#(people love their binaries and i really wish they didnt lol)

[gg-selvish]

I only ever really Sapnap characterized as the “straight one” in dnf fic which is usually used to contrast how someone reacts to their best friend versus how someone reacts to someone they’re attracted to. That makes sense to me even if it mischaracterizes Sapnap’s relationship with dnf. I’ve read one too many fics where dnf are hitting on each other or flirting or direct it teasingly to Sapnap and have his reaction be running for the hills. Like Sapnap hasn’t leaned into every gay joke or flirtation made by his friends, but he’s got to be the “straight one” because that’s how the straights react and the whole poor Sapnap save him thing. It does serve the purpose of getting Sapnap away, which I do like because I prefer a dnf fic to be just about them and saves me the trouble of having to read people trying and write a character I like, but they don’t care for.

mmm i disagree and also agree with this so this is gonna be long-winded as i often am.

i do agree that the biggest perpetrator of super straight and like... man's man sapnap is dnfers because of this like ur so right and. as someone who reads a lot of dnf i wish they just wouldnt even mention him lmaoooooo reading whatever reason theyve made up to get him out of the house is amusing in an annoying way. i like dnf fics where theyre just alone in the house and no one asks questions why. i read dnf for dnf not for sapnap to be there especially if they're gonna characterize him the way they do. but thats dnfers and they do things their way and thats fine i just ignore it im not gonna police anyone's writing i'm just gonna talk about it on my little blog with like 12 followers and hope no one reads it...

my biggest issue with it and where i saw it a lot in the older days (late 2020 through 2021 especially but it went beyond that too) in a way that really grinded my gears was with this like. one specific breed of karlnap. i used to ship karlnap and LOVED karlnap especially during their initial meetups. im a dnkn shipper til i die there's no reason for me to dislike them. but i just couldnt stop finding myself reading these fics that were just so strange. hyper-masculine sapnap with ditsy effeminate karl in this very very binary way that i just couldn't compute. it not only disagreed with my personal opinions but it would develop into what i saw as a slightly off-putting lack of chemistry and was just really unenjoyable for me to read. it read like m/f to me which is fine but when im looking for mlm fic i want to read mlm. this goes back to wanting queer dynamics in representation of queer relationships (note: i'm using the word representation VERY loosely. im not implying fanfiction is anything close to actual representation). it was just so weird

it's kind of funny because i realized this in a very roundabout way. a friend of mine from outside the fandom wrote and gifted to me a karlnap fic based on the karlnap they had read and it was like the perfect highlight of the dynamics in the ship that bothered me... i loved the fic, still love my friend for writing it, but it really pointed out that the characterization of those two was just so set in stone in those days and i read it but i didn't like it in the long run or as inspiration for my own writing. the writing was incredible, the quality of it was great and it popped off it was amazing. my issue was with the guts of it, yknow? the internal stuff.

that's one of the main reasons i started writing karl differently than i used to (remember when i used to write karlnap? subbottom karl in MY christian minecraft server?) and focussing on kwtnf because i was mad about the sapnap characterization but didnt watch him solo enough to focus on him... then i hyperfixated onto karl and went fucking hog wild with the idea of him and his character in my head. it obviously didnt do anything i dont have any impact on other people but it made me feel better lol

[tw1stedthicket]

sad rant below lol just ignore me i just need this to exist in the world rather than not in my brain.

I crave death. Why am I questioning my sexuality again. I wanna cry dude I wish I didn't know any labels and just wanna fuck off into the woods and say I don't fucking know what I am except confused. I really, really like women, but also think sex with anyone is cool (even guys) because stimulation from multiple forms feels good and connection itself can feel good

and men can be cool but I don't really wanna date them though tbh, but also I can't say with 100% earnest that I have no appreciation why people are attracted to men because even though I do feel disgust sometimes at some things I also think painting with too broad of a brush erases the qualities/dynamics in people that transcend gender and are attractive in everybody and I can admit that I am attracted(*?) at times to men

or i at least feel kinda fuckin sick of it being funny to be repulsed by men bc like cmon touch grass at some point youre an adult why aren't men also great and desirable learn a different method of expressing your interest in other things than an online way of saying "ew cooties" to all of men who are individuals too

also I do think that at least for myself any hard line I draw feels redundant as fuck because the world is chock full of people and perhaps sexuality in and of itself is a phenomenon experienced in the context of others in relation to yourself meaning that it's heavily alchemized and influenced by people and there are always people who come across my path that I feel like I could really go through life loving and ppl's own genders can change as well or how they interpret even just "woman" means something wildly different and varying in its own way from a binary meaning that the utility of an identity emphasizing one specific "format" of person makes me feel icky, and also why the fuck does it make sense that i can be attracted to ppl who are bigender or genderfluid for example and they are women at times but men at others, like, is that a different kind of man? idfk.

but also I kinda feel like I don't know how to parse attraction vs. desire vs. arousal, and sometimes what I feel for men is more so arousal and getting off to the notion of being wanted -

except that probably has more to do with things like self esteem & someone finding me desirable, yknow (which is not hard to find in men, which with them being cool and all is like...well...*obligatory you have to be cool and reciprocate kicks in*) and even tho women are RIGHT THERE sometimes it's harder to believe that women, the vastly cooler ppl (lol sorry men i didnt mean to go back to being mean), would find *me* desirable, plus also it's prolly preferable sexual dynamics emphasizing wanted-ness (submissive peeps like myself WANT that setup of attention and desire and control so naturally I might gravitate toward that feeling), and overall male approval and validation can be a hell of a drug

a drug i might add that historically at no point in time in my life has ever been fucking normal and led to authentic experiences and always leaves me feeling like I just enjoy a cat and mouse feeling more than anything and being wanted - which in itself is interesting because a big aspect of feeling the resonance of an identity like "lesbian" that centers women is in how much greater i think life would be if i *wasnt* ever attracted to/desired/whatever men and vice versa and just lived in a world without those complicated feelings where every guy truly was just a bro to me and it was all kumbayah and i never had to worry about any ambiguity at all and i would pull that switch permanently off forever, and also because the fun always always stops the moment the other guy is interested in going further than just sexual messing around stuff and them experiencing legitimate /attraction/ like not just arousal or desire or pursuit but like legitimate ****romantic*** connection & that's a very gross and uncomfortable feeling that just kinda makes me feel guilty and wanna say "oh, buddy..."

