#15x13: destiny's child | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

emeraldsummers · 7 months

Text

if it isn't too late

Pairing: Castiel/Dean Winchester, HunterCorp!Castiel/HunterCorp!Dean

Summary:

Dean had been hoping that the alternate universe versions of him and Sam would leave as soon as possible, but Cas and Jack's arrival at the bunker leads to them staying for dinner. He's really been trying not to have to think about this damage-free version of himself, and he really doesn't want to think about why he's staring at Cas like that.

Or, HunterCorp Sam and Dean meet Cas and Jack during s15e13 Destiny's Child.

Word Count: 5.8K

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53934448

A/N: So hey, Supernatural has got me writing fic for the first time in over a decade. It's my take on 15x13 Destiny's Child, which I know has been done, but hey. Inspiration struck.

---------------------------

Dean had been planning on sending his and Sam’s alternate selves away as soon as he could. Seeing these bizzaro versions of themselves was messing with his head, and he needed them gone if they were going to focus on bringing down Chuck. Chuck had to be the priority.

However, Dean was trying to figure out the least impolite way to say “leave the bunker ASAP” when Cas and Jack arrived home, immediately changing the evening's plans.

He and Sam were in the library with their counterparts, listening to them drone on about the details of HunterCorp when the bunker door opened with a loud clang, and Jack’s voice became audible.

“It's just the parallel parking that I need to work on, I just haven't had the time to practice,” Jack could be heard saying.

“We'll get you more time on the road soon, okay?” Cas replied.

The Alternate Dean immediately reacted to the sound of Cas’ voice, snapping his head up and rushing to meet him at the bottom of the stairs.

“Castiel?” He gasped in shock.

Cas barely had a moment to react before Alternate Dean pulled him into a tight hug. Cas stiffened as he looked around and saw his Dean and Sam entering the war room, the other Sam following behind them.

“They're versions of us from an alternate universe,” Dean explained. “Their universe got destroyed by Chuck and they ended up here.”

“I, um, I guess there was a version of Cas in that universe too?” Sam wondered. He looked to his doppelganger for confirmation, but Alternate Sam was looking mournfully at his brother, who had released Cas and was standing close to him, staring at him in wonder.

“Dean,” Alternate Sam said firmly. When his brother did not look away from Cas, he continued with more force, “You know he's not our Castiel, Dean.”

“I know,” Alternate Dean hissed, staring his brother down. But his defensiveness immediately softened as he looked back to Cas. “But look at him… he's even got the same vessel… I didn't think…”

He shook his head to himself and turned towards Jack, who had been watching the scene with silent curiosity.

“Uh, hi,” Alternate Dean said awkwardly.

“Hello!” Jack greeted with a wave. “I'm Jack, and it's very cool to meet another Sam and Dean. Will you be joining us for dinner? I wanna hear all about your universe.”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room, nobody quite sure how to respond. Dean most certainly did not want to spend any more time with his copy, especially with the way he was staring at Cas. But while he was trying to figure out how to kick the doubles out without upsetting Jack, Sam hesitantly replied that one dinner together might be nice.

Great.

Dean excused himself to the kitchen, ignoring Sam’s suggestion of ordering food. Dean figured that cooking dinner was as good an excuse as any to hide away from the doubles for as long as possible.

From what Dean had learned about their counterparts, most of the differences in their timelines stemmed from the fact that instead of joining the Marine Corps like their dad did, the alternate version of their father had instead gone to college and obtained a business degree, working in a corporate office when he started a family with Mary. When Mary had died, Alternate John jumped straight into hunting, just like their John did, but instead of slumming in motels for years, Alternate John immediately saw a way to make it an actual career, and HunterCorp was born.

Which somehow resulted in Alternate Sam and Dean being like… that. Dean found the other Sam to be completely insufferable, all of his Sam’s most annoying traits turned up to eleven and wrapped up in a man-bun. But it was Alternate Dean that freaked Dean out the most. Not just because looking at himself in the eyes was unnerving – at this point he’d seen much weirder – but because of all the things Dean couldn’t recognize. Alternate Dean had a lightness in him, a buoyancy in his step and a genuineness in his smile, which seemed to come easy to him. His whole planet had just been destroyed, but he still held a curiosity in his eyes for the new world he’d stepped into.

