alittlebitdeadintheinside-blog

[agayconcept]

.

[elbowreveal]

i am going to put my emduo backstory headcanon brushup i wrote down in discord earlier here. just because ive been writing Around it and in case i publish any of my WIPs this is more context. or simply bc maybe one of u mite enjoy.

under the cut be a wall of text, unformatted, with typos abound:

ironing out a third or fourth version of emduo meet... and i really simply cannot get away from the 'EXTEEMELY mysterious dangerous self-sufficient vagabond guy journeying through all the lands over decades because he Can and Wants To' trope i think youd have to kill me at this point to get me to stop having having c!phil skittering around the world causing and solving problems. infinite flat world of minecraft. will he reach the edge and fall off into the void /j

[5:02 PM]so phil comes to this town and gets a tavern room to sleep and hes in the room laying on the bed with his stupid bird feet swinging behind him writing in a journal labeled 'year 57' which is how long hes been out of isolation for bc he just wants to meet ppl and travel etc when he hears a commotion across the river at a castle and is like "👀👀👀" so he flies over and is like "wots up :)" turns out the local peasants revolted killed the king and are working together to repurpose the castle and redistribute wealth and phils like "im not from around here but i can help if you want??" and theyr elike "shore!" and tell him to find any prisoners and hes like "ok i dont even NEED a key or lockpick hehehehe" and the guy internally is like 'ok! terrifying but i wont question that!'

[5:06 PM]so he finds a basement or dungeon and lets out all the imprisoned ppl and tells them to head upstairs where the organized locals will give them anythign they need. they all hurriedly thank him and scamper out to restart their lives as free men but theres one dude who is just fuckign terrified. a dubiously-teenaged piglin shoat who cant walk great but refuses to let phil touch him. so phil sits nearby and minutes turn to maybe an hour or two or three before hes able to convince the dude hes jsut a Random Guy Trying To Help and that Everything Is Cool Now and You Probably Should Take Antibiotics For That Scrape.

[5:11 PM]eventually the patience pays off and after heading up to the organized peasants one thing leads to another and phil is saying he can help the kid get back on his feet. then yknow it plugs into the old hc structure i have a pretty good handle on. cottagecore living where techno heals up and phil teaches him to read write cook hunt etc. and they simply become friends and never drift apart and are happy. ofc until some assholes from phils past show up one day try to stab him and techno throws himself into the way and dies bc he was also born hardcore. and then kristin (death god!) is like "WAIT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIX THIS-" and curses techno with all that blood god (a subordinate/more evil death god? like one of kristins shifty employees but thats all she could do in a short notice) shit but it restores his 1 life infinitely and gives him spidey senses.

[5:13 PM]so then techno respawns somewhere else and phil scrambles to find him bc kristin is like "ummmmmmmmmmm i sort of had to curse the dude sorry, but hes Alive" and then its a couple life cycles of Hell as techno adjusts to his new sort of divine powers and then they are able to calm down again and just be two dudes scampering around the world causing trouble and uncovering Forbidden Knowlege again

[5:14 PM]throw in the AE at some point bc they think theyre Smart Enough after a few centuries to lead better than other mortal blokes (theyre Wrong and it solidifies the whole anarchist philosophy about power over others etc) and then eventually u throw in a baby wilbur and land at the dsmp. mmm bqckstorie

[5:17 PM]the cottagecore section at the start before they really get into the Killing is such a comforting thing to think abt tbh. techno owning and caring for his first cows... trading recipies with the locals and waving to the townsfolk in the market,,, phil showing him a sturdy stitch to work deer hide with... hours and hours of bogus enchanting to learn somethign workable... making arrow tips by the fire...

[5:18 PM]etc etc. calm...

[5:19 PM]figured itd be a good foundation for a sweet guy trapped in a bigass piglin body whose destined to become a war criminal and mass murderer. makes it all add up ig

[5:20 PM]and then phils survivalist nature can be pinned on a couple of centuries of depending on only Himself and a little bit of creepy divine influence every couple of years. (points to death points to ender points to the empress)

[5:21 PM](mashes them up like potato in bowl) ingredience

[5:24 PM]also if u think abt it they Argue a Lot which just makes everythign funnier bc you know theyve been pinging back and forth the same braincell Forever and can have a whole assed conversation in "you suck >:(" "NAUR..."

