#95 percent of the time he’s doing it for comedy. that’s it

[sailforvalinor]

My literature professor: “When Benedick says, ‘Peace! I will stop your mouth’ and kisses Beatrice, Beatrice has no further lines in the play, she’s completely silent, symbolizing how by marrying Benedick she is surrendering all of her power. In being silent she is submitting to patriarchal values of—“

Me: “—ma’am, there are 29 lines left in the play.”

[maximumphilosopheranchor]

"For two decades before his global fame as a wartime president, his reported bravado and need for “ammo, not a ride” accompanied by actual courage, Volodymyr Zelenskyy was widely known in Ukraine and throughout the Russian-speaking world for his artistry, humor, and moral leadership. If the Soviet period had been distinguished for some above all by its bezzhalostnost’— its ruthlessness or pitilessness—and the 1990s by mercilessness of a different sort, as a screen and stage performer Zelenskyy had consistently embodied and articulated humanistic values, telling the truth about politics and everyday life even when the stakes of doing so were high. As a satiric actor, Zelenskyy articulated a way of thinking about national belonging in Ukraine that included space for diverse political identities while promoting patriotism and unity. While to some, Ukrainians’ current unity may seem a crisis response that may not survive victory or an inadvertent product of Russian President Vladimir Putin’s choices, an examination of Zelenskyy’s work as a showman illuminates his sustained efforts to lead Ukrainians and foster societal unity well before Russia’s full-scale war.

Although some observers in the West have interpreted their own discovery of Zelenskyy’s wartime qualities as his “emergence” as a leader, Zelenskyy has long been known as such in Ukraine—albeit in the realm of artistic, rather than political, performance. Years before his formal presidential campaign or presidential leadership, Zelenskyy articulated a vision of Ukrainian political nationhood from the stage. Even as Zelenskyy’s record in governance prior to February 2022 elicited mixed responses from Ukrainians, the ideas about Ukrainian political identity that helped propel Zelenskyy to a landslide victory in 2019 