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pennylanefics · 2 years

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Amnesia - Danny Wagner

a/n: uh…i’m sorry for this. i listened to “amnesia” by 5sos and my mind just formed this entire idea in 2 hours or so. prepare…

warnings: lots of angst, ends in fluff

All Danny could think of was the last words you said to him.

“I don’t think I can do this, Danny. Going on a year-long tour with only weeks of breaks between the legs, our relationship is going to feel so strained. I need…I need to leave. Leave us behind.”

He watched as tears continuously streamed down your face, your eyeliner smearing around your eyes, lips much fuller than before due to biting and wiping them of the tears that coated the skin.

His mind wandered to the last time you two shared a kiss. The night before. Right before bed, you curled into his chest, but not before leaning up to kiss him sweetly. Little did he know, that would be the last kiss you two shared before you decided to end things.

The following morning was when he was told the news of a world tour, starting in April and ending January of next year. He had the entire schedule of dates, and it was very jam-packed, including other concert appearances here and there.

You weren’t sure you could keep up with the schedule, having him gone for so long and still maintain the same relationship? Things were bound to change, and that terrified you and overtook your emotions and thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Danny. I know this is your job and your passion, but I don’t…”

“It’s okay,” he whispered, trying to hold back his tears. “It’s okay.” You sucked in a breath and walked to the door, grabbing your bag and keys before heading out. As soon as the door shut, the dam in Danny’s eyes broke and he sobbed out loudly.

He tried to move on, he did. But he couldn’t help but think of all the places you went to around Nashville. One day, he drove past the park where he asked you to be his girlfriend. He had to pull over because of the cries that came from his lips.

Two months later, he ran into a friend of yours. She said she had heard what happened and offered her sympathy, but he couldn’t help but ask how you were doing. She mentioned things with you were okay, and you were doing your best to move on.

Hearing your name sent Danny into even deeper despair. He hadn’t heard it in so long, his brothers knowing not to say it around him anymore.

She brought up how you went on a date with someone new and had apparently hit it off with them. This shattered his heart all over again. He tried to make it seem like he was okay, but he wasn’t.

You remained the only thing on his mind ever since you broke up. And for him to find out that you were already seeing other people hurt him. Apparently, you were doing fine. Yet he was still hung up on you. This got his mind thinking.

Did you ever really love him? Was everything you told him a lie, if you could move on so easily? This is what got to him the most.

The guys could tell this was really affecting Danny. He wasn’t himself, constantly thinking about you. If you were happy with your new possible lover, memories you two shared, the feeling of being with you. Everything.

The memory of when he first told you he loved you ran in his head while the guys were rehearsing one day.

—

You were curled up beside Danny around the bonfire. It was a beautiful night for a bonfire, so Josh suggested that everyone come over to have drinks and sit around the fire. The log you were sitting on was uncomfortable, but you were too cozy against Danny’s side.

He listened as you chatted with Josh about some movie, or director, or idea, and all he could think about was how well you hit it off with the guys and how much they liked you and being around you. And he hadn’t really thought much about his next words, they just spilled out.

“I love you,” he whispers in your ear. You freeze and tell Josh to hold on for a moment. You turn to Danny, eyes widened and a small grin on your face.

“You do?” You murmur. He smiles and nods, his eyes falling to his lap where he held your hand in his.

“Yeah, I do.” Your face heats up and you kiss him, getting lost in your own world with Danny.

—

“Danny?” Jake calls out, breaking him from his daze. He looks up at the band standing in front of him, waiting to start the song. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just…” He tapers off. The others offered him a remorseful look, knowing exactly what was going on.

“Let’s take like a ten minute break,” Josh offers, the other two setting their instruments down. Danny stands and rushes out of the room, the other three exchanging a look.

“What should we do?” Sam wonders, sighing. Josh and Jake both shrug, looking towards the door where Danny exited. Sam decided to go look for Danny, wanting to comfort his best friend in any way he could.

Eventually, he found Danny in the lounge room, laying on the couch. He was facing away from the door, so Sam could clearly see his phone, which he was scrolling through. Before making himself known, he saw a familiar face.

You.

Danny was swiping through pictures and videos of you. From ones that you and Danny took together on dates or vacations, or just days spent together, to photos of you by yourself that you had posted to social media, or took specifically to send to him.

“Danny,” Sam finally calls out, startling the tall, curly-haired man. He sits up, locking his phone, though a knowing look appears on Sam’s face. Danny sighs and rubs his face with his hands.

“I miss her so fucking much, dude,” he mumbles. Sam takes a seat next to his friend and throws an arm around his shoulder.

“I know. We can tell. You haven’t been the same since the break-up.”

“How can I be fine? Especially knowing that she’s already going on dates? Two and a half months after breaking up with me? How the fuck can I be okay?” Sam says nothing, letting Danny rant and get his emotions out.

“I often wonder what she’s doing. Like if he’s treating her right, if they cuddle and if she does that super cute thing where she traces shapes with her finger on his bare chest. Or if she ever feels lonely despite having him right there with her, if she misses me,” his voice lowers as he finishes his thought.

“You don’t know for sure if she’s even seeing anybody. (Y/F/N) said she went on a couple dates, you don’t know if any of those dates went anywhere.”

“That’s not it, Sam!” Danny suddenly yells, standing, his friend’s arm falling onto the couch. “It’s the fact that she jumped right back into dating, so fucking quickly! Did she not care for me the way I fucking cared for her?!” Tears flowed from his eyes, his nose beginning to run. Sam had never seen his friend so distraught, and it worried him.

“How can she be fine when I’m still dealing with thinking of her and wishing what we had was never ruined?! All of our memories are still clear in my mind yet she is totally fine with making new ones with some man not even three months after breaking up!” He continues.

Silence hung in the air for a little as Danny tried to control himself.

“Why don’t you go home for the day?” Sam suggests. Danny wipes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. He finally nods, grabbing his phone and slowly walking out of the room. Sam stays put, wiping away a single tear that fell down his cheek, hating how broken his best friend had become.

Danny arrived home not long after leaving, dropping his bags right near the door and slugging to his room. He falls onto his bed and curls up, grabbing the pillow that you used when you slept over, taking a deep breath.

