#(this really makes me hope they don't use tumblr because i'll die if they ever see this list)

[mogoce-nocoj]

Spent some time compiling my favourite bokris fics and here they are! This turned out to be rather long because I wrote little descriptions for every fic as well as why I liked them <3

Kisses by applegrass23 I think the first fic on ao3 that solely focuses on Bokris and the one that got me into this ship because while it's angsty and unrequited, I loved the focus on Kris and it's so well written. My heart broke but I loved it so much.

Pink by cursed_throwaway Explicit. Power dynamics and humiliation and a focus on Kris's 🍑. Definitely not everyone's cup of tea, I liked it though.

we don't talk about it anymore by vanvanvanvan Bokris get-together fic with eventual breakup (their “creative differences”) only they don't get back together as a band afterwards. They meet up again eventually and try figuring it out, loved their dynamic and the focus on early bokris.

measured intervals of absence by Anonymous Fell in love with this one. I'd call it a rather experimental narrative, with Bojan trying to negotiate his changing feelings toward Kris and the anxiety he feels. Beautifully written. Very poetic.

(go on) Leave me breathless by Anonymous Explicit. Choking kink negotiations. One of the best bokris dynamics. They're just so loving and the trust they have is beautiful and also, yeah, the choking kink.

Release from the What happens on the bus stays on the bus - Tour Drabble Collection by Anonymous Explicit. Kris has a rough time, Bojan makes him feel better. Sweet and full of comfort and trust.

Ko me tvoj objem zakriva (When I'm in your arms) by Anonymous Longfic, finished. Favourite bokris fic I've ever read but be prepared for a 60k slowburn. Follows Kris from first meeting Bojan to meeting Jan, joining Joker Out and falling in love with Bojan along the way. Includes a lot of references to the band's history such as Kris and Bojan's first meeting, their break, writing vse kar vem, Martin leaving etc. Has my absolute favourite Kris characterisation, addresses his need for control and anxiety moments. His eventual realisation that falling in love with Bojan was inevitable for him as well as him and Bojan figuring out what to do with it really hit me hard, personally. If you like slowburn you will be rewarded with the most beautiful scenes at the end because they're SO sweet to each other and made me cry. If you mention this fic to me I probably won't stop talking about it.

Breakfast by ludolefebvre Coffeeshop AU. Trigger for Kris depression episode. Bojan is the cute server who tries to get through to him. Loved the focus on Kris and Bojan's puppy behaviour, even if it's an AU.

I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight by JuliaBaggins @occhi-verdi-come-il-mare Perfectly encapsulates the post-Stožice high everyone was feeling. Mentions our favourite Kris Stožice outfit and Bojan and him working out their feelings for each other. Their dynamic is beautifully written and I particularly loved how Kris acted in this one <3

Interregnum by Nothing_Rhymes_With_0range Deals with Bojan trying to deal with his feelings after Martin has left the band and finding his solution in Kris. They're so unsure in this but also very sweet and yeah. They'll figure it out, as long as they have each other.

K is for Kind by Calli_Thaala Bojan and Kris finding adjectives for each other. Short, sweet, captures their dynamic perfectly.

Be My Baby by zojassparkle Longfic, finished. One of the best bokris longfic out there, following a pining Kris discovering himself and eventually realising that his feelings might not actually be unrequited after all.

Slap Your Tall Friend Day by Calli_Thaala Peak annoying Bojan. Joker Out's dynamic is also absolutely hilarious. Enjoyed reading it a lot.

that song doesn't have distortion by honey_and_venom 5+1, Soulmate AU, ongoing. Kris is Bojan's soulmate but they Do Not Talk About It. Loved the idea of their first words being their soulmarks and how sometimes you need a lot of time to really see one another because life and relationships are difficult.

The Space Between by SamePlaceandTime @reserved-fruit Post-Thailand fic dealing with all the Bokris moments we've seen lately. It's them slowly discovering that they might be ready to push their boundaries a bit further than just friendship and it's full of sweetness and comfort <3

Speaking of, special shoutout to @reserved-fruit's bokris fic prompt series, here on tumblr and here on ao3. I haven't managed to read all of them yet but I particularly liked Eat the Damn Soup and The One Where They're Found Out.

[yuurivoice]

Hi yv! I just wanted to send a message saying how much I love your content and I have for years. It's been amazing to see your channel grow and I'm one of your biggest fans!! I used to sub to the patreon but life goes hard and I haven't been able to for a while. The latest auron video has been practically on repeat for me and I really just wanted to say I hope you have a wonderful day and happy holidays!!! Give all the kitties a kiss on the forehead for me pls!

Thank you for the kind words! No worries about whether or not you're a Patreon sub, I certainly appreciate the support but always want people to put themselves first so don't sweat that and I hope you kick life's ass! Also, sending me a kind message is a pretty great way to support in its own right, so I'm genuinely appreciative!

The cats will most definitely be smooched, and I'll pass along a note that it's from a kind Anon!

It's been a wild few years, huh? Making the leap from the Tumblr days to the YouTube era was a big one, but the past 4 years were where I really started to find my footing and I think there's been a lot of growth creatively and personally.

Things have been moving in the right direction despite some personal road bumps and detours. Looking back, there's a lot of things I wish I could have accomplished and kept afloat while working through everything. Still dealing with the guilt of BitterSweet and Shattered not being a thing this year, particularly for all the ride or die Alphonse and Seth fans who have been starving for content while I've been hesitant to push out content for them because the big series wasn't coming.

Thankfully, most people have been supportive, kind, and understanding. That being said, I'm not ignorant to the nature of my content (growing roster of characters = someone's fave isn't getting posted for a while) and I'm doubly thankful to those who have been chill as other characters get established and have their time in the sun.

I'm really hopeful that in the coming year, balance and scheduling and planning are all finely tuned and help me avoid content traffic jams like we've run into such as the recent Charlie Era (lol) which wasn't exactly the plan, but with October AU series + Plushie + Lost & Found all aligning it sorta just worked out that way. Also, it bears mentioning that it's not every day that a side character who was not guaranteed to catch on as A Thing (TM) actually finds an audience and has significant demand. Sometimes you gotta roll with how things play out, and that's just the nature of creating content on social media.

I'm optimistic that things will be at least a LITTLE bit more balanced thanks to ADHD treatment and seeing huge improvements with my mental health. Which can't be understated, because holy shit, the amount of things I'm just able to do without feeling like I'm holding myself at gunpoint or making a million deals with myself to convince myself to do a single task is amazing.

Not only is it easier to get to work, it's easier to do more of the work. That Auron audio you referenced is a great example. I was worried with the script I had and the premise, I wouldn't be able to get much more than 9/10 minutes out of it. The length of my general audios is something I've been conscious of forever, so I was shocked and thrilled when I finished up with the recording and it was 24 minutes of some of my favorite Auron content ever. I'm getting more comfortable improvising, or creating more as I go vs. write, record, post. I'm able to do a little more, add things that I would normally omit or not bother with, and just try harder without feeling like I'm trying harder and purely because I'm enjoying it and I want to.

I am SO sorry that this turned into a rant in response to what was a fairly straightforward question, you caught me while I was feeling introspective.

tldr: Thanks for fuckin' with me. Folks like you make me want to work hard and deliver the goods. The kindness goes a long way, and I don't take that for granted!

[sonickinhelp]

Happy New Year! Updates and housekeeping

Everyone who is still here, thank you for your support through the radio silence as this blog has been going through all the difficulty we've all come to expect from the 2020s.

I am still the only active mod. I didn't actually realize how long it had been since anyone else posted -- two years now. I have finally lost contact with Mods Silver and Whisper and their system. Don't worry, I know they're okay, and I'm glad they've gotten comfortable living openly and authentically as a system and are doing what makes them happy.

The main blog they used to create this blog has been abandoned for two years, and even back then it was clear that they were abandoning it permanently. So even though their account is still an admin on this blog, they don't actually have access to it anymore. At some point they deleted the discord server. I'm not sure when that was.

Besides them, there are still three other admins on this blog. I'm pretty sure none of them are ever going to post here again.

So, I'm doing something I didn't want to do, because I kept hoping that I wasn't really the last one left here. I'm going to consider myself as the primary owner of this blog from here on out and do a reboot. If former admins (especially Silver) come back and get upset at me for this, I'm truly sorry. I just can't bear to see this blog gasp and die like this anymore.

What this reboot entails

Immediately after posting this, I'm going to start fiddling with the blog layout. I'm not as good with tumblr themes as the one who set the blog up, and I don't want to break anything, so I'm probably not going to mess with it much. But I'm going to clean out all the old outdated information. I might also delete a nav page or two that don't make sense to have anymore.

I'm going to clean out the askbox and trigger-tag list. I hate to do it, but it's time to start fresh. If you have a request that hasn't been done and you still want it, send it in again. If you have a trigger you still need tagged, send it in again. (The old trigger-tag list was stored on the discord, so I don't have access to it anymore anyway.)

I'm going to rewrite the rules, FAQ, and pinned post. There's a good chance I won't change them much, but I just want to make sure they're accurate to the limitations and boundaries that exist now, and that's gonna be different from when the blog was created.

And, most importantly, I'm going to take on some new mods. I'll have to figure out a way for us to communicate besides a discord server (I'm over the 100-server limit and I don't have money for Nitro anymore) but this was never a blog I could effectively manage completely on my own. I want to have a team again, so everyone can have their requests done in days instead of months.

Thank you all again for your support. I'm glad that, despite everything, this blog is still here.

[calpalsworld]

So the behind the scenes for Pizza Tower is literally the worst. The creator is literally the worst. If i was in the same room as someone like this I would probably become a killer. Other fans have already said their opinions, basically "I get why people like the game but I can't engage with it anymore" etc. That's pretty much how I'm feeling. I feel disgusted and betrayed and it hurts to remember something I like about the game, and then remember it was made by these dangerous people. Maybe at some point if I do get the urge to draw the characters again, maybe I'll put a huge DNI banner that says "fuck bigots die mcpig" or something. But I need a bit to think about if thats a good decision or not... I feel like its not... On one hand I want to say "I'm gonna take the good parts of this game and make it what the creator hates" but I also have no clue if thats a good idea, and I need a while to think about it.

One BIG THING I'm asking of everyone, and I may make another post asking this question later, is does anyone know any Pizza Tower alternatives??? Any media that is cartoony and simple and crazy and well animated? I really wish I could find something that had the things I liked in Pizza Tower. Please comment or send me an ask if you have any suggestions.

Anyway heres some PERSONAL thoughts that are NOT as important:

I feel disappointed in myself for noticing problematic character designs from the start and convincing myself that maybe the bigotry was unintentional, that it was just a negative side effect of being inspired by other (bigoted) things. It was obviously not. I should've known it was intentional.

A lot of people have been saying "Pizza Tower being problematic was obvious due to the art style," which is partially true, but at the same time that makes me really sad. My first exposure to the game was my friend saying "this looks like something you would make!" And I've been fucking obsessed with the art style ever since. For those who don't know, I used to be an exclusively "shitpost" artist, which I REALLY enjoyed, and art college has made me more and more corporate. So sadly.... Pizza Tower made me feel connected to how I used to draw and create art. I was really happy to see such a creative and unconventional art style that is like my own thriving with popularity, and I liked to imagine that maybe the creator was similar to me (he is not). Lately I've started saying "I'm not gonna make sanitized art anymore I'm gonna only make crazy stuff" and yeah that was literally because of... Pizza Tower.... which has been revealed to be made by the worst people ever.... (so yeah lmk if you guys have any recommended alternatives).

Last thing is I think it has been cool how Peppino has become an iconic ass trans-headcanoned character for a lot of tumblr. So I guess thats the reason why I most likely won't judge anyone for drawing Pizza Tower. We got something awesome going that was our own thing. But you have to remember McPig is also a racist, and trans headcanons don't do anything to fight against that.

I just hope the people who will continue to draw art to spite McPig's intentions openly acknowledge how fucked up the game's creation is, and don't promote the game. If you continue being a Pizza Tower fan please at least be self-aware and adamantly against the creator. Like post a link to pirate the game along with every time you post art of it or something to counteract your inherent promotion of the game, idk. Don't let bigots get away with being popular. That is dangerous.