He was not someone who had cleaned up his father’s vomit after yet another blackout. Not someone who had ever watered down his canned soup so that it would stretch into another meal. Someone who had gone home with women when he really wasn’t feeling it just so he would have a warm bed to sleep in that night. All of the moments in Dean’s life that kept him up at night, his alternate never had to experience, and Dean didn’t particularly like having to see what he’d be like without all of that damage.

Well, Alternate Dean wasn’t completely damage-free. It wasn’t hard to figure out from his reaction that he and Alternate Cas had some kind of history, and that Alternate Cas was either dead or gone in some other way. But Dean didn’t want to think about that, and he didn’t want to imagine a version of himself comfortable with hugging that intensely with anyone, let alone him. With any luck, the alternates would be on their way by the end of the night and Dean wouldn’t have to think about any of this ever again.

An hour later, everyone was crowded around the kitchen table enjoying their Sloppy Joe's. Alternate Sam scowled when he learned the food was to be eaten without utensils, but he did not complain, instead deciding to ramble about HunterCorp’s record-breaking fiscal year. An awkward silence followed when he realized mid-sentence that HunterCorp would never have any fiscal years again, profitable or otherwise.

Alternate Dean, who was visibly struggling not to gawk at Cas, decided to break the silence. “So… Jack? Yeah, Jack. Uh, how do you know these guys? Are you a hunter?”

Jack snapped to attention at the sound of his name, looking thrilled to be asked a question. “Sort of”, he replied, “I've been learning more about hunting, but I haven't had that much experience. Sam and Dean say that in order to be a good hunter, I can't just rely on my grace.”

Sam glanced at the half-eaten food on Jack's plate questioningly. “You're an angel?”

“Sort of”, Jack replied again. “I'm a nephilim.”

“What”, said Alternate Dean. His voice was flat but it was clearly a question.

Jack was hesitant when he answered, “Um, a nephilim? It's a half angel half –”

“I know what a nephilim is”, Alternate Dean snapped. He quickly collected himself and looked at Cas. “He's yours?”

Cas looked panicked at that, and turned to his Dean for guidance on how to answer, but Dean stared resolutely at his plate

Jack answered slowly. “Cas is my father, yes. As are Sam and Dean. But if you're referring to the angel that helped create me, that would be Lucifer.”

The reaction was immediate. Alternate Sam sucked in a sharp breath and Alternate Dean dropped his knife onto his plate with a loud clash, meanwhile Sam and Cas’ postures quickly became defensive, leaning into Jack.

“He's a good kid”, Sam said firmly. “And he's our family.” He gave a pointed look towards Alternate Dean, whose jaw was trembling.

“Jack has already done incredible things to help not just our world, but other worlds as well”, Cas added. And looking directly at the Alternate Sam and Alternate Dean, “This is his home and he is safe here.”

Alternate Sam didn't look entirely convinced, but he looked to his brother at that. “Dean, it's okay. He's okay.” He gave his brother an intense look, as if telepathically willing him not to react.

Alternate Dean shook his head, opening his mouth as if to say something before he stood up sharply and wordlessly walked away, a deafening silence following the rough scraping of his chair.

Cas spoke first, “Jack isn’t going to be a problem, is he?” He held Alternate Sam’s gaze as he enunciated every word. “Because his safety is the most important thing to me.” The unspoken promise of retaliation if any harm came to Jack was clear.

Alternate Sam took a deep breath as he answered carefully. “No. There isn’t a problem. It’s just a – uh – touchy subject for us. For Dean.” He turned to Jack and said, “This is your home and we are your guests. I apologize on behalf of both of us.”

“Thank you,” Jack responded, not looking particularly bothered. “I understand that Lucifer’s name will often cause people to react. Usually if my parents come up I try to focus on my mother and the fathers I chose.”

“Your mother was…?” Alternate Sam trailed off as if he was half expecting Jack’s answer.

“Kelly Kline.” Jack said. Alternate Sam looked down sadly as Jack continued, “she died giving birth to me. But I’ve visited her in heaven and I know she’s proud of me.”