It still smelled like you. This was keeping him grounded.

He held it tightly to his chest, sobbing loudly, his emotions becoming too much for the moment. His tears soaked the pillow, and he hated that they were, but there was no way he was letting it go and losing you, in another way, again.

“Fuck,” he whimpers. “(Y/N), please.” His voice cracks, his breaths becoming short. “Please come back.”

“Danny?” A familiar voice sends Danny into a panic. He thrashes around, becoming so overheated that he had begun to sweat. “Danny?”

What a sweet voice, he thought to himself.

Soft caresses break him out of his sleep, and his eyes fly open.

“Oh my god,” he breathes out.

You sat next to him, a worried expression on your face.

“Danny, are you okay?” You ask. He sits up, reaching out for your hand to see if you were real or not. “You were whimpering my name.”

He looks around the room, realizing he was in his hotel room in Louisiana, where the band was currently at, not his house.

“Baby?” He confirms. You nod, eyes still filled with worry. Suddenly, he grabs you in his arms and holds you as tight as he can to his chest. Your arms wrapped around his bare body, which was sticky from sweat, but you didn’t care.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” he whimpers into your neck. “You’re here, you’re actually here.”

“Danny, what’s going on?” You ask again. Though he says nothing, he just continues to hold you. Finally, though, he sits up, allowing you to move and sit in front of him.

“Wha-what…how, what are you-” he couldn’t finish any sentence. You giggle and caress his cheek, though the smile falls as soon as you take a deeper look in his eyes.

“I was able to take a few days off to travel with you for the next three or four shows, so I flew out to surprise you,” you explain. “Sam said you were taking a nap in the room and gave me the card.”

“So, you’re not going to leave me?” He questions. Your eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

“Did you have a nightmare or something? Please tell me what’s going on, you’re scaring me.” He takes a few deep breaths and sits up, grabbing your hand and holding it tightly.

“I had a dream that you left me because you couldn’t do the year-long, worldwide tour,” he says quietly. If the room hadn’t been silent, you wouldn’t have heard him. But the only sound came from the air conditioning, making the room chilly.

“But after you left, you started dating others and…I can’t imagine…”

“Hey, shh,” you coo, wiping his cheeks to rid the tears. “I’m here.”

“I know, and I-I didn’t know what to do,” he whimpers. “You left me and I felt so lost.”

“I’m not leaving you, Danny. At least not in a relationship-sense,” you confirm, holding his face in your hands. “I hate to ask, but what was the reason I left you in your dream?”

“Fucking twisted nightmare,” he shakes his head. “You said the tour was too long for you to believe that a relationship could be maintained.”

“Oh babe,” you murmur, tangling your hand in his hair. He tries to steady his breathing and as soon as you touch him, he begins to feel much better.

“I would never think that, okay?” You confirm. Danny nods, his eyes meeting yours. They were slightly red due to crying, but he still looked as handsome as ever. “I understand this is your job and I absolutely support you for it. I would never leave you because you go on tour. It’s your life, and I love you so much for it.”

“So you…you’re here to stay?” You smile and nod, kissing his forehead softly. “None of our relationship is a lie?”

“I’m here to stay. You have nothing to worry about, Daniel.” He pulls you back into his arms, right against his chest. You settle into the mattress and his grip tightens just a little bit with each passing second. “And no, none of our relationship is a lie. Everything I have told you, pertaining to how I feel about you, is one thousand percent true.”

He never wanted to let you go now that he had you. But he knew that you’d be leaving him in the coming days to go back home, and that scared him.

“I love you,” he whimpers into your neck, the last of his tears escaping his eyes. You caress his back with one hand and trace random shapes against his chest, eyes closed as sleep takes over you.

“I love you too, Danny. I always will. I’ll always be yours.”

#danny wagner #danny wagner imagines #danny wagner x reader #danny wagner x y/n #danny wagner imagine #greta van fleet #gvf #greta van fleet fanfic #greta van fleet imagines #gvf fanfic #gvf imagines #josh kiszka #jake kiszka #sam kiszka #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

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givemea-dam-break · 4 months

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charlotte sands dropped her debut album everybody say thank you because i’m writing as we speak 😎

#it goes so hard???#biggest flex is that i was a fan before she opened for 5sos #but let’s celebrate because i am cooking up some ideas #givemea-dam-opinion

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jjmaebank · 4 years

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Wildflower 🌼 - JJ Maybank

a/n: yes it’s me, Nikki, back with another 5sos song fic and I'm not mad about it. @aron-pipers-whore inspired me to write this so this one’s for u !! (also ik the flowers r rlly big idk why Tumblr has done this)

I loved this because the whole basis behind the lyrics of this song are parts in the chorus are left out so the listener can actually fill them in with whatever they feel fits best. so here I've filled in the missing lyrics with my interpretation !!

Words: 1.5k

[GIF NOT MINE]

❀

I hear you callin’ out my name I love the sound, I love the taste

❀

You were at a typical beach party with the pogues, the beach was littered with tourons and even some kooks that dared to mingle on the other side of the island. The music was loud, deafening even, but the mood was perfect. You were pretty drunk, but just the right amount thanks to JJ’s mixing skills. You were convinced he’d been a bartender in his previous life; he knew how to concoct the perfect drink that tasted like pure ecstasy but that would have you wishing you’d never taken a sip the next morning. But that was what you were feeling right now, pure ecstasy, and you certainly were not complaining about it.

JJ admired you dancing as he sat in the sand, sipping his beer. He swore his heart would stop every time he saw your hair flip from side to side as you moved your head to the music. He felt butterflies erupt throughout his whole body as he watched you sway your hips, your bare skin glistening in the moonlight. But hearing you call his name? There was only one word to describe it, euphoric.

“JJ! Come dance!” You yelled over the music, sticking your index finger out and motioning for him to come to you.

That was all you had to say, his name, and he would obey. You owned him, and you had no idea. The way his name rolled off your tongue made him swear that if the letters ‘J’ weren't coming from your lips, he didn’t want to hear it. JJ was absolutely mesmerised by you.

