#but as of today I think 2023 exceeds that

[culmaer]

¶

[lorei-writes]

... Just some ramblings.

It happened several times that I've been told that I'm an optimist or an otherwise very positive person. There are certain things I don't complain about much, which I presume can give off the wrong idea that nothing goes too askew in my life. In that case, not despairing would be easy.

But that's not real. The time I spent being bedridden in 2022 & 2023 combined exceeds half a year. My day starts with 10+ pills. I've had to start the same degree three times now, despite never failing any exam. I got discarded on the basis of being ill. The list goes on -- I struggle like most people do... And I don't dislike my life. I enjoy being alive, even though some days I wonder why.

[Directed more so at myself than anybody else -- I wanted to organise them in my head a little, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to share it either.]

>> Contentment is everywhere. Enjoy the smallest things.

At one point it felt like settling for less, but now I think that was rather misguided. It's increasing your sensitivity to pleasure more than anything. It can help you stay present in the moment.

I can't have many treats, but I can still drink black tea. The feeling of the hot mug against my hands, the texture of the ceramic. The smell of the tea. Its taste. Being warmed from the inside. The way the loose leafs float in the water... Previously I'd just overlook it, but now it's more pleasurable than any cakes I would have had it with before.

It isn't to say that cakes don't taste good anymore. They're something "extra"... and now I just don't need that "extra" to be content.

>> Your life is the only one you have.

Wondering about "what ifs" is a waste of energy. You live only in the present and cannot rewrite your past. You can know a lot of answers to your "whys", but... if you don't live, don't move on, does that change much?

I cried about things being unfair, but that never made them fair. It's a pointless effort. The reality still is that I have to deal with a certain set of limitations (and a certain set of advantages), and that I can only try my best to work with that.

>> Humour helps. Not the self-depreciating one.

Some days you need to cry, and then, by all means, cry. Some things you may never want to laugh about... But some? Meh. They become so mundane they get funny, and at the end of the day, laughter's good for you. There are no brownie points for always being serious.

(I shall not talk about shitting with ghosts.)

>> Bitter? In tears? Live through it.

Putting on a front doesn't do anybody any favours. We're only humans. If you feel bitter or sad about something, you are bitter or sad about it. Allowing yourself to experience the negative emotion is... fine. I'd say it's only reasonable to sit with it and let it wash over you -- without spiralling and going into negative "nothing is ever going to be okay, everybody is bad, that person is rotten, yada yada" loops. Sometimes you just need to observe the mind.

>> Nobody can predict the future.

When everything goes askew, it is tempting to say that things will always be this way. Our brains like patterns. They love searching for them... at the same time, they're full of biases and a couple years hardly define the entire rest of your life. Things can fall apart in a week. They can also be brought back together... and ultimately, when you live in the future, you forget about the present, which is the only time you really have.

>> Nobody thinks about you as much as you do. In most cases it's not malice, it's just ignorance. (And everybody will be guilty of this.)

>> Everybody has hard days.

>> The you of today lives only today. Make the most use out of your time. Anticipate the internal reward you will get.

Do you have to start studying early for your exam? No. But... Think about the you from the future. Will they be happy to be able to just revise on the day before it? Or would you rather leave them with still having to work through a portion of the material? It may seem it's all "you", but "you" of today is not living with the same consequences as the "you" of tomorrow or two months from now. Help the "you" from the future! Anticipate the feeling of relief you'll get then! It's a team effort!

Lorei of the good days is constantly working so that Lorei of the bad days can be at ease.

>> Agency matters.

There are things that are outside of your control. Sometimes I can't sit up by myself. It's frustrating. However, I can also pick what book I'm going to read next, I can choose to take my medicine on time, I can choose to continue on studying. No matter how insignificant it seems, there's always a choice I can make, even if it's something as small as choosing to eat even though it hurts.

Some things I can't control. I'm not giving away the choices that are in my hands.

>> You control only yourself and your reactions.

Don't give power to other people. It's impossible to control how they feel or what they think about you. It's impossible to make people stay. It's all up to them, and yes, sometimes they will be hurtful, sometimes you will be misjudged. But whether you care about that is only up to you.

>> Forgive, but don't forget.

Holding onto grudges and feeding old emotion only wastes energy. Letting those control me or influence my actions would only give away the power I have. I can choose to move on and to be unaffected. And I can choose not to allow somebody close again, even though I don't feel anything about them.

>> You are not entitled to the consequences of your actions.

You can work your ass off and it can still not pay off. The only thing you can affect is what's within your grasp -- as such, worrying about outcomes becomes irrelevant.

>> One goal at a time. (Even if you have multiple of them: if you're working on thing A, you're working on thing A only.)

Separate goals within your mind. The more things you have to do and the more you mix them, the lower the satisfaction from progressing any of them.

>> If you're in pain and can't avoid it, accept it and feel it.

I can't take painkillers. Avoidance of inevitable pain only prolongs it. It's easier to take it when I accept it as bad as it is, and let it go through my system.

>> You may not be ready to do something. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

>> Learn to fail. Failure is a feedback.

>> Discomfort is not danger.

It is good to learn to sit with your discomfort. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable makes learning, conflict resolution, and growth overall easier. You then don't have to appease emotion.

>> The self is fluid. Don't cling.

We all change. We're not marketable products with branding. Let yourself change... and even if you're stripped from all the things you've thought you were, it's not as scary. You are more than them.

There was a time when I was neither dexterous, nor smart, nor hard-working, nor useful, all against my will. I was none of the things I'd previously call myself... But I still was. It's not as scary to lose any of them anymore. I just am and that's enough.

>> Try to understand. You don't have to agree, but try to understand.

>> Be wary of your own arrogance. Don't assume you're absolved of ignorance.

>> You have more to give than you realise. And honestly? Giving to the right people is awesome.

... and there could be a couple more, but I've rambled my heart out, so I'm good now.

[dontmeantobepoliticalbut]

At least two Republican members of Congress were seen wearing lapel pins in the shape of an AR-15 rifle while conducting official business in the House of Representatives on Wednesday, when two mass shootings took place in the U.S.

Tweets showing Rep. George Santos (R-New York) and Rep. Anna Paulina Luna (R-Florida) wearing the pins went viral as many users pointed out the already high number of mass shootings that have occurred in the country since the start of the new year.

It’s likely that the two wore the pins all day long (in lieu of the U.S. flag pins they usually wear), as the Republican lawmakers were seen on House cameras, in footage that aired on C-SPAN, wearing the pins at different places in the Capitol — Santos, for instance, was seen wearing an AR-15 pin while giving a speech on the House floor, while Luna wore hers on camera while participating in a House Oversight Committee hearing.

Many lawmakers said that wearing a pin depicting a weapon that is frequently chosen by mass shooters was insensitive to people whose loved ones have been murdered in such shootings.

“To be promoting them on the floor of the House, is despicable and I think an insult to all of the victims of assault weapons,” Rep. Gregory Meeks (D-New York) said.

Rep. Jimmy Gomez (D-California) said that the pins lacked “common decency.”

“Anna Paulina Luna wore an assault weapon pin at today’s Oversight hearing — less than 48 hours after her state experienced a mass shooting,” Gomez said on Twitter. “You can’t make this shit up.”

That same day, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colorado) gave a speech on the House floor championing unregulated gun ownership, lamenting the fact that the U.S. doesn’t account for more than 46% of all civilian-owned guns in the world.

“We need to get our numbers up, boys and girls,” Boebert said.

Gun violence experts have presented evidence suggesting that the vast amount of guns in the U.S. corresponds to the country having a higher homicide rate than other wealthy nations on the globe.

In 2022, there were 648 mass shootings, an 86% increase from just five years prior. Since the start of 2023, there have been more than 50 mass shootings — including at least two on the day Santos and Luna wore their AR-15 pins. If current trends keep up, there will have been around 600 mass shootings this year by December 31.

Should the U.S. exceed 600 mass shootings in 2023, this would be the fourth year in a row that that many mass shootings took place within a single calendar year.

THESE REPUBLICANS ARE ACTUALLY WEARING AR-15 PINS IN CONGRESS DURING GUN VIOLENCE SURVIVORS WEEK

House Democrats criticised freshman Republicans, including embattled Representative George Santos, for wearing assault rifle pins on Capitol Hill.

Democratic Representative Jimmy Gomez of California tweeted out photos of Representatives Anna Paulina Luna of Florida and Mr Santos of New York wearing lapel pins in the shape of an assault weapon.

