#(anyway if you want babey content hit the heart

[carcharsaur]

ok I finished jack jeanne for real (all cgs unlocked) time to blog about it. I think it's just straight up the best otome on the market you can play right now. albeitttt I don't play many indies but this game was just a powerhouse of heartfelt warmth and character growth god DAMN!!!! also the art is just so beautiful yay sui ishida

I don't wanna spoil much about the game even though I also want to gush about it but I'll put this under a cut cause I dunno how long I'll ramble

I can't even really think of any huge complaints. there's a couple small things still, nothing's perfect, but compared to literally any other otome I've played the lack of things I need to overlook is also a breath of fresh air!!! the one thing that's like, this genuinely might made it hard to recommend is that my final play time was 140 hours... and that was with a lot of fast-forwarding through repeated content and not much idling (unlike I usually do LOL) but MY GOD IT'S SO FUCKING WORTH IT.... PLEASE.... you can even play it as a strictly platonic game (which would cut down the hours by like at least half) and even then I think that would be worth buying it...

ALSO: VOICED HEROINE!! my fucking favorite. also she's amazing. my new fav otoge MC... I need her to be happy and successful forever or I will drown myself in tears ok

every LI genuinely tugged at my heart strings, I cried happy tears at the ending every time... it's like eating freshly baked cookies... just overwhelming warmth...

it also did the impossible by making me MISS high school, because I was in band and choir etc and it made me so damn nostalgic for the power of putting on a performance even if I was almost never center stage TvT this game is so earnest in it's efforts and care, I literally could feel the love in it... ahg

my favorite character though was Kai... I was expecting it but he still hit me harder than expected IN MULTIPLE WAYS REAL AS HELLLLLLLLLL BTWWWW v

also I wasn't expecting this game to handle social and gender norms in a like... way I'd actually identify with? because japan has a different history with all that especiallyy within the world of theater and a lot of modern japanese media has weird ways of. um. un-lgbt'ing their cast I'll say lmao. but this game pulled some shit off I wasn't expecting. I really really really enjoyed it (and I already enjoy the awkward or clumsy "heroine hides her gender" stories so maybe I'm biased here LOL) I know this game probably took soo much fucking money to make and who knows how many years but. god I want a sequel so bad THE SIDE CHARACTERS WERE SO GOOD. it's heart warming and filling but also so so charming I can't help but hope they make more. there's light novels and stuff but I doubt those will ever be officially translated T___T ah well

also the OST, especially the performance tracks sung by the cast ARE SO INSANELY GOOD !!!! 10/10 BABEY

anyway. kai clip to say goodbye

[suitwcrthy]

*STARTER CALL

Like for a probably short Pre-Bite starter ! 

[earthdeep]

ok. thoughts on dgs now I've completed both 1 and 2. spoilers abound under the cut. but tl;dr I liked it a lot.

man, the thing really did feel like a great adventure huh? the game did an excellent job at conveying that sense of grandeur, along with the humour and melodrama one expects from the series. I can really only talk about it as the one conjoined unit though. while aa1-3 were a trilogy, I would argue they largely stood as entries on their own in a way I don't think the dgs duology can. I mentioned when I finished up dgs1 that I would've been disappointed if I'd had to wait for part 2 like the original japanese audience did, and my opinion on that has only strengthened. between the morse code message, and van zieks'... development, these are two parts of a whole.

but it is a very good whole imo, with its throughline of ryunosuke gaining confidence and finding what to believe in (the truth will set u free babey!). it matches well with the recurrent theme of ur idols being... not quite as u imagined. as is aa tradition, u have the complex web of family and legacy and forging ur own path, all balanced in a way that I really like. man, it's just... so well crafted.

obvs there are a few weird hiccups here and there, logic sometimes not clicking together (at least for me), and for that I do appreciate having the story mode option. I only used it... I think twice? once in the pawnshop case where I forgot I'd only shown one receipt to gregson and not both, and once in the teleportation case where I missed examining the book on sithe's desk (in my defence it has a really small hitbox compared to the desk that surrounds it!). but it saved me some frustration, so that's always nice.

the setting was definitely very enjoyable. I personally have a soft spot for seeing portrayals of my country by those outside the anglosphere, and this absolutely hit the spot for me. the scenery was an excellent balance of the familiar old london fare and ace attorney's brand of surrealism that just. yes. excellent. weirdly high number of blonds tho. but some of the behind the scenes content did explain it was to more clearly differentiate the britons from the japanese, and ok I can understand that.