You’d hooked up a few times over the summer, every time being after another one of these wild parties, the both of you drunk out of your minds. But you would never mention it afterwards, you'd simply go back to being your normal selves, acting as if it had never even happened.

But after every drunk hook up you had, JJ would long for you more. At first, he thought it was simply a sexual attraction he couldn’t control, but soon enough it became so much more than that. His lust for you was insatiable. You were constantly on his mind, from the moment you left his bed to the moment you fell back in drunkenly. Pretty soon JJ realised what he had for you wasn’t just lust, it was love. He was in love with you.

❀

And I can see it in your face You’ve got a side you can’t explain

❀

You were an enigma. JJ couldn’t figure you out no matter how long he spent trying to decipher your body language, your words, your facial expressions. He was completely in the dark as to whether you reciprocated any sort of feelings towards him. But that was part of what excited him so much about you. You were unreachable, despite the countless times he’d had you.

You had this wild side to you that made you completely unpredictable and he loved it. He’d never had to experience chasing after a girl as they’d usually chase after him, he’d never had to work for it. But with you? It was like a game he had no idea if you were even participating in, and it drove him crazy.

He could see you wanted him from the look in your eyes as you called him over. He knew you were trying to entice him by wearing those low rise shorts and by moving your hips like that. But did you want him the same way he wanted you?

❀

You’re tellin’ me, tellin’ me, tellin’ me you wanna come over You wanna be, wanna be, wanna be, wanna be closer I love it when you wear your hair down over your shoulder ‘Cause I wanna hold ya ‘Cause I know where tonight is going

❀

“So, yours or mine tonight?” You asked, slurring your words, continuing to move in unison with the music.

“It’s gonna have to be yours tonight,” JJ smirked, wrapping his arms around your waist.

You slapped his hands away jokingly, “not quite yet you don’t”

The things you did to this boy. All night he’d been gawking over you, longing to touch you, but you were having your fun teasing him. JJ would even go as far to say tormenting, that’s how bad he wanted you.

You started dancing closer to him, close enough so that your skin was almost touching his. JJ bit his lip as he looked you up and down, exhaling shakily as he tried his hardest not to throw you over his shoulder and carry you to his car just to do it in the backseat. You began to trace your fingers over his biceps causing the hairs on his arms to stick up...but they weren't all that were planning on sticking up that night.

You moved your shoulders side to side as you lowered your body closer to the floor, never breaking eye contact with him. You knew exactly what you were doing. JJ looked down at you, trying so hard not to imagine what else he wished you were doing or else he’d have to cross his legs for the remainder of the night.

“Fuck, (Y/N),” he gasped. You had barely touched him and he was out of breath.

You ran your fingers up your body as you rose up to eye level with him and you saw his eyes widen as you played with the strap of your top. But before he could say anything, you flashed a quick grin before turning around and flipping your hair over your shoulder. You walked away, giving him one quick look over the shoulder before going to sit with Kie who seemed to be lecturing some poor touron on leaving beer cans on the beach.

❀

You’re the only one who makes me feel alive Every time we touch I’ll tell you what I like My wildflower

❀

Later that night, you ended up in bed with JJ as expected. JJ laid there speechless and out of breath, his skin on fire from every where you’d touched him. You seemed so innocent but every time you got intimate with one another you exposed more and more of your wild side. You had made JJ, JJ the notorious player and ladies man, feel things he’d never felt before. You had made him feel more alive than he’d ever felt before.

You had fallen asleep next to him for the first time ever. Usually you or him would leave almost immediately after finishing, despite the countless times JJ had wanted to stay and hold you.

JJ admired your beautiful features as you slept. Your previous erratic self was now at peace, and he revelled in the fact you were lying next to him. He hesitated at first, but he began to trace his fingers across your jawline, moving his finger tips gently up the side of your face and then back down the bridge of your nose, the sound of your exhales putting him in a trance.

JJ leant over your body carefully, making sure not to wake you, and placed a kiss on your lips. It was a long, sensual kiss and much calmer than any the two of you had shared before. JJ almost laughed at the fact that you were asleep and wouldn’t ever know about it; but he wanted you to.

He wanted the two of you to be closer, he wanted to tell you how he felt, but his fear of rejection was too powerful for him to ever reveal it. Having whatever it was you had now was better than not having you at all.

❀

You know you are my favourite fantasy A fatal love song Waterfall is overflowin’

❀

The next day you were all hanging out at the Chateau, telling funny stories about the night before.

“And he just threw his beer can on the sand! I had to tell him off, it’s like...it’s not that hard to care about the environment,” Kie ranted, making you all chuckle a bit.

JJ had hardly been paying attention, he’d been staring at you the whole time, not being able to stop thinking about you. He’d told himself last night that he could never tell you how he felt, how he wanted you to be more than a fantasy. He was scared that confessing his love for you might end in disaster, but seeing you again in a sober state just made his longing for you grow more intense.

He wanted to be able to hold you and kiss you in front of his friends, in front of the world. He wanted to be able to call you his. His love for you had reached breaking point; his fear had acted like a dam, stopping the water from overflowing, and he couldn’t contain it anymore.

The lot of you had decided to go for a boat trip and John B, Kie and Pope were packing up the van, leaving you and JJ in John B’s kitchen, alone.

“I’m gonna go help them load the van,” you smiled at JJ before getting up from your chair.

“Wait...” JJ responded immediately, his heart rate going through the roof.

You stood still and looked down at the blonde haired boy who had grabbed your arm instinctively to stop you from leaving.

“What’s up?” You frowned, you could feel the clamminess of his hands on your arm. He was nervous.

