#5) another song i inherited from my parents. my grandma also really likes this song lol

[softwarmfur]

when you get this ask you have to answer with 5 of ur fav songs and then send this ask to 10 of ur favourite followers !

Eeeuuuuuuugh....so hard to choose....okay these are not my top 5 but they are 5 I have randomly selected out of all my favorite songs:

- RELIGIOUS MAN - Mister Loco

- Fire is Coming - Flying Lotus and David Lynch

Public Pervert - Interpol

Shredder sequel - Little Wings

Little Pleasures - TOKiMONSTA and Gavin Turek

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Rock and roll the night away!

What better way to escape than getting lost in music? Headphones on, thoughts off - nothing like some good bops to help get you through the day.

KK Slider's been looking into expanding his musical repertoire so he's been playing around with different genres in hopes of creating a brand new sound. And that's how rock and roll night came to be!

Joining us on this musical adventure are Sonja, with her siblings Robbie and Tiffy, and cousin Bubba. It's been ages since Daisy Jane and I have last hung out with Sonja so it's nice that she and her fam dropped by for a visit. I've hung out with Robbie and Bubba a handful of times while this is the first time I've met Tiffy.

Sonja's been meaning to stop by the camp for a while but life has gotten busy. She also wanted her dad and stepmom to come along too but then something came up so they were unable to make it at the last minute. Same thing for her grandma, though to be honest, camping isn't really her thing so it's probably for the best that she didn't come.

Old Thelma Lou may come across as a cantankerous old lady but she really is a nice person once you get to know her. Underneath that rough exterior is a protective, dedicated, and tough mother figure who wants what's best for you, even if she kinda has a hard time showing how much she cares about you. We video chatted with her before the concert and she's still the same old Thelma Lou, keeping an eye on her children, grandchildren, and their friends in her own unconventional ways.

We also chatted with Buzz and Skeeter, both who are doing well. The reason why they weren't able to join us at the camp is because Skeeter's pregnant again. She and Buzz were going to have a boy last fall but there were complications and the baby was stillborn. So far things are moving along smoothly, but to be safe, Skeeter's on strict bed rest. In about four months, Sonja, Robbie, and Tiffy will have a little sister!

Sonja has been busy working on her graphic novel, which she plans to release in the fall. She's a freelance graphic designer and illustrator, known for posting relatable and funny comics online. I love her art - it's got a sketchy and loose style that's sorta minimal yet super expressive. When I got into digital art, I took some inspiration from Sonja's work by using pencil brushes for line art and the gouache brush for coloring.

After working in the studio for hours on the book over the past several weeks, Sonja felt she could use a change of scenery - which was the main reason why she wanted to come to the camp. She also wants to get back into using traditional mediums like painting so she brought along some canvases and paints. The great outdoors is perfect for finding inspiration when you're in a rut!

Robbie runs a fix-it shop in Elmstown with two of his friends. His specialties are clocks and anything that has a lock thanks to his grandma and dad - Thelma Lou likes collecting clocks and Buzz's a locksmith. He's the reason why the family saves so much on repairs - Robbie and his friends can pretty much fix anything! Elmstown is pretty far but I'm keeping his business card in case I need something fixed like my computer since that'll be more cost effective than sending it to the store where I'll probably get overcharged.

It's a good thing we have Robbie here to help KK Slider with the equipment. He had some old amps and guitars that he'd been meaning to get fixed but since they were custom made, it's hard to find parts that need replacement. Thankfully, Robbie never leaves home without his toolbox and with his magic, we were able to improve the stage setup.

Bubba's still living with Thelma Lou, though he's in the process of moving out to his own place. He's not leaving Rayetown though, just moving to the other side of town so he can be closer to the post office. Along with delivering packages for the citizens of Rayetown, Bubba's also a drummer and occasional lead singer for The Cogwheels, a local band that regularly performs at the Chili Bowl.

Thelma Lou and Bubba have a sweet relationship. He's the oldest of the Harp grandchildren through Thelma Lou's daughter. His parents pretty dumped him on Thelma Lou's doorstep when they moved halfway across the country, which wasn't very nice of them. His mom and grandma have a stormy relationship so that explains why Thelma Lou's kinda overprotective of him, and in return he respects her a lot. Recently though, Bubba and his mom have been keeping in touch sporadically - thanks to Uncle Buzz and Aunt Skeeter. As for his dad though, since he walked out on his mom, he hasn't heard from him in years, which he feels is probably for the best.

And there's Tiffy, the youngest (so far) of the grandchildren. She's seven and a half years old and likes to sing and dance. This is her first time being away from home for a couple days so she's pretty excited about it. Plus, she gets to spend time with her siblings, something she always looks forward to since they live far from home. By the time she was born, Sonja and Robbie had already long moved out of Rayetown. Up until Tiffy came along, Sonja and Robbie rarely visited home, a deliberate choice that they both kinda regretted but at the same time felt it was necessary.

Tiffy's looking forward to the new baby - and she's absolutely certain that things will work out this time. She was really bummed about what happened with her brother, especially since she always wanted a little sibling. Buzz and Skeeter had been trying for years to have another kid - they didn't have Tiffy until about six years into their marriage - and that was after being told many times that they missed the boat. It's a good thing they didn't give up or else Tiffy wouldn't be here today!

While helping KK Slider set up for the concert, we also went sightseeing outside the camp. Now that the weather's warming up and the sun's staying out longer, we can venture further out. The first place we went was the mountains, where Sonja was inspired to pull out her canvases and paints. She's been working on landscapes and backgrounds so it was the perfect opportunity. Since she had a lot of fun doing that, I figured we could do the same in other places outside the camp like the woods or the meadows.

As they were testing out the equipment, KK and Bubba were jamming out while Tiffy danced. She definitely inherited Buzz and Skeeter's dance skills! Tap dancing and ballet are her favorites and she definitely wants to branch out to other forms of dance. Her parents are looking into more dance classes for Tiffy, which she's excited for. One of the reasons why she's looking forward to having another sibling is so she can have a dance partner in the future. Imagine, Tiffy and her little sister, dancing together!

Later, Robbie joined in on the jam session, playing the bass. Apollo, Static, and Cherry joined in as well, and before we knew it, all of them were writing new songs that eventually became the setlist for the concert! Sonja later got into the jam session after Daisy Jane showed her around the cabin and her studio. I sense a collaboration between the two in the near future...

Around 5 we finished setting up for the concert and began preparing for a barbecue dinner. By the time all the food was set up, it was time to rock and roll! I have to say, KK and the campers really outdid themselves with the stage setup. It was a mix of performances by KK Slider and jam sessions by us. The concert was an awesome experience!

In the span of one hour, Bubba and KK wrote Road Ode. KK came up with the intricate melody that's a perfect fusion of his signature sound along with elements of classic rock. Bubba came up with the lyrics, taking inspiration from his relationships with his mother and grandma. Easily one of the highlights of the night.

Apollo sang lead on a number he co-authored with KK Slider titled Old Man Blues. It's a bluesy rock and roll tune with a catchy guitar riff that's stuck in my head as I write this. The light show visuals really add to the vibe of this song, elevating it to another level.

Static and Cherry performed Heavy Metal Ballad as a trio with KK Slider - another song that was just finished today. The song was actually three different compositions that merged into one. Cherry has been playing around with a cool heavy metal beat for a while. She had a good thing going on but had trouble turning it into something, so she put it aside in hopes of finding the right spark to kick it off. Static came up with lyrics for the chorus, originally through a little ditty he called Lightning Muses. And like Cherry, he had something but couldn't figure out what direction he wanted to take it. Then along comes KK Slider, who saw the potential in these two wildly different compositions. Somehow, with his verses and additional melodies, he created an instant hit!

In an unexpected surprise, KK Slider got Daisy Jane and I on to perform a new KK original as well as a couple songs from Lilac and the Cadillacs. The new song, Sky Blue Twilight, is a collaboration between me, Daisy Jane, and KK Slider. It was something we came up with a while back, and I had almost forgotten about it until today. I'm pretty rusty from songwriting but working on this piece was pretty fun! I really should get back into writing music...

Sonja, Robbie, and Tiffy also joined Bubba on stage for another new song, titled All That Rock 'n' Roll. Tiffy sang lead vocals with Sonja on the keys and Robbie on bass. Along with being a fantastic dancer, Tiffy's a great singer! I filmed the whole thing for Bubba so he can send it to Thelma Lou, Buzz, and Skeeter. I have to say, KK Slider and Bubba make a great songwriting team!

Another fun song is Violet Blaze, an upbeat rock and roll tune by KK Slider, Candi, Kabuki, and Spike. KK Slider really outdid himself on that guitar solo! With riffs like that, there's no other song fitting to be titled Violet Blaze. What one can't put into words, music expresses it - one just has to listen and feel.

And of course, in between the new songs were KK Slider classics, but remixed. It's amazing how changing up the genre can give well known songs a fresh makeover! That's what I love about KK Slider's music - the versatility. In terms of reinventing his sound while staying true to himself, I'd say KK Slider succeeded with flying colors!

