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cosmicsunsett · 4 years

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911 Week 2020, Day 4: “Do you believe me?” + love

Read it on AO3

Los Angeles, September of 1979

It was unusual on Fridays to have so little movement in the store, Bucky thought.

Faithfully fulfilling his part-time job, Buck thought he couldn’t have found a better work, not only for his love of music, but by the conditions to which he had moved in to Los Angeles. To leave his hometown had been harder than he anticipated and planned ever since he was a teenager, inspired by dreams shared with Maddie of leaving his parents’ house to build a new life, find out what he wanted and who he was.

Puffing out his cheeks while he scratched his beard, he shook his head when he heard the voice of his older sister warning him that he needed to ground himself and stop daydreaming about a place where everything was perfect and people were good by default. Buck knew that sometimes his own heart deceives him, and that he preferred to believe in the kindness of people, but he also wasn’t an idiot. Before becoming a guest in the Grant Nash’s residence, Buck went through situations he’d pretty much love to erase from his memories forever. Still, he used to joke with Maddie, saying that he had this thing, which allowed him to sense the energy in people.

And it wasn’t exactly because of that that his eyes were attracted to the familiar singing of the bell when a man entered the record store.

Don’t go breaking my heart by Elton John played low on his earphones while he cleaned one disk shelf until his eyes returned to the person that just came in, the unfamiliar man’s pace was calm as he walked the main aisle. Embarrassed, Buck caught himself trying to memorize the smallest details of the stranger. Well defined jaw, unruly beard, brown hair tamed with gel, and hands inside his jeans pockets, jeans that highlighted well his…

Well Buck, not the proper time.

Especially when those brown eyes, which were curious before, now stared at him.

“Hi.” Buck blurted, suddenly nervous.

“Hi.”

A moment of silence followed their exchange before the man arched one eyebrow.

“What?”

“Are you buying anything or what?” Buck crossed his arms under the constant stare from the man.

“Well, with this reception I’m not sure.” The man shrugged, smiling a certain way that, on Buck’s eyes, was a tad arrogant, very different from those eyes, that shone with a silent defiance, outshining some of the curiosity that was still there since he entered the store.

“Dad!” A kid’s voice flooded the silent store. Buck observed as the boy walked with utmost happiness to the man he was just now talking to. Looked foolish, but at that moment a open smile appeared on his face. “You were taking too long! We came to fetch you.”

A smiling lady soon entered following the small kid, but she moved her attention from the Diaz boys to Buck’s isolated presence near the record players.

“Good afternoon, feel free to look around.” Buck greeted, approaching the woman and shaking her hand.

“Apologies for this nosy kid, he enters everywhere as if it were his own.” She laughed, gesticulating towards Eddie and Chris.

“Which one?” Buck gave the lady his best innocent smile as he watched the other man’s expression turn skeptic and slightly enraged a few meter away. For Buck’s own joy, the lady next to him laughed, conscious of Buck’s sass.

“Oh, both. But I’m already used to it.”

“Abuela!” Eddie’s eyes widened while Chris laughed, hugging his father.

“Isabel, it’s a pleasure meeting you.” Isabel smiled at Buck, oblivious to her grandson’s drama. “When we have more time, I promise that Edmundo and I will be back to buy some records.”

“Oh, please, I’ll be around to help you. It’ll be my pleasure!” Buck approached the kid, almost completely hidden between Eddie’s legs. He crouched to Chris’ height. “Same goes for you, kid. Chris, right?”

The boy nodded and smiled wide, making Buck feel an intense affection for him.

“What’s your name?”

“It’s Buck.” The blond could feel evaluating eyes over his head, but his attention was a hundred percent on the little sunshine in front of him.

“It��s a funny name,” Chris laughed, leaning against his crutches and briefly pointing to Buck’s face. “Did you get hurt?”

“Chris.” Eddie’s voice resounded around the store with a warning, but Buck only chuckled.

“It’s ok, Buck is a funny name. And this,” he touched his own forehead next to his eyebrows, “it’s a birthmark. And hey, you wanna know what? You can come here any time and listen to any music, or even just to talk, okay?”

“Okay, very well, you’re going to miss your class and no one here wants that. Let’s get going. Don’t forget to say goodbye, okay?” Eddie tousled Chris’ hair affectionately.

“Bye, Buck!” Chris said, loving all the attention the adults were giving him, “I’ll come back!”

Eddie sighed, closing his eyes. Buck’s own met Isabel’s, who only shrugged.

“Oh, I’m counting on it. A high five!” Buck stretched out his hand and smiled sweetly when Chris high fived him. “That’s it kid, I’ll see you soon.”

Isabel went ahead with Chris, both waving a last time to Buck, who was observing them with a smile, utterly infected by this entire family sympathy.

Well, almost the entire family.

His wide smile diminished a little, turning into an almost malicious little thing as he held a look with those brown eyes. He could even rival it with the arrogant smile that Eddie gave him not long ago.

“Goodbye, Buck.” Eddie deflected his gaze, going in the direction of the exit.