except i don't know how to take it that as of the past few weeks i have been feeling fucking strange and topsy turvy because i for some reason have had my sex drive shoot through the fucking empire state building

and i know men are extremely easy access and you can play them like a fucking fiddle when all you care about is transactional (sorry men) and that's cool when you want to be all subby about it and let them dominate you which ppl into that are happy to do if you are a playful participant except also it feels incredibly shameful for me because i don't think that's what i truly want.

because why is this here when for the last few years i have been utterly enamored with women to the point i wanted to say "fuck all men!" and have been super happy to imagine life with women

and i also have some weird internalized beliefs/scripts im aware i unconsciously hold regarding women's sexuality and sapphic women's sexuality in particular that why do i sometimes feel like women are just purer or something and are like the people getting-fucked and not doing-the-fucking like deer or some shit like that classic tumblr post about how gay women dont owe anybody anything other than the nastiest sex they want to have. and all of the sparklies and butterflies in the world at beautiful women are also not just "hehe so pretty" but also "I WANT TO FUCK YOU INTO THE MATTRESS" and even how lesbian sex is im not sure how they do bdsm and i kinda feel at times like i'm operating solely in a vacuum just theorizing shit because it's not like i've even been able to have a single fucking conversation with a lesbian in my life -- ive met plenty of ppl attracted to women and even sapphics that are, but it's always a point of comraderie sometimes like "haha women are so pretty right"

NO FUCK SHIT DAMN IM TIRED OF THAT

I WANT TO MEET UP WITH A HOT WOMAN FOR COFFEE AND HAVE A GOOD CONVERSATION WITH HER AND FEEL AUTHENTIC AND REAL AND HEAR ABOUT HER LIFE AS SHE HEARS ABOUT MINE AND WE CLICK AND THEN MAYBE GO TO SOME STORES AND HANG OUT A LITTLE AND BE FLIRTY AND WE PICK OUT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON LIKES LIKE "HEY THIS IS SO YOU-CODED LOL" WHEN HOLDING A LITTLE FUCKING GHOST MUG

AND WE BE SILLY AND WALK AROUND OUTSIDE AND MAYBE FIND OTHER COOL THINGS TO DO TOGETHER THAT WE BOTH HAVE SHARED HOBBIES IN AND THEN SHE HOLDS ME AS I TELL HER ABOUT HOW VULNERABLE A FEELING IT IS TO BE SO HAPPY IN LIFE AND STILL YEARN SO BAD

AND SHE WOULD HOLD ME CLOSE AND CARESS MY HAIR AND TELL ME THAT MAYBE I JUST HAVE NEEDED SOMEBODY TO SHOW ME THAT I WAS WORTH YEARNING FOR TOO

AND WE BUY EACH OTHER LITTLE TREATS AND CALM EACH OTHER DOWN IN A PANIC AND LEARN TO TALK ABOUT HARD SHIT AND SHE GIVES A FUCK MAN AND WHEN IT COMES TO THAT POINT

WHENEVER IT IS

THEN SHE IS MATURE AND SMART ENOUGH TO BE HONEST THAT SHE WANTS TO FUCK ME AND WE CAN FUCK LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE AND HAVE DIRTY FUCKED UP FANTASIES LIKE WE ALL DO AND HAVE OUR MOMENTS AND IDK ITD BE VERY NICE IF SHE REALLY DID KNOW WHAT SHE LIKED AND SHE LIKED TO DOMINATE PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM FLUSTERED AND GOD LIKE IDEK HOW TO PARSE WOMENS SEXUALITY TBH BUT I KNOW I WANT IT

AND IM NOT HAPPY ANYMORE MAN. IM NOT SATISFIED AND FULL ANYMORE ON JUST THESE SUPER WONDERFUL DREAMS OF RELATIONSHIPS AND HAPPINESS KNOWING I HAVE THE FREEDOM TO PURSUE THEM I NEED TO ACTUALLY FUCKING PURSUE THEM

LIKE IM FUCKING LONELY AND THE THING ABOUT LONELINESS IS THAT ITS LIKE A FUCKING NEWTON CRADLE OR SOME SHIT THAT PINGS OFF ITSELF AND THE LONELIER YOU ARE THE HARDER IT IS TO STAND YOUR GROUND AS YOURSELF AND AS A WHOLE PERSON AND A COMPLETE PERSON AND YOU FEEL LIKE A WEAK DOG WHO IS PRONE TO BEGGING THE LONGER TIME GOES ON AND IT BECOMES EVEN MORE SHAMEFUL TO SHARE WITH OTHERS THAT SEE YOU AND WANT TO AVOID THAT DESPERATION AND I HATE THAT IT'S PROBABLY MY FUCKING RITALIN IVE BEEN ON THAT HAS MADE ME NEED DOPAMINE AND WANT TO BE HORNY AS SIN ALL THE GODDAMN TIME BUT I ALWAYS JUST END UP CRYING WHENEVER IM ALONE BECAUSE IDK IF I NEED MY HAIR PLAYED WITH AND KISSED OR MY FACE SHOVED IN A PILLOW BUT I NEED IT DJDIDIFIFOGOGOVOVOGOG

[ordinary-funky-feline-type]

i think rukako is a (or could have been a) fascinating exploration of a character. yeah, no, it wasnt, but it definitely could have. rukako deserved better. but she got better in my brain it would have been so cool to see an exploration of the concept of a sheltered japanese trans girl livin in the 2010s who doesnt even know about the concept of being trans. its been a while since ive watched the show but the depiction of rukako is by far one of the worst things about it for me. i hate that her transness is supposed to boil down to "her family abused her into living as a girl against her will". ?????. its a shame, all the jokes about her gender are unbearable to watch. rukako is a character that didnt know how to be written by her author. the backstory for all her gender shit feels like a lazy and misguided, unfortunate excuse to... build some emotional tension to her story and also appeal to normative ideas of gender? i dont blame the author for being ignorant, but i do criticise his work and, it didnt even have to be a binary, concrete, clear thing. i dont see rukako as a "rukako said trans rights" sort of thing lol. i like that she probably has never really had access to information about other trans people, and rather the closest thing she had to that is crossplay forums and the otaku akihabara scene of that time and place. i think that being 'a boy who looks and acts and is perceived as a girl' and being 'justa cute gurl' are both parts of her identity. being constantly 'reminded' that 'he is a boy' i think is awful lol. but, simultaneously ,i dont think that she has completely detached herself from the idea of being a crossdressing boy. as i said, i dont think that she has had access to information of the sort, and i dont think she has even asked herself the questions that she needs to ask herself about her identity. i dont think she has the answers yet, and thats okay i just remembered in the middle of writing this that a big part of her arc is that she literally wishes to have been born a girl, so everything i just wrote is wrong, upsi still tho, i think that a character who is just a boy that looks like a gurl (eine femboi..) or a trans girl who is not recognised as such by her environment, are both gud and valid concepts. its just that rukako falls flatly in between those two, i think. i dont even remember the show. but ye, the author seems to never be able to decide which one he wants to write, and he just ends up being transphobic, lol f for rukako, ill always love you I DONT REMEMBER SHIT ABOUT THE SHOW I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKIN ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fue una hermosa forma de sentir