"Where are these assault weapon pins coming from? Who is passing these out?" he tweeted.

[anxiousgaypanicking]

Titfucking

Loking (Logan x King Creativity) Kinktober 2023 Day Two: Titfucking Warnings: minor degrading, boobjobs, cum marking

King grabs Logic roughly by the wrist, pulling him forward and down the hallway quicker than Logic can maintain his footing. He's struggling to keep up, but he knows that one trip will leave King dragging him down the hallway, regardless of whether or not it hurts. 

So, he has to keep a fast pace - essentially running in order to keep up with King's long strides. Nearly double his height, his walking covers a long amount of length in such a short amount of time, which typically leaves everyone else sprinting to keep up with him. Now, though, King was forcing Logic to keep up with him, whether he liked it or not. 

Though, they both know Logic likes it. 

A big door opens wide, and then as Logic is thrown into the room, the door is slammed shut, a loud sound that makes Logic shiver. 

As his eyes flicker up to King's, King scoffs. 

"Don't look so meek," he berates Logic, reaching a hand out to rather politely help Logic off the floor he just threw him on to. "You're not going to be pushed around today. Quite the opposite, actually." 

Logic lets out a shaky breath, a mixture of disappointment and excitement. Of course he likes being hurt by king; he wouldn't let himself be pulled around otherwise, but if that's not what was going to happen today, then Logic had severely misjudged the situation. 

He hated being unprepared, and King loved to use that against him. 

King sits back on his giant, elegant bed, pulling Logic onto his lap in a swift motion. It's a position that isn't unfamiliar to them by any means, but it doesn't keep Logic from flushing dark. 

And despite his newfound leverage, Logic would still have to lean up further for their lips to touch. King was just so... massive. 

"I'd like to give you a nice, pleasant reward," King murmurs, as his big hands rub over Logic's thick thighs. "You'll have to do a bit of work for it, but I'm sure you won't mind." 

One of King's fingers stroke under Logic's chin, tilting his face upwards, before bending down slightly to press his lips against Logic's. 

Logic moans immediately, so cutely sensitive at such a small action. It makes King amusingly question how Logic's been able to handle all of the flogging and choking King pushes onto him. Especially when he's already humping against King's large thigh as though he's insatiably horny just from his own anticipation and a few light kisses. 

"What'd I do-" Logic begins, only to immediately be cut off by a firmer kiss. Logic melts into it momentarily, before pulling away with a gasp. "What'd I do to deserve a reward?" 

King laughs under his breath at the question. "Do you need praise that badly?" 

Logic flushes, but rolls his hips down and shudders at the feeling. "I'm just curious. You have high standards; I want to know how I met them, and how I can further exceed them in the future." 

King smiles, and then kisses the side of Logic's face as he sets his hand on the latter's hips, helping grind them back and forth, though occasionally pulling Logic too far forward and pushing him up against King's large, fat stomach. 

"You've been so obedient," King begins, as he helps Logic grind. "You let me do whatever I want to you, and you enjoy it. You love it. Don't you?" 

Logic groans, before pushing his face into King's soft chest. He lets himself hide in King's pecs until King decides he's had enough, and tugs Logic back out by his hair. Logic moans loud at the rough action, before his hair is gently being pet by king as a half hearted apology, though Logic is sure he doesn't actually care about being rough. He's done more than just pull Logic's hair in the past, after all. 

"Oh, come on now, Logic," King tsks, as he forces eye contact. "I'm being so generous with proposing a reward, and you can't even think enough to answer me. Are my pecs just that appealing? You just want to be smothered in them?" 

Logic moves to hide his face, but is swiftly stopped, making him whine. 

"I can't help it," Logic then tries to reason, as he sets his hands on King's squishy chest. "You're so big; there's really nowhere else for my face to go." 

"You never answered my question." 

King stills Logic's hips, watching as Logic then tucks his face into his shoulder, simultaneously attempting to regain his composure and hide his fluster. 

"I love when you do whatever you want to me," he then says, voice barely above a whisper. King's torn between making him repeat it, or praising him for being so adorably cute. So, he decides to kiss the side of Logic's face, murmuring a soft "speak up next time, or I'll make you," before he's setting Logic aside. 

With the simple command of "strip," Logic is pulling his clothes desperately off of his body, watching as King takes his time undoing every button on his regal shirt, and then tossing it aside. That's all he takes off, however, before positioning some pillows so that they're supporting him, and leaning back in a comfortable laying position. 

His big chest and stomach are on display, covered with thick, dark hair. Logic is hardly given time to ever just stare, so he openly does so now. 

Fat boobs, hairy arms, and a very big stomach with a dark happy trail going up the length of his stomach. It makes Logic visibly stammer. 

"You see a shirtless man and suddenly your brain turns to mush?" King teases, and watches as Logic quickly turns away, fingers fumbling to pull off his tie. 

While normally he'd like to make sure his clothes are left together, he can't help but just discard them all into random, wrinkled piles. Afterall, it's not often he gets rewards, especially from King Creativity. They butt heads more often than any of the others, and a lot of their mutual frustration comes out during rough sex. Which is why a nice, supposedly sweet reward is such a surprise (though, not an unwelcome one). 

"I just like the way you look," Logic mutters, as he scoots ever so slightly closer. "Now... my reward?" 

King grins, as he beckons Logic closer. With a bit of help, he aids Logic in moving up his stomach, and eventually straddling his upper belly. Logic's hands hold to the headboard behind King's pillows to keep himself steady. 

"I can't say I understand what we're doing," Logic admits, as King shamelessly feels up Logic's own chubby thighs and pudgy stomach. 

"You won't guess," King says, humming softly. "It's something new." 

Logic's eyes light up. "I like new things." 

It makes King laugh, as he nods his head affectionately. "I know you do, Logic. And I know you'll love this. You'll get to be in control. Mostly, at least." His hands fall from Logic's legs and move up his chest, which King teasingly squishes, before King's pushing his fat tits together, Logic watching wide-eyed. 

"I think this'll feel nice for your small little cock to slide between," King says, matter-of-factly. "What do you think?" 

Logic stammers. "I think- I don't-" 

"Go on, Logic. Indulge in your reward." King winks. "Before I decide to take it from you." 

Logic immediately pulls himself forward, the tip of his hard cock pressing against the line where King's two soft pecs were pushed tightly together. He feels a mixture of pleasure and humiliation as he has to take one of his hands away from the headboard to help guide his cock between them, groaning at the way King's tits mold around his cock, squishing the sides of it as King firmly keeps his hands on his chest. 

He smiles as Logic's breath hitches. 

Eventually, his pelvis settles against King's pecs, his shaft buried between them. Was King really that big? Or was his cock truly that small? Either way, he's embarrassed, but both the situation and the friction make him moan, so he can't find it in him to care. 

"How does it feel? Good?" King prompts. 

Logic bites his lip, before nodding. "Yeah. New, for sure, but still good." It was like a fleshlight, but less lubed and more intimate. 

"Good boy. Now, do you want to fuck my tits, or do you want me to move them for you? Give you a nice, lazy boobjob?" 

Logic feels as though his breath is being pulled from him just at King's words. 

"Uhm," Logic stutters, a tad uncharacteristically, as if weighing the two options. Having to actually choose was seemingly the hardest part of this, aside from his cock, of course. 

"A- a boobjob," Logic then says, decidedly. 

"Good boy," King coos, before he starts gently moving his pecs back and forth with his hands. Because they're big and fat, there's a lot of meat to be moved, and therefore a lot of room for them to rub over Logic's eager shaft.

Logic immediately groans and writhes on top of King, knuckles turning white with how hard he's holding the headboard, like he's going to fall over at any minute.

"Oh, come on now," King softly teases, rolling his eyes. "I've done so much worse to you, and yet you're falling apart over just a little friction. You're so sensitive."

Logic has always been sensitive; it's a side effect of the brain being the biggest sex organ, and King knows this, but compared to King, Logic's always come incredibly fast. 

This reminder has Logic craning has head around, feeling warm when he sees King's cock is just as hard from just a little bit of watching. It feeds Logic's ego, but also has him turning back to King rather timidly, asking "how are you going to touch yourself?" 

"Maybe you can return the favor when I'm done," King muses, before continuing to think aloud. "Or... I could just fuck your sweet, fat thighs while we're cuddling. Though, I'm positive that'd get you worked right back up. You don't mind coming three or four times tonight, do you?" 