but moving onto the characters themselves, bc BOY was this a fun cast! the animation team went OFF with these guys and I love them for it. except daley vigil; those awkward poses just kinda made him look more unfinished than he already did, dunno what happened with him.

there's just... so much little stuff I would be just reiterating from my liveblogging, but now I'm done there's other stuff I can sum up.

right off the bat, favourite character gina. she has stolen my heart along with everything else on my person. I'm proud of her for learning to open up and trust others, and imo she's one of the characters with the most dramatic arc. also, top notch character designs. excellently green. yes I am biased.

honorable mentions go to susato for being 100% the coolest person in this shebang, and kazuma for his total flippancy towards the whole assassin thing. for the ten years between asogi sr's death and the student exchange deal, the mikotoba residence must have been a sight to behold. and by that I mean a warzone.

but... argh I've put it off. I don't particularly like talking about van zieks, but I can't just ignore him since you know. discourse. ugh. he's the one character in this game whose dialogue I resorted to flipping through without really paying attention. there is only so many times I can watch him deride the japanese before it's just boring. like it's not like I'm even that annoyed by the insulting thing. I love prosecutors like blackquill and nahyuta who at least bother to be funny, but van zieks is just xenophobic and that's it. if I wanted that experience I could just pick up a copy of the spectator and not worry about missing key plot details if I skim.

and no he doesn't have a good reason to hate the japanese. hating a country bc someone from there killed a loved one of urs is already flimsy enough, but when u state ur ire is being drawn by how it was covered up BY UR OWN COUNTRY'S JUDICIARY? DUDE. but yes, he got to eat shit during the last case and I felt only schadenfreude at him having to face the fact that even the aforementioned 'a japanese guy murdered my brother' didn't hold up in court. get dunked on u idiot.

boy am I glad kazuma also got the limelight for that case so I could focus on him instead. bc there was actually some depth to that situation, with the fun eternal moral conundrum of "revenge: yay or nay?". I'm already seeing debate in the fandom of his actions and personally, I think he was pretty much exactly in the grey zone. this man is chaotic neutral through and through, and taking a governmental assassination contract and then just Not Doing It is incredibly funny actually. I'm very sorry he was unable to live out his dream of having a fun homoerotic detective adventure in london with his friend while doing the hitman equivalent of tax avoidance. enjoy whatever the FUCK one calls handing over the physical embodiment of your soul to your friend for safekeeping while you go your separate ways half a world apart. that's Romantic with a capital R, that.

but anyway, yes. good game. time to trawl through the extras menu now!

[ichirostitties]

welcome!! can i please get some uhhhhh pining/confession hcs for ichiro, doppo, and dice? 👀

HEY GUYS IT’S BEEN A HOT MINUTE i should be able to update more frequently now!! work b like kickin my ass + i’ve been replying for uni so uwu owo i’m back now alSO oh..THIS RQ WAS LIKE MADE FOR ME!! they’re all good dudes ughh dw i’ll send them all the love

Ichiro

-oh this poor kid. he has no clue what to do, it sort of hit him out of nowhere one day; that he realised he really REALLY liked you, like a lot!! more than a friend (i think ichiro is the type of person who would only really fall for someone he considers a friend first, so u gotta be his friend before u can suck his dick ok)

-he can’t stop thinking about you, especially when he’s reading those light novels of his. he can’t help picturing the two of you in the same situations as the main love interests and he keeps!! blushing and having to stop reading because it makes his heart so soft but he’s so embarrassed 

-every time he sees you he can feel his heart sort of..squeeze or ache in some way, he finds it hard to hold back his feelings because he’s usually so honest and affectionate but he really doesn’t want to ruin your friendship.

-jiro and saburo notice he’s been acting differently recently, he’s been a little more easily distracted and he seems especially jumpy when you come around…honestly they can probably tell what’s up, i think they’d try to get you two alone but they simultaneously facepalm when ichiro still says nothing and just keeps staring at you when you’re not looking (sometimes you notice but you don’t think much of it)

-he would probably imagine some different romantic confession scenario each night. before he goes to sleep he lies there and he imagines various (impossible) ways his confession to you would go. it’s all really cliche but he’s having the time of his life before he goes to sleep and probably dreams about it too

-bruh ichiro is so whipped like.,he’d drop anything to help you if you needed it. he’s such a sweetie and even you notice he’s been doing more to help than usual lately. please remind him to take care of himself, i feel like he needs someone to do that for him sometimes

-it takes time, a lot of longing glances at you and he probably even sighs wistfully while reading manga, but eventually he’ll gather up the courage to tell you how he feels. he’s planned some impossibly elaborate scenario, but one day when you guys are just hanging out on one of his days off playing video games or something (GOD I WISH THAT WERE ME…THIS BITCH Y/N IS OUT HERE LIVING THEIR BEST LIFE) he just sorta..lets it slip that he really likes you. 