Alternate Sam gave a slight smile at that. “I’m sure she is. I’m sorry, Jack,” he said sincerely.

Dinner finished up in relative silence after that, with everyone quickly dispersing. Dean once again disappeared into the kitchen under the guise of doing everyone’s dishes as a favor, Alternate Sam requested Sam show him the bunker archives, Jack retreated into his room to watch TV, and Cas found himself wandering the bunker aimlessly thinking about the current situation. He’d been able to piece together that there was a version of Jack in the other universe, maybe not called Jack since his name didn’t trigger recognition, that Lucifer had caused some kind of trouble in that universe as well, and that Alternate Cas existed, was friends with the Winchesters, and was certainly dead.

Cas had pulled Alternate Sam aside after dinner before he went off with Sam and tried to find out more information about his alternate self’s fate, but Alternate Sam had shaken his head and said that none of it was his story to tell.

Cas realized his wandering hadn’t been as aimless as he planned when he saw he was approaching the bunker’s shooting range. He wondered if Alternate Dean would be similar enough to his Dean to have similar coping mechanisms, and he wasn’t surprised when he found Alternate Dean unloading round after round into the target.

Alternate Dean didn’t hear him coming, but he must have seen movement in the corner of his eyes, because he quickly turned around, slipping the ear protection off his head.

“Hope you guys don’t mind me using up a few bullets. Just needed to let off some steam.”

Cas hummed at that instead of answering, instead deciding to broach the subject by pointing out the obvious. “I guess I existed in your world. As did Lucifer. And Jack.”

“Yeah,” Alternate Dean said.

When he offered no more information, Cas decided to try a different approach. “How did you and I meet?”

Alternate Dean took a slow deep breath before answering. “Around 10 years ago, HunterCorp started getting a weird number of demon-related calls. Demons weren’t common at all, most on our staff had never seen one in person before. And suddenly demons were everywhere.

“One day, Sam and I are on a hunt when it suddenly feels like a tornado is about to run right through us. Lightning, thunder, the room was shaking, light bulbs smashing, and weirdest of all, the loudest ringing noise I’d ever heard. It finally ends after a few minutes, Sam and I wander outside, and in front of the house we’re investigating are two guys in suits. The lightning starts up again and suddenly they’ve got shadowy wings.”

Alternate Dean looked pointedly at Cas. “Zachariah and Castiel were their names. They tell us that they’re angels, because apparently those exist. And apparently Lucifer somehow got out and the apocalypse is about to start in a few weeks. And apparently Sam and I are destined to stop it.”

Alternate Dean sighed. “Well, long story short, the angels were lying to us. Sam and I did have a destiny, but it wasn’t to save the world, it was to help destroy it. The angels were the ones that released Lucifer in the first place and they had been manipulating us the whole time. Wanted us to say ‘yes’ to being angel vessels.”

Cas was shocked at how similar the story sounded to what had happened in this world, despite the vastly different set ups. Alternate Dean had apparently never been to Hell and had never broken the first seal, but the angels managed to set the apocalypse in motion anyway, with the angels manipulating Alternate Dean and Sam in the same ways.

“Before I knew the truth, Castiel and I fought alongside each other. We became friends, which led to him having doubts about his orders. He was the one to tell me the angels’ true plans and he was the one to eventually help me and Sam stop the apocalypse.” Alternate Dean paused as he let himself relive that memory, and Cas remembered his own experience with those doubts, how scary and exhilarating it was to feel for the first time. Feelings of compassion, a deep desire to protect the lives around him; feelings of grief, mourning souls he had never actually met. And above all else, inexplicably drawn to Dean Winchester. That particular feeling it would take Cas years to sort out.

Coming back to himself, Alternate Dean continued. “We were able to weaken Lucifer significantly, and he was forced into hiding. During that, Heaven was in a state of chaos, and some of the angels decided to act as soldiers for humans again. HunterCorp had a small angel division for appropriate cases. Led by Castiel, of course,” Alternate Dean said with a fond smile before drifting his gaze to the floor.

“Castiel and I stayed close. Stayed friends.” He lifted his gaze hesitantly to Cas. “Became… more.”