[5:26 PM]everyones like 'awwww emduo the them<3" and its just 40 mins of them berating the other as if theyre stuck in the same habits from 1497

but then u know its just like. part of their fun when they toss the veil aside and r like "bro id die for you 🥺🥺🥺" "bro... pls dont bro"

scrunt ass milk. — Today at 5:40 PM

[oh-for-fic-sake]

The Mount Teaser

Warnings: Swearing, Typos

A/N: so this is the first little teaser for a small probably two part for the Cavillry School Writing Challenge. My teacher is August Walker as Truant officer. i hope you all enjoy. XXX

Please ignore any typo’s this is unbeta’d.  

You frowned at all the girls around you. All tittering and giggleing like children. Most younger than you. Stupid children. But each a terror in her own right other wise she wouldnt be here. You hated this place already, the garish pink and peach cheque short skirt and white blouse with a bow around the neck, even in year thriteen-sixth form you were required to be in uniform. Ugh. Mount Ephrame academy was a a strange institution. A huge 100 acre plot in the countryside huge caslte like building no not like hogwarts...Think Balmoral or somthing like that. Some gothic Victorian structure with almost everything you could think of dotted around the grounds stables, pool, walled garden, cloisters a fucking orangey even a small bloody lake! It was insane here once stepping out of the car you'd gone cold. Houston we have a problem! A big fucking problem! It was remote and a whole different world you felt it in the air as you'd entered the building lile you were cut off from the world. But if the ten foot grey stone wall that encompasses the grounds was anything to go by. You were. On the one hand it was an all girls boarding school. On the other? A prison. Its where the delinquents were sent. You go to a young offenders unit or if your bad enough or 'salvagable' your sent here if theres any space. It was unnerving. It pitches itself as an 'institution of learning, growth and reform' you can find yourself here from the age of eleven to twenty one the curriculum covers from your year seven SATS through gsce and higher education even some degrees!  Once you are here you are trapt untill you get the go ahead from principal Cavill untill you prove your 'good and well mannered and will contributeto society'. Your trapped despite your age, your classed as a ward of the 'school' untill he says you can leave. You thought it was illegal but no in actual fact it was like prison. Catch you teach and mold you untill you can become a functioning member of society. The school itself had a reputation of being effective but no one knows how or why. No one questions it, if its not broke dont fix it. Aslong as the students excel and come out as pristine young ladies no one cares. You looked around at the long line of portraits hanging on the walls. A gallery of the staff. Nintey percent male. One hundred percent of the gorgeous, even a few abnormal looking ones like a certain Mr...Rivia??. Eyes are not naturally that bright even for honey brown. Contacts. And he must dye his hair. You scoffed at his portrait. He tries to hard. Probably trying to cater to the younger teens newfound 'werewolf' infatuation thats popped up. Just a few years ago when you were their age 'vampires' were all the rage...As long as the sparkled. You paced the hall small heels clicking on the stone floor as you went. You'd done your research you'd been here just over two weeks and you hadnt been idle. Finding out as much as you could and yet nothing at all. The girls didnt talk much about what goeson here one did slip saying 'the mount' as they called the school was traditional in values and the way it handled things. The girl was quickly shushed by the others who turned a suspicious red colour. Other then that not much was said and you were avoided which was fine by you. You wasn't staying. You traced the picture frames slowly one by one the stunning thick men staring back at you from behind the glass, most blue eyed some a bright azure like the astrology teacher a Mr Kent crystal clear blues looking at you from behind thick framed nerd glasses. Others darker. Like a Mr Walker. Ah yes your new foe apparently. You stopped and stared at him, he looked tough but... looks can