[brw]

002 — ScarletVision (it’s ur brand I HAD to 💖)

When I started shipping them

Honestlyyy I cant remember </3 they just have given me brainworms for the past 5 or so years n I have to deal w/ it <3 I guess I just thot that Vision was cool n they're such an iconic pairing that you sort of have to come across them at some point

My thoughts

ONE of the premier comic book relationships. theyre iconic theyre groundbreaking theyre so special and dramatic and have my whole heart. i can't personally think of a single relationship that has the range they do. theyre ur embarrassing het parents theyre the friendship of a gay man and lesbian they are a t4t lesbian power couple they are having a fight in a car park they are star crossed lovers whos fates are entertwined and the fact that their romance happened goes against all odds. they r so special.

What makes me happy about them

the fact that they STILL love each other they still are very close friends they made a LIFE together and they remember and respect that and love each other for it and even though theyre much different now they still have so much respect for one another i love their constant growth. strangers to being so fragily in love with each other to becoming stronger + standing by one another as they become the best versions of themselves, building a life together away from the avengers, the tragedy that struck them and the fact that they managed to rebuild past that and remain good friends. they r SO. thinking about them daily. they were KIDS IN LOVE they didnt deserve this :(

What makes me sad about them

everything john byrne did </3 set the WORST prescent for them it makes me so enraged that ppl still use it as evidence they shouldn't have been together they were SO in love prior to that vision got violated against their will and thats not their fault!!! n the fact that people can't let them rest.... WEIRD WRITERS R NOT THESE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS RESPONSIBILITY PLEASE STOP ACTING LIKE IT IS! SOBBING.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me

definitely ppl who recontextualise their relationship to be manipulative or abusive on vision's part saw that kind of idea in the 616 SV tag n i was so :/ just. dont use the tag lol. anyway finding anything centered on them that isn't mcu based is ridiculously hard so. that ig. vision with binary pronouns. i struggle a lot if u couldn't tell.

Things I look for in fanfic

genderqueer vision at the TOP of that list but definitely like,,, stuff that has clear references i guess. like i like some continuity i like being able to tell which comic issue it happened during i like being Specific!! uhhhh wanda being explictly jewish in like holiday celebrations is always a plus :0000 and if the avengers r there definitely a non mcu lineup. where r jan and hank.

My wishlist

ngl not sure what this means but assuming it means like, wishes for them, i guess uhhh. polyamory. literally it is 2022 no more ship wars. they r dating everyone. my wish is that they get back together but have an open / poly relationship.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other

DEFINITELY scarletvoodoo & visionmantis. wanda & jericho r SO SO SO soft they are so important scarletvision endgame but i do actually need more content of them so badly. there is so much more to explore how does jericho vibe w/ tommy & billy!! they were moving in together what does their house look like!! what is their morning routine!!! please let me know!!and visionmantis bc they are just also so soft.... autistic nonbinary lesbian 4 autistic nonbinary lesbian. she is green they r red it is a perfect combo. they understand each other on a deeper level, like they understand each other's emotions & outlook more than other ppl n i really want that explored. they only broke up canonically bc vision could not get pregnant!! we can fix that its the future. bring them back to me.

My happily ever after for them

AGAIN polyamory. they have so many hands. getting back together getting remarried but like. explictly as their updated selves. we CANNOT regress we need to look forward it has to be brought out of respect for what their pasts r and what their futures would look like together has to be a writer that actually cares abt them please nothing to do w/ wendyshow i could not handle it. i know it will not happen in a way that i want but i can dream!!

ask game for fandoms, ships & characters.

[killherfreakout]

I'm sorry if this is too personal please only share if you're comfortable but I'm having a bit of a crisis and I think you might be able to help. did you ever have difficulty in figuring out if you identified as pan vs. bi? and like what helped you figure it out? the labels confuse and overwhelm me and I almost don't even want to bother but like... I want to clear this up in my own head so I can like pick which flag to buy and also just be able to have something to call myself. thank youuu ❤️

hi ! ❣️no worries! i don’t mind sharing, especially if it can help someone like you :) i want to start by saying that it’s completely okay if you don’t have it figured out rn (or ever! labels are only for you and what you’re comfortable with). and you are completely valid either way, and any label you choose or don’t choose 💛 

i also have said some things about finding comfort in my pansexuality here and here (yes, even and eliott had a really big influence on me 🥺 as well as ola from sex education!!) — plus i would direct you to this post that explains the differences between bisexuality and pansexuality really clearly and respectfully, imo! more about this under the cut :)

i was ignorant to all the possibilities that ‘not straight’ could be, honestly, and didn’t even know that pansexual was an identity/sexuality at all. i think i was talking to a friend and she was talking about someone (a guy) she knew who had feelings for another guy, and she said something like ‘he could be gay, but maybe he’s bi or pan’ and i was like hm...what’s pan? (i didn’t ask bc that wasn’t the point of the convo, but i totally could have. i just didnt want to make it about me idk, nut looking back i just should have asked lol) so anyways, i remember looking online for what it was and when i read some descriptions, i had the light bulb moment and was like, ‘oh. that’s how i feel’ and told myself that i was pan, mostly bc having no label felt ‘wrong’ to me (it isn’t wrong at all!!!!) and i wanted something to narrow down how i felt rather than just confused.

i don’t remember exactly which definition it was that made me realize it, and there are a lot of them out there, and yes, there is some overlap between bi and pan. it can be confusing, and i totally understand your feelings about not knowing which one you identify with! especially without knowing the differences between them and the experiences of both bi/pan individuals.

but the part that i identify with and find comfort in with the label of pansexual is that: i am attracted to those of any gender, and my attraction to people doesn’t change based on gender. my personal definition of it is simply that if i like someone, i like them; their gender has no account into it. — this includes those who are trans or of a gender outside of the binary. bisexuality also includes these folks! 