TLDR:;

No more Pizza Tower for me, at least for a while, if I do ever post something Pizza Tower-related again it will be staunchly anti-Pizza Tower. Someday, I hope to create something like fun and silly like Pizza Tower, but antifascist. Also, new hyperfixation recommendations that are similar to Pizza Tower strongly encouraged, thank you!

[noisyballofvoidmuffin]

I finally started reading Good Omens (NO SPOILERS! I've already spoiled myself enough.) and this is so far (59 pages) one of the best things I've read. It's so clever and fun, and I must have left a dozen "hehe" notes on the sides of my book (in pencil. I only just started writing in books and I would die before I used any sort of ink that could seep into or smudge on the pages.).

What I can't stop thinking about though, is that one woman who named her sons, I think twins?, Crowley and Aziraphale. Because, alright, my opinions may be a tad skewed bc I started being interested bc Tumblr and tiktok have bombarded me with details about these two from the show (Tumblr also some book stuff) that gave me some preconceptions but,,,,

Lady, how did you not notice that this could be interpreted as like, romantic? They have the most 'married couple' vibes on multiple occasions.

Spoilers under the cut! I go on a gush.

They are hilarious.

"Well I'll be damned"/"It's not too bad when you get used to it"

The start of this book, ugh, and yes, I'm back to the book now, this is my book rant and I'll take it to whatever direction my brain wants to, the fucking, the song choice for the Bentley to play!! It's so clever!!

"It wasn't a dark and stormy night. / It should have been, but that's the weather for you. For every mad scientist who's had a convenient thunderstorm just on the night his Great Work is finished and lying on the slab, there have been dozens who've sat around aimlessly under the peaceful stars while Igor clocks overtime."

And later on fucking BOHEMIAN PHAPSODY PLAYS- excellent music choice btw- AND IT'S SO GOOD

They it should've been a stormy night and just the EXACT PASSAGE OF THE SONG TALKING OF THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING PLAYS OUT RIGHT AFTER STAN GETS OFF THE RADIO-

The pacing and detail work is just phenomenal in this book, PHENOMENAL

"For Americans and other aliens" (paraphrasing) had me chuckling out loud. Been identified an alien.

There's at least 3 doodles of snake Crowley I've drawn in the book so far.

Also the bit about this being the most repaired book? I would've died of that was any of my books, grieving, but I admire all of these people so much. The sheer DEDICATION!!

Really hoping I get this book signed at some point, even if I just about die of anxiety and embarrassment if I ever get the chance.

Also, it took me, honestly, way too long to recognize David Tennant played Crowley in the series/ the bits of the series I've been force-fed by tiktok and Tumblr. Not because I'm blind to faces (partially, maybe) but because it took a whole fucking slideshow with both Crowley and The Doctor from doctor who for me to realise it's the same DAMN ACTOR!! LIEK, I KNEW I NO GOOD AT RECOGNIZING ACTORS BETWEEN ROLES IF I HAVEN'T SEEN MULTIPLE THINGS THEY'VE BEEN ON AND REMEMBERED THEM AS THE CHARACTER THEY'VE PLAYED TO THEN MAYBE UPGRADE ONTO KNOWING THEIR NAMES LIKE CHRIS EVANS AND HUGH JACKMAN BUT COME ON! My brother was laughing at me for that. How do people just, recognize others without the set context they were in at the time?

Anyhow. Back to this BRILLIANT BOOK!!!

Crowley is like, so me coded.

Wasn't feeling Crawly, changed it to Crowley. Only man-shaped, not man.

I too, wasn't feeling my og name and changed it slightly while it's still based on the first one, and am only human-shaped.

There's too much going on in my brain and I forget my vessel is a human being at some points, purely because I don't see the vessel as who I am.

Anywho,

I have in fact just noted 'Transphobe' next to the bit where Crowley is handed the Antichrist and has to sign a damn thing like it's a post package and told "Not [Name you literally chose for yourself, A. J. Crowley], your real name." mostly for myself because I'm funny like that, and bc it's my book copy, not because I don't understand the significance of "true names" or whatever. Sigil names, now those are cool. I'd make me one if I didn't feel like it'd be more intricately connected to me and in turn more vulnerable.

This book. This book I swear-

I've had such a hard time reading printed books after so long reading only fanfics online and this? This is perfect. It reads like the most fun fanfic I've ever read.

Like that one dp x DC fic where Danny wanted a grimace shake and it was spilt on the road or sth even if he said it was mediocre.

The brilliance of Crowley's sinventions (hehe) are so good.

I have doodled 👀 over Hastur saying he tempted a priest. Because I somehow didn't expect it.

This is comedy to me. I adore it.

The footnotes too. The one about the added verses where God asks Aziraphale where his sword is 😭 and that literally everyone recognized his handwriting as the one who added them in 😭😭😭😭

This is gold, man. Exactly what I needed to get back into physical reading. My eyes could for sure use a break from my phone.

Also, the little tongue my book has as a built in bookmark? Bring that back. Bring books with that feature back. I love this thing so much. Even my school books had it when I was younger, WHERE IS IT NOW?? HAVING MY OWN BOOKMARK IS ALL FINE AND DANDY BUT THIS IS ELEGANT, AND PRETTY, AND PRACTICAL, COME ON!

End rant uwu <3 I must sleep

[tssidesfics]

The Dreaded Fight Scene - Some Lesser-Heard Advice

A short list of what this post will include:

Perspective Problems

Decent Advice About Paragraph Length

Semi-Nuanced Advice about Sentence Length (Featuring: Either It's Boring or Somebody Could Die [again with actual nuance])

The Most Evil Antagonist: Suddenly (AKA Really Short Advice)

Death to All Adverbs

For the Love of God Stop Using Adjectives In the Place of Nouns

Verbs Should Punch Your Reader As Much As Your Characters

Immerse Me (Sensory, Sensory, Sensory)

Pacing (God help me)

Don't Write Like It's a Movie Because It Isn't (and writing like that means it never will be)

Keeping It Interesting (Featuring: Mix It Up, Advantages Should Be Temporary Until Asses Are Thoroughly Whooped, Cause Many Problems On Purpose and Hope Your Characters Are Smart Enough to Get Out, and If You've Got a Good Plot Twist Sic 'Em)

In case you can't tell I'm trying to be suave and charming and funny like a first person narrator titling their chapters with sarcasm (which is a trope I learned from Percy Jackson I have not fallen out of love with, even though I've fallen out of love with that particular series).

I am not a popular blog. As far as I know no popular blogs follow me. This will probably land with a thud. One day I will probably dredge up this post from the unnavigable dredges of Tumblr (watch Tumblr have finally gone extinct by then), pretty it up, and post it on a website I make specifically for writing advice and my original fiction once that exists. However, for now, I bless you with this that will likely be a complete dud. May the few souls who see it glean something valuable from it.

Disclaimer: I am not a published author. I've just been told I'm good at this. Do with that what you will.

Without further ado (God save me):

Perspective Problems

If you're writing from a third-person omniescent style (your narrator describes all characters in the third person (she/he/they/it/various neopronouns) and they know everything that is going on from every character's perspective), then I'll be honest: I do not know how to give you advice. From here on out this advice will be most applicable to limited perspectives--narrator fixed to one character's perceptions at a time. I write almost exclusively in third person limited and first person narrative; I have very little practice with omniscient perspectives, and the practice I do have either didn't have fight scenes or didn't care much about fight scenes because they weren't the point of the story. I also don't read a lot of omniscient perspectives--I have yet to make it all the way through The Lord of the Rings trilogy, although I really liked The Hobbit. That also didn't care about conflict much, and cared more about humor than maintaining tension. So I'm gonna stick to what I know. Like I said, I am not a master word smith. I have not studied every facet of this craft, I am not the most qualified to be writing this post.

That all being said, hopefully I can still help you.

Let's get the mundane, everyday, boring shit out of the way first.

Paragraph Length

Why am I starting here and not on sentence advice even though that might make more logical sense? Because I find this infinitely more important than sentence length.

My advice for paragraph length boils down to one thing: you want your single-sentence paragraphs to pack a punch.

Which means: on average, your paragraphs should be at least three sentences long. In a fight scene, I would say don't let them exceed five sentences unless it's a super-duper special paragraph, and even then that might be pushing it. (This advice may conflict for you: if you want single-sentence paragraphs to pack a punch but your sentences should be short in fight scenes, then don't you have to have paragraphs longer than five sentences? Yeah, wait for the second piece of advice.)

The reason? Single-line paragraphs are incredibly powerful. Have you ever read something where it was going along normally and then they suddenly smack you in the face with a single sentence or a single line, the shorter the better? One of those paragraphs that completely changes the tone or direction of a scene? A realization that shakes the foundation the MC built their world upon, a decisive defeat or miraculous victory, an irreparable betrayal, a plot twist that rattles you and the protagonists to their core. You remember the power in that?

You completely forfeit that power if your paragraphs are too short. And that can be very effective in a fight scene if you use it wisely.

Look elsewhere for advice on how exactly to determine when you need to change paragraphs. All I'll say is: walls of text are an accessibility nightmare, and for the love of Neil Gaiman new speakers get their own paragraphs.

Sentence Length

Actually, your sentences should not all be two or three words long. That actually takes your pacing and readability into the sewer, and not on an epic gross adventure. Anyone who tells you all your sentences should be short in a fight scene is either lying to you or leaving off a significant chunk of nuance.

Let me show you an example of "keep sentences short" taken to its logical conclusion without nuance.

He lunged. She parried. It almost caught her. He leapt over the divide. She stumbled back. He slashed her leg. She cried out. She punched him in the nose. He wiped away blood. She swiped for his neck. He dodged.

That is unbearably monotonous, and that was with me instinctively adding more nuance and variability to the fight.

Now then, that is not to say you should make action lengthy or wordy. However:

He lunged. She barely caught it in time, her own blade cool and stinging against her side. She tried to hold her ground, but another slash gave him opportunity to leap their divide. She stumbled back, searching for something else to put between them without taking her eyes off him.

He lunged for her again. She was too slow to parry the gash to her leg. White-hot pain erupted from the wound, blood gushing hot to the ground as she screamed, but she channeled that pain into her fist, slamming it into his nose with all the might she had.

He wiped away the blood with a snarl, but more poured behind it. She tried to take his head, but he dodged it too easily. She wasn't going to leave here with her life if she didn't think of something soon.

(Note I used several different techniques we'll get into for that last excerpt, but all of those are difficult to use if you stick to the advice of short sentences relentlessly.)

Which brings me to:

Either It's Boring or Somebody Could Die

This advice should not be taken literally. It is possible to have a fight scene where the stakes aren't "somebody could die." It could be someone's pride. It could be the respect of a mentor or trusted friend. It could be the interest of a romantic partner for all I care (although except in rare instances I find any sort of "fighting for the love interest" distasteful and toxic).

What should become clear to you: stakes are very, very hard to establish if your sentences are too short. Furthermore, emotion and sensory experiences are extremely hard to insert with short sentence length. Your fight scene lives and dies on whether the reader feels like its stakes are imminent; a fun sparring match is just not going to be interesting, no matter what you do. Unless you're inserting a plot twist about how the opponent is actually trying to kill them while maintaining the plausible deniability of "it was just an accident!" let it establish its point with character or world-building and then move on. (Fighting lessons count toward both, as far as I'm concerned, so as long as it's doing that you're fine.)

Another thing you should notice about the above excerpt: the protagonist is consistently losing. More on that in a bit.

The Most Evil Antagonist: "Suddenly"

Just cut it. If you're doing everything else right cut it. You do not need it. It contributes nothing. It does not make things more clear, it just slows down your pacing. Cut it.

Death to All Adverbs

This is pretty average advice, and it should be applied to everything you write, but for the love of God use barely any adverbs in your fight scenes. Avoid them everywhere at all costs but they will only screw up your pacing. Pick a better verb, and if there is not a better verb then you're forfeiting the reader understanding exactly what is in your head to tell a better story. Sometimes you've got to do that as a writer: it is impossible to make them see it happen in front of them like they're watching a movie (which is another thing we'll get into). Just focus on the pacing.

If you can really, really stand there and justify that adverb, then I respect you. But very, very few. Very few. Make 'em count.

For the Love of God Stop Using Adjectives in the Place of Nouns

This goes to my fanfic writers (who admittedly make up a predominant amount of my reading material anymore because gifted kid burnout is real).

No "the anxious man," "the blonde girl," "the bubbly friend" or whatever. I read Sanders' Sides fanfiction and I feel personally affronted by the words "the anxious side." They've committed war crimes against me personally and I will sue for emotional damages.