Aside from Tiffy and the early risers, the rest of us have been rocking and rolling way past midnight. I'm still a bit buzzed from the concert, which just ended less than an hour ago, so I'm gonna unwind for a bit before going to bed.

[fallingstarsarentreal]

The Blue-Haired Minnie Mouse/ Purple Hoodie Guy

September 14, 2020 (6 months after Hellish pandemic break loose)

The situation is not getting any better in the Philippines. Everything is just being a huge joke here and we’re not actually getting proper response from the high ranking officials. Hence, I cannot help but feel quite hopeless with the situation. Also, the toxicity of my fandom has been getting to me at one point in time. So I have decided to go away for a bit, and go back to what soothes me at hard times, Music.

Truth be told, I liked his former band’s music, but I’m not in to the point that I will be stanning them as hard as I am doing right now. (I’m really not into KPOP except for Blackpink so I don’t have much reference... And I usually like ballad and relaxing songs.) I didn’t have the time to watch series then because I was too busy in my former job. Also, I have been into writing way before, so I would be satisfied with listening to their music from time to time.

However, by the time that I have fallen in love with their band, 9by9th, I found out that their “End Route” means the end already, no more renewal of contract of 1 year. I was quite devastated with the news and I kinda took it hard and tried to go fan girl over series instead. *SOBS*

(9x9th members: L-R: Thanapob, Ryu, Captain, Porsche ^^, JameyJames, Third, Jackie, Jaylerr, IceParis)

When Trinity debuted, I was really focused on Third and I can remember that I cried over their MV (Hater’s Got Nothing) because I thought that Third will be able to continue with what he’s passionate about. (Third is originally from Kamikaze group but the company disbanded, and his second group is 9x9th but disbanded as well after one year). I kind of followed them for a bit but then I started managing Philippine Fan club bases of my favorite series, with everything that happened, I got too busy... but all I can remember then was the old me crying because I cannot buy the merchandise from before. (Quite a noob then and I didn’t know about pasabuys and stuff.. so yeah). T_T.

(Trinity members: L-R: Jackie, Porsche <3, JMJ, Third)

Before hell broke lose in the whole world, I had the opportunity to go back to Thailand for the second time and I met those artists that I am following. I actually wanted to meet Trinity but there was no opportunity for me to do so because I didn’t even check their schedule then and I think there wasn’t any update regarding their work, so yeah... T_T. (Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed my stay in Bangkok)

So yeah.. After probably taking in shit from the govt for about 7 months already, and toxicity from something that I really used to enjoy and made me smile, I started to distance myself for a bit because what I really need now is not stress, but something that will probably lift up my mood. So what I did was to stress myself even further... watch mystery series that will probably make your head burst into thinking... so in the end, I actually stopped watching BL series and stumbled into their first series together as 9x9 boys, In Family We Trust.

So an excerpt from Wikipedia says,

The Jiraanan family is a wealthy ethnic Chinese business family, whose extended family spans three generations. Grandfather (A-gong) and Grandmother (A-ma) have four children. Prasoet, the eldest son, heads the family business, Jirananta Hotel, and manages its main Bangkok location, while Phatson, the only daughter, manages its Pattaya branch. Met, the second son, is a single stay-at-home parent, while the youngest son Konkan lives a playboy lifestyle. Among them (and a deceased fifth sibling), they have nine third-generation children. The family members seem to get along well as they celebrate A-gong's birthday, but when he dies of old age shortly after, and his will is revealed to exclude Phatson from inheritance of the hotel, she gets into an argument with Prasoet regarding its management. Prasoet is then found dead from a gunshot in his bedroom, and Phatson becomes a prime suspect. Prasoet's wife Chris also becomes suspected when it is revealed that Prasoet had been seeing a mistress for twenty years. The grandchildren, especially Prasoet and Chris's son Pete and Phatson's eldest son Yi, become involved as each family tries to prove their innocence and uncover the mystery of the case.

This was the first time that I started to look at him. Porsche played the character of Kuaitiao, the orphaned grandson who lived with Grandpa and Grandma. Kuaitiao is actually an art student here and he’s passionate about his drawings.

What probably captured my attention is his ability to lighten up the mood around him. Even at awkward situations he was able to make me laugh. And probably the fact that he’s close to his grandma and a sweet grandchild even if he’s an adopted one. It kinda got into me. I’ll be honest. There was a scene where Grandma wouldn’t eat, and he pretended to be angry and did not eat as well. I found it cute and smiled at first, but after few moments, I was sobbing already. He made me miss my grandma who passed away last July 15.

Over all, I loved his acting here. Rating 4.5/5

(But please, don’t make him cry because I’ll end up crying as well).

(He’s such a precious person guys, pleaseeeee... make him smile a lot, okay?)

So, of course, once you’re interested in your new bias wrecker’s work, you’re going to check his latest and previous works, right? So what I did next is watched their latest series (still with 9x9 boys, but this time, it was 7/9 only. I just found out that Thanapob cannot join the series anymore because he’s busy filming another series and Ryu is actually an actor of another channel. Hence, his few appearances as Macao in In Family We Trust) entitled as, Great Men Academy.

(Great Men Academy Cast: Porsche as P’Good <3, Third as Nuclear, JameyJames as Love, Jackie as Menn, Captain as Sean, Jaylerr as Tangmo, and IceParis as Vier)

The excerpt of the story is as stated below,

Love (Chanyapuk Numprasop) has always been a fan of the popular guy Vier (Paris Intarakomalyasut) of the famous all boys high school Great Men Academy, but she has never had the chance to meet him. One day, she sees the mystical unicorn rumored to fulfill wishes and wished for her love for Vier to get a chance.

Unfortunately, the unicorn interpreted her wishes in a different way and Love wakes up to find herself in a male's body. She is able to switch between genders under the condition that she must return as a girl before midnight each night. Love attends Great Men Academy as a guy, and works through the complications of winning Vier's heart and meeting new people while trying to keep her identity a secret.

I actually fell in love with P’Good’s character here because he’s such a stern but doting brother. Good is kinda strict when it comes to Love at first because he has to be strong for their whole family because his dad passed away. He’s a very smart guy, yet clumsy fellow. He can also be shy when it comes to Me. (His crush in the series. Why can’t it be “me” instead? Just kidding).

Over all, I loved how he brought to life my favorite glasses ikemen on this series. He made me cry with the way he handled the vulnerability of his sister, Love. His acting for me in this series is a complete 5.0/5.0! *For the love of Good, Please?*

I rest my case. I’m dying again of spazzing to Phi Good. (Okay. I have a huge crush on this character. The character, okay?!) hahaha

Wait... let me breathe for just a bit... *hyperventilates in Good’s name*

Then after watching the said series, I started to rewatch their Elements MV. And that got me hooked. I noticed his talent in rapping, singing and dancing that I wouldn’t have normally seen in the first place because I have a bias of my own before.

It’s like the more that I watch him, the more I fall for this person (in terms of being a fan of his). I kind of accepted that he’s my bias on Trinity now when I saw this video. (ปาว ปาว (Shout) – V.R.P kamikaze)

I’ve been reading articles about him when I came across the interview of Bangkok Post with Third and Porsche regarding their new work. (being 9x9th members and In Family We Trust). I found out that Porsche was actually a member of VRP of Kamikaze and I watched all his previous work. So when I saw the video Paw Paw/ (Shout), I burst into laughter. I knew from that time that he’s such a funny guy and he’s giving me positive vibes.

As I continued watching, I saw him with a Minnie mouse headband, and I lost it... I laughed a lot, which I rarely do these days. So by then, I wasn’t able to help it, I started to love this kid more.

I continued to watch all the showcases, the fancams, the v-live videos, the vlogs about him and goodness gracious, I am really swoon. This kid is such an interesting person and I really regret not knowing him right away.

As I get to know him, the more I admire him. I mean... for real, it’s even funny knowing his quirks. Like he likes to draw stuff, he likes to play the piano, he loves Anime and his favorite anime is Hitman Reborn! (I wonder if he likes Hibari Kyoya too). Anyway aside from his talent, another selling factor of him to me is his positivity towards life.

“Don't worry na krub, all TWILIGHT. No matter what will happen in the future or the situation, we are always TRINITY and we will do better than before krub.” #XXSIVK #PorscheSivakorn 

His positivity and his ambition would inspire you to do well and go on no matter how difficult things may be.

Thank you Porsche, you are indeed a good source of a breather in my life. Things have been quite difficult in the Philippines and no matter how much I wanted to take a vacation now, I can’t. Your music makes me smile a lot and at times, I forget my worries when I watch you dance. It’s like watching someone you idolize do what they love to do and give it all with passion makes you motivated as well and keeps you going.

Truth be told, you remind me of one of my favorite persons. He used to be brimming with life. But covid made things difficult for him... well it made things difficult for everyone. I really hope he gets his footing soon.

