#(unfortunately) I'm only adhd and no allergies

[mimikusu]

Today I learned that ppl with adhd are more likely to have allergies... and I'm very much obsessed with this now.

[variablejabberwocky]

Getting to Know You Meme

Tagged by @texasdreamer01. been a while since i did one of these so i guess imma do one again.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? no. which i've learned the hard way is a good thing rn. i am A Mess and i need to be less of one before i can contribute to a relationship

02) What was your dream growing up? i'm assuming this a "what did you want to be?" question and not something else ( i may be too autistic for this). in rough order: a paleontologist, an archaeologist, an astrophysicist. alas i was born chronically ill and Shit Happened so none of that panned out.

03) What talent do you wish you had? i have adhd. there are a LOT of "able to take care of self" skills/talents that elude me because i have the attention span of a concussed goldfish.

04) If someone bought you a drink what would it be? non-alcoholic. could go for a french vanilla icee or a chocolate shake tho

05) Favorite vegetable? none. they don't like me and the feeling is mutual. (due to Weird Health reasons they rip me up inside so i have to be VERY moderate with them and plan in advance for Misery Time)

06) What was the last book you read? i've been reading online stories almost exclusively for so long now that i don't actually remember. i THINK it was either a dresden files book or a godstalk series book.

07) What zodiac sign are you? *cackles* cancer sunsign, leo moonsign, geminai ascendant. so yes my sunsign is THE moonsign and my moonsign is THE sunsign. and my ascendant is very "this malarkey might as well happen". its very funny.

08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? no, unfortunately. i tried a long time ago to get my ears pierced and was only given the option of the little stand at a grocery store or not at all. so i HAD pierced ears (badly) and let them heal up because no earrings would actually fit (they pierced SIDEWAYS wtf)

09) Worst Habit? no clue but from what others in my life tell me one of the most annoying/funny habits is getting uppity when the color of the food clip doesn't match the color of the food packaging its used on. *false innocent tone* why yes my family DOES have a history of ocd, why do you ask?

10) What is your favorite sport? i am not a fan of sportsball. but to watch: ice skating. to play: badminton

11) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? both. both is good. (no but seriously im usually an optimistic pessimist. in that i plan for the worst and hope for the best. considering my... everything thats actually progress for me)

12) Tell me one weird fact about you. *looks down at my autistic ass* where do i even begin???

13) Do you have any pets? no, unfortunately. i used to but then my allergies got worse.

14) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? both? depends on the clown. they all have a bit of Creep to them but some also have some cute thrown in. and i like cute and creepy so...

15) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? *stares flatly at you in Trans* take a wild guess

16) What color eyes do you have? internal heterochromia green and brown. which means genetically they count as a Weird Green. and i have the most common type of heterochromia. so like Spicy Normal.

17) Ever been arrested? no. i did get escorted by the cops to a suicide watch place once tho. that was...not a great experience.

18) Bottle or can soda? neither, unfortunately. (same health issue that makes vegetables a pain also makes carbonation the bane of my existence)

19) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? give it to mom to pay the bills. i'm unemployable and rely on freebe shit so i can't use the money directly. (and i live with her so its not like it won't benefit me in some way either)

20) What's your favorite place to hang out at? home. creature comforts and all my meds are here in case of Health Issue Flairups

21) Do you believe in ghosts? *shrugs* eh. i'm kind of in a similar place to joy bibliosphere on this. check your carbon monoxide detectors and house for mold and shit first.

22) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? *~*WORLDBUILDING*~*. either reading about it or figuring it out myself. other people's settings or my own original settings. canon adjacent or full on aus. worldbuilding WORLDBUILDING WORLDBUILDING!!!

23) Do you swear a lot? *cackles* not as much as my teen years but yes. i'm still compared to a sailor at times.

24) Biggest pet peeve? hypocrisy, yes even in myself

25) In one word, how would you describe yourself? alien

26) Do you believe/appreciate romance? ??? like believe in? like think its real? buddy im not about to shit on other people's experiences just cause mine might be different. i LIKE romance but im not good at it and unsure if i'm somewhere on the arospec or not. doesn't mean its not real tho goddamn

27) Favourite and least favourite food? CHICKEN! i very much had a liaos moment when in my lifetime they were all "yeah all birds are dinosaurs" and realized my fave food was also one of my fave types of animals. least fave: greenbeans. i will throw up if i so much as smell them. even in a can i can detect them. not sure if its an actual allergy or just a truama response but its STRONG and NOT GOOD.

28) Do you believe in God? i'm an agnostic athiest (please for the love of fuck be chill about this. i WILL block even longstanding mutuals if they give me hell over this. do not test me.)

29) What makes you happy: special interests, good sleep, good food, fun time with people i care about, a break from health flairups, nice interesting weather, a well told story with a premise/characters i find interesting, unexpected good news

30) Currently listening/the last thing you listened to: uhhh. in general? a boatload of asmr white noise videos. music wise? a shortlist of 80s songs from my very early childhood (heads will roll, in for the kill, anything eurythmics, that kind of thing)

31) Favourite place to spend time: bed. im an insomniac. i HAVE NO CIRCADIAN RHYTHM. i don't GET rem sleep except in tiny less-than-a-minute bursts. any time in bed that im not in pain is blessed blessed REST time. and i need all i can get since i don't get as much out of it as most people do.

32) Favourite lyric: ??? at the moment no clue. i'll come back and change this if i think of something.

33) Recommend a film: the mummy movie with brendan fraser in it

34) Recommend a book: the coldfire trilogy (its fantasy! its scifi! there are two key ladies and a little girl with speaking lines and Very Important To The Plot powers! its got a gremlin of a man! it takes a cold hard look at some fantasy tropes and turns some on their head! it talks about the importance of redemption and the price you have to pay for it! it doesn't let a bad guy just DIE to get redemption! an asshole faces the consequences of their actions! there is a fairly strong Colonization Is Bad thread to the whole story!)

35) Recommend a band, a song, or album: you're gonna make me choose??? fuck that noise. in no particular order (and just going of of music): eurthymics, my chemical romance, matchbox twenty, imagine dragons, enya (if you want soothing), loreena mckennit (for soothing and narrative)

36) Recommend a TV show: i dont really watch tv. i cant handle all the ads, much less the noise difference is overwhelming.

37) Where are you from, and do you still live there? Where have you lived? SoCal. still live here. have only lived here. but i have visited a few spots on the coast and in nearby states.

38) Do you have any pets or animals in your life? How did you find/get them? not at the moment, but i used to. grandparents had an oldman bastard cat i adored as a kidlet. had guppies there for a while no clue where we first got them, they were cool but not really my interest (and was sad to watch them eat their own babies). had a dog i didn't want that bit me there for a short while (gave them to a good home). had a snake that died and we suspected foul play so stopped with the pets until we were somewhere safer. now im too sickly and prone to allergies to afford a pet.

39) What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? a cursed mixture of peanut butter, chocolate milk mix, cheeseitz and something else i forgot (garlic powder maybe?). i think i had some kind of nutritional imbalance because it actually tasted good to me for the first several bites and then it tasted like garbage. thank fuck that particular craving never happened again.

