Caliborn, Dirk Strider
Act 6, page 4646-4651
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]
uu: HELLO DIRK.
uu: I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.
TT: Oh mother fuck.
uu: WHAT DO YOu SAY??
uu: tumut
TT: What game?
uu: YOu KNOW WHAT GAME.
uu: THE ONE WHERE I SAY. I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOu SOME DAY.
uu: AND THERE'S NOTHING YOu CAN DO ABOuT IT?
uu: JuST SOME MORE MENACING SHIT LIKE THAT.
uu: ALL JuST BuNDLED uP IN THE PRETENSE OF A LOT OF uSELESS FuCKING PuZZLES.
TT: Oh, right.
TT: That game.
TT: And here I thought you were going to ask me to draw you more weird porn for some reason.
uu: WELL. THE NIGHT IS STILL YOuNG. SO WHO KNOWS?
uu: BuT NAH. I WAS JuST DROPPING BY AGAIN TO SAY HOW I'M GONNA KILL YOu. THAT'S ALL.
uu: AND THIS IS JuST ASSuMING YOu DON'T ALL DIE BEFORE I GET THE CHANCE TO PuZZLEMuRDER YOu. ON ACCOuNT OF YOu BEING A BuNCH OF HIDEOuS FuCKuPS.
uu: I MEAN LOOK AT THIS.
uu: YOu ALREADY BLEW IT.
TT: Blew what?
uu: ON DERSE.
uu: YOu uPSET THE ORDER. DIDN'T YOu.
uu: YOu WENT AND PISSED OFF THE WITCH?
uu: NOW THEY'RE GOING TO HuNT YOu DOWN DuDE!
uu: THEY'RE PROBABLY ON THEIR WAY. TO KILL YOu RIGHT NOW.
TT: I'm pretty well hidden on Derse. I doubt they'll find me until I'm ready to be found again.
uu: NO. NOT ON DERSE. ON YOuR PLANET. EARTH??
uu: YOu'RE PRETTY FuCKING EASY TO FIND THERE. DON'T YOu THINK?
uu: OH YES. YOuR AGGRESSORS ARE COMING FOR YOu. I HAVE SEEN IT.
uu: IN FACT. THEY ARE PROBABLY ALREADY HERE.
TT: Yeah.
TT: Well, I was expecting as much.
TT: It's kind of why I was on my way to the roof just now.
TT: Until I was interrupted by this window appearing, and then by you.
TT: Maybe I should try plugging it in?
uu: OH MY GOD. WHO CARES?
uu: IT'S JuST SOME MORE POINTLESS TRASH FOR YOu TO OBSESS OVER, AND DISTRACT YOu FROM GETTING ANY ACTuAL RELEVANT SHIT DONE.
uu: THE AMOuNT TIME YOu PEOPLE WASTE. IT IS FuCKING uNBELIEVABLE TO ME.
uu: I READ ABOuT SOME OF THE THINGS YOu AND YOuR PREDECESSORS HAVE DONE. FAR MORE THAN I CARED TO. TRuST ME.
uu: AND EVERY TIME. I'M ALWAYS JuST...
uu: *GET THE FuCK ON WITH IT ALREADY.*
TT: I didn't think you were much of a historian.
uu: I'M NOT.
uu: SHE SENDS ME SO MuCH BuLLSHIT ABOuT THIS. YOu DON'T EVEN KNOW.
uu: SHE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. LIKE EXCHANGE THEORIES AND SHIT. AND I HAVE TO JuST BE LIKE *BITCH I DON'T GOD DAMN CARE!!!*
uu: EVERY TIME.
uu: BuT IT DOESN'T MATTER. WHAT'S THE NEXT THING I INVARIABLY FIND ON MY TERMINAL?
uu: ANOTHER GOD DAMN WALL OF TEXT.
uu: ALL COLOR CODED AND FORMATTED FOR ME TO READ. AND EVERYTHING.
uu: JuST WALLS AND WALLS. OF CANDY ASSED TOOTY FRuITY FuCKING SHIT. LOADS. OF. TEXT.
uu: OF PEOPLE BABBLING MOSTLY.
uu: WE ARE TALKING ABOuT MIGRAINE INDuCING DIARRHETIC VERTICAL SuICIDE DROPS OF uGLY FuCKING WORDS.