“I have to tell you something...” JJ said, looking up at you.

a/n: tagging some lovely people as I haven’t come up w a full taglist yet : @maybe-maybanks , @baby-bearie , @obx-sos , @drewtruly , @spilledtee , @outerpogues , @languorlust , @thebutterflyonhischest , @poguemacking , @drewstarkey , @outrbank , @drew-starkey , @jjtheangel

#jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank imagine #jj obx #jj x reader #obx #outer banks #outerbanks #outer banks imagine #rudy pankow #rudy pankow x reader #obx netflix #outer banks netflix #obx fic #jj Maybank fic

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neewtmas · 5 months

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12 days of Christmas // A Lockwood & Co Advent Calendar

Masterpost

day 1: Locklyle edit to In Between by Gracie Abrams

day 2: The Letters I Never Sent - Lucy x reader

day 3: Christmas at Portland Row - Cot3

day 4: Lockwood & George edit to Buzzcut Season by Lorde

day 5: The Skull fanart

day 6: Mission for Two - Lockwood x reader

day 7: Cot3 edit to Best Friends by 5SOS

day 8: Cot3 + Holly & Kipps edit to The Kids aren't alright by FOB

day 9: As The Clock Struck 12 - Locklyle Regency AU

day 10: Brother Knows Best - George x reader (collab w @givemea-dam-break)

day 11: Christmas Card Cot3 fanart

day 12: Blurbs tagged as #advent calendar blurbs

#lockwood and co advent calendar #lockwood & co #lockwood and co

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bubmyg · 3 years

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sorry this is a bit random but im a lil confused about ur recent post regarding 5sos? ive followed 5sos since i was a kid but i dont understand how they've been bitter about bts' success, im just curious as to why you think so?

gonna be honest with you im not going to go find source links to video for all the stuff i can think of off the top of my head bc i just dont care that much, none of it is that damming on it’s own it’s just how they (ashton specifically) repeatedly and constantly bring up bts as some sort of weird measure of their (lack of) success also how they consistently and directly enable their notoriously racist fandom to be such towards bts but i digress

#answered #irantoyouwithoutthinking

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jeonjcngkook · 3 years

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HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS MY BABY, I LOVE YOU AND ADORE YOU AND WISH YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST THINGS EVER ILYSM PLS NEVER FORGET OK YOU PRECIOUS BEAN !!!! <3333333

I DONT EVER KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE U RID !!! MY SWEET LITTLE HONEY BEE I LOVE U N OUR BTS 5SOS CHAOTIC BEHAVIOUR AND I JUST WANT U TO KNOW THAT U ARE SO DAM,N IMPORTANT TO ME AND I WOULD BE TOTALLY LOST WITHOUT U <333333 FOREVER AND ALWAYS

#JORDS' 24TH BDAY BASH #jords asks💫

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soldouthazlocks · 4 years

Photo

navigation masterpost

(here you’ll find a complete list of the lock screens that have already been made. if you’d like to request any more, please feel free to do so by sending in an ask!)

IMPORTANT: you may want to like this post before opening so that it saves and you can come back to it! the post is long so sometimes it crashes as you’re scrolling through!

groups

(see below for individual members!)

♡ - one direction

ot5 | ot4

♡ - 5sos

♡ - little mix

♡ - fifth harmony

♡ - blackpink

individuals

♡ - adam driver (x)

♡ - ana de armas (x)

♡ - ally brooke (x)

♡ - ariana grande (x)

♡ - ashe (x)

♡ - ashton irwin (x)

♡ - bebe rexha (x)

♡ - bella hadid (x)

♡ - billie eilish (x)

♡ - benedict cumberbatch (x)

♡ - calum hood (x)

♡ - camila cabello (x)

♡ - chance the rapper (x)

♡ - cody fern (x)

♡ - conan gray (x)

♡ - dakota johnson (x)

♡ - dane dehaan (x)

♡ - dinah jane (x)

♡ - dua lipa (x)

♡ - elle fanning (x)

♡ - ephrata (x)

♡ - gigi hadid (x)

♡ - halsey (x)

♡ - harry styles (x)

♡ - jade thirwall (x)

♡ - jesy nelson (x)

♡ - justin bieber (x)

♡ - kim taehyung (x)

♡ - lana del rey (x)

♡ - lauren jauregui (x)

♡ - leigh-anne pinnock (x)

♡ - lewis capaldi (x)

♡ - liam payne (x)

♡ - logan lerman (x)

♡ - lorde (x)

♡ - louis tomlinson (x)

♡ - luke hemmings (x)

♡ - maisie peters (x)

♡ - michael cimino (x)

♡ - michael clifford (x)

♡ - niall horan (x)

♡ - normani (x)

♡ - olivia o’brien (x)

♡ - perrie edwards (x)

♡ - ruel (x)

♡ - shawn mendes (x)

♡ - sebastian stan (x)

♡ - sydney sweeney (x)

♡ - taylor swift (x)

♡ - taylor zakhar perez (x)

♡ - tove lo (x)

♡ - troye sivan (x)

♡ - zayn malik (x)

♡ - zendaya (x)

movies and television

♡ - friends (x)

♡ - love victor (x)

♡ - harry potter (x)

♡ - outer banks (x)

♡ - the kissing booth (x)

♡ - killing eve (x)

♡ - the great (x)

♡ - marvel movies (x)

bucky barnes | doctor strange | captain america | iron man

ships + pairs

♡ - louis tomlinson + harry styles (x)

♡ - zayn malik + harry styles (x)

♡ - the weeknd + bella hadid (x)

♡ - zayn malik + gigi hadid (x)

♡ - louis tomlinson + zayn malik (x)

by color

♡ - red

♡ - orange

♡ - yellow

♡ - brown

♡ - green

♡ - blue

♡ - purple

♡ - pink

♡ - white

♡ - black

♡ - grey

♡ - rainbow

♡ - b&w

seasons / holidays

♡ - Christmas

extras

♡ - handwriting (x)

♡ - lyrics (x)

♡ - pride (x)

♡ - fanart (x)

requests and things I'm working on right now (x)

*updated March 2021

#navigation #masterpost

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i-like-5sos · 3 years

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I’m gonna do the same thing to you now 😌

* nothing personal - all time low

* take me home - one direction

* debut (5sos) - 5sos

hiiii Kristen <3

Nothing Personal - All Time Low

1. Therapy (how could you not put this as your number one?)

2. Break Your Little Heart (a true classic)

3. a tie between Dammed If I Do Ya (Dammed If I don’t) and Stella (sorry not sorry)

Take Me Home - One Direction (I went with the expanded edition)

1. Magic!!!!!! (Literally my favourite 1D song oml)

2. Heart Attack

3. I Would

Self Titled - 5 Seconds of Summer

1. 18

2. Heartbreak Girl (eat your heart out Calum)

3. Amnesia OR Beside You depending on how I’m feeling at the time

Send me an album and I’ll tell you my top three favourite tracks on it!

