#(film club is like three years old so yea we wanted to try doing it last year but we ended just not doing it)

[spyderschaos]

Man who put me up to doing things I’ve never done before

[drabbles-mc]

Language

Neron ‘Creeper’ Vargas x F!Reader

@redpoodlern requested more Dad!Creeper and honestly I was more than happy to deliver on that haha. And thank you to @garbinge for always helping me pull together all of my ideas!

Warnings: language, mentions of alcohol, Creeper being a big ol’ softie with his kiddos

Word Count: 3k

A/N: This definitely takes place in the same universe as Like Father, Like Son because I’m a big fan of the family dynamic that I was sort of starting to build there. If no one has any objections that’s probably going to be my default HC for my future Dad!Creeper fics unless stated otherwise haha. I just love the idea of him with a pack of kids.

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The kids had one week off from school. One week. Seven days. Technically only five if you weren’t counting the weekend. You didn’t want to take the entire week off of work when you would be out on maternity leave in a couple more months, and as much as Creeper wanted you to be taking it easy, he said that if you really wanted save your time off for your leave, he would gladly keep the kids with him for the week.

“You and the guys can’t be doing,” you glanced around to make sure the kids weren’t in the room, “You and the guys can’t be doing serious club shit while they’re there, okay?” you knew that Creeper was always careful, but you also knew that some of the other men in the MC with him weren’t quite as cautious.

“Never, mama,” he leaned in and kissed your cheek, “Don’t worry. We’ll hold it down. It’s been a while since they got some time with their uncles, anyway.”

“Alright,” you nodded, taking a deep breath, “Go round up the gremlins, then,” you laughed, “They should each have their backpack with stuff in it.”

“Givin’ ‘em homework on their week off?” he chuckled.

You shook your head, “No, no. Just stuff to do if they get bored at the clubhouse. Coloring books, matchbox cars, whatever else they can fit in there.”

“Pfft,” he shook his head, “like we’ll ever let them get bored,” he let out a whistle, “Let’s go, homies! Time to roll out.”

Their footsteps thundered through the house as all three if them came booking it down the hall, each with their backpacks either on their shoulders or dangling from their hands. Both you and Creeper laughed at how excited they were to spend some time with their dad and their entire squad of uncles at the clubhouse.

“Which car you taking, baby?” you asked him.

“Just figured I’d take the van. It’s got all their stuff in it already.”

You smiled, nodding as you grabbed the keys off the counter and tossed them to him, “Alright, no doing donuts with it.”

He chuckled, “If they ask I won’t be able to tell them no,” he was about to say something else when his phone started going off in the pocket of his kutte. He reached and took it out, brows furrowing slightly as he answered, “Yea? Yea I’m about to head out. We’ll talk about it when I get there,” he shook his head slightly, “Alright yea,” with a huff he hung up the phone.

“All good?” you arched one eyebrow.

He nodded, “Yea. They act like I’m not gonna see them in twenty minutes. What the fuck is that important that it can’t wait?”

You shot him a glare, “Neron! Language, please.”

“Shit, sorry.”

You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose.

He smiled sheepishly, stepping in close to give you a kiss, “I’m sorry, I love you, and I’ll call you later, mama.”

“Mhm,” you laughed as you playfully shoved him towards the door, “Tell the kids they gotta keep your boys in line.”

“They don’t even need me to tell ‘em.”

Very few things rivaled the excitement that the guys felt when they saw the minivan rolling into the scrapyard. Seconds after Creeper threw the van in park, all of the kids came sprinting out. His son leapt out of the passenger seat as his little sisters came tumbling out the back. It was quite the scene watching them walk up with their father, looking like quite the entourage all together.

“Wifey let you take the real whip today, huh?” Angel said with a laugh as he pulled Creeper into a hug.

He chuckled, “Anything for the wolfpack,” Creeper watched as his kids made their rounds to say hi and hug each of the men that were outside the clubhouse waiting for them to arrive.

Angel looked over at the minivan, “Still can’t believe she let you put those fuckin’ stickers on there, bro,” he laughed.

“Yo,” he smacked Angel in the chest, “No swearin’ in front of the kids,” he paused, “What do you got against the stickers? I think they’re cool.”

“Guess I just never thought that your soccer mom van needed fake bullet holes.”

“That’s what keeps it from being a soccer mom van,” he tapped the side of his head with a knowing look, like he had cracked some sort of code.

“Right,” Angel laughed and shook his head before turning his attention to the kids, “Brandon! Get over here! Let’s see if you’re taller than me yet, dude.”

Creeper turned and saw that the twins were already trying to take Hank down to the ground—a goal that they’d had ever since they were little toddlers. Every time they saw him, they got closer and closer to being successful but they weren’t quite there yet. He had one hanging off of each arm as he tried to walk across the yard without falling over onto them. Creeper laughed as he watched the shenanigans unfold, and they’d only been there for about two minutes.

“Alex! Ava!” he shook his head slightly with a smile, “Give Uncle Hank a break, alright? The man has work to do.”

“They’ll be taking him to the ground soon enough, man,” EZ laughed as he let Hank struggle with the two little girls.

“Make sure you’re filming it,” Creeper responded with a laugh as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“How’s Y/N?” EZ asked.

“Pregnant,” he looked over at EZ and laughed, “Nah she’s good. Working this week, so we got some extra help around here.”

“She’s still working?”

He nodded, “Oh yea. She’ll work till the baby pops outta her,” he shook his head, “I don’t know how she fu—” he caught himself, “I got no clue how she does it, man.”

“Pregnancy one of those things you get better at the more you do it?”

He laughed, “Why don’t you ask her next time you see her?”

“Hard pass,” he shook his head, laughing.

Creeper was glad that he had an entire team of guys to help him try to tire them all out, because it wasn’t an easy task in the slightest. At one point he was fairly certain that he lost them in the depths of the scrapyard and when he did finally find them, they were running around and playing hide and seek where all the scrapped cars were kept. The only thing that kept him from having a heart attack at the sight of it was knowing that none of the cars had any glass left in them that the kids could cut themselves on. But the three of them had easily turned the scrapyard into their kingdom.

“C’mon, lunch time,” he called out to them and they all hesitated, not quite ready to give up the game. Creeper sighed, “Chucky made lunch for you guys.”

That was all it took. Their eyes lit up and the girls almost pushed their brother to the ground in an attempt to beat him back to the clubhouse. Creeper shook his head as he followed them, egging them all on.

“C’mon, B-Dawg, use those legs!” he called after his son with a laugh.

“Knees to chest, Brandon!” Angel joined in as he watched the three of them race up the steps of the clubhouse.

Soon enough, the three of them were all sat at one of the tables inside the clubhouse. Chucky beamed at them, “The Vargas Trio,” he brought their plates over, “I hear you’re keeping us company for the week.”

“Dad said we get to come every day,” Ava said as she shoveled a spoonful of food into her mouth.

“Eat first, then talk, lil mama,” Creeper chastised her with a small smile as he shook his head.

Creeper sat at the table with them, casually drinking his beer as he watched the three of them tuck into the lunch that Chucky had made for them. He knew that Chucky loved when the kids were around—he became the ultimate chef and babysitter once those kids set foot on the property. There wasn’t a single thing that he wouldn’t do for those kids and Creeper could tell just by the way that Chucky seemed so at peace as he watched them sitting around the table together.

“What d’you guys say?” he asked them as he nodded towards Chucky.

“Thank you, Uncle Chucky,” they all said in unison.

The warmest of smiles spread across Chucky’s face as he nodded, “The pleasure is all mine.”

By late in the afternoon, the kids were finally starting to run out of steam. The girls were sprawled out on the floor of the clubhouse, art supplies strewn everywhere as they worked through entire sketchbooks’ worth of paper with Chucky. Brandon had been lurking at a safe distance as he watched some of the guys work in the scrapyard. The idea of breaking things apart was intriguing for many reasons to an eight-year-old boy, but he always listened if one of the men said to back up or not touch something. Every now and then, though, Creeper would let him take a crack at something with the hammer and the excitement on his son’s face was contagious.

The two of them walked back into the clubhouse to get a couple water bottles for themselves and the rest of the guys outside. Creeper was behind the bar, handing them over to his son while also trying to get a good look at what Alex and Ava were up to with Chucky. He smiled at the way the three of them seemed to exist so peacefully together. He hoped that the twins would always get along as well as they seemed to so far.

There was the quiet snapping sound of a pencil point breaking, followed by Alex tossing it to the side and huffing, “Fuck that.”

The entire clubhouse fell silent. Creeper’s eyes went wide as his jaw dropped slightly and Chucky looked over to him, trying to figure out what he was supposed to say or do. Creeper set one last water bottle down on the surface of the bar before addressing the issue.

“Alex? You good, babygirl?”

“It’s like the bazillionth time my pencil has broken.”

He wanted to be amused but he knew that you’d kill him for not talking about the whole language issue, “Alright. I hear you. But…but you can’t be talkin’ like that. Where’d you even hear that, anyway?”