uu: IMPENETRABLY ASININE RAINBOW FREEFALLS OF FRIVOLOuS BANTER. GOT IT?
uu: SO I SAY. WHAT IS THIS? I TOLD YOu IF YOu SENT ME ANY MORE FAN FICTION I WOuLD FLY TO PROSPIT AND MuRDER YOu IN YOuR SLEEP. WHICH I STILL MIGHT DO *REGARDLESS*. BuT ANYWAY.
uu: SHE SAYS THESE ARE ACTuAL ANCIENT TRANSCRIPTS!
uu: I'M LIKE. WELL FuCK.
uu: HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE TALK SO MuCH.
uu: I FEEL LIKE I'M PICKING uP SOME BAD HABITS FROM YOu WINDBAGGING PISSFACES.
uu: LOOK AT THIS. I WASN'T EVEN GONNA GO OFF LIKE THIS.
uu: THIS WAS SuPPOSED TO BE JuST. AN IN AND OuT FuCK YOu.
uu: I'M SO DONE HERE.
uu: ANYWAY. LATER. YOu HORSEPORKING TWIT.
TT: Wait.
TT: Just one thing before you go.
TT: Your sister was saying you were having some doubts about playing.
TT: Is that true?
uu: SHE'S NOT MY SISTER.
uu: WE DON'T GOT SISTERS. IT'S NOT A THING. DON'T DRAG uS THROuGH YOuR NASTY HuMAN FAMILIAL MuD.
uu: OF COuRSE I'M GOING TO PLAY. I WAS JuST SAYING I WOuLDN'T. YOu KNOW. TO FuCK WITH HER AND MAKE HER CRY.
uu: LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE. BuT TO PLAY.
uu: HOW ELSE AM I GOING TO GET OFF THIS DESOLATE ROCK?
uu: YOu THINK I WANT TO STAY HERE? JuST HANG AROuND. TIL I JOIN THE HuNDRED BILLION CORPSES FERTILIZING THE SOIL?
TT: I see.
TT: No, didn't think so. I was just curious.
uu: HuMAN CuRIOSITY IS CONTEMPTIBLE. SHE SHARES THAT WITH YOu. AND I CAN'T FuCKING STAND IT.
TT: Gotcha.
TT: You sure seem to hate us, but I notice it doesn't stop you from talking to us frequently. Or at least to me.
TT: Surely there must be at least one of our virtues you admire.
uu: YES. AMBITION. THAT'S THE ONLY GOOD ONE.
uu: AND I THINK YOu GOT THAT. WHICH IS MAYBE WHY. YOu'RE THE ONLY ONE I CAN PuT uP WITH FOR ANY DuRATION?
uu: LET'S CALL IT A GRuDGING RESPECT. WHICH IS THE ONLY KIND THAT'S EVEN WORTH A FuCK.
TT: I'll take that as a rare overture of friendship.
uu: NO. DON'T.
TT: So, do you even know how this is going to work?
uu: WHAT.
TT: Your session. Can you even really have a session with only two players?
uu: SHE SAYS YOu CAN. AND SHE LIKES TO THINK SHE'S THE EXPERT.
uu: PERSONALLY? I DON'T CARE.
uu: MAYBE IT'S AGAINST THE RuLES. WHAT WE'RE DOING.
uu: I JuST WANT TO GET IN THERE. AND JuST.
uu: FuCK.
uu: SHIT.
uu: uP.
TT: Yeah.
TT: I sensed that was your plan.
TT: Which is kind of what I'm talking about. How can you win like that?
TT: I thought the point was to cooperate with your coplayers to achieve an objective.
TT: Not compete with them or try to kill them. I don't think we've had one conversation where you didn't express the desire to kill her.
uu: I GuESS WE'LL JuST HAVE TO SEE. WON'T WE?
uu: I THINK THIS IS PROBABLY A DIFFERENT KIND OF SESSION.
uu: ONE WHERE THE PLAYERS FIGHT FOR SuPREMACY. RATHER THAN WORK TOGETHER.
uu: I THINK THAT IT MuST BE THAT WAY.
uu: BECAuSE THAT IS HOW I WANT IT TO BE.
uu: AND IF I WANT SOMETHING TO BE TRuE HARD ENOuGH. THEN THAT MAKES IT SLIGHTLY MORE ABSOLuTELY IRREFuTABLE.
uu: ARE YOu FEELING ME, FuCKER?