“See you, Eddie,” he shoved his hands into his pockets, his eyes still resting on the figure, that, save one last look towards Buck, exited the store without turning back, leaving something inside Buck that he would only find out later.

As the party globe spun slowly on the ceiling, the flashes of colorful lights danced around the floor and the walls of the almost empty nightclub, illuminating briefly the place that normally was swimming with people. That was one of Buck’s favorite places. He remembered with a small smile the rare occasions when he and his friends managed to meet up and come to this nightclub to drink, talk and dance after a long day at work.

However, his smile became faint, becoming more melancholic as he thought that the nightclub would be an appropriate place for a meeting with a friend, masking as a potential date. His blue eyes, priorly excited and anxious, gazed woefully at the table that he had prepared for himself and Eddie. He sighed, remembering earlier in the week when he surprised his best friend in his own house.

“So,” Buck let it slip, maintaining his face as neutral as possible, a far contrast from his heart, which was beating so strongly, he could hear it if he wanted. “I was thinking-”

“Dangerous, Evan.” Eddie smiled while drying the plates Buck was passing him after he finished washing them.

“Shut up,” Buck laughed, nudging Eddie with his shoulder. Gulping drily, Buck tried to pay attention to the glass jar he lathered under tap. “Are you free friday night?”

“This friday? I think so, yeah. Why?” Eddie creased his brows, clearly not missing the way Buck’s ears became tinted in pink. His eyes rested a little longer than they should on Buck’s birthmark, a weak spot for all the feelings Eddie was useless trying to dodge for more than a year. “Do we need to bury someone?”

Buck whined, laughing while giving Eddie the jar, who promptly caught it and dried it clean with a dishcloth.

“Can you take me seriously for only one instant, I’m trying to say something serious, Eduardo.”

Eddie poked Buck hard on the hips, bringing up a laugh from Buck.

“Go on.”

Buck gulped again, preferring to stare at the glass in his hands as they apparently are more interesting than the hazelnut eyes staring at him intently. He knew his own face was hot, probably blushing, especially when he recognized, on the background, Our Love by Bee Gees playing on the old radio of the small kitchen at the Diaz’ household.

“I wanted to know if you…” Buck sighed, rolling his eyes and throwing the cautious he didn’t have with other people in moments like this away. But Buck knew pretty well why he was walking on eggs on that moment.

It wasn’t just an occasion. It wasn’t just any other person.

Buck could be a cheesy person, but deep inside he knew Eddie was his one. To discover this love, fight against it and coexist with it for so long, even knowing about the obstacles, didn’t make the feeling disappear. It only grew and grew until it became unbearable sometimes to stand by his friend’s side.

“Buck.”

You alone are the living thing that keeps me alive

And tomorrow if I'm here without your love

You know I can't survive

Only my love can raise you high above it all

His blue eyes pursued Eddie’s calloused hand, which, now, was covering his own full of foam. He knew his best friend was only trying to calm him, but the intention had another result.

“Do you want to go out with me friday night? I mean, we’ll still go out on Thursday with everyone else, but on Friday would be… only you and me.”

If Buck tried to specify how long it took for Eddie’s eyes to leave his own, he wouldn’t be able to say. Even knowing his best friend as well as the palm of his own hand, for the first time Buck couldn’t decipher the feelings behind Eddie’s expression.

Eddie’s hand hesitated over his, pulling away for a moment before Buck almost broke the glass he held while he reached for Eddie’s hand back.

“Listen, listen” buck squeezed his hand, pulling Eddie close, “I know, alright? I know you, Eddie Diaz, and I know a little about your story and I respect it. I know you and Shannon are still married and I know that you respect your marriage and I don’t want to interfere-”

Buck was surprised to see Eddie scoffing, almost incredulously.

“Buck, you’re interfered since the first time I saw you in that record store.”

He didn’t know how to respond.

“I… sorry?”

Eddie shook his head, his smile turning more intimate, private, the one Buck loved the most, because he liked to think that smile was one that Eddie only ever smiled on moments like this between them.

“Don’t be. But Buck, you know that I… Chris-”

“Eddie, you know I’d give my life to that kid and I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt him. He’s my favorite Diaz, after all.” Buck smiled as he remembered the three of them listening so some records on the living room after dinner. “I wouldn't dream of ending up destroying anything, but I just…”

Eddie knew. He knew, every day, even when Buck wasn’t with him, Eddie could see on that moment what he and Buck try hard to hide from one another, and from themselves. It took a long time for Eddie to escape the auto denial bubble, and that Buck and he were more than simply best friends with a greater intimacy. But damn, after a year, that feeling, ever since that pair of blue eyes faced him from the back of the record store, Eddie had to deal with that certainty, even if he tried to destroy it by pulling away from Buck, ignoring him, denying him, fighting against what he feels when Buck catches his eyes, how he laughs when telling a horrible joke, when he seems confused by the malicious comments their friends say about them, when he cries observing the commercials on the TV, when he closes his eyes, immersed in the song in his headphones or simply when he carries Chris and dance with him throughout the entire house.