PS. I might not be able to get to know you in person in this life, but I really wish you success. I will always be watching from afar. :)

I’ll be waiting for your come back again. Thanks a bunch XX :)

[sanguinarius-archive]

im not that familiar with treatsforbeats i watched like. a few videos but other than that i know nothing! but i would be glad to hear you info dump!

there is SO MUCH..... im gonna put a read more below because this turned out to be way longer than i expected. but you asked for me to infodump so here goes

okay so. treatsforbeasts, i dont know what the whole meaning behind the channel is. i cant specifically say what the goal of the channel’s content is because its all in my interpretation. but i do know that there are meanings behind each video as silly as it may seem and im just gonna list them off here (note that not all videos will be included since i may not be able to interpret every one, also this is going from earliest to most recent)

1. men with small hands carry very little treats to give to little girls with the sharpest little teethinterpretation of this video is csa/child sex trafficking. “little treats” refers to pills or some form of drug (small, makes u trip). however the “sharpest little teeth” could represent the little girl fighting back.

2. mom ordered ants for my birthdaychild abuse. mother forces son to watch and/or possibly engage in inappropriate activity with her husband.

3. i love jesusobviously a dark parody of christianity/catholicism. shows how blindly some fanatical christians/catholics will follow their beliefs, to the point where they no longer truly “follow” it as theyve warped the message to fit their own morbid desires (using christianity/the bible to excuse hatred and judgment upon others).

4. i me you love godanother dark parody of christianity/catholicism. i believe it mocks how fanatical christians/catholics focus only on the negative aspects of the bible instead of learning the true messages, as many of the words used are from the bible and are negative words.

5. behdsPROBABLY just a silly video but, i think it represents how people let negativity embed itself into their lives and complain about it even though it’s so easy to just let go of it.

6. jaffreymocking some sitcoms for how dumb and repetitive they can be.

7. kiss papa’s mustachepossibly child abuse, again.

8. storytimereferences/implies child abuse. storytime is also the name of one of treatsforbeasts’ songs on his Sanguinarius - Sin Nomine album.

9. hymns for him (1 + 2)just total parody albums of christian rock. vocals make you feel like youre dying but its actually kinda good to listen to in some parts

10. i screaming inside my headRoii (the character)’s first appearance. also probably symbolizes how depressing some kinds of music are

11. felines have nine livesnot sure but i feel like this is a warrior cats reference, in complete and total honesty (dont watch it if you dont like c/at d/eath though, its fictional but. yeah)

12. beastsreflection of society as a whole

then there’s. the two short films and sin nomine. so i’m gonna delve into that now and be warned, it’s fuckin long

treatsforbeasts is the self-titled short film and the first longest video on the treatsforbeasts channel. basically what i get from this is that treatsforbeasts, the channel itself, symbolizes an actual channel that chauncy (the child character in the short film, who is portrayed as a literal oral fleshlight with a body) watches. he consumes these concepts, such as internalizing misogyny (claw-paw skit), toxic masculinity (can i like balloons skit) and being exposed to a normalization of christianity (heaven and hell skit). there’s also a skit in which a spider binge eats and then proceeds to throw it up, which chauncy actually mimicks when his father brings him food.his father very much disapproves of these messages being shown on tv. he tells chauncy in regards to the claw-paw skit, when chauncy belittles the female character, “that’s not very nice, now is it”, and says “you can like ballons, you can love balloons if you want to”. his father goes on long tangents about how many institutions have normalized and inherited the concepts of christianity, and that it is one of the contributing factors of violence in the world. he references colonization, the holocaust, and in general mentions minorities.we learn that the father actually ended up being a father to chauncy in the first place due to (nsfw tw) masturbating in a sock to a picture of robert smith, and 9 months later chauncy was born. so technically there is no mother. the father talks about the meaning of life, and how everyone on the inside is a little bit of a freak, but there’s only two real ways you can accept that: 1) realize that your freakishness gives you a special lense through with you see the world and aid it in the ways the sane and happy ones probably cant, and 2) realize that real way number 1 is just lying to itself and that youre still a somewhat integral part of the lives of those you care for so deeply. he says that choosing which way to live really reverts back to the meaning of life, that you cannot live day by day believing there’s no reason to. “but whatever reason you give yourself to live, [...] you do it, because it is correct to live.”

sin nomine comes after the first short film, but i’ll delve into that after because really it touches on many many of the points and interpretations here.

the second short film, the beast is dead, was released just this year on valentines day! i think the main focus of the short film ranges from relationships to just once again a mockery of christianity/catholicism. once again it starts off with a father and his son. there is no mother figure present though she’s said to have left, due to the father watching too much “birdies”, a show, which i think is a metaphor for porn addiction. the father is implied to being prone to neglecting the son’s wants and not really caring for him, being disappointed in him, etc. etc..something important about the beast is dead is that it uses masks to portray those who are “followers” and those who are not. the father, interestingly enough, does not wear a mask. he seems to acknowledge what his son is saying when he goes on philosophical rants as well, but disregards them as nonsense and ends up leaving after bonking him with the stupid spike (metaphor for how parents will shut their children up by giving them a phone or toy to play with).the three other characters who don’t use masks in the beast is dead are Roii, Tom, and Doctor Zoughth (pronounced Zoth). Roii makes a comeback, finally! but this time he’s singing a song called “i love the sound of screaming babies”. it symbolizes how men will impregnate women and then run off, whether or not because they fantasize about pregnant women. it could also be a want of seeing a hurt child (hence the line “i know that all of you watching must think i’m insane, for loving when something so innocent is in so much pain”).however another interesting factor is that, the characters who don’t have masks, aside from Tom and the father, have red eyes at some point. this is a metaphor for how they’ve lost their humanity. Roii, at some point in the music video scene, only has one red eye whereas his other is normal. this hints at how part of him has lost his humanity while the other is still in tact.the other character that has red eyes is Dr Zoughth, but instead of him having only one red eye, both his eyes are red. this doesnt show until later though when he’s taken Tom away from the masked characters (followers). Dr Zoughth is very much self-aware. he is not blind, but simply has lost his humanity. Tom tries to reach out to him, to get him to think differently, that maybe resorting to coping with emotional struggles by worshipping something simple like flesh or something more higher than himself and forgetting his own mortality isn’t the healthiest way to live. but Dr Zoughth, having been long gone already, does not accept this and executes Tom.his own personal disciples grow tired of his tyranny and kill him and perform a ritual of some kind, disposing of his body (in the river i think, not sure). this entire ending of the film is basically the title, the beast is dead. but, i believe the beast is not dead, personally, because someone like Zoughth will always live on in other people, other beasts.there’s also a scene called grandma hespar and i think it implies how little people focus on sexual abuse towards men (when it’s from women).

anyways, with that being said, it’s time for sin nomine.

so now that i’ve explained pretty much all of treatsforbeasts to you, and whoever else is reading, it’s clear that the person behind this has issues with christianity (or catholicism), and child abuse. the person behind treatsforbeasts is Jordan Diniz, as he is also the person behind sanguinarius.

sin nomine is a very personal reflection of jordan’s life from what i gather. it depicts his struggles with how he views the world around him, whether that be due to personal experiences or not. at first i interpreted most of sin nomine to be the story of someone who is lgbt, but with jordan himself coming to me and telling me he is straight (POLITELY), it’s clear that is not the case.

so it most likely has to do with trauma. either religious or not, or both. it even says in the song storytime (remember i mentioned it earlier?), “fast hand, white hot trauma, reverberates inside the skull. innocence and intellect raped, reveals a view of a darker world. flesh on flesh, the bonds of affection - confused for the bonds of submission and fear. self-hatred and mistrust repel all beauty that comes near.” i don’t like to say that this solidifies a personal experience, but it’s highly possible.

a lot of sin nomine kind of goes over the same points in different ways, but it makes you think. i definitely feel like something happened to jordan at some point in his life but that is his story and it’s not my place to truly tell, since i don’t know him personally.

there’s also the other channel, adrianturcher. it has videos with seemingly no real purpose except for there being two videos with the same names of two songs on sin nomine, “nex memoria” and “a fetish for psychos”. nex memoria is just a compilation of clips that seem to symbolize the process of death (nex memoria is a latin phrase which very roughly translates to “memory’s death”). a fetish for psychos is a bunch of old clips from parties and shows that possibly jordan himself attended. they’re from 2002 judging by the date in the video. the lyrics in the song “a fetish for psychos” also seem to hint at these events, so it’s possibly that it’s like looking back on happy memories that make you feel sad instead or something. the song also might possibly reference a mother at the beginning.

sanguinarius also has its own channel simply called sanguinarius. there’s the music video for divine comedy (one of the songs on sin nomine) and a cover of because you’re young by david bowie, posted on his birthday a year after his death.

anyway, that’s. pretty much all i have to say. jordan diniz is a fuckin’ mastermind, he’s really good and cool and he’s very kind from my experience talking with him a couple times. he supports the gays as well!

sooooo, treatsforbeasts does have some very creepy/unsettling moments in its content but its EXTREMELY good and i recommend getting into it if you can. 100/10

[crossbows-and-moonshine]

Such a Softer Sin (chapter one)

I know you all probably hate me since I’ve not been updating my other fics, but my muses have been all over the place. This one came to me, I had to write it.