i recommend reading the post i linked earlier in the ask for more specific definitions of the two!!! it’s as simple as that to me, and pan is the label i choose to identify with bc it makes me feel comfortable and most like myself. (i personally don’t have a ‘preference’ when it comes to gender, but if you do, that’s completely fine too!)

i kept it to myself for about a year before i started to really truly accept it and told my friends and people close to me. (my parents don’t really know bc i haven’t said it directly but i think they can tell that i’m not 100% straight lol, but thankfully i don’t think they would mind, and i’m really lucky for that.)

i also remember having a really deep conversation with my best and closest friend about both of us feeling attraction to more than just guys, and i kind of came out as pan and she came out as bi, but we were both unsure at the time, but it felt so good to tell someone and be accepted and loved for it 💖 and yes we have that bi/pan solidarity we need so much more of !!!!!!!

it sucks bc over the past year or so i have been out as pan i’ve seen/experienced a lot of situations where my sexuality has been invalidated, and i always try to not let it get me down, but it still does. what helps with that though is that there are so many people that feel the same way i do, and see themselves the same way i do, and even more who validate and support me and my pansexuality, and at the end of the day the label is for me and not them, and i take pride in it and who i am bc it makes me happy, and that’s how it should be!!! 💗💛💙 < also how cute are the colors of the flag!!! :’)

this was super long but i hope it helps you and anyone questioning, and i’m always here for you and anyone if you want to talk about it more or have more questions! (on anon or in dms!) and you are valid no matter which label you choose or if none of them fit for you, and i wish you all the best!!! ✨:D

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

[theclash]

I was gonna say do all of them but that’s a fucking lot so do all the evens

okay babeeeeey I’m finally getting around 2 it!

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)A RACCOON 

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?Animal Crossing, Mario Kart, Sonic and Tails 2

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]just had to take a quiz for this, I got melancholic 

10: Are you allergic to anything?penicillin, msg, pollen, various food dyes and random other things

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?COFFEE

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?vampire

16: How tall are you?5ft 8in

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]116lbs

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?space

22: Pet peeves?loud chewing, tapping, background noise that’s repetitive 

24: Favorite constellation?leo cuz im a leo 

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?this is such a weird question ghfjdkhgkh uhh idk!

28: Do you think global warming is real?duh

30: Favorite movie?the wall or yellow submarine

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?3 dogs, 2 cats, probably about 60 different chickens, 20 or so fish, a cricket, a spider

34: What is a color that calms you?blue

36: Where were you born?Tacoma, WA

38: Introvert or extrovert?Extrovert

40: Hugs or kisses?both but only for my gf

42: Who is someone you love deeply?gf :)

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?yea but its not like OOGOHHH TATTOOS PIERCINGS SO SEXY its more like I like them but I dont have a preference whether someone has them or not

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!her name is Em and she’s strong and cute and soft and fun and i wanna see her Right NOW

48: A sound you really love?seagull noises

50: Can you do the splits?nope

52: Favorite movie?it already asked this ghfjkd

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?i like it brown but like if I didnt have to have it look decent/’appropriate’ at work then silver or something would be cool idk sometimes I feel like I wanna bleach it too

56: Something that calms you down?watching soap carving asmr videos honestly LMAO. & being held by gf obv

58: What does your URL mean?i like the clash and joe & I’m a lesbian

60: Do you believe in evolution?Yup

62: What makes you follow a blog?pure clout

64: Favorite animal(s):raccoon :)

66: Favorite emoticon:🤠

68: What is your MBTI personality type?ENTP

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?mine couldn’t

72: Post a selfie or two?I’m on computer snzzz 

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?i’m sexy

76: Do you like birds?DUH

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?I’ve never been ice skating cuz I’m too clumsy but swimming isnt very fun either idk I cant see for shit when I’m in the water

80: Some thing you wish did exist:lil wayne

82: Something you really enjoy doing:being swaggie 

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?god I have no clue I joined it within its first year of existence 

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?yea my avg is/was around 7

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?no

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?raccoon but im not a furry

92: A store you hate?ummm. idk. hollister I guess fuck hollister lives (sorry paul simonon)

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?fly (2 gf)

96: Winter or summer?summer

98: Least favorite person?god

100: A store you love?local record store

102: Where do you live?house

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?stevens universe. idk any of the blue ones are epic

106: Do you like bugs?not the ones that fly constantly (ie pine conifer bugs are my fav and they fly but like I hate flies, gnats, moths, etc)

108: Something you get paranoid about?oh boy lol

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?i have no clue who tf keeps track 

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?most ppl have?????

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?sunny

116: Favorite cloud type:sick clouds xD xD xD XD

118: Do you have freckles?no

120: Fruits or vegetables?vegetal

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?do you love the colors of the sky

124: Bright or dim lights?dim usually cuz I often have a headache but I also cant see for shit when its dim

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:mclennon shippers

128: What do you think about the least?bro how are we supposed to just come up wth what we thinkg about the least. what I think about the least is Whatever it is that I think about the least

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?some men.

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?not usually I’m really self conscious about my mouth in pictures I usually try to cover it honestly lol except in selfies cuz I can actually see how it looks

134: Do you like roller coasters?yes but not the ones that do loops

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?i looked up the two for a comparison so I could give an answer and apparently that whole concept is a myth

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?usually like a 7 

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?nope

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?good? idk

144: What makes you angrymen. thinking in both a broad and specific sense

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?im a lesbian

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:eyes

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.Em, Greg Hawkes, Roger Waters

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?I have never platonically kissed anyone lol I’ve literally only kissed my GF 

156: What embarrasses you?not much

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:once I was questioned whether I cheated on my math by using a calculator and I said no which was a lie then I got detention

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?29,551 

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?17,329

164: Do you have long or short hair?medium?

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?mmmm dont make me get in to it

168: Do you like to wear makeup?only sometimes

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?yes

[tumblunni]

Aaa im so full of poke hype and lovv! <3

I feel like maybe doodling my kid self, for some reason?? Like embrace the nostalg and also show some love to that awkward lil kid who didnt really know who they were yet. Its interesting how much i've changed over the years!