“You,” all three of his kids replied in unison.

He exhaled sharply through his nose as he pressed his lips together into a thin line, trying to figure out what the right way to go about this was, “Look,” he waved for his son to follow him as he walked over to his daughters, “You can’t be talkin’ like that, okay? Those are grownup words. Whatever you do,” he rested his hand on her shoulder gently, “Don’t say that in front of Mommy,” he looked amongst the three of them, “And if it slips, you tell her that Uncle Angel taught you that, alright?” they all nodded and he let out a tiny sigh of relief, “Good. Okay.”

That was the last thing he said about it as he nudged Brandon’s shoulder and they went back to collect up the water bottles and bring them outside. The girls went back to their drawings and Chucky decided that there was nothing left to do but follow suit.

“Uncle Chucky?” Alex asked without looking up from her paper.

“Yes, my dear?”

“Why don’t you talk like they do?” she continued to fill in the cartoon coloring page, “Daddy says they’re grownup words but I never hear you saying them.”

“Speaking like a grownup doesn’t interest me in the slightest,” he smiled at her before returning to his own paper.

It was a week filled with antics. The clubhouse was covered in coloring pages of every cartoon and Disney character you could possibly think of. All of the guys had gotten their nails painted by the twins at least once. Brandon got his own Romero Brothers work-shirt and now he never wanted to take it off. Every single member of the MC was tired in a way they never remembered being tired before. Nap time was something that everyone partook in, even the adults, because they all needed the rest.

You took a half day on Friday so you could spend some time with all of them at the clubhouse. You liked seeing the kids running around having a good time with the guys, and truthfully you missed the nights you’d stay late with Creeper there. Late-night partying hadn’t been something the two of you had done in a long time, but none of that compared to the sense of joy you felt as you heard your daughters very intensely explaining the entire plot of both Frozen movies to EZ, who sat and nodded along, a very serious look on his face.

You smiled, making your rounds to say hello to the guys before you made your way over to Creeper who was sitting at the bar. He smiled, standing up to place a kiss to your lips and then to your belly before offering you his seat. You took it without hesitation, always happy to be off your feet for a few minutes.

“How’s the week been?” you asked as you glanced around the clubhouse.

He nodded, “Good. The guys will be sleeping for a week straight once the kids go back to school,” he laughed.

You smiled, nodding, “I bet.”

“It’s been nice having them here. Keeps things from getting to serious.”

“Yea,” you chuckled, “I’d imagine that it’s a bit harder to have a serious argument when all of your tables are covered in drawings of Olaf and Moana, and everyone’s nails are painted hot pink.”

“I kinda like it,” he held his hand out for you to inspect, “But I think purple is more my color.”

You laugh, nodding, “Oh, for sure, baby.”

The two of you were chatting when all of a sudden you heard a series of thuds, followed by Ava softly, but very clearly, saying, “Fuck,” as she rubbed her skinned knee.

You looked over at your husband, staring daggers, “Neron, I swear to god if—”

“It wasn’t me, mama, I swear,” he held his hands up in surrender.

With a sigh you rose up from the stool and made your way over to your daughter. You looked at her knee—it was scraped but it wasn’t bleeding. She also wasn’t crying which was a good sign. You asked if she was alright and when she said yes, you asked your follow-up question, “Where’d you hear that word, sweetie? Because those aren’t words that you should be using.”

Creeper held his breath as he waited for her to respond. Ava looked at you, and with no hesitation she responded, “Uncle Angel.”

You whipped your head to look at the biker in question. His eyes were as wide as you’d ever seen them. He tried to sputter out a denial, some kind of defense, but he couldn’t string the words together. He couldn’t believe that he’d just been thrown under the bus like that, especially by the girl who not even an hour beforehand said that he was her favorite uncle.

Calmly, you rose to your feet and smoothed out your dress. Creeper recognized the look in your eye and he knew that Angel was in for it. He felt bad, but not bad enough to step in and tell you the truth of the matter. It was a little deal in the grand scheme of things, really.

“Baby,” Creeper called after you, “Baby I can handle—”

“It’s fine, Neron,” your tone was dangerously even, “I just wanna talk to Uncle Angel for a minute.”

He knew that that meant you did not want to talk, “Mama, really—”

“Bring the kids outside, please. We gotta start heading home anyway.”

At that point he knew that he wasn’t going to convince you. He scooped Alex in one arm and Ava in the other, “Alright, let’s go, babygirls,” he nudged Brandon gently towards the door, “C’mon, lil homie, let’s pack the car up.”

Once the clubhouse door shut behind them, you turned your full attention to Angel. You picked up a stray coloring book and rolled it the same way you would a newspaper, and smacked him with it, “Angel Reyes!”

“Ah,” he held his arms to block your swings, “Y/N, hear me out!”

“You will not,” you smacked him again, “be teaching my six-year-olds how to cuss,” you hit him with the book once more for good measure, “Got it? Pregnant or not I will beat your ass.”

He held his hands up in surrender, “Okay, okay. Sorry, querida. Didn’t realize that they picked things up so quick.”

You pointed the rolled up coloring book at him accusingly, “Better start realizing it.”

“Yes ma’am,” he nodded.

You looked at him for a few seconds before giving a nod of approval and dropping the book back onto the table, “Good. Alright then,” you stood on your tip-toes and kissed him on the cheek, “Glad we’re on the same page. I love you.”

“Love you too,” he shook his head slightly as he followed you out of the clubhouse.

He said goodbye to the three kids as they piled into the minivan before pulling Creeper to the side, “Why’d Ava snitch on me like that, bro?”

Creeper chuckled nervously, running his hand over his head, “About that. I…I might’ve told them to blame you if they slipped up in front of their mom.”

“What the fuck, Creep?”

“What? You tellin’ me you wouldn’t do the same shit?”

He paused for a moment before laughing, “Yea, probably. But still,” he gave him a light shove, “Messed up turning my own nieces and nephew against me like that.”

“Technically just turning their mom against you a little bit,” he chuckled.

“I feel like that’s worse.”

“It’s definitely worse,” Creeper clapped him on the shoulder, “Well. Better get ready. Next vacation is gonna be for the whole summer.”

Angel laughed as he hugged Creeper, “Can’t wait.”

[oscar-lettjohanssonloveme]

Stop Running (Cordelia x Wilhemina x fem!reader x Ally)

idk what we got here, but its reeeeeeally long and made with google translate..so excuse me

summary: you have to meet the son of your girlfriends and he reminds you of ur dead brother and all the memories of ur childhood come back

warnings: suicide, depression, scars, child abuse..

Being in a relationship with 3 women at the same time was probably something like the jackpot. Before, you didn't even think you'd get one and now you had 3.

You still remembered the night these three women came into the club where you worked as a waitress. In the beginning it was just little things like saying 'please' and 'thank you' when you brought them something. Most of the people who came to this club got drunk too quickly to be polite.

Then they started asking you questions.

“What's your name?”

“How is it possible that a pretty girl like you works in a club like this?” (a question that made you blush)

“How can we get your attention?”

And at one point you gave a shit about your work and sat with them for the rest of the night. And at dawn they took you to their bed with them. You were the only sober person that evening, but the next morning none of the 3 were surprised or angry about your presence.

It had developed into a frequency, every Friday night they'd come to the club only to leave with you at the end of the night. And at some point it became more.

The trio had piqued your interest since the first night, which was probably because there were three of them and later you wanted to know everything about them. You found out that Ally was widowed with a son, that Wilhemina had her cane with scoliosis and that she had a secret fetish for the Victorian era, and that Cordelia was the headmistress of a witch's school, they all lived in.

And at some point you had to find out that you were in love with all three at once.

You loved Mina's severity and how proud she walked despite her scoliosis. No one had ever walked so gracefully with a cane, you were sure of that.

You loved seeing how gentle and balanced Delia was with everyone.

And you loved Ally when she explained the world to you and was the smartest person in the room.

The problem was that you were too scared. These women had known each other for a number of years and you had only known them for a few weeks. How many times have you wondered if you were just a distraction for her bedroom?

You were ashamed of this question and started avoiding contact with them. But when they confronted you, you finally revealed your feelings to them.

They weren't angry, on the contrary, they started laughing.

———————————

"We thought you knew that we love you too and were now afraid that you would avoid us because of that .." said Delia.

"Oh .." you mumbled confused.

"We're sorry we never made it official .." Ally said, putting a hand on your knee. "We thought it was obvious .."

-----------------------

And now you've finally been living with them for a week. You almost lived with them anyway. You knew the big building of the academy almost by heart, Delia's girls knew and liked you, and most of the time you spent in the trio's rooms instead of your own little apartment.

There was a little problem though: Oz, Ally's son.

Ally had decided it would be better if you didn't meet him until you officially lived with them. It wasn't up to you, but the circumstances were very complicated. If one mother died and you had two new ones, you didn't need a third.

The night you found out about Oz's existence, Ally had also told you the story of the Cult and how she killed Ivy.

—

"I want there to be no secrets between us. And I'm not proud of what I did, but it's part of me now .." she had said.