It was supposed to be something short and sweet, I had planned for it to be around five chapters. But the boys had other ideas and decided they wanted more attention, so it’s ended up being a lot longer. And I mean a lot longer! :’)

The good news is that I’ve actually finished this fic which means you won't have to wait so long between chapters because they're all written. This is a first for me, I’ve never completed a fic before so yay me! :’) I’m using my own experience for Lila and her grandfather, I went through this with my grandma, so all of this is personal experience and some of it was very hard to write.

This is set pre BDS.

The title of this fic comes from lyrics, I caught fire- the used. One of my fav bands ever. I was listening to the song when this idea hit me.

‘So kiss me like you did,

My heart stopped beating,

Such a softer sin.’

Also, my Daryl Dixon muse is back and I’ve currently got 5 Daryl fics in the works. I know, 5, it's ridiculous, but he won’t leave me alone. So if you’re interested in a multi chapter Daryl fic (or five loool) then keep your eyes peeled. I’m trying to get at least 15 chapters for each of them before I start posting so that you aren't kept waiting like you have been with my others!

---------------------------------

Thunder boomed in the sky as the metaphorical heavens opened, the sky alight with flashes of lightning every so often. Lila ran as fast as her legs could carry her, her clothes stuck to her like a second skin. Of course she would get caught in this weather, she didn't know why she was so surprised at her misfortune when her whole life had been a shit show. Her first day back in Boston and she was already hating being here. She stood huddled under a shops tarp as she tried to figure out where to go next, her arms wrapped around herself like a protective shield from the rain. Her black t shirt and jeans were soaked through and felt uncomfortable, like she was wrapped in a blanket made of ice.

Lila had moved to Boston with her grandfather. She had been his live in help and carer for the past year since his dementia and lung cancer had took a turn for the worst. So when the man said he wanted to go back to Boston, she didn't feel like she could say no, and she had no intentions of not coming with him. She herself was born in Boston, her grandad was Irish and the Irish community here in Southie was booming. She was raised here by her parents, but when she was 10, her mother and grandfather decided to move to New York after her father was murdered. He was caught in the crosshairs of a mafia war, just an innocent bystander that was collateral damage. And as a result, she was left fatherless and heartbroken. She never wanted to set foot back in Boston after that, she wasn't stupid enough to think the mafia weren't still running things here despite the 11 years that had gone by. But her grandfather really wanted to come back here, the closest to home he could get since he couldn't travel. He knew he didn't have too long left, and she couldn't really deny him what was essentially his dying wish.

When they arrived, the small apartment they’d rented wasn't what she’d expected. She wasn't exactly well off and didn’t have some fancy ass place back in New York, but this was ridiculous. The whole thing was like one big room, the only private bit being the bathroom that had nothing but a toilet and a sink. There wasn't even a shower. And then there had been the search for a part time job that she had undertaken as soon as they unpacked. She didn't want to leave her grandfather at all, but he couldn't work and she needed to earn at least some money in order for them to live. But it seemed no one was fucking hiring. Either that or no one wanted to hire her. And now, on her way back home, she was caught in a storm, and she fucking hated them. Loud noises as always scared her, sending her back to being a 10 year old girl and hearing the gunshot from the car as her dad was shot, walking back to the car from paying for gas.

She was soaked, cold and scared and she needed to get inside somewhere to wait for the rain to calm down. She hadn't expected the storm, if she did she would have worn a fucking coat. Her red wavy hair that she had inherited from her mother was luckily up in a messy bun, bar a few tendrils that framed her face, lest it clung to her head and make her look like a drowned rat. She really fucking hated storms. She saw a sign across the road for a pub and she made a mad dash for it. It would be warm inside at least, and it was an Irish bar. She always felt at home there, her mother worked in one back when they lived here and then worked at another in New York. She pushed open the door and the warmth enveloped her, making her sigh with relief. She moved to sit in a booth and closed her eyes. She didn't even realise she was shivering, her clothes still wet and cold and the hair that fell around her face was dripping onto her. The warm air in the pub could only do so much to warm her whilst she was still wearing them and piss wet through.

She sniffled a little and hoped to God she wouldn't come down with a cold from being caught in the rain. She seemed to get sick at every fucking chance and it made her life that much harder. She was in her own world when a blanket was suddenly draped around her and a shot of whiskey placed in front of her, she looked up shocked only to find a pair of piercing blue eyes looking at her.

“Ye looked cold love.” The man said with a boyish smile, looking almost innocent despite his smoldering looks. She blinked at him for a minute like the cold had made her brain malfunction a little. He had dark brown hair and was dressed in a black t shirt that stretched across his broad shoulders and a pair of jeans, almost mirroring what she herself was wearing.

“Uh...thanks.” She replied, still looking a little confused. Since her life was mainly looking after her grandfather now, she had almost forgot just how it was to be in an Irish pub. The people in New York were so closed off, the opposite to how they were in this little Irish community here in Southie. He chuckled a little and shifted on his feet, looking like he wanted to sit in the booth with her but was fighting against the urge. Maybe he was waiting for her to offer, not wanting to just impose himself on her, but she couldn't find it in herself to ask him to, she wasn't really in the mood for company.

She wasn't really sure what to say, she was cold and miserable at her failure to get a job and she was worried about her grandad being back home alone whilst she was caught out in the storm. When she didn't say anything else, the man gave her a nod with a small smile before returning to sit at the bar, next to a guy wearing the same clothes but with dark blonde hair. The blonde was looking at her and he looked almost concerned and she wasn't sure why it unsettled her. She turned away from them and downed her shot, welcoming the warmth that spread through her body as she did. The men kept looking at her every so often as they spoke in hushed tones but she ignored it. If she learned anything from coming from an Irish family and having a mother that worked in Irish pubs, it was that they looked out for each other, it was one of the reasons she chose to come inside here to get warm and not anywhere else.

A few minutes passed before the barmaid came over, she looked around 40 with dark brown hair with a few grays mixed in. She had a kind face as she came over.

“Can I get ye anythin’? Some food or somethin’?” She asked with a warm smile. Lila wondered just how bad she looked if everyone seemed so concerned about her. She knew she was soaked through and she could feel her body trembling pretty bad, but she hadn’t caught a glimpse of herself and she wasn't sure she wanted to with how everyone was acting.

“I’m okay thank you. I just need to wait for the storm to pass.” She replied with a small smile of her own, but it didn't meet her eyes.

“Do ye need te call anyone? We have a phone ye can use.” The woman offered politely. Lila thought about it, it would be good to check in with her grandad and make sure he was okay.

“Yeah, thanks. I need to check in with my granda.” Despite the fact she was born in Boston, her parents were both Irish born and bred. Lila didn't have an accent yet she still said the same terms the Irish used as a result of her Irish upbringing. The woman could tell she had at least some Irish in her, her hair was a dead giveaway and her pale skin. The woman nodded and led her to the phone behind the bar and Lila followed gratefully, the blanket still wrapped around her.

The phone wasn't exactly private, it was right behind the bar and next to the man who had helped her earlier and his friend. They were both watching her curiously and it was making her slightly uncomfortable as she picked up the receiver and dialed her grandfather's new number. She knew the men wouldn't be able to hear the whole conversation and she hoped the lull of conversation in the bar was enough to drown out her side of it too. After a few rings her grandfather answered.

“Hello?” He asked gruffly, making her grimace a little. Her grandfather was always a lovely man, affectionate and happy. But since his condition got worse he started getting angry, a short fuse. His confusion made him mad and she felt sorry for him. She couldn't even imagine what it would be like to forget things like he did, important things and people.

“Granda? Are you okay?” She asked softly, her hand clutching the receiver tightly. She knew when he sounded like this he was having one of his moments.

“Who the fuck is this?” He barked at her. Her heart squeezed a little, she would never get used to having to deal with this.

“It’s Lila granda, your granddaughter, remember?” She prompted softly, sometimes that was enough to make him remember and snap out of it, but as time went on it was getting harder and harder to do it.

“I don’t have a granddaughter! Are ye takin’ the piss? Who is this?” He growled angrily, making her bow her head and inhale a shaky breath. It didn't matter how many times she went through this, every time he forgot who she was and acted like this towards her, it hurt like hell. She felt tears stinging her eyes and she tried to summon the courage to answer him.

“I just told you granda, it’s Lila. Your daughter Mary’s daughter. I live with you remember? I take care of you.” Her voice wobbled as she spoke, betraying her at how upset she was getting. There was a long silence on the phone and she wondered if he was even still there.

“Aye...Lila...where are ye? Shouldn't be out in a storm lass.” She breathed a sigh of relief and sniffled a little, a mixture of the cold and the pain expanding in her ribcage.