Logic whines out a pathetic sounding "no," as King continues to work his tits over his cock. He can feel his pre leaking over King's skin, and as his cock grinds against it, the surface gets slicker and much nicer to very slightly grind against. He knows fully fucking King's tits at this position would be weird, but that doesn't mean he can't roll his hips and enjoy the feeling of his small cock dragging between the two fat mounds of flesh stroking him. 

King's eyes trail up Logic's body, eyeing him thrice over before he licks his lips. "You know, I have a really good view of you like this. I get to see your nice stomach, your chest, and your beautiful lips all above me." King then snickers. "Though, your glasses look like they're about to fall off. Perhaps you're moving too much." 

"Please don't stop me," Logic cries, trying to avoid King's potential teasing or edging. Maybe if he begs, King will take pity on him and continue to let him thrust his little cock against King's giant body. "Please don't stop!" 

Watching as Logic flushes and pants, King moves his tits a little faster, squeezing them harder together in order to apply more pressure to Logic's cock. He relishes in the loud moan he gets in response, and the drool that drips down Logic's chin and onto his own chest. 

Warmth floods Logic's body, and as a result blood rushes to his face, giving him a prettily flushed look with an equally as sensual expression as he desperately tries to prolong his orgasm. 

He eventually even stills his hips to try and drag his reward out, but in turn King only starts moving his pecs faster, working over Logic's cock quick and sloppily. Some pre begins to spill down King's neck and onto the pillows beneath him, and Logic is reminded where the tip of his cock is pointed. 

Directly at King's face. 

"King-" Logic gasps, as he tries to pull away. He doesn't want the pleasure to stop, of course, but he figures King won't want Logic to make a mess onto him. King's always preferred it the other way around. "I'm close." 

"I can tell," King teases, as he lightly slaps the side of Logic's thigh, before going back to squeezing his pecs. "Be a good boy and come for me, okay? Show me how much you appreciate your reward. It'll be the only time you get one for a good, long while." 

"But your face-" 

King gently shushes Logic, murmuring "you think too much," before smiling sweetly. 

Logic gasps, and whines, and as King stimulates his pathetic little cock, he can't keep himself from finally letting go and coming hard. His hand twists against the headboard as he moans, shooting loads of come between King's tits, and over his face. 

Logic doesn't even see the mess he's made at first, as his eyes squeeze shut with pleasure, but as they finally flutter open, he can't help but stare at what he's done. 

While King continues to pleasure him through his orgasm, Logic just pants as he sees  streaks of white splattered across King's perfect face, staining his short beard and mustache and even getting into his long, dark hair, which had fallen slightly into his face. 

Finally, King brings his hands - and his tits - to a halt, and lets Logic pull away. And Logic quite literally pulls away, and falls against the bed while attempting to catch his breath. 

Despite how big King is, his bed is somehow so much bigger, giving Logic plenty of space to just spread out and relax for a moment, before King is shuffling beside him, and then Logic's being turned to his side, and King is cuddling him from behind, hard cock pressing right against Logic's ass and reminding him of just how much King enjoyed helping him get off. 

"You don't mind, do you?" King whispers, making Logic shiver and flush. He gulps, and doesn't bother to suppress a moan as King's large cock slides between his thick thighs. They still had a few more rounds to go. 

[bumblebeehug]

Endless Devotion

Ship: Natsu Dragneel x Lucy Heartfilia Summary: Natsu spends the morning preparing something important. Day 1 of Nalu Week 2023 - prompt: anniversary Ao3

***

The morning air was cool and tranquil as Natsu began his day. He was up early, tripping around carefully to not wake up Happy who still peacefully slept in his miniature hammock, like the one Natsu extensively used. Usually, they both slept in Lucy’s apartment, but since Lucy hosted girls’ night last night, Natsu had been temporarily kicked out. Girls’ night was no joke for the Fairy Tail girls; they planned elaborate games and picked food and movies as if their lives depended on it. Early in their relationship, Natsu and Happy had hung around on her roof (with Lucy’s permission of course, he didn’t really care about spying on a bunch of women gossiping for hours, but he liked staying close to her, and still do to be frank) and overheard the most elaborate, detailed discussion on whether the shop clerk two blocks over had finally gotten his hands on the gift to his wife, or if the nearby elementary school teacher had gotten a new haircut to impress the new substitute teacher. Really, he had found out that they could talk forever about anything and everything, and after that he figured that it was easier to just let them do their thing. He had always liked seeing Lucy have fun with her friends - especially when he knew that she still liked him the best.

The girls’ night might have been the cause of what made him sleep at home, alone, but today he would get to have Lucy completely for himself. It was their two-year anniversary, and Natsu had the entire day planned. Even though he hated to wake up early in the morning, he had already washed up and grabbed a cup of coffee. The day had to be perfect, especially since they hadn’t seen each other since yesterday morning, which was a longer time apart than they usually spent.

To start their anniversary, he wanted to cook Lucy some breakfast, cue his early morning. He knew what time Lucy usually got up, and since she’d no doubt been up late yesterday, there was no worries about her getting up earlier than usual to get ready for the day herself. That way he could easily sneak in and make her a hearty breakfast, and as she would get ready for the dates afterwards, he had plenty of time to prepare for the next part of his arrangements.

His train of thought got briefly interrupted as he heard Happy stir in his bed beside his own hammock. The poor exceed had been plagued for days with Natsu’s never-ending planning and had gotten his sleep schedule all messed up.

“What time is it?” He groggily asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Sorry buddy, it’s still really early. Was just thinking I’d do some dishes while I wait for the coffee to brew. I’m not used to the slipperiness though…” Even while trying his best, Natsu struggled to keep his voice down. His heart was beating fast, and he looked forward to spending the day with his girlfriend. It was almost like he was reliving how things were two years back, when every day made him a nervous wreck before he saw Lucy’s face. Though now he wasn’t particularly nervous – just excited and giddy.

“Well hurry up and get used to it, I want my dream back,” the blue cat muttered.

“What did you dream about?”

“It was the best dream I’ve ever had,” Happy began, “I had just saved the kingdom from a huge, mean dog, and when I say it was huge, I mean gigantic, and so the princess, who actually was Carla and not Princess Hisui, gave me unlimited fish and her hand in marriage in reward.”

“Sounds like a pretty awesome dream,” Natsu smiled, giving his back a supportive pat. “I can’t promise Carla’s hand in marriage or unlimited fish, but I went by the market yesterday and picked up some fresh salmon if you’re hungry. I’m leaving in 10 minutes, and I probably won’t be back until tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I know, the date stuff. I’m sleeping over with Carla and Wendy tonight either way, they promised I get to choose which board games we play after dinner. Tell Lucy I said hi.”

“Sure will.”

Things had become different when Natsu and Lucy started dating. Of course, there was the obvious stuff – the kissing, the PDA, (the sex), but Natsu hadn’t anticipated how little time he would get with his other friends. He didn’t mind it of course, he was often the one who glued himself to Lucy’s side, so naturally there would be less one-on-one time with other members of the guild, but it was a change, nevertheless. Happy was the main guy who made him realise this change - see, before Natsu and Lucy got official, there was nothing stopping him from hanging around all the time. The three of them were as tight as any trio could be - they all had the same inside jokes, they shared every secret about themselves, embarrassing and emotional alike, and they always kept together. As soon as Natsu and Lucy’s relationship truly fell in place, however, they couldn’t share everything with each other anymore. Mainly because Happy was completely uninterested in what they were doing whenever he wasn’t there, (the deed, usually), but also because whether they liked it or not, a romantic relationship changed the dynamics in their friend group.

The teasing between the three of them never stopped, but it changed. Natsu no longer had the ability within himself to take jokes a notch too far - he simply didn’t like seeing Lucy getting more upset than necessary, and so it mellowed out.

For Natsu, the rest of his friendships changed as well, though mostly it was a better change. He had gotten closer to Gajeel and Gray, who he now could relate more to. Who knew endless hair shedding was universal? And for once he understood all the weird things Gildarts had been talking about (dirty old man).

Either way, life had gotten way more fun now that Lucy Heartfilia was in every part of it, and today he intended to show her just how much he appreciates her in his life. So, as previously mentioned, he had planned the perfect breakfast and chill morning. He knew how Lucy loved getting ready – she often preferred those times over the actual outing, since she gave herself all the love and attention she craved for a good day. Well, Natsu could easily do that himself, but he knew that she liked giving herself that time.