Hell i might even draw personas of myself dressed as all the protags from all the different generations? But they'd be mostly the same for like the first 20 years, just me getting real tall and fat lol. I had almost floor length hair for SO LONG it felt really freeing to chop it all off and i never went back! I think i kept it cos it was loke.. Camoflage? The only 'girly' thing i had so i could pretend to myself that i was straight and cis. Plus a literal shield cos i could be 90% hair and just one eye poking out XD So yeah it'd be funny looking at me over time, its just this girly-looking kid getting increasingly more macho outfits and increasingly more girly hair and increasingly more socially anxious, until within the space of 18-25 i suddenly have this giant self discovery freedom explosion and change completely! Its funny how if anything i look less masculine now? Like im way more comfortable with the fact that i'm someone in between genders, and its not a binary of having to be something i'm not just to escape some other thing i'm not. Its also kinda funny how these gender roles felt so restrictive when i was crammed into one of them, yet dressing with both at once seems just as freeing as having neither. Tho still no matter how i dress i always get misgendered one way or another since non-binary acceptance is still far from the norm. But still im so much more me than i've ever been before, and its great to look back so i can realize how far i've come!

So lol maybe i'll just draw old kid me playing "her" first pokemon game, and leave out the next decade and a half of the same thing but taller. And i could just draw current me in a few different attempts at a pokemon outfit? Like when i did my sprite edits i just did me in my usual outfit i wear IRL, now im thinking maybe i shoulda designed a wish fullfillment ideal gym leader costume or something? Tho im too lazy to start the sprite edit project all over again with this new design lol. Oh and maybe also draw my pokemon go outfit? I dont wear it all the time but i had a fun lil look i wore the other day that i ended up laughing at cos i accidentalky wore all blue even tho i picked Team Valor! Now i wanna wear it all the time lol. Oo and maybe cosplay as my fave characters? If i cant afford to do it IRL i can at least draw it!

So yeh in summary somehow i feel really confident in my identity today and i wanna draw pics of me. Mild ego time!!! Or rather just wishing i could fly back in time and motivate my kid self by showing them that they woukd actually have the freedom to be themself some day. I dont even really think of it as "I used to be a girl" but just that i was always feeling this way and didnt know the words for it, or that other people felt the same way and it wasnt an 'abomination against god'. And for some reason playing a gane with selectable genders really helped me let out some of my feelings during that confused childhood of absolute repression. "I just pick a random gender each time cos it doesnt really matter right? Doesnt everyone just pick the one with the outfit they'd rather wear?" I absolutely knew that was a lame excuse and none of these other kids actually felt that way, but at least it kept people from suspecting i had queer reasons for my queer actions. In a time where i didnt even know what queer meant except that it was Somehow Bad. Gah, this is why sex education needs to be inclusive! Even when i was old enough to learn about straight sex i apparantly wasnt old enough to learn about gay and trans people! Let alone asexuality lol... Man it was a whole nother mess to be dealing with an anomolous lack of sexual attraction at the same time as i was repressing something everyone told me was 'inherantly too dirty for teenagers to know about'. For so long i was just told that crossdressing was 'a sick fetish men have for wearing women's underwear' not just.. A woman is a woman and is telling you she's a woman and you wont listen to her. And for some reason they always obsessed with MTF trans folk in these sensationalist hate sermons, i guess because 'a man who gets off on dressing like a woman' just sounds like the more disgusting version when youre a sexist homophobic transphobic piece of shit throwing your bigotry at children. And at the same time also aphobic and telling me i need surgery on my genitals if i dont want sex. Mannnn kids those days.. i really hope kids these days have it better! I hope everyone who dealt with that shit managed to find love and support eventually, even if its still a damn crime they had it denied to them during their most important childhood years. The whole concept of 'an innocent carefree childhood' is so unknown to me, its ironic people claim they want to keep "lgbt politics" away from children in order to preserve that innocent childhood...

Aaaaanyway im rambling lol! In summary pokemon was one of my only coping methods during that childhood and the only small way i could pretend someone accepted me. Even if it was just by whispering no when the professor said 'are you a boy or a girl' and being happy at the little genderless mons like magnemite or the legendaries. I dont think i would have ever realized it was actually POSSIBLE and had words for the complex dysphoria i was feeling, if i hadnt played this dumb lil series of games.

Anyway thats probably also why i never had any attatchment to gen 1 despite being born right as the first wave of pokemania was coming out. The memories i have of those times are complex. Im just excited to revisit kanto as a new and happy person and maybe make new memories! I already barely remembered actual Yellow compared to FRLG, it was kind of a trip to play it on virtual console and remember all the tiny bits of sexist writing that games used to have during that era. It was like 'whoa i never noticed this was wrong as a kid, this finally explains why it made me uncomfortable!' Also the gameplay was glitchy and the plot nonexistant and the translation rudimentary and limited. And the mons weren't very good and i prefer pretty much every other generation and especially Garbodor and Vanillite, dammit!

Ok im going offtopic again

So yeah like i said im happy that Let's Go has managed to make me hype even thougj i didnt enjoy kanto the first time around! And its good how much it represents my journey out of that shitty childhood so now i can revisit it and pretend this is my first time and None Of That Happened, Thanks

So anyway bunni draws past self. And gets emotional. And rambles for hours in a dumb post.

Ok bye

[unproduciblesmackdown]

there was an ask list but instead of reblogging it im just doing the thing where i answer it all and put it here under a readmore

what mythical creature do you wish actually existed? idk i like griffins but i feel like thats boring b/c they dont like have any Powers...

soundcloud or vinyls? i dont rly use either lol

what book does everyone right now need to read? whatever they want i have no huge recs. i like the ashbury high / brookfield series & thats kinda unknown but thats it

do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets? its not much of a thrill...i guess im neutral but it has to fit me for starters

what was the best thing that happened to you this month? i donno. watched some stuff, had ppl compliment me

what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? i periodically tell myself to care less about various shit

would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests? i guess the sky....clouds are nice. the ocean is full of heinous shit and the abyss. the forest can be kinda iffy too and also cut down

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? i havent kissed anybody romantically* so its not really an issue for me

do you plan your outfits? rarely

how do you feel right now? eh theres the usual undercurrents of misery and frustration but that’s just bg noise most of the time. im alright i suppose

what’s the last dream you remember having? well i was having trouble driving, which is a frequent dream, because it was a bus, which is an unusual detail. i think we were trying to take a roadtrip to a beach in another country, which is a thing that happens in my dreams lately. but then i suddenly found out i was in a play that was in like rehearsal/performance stages already, which is also common. my role was to act like i was real gay for some other guy character. i was like lol no prob

what are you craving right now? im usually a bit hungry i guess

turn ons/offs? i like people who can go along with a joke i suppose and who seem interested in other people and what they have to say. too many things repel me from other ppl to list

when was the last time you cried? why? i’ll cry super easily if im just imagining some sad concept

did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? there’s some contenders there smh...but no

do you bite or lick your ice cream? lick....