“I got stuck in the rain granda, I’m waiting it out in a pub. I’ll be home soon okay?” She said softly as she wiped her eyes. She knew despite the fact he currently remembered her, once she got home she would have to go through it again. It was never ending and it was getting harder for her to deal with. The 21 year old girl hadn't ever expected to be caring for another person like this, to have to watch them deteriorate before her very eyes. The man had raised her after her father had died, it was killing her to see him like this.

“Alright, be safe gettin’ home Delila.”

“I will granda. Love you.” She wiped her eyes again and bit her lower lip with a sigh.

“Love ye too.” With that, he hung up.

Lila put the phone back and heaved a sigh, she could feel eyes on her and she glanced to her left to see the same two men watching her sympathetically and she fucking knew they had heard her. She looked away feeling weak and pathetic for being such a mess and walked back over to the booth she had been sitting at. Ten minutes later the rain had calmed down enough and she knew she had to go before it picked up again. She stood and folded the blanket neatly, bringing it with her empty shot glass to the bar and handing them to the barmaid from earlier. The woman gave her a warm smile before she slipped out of the door and made her way back to the tiny apartment that she now shared with her grandfather.

[kevindiepart]

St. Vincent - Carriageworks, Sydney - 17/6/2018

I almost feel bad for only going to gigs for big artists. As if I’m not a real concert goer if I don’t support my local scene. Whatever, our next big hitter is St. Vincent!

I hold her as an important figure in expanding what I thought of the musician’s role is as an artist. I first discovered her music as a YouTube suggestion for something else, maybe a 4AD music video. 'Digital Witness - St. Vincent’. Interesting. The lady in the thumbnail had wild curly hair that shot up and outward as if lightning had struck it white with shades of lavender. Curious, I clicked on the link and have been obsessed ever since then.

Starting with her third album 'Strange Mercy’ in 2011, Annie Clark has created new aesthetics for her alter-ego, crafting new costumes, choreography, stage designs, music videos, and visual languages to enhance each album and turn the St. Vincent experience into an event with gravitas and mystery. Though she’s not the first and certainly takes inspiration from glam rockers and pioneers such as David Bowie and Nick Cave, she’s the first artist to make me think about how you can expand upon a single element and adapt it into many forms to provide a journey and elevate your art form. Adding importance and mystery is definitely something I’ve tried to instil into my design and artwork. The next step of the 'MASSEDUCTION' experience was to see her live.

I arrived in Sydney a day early to hang out with the friend I was going to see St. Vincent with. As tourists to the city, we walked in and out of the city all the way into the last night of Vivid. I met some of her friends and we had a wonderful time. It was so much fun that we didn’t really do anything to special to prepare for Sunday night. Lazing around at her grandma’s house, we watched Queer Eye season 2, a lot of Michael Jackson music videos and walked around the neighbourhood until it was time to go. Not the way I would have imagined the day going but it’s how it happened! I had stayed here the night before and it was an interesting experience being in another person’s home. Like Borat in the Jewish bed and breakfast or like the whole film Get Out. We decided to have dinner at home with her nan around 5:30 and made our way to the station around 6. It was odd hearing a grandma talk so vividly with her granddaughter. They would be super sarcastic towards each other and complain about topics in a conversational way super foreign to me. My culture doesn't really foster relationships with parents further from their inherited parental responsibilities and roles. There was little hierarchy to the three of us in that house. For example, my friend's nan didn't hesitate to roast me for a few mistakes I made throughout the weekend. Something that would have remained seated in judgement in an asian family maybe. Very interesting.

We rolled into Redfern station and proceeded took a 10 minute walk towards the Carriageworks. The biting cold made it feel like longer, slowing down our pace. Luckily as we pulled ourselves closer towards the venue it was a relief to find that it would be enclosed. A former trainworks station, the Carriageworks large industrial pillars and bare concrete flooring serendipitously made for an excellent pairing with new-age hipsters awaiting St.Vincent’s cutting pop art performance. Beers, beards, and brickworks.

We had about 45 minutes to pass until the short film that Annie Clark directed for 2017’s 'XXX’ -a horror anthology featuring female only directors- screened as a 'support act’. I bought a drink and chatted with my friend for what felt like 10 minutes until something started. It was the first time I had been able to chat through a wait at a concert. Usually things get dull enough that I have to remark on the background music, so this was great. Put me in a great mood to see St. Vincent.

The short film was titled 'The Birthday Party’ and centres on the moments before a young child’s birthday party in a rich near-future suburban neighbourhood. The main character is the child's mum who discovers that her husband has overdosed on his medication and alcohol and goes through some hijinks trying to remove his body. It was a funny way to watch a short film, standing with a huge crowd fixed to a screen. Seemed Orwellian. It’s shot well and has a great stage design reminiscent of the aesthetic for her latest album. Without stating it outright, the film clues in audiences to the type of society the short film is in from the hair styles, decor, and conversation topics. It’s probably the smartest part of the film. Unfortunately the movie fails to convince the audience of a genuine threat nor terrifying consequences. The mum’s attempts to hide the body are comical and if the husband’s body were to be uncovered, it would be mildly uncomfortable at best to watch the mum try to explain her motivations for moving his body all over the house.

Throughout the movie there’s a party planner that helps to keep the child happy and the party on schedule. She’s posed to be a suspicious character and at one points comes close to uncovering the big secret. I feel like more tension and intrigue could have been created by giving the party planner sinister motivations, revealing that she killed the husband and the wife then uncovers the reason why, maybe pitting her against the party planner. I don’t know. Anything could have been added. I wouldn't mind seeing more from St. Vincent, hopefully this experience will improve future projects! The average short film didn’t take away from the power of her actual performance though.

Monents after the short film ended, the lights went down and the left partition of the curtains pulled back. St. Vincent emerged into the spotlight with the iconic pink latex bodysuit, fluffy armbands, and a microphone clutched in both hands. She seduced the whole crowd with a soul-bearing rendition of 'Marry Me’ backed by string based orchestral redux of the original that stunned the crowd. A man with a black beanie pulled over his head rushed in from the left to pass St. Vincent her guitar as the sing ended. Throughout the set either he or women dressed up in black suits with holes cut out to expose their butts and taped up nipples would step out of the shadows with neon pink heels and hand St. Vincent her guitars. The dominatrix roadies were pretty cool!

After she performed two songs from the first album, the curtains pulled back further and St. Vincent took position in a second station and rocked through two songs from that album. I was super happy she played 'Actor Out of Work’, a thumping mental descent of a song that I was obsessed with when I first discovered her music. I was also ecstatic to hear ‘Birth in Reverse’ in person as I had tried to learn that song for ages on guitar and was finally able to see it done by the pro herself.

After wrapping up one album she moved onto another station until she had run a neat splice of her back catalogue, curtains closing to signal the end of the first part. On returning, St. Vincent changed into a flashy green tights with elastic green arm warmers and proceeded to play her new album in full and in order. From having listened to the album so many times, this last part felt like it went by so fast! It was nice knowing that some of the outliers from the new album would be played such as ‘Slow Disco’, ‘Smoking Section’, and ‘Happy Birthday, Johnny’. These slower pieces showed off her wonderful singing voice and provided nice breaks in the set.

‘It’s not the end’ cried out across the venue, an ironic line to finish the concert on but it was the right one, stripped back of her guitar and backed only by a slow beat and some strings, it was like a veiled message saying that there is always more to come, whether in the now of the concert, or in life. The moments you remember aren’t usually the concert but the in, around, before, and after. Despite waiting four years for this concert, down the line I may only remember the conversations of that weekend, the sights we saw, and the moments alone by myself in a stranger’s home.

After the show ended, my friend and I turned around to leave the venue and a young lady behind us looked at me and said ‘I was looking at you dancing throughout the set and was really impressed! You were really getting into it!’. Things like that are incredible.

Setlist

Marry Me

Now Now

Actor Out of Work

The Strangers

Cruel

Cheerleader

Strange Mercy

Digital Witness

Rattlesnake

Birth in Reverse

Intermission/Costume Change

Hang on Me

Pills

Masseduction

Sugarboy

Los Ageless

Happy Birthday, Johnny

Savior

New York

Fear the Future

Young Lover

Dancing With a Ghost

Slow Disco

Smoking Section

[dancinginodessa]

I’ve been doing this survey on New Year’s Eve for thirteen years, which is HALF MY LIFE, and I need to go sit down now.

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Officiated a wedding, crocheted a shawl, got a joint membership to something with somebody (the New York Botanical Gardens, truly the highest level of commitment before marriage), marched for my beliefs, called my elected officials on a regular basis, got a promotion, genuinely did not give one shit if my dad’s family figured out my sexuality, etc.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My sole New Year’s resolution, as usual, was about how many books I wanted to read. I chose 100. I read 103.

In the new year, I (please hold on to your hats) want to read less, only so I can write more. It’s been a while now since I graduated from the MFA program. I want to go back to the work I was learning to do and keep doing it. That was the point: to keep doing it. 