Eddie tried and failed by missing that he was falling in love with Buck, but it was there. As clear and pure as daylight. And he knew the feeling was mutual, because the love that Buck gave to others was difficult not to notice.

But them… they were something else. Both always knew, but had never taken a step foward.

“Eddie Diaz, are you with me?”

Eddie blinked, snapping his attention to the tall man in front of him, apparently very nervous, because he begun feeling his hand being tightened, now also full of foam.

“It can be what you like, a date or a date between friends, we can go to the nightclub, just the two of us, drink and talk about nothing in particular.” Before he could notice, Buck begun speaking faster, “I don’t even know why I said that, I completely respect you, Eddie, I know how it’s hard and new to you, damn, even to myself, but look, you know what? We can totally-”

“Okay.”

“-go out with Chris an-”

Buck choked, his words interrupted with surprise. His blue eyes wide, almost as scared as when Eddie and he would go to the cinema with their friends to watch some horror movie.

“It can be whatever I want, right?” a nervous grin bloomed on Eddie’s lips, “A date or-”

“Of course! Yes, of course.” Buck nodded frantically, licking his lips suddenly, his heart threatening to spill from his mouth. “Wait, Eddie, are you sure?”

Smooth, Evan. Very slow and smooth.

“No, but what the hell. After all, it can be whatever I want, right?” Eddie came closer, the height difference forcing his hazelnut eyes to look from Buck’s pink lips up to the crystal blue eyes again, staring intently. “What we want?”

“Well, what I really want right now is to kiss you.”

Buck 1, Smoothness 0

“Buck!” Eddie shoved the taller man slightly, shaking his head when he caught a glimpse of the wide smile growing on Evan’s face. “You can’t be real.”

“I’m sorry! I’ll always go slow for you, don’t worry. Just, well, you know, it slipped.” Buck laughed, pulling Eddie in for a hug, melting when, after a few seconds later, Eddie’s arms circled his hips. “Everything on its time, alright?”

Eddie didn’t answer, but his arms brought Buck’s body closer yet, resting his face in a prefect fit under Buck’s neck, forgetting for a moment of the world around them and feeling good for listening to his heart instead of his head for the first time in a long while.

Evan checked his watch and sighed, thinking that after two hours from the agreed meeting time, Eddie had probably forgotten.

Or after the great disappointment his best friend suffered yesterday, he realized that he wasn’t ready. That it wasn’t the right time. And as he remembered the pain and hurt embed on Eddie’s eyes when their gazes met, he knew it would be a bad idea to keep pressing on something that maybe would be for the best to continue as it was.

Even if his heart broke into pieces when Buck though how much he wanted them, how he wanted Chris. Bitterly, he looked to the backdoor of the nightclub and he flinched as he remembered of the exact moment yesterday, sitting together with Hen, Chim and Maddie on the sabe table as he sat today. Almost involuntarily, he could feel the familiar pull of Eddie’s eyes over him, even in a room full of people, dancing, drinking and smoking.

As he snorted a laugh next to Maddie while chatting, the beer bottle that came to his lips never arrived at its destination when Buck lifted his eyes up and stared as a familiar figure came walking by the side door of the nightclub.

“Oh, finally arrived the real reason for Buck’s eyes to outshine the globe over our heads.” Chim joked, laughing with Hen, who followed his intense gaze at Eddie’s direction as the man tried to dodge the people on the dance floor.

“This ain’t a nice surprise!” Maddie smiled while greeting Eddie when he approached the table, looking apparently uncomfortable with the Night Fever’s noise that echoed around. Buck smiled, remembering Eddie mumbling the other day when he invited him to meet up with their friends.

After everyone greeted Diaz, he approached Buck, who was still sitting, his azure eyes almost shining under the colorful lights. Eddie always thought he was being discreet while admiring Buck’s obvious beauty, but everytime, it felt like the floor under his feet moved on its own accord when he let himself stare at the details most people didn’t notice in Buck.

And, well, in Buck’s opinion, to be the target of such a powerful stare as the one he was receiving now, and had received over a long time, was a privilege. It wasn’t intimidating, like how it felt when they first met, but it was close to feeling…

Desired. Truly.

“Buckley.”

“Diaz.” the taller man stood, pointing to the empty chair next to him and Maddie on the table.

“What’s this? Preliminaries?” Chim asked, whispering over Maddie’s ear, and she nudged her boyfriend with her elbow.

“I should have pressed Karen to come with me, at least that way I wouldn’t have to be the third wheel.” Hen pointed out bitterly before taking a sip of his drink. Chim and Maddie exchanged a smile before both set of eyes turned to Buck, who cleared his throat and weaved his hand through his blond curls, almost messy.

Ignoring the small murmurs next to them, Evan leaned closer to Eddie as he sat down.

“Want anything to drink? To eat?”

“A beer would be great, thanks.” Eddie smiled pleased for the beer that Buck opened for him, “So, Bobby bothered you a lot today? He doesn’t stand your late arrivals much, from what I know.”

“Oh, please, Buck only needs to give him the puppy eyes and Pops forgives him like that, easy.” Hen replied, aware of the fact that friend got twenty minutes delayed at the fire station that morning. And by the huge smile on his face that same morning, she suspected the reason why.