After she would be finished getting ready, she would probably wear way too uncomfortable shoes to walk any long distances, and given that most beautiful sceneries were quite far away (and Natsu refused to get motion sick on one of the best days of his life) he’d planned to first take her to a bookstore so she could browse the shelves, maybe she would overhear someone complimenting her book (“maybe” as in definitely – he had pulled some strings to make it happen), and as the time would go by she would find herself getting hungry. They’d then buy a simpler lunch and sit by the cherry blossom tree Natsu once dug up for her, and they’d just talk and have a nice time. Then the plan was to walk by the canal, still not exercising like crazy, and they’d stop buy some markets and Natsu could buy some small souvenirs or other types of jewellery, and then, after all that, they’d be just in time for Natsu’s restaurant reservation. It was one of those more expensive places – the type of place Natsu usually couldn’t stand being in due to the uncomfortable atmosphere. He had, however, been there recently to try out their food (planning ahead and all), and the waiters were surprisingly okay with his manners, or lack thereof. So, after a great dinner, he planned to give Lucy the anniversary gift he had bought; a necklace with a thin, golden chain, with two small charms, one being a star with a diamond in the middle, and the other being a small flame. From a distance it just looked like an ordinary cute necklace, but looking closer there would be proof that Lucy (who was symbolised by the star of course) and Natsu (the flame) belonged on Lucy’s neck, close to her heart. Then the night would end with stargazing and maybe sex if the stars were in his favour.

Well, that was the plan anyways. He knew that executing it would be a different story, since despite making them simple, plans never worked out as, well, planned. He could always try his best though, and he certainly intended to. He checked himself one last time in the dirty mirror by the front door. His clothes were clean and tidy, not a wrinkle in sight on his pants, his hair was as tamed as it could be, and he had a clean face. He made sure his gift laid safe and secure in his pocket, grabbed his bag with breakfast food, and headed out the door, heart beating rhythmically against his ribcage. He was so excited to give the love of his life the perfect date. Maybe next time, he’d have the courage to stand on one knee and ask her to marry him – but for now, what they had was perfect.

[spiderhungry]

The COVID-19 pandemic is ongoing and I encourage you to wear a mask to protect yourself and others

This is my own little PSA. The COVID-19 pandemic is still happening, is still deadly, and can cause life-long disabilities.

But there is an easy, cheap way to protect yourself and others! N95 masks have been shown to be 95% effective. I highly recommend everyone wear a mask when indoors or in crowded areas. If you stopped masking or never masked, it's not too late to start! There is 100% nothing wrong with making a change to your life or your behavior. Humans constantly learn and grow!

I have two articles to share today to try to convince you to make a change.

The first is on the efficacy of masks—how well they work.

First is this February 2022 page from the U.S.'s CDC:

[Graphic from the CDC showing that respirators masks, such as N95 or KN95 masks, lower the odds of testing positive for COVID-19 by 83%. Surgical masks lower the odds by 66%, and cloth masks lower the odds by 56%. You can find out more at bit.ly/MMWR7106.]

Second is this article from the California newspaper The East Bay Times. It's behind a paywall, but here are the key parts:

"After rising for three months, the positivity rate is quickly approaching the record high positivity rate for a summer surge — 16% in July of 2022."

"In Contra Costa County, wastewater is also showing high concentrations of the virus, and the county public health department urged residents this week to mask in crowded indoor situations, 'particularly for those at high risk of serious illness if infected.'"

And this:

"'Face masks are an effective tool to reduce the spread of the virus,' Dr. Ori Tzvieli, Contra Costa County’s health officer said in a statement. 'This is one of those times. Our health system is not seriously impacted by COVID currently, and our goal is to keep it that way.'

Dr. John Swartzberg, clinical professor emeritus of infectious diseases and vaccinology at UC Berkeley, thinks Contra Costa Health’s recommendation is 'excellent advice.'

"'There are still too many people being hospitalized and too many people dying,' Swartzberg said, pointing to the fact that annual COVID deaths still exceed the number of deaths during a normal flu season."

And I think this graphic is particularly helpful in understanding that we are indeed still in the middle of a pandemic.

[Graph from the California Department of Public Health showing COVID-19 positivity rates over time, from January 2020 to August 2024. Each year is represented by a different color line over the course of the year, to compare the spikes. The red 2024 line shows that the January 2024 peak and the August 2024 peak are comparable to the January 2023 peak and the July 2022 peak.]

Knowledge is power, and you can use knowledge to make more informed decisions.

Please wear a mask!

[astroyongie]

Everglow October Reading 2023

Note: please take it lightly and enjoy <3

Sihyeon

Love: She is coming out of a breakup and at the moment she is still going through all the whiplash from the hurt that this breakup is giving her. Sihyeon isn’t in her best condition and I believe that her heartbreak is actually causing her physical symptoms. 

Career: She is limiting herself a lot. I don’t think her career is something she is passionate about and more like a work she has to do to receive money. She is very organized on what she has to do, but she feels like she doesn’t have a lot to do anyways 

Self: She has so many priorities in her life that she sometimes doesn’t know what to choose or what to start with. She jungles a lot between things and I hope that her erratic way of living will find balance so it doesn’t impact her health 

E:U

Love: She is dating someone at the moment, probably an old friend of hers or someone who has always been around her. This person isn’t an artist or working in the industry. In any case, she is very happy with them and they have a rather stable thing 

Career: Things seem to be going relatively good. She has strong support inside the company and he is very close to her manager, which helps her create a good working environment and a rather stable and healthy relationship with everyone else who works with her 

Self: She lacks self-esteem and she doesn’t believe she is that good to be an idol (she thinks people only like her for her looks). EU have probably some type of impostor syndrome and I also see that she isn’t really a truthful person, almost like she keeps secrets all the time and lies rather easily to others 

Mia

Love: She is single and not looking for love relationships at the moment. Mia likes her independence and she rather stays that way. However she does talk and flirt with some people through her media and text, but that’s about it 

Career: I believe that there’s a male energy in her life in the workspace that is extremely manipulative towards her and makes sure to always put her first among other members (which creates a lot of conflict). This person is also emotionally abusive and very moody but the thing is that his energy goes through Mia. So rather than taking action, she too gets muddy and manipulative toward members when work is related 

Self: She isn’t on her best days. I see that she went through a lot mentally and still today she fights against her mental health as she tries to improve. I also see that a major event happened in her life that caused her to completely sink when it comes to depressive states. Something she hasn’t healed yet 

Onda

Love: I believe she is in a relationship with an idol but things are a little complicated here. The person she is with is very impulsive and hast, they want to do things always like they want and quickly, pushing her through her boundaries. Onda has been ruthless with her high expectations and only gives these people what they want if they exceed her expectations 

Career: The way she has been saving money is no joke. Every time she receives something from her work or her company she keeps it away and tries her best to have some financial background to help her out. Onda is scared to have to go through other difficult times financially 

Self: She has been a little bit lost lately. I don’t think she knows what she wants for herself, for her career, or just for her family and her future in general. Onda feels like simply following the flow and the rules and she hasn’t been thinking about herself. 

Aisha

Love: Rather happy, Aisha is in a relationship that lasts for a long time now and everything seems to be going very well for her. She is happy, healthy and her relationship is stable and it seems that it’s meant to continue as it is

Career: She has been very inspired, almost like she wants to work and do her own lyrics and stuff for the group. But she is also a little bit impulsive with what she does and some people might not like how she works 

Self: Moving forward with her life, she doesn’t dwell on her past or on things that have happened to her. She tries her best to keep going and leaving what isn’t necessary for her behind her 

Yiren

Love: She is still healing from her breakup earlier this year (with that 4th gen idol) and things with her love life as just erratic since her relations with Korea aren’t the best at the moment and it does seem that all that concerns her heart is giving her more headaches than joy 

Career: Her career seems to be going well, mostly because she receives so many opportunities and projects to work on (mostly in China) and the money they pay is way better than in Korea. Yiren has also been generous and helping those in need (friends and family). 

Self: She has been having a lot of arguments and disagreements with people around her (friends, family, co-workers, etc). It seems like Yiren has a hard time communicating with people and making her voice heard

[dearreader]

latam swiftie here

I'm not on tik tok so idk what's going on there. The math side of the easter eggs has got a bit out of hand and they don'tknow what they're talking about. And I agree with you on "not needing an announcement to make it special". I feel this is kind of similar to when ppl complain about the surprise songs they got. I would have never chosen Labyrinth!! And I got it and loved every second of it!! It's special because it was my surprise song, not the other way around.