I always want to learn to be more comfortable with not being in control, which might actually take me the rest of my life, but I might as well start sometime.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, though I know of lovely people who had equally lovely babies! Just, you know, not babies I know very well.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. People got sick but recovered, and I am so grateful for that.

5. What countries did you visit?

I did not leave America for the...fourth year running? It’s a bummer.

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

Money that I am not actively setting on fire, and more room in this apartment.

7. What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 5: my best friend got married. I remember this on account of how I officiated, and also on account of it was one of the loveliest days of my life.

September 9: I had dinner at the American Girl Café, which I will not stop talking about until I am literally dead.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I got a therapist!!! 

9. What was your biggest failure?

I was a real dick to myself. And I’m still very bad at emailing people back in a timely fashion. As far as society is concerned, the latter is a graver sin.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

A bunch of weird bruises and scabs from being too clumsy to live, plus a pretty nasty cold or two. And I guess mental illness more or less constantly. But I think I am okayer now, and was okayer all this year, than I have been for a long time.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

G and I went halvsies on a Nintendo Switch! I’m real bad at Mario Kart 8 Deluxe! But I guess love is being real bad at something in front of someone and not caring.

Also: plane tickets to Cleveland and Chicago, bus tickets home, yarn for my mother’s Christmas shawl, a new phone because that means my dad has inherited my old phone and we can send each other emoji-filled texts now.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Everyone who put up a good fight. The friends who hugged and fed me. G, for riffing off my bad jokes with his own bad jokes for another whole calendar year. My parents, for everything. The McElroy brothers, for making me laugh every time I needed to.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The government? Evangelical Christianity? Lani Sarem? In no particular order?

14. Where did most of your money go?

Transportation to other cities and mental healthcare. Holy hell am I glad that I now see a therapist who does not cost $$$$$.  

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Karen’s wedding!! Seeing Welcome to Night Vale live!! Making things to keep people I love warm!! The 5 Boro Bike Tour!! Switching to a shampoo that makes my dry hair less dry and therefore more acceptable in polite society!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?

“New Rules” by Dua Lipa, no contest.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier. Angrier. More willing to put up a fight.

ii. thinner or fatter? The same, I think, because we can’t afford an animator to redraw my sprite and I guess the series is going to be using this model until further notice.

iii. richer or poorer? Poorer. Woof.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Being honest about what I needed. Wearing a scarf instead of pretending I wasn’t cold. Watching Netflix, because now it’s almost 2018 and I still haven’t seen Stranger Things or Bojack Horseman and the entire zeitgeist has left me behind. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying (about whether I am secretly the most unbearable person alive/about what my face is doing/about spending too much money/about what I should be doing with my life/about whether or not I am literally about to die, which, so far so good), though that is kind of a tall order. 

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I went home and spent December 25th at my grandma’s, where I was very cold and also very happy to be with my family. For Julian calendar Christmas, I think I am going to see family in Connecticut, and I haven’t seen them since I was 12, so this could be great AND/OR very awkward. Say a prayer.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?

Stayed in it. Bought a time-share in it. Built a house in it. 

22. How many one-night stands?

I’ve been having the same one-night stand for two and a half years, am I doing this wrong?

23. What was your favourite TV program?

I watched little to no TV this year, but I did really like the one episode of My Brother, My Brother & Me I saw! If we’re counting Youtube channels, I would like to give an award to Geography Now! for being the glue that bonds my parents and my boyfriend.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Honestly, I don’t think so. 2017 is the year of smoldering resentment. I’m too tired to hate anybody extra.

25. What was the best book you read?

Oh geez. Lincoln in the Bardo was way up there. And Version Control. Also Shrill, and Her Body and Other Parties, and maybe a dozen more, but I’m trying to finish this before midnight (in five hours), so let’s stop there.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

This was not a year in which I listened to much music! That was weird. So I can’t say I really discovered anything; however, I certainly continued to be grateful for Ween.

27. What did you want and get?

A subscription to New York Magazine. Listen, it’s the little things. (Also, a raise.)

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

Thor: Ragnarok is the most profoundly bisexual movie I have ever seen. I would also like to nominate the trailer for A Wrinkle in Time, even though the movie is not out yet. It’s just that the trailer is very important to me.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 26! And my birthday just happened to fall on one of the dates of Welcome to Night Vale’s spring tour, so I went to the Bell House with G. There’s a doofy photo of us on Facebook looking pleased with ourselves on the train, and I treasure it.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I’m getting word that everybody else already submitted “a different president,” so how about...a rug in my living room that isn’t white? Come on, Past Nina. Who did you think you were? That kind of hubris is unbecoming, and we’re all paying the price now.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

“Thanks, I Love Cardigans.”

32. What kept you sane?

Podcasts, crocheting, calling my mom to vent my spleen, and therapy (if you want the literal answer).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Oscar Isaac is a beautiful man, and St. Vincent is my queen.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

[tense, angry silence; in the distance, thunder and a horse’s whinny]

35. Who did you miss?

Everyone. All the time. Especially my parents.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Who did I meet this year? It’s been a decade since January. The new tenants at the office are pretty delightful, and my first bonding activity with my roommate E was going with her and G to the Women’s March. (We three are the best apartment you know.)

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

It’s okay if you aren’t okay.

[fey-and-sudden-and-unholy]

Random Survey 1.

1. Do you have a nice yard? If so, do you spend a lot of time outside in it? If not, where do you go when you want to relax outdoors on nice days?

The new house did come with a yard, yes.  I don’t think the previous owners really knew what to do with it, though, as it’s pretty bare.  I’ve got plans for it, this spring, though!  We’re getting rid of the evergreen that had been planted right next to the garage, because that’s a dumb place to put a tree.  We have a huge side yard, so I want to plant a new one, there.  Maybe a cedar.  I dig cedars. I also want to plant lavender in the back yard, and maybe fox gloves, and put a smol gazebo-thing for a place to sit.  The roomies will have to clean it out a bit, though, as it’s currently full of their puppy’s poo, and I don’t fancy kneeling and digging around in it, when the time comes. 

2. Is there a group of friends that you used to hang out with but no longer do? Why don’t you hang out anymore and how do you feel about them now?

Sure, I’m sure everyone does.  There are friends I knew in school, who just faded away after I was no longer in school.  There were friends who proved toxic, who simply no longer exist to me.  There were friends who came with my husband and predictably (and thus painlessly) disappeared the moment he became my ex-husband.  A lot of people in life are temporary.  Most, in fact. 

3. Do your parents enjoy any of the things that you enjoy? Do you bond over these things?

I inherited about half my taste in music from my dad (classic rock, like the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, etc.), so we bond over that.  Any time I discover a video of someone doing something awesome with a guitar, I’ll share it with him, and he was really impressed with 2Cellos.  Things like that.  When I was a kid, I bonded with my mom over hiking. We used to go to state parks and pick a creek and follow it back into the wilderness for hours, come back wet to the knees and muddy and sometimes vaguely hypothermic.  (Fuck ur namby pamby trails, ok?  City Folk...)  We don’t really bond over anything any more, though.  She’s turned too toxic for me to do anything but keep her at a safe distance.

4. Did you ever say or ask something that you assumed was a neutral subject, but the person you were talking to became offended and you had no idea why?

... Honey, you know what site this is, right..?  

5. What is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating?

I waited with bated breath for both Only Lovers Left Alive and Crimson Peak.  I’m really fond of Tom Hiddleston, so when I heard he was gonna a.) star in a vampire movie with Tilda Fucking Swinton, and b.) do a Gothic Romance directed by Guillermo del Toro, I was completely ecstatic on both counts.  I always get a little “oh yay!” moment when I pick up on the actors/directors I like doing something new, but in those instances in particular I was glued to the screen for any news until they came out.

6. Do you have any ideas for a story or movie you’re planning to write or you’d write if you got the time/had the talent? Please share a synopsis!

Oh dear lord...  So far as stories, there are so many, and I feel protective enough of the ones I’m actually working on to not wanna share a lot.  There’s an Epic Steampunk Fantasy I’ve been working on for like ten years (AKA The Goddamn Novel).  Since I’m giving that one a break until the ideas feel fresh again, I’m also working on one involving The Magic of Writing and a girl inheriting an outrageous fortune and being haunted by her awesome great great aunt, and there’s also faeries.  There’s about a thousand interconnected short stories I wanna do modernizing Changeling legends.  There’s a gothic fantasy about a pair of incestuous half-demon half-siblings who usurp their actually-worse father’s kingdom.  There’s... there’s just a lot I wanna do, ok?

If you want movie ideas, let me show you my book shelf, but god help you if you don’t respect the source material, okok.

7. Do you ever feel like anyone is “out of your league” or does that concept not make any sense to you? What do you do when you’re attracted to someone but find them out of your league?