"We have all done things that we are not proud of .." was your reply.

—

The three of them tried to prepare Oz for you as best they could, which wasn't difficult because Oz wasn't a complicated kid. And you had been confident, because actually you got on well with children.

"Oz is in his room .." Ally said as she walked into your living room. She grabbed your hands to pull you up from the sofa before kissing you on the cheek.

Both of you were at home alone at the moment, as Delia and Mina were working afterwards.

You gave her a warm smile and together you went to the boy's room. Ally knocked on the door briefly before opening it. Her hand never left yours. A blond boy was sitting on the bed reading a comic. "Oz, this is Y / N .. I told you about her .." Ally said. The boy, Oz, raised his head and looked straight at you. Your breath caught at the sight of him.

He looks like Leo, was your first thought.

This little boy looked just like your little brother had looked that age. You got dizzy. All that you repressed in the last few years suddenly all shot back into your memory. Your abusive father, who hobbled on a stick because of his broken leg and didn't fail to punish Leo or you for anything senseless. Your alcoholic mother who drowned her frustration in alcohol and was never there when you needed her. And Leo, your Leo that you loved so much. How many times did you want to run away and stay because of him? Then this picture shot in your head, you were 17 at the time and he was 15. One day you came home and his dead body had tumbled from the ceiling by his belt. He couldn't take it anymore and you hated yourself so much that you didn't notice.

"Honey?" Ally's voice brought you back to the present. You looked away from Oz, who was now looking at you in confusion, and fixed your gaze on Ally. "I thought it would be better if I gave you some time alone .." she whispered.

"Sure ..", you nodded slowly.

She smiled and squeezed your hand. "Good .." was the last thing she said before leaving the room.

You stood lost in the boy's room, who by now was fixated on his comic again, and didn't know what to do. You wanted to run after Ally, bury you in her arms and start crying. But you knew that it probably wouldn't go down too well with Oz, so you just paused.

"She's happy again .." Oz suddenly said without looking up from his comic.

"Excuse me, what?"

"I mean mom .. she laughs a lot more .."

"Didn't she do that before?", You were confused.

"Yea .. but it always seemed so forced .. When Delia and Mina started to meet her, she felt like shit and she had to get back to normal, she was somehow sick or something like that .. I think she is happy to have someone who didn't see her as this wreck and that's why she's happy .. "

You didn't answer what he said because you couldn't judge it.

So it takes three women to replace one .. you thought and immediately hated yourself for it.

"What are you reading?" You walked slowly to the bed and sat down next to Oz.

"Avengers .." he muttered.

Inside you were relieved, at least something you knew.

"And do you like it?", You looked into the book and began to read along. "It's cool .." he said curtly and read on.

"That's Civil War .." you stated after two minutes. Confused, he looked at you sideways. "You know it?" "Of course.." He nodded shortly before looking back into the book. "Are you Team Cap or Team Iron Man?" You asked. "Although I like Iron Man more, Team Cap .. The way Shield is fighting him here sucks," Oz said and you nodded. You noticed the Iron Man movie poster hanging on his closet. "Have you seen the films?" "Nope .." he shook his head. "Mom won't let me .." "How old are you?" "11 .." "Okay well .. maybe I can talk your mom and we can watch her together .." you said.

"Are you serious? ..", he looked at you skeptically. "Yes .." you nodded. "I mean it's her choice, but I don't think the films are that dangerous you can't watch them .." "That would be cool .." he muttered, staring at the Iron Man poster.

--------------------------

"How about Oz, Y / N?" Asked Mina, who was sitting across from you. You looked up from your meal.

"Good .." you mumbled briefly

"Good ..?" She repeated before taking another sip of her red wine. Her eyes were still attached to yours.

"Yes ... I think I'll be able to make friends with him .." you added when you noticed that your answer was a bit short.

It was 10 p.m. and the four of you hadn't eaten with the other girls and Oz as usual, but only did it now because Mina had come home so late. And you had been noticeably quiet, still thinking about your Leo.

Ally put a hand on your knee under the table as she always did to calm you down. "You seemed very ..", she searched for words. "impressed? I don't know .."

"Uhm yes .. I was a little bit overstrained ..", you tried to smile at her, but you could still feel Mina's penetrating look. Like she's trying to look inside your head.

Cordelia, realizing the tense mood, let out a laugh.

"Overstrained would also fit our attitude when we met him for the first time ..", she said and threw a loving look at Mina.

"yeah?" You asked confused, because Cordelia always got on well with everyone.

"Oh yes .." she continued. "Ally had also left us alone with him and we didn't even know what to do .. I think it is already difficult for a child to accept one new person in the mother's life and then two ... it was all a little bit complicated.."

"And what did you do then?"

"We ended up playing Monopoly .." she said with a grin. You started to laugh. "Monopoly?" "Yes and in the end Mina was angry because she had lost .." You looked at Mina, who blushed. "Those were the wrong rules we were playing with .." she muttered. "You're just a bad loser, honey .." Cordelia said, still grinning.

Smiling you looked back and forth between the women. "So are you all right?" Ally asked again, drawing your attention back to herself. You nodded quickly. "yes, it's all good. Oz is great .. so he told me that you wouldn't let him watch the Marvel films .. they really aren't that bad, I think it's okay .."

"You think so?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Jesus Ally, don't feel criticized right away..I just mean that I could imagine watching them with him..you know, then this thing with befriending him might work better ..", you said and started playing with your fingers

Her eyes relaxed at your words. "I think that's no problem .."

------------------------------------

The next day you lay on the sofa, tired, trying to get some sleep. At night it was impossible: every time you closed your eyes, you saw the picture of the dead Leo in front of your eyes.

Ally was sitting at the end of the sofa with your legs in her lap, her fingers running over them, while she was reading an article on her cell phone.

An approaching knock made you flinch and your body stiffened, which Ally didn't go unnoticed. This is your father, you startled for a moment.

"Don't worry, Princess .. outside of the bedroom, Mina's walking stick is no danger for you .." Ally said to you and laughed.

She might found it funny, but her words made you scared, not that you wouldn't be interested in this type of sex ... But the thought of Mina hitting you with her stick made you feel uncomfortable.

"Oz is looking for you Y / N ..", Mina said as she entered the room and saw Ally and you on the sofa. You nodded briefly and jumped up to go to the boy. "Thanks Mina .." was the last thing you muttered before you left the room.

Oz was in his room, as expected. You knocked just before you entered. He was sitting at his desk doing homework.

"Mina said you'd look for me .." you said and stepped up to him. "Are we watching Iron Man today?" He asked without looking up from his duties. "Today?", You were surprised. Ally had given Oz permission to watch the movies with you at breakfast, but you didn't expect to start today. "Yup.." "uhm...Sure" "Cool ..", he raised his head and grinned crookedly. Leo shot through your head. "See you later Y / N .." "See you then," you mumbled and left his room.

A few hours later you were sitting next to Ally's son on the sofa and tried to concentrate on the film. Oz sat next to you, focused on the film and just made a few comments.

The whole evening was relatively relaxed until Oz put his head on your shoulder and immediately you were a 13 year old girl again and next to you was not your lover's son, but your 10 year old brother Leo. You weren't in the living room either. You sat crouched at the end of your bed, Leo next to you, his head on your shoulder. The TV had turned into a door that you and Leo are now staring at, concentrating on the voices behind it. It was your father fighting with your mother. Your heartbeat quickened immediately. You could hear his footsteps as he hobbled his stick down the hall. It became harder to breathe when you saw the doorknob move down and-

"It works better than I expected.." Ally's voice whispered and you were immediately back in the living room.

"Is everything okay?" She asked confused when she saw your distraught look. You nodded slowly. "Yes-", you stuttered. "I'm just a little surprised, I thought it would be more complicated to make friends with Leo .." "Leo?", Ally sat down on the sofa and pulled her sleeping son into her lap. "Oz ..." you corrected yourself quickly. "I have no idea how I come up with Leo .. in the film someone was called that .." "You're shaking Y / N .." Ally remarked and saw you concerned at. "I'm sorry," you looked down at your trembling hands. "I'm just very nervous about Oz I think .."

Ally smiled. "You don't have to .. you're doing great .."

------------------- -----------

The next morning the 4 of you, Oz and the other girls were having breakfast together.

"That was cool last night, Y / N .." Oz said suddenly and your attention was on him.

"I think so too ..", you smiled gently at him.

"What I can think of .." Ally remarked. "I have a meeting tonight and Mina has to work late ... so you'll be alone with Oz ..." She looked back and forth between you and Cordelia. "I'm out .." Delia said and sipped her coffee. "Misty and I are going to the greenhouse tonight .." "Oz and I can come with you..I am sure that Oz-" "Misty and I want to be there alone, Y / N .." Cordelia shot you an apologetic look.

"Oh okay ..", you looked carefully at Oz, who was too busy with his food to catch anything in your conversation. "That's not a problem for you, is it?" Ally asked. You shook your head quickly. "No.."

