#... anyways im gonna go try and nap
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....almost done, its almost over. i just have to keep surviving. push through. one more day and then i can rest for a day. then four and then ill have an actual weekend. you can totally do this me. yeah. yep. mandatory overtime is a bitch but your gonna crush it like you always do and have a super thick paycheck. you're gonna get it done.
#ready to either nap for an entire week or have a joint#not that i smoke anymore but its the feeling of literally being at my wits end#6 days. we are mandated 6 day weeks because of the dumb prime week 2.0#not complaining!!!!! but also am slightly complaining#shouting into the void#i need to just rest for a long long time#and i will!! just... got to push through for a little A LITTLE bit longer#i got audiobooks and music and fanfic to keep me company and the shifts easier but im just not sleeping well#bought some cds on target because of their buy 2 get one free sale on music last week. to treat myself because i need to honestly look#forward to something to push through for#im gonna call my dad tomorrow afternoon because holy crap i miss him. i feel like this week has been a million years#i just am pushing through#“surviving” is what i say to people when they ask me how i am#its true#im just doing my best but am going a little mental with it because im exhausted low key#not trying to vent but i am just tired#anyway yeah#for myself
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nothing quite like finding out you failed a core class during your college graduation ceremony
#tw shameless crying over shit i caused myself so if you don’t care i do not blame you#big commencement is tomorrow. my family is here. what the fuck do i do#they were so happy for me today#do i just walk at graduation and not say anything? I don’t want to ruin it. they all had to travel just to be here.#i can’t do this y’all#i havent slept in going in 72 hours. i stayed up all night trying to catch up everything I missed#i did 8 assignments in one night. 4 essays 4 memos. and it still wasn’t enough#and it is all 100% my fault like i set myself up for this. By not doing shit all semester. Like I can’t even complain#It’s all kinda starting to become real#idk if we can all night youtube dissociation hole ourself out of this one lads#Also. Very very funny 3rd person pov of me lying down with my dirk shades on to have a Silly Nap and like immediately bursting into tears#that was a good one.#fuck anyway#how do i. Keep this off peoples dash#vent#yeah this ranks in my top 10 worst times i’d say#sorry i really try not to do these too mcuh#im just like ruining my life and just kind of standing by idly watching it happen#idek how to describe it#like at a certain point it’s too much and i just don’t give a fuck#im just gonna keep adding more tags ig thats cool
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its normal to fall asleep and start dreaming in what literally could not have been more than 9 minutes!
#it was just a dream about going to the store to get food. bc im hungry (irl)#in case you dont know btw this post is sarcastic. and that is very much Not Normal and is A Sign Of Problems#but i have still not managed to find a sleep doctor who will take me seriously at all#mannnn#after this spine shit i gotta ask my awesome abd wonderful pcp abt a new ref to a new sleep doc#she sent me to the one that was ass but i just kinda brushed it off to her#i wad like ehhh its fine he just didnt find anything#my psych gave me sleep meds and i havent tried to start them yet but i saw this one is also#prescribed not jist as a sleep aid but specifically sometimes for 24hr sleep wake disorder or what the fuck ever#so that sounds promising!#its just i was sick all past week and then i was gonna take it sunday night and forgor#and now im likr. back to work#and i dont like starting new meds like that when i got Shit To Do the next day#so ill try starting it friday o7#the adhd med is. kinda funny bc it DOES give me a bit if energy. in fact enough that now instead of passing out 4 hours after waking up.#i get 8.#but that also means it is a lot later when i need to/can nap#which means ive been having trouble sleeping at bedtime....#anyway hi its midnight and ive been napping on and off for like 3 hours bc im t9o#exhausted to get up :(#but ive been horse napping or whatever#this fucked up napping strat i do where i sleep for 15 minutes at a time for a couple hours#i do it when i DONT want to nap for 4 hours and usually it works honestly after the first 30-45 minutes i usually feel#pretty good! anyway. i probably have several sleep disorders lol. i think 24hr and narcolepsy which#my old roommate (professionally diagnosed narcoleptic) and my pcp both agree its likely#24hr isnt even a question that shit is SCARY. literally experienced it my whole life and saw an artivle#or someone talking abt it idk. and looked it up. and it was a literal 1:1 description of what happens to me. so#also probably uhhh sleep phase disorder or whatever . the one where rhe actual “phases” of sleep are fucked#such as yanno. hitting REM before . what is it 30-60 minutes normally??