40) How did you 'find' fandom? looked up ferngully (it was new at the time) on the early internet and found my first fic (lol, oh boy!) got a little traumatized by not understanding what i stumbled upon and not knowing how to even begin to process it and backed off. a couple of years later went looking for gundam wing official art because that was my fave anime at the time and found a webring by accident. they had official art, fanart, and FANFICTION! they also very helpfully TAGGED THEIR SHIT so i learned what stuff meant and had in it and could make choices on what i could handle. and i've been in "fandom" ever since. although the current hyperfixation has changed several times since then. part of why finding a gundam wing fic from that era on ao3 (that DID NOT EXIST AT THE TIME) kind of jumpscared me, but in a good way

41) Make a list of 5 things that you see without getting up. phone, tea, stim toys, pill cutter, mints

42) How do you style your hair? i don't. i buzz it to less than a centimeter when i get annoyed by it then wait for it to grow out. when its long enough to annoy me i buzz it again.

No pressure tags: anyone who wants to do this.

[deadmomjokes]

Do you have any new adventures with bean?

Not so much an "adventure" as a "We all knew this day was coming, but now what do we do about it?" moment, but have the story nonetheless. (Because it is occupying my thoughts nonstop, mostly because she won't let it go.)

Picture this: It is bedtime for a young girl who historically hates bedtime. Because of this, we have done up her room with what one would consider The Works--blackout curtains, white noise machine, specifically-requested rainbow nightlight, and a brand new Big Girl Bed with a fancy headboard full of cubbies, which house her many stuffed animals/bedtime buddies.

Every night, she chooses one of these friends to sleep with (which may or may not get swapped three or four times throughout the night, because she is my child after all and indecision runs in our veins like a wild horse through a dewy morning field). This particular night, I ask "Which toy would you like to sleep with?" and she cheerfully says, "Duck."

Not a toy duck, mind you. It is a plushy cat named Duck, whom she loves very very much. Her other toy cat is named Toast. She is very good at naming things. But moving on.

She snuggles up with Duck the Cat, and I prepare to tell a bedtime story as usual. But something is wrong. In the pastel-neon glow of her rainbow nightlight, I see her eyes begin to well up. Her forehead wrinkles. Her eyebrows crease over a nose that is rapidly turning red beneath its smattering of freckles.

I am as confused as I am concerned. The protests and sorrows don't usually begin until after story time, when kisses and night-nights have been deployed. More importantly, they're usually all performative. But this is genuine sorrow.

Before I can open my mouth to ask what is wrong, she turns her watery baby blues on me and chokes out, "Mama, I'm sad."

I ask, "Why are you sad, baby?"

She looks from me, to her precious Duck the Cat, lying silent and still beside her on the pillow, and places a tiny hand on the plush, overstuffed head.

"Duck is my pretend pet cat. I'm sad because there is not a real cat." And she once more fixes me with a weepy, heartbreaking look of soul-crushing despair and says the words I have long dreaded: "I want to have a real pet cat."

Y'all, her dad is allergic to cats.

I'm not talking "sneezes and sniffles" allergies, either. I'm talking "was rushed to the ER as a child," "breaks out in full-body hives," "has full-blown reactions from simply interacting with people who have recently held a cat" kind of allergies. His allergies are so severe and sensitized that he essentially functions as radar for cat owners: hug someone and wait for the sniffles and itchiness. It never fails. There is no way this man could ever coexist in a house with a cat for longer than a few hours while doped up on benadryl, even one of the "hypoallergenic" breeds (which is very misleading and dangerous misinformation, but that's a whole other post in itself).

I mean, it's not like we can have a pet right now anyway. We live in a no-animals housing situation. We're also likely to move cross-country by the end of the year or early next, which would be difficult on any animal. I'm working on finding the right meds for my ADHD, my husband is running around to post-op PT and followups, Bean is dealing with her own specialty appointments for her gastric issues. It's just not a great time to bring in a pet. But the one-- the only one-- we could never have in our house to begin with is the one that my daughter happens to catch a Pining for at a grand 3.5 years old, which is, perhaps, the worst possible age to try and explain the many reasons we should not/cannot have a pet right now. Especially the one she wants.

The wee one knows Dad can't be around cats. That's part of why she was so sad. But the Pack-Bond Longing has officially come upon her, and she wants a pet. Really, really wants a pet.

Unfortunately, she comes by it naturally. My husband and I are both Animal People to the core. We run the Slimy Critter Rescue Brigade when it rains. Despite crippling anxiety disorders, I once skipped classes and made 3 hours worth of phone calls (as well as sacrificed my favorite handmade jacket) to catch an injured seagull that tried to take my face off multiple times. Her dad can't resist petting a cat if it comes within his line of sight even though he knows good and well it will have severe consequences. I have broken housing rules multiple times to care for injured or orphaned animals, only some of which were domestic pet species.

So it's not just her. We are all in Deep Mourning at the moment. It doesn't help that our brilliant genius child remembers the kinds of animals that Dad is not allergic to. She tells us at least once a day that she really wants to have a pet, and it is okay that we cannot have a cat in our house because Dad is not allergic to lizards/some dogs/fishes/birds/snakes/guinea pigs (that appears to be in order of desire), so maybe we can have one of those animals for a pet.

Worse, any one of us technically qualifies for an ESA to bypass the housing issue.

As the adults, we're trying really hard to be strong and think of the best thing for an animal, which does not include entering into a household in transition and likely to uproot soon.

But she's right and speaks for all of us: "I want a real pet animal to be in my house." :(

[queendopamine]

Opening up about mental health, the healthcare system, and my diagnoses

I'm no stranger to therapy. Though I've never lasted longer than 6 months, I've tried different therapists over the years. I know I need to dig in and do some deep, hands-on work. I've gotten by with some of the tools they've given me, as well as my own efforts at attempting self-help.

In May, I went back to therapy and also saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever. I did a psych eval with her last week.

I received a diagnosis of anxiety, PTSD, and Bipolar. These are also things the therapist had evaluated me for and talked to me about. I scored high on her tests for them. I've always been good at tests...The damn test was how I got my bipolar diagnosis in 2010. Some NP at a walk-in clinic gave me a couple assessments and heard my story about how I reacted on Prozac. Said that depression was only telling half the story and gave me some meds. I had to go off them after a couple months because I got pregnant, but that was as far as I ever went in my Bipolar journey.

Since 2010, I had distanced myself from the Bipolar dx and label. Not only did I not like the stigma, but I just didn't relate to it as much as other things. Borderline seemed to address a lot of similar symptoms. At one point, I even thought I had DID. In 2020, like many chronically-online Millennials in the pandemic, thought I might have ADHD. For much longer, I've considered that I have OCD.

But for now, my doctor is choosing to treat the Bipolar and said she didn't "get ADHD vibes from me" and for now, she wouldn't agree that I have ADHD (I got through school, I finish my work on time, I paid attention to her questions --those were her reasons). She said I might have OCD tendencies based on what I described but she didn't fully label me as OCD or change my treatment at all.

She did say that over time, things could change--as in additional dxes might be given or they might be changed. And of course, we might try different treatments. It's all trial and error.