-he would definitely only ever say it in person. he thinks that doing it via message/text is sort of an easy way out and what sort of person would he be if he did that?? he’s gotta gather up the courage just like his favourite main characters have done so many times!!

-so he’d tell you, and if you accept him he’d be SO HAPPY i think he’d almost cry. he’d give you the biggest, softest hug ever and you’d probably have to tell him to stop squeezing so hard but!!! aah!! he’s so so happy that you return his feelings and he doesn’t even care that you guys technically wasted time with all the moments he couldn’t bring himself to say anything

-and as a zombie kills him in minecraft in the background, ichiro can feel that ache in his chest finally subside as he leans in to give you a big ol smooch right on the lips (mwah ily too ichiro)

Daisu

-ok. this one made me a little emo ngl

-when dice finds out he has feelings for you, he really doesn’t know what else to do. there’s evidence that he actually doesn’t think that highly of himself (..im lookin at you hypmic manga + stella lyric video), so he would probably be content to be around you in any way, even if it isn’t romantic, because he’s just so happy and kind of astounded you want to be around him as much as you do at all

-he isn’t very obviously like this, though, it’s just thoughts he has sometimes so you don’t notice anything, but they’re still there. he doesn’t think you’d want to date someone like him, after all, he’s a bit of a screw-up, right?(NO HE ISNT..DICE IS BABEY) he’s only 20, and yet he’s already made so many bad decisions…

-and he finds himself enjoying your company even more than usual, he really does love you so much and he isn’t used to feeling this way! his chest hurts when he thinks about you, and he just sees your hand and wants to hoLD IT SO BADLY but he can’t bring himself to say anything

-he’s always been a little clingy towards people who are kind to him, but you notice he’s been like that even more than usual. he doesn’t even beg money from you like usual, he’s just…there, a lot. not that you mind, in fact you welcome his company, you just notice that difference

-he stays with you a lot, and you guys still have just as much fun together as you always did! he’s great to be around, he’s really lighthearted even if he gets riled up easily, and maybe you start to notice this light, fluttery feeling when he’s around too..but you brush it off as just general enjoyment of his presence

-it’s one day, after he’s had a particular lucky streak down at the slot machines, that he feels that wave of dopamine hit and just rushes to your place, excited at all his winnings, and accidentally-on-purpose (he’s aware of what he’s doing, he just can’t really control his mouth lol) tells you how he feels in a big rush of excitement (probably like “AND I THINK I WON CAUSE I’VE BEEN AROUND YOU A LOT!! YOU’RE LIKE MY LUCKY CHARM!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH Y/N!!”

-you’re like “uhh..ok what?? bruh moment” as he keeps going, then he realises what he said and COMPLETELY STOPS, he’s speechless for a good few seconds, before he turns pretty red and starts pacing around the room ranting about how it wasn’t supposed to go like that!!! he wasn’t supposed to say anything because there’s no way you’d wanna be with someone like him!!

-and then you go over to him to calm him down, take his hand in yours and assure him that actually, you do want to be with him. you tell him you’ve liked him for a while now too, but you’d only figured it out recently, and he’s just so shocked that his brain stops working for a moment and he looks like “…” but as a person

-and then he gets the biggest, cheesiest dice-grin on his face and gives you a BIG BIG BONE-CRUSHING HUG, spins you around, and says he loves you over and over while you laugh and cry simultaneously because you think he’s about to snap your spine

-after that’s over, you tell him that he shouldn’t think of himself as trash or anything; sure he’s like the definition of bad decisions, but you don’t care because he’s an honest, kind person whose company you genuinely enjoy, and even if he gambled all his clothes and everything else he owns away, you’d still wanna be with him because you feel the same, you love him

-he’s so happy! he feels luckier than he ever has in his entire life, his day has gone so well and he has the best sleep (by your side, ofc) he’s had in a long time

Doppo

-a nervous wreck..you think he’s bad normally?? he’s 100 times worse now that he’s realised he likes you in a romantic way