#talkfastcal #asks

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jawnjendes · 5 years

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dive into the dark | shawn mendes

chapter 11/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: sry for the delay summertime depression has come with a vengeance lulz have some angsty comfort

***let me know if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist

masterlist | playlist

“There once was a boy named Shawnie, destined to be a star.”

Why was that the last straw? Why was a photo of Stella, Shawn, and Camila dressed as Hogwarts students at a Halloween party the thing to send Annalise spiraling? What about that measly little Instagram post possessed Annalise to text her former shrink at four in the morning?

It’s not like she wanted to go to any of the stupid parties on campus. In the past, she and Patrick would hang out in a cemetery and be with the dead. Yes, she gave in to those goth stereotypes sometimes too. Annalise justified it by claiming she was celebrating Dia de los Muertos. This year, however, she just stayed in the dorm by herself, her own Hogwarts outfit sitting in her closet, making no noise and pretending it doesn’t exist. She was alone long enough for everything to come down on her, and the photo of her friends and not-boyfriend all but broke her to pieces.

So on November first, Annalise found herself in Callie’s office. It wasn’t hard getting herself to go there; Therapy had been a constant in her life for a year, and she missed it. She knew she had things to get off her chest, but it stalled when she was actually sat in front of Callie, who was quite happy to see her.

“It’s been a few months, hasn’t it?” she said, smiling warmly. “Where were we the last time you were here?”

Annalise shrugged. “I had exams going on, and I was picking out classes and a dorm for the next semester.”

“Right. And you’re in between classes now if I remember from your text. So all that went well, I assume?”

“Yeah. Still in school. Still working.”

Callie nodded. She hadn’t written anything on her clipboard yet. “I don’t mean to pry, but I also heard you were in the hospital for a bit?”

“Did Shawn tell you that?” Annalise’s polite tone changed. “He’s always telling everyone my business.”

Surprisingly, Callie wasn’t bothered by the sudden mood change. “I believe you told me over text. We had to pause our sessions because you were in recovery.”

“Oh. Oh yeah. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all snappy.” She went red.

“It’s alright. So, would you like to talk about what happened in the hospital?”

That was all the first session was: hospital talk. Annalise knew this story like the back of her hand, but it was less annoying telling it again because Callie already knew the stuff about the pre-existing health problems. It’s on reason why Annalise started therapy in the first place.

“Now, whenever my mom or dad call me, a majority of the conversation is about what I’m eating,” she explained. “Or what I should be eating. And Shawn constantly reminds me not to skip meals. I know I’m sick, but it gets so annoying sometimes. I know my body, and I know what I’m feeling.”

“Okay, hang on,” Callie said, holding up a hand to stop her. “You refer to yourself as sick?”

Annalise had to think about it. It came out of her mouth, but she never really processed that she was saying it. “Yeah. That’s how my parents always put it since it all started, I guess I picked it up from them.”

“Well, I - and I’m sure plenty of other people - don’t see you as sick. You were in the hospital, you had surgery, and now you’re fine. Ann, if you keep referring to yourself as a sick person, it will have an impact on your mental wellbeing. You are not sick, you have a chronic sickness.”

For some reason, that hit in the very center of Annalise’s chest. If she was cracked from the Instagram photos, then this practically burst the dam. She nodded, processing Callie’s words, but one part stuck out to her.

“I am fine now. It wasn’t a life threatening case, anyway.”

“Well, you did bleed internally after the first surgery,” Callie corrected. “And you had an infection on the incisions after. That’s not nothing. That’s very dangerous, and life threatening.”

“But it wasn’t that bad. They caught it in time, and I don’t even remember what it felt like. Besides, it’s not like I have cancer or anything.” Annalise paused and looked down. “Everything went fine, despite the infections and near death. I’m back to doing what I did before, but I feel… I didn’t die, but it feels like a part of me did.”

Callie now wrote on her clipboard, her pen scribbling being the only sound in the room. Then, she trailed her green eyes over to Annalise. “And it’s okay to feel that way. Putting your life in the hands of anyone, including medical professionals, makes you very vulnerable as it is. Adding surgery to that only adds to the vulnerability, not to mention it is invasive and can be quite traumatizing.”

“Helpless and dependent too,” Annalise added, picking at her nails. “Practically useless.”

“Let’s not say useless, okay? You needed help. You were recovering for surgery, it was for your own wellbeing.”

She shrugged, not exactly agreeing with that statement despite the truth in it. “I just don’t like depending on people.The nurses always pushed me to move on my own without disturbing the incisions, but I could never bring myself to do it. I knew I had to so I could properly heal, but I felt so lazy and weak. I felt like a sack of potatoes, having to be physically moved everywhere.”

There were times Callie would react to things her clients said. This was one of those times. She chuckled and raised her eyebrows. “A sack of potatoes?”

Annalise smiled timidly. “Yeah…”

That settled the homework Annalise was left with. She had to cut the harmful words out of her vocabulary. She was not useless. She was not lazy. She was most certainly not a sack of potatoes.

She felt okay during the session, but as soon as she was back in her car, Annalise felt the weight slam on her chest. As she drove back to campus, she started to remember things that she didn’t even know were in her head. She noticed the difference in a nurse who worked in the day versus the night. One was much perkier than the other. She never saw the same nurse twice during the entire stay. She couldn’t even count the amount of people who lifted up her gown to examine the incisions, much less the people who actually asked if they could expose her like that.

Heart pounding, Annalise moved a shaking hand towards the radio, turning up the volume and letting the sounds of 5SOS soothe her anxious state.

Today wasn’t supposed to be spent alone in the apartment, serenading a cat. Shawn loved Henry to bits and pieces, but this wasn’t the lady he was supposed to be spending time with. He appreciated that she didn’t run when he sang. Or shit all over his romantic gesture. She did shit right next to her litter box, though, and that was annoying to deal with.