Alternate Dean held Cas’ gaze questioningly, but Cas did not outwardly react, his body stiffening as a distant roaring filled his ears. He couldn’t mean what it sounded like.

“You and Dean aren’t…?” Alternate Dean asked softly.

“No.” Cas didn’t know how to breathe. Didn’t know how to process the information presented in front of him. The implication of what Alternate Dean was saying was clear, but it made no sense. Cas’ own feelings, the ones he was constantly suppressing, felt nakedly exposed. It felt like the universe was mocking him. See, we know what you feel, no matter how hard you try.

“What happened with…” Cas drifted off and gestured in front of him, struggling to speak but desperately hoping to convey that he needed to know how this story ended.

“We had a good few years,” Alternate Dean started slowly. “Really, really good years. But then Lucifer came back, just like we always knew he would, except this time he was stronger and he was pissed. Wreaked havoc in Hell just so that he’d gain enough power to release some of history’s darkest souls back into the world. Processed political leaders all across the world and created geopolitical problems that would have taken centuries to correct. Destroyed massive parts of Heaven and killed countless angels. The whole damn world, light side, dark side, everyone was scared of what he could do.”

Alternate Dean hesitated before the next part, looking like he’d rather be talking about anything else in the world. “And then he did the worst possible thing.” He ground his teeth before saying, his jaw still clenched, “He created a nephilim.”

Cas stared at the floor, a sickening feeling inside him growing as he listened to Alternate Dean continue.

“It was when Lucifer was processing the president. He knocked up his staff member, some woman named Kelly Kline, who was none the wiser about her baby daddy being the devil. But everyone else knew, from the moment it was conceived. And everyone, Heaven, Hell and Earth, agreed that it needed to die. I’d never seen everyone agree on a damn thing before, but everyone, including Castiel, was working together on how to kill it before it was born.

“Until Castiel met Kelly, because all of a sudden he was adamant about saving it. We figured that the nephilim had gotten into his head somehow and was using him to protect itself. Castiel and I had never fought like that, but we fought. I’d never seen him so angry in my life that for a moment I wondered if he’d been processed. Thought he could never say stuff like that to me. Told me the only thing I could ever do to make him hate me would be to kill it.”

“It,” Cas interrupted. “The nephilim. Jack .” He couldn’t bear to hear any version of his son referred to like that.

Alternate Dean couldn't look at Cas as he finished his story. “We teamed up with Heaven’s garrison, found Kelly with Castiel shortly before she was going to go into labor. Castiel – he fought hard, but we were able to get Kelly alone. Were able to complete the mission.” His voice was flat, purely factual, but his body language and the look on his face displayed his shame.

Eyes still on the floor, he continued. “Castiel – I only saw him for a moment afterward. He wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t even look at me. But he was… I can’t even describe it...”

But Cas could imagine what his alternate self had been like. He had been forced to watch Jack die twice, both times the most painful moments of his existence. If Cas thought he understood human sorrow before that, seeing Jack’s lifeless body taught him he had known nothing of grief until then. Cas was pretty sure that the combined pain of Jack’s death and Dean’s ultimate betrayal would have been the end of him.

Alternate Dean’s voice had the tone of forced emotionlessness as he finished. “Never saw Castiel again. He went on the run and a couple weeks later the angels caught up with him and he was sentenced to death for his crimes.” He finally looked up to meet Cas’ gaze, the wateriness of his eyes betraying his emotions.

“It’s – all of it, it’s already the biggest regret of my life. I should have taken your side even if you were wrong. I should have protected you from the angels, not joined them. I could have –” he shook his head.

“And then today I find out that it – the nephilim – it was never evil. He was Jack, a normal kid that apparently saves worlds.” Alternate Dean’s voice was now thick with emotion. “And we killed him. An innocent baby and his mom, and then you died, and for what? It was for nothing. You were right all along.” The dam seemed to break and tears slipped from his eyes as he whispered, “I can’t get it outta my head. You begged me not to… she begged and begged. Why did I…?”