I didn't believe we'd get an announcement tonight until her dancers started posting black hearts. But my favourite thing would be for her to just play foolish one.

I'm super grateful for the shows, I got to see the mashup, it was insane and I loved every second of it. I had been waiting for over a decade for this so it meant everything to me. I am not expecting her to do anything other than show up at the announced time and perform (as long as weather and health allows her to).

I waited 3 years between 1989 and rep, im not expecting releases this often. No one was expecting 1989 tv right after speak now (I certainly wasn't expecting it until early next year the soonest). But she did announce it and it did happen. Thats just why it's not that crazy to think of an announcement this soon. It just hurts to see everyone calling us ungrateful. Over 17 years we only got 3 tour dates. And we're so so grateful for it, we tried to show her that with the "we will stay" fan project. I screamed so loud every single lyric I damaged my vocal chords and it took me a week to recover. People are still making edits, friendship bracelets, they're gathering in the parks and doing swiftie meetups, today I gave two fbs away on the subway!!

The reasons why I believe she won't come back are market-related and financial, but the whole T4F fiasco didn't help at all. The local producer (T4F) is responsible, not the stadium (Im saying this bc i saw this confusion a lot, here those are two different companies, I believe in the US it's the same one).

I understand and agree with what you said, I just want you to know we're very grateful for what we got. (and I didn't think you were rude). In all honestly, the feeling I got from everyone in that crowd was excitement and wanting to be a part of something this big. We didn't want to show anything other than support and love. I heard exactly 0 people complain we didn't get an announcement (but I'm not on tik tok so i might be wrong lol)

And no, we're not really a part of this whole thing the same way everyone (the US, Europe and even parts of Asia/Oceania) is. But I'm not gonna complain because at least we got tour dates. There are lots of places who got no tours dates at all (African swifties you're in my heart). I obviously understand she can't please the entire world and that there are financial decisions to be made!! She's a human and a business woman and I understand. But it does mean we get left aside (again! This is a world/capitalism problem where poorer countries get less chances in general and I'm not expecting Taylor to solve this).

Im sorry, this is so long. Im just trying to say that this is a reality (a sad one), that we understand it exceeds her 100%, and are grateful she toured this year. But that in the bigger picture, we're not a part of things like "the rest of you" and I believe thats where this whole rep tv thing is coming from. It doesn't mean we're not super grateful she took a chance on us and visited this year 😊

Thank you for reading and answering. I know you didn't have to. I really hope you enjoy the last show of 2023 :)

hi, please forgive me for a not good response as i’m tired and focusing on my breathing right now.

but thank you again for responding and explaining more about the financial aspect. and i’m so sorry if i ever implied latam swifties were ungrateful, i never meant to or ever thought that as everything i’ve seen has been nothing but overwhelming love and support from latam, and i really really hope she you’re there again because it’s clear the fans love her and i want her to just be able to be with fans and people who love the music. and the fact you guys are still doing friendship bracelet exchanges is insane and i love it!

and i do think she plans on releasing all of the taylor’s versions on the tour and she wanted to hit certain dates, which is why she announced speak now and 1989 so close together. i think we’ll get reputation sometimes early next year (late january or february ((but i think february is more accurate))) and debut a bit closer to the end of the tour.

and i’m not going and sit here and say you’re apart of this tour just as much as any other location is, because again i’m an american so no matter what i’m not going to understand what it’s like in latam. but i really hope it doesn’t feel like you’re apart if this differently than anyone else, this tour is a monumental moment in taylor’s life and career and the fact she’s able to go to so many locations (especially for the first time) is so massive and big in of itself. an album announcement is a special thing but it doesn’t make the tour or anything about the night any less special.

again, im sorry if this isn’t the best response, but i do hope that you have a good night 🫶🏻

[suzilight]

Sucralose aka Splenda Is Genotoxic | June 2023

Me: Big Food sells us low quality at high prices that makes us gradually sicker then Big Pharma sells us high priced meds to control the symptoms until we need Big Hospital and a funeral. Think I'm exaggerating? Read on.

"When we exposed sucralose and sucralose-6-acetate to gut epithelial tissues—the tissue that lines your gut wall—we found that both chemicals cause 'leaky gut.' Basically, they make the wall of the gut more permeable. The chemicals damage the 'tight junctions,' or interfaces, where cells in the gut wall connect to each other.

"A leaky gut is problematic, because it means that things that would normally be flushed out of the body in feces are instead leaking out of the gut and being absorbed into the bloodstream."

"We found that gut cells exposed to sucralose-6-acetate had increased activity in genes related to oxidative stress, inflammation and carcinogenicity,"

"To put this in context, the European Food Safety Authority has a threshold of toxicological concern for all genotoxic substances of 0.15 micrograms per person per day," Schiffman says. "Our work suggests that the trace amounts of sucralose-6-acetate in a single, daily sucralose-sweetened drink exceed that threshold. And that's not even accounting for the amount of sucralose-6-acetate produced as metabolites after people consume sucralose."

Harvard says: "Some studies show that leaky gut may be associated with other autoimmune diseases (lupus, type 1 diabetes, multiple sclerosis), chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, arthritis, allergies, asthma, acne, obesity, and even mental illness." 

Splenda.com says: "Today, the Splenda brand is the most recognizable and iconic low-calorie sweetener brand in the world, having sold more than 100 billion yellow packets since its launch in 1992."

Michael Zeece, in Introduction to the Chemistry of Food, 2020 says: "Granulated sucralose is mixed with fillers to provide a measure for measure substitution with table sugar (sucrose). The powdered form of sucralose contains 90% bulking agents such as maltodextrin, that are a metabolizable form of carbohydrate. A 50/50 mixture of sucrose and sucralose, plus a bulking agent, is available for baking applications. This mixture reduces caloric content and enables browning reactions in baking applications."  Source

Me: Wow. Ok. 50/50 sugar/Splenda plus bulking agents for baking. Would that mean commercial baking? Processed foods? YES!!!

"Sucralose is also highly stable at elevated temperatures that are often used in food, beverage, and drug manufacturing processes so that product sweetness levels can be maintained following cooking, baking, and/or pasteurization. Sucralose also has excellent stability in low-pH products so that sweetness degradation is not a determining factor in the shelf-life of such products."

FDA says "Sucralose is a general-purpose sweetener found in various foods, including baked goods, beverages, chewing gum, gelatins, and frozen dairy desserts." 

By weight, Sucralose is about 600 times sweeter than sucrose (sugar).

 Me: Even if I don't buy or use Splenda or drink diet sodas there is a good chance that I'm still eating more than 0.15 micrograms of sucralose in "shelf stable" cookies, pastries, bread or ice cream. Big Food cuts in Sucralose/Splenda because it gives big sweetness and probably costs less than natural sugar/sucrose.

The FDA approved it for general use in 1999. They suggest it for diabetic people! No wonder Celiac Disease, Crohn's disease, and irritable bowel syndrome have steadily increased.

Never mind the Leaky Gut diseases or the malignant tumors, Splenda is calorie-free. /facepalm

[umgeorge]

undefined

george russell is interviewed after the race, miami, florida, u.s. - may 7, 2023 (transcription under the cut)

Interviewer: "Fantastic result. It looks like a great drive from you today. How are you feeling, standing here?" George: "Yeah, feeling pumped, to be honest, because it's been a little while since we've had a race like that, where we made some good overtakes stick. But pace, relatively speaking, was strong, and I felt good in the car, so yeah, for sure it's a satisfying one. I would have liked to have been three positions higher, but we know the position we are as a team right now and P4 was the maximum today." Interviewer: "If you're gonna sing on the radio again, though, let's find you a song, shall we?" [laughs] George: [laughs] [incoherent] "I wasn't really singing. I was ilke, 'That's how we roll.' No, it was good." Interviewer: [laughs] "Sounds like a song." George: "I mean, I maybe said it a little bit too quickly, 'cause I came out the next sector and Carlos was right behind me in the DRS, and I was thinking, 'Sugar! Maybe I said that a little too prematurely.' But no, it was a good day in the office, and yeah, sit down with everybody tomorrow and see how we can move from here." Interviewer: "It's twelve sleeps 'til Imola, is it? Twelve sleeps 'til this upgrade?" George: "Twelve...?" Interviewer: "Twelve sleeps. Are you counting?" George: "Twelve... [laughs] You make it sound like Christmas." Interviewer: "That's what I think it feels like for you, sometimes, when it comes to those." George: "There's a lot of expectations on Imola. At the end of the day, we finished 30-odd seconds behind the leaders today. We still finished quite a bit behind Fernando. For sure it's gonna take us a step in the right direction. It's not gonna transform things. Let's hope it does. The car's a little unpredictable at the moment, so hopefully it exceeds our expectations in the next race, but yeah, it's gonna be a bit of..."