be deciving, just looke at that Rivia one for instance. No you didnt think the stoic Mr walker dyed his har or wear contact's, but you did think he was trying to seem more intimidating thennhe wpreally was. He was the Truant officer, normally in schools the truant officer is the only member of taff who can really touch you. But here things were. Different. You'd learned from the others that what happens in the mount, stays in the mount. Walker was the one all the students feared most he had a reputation for being the toughest and meanest of all the staff. It was said he was CIA and trained to kill-had killed. And that he hunts down pupils how skip class stalking them like prey before dragging them into his office and giving them hell before taking them to headmaster Cavill for a second dose. Dose of what you didnt know but apparently it was bad. Painful even. You doubted that very much. You doubted many things about this place, the reputation, the legality, the curriculum, the teachers! But most of all you doubted they would contain you. You doubted they'd manage to keep you here at this correctional institution. You'd got to your final compulsory year at school and been thrust into this place dragged kicking and screaming into its halls of residence and set to stay untill 'further notice' you were just about to turn eighteen! Just about to leave behinde the 'holier then thou teachers' and do what you wanted and???  No. The government decided you used up our chances. A few warnings from police and being expelled from a few schools were fine but apparently drinking underage and caught with class A drugs was a step to far. The courts called you a liability and shipped you off here to continue education in a 'safe structured environment' your parents were only to happy to agree, why wouldn't they be? You'd get a free education, free room and board and collage courses a free degree to if you were not 'reformed' withing the next yer or so. All they had to do was sign their rights to the school for the duration of your stay. And indoing so condemned you to stay here until your new Headmaster deemed you could leave and not a second before! But what he didnt know, what everyone around you failed to realise is that your not like the rest. your not a simpering little girl who'd be 'put in you place' by a few pretty men spouting sweet praise and stern glares. you were getting out! you just had to put a bit of work in. "Miss y/l/n/? are you okay?" you snapped your gaze away from the photo snapping out of your thougts seeing Mr Cavill the headmaster. Your jailor, he frowned as he gained on you coming to a slow stop before you chest heaving with a sigh one brow quirked waiting for an answer. "yes I'm fine" you spoke stiffly, it was no secret you didnt want to be here, you hadnt yet fallen under what ever fearful lusty haze that seemed to hang over the other students yet. he huffed shifting on his feet tucking the folders under his arm tightly tipping his head forward  eyeing you over his glasses with an almost scolding look the made you jolt. "Well you wont be if you hang around here much longer. Your skipping class young lady, and right infront of me to. Didnt you hear the bell?" he asked slowy motioning to the school bell in the corner of the hall but you kept your mouth shut chooseing not to look at him. "Right well come on off to class with you, I'll let this one pass but you'll not get another get out of jail free card. come on get out your planner i'll walk you to class we can say you got lost" he added waving his hand at you making you scowl and pull out the planner rage boiling inside of you and you looked at the classes. Block B Art with Mr Solo. you huffed as Mr Cavil turned and motioned for you to follow him. "Come along before Walker Catches you, he does not put up with this type of thing accidental or not and take it from me you dont want to get in his bad books he is not known for being merciful to the girls" he utterd you growled under your breath casting one last look to the portrait trying to commit it to memory. you didnt give a shit about the truant officer's reputation. you'd be the one to get the better of him. And you'd be the first  to get out! You'd be kicked out. You swear to god your not stayng here. You couldn't!