Unless your narrator does not know the character's name or you have not revealed their name yet, you should not be using adjectives in the subject of your sentence. Full-stop. It screws readability all to hell. It's confusing. It's cliche and annoying. Either it serves a demonstrable purpose in the scene or you need to use a name.

And if you're worried about names getting repetitious, to a large extent they're like "said." They will largely disappear in the reader's mind except to establish who the rest of the sentence is referring to. You wouldn't feel that way about pronouns, you shouldn't feel much worse about names.

(Obviously description is different and oftentimes you will preface a noun with an adjective then, as well as some other instances. Mostly, your writing decisions should be deliberate. If you cannot justify it, then really ask yourself why you're doing it.)

Verbs Should Punch Your Reader As Much As the Characters

We touched on this in "Death to All Adverbs," but your verbs should pack a punch in a fight scene. I won't exhaust the subject here, but there are multiple lists online of verbs and other parts of syntax useful for fight scenes. I recommend going through them--and recognizing your internal reaction to them. Certain words are going to create a more intense reaction--"crack" versus "break," "wound" versus "gash," "jostle" versus "jerk." Obviously you start getting into what exactly those words mean, but if the more visceral option works for your scene, it will probably improve it.

Immerse Me

Some good practice: before the fight starts, or in a lull in the action, describe your setting. You don't have to describe every facet of it. Focus primarily on parts relevant to the scene or plot; throw in a couple fun facts that don't take up too much time so you can keep your reader from guessing every twist and turn. And then use your setting. White room fights are boring. Use the space. Have characters switch out on the high ground (in one-on-one fights that's basically useless, if it isn't more advantageous to have the low ground, but changing angles changes dynamics). If a character is disarmed, let them use something in their environment. Kick dust into your enemy's eyes. Throw things at them. Eat up your scenery. It will help, but to do that your reader needs to know what things look like first, or using that environment in the fight is gonna feel like deus ex machina after deus ex machina.

Don't stop at the visual aspects of the scenery, though. Tap into every sensation your narrator has. Taste, smell, hearing, sight, touch. Even their kinesthetics (how they feel their orientation in the space they're occupying). It suddenly gets a lot harder to fight when you're dizzy (though not impossible--I had a temporary disability that made me chronically dizzy for about two years, and I continued training in Kung Fu in that time; accommodations were needed and my Si Gong and classmates had to be made of the problem in case something went wrong, but I was still able to do it). That's a great way to keep your character on the back foot, depending on how dizzy you make them. Temper it, though--if they're badly concussed and the world is spinning so badly they puke, they're not going to be able to defend themselves.

To a (limited) extent, feeding your sensory information through the character's emotions will also strengthen the prose. Don't go overboard on this because you will grind the pacing to a halt.

Speaking of pacing:

Pacing

(God help me)

This video is better than anything I'm going to give you here, and it tells you what to do on a plot level, too. Pacing is impossible to explain and I hardly understand it myself. Frankly I don't think I'm that good at it.

However, that video isn't specific to fight scenes, and I'm going to try to give you some satisfactory advice for writing fight scenes with strong pacing. Bear with me.

First off: if your fight scene is short, then keep it quick. No adverbs, sharp verbs, pretty short sentences, and then move on.

But here's the thing: short fight scenes are boring.

There's no time to establish stakes. There's no time to feel like the narrator is losing. There's no time to gnaw your fingernails off and cuss passionately at the page. It also doesn't feel all that much worth it. Your fight scenes should all have an impact on the plot and if it genuinely doesn't need to be long to serve its role in the plot, that's fine but if you want to write fight scenes that are engaging and epic, they need to be longer.

Part of that is going to be keeping it interesting, which we'll get to in a minute. But another huge part is varying your pacing.

Generally, fight scenes should be fast. Your reader should be trying to read as much as they can as fast as possible because they're worried they're gonna die. But a fast pace for too long gets tiring; when you're going for a run, you don't sprint for the whole way. You sprint for a few seconds, then jog, then sprint again. Pace in a fight scene is going to be the inverse of that balance--it will be predominantly fast-paced with short breathers, but you should still give your reader moments to collect themselves.

Now there is a type of fight (that is absolutely impossible to write) that is incredibly effective and maintains a fast pace for pages upon pages upon pages. If your antagonist is absolutely unstoppable--everything the MCs can throw at them only slows them down, and they keep coming--then you can create a very engaging horror atmosphere of stress. However, then the pace is going to be more middling--it's not as ruthless or sharp or quick like it is when both parties are trying to win as quickly as possible because losing could mean death. This is a character who knows they are not going down any time soon. They aren't in a rush. They're persistent, but they don't need to hurry. Think The Terminator or Predator.

High tension also leads to more intense pacing. We'll touch more on tension later.

Don't Write It Like a Movie Because It Isn't (and it never will be if you write like that)

This is coming from someone who was a master at making fight scenes immensely boring. I'm a black belt, and for years and years I wanted to channel my lessons into my fiction. And there is a way to do it, but it is not with blow-by-blow narrative. If your characters are wailing on each other with swords, most attacks and defenses in that fight are going to be very routine.

I'm going to try to give you a solid understanding of what to skip or summarize and what to dramatize. This will likely not be exhaustive.

First thing you want to keep: shifts to the status quo. If something changes in the dynamics of the fight--someone gets or loses an advantage, new challenges arise, someone's (especially your perspective character) injured, scenery shifts--then definitely include that. Otherwise the resolution is going to come out of nowhere.

It's also good to include anything that increases tension--AKA your reader's and character's stakes in the fight, or how close they are to losing. Monotony does not help this--again, blow-by-blow is useless.

See this example of a blow-by-blow:

I lunged for his thigh. He blocked with a clang that shook through my arm. He swiped for my knees and I dodged. He moved for my neck; I parried; he tried again and I parried. I advanced with a lunge; he retreated but pushed me back with a slash the next minute.

Imagine that continuing for several more paragraphs, as opposed to:

Sweat poured down my neck, into my eyes as my sword weighed heavy in my hand, each block shuddering through me. I panted, struggling to see, struggling not to block out from lack of oxygen because every parry, every lunge, every attack just wore me down further. If something didn't change soon I wouldn't be able to go on. I was losing. More blows rained; I held my ground. But none of that would make a difference if the exhaustion thickening in my veins did me in before it did him.

The latter doesn't bog itself down in minutiae; what matters is how the character is faring in the fight, how close they are to losing. Obviously this would be interspersed with described action, but just for the back and forth, focus on how the exhaustion is getting to your character. How the pain is affecting them. Establish what's at stake if they lose and focus on status-quo changes.

There is a way to utilize monotony well, but it's through an emotional lens. If your character is disillusioned with violence, has done this a thousand times and is just tired, then blow-by-blow within reason communicates that numbness really well. There's no emotion behind their side of the fight; they don't feel the stakes. This is how it's always been, what they can't escape. But still, use it sparingly. It gets boring fast.

Also, don't use technical names for any fighting moves. They do not translate to most readers and between martial arts. Use words everyone is going to understand, and if you can't find ones sharp or quick enough, pick the closest you can that maintains pacing and settle for your readers not perfectly understanding everything that happens precisely as it does in the scene.

Keeping It Interesting

Here's where we enter the arena I am really actually scared of. This is also the part I cannot find any advice for anywhere on the internet: in a prolonged fight scene, how do you keep it engaging?

Let's take this piece by piece.

Mix It Up

Constantly switch up the dynamics of the fight. What weapons are they fighting with? Wound them, take away advantages. Change up the setting if you can. Add advantages and then take them away. Change up how they're fighting, on what terrain. Let your characters get clever. Engage your inner tactician. Do not let something go on too long without something changing up the dynamic. That being said:

Advantages Should Be Temporary Until Asses Are Thoroughly Whooped

This is where we get into tension. If your protagonists are winning, it's boring. Occasional victories are great, especially if they give your character a moment of hope that is immediately squashed by the antagonist having already thought of that, or having a plan to counter it, or what have you. Any victory while the fight is still going should be brief. Hope should be wrested away from them repeatedly. Brilliant ideas in the heat of the moment should fall apart. The longer the fight goes, the more disappointments, the thinner hope becomes.

If you need to, you can give them a more dramatic victory, but if the fight continues after that then you are going to end up in the fun situation of coming up with a reason why the antagonist is still winning even when they just got their ass handed to them. From experience, that is not an easy position to be in. It's hard to climb out of that hole.

I am serious. I don't care how epic and accomplished and cool your MCs are, if they're winning it's boring. You need tension. You need the stakes to stay high. You need there to be a real and imminent threat they could lose, with whatever consequences come attached. Otherwise your reader is going to find it monotonous and not care. If it doesn't feel like your protagonists are about to lose, then you're not going to keep your audience.

Cause Many Problems On Purpose and Hope Your Characters Are Smart Enough to Escape

Here's a fun fact: it generally doesn't read as a deus ex machina if it screws over your main characters.

I'm serious. You can introduce things you barely set up, if you set it up at all, into a fight scene as long as it makes things worse. If your characters happen to repurpose a grave inconvenience as something they can use, then that shows ingenuity and quick thinking.

Constantly throw up barriers to victory. You can't get too generous with evil deus ex machina or it will start to feel trite, but you can definitely throw in a few depending on length. Turn the heat higher steadily; every time they escape one issue, throw another one at them.

This does however mean your himbos are probably going to need countered by someone with brains. Dumb is not a great combination with "ends up in progressively shittier situations and has to climb back out."

And for the love of fuck, this is your chance to make your smart characters look smart. Actually show them resolving problems it doesn't look like your characters are going to get out of. Craft a scene where the protagonist is still able to be cool but they do it in collaboration with the smart one--not by telling the smart one what to do, but by coming up with a solution together, or reading some clever way the smart one is communicating their plan to them and enacting it. They can edit it as they go if the smart one doesn't do well under pressure. I am tired of reading books telling me how super smart someone is and then they do absolutely nothing about the conflict.

If You've Got a Good Plot Twist Sic 'Em

Here is what I mean by "good" plot twist: it contributes to the themes of the piece, it had actual evidence for it planted previously and does not break any established rules of your universe, and it (generally) makes things worse. Plot twists have twice the impact if they're screwing you over than if they're making it better, but if you can write a protagonist or side character pulling out a brilliant plan they carefully enacted behind the scenes to save them, by all means.

Of course, developmental edits are always an option. If you're writing the fight and you get an excellent plot twist idea in the middle, you can write it then and double back to edit in the evidence. If you're writing fanfiction chapter by chapter and uploading it, you're gonna have a harder time, but fanfic readers are generally more forgiving. Still, this is why I write each installment in completion before uploading (although I still write series, so invariably I get to some intallment down the road that fucks up what's been uploaded and I still have to edit things, but that's the reality of fanfiction).

You will hear from every angle that you need to outline. Outlining would save you a lot of grief. I am not going to shove Outline Gospel down your throat because I have an irrational, consumptive hatred for outlining; everything I've ever outlined made me so viscerally angry I abandoned it and couldn't go back without reawakening that ire. You won't hear me condemn you if you're a discovery writer. It does make your life harder, I'll grant you.

How to write a good plot twist is trickier. You either want four or five little clues, subtle cues, or one or two bigger ones, I'd average, but mastering that balance is hard. I still don't know where I fall on that continuum. I've gotten some awesome feedback on my plot twists from people surprised but cussing because it feels obvious in hindsight...more or less, but it's not easy and readers for original fiction generally read closer. It's hard. Best you can do is a little bit of research, a lot of developmental editing, run it by a beta (or several, if you're publishing for money you need several), and pray. As long as you have something there better than a very minor throwaway line three books ago, the worst you'll probably have to deal with is people guessing your plot twist ahead of time. If you paid any attention to The Owl House fandom, you'd know: audiences don't care. They'd rather the plot twist be predictable and earned than for you to chicken out of it partway through and throw in something completely random or leave obvious plot threads dangling without explanation because you're trying to clumsily plant seeds for a whole new plot twist they haven't guessed yet. (Looking at you, Marvel...and Game of Thrones...and basically every other media property, fucking hell.)

There you have it. Here's hoping this was useful to you and gave you something new to work with than what you had before. If not, I gave it my best shot. I'll work on it and get it right eventually.

[spelled-like-pajamas]

As a little New Years thing that I teased, here’s the books I read through out 2023, and some stuff about them. Hope you enjoy!

