text || Faberry
R: [233AM] It was easy to forget.
Q: [300AM] I'm sorry.
R: It doesn’t matter now.
R: How was dinner?
Q: It does to me.
Q: It was good. I guess.
R: Okay. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Q:Can I ask why you still wear it, or is that something better left alone?
R: I love you.
R: That’s why. It’s the only thing I have left of you.
Q: Oh.
R: If it makes you uncomfortable I can throw them away.
Q: DON'T
R: Ok
Q: Sorry. That wasn't supposed to be in all caps. And I'm sorry for the voice I took with you earlier too. It just slipped out because I still hate hearing you talk about yourself like that. But I know that's not my place anymore and I need to remember that. Because that won't be my place until I've made up for so much more than I think even you know.
R: I was saying what feels like the truth.
R: You wouldn’t have taken that tone with me in the first place had you believed it wasn’t warranted.
R: We can go back and forth all day on who hurt the other more.
R: I think we’re not meant to go there.
Q: I still do not have your consent to dom you and that is what I am apologizing for. Because we both know what that tone means and I am not your dom, you are not my sub, and as such I was out of line. For which, I am sorry.
R: I accept your apology.
R: Like I suggested, I can just throw them away.
R: It’s clear I’m holding onto them and I shouldn’t be.
Q: I don't want you to throw them away. You can if you feel you need to, but believe me, it is not what I want. But whether you know it or not, I was a bad dom to you. And until I can sit down and explain to you why I feel this, until I can apologize to you and make amends, I do not even remotely deserve to have you associate me with such. But that does not mean that, when all is said and done, I do not wish to be given a second chance.
R: I was bad to you in general. I’m trying to be better.
Q: I wasn't good for either of us and maybe you weren't either, but at least we're both working on it, apart.
Q: I hate to admit it, and if you ever tell them I said this I will purposefully buy a sheet of gold star stickers and burn it JUST to send the video of it to you, but your dads were right, to do what they did with us. To interfere.
R: That was not a very nice thing to say!
R: I’m going to plead the fifth.
Q: But you get my point, which is what counts.
Q: It's just something I personally feel, though pleading the 5th ONLY protects you from self-incrimination so... things to consider.
R: I’m not sure I could incriminate myself more than I already have. I’ve been doing nothing but owning up to my failures and mistakes.
R: They didn’t have to make you leave me.
Q: You and me both. You and me both.
Q: Yeah, they did. NOt because of you, but because of me.
R: I don’t know what to say to that.
R: I should be sleeping but I can’t stop thinking about you.
Q: I'll explain later, it makes more sense in context of everything I know now.
Q: I should also be sleeping, but not sleeping because I'm thinking about you is common.
R: Fine.
R: I know that feeling.
Q: Believe me, it's not the kind of conversation one can have over text. OR so says my sponsor...
Q: Would me not texting you help?
R: I’m not asking you to text me anything. I was simply complying.
R: I just found out for myself you’re actually alive. I don’t know what I want right now.
Q: I know, but I've learned telling people the reminders I need to keep for myself is helpful in actually getting them to stick. Accountability and all that. Still not that great with it.
Q: Okay. Well, I'll be here, if you still want to text.
R: I get it. I try and do the same.
R: There’s no such thing as great
Q: Yeah but saying "not that great" is better than "completely terrible" so... little things.
R: You’re right. Thanks.
R: Little things turn into big things to be proud of most of the time!
Q: Yeah, they do. Doesn't matter how big the step is, as long as you're making it in the right direction.
Q: Which is why "12 step program" is a misnomer
R: Seems misleading and stressful
Q: I mean, it's 12 sets of things you should do but it's more like floors of a building and each stairwell is located in a different place on each floor, cos each individual "step" tends to have a lot of little parts and then you have to navigate from the end of that "step" to the next one and it's not always the easiest thing to do.
Q: So, yeah, it can be stressful.
R: So it’s not really 12 steps?
Q: It's like those math questions with like parts a through f or whatever. It also isn't the best system as it's highly biased and religious but I like parts of it.
R: Sounds frustrating. To me anyways.
R: That’s all that matters though, that you like it.