TT: Maybe you're right.
TT: But since that's how you feel now, maybe the truth is that the game is challenging you to overcome those feelings?
TT: What if your real quest is to put aside your differences and work together, if you want to both survive, and grow as a person?
uu: NO.
uu: NO. NO. NO.
uu: FuCK THAT SHIT.
uu: HuMAN FuCK THAT SHIT. NOT EVEN ALIEN FuCK THAT SHIT. SO YOu CAN uNDERSTAND BETTER. THE KIND OF FuCKING OF THE SHIT THAT'S GOING ON.
uu: HuMAN FuCK IT SO MuCH. SO HARD, AND SO ANGRILY.
TT: Yeah, I didn't think you'd dig that idea.
TT: Just puttin' it out there.
uu: HOW ABOuT YOu SHuT uP? AND GET ON THE ROOF. AND TAKE YOuR FuCKING PuNISHMENT.
uu: NOW WHERE THE HELL IS YOuR GHASTLY JuJu.
uu: GO GET IT. AND HuRRY uP.
TT: My juju?
uu: THE LOATHSOME FALSE PERSON. WITH THE FLOPPY LIMBS. IN DERSITE ATTIRE. YOu LIKE TO NAP WITH.
TT: Oh, Lil Cal? No, man.
TT: Lil Cal is the shit.
uu: THAT THING IS NOT THE SHIT.
uu: IT IS AN uNCANNY GRINNING MOCKERY. A BAD OMEN. YOu SHOuLD CHOP IT uP AND BuRN IT.
TT: No way, dude. He's my best friend.
uu: HOW FuCKING SAD IS THAT??
uu: I'M JuST TRYING. FOR ONCE. AND THE ONLY TIME EVER. TO BE HELPFuL.
uu: THOSE THINGS.
uu: YOu DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
TT: A kickass ventriloquist doll?
TT: I've been given reason to believe it once belonged to my bro.
uu: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. WHAT YOu BELIEVE.
uu: THERE'S ONLY ONE REASON FOR THOSE TO EXIST.
uu: IT IS TO TuRN THE LIFE OF EVERYONE WHO OCCuPIES THE SAME uNIVERSE WITH IT.
uu: INTO A NIGHTMARE.
TT: Is that one of your alien folk stories?
uu: YES.
uu: BuT IT ALSO.
uu: IS TRuE.
uu: GET RID OF IT.
TT: You could argue that my life is already kind of a nightmare, so there's no point in getting rid of him now.
TT: Either way, I'm gonna hang on to him.
uu: YOu STuBBORN FuCK.
uu: FINE.
uu: MAYBE IT DOESN'T MATTER.
uu: MAYBE YOuRS IS uNTAINTED? I DON'T KNOW.
uu: COuLD BE. ITS EYES LOOK...
uu: DEAD TO ME?
uu: MAYBE YOu LuCKED THE FuCK OuT. WITH YOuR PARTICuLAR JuJu.
TT: I honestly had no idea you were this superstitious.
TT: You're a pretty fascinating guy, in a way. I can't really figure you out.
TT: In case you're wondering why I put up with you more than my friends do.
uu: I WASN'T.
uu: NOW ARE YOu GOING TO GO GET IT.
uu: OR WHAT.
TT: Why do you want me to get Cal so bad?
uu: I DON'T!
uu: JuST THAT. I SAW YOu. SLIGHTLY AHEAD OF NOW.
uu: CLIMBING TO THE ROOF WITH THAT THING.
uu: SO APPARENTLY. IT'S REQuISITE FOR GETTING THE FuCK ON WITH STuFF??
uu: DuMBASS.
TT: Ok. So, some self-fulfilling shit, then. I was hoping for a better reason.
uu: WHATEVER. DON'T TAKE IT.
uu: MAKE A PARADOX HAPPEN. WORKS FOR FuCKING ME.
TT: At this point I'm leaning toward grabbing him just cause he seems to bother you so much.
uu: WELL. I'VE HEARD OF WORSE REASONS FOR ACTING LIKE A STuPID PIECE OF SHIT.