“I can’t see one thing wrong between the both of us…” he trailed off, strumming his guitar. Then he sighed; That line didn’t age well.

Henry tilted her round head at the sound of the guitar. It was entertaining to watch, but not enough to make Shawn laugh or even smile. She jumped down from the top of the couch cushion and down to the carpet, stretching her limbs before scurrying over to the condo. Shawn watched her and then let his head fall back to the arm of the couch. He strummed an entirely different song.

“Beggin’ to hear your voice… tell me you love me too…”

He nearly fell off the couch when his phone went off, going from zero to one hundred in less than a second. He was still on the waiting game with both work and the live lounge, and the possibility of either of these places calling him back was enough to make him chuck his guitar across the room. He didn’t, though, he just hastily set it down as he answered the phone call without even looking at the ID.

He really should have. Let’s just say, Shawn was George O’Malley, and the voice on the other line was a fucking bus.

“Shawn?”

“Ann?”

A small pause. Then, she spoke very fast, before Shawn could even process what the fuck was happening. “I know we’re supposed to be fighting or not talking to each other, I know I’m supposed to be mad at you - and I still am - but, uh… I… I’m - can we call a truce? Just for an hour or two?”

He almost said yes in a heartbeat, but he caught himself. “What do you mean by truce? What’ll happen during those hours?”

Ann’s hesitation meant that she knew he was talking about the previous check ins. “It’s not like that. I promise. It’s just… something’s kind of happening, and I don’t think I can deal with it by myself.”

“You need to be more specific. What’s going on?”

“I’m in pain. Physical pain.”

Now it was Shawn’s turn to stay quiet. “Oh…”

Needless to say, Ann came over. For once, she was in sweatpants instead of her pajama bottoms. She also had on a black hoodie with the words “Positive Mental Attitude” on the sleeves. Her long, dark hair was down but very unkempt, and her olive skin was looking paler than normal.

The first thing Shawn did was feel her forehead for a fever. Ann made a small noise at the gesture, her brows furrowing.

“Sorry,” he said, taking his hands away. “I was just checking.”

She sighed as she let herself into the living room. “You remind me of my mother more and more every day. Not even a hello, just straight with the touching and worrying.”

Shawn resisted rolling his eyes. Didn’t she understand he did that because he cares? “How come you didn’t just go straight to the doctor?”

“It’s not excruciating,” she replied. “It’s bothersome, and it’s definitely there. But it’s not keeping me from doing anything.”

“Is it the same pain as before? In your abdomen?”

Ann shook her head, growing a little timid. “It’s around my ovaries. Pelvic pain.”

“You period?”

“Already passed. I’ve been feeling this for two days.”

Shawn tried very hard not to flip out. He resisted the urge to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. She’s been in pain for a whole forty eight hours and she hasn’t done anything about it? This is exactly how it happened last time.

“So again,” he said, attempting to sound calm, “why don’t you just go to the doctor? Why are you here of all places?”

Ann had been looking at her hands the entire time. But when she locked her tired eyes with Shawn’s, he knew just how serious and important her next statement was.

“I can’t face the doctor alone.”

“You want me to go with you.” It wasn’t a question. Shawn was just able to pull the words out of her.

“Please?” she asked. “I know things are off right now but you’re the only one I can count on. You’re the only one who’s seen this side of me.”

Shawn would be lying if he said that didn’t tug on his heartstrings. Ann needs him, and she is admitting to that. But one thing stuck out in his mind; She had been asking a lot of him. She asked him for the separation, to be patient with her, and now this.

But it seems like Ann knows how to pull things out of him too. “You said you would make it up to me. This would help.”

Then again, when did she ever ask Shawn for help?

Ann insisted on driving, but Shawn dragged her into his Jeep. She navigated the way to her gyno, bouncing her legs on the way. That was when Shawn noticed that the serious faced, composed-by-nature girl was long gone. When did she lose that part of herself? That fundamental part of who she is seemed to fade away over the last few months, and Shawn was only now catching onto that? No wonder she was so angry at him all the time. It was a cry for help.

“What do you think it is?” he asked her. “The pain?”

“I don’t know. That’s what’s got me kinda worried,” she replied. “I’ve never felt this before. Google said they might be cysts that have to be surgically removed, so I stopped looking.”

Kinda worried? She was scared, scared to the point where she needed someone with her. Meaning, Shawn had to remain calm and collected, despite being worried himself.

“It’s probably nothing major,” he said, still managing to follow the voice from the Maps app on Ann’s phone. “They’ll prescribe you something, and you’ll be fine.”

“That’s what you said last time.”

Shawn took a quick glance at her. She wasn’t exactly wrong. Nothing more was said until Shawn had pulled into the parking lot of the clinic. He shut off the engine and took off his seatbelt, properly turning to face Ann.

“Hey, look at me.”

Slowly, her head turned towards him, like she was hesitating. Shawn wanted to hold her hand or cup her cheek, but it was hard to tell what was allowed her.

“No matter what happens,” he told her, “you will be okay. You will come out of this.”

He stood by her as she spoke to the receptionist. He sat with her in the waiting room as she filled out three different forms on a clipboard. Shawn wondered how she wasn’t confused by any of the questions; He always needed his mom or dad with him at any appointment to help him.

The wait wasn’t long once Ann turned in the paperwork. A nurse called her back, and Ann gestured for Shawn to follow.

“How are you, Ms. Flores?” the nurse asked as she led them down a blank, white corridor.

“Swell,” she replied in a way that did not sound swell.

“Right in here.” She turned the corner and gestured to a small room. “We’re just going to take a little bit of blood. The physician will be right with you.”

Ann silently went and sat in the big chair next to the counter with all the blood taking tools. She sat back like it was second nature. Shawn merely stood against the back wall, unsure of what to do with himself. This room was clearly made for two people, and he wasn’t supposed to be one of them.

Finally, a woman in a white lab coat entered the room, putting on a pair of latex gloves. She smiled warmly. “Let’s get this show on the road! Now which one of you is Annalise Marie Flores?”

“I don’t have a middle name,” Ann told her, very much not on the same level as the perky medic.