So the subject was off the table and Mina's eyes stabbed your skin again. Although she hadn't said anything, she was probably the one who felt your discomfort the most.

In the evening you and Oz had dinner alone and at first everything went well, you talked about the movie from the previous evening over dinner and you didn't have to think about Leo at all.

"okay .." you started and stood up. "I'll tidy up the kitchen and that's when you finish your homework .." Oz grinned. "Whoever finishes first .." he said and ran out of the room. You had to smile when you started washing the dishes. 10 minutes later Oz walked slowly into the room and you immediately noticed that something was wrong.

"What's up?" You frowned. Oz without a word took out his soccer ball and a few broken pieces from behind his back. "What's that?" You asked calmly.

"I finished my homework and was playing with the ball in the living room. The ball hit Delia's vase and it fell from the cupboard .." he whispered and looked at the broken pieces in his hand.

You stared at him and saw Leo again and wondered what your dad would have done to him now. Tears stung your eyes. "I can't do this anymore .." you sobbed and buried your face in your hands.

Oz looked up at you with wide eyes. "I'm really sorry, Y / N! It wasn't on purpose ... I-"

"Oz no-" you said quickly and crouched down to look at him directly. "I'm not mad at you .. You know, I'm even glad that the thing is broken .. To be honest, I found the vase totally hideous .." "Really?" He asked skeptically. You nodded and tried to smile. "Are you hurt?" "No .." he shook his head.

"Well ... let's clean up the mess now and please don't play with the ball in the house anymore."

---------------------------

"Something is wrong with Y / N .." you heard Ally say to Cordelia the next evening.

You actually wanted to go to them in the living room, but when you heard your name, you couldn't help but stop to hear what they said about you.

"What do you mean?" You heard Delia ask. Ally seemed to think twice about what to say. "Oz told me last night that she started crying when he told her, the vase was broken .." she finally said.

Fuck. You closed your eyes

"I would probably have cried too, I liked the vase .." joked Cordelia. Ally groaned. "That's not funny Delia .. When I walked into the living room the day before, when Oz and Y / N were watching this movie, she also looked totally scared. She was shaking and looked like she was going to cry any moment .." she said.

Delia hummed thoughtfully. "Did you ask her about it?" "She said she was so nervous about Oz, but I don't believe her .. I guess-"

"What are you doing here in the dark, princess?" Mina's lips to your ear made you jump.

"Jesus, Mina .." you cursed and turned to your girlfriend. You could see her grinning in the moonlight that shone in through the hall window. "I didn't hear you coming .."

"If you can't even hear me coming, then you must have been really distracted .." she said, sounding somehow sad. "Let's go in. Unless you want to keep staring at the door here ..", she reached past you to open the door. You gave way and pointed into the room. "Age before beauty .." you just said and made her laugh before she entered the room in front of you.

The previous conversation between Ally and Delia never seemed to have taken place because they both just sat there, Delia read a book and Ally scrolled through her cell phone.

--------------------------

"Happy Birthday, Princess ..", Cordelia whispered in your ear in the morning and let you wake up. "How do you know that?", You grumbled tired and slowly opened your eyes. Delia sat next to you in the Scross-legged in bed. "I am the supreme, i know everything ..", she said smugly and let you snort in annoyance. "Of course you do .." you mumbled and sat up. "Where are Mina and Ally?"

"At work? Honey, it's 11 am .." Cordelia laughed. "And what are you still doing here?" You asked confused. "Can't I spend time with my girlfriend when it's her birthday?" She smiled sweetly at you.

"Do the others know ..?"

"Nope ..", she bit her lip. "I kind of felt like you wouldn't like it if we knew ..." "I don't either," you confirmed. "Still, you'll be sad when you find out .." she muttered.

For a moment it was quiet between the two of you and you just stared at each other. And just as you were wondering how Cordelia could look so good, even though she had just woken up too, she leaned over and kissed you.

"mh delia-" you protested against her lips.

"What?", She withdrew disappointed. "I actually wanted to give you your present now ..", she grinned and enjoyed how you blushed at her statement.

"At least let me brush my teeth beforehand .." you mumbled embarrassed and jumped off the bed.

"Hurry up, princess .."

---------------

In the late afternoon you sat across from Mina at the table. Ally was still working and Cordelia had arranged to meet Misty in the greenhouse. Mina was reading the paper in thought, a habit that you found incredibly cute. You yourself were playing some random game on your cell phone when the message tone on your cell phone beeped.

Message from Joanne: "Hello Y / N, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I'm going to your city next week because I have to go to the doctor and wanted to ask if you would like to meet me?

~ Joanne. "

Your heart quickened on the last sentence. Joanne was your mother and wrote you every year for your birthday, you had never even answered one of her messages and now she wanted to see you again after so many years. She would come here and there was nothing you could do against it.

"Y / N ..?"

You raised your eyes to Mina, who was frowning at you.

"You're hyperventilating .." she remarked emotionless.

"I'm just dizzy ...", you gasped and stood up to run into the bathroom, or rather to stumble into the bathroom. You could feel your stomach turn as you leaned over the toilet and vomited into the toilet bowl.

The world around you seemed to be spinning. The closed bathroom door became the door of your nursery, you could even hear the knock on your father's stick. And how he got closer and closer. You tried to scream, but your mouth was only a soft gasp. Tears stung your eyes. "Please .." you tried silently to get air. A hand put on your back and you instantly jumped away from the toilet. "Please don't hurt me ..", you whimpered and looked fearfully into the face of the person in front of you.

Mina stood in front of you in shock, she had never seen you like this before. And the look you gave her broke her heart. "Honey you need to calm down .." She sat carefully on the floor and grimaced as pain ran through her back. Slowly she reached out her hand to touch yours, which was a mistake. Your hand jerked back, you reached out and let your hand fall against her left cheek. "Don't touch me .." you growled. "What the hell Y / N .." Mina hissed, grabbing your cheeks and forcing you to look at her. "It's me, princess, Mina ..", she whispered and felt her own eyes fill with tears. Your eyes widened when you recognized your girlfriend. And with that you finally broke, but Mina was there to pull you into her lap while you cried into her blouse. She held you as tightly as she could while trying to process the things that had just happened. The cheek your hand had marked on it burned like fire and yet it was impossible for her to realize that you had just hit her. It had never been you, she thought. And yet it was you who was lying in her arms right now.

"I'm so sorry .." you sniffed into her blouse when you had slowly calmed down. Mina gently put her hands around your cheeks and searched your face as if it contained any answers for what had just happened. She swallowed just before speaking. "Are you scared of me, Y / N?"

When her words reached your ear, you wrapped your arms around her torso and did your best not to hurt her. You felt so damn guilty.

"I would never hurt you .." she said softly against your ear, her voice thick with tears.

"I know Mina .." you whispered. "And I could never be afraid of you .."

You drew her back before your fingers slided down her right cheek where your hand marked it. "I'm so sorry .." you repeated your words from a few seconds ago.

"I'm fine Y / N", Mina assured us and took your hand. "I'm just worried about you .. I've been watching you for the last few days, you're acting totally strange .."

"I'm okay .." you mumbled and stood up with shaky legs.

"Don't damn me lie to Y / N! ...", she hissed and there she was again, the strict Mina you loved so much.

"Mina .. I'm really fine, you just shouldn't worry .. That's why I would prefer if Ally and Delia didn't find out about what just happened ... "you said as you leaned towards the mirror to fix your hair.

Mina shook her head blankly and propped herself up. "You are unbelievably Y / N .. two minutes ago you were lying here on the floor and now you're pretending nothing happened ... You won't be able to run away forever .. "she said, took her walking stick and walked past you to leave the bathroom.

You had never spoken to anyone about it, nobody knew about what had happened in your family and actually you had sworn to yourself that you would never tell anyone about it. Simply because you felt terrible about it, somewhere Leo's suicide was also your fault because you weren't strong enough to defend him.

You ran into the hallway and saw Mina sitting at the table again. Lost in thought, she looked out the window. "I think I'll go to sleep, I'm relatively tired ..." you said. Mina didn't move an inch. "You probably won't see me again today .." you muttered and went into your bedroom to actually get some sleep.

---------------

A few hours later you woke up from a bad dream.

It was dark and the first thing you noticed was Minas lavender perfume that surrounded you. Then you realized that, despite the events of the previous day, you 4 had taken your usual sleeping position: You and Ally were in the middle. Cordelia on the right edge, next to Ally and Mina on the left edge, next to you. Mina had her arms wrapped tightly around you and your head was on her chest. Like a few hours ago in the bathroom, you noticed.

Are you scared of me, Y/N?

Mina's words echoed in your head. The sad look she gave you made you feel infinite guilt.

"Mina?" You whispered softly against her neck.

"mhm ..". Mina hummed in her sleep.

"Are you awake..?" You knew how stupid and unnecessary that question was, but you couldn't help it.

She didn't answer at first, before moving after a few seconds.

"Now yeah .." she muttered as she pressed her nose against your hair.

"I just wanted to say, I love you .." you whispered and played with the purple fabric of Mina's pajamas.