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so i didn't finish the paper on time but on the plus side i Almost know how to play mahjong now
#im like 8 volumes into kaiji pt 3#which is 50 chapters deeper than i was the day before#anyway it's good but im definitely going to it as part of a sluggish avert mine eyes type dopamine struggle#i also havent slept well in a few days and ive become a total baby when it comes to that like i Cant function right anymore#when im a certain amount of tired#the like 12 hours in the car this weekend didn't help with the good restful sleep thing#i fought and fought and fought myself and in the end it's just gonna be a day late. mot that it had to be but it will be#and although i can't see the prof's late work policy i think that's gonna be okay. hopefully#but ughhtjhfhhghjghj im so tired still. ive been sleeping in like 20 min fragments trying to get this done#just woke up from a cool three hours and im (believe it or not) still tired#i havent done the 40 pg reading and i am NOT bullshitting my way through that class i am going. to bed#i know i shouldnt but i cant care rn i'll drag myself to japn and do late work all afternoon but i gotta sleep between those#anyway fukum.oto has a special way of making kaiji cringe that makes me extra fond#like watching kaiji scramble around on the floor trying to find his tiles absolutely freaking out and everyone laughing at him#was so good. he was being too confident this arc he needed to be reduced to smth horribly pitiful that he has to drag himself back together#from y'know? thats part of the fun#ANYWAY i couldn't do that shit kaiji and miyoshi are doing for many reasons but the attention span sure is one#also idk if it's the translation or what but the r slur keeps jumpscaring me in ways that are funny to me for the absurdity#thats a chapter title??? that Doesn't Belong in the chapter title??????!!! anyway#yk when you're so surprised and put off by smth you just. cackle about it? like laughing at a funeral or whatever#it's like that#buh. anyway god im so tired#ive been doing so well this semester but it looks like it's starting. the snowballing.#well hopefully i can dig myself out today after a 14 hr nap. get all that late work And my readings done yk#(<- pipe dream alert pipe dream alert)
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Guess who might have 🎶whooping cough🎶
#its me and many other people at the summer camp i work at#today i took the morning off because ive been ill for a few weeks#i think the first week was a different illness than the one i currently have tho#i assumed it was what we call 'camp crud' because youre bound to get sick when youre around grimy kids#and living in close quarters with others and not getting enough sleep#but yesterday i felt like shit all day to the point of not being able to stand. so today i took the morning off#just to try and recover a bit. but at lunch my program director came in and said im going to the clinic later#and asked me who else ive noticed is sick#hes making a list because apparently a camper has fucking whooping cough. and its lookng like others might too#i told my sibling i might have whooping cough and they said#'seriously?! are you a street urchin from 1600s Europe?'#which is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me lol. im already on the brink of death and they just kicked me over#im desperately hoping its just crud and not whooping cough#because i have the opportunity to work the zip line this weekend for visiting alumni. with the woman i have feelings for#altogether its going to be a great time so im really hoping i can go. but i obv cant if i have whooping cough#anyway im gonna go back to napping bcuz thats all ive been doing today. that and coughing#if you pray then maybe add me into your prayers today. maybe manifest my health. ive been sick for weeks and i want it to be over
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It's just they could've written a wonderful little thing about Nancy and Jonathan thinking what happened to Barb and Will is their respective fault but season 3 has to exist.