My Reviews of My 2023 Books:

1.

The First to Die at the End:

 A really good book! This probably isn't going to be as passionate as some other books as I'm writing this a good while after I finished it, but I genuinely loved it. Orion and Valnetino felt real, and their love more real. I loved all the other characters, and their side stories, especially Mateo’s & Rufus’s short cameo, and they fact that they almost became friends so much earlier in life. And sure, short cameo, but worth it. Only part that was a little weird is, well, I won't say what happened, but just say that once they reach home, it isn't as wholesome as it is when Mateo & Rufus get to his place.

Rating: 9/10

Favorite Quotes: 

“Nope, it’s not” I say. “Valentino, if you want some motherfucking linguini, I’ll find you some motherfucking linguini”.

“Here's the truth no one ever wants to admit when death is on the horizon, or when you're deep in that grief—as long as you keep existing, you'll keep breathing, and if you're breathing, one day you'll start living again.”

“And I'll maybe even fall in love again, and I'll make sure I say it before it's too late.”

(okay, I liked it, sue me) 

2.

Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe: 

I loved it. The story was something that wasn't too hard to follow, but always was able to keep my heart pacing. The narritve, the dialogue, the characters, it all was as perfect as the sun rise. 

Score: 9/10

Favorite Quote: “Senior year. And then life. Maybe that's the way it worked. High

school was just a prologue to the real novel. Everybody got to write you--but when you graduated, you got to write yourselt. At graduation, you got to collect your teacher's pens and your parents pens and you got your own pen. And you could do all the writing. Yeah.

Wouldn't that be sweet?” 

3.

The Cartographers: 

This was a book I picked for my birthday with no clue what it was about or anything, and overall, good book. A really nice story with good characters, creative writing, lots of twists, some you expect, others you don’t. Good book.

Score: 7/10

Favorite Quote(s): 

“Maps are love letters written to times and places their makers had explored.”

“I hope the maps are good where you are.”

4.

John Muir; Wilderness Essays:

So, this was a book that picked up at a bird reserve and caught my eye because I did a massive report on him in middle school, but never was able to read all of his works. But overall, good book. Definitely one either made for one who can go on with scientific books or pages that feel more like an advertisement or has a quiet room to read in. Definitely good book for any nature lover. 

Score: 5/10

Favorite Quote(s):

“Scarce one note is for us; nevertheless, God be thanked for this blessed instrument hid beneath the feathers of a lark.”

“The earth has indeed become a sky; and the two cloudless skies, raying toward each other flower-beams and sunbeams, are fused & Congolese into one glowing heaven.”

“As age comes on, one source of enjoyment after another is closed, but Nature’s sources never fail. Like a generous host, she offers here brimming cups in endless variety, served in a grand hall, the sky its ceiling, the mountains its walls, decorated with glorious paintings and enveloped with bands of music ever playing. The petty discomforts that beset the awkward guest, the unskilled camper, are quickly forgotten, while all that is precious remains. Fears vanish as soon as one is fairly free in the wilderness.”

5.

The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle: This book, unlike quite a few so far, was one not by random choice, but instead one I picked up as one of the best books according to Tumblr when I first joined, and I decided to give a try, and is by far the best mystery novel I have ever read and always kept me on my toes and kept me guessing every step of the way. 

Score: 9/10

Quotes:

“You don't like the man you were. Very well. Be somebody else. There's nothing stopping you, not anymore. As I said, I envy you. The rest of us are stuck with out mistakes.”

“The butler was my father’s batman during the war. Seems Father's taken the insult rather personally.” 

“Tomorrow can be whatever I want it to be, which means for the first time in decades, I can look forward to it. Instead of being something it can be a promise I make myself. A chance to be braver or kinder, to make what was wrong right. To be better than I am today. Every day after this one is a gift. I just have to keep walking until get there.”

6.

The Knife of Never Letting Go: 

Overall, an okay book. For a starter, since this book kinda just throws this at you and expects you to know, the book focuses around the idea that there is this town full of only men, and they can all hear each other’s thoughts, except this gets flipped on its head when the main character finds out that is different pretty much everywhere else, more or less. Again, not too many spoilers, this is meant to encourage you to read these. Anyways, good, kinda left it on a cliffhanger that felt poorly written, but okay. 

Score: 6/10

Quotes:

“But if I had to imagine being on the sea, this is what I’d imagine. The herd surrounds us & takes up everything, leaving just the sky and us. It cuts around us like a current, sometimes noticing us but more idus ally noticing only itself and the song of “HERE”, which in the midst of it is so loud it’s like it’s taken over the running of yer body for a while, providing the energy to make yer heart beat and your lungs breathe.”

7.

The Sun and the Star; A Nico di Angelo Adventure: 

Much good book!! I honestly thought that Riordian had gotten cancelled and wasn’t writing any books, but a trip up to the bookstore proved me wrong. Anyways, bestest book. No spoilers, but it brought back just about everyone it could in a way that was perfect. Also, Will & Nico? MMMMMMM. (Is there a ship name? Sun & Star, maybe, or like Wico?). Anyways again, amazing book, best so far and probably ever, if you read any Percy Jackson at any point, finish all the rest and then get here. 

Score: 10/10

Quotes: 

“Will drew a shaky breath. His eyes were swimming with exhaustion. He worried that he’d finally done something that would make Nico realize they were simply, irreconcilably too different. “Yes?”

Nico didn’t seem to be able to talk at first. Then: “You are a legitimate demigod Care Bear.” Will’s top lip trembled. He fell to his knees. Then he bent over in loud raucous laughter until tears poured from his eyes. “You’re so weird.” Nico crawled over, pulled Will to him, and silenced his laughter with a tender kiss. “Please keep being my own personal Care Bear, though.” “Always,” said Will. And then he promptly passed out. 

“Okay, okay, enough of your bisexual chaos for the moment.”

“Pain helps us learn,” said Gorgyra. “It is unfortunate, but we rarely forget the lessons taught to us in moments of pain.”

“He wanted to understand Nico, even the parts that seemed difficult or sad. All Nico needed was to be seen & heard by someone he cared for, and Will was making the effort. Will glowed next to the fire like one of the torches on Erebos. And it was hard even for Tartarus to stamp out that kind of hope.”

“Will had heard love described in so many dramatic, bizarre ways over the years, but no one had described it like this:

It’s like drifting down a river of pain and knowing you are safe. It’s like holding a person in your arms and realizing they are an interlocking piece of a puzzle you hadn’t known how to assemble. It’s like staring into a dark and treacherous expanse, unsure of what awaits you but finding comfort in the fact that you won’t have to face it alone. It was a son of Apollo falling for a son of Hades. It was this.”

8.

The Mountain in the Sea: 

An alright book. For a basic summary that spils not a whole lot, the story follows a scientist named Dr. Ha Nguyen, who gets called up by a company that says they may have found a species of octopus that is intelligent as us, and is accompanied by a grizzled war veteran and the worlds first true android. The reason it's lackluster is that very little interesting happens with them for most of the time, as well as two other side stories that seem to be not related for most of the book. However, it does all meet up together in the end, so not too bad. 

Score: 6/10

Quotes:

“We see a level of tool use in the octopus that surpasses that of any birds or mammals other than humans. Consider the compound tool use of the Indonesian octopuses, who carry two discarded

coconut halves with them across the seafloor, stilt-walking with them underneath their bodies, then reassembling the halves to use as armor against predators. The coconuts, discarded by humans, are collected by the octopuses for this specific purpose.

While we see other animals use found objects for shelters and assemble compound objects (such as

nests), nowhere else do we see this level of sophisticated tool use in the animal kingdom. This cannot be dismissed as instinct. It is a learned behavior. When we try to reassemble the train of thought that must have gone into this, what else can

we do but admit we are looking at an animal whose curiosity, adventurousness, and sophistication areunparalleled in most of the animal world?” 

“The world still contains miracles, despite everything that has been done to it.”

“Are we trapped, then, in the world our language makes for us, unable to see beyond the boundaries of it? I say we are not. Anyone who has watched their dog

dance its happiness in the sand and felt that joy themselves; anyone who has looked into a neighboring car and seen a driver there, lost in thought, and smiled and saw the image of themselves in that person, knows the way out of the

maze: Empathy. Identity with perspectives outside our own. The liberating, sympathetic vibrations of fellow feeling.

Only those incapable of empathy are truly caged.”

9.

Welcome to Night Vale: A Novel: 

HELLLL YESSSS! A book that I thought was lost to bookstores by time and only discoverable by Amazon, and was at my fingertips the whole time! Anyways, best book ever! For anyone who knows the podcast, it goes deeper into anything you want to know about the town, and for anyone who’s never heard of it (first off, shame on you but in a light way), it’s a great way to introduce it, as it works for both groups. Read it regardless, you interlopers, and ALL HAIL THE GLOW CLOUD. 

Score: 10/10

Quotes:

“The search for truth takes us to dangerous places,” said Old Woman Josie. “Often it takes us to that most dangerous place: the library. You know who said that? No? George Washington did. Minutes before librarians are him.”

“The world is terrifying. It always is. But Cecil reminded her that it was okay to relax in a terrifying world.”

10.

Abraham Lincoln ; Vampire Hunter: An overall good book! I was promted to read it after seeing the trailer for the movie, and thought I should read the book before I see the movie. But regardless, the book contains good action, comedy and, of course, vampires. Anyone who likes goofy stories, history or horror should read this book.

Score: 9/10

Quotes:

“Judge us not equally, Abraham. We may all deserve hell, but some of us deserve it sooner than others.”

“I fear that a life of death has made me numb to both.”

11.

The Girl Who Could Move Shit With Her Mind: 

I picked this book up simply because it’s not every day you walk into your local Barnes and Noble and see a book that just outright swears right to you (at least where I live, I've realized after writing this that it's probably pretty common). So of course I bought it, why not? It’s a good book with plenty of comedy, which gets balanced out by the murders and and stuff, with a great double twist at the end. The only issue I have with it, and maybe this was just my version, but I noticed a few times where it seemed like the proof reader skipped over something, but probably just me. 

Score: 8/10

Quotes:

“Yeah, it’s been hard sometimes. Working under Moira Tanner sucks. And yeah, I’ll probably never own a restaurant. But I am never gonna stop trying because things can always get better. People are stupid, things go wrong, plans fall apart. Shit doesn’t work like your want it to. But there’s always a way out.”

“Oh, thank God. Someone to distract me from these two lovebirds.” “Please,” Annie says. “You’ve been playing Clash of Clans for the past ten minutes. You don’t even know we here.”

12.

Six of Crows: Hell yes! A book I had simply seen mentioned as a great book with no prior knowledge, and one that delivered it 110%! It’s the perfect mix of heist, fantasy, romance and real world bits that make it perfect! Hopefully back to the bookstore for the next! (Oh yeah, probably should have mentioned it’s a cliff hanger, but in the best of ways, but still brings it down just one point. Also, may this serve as a stamp in time before Wylan and Jesper become a thing, if that doesn’t happen, I’m going to scream.)

Score: 9/10

Quotes:

“Shame holds more value than coin ever can.”

“Kaz leaned back. “What’s the easiest way to steal a man’s wallet?”

“Knife to the throat?” asked Inej.

“Gun to the back?” said Jesper.

“Poison in his cup?” suggested Nina.

“You’re all horrible,” said Matthias.”

“Rollins held up his watch chain. A turnip was hanging from the fob where his diamond-studded timepiece should have been. “That little bastard—“ Then a thought came to him. He reached for his wallet. It was gone. So was his tie pin, the Kaelish coin pendant he wore for luck, and the gold buckles in his shoes. Rollins wondered if he should check the fillings in his teeth.”

13.

Crooked Kingdom: Hella good book! A sequel to “Six of Crows” for anyone who didn't know, it still delivers just as good the original, probably even better, tying every single story up perfectly, ending it just the way it needed to, with the same characters that made the first perfect and a few newer ones that help to make it even better. And yes, Wylan and Jesper (Wesper, beautiful) are a thing, that's the one thing I will spoil, because it is perfect, and even thought it was probably very easy to see, I called it! If youve read the first, read it, it does not disappoint, and if you haven't read the first, what are you doing?!?

Score: 10/10

Quotes:

“Where do you think the money went?” he repeated.

“Guns?” asked Jesper.

“Ships?” queried Inej.