To start, I'm going on a mood stabilizer (Vraylar) and an anti-anxiety medicine (hydroxizine). I hope I can find the right combination of meds and that the side effects will be minimal and manageable. I havent been on a mood stabilizer in a long time. I don't really remember much about it. I've tried many different anti-depressants and Xanax. The anti-depressants always seemed to make me worse and Xanax just makes me sleepy as fuck.

My doctor gave me an overview of the Vraylar and Hydroxizine. She told me the symptoms and what to look out for. But then reading the pamphlets about them gave me a whole different perspective. Drowsiness was the big one that stuck out to me for both--not only did she not warn me about this, but she even told me hydroxizine wouldn't cause me to be sleepy and I could take up to 400mg a day and I'd be fine. It would help me sleep, but it wouldn't put me to sleep, like Xanax would, in her words.

Like many anti-depressants or mood stabilizers, Vraylar warns of potential weight gain. But it also can cause high blood sugar and high cholesterol. I already have elevated cholesterol so that's unfortunate. I didn't tell my psychiatrist this and now I am wondering if she'll switch meds when I do tell her. I'm not sure why I didn't mention it. All those potential side effects worry me though. I already struggle with my weight and because of my PCOS, I am pretty much already at risk for diabetes--though no tests have come back to indicate that I'm even pre-diabetic, so that's good. The cholesterol is something to worry about though and I will bring that up when I see her again.

Drowsiness is the worst symptom though and I'll tell you why. It's because I switched back to Zyrtec for my allergies and even though I take it at night, it's just a lot. it makes it hard to get up the in the morning. I can handle it okay during the day when I halve the pill, but I still end up dragging around, fatigued. I hope my body adjusts. I don't want to be tired all day. I have horrible allergies and have been receiving allergy shots for them, which contributes to fatigue on shot days. I can't live my life like a zombie all the time.

Just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and annoyed. I know it's going to take time to adjust to both new medications and even to the Zyrtec. And if Vraylar and Hydroxizine don't work, it will be onto something else. I'm just eager to get it right and feel fulfilled and content. I want to be able to workout if I want to. I want to relax if I want to. I just don't want to be ruled by fear or lack of energy or zero motivation. I want to be in control of my body. Drowsiness is opposite of this.

Onto the PTSD...that shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I wasn't expecting that. I don't know if the meds will help with my PTSD symptoms. But I know that my stepmom and her sister both receive ketamine treatment periodically. Both of them have bad depression and it helps them tremendously. According to the website, it helps with PTSD and bipolar symptoms as well. So I've considered that as an option, but I want to try meds first.

That brings me to the other issue--cost. I'm lucky that I can pull together the funds when needed and tighten up spending enough to afford these expensive-ass therapy/psych appointments. I also have a boyfriend I live with who makes almost 2x what I do and can pick up the slack or give me money if I really need it. Most people are not in that situation. There are people in my own family who cannot afford certain things. Mental health is a luxury to them.

Something so important and life-changing is a luxury that they can't afford. It's tragically common. Health insurance in the US is a joke. I can't even bill them for these sessions. It's not that they don't cover any mental health/behavioral health (though that's part of it sometimes), it's that the places I have visited do not bill health insurance for some reason. Maybe it's harder to work with them. maybe there's something about the way they bill. I truly do not know. But it's expensive as hell and I know if it were easier, they would bill insurance.

So yeah it's hard enough that I have to scrape together the money and really budget out my spending and think of every dollar. But there are people who have to do this with groceries, with feeding their children! People who have to choose which bills to pay. They can't just scrape together some extra money and spend it on mental health. Those people are fucked. and then their kids, who grow up in poverty or who are surrounded by this constant survival mentality, will grow up traumatized and in need of therapy they can't afford either. The cycle continues.

Does the government care? No. This system isn't built well and it's failing the people who need it the most.

I could talk more about the PTSD and Bipolar. what they mean to me and the symptoms I'm having. But I'm tired (go figure) and this is all I can manage.

[taraelghrimwilliams]

Friends, family, random internet users who, for some reason or another, happened upon this page, welcome to my diary. Since it's hard to let every single friend know whenever something new happens in my life, I've decided to start a diary. This way, I can update those who care enough to keep updated. However, I'll still start this as I would a normal diary: by writing information about myself.

My name is Tara Elghrim Williams. I am twenty six years old, and I'm living out of my car in rural America. My only marketable skills, if you could call them as such, is my writing (which I'm told is above average despite me harshly disagreeing) and my graphic design work, which is still quite amateurish as I do it as a hobby, not a profession.

I am a trans woman who suffers from a multitude of mental health problems. Diagnosed, I have PTSD, OCD, anxiety, and depression. Through researching symptoms, I do believe that there is a possibility that I may suffer from ADD/ADHD, and it may be possible that I am also on the autism spectrum. However, as none of those have been diagnosed (due to lack of funds and insurance), I do not pretend that I definitely have any of them.

This all started around a year ago now. It was a single meme. Something about taking a bunch of Benadryl and getting high to see a shadow monster. I dismissed it as a joke, but eventually curiosity got the better of me. I got high off of them. And it uprooted my entire life.

Everything was strange. I didn't see monsters, but I felt calm. For the first time in years, I felt zen. And then I fell deeper into that high. My music was distorted. I could feel the vibrations rattling my very core. My body could barely move, I was physically unable to speak due to both my mouth being so relaxed and my mind being so, for lack of a better term, laggy. Nothing felt real anymore. It was as if I fell through reality and into a dream where existing didn't hurt anymore.

But of course, after falling asleep, I woke up to the aftermath of this kind of high. Everything was sore. Everything felt wrong. I felt wrong. I wanted to feel that way again. I had to feel that way again. So, I kept abusing allergy medication. I kept getting high behind my fiancee's back. Slowly but surely, this changed me. I became more secretive. I became distant. Eventually, I even became someone else entirely. Someone I've grown to despise.

I cheated on her. It wasn't physical, and I didn't even realize what I was doing in my drug addled state of mind. But it was true. I cheated on her. I was disgusted with myself, and planned to kill myself that same day. She gave me the older of our two cars, a kindness she didn't have to extend to me, and despite crushing her so thoroughly with my actions, she still stood by me and insisted that I go to my parents house instead of killing myself.

I wish I could have taken back the implication that I was going to end my life. Not because I wish I had gone through with it, but because she didn't deserve to have an even greater burden on her mind while going through something so devastating. Unfortunately for us both, I can't take back any of the actions I've taken, wish as I might.

That was around five months ago. Every day, the weight of my sins grows heavier upon my back. The worst part is not knowing why I truly feel this guilt. I want to believe that this guilt is because I truly regret my actions. I hurt the one person in this world that I ever saw myself marrying. The person who I would have given up everything to be with. My highschool sweetheart, my soul mate, and above all of that? My best friend.

But there's a nagging at the back of my head. Do I truly regret it? Or do I regret getting caught? Do I regret losing the woman who sacrificed so much to keep me happy and healthy because I appreciate what she did for me, or because it cost me the roof over my head? More importantly, why do I want to ease this burden of guilt? Do I truly just want her to heal from me harming her, or do I just want to feel good about myself, being able to pretend to the world that despite straying, I'm still a good person?

It kills me not being able to know.