favorite movie ever? i dont have one

do you like yourself? yeah im alright enough

have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity? not like an a-lister no

how many countries have you visited? just the one ive always been in

have you ever been in a castle? no

what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? i dont think anything too special. got in front of a car w someone but it was moving slow. proceeded w my stage entrance anyways even when a curtain cue got effed up & led the Improvisation of working around it, but that was dance so nobody had any lines to change

what’s on your mind right now? hoping it tstorms really dramatically later

what’s your zodiac sign? gay

name 5 facts about yourself. my eyes are blue, my pupils dont dilate evenly coz one is a bit less dilatable, im horribly nearsighted, i can cross one eye, i have sort of a unibrow

do you believe in karma? i dont believe in not karma

ever been in love? not romantically*

whom do you admire and why? a lot of activists, im interested in activism and volunteering but have rarely been able to actually be involved in things

what was your favorite bedtime story as a child? man i dont remember having bedtime stories, i dont think i did that much after learning to read myself. i read “pat the bunny” a lot for my little brother, that one was his fave

did you make someone laugh today? i dont think so

do you believe in ghosts? ive always liked hearing about ghost shit, i am not inclined to think that everyone who says theyve had Ghost Encounters is lying, i know ppl personally who have stories who i dont think are lying and it would be presumptuous to say like “well but they probably didnt REALLY x y or z,” and yet still i am always skeptical abt the whole thing. i am agnostic abt everything ever re afterlife stuff, but again—if we’re in a horror movie haunted house situation and shits going down, im going to assume ghosts and everything ive heard about them is true and act accordingly until we’re out of there, Greg The Adamant Disbeliever can have fun dying. and catch me not messing around w ouija boards or any of that shit either...im good.

if you could go back in time which time period would you visit? visit....damn i dunno.

would you want to live forever? why/why not? i mean if other ppl are doing it to then it might be fine. but like me specifically as things are now living forever, im not much interested. someone else can have my immortality

what makes you sad? shit like, life man

was today typical? why/why not? yeah i didnt do anything interesting

who do you trust the most? i dont particularly distrust anyone but i dont really have anything i’d need to trust anyone over

what did you have for breakfast today? i didnt

do you have any regrets looking back in your life? not really

what’s your favorite fictional universe? i dont have one

favorite tv show? i dont have one

share a favorite quote. i have some but i’ll never be able to think of one on the spot

what does your ideal day look like? ahh idk. doing something fun while being around other people

do you have any hobbies? i guess drawing / writing count. theres other things but i dont do them regularly / recently

share a small random book passage that means something to you. dont have one

what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared? theres not really anything like that

do you usually date people your age or older/younger? neither

who means the world to you? why? any cat ive ever met b/c theyre angels

best books you’ve ever read? i guess i can plug the ashbury/brookfield books again

who is your favorite cartoon character? i gotta say lars dont i

coffee or tea? tea

would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved? loved but like by multiple ppl right? gimme that magnitude in Widely rather than Intensely

are you a dog or a cat person? i feel like only dog ppl consider this to be a real Binary

what is your biggest addiction? biting my lip endlessly lol

do you ever think about the galaxy? sure

what’s your favorite color? blue

do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not? nah...my sibs and i are like friendly acquaintances i guess. thatll be an abusive household i guess

are you a morning or a night person? night

have you ever dealt with a mental illness? I Guess

how would your friends describe you? uhhhh people say im funny sometimes

do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert? bit of both

what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do? i dont think i have any secrets there

describe yourself in 3 words. extremes, thoughtful, Gay

best memory as a child? idk i always liked swimming and going to pools / waterparks

what is your eye and hair color? blue / brown, respectively.

do you like crystals? theyre cool

if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? imperialism banned

what’s your hogwarts house? idk slytherin hufflepuff or smthing

biggest pet peeve? theres many..

would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet? well first i need the mythical best friend group but also can we be doing something more fun than a cocktail party

share a secret. I’ve Pooped Outside

would you rather live longer or happier? this might only be a difficult choice if it was live shorter or happier

who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why? nobody coz idk

do you wear glasses? yes

forest or river? forest

do you like exercise? its alright i dont like just straightup running though

do you like poetry? it depends on who the poet is. cishet white dudes shouldnt be allowed, for starters

any special talent that you have? i’m good at telling if lines are parallel lol

[cosaimai]

Actually, 1-170, game 😝

why do you subject me to this torture lmao 

but imma do it regardless (leaving out all the ones i’ve already answered ofc)

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

Goth of course

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

hmm i didnt play many video games when i was super young so prob bioshock infinite

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

my best friend (@lauren-pc), my fictional crushes… (lets not judge me alright, i dont have a life), does the ocean count?

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

melancholic 

9: Are you ticklish?

yes

10: Are you allergic to anything?

lavender

11: What’s your sexuality?

asexual (homoromantic)

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

tea

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

hmm prob dog bc even tho cats are adorable their fur tends to bother me since it sheds a lot more easily (which is why i love hairless cats)

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

I havent checked in a while since I don’t own a scale, but I think around 91-95lbs

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

yes

21: Are you religious?

nope lol

22: Pet peeves?

smacking, chewing w your mouth open, not using a coaster

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

nocturnal !!

24: Favorite constellation?

hmmm prob Ursa Major

25: Favorite star?

Deneb or maybe Beta Draconis

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

I am scared of all dolls, so, no

27: Any phobias or fears?

spiders & most bugs, also more specifically, dying in a sinking car

28: Do you think global warming is real?

ye

31: Do you get scared easily?

nope

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

six i think

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

11/10 :)

34: What is a color that calms you?

ocean blue ♥

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

in Washington state, preferably close to the coast

36: Where were you born?

texas

38: Introvert or extrovert?

extreme introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

ehh, they’re interesting and i do think you can apply them to people, so maybe ig

40: Hugs or kisses?

ughh i guess hugs

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

my best friend

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

again, my best friend

43: Any piercings you want?

spider bites (which i’m getting soon !!), daith, conch, maybe an industrial, maybe a nostril piercing 

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

if you can’t tell, yes lol

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so?

I don’t, the closest I’ve come is vaping bc my friend’s step brother & his friend wanted me to try his vape

48: A sound you really love?

heavy rain/thunderstorms

49: Can you do a backflip?

um lmao no

50: Can you do the splits?