[rotten-dragon]

A short vent story i wrote while on sleep meds last night! Apologies for the typos, i tried to find and fix as many as I could!

~~~

"Im scared to hurt you, I… I cant be the one to hurt someone so precious as you." He whispered, delicate fingers holding up the other's chin, to look at him.

The shorter male smiled, though it was bittersweet. "You can't hurt me more than I hurt myself, Liu."

The taller one, Liu, let of a soft sigh. "Always so dark," he murmured. His thumb rubbed across Tyler's cheek. "How do i pull you out of yourself?"

Tyler leaned into Liu's touch, closing his eyes. "I dont… Entirely know." Was his response.

"Well what do you know?"

"That I want you… I dont… I dont care if you hurt me, Liu." Tyler opened his brown eyes, and looked onto the emerald one's staring down at him. "I just want us to be together. I want you to hold me. To kiss me, and cuddle with me I want to run my hands through your hair, and kiss your adorable freckles.. I want to comfort you if youre upset, and for you to do the same with me, I wa—mmf!"

Tyler was cut off when Liu crashed his lips into his own. They kissed for a long moment. Tyler's arms wrapped around Liu's neck. Liu's fingers entangled themselves in Tyler's blonde mowhawk, tugging hust enough for a small stinging to arise. Tyler didn't mind it. As long as it was Liu.

What was only seconds felt like glorious minutes to both the men.

"I love you," Liu whispered when he pulled away, lips only centimeters away from connecting with Tyler's again.

Tyler smiled softly, and his eyes glossed over. Those pesky butterflies fluttered wildly in his stomach. "Shush, you handsome dummy." Tyler murmured. "I might cry if you say that..."

"Its okay to cry," The killer responded. "Because I love you, and I want you to feel safe enough to cry around me."

Tyler pressed his face into Liu's chest. His eyes stung, yet he inhaled sharpy. Trying to stop the tears from falling as he always did. "Shhh-shhush," he stammered out, voice wavering. "I-I dont… Dont want you to sss-see me like this…!"

One hand moved to rub Tyler's back. Liu kissed Tyler's head. "Its okay," Liu told him softly. He knew that Tyler must have something else bothering him. There had to be so much going on inside that mind of his. Yet Tyler never seemed to talk about it. Liu wanted to help him and he was going to do so in the way he could. "I dont think you're weird for crying. I won't yell at you. I wont scream. Ill hold you, okay? ill hold you, and love you while you let out your emotions. I want to do that for you."

Tyler let out a sob. His hold on Liu tightened as tears slipped down his rosy cheeks. His mind was screaming at him to stop. To not show such a pathetic side of himself to Liu. But he couldn't contain himself when Liu openly showed love and support in this way.

Tyler wasn't sure how long he cried in Liu's arms. It could've been an hour or more. But Liu never stopped ccomforting Tyler, and holding him close. Eventually, he was able to pull himself together and look up at Liu, who gave him a sweet smile. "Feel a little better, darling?" Liu asked softly.

Tyler sniffled, and nodded. He smiled back at Liu then proceeded too… Sink his teeth into Liu's shoulder...?

"Oh?" Liu raised a brow and chuckled. "Are you a Piranha now, Ty?"

"Mhm!" Tyler nodded not moving from where he was. He giggled deviantly. He didn't bite too hard. (He could never hurt Liu!)

"Does my little Piranha need a snack? Maybe some water?" Liu hummed. He had never stopped rubbing Tyler's back.

Tyler hummed with thought, then pulled back and nodded. "Feeeeeed meeeeee!" Tyler purposefully made his voice deeper, and croaky.

Liu let out a laugh, and nodded. "Alright my little piranha, lets go get you a snack!" Liu picked Tyler up Briadal style, making the shorter one squeak in suprize. If wasnt often that Liu did this but every time he did, it was always a suprize! Tyler just smiled as Liu carried him to the kitchen.

He was happy. Liu made him feel happy. Accepted. Loved, unconditionally.

[writingforjoy]

Decotta’s Diary

Once again, huuuge thanks to @aurikhai, @rose-of-sharon-cass, and anon for asking for this particular drabble and i apologize again for taking so long with it! the first three entries are for the asks, and then i did the last one as a normal diary entry. All typos, punctuation, and grammar mistakes are left the way they are because I wrote it as if she was typing it on her phone. @rhikasa i hope you'll enjoy this one too

Dear diary, July 22, 2016 10:58pm

We’re leaving for a ‘mission’ tomorrow. Just gathering more intel or something on this ring of productivity. Think its supposed to create whatever you want, but idk, wasn’t really listening when pH0 and zane were talking about it. I would just ask him but I don’t wanna make myself look stupid! I mean, its literally not my job as ‘king’ to know, just to make sure that we don’t use all our expenses. Anyways, tomorrow we’ll leave Moonshine Lake. I’ve never been to Arkansas before, I wonder if it’s any different from Louisiana? We’ll see...but I’m not driving lol.

Dear diary, July 23, 2016 3:47pm