“Bombs?” suggested Wylan. 

“Political bribes?” offered Nina. They all looked at Matthias. “This is where you tell us how awful we are,” she whispered. 

“You’re not weak because you can't read. You're weak because you're afraid of people seeing your weakness. You're letting shame decide who you are.”

“They don’t know who we are. Not really. They don’t know what we’ve done, what we’ve managed together.” Kaz rapped his cane on the ground. “So let’s go show them they picked the wrong damn fight.”

“Nina had grieved for her loss of power, for the connection she’d felt to the living world. She’s resented this shadow gift. It had seemed like a sham, a punishment. But surely as life connected everything, so did death. It was that endless, fast-running river. She’d dipped her fibers into its current, held the eddy of its power in her hand. She was the Queen of Mourning, and in its depths, she would never drown.”

“Jesper hugged his father tight. Remember this feeling, he told himself. Remember all you have to lose.”

14: 

The Hexologists: A fantastic book! Basically covered all the bases for a great book, mysteries and detectives, dragons and wizards, romance and a sweet old gay couple, and one of the best twists ever, so a good book for everyone, as long you’re good with really lovey scenes.

Score: 8/10

Quotes: 

“Seems the prince had quite a devoted batman,” she remarked to Warren, who stopped over an open binder at the desk’s elbow.”

“Do not neglect to live your life. No cause, no matter how noble, will ever love you.”

“I miss clouds! I miss lonesome clouds, wispy clouds, and all those fleets of white frigates with pregnant sails that would go coursing across the endless blue—warring, burning, sinking at sunset. I miss the clouds that looked like a freshly rolled field and the great placid mountains that presided over a morning—before turning volcanic in the afternoon. There nothing like that now. There’s just a ceiling. A terribly low ceiling and closed-in walls. It’s like we’re living inside a collapsed house.”

“That quality was part of what made him such a wonderful partner. Still, a large heart is not light. Even the most cherished burdens must sometimes be laid down.”

“War, I loved you right through that rug, past the floorboards, into the basement, under the foundation, straight down to the center of the earth. And I hope to see all of those things wear away as we grow old & our love stays young.”

“One nosy woman to another, is it satisfying—knowing all the secrets of the world? Is it enough? Are you content, or does the ever-swelling bubble of reality make fulfillment impossible? After all, every soul on the planet is out there right now, studiously making a mystery of their life. They’re lying, faking, pretending…Is it better to admit your limitations, to not only allow for, but to insist upon the necessity of the unknown? Is ignorance the basis of sanity? Do we need mysteries to survive?”

15.

Aristotle & Dante Discover Dive Into the Waters of the World:

A book that I didn’t do enough justice for with its prequel! (probably because I was still getting back into reading more). The book is beautiful, and has been one of the few things in a while that’s made me cry, both out of sadness, and out of love. Aristotle and Dante will forever hold a place in my heart, not just for the wonderful book it is, but how I use it now as a personal marker for what’s changed about me since I promised I was going to read 15 books, and hopefully 20 or more next year! 

Score: 10/10 (Winner!)

Quotes:

“Oh, hell no,” said Dante. I loved that he brought so much laughter into what was once the pathetic-melancholy-boy thing I used to do all the time. And I wanted to kiss him.”

“But me, I’m a sin, right?”

“No, you’re not a sin. You’re a young man. You’re a human being.” And then she smiled at me. “And you’re my son.”

“I sometimes felt like I'd been asleep for a long time—and when I met Dante, I began to wake up, and I began seeing not only him but the mean and terrible and awesome world I lived in. The world was a scary place to live in, and it would always be scary—but you could learn not to be afraid. I guess I had to decide what was more real, the scary things or—or Dante. Dante, he was the most real thing in the world.”

"Has it ever occurred to you how painful all of this must be for Lina? Have you any idea or have you even considered what she must be going through right now? She's a good and decent woman. She's generous and she's kind. In a word, she possesses all the virtues that you lack. I have no idea why you think our faith is centered around condemning people."

“My mom and Mrs. Alvidrez—their connection mattered. And they respected that connection. It was true, adults were teachers. They taught you things by how they behaved. And just now, my mom and Mrs. Alvidrez taught me a word Cassandra had begun to teach me: “forgiveness”. It was a word that needed to live inside me. I had a feeling that if that word didn't live inside me, the word “happiness” would never live inside me either.”

“That's the thing about friends. Each one of them is different. And each friend knows something about you that your other friends don't know. I guess a part of being friends is that you share a secret with each one of them. The secret doesn't have to be a big secret. It could just be a little one. But sharing that secret is one of the things that makes you friends. I thought that was pretty amazing.”

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you that war is something beautiful or heroic. When people say war is hell, war is hell. Cowards start wars, and the brave fight them.”

“Sometimes I loved them so much. There was something about girls that guys didn't have—and would never have. They were amazing. Maybe one day, instead of always having to prove they were real men, guys would study women’s behavior and start acting a little more like them. Now, that would be awesome.”

“For the longest time, I have wanted to be an actress. Then I realized I’ve been an actress all my life. But the question ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ is not just about what professions we chose. The real question is, what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to love? Or do you want to continue the hate? Hate is a decision. Hate is an emotional pandemic we have never found a cure for. Choose to love.”

“We had to make it to shore for Sophocles and all the newly arrived citizens of the world. We had learned that we were all connected, and we were stronger than any storm, and we would make it back to the shores of America—and when we arrived, we would throw out the old maps that took us to violent places filled with hate, and the new roads we mapped would take all of us places and cities we’d never dreamed of. We were the cartographers of the new America. We would map out a new nation. 

Yes, we were stronger than the storm.”

Prologue (or something, idk):

So, the TLDR of it all was that I promised myself I would read 15 books by the end of the year all the way back then, and this is that list of books, my thoughts of them, and hopefully, a spoiler free incentive to read these too. And if you want favorites, Aristotle and Dante Dive Into the Waters of the World takes 1st, The Sun and the Star takes 2nd, and Welcome to Night Vale: A Novel takes 3rd. Thank you so much to all you book people on Tumblr for getting me back into reading and bringing my “To Read List” from 5-10 to nearly 100 as of writing! Hope to be back with a list like this next year with 20 books, and here’s to another year on this hellsite I’ve fallen for!

[everythingsinred]

Hi hii!! I hope you're having a nice day 💜💜

Ok I'm gonna be really mean with the 50 questions ask-

Whichever ones you want, with Ruka, Natsume, or Mikan

(i find it mean bc i am tragically indecisive)

i am doing great!

(i think that u sent this again, adding mikan... so i'll answer this one instead of the other one, if that's okay)

ur ask is so tempting so i will do as many as i can for all three, thank u <3

Ruka-pyon <3

1. Canon I outright reject? he would NEVER leave natsume not EVER. i know tsubasa had to basically drag him out of there but i hate that he left i HATE it

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on? i don't think he would ever date mikan after natsume's hypothetical death. i don't think either of them would be able to.

3. Obscure headcanon? his favorite disney movie is fox and the hound.

4. Favorite line? "Meeting you, and coming with you here to the Academy... I never even once regretted it." (chapter 146)

5. Best personality trait? his loyalty. he's very sweet and i love that, but his loyalty is what moves mountains, what fights wars, what transcends the rules of time and space.

6. Worst personality trait? i must have mentioned this at some point but he's perfect. but really i think he shouldn't feel like such a burden when he brings so much to the table.

7. Age/height/weight headcanon? i don't need a headcanon when i have character profiles! 140 cm/4'6 and 35 kg/77 lbs at his debut, 173 cm/5'8 and 66 kg/145 lbs in the last chapter. also i believe he's the youngest of the main four? he turns 11 in march, after natsume, mikan, and hotaru have all had their 11th birthdays.

8. Unpopular opinion about them? i've already said i only like his relationship with mikan platonically, so i'll say something else.

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the character? "bird meets tori!" where we see him using his alice with piyo. though it's been so long since i first met him that i really can't remember ever NOT loving him.

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)? my favorite ruka moment is when he's waiting for natsume in the backseat of the car to go to the academy with him. makes me cry every single time.

12. Crack headcanon? i like thinking of him growing little flowers on his windowsill in his dorm and that he very much likes baking... again "crack" i use loosely.

13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done? this...?? maybe? i dont think he does many dumb things...

14. Most heroic moment? i just think there's so much strength in ruka's actions in the new year's arc, even if he feels like such a burden the whole time. though i also think this one is very brave.

15. Worst thing they’ve ever done? very tough to say because he's a well-meaning child! i don't like to be negative abt the kids. that being said, this might be natsume AND ruka's worst moment lol. ruka was complicit in that.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them? zoe and i do have a ruka playlist, but it's private right now because it's unpolished. that being said, here are some songs from the playlist.

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about? his self-esteem issues, namely his feelings of being a burden and his apparent social anxiety that stems from a lonely, isolated childhood.

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)? lemonade!

22. Best physical feature? his pretty blue eyes! he's so beautiful!

23. If they were a scented candle, what would they smell like? YOU ASKED THE RIGHT PERSON. i imagine he would be a lovely, simple floral scent, as well as something a little sweet and refined.

24. Most annoying habit? he's done nothing annoying??? tho for real i think people might get annoyed by his natsume-apologism (especially in story lol)

27. Their guilty pleasure? i think he'd probably like musicals but get very embarrassed abt it. tho i might just be projecting winston bishop on him based off his one musical performance as snow white that he obviously didnt even want to do.

31. If they had a tumblr what would it look like? VERY aesthetic, sweet, with lots of photography, poetry quotes, and pictures of animals.

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh? when he finally lets himself poke fun at natsume and mikan! they make him laugh a lot, when he puts his walls down <3

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry? when he thinks too hard about his family, because of how much he misses them.

35. Their idea of a perfect day? spending time with his friends and snuggling with an animal... i think he'd be content with simple pleasures.

36. Their favorite season? i associate him with spring! with flowers and baby animals and gentle weather. i think he'd like it too, for lots of the same reasons.

37. What they really think about themselves? he thinks of himself as a burden, obstacle, impediment, that he holds the one person he loves most back when all he wants is to help. as a result, he withdraws and hides himself away bc he doesn't think he's capable of contributing much anyway.

38. Favorite holiday? maybe easter? i'm not familiar with japanese holidays so i cant say for sure but the easter aesthetic suits him.

39. Favorite game? card games!!!

40. Favorite book? i have a predominantly western understanding of literature because i have a degree in english literature, so forgive me. i think he'd like romantic poets, like whitman, wordsworth, byron, and dickinson. he'd like romanticism for it's emphasis on the natural world and on emotion and justice. i think he'd like classic children's books too, like peter pan or alice in wonderland.

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the world (living or dead, from any fictional universe or the real world), who would it be? he'd wanna eat lunch with his parents because he misses them <3

42. 3 comfort items? i had a long and nice answer for this but tumblr ate it (which pisses me off so much u have no idea) so i dont remember what i'd said. the earbud transmitters hotaru left him, but i cant remember the other two. ill reblog again if i remember.

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise? i think ruka would like bread and pastries, lots of desserts. i dont have much of an inkling what he wouldn't like except that i believe he's a vegetarian so he wouldn't eat meat. i just dont understand how he could have such connection and empathy for animals, genuinely love them as friends, and have the animal pheromone alice on top of that, and eat them. i dont think he'd judge anybody for eating meat, but he wouldn't be able to himself.

44. Their happiest memory? meeting natsume <3

46. The person they most admire? natsume, mikan, and his mom. people whose strength he admires and maybe covets.

47. Their dream job? he wants to be a vet!!!!

48. Scariest moment of their life? poor ruka has gone through a lot of scary moments but i think he's managed to be brave each time anyway, which is very admirable. i keep saying natsume for all his answers, but i think natsume's death would be the scariest moment because he genuinely couldn't do anything to stop it. i think not only was it the moment he lost his best friend, but also a moment that made him feel like he really couldn't be of any help or support to natsume after all, that he really was a burden.

49. Favorite toy as a child? rich boy ruu-chan had a lot of toys and while i'm tempted to think he'd like stuffed animals, at the end of the day i think he'd be way more interested in playing with real animals. i think they made him feel accepted and understood and less alone.

50. A memory they’ve blocked out? i think the memories of the time between natsume dying and coming back would be a bit blurry. he wouldnt have been holding on tight to that period of time, to put it lightly.