-he’s REALLY OBVIOUS!! poor man :^( he stutters while he’s talking to you (more than usual), he blushes BRIGHT RED when asking you anything, he’s fidgeting SO MUCH like his hands are shaking (knees weak palms sweaty mom’s spaghetti), and sometimes he can’t even bring himself to greet you when he sees you because he’s just too afraid of screwing up and making you hate him (as if you could ever..doppo is amazing)

-everyone within a mile radius can tell how he feels. hifumi almost tells you himself before doppo smacks him straight across the face and tells him to shut the hell his mouth before apologizing profusely to you and dragging mr hifoomi away for a severe talking to about Social Boundaries (then apologizes for giving him the smack and pats him on the head. i love their friendship)

-he’d go out of his way to see you at least once a day, even if he can’t always bring himself to talk to you and even if it means he gets home a little later than usual. he feels horribly creepy just watching you, but his heart is fluttering so much and his chest is aching so badly he can’t do much more than that, no matter how much he wants to go over to you

-he will NEVER confess purposely. his self esteem is so cripplingly low he’s convinced you don’t even like him that much anyway, let alone return his feelings, and he thinks him confessing would just make you despise him, so he never says anything and just remains stuck in this horrible loop

-one day, however, he’s had the shittiest day in a while (at least, it stands out compared to others), and you invite him over for dinner (it’s been a while, after all!). he thinks, why not? how could this day get any worse? at least he’ll get to see you, even if he makes a big fool of himself and you end up hating him. at least it’ll all be over in one day

-you’re actually a little nervous yourself. you really like doppo, and you had plans to say something to him yourself this evening. you didn’t want to give him a nervous breakdown, however, so you had this whole thing planned out where you’d give him the most relaxing dinner possible so he’d at least be in a relatively normal state of mind so you could tell him your feelings

-well!! spoiler alert, it doesn’t end up like that. doppo, more anxious than usual, keeps slipping over his words and keeps muttering under his breath, and you can only seem to calm him for a max of 5 minutes at a time before he’s at it again. you manage to get through dinner fine, in fact it’s really pleasant, but after that he doesn’t know what to do and ends up biting his nails on your couch while you tidy up

-he says it accidentally. he didn’t mean for you to hear it, but he says that he loves you and you almost drop the plate you’re holding in shock because!! no way! he feels the same? and you turn around and he’s got this absolutely devastated look on his face because he’s convinced he’s just ruined your entire relationship

-you rush over to him before he can start apologizing and self-deprecating again (he gets a few out before you reach him) and you pull him up off the couch and into your arms because boy does he look like he needs a hug right now. you stroke his hair and reassure him that you feel the same! in fact, you were planning on confessing to him yourself at some point tonight, but he beat you to it! you congratulate him on being brave enough to say it aloud, even if it was an accident

-doppo’s in shock. he doesn’t know what to say, but he loves the feeling of your hand stroking his hair and leans into it, unable to believe his luck. he probably starts crying as soon as his emotions catch up to him because he’s SO RELIEVED, that was so stressful for him, and he’s not sure if he’s felt this happy in a long time

-he calls hifumi and tells him he’ll be out for the night, before he decides to stay over at your place for the night (screw work, he’ll call in sick) and maybe talk to you about nice things while he falls asleep. he’s wanted this for so long and you’re more than happy to have him over to talk things out properly (and also try to lift his spirits a little. poor man needs a break)

-and now u guys r dating and it’s wholesome and pleASE GIVE HIM ALL UR LOVE HE NEEDS IT!! 

[9g99]

Quiet Intimacy - C.H.

summary - Friends can sleep in each other’s beds, but friends don’t treat each other like you and Calum do.

word count - 3.9k+

author’s note - slow burn best friends to lovers AU again?? u betcha babey. you know that one cocktail chat where calum’s like ‘oh wassup baby’?? yeah i got inspiration from that. enjoy :-)

warnings - swearing, depressive episode/anxiety attack (it’s mainly just breakdown from stress u kno??), mentions of alcohol and drinking, mentions of water and (feeling like one is) drowning, fluff + angst

Calum thinks it’s pathetic - the situation he’s in. He’s not one for cliches and yet he’s living one each moment he continues to breathe. I mean truthfully, there’s nothing wrong with it, but he knows how this will complicate things more. Or maybe it won’t but he doubts that because friends shouldn’t think of friends like they are heaven, like they embody light and joy. Friends shouldn’t long to hold the other’s hand and imagine kissing their lips when their smile is so bright that its elegance transcends to you so you’re smiling back at them. Most importantly, friends shouldn’t like each other as more than friends and more as lovers.