Well, the reason was practically sitting next to him. With teeth showing off on a beautiful smile, darker skin and brown eyes.

“Hey, and Chris’ science project? How did it go?” Buck turned his attention back to Eddie as they fell into their own little bubble.

“With the extra help he got, he couldn’t have gotten a better mark. Buck, he was almost jumping when I went to get him from school. Showing off his big mark to all his classmates.”

Buck laughed, enjoying the image of his little man happy with his conquest.

“I can’t imagine from whom he got that exhibicionism.” Buck joked, and Eddie rolled his eyes, not missing Buck’s sass, “Really, I don’t know why you complain so much when I invite you out, I know that deep inside you like it”

“I just…”

“live home. Living the exciting life of an eighty years old man.” Buck added, sipping his bear.

“I may be a eighty years old man, but at least I don’t wear flare pants.”

“Hey! They are trending, okay?” Buck shoved him with his shoulders, laughing in unison.

“I spent too much time dodging from this kind of fun, that I simply forgot how one lived aside from taking care of one’s son and working. After I enlisted, my life became my obligations and-”

“Eddie,” Buck placed a hand on the man’s thigh, trying to calm him. “I know. You are an amazing dad. And luckily for Shannon, an amazing husband. And unfortunate for me.”

Eddie didn’t answer, he only stared at Buck in answer, knowing full well of the implications of his best friend’s words. He could imagine what was going through in that blond head, and he couldn’t even count on his fingers all the moments that they could have taken the next step, but Buck never tried to push the limits, even if both knew that Eddie and Shannon were getting closer and closer to a divorce. Eddie hadn’t spoken that morning with Buck about it, but his (still) wife was arriving Los Angeles on the next morning for a chat.

Eddie opened his mouth to reply, when the Disco Inferno echoed on the background, together with the excited shouts from the people on the dancing floor.

“Ok, let’s go, Maddie, it’s time to show what we a capable of.” Chim pulled his girlfriend by the hand when they rose from the table.

“Don’t hurt yourself on the dancing floor, Chim.” Buck said mockingly, and Hen cheered him with her drink. Turning to Eddie with a invitation to dance on the tip of his tongue, Eddie’s eyes got caught to a distant point, far from the dance floor and close to the bar.

Curious to see what had caught Buck’s attention, Eddie made to turn his face, but was stopped by two large familiar hands on either side of his face, preventing him from turning.

“What’s happening?” Eddie frowned, confused while he stared at the shocked eyes of his best friend, before they turned back to him, “Buck, what is it?”

“Eddie, I-”

The older man pulled out from the hot squeeze of Buck’s hands and turned to see what had happened to have gotten Buck so disconcerted, until he saw it, and on that second, he regretted it.

Far away on the dance floor, even through the darkness only illuminated by the colorful lights blinking on and off, Eddie could have recognized that flowery dress anywhere. Male arms were a contrast against the yellow tone of the dress as they circled around the waist he had memorized for almost thirteen years of marriage. They looked like any other couple around them, dancing and kissing happily.

Meanwhile, Eddie felt his heart drop to his stomach.

Before Buck could react, his eyes widened to see Eddie stand up and march towards the bar, where Shannon and the unfamiliar man were dancing closely.

“Eddie, Eddie! Wait!” Buck followed, ignoring Hen’s protests as he tried to catch up with his friend, but it was difficult to dodge so many people on a crowded space.

Only a few steps before Eddie could reach them, but Buck managed to intervene, pulling the man by the hand to his direction, completely aware of the powerful tugs Eddie was doing to free himself. Until that finally both managed to exit from the side door of the nightclub, being greeted by the chilly fresh air of the night.

“What the fuck was that, Buck?” The expression on Eddie’s face was furious, and if it wasn’t from the firm hold Buck had on his arms, he would have already turned back inside. “Let me go!”

“No, Eddie, I know full well what you plan to do, but please, don’t do it. It’s not worth it.”

“And so what? I’m not worth it?” Eddie shouted in the middle of the almost deserted street, aside from a couple of youngsters smoking next to the nightclub’s corner. Finally managing to get off Buck’s grip, he panted for air, but his heart was far from being tight. He wasn’t going to cry, he didn’t want it. “I was trying, Buck, trying really hard for our marriage, and she was betraying me all this time and I-”

“Eddie-”

“No!” Eddie took two steps away when Buck tried to come close. “I’m tired, Buck. I even thought we could have tried again, who knows, maybe we could have gone traveling, or tried having another child, I don’t know.”

Buck gulped dry, nodding as he felt the chilly breeze touch his face. He hated seeing Edde like that, completely defeated as his eyes shone, betraying the tears his friends tried to hold back.

“I wanted to do it because deep inside I knew it was the best thing to do” Eddie scoffed, running a hand down his face. Biting his lips, he shook his head. “In the end, you’re right. I placed my happiness so low and I only hurt myself. I placed us both last, and for what? And Christopher? I only ended hurting my son and you.”