I don’t think leagues exist.  I mean there are people who are Very Not Suited for one another, and sometimes it’s really obvious they’re not, but...   When I’m interested in someone, all I care about is whether the interest’s mutual.  If it is, then yay!  If it’s not, you lick your wounds and move on, or maybe you at least get a shiny new friend of out of it, which is pretty great, too.  You’ve just gotta talk to them and find out.

8. What is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “That book you’re reading is from my favorite author”)?

Instantly open... eeehhhhnnn *vague hand-wiggle*  I think I’ve got too many trust issues for that, really.  But similar tastes/interests/viewpoints is a big plus.  

9. Do you refer to yourself by any sort of fan nickname (Belieber, Little Monster, etc.)?

I’d classify myself as a phan. (Phantom of the Opera fan)  I don’t think any of my other fandoms actually have cutesy names.  Or, if they do I’m not involved enough with the social aspects of it to know.

10. Do you ever just get lazy and give up on your friendships?

When that’s possible, I think it probably shouldn’t actually be classified as a friendship.  Sounds more like an acquaintance, to me.  At which point, yeah.  

11. Is there a person in your life (maybe barely) that you feel in constant competition with (even just in your imagination)? Maybe you feel they are consistently outshining you.

No.  There are people I admire, and consider sort of role models.  But, as twee as it sounds, the only person I’m ever working to outshine is past!me.

12. If you are single, even if you are normally happily single, are there certain specific things you witness that make you wish you were in a relationship (e.g., people getting engaged)?

I am mostly happy single, but I miss having someone to cuddle with sometimes. So, little intimacies, I guess?  Romantic gestures just for their own sake, especially if the person has paid enough attention to their partner for it to be actually personal and not generic.  Or, people having intimate conversations, where they really obviously click and they’re just excited about each other.  I don’t feel jealous of people who get to do these things, but they do make me feel a little lonely.

13. What sort of situations make you feel most self-conscious or inadequate? Are there any people or places that just make you want to crawl into a hole? If you can’t think of anything specific, can you remember the last time (or any time) you felt this way?

Wasn’t our school system designed around creating instances like this...?

14. Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site?

I like the one I have here.  It’s from a Dorothy Parker poem (one of the ones where she isn’t just trying to be flippant and clever, though I like those, too.)  Over on the only other site I really do much on, I go by sister_midnight, because David Bowie is one of those celebrities who I always kind of felt like was a beloved weird uncle I never actually got to meet. Also I like that song.

15. Are there any cities near you that you’re afraid to go to because of the crime rate or its other bad reputations?

I don’t think I’d want to be in parts of Indy after dark.  But honestly there are plenty of rural places and smaller towns around here I’d say that about, too.

16. If you went to camp as a kid, was it a pleasant experience? Do you think that all kids should be able to go to camp? If you didn’t go to camp, do you feel like you kind of missed out on something?

I got hustled off to Bible Camp, once.  I mostly didn’t bother protesting because it was something to do away from home, and my step-mother never respected me not wanting to go to church, so church-camp was the same sort of thing. It was kind of an alien situation, seeing as I hadn’t actually been Christian for about five years, by that point, but I was also used to it.  Plus, sometimes it’s just interesting what you can learn by letting people think what they want and just standing back and... watching them go.  I learned way more about what they were really like by doing that than by reading the Bible, that’s for certain.

17. Do you grandparents ever judge you or stick their heads in your business? If not, is there someone else in your life you dread seeing because of their unwanted input?

I was half raised by my grandparents after my parents divorced and my Dad moved back home, with me in tow.  They were never Catholic enough to do the church thing often, but by god they were Catholic enough to wanna use judgement and shame as a means of trying to browbeat you into who they thought you should be.  According to my father, the judgement started at conception, actually.  I was an accidental pregnancy, you see, and Grandma only stopped abusing him over it after he pointed out that abortion was always an option.

18. Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)?

I studied faerie lore pretty much non-stop for like five years when I was a teen.

19. Would you ever go on a media fast (i.e., avoiding tv, movies, the internet, and magazines for a certain amount of time, in an attempt to become aware of how media makes you feel)? Do you think that sort of thing would benefit you?

Yeah, and actually I have found it beneficial in the past.  It’s good to take a break and unplug sometimes.

20. Are you happy with where you currently live? If not, what don’t you like about the area and do you plan on leaving?

I love the actual land, where I live.  We have some beautiful countryside, here.  But I don’t like the people, and would love to eventually move someplace more liberal.  I love New England, especially around Boston, and my best friend lives there. (Though I don’t think I’d want to live in the city.)  I’d like to poke at the West Coast, especially around Washington and see how that suits me.  And I adored Ireland, when I visited, so I wouldn’t write that off as an option either.  For now, though, here will do. I’m in a good situation to save up money and plot a permanent escape.

21. If someone told you that we live in a society that hates women, how would you respond?

Seems obvious to me.  Though, I do hold out a certain amount of hope for things to change for the better. We just need to build enough guillotines and put them to good use.

22. When was the last time you were on a boat? Whose boat was it, and what were you doing?

... I honestly can’t remember that last specific time.  o_0  Clearly I should fix this.

23. Have you ever been completely blindsided by a break-up or have you sort of felt all of your relationships deteriorating before they ended? If you would prefer not to answer, what is the last instance you can remember being totally blindsided by news you heard?

No, not really. Generally you can feel things starting to unravel.   

24. Can you remember the last thing you thought and subsequently thought, “wow, I really shouldn’t be thinking that”?

No.  Like Shakespeare said, thought is free.

25. If you ever think about getting married, what are some aspects of the wedding that you would like to see in a non-traditional manner (e.g., a different color dress or “partners” over “husband” and “wife”)?

I don’t do white clothes, wedding dress or otherwise.  As for the rest, if I bothered with a second wedding it would actually be for me, this time, so you can bet it wouldn’t be traditional.  Given that I couldn’t see myself choosing a traditional partner, I don’t imagine they’d mind.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you have a facial expression you seem to pull a lot? What is it? A look that says I don’t feel well or I’m in discomfort and this face :/

Do you always listen to music when you’re online? Nope. I actually haven’t listened to music while doing a survey or while online in quite a long time. I do; however, either have the TV on or I’m listening to a YouTube video.

If so, what are you currently listening to? A YouTube video.

When you can’t sleep, what do you do? Lie down and listen to an ASMR video/videos until I do fall asleep.

Did you like the last book you read? What was it about? Yes, I did. It’s like 530AM and I don’t feel like explaining right now. 

Do you prefer things (Movies, books, etc) that scare you or make you laugh? Laugh, but I do enjoy a good psychological thriller.

Have you ever rubbed your eyes so much you couldn’t see for a while? It made my vision blurry for like a second.

Do you like people more or less when they have similar tastes to you? Why? I mean, it’s cool when you find someone who likes a lot of the same things and you can geek out over stuff together. It’s also cool when someone with different interests shares or introduces me to something I didn’t know about. You can discover new things you might like as well that way.

Do you ever forget how to do really simple things? Like what? Hmm. I can’t think of something at the moment.

What would you change about your current physical appearance if you could? Oh where to start.

Were you born with naturally straight teeth? No.

Do you pull faces at yourself when you look in the mirror? No.

Do you try not to take a lot of medicine or do you take it whenever? I’m on a pain management regimen, so I take it on a schedule, and I also take an anti-depressant.

Do you prefer acoustic or studio versions of songs? It just depends, really.

Do you quote movies often? Any ones in particular? Sometimes.

If you were the opposite gender, what name would you like to be called? My mom has said Jesse.

Do you like the sound of your computer’s keyboard typing? i LOVE the sound of keyboards haha i’m so weird <<< Same. It’s not weird at all, check out ASMR.

If you had to make a superhero secret base somewhere, where would it go? Now why I would tell you?

Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? I couldn’t even tell you the last time I had Skittles, but I liked the regular ones better, well the red ones mostly. Sour stuff irritates my mouth.

What about chocolate or peanut M&M’s? Both. As well the crispy ones and the peanut butter ones.

Your favourite band: Do you prefer their old or new stuff? I don’t have a particular favorite bad,

Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear? The kind I have are obvious if it’s in the right ear or not.

What pattern was on the last pair of socks you wore? Like a checkered black and blue design.

Would you rather have a big house or a big garden? Big house.

Are fireworks illegal to buy where you live? Only the kind that you see at like an amusement park or sports game, ya know the big ones.

When was the last time you felt dizzy? The other day.

Do you have a crush on anyone who’s unattainable? Why are they? Yepppp. Alexander Skarsgård.

Can you talk and work at the same time? Depends.

Do you care more about yourself or more about others? Others.

Do you find it easy to pass the time or do you get really bored? My days are all pretty much the same and sometimes it’s more... in my face I guess how mundane things are and the day just seems to drag and I feel bored with everything, and other days are less so.

Do you like going to museums? Any particular type? Yeah. I like historical stuff. I’d also like to visit the Smithsonian.

Is there anyone you don’t think you’ll ever get over? Who? Sigh.

Are you ever scared of people reading your survey answers? Obviously not. Well, except for people I know in real life, but no one knows about my Tumblr, so.