I think I still have my right splits, not my left or middle tho

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

i guess I’d have to say Jake Gyllenhaal tho

53: How are you feeling right now?

i am tired

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

probably red or black, idk

55: When did you feel happiest?

probably last year, almost anytime during history class

56: Something that calms you down?

ASMR videos

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

none that are prof-dxed

58: What does your URL mean?

 oh i’ve told this tale many times on this blog, but to tell it once again: I used to go by the name Mai, and I used to be obsessed with space so cosmic+mai=mai and for some reason i made it cosaimai so basically cosmic mai mai

59: What three words describe you the most?

quiet, jaded, eccentric 

60: Do you believe in evolution?

yeah, i guess so

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

if the content is really my thing or the person running it is transphobic/homophobic/etc. 

64: Favorite animal(s):

BATS ♥♥♥

66: Favorite emoticon:

c:

67: Favorite meme:

i can’t choose just one, i mean, pretty much any meme @lauren-pc sends me is pretty high quality

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

INTP

69: What is your star sign?

Aries

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

I have two dogs and no

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

uhhh probably my new killstar bittersweet babydoll dress

72: Post a selfie or two?

i posted two yesterday sooooo….

73: Do you have platform shoes?

i do !!

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

i can cross both my eyes, as well as cross just one at a time

75: Can you do a front flip?

nope, i wish

76: Do you like birds?

ehh, they’re alright 

77: Do you like to swim?

not really

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

i do not like either, but i guess swimming

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

Donald Trump

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

Can I say Starfleet?? bc i’m gonna say Starfleet

81: Piercings you have?

none :’(

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

sleeping

83: Favorite person to talk to:

@lauren-pc

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

that it was extremely boring, and here i am almost 5 years later

85: How many followers do you have?

364

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

hell no

87: Do your socks always match?

yes, i actually specifically wear all black socks for this reason

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

ye

89: What are your birthstones?

diamond is the only one i know

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

a bat :)

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

hmmm…. this is difficult but probably like Cranesbill Geranium or smth

92: A store you hate?

Ross

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

none, coffee makes me sick :/

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

read minds

95: Do you like to wear camo?

no

96: Winter or summer?

winter i guess

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

I have no clue, but probably less than 30 secs

98: Least favorite person?

well out of the people i know personally, probably my friends boyfriend

99: Someone you look up to:

oh gosh, i have no clue

100: A store you love?

if online stores count, definitely Killstar

101: Favorite type of shoes

tbh flipflops bc I’m lazy

102: Where do you live?

Texas

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

no, i wish i had the will to be a vegetarian 

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

aura quartz 

105: Do you drink milk?

Yes, milk is great tho my mild lactose intolerance disagrees with this fact

106: Do you like bugs?

no

107: Do you like spiders?

especially no

108: Something you get paranoid about?

usually bugs crawling on me while i sleep, or someone breaking into my house while i sleep

109: Can you draw:

i can, debatable whether it’s good or not tho

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

no one tends to ask me very nosy questions

111: A question you hate being asked?

i’m open to pretty much any questions, but i guess i hate boring ones, none in specific come to mind

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

I might have been, I didn’t know whether it was a spider bite for sure or not

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

yes

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

cloudy

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

no one actually, I’m in a very touch averse mood

116: Favorite cloud type:

cirroctratus 

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

dusty pink or a darker shade of blue

118: Do you have freckles?

nah

119: Favorite thing about a person:

i don’t quite get what exactly this is asking but i guess appearance-wise, hands

120: Fruits or vegetables?

fruits

121: Something you want to do right now:

go to a lake or beach

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

ocean

123: Sweet or sour foods?

sweet

124: Bright or dim lights?

dim

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

not really, unless you count aliens 

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

all the drama

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

it’s easy to find content i enjoy

128: What do you think about the least?

i guess politics ?? i have no clue

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

“NOW AS DEAD OUTSIDE AS SHE WAS INSIDE”

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

No one comes to mind, except perhaps Donald Trump

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

my weirdness, it’s interesting but usually deters people

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

no, i hate my teeth

133: Computer or TV?

TV I suppose

134: Do you like roller coasters?

nope

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

not usually

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

attached

137: Do you believe in karma?

no 

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

4/10

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

Ry, Cosai-chan, Cosai, Mai, Rave (idk how many of those count but there ya go)

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

no

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

nope

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

uhhh…. i’ve been called a bad influence so i guess i am

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

receiving 

144: What makes you angry

people who don’t listen/don’t think i know what i’m talking about

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

just english, though i could probably manage a conversation with my poor knowledge of french

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

girls & nb people

147: Are you androgynous?

i wish

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

eyes 

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

resilience 

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

The 80s for sure

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

kinda

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

no

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

sometimes

156: What embarrasses you?

almost everything i do when I’m around people bc for some reason i can’t help but think i mess up everything i do

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

being around people

159: How many people are you following?

709

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

11, 604 on this one; 288 on my gore blog; 848 on my bpd blog

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

29; 1; 0

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

7, 244

163: Last time you cried and why:

i don’t remember

164: Do you have long or short hair?

it’s kinda in between, i guess you could say long

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

a few inches above my waist

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

i dislike it because it’s boring and kinda pointless for the most part, but to each their own

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

occasionally 

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

not really

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

nope

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

yes

[cloneslugs]

the whole venture family

for rando headcanons ur gonna get hmm a little more than anticipated sorry this is like a lot of reading..

Rusty

Sexuality Headcanon: hmm bi but he really prefers guysGender Headcanon: trans guy but not completely binaryA ship I have with said character: brock + himA BROTP I have with said character: im not gonna say Brock since i already kinda put him for romance, so i’ll go my conjectural tech boysA NOTP I have with said character: probably him & pete since thats the other pop thingA random headcanon: really wary around guns mostly bc of trauma & thats why Brock started using a knife, general social anxiety mostly stemming from being trans & also feelings of inadequacy but Brock helps w that, loves to stargaze, just really loves to go on and on about science and in a sence how beautiful the world is, doesnt sleep well most nights on account of nightmares so he usually just sits in bed or maybe paces around & checks in on his kids, hed check in on Brock but if he gets up then its a sure thing Brock is up as well, doesnt know how to quite hate his dad and it frustrates him, super lazy & whiny he tries to get Brock to carry him everywhere bc what are boyfriends & bodyguards for, cant stand watching his cartoon, never laughs at the stories that Team Venture tells & doesnt understand why other people do, good friends with Sheila, shes pretty secretive about her life & all but he feels like she gets him, hes actually cool w Malcolm & figures hes just kinda annoying, loves his kids more than anything in the world, suicidal since he was a young teen probably, flirted w Brock ALL the time when he first got him, hates loud noises & cant sleep through thunderstorms, babies his kids endlessly, he loves to talk and talk and talk but most people shut him down as a kid w that so hes afraid to now, REALLY LOVES DOGS, his family is such a saving grace he doesnt understand why they love him so much but they do and he wishes he could be better for them, his family really rekindled the warped sense of family he had growing up, General Opinion over said character: i love him i love him more than anything he is such a comfort character i love him i love him