The only thing worse than all these trees is Emment presence. Honestly I don’t get WHY Haiden thought it was a good idea to send Emment along. I dont care if he can heal, I can protect Zane on my own! Now we can’t share the room OR have the romantic date like I planned! It was supposed to be just me and Zane enjoying the rest of the day ALONE together just relaxing but nnoooo. With Emment here, senpai wants to ‘get this done as quickly as possible’. I’ll have to read Sixteen to see how to fix this.

Dear diary, July 23, 2016 11:15pm

If Emment’s tagging along didn’t have me pissed, I definitely am now. APPARENTLY, Zane’s been working on this BY HIMSELF FOR MONTHS, and the person that has the stupid ring now is soME GIRL HE’S BEEN “DATING” FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!! I wouldnt have known about it if Emment hadnt let it slip what Zane was actually doing tonight when he left! To make it all worse, it wont be til maybe midnight when he decides to come back! Why did you have to lie to me senpai?! I couldve been of use! It would’ve been different this time!!!

Dear diary, July 24 2016 3:42am

Just as i got ready to go out and find him, senpai comes stumbling in, reeking of what i can only guess is weed and alcohol. Thankfully, he had everything to make a purification potion. Buuut, he wasn’t...all the way there to do it himself. Emments useless ass was already sleep when he made it in earlier, so that left me to make the potion for him. i couldnt stand seeing him so out of it, so of course i made it! now he’s just puking on and off again from potions effects. ...i hope he sleeps well tonight.

Dear diary, July 26, 2016 6:42am

Ok i know im supposed to have a journal entry everyday but the night zane came in he ended up resting the rest of the day and i stayed by his side watching him and then yesterday was sooo busy! YESTERDAY WAS THE BEST. DAY. EVER!!!! Oh my god wher do i even begin??!!? Ssooo, as my reward for being the best girl in the world the other night to senpai, i had BREAKFAST IN BED!!! He ordered room service for me and brought me ROSES!! He tried apologizing for everythign but i told him not to worry about, this small gesture was enough to let me know that he still cared for me~ AND THEN. HE ASKED ME. TO HELP HIM GET THE RING!! i was BEYOND excited to help him!! But i kept my cool, and told him sure, whatever. So he went on about who the girl, maggie, was (just some uppity college bitch rebelling against her rich folks) and was telling me that when we went out that night i’d have to use a glamour (he already had his ready and dear god he only gets hotter the older he gets), and who i was going to be waltzing around as (another one of her friends who sounded equally boring as her). Anyways, her parents been gone on vacation or whatever and that night she was hosting a big party at her house that he was invited to. Haiden was going to get the girl that i was going to be and keep her busy or whatever, but she was already taken care of by the time me and zane got to the party. Oh god that party was intense, so ima make try to make this entry short cause tired as fuck.

When we got there, the party was already goin, music blasting, couples all on the couches drunk kissing, people in the corners drinking, beer pong in the kitchen, the works. To maggie, i was there to help her trap zane and oh my GOD it took ALL of my willpower to not light her ass up on the spot (though it was pretty damn hilarious when i caused a short outage and she and a couple of other girls screamed), luckily senpai was close by and was able to calm me down before i got myself caught like last time, then off they went to have a ‘private conversation’, and maggie told to let everyone know that she’ll be ‘right back’ if anyone needed her, but we both know how that went lol.

So as soon as they made it to the room i stood at the door making sure no one would be interrupting senpai...and do a little eavesdropping AND OH MY GOD THIS STUPID HUMAN! She called him a crook and a liar, and all he wanted from her was her money all while she was fake crying, and then she had the nerve, the AUDACITY, to call him a witch. Of all things! A WITCH!! Then! Ooh then she called him a low-life and a snake-FIRST OF ALL MA’AM MY BABY’S JUST DOIN HIS DAMN JOB SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR UPPITY ATTITUDE-i wanted to bust in and shout that so badly, and senpai must’ve known it too cause i heard him yell ‘calm down’ in french, and again softly in english for her (i guess). At this point my curiosity was getting the best of me and i just had to see what they were doing, so i enchanted the door so i could see in, and oh my poor baby. He looked genuinely concerned, hurt even, at her accusations. Then he cupped her chin in his hand and asked her where she heard such things, and when she told him he gave her this sad look and told her some pitiful story that i only wish i remembered to prove his innocence AND SHE FAILED FOR IT! She started wiping her eyes, stammering apologies, talkin how she ‘loved’ him but didnt wanna get hurt again, and when he did his little ‘confession of love’ for her, shE KISSED HIM! I promise to god i this close to barging in, but i saw senpai hand waving ‘stop’ while she started mumbling god knows what. then he slowly leaned (a little bit too) close to her ear and whispered something that made her redder than a ripe tomato, and this horny bitch got up faster than the sun rises and started stripping out of her clothes, what makes it sad was that she tried to do it sexily, but she wasnt as graceful as she thought she was about it at all. So drunk and pathetic, humans are so weak minded that its actually entertaining lol. Once she got her bra off and straddled him, he finally put the sleeping spell on her and laid her on the bed as he slipped the ring off her finger! We made the deliver just before we got home this morning and i am more than thrilled to be in my own bed right now and that everythings finally done.