Natsume <3

1. Canon I outright reject? I will never accept him dying young. sorry higuchi but i just cant listen to you.

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on? natsume LOVES chocolate and sweets. why do so many people insist on him hating sweets just because he's "cool" i dont get it???

3. Obscure headcanon? he listens to rap and rap rock. im sorry i just. cant imagine he wouldn't love rap. whatever.

4. Favorite line? i love when one of the kids asks him to tutor him when the whole class is in study mode, saying, "i thought if i went in with a 'do or die' attitude then maybe..." and natsume replies, "then die." (i know it's hard to see but it's at the bottom, where ruka's face is.) ALSO on a more serious note, "can you wait for me?" because it KILLS me.

5. Best personality trait? how sweet he can be!!!! no but seriously natsume acts cool but he's the most hopeless romantic of the bunch and i live by that.

6. Worst personality trait? martyr complex.

7. Age/height/weight headcanon? who needs headcanon when we have canon!! natsume is ten (a couple months away from eleven) when he's introduced and the second youngest (only older than ruka) in the main four (the boys being younger than the girls is so cute). he's sixteen at the epilogue and in kageki <3. he's 140 cm/4'6 and 34.5 kg/76 lbs when we meet him, and 175 cm/5'9 and 72 kg/159 lbs at the epilogue.

8. Unpopular opinion about them? i think the popular opinion is that natsume is a baby boy who deserves peace and love after a childhood of rage and agony but if you disagree, i'll throw u off a cliff myself.

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the character? im gonna be real with u. he was my fav from the start. i never ever had negative feelings towards him ever from the beginning. is that weird? idk. i dont really care. i saw him with his mask and was determined to watch the whole anime just bc he was in it.

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)? it's really hard for me to answer this but i think my favorite natsume moment is when he finally rebels against the ESP and persona... something he'd always wanted to do but couldn't, finally given the chance through the knowledge that he'd rather be dead than allow mikan to live through the same suffering that he does.

13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done? getting mikan to play the prince. he's so fucking stupid.

14. Most heroic moment? he wishes it was his death scene! i think his most heroic moment was when he decided to go to the academy for his sister. i pick this scene and not any others bc when natsume risks his life later on, part of it is motivated by suicidal ideation so it's kinda hard for me to think of those moments as anything but.

15. Worst thing they’ve ever done? same answer as ruka's. yes i say this even knowing that he might have killed people during DA missions. those other ppl arent real to me; mikan is.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them? again, zoe and i made a killer playlist for the main 4 ga characters. natsume's is the best though, we both agree. since, again, the playlist is still under construction, here are some tracks from it that suit him. (lots of them are triggering, particularly regarding thoughts of suicide, just as a warning.)

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about? everything? trauma, self-image, martyr complex, suicidal ideation, dealing with terminal illness... there's a lot.

19. Vices/bad habits? he has a lot! the worst is his overuse of his alice.

20. Scars? i'm sure he has some. DA missions are not safe and although natsume is canonically immune to his own fire, he's not immune to flying shrapnel and rubble. i like the anime showing us some glimpses into what his missions might look like. we even got to see him get shot, an injury he (presumably) patched up himself instead of going to the hospital for, which is VERY in character. the anime NAILED that episode (chef's kiss, best episode ever, hands down).

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)? cherry dr pepper (this is just a ridiculous joke zoe and i made that is now serious. what a sickening beverage)

22. Best physical feature? his eyes! so pretty. i also love his silky hair. he is SO pretty and has sUCH pretty eyelashes. most beautiful boy ever.

23. If they were a scented candle, what would they smell like? he'd be a lovely scent, very woody and foresty. not floral or sweet.

24. Most annoying habit? martyr complex.

31. If they had a tumblr what would it look like? it's hard to imagine natsume having a tumblr tbh but i think if he did it would be a little anticlimactic. he'd mainly just reblog stupid self-deprecating jokes and edgy music.

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh? jokes with ruka <3 teasing mikan <3 :)

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry? sadly, natsume rarely cries. but he cries when he loses someone, so leaving his father, and i think he must have cried when he woke up after dying just to find out mikan was gone.

35. Their idea of a perfect day? a good day would probably be if he doesn't have to go on a mission. a perfect day would be the two christmases where he got to kiss mikan. i think he went to sleep very happy those nights.

36. Their favorite season? spring <3 though i always associate him with autumn and winter.

37. What they really think about themselves? BAD. not worth the trouble. exists for others. similar nonsense.

38. Favorite holiday? CHRISTMAS

39. Favorite game? playing cards with ruka! also its easy to imagine him being into video games, particularly violent ones.

40. Favorite book? i think he'd prefer manga to books but if he were to read books i think he'd like fucked up shit. maybe horror like stephen king or something.

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the world (living or dead, from any fictional universe or the real world), who would it be? his mom

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise? i base this off of official art (thus, canon), but pasta, chocolate, and strawberries are his favorite foods. i think he wouldnt like coffee (thats why he always drinks it in my fics lmao....) and i like imagining him as being a childishly picky eater. i dont really have any evidence for his dislikes. just vibes.

44. Their happiest memory? meeting ruka and both christmases <3

46. The person they most admire? i think he would admire his mother and yuka a lot. obviously, he also admires ruka and mikan, for being unlike him.

47. Their dream job? he simply does not dream of labor. it's really hard for me to come up with a job he'd love bc of how he's been forced to work as an actual child. he likes manga... maybe something involved with that?

48. Scariest moment of their life? when aoi burned down the village, though i do think he's had lots of scary moments after that too. i just think that was probably the moment he realized how powerless he really was, how much he was at the mercy of others simply bc he was a child.

49. Favorite toy as a child? i think he'd probably be a big fan of matchbox cars? or maybe im saying that bc i liked matchbox cars. (and also cuz theyre called matchbox cars). he seems to like basketball too!

50. A memory they’ve blocked out? natsume is a big ball of trauma so i wouldnt be surprised if there was plenty. i think he's kind of forced to compartmentalize a lot, since his experiences in the DA class are so gruesome and different from his school life, so he'd be forced to pretend like he didn't just go on a terrifying mission last night, which leads to unprocessed trauma and maybe even blurred memories.

Mikan <3

1. Canon I outright reject? if higuchi tachibana doubting that "natsume won" is canon, then i reject it. mikan MADE A CHOICE. in your manga, higuchi!!!! she even says, "these feelings i have only for you", which means the only person she loves romantically is natsume. higuchi YOU WROTE THIS.

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on? ^^^ that one. also she's not a masochist.

3. Obscure headcanon? even though natsume can have a potentially atrocious taste in fashion, i think mikan would find his fits cute nonetheless, maybe just bc it's him!

4. Favorite line? I love when she tells natsume to join her team before the sports fest. she NEVER asks for anything from natsume or tells him how she feels but she takes a risk this once and it's wonderful until he rejects her and she takes a long while to recover from that moment where she finally put herself out there only to get turned down.

5. Best personality trait? perseverance, in regards to difficult times and difficult people.

6. Worst personality trait? toxic positivity

7. Age/height/weight headcanon? we have canon!! she is (unbeknownst to her) eleven years old when she first comes to the academy and is turning seventeen when we see her again in the last chapters. she's 138 cm/4'6 and 33 kg/73 lbs at her debut and 158 cm/5'2 and 47 kg/104 lbs at the last chapters.

8. Unpopular opinion about them? it's okay that she's stupid! i dislike when mikan is made so much smarter, or when they significantly alter her personality, in fics. i think she's pretty great the way she is!

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the character? HARD TO SAY. regrettably i wasn't always a huge fan of mikan, especially in the anime, bc i thought she was annoying. but i think when i matured just a little, it was hard to keep it up. i think i fully loved her on the second rewatch/reread. i couldnt tell u the specific scene bc it was too long ago.

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)? i reread just this little moment so often. i'm not saying it's a healthy moment, hiding her feelings until she's alone, but it's so her and it's so heart-crushing and tragic. i love it.

13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done? she's frequently stupid, but i really enjoy this moment, just bc of how naive she is, both to natsume's situation and to her own feelings. (mikan, girl, you're in love with him.)

14. Most heroic moment? is there anything more heroic than this?

15. Worst thing they’ve ever done? mikan rarely does things out of ill-will. i could say one of her well-intentioned blunders, but that feels cheap. i'll say this, then, when mikan tells natsume that him worrying about her is a bother. i'll talk about it during my essay, but mikan says that, against her urges to keep him with her, because she remembers the pain of him choosing luna over her and she, in that moment, reacts in a kneejerk way to make him hurt a little too. it's the only moment i can think of where she hurts somebody without at least meaning well. (and YES i know that this is right after luna told her to keep their encounter a secret, but mikan chooses to be cold to natsume in a way that she isnt towards hotaru or her other friends for asking similar questions.)

16. Deepest darkest secret they won’t even admit to themselves? mikan never admits anything to herself! that she loves natsume sticks out the most though.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them? AGAIN, zoe and i made playlists for the main 4 but they're unsuitable for consumption right now, so here are some mikan flavored tracks!

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about? her little useless complex as well as her toxic positivity and all the trauma she had to endure in a very short time frame.

19. Vices/bad habits? "keep smiling, mikan, no matter what!"

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)? orange juice and orange soda

22. Best physical feature? her smile, allegedly! i love the way her eyes are drawn (my answer for everyone is eyes bc i LOVE the way higuchi draws eyes...). i, like natsume, also LOVE when her hair is down.

23. If they were a scented candle, what would they smell like? she'd be like her name, and have a fruity, floral scent! very sweet!

31. If they had a tumblr what would it look like? i think it would be super cute with lots of bright, fun colors, desserts, and positivity quotes.

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh? she smiles a lot. i like her genuine smiles, when she hears something she likes or spends quality time with people she loves.

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry? mikan is sensitive! thus she cries a lot! she cries when people around her are hurt, she cries when she doesn't get what she wants, or when things get hard. i think it's sweet.

35. Their idea of a perfect day? spending time with her class b pals with some light antics and shenanigans, or hanging out with her senpais in the special ability class would make her happy. later, going on dates with natsume, too. <3

36. Their favorite season? summer, but the lovely thing is how happy and awestruck mikan seems to be by every passing season. she loves them all! it's very sweet, how much love she has for life.

37. What they really think about themselves? despite her tendency to see the beauty or value in everything, she doesn't see much in herself. she thinks of herself as ordinary, boring, useless. she knows that people love her smile but she thinks that's all she has to offer so she hides her negative feelings away. ;-;

38. Favorite holiday? new year's!!!

39. Favorite game? she loves all games, but especially sports and high-activity games

40. Favorite book? she'd like high-spirited books with wacky characters, like pippi longstocking, anne of green gables, or matilda.

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the world (living or dead, from any fictional universe or the real world), who would it be? her parents and jii-chan

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise? obviously she loves oranges and she eats lots of oranges in the manga. i like to think she shares hotaru's love for seafood, bc seafood reminds her of hotaru, but hotaru is so insane abt it that mikan seems to have a tame love in comparison. and HOWALON, obviously. i dont think mikan would dislike much food or be a picky eater bc she loves to eat <3

44. Their happiest memory? i think her school memories with her friends, particularly lighthearted moments, would stick out as happiest. the culture fest or the dodgeball game or swimming class.

46. The person they most admire? hotaru, natsume, ruka, etc. she admires lots of people. she has a tendency to see the good parts of people and to focus on them until that's the main thing she sees.

47. Their dream job? i like to see mikan in people-oriented, caring-based roles, like as a nurse or a teacher, where there's emphasis on helping people. i think she'd really thrive in a career like that. i especially like imagining her as a teacher. (her husband can share some pretty decent benefits from such a career afaik)

48. Scariest moment of their life? probably the whole night of the escape arc. no part of that was easy. the entire night was stressful and scary

49. Favorite toy as a child? she makes her own mikan dolls! mikan is awful at homemade things, like cooking or sewing, but she loves it anyway! i think she liked making her own toys and seeing the beauty in her ugly little creations.

50. A memory they’ve blocked out? i think mikan would try and remember the hard moments so that she can get stronger, just based on the way she talks about such moments, like after pengy dies.