"I love you too, princess ..". Was her answer and she kissed you on the forehead. Then it became quiet again and after a few minutes you could tell from her breath that she had fallen asleep again. Unfortunately, in contrast to her, you were wide awake and therefore decided to get up. Carefully you free yourself from her arms and sat up in bed. Confused, you noticed that the place next to Ally, who was sleeping sweetly, was empty. Where was Cordelia? You carefully climbed out of bed and went to look for the blonde, only to find her in the bathroom. You crept and stopped suddenly when you saw Cordelia lying in the bathtub.

Cordelia gave you a warm smile when she saw you and you couldn't help but laugh out loud. "What's so funny?" Cordelia grinned. "You .." you uttered, still laughing. "I?"

"Yes. You .. It's two o'clock in the morning and you sit here in the dark and bathe ...". You trotted to the sink. "It's not completely dark, I lit candles ..", Cordelia defended herself. You shook your head in amusement and washed your face.

"You're sweating .." Cordelia remarked, referring to the sweat stains on your shirt. "Didn't sleep so well .." you replied curtly. "I guess you don't want to sleep again either ..?" "Nope .." You turned back to her.

"Well ... then I would love it if you kept me company here," Delia said and smiled again. You shook your head again, just grinning, before you pulled your shirt over your head and went to the tub to get into the water. Cordelia sat down so that you were sitting in front of her and your body was leaning against her bare torso. She carefully put her arms around your torso and rested her chin on your head. You lay down for a few minutes Just there and you would probably have fallen asleep had she not spoken.

"Mina told us about your dropout this afternoon .."

Of course she did..

You closed your eyes "Why don't you just tell us what's going on Y / N?" She began softly. "We're really really worried." "I can't Delia .. I've never talked about it .." you whispered. "So do you admit something is wrong?" You snorted. "Of course something is wrong .. I hit Mina."

"You know that she's not angry with you, she's just worried as I said .. You know, no matter what is on your mind, we all suffer with you, no matter whether you tell us what's going on or not .. ", Delia said and ran her wet fingers through your hair. You just nodded at her words. "You could only tell one of us if that helps you.", She offered, although she knew that this would also bring new problems. "No, I trust you all .. It's just that, as I said, I've never told anyone about it. I am just afraid of your reaction .. "you said.

"Oh y / n ..", she sighed and turned your head so that she could look you in the eye. "No matter what happened, we love you so much and nothing could change that ..". Again you nodded.

Then suddenly she got up and grabbed a towel. "What are you doing?" You asked confused when you watched her get out of the tub and dry off. "You pull the plug and get dressed ... Meanwhile, I'll wake Ally and Mina, we'll finally talk to each other .." she said and put her nightgown back on before she ran out of the bathroom.

"You won't do that, it's the middle of the night .." you shouted after her.

"I know."

You climbed out of the bathtub, trembling, and drained the water. You dried yourself off quickly and got dressed. Before you left the room, you took a quick look in the mirror. You looked like you were going to cry any minute.

"We're in the living room, Y / N .." Cordelia suddenly called. For a moment you closed your eyes, then you slowly walked into your common living room. Your 3 friends sat on the sofa and stared at you expectantly. Cordelia sat with her legs crossed, her hair wet and her short nightgown on the right end. Ally was sitting cross-legged to her left. Clad in a T-shirt and shorts, she narrowed her eyes against the light. And at the other end sat Mina, in her purple pajamas, her long red hair curling on the fabric. Her left hand held her walking stick and, as always, her gaze seemed to shine through you.

You sat in the chair in front of them when Ally held out her hand to you. "This is not a fucking interrogation Y / N ..". You carefully took her hand and she pulled you between Delia and herself. You stared nervously into your lap and played with your fingers. You could still feel their expectant looks.

"Oz looks like my little brother ..." you suddenly let out. "Is that all?" Ally asked confused. "No .." you shook your head and waited a few seconds. "..my childhood wasn't that great ... my mom had a big drinking problem I guess..". "And your father?" Cordelia asked. "Uhm, well ... he hit us when we didn't do things the way he wanted ..."

Briefly there was silence in the room. "That's awful Y / N, but what does this have to do with my son ..?" Ally finally asked.

"My brother committed suicide when he was 15 because of my parents .." you said and heard Ally take a shaky breath. "And actually I had repressed all of that over the years and when I saw Oz ... I only saw Leo ...".

You got up and walked to an unpacked box with your things. You came back with a picture, which you put into Delia's hand. It was a family photo. Delia stared hard at the photo. "Your father had a walking stick .." she said suddenly and you instinctively looked at Mina, who was staring lost at the floor. Her grip on her own walking stick had tightened so much that you could be afraid it would be squeezed by her fingers. "His left leg wasn't healthy ... that's why he hobbled ...". Delia passed the photo on to Ally, who only had eyes for the blond boy next to you. "Well .. he actually looks a bit like Oz ..", Ally only mumbled and wanted to pass the picture on to Mina, but she just shook her head. "I do not want to see this..".

Again there was brief silence and again Ally was the one breaking it. "When I told you about Ivy and said I don't want any secrets between us, I actually assumed you'd think that way too..That's why I'm kind of angry Y / N..I mean, Do you don't trust us?"

You just wanted to speak, when Cordelia came before you. "She wasn't ready yet, Ally..She-" "Cordelia, I asked Y / N and not you .." Ally hissed.

"I've never told anyone about it ..." was all you said. "But we're not just anyone .." Ally sounded disappointed. "I didn't want you guys to think wrong of me .." you said softly. Cordelia leaned forward and grabbed your hand. "What happened is not your fault .. it was your brother's decision and your parents' fault .." "But maybe I could have done more .." you whispered, tears gathering in your eyes. Cordelia just sighed and pulled you into her lap. You leaned your back against her chest and listened for her heartbeat.

"And what was yesterday?" Asked Ally. "Something must have triggered your strange behavior .." "My mother texted me .. she does that every year on my birthday .." you said.

"It was your birthday?" Ally looked at you with raised eyebrows.

You nodded briefly and made Ally moan in frustration. "If you don't even tell us that anymore, then-" "She said she would come here next week because she has to see a doctor .. She wants to meet with me .." you interrupted her. "But I don't want to see her ..", you felt tears running down your face.

Ally just shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest.

"You should have talked to us much earlier Y / N ..", Mina finally said. "Even if this is all new now, we are a family and it is our job to make sure that you are okay. We would never have left you alone with Oz, had we known about your brother .. Not just about you to protect, but also because of Oz's safety. It's important that we trust each other, we've all been through complicated things .. " You nodded guiltily again.

Cordelia cleared her throat. "The scars on your back, you told us they were from a car accident, is that true?" "No .." you said. Suddenly you felt Delia's cool fingers pulling up your shirt and exposing your scars. "Delia what-" "Shut up, Y / N .." They'd all seen your scars before, but knowing that those scars were someone's craft, made them look a lot more brutal when Delia gently ran her fingers over them. "Did he? ..- asked Mina. You nodded and tears fell into your lap as you let out a sob. "I'm sorry," you said, holding a hand over your mouth to stifle your sobs.

"Damn Y / N, stop apologizing ..". Ally jumped up, stood in front of Delia and you, pressed your head against her flat stomach and rubbed your upper back with her hand. Delia's fingers continued to slide to the scars on your side. "Was that him too?" She asked softly. "No .." you answered. "Then who was it? Your moth-" "It was her, Delia .." Mina interrupted her with closed eyes. How could they have been so blind? Such scars did not appear in car accidents.

"Is that true Y / N?", Cordelia's voice trembled when she asked. "I'm so sorry .." you sniffed at Ally's shirt. "Back then I didn't know how to deal with everything .." "Shhh princess .." Ally cooed. "Please finally stop apologizing for something you can't do anything about .."

"Honey, do you still hurt yourself sometimes?" Asked Mina, who had slipped up to you and put her hand on yours.

"I've stopped doing that since Leo's death .. I think he saw me with a knife sometimes ..". The thought of it brought new tears to your eyes and made you sob one more time.

Cordelia pulled the fabric of your shirt back down before leaning her head on your back and wrapping your arms around your waist. Mina, who was sitting next to Delia, was the only one who could see her tears as she reached out her hand to gently run through Delia's hair. "Some things are going to change now, Y / N .." she said firmly. "We'll be more careful about some things and we'll also have to see how we deal with Oz without it being uncomfortable for him or you. I'll contact your mother and make it clear to her that you don't want any more contact. We can't stop Oz looking the way he looks, but we'll help you deal with it because that's what we're here for .. ". Her thumb brushed the back of your hand, which was in her lap. That was the last thing that was said that night, but you stayed in that position for a long time. You in the midst of your worried lover

[the-song-of-the-mockingbird]

Aidan Gillen may not have a face you instantly recognise, but he can change remarkably for each character he plays. It's better like that, he tells Kate Holmquist.

He doesn't stop moving in the hotel armchair. He pulls his black Adidas jacket up over his ears as though he's hiding. Then pulls it down and tries to sit still, but then his hands are in his hair constantly, pulling it, bending it, working it like clay, until eventually it stands straight up, like the black comb of an exotic bird.