And Cas didn’t know how else to react. The shock of Alternate Dean’s words, the hurt and betrayal he felt for something that never actually happened to him were overridden by the emotion pouring out Alternate Dean, so Cas tentatively wrapped his arms around him in a hug. For a moment it felt wrong, Cas hyper aware of how touching his Dean for too long would certainly make him uncomfortable, but this wasn’t his Dean. This Dean responded immediately, pulling Cas in closer and gripping his jacket, burying his face into his neck.

Alternate Dean began to cry in earnest, Cas trying to remember if he had ever seen his own Dean cry this intensely, before realizing his Dean had never let Cas see him cry before at all.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Alternate Dean mumbled over and over, like a prayer, like if he said it enough times his own Cas might be able to hear him. And Cas just held him, this man that was sort of the man he yearned to hold but was mostly a stranger. His body was instinctively telling him to let go, that he’d crossed a line and was making Dean uncomfortable, but this Dean treated hugging like the most natural thing in the world. And Cas thought about his alternate self, who got to experience this every day but also had to experience Dean’s ultimate betrayal, and he too found himself mourning the other Castiel.

Having long taken his time tidying the kitchen, Dean found himself sitting at the map table with his beer, the bunker oddly quiet. He cursed Alternate Sam for being so fascinated by the bunker’s relics, cursed his own brother for being so damn eager to show off his collection, and waited impatiently for them to finish up so that Alternate Sam and Dean could just leave already.

He didn’t even know where his own alternate self was, and the fact that Cas was similarly missing was making him fidget. He didn’t want to think about what they were talking about. Didn’t want to think about the picture-perfect Alternate Dean learning about some of Dean’s most shameful deeds, didn’t want Alternate Dean to realize just how messed up this version of himself was. Not that he thought Cas would intentionally start gossiping about his secrets, he told himself, but still. If Cas was telling Dean anything about the past few years, Dean’s sins stained almost everything that had happened and Cas was bound to accidentally mention something.

Worse, he feared the secrets that Alternate Dean may be able to disclose to Cas. His alternate self may be a totally different person, but there was one secret that Dean was pretty sure he shared with Alternate Dean. The big secret. The secret that most days he suppressed so hard he was able to convince himself he was imagining it, the one thing he would never, ever tell Sam or anyone else because if he said it out loud, it would actually be real.

Except apparently, Alternate Dean did not consider it a secret. As he had scrubbed the pans over and over again earlier he had tried to tell himself he was wrong, but the way Alternate Dean kept looking at Cas with such naked longing, the way Alternate Sam had continuously glanced at his brother’s expressions as if he’d seen them a million times, it was clear that in their universe, it wasn’t a secret at all.

Which meant that Alternate Dean could tell his Cas without thinking twice. Which meant that Dean hadn’t been imagining the feelings he’d been hiding from himself. Which meant that in another universe this wasn’t one more thing for him to hate about himself. Great, yet another way in which his alternate self was less broken than he was.

His thoughts were disrupted by footsteps, and when he turned around he was looking at his own face, his alternate self’s eyes slightly red-rimmed. He was alone.

“Where’s Cas?” Dean asked, colder than he intended.

Alternate Dean stepped into the room, taking a seat at the war table. “I asked him to give me a couple minutes. I think he went to find the Sams, figured they’d be in the archive room all night if we didn’t pull them away.”

“Hmm,” Dean responded, not particularly excited to find out what his alternate self wanted to talk about.

But instead of talking, Alternate Dean just watched Dean as he sipped his beer wordlessly, his eyes intent and searching. When Dean poured back the last drop into his mouth, he got up to grab another one from the library’s minifridge, and that was when Alternate Dean finally spoke.

“You know, when you guys were out earlier, my brother and I were talking. We felt bad for you guys, what with Father being dead here, the motels, the bunker, the lack of money, the fact you’re both mostly single…” He gave a small laugh to himself. “Sam said this was the ‘universe where everything went wrong’. If we were God’s success story, you were the underdog story.”

Alternate Dean looked down at the table and continued, “I don’t think that’s right. As soon as I saw Castiel I knew that couldn’t be true.” He shook his head slightly. “Whatever successes we had earlier in our life, it doesn’t matter. At least here, my greatest failure never happened.”