Zane Masters, my senpai, is simply the best demon in the world! He’s sweet, charming and clever, and can easily manipulate people when he wants to, and thats what i love about him. Thats why hes the Second King, our K2, my sweet, sweet, love. One day he’ll agree to go out with me, then he’ll see that im just as much of a girl as any other one, and then he’ll fall in love with me, and we’ll finally live happily ever after!

[arvoze]

man, this was sent like, nearly 2 weeks ago or w/e, and i completely ignored it bc i didnt have the energy/ability to care (you literally sent these when it was between 1 - 2am my time) but, it was recently brought to my attn that you put both me + lal in your byf (because i.... banned you from a server i guess, and that means lals at fault too?) so.

i guess it’s high time i answer this lmao. maybe you wont even see this. maybe youll vague abt me for the next few weeks and try and make me out to be a bad person, but i dont care lol. anyways this is under a cut bc its pointless drama i guess. ask 2 tag

additionally: this isnt rly meant to act as a callout post. but since u asked on anon (and im pretty sure we’re mutually blocked) i cant really talk about this privately. this is mostly just.. well. answering your question. ive written this little paragraph after i’ve written everything below, so like, idk dude, it happens sometimes, i get rly heated abt shit and then cool down after a while. so this is wild.

edit: i havent read this thru nor do i care about reading it through. are there a bunch of typos? probably. dont care though

i dont rly have the energy to pull up Everything esp because that lke.... requires going thru so many discord messages adn i really just. dont care enough to sift through everything

“but if u dont care why are you writing this” shut up u wanted answers didnt u lol

nyways heres just . some shit lmao

man firstly let’s deal w your post abt my server

+ dont worry! ive got it archived in case u delete it bc who knows what ud do lol. nyways

lets just do some breakin apart on this:

i was lterally shaking at the time and having my OWN panic issues but i guess you dont rly take that into consideration lol?

this is one of the biggest exaggerations like ... you made it sound like the server was some big special place jdfghdkj theres literally 4 mods and 2 of them didnt even talk to you. the other 2 were me and lal

like half of the server isnt even fucken active on the server and the majority of the other half dont even care about unfollowing/blocking u. what a wild assumption. thts the funniest shit 2 me

please you literally sent me 3 asks when it was way too early in the morning 4 me expecting me to reply as if it was possible for me to give u all the reasons in like 10 minutes jesus christ

ths is one of the ugliest posts ive ever seen + this was posted before you were banned frm the server. several ppl in the server have bpd + i was absolutely not willing to have smeone who says this sht abt their illnesses around (re: the whole “not actively in therapy” and shit. fuck off lol)

here’s some other stuff on my list that you might remember:

(kin stuff) being fully aware that my brother wasn’t - and still isn’t - okay with doubles with a specific character, and that you were specifically warned whilst he was offline, and you knew this was the case, yet decided that your best way of explaining something was..... fuck dude, whats the wording you used? “i’d say but some people here aren’t ok with doubles” or some shit which is! literally just as bad! and tht shit has fucked my bro up so severely tht he still fuckn..... thinks abt + the shit uve said In General (shrugging emoji)

heres a fucken wild ride for u: ur the reason he left th server anyways and why the second i banned u i was immediately happy because holy shit i can talk to my bro again bc i could invite him back! to a chat where he doesnt have to deal w someone who causes him constant panic attacks! wowee

lets not forget me expressing my extreme distaste of lying [person] + r.idged.og + ridg.epho.s but u completely ignoring that shit (+ wowie remember when u said lying was yr friend and that you didnt like me venting negatively abt them bc my nasty experiences r somehow less important than ?? tht shit??? lol anyways)

god the entire fucking drama w the lying shit . i cant believe i was on yr side for a while jdfghkj. that whole fiasco was so shitty. nyways thts nothing to do w me its just something that made so many ppl uncomfy