“No, Eddie, is not like that.” Buck answered, trying to catch Eddie’s eyes even when he looked far away from Buck. “ You wanted what’s best for your family, and I get that, and I support you. This was not your fault, none of what happened is.”

“So why don’t I feel any better?”

Buck opened his mouth but promptly closed as he watched as the sorrowful hazelnut eyes stared back. His shoulders slumped, brown hair sticking out in every direction due to the breeze, alike Buck’s. Eddie searched for answers Buck couldn’t give. And it hurt, it hurt seeing someone he loved being wounded.

“I’m an idiot.”

“Wait, Eddie-”

Buck followed Eddie quickly as they distanced themselves from the nightclub.

“I’ll give you a lift.”

“I think I prefer walki-”

“Look, I’ll give you all the time you need. And your space. I won’t pressure you. I promise.” hesitating, Buck cupped Eddie’s cold hand with his. “Just, please, let me take you home.”

Eddie’s expression told him he would clearly fight to contradict Buck’s request, he seemed ready to pull away and leave, but he was too tired to do much. So, he let himself get gently dragged to the green beetle car that was parked only a few blocks away.

After a few minutes, both were parking in front of the Diaz’ household. The silence was immense in the beetle, but soon Eddie’s fingers searched for the latch on the door. Before he could leave, Buck asked, voice almost a whisper.

“Tomorrow’s not a good idea, huh?”

Eddie looked at him confused before he closed his eyes, clearly remembering their ‘date’. His stomach folded into itself as he remembered the scene at the nightclub, and he didn’t have energy to stay close no anyone.

Not even Buck.

“I’m so sorry,” he averted his eyes, not bearing to see the sadness on those blue eyes he had learned to love in so little time.

“Hey, I need to keep the hope up for us, right?” Buck smiled, barely reaching his eyes. “Give Chris a kiss for me”

Eddie nodded, opening the car door and leaving.

“And Eddie?” Buck waited Diaz to turn around and face him. “You know where to find me. You’re not alone.”

Not trusting his voice, Eddie climbed up to his house. When he closed the door behind himself, he smiled sadly as he heard the faint sound of the green beetle fading away, leaving only then the tears to fall, submerged by the darkness of his house.

Shoving his thoughts away, Buck rose and walked towards the exit. His fingers were ready to pull the power lever and close the place when his eyes betrayed him, falling on the side door. His heart almost dropped from his chest when he saw a figure entering the empty nightclub, his hesitant steps coming his way.

“Eddie?” Buckley walked to the center of the dance floor, recognizing the curves and traces of his best friend, soaking wet, probably because the rain was heavy outside the nightclub and Buck hadn’t notice. The eyes he admired so much, now puffy and wet and he was sure it weren’t from the rain. “Are you okay?”

Brown eyes stared on only a few steps away. Eddie flicked his eyes away for a moment, briefly sparing his attention fo the table set for two behind Buck before they flicked back to the blue pair that were set on him. Eddie approached, seeming smaller and different from the usual Eddie Diaz he knew and loved.

“Evan…”

Buck waited.

And waited until the other man’s shaking voice echoed over the room.

“And if one day you realize that I’m not enough for you?”

Oh, Eddie.

Buck gulped dry, closing the distance between then until he felt the warm breathing of his friend against his. He closed his eyes as he felt a cold and wet hand cupping his face, and smiled as he felt the familiar carressing on his beard, so alike the gentle touch of Chris when Buck told him stories.

Opening his eyes, he tried to transmit truly what his heart longed to tell Eddie all the time.

When he smiled.

When he played with Chris.

When he mocked Buck for his stupid jokes, only to make him smile. Or even when he say the green beetle was too small for a man almost two meters tall like Buck.

When he tried to hide is sigh when Buck hugged him, most times without his consent.

When he got angry and fumed in spanish as he tried to cook, or when they thought about minor things.

When he noticed a stranger on the record store he worked at months ago.

“I love you, Eddie. And I think this feeling inside me will never leave.” Buck murmured, hugging the man’s waist. “You are more than enough. You and Chris are family.”

With his hand still cupped on Buck’s face, Eddie pulled him even closer, touching their foreheads together. Eddie could try naming what it felt like being surrounded by the huge arms of his best friend, isolated inside an empty nightclub while the rain poured outside, yet all seemed wrong.

But safety and trust was everything Buck gave him, and so, he meant to retribute for a long, long time.

Aside from that special word. His head was still swirling with the three words spoken by Buck with such an ease, so different from even himself, who holds them closer yet to his chest. The heavy feeling only grew.

“I have your back, Eddie.”

“I have yours.”

Buck squeezed Eddie’s arm, as if nothing else mattered aside from that moment. A few moments go on like this before Don’t go breaking my heart started playing on the amplifiers and Buck laughed low against Eddie’s temple, feeling the wet locks of his hair against his lips.

“What?” Eddie asked, suddenly curious to know what was going through Buck’s head.

Slowly, Buckley swayed them from one side to the other, and Eddie let himself be taken away, hugging and being hugged in return, smiling genuinely for the first time after what occurred last night.