#in the sense that narratively i feel like we see the consequences as it were of them blaming themselves#you know Nancy is out for vengeance amd Jonathan almost excessively being there for Will in s2 & s4#but then s3 exists in the middle#this post is brought to you by#my insomnia#and a clear vision if Jonathan telling Nancy what happened to Barb wasnt her fault and Nancy shooting back what happened to Will wasn't his#IT'S ABOUT THE PARALLELS#AND SOULMATE THINGS#and the way in which their characters are specifically and uniquely intertwined#... anyways im gonna go try and nap#stranger things#nancy wheeler#jonathan byers
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Using my brain like a metal detector to figure out what the FUCK it wants to do
#*shakes brain* what do you want??? food isnt working acnh isnt working weaving isnt working#im gonna fucking riot#im understimulated but just listening to a video feels OVERstimulating#i get bored & tired two minutes after starting a thing#but i want to do SOMETHING#i was in bed almost all day yesterday b/c i couldnt get myself to do anything else for more than. like. an hour at a time#or maybe less (it felt like less anyway)#i do NOT want to do that again#if my new meds dont do anything to help istg (im not gonna do anything im just gonna be upset)#depressions a bitch and i hate it!!!#im tired but i got a good amount of sleep the past few nights so its not from that??? i know its the Mental Illness but. still#i do NOT want to just take a NAP all DAY i want to DO things when im OFF from WORK#is this what it was like pre-meds??? b/c if so HOW#i legitimately dont remember#personal#jay rambles#mental health cw#depression cw#im. so fucking tired of this shit if the new meds do the thing where it makes things worse for the first few weeks#im still not gonna do anything im just gonna be upset about it. and there's a real chance i wont be able to work full hours#which i cant afford atm#i MADE SURE i had enough food for lung and i havent had half of it b/c i started and my brain went “mm no you're full actually”#(i very distinctly am NOT full. but now it has a bad Mouth Feel and im going insane)#(gonna try knitting next to see if that works)#food mention
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wakefulness comes with a ✨price✨
#still can’t believe my bro actually rented a car just to drag me out of bed… granted it was on my dime but. smh#he’s a decent driver though. napping in the backseat was quite comfortable#still can’t believe my family tbh lmao. i told them many times that all i wanted to do today was to sleep#b u t they had somehow latched on to a passing remark i made like over a month or so ago about wanting to eat burgers from a certain place…#‘it only comes once a year; you can sleep after you leave your job on friday—’ they said… so welp.#man. at least i got good food and a few new plushies out of it. so it wasn’t all that bad… i think#either way i’m truly grateful to my mother and bro for everything. don’t tell them though; it’s embarrassing#u m. anyway. i guess i’ll finally have time to resume idol sengen after i’ve caught up on sleep?#i’m gonna try to zoom through the next 2 vols before mona’s album comes out s o. well. um. i’ll do my very best!!!!!#remind me to make the masterpost thing free for rbing once im done with it bc. y e a h.#anyways!! gn!! i gotta go fill up some forms or something before i forget lol. have a great week ahead!!!#l o r d i just realised i forgot to off rbs again aaaaaaa my memory is getting worse with age frrrrrr
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I feel like the weight of the last week is finally hitting me and I maybe need to sleep for 48 hours but I just drank a ton of caffiene so I guess I'm gonna read instead.
#maybe next time I go thru a natural disaster bandaging my emotions with memes is not the way#the problem is that when people around me are panicking my natural response is to be calm#its not so much a 'mom friend' function as a 'someone's gotta lead and everyone else is falling apart so I guess its gotta be me' function#so anyway the last week I have been holding myself and my neighbors together and now its friday and I am alone and its all kinda hitting#im emotionally fine I'm just EXHAUSTED#and I'm trying not to focus on the 'what ifs' but i could have lost my house#i could have lost my car#i almost did#tbh I probably could have died last saturday in the chaos of the disaster#and everyone was panicking so much that I am only just now getting to process#ANYWAY HAHA#sorry to get personal#tags on my blog are my journal sorry#personal#prolly gonna delete this later after a hot nap#but I gotta burn off the caffiene first
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I just feel vaguely unwell at all times. usually not enough that it's super serious but there seems to always be something going on
#maybe if i slept more and ate normally that'd improve. what a fantastic idea#completely unrealistic but its nice to think abt#anyways im honna at least try take a nap and if that doesn't work im gonna go get an ice pack#ez.txt
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Is there anything more damning than me putting "nothing new to update" on the trouble employee's review section lmfao
#speculation nation#aka. that's me giving up on her. officially.#her sections have been so fucking wordy the past few weeks bc there are ALWAYS things to update#but i am just. done with her. im done trying. we're planning on firing her sometime soon anyways.#and good riddance. ive never had an employee as frustrating as her.#as one of the supervisors put it: they could close by themself and it would STILL be faster than closing with her#bc at least then they wouldnt have to clean up after her lmao#anyways i took a mini nap. and by that i mean i had my eyes shut for like half an hour. chilling.#i cant fall asleep that easily. 'naps' are almost always just me resting my eyes.#helps a bit. but im looking forward to being done with this meeting.#i think im gonna go to sleep early tonight. for real this time. i am so fucking tired.