Dean scoffed at that. “And you think I never failed? I get it, you got your Cas killed. You're not special. Join the club. I was just lucky enough that he came back. I can’t even say that’s the worst thing I’ve ever done to him before, can you believe it?” Dean didn’t know why he was saying all this, couldn’t stop the words from coming out, regrets he’d never spoken about. “You think you’re the only person that has hurt him?”

“I guarantee that whatever you’ve done to him, whatever your history is, you can come back from it. I – what I did – we never could. It was too late for us.” Alternate Dean stared at him, but Dean refused to meet his gaze.

Alternate Dean pressed. “Look, whatever is going on between you two, whatever happened – and I don’t know, okay? Castiel wouldn't tell me – just know I’m jealous. I’ll be jealous for the rest of my damn life. Whatever it is you regret, whatever you think makes you so evil, just know you still have your chance here.”

Dean didn't know how to respond to that, didn't even want to think about what he could even say and definitely didn’t want to think about what kind of chance he was supposed to be taking. Apparently Dean was a screw up in every universe, even ones where, for all intents and purposes, he had it made. In every universe where Cas met Dean, Cas was worse off for it.

“Look, you don’t…” Dean started.

“I know,” Alternate Dean cut in. He gave a flat smile. “Guess being stubborn as hell is a trait we share.”

Dean laughed at that. “You know, you’re not the first Alternate Universe version of me to say that. I think every version of us is like that.” Dean finally looked his doppelganger in the eye as he said, “And apparently not a single version of us deserves him.”

Alternate Dean did not try to rebut that, instead looking down at the table in contemplative shame. “Still…” was all he was able to say.

They sat in silence for a moment, the condensation pooling onto the table around Dean’s forgotten beer. Dean’s head was a mess of thoughts, most of them indiscernible from one another, the only feeling breaking through being the overwhelming shame. He needed his alternate self to be gone, needed to retreat into his room with a bottle of whiskey and push these thoughts back behind the mental walls he’s been maintaining his whole damn life.

Finally, finally, he heard the sound of conversation as Sam, Alternate Sam, and Cas made their way into the war room, Sam droning on about an ancient Mesopotamian text in their possession that was once sought by King Arthur himself.

Heading over towards the garage, Alternate Sam said, “The collection truly is impressive. And I appreciate your hospitality, but we really should get going.”

Sam said, “You sure you don’t want to stay here tonight before your flight tomorrow? We have tons of rooms.”

Alternate Sam gave a terse smile and looked around briefly, looking at the bunker as if it were made of filth. “Thank you, but with the credit card you gave us, I think we’d prefer to find a hotel.”

Sam nodded, looking only a little offended. “No problem. Uh, this was weird? I guess good luck.”

Alternate Dean responded, “Thanks. Um, you too.” He gave Dean a purposeful look. “Don’t screw this up. Defeating God, I mean. And uh, tell Jack it was nice to meet him.”

Dean rolled his eyes, shook the hand that was offered to him, and tried not to stare when Alternate Dean took Cas’ hand tenderly and slowly shook it. “Goodbye, Castiel,” he said softly.

Dean swore Cas sounded nervous when he replied, “Goodbye, Dean.”

After final handshakes with Alternate Sam, he and Alternate Dean were finally gone, on their way to Brazil to disappear and retire in the sun.

The relief that Dean felt to finally be away from them was immediate, but it was quickly replaced by the unease at what the consequences of their visit would be. Cas was right behind him as they stood looking out the door of the garage, and he knew that when he turned around that the awkwardness between them would be practically tangible. He didn’t want to turn around. Didn’t want to see in Cas’ face that this visit had changed something between them. He could feel it in his gut, that Alternate Dean had said something to Cas.

“Dean.” It was Sam. “Dean?”

Dean took a deep breath, taking a moment to methodically put all of his emotions back into place and school his face into something neutral. He turned around and laughed. It only sounded a little forced. “Well,” he said, “that was the weirdest thing ever. Let’s never talk about that again, okay? Damn. I’m so done with seeing my doppelgangers.”

Dean glanced briefly at Cas, who had an unsure look on his face, before looking around the garage, his eyes settling on Baby.

“Yeah,” Sam said, “it was weird. You okay?”