TT: This is probably a dumb question, but you don't really care about "causal spoilers," do you?
uu: YES. THAT'S uNBELIEVABLY DuMB TO ASK.
TT: Like, you don't mind telling me I'm about to pick up Cal, and thus causing that to happen.
TT: So I guess you similarly wouldn't mind telling us about more significant outcomes?
uu: IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T MIND. IT'S THAT I FAIL SPECTACuLARLY TO GIVE A SHIT.
uu: THERE IS SuCH A BIG DIFFERENCE.
uu: AND THE FACT THAT I MIGHT NOT CLuE YOu INTO YOuR FATE ALL THE TIME.
uu: DuE TO MY AGGRAVATED APATHY OVER THE MATTER.
uu: IS AN IMMuTABLE FACT. I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD.
uu: IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT GIVING A SHIT IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE.
TT: I feel like you've said something like that before.
TT: Different statements, but in that exact syntax.
uu: OH. YOu KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE?
uu: WHEN THAT FuCKING HAPPENS.
TT: Wait. You mean it wasn't intentional?
TT: I thought it was kind of like... this thing you were doing.
uu: SHuT uP.
uu: YOu KNOW WHAT?
uu: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. AND I DON'T CARE.
uu: I THINK IT'S REGRETTABLY LIKELY. THAT YOu SuCCEED.
uu: I THINK THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE TEND TO DO. WHEN THEY ARE REGARDED AS LEGENDS BY OBSESSIVE ASSHOLES.
uu: SO MAYBE YOu ALL DIE. OR MAYBE YOu DON'T.
uu: BuT IF YOu DON'T. I'LL TAKE SOLACE IN THE FACT.
uu: THAT IT MEANS I STILL GET THE CHANCE TO KILL YOu.
uu: HOW ABOuT THAT? FOR CAuSAL SPOILERS?
TT: Fair enough.
TT: Hey, you know...
TT: For someone who has such strong opinions about long winded people,
TT: You've kinda been talking my ear off. I do actually have shit to do.
uu: uGH.
uu: YEAH.
uu: SEE HOW YOu PEOPLE SuCK ME INTO YOuR BuLLSHIT?
uu: I SHOuLD HAVE KEPT IT BRIEF. AND SuRLY. LIKE I WAS GOING TO.
uu: LIKE JuST SAID.
uu: "HELLO DIRK."
uu: "I WANT TO PLAY A GAME."
uu: AND THEN LIKE.
uu: "BRO."
uu: "ROOF. NOW."
uu: "BRING JuJu."
uu: AND THAT'S IT.
uu: YEAH. THAT WOuLD HAVE BEEN GOOD.
uu: COLD FuCKING BLOODED. TO THE POINT. DAMMIT.
TT: That actually sounds familiar too.
TT: Are you sure you haven't said something like that before?
uu: HAVE I?
uu: FuCK. I DON'T KNOW. WHATEVER.
TT: Anyway, let's wrap this up.
TT: You've stolen enough of my time. I didn't even get a chance to try plugging in that window.
uu: I DID YOu A FAVOR. ANOTHER POINTLESS ACTION STRICKEN FROM THE TIMELINE.
TT: Hang on.
TT: Something's happening.
uu: THE DRONES HAVE COME A KNOCKING. I TOLD YOu.
uu: THEY'RE COMING FOR YOu MAN! HAHAHA.
uu: LATER DOuCHE.
uu: TUMUT
TT: I think...
TT: You just had a flipoff malfunction, there.
uu: SHIT.
uu: uH.
uu: tUMUt!
TT: That's better.
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT]
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Deadpool + Wolverine tk headcanons !!!
a/n : i love these 2 so much …. ever since findin out theyre both canonically ticklish in the comics ive been EXPLIDINF . this movie reawakened my obsession so lets goooo ^-^
Words : (4649 under cut)
Deadpool
As a ler :
ohmygod . he is RUTHLESS
so mean yet so silly when he tickles
yk in the beginning of xmen origins wolverine ?? how he was usin his katanas to block all those bullets ???? hes so fast w his arms n he would be able to pin anyone in an INSTANT
like he could wrap his arms around you n trap you in a tickly bear hug so easily
SUCH a tease; both verbally n physically
he would slowly lower his hands on his victim while wriggling his fingers n when hes about to touch you he'll quickly shoot his hands back up n keep on doin that
n the baby talk OH LORD THE BABY TALK
this man will leave anyone redder than his suit
"awwww whos a tickwish wittle baby ?? you are !! yes you areeeee !!"