From there, I lived with my father briefly. My stepmother was unreasonable as ever. Despite my plethora of health concerns, such as my tendency towards suicide while stressed and experiencing the most stress I've ever endured in my life, she insisted that I get a job within the month, or else I'd be kicked out. Eventually, as the aspect of holding down a job in my current mental state was unbearable and the deadline was drawing nearer, I made up a lie. I pretended to get a job to get her off of my back while I attempted to figure something else out.

My stepmother, though, is nothing if not the nosiest human being on the planet. Somehow, despite her busy schedule, she managed to find enough time to invade my privacy and snoop around where I claimed to work. She had a friend there that she asked about my employment with, which led to a massive fight.

I left that day, telling them both that I would rather die on the streets than ever live in the same house as her. Her years of mental and verbal abuse was too much for me to deal with anymore.

My plan then became to move in with a friend of mine, one who said they had the space for me and was willing to take me in. I would have to wait some time for them to figure out arrangements for me, so in the meantime, I left for Kentucky to stay with another friend temporarily.

Here, I'd like to take a small break from explaining the past to thank someone very dear to me. A friend that I'll call Sue for privacy reasons. Sue couldn't and still cannot take me in, but I absolutely would not be here today without their help. They've sent me more money and support than I could have ever expected from or asked of them. Without their help, I never would have made it to Kentucky, and I'd most certainly have died by now. If you're reading this, and I'm sure you will at some point, you really are a saint for helping me through these dark times.

I got to Kentucky without incident and met my roommates, a fellow trans woman who I'll call Jill, and a bisexual (or formerly bi turned gay? Unsure of which) man that I'll call Jack. Jack and Jill could only host be for about three-ish months, but hopefully, that would be more than enough time. I helped out with rent and groceries where I could, and as time went on, I got the bad news.

My friend who had previously offered to take me in had to rescind the offer. I don't remember if they told me what happened or if they purposefully left it vague, but I assume it had something to do with finances. Either way, that threw a wrench in my plans. A fairly large one at that. I used the rest of my time looking for a new plan while staying with Jack and Jill, and eventually contacted an old family friend. They were willing to help out! Great. I left Kentucky hopeful, but by the time I got back home, things had changed again.

An illness in the family meant money was going to be tight. And this meant that I was now living out of my car in a cold winter, mere days before Christmas, right before a blizzard was set to hit us. Thankfully, my dad was able to put me in a hotel for a little under a week, either five or six days. Long enough to wait out the negative fifty (with windchill) temperatures and the intense winter wind. During this time, my laptop charger broke, and I spent nearly half of my Christmas money getting new chargers that didn't work. Despite having charging cables that matched my port, none of them actually charged the damn thing, meaning I was now out of not only my only escape from reality, but my connection to charity organizations and government aid programs.

This last week has been one of the most eventful, as I've been rejected by one charity, found another, got pulled over by a literal saint of a police officer that helped me discover the previously mentioned charity, got to help a stranger jump their car in a gas station... Things are honestly changing so fast that its even hard for me to keep up with everything! That's all of the important bits about the past. Now, it's time to focus on the future.

[thebibliosphere]

Hello Joy! Long time follower and I really enjoy your blog. I just wanted to hope into your asks bc i've had a very frustrating day of doctors appointments and even if you don't have any advice, i was just hoping to rant to someone who'd been around the block with elusive medical illnesses (though please dont feel obligated to respond to this at all), and i apologize in advance for an almost certain lack of coherence.

I've been dealing with quite a lot of doctors appointments over the years, from treating insomnia, my adhd, and depression and anxiety, but long story short we have discovered 2 years ago that I have low b12. I have also been dealing with a chronic cough for 2.5 years. Unfortunately, oral supplements did not work for the b12 and i had to get monthly injections, which stopped when the pandemic hit and, despite doing for 4 months, didnt bring my levels up to normal anyway.

I recently restarted the injections, but my doctor will not approve my request to have more frequent injections, which i think i need, because its not fatally low (its at a 170 based on recent bloodwork). I finally saw a respirologist for my cough, and she has no idea what the cause of it is, even suggested that its psychsomatic, and put me on a different inhaler that i tried before (ive tried a million treatments for it, from post nasal drip meds to ppis for acid reflux to allergy meds, and the inhaler is the only thing that helped a little).

I've gained 20-25 pounds in the past 2 months, when ive been the same weight since i was a teenager (im 22), but my bloodwork continuously come back normal for everything but b12 and vitamin d, so my doctor also has no explanation for that (including normal tsh, and the last time i brought up testing other thyroid factors the doctor told me they dont do that and honestly made me feel silly for asking. Though, granted, my current doctor is a different one). I'm going insane because of how tired i am all the time, and the fact that I feel like a hypochondriac bc all my tests are always normal, and my doctor is only available for appointment once a month.

Sorry for the long block of text, i just feel, when looking at your blog, a sense of hope that eventually i'll have answers and you're just really great. ❤ i hope you had a really good day today ❤

Get a new doctor! Get a new doctor right now!

When you dip below 250 is when you can start to experience chronic fatigue, mood disorders and worsening cognitive function.

170 is when you're on the cusp of things getting seriously bad and depending on your homocysteine levels can start to cause pain and nerve damage. This is also when my hematologist estimates I started to sustain prolonged damage to my nervous system. This was also when I started experiencing the symptoms of early onset dementia.

140 is when my iron and folate levels tanked suddenly and I was so symptomatic my (then) new doctor was worried I had cancer and rushed me through seeing seven specialists in a week. The same day as seeing the hematologist it dipped below 110 and I started hemolyzing and went into medical crisis as my kidneys and heart started to struggle. I owe that hematologist and his team my life.

The good news is the shots you are getting right now are keeping you stable, but your doctor should NOT be waiting for your levels to hit crisis mode to resolve this issue. Please do not give up on this, you deserve better treatment.

Also, what kind of supplements are you taking?

I don't absorb Cyanocobalamin well through my gut, which is the most common type of oral supplement prescribed. What I do absorb through the gut is Methylcobalamin, so if you haven't tried that yet, it might be worth a shot to try and help you manage your levels on your own. Same with folic acid, I don't absorb it for shit, but when I switch to a methylfolate supplement, my numbers start to climb*. If you have tried this and it's been ineffective, then I'm going to emphasize that you need to push your doctor to increase your number of shots to get your levels up because what you are living with is not an acceptable quality of life, and I am so sorry :(

I hope you are able to rest and have better days in store soon. Take care, and if you want to talk about b12 or stuff, hit me up.

---

*Before anyone asks, yeah, I'm aware of the MTHFR gene mutation. I just can't test for it because the procedure is considered to be "investigational" and neither my geneticist nor my insurance wants to run it and I don't want to sell my data to a gene company lol.

[sunel0]

Something Dark Is Waiting in the Woods: Chapter 2

<Previous • Masterpost • Next>

You can read it on AO3

Rating: Explicit

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV)

Relationship: Theo Raeken/Stiles Stilinski

Characters: Stiles Stilinski, Theo Raeken, Scott McCall (Teen Wolf), Liam Dunbar, Mason Hewitt, Lydia Martin, Jackson Whittemore, Kira Yukimura, Nogitsune (Teen Wolf), Dread Doctors (Teen Wolf)

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Magical Stiles Stilinski, Magical everyone but Theo, Possession, Background Relationships, Murder, Minor Character Death, they kill the DD okay it's fine, Familiars, Human Familiars, Under-negotiated Kink, or more like not negotiated but they are both into it, Hand Jobs, Light Dom/sub, Orgasm Denial, Familiar Bond, Aged-Up Character(s), They are in university

Words: Chapter: 5995/Total: 9995

Chapters: 2/11

Huge thanks to @amatchinwater for beta-reading!