She pointed at her. “That was a test to verify your name, and you passed! Now I just need you to verify your date of birth!”

“Twelve. Twenty seven. Ninety seven.” Still not amused, but Shawn was. The two different energies was almost comical.

The physician approached the counter as she got her tubes and needle ready as she continued speaking. “A fellow Capricorn. That’s the best sign. Except I was born on Christmas Eve so my birthday was always overlooked.”

Ann only nodded, visibly disinterested.

“So, which arm are you gonna let me poke?” the physician asked.

“Whichever has the best vein,” she simply replied.

It was like a script Ann had memorized. How many times had she done this in the past?

Shawn looked at the floor as soon as Ann was stuck with the needle. It was a good minute of listening to the physician hum to herself before she finally acknowledged Shawn.

“Here for moral support?”

“Pretty much,” he replied, keeping his eyes on his boots. “She asked me to come, I couldn’t say no.”

“Friendship goals, right there.”

He smiled, despite the pang of annoyance that struck his chest. Was the rift between them that obvious?

“Alright, let’s get a look at your battle wound.” She wrapped up Ann’s arm in cotton and gauze. “So, your results will be ready in a few minutes, and I’ll be back to go over them and see where to go from there!”

“Okay,” was all Ann had to say.

“Thank you,” Shawn told the lady before she left.

Ann let her head fall back against the chair as soon as they were alone. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes. “I liked that lady, she was cool.”

Shawn chuckled. “Yeah, you guys acted like such best friends.”

“Well, at least she knows Capricorns are superior.”

“You act like you’ve never met a Leo.”

For the first time today, Ann cracked a smile. She opened her eyes and looked at him. “I know your act of having your shit together is exactly that.”

Maybe astrology wasn’t all bullshit. Shawn wanted to say something to prove her wrong, but then he would be proving her point at the same time.

“Yeah, well…” he trailed off, making Ann grin even wider.

It was good to see that, so he let it slide.

Another few minutes went by and a different woman in a lab coat entered the room. It was a lady in her 30s, blonde hair, kind but professional face. Her presence made Ann visibly perk up.

“Hello, Ms. Flores,” the doctor said with a smile. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”

"Dr. Pacini," Ann greeted. "I didn't think you would be here, I kind of came at the last minute."

"Well, I heard you were here, and I had a look at your blood test results." She stopped herself and placed her hands on her hips, acknowledging Shawn. "Is this the boyfriend you told me about?"

Ann nodded silently.

"Hi," Shawn greeted, holding his hand out. He couldn't ignore the tiny jump his heart did hearing that Ann talked about him.

"Nice to meet you," Dr. Pacini said, shaking his hand. Then she turned back to Ann. "So it's okay that he's in here while we discuss your results?"

"Yeah, absolutely."

The blood test showed that Ann's hormones were completely unbalanced, and apparently that wasn’t anything new. She was very high in testosterone, and that was when Shawn learned that women could actually produce that hormone. What was news to Ann was that she was also anemic and low in potassium. Then they discussed her irregular menstrual cycle (another thing Shawn didn’t know about), and more personal information was taken in. Ann really wanted Shawn here to witness this? She could barely talk about her day without thinking she was oversharing.

"Were there any changes with your birth control?" Dr. Pacini asked.

"I missed some doses when I was in the hospital," Ann replied, suddenly timid. “And a few doses after I was discharged.”

“How many exactly?”

She looked down and mumbled. “Three months…”

"And that is plenty of time for new cysts to form on your ovaries. So if it's alright with you, I'd like to do a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound."

Shawn knew Ann so well that the split second pause meant that this is what she had been afraid of. He finally stepped towards the chair she was sitting in, silently letting her know he was there.

"It's entirely up to you," Dr. Pacini said, "but I strongly suggest it. It would give us the chance to rule out anything serious."

Ann nodded. "Um… do I have to make another appointment and come back another time?"

"No, we can get it all done today."

"Oh-kay, then."

Dr. Pacini led them out of the room and down the hallway. Ann looked at Shawn as they went, anything but masking composure. He placed his hand on the small of her back as they walked into a different observation room.

“So on a scale of one to ten, how intense is the pain?” Dr. Pacini asked.

“About a six,” Ann replied. “I can function, but I can’t ignore it.”

“Got it. So just strip from the waist down, lie down on the chair, and we’ll get started.”

Ann wanted Shawn to sit closer as she was examined, so he did. The only reason why this was weird was because Ann did not like being this vulnerable in front of anyone, even Shawn. That, and she was still apparently fuming from their last fight, yet something about all of this made her reach out to him in need. He played with her hair as he tried yet again to understand the way her mind works.

Dr. Pacini noticed the tiny gesture. “How long have you two been together?”

Not surprisingly, Ann didn’t say anything. She wouldn’t be the one to say they were together at a time like this, pelvic exam aside.

“One year today,” Shawn answered anyway.

“Well, congratulations.” Dr. Pacini smiled.

Ann looked at him, now distracted from what was going on downstairs. “One year?”

“Yeah. November seventh. Took you on a date to the coffee shop.”

“Didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary like this.”

He knew she meant that in more ways than one. Shawn didn’t think he would be here either, hanging onto the tiny thread Ann had provided. And to think he really thought about the idea of considering ending things permanently… He was a sucker for her.

“Okay, my dear,” Dr. Pacini said, sitting up straight. “Onto the ultrasound.”

“Anything weird down there?” Ann asked with a nervous chuckle.

“I did detect some bumps on your ovaries, so I need to get a better look at what exactly those are.” She held up a long, thin… thing. “Just like the pelvic exam, it’ll be uncomfortable but not painful.”

Shawn chose not to look directly at it for more than a second. He kept his eyes on Ann’s anxious face as the ultrasound began. He had so many questions: Was this her first vaginal ultrasound? How many times has she come to see Dr. Pacini in the past? How long was she on birth control? What reproductive disorder did she have that required her to take birth control? Why did they ever use condoms if she was already on birth control?