Q: My sponsor is cool. He only abides by the idea of knowing you've got problems, doing what needs doing to help yourself heal, and making amends to those you hurt along the way, and then working to keep from backsliding and if you do, knowing how to move forward from that. It's less stressful and more open minded.
R: Sounds like exactly what you need.
Q: It is
R: How was the day?
Q: Lazy, mostly. Yours?
R: What does lazy mean to you?
R: Busy but in a good way
Q: Video games, some reading, music, a trip to the gym. And now Netflix with my cat.
Q: That's good.
R: I knew it wasn’t actually lazy.
Q: I don't know how to do proper lazy since getting clean. So, I improvise.
R: I like it.
Q: It's nice. I actually do Zumba, keeps me from overdoing it at the gym. It's fun, but I'm the only guy.
R: I do yoga for that reason.
R: It sounds fun though. I’m sure all the girls stare at you.
Q: The scars tend to scare them off.
R: Right.
Q: It's the kind of honesty that makes people uncomfortable.
R: I understand to some extent.
R: I’m sorry.
Q: Nothing to be sorry for.
R: Is the music fun?
Q: Usually, yeah. If we're talking about Zumba still.
R: We are. I am I mean!
Q: I mean, that's not to say I don't find the music I spend my free time playing not fun, but just wanted to be sure.
R: I’d hope what you do in your free time is fun!
R: I started taking singing lessons again.
Q: Sometimes it's more for catharsis than fun, but usually... I have a banjo now.
Q: Really?!
R: A banjo? What for?
R: Yes really.
Q: To play.
Q: I'm really glad to hear that.
R: That sounds fun!
Q: It is. I've even started singing again myself...
R: I’m so happy to hear that!!
Q: I sound nothing like I used to but... I'm not terrible, at least?
R: I hope to hear one day!
Q: I hope so too.
R: Really??
Q: Yeah, really.
R: That makes me really happy.
Q: Maybe next weekend we can do something?
R: I know of a place that does karaoke? That sort of something?
Q: As long as it doesn't get me near alcohol or drugs I'm down for anything. Just as long as you want to.
R: Hmm.
R: I’d like to see you. I would love to have you as my friend.
Q: We could meet in Central Park, talk a walk through the Shakespeare Garden? Something nice, public, and lacks any sort of pressure to come or leave together.
R: You always know the answer 🙂
R: Sounds perfect.
Q: I definitely don't, but I do have my moments.
Q: Saturday then?
R: Often with me
R: It’s a date!
Q: I look forward to it. I've missed you.
R: I’ve missed you too.
R: A lot
Q: If Saturday goes well, maybe we can figure out when will be best for me to apologize and explain myself. I don't want us to get too far into friendship and then blow it all apart because of that. If that makes sense.
R: Right.
R: I think that we should maybe talk first.
Q: And we can, if that's what you want. I just figured- we've only seen each other once in public since then and I worry about what happens if the second time we interact is in private, as the talk will need to be. Y'know?
R: What do you mean?
R: I’m not sure I can have fun with you before hashing out all the yucky stuff.
R: I dong think I’d like the fun being taken away.
Q: I don't know if I trust myself to be emotionally vulnerable with you in private and not do something I'll regret in the process, yet. I feel like I need more time to build up the right defenses for myself and I can only do that by being in public with you. I don't even know if that makes sense, but... I'm scared of slipping into old habits because of what we need to talk about.
Q: But if you don't want that I can figure something else out. Maybe you can plan to come by a couple nights this week just in case I can't do it all at once and then if you still want to be around me we already have plans for Saturday?
R: It doesn’t have to make sense to me.
R: I need to respect that. And I will. Saturday is fine.
R: Thank you for telling me.
Q: I... thank you.
Q: How about this. We do Saturday in the park and because Monday is labor day, we do something small together in public and then come back to my place (should we both feel ready) and have that talk?
R: That’s as long as Saturday goes well 😛
R: I can commit to that.
Q: Yes, but that was stated earlier so I wasn't going to repeat myself.
Q: Thank you, for even considering the idea of allowing me the opportunity to do this.
R: I want to know you again.
Q: I want to know you too
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