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Kevin Siers

* * * *

 Joe Biden continues to deliver on his promises. On Tuesday, the Biden administration announced that it would begin negotiating prescription prices with drug manufacturers for ten commonly prescribed drugs:

Eliquis, Jardiance, Xarelto, Januvia, Farxiga, Entresto, Enbrel, Imbruvica, Stelara and Fiasp/NovoLog insulin products.

          In remarks at the White House, President Biden said that the negotiations for drugs covered by Medicare would include

drugs to treat everything from heart failure, blood clots, diabetes, kidney disease, arthritis, blood cancers, Crohn's disease and so much more. Today is the start of a new deal for patients where Big Pharma doesn't just get a blank check at your expense and the expense of the American people. On my watch, health care should be a right not a privilege in this country.

          Per the Inflation Reduction Act, the administration would designate an additional 15 drugs for price negotiations in 2027 and 2028, and 20 new drugs per year thereafter. Tens of millions of Americans will pay substantially lower out-of-pocket costs when the lower prices take effect in 2026.

          What is the Republican response to Biden’s historic achievements on behalf of the American people? They plan to impeach him. Why? It doesn’t matter. Distraction is the point. Republicans are willing to “Shoot first, ask questions later” because of Trump's increasing legal jeopardy. In apparent recognition of Trump's self-evident guilt, Republicans are willing to do anything to change the subject—even if that means impeaching Biden on “grounds to be named later.”

          As one “GOP lawmaker” told CNN (anonymously),

There’s no evidence that Joe Biden got money, or that Joe Biden, you know, agreed to do something so that Hunter could get money. There’s just no evidence of that. And they can’t impeach without that evidence. And I don’t I don’t think the evidence exists.

          Of course, the House GOP caucus is doing Trump's bidding. See Forbes, Trump Tells Congressional Republicans: Impeach ‘The BUM’ Biden Or ‘Fade Into Oblivion’.

          The threatened impeachment inquiry against Biden will overlap with the one-month period remaining for passing eleven spending bills necessary to fund the government beginning October 1, 2023. So, as the nation careers toward a government shutdown, Republicans will waste time with empty political melodrama attacking a president who continues to overperform and exceed expectations.

          In addition to a sham impeachment, Republicans may use the “must-pass” spending bills for the 2023-2024 budget to strip funding for special counsel Jack Smith’s prosecutors. See Talking Points Memo, Far-Right House GOPers Toss Targeting Trump Prosecutors Into Shutdown Threat Mix.

          Here’s the takeaway for people who yearn for the return to the rule of law: The threats to impeach Biden and defund Jack Smith are signs of desperation and fear. They signal that Trump is on the defensive and that at long last the American people are gaining the upper hand after six years in which Trump has run amok. If Trump were confident of his legal defenses, he would not be calling on House Republicans to rescue him.

[Robert B. Hubbell Newsletter]

[f1]

Max Verstappen hails 'very satisfying' win after climbing from ninth to first at Miami Grand Prix

Max Verstappen hails 'very satisfying' win after climbing from ninth to first at Miami Grand Prix... as George Russell reveals he's 'pumped' after Mercedes showed huge improvements Max Verstappen started the Miami Grand Prix in ninth, but won it with ease  George Russell was delighted with fourth - and Mercedes' improvements  DailyMail.com provides all the latest international sports news  By Ben Nagle For Dailymail.Com Published: 23:26 BST, 7 May 2023 | Updated: 23:26 BST, 7 May 2023 Max Verstappen opened up on a 'very satisfying' victory in Miami, after climbing through the field with relative ease to move from ninth to the top step of the podium. The two-time world champion overtook his Red Bull teammate Sergio Perez in the latter stages of the race to seal a third victory in five, and speaking after the race he was in a jubilant mood in the Miami sunshine.  'It was a good race,' he told Sky Sports. 'I stayed out of trouble at the beginning, had a clean race, picked off the cars one by one and I could stay out really long on the hard tyre. 'I think that's where we made the difference today and then a good little battle with Checo at the end. 'Yesterday was a bit of a setback, but today we kept it calm and clean, and winning a race from P9 is always very satisfying.' Max Verstappen celebrates on the podium after rising from ninth to win the Miami Grand Prix World champion Verstappen was behind his teammate Sergio Perez (right) - but not for long George Russell, meanwhile, was even happier - despite only managing to bring his Mercedes home in fourth. Such are the issues the Brackley-based team, but Sunday provided much encouragement as they look ahead to the next race in Imola in two weeks' time.  'I am feeling pumped to be honest because it has been a while since we had a good race like that where we made overtakes stick,' Russell said. 'The pace, relatively speaking, was strong and I felt good in the car so for sure it was a satisfying one. I would have liked to have been three positions higher but we know the position we are as a team right now and P4 was the maximum today. George Russell, pictured arriving with his girlfriend Carmen, was delighted to finish fourth Mercedes are improving, and there are now high hopes for the next race in Imola in a fortnight 'It was a good day at the office and will sit down with everybody tomorrow to see how we can move from here. There is a lot of expectations on Imola but at the end of the day, we finished 30-odd seconds behind the leaders today and we still finished quite a bit behind Fernando. 'I am sure it is going to take a step in the right direction but it is not going to transform things. Let's hope it does. 'The car is a little unpredictable at the moment so hopefully it exceeds our expectations in the next race but it is going to be a long journey'. Share or comment on this article: Max Verstappen hails 'very satisfying' win after climbing from ninth to first at Miami Grand Prix via Formula One | Mail Online https://www.dailymail.co.uk?ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490&ito=1490

[metaldragoon]

487/2023 KM done for the year! Played a ritto bashketbawl for the first time since I broke my hand, took one jumper and was like nah it’s post game for me tonight.  It went very well, though.  I didn’t want to not get my run in today, so I ran 10 KM before the 11.74KM I recorded hooping for two hours, so overall a tonne of KM logged.  I really didn’t expect to exceed 10KM but I do be a transition whore.  The game went well, my hand didn’t feel bad particularly beyond that jumpshot feeling horrible on release, and we won by like 6 but it was a bigger lead before the end.  Outside of my athletic adventures, I have been reading my one volume of Black Lagoon and I feel like it’s just really good quality.  The art is amazing and I’m pretty invested in the story, flippin’ pages, I think it does a great job of making it simultaneously a global plot while still feeling small and contained.  It’s also, I don’t know, just refreshing to see the multi-culturalism even if it is just the gangsters affiliated with different countries.

[shaadelyfe]

Hope is a strong word that can mean so many things: hope for the better, the worst, to be rich, to be happy, to feel fulfilled, to be an amazing athlete, to feel whole again……. My definition of hope begins with what can you achieve in a realistic mindset. Can you become the better man that you want to be for yourself or for others? I HOPE I can.

Over the past couple of years, it has been difficult to comprehend what the realistic outcome of any change would be. With the onset of the pandemic the whole world felt distant from each other. We no longer had the social interaction I so desperately needed, and it became the perfect storm that took my life on another path. I felt tired. My health was in disarray. I was complacent in what I had in front of me. I felt worthless and just a cog in the wheel. I worried night and day about when “normal” would come back. When would I feel the self-worth I was so desperately trying to achieve? I felt no hope at all. Hope-LESS

After years of tormenting myself in anxiety and depression, I’d say that hope eventually found me…and not in the best way. My body ached and I had sleepless nights. I felt so worn down and unhappy with my appearance I wanted to give up. I would be better off gone, I thought. But then, with a glimmer of hope I didn’t see in myself, my wife pushed/pleaded/insisted to get a physical. This is something I hadn’t done in over 15 years. Drumroll…..the bad news. Your liver is shot, kidneys a mess, cholesterol high and on the verge of diabetes, nerve problems, weight beyond reasonable, loss of memory, potential of cancer in your blood, and the list kept going. I saw more doctors and specialists over 3 months than I had in my entire life (not to mention all the blood work).  I was 34….

That’s when HOPE reached out and saved my life.