[exit-path]

Yes, I'm confirming it now, I did go to Stuyvesant High School.

hi guys, today's my brother's birthday, everyone wish him a happy birthday. anyways i really didn't have a reason to make this post, but here goes.

if you don't know what stuyvesant high school is, that's fine, you don't need to. if you do know what it is, then great, you'll know how prestigious it is. i already hinted at this in my aug 2022 post, but here's an official confirmation.

and i'm surprised no one realized sooner. the path traced out in this post perfectly lines up with the area around the school. and the photos in this post were literally taken from inside the school.

one thing i valued really highly was my ability to balance both my school life and my tumblr blog (i'm surprised i managed to do so in hindsight). the 2020 pandemic definitely made it easier, as my 10th and 11th grade years were now spent in front of a screen where i could be online all day.

i graduated as a pretty average student academically, although the one thing i regret is not utilizing the available resources as well as i could've.

the reason i had a public meltdown on tumblr in jun 2022 is because i was scared to make much the same post you're reading right now. i was going to college and couldn't stay active online for much longer, and i wanted to do a face reveal and quit tumblr for good (the quote "you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain" greatly informed my actions during this time).

but many months have passed since then, i've been allowed time to reflect, and i realized that– i'm not a two-dimensional character. i don't die at the peak of my fame. i'm still alive.

i still hold the value of an education in high regard, though that may sound cheap coming from someone who poured hours a day into an online fandom. it's just... my story is one you can learn from, not one to be replicated. stay in school.

will i be returning to using this blog regularly? probably not. i realize there's nothing here for me to have fun doing anymore, and mineblr is a shadow of its former glory—no matter now much i wish for it to be otherwise.

maybe i'll reconsider when deltarune ch. 3 comes out. or if minecraft has a second renaissance. or if the GD community takes off here, or better yet, if update 2.2 comes out. or if the walten files ep. 4 comes out. could you imagine that?

anyways, i'll leave you with a few additional fun facts you might not have known:

the minecraft server from this reblog (OP is sketiana) and elaborated on in these posts was actually the Stuyvesant Minecraft Coalition server

i appeared on my school website's home page one time, wearing my halloween costume.

if you ever visit the school, you can find a poster i made on the 4th floor (on the wall behind the escalator). it has my sideblog sona on it

one final request, please don't use my real name or do anything with my real face. also, please don't try anything that could jeopardize my real-life location. i know i'm operating on an honor system here, but i genuinely mean it. everything i willingly shared was because it was a story too important to pass up.

i hope i've tied up all loose ends. thank you, and i'll catch you on the flipside.

[captainseamech]

//I mentioned a few days ago that I had some things going through my mind and that I was building up courage to tell you guys that and... I think this is finally the appropriate time for such. It's nothing against anyone here, I promise you that. It's more about myself, really.

This post is written with small text font to make it faster to read (since I typed a lot), but if you want me to leave it all on a regular font feel free to tell me so and I'll fix it. And if there's any misspelling or grammatical error bear with me since I do be a bit sick still and... I might fix later (if I remember to do it) so my English might be worse than ever in this post. I'm sorry in advance.

.... for the past couple days since New Years hit us in the face I've seen my mutuals just... moving blogs and all that to start fresh aside from ships, relationships and the like and honestly, that kind of motivated me to do such since I'm... frankly unhappy with how this blog is looking recently, but I'm also in quite a big dilemma since I hate making choices and I wanted to be more open with you guys for a moment. Again, I've been thinking deeply on whether making this post or not but I think it will be worth it in the end (or I just wasted some of my time typing, who knows.)

On one hand it'd make me feel better and refreshed to move from here, starting with a theme, carrd and all that fancy stuff; especially with a better organization of my tags from the beginning since I feel my tags are... all over the place as of currently in comparison to my other blogs; as well as I'd have a way better sense of making my verses since I just... well, kind of hoarded lots of them with some that I barely dont use (if not straight up abandoned behind one starter call and/or headcanon post since I made them specific to one 'dead' fandom or whatnot). And also that I, somehow, get some quite mean/meaningful intended anons here for things that I did or not so hopefully moving places would make them disappear or even just appease them.

But on the other hand... this blog of mine has so much memories!! This is my oldest blog (November 2017!!) on this website, old peeps that were mutuals with me that still lurks in my followers list because the good times!! I had with them in the past!! before my hiatus are just!!!! And like, recently a few old mutuals of mine have been coming back to this site on a way or another with their older tumblr blog, or even just!! Keeping them there!! For the memories!! I put so much hard work on this blog and my writing over the years, especially with Cat (@/faultfindingfirebot) being such an old mutual of mine and developing our characters together!! All the memories with that ship is just!! Lurking here!! Everything is here!! With a simple mouse scroll through their blog tag!!

I know that moving blogs doesn't necessarily mean having to delete this blog, but still!! All the memories (even the cringe ones) are here and I just!! Don't want to lose this treasure y'know? I started on tumblr with this blog and I hoped to die on this hill still here! Maybe I'm just unnecessarily being emotional over this clusterfuck of a messy blog, but still! There's development from both me and the way I write my character with so much joy and not carrying much about fancyness! But apparently fancyness has become a major point in every rpc, to the point of really making me feel legitimately scared and/or hesitant to approach because some writers really despise mobile writers somehow... and it doesn't do wonders to my anxiety honestly.

So... Again, it might sound stupid of me to be emotional over this blog instead of quickly moving on like normal people should but as I mentioned repeatedly before... The memories that lures around this blog are one of the most important things that I could've asked for and this is why I'm opening up to you guys because I want to establish more communication with my mutuals publicly since I always sucked at keeping a stable conversation with each and everyone.

I reckon it might sound straight up weird for me to feel attached and just not do it like a normal person would and move blogs already without letting one's mind out but... I really, really cant help it at all. And I just couldn't stop it from happening too, even though I tried my best to avoid it. But scrolling back on this blog sometimes to see all the good and bad things me and High Tide has gotten through is just... developmentally nostalgic in a way, and sometimes I like to relive the old times no matter how cringe it seemed with both new and old time mutuals.

TL;DR: Should I just stop whining around and move on to try new experiences or stay here where I always belonged?

[ocdtgifsetarchive]

a potluck of sentences

because everything i see is always too short for my liking. mix of neutral, friendship, enemyship, and romance. absence of nsfw. quotes from pinterest, tumblr, etc.

"please just let me forget."

"ashes, we all fall down."

"are you crazy?"

"do i know you?"

"i hate you."

"no, i’m not going to."

"what are we doing here?"

"it's time to choose."

"you can’t change my mind."

"i already made up my mind."

"you frustrate me incredibly."

"i'm not gonna let you do that."

"i need you."

"i don't even want to look at you right now."

"together or not at all."

"don't do this to me!"

"for you, i would _____"

"do you love me?"

"think about what you're doing."

"why aren't you listening to me?"

"just leave me alone."

"i want to sleep forever..."

"if you don't terrify people a little bit then where's the fun in life?"

"what are you afraid of?"

"is that my shirt?"

"explain yourself."

"if you stay quiet, no one will know."

"come on, dance with me."

"we need to talk."

"if i disappeared, would you look for me?"

"are you threatening me?"

"i already regret this."

"don't you dare come near me!"

"i missed you."

"it's so beautiful."

"i want so badly to protect you from the world, because i know all too well how bad it can be."

"this seems familiar."

"i will be brutal."

"i love you, even if i wish i didn't."

"do you think i care about you so little than a simple betrayal would matter at all?"

"be mine"

"i guess this is goodbye."

"you need to leave."

"where you go, i follow."

"do you remember this?"

"what if someone catches us?"

"you'll always have little old me."

"i almost had you, didn't i?"

"you see the best in people."

"power belongs to those who take it."

"a knife, are you flirting with me?"

"do you think i care about you so little?"

"i need a drink."

"this is really inappropriate."

"just what did we do last night?"

"broken people understand broken people."

"there's no going back."

"if you don't want a sarcastic answer, don't ask a stupid question."

"the view is spectacular."

"what even was that noise?"

"enemies make the best lovers."

"i love you."

"i didn't think you'd care."

"you could have died!"

"don't let me die like this."

"are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"in my defense, i was left unsupervised."

"why can't you trust me?"

"come on, dance with me. the earth is spinning, we can't just stand on it."

"i am a great person."

"it was me."

"i think i broke it."

"you coward."

"you lied to me!"

"i'm not speaking to you anymore."

"put. the. weapon. down."

"give me another chance."

"have you ever done this before?"

"i broke my rules for you."

"kiss me, you idiot."

"make me."

"no, you can't die on me now!"

"what were you thinking?"

"don't you dare."

"well, that was unexpected..."

"you mean everything to me."

"i'm going to ignore you now."

"don't make me beg."

"how is that not hilarious?"

"we won't forget about each other, right?"

"truth hurts, don't it?"

"you could have killed someone!"

"why should i apologize for the monster i've become? no one ever apologized for making me this way."

"i have to go."

"how drunk are you right now?"

"i owe you."

"i'll be there in five minutes."

"what are you?"

"i think i'm forgetting something."

"i want to try this thing i read in a book."

"please, just calm down."

"i can't do this anymore."

"i'm bad for you."

"i'm going to be sick."

"history is written by the victors."

"what do you think you're doing?"

"you owe me."

"i'm the monster you created."

"that sounds painful."

"do you trust me?"

"are you even listening to me?"

"are you even listening to yourself?"

"i know your secret."

"i trusted you."

"i'll always have your back."

"what have i done this time?"

"give it back."

"i trust you."

"please stop losing your temper."

"what do you need?"

"you can cry if you need to."

"don't go, please."

"you have to run."

"i just want to be yours."

"i think i'm falling in love with you."

"i need a hug."

"what happened to you?"

"i was already calm, asshole."

"i'm hoping you'll understand me."

"are you sure nobody will find out?"

"don't look at me like that."

"i never loved you."

[journeytoasoberlife]

Day 5.

Today I've had many thoughts around my emotional stability and when I'll be able to see it plateau. Having a cluster b personality disorder will blur those lines, but that's something I've come to recognize. I'm unsure of the sober side of that, making it uncharted territory for me, which is harder to navigate.

I woke up this morning and continued doing laundry, I filed my weekly unemployment, applied for more jobs and tried to keep busy. I had to remind myself that I'm not a failure with this, the last two jobs I've had I was treated very poorly and got the shit end of the stick in the worst way. Where I normally filled my morning with mimosas or a seltzer, I'm drinking more coffee, which should be water but whatever. I am using nicotine to fill those gaps, which I'm currently fine with.

I hung out with my friend Alex today, she's 8 months sober. Before her sobriety we would drink the entire time we were together. It was a nice change of pace and I'm so proud of her journey. I too will be there one day. We got pizza and I learned that I am not a fan of basil in mocktails, I mean seriously, who thought of that?

My hiking boots will be here tomorrow and I'll spend some of my day breaking them in. I'm also meeting with another friend that I've recently reconnected with.

It's currently 11:52 pm and I know I won't be able to sleep for a while. Not going to bed high or tipsy is something I'm still struggling with. During the peak of my alcoholism I wasn't really sleeping, though that also was work related. I would maybe get 3-4 hours if I was lucky, waking up every ~2 hours almost like clockwork.

My emotions took a shit on me tonight, too. By that time I would've easily been on my 3-4 cider and would either be ignoring my emotions or in a full blown breakdown. I think writing these every night gives me the outlet I didn't know I needed or willingly ignored if I'm being honest.

I've been trying to eat more regularly but I haven't been putting as much energy into it as I should. T and I would get breakfast every morning and that was a nice shift for me. I know I won't be able to go to one of my favorite spots for a bit because I always drank there, but I do make good breakfast when I put some effort in. I really need to go shopping but I keep ignoring it. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'll also have to get another Elf Bar, the one I bought while T and I were out is killer on my throat and I know my good one will go bad soon, my novo could work if it dies and but that doesn't have nearly enough nicotine in it.

Things are adding up and I'm nervous about the weeks ahead. Will is coming home soon and my life will shift again, and I'm unsure how I'll be able to navigate that as well. He drinks a lot and while he was more than supportive, I'm worried about it.

I keep having to remind myself that I pulled out of this once before, and that was way worse than this time around. I spent the better half of 2019 drunk in a bar alone, waking up the next morning wondering how I was even able to drive home. That was the 5 year anniversary of my moms death and I couldn't shake it. I was living alone, having broken up with my partner, spiraling and wanting to die. I don't want to be in that place again, ever.