“You were in my dream last night,” you admit to Calum. You take a sip from your water.

Calum chokes on his spoonful of cereal. He didn’t expect those words to come from your mouth. The beating in his chest quickens. He just assumed what he had was unrequited, but with those words, Calum thinks maybe it’s not. Maybe the feelings are mutual. Maybe your heart heard the song his played for you, the sweet melody of a tender affection for the beautiful angel who makes his heart race but also calms it with its kind nature. Once he recovers from his coughing fit, he replies, “Oh yeah, what about?”

You can’t help but admire how natural it is having Calum here. Your heart flutters at the domesticity. This is what people aspire for. They want something simple, something compassionate, something warm, and something enduring. You swallow another mouthful. “It’s not like anything weird, so chill.”

“Last time you told me about your dream that you said wasn’t weird was early 1900s themed and you had a pet dragon,” he retorts.

You glare at him and explain, “Well it’s not like that, so shut up and let me talk.” Calum rolls his eyes. “Um, well it was us at Ikea, that furniture store, you know the one --”

“I know what Ikea is (Y/N),” Calum intrudes. You throw a crumpled napkin at him. Calum quickly dodges it and watches the annoyance slowly build in your eyes. You scold, “Hey, I said don’t talk, but anyways we went to Ikea and you know that movie 500 Days of Summer?” Calum nods. “Yeah it was like that. We were exploring Ikea like Summer and Tom did. I thought it was nice and fun and- hey why are you looking at me like that?”

A smirk graces Calum’s lips, but Calum wouldn’t say it’s one. It’s not a smirk, but rather a bashful grin where only one corner of his mouth tilted up, while his eyes gleamed at you with hope and curiosity. The look on his face was a consequence of your earlier confession about him - you had a dream about him, a dream with him where you two went on a date. His innocent questions left you to incomprehensible sentences. “Does someone have a crush on me? Does (Y/N) specifically have a crush me, Calum Hood?”

“What? No. Me liking you? Please, that’s like, um, that’s like-,” you stutter.

“Yeah, okay, sure you don’t,” he chides. “A dream is a wish your heart makes, just saying.”

And his heart wants you. His heart dreams for you.

Calum wonders if you’ve ever considered him as something more than a friend. You probably don’t because this quiet intimacy you two have can be just as platonic as it can be romantic.

It was grocery day, meaning you and him would go to the supermarket to buy whatever foods you thought you were low on stock in your apartment. It was a joke at first for Calum to tag along when you went to the store, but now it feels unnatural if he’s not there. You accustomed to Calum’s commentary on which apple looked better than another, why it’s better to cut your own melons than buy the pre-cut fruit, his hesitance, but he quickly got over that uncomfortable feeling, of waiting in line at the register when you forgot one item and scurried back to the aisles to find it, and most of all, his insistence to always buy at least one box of his favorite cereal. You never do, of course, but he notices that you somehow always have it stocked in your pantry despite all his pleads.

This time around, it felt different. You didn’t want Calum to be there with you. You wanted to grocery shop alone for once. Maybe it was because you had a crap day at work and wanted to indulge in your stash of ice cream, but then you remembered you ate all of it last time Calum came over, so you felt even worse on your way back home. Maybe it was because the elevator broke down and you had to walk up four flights of stairs just to get to your apartment that you felt even snappier and annoyed that day. Maybe it was because you didn’t get a call or email back about your application for another job to quit your current one. Maybe it was a culmination of things that made your body feel like it was slowly walking down the shore of a beach. With each step, the tide pulled you further. The pull of the water was driving you into deep depths to the sea. The further you walked, the harder it was to move your body back to its origin. Your movements stalled as you noticed as a wave begins to form. Your breath quickened in and out of your lungs, because you’ve never been this far out before by yourself; with other people, yes, but alone, no. The wave gained more momentum as it swam to you. Just as it struck down on you, you heard a voice call out your name. Once it hit, the water ran and so did your tears.

You thought you were drowning, that you were done for, that this was the end. You couldn’t breathe and you couldn’t move, but you smelled a hint of musk in the water. Wait, that doesn’t make sense.

It was then you realized you weren’t in the ocean trapped in a current. You opened your eyes to find your body trapped in strong arms. The unknown arms keeper whispered soft reassurances to you in a long hug. Your senses slowly regained when you turned your head up and saw a familiar face.

The dark colored hair, the slight stubble on their chin, the soft cotton shirt, the trace of smoke hidden in the aroma of their cologne, and the beautiful plump pink lips.