Most people equate this to “the lightbulb turned on” notion. NO, mine was DO or DIE (physically or mentally). I did the tests, I then knew that if I didn’t change my behaviors and thoughts on both sides: I wouldn’t see my children grow up and they wouldn’t have a father I always wanted to be (irreparable), I’d be a bad partner and not commit to our vows for over 16 years (cowardly), I’d be a disappointment to my family and continuation of past experiences (guilt/recurrence), I’d be the pity of conversation with friends (embarrassment), I’d be the “guy” that couldn’t get over his own securities to save his life and the emotions of those around him (self-guilt).

Everything stated above was flowing through my head. Weird to think that with all that doubt and contradiction, end of life was still a thought. That’s #mental

It took time to calm down, but i knew that was the only way. Do some meditation, read some positive books (thanks Headway), workout to clear my mind. Most importantly, address my addiction with alcohol. I might not remember the exact day, but the day I chose to live for myself is the only reason I’m writing this today. My “light bulb turn ON”! From that day forward, while not always easy, I started applying the #mentalwork needed to be there for all those that needed me too. As an emotional person I think about the aftereffects “If” I were to do something selfish before doing so. I wish others would’ve done the same, but inner voices get you and they can’t overcome. I chose the feelings of those around me as a catalyst to be better. Get healthy, be present, seek help, feel the power of self-worth, work harder, appreciate what you have, HOPE to do better.

### This was a long story on my progression for HOPE and the possibilities, awareness, and simple therapeutic outlet I chose to explore, but more will come. My journey as of 1-2-2023 equates to: 45lbs lighter, anxiety reduced by action, bigger belief in self-worth, deeper understanding of HOPE, and my choice to exceed expectations.

Sadness.Hope.Anxiety.Addiction.Depression.Expectations

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary118

1/9-10/2024

tuesday - wednesday

listening to some no-wave right now.

athletic automaton - the small ball game.

it's a good song, really fucked up nonsense riff spiraling out.

anyway today w/ music, i did not do what i wanted, i thought i'd get to 2 bigger remixes and 1 smaller correction, but i only did the small thing. i think this is partially because the next two big things are daunting, as in idk if i'll be able to get them right really, at least on this like, whatever-eth pass. but eventually. it's all iterative, and it's okay if it's slow, as long as i am learning.

i did do something good today though, re: productivity in art, i wrote a bit, or not a bit, a good chunk, something to fit into somewhere that maybe seemed thin, fleshing out multiple things, i think. and then a bit of narration right for the end came to me, in the shower. i really am happy with these two additions, they feel very strong.

otherwise today i did something i don't do a lot, i played 2 video games.

i'll talk about the like, artsy, game first.

i played 'he fucked the girl out of me' today, and i found it mostly good, i think, i guess i have to reflect on that more. i think maybe i just wish some parts where you are spending a long time walking, you moved faster. i don't know why though. i know those parts are supposed to make you feel stuck and miserable. it's also just that feeling of being stuck and miserable while walking, there's usually more than just that, there's an uncomfortable resonance w/ the environment, there's some kind of detail there making it all more lurid. or something. i dunno. that's a critique that's almost like 'missing the point' but it did come to me. i love the screen the game ends on, with the planet and the big mountains on it, i found that very pretty. i think maybe i also wish the game were written slightly differently but i don't know how, i really don't, i guess it just felt like it was maybe too caught up on itself, a lot of digressions w/ the audience. maybe i am just too eager to think 'fuck them' in those kinds of situations. but the more i talk about it, the more i think i basically like it because of how nostalgic it makes me, not even for stuff i necessarily like, but that whole first boom of queer games being made, that i remember, like that one game dys4ia (bad, basically, but fond memories of it), i remember playing that stuff as a kid, and through the years, into hs, seeing interesting queer indie games, often with that pixel art style, sometimes not, a big one i recall like that was that game anatomy by kitty horrorshow, who i wonder about. does she still make stuff?

it looks like maybe, she seems to kind of appear/disappear but she has an update on her patreon from 2023, so it seems like, maybe positive. i hope she's good rn. i really liked her games. cryptworlds was another huge one, for me, that game is kind of a freakish digital fort thunder feeling thing almost. there were others, as well, i remember porpentine's stuff, anyway, this game really connected to that period for me, the messiness of it, i do like that about these things, that's something that in hs inspired me to write, the relative rawness/emotionality of it all. i still think being able to go there is important but i also think now there's something to grow past in that, i guess it's the sense that if you're just emotionally raw all the time, you don't get anywhere, confessing 100% of the time doesn't get to the tension of being a person i think, there's things we don't ever even disclose to ourselves, maybe we think we do, there's a degree of distance at times, and then there's times we exceed (i don't want to use the word transcend as it suggests you become superior to/jump over that original confessional rawness) that and jump into something else, visions, ecstasy, explosions/disruption, in short i guess there's a way in which these confessional works fail to escape being monological, seeking to speak directly, they ensure a kind of total division / creation of the reading subject. it is not as it is in maurice blanchot's thomas the obscure, where thomas is reading and losing himself in the text, but instead there's a level of conversation, but you cannot necessarily respond. but idk, that's only some of these works, i don't think i can really level that at he fucked the girl out of me, the game elements make you participate in a way where you are writing/unwriting the text, so the way it's read is different. i guess more there in the critical thinking, i am thinking of something like dys4ia. i also do value vulnerability, a ton, i don't want it to seem like i don't or something, just that vulnerability is more complex/difficult than the most confessional work we see presents it. it, in certain cases, does truly require one to go beyond normal sociality and engage in a ways that seem wrong, speak incorrectly, cruelly, hysterically, whatever, speaking along the outer limits of acceptability. i think he fucked the girl out of me gets there, but i do also think its digressions to the player, moments where she says 'i can't explain this, this is a game, here's the short version,' and so on, that stuff gets in the way almost. this makes me sound really awful i guess, i'm being too hard almost? i dunno. the more i talk about it the more i admire it, because i think basically all games of this type kind of struggle with this, kitty horrorshow doesn't but she was making horror and her games were very light on this kind of particular writing, lilithofthezone was so abstract as well, the games weren't unemotional but the laughter of the carnivalesque was permitted, or that particular mode of feeling/sensing, under the weight of all that severity and so on, the boundary between tears of laughter and pain blurred totally. i think he fucked the girl out of me definitely marks a step towards getting closer to this in these kinds of games.

i also think the person that made it, taylor mccue, seems admirable, to me at least.

the other game i played today, was minecraft. i have to play with cube shaped objects to soothe my mind sometimes i guess. it is nice to play the game. my computer is so bad that my render distance is like, 3 chunks large. it's fucked but i am happy playing it. it really does soothe me. that says things about the kind of brain i have that i need this kind of thing sometimes like i need #### ### (censored) other times, and then other times i just need to write or whatever.

still feeling nostalgia for that early queer game wave, idek if it really was a wave or not, or if i was just too immersed or something. it's funny how much i liked all that and insisted on my being "normal" at the time. when i was like 8 years old, i swear, 8 or 12?? before 12, definitely. my cousin said to me:

you're going to be one of those people that gets their penis cut off and grows boobs.

and i said:

i don't know.

i'm definitely no the type to want bottom surgery. it's funny he didn't see that in me at all when i was living with him/my aunt, though. maybe he did and just didn't say anything.

tomorrow i definitely have to at least get that drum idea down, i hope i can continue to remember it, i'm sure it's mutant by now but the idea is still there, i can hear it, really. i love when i can hear ideas. it's just very hard to translate a lot of the time.

anyways i am like falling asleep on the ground so i just need to go to bed,

so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dfroza]

Today’s reading from the ancient books of Proverbs and Psalms

for december 31 of 2023 with Proverbs 31 and Psalm 31, accompanied by Psalm 11 for the 11th day of Astronomical Winter, and Psalm 65 for day 365 of the year (with the consummate book of 150 Psalms in its 3rd revolution this year and “resetting” tomorrow for the first day of 2024)

[Proverbs 31]

These are the words of King Lemuel. An oracle of wisdom handed down to him by his mother:

Mother: What shall I say to you, my son? What wisdom can I impart, child of my womb?

What insight can I share, son of my vows?

Do not waste your strength on women

or invest yourself in women who would destroy even kings.

Take care, my son, O Lemuel.

Kings should not drink too much wine

or rulers should not crave strong drink;

For if they do, they will become drunk and forget the decree they just made

and alter the course of justice for all the poor and afflicted.