***

Stiles was woken up by a cold wet nose against his cheek. Something fluffy against his neck. That was weird. The only animal in their house was in Beacon Hills and it didn't have any fur anyway. There was also an extremely annoying ray of sun shining happily right into his face, making him scrunch up his nose but not being able to turn away because of the cold wet nose.

And then it hit him that they didn't have animals in the house.

"What the…"

And then whatever hit him the first time backed up to hit him again and he remembered finding his familiar yesterday. His eyes flew open.

And promptly closed again, because the sun was still there ready to give him the spots.

The nose nudged his cheek again.

"Okay, okay, I'm awake," he pushed the nose away, afraid the wolf would try to lick his face, which he wasn't mentally ready for yet, they didn't know each other like that yet. "I'm up." He sat up, blinking the spots away and stretching with a long, loud sigh. He could hear the wolf's claws hit the floor despite it being carpeted.

Those must be some big claws.

Stiles dragged his hands over his face, gaining the strength to stand up.

The weather cleared up a lot, but the sky was still gray and gloomy for the most part. And Stiles still somehow got sunshine in his face despite this. That sounded just like his luck.

Stiles checked his phone, yawning. 7:26 am. He slowly turned his eyes to look at his familiar indignantly. The wolf was looking in the direction of the kitchen that was clearly visible through the arch entrance between it and the living room.

"Is this going to be my life now? Waking up at dawn to walk you or something."

The wolf looked at him with its blue eyes, clearly deeply unimpressed. Then it turned around and walked in the directions of the kitchen.

Which made Stiles come to two conclusions: first, from this perspective he could tell this was a boy, and second, he didn't have any food to feed him properly. Or at least he didn't know what to feed him. Now that it was morning, he wasn't sure that he should give the wolf the ground beef he had in the fridge.

Stiles scrambled up, rubbing his eye, that was itchy for some reason. He hoped he wasn't allergic to wolf fur suddenly. That would have been kind of a big problem.

Very unfortunate indeed. Spending his whole life on allergy meds in addition to his ADHD ones. That painted a fantastic life perspective for him.

"I need to figure out your name though," he walked into the kitchen, where the wolf was smelling all the cabinets.

Well, as long as he didn't try to get onto the counter, Stiles guessed it was okay.

"Don't try anything," he said, wagging his finger at the wolf just to be glanced at and mostly ignored.

With a sigh, Stiles opened the fridge, peering into it with bleary eyes.

Wolves were terrible at being trained, weren't they? He was going to have to deal with a huge dangerous animal that would hardly listen to him? No, that couldn't be true. People dealt with them somehow. There had to be some kind of magic in place, Stiles just had to do more research about familiars.

How did it even happen if he hadn't done it before?

The meat was thawed but still cold enough, so it was probably fine. Plus it looked like somewhere during the night electricity came back up. Stiles was planning to make some burgers from scratch, and put it into the fridge from the freezer yesterday morning.

It was just some beef. He should probably Google what domestic wolves eat, since the wolf now had to be domestic, but he didn't have much choice right now.

Because it wasn't like he could get any other form of raw meat, and it was probably the closest thing he could get in general around the campus.

"Do you want some beef?"

There was a huge fluffy head sneaking to look into the fridge from under Stiles' elbow, sniffing the package in his hand with interest.

Stiles petted the head with his free hand and got an ear twitch in response.

He didn't know if this was good or bad. He didn't know anything about wolves, really. He should probably do something about it. Another subject to read up on.

Also, he should probably arrange a vet appointment sooner rather than later. What if this big boy got some parasites or something.

And buy all the things he would need for a wolf. The rules were probably close to a dog, right? How different was a domestic wolf from, let's say, a husky? A leash, a collar, a muzzle, some toys if this boy liked them, a bed, bowls, some shampoos, some clothes for when it's raining and some boots for when the asphalt is too hot…

Were there even vets that knew how to deal with wolves in town?

Was this even a wolf?

Did Stiles have money for all of that?

Stiles looked down at his familiar.

He looked back up at Stiles.

The fridge started beeping.

Stiles closed it properly and opened it again looking for he didn't know what.

This was going to be a long day.

***

"I think giving him the beef was a good call, but you should really find an actual vet. With a license and everything. The uni has to have someone who knows about wild animals, including the big ones, there are several there. And where else would they have one anyway?"

Scott had a point. Universities and a couple of big schools were kind of the centers of magical communities. It was, in a way, the easiest place to congregate around, so if there were magical vets specializing in something like big wild animals, they were most likely to be found in a university.

Stiles waved his hand with a chip in it around, anyway, dismissing Scott. He figured out he actually didn't have the money for a vet, and it wasn't that likely that the wolf would die on him, so he decided to take the risk.

"You are a real vet. Just a budget version. Exactly what a poor student needs."

The wolf was lying across Stiles' lap, like a huge heavy blanket, but breathing and with a heartbeat. And leaving black fur literally everywhere.

"I haven't even graduated yet," Scott rubbed his cheek on the other end of the phone screen.

The wolf turned around and took Stiles' chip gently into his teeth, eating it. He didn't even touch Stiles' fingers, but Stiles still didn't expect it, so he was startled a bit.

"Hey! You aren't allowed to eat this!"

"Did he eat your chip?"

"Yeah, he's being a naughty boy. You're a naughty boy, aren't you," he rubbed the wolf's neck with his free hand, smearing some grease from the chips onto the freshly washed fur, making a face at him, talking to him like to a baby.

The bath went way better than Stiles had expected, so he came to the conclusion that the wolf was most likely actually domestic, so Stiles needed to find his previous owners and tell them, maybe pay them something. Another thing on his endless list of things to do. The wolf jumped into the bath himself, waited patiently while Stiles fumbled with the water, and moved just right to help Stiles try to get all of the fur. And there was a lot to get. Stiles had to use his own shampoo, which was probably bad, but the wolf desperately needed a bath, and now neither of them had any shampoo.

Then the wolf waited patiently while Stiles got a towel and let Stiles dry him without any complaints. Even when Stiles had to resort to a blow-dryer. A very old and cheap and absolutely useless one that Mason once got for some sort of random modeling project or something and had never used since. It almost burned from the strain of trying to get through so much fur.

What didn't go well was the shedding. It was the beginning of spring, and Scott said wolves shed around this time, and, well, it seemed to be accurate, judging by the amount of black fur left literally everywhere. And the wolf had been here for less than a day.

But there was a lot of fur, both on the wolf and on everything around him, including Stiles himself, because the wolf wouldn't leave him alone even for a second. He sighed in Stiles' lap, apparently satisfied with life.

Probably leaving behind more fur.

And not even opening an eye to look at him when Stiles talked to him.

That looked to be Stiles' fate from now on. Being ignored and covered in black fur.

The fact that it was black was the worst part of it, really. There was no hiding it or from it. Nothing would cover it completely, unless his whole friend group re-qualified into Men in Black.