Calum whispered again to your hair, “you’re okay. It’s okay. You’re okay. I got you.”

You sighed into his neck. His arms pulled away as he led you back to your front door. He set you down on the sofa as he prepared you a glass of water. He handed you the cup and wouldn’t take it back until you finished all of its contents.

You hated this part, the part where Calum pressed on and on about what’s wrong and what happened to you. You prepared for his splurge of questions, but it never came. Instead he cleared his throat and breathed, “I, um, I saw the list.”

Your eyebrows furrowed. Calum grabbed for something in his pocket. “The grocery list. I got your stuff already. Thought I forgot somethin’ here Tuesday and was gonna ask you to look but remembered you gave the spare, so I kinda just came over and saw it,” he admitted. “I know we usually go together, but I had to get some stuff too, so thought mind as well do yours too. Sorry if that’s like a no-no. I won’t do it again.”

A gentle smile drew on your face at Calum’s shy rambles. You stood from the couch and pulled him up. Your arms wrapped around his torso as you mumbled, “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Calum knew he shouldn’t leave you in such a fragile state, but he really needed to get back home and tend to Duke. He mustered the confidence. “I know you just got home, but do you wanna head over to my place? We could just do take out and you can take the guest room if you’re still tired.”

During the drive to his, you couldn’t keep your hands still. The crying session was over, yes, but the stress was still there and you had no release of that. At a red light, Calum reached for one hand and interlaced his fingers with yours, a reassurance that he was there for you and you aren’t alone. He pressed his lips to the back of your hand and rested your entwined hands on your thigh once the traffic light switched to green. As the tires ran to their next destination, Calum’s thumb ran soft and slow laps on your skin.

When you finally reached his house, you didn’t want to let go. If you left the vehicle, then the intimacy that transpired in Calum’s car would also disappear. Those twenty minutes of peace, quiet, and simply being together, like what you had was something more, something more than what you and Calum simply were - friends - would soon fade into a distant memory of a romance that set ablaze for fleeting moments but quickly put out.

Calum turned to you, still holding your hand. He spoke, “Hey, I think we should at least get in before the sun sets, no?”

You exhale loudly. You mumbled, “Okay, yeah. Let’s go.”

You pulled the tab to open the car door, but Calum was already there outside your door. He was breathless. He chuckled before squatting in front of you, still gasping for air. “Can’t let my best girl walk again after those four flights of stairs. Come on, hop on.”

Everything after the piggy back became hazy if someone asked you to describe what happened that day. There was one thing you didn’t expect to find a picture of you asleep on Calum’s chest with his arm around you on his sofa on your phone. You most certainly didn’t expect for Ashton’s text in the group chat to say, “and you two say you aren’t together.”

Calum understands how having feelings for his best friend can either make or break the two of you. That’s why he’s concealed it from you for so long. He only told the boys and he fears they might be the ones that will tell you in a drunken stupor or out of pure accident, but he knows they wouldn’t. They’re his boys and their friendship was always greater than putting one of their love interests at stake over friendship.

Take right now for instance. You’re with the boys, but you’re leaning against Calum as you watch Ashton instruct them how to make some concoction of an alcoholic drink. Michael quickly pours in the alcohol, while Luke steadily pours in some type of chaser - fruit punch, you think it is but you’re not too sure - to mask the putrid taste of vodka.

You whisper into Calum’s ear, “Do they want to die tonight or?”

Calum laughs at your remark. He isn’t even sure why they’re throwing a party. Maybe it’s to celebrate how well received the released singles for their upcoming album have been, but still they usually don’t go all out like this. Calum is about to respond, but before he could speak, Luke shouts, “Grab your cups, lads and non-initiated lad, (Y/N)! Time to drink! Cocktail chats, let’s do this!”

Calum sees Ashton add a paper umbrella and slice of pineapple to two vibrant colored drinks that you’re holding. He sighs before taking the glass from you. “You know you don’t have to drink? Like we, I mean the boys and I, are just doing this for the fans yknow? I’m sure there’s water somewhere.”

You smile at his concern. “It’s okay. I’m not going to drink much after seeing all that vodka Michael poured in and then Ashton snuck in, so I’m good.”

He chuckles at your distaste. You never really were a big drinker like them. They say the gasoline taste goes away, but it’s not true. Well it’s partial true; however, it takes a whole lot of time, and whole lot of other alcohol and maybe something non-alcoholic before the gross liquid becomes semi-palatable. 

You don’t know what song on the album they’re at after your fifth drink, so much for not drinking huh. You just know makeshift cocktail in your hand tastes good. You were weary at the start, but once you tasted it, you didn’t seem to mind. Michael even admit that it was actually two parts fruit punch and one part vodka, because they knew they shouldn’t get too hammered while filming. Still, the amount you’ve consumed is far less compared to the boys drank so far.

Noticing a bright glow on your face, Calum approaches you with languid, yet flimsy steps. He nudges your shoulder and you quickly hide your phone in your butt pocket. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just a little tired, yknow?” you reveal. Your eyes search around the room and you quickly ask, “Do you know where the bathroom is?”

Calum pauses, “I think it’s down that hall and first door on your left. It’s one of the two doors over there if I’m wrong.”

As you venture to the hallway, you hear Calum scold himself. Fuckin’ idiot why didn’t you walk her there?

One of the consequences of alcohol: you have to pee so fucking much. It’s worse than water, because you have to pee like every twenty minutes. You get bloated when you drink too much and god, you hate drinking. You swear you’re done drinking after you wash your hands, but are soon mistaken when Ashton forces two drinks in your hands once you exit. Luke spews nonsense into your ear when you reach the back wall as Calum gets ready to film his part for the song. Luke starts, “You know this was supposed to be band mates exclusive only.” You raise your eyebrows with slight interest at Luke as he rambles. “But we have a soft spot for you.” You give Luke a soft smile to show you’re listening and place the two drinks Ashton gave to you on the side table. You’re an earshot away when Luke mutters “especially Calum,” but you only hear a mumble about Calum and nothing else until Luke’s little spur is interrupted by Ashton yelling at him to grab another drink before he films the next shot. Luke mutters a quick apology before throwing his and another phone into your hands. It’s Calum’s because you see the rocket sticker you put on his case after you bought a batch of 100 stickers off the internet for cheap. His phone goes off from a text and you see that his background is the picture Ashton sent two months ago, the one where you and Calum are snuggled together on his sofa. Your heart flutters at the sight. He’s so loving, so gentle, so kind.

Calum’s voice echoes in the living room and you look up from your spot. He’s trying to explain something, but he’s so giggly that he can’t finish his story properly. It comes in short takes. You slowly sip on your drink as you watch him talk to joyfully about the new music he’s about to release.

“Let me tell you how it went down,” he starts, “they come into our room and we’re like --” He notices you watching and absentmindedly voices his thoughts, “Oh wassup baby?” He shakes his head with a smile. “Don’t put that in,” he laughs. “They come into our room and --”

Everything Calum said after came as white noise. You saw him directly look at you when he said that line. ‘Oh wassup baby?’ And the picture on his lockscreen? You feel as time has slowed and your main focus on Calum transforms into the ikea date again. You’re imagining what it’s like to hold his hand, what it’s like to kiss his cheeks without it being a problem, without Calum’s teasing, what it’s like to fall asleep in his arms and not worry whether you did something disgraceful. Your heart soars at the thought of being in a relationship with him. It’d be wonderful, such a beautiful, wonderful thing.

It’s been an hour and a half since the filming stopped and you’re just lazing on the patio chair admiring the view from Ashton’s house. You hear the screen door open, but don’t bother to check who it is. You assume it’s Calum. “Hey (Y/N), we’re all heading out, but I don’t trust myself with driving so is it cool if we crash here?” You nod at his words, not really listening to what he’s saying. “There’s only two spare rooms and Luke and Michael took the one with two beds so, um, do you wanna share? Or do you want to sleep by yourself? Or-” You continue nodding but not really paying attention. “(Y/N). Hey (Y/N).” His fingers snaps. “Do you want to share a room and sleep?” You stopped nodding when your brain registered ‘room’ and ‘sleep.’

You respond weakly, “Okay, yeah. Let’s go.”

You blink and you’re being lifted in the air. You squeal in Calum’s arms. He chuckles loudly at your antics. “Can’t have my best girl walking in a place she’s never been to. Come on, let me carry you.”

You just plugged in your phone by the time Calum exits the bathroom after showering. You hear his breath hitch when he enters the room. You scrunch your eyebrows. “What do I have something on my face? Oh my god, is there a spider?” Calum quickly shakes his head. “Then why’re you looking at my like that?”

“Like what?” he asks.

“I don’t know. You’re just - ugh,” you groan. “Like that!” You point to his face.

“(Y/N), I swear I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Calum quickly answers.

“Like, like all soft and puppy like. Do you wanna kiss me or somethin’?”