“Don’t go breaking my heart, you take the weight off of me” Buck sand under Eddie’s ear. “Come on, Diaz, gimme what you got.”

Eddie tried to ignore the baits Buck was leaving, until the taller man swirled him around, making him laugh surprised with his dance moves. It wasn’t the first time that he observed Buck dance, but alone, it seemed that Buck would let himself act more foolish than he normally would act. He observed in ecstasy his friend close his eyes, laughing and singing, moving his hips awkwardly before opening them again and sing the chorus line from Elton John’s song.

Woo hoo

Nobody knows it

When I was down

I was your clown

Woo hoo

Nobody knows it

“Hey now, I know what you’re thinking, it’s not nice.” Buck pulled him back by his hand, making Eddie laugh freely. Diaz’ arms enveloped his large shoulders, letting himself be guided by the lyrics of the song and Buckley moves, feeling his own breathing against the neck of the taller man. “I know you have talented moves, don’t you hide it.”

“You are way more talented than me, I would say.” Eddie said sarcastically, laughing at the contrasting expression on the face of someone so tall and strong that more looked like a seven years old boy mentally.

“Right from the start, I gave you my heart” Buck hugged Eddie again, getting back to following the song’s beat together, wishing more than anything to freeze this moment.1 The feeling took hold of him when his best friend chanted the following words from the song.

“Do you believe me?” Buck asked, holding Eddie on his arms.

“Oh-oh, I give you my heart.” Eddie answered singing against Buck’s face, swinging from one side to the other, letting himself act foolish and enjoying the moment. Like he had thought so many times before, tomorrow’s not promised. When he felt Buck’s laugh, he smiled, fool and in love.

But today, on that rainy night as Elton John echoed around them and Buck was in his arms, it was all he could have wished for.

#911 fox #911 fic #911week #911week2020 #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #evan buckley x eddie diaz #my writing

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buckinviteseddie · 4 years

Text

911 Week 2020, Day 6: “"I'm not going" + angst

Read it on AO3

Buck was tired of it all. He couldn't stand seeing people leave his life anymore, he couldn't stand being left behind anymore, that hurt him in a surreal way. Abby had left him without even having the decency to say she would never come back to him, Ally simply left because she couldn't deal with the life he had at work and finally had Maddie who abandoned him when he needed it most. Even though he currently knew why she had left, it still hurt to remember all the sleepless nights of anxiety and all the humiliating moments he had to spend with his parents. And in the end he had no one to count on, the only person he could really count on, who was his older sister, had abandoned him. Everyone around him abandoned him at one time or another and Buck was really tired of it, the mental exhaustion was huge and he couldn't understand why he was always left behind. And finally there was the fact that he was in love with his best friend and he knew Eddie didn't feel the same way, and it killed him. Buck had a very strong friendship with Eddie and he couldn't complain about what he had. They shared great times together when it was just the two of them or when Christopher was also in the middle and anyone who saw them from outside could swear they were family and Buck couldn’t complain about what he had, but he wanted more, he really wanted to be able to build a family with Eddie, but he also knew it was impossible and so he was giving up on flirting, giving up trying to miserably show Eddie how much he was in love with him.

It had been almost an hour since Buck sat there on the bar stool swirling his glass of beer on the table and staring at nothing as he thought about all the bad things that happened and continued to happen in his life. Some people passed by randomly trying to flirt with him, but to no avail. If it was a couple of years ago in his phase that he called Buck 1.0, he would be there having fun and being with all the women and men he wanted, but he was now a more mature person and it made no sense to stay with any of these people just to drown their hurt, because whoever he really wanted wasn’t there and even if Eddie wanted nothing with him, Buck didn’t feel good about being with other people. He just wanted to drink a little and try to forget about all these problems, which in fact was not happening.

After a while Buck realized it was time to stop, as he was more than drunk and needed to go home and get some sleep, as he would have a 12-hour shift in a few hours. He called an uber and on the way he fought not to sleep in the car and ended up stopping somewhere unknown, as he was feeling exhausted and his body just wanted a soft place to relax. Buck doesn't know how he got to his apartment. He struggled a little up the stairs while his mind spun with the effect of the amount of alcohol he drank. He staggered a few times as he climbed step by step and when he finally went up to the second floor, he threw his whole body on the bed, not even bothering to change clothes, take a shower or at least take off his shoes.

***

The next day, Buck woke up with his head still spinning a little. He looked at his watch with some difficulty and realized that it was only an hour and a half before his shift started "shit", he thought before running to the bathroom and throwing up the rest of the alcohol in his stomach. He was filthy, not only from the smell of sweat mixed with alcohol on his clothes, but inside he felt rotten, that was not the life Buck wanted for him, at least not anymore. Until when it would be like this and whenever he felt depressed he would run to the first bar he could find and drink until he couldn't take it anymore.

Buck was quick to get undressed and throw in the laundry basket and throw himself in the shower while he turned on the shower and let the cold water run through his body as electricity in the form of punishment. As soon as he left the bathroom, he hurried to put on his uniform and get ready, damn he was a wreck. When he came down the stairs, he went looking for some aspirin and then took a few sips of coffee. When he was finished he took his bag and car keys and slammed the apartment door behind him.