Maybe Stiles should collect it, weave it and then learn how to knit to make everyone clothes that would actually hide the fur attack.

Anyway, the wolf didn't even move when Stiles talked to him, seemingly fast asleep, there wasn't even an ear twitch. Despite having just stolen a chip. Stiles knew he wasn't asleep.

He nudged the wolf with his knee, but he was too heavy for Stiles to move properly.

"You should name him," Kira said from Scott's side, appearing on the screen of Stiles' phone.

"Yeah, probably. Do you want a name?" The wolf looked at him this time, lazily, his eyes barely open, and moved his head in a way that very much resembled a shake.

Was he a trained circus wolf, actually? Could he do that? Were there circus wolves? Were there still circuses with animals?

"No? But I need to call you something. I can't just call you ‘Wolf'," Stiles knew he was talking in this voice people only ever used for very little children and pets (or to be annoying), and he had already established that the wolf didn't enjoy it, but Stiles couldn't help himself.

It was an automatic response.

He still felt kind of euphoric from finding his familiar. Well, from his familiar finding him. That's how this magic worked. Your familiar would find you in the time of greatest need and shit.

Liam got his Sega when his parents were divorcing. Stiles tried not to think about what it meant for what was ahead of him in the nearest future, considering the wolf didn't come when his mother was dying and his father was slipping away with her.

The wolf turned away from him, but didn't leave completely, so Stiles counted it as a success.

"Lord Barkula! Like, you know, from that movie where he could only die from a lycanthrope's bite, but like… also Dracula…" both Kira and Stiles looked at Scott with a healthy measure of skepticism.

The wolf made a noise that vaguely resembled a laugh, and Stiles got briefly worried, but he seemed to be breathing fine and not choking on anything, so it must be okay.

"He's a wolf, not a dog."

"I know! But what do you call a wolf?"

"That's exactly what my question is."

"Is it even that different? We named both Jackson and Liam's familiars after jokes, why not mine?"

"Well, yours is way cooler…" Scott shook his head in disbelief.

"I can't believe you got a wolf though," Kira interjected.

"I know, right?! That's so cool!" Stiles ran a hand over the wolf's back.

He seemed to enjoy touching, which Stiles was very relieved about. But then again, why wouldn't his familiar enjoy touching? Magic always made a perfect match. Like soulmates or something, but with animals.

"I wonder why you would become that strong," Scott's expression was thoughtful.

And this was also a great question Stiles hadn't asked himself yet. Well, more like he actively pushed it out of his mind.

He knew some of the magic theory about how familiars worked, and according to it, a familiar was determined by how powerful the magician would ultimately become, and it made sense when you got a familiar as a child when the familiar was clearly meant for a stronger person, your magic was still growing and changing, and you would grow into your familiar. But Stiles was an adult. His magic wasn't supposed to grow anymore. That's why most people found their familiars in their twenties – their magic was finally stable. And Stiles' magic wasn't strong enough for a wolf.

The thing was, the stronger the person was, the bigger and, hypothetically, smarter their familiar was, and a wolf was very much up there. Normally people had animals like hamsters or mice, cats were a bit less common, and dogs were already super cool, but a whole wolf – this was a lot.

Of course, these things happened. Stiles had a person with a bear in his class, which was super inconvenient. There were even known cases of people having had other people as familiars. Which was way out there, there were maybe two people like that now living in the world.

Well, their familiars weren't exactly people. They were were-creatures. Which automatically put them below witches in the magical society. Closer to the non-magical population, because apparently you couldn't be both a werewolf and a witch. Same as Kira was a Kitsune and Lydia was a banshee, and neither of them were witches and couldn't have familiars and their magic was different at its core, etc. Were-creatures could probably be fine in the non-magical world, but it was harder for them to properly control their shifts without magical help. So it was weird and created dynamics that were sometimes abused, but then were-creatures who learned their control well enough could live fine without witches that treated them badly.

Luckily, it still wasn't a general trend.

Although Stiles thought that Lydia could actually have something like a familiar, but not quite and there were no guarantees she would ever get it.

Anyway, a person had to be, well, extremely powerful to get a were-creature as their familiar.

And while a wolf did boost Stiles' confidence, like, immensely, he objectively wasn't strong enough to need one. So the question was, when and how he was going to become strong enough to need a wolf as his power bank.

The thought was terrifying even without Stiles spiraling into an anxiety-induced guessing game of growing and growing horror.

Because the magic was never wrong, and there were things that could make someone stronger. And none of them were good or safe or even wanted most of the time.

Like a possession.

For a short period of time. Like a flash of power that immediately went away.

Stiles felt the presence in the back of his mind, and it was satisfied with his thinking process. It was definitely getting bigger, slowly sending its tentacles deeper into Stiles' mind, finding its rooting there. Stiles was still surprised he didn't have a nightmare last night, but he didn't expect it two nights in a row. At least the demon wasn't strong enough to get to him in the waking world yet.

Or maybe it didn't go with its plans.

The wolf turned back at him, suddenly, sniffing the air, watching him closely, as if feeling something, something that interested him.

Interested but not worried. He didn't growl or show any kind of sign of feeling threatened.

Stiles wondered if it was actually possible for the presence and the wolf to feel each other through Stiles, because he could very clearly feel both of them. Or maybe he sensed Stiles' spike in anxiety? Could it feel the demon? Smell it on Stiles? Would he understand that it was dangerous even if it was in the body of his witch?

Stiles looked at his familiar, and his familiar looked at him.

"Can I spread a possession to my familiar?"

Scott seemed to be confused about the connection, but still nodded.

"Yeah, but only if you lose yourself completely. Your familiar is kind of the last safe space for your soul in case of possession. Some people had moved their souls fully into their animals until there was a way to stop their possession."

Stiles felt horrified.

"And what if they never figured it out?"

Scott shrugged.

Stiles shook his head.

Kira pressed her hand over her mouth.

This sounded like a terrible fate. Both for the human and for the animal, and them both together. A witch loves their familiar, and to knowingly move into them, probably push them out of their own body… That's why Stiles has never even considered becoming a magical vet when getting into university. Plants didn't get possessed.

On the other hand, they also usually didn't get one possessed.

Of course, only Stiles could get into something like that. If there was a way, he would find it.

The presence stirred some more. Stiles didn't understand what triggered it to wake up suddenly.

"Have you found something about what happened to you?" Kira asked.

Stiles shook his head.

They talked about Lydia and Jackson's wedding preparations.

***

The day went by amazingly uselessly. Stiles had done literally nothing, and was trying to tell himself that he was bonding with his familiar and that took a lot of time. He wasn't just losing valuable time, not even working, getting some money for some adorable raincoats for his familiar.

And this actually was mostly what he did: first he ordered some food for both of them (after asking Scott and doing some googling instead of finding a proper vet, of course), fed both of them, took the wolf for a little walk, washed someone's huge paws that left huge prints on the carpet, talked to Scott and Kira (again), and then just mostly looked at dog stuff on his phone sprawled on his bed with his head on the wolf's side. A wolf made a great pillow, it turned out. Stiels' one was also amazingly chill for someone the magic considered a perfect match for, well, Stiles.