It took a bit longer to get the results for the ultrasound, making Ann stay hauntingly quiet as she got dressed again. Shawn really didn’t know what to say that wasn’t any of the questions circling his head. When Dr. Pacini came back with the results, she deemed that there were in fact, new cysts forming. However, it wasn’t severe or particularly harmful, so Ann was prescribed a new birth control along with progesterone.

“That’s it?” Ann asked in disbelief. “That’s all I need?”

“That’s it,” Dr. Pacini confirmed. “If the pain persists, or gets worse, then by all means come right back. But it’s quite unlikely given where your pain level is at now. Just give it a few days and remember to breathe.”

Ann took a deep breath. It wavered as she exhaled, making Shawn rub her back.

“See? You’re gonna be fine,” he told her reassuringly.

“As long as you take your pills,” Dr. Pacini said firmly. “These are what will keep your pain from coming back. The birth control will manage the PCOS and the progesterone will help shrink the cysts. You’re usually on top of this, Annalise, can I ask what happened in the last few months?”

She shrugged, clearing her throat. Shawn knew what that meant, and he debated answering for her.

“Being in the hospital didn’t do anything for my mental health, I think,” Ann spoke softly.

Dr. Pacini looked between her and Shawn. He nodded in confirmation, trying not to externally show how much his heart was aching. Of course, the doctor asked to elaborate, so Shawn explained the surgery, the almost-death, and the second surgery. It helped her understand, and it made Ann cry in the observation room.

“I see,” Dr. Pacini said as she nodded. “Post surgical depression is very common. Clinical depression on its own can cause you to not care for yourself the way I know you can. I can’t prescribe you anything because it’s not my area of expertise, but Annalise. Look at me.”

She wiped her face with her sleeve and sniffed, her puffy, reddened eyes meeting the doctor’s.

“You will come out of this.”

The silence was loud as Shawn and Ann left the clinic. Ann read the papers Dr. Pacini had given her over and over, brows scrunched in concentration. She only stopped to get back in the car and put on her seatbelt, clearly eager to get the hell out of here.

“You made it out okay,” Shawn gently told her.

“I still have to wait and see if the pain will go away,” she grumbled as she shoved the pages into her purse. “Just like last time.”

Shawn looked at her and placed his hand on her shoulder. “Last time was different. I know you’re worried, but it doesn’t mean everything is going to repeat itself. Did you book an appointment with Callie?”

Ann was rubbing her hands together. “Yeah. I saw her last week and I’m going again tomorrow. That reminds me, I need to ask you something.”

“Anything.” Heart: racing.

Shifting in her seat, Ann sighed deeply. “Okay. I don’t expect you to remember, and it’s okay if you don’t, but do you know what antibiotics they gave me for the infection on my incisions?”

That wasn’t at all what Shawn was expecting. Then again, he had no idea what was happening with this girl lately. When did he ever?

He thought for a moment before answering. “I don’t know the name of it. I remember that it was so strong it made you nauseous. The nurses told you not to puke because then you’d be puking up the medicine. Then, they took you off your Prozac and birth control so you weren’t taking in so much at once. The priority was to control the infection.”

The memory was still heartbreaking. Ann, with her sunken eyes screwed shut, frequently wiggling her fingers and toes in an attempt to keep everything down. She didn’t want to be touched or even talked to. When that side effect wore off, it was time for another dose. It was probably torture for her. Shawn remembered telling her he was going to the cafeteria when in reality he just went to cry to his mom or dad over the phone in the bathroom.

Ann tilted her head in thought. “You remember all that?”

“You don’t?” Shawn asked. “You were like that for a good few days.”

The hand rubbing continued. “I guess it’s blocked out of my head because it was so traumatic. Anyway, I just wanted to know…” She inhaled shortly. “Because uh, Callie wanted to pinpoint um, when I stopped taking the Prozac…” She inhaled again, like she was out of breath.

Shawn noticed the sporadic movements and grew concerned. “You okay?”

Ann rapidly nodded her head, despite her short breathing. “Yeah, just… hospital talk. I, I don’t really like it but I have to talk about it. She, uh, she warned me. I’d get really - fuck - uh, the dam burst, basically.”

“It’s apart of the process.” Shawn nodded, remembering his own flood of tears when he did the work of therapy. “Hey, look at me.”

She shook her head, shoulders tense. Her voice came out low and shaky. “I can’t feel my hands.”

“Can I see?”

Her hand was trembling wildly as she shyly held it out to Shawn. He ran his thumb over her fingers, noticing her stubby chewed up nails and the tiniest speck of black polish on the index. Then, he squeezed the pressure point between her thumb and index.

Ann gasped and looked up at him.

“Felt that?” Shawn asked, and she nodded. “See, you’re okay. You’re a strong lady.”

“I’m a strong lady…”

He affectionately rubbed her hand in both of his, offering a smile. He figured it was best to distract from the scary feelings. “Remember what was happening a year ago? I took you out to that coffee shop.”

“I was nervous,” she mumbled.

“Me too. When I picked you up at your dorm, the first thing I noticed was your red eyeshadow and I thought… red is my new favorite color. I also noticed you didn’t wear the black lipstick, and I really hoped it meant that you were going to kiss me.”

Ann was already blushing from the anxiety attack, but she breathed out a tiny laugh. “I really wasn’t. The nude lip was because we were going to eat…”

“Well, I like to think that you wanted to kiss me. And you did in the end, even after you said you don’t kiss on the first date.” Shawn was tickling the palm of her hand now, running his fingers over every line.

“It was a ‘fuck it’ moment…” Ann was watching his fingers move, like it was helping her focus.

“It’s probably one of my favorite moments with you. Because then I got to know the most amazing, strongest, badass lady I’ve ever seen, and I got to call her mine.”

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnsunflower @someoneunimportantxx @ruinhoney @shawnvvmendes @calyumthomas @yourdeflightfullyleft @havethetimeeofyourlifee @shawmndes @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea @softmendesss @mutuallynotmutual

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #ngl i cried way too much at this shit #mainly bc im dealing with my own physical health #n tryin not to let my mental health deteriorate bc of it #this SUCKS man #im so tired n sad i want it to be over #just diagnose me or imma hackout my stomach #anyways thx for reading :))))

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