It didn't take long to get to the station, luckily the traffic that morning was peaceful. Buck then put his bag in the closet and went to join the other teammates who were already sitting at the table having their respective breakfast.

"Wow Buckaroo, you look terrible." Hen waved as he approached.

Buck forced an ironic smile as he approached. "Thank you".

"Good Morning". Eddie greeted him as he took his cup and sipped his coffee.

Buck sat next to him as usual, but didn't look at him as he said, "Good morning."

You could feel the tension in the air. Everyone was silent and with each passing second the tension worsened. "Well, I think today will be quite a day." Chimney forced more than necessary animation.

Buck shrugged while picking up some fruit and forcing himself to eat, he was on an empty stomach so he needed to eat in order to get through the next twelve hours of work.

At a glance he could see Eddie staring at him a few times. Maybe was worried that he was physically awful, but Buck wasn't in the mood for conversation and his head was still pounding from the hangover.

"I hope the fact that you have a hangover is not a problem, Buck." Bobby said as he joined them and handed him a full cup of coffee. “Here, it's out of sugar. It helps to reduce the swelling of the blood vessels that cause the headache ”.

“I'm fine, cap. but thank you". Buck took the cup of coffee and took a sip, wow it was pretty strong. "By the way, how do you know about these things?" He gave him a questioning look.

"Well, I was young like you and I loved going out at night to drink with friends ...". Bobby forced a smile and turned his attention to his own plate while eating some goodies that he had prepared that morning.

Buck just shrugged, not trying to bring it up, he knew Bobby didn't like to talk about it much.

"Young people today just want to get drunk and go out and kiss everyone around." Eddie had a certain harshness in his voice, but he gave a wry smile in Buck's direction, who flinched in defense.

Buck opened his mouth to try to defend himself from his friend's accusatory tone, but closed it in the same second. He was in such a bad mood that he didn't trust what could come out of his mouth and he didn't want to get into an unnecessary argument. He couldn't understand why Eddie was treating him like this, that he knows the only mistake he was making was being in love with his best friend.

Luckily for Buck, the rest of the day went pretty smoothly. No big calls, just simple things that didn't require much effort. His headache was gone and he was already feeling a little better. His interaction with Eddie was very little, just what they needed while on a call. Eddie seemed to notice that he was not okay, because from time to time he would cast looks that indicated he wanted to talk and know what was happening to Buck, but he was not feeling good, much less in the mood for it, even more after Eddie's comment earlier.

Buck thanked all the gods when his office hours were finally over and he could finally go home and rest and not think about anything else. As he sat on the locker room bench tying his shoelaces, he heard footsteps approaching.

"What's going on with you, Evan?" Eddie leaned against the cupboards and stared at him with those brown eyes that made Buck melt all over just by looking.

"Nothing, dude, I just really need my bed". Buck replied while finishing his work with the sneakers and trying not to stare at his friend and end up getting caught up in the tattered lie he had just played. "By the way, what did you mean with that comment you made earlier?"

"Nothing. Have a good night, Buckley". Without even waiting for an answer, he left the locker room and left.

Buck sighed deeply at the boy's reaction, he didn't know why Eddie seemed to be upset with him, but at the moment he just wanted to get to his car and go home.

When he got home, he did the entire night route he did every day. He took a shower, this time hot so he could relax his body. He ate some leftovers he found in the fridge and when he finished eating, he brushed his teeth before throwing himself on the bed and letting the tiredness and sadness go out.

***

It was dark when he woke up in alarm with the sound of his own scream. His shirt was damp with sweat as was his forehead. His breathing was labored and his chest rose and fell at a rapid speed. Buck was filling up to get as much air as possible, he was having a panic attack. He didn't know what to do, his heart pounding in his chest as he struggled desperately to find his cell phone. All the nerves in his body were shaking and the sensation was horrible, he just wanted it to stop and when he finally found it, he didn't even realize when he already had his cell phone in hand, dialing the number so familiar that he knew in his head.

He thought about hanging up the call when on the third ring when the call was answered. "Buck?" Eddie's voice was hoarse on the other end of the line, indicating that he was sleeping when the phone rang.

"Buck ... are you there?" Eddie spoke as he took a deep breath with the phone to his ear.

He thought about hanging up and just dealing with the situation his own, it wasn't right for him to disturb Eddie in the middle of the night because he was having a panic attack, but at the same time he didn't know what to do. "I need you...". Buck replied before he even thought, his voice coming out shaky and breathless.

"Where are you?" Eddie seemed to be getting ready, as Buck could hear what sounded like the belt buckled in his pants.

"Home...". It was all he could to say while his whole body was shaking.

"I am on my way". There was a sound of keys and then Eddie hung up.

Buck stayed with the phone for some time before realizing that the call was over and then tossing it on the bed. He was still struggling to breathe. His face was drenched with tears and his eyes were swollen. He then sat down and bent his legs close to his chest, wrapping both arms around them and burying his head.