Rather, give liquor to one who is dying,

and offer wine to those struggling with life’s harsh realities.

Let such a one drink and forget what he is missing;

then perhaps he won’t remember his sorrows anymore.

Speak out on behalf of those who have no voice,

and defend all those who have been passed over.

Open your mouth, judge fairly,

and stand up for the rights of the afflicted and the poor.

Who can find a truly excellent woman? One who is superior in all that she is and all that she does?

Her worth far exceeds that of rubies and expensive jewelry.

She inspires trust, and her husband’s heart is safe with her,

and because of her, he has every good thing.

Every day of her life she does what is best for him,

never anything harmful or hurtful.

Delight attends her work and guides her fingers

as she selects the finest wool and flax for spinning.

She moves through the market like merchant ships

that dock here and there in distant ports,

finally arriving home with food she’s carried from afar.

She rises from bed early, in the still of night,

carefully preparing food for her family

and providing a portion to her servants.

She has a plan. She considers some land and buys it;

then with her earnings, she plants a vineyard.

She wraps herself in strength, carries herself with confidence,

and works hard, strengthening her arms for the task at hand.

She tastes success and knows it is good,

and under lamplight she works deep into the night.

Her hands skillfully place the unspun flax and wool on the distaff,

and her fingers twist the spindle until thread forms.

She reaches out to the poor

and extends mercy to those in need.

She is not worried about the cold or snow for her family,

for she has clothed them all in warm, crimson coats.

She makes her own bed linens

and clothes herself in purple and fine cloth.

Everyone recognizes her husband in the public square,

and no one fails to respect him as he takes his place of leadership in the community.

She makes linen garments and sells them in the market,

and she supplies belts for tradesmen to carry across the sea.

Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear,

she smiles when she thinks about the future.

She conducts her conversations with wisdom,

and the teaching of kindness is ever her concern.

She directs the activities of her household,

and never does she indulge in laziness.

Her children rise up and bless her.

Her husband, too, joins in the praise, saying:

“There are some—indeed many—women who do well in every way,

but of all of them only you are truly excellent.”

Charm can be deceptive and physical beauty will not last,

but a woman who reveres the Eternal should be praised above all others.

Celebrate all she has achieved.

Let all her accomplishments publicly praise her.

The Book of Proverbs, Chapter 31 (The Voice)

A set of notes from The Voice translation:

King Lemuel’s mother warns him of the dangers of women and wine. In different ways, both have brought down great leaders. Both are certainly distractions to a king’s true work—defending the poor.

Marrying the right person is one of the most important decisions most people ever make, so they must choose wisely and carefully. The Book of Proverbs ends with a tribute to a wise choice in a wife. She is strong, independent, capable, and cares for her husband, her family, and the poor. She runs the whole household. In ancient Israel, this would mean a large extended family—including servants with all of their activities—and the family business. Her husband would sing her praises publicly before the community leaders. Those who know her would admire her for her skills, her industry, and her character.

[Psalm 31]

For the worship leader. A song of David.

You are my shelter, O Eternal One—my soul’s sanctuary!

Shield me from shame;

rescue me by Your righteousness.

Hear me, Lord! Turn Your ear in my direction.

Come quick! Save me!

Be my rock, my shelter,

my fortress of salvation!

You are my rock and my fortress—my soul’s sanctuary!

Therefore, for the sake of Your reputation, be my leader, my guide, my navigator, my commander.

Save me from the snare that has been secretly set out for me,

for You are my protection.

I entrust my spirit into Your hands.

You have redeemed me, O Eternal, God of faithfulness and truth.

I despise the people who pay respect to breathless idols,

and I trust only in You, Eternal One.

I will gladly rejoice because of Your gracious love

because You recognized the sadness of my affliction.

You felt deep compassion when You saw the pains of my soul.

You did not hand me over to the enemy,

but instead, You liberated me

and made me secure in a good and spacious land.

Show me Your grace, Eternal One, for I am in a tight spot.

My eyes are aching with grief;

my body and soul are withering with miseries.

My life is devoured by sorrow,

and my years are haunted with mourning.

My sin has sapped me of all my strength;

my body withers under the weight of this suffering.

To all my enemies I am an object of scorn.

My neighbors especially are ashamed of me.

My friends are afraid to be seen with me.

When I walk down the street, people go out of their way to avoid me.

I am as good as dead to them. Forgotten!

Like a shattered clay pot, I am easily discarded and gladly replaced.

For I hear their whispered plans;

terror is everywhere!

They conspire together,

planning, plotting, scheming to take my life.

But I pour my trust into You, Eternal One.

I’m glad to say, “You are my God!”

I give the moments of my life over to You, Eternal One.

Rescue me from those who hate me and who hound me with their threats.

Look toward me, and let Your face shine down upon Your servant.

Because of Your gracious love, save me!

Spare me shame, O Eternal One,

for I turn and call to You.

Instead, let those who hate me be shamed;

let death’s silence claim them.

Seal their lying lips forever,

for with pride and contempt boiling in their hearts,

they speak boldly against the righteous and persecute those who poured their trust into You.

Your overflowing goodness

You have kept for those who live in awe of You,

And You share Your goodness with those who make You their sanctuary.

You hide them, You shelter them in Your presence,

safe from the conspiracies of sinful men.

You keep them in Your tent,

safe from the slander of accusing tongues.

Bless the Eternal!

For He has revealed His gracious love to me

when I was trapped like a city under siege.

I began to panic so I yelled out,

“I’m cut off. You no longer see me!”

But You heard my cry for help that day

when I called out to You.

Love the Eternal, all of you, His faithful people!

He protects those who are true to Him,

but He pays back the proud in kind.

Be strong, and live courageously,

all of you who set your hope in the Eternal!

The Book of Psalms, Poem 31 (The Voice)

[Psalm 11]

For the worship leader. A song of David.

I am already in the soft embrace of the Eternal,

so why do you beckon me to leave, saying,

“Fly like a bird to the mountains.

Look! The wicked approach with bows bent,

sneaking around in the shadows,

setting their arrows against their bowstrings to pierce everyone whose heart is pure.

If the foundations are crumbling,

is there hope for the righteous?”

But the Eternal has not moved; He remains in His holy temple.

He sits squarely on His heavenly throne.

He observes the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve, examining us within and without,

exploring every fiber of our beings.

The Eternal searches the hearts of those who are good,

but He despises all those who can’t get enough of perversion and violence.

If you are evil, He will rain hot lava over your head,

will fill your cup with burning wind and liquid fire to scorch your insides.

The Eternal is right in all His ways;

He cherishes all that is upright.

Those who do what is right in His eyes will see His face.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 11 (The Voice)

A note from The Voice translation:

Psalm 11 is a Davidic psalm expressing trust in the Eternal as a refuge and fortress for those who do what is right. David spent many years struggling first with Saul, then with the neighboring nations, and finally against the rebellion led by his son Absalom.

[Psalm 65]

For the worship leader. A song of David.

All will stand in awe to praise You.

Praise will sweep through Zion, the Sacred City, O God.

Solemn vows uttered to You will now be performed.

You hear us pray in words and silence;

all humanity comes into Your presence.

Injustice overwhelms me!

But You forgive our sins, restoring as only You can.

You invite us near, drawing us

into Your courts—what an honor and a privilege!

We feast until we’re full on the goodness of Your house,

Your sacred temple made manifest.

You leave us breathless when Your awesome works answer us by putting everything right.

God of our liberation—

You are the hope of all creation, from the far corners of the earth

to distant life-giving oceans.

With immense power, You erected mountains.

Wrapped in strength, You compelled

Choppy seas,

crashing waves,

and crowds of people

To sit in astonished silence.

Those who inhabit the boundaries of the earth are awed by Your signs,

strong and subtle hints of Your indelible presence.

Even the dawn and dusk respond to You with joy.

You spend time on the good earth,

watering and nourishing the networks of the living.

God’s river is full of water!

By preparing the land,

You have provided us grain for nourishment.

You are the gentle equalizer: soaking the furrows,

smoothing soil’s ridges,

Softening sun-baked earth with generous showers,

blessing the fruit of the ground.

You crown the year with a fruitful harvest;

the paths are worn down by carts overflowing with unstoppable growth.

Barren desert pastures yield fruit;

craggy hills are now dressed for celebration.

Meadows are clothed with frolicking flocks of lambs;

valleys are covered with a carpet of autumn-harvest grain;

the land shouts and sings in joyous celebration.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 65 (The Voice)