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🧍
#went to sleep for 5 hours so now I feel a bit better#i think my hormones are regulating out atp from ‘kill yourself’ to ‘okay my periods gonna suck so lock in’ which im somewhat grateful for#checked my schedule and since i asked off for the weekend they scheduled me mon—wed. which means i’ll be working 5 more days in a row#i normally don’t even like doing 3 days in a row (i’m part time)#i just feel like there’s always An Incident and i don’t get paid enough to worry about it/be as tired as i am#gonna try out locking in after work instead of napping But going to bed at like 7 versus 9-10-11 etc#feel a bit bad I won’t be able to really write or anything for a little while because i’ve been so busy#not out of obligation or anything (well maybe a little) but just. writing is one of those things making me wanna like. stay alive lol#or something something whatever etc#anyways i slept and now i’m gonna sleep some more. might get into energy drinks too. gn#rose.txt
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love when i fill out the pre-appt questionnaire n say 'im having trouble setting up and sticking to an exercise routine' n the appt comes and they just go 'well, work on that' n offer no further advice or assistance or anything 🙃
#cryptic ramblings#like. literally Any Tips woulda been nice. maybe gym recs or referrals to the literal exercise programs u have or Something#fkn cmon man. 'well try to increase the amount of exercise you do' like HOW. GIVE ME ADVICE#im tired all the time n the weathers been wack in my area so i cant even plan to go on a walk after work consistently#n i have No Space at home for any at-home work outs n its like. pls as a professional. give me ANY ADVICE 😭😭😭#i have a fkn doodle of my vtubersona tht says 'tired of my high blood sugar' and if tht doesnt fit here best idk what would.#i havent posted it bc idk if thts like. too personal for me or nah ykwim?? not tht i wont talk abt it lol#maybe the association of my sona w my real life health probs is too personal for me 🤔#but also what if ppl out there w the same issues would like knowing ppl can relate? 🤔🤔🤔#anyways blegh im annoyed bc i put tht in the questionnaire to hopefully get advice n not just as like. context. wtf#gonna see if i can nap it off i guess
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.....fml
#tfw you stay up all night studying for an exam and you only get halfway through the material#it's not even a lot of stuff either it's literally just 2 chapters#but my brain is refusing the absorb anything bc everything is too big and i can't put time into trying to understand something#bc there's not enough time and the last time i did that i ended up spending 3 hours figuring out the best way to format a chart#a goddamn chart. i was trying to organize it so I'd be able to see everything in one go and i started tweaking the proportions#to make it look nicer and it was all downhill from there#ughhhhhh#why is it that whenever i try studying i end up falling down a black hole of mindlessly reorganizing notes without retaining anything#i have to get up for school in 2 hours and I've only finished one chapter and barely so#I've had zero caffeine today so why is my entire body currently vibrating#idk if i should sleep 2 hours or study 2 hours i don't think im even capable of doing either#which is how it always goes tbh. i can study or i can sleep and if im doing anything else then im wasting my time#and i always end up wasting my time#i need to make a molotov cocktail in my mouth#i just need to make it through today. not even the whole day really just up until lunchtime#then i can nap in class or drink or sleep or whatever the hell i want. until i have to start studying for the next exam at least#if my brain were a horse you would shoot it out of mercy#like. it's not going anywhere at this point you're just prolonging its misery#i don't think therapy is gonna help with this i need hard drugs a psychotic break or a near death experience#and i still got one chapter left to study for before the exam. motherfucker.#ykw at this point nothings gonna improve my grade no matter how much i try to study or go to sleep#looks like it's time to douse all my fucks on gasoline and light it on fire#let's hope nobody tries to talk to me at school today bc my mouth to brain filter will definitely be malfunctioning#anyway. once more unto the breach.
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good morningggggg i slept like shit :)
#up and down up and down. god im gonna need a nap or 6 monsters today 😔😔#last night was fun and ok. i wish we couldve been out longer but our one friend is very sleepy all the time and Especially after#a drop of alcohol so we were hope by like 11. which was weird. being so tired so early on a SATURDAY.#anyway friends bday party today. trying to figure out my schedule bc idk if i wanna go back home tonight or wake up hella early#tmrw. i dont really wanna do Either if im honest but i need groceries and to do laundry Bad 😔😔#talk tag
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people are waking up to go to work and im just chilling on the couch still fully conscious oh no
#problem: if i sleep im almost definitely gonna have shit dreams#solution?????? apparently????: dont sleep and just think about the same shit id be dreaming about anyway but with an added dose of#sleep deprivation for flavor#i think i may need to stop going to family events for a while i cant keep doing this every time#i keep thinking oh i want to stay in touch with my cousins so ill go to events even when my dad will be there#and then i spend a solid two weeks getting progressively more anxious about going to the thing#while im there i have my standard masking and mormon filter both at full blast#which effectively nerfs my entire personality but whatever#and then spend five hours listening to half my relatives deadnaming me while i try to pretend my dad isnt in the room#the thing isnt even until friday and im already suffering#i think the highlight of my birthday might just be being able to sleep normally again once this shit is over with#who needs birthday parties i just need a nap#and maybe a weighted blanket or smth idk
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