What seemed like fifteen minutes passed, then Buck heard the door open and close, and after a few seconds, treaded steps up the stairs. He then raised his head and saw even with some difficulty because of the poor lighting, Eddie standing at the entrance to his room with a concerned look.

"Eds ...". He called out with a sob.

Eddie went towards him and sit next to Buck. "I am here". He didn't think twice before pulling Buck close to him and wrapping his arms around him.

Buck grabbed Eddie's shirt with shaking hands as he sobbed and cried softly. He stayed that way for a few secunds, while Eddie tightened his embrace around him a little and rocked him back and forth as if he were holding a baby.

"I'm scared Eddie ..." Buck admitted. "I'm too scared."

“It's okay, it's okay. I am here. It was just a nightmare, I got you ”. Eddie kissed Buck on the head and then touched his cheek there.

"Please don't leave me...". Buck's voice was almost a whisper within Eddie's embrace.

Gradually he recovered. Being in Eddie's arms gave him a feeling of protection and relief and as much as Buck was much taller than the other, at the moment he was feeling as if he were the size of a baby. What comforted him was hearing Eddie's heart in his ears and gradually his own heart was accompanying the beats and his breathing softening.

“I'm not going ... I'm not going anywhere. I'm here with you". Eddie still shakes him in a way to comfort him.

They remained silent for some time. Just sharing each other's warmth while Eddie comforted his best friend. And that was all Buck needed right now, he needed Eddie and he went there to console him and the blond couldn't be more grateful for that.

"I'm sorry for making you come here in the middle of the night." Buck spoke as he stepped away from the embrace and composed himself. "By the way, where's Chris?"

“You have nothing to apologize for, and don't worry about Chris. I brought him with me and put him on the couch. He's sleeping there like an angel ”. Even in the dark Buck could see the faint smile on Eddie's face.

Buck lifted his mouth a little, struggling to return the smile, even though he didn't know if Eddie could see him.

"What's going on, Buck?" Eddie asked cautiously, not wanting to upset Buck more than he already was.

"I'm broken Eddie." Buck admitted. "My head is in turmoil and I don't know how to deal with it all".

He felt his whole body shiver a little when Eddie took his hand and squeezed it gently. “Evan, be honest with me. Tell me what bothers you ”.

Buck felt his heart skip a few beats. If he hadn't had a panic attack a few minutes ago, he would be having it now. He struggled a little before throwing out what he was feeling. "I've been thinking a lot about my life, how everyone leaves me, how I'm always left behind ...". Buck sniffed a little as he straightened. "And....".

"And?" Eddie asked.

Shit, that was hard.

"And ... I ... I can't handle withe the fact that in love with you." Buck took a deep breath and continued. “And knowing that the feeling is not mutual, it destroys me every day. It kills me to have to look at you every day and not be able to have you ”.

Buck tried to pull his hand out of Eddie's grip, but his best friend took it back. "And who said that the feeling is not mutual?"

"What?" Buck was confused by the turnaround.

"What I mean is that I...I'm in love with you too, Buck." Eddie seemed to be a little embarrassed about having to expose his feelings, but he kept his hands around the boy's. "Right after the process, I was able to understand this feeling and how much I am in love with you, I just didn't have any sign coming from you so I didn't say anything".

"I flirt with you brazenly, Eddie." Buck snorted.

"I'm sorry, I'm not too good at these things."

"By the way, what was the reason for that earlier comment?" A questioning look settled on Buck's forehead as he faced his friend.

"I...I was a little jealous that you went to spend the night in a bar and flirting with other people." Eddie stuttered a little as he scratched the back of his neck and his cheeks burned with the revelation.

Buck reached with his free hand to his mouth trying to stop a laugh and not wake up Christopher who was sleeping downstairs. “Eddie, I didn't stay with anyone, I went there to cry some sorrows and to try to forget a little about the fact that I'm in love with you. I haven't kissed someone else in a while, I just think about you. It's always you ”.

Eddie wasted no time in giving an answer, he grabbed Buck's neck and pulled him close, kissing his lips with the greatest conviction possible. At first it was an awkward kiss, his lips roaming an unknown place, but soon Buck opened his mouth and allowed Eddie's warm, soft tongue to penetrate the inside and play with his. It was a hot, ravenous kiss. As if they have been waiting for this moment for a long time. Desire and will was all that hung over them. Gradually the kiss softened and became more intense, with Buck biting Eddie's lower lip and making him moan softly. They kissed for a while, experiencing this new experience so that they were both feeling good and comfortable.

A few minutes ago Buck was feeling like he had nothing and no one, like he was trapped in an endless void, and now there he was in the arms of the person he loved and that he was hopelessly in love with and that feeling it was mutual. Buck thanked all possible superior deities as he stepped away and buried his head in Eddie's shoulder, smelling that familiar smell that made him feel at home.

"I love you, Eds."

Eddie held Buck's head in both hands while pulling him in for a light kiss on the lips, then he looked at the boy and flashed a huge smile that made Buck melt all over. "I love you, Buck."

#911 fox #911week2020 #911week #911 fic #Buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #evan buckley x eddie diaz #day 6 #im not going #buckinviteseddie

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