The wolf seemed to be content with this and happy to just cuddle while Stiles was having an existential crisis out loud about how he was having a feeling that "the wolf" was going to just stick. He couldn't even name him properly. Was he going to have to lie that the wolf's name was actually "The Wolfred Campbell Pigsley III" or was it too weird even for him and his familiar?

"Maybe I should just call you Wolfgang to have a legit reason to call you Wolfy," he asked the wolf with both of his hands wrist deep in his fur over his head.

Stiles felt already exhausted just thinking about all of it slowly falling out. On him. On the bed. On the couch. On the carpet. Into the bath darin.

The wolf made a sound so full of indignation, it was hard to understand how so much could be contained in one body, and even sat up, looking at Stiles with that doggy frown that apparently wolves had no problem using as well.

"What? You don't like 'Wolfgang'? You have something against it?" He took the wolf's face into his hands, shaking it a little, and talking in his baby voice.

The wolf huffed again, and wiggled away, only to circle himself around Stiles' back again, and Stiles felt so much eye-rolling energy emanating from him, he couldn't not chuckle. Who knew canines were capable of such specific and complicated emotions?

Also, the wolf hated to be talked to as a little cute thing, but he was so unbelievably cuddly, Stiles just couldn't contain himself. It was just so adorable. What did the wolf expect when he wouldn't leave Stiles' side for a second, constantly finding ways to put at least one part of his body on him? It was good when it was just one, because this boy was heavy, and Stiles was full of fragile human bones.

Which Stiles guessed was normal for a wolf, but he still didn't appreciate all of it pressing onto his very breakable body. He wasn't sure that much cuddling was okay, though. Maybe there was something wrong with him and he was afraid of losing Stiles so much he wouldn't let him out of his sight. Maybe he had some kind of trauma like that. Maybe he was left somewhere.

Or maybe it was just him feeling the need to bond more until the magic settled completely and then he would chill separately from Stiles.

Stiles wasn't sure which one he preferred. He couldn't afford a therapist for himself, how could he afford one for the wolf?

He slid lower against the warm fluffy side, his chin now almost pressed to his chest.

He was pretty sure it was the wrong texture for wolf fur, although he had never touched a wolf. But then again, he had to use his own shampoo on the wolf. So now everything smelled like that weird specific aroma that all things for guys had because as much as Lydia loved to complain about it, this was the only shampoo that worked for Stiles.

It seemed to have gotten some stuck dirt and, more concerningly, what looked like blood (but then again, Stiles didn't know how long the wolf had to travel, even if it was domestic and could be from anywhere, he had to get food somewhere) off the fur, so it was fine for now.

Stiles groaned when he remembered that he still didn't clean up the dirty prints all over the living room and in the bathroom.

But this was tomorrow Stiles' concern now. Stiles wished him good luck.

For now, he was going to choose things to spoil his familiar with.

In reasonable borders, of course. And probably still buy none of them.

He was meaning to start with food and maybe basic meds, like humans had, but he still somehow ended first in the dog beds sections (the choice for big puppies was way too limited for his taste, why was his wolf discriminated against in the puppy community immediately), and from there, in collars and leashes.

That seemed to interest the wolf for some reason, if the fluffy ear appearing in the corner of Stiles' vision was anything to go by.

"Oh now you want to be friends again, but not when I'm trying to figure out a proper name for you. I see, I see."

The wolf huffed.

He scrolled through the big dog collars and opened one with spikes on it.

"Do you like this one?"

The wolf just turned his head to the side a bit. His level of communication skill was still concerning for Stiles. He had to be brought up with humans.

Maybe he knew what collars and leashes were the best, so he just saw a familiar picture or something, and he reacted to it.

"Okay."

Stiles went back to scrolling, slowly, looking himself and letting the wolf look.

Until the wolf nudged his hand with his head.

"What? Did you see something?" he scrolled back up a bit, even slower this time.

The wolf nudged his hand again and then tried to point at something in the screen with his nose.

"This one? Do you like this one?" The wolf nodded.

Stiles wasn't sure exactly how intelligent wolves were, but he was fairly sure dogs didn't normally communicate in what was clearly human gestures even if they were brought up with humans. Was this also familiar magic, or did he get a genius familiar?

"I'm starting to think you have been brought up by humans with kids and have never been socialized even with dogs, that's why you're so weird. I should find the family then, tell them that you're fine," Stiles could feel something very confusing and complicated through their connection.

Because now he apparently could do that. The emotions weren't that clear in general, just a vague shape if he concentrated, but it was still weird to feel it next to the presence still in his head, but it was almost like the connection pushed it a bit deeper, making it relinquish whatever territory it had gotten before.

Anyway, the connection still wasn't strong enough yet for Stiles to figure it out.

The wolf made that laughing sound again.

The presence in Stiles' head still tried to reach its little grabby metaphysical hands toward Stiles' familiar.

Stiles felt instantly alert, and this apparently stopped it somehow. Maybe it didn't like to be noticed. Maybe it could only do things when Stiles wasn't paying attention.

Maybe it was just adjusting and planning how to attack Stiles in full force later, rebuilding everything with the new player in the game, since the wolf was also in Stiles' head and could become Stiles' last hiding place from full destruction. Why a demon would want to destroy Stiles if he wasn't fighting him for the body wasn't a question that Stiles had an answer to, but that didn't matter for the ideas he had built in his mind.

He had to hurry up with his research. Instead of laying here and staring at things he couldn't afford anyway.

The wolf must have felt something, through their connection or just because he was, well, a canine, and could smell hormonal spikes and shit, but he looked at Stiles with his ears up and alert, the body behind Stiles' head tense.

Did he also get a free service dog?

"It's okay, I'm fine. I just need to find a way to get rid of it. I'm not going to let it touch you."

The wolf looked at Stiles for some time more and then bumped the phone with his nose.

"Oh yeah. Do you like this collar? It would look amazing with your eyes. Although you can't tell, you can't see color. How do you even have a preference about collars? You're so weird," Stiles glanced at the wolf with a frown, fluffing the fur somewhere on his thigh with the free hand.

The collar was simple, actually. It was just a broad soft leather band with a silver metal piece and ring on it. The dark-green color of it would actually look beautifully against the wolf's fur, not the eyes, but Stiles said what he said.

"You are into elegant stuff, aren't you? I'm pretty sure this one could pass as a pretty kinky human choker. Although the one with the spikes could too. You sure you don't want that one? That one is metal," Stiles pet the one fluffy leg he could reach comfortably in slow motions now, playing with the fur.

It was so deep, Stiles was still amazed.

So much to put everywhere, huh. Stiles should be getting used to it, with all this cuddling, He was probably going to have it with every meal and every drink from now on.

The wolf pointed at the simple collar again, as if confirming his choice.

"Okay, I'm going to get you this one. But I'm getting the leash with skulls."

Stiles thought that they would clash terribly, and he liked the idea.

The wolf turned away from him and placed his head on his front paws.

"You don't understand the art of it! Both of those are going to be here tomorrow morning."

***

The next two days went in a similar way, and Stiles was getting more and more anxious about how he should find his routine again. He hated the routine, but he had to admit he was the most productive with one, and he still had things to do for school before the break ended. Also, he should work. And the wolf would probably benefit from a structured day.