Hank 

Sexuality Headcanon: bi/pan he doesnt care what you call itGender Headcanon: nb trans boyA ship I have with said character: sirena !!!A BROTP I have with said character: Dean ofcA NOTP I have with said character: hmm idk idk any other decent hank pairings unless u demons want me to step in ugly territoryA random headcanon: he came out a few years before Dean did !! constantly calls Brock dad much to his annoyance, partly as a joke & partly bc he really does consider Brock his dad, unapologetically trans & not het he probably is the loudest & proudest in the family, hates vegetables, eats dry cereal as a snack, really into cryptids, hates bananas, doesnt know how to sit still, always excited and on the move, hes probably the most comfortable socially in the family, loves to treat Dean as if hes his actual baby brother, considers basically anyone whos a good friend as family, prefers dogs to cats, really flexible and is constantly climbing on things, he really likes monkeys, stays out of the DC or Marvel debate he just likes Batman, he knows how to catch squirrels and birds and it really freaks his parents out, hes planned his parents wedding since he was like 6 w Dean and ya boys are waiting, very affectionate and cuddly, loves to just sit w his family, likes to help Brock w chores but he sucks, totally thinks Brock could beat Batman in a fight, wants to start a family band but brock called that lame, likes to squish bugs but only if they are small, hates long trips especially when he has to sit still or everyone else stopped talking, really good at random talents he looked up online & thought were cool, the best hugger in the familyGeneral Opinion over said character: lovely lovely boy !!!! love him love him !!!! beautiful smile would give anything for him!!!!

Brock

Sexuality Headcanon: unpop opinion time but hmm very gayGender Headcanon: nb & uses he/him A ship I have with said character: rusty & him !!!A BROTP I have with said character: shoreleave ?A NOTP I have with said character:  womenA random headcanon: he’s mentally ill but pretty subtle w it and all, hes pretty anxious and paranoid esp involving the Venture’s safety, he doesnt sleep well bc he is a very light sleeper & also he just. cant do it very easily, really poor sleep schedule he only gets to bed after the Ventures are asleep and he checks security & maybe gets a few chores out of the way like dishes or smth & he always wakes up way early before the ventures, trust issues mostly from years of OSI work & esp from Molotov constantly backstabbing him, Doc is v important to him bc he is a big source of trust but also comfort he always knows how to calm Brock down, actually very shy he hates crowds & doesnt like talking  to people, really into fashion & stuff but doesnt get into bc Mr Blood On Everything, way into poetry, hes always felt so rough and tumble like all hes supposed to do is hurt other people and go out and be on the attack bc thats kinda the mindset he was raised with w a shitty stepdad and other people in his small hometown and he thoughts thats all he would be thats why he joined football even though he didnt care for it & thats why he loves the Iron Giant & why protecting the Ventures is so important bc he can keep things safe and have a sweet family and be gentle for once in his life, he fell for Rusty first,cat person, knows nothing abt Jonas & his Team, in a constant fued w Action Man esp just bc the dude is a dick & awful, really emotionally detached & generally apathetic outside the Ventures but he wishes he wasnt, he doesnt know how to talk about himself & his emotions or anything that really goes on in his head, he finds OSI work really draining and mehhh not his thing but he feels like its kinda cool so he does it, leaving after the family slays together is like his biggest regret and makes him feel really guilty & hes not good at forgiving himself for lots of things but especially that, he used to not care about dying before he met the ventures, the family is basically his anchor, he has a very detached idea of Self & Who He Is personally, hes impulsive to the point of suicide mostly bc hes not a good thinker in heavy situations and he has trouble wrapping his head around things,very sentimental w the family, he flusters really easy bc romance is not his strong suit and its kinda a new ballgame for him, decent cook, really bad at math but good at memorizing things about other people and random facts, he would rather die before he lets those ventures get a papercutGeneral Opinion over said character: hmm one tough dude

Dean

Sexuality Headcanon: gay !!! Gender Headcanon: trans guyA ship I have with said character: Jared !!!A BROTP I have with said character: hank !!!!A NOTP I have with said character: hmmm idrk !!! not a lot of pickings lolA random headcanon: even tho his family is LGBT he still has really bad anxiety about it, socially anxious & bad at eye contact, loves to collect stuffed animals, kisses frogs when he finds them so maybe theyll turn into a prince he still does this even when hes older but in secret, really loves disney movies, social dysphoria makes him nervous w dating, doesnt like to pick a favorite animal even though its giraffes, but doesnt like to get in the debate of cats v dogs even though he prefers cats, crybaby like the rest of his family, babied by everyone else and he kinda hates it, brock loves them equally but he especially babied dean when they were little, mostly bc him & dean were Venture Safety Patrol and always trying to keep the others from doing something dumb or dangerous, likes to garden & keep plants but hes really forgetful so Brock either has to take over or they die, cries during horror movies, big hand holder, gets frustrated with himself really easily especially growing up, likes to paint nails, smells every flower & pets every animal he can get his hands on, cant handle when people argue w him or w each other, took him a while to realize he was gay and now its really confusing and frustrating for him so he kinda ignores it as much as he can, only comfy wearing short sleeves around his family, best at making flower crowns, loves to style Brocks hair, cant go to bed unless he kisses everyone goodnight, really bad at paying attention he daydreams a lot, collects feathers, gets drained easily in most situations, the king of platonic kisses, likes to color, most comfy around his family & they know hot to take care of him the best, overwhelmed easily, smiles at dogs he sees being walked, refuses to kill spiders or bugs, scared of big bugs but makes Brock put them outside, if its cute he wants it, cant skip rocks even though brock & hank try to teach him, when hes overwhelmed he sits w his family, really bad balance, probably the Venture that gets the most hugs & kisses but its a close raceGeneral Opinion over said character: trying & tired