If you could change your accent, would you? To what? A southern one or a British one.

What time do you usually go to bed at on weekends? I go to bed everyday between 3 and 5.

Does any part of you itch right now? Well now it does, thanks.

How often do you re-watch / re-read things or are you more ‘once only’? It’s weird. I’ll re-watch TV shows and movies, but only read books once. I guess maybe because with TV shows and movies, I don’t have to necessarily pay much attention to it? I don’t know.

What time is it right now? 5:41AM.

Should you be doing something else instead of this? What? Sleeping.

What colour are your eyes? Do you like them? Brown. I wish I had blue or green eyes.

What colour ink do you prefer writing in? Black.

What is your favourite kind of take-away to order? Pizza or Mexican food.

What is your favourite joke? I just love puns and corny stuff.

When was the last time you met someone who shared your first name? I don’t recall. It’s funny cause as a kid I knew a few Stephanie’s and then as an adult I rarely come across any.

Have you inherited any garments from your parents or grandparents? My grandma and grandpa after they passed.

When was the last time you took a picture? What was it of? Yesterday of my pup.

Do you ever watch movies with the subtitles on just for fun? No.

Do you tend to call people by their birth name or a nickname? Birth name. Except for one of my cousins, who I’ve always called by his nickname that all the family calls him, or the ones I have for him.

When was the last time you visited the doctor? Why did you go? This past Thursday. I go every Thursday or every other Thursday for an ongoing thing I’ve been dealing with for almost a year. I’ll be visiting yet another doctor this week for the same issue. Then there’s my pain specialist I see every 2 months.

Fun, fun.

Do you ever wear shoes even though they hurt your feet? That’s not an issue for me.

[iheartsurveys]

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Do you have any bad relationship experiences from your past? Well I haven't been in any "relationships", at least not serious ones where I'm like "hey this is my boyfriend so and so". None of my dating experiences have been bad per se, but they also haven't been great. During they were fine, it's the towards the end/after that is eh. Basically dating in college is a waste of time if you're looking for something mildly serious/not tryna just hook up, and all the boys you talk to are. But they don't seem that way. Yeah idk I'm rambling now Will you ever be with the person you truly want to be with? Celeb crush of the moment is chris Pratt and no, sadly I do not think we will ever be together as he is married and also he's famous and I'm just me Do you have any relationship with the state of California? No What’s something about other people that drives you crazy? When they drive slow. Or walk slow. When they're rude. And loud. What are you doing? This. I was watching YouTube videos trying to stay up until midnight because I thought Harry's single would be out by then but according to twitter it's coming out at 12 pacific time? Ain't nobody got time for that, but also now I'm kind of awake so here I am doing this and I'll probably sleep after What are you wearing? Athletic shorts and a pocket tee Baseball is the best sport hands down…right? I like baseball but the best sport is hockey, duh Do you like chocolate? Loveeeee Like the movie Elf? Yeah it's alright Ok let’s talk travel, do you like to travel? Haven't done toooo much traveling but I'd love to Where have you been? Every state on the east coast between Connecticut and Florida, except for Georgia. Also west va, Ohio, and Arizona. And then Niagara Falls, Toronto and a couple different places in Italy. And technically England but I never left the airport. Next place you want to go? Might be going to Colorado for work in July so that's cool. I'd like to go on a cruise. Also England and California. And back to Florida to go to Disney and universal If you’re quiet what does it mean? It could mean nothing since I'm quiet a lot, depending on who I'm around. Or I could be mad or sad Something that makes you smile? Dogs Do you have trust issues? Yeah a little Do you mind watching chick flicks? Nah I love a good chick flick When’s your birthday? June 13 If you need a hug at 3 in the morning, who do you ask? Well if I'm home I probably wouldn't wake my mom up unless I was feeling ill, so I'd do nothing. And if I'm with friends I guess them? Idk I'm never up at 3 am anyways, even if I'm upset I just go to sleep Do you mind if people just show up at your house unannounced? None of my friends or anyone does that since we don't live in the same towns sooo idk. I hate when people do that trying to sell something Do you enjoy rain? Yes, as long as I don't have to go out in it Are you one of those people who are always tripping over things? Sometimes Would you ever consider taking evening classes in anything? Not right now...when I start my job (start date in July woohoo! Yay for knowing but boo that it takes forever, cons of my field) I won't really have the time Do you have any traits that you obviously inherited from your parents? I'm very similar to my mom, yes. And some like my dad as well Do you like sushi? I've had it like twice, it's eh. Probably haven't tried the right things Have any of your friends gotten engaged recently? Not a close friend but a fb friend just did a week or so ago Would you ever drop everything and go traveling for several months? Ugh I wish What’s your favorite thing from Olive Garden? The salad and breadsticks of course Is there a specific reason you’re not dating the last person you messaged? I'm not interested, she's in a relationship, and she's my bff Do you tend to get paranoid a lot? More like anxious but yes How many bedrooms are there in your house? Technically 4 but one is used as an office Have you ever built a sandcastle? Yes Do you use an instant messenger? If so, what is it? Just iMessage and fb messenger Do you watch reba? No I kind of hate Reba How many more days til your school is out? Not in school Do you listen to the hush sound? I did in high school. I still have some songs on my phone. Wine red was always the jam Do you drink a lot of soda? I cut down a lot but I do drink soda occasionally How do you look right now? I'm okay, my hair is a little cray since I let it air dry Were you taken last year on Valentine’s Day? When am I ever taken Do you remember who you were interested in around this time last year? It's been about a year since I first met Andrew, and I was interested a little bit after meeting him sooo yeah I suppose Would you rather date someone you think is cute, or someone who you think is hot? Either is fine? Or if you're one you can also be the other like how is someone hot but not cute...? Do you go to school currently? Nope When was the last time you cried? Why? Earlier today. I'm so lame I was watching the video of jimmy fallon and the rock at universal or wherever photobombing people at the tonight show ride or whatever while dressed as like mascots of themselves, and the last dude saw the rock mascot and was like whoa the rock my idol since I was 5 and then when he took off the head and the guy realized the rock was actually right there he cried and I cried idk why it was so cute I cry at random things Have you ever thought of killing yourself? No Who was the last person to call you? My mom probably Did you make a best friend in high school? The people that were my best friends in high school I was friends with since middle school. But I don't talk to any of them really anymore, especially since I moved after sophomore year. And I didn't make best friends and my new high school. But I made best friends in college so that's cool You’re currently listening to? Nothing. I have a Mumford & sons song stuck in my head so that. It's The Cave Who are you expecting a call from? No one When will your next kiss take place? Who knows What are you feeling right now? Sleepy Do you have any homework to do? Lol no When was the last time you smiled? Little while ago Do you like anyone? No Are you afraid of roller coasters? Just the super scary ones...like kingda ka at great adventure is one you'll never see me on nope no sir I hate roller coasters like that Do you know any songs that remind you of summer? Sure. Like summer by Calvin Harris. Or shut up and dance because I remember they played that nonstop all summer. What were you doing at 7:00 AM? Sleeping Can you keep a secret? Yes Do Italian/French/Spanish accents turn you on? French accents are eh Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? No Did you speak to your mother today? We speak every day Do you have plans tomorrow? Yep I have some errands to run Were you happy when you woke up today? I was surprised because I slept until like 10:40. It was rainy this morning and I have black out curtains so my room was super dark I didn't even realize it was so late Are you missing someone? A little Where were you at 3:00 AM this morning? It technically hasn't been 3 today yet, but I can tell you I'll be in bed, not listening to sign of the times because a girl has to sleep What’s your favorite coffee shop? Dunkin What’s your opinion on cinnamon rolls?: Loveeee Have you ever taken a bath with someone? No What’s your grandma’s name?: Maternal was Elizabeth, paternal was carol Where is your biological father right now?: I'd assume home Do you have any freckles?: Yep a bunch of random ones Do you like orange juice?: Yes Did you watch the Cosby Show when you were younger?: Sometimes if it was on nick at night Have you ever dated someone as a rebound from your old relationship? No Which of your exes is the best looking? Andrew What would you do if your ex broke down and told you he loved you? I'd say lollll that's weird since weren't like that and haven't spoken in forever You & your last ex, who should hate who? If anyone is hating anyone, I should hate him over him hating me but I don't hate him because while I was upset we dwindled away, it was never super serious or like talks of it being really serious? Idk it was one of those weird in between things Does rebounding really help at all? Can't imagine it would Where did your last ex ask you out? As I've said 1000 times we were never bf/gf...we actually got set up as formal dates through a mutual friend, and before formal weekend we texted and he asked me to grab Starbucks since like just rolling up to formal never meeting is odd. Getting set up is odd too but it was honestly a fun weekend Have you ever seen somebody get arrested? I don't think so Would your parents be okay with you dating someone of another race? Sure Do you like it when friends are comfortable with dropping by unexpectedly? I said before no one does that to me, and I also don't do that to them soooo