The more his anxiety grew, the deeper Stiles sank into the floor he was laying on, even despite being quite happy that the demon in his body still hadn't done anything.

But right now that wasn't what he was thinking about.

In fact, he wasn't thinking at all. He couldn't.

Right now, Stiles was having a nightmare.

He was pretty sure that was what was happening, but he couldn't wake up. He didn't know how to stop this. He couldn't get out.

The house was covered in blood. Stiles knew he did this. He didn't remember how, or who exactly was in the house, but he was sure it was him. There was blood on his shirt, on his pajama pants, on his hands, he could feel it on his drying into a solid mask on his way too hot skin.

He felt laughter bubble up in his chest as he walked the corridor from his room to the stairs into the living room, trailing a hand against the wall, leaving a long streak of red on the light-blue paint. There was someone else in the house, he didn't care who, he wanted to murder them, slowly, painfully, relishing their screams, feeling their suffering fill him up with energy.

Stiles loved this.

Stiles hated this.

He was in his element.

He wanted to get out.

He couldn't decide whether he wanted to use a knife or some glass for his next kill.

He didn't want to live in his nightmare.

Glass won.

He slowly walked into the kitchen, quietly, making sure to produce the least amount of noise possible so his little victim wouldn't know when to run. Stiles could hardly keep himself from whistling, he was so excited, more full of life than he had ever been before.

There was a loud bark behind his back, and the glass that he got out of the cupboard fell down, breaking into pieces. Well, that was according to his plan, but in his dream, there were no dogs.

His heart was beating like a rabbit's. He couldn't catch his breath, but he was pretty sure he wasn't having a panic attack, at least not yet. Which was good. It was a start. He looked down at his bare feet next to some broken glass. It was glittering prettily in what little light sneaked all the way around the house from the street to find its way through the kitchen window.

Stiles felt sick, and he was soaking wet with sweat, and he was trembling. Leaned heavily on one arm on the counter, wiping some sweat from his face with the other.

He slowly turned around, trying not to step into the glass, his back leaning against the counter now.

The wolf was sitting in the kitchen entrance, the ring on his elegant collar glittering in the same light almost as prettily as the glass, watching Stiles with what Stiles most closely identified as interest and excitement.

Still absolutely no concern. Did the wolf trust his witch that much? Didn't this clearly crazy shit bother him at all?

Stiles was probably giving him too much credit. He probably only felt Stiles' weird mood but didn't understand anything. He was a wolf, after all.

"Why are you excited, you weird ball of fluff?" His voice was hoarse, and his throat was so dry he could hardly speak.

It was like that time he ate sand.

The wolf came closer slowly, his eyes still on Stiles.

"Don't come here, there's glass, it's dangerous. It can cut your paws. It'll hurt," Stiles pointed at the glass and tried to speak clearly, like to a toddler.

Maybe the wolf knew some of these words.

Stiles slid down the counter, sitting on the amazingly cool tiled floor, despite his own warnings, but he couldn't stand right now.

The wolf sat next to him, taking Stiles' hug readily.

They just sat there for a bit, Stiles' heart slowing down, the wolf a warm calming presence. And the thing in his head was somewhere in hiding again.

"Thank you for waking me up, though" he placed a gentle kiss on the wolf's forehead. "Now that we're awake, how about a snack?"

Stiles stood back up slowly.

"It's not like you brushed your teeth before bed. Oh hell, I'll need to get you those little cleaning bones or something, don't I?"

He didn't sleepwalk normally, but he knew that sleepwalking and nightmares could be side effects of possession.

So his demon was getting more active. It hadn't done anything like that before.

Stiles had to do something about it, and fast. Like yesterday.

"Let's see what we've got here," he opened the fridge, making sure to avoid as much glass as he could, casting a little spell to get a glass out of the cupboard without even looking at it.

He turned around with a jump at the sound of breaking glass. And then another. And then another.

And then another.

All the glasses were throwing themselves out of the cupboard and onto the counter and breaking in a shower of myriad sparkly glass shards, almost like a frozen waterfall.

The wolf was looking at all of it, a bit to the side, startled. At least he was far away from the sea of glass right now, he must've jumped away or something.

"Shit, shit, shit, what the fuck, what's… stop, stop, stop," Stiles made the stop spell motion several times until he remembered the words, but it somehow worked anyway. Worked very well, throwing the doors shut so hard, they flew right back open again, gallivanting to a stop in the ringing silence that fell over the kitchen suddenly, like a snow blizzard.

Stiles couldn't pull off magic without words. He didn't have enough power. He looked at his hands, confused. This shouldn't be possible. First his simple spell took out all of the glasses instead of one, and now he stopped it without the incantation.

Stiles shouldn't be able to do this.

He shouldn't need a wolf familiar.

"What the fuck…" he muttered, still looking at his hands, moving them, bending and straightening his fingers, feeling like these hands weren't his.

By the feeling of it, the feeling of how much magic he threw out just now, he actually had to do more than close the doors, but there were magic absorbents in the wall, he hoped he didn't destroy them. The spell was way too strong. And just from an intention.

Was it possible that the demon in him was making him stronger? Was it going to have lasting effects, and was this why he got a wolf? He knew it was possible, he just didn't expect it to happen to him.

He was going to burn out soon this way. Was he going to die? Stiles suddenly was too exhausted to feel anything about it.

He really didn't want to deal with adjusting to the new power level, not right now, he felt exhausted by simply thinking, even if this level wasn't going to last long.

"Hell," said someone.

And it wasn't Stiles' voice.

That made Stiles tense up immediately. His brain flew back into panic mode again in an instant. He was home alone. He didn't recognize the voice, so it wasn't one of his neighbors. And they didn't have keys anyway, and Stiles was a cop's son, he made sure his doors were locked. So it was a stranger in his house in the middle of the night.

All of this went through his head in the second it took him to turn to the source of the voice.

Only to find a very naked guy in a very elegant dark blue collar with a silver piece and a ring kneeling where Stiles' familiar was sitting just a moment ago.

[eraofstories]

Physical health/food stuff under the read more, and i'm even asking for (limited and specific) advice for ppl who like doing that

anyway i do in fact now have a very long list of foods that i'm supposed to be trying not to eat at least for a while while we get my body under control, since for the past month+ it's been reacting to every scrape with a histamine reaction. Taking 24 hr antihistamines 2x/day does seem to help, but obviously that's like. not an ideal forever solution, esp since even when I'm doing that it starts up again in the evenings before I take my bedtime dose.

I'm currently off all antihistamines, and have been for 5 days, and i'm so itchy, but you have to go off them to do allergy tests. I did food allergies today, and was able to make an appointment for thursday to do environmental, so thankfully I don't have to do a full five days ahead of that one, since I can just keep going.

Anyway! I am a picky eater, and also have dramatic adhd, so foods that require little prep are very useful for me. The big things that are currently cutting off a lot of options are: whole wheat (and i'm supposed to cut out gluten too), soy, oats, corn, potatoes (white and sweet), and buckwheat. Unfortunately a lot of those are things that are used as substitutes for each other. Basically the only staple grain I seem to be allowed rn is rice. The plan is that we'll try reintroducing stuff once things are under control, but in the meantime if people have suggestions of things to eat I am in fact interested.