“Of course I’m okay, Sammy.” Dean replied, the annoyance clear in his voice. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” It was a challenge and a test. Don’t mention it, Sammy. We’re never talking about whatever you’re thinking about.

“Nothing.” Sam said. He sounded annoyed, but he wasn’t going to push. Good. “It’s late, and I still want to call Eileen before sleeping, so I’m off. Goodnight.”

And without waiting for a reply, Sam stalked out of the garage in the direction of the bedrooms, leaving Cas and Dean alone in the garage.

The silence hung between them for a few moments, screaming to be broken. Dean should have walked away right then, said goodnight to Cas and left, like he’d been wanting to do all damn night. But now, alone with Cas, he found himself unable to move. Dean could feel Cas’ eyes on him, but he couldn’t look up to meet them, instead staring fixedly at Baby and trying to remember why he was so desperate to leave just a minute ago.

What did he say to you? Dean wondered silently. What did he do?

“I’m sorry,” Dean said finally. It was the only thing he could think of. I’m sorry you met me. I’m sorry I happened to you.

Dean looked up at Cas, and the alarm on his face made Dean even more anxious. Huh, guess they did talk about something I’m not supposed to know about.

“He’s not you,” was all Cas could say. Dean gave a small scoff at that, and Cas tentatively approached him, putting his hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean focused on not flinching at the physical contact, every touch feeling significant, and allowed himself to lean into the hand on his body.

“We’re… okay?” Cas asked hesitantly, his voice small.

Dean looked deep into Cas’ eyes, the bright blue looking glossy under the garage lights, his brow pulled tightly and his body stiff, as if he expected to be slapped away at any moment.

Finally, Dean responded. “Of course we are.” Dean forced a smile that turned into a genuine one as he clapped his hand on Cas’ back twice. “We’re always okay.”

That wasn’t true. Heck, just a few weeks ago they’d had the worst argument they’d ever had, Cas left and then they hadn’t spoken for weeks afterwards. Dean was sure he wouldn’t come back this time and deep down Dean knew it was his fault. But Cas had come back, eventually, as he always did. But things were different. The deep wells of resentment, mistrust, anger, and blame that had developed between the two over the years had left scars all over their friendship and sometimes, Dean wondered if it was only that scar tissue keeping them together at all.

If hurting Cas in every universe was just something Dean did, he hoped there was a version of himself out there that had allowed himself to love Cas before he hurt him so much. He needed there to be a version of them out there that had something that wasn’t damaged right out of the box. At least that would be something.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Cas said. He was letting Dean go. Right, Dean had been wanting that all night.

“‘Night, Cas. Thanks for… everything.” And with a quick glance back, Dean left the garage and headed for his bedroom.

Finally inside the safety of his room, Dean let out a sigh, took a swig of his trusty Jack Daniels before sitting on his bed. Forget, forget, forget. He was finally able to start working on those mental walls. It’s all in your head, Winchester. Except it wasn’t, was it? The night had been real. The look on Alternate Dean’s face had been real. Well then, it’s too late for us. It had to be. If it wasn’t too late, then Dean was the idiot who had let them get to this point.

With a groan, Dean took another swig before forcing himself to screw the cap back on and place the bottle back under his bed. He felt unsettled, but for some reason he didn’t want to numb it with alcohol. He wanted to feel it. As he lay in bed, the strongest urge to pray to Cas washed over him, the way he used to pray before bed when Cas had been taken by the Empty. Which made no sense at all; Cas was just down the hall. If Dean needed him so badly, he could just go see him.

No, Dean thought, I’ll see him tomorrow. Like always. He’ll still be here. And this mess between them would be here as well. After Chuck, Dean told himself. Whatever is going on with us – with me – it’ll be something we’ll figure out.

Alternate Dean had said it wasn’t too late for them. And maybe, if they survived Chuck, maybe he could be right.

Maybe.

#spn #supernatural #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #castiel x dean #huntercorp #huntercorp!dean #huntercorp!sam #destiel fic #supernatural fic #supernatural fanfic #destiel fanfic #ao3 #spn angst #spn fic #spn fanfic

38 notes · View notes