remember when you left the lying chat and then vented to us about shit but then rejoined the lying chat unbeknownst to us + caused shit again (surprise, i know about that)

you, generally, made several people uncomfortable (myself included), and as the owner of the server, i’d much rather kick one person from the server than have several people being uncomfortable. but if that’s an unreasonable thing to do then please, inform me, because that’s news to me.

whilst i dont support alex or alex’s partner in any way, shape or form (before u try and call me a fucken apologist/supporter/whatever lol), the blatant deliberate misgendering of alex’s partner on your byf was extremely shitty of you (which has since been fixed, but yikes).

(kin stuff) pretending to not be a double around lal, knowing he’s not comfortable with doubles (which, maybe you’re not! but given you’re kin w mc.ree + got that in your byf, and don’t have anything abt not follwing if ur x.phos in ur byf...... boyo)

god theres more but im not willing to dig up all the shit + also dont want to ask other ppl about their personal problems bc thats exposing them to a past/experience they probably want to forget about/never revisit

if u found this? congratulations. you got your answers.

if ur gonna vague abt me? go ahead. i dont really see what ive done wrong lmao.

also, re: why i didn’t tell you anything at all,

i was having a panic attack and almost throwing up

i kept trying to find reasons to keep you in the server, because i didn’t want problems to arise

i will literally never talk to ppl abt this kinda shit privately bc i dont want people to feel bad but 2 late

[sleeplesssecrets]

i showed one of my friends this blog and as i was skimming it and it made me miss writing here so. im going to try to fix my typos more but maybe not. i have a lil light shining on my dim keybaord in the dark and i dont have the energy to be meticulous haha. im planning my wedding, my aunt is helping me a lot. i want her help because she is very thorough and i want to feel like i dont have to think about too many things in the short amount of time we have to plan it. i want my wedding to be simple and easy and cute and memorable and cheap but nice. i thought when tanner proposed i wouldnt cry for some reason, but i did. i teared up and focused on not crying the entire day afterword. i remember watching my sister tear up after her wedding and she was talking about how much she didnt want to cry in front of everyone. i was worried back then, as an 11 or 12 year old before i even knew tanner, that i wouldnt cry at my wedding. but im not worried now haha. it would be nice if i didnt cry because ill have makeup on, but yea anyways. my initial idea for my wedding was to have a small thing and to spend nothing on a dress and to have my baby girl be my flower girl. but its slowly becoming more than i ever thought i would have because my aunt knows her shit. i trust her completely but she loves to have every detail under her control, which can almost be more overwhelming than doing it all myself. i have ideas im completely stuck on that i will not change. i specifically do not want a wedding dress. i do not want a dress made for a bride sold at a bridal shop for wedding dresses lmao. i want a pretty dress that i like and that is cheap and cute and maybe pink. light baby pink. and my aunt still wants to take me to a bridal shop and play dress up. ill entertain her becuase i dont want to hurt her feelings but anyways. i just want to be pretty and feel pretty all by myself and love how i look in whatever i choose to wear. and i think wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, homecoming dresses, and especially modern prom dresses are all basically horrible. and i dont want to feel horrible. another problem with my aunts plans is the venues were looking at, they allow for a lot more guests, so i have no reason to not invite people. there are specific people i do not want at my wedding. and my mom hates it i think. i was talking about it iwht her today. she always asks me the same things about why i dont want a specific someone in my life and she wont let it go. i love throwing around the word hate and if there was a stronger word i would use it. my mom hounds me asking why, and giving me looks like just because i dont make sense to her, that i have no real reason. i have real reasons to not want someone at my wedding, and i dont owe it to my mom to tell her. its a cliche but its my wedding and i want the people there who i want there and i know myself, that if someone who i dont like was there, i would be totally distracted and anxious and detached and preoccupied in my head. i dont want to be detached on my wedding like i was at my prom. i want to be attached to the day, to the people, to the specific visual memories. i dont even want peripheral memories of disappointment. i want my wedding to be between me, tanner, our families, and the people we love. and that excludes a certain person and theyre going to have to get over it and be sad for the rest of forever cos i dont care. causing negative emotions in others is something i like to have control over. i want to emphasize how little i care about him in my actions. anyways im blanking out right now so im not going to force myself to think of things to write.