"coochiecoochiecoochiecoochiecoo"
"whats got you laughin so much huh ?? sounds like you got a tickle in your throat"
like SHUT UPPPPDKDJKFJHDJ
points out any noises made
if you snort or wheeze or squeal or anything similar he WILL tease you more
aware when you want him to stop but also aware that he doesnt wanna stop
"did you say stop ?? do you mean it ?? do you ?? huh , huh , huh ?? hmmmm alright alright i'll stop"
n if you actually LIKE being tickled ?? oh god hes never letting you live free of tickles ever again
will use every excuse possible to try n tickle you
you had a bad day ? tickles . youre being stubborn ? tickles .
you need to wake up, need to go to sleep, need to be convinced, need to relax, wade just gets bored,
everything . t i c k l e s
overall : be scared but not worried (if that makes sense)
As a lee :
ohh how the turns have tabled
talks so much shit beforehand but the SECOND he gets it hes all like "WAITWAITWAIT LETS TALK PLS"
absolute gigglefest . when you first strike a bad spot he does this squealwheeze combo
THE MOST TICKLISH THIGHS IN THE WORLD EVER
more sensitive to light touch there but squeezing still gets him CACKLIN
like if you just . lightly drag your fingertips or nails anywhere on his thighs …
oh hes dead . youve officially killed mr immortal .
ticklish palms too DONT ASK I JUST KNOW IT
again, light touch here n hes a puddle
if you try to tease him while ticklin hes gonna somehow turn it around ?????
if you try to fluster him or just point anything out he will get so SNIDEEEE
"yohohou have NO rihight to tahahalk peanuhuht, we AHALL know how bahahad it ihis for you whehehen i WAITWAITWAHAHAHAIT IM SOHORRY NO -"
lil shit deserves it lol (still love him)
Wolverine
As a ler :
isn't as evil as wade, but you dont wanna test him
like he wouldnt go as rough or tease as much but HE STILL WILL
wont do any anticipation tricks, hes just gonna do it
he will chase you, however, but only if you run
more on the playful side; accidently teases you by pointing out the obvious
"wow its real bad for ya here, huh bub ??"
"jesus kid stop kicking so much, oh wait … you cant, can ya ??"
hes always got this cheeky grin on his face too
super analyzes how much certain pressure n techniques works best on all your spots bc hes a BIG BULLY
if he wanted to, youd be dead in a minute ♡ (not really)
if you were being a brat then hes gonna use his facial hair
n GOD it tickles so bad
like if hes getting you from behind he might just decide to . nuzzle into your neck n its amazing HORRIBLE
in short : dont be annoying n youre good !
As a lee :
where do i even begin …
hes got such a precious smile its like how could you NOT tickle him to pieces
its pretty well known how he already has his wheezy snort laughs
catching him off guard will get the best wheezes
like if you sneak attack or switch to a bad spot suddenly
tbh hes gonna snort no matter what you do … its what n where you do it that might give you more muehehehe
pinch his sides ?? 1 snort every 20 seconds
scratch his ribs ?? 1 snort every 10 - 15
do anthing on his tummy / underarms ?? youre getting that 1 per 5 wolvie special !!!
1 SQUEEZE ON THE KNEE N ITS GAME OVER FOR HIM . if you rapid squeeze them it becomes a damn piggie pen
wade definitely abuses this
PLEASEEEE HEAR ME OUT ON HIS BACK
yall know in the first xmen when hes shirtless w his hand on the fence of a fighting ring n you can see his BACKKKK please give me a chance
light tickles there makes him MELT
youll get the sweetest giggles w an occasional wheeze
lightly scratching or tracing his shoulder blades will lead to slightly louder giggles
n rubbing your knuckles into his back dimples gets the absolute bestest snorts
TICKLISH COLLARBONES . THERE I SAID IT
im a sucker for lee wolverine idk if you can tell (its obvious)
oke doke thats it for now !! AAAAAAA im sorry these took so long TwT im just happy i got em done ehehe
sending love to everyone who reads these :D i hope you enjoyed - make sure yall stay healthy n happy ^-^ ♡
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