I'm worried that people will find me to be a liability, and in turn won't want to be in my life. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about something like that but there's people I never want to lose, even if the road gets rocky. I'm trying to be enough for myself, which I've never attempted before and quite frankly, I'm scared. I always made the joke that I was rawdogging life because I'm not medicated for my depression and anxiety, but now I'm really doing it and that's scary too.

I'm hoping for an easier day tomorrow. Hopefully I can find it.

Anyway, goodnight tumblr.

[hyuccubus]

Heads Up 7 Up!

Finally responding to the tag from @toribookworm22, who has been a kind presence on Tumblr while I got back into a headspace to share writing with the world. I owe her a thanks 😊 I'll tag @laguettler, @fayewynnskelton, @minutiaewriter, @queenofimaginedworlds, @jamieanovels, and @diamond-creates The snippet below is one I'm proud of, but it is a bit emotionally intense and references things like choosing to die and bigotry, so if you've already had a bad day, save it for a sunnier day. I'm on the other side of some rainy days myself, but I did use them to get some potent things down for the draft. Don't be afraid to ask for context, Pound of Flesh has a pretty lofty concept, though not so far fetched as to not feel like a potential future * * * *

“You really think people like that would ever respect me?” Val’s voice had raised itself from meekness to a tone of metered anger.  “They’d always find a reason to hate me. If I’m not a freak, I’m a pervert, and if I’m not a pervert, I’m a headcase. I will never be enough for them, I will never be what they want, and I’m not gonna think about what I want to do based on their backwards, selfish ideas. It is my body, and it’s my choice, and right now this feels like the best one for me. I’m not going on some debt creditor’s leash for the rest of my life. I’m not hiding who I am to climb the ladder high enough to get a job with the benefits I need. I’m not breaking my back every day in exchange for maybe getting what I really want. I’m not doing any of it. I’m giving this opportunity everything I’ve got. I guess you should just hope they reject me.”

“It is your choice. I’m just really afraid for you. You wouldn’t be doing this if you weren’t serious, but Val, you’re backed into a corner here. I get that, and I want to be there for you and support you, and this is support. What they’re doing… it’s just sick. They’re exploiting desperate, poor people for money and fame. You don’t deserve to be used like that.”

“I don’t think I do. I just don’t see what other choice I have.”

“Just… think about what I’m saying, Val. We can figure something out. I believe that. You don’t have to resort to this.”

“Will you still love me if I do?”

Cota paused for a moment. “I’m kinda surprised you think there’s much of anything you could do that would make me stop loving you. Of course I’d love you, Val. You’re my best friend. I’m just going to be upset that you’d think you have to go through so much pain.”

“It already hurts, Val. Every day. Every time I get dressed, or look in the mirror, or think about a friend I don’t get to talk to anymore. Every time I see a story about another kid, half my age, that just… decided being dead was easier than this. Every time someone treats me differently, like I’m a fucking alien. It hurts so much, and I just want all of it to mean something. I want that pain to have a healing moment. Everything else is just a band-aid. Every other way, I get the body, but I have to pay for it the rest of my life. I get the face, but I get let go at my job I busted my ass boymoding at for ten years because of ‘downsizing’. I get the voice, but I’m stuck hoping another loan forgiveness bill passes through a government where half of them would hang me before they shook my hand if they thought no one had a camera when they did it.”

[matches-is-meow]

Hello! Can I pls have a student romantic bnha matchup? I'm an Asian who uses she/they pronouns and an Aquarius and INTJ. My sexuality is bi demiromantic. I'm 5'0 with tan skin, black hair, brown eyes and glasses.I'm bilingual. People say I look intimidating and unapproachable since I don't smile or talk much around strangers but I try my best to be polite and nice.I'm very introverted and shy. I'll need to warm up to people but when I do, I will surprisingly be energetic.

I consider myself a fair, open minded and laid back person most of the time. I like to seek out my friends' company when bored. I either ask them to do something wholesome or something they are afraid of with me. I'm down to do anything with my friends. I'm hardworking if its something that interests me. I'm very creative but can't seem to make my ideas into reality mostly due to lack of resources or motivation. I'm kind of a pacifist but I will fight if pushed too far or my loved ones are endangered. I'm a pretty patient person.

My friends describe my  sense of humor as dark and cursed. I can be mischievous and chaotic but still reliable and smart.My hobbies are baking,gaming,art, true crime and supernatural stuff. I express my love with gifts and quality time more than physical affection but I'm ok with PDA. I tend to bottle up my sadness and anger. If I'm mad I get VERY snappy and moody. If I'm sad then I'll rant about it. My ideal type is someone who I can trust with my life,someone I've known for a long time, very respectful of my boundaries and protective. Sorry if its too much info. Thanks in advance and stay safe💗

Hey queen. You might not believe this, but RIGHT. BEFORE. I WAS HALFWAY DONE WITH YOUR ASK. TUMBLR DELETED IT. That’s kinda why this took so long!  so sorry for yelling. that said, we are so alike fr it was kinda scary. Hope you like your match up.

-Matches 

And your matchup is…

Jirou!

- since childhood, you and Jiro had been very, very close childhood friends, being neighbors directly next to each other. You were one of the only people in her life that really supported the dream she had of becoming a hero.  - Unfortunately, you two grew distant when she went to the hero course as she had to move to the dorms and the curriculum took up most of her time. - you did, however, have the chance to see her in concert, and it was frankly the start of quite a bit of pining on both sides. She felt so great that you came, but extremely guilty she couldn’t speak to you afterwards.

-Jirou finally plucked up the nerve to ask to hang out, and somewhere during this hangout, it kinda turned into a date. She probably took you out to a movie and dinner afterwards.

- when you two are able to be alone, she really likes to run her fingers through your hair and just… vibe with you. No words, just peace.

- She would probably die to see you bake, (for what ever reason she has a mild obsession with watching you do it) and she would definitely get you guys matching sweatshirts that say player one for you and player two for her. She would never wear it out in public tho.

- Look, if anybody, which they won’t, tried to harass you, Jiro’s first priority would be closing your eyes and saying “cover your ears sweetheart” because she is going to heartbeat them into oblivion 0 hesitation. Home girl takes no shit.

- Calls you sweetheart, honey, probably flower if she’s feeling it :)

- Jirou also has a very cursed sense of humor, btw, and if you haven’t watched the Dahmer series (you should) y’all would have more time laughing at it than being scared.

- - - -  Y’all are cute! Thanks for letting me write. 

[cheshirsh]

Hello! This is an absolute hail mary and there's a nonzero chance I'll just annoy you for no reason, but I saw your tags on the sacrificial maiden post (on account of being the OP, which actually makes this not anonymous, it's just easier to gather the courage to send things this way) and sort of. sat with them for a hot second. and decided to reach out - which I realize is a wild thing to do, but the trouble is I was there. I mean, not exactly going through whatever you are, on account of all people are different, but for a good chunk of my life I was suicidal. And I can't just, put all the hope for life I gathered over the years into a single Tumblr ask, but I can tell you a bit about the thought behind the post. Back in the day I used to idealize the noble sacrifice as like, the most solid way to go - there's a purpose, nobody would blame you, it feels complete. And while the post is very bitter it is first and foremost bitter at death, at this very idea of a noble sacrifice, because fuck no, actually, nothing, no "worthy" cause is worthy enough to demand your life of you. The people who thought they knew how much the sacrificial maiden's life is worth are dead wrong, because the answer to the question of "what's a solid enough reason to take a life?" is nothing, nothing is. And this isn't any deep philosophical shit, it's just that while you're alive there's always More Stuff. There's always a chance it all changes, fuck, maybe it even gets better. Maybe three years from now there's a day when you wake up and feel the happiest you've ever been, or maybe just okay enough that the idea of being around for a few more months doesn't feel too bad. It's not something anyone can really convince you of, certainly not a stranger on the internet, because I remember people telling me this three years ago and it all sounded like nonsense. The thing is, it doesn't anymore. There's some sort of tipping point between "couldn't be me" and "oh, yeah, that actually happened to me I think" I wasn't able to track, but it is there. I don't know if this is anything, but I genuinely hope you'll be okay. I hope we both are. This might all be nonsensical and silly but it's also probably the most sincere I've ever been.

hey, thank you

this made me cry

it does actually matter (even to the people on the internet who only know of me by tags) that I am here now even if I don't want to be. I really want to believe it would be better, I can never be sure it will, but your words give me some hope.

I think that I have a mental block on the actual action of suicide because I am conscious of the consequences of this, so the only way I see myself doing this would be when I am completely alone so there would be no one to be sad about me. I hope it gets better before I end up alone

thank you. I hope I won't find a "good enough" reason to die

[myfandomrambles]

@tessellated-sunl1ght

tessellated-sunl1ght

Hello I would like to know why bc I love reading your takes (and the Tumblr in-blog tag search function is a dumpster fire on a good day).. if you’ve already made a post you can just link it, I’m super curious 👀

Okay this is a goddamn mess but I hope it is somewhat coherent.

So one of my biggest problems is that I don't think Donna should have gotten her memories back side-effect free. Like I love Donna's end, things can be heartbreaking and not happy for the characters and still be good. Like it feels like they wanted Catherine & David back because of ratings/streams etc. and I need a better reason. I LOVE Donna and I've said so on this blog but it feels so cheap.

And the reason why was so clunky. Like loving the recognition of a nonbinary Doctor but like the idea that they as women can like let go when 14 can’t because he’s male presenting? I just don’t understand. Not to mention I don't think Donna has ever let anything go in her life, and I love that about her. 

I do admit that I was sensitive to the whole getting your best friend back when my own died only a few months before. I'll own up to that personal bias but I do think it maybe just shouldn’t be done and characters’ stories don’t need to be undone after they’ve meant something. 

Another thing is bigeneration is stupid? Like why do we need 14 running around? Why does that need to be a thing? I don't care so much that it breaks tradition, it annoys me sure, but it pisses me off because there is no reason. And I hate the idea they can just use them whenever and also why would the current Doctor need to come back to earth if you have a full-blown regeneration of The Doctor with a TARDIS? ugh

Like I don't read this as a poignant story about healing. And fuck do I understand running on fumes. But I relate to 12 being tired and not wanting to carry on much more. Also like Donna's gonna die soon in terms of how long a regeneration can last. So is Rose. So why does this break heal them and not like Darillium? Why are those 24 years worth less?

Not to mention guarding the vault for 60ish years. I get no loved one outside of Nardole but like he did stay there and teach and watch over Missy. So like I just I don't even know. 

And the flippant listing of all the trauma? That’s supposed to be moving because they hang on Adric’s name?  Like I've talked about those a lot on this account and listed them but like I'm making a blog post so be better! Think of better ways to reference all the past The Doctor's pain, I appreciate them noting all of the trauma but it doesn't feel like it's really artfully dealing with it

Just vaguely alluding to The Doctor getting better for some reason now? like there is so much more wrapped up in dealing with millennia of trauma than just having a good friend.

They even say in Wild Blue Yonder that it will take a million years to get better!

Then you have the lines about family and being happy in the end of The Giggle

DOCTOR 14: I love them. But here we are, Grandad and all. Who'd have thought? I ended up with a family.

&

DOCTOR 14: The funny thing is, I fought all those battles for all those years, and now I know what for. This. I've never been so happy in my life.

Like, do The Doctor's actual children and grandkids not count?

And the Ponds are similar to the Noble/Temples and they just do not count? And if they don't count, why?

Not to mention like all of the companions Ian & Barbara -> Yaz? Like why aren't they family?! So none of that time was as happy as this? Did The Doctor just not love all of those people as much as Donna?

We even have Sarah calling all 10's friends his family:

SARAH: You know, you act like such a lonely man. But look at you. You've got the biggest family on Earth. (Journey’s End)

It's frankly insulting to every person who's poured their heart and soul into this to say that only now he has a family and only now he's happier than ever before.

Only this character matters, and like I've literally written a post just about 10 & Donna's relationship and how singular it is, but that doesn't make her more important, it doesn't make her better than everyone else.

And I think 15 should have gotten classic regeneration moments and his own TARDIS interior. Like Yeah Ncuti Gatwa is killing it and many people were super excited about getting to see him for a full episode, it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t gotten his own TARDIS interior!

And if you're going to have 14 stay on Earth WTF does he get a TARDIS? Like if you're going to say staying still is healing then make him stay!

Okay, that was too long but my brain is still buzzing. I've been a fan for most of my life and it's been a companion for many of my worst moments. So I know I'm overly emotional but I think there are parts that aren't good.