I keep looking for characters in Aidan Gillen's malleable face: for the seductively amoral Stuart in Queer As Folk, for councilman Tommy Carcetti in The Wire, for Edward in Frank McGuinness's play, Someone to Watch Over Me or Mick in Harold Pinter's The Caretaker, for which Gillen was nominated for a Tony award after a New York Times review said he had outshone his co-actors, Kyle McLachlan and Patrick Stewart, not because they were inadequate - they were great - but because Gillen's energy was amazing.

Still dancing in his chair, Gillen leans on the marble shelf beside him, looks into the mirror and seems to watch the room behind him more than himself, with that shock of black hair sticking up like it's electrified. I'm distracted towards the mirror in an attempt to see what he's seeing and when I turn back, I realise he's been watching me watching him.

"You're a shape-shifter, aren't you? You can totally change your appearance at will," I suggest.

He smiles, settling into his chair. "Yea, I guess so." I've got his attention.

"You like that, don't you? Being described as a shape-shifter?"

"You are living through other people's stories. This is your life. Some of your most intense moments in your life are while you are pretending to be someone else. Hopefully, you have some sort of life that's your own, but it's all the same thing, really."

"Do you know who you are?" I ask him.

"I have an idea. Working as an actor . . . You are getting deep into being somebody else and that becomes a large part of your personality. Then you could be somebody else again next week," he says.

He has deliberately avoided being type-cast. "If something works you get asked to do four or five things the same. I've made an effort for the next job always to be something different."

Before Christmas, Gillen finished shooting a nightmarish thriller in Barcelona with 29-year-old director Rigoberto Casteneda, Black Out. He plays "an Alpha male doctor with a dual life", who becomes trapped in a lift with two other characters, played by Amber Tamblyn and Arnie Hammer. The film's tagline is "hope is not on the way".

GILLEN HAS MADE nearly 30 films and has appeared in dozens of theatre productions, but hasn't registered on the romantic lead radar like previous Irish heart-throbs Gabriel Byrne, Aidan Quinn and Colin Farrell. In looks, he's most like Farrell, with a bit of Stephen Rea and Richard Dreyfus thrown in, but without Farrell's charismatic public persona. Gillen is a light-switch, turning various qualities of energy on and off - sometimes within the space of a minute. And unlike Farrell, Gillen's face can be so ordinary that you'd miss him in a crowd. Now aged 38 and with 20 years of professional acting behind him, Gillen says he's aware at being just the right age to start leading in the sort of Hollywood films that could take him from highly respected working actor to mega-stardom.

He's so hard to pin down, he doesn't even identify with being an "Irish" actor. "In New York, they think I'm English, and in England they think that I'm from Ireland. If people don't have a strong sense of where you are from, it's to your advantage. I've never tried to push any kind of image. I feel at home in a situation where nobody knows who you are and what you do. I prefer not being recognisable in the street, the less people think they know about you the better. What do they want to know about you for, anyway?" he asks.

The son of an architect, who died last year, and a nurse, Gillen grew up in Drumcondra and was an altar boy in Gardiner Street church. At 14, he became involved in the National Youth Theatre but he didn't see it as a career. By Leaving Cert year, he'd fallen foul of the Christian Brothers. "A month before the Leaving Cert, a teacher sent me out of the classroom and I lay down on the roof of the building and decided it was time to move on. I liked school, but I didn't want to do any more of it," he says.

Gillen's "university" education began with a year living in London "watching the video of every film ever made". Then in 1988 he was cast in Billy Roche's Handful of Stars and met Jenny Tupper, who ran the Bush Theatre. "I lived with her for two and a half years. She was very supportive and encouraging." There was no sexual intimacy between them but Gillen says he got slagged for being her "toy boy", which he wasn't. "There was always a glass of Friexnet and a cup of quails' eggs and stimulating company of theatre people - Simon Callow, Alan Rickman, Frank McGuinness, Cathy Bourke, Lindsay Duncan. Always stuff going on. One time I was dying in bed with chicken pox, which I got at the rather old age of 21, and I woke up to find Frances Barber spoon-feeding me coconut ice-cream, which was almost like a fever dream. It was nice to have somewhere to be where I could talk to people, instead of an empty room on my own."

The actor he most admires is Donal McCann and the Irish playwright he would most like to work with is Conor McPherson - and McGuinness again, if the opportunity arose. As for Irish film-makers, he can't name one up-and-coming director he'd like to see cast him, which probably says something about the state of the Irish film industry.

GILLEN IS IN Dublin to play Teach in David Mamet's American Buffalo at the Gate. "What interests me most is the simple and straightforward plot: three small-time hustlers, hungry people, attempting to execute a rare coin heist and their efforts to keep on top as it falls apart. But behind that there's the background of the consumer capitalist society that they believe in and are existing on the margins of, and sometimes their efforts are desperate and desperately funny. They're treating each other like junkyard dogs, yet they are human. They're like a family. I think the play's got a heart even if the background is pretty black . . . Living is pretty black."

For the past three years, working on The Wire, he has fallen a little in love with the city it portrays, Baltimore - which likes to call itself "charm city" even though it's an east-coast backwater with a murder rate that's one of the highest in the US. Baltimore has been celebrated by novelist Anne Tyler and film-makers Barry Levinson and John Waters, but for the US public it is journalist David Simon who has explored the "rotten core" of this city, through drama series based on his non-fiction books that read like thrillers. Simon's first venture was Homocide: Life on the Streets, followed by The Corner and now, The Wire, which is about to film its fifth and final season.

Gillen has a real affection for The Wire, which Newsday called "the greatest dramatic series ever produced for television". He speaks passionately about the series' concerns, particularly how the education system is failing boys who have to decide whether to make something of themselves through education or join "the life" of street crime. One of the main characters is a cop turned teacher who becomes personally involved in his students' lives.

I tell him that my mother was a teacher in an all-black school in Baltimore; she kept a mattress for her eight-year-olds to sleep on and gave them money to buy lunch, since they stayed up all night with mothers on drugs and needed sleep and food more than education. He's fascinated to hear that people were trying to save these kids 40 years ago, but says: "I think there's a feeling that things are turning round in Baltimore."

Once we make the Baltimore connection, Gillen becomes himself and starts naming places he's become attached to as he kills time during breaks in filming: the Charles Cinema, which plays every arthouse film on the planet, and the Charles Club, a louche bar recently redesigned by the same designer who has worked on Barry Levinson's films. I tell him I got my European cinema education, for what it's worth, in the Charles Cinema and ask him if he's been to the Block, a porn district so risque in a 1950s kind of way that it's like a time warp. He instantly responds: "The Block. And it's right there in the middle of everything, by city hall!"

Blaze Starr, a stripper whose spinning neon pasties are one of my enduring childhood memories, was practically patron saint of the city when I was growing up there. He's fascinated by this bit of Baltimore porn history. Then we exchange John Waters anecdotes and he tells me that, in Fell's Point, the nutty little shop where Divine held court still exists. The Poles still take pride in their blonde beehives and now call themselves "Huns", he says. "When I get back to Baltimore, I kind of feel, you know, 'home'."

The cast and crew of The Wire can be "a bit cliquish" and Gillen likes his own company, though every weekend he can he flies back to London to see his two young children. As we say goodbye on the street, he vows that he will get a mention of Blaze Starr into The Wire. I watch him pull the collar of his chunky sheepskin suede jacket up around his ears, pat down his hair to make himself innocuous, and disappear into a city where only his old friends recognise him.

American Buffalo previews at the Gate Theatre from Feb 8 and opens Feb 13

Role model

Recent theatre creditsinclude Someone Who'll Watch Over Me by Frank McGuinness, New Ambassadors Theatre, London; The Caretaker by Harold Pinter, Roundabout Theatre Company, New York, for which he received a Tony Nomination; David Hare's adaptation of Anton Chekhov's Platonov, Almeida Theatre, London; Shakespeare's The Tempest and JM Synge's Playboy of the Western World, also at the Almeida; Mojo by Jez Butterworth, Royal Court Theatre, London; Marvin's Room by Scott McPherson, Hampstead Theatre, London; The Water Engine by David Mamet, Hampstead Theatre, London; Billy Roche's Belfry and Handful of Stars, Bush Theatre, London.

Film and television creditsinclude Rigoberto Castaneda's film Blackout; seasons three and four of The Wire; Law and Order; Shanghai Knights; Dice; The Final Curtain; My Kingdom; Queer as Folk, for which he received a BAFTA nomination; The Low Down, for which he was voted Best Newcomer at the 2000 Edinburgh film festival; Buddy Boy; Some Mother's Son; Circle of Friends; Mojo; Killing Time; and Safe.

[dolfinsatdawn]

While I wait patiently for hurricane Irma to barge in on FL next week, I might as well do this question-y thing that my fellow Turn fan tagged me in! Might be stuff you were always curious about OR alternatively stuff you couldn't care less about, but hey. Here it is.