Calum chews on his cheek trying to muffle a laugh, but in his head, it’s going a mile a minute with all his thoughts processing. Do you know about his crush? Did someone tell you? Was it Ashton? No, was it Luke? Calum saw you with him after you used the restroom. Fuck. “Me? Want to kiss you? That’s gross. We’re friends for gods sake. Me wanting to kiss you that’s like, that’s like --”

You unleash a frustrated sigh when you heard ‘gross’ and ‘friends.’ You mutter to yourself, “Wish I could see you as the friend you see me as.”

Calum’s eyebrows furrow. He’s pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to hear that and he’s too nervous to say anything about it.

You get up from your spot and search for extra pillows and blankets. You announce, “I think I’m gonna sleep on the couch.”

Calum is confused. You two have done this before. Maybe not on a bed, but you’ve fallen asleep next to each other. You’ve woken in each other’s arms before and every time you do, it’s pure bliss, to wake up in the confines of someone’s warm embrace, to feel their heartbeat, to watch them gain clarity from a drowsy gaze, to see their sleepy smile. It’s a lovely thing to sleep beside someone.

Calum scurries when he sees you’ve finally found the blankets. He rushes, “Wait, don’t leave. I need to tell you something.”

Your eyebrows raise. “Really? Can’t it wait til tomorrow?”

He can tell you’re drawing a veil over yourself again. Whenever you get uncomfortable, you always pull a disappearing act. You get scared. You panic. Then you flee. That’s how it always goes, but he can’t have you vanish even the slightest when he’s this close, when he has hope that the feelings he has are being reciprocated. He knew that eventually he would answer to his feelings, but he didn’t expect it to come now. The call came too soon and it wasn’t him waiting. It was you on the line.

He rushes, “Yeah. It’s about that one person I told you about a couple months ago. I have updates.”

Calum pats the side of the bed, offering you a seat. Instead of sitting, you lean against the closed bedroom door in front of him. You’re too nervous that if you sit, you might not be able to stand after and free yourself from him. You need to put a distance. You need to put up your guard. You shrug your shoulders as a sign for him to continue with his story.

He licks his lips. His mind is working overdrive trying to say the right words. He can’t articulate things like this on the spot. He stares at the ground trying to formulate coherent sentences. “Um so yeah, they’re a good friend of mine.” You roll your eyes at him. You knew that already. “And they’re just so good to me, yknow? They always have my foods stocked up in their cupboard, which is really sweet. Um I held their hand a few weeks ago and they have really soft hands. Also, they gave me a spare to their place, so I stay over a lot. And god, they always fall asleep on me when I come over to theirs and it’s really refreshing waking up with someone just there, yknow? Like you know how we tend to fall asleep on the couch during movie nights? It’s like that. And god, it feels so great to like your best friend and know they like you back.”

That last line was a bit cheeky, but he can’t help himself when you’ve given him hope.

You, on the other hand, feel your body shut down. The happiness and joy exuded out of Calum and you couldn’t stand it. All hopes of kindling a romance with him is gone. It’s wrong of you to be jealous of Calum’s love life going well, while yours is clearly sinking. You fear that you could be getting replaced and left for nothing. You felt like you were in the ocean again, but this time you could look back. When your body pivoted in the water, you saw no one on the shore calling for you and that’s when you knew you were done for. It was a mistake, but you were already too deep. Your emotions and feelings were smothering you. The water became too chaotic for you to withstand and you’ve never been a good swimmer to begin with. Your chest is starting to hurt because you can’t breathe with all the water surging at you. You feel a tear leak from the corner of your eye but you pretend it didn’t fall in hopes that Calum didn’t see. You somehow muster enough air and fake a smile. “That’s great Calum! When do I get to meet the lucky person?”

Calum parades an awkward smile now. “That’s the funny part.” He scratches the back of his neck, still looking at the ground. “You kind of know them.” 

Now you’re confused. You don’t remember meeting any new friends of Calum’s.

Calum gets up from his spot and grabs his phone. “Hear I’ll show you a picture of me and them together.”

Calum hands you his phone and you stare at his lockscreen. 

Tears build in your eyes, but they aren’t strong enough withstand the storm in you so they begin to crumble and fall. You don’t know what to say. When you look up to Calum, he sends you a gentle smile. He wipes the loose tears, while his doe eyes shine brightly with the adoration he has for you.

“It’s you. It’s always been you.”

a/n - thank u for reading :-) feedback is always appreciated !!