Thanks for the fun @greenofallshades​

  I think there's supposed to be 100 questions. I started numbering them, but because I'm spacy I totally forgot to do the rest. So, here you go.

I'm tagging: @lou-who, @dying-suffering-french-stalkers, and anyone else who wants to do this (because my computer is glitching when I try to tag).

1. The meaning behind my url:  dolfinsatdawn. This was me trying to upgrade to something more artsy sounding but still had something from my childhood obsession with dolphins it.

2. A picture of me: EHHHHHH. I'm kinda squeamish about this. If ya'll really REALY want to see a picture maybe I will.

3. How many tattoos i have and what they are:  Lol I don't do the whole "permanent on your skin" stuff. I do love henna tattoos though. Anything semi-permanent is super fun.

4. Last time i cried and why: I cried when I found out my grandpa was in the hospital last week. He's okay though. I'm going to visit him soon.

5, Favorite band:  THE BEATLES. Hands down. I also like a lot of classical and film scores so, the only real band I love 100% is the Beatles.

6. Biggest turn offs:  Not respecting my personal space. It takes me a REALLY long time to get used to people (especially boys), so touching without my permission is really upsetting and people who do are immediately on my NOPE list. Also, men who constantly talk about money. I REALLY hate that. I don't care how much you make compared to everyone else.

7. Top 5 (insert subject): Top five places I want to travel to next!  1. Tokyo!  2. Washington State  3. Germany!!! 4. China!  5. Nepal!

8. Favorite place to be alone? I love doing everything alone. I'm so happy to go out and just chill without the stress of other people. I love going on walks alone especially in really pretty places like beaches.

9. Biggest turn ons: umm....I dunno sense of humor? Kind eyes....Classy clothes are a MUST.

 10. Age: old enough to drink even though I don't

11. Ideas of a perfect date: One where my date doesn't "forget his wallet in his car" and make me pay for dinner before driving me home without paying me back for his half. (I'm not bitter about this dude AT ALL.)

12. Life goal: Publish my book series so there's something for people to remember me by.

13. Piercings i want: None really. I throw around getting my ears done, but I'm not really into punching holes in my skin.

14. Relationship status: SUPER SINGLE and livin it up.

15. Favorite movie: . UGH dude this is so hard. There's three main ones I watch whenever and I always love them: Pride and Prejudice 2005, Howl's Moving Castle, and Austenland!

 16. A fact about my life:  I've spent 13 years in the same house and I'm totally okay with that. (Yes I commuted to college from home and no I didn't regret it AT ALL.)

17. Phobia:  Spiders. Terrible fear of spiders. I'm also afraid of the dark a little bit and tornados.

.18. Height: 5'2"

19. Are you a virgin?  Heck yea! And proud of it! 

20. What is your shoe size?  4-5 depending on who makes them.

21. What’s your sexual orientation?  straight

22. Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?   Nope. I don't like alcohol and I'd prefer not to kill my brain cells I'll need those for grad school.

23. Someone you miss: My grandma. She was the most fun person and I could call her any time and we'd talk for hours. She died in February and I miss her all the time.

24. What’s one thing you regret?  I regret how judgemental I was in high-school. It caused a lot of problems with my best friend. We're okay now, and I've apologized, but it caused a lot of wasted stress and fights we didn't need to have.

25. First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:  J.J. Field

26. Favorite ice cream?  CAKE BATTER!

27. One insecurity: Body image. I used to be very athletic and I miss that a lot. I feel really gross and lazy. I also stress eat a LOT.

28. What my last text message says:  To me - I finally found a Publix that has water.  From me - How am I like your dad?!

29. What's the most creative thing you've done recently: I decorated the house for fall!

30. What's the last song you listened to? Six Weeks by Of Monsters And Men

31. What do your favorite Pj's look like? I have a shirt that says "my cat doesn't like you" that I wear whenever we have guests over.

Have you ever stole money from a friend?  no.

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?  Lol nope!

Have you ever been in a fist fight?  I punched my brother a few times, but like...we weren't fighting.

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?  Yeah he had a girlfriend.

Have you ever been arrested?  No

Have you ever made out with a stranger?  Ew no

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?  Yes I loved doing this at my grandma's house.

Have you ever been lonely?  HA. Who hasn't...?

Have you ever been to a club?  I went to a boat party once (I hated it) and they played that weird club music so that's the closest I've ever been to a club. I go to sports bars all the time for wings though.

 Have you ever felt an earthquake?  Nope you don't get those down here in FL really.

Have you ever touched a snake?  I LOVE SNAKES. They feel so fun. Snakes need love all the time.

Have you ever ran a red light?  Yes. It was 2 am. I was coming home from a theater show I was in. (They kept me late painting sets) and I turned left on red without stopping because I didn't even register that the light was red until I had already done it.

Have you ever been in a car accident?   Yes. They totaled my car. Scariest thing ever.

 Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?  Yah

Have you ever sang karaoke?  I think I did, but not in front of people. My grandparents had a Karaoke machine that my cousins and I all played with.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?   Yah like continuing to eat Mcdonalds at 2am when my brother comes home lol.

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?  No! XD I've seen someone else do it though.

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?  nope.

Have you ever dream that you married someone? Nope. I don't usually have love-related dreams.

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?  No, but I got it stuck to an icicle that I licked once.

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked?  I was homeschooled so I worked in my PJ's a lot.

Have you ever brushed your teeth?   ???? do people NOT brush their teeth????

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone?  yeah I couldn't watch Black Mirror alone. Otherwise I don't watch scary movies.

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?  Naw. I might be tiny, but I fight hard. People know better.

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?  nope

Have you ever broken a bone?  I smashed my finger playing softball once.

Have you ever been easily amused?  I mean yeh. I watched youtube videos of people organizing stuff once for HOURS. D:

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?  Alll the time

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone? no.

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?   Literally all the time. I suck at names.

Have you ever give us one thing about you that no one knows? Uh...no? Idk I think at least someone knows everything about me.

What was your last dream?   I had pants that changed colors but never matched the outfit I had on. (It was the first dream in a week that wasn't an awful nightmare so I was thrilled!)

Would you be up for interplanetary travel if it was a thing?  YES YES YES. SEND ME TO SPACE! Its like being in the age of sail all over! Adventure! new planets! LET ME GO!

If you could travel back in time, where would you go?  18th century or Victorian era.

Do you prefer tech or real books for reading?   Books!!!

Do you dread doctor visits or do they not bother you?   I think they're a waste of time, but I'm not afraid of doctors.

Favorite fashion decade of the twentieth century? 1910's or 1920's. Edwardian (Titanic clothes) or Flapper (Gatsby).

Are you wearing nail polish and if so, what color?   YES I'm wearing the Northern Lights OPI color from the new Iclandic line. I LOVE nail polish.

 Are you into working out or no?  Yes, but it has to be fun. I hate machines and gyms. Dance is much more my style.

Do you have a temper?   Doesn't everyone? Mine's really buried though so you really gotta mess up and push me to get it to come out. I don't have the energy to be angry about a lot of stuff.

Do you have one item you treat yosef with, and if so, what is it?   SUGAR SCRUBS

Do you eat meat?  YEA I basically live at Chickfila.

If yes, how do you like it cooked?  Depends on the meat. Steak Med-Rare and chicken usually grilled well (no thank you to salmonella).

Ever had a boss or a teacher you absolutely hated?  HA basically every professor at my school who gets political. I'm sorry I took a literature class not a political science. You can critique the world later. Please teach what I paid for.

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?  Tea!

Do you wear makeup?  Yes, especially when I go to work.

If you wear perfume, what’s your scent type/favorite fragrance?  I wear the cashmere perfume from bath and body works. I don't really like high end perfumes they make my throat hurt.

Do you have a girl crush?  nah

Candles, wax melts, or incense?  Candles. I love their little flames. It reminds me of fall/Christmas.

Favorite season of the year?  FALLLLLLLLLLL

Fanfic—do you prefer smut or fluff?   Fluff. Not into smut really at all.

Do you like taking selfies?  Why or why not?   I hate taking selfies. However, when you travel alone and you want photos of yourself you gotta suck it up.

Do you want children?   Eventually, but that means wanting a husband and meh - i'll wait.

Do you prefer lots of friends or just a few good friends?  Definitely just a few. People stress me out.

Introvert or extrovert, or mixture of both?  Raging introvert.

Ocean/beach or mountains?  BOTH?!!?! Beach because it doesn't give me altitude sickness, but I love the mountains anyway.

Morning person or night person?  Night owl 10/10.

Do you initiate conversations with strangers?  not if I can help it.

Milk or dark chocolate?  Dark

What do you post on your blog?   Star wars...historical romance gifs...artwork sometimes...random other aesthetic stuff and cute things!

Is it hard for you to apologize when you’re in the wrong?   Yah I kinda have a pride thing that is hard to get past. I do apologize though. The person won't know you're sorry unless you say it.

Love at first sight?  nope.

Best/funniest Halloween memory?  This one year my best friend and I went as spies and everyone thought we were the blues brothers. It was hilarious because my friend had no idea who the blues brothers were and it got to the point where we both just said YES when people asked because it was too exhausting to say otherwise.  

Did your first crush work out or was it unrequited?  Unrequited

Do you like old movies—and by old, I mean OLD old?  I watched a silent version of Phantom of the Opera that was cool once, but usually those movies are a bit slow for me.

Do you tan or burn?  Both, but right now I'm tanning.

Do you think people deserve second chances?  Depends on what they did. Cheating? Not a chance.

What animal would be cutest if scaled down to the size of a cat?  ELEPHANT!!! Imainge the tiny round feets and the little trunk!!!!!!

Do you have any weird food likes/dislikes?  I hate lots of foods. and I hate any food if there's too much of it.

.What’s the funniest real person’s name you’ve ever heard?   (I don't want to use his real real name, but the last name is real)  Harry Dingledien.

[davidastbury]

Mr Crow

I am trying to tame a magpie. Each day I go into the garden and look for him, peering behind bushes, calling - ‘Where’s Mr. Crow?’ - and making clicking noises; a weak imitation of magpie language. Suddenly, with a clatter of wings, he swoops down and glares at me. I step towards him and he backs away; I retreat and he moves forward; all the time watching me with a flickering eye.

Yesterday I flooded a hollow in the lawn and left him to splash about. He was like a human singing in the bath. Dunking his head, slapping the water with his wings, shaking and preening. And cocking his head to what I was saying - ‘Who’s a beautiful crow?’ Who’s the most handsome crow for half a mile? Who’s a big softie?’ He glared back at me and stamped his feet, beak wide open, a choking,inarticulate outpouring of aggression.

I didn’t mind at all, I know he loves me.

Manchester

Perhaps she is actually Anglo-Saxon - someone whose ancestors squelched through the bogs of ancient, wooded England. All those centuries of being taxed by the bastard barons, of wars civil and uncivil, of battles on the moorland in Yorkshire, of debtor’s prison, of the slums of Manchester’s Ancoates and Gorton.

Or perhaps her family, led by a great, great, great grandfather, came and set up home here - fleeing pogroms in Poland, or potato famine, or pestilence - desperately seeking safety and survival.

Whatever ... throughout it all the mums and dads kept having babies, and here she is to prove it - this wonderful girl swinging three carrier bags, coming out of Selfridges.

After He’d Gone

The office door was locked but someone let me in; she shouldn’t have, but she knew me. His desk had been pushed to the side of the room - you could see where it used to be, the carpet tiles were darker in that place. It had been his desk and now it stood alone with the silent patience of a tethered animal. Drawer one, drawer two, drawer three - empty; drawer four jammed, and I didn’t want to force it. Phone on a wire on the window-ledge, some arch-lever box-files with springs like mouse traps, an open packet of rusting staples.

And his swivel chair with the dicky armrest - it snapped downwards if you pressed on it. He’d reported it to maintenance, but it was never fixed.

I didn’t stay - there was nothing left and there would be no goodbyes - not now, not ever.

King Street

A sense of place. A location - city centre; the same street between two more important streets. And together we walked along this street to buy something - something that was important to her - at her age - it was actually very important to her. So we walked quickly because she was afraid the shop might sell out and she wouldn’t get what she wanted - what her best friend already had and what she felt she must have too.

And we were lucky; she got what she wanted. We were back on the street and she walked on air; she smiled at everyone, couldn’t stop smiling - and I was happy too.

Catchup

We were a mixed bunch; clever and silly at the same time. Frank studied rocks and fossils - Ian was going to be a star on TV - George was starting a blues band - Geraldine who wanted to marry David (although it took forty years to achieve this ambition) - Geoffrey who was in love with a lady who was (fortunately) happily married - Kevin who was so charming but seethed with hidden anger - Elizabeth who habitually feigned outrage, genius at the ‘meaningful’ glance - Mary, aggressive and coquettish, very sharp insults - Kath, mysterious but pleasant, couldn’t take her eyes off Mary - Ronald, nice, withdrawn, haggard from self-abuse - Don, crackling with financial ambitions - Brian who got drunk and wrote like Joyce - John the antiquarian with his tweed suits and bow ties - Michael the anarchist, wiping his glasses and talking revolution - Lynne who never stopped smiling, the only person liked by everyone - Jim the bearded pharmacist - Chadwick (who would call a child Chadwick?) budding tycoon from the council flats - Hugh, meter-reader and philosopher.

Missed a lot out of course.

Just a bunch of people.

No harm in us.

No real harm.

No harm.

Teacher Training College ... 1965

Lecture over and boyfriend waiting for her outside!

And the Manchester streets - so sombre, industrial and soot stained - telling the history of triumphant capitalism and the deprivation and poverty endured by the masses. You could see it in the opulent Victorian hotels, the confident banks, the warehouses and sewing factories, the back alleys and dirty pubs with opaque windows.

But the Unions had become tough; they protected people.

She looked forward to the coming revolution in schools - class sizes would be reduced, bright new schools would be built with swimming pools, libraries and language laboratories. Elitism in education would be ended and the old ways would be swept aside and a new future would dawn.

Of course this didn’t happen. Class sizes haven’t changed much, most schools are in disrepair. Unions have been emasculated and seduced by sly government tricks; teachers stressed to breaking point by box-ticking, inspections, parental interference, policy u turns, and so on, and so on.

She married the boyfriend who waited outside - they had a few good years, but he did rather well in his career and went off with a girl from the office. She got out of teaching as early as she could, grabbed the reduced pension - and happy to settle, neatly divorced, with her kitchen garden, book club, and black Labradoodle.

An Afternoon ... 1965

Her lecture was cancelled and she never knew why. Her boyfriend was also free and was spending the day at a friend’s, helping him repair faulty audio equipment - so she phoned him and they arranged to meet up outside the Medical Library. It occurred to them both, instantly, that his house would be empty. Normally it was crowded with other students who shared the place - officially and unofficially. They could have it all to themselves; do what they wanted; make as much noise as they wanted.

They met; a flurry of kisses and hugs and without mentioning it, they set off towards his house. It was settled without saying any words. They walked quickly. He was animated, chatting and joking; nervous, as if it was a first date, as if he had to impress her - as if his life depended upon it.

She loved him when he was like this. She would have enjoyed keeping up the anticipation - perhaps stop at one of the bars for a quick drink - perhaps call in at the bookshop - something like that - something that would have kept the atmosphere at boiling point - prolonging the enjoyment of seeing his thin concealment.

They turned off the main road and came to the house. He moved ahead, fumbling an assortment of keys, and she looked at the back of his neck - planning to bite it. He kicked away the pile of mail and held the door open. She noticed his slight breathlessness and smiled up at him - basking in the pleasure of causing all this disturbance without even raising her little finger.

Janet ... (Mary Notnice’s friend) 1965

She lived on the outskirts of the town - in the countryside. Her home had once been the tied cottage of a farm labourer, but had been sold at auction when the farm went bankrupt. Her mother used the sheds and enclosures, keeping all sorts of animals - goats, sheep, rabbits, poultry and so on The mother was nice; a sincere, decent woman who seemed to be always busy, always cheerful.

There was no dad around; I never found out why. I once hinted at the subject - not wishing to bluntly ask - but she didn’t take it up. Something in the way she deflected my hint told me that it wasn’t a fully tragic story, instead she showed an amused, forgiving tolerance. As if his absence was the result of ancient, masculine folly, described in every song, book, film in human history. No doubt an amorous misdemeanour; a betrayal with one of her friends possibly, where the uncompromising truth would stand as plainly as the nose on her face. And so they lived their little lives in their little house, more in disappointment than sorrow - as if the missing husband and father wasn’t held entirely to blame - because he hadn’t been able to help himself.

Janet had a beautiful, tranquil disposition - she could have written this ...

Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we,

For such as we are made of, such we be.

(Twelfth Night)

The Room

The house is still there - and the trees. Most of the front garden has been lost to car parking; the area where the stone fountain used to dribble in the sharp sunshine has now become a turning circle for the resident’s vehicles.

But he’s not interested in the front - he would like to go ‘round the back’ and peer at the upper windows - at one particular upper window. This had been their room - many years ago - not for long, just one winter, their only room, their only winter. He would like to see what he saw then, when in the mornings he had looked out at the snow in the garden, the trail of a fox or dog, the dripping moss on the brick walls.

And yet he isn’t fooling himself; his motive isn’t totally prosaic. There had been so much joy in that room - remembering how in the cold light her silhouette frazzled like a Bonnard and their laughter rebounded from the stark white walls, and there was nothing in the world that could equal their happiness or their unconquerable belief in each other.

Surely all that joy must have sunk into the bricks and wood and plaster of that room. Would it be asking too much, so many years later, for just a little of it to be given back to him?

Conversation between the Kray twins.

‘Fancy a cuppa’ Ron?’

‘Yea - thanks Reg. Four sugars’

‘Fancy a biscuit Ron’

‘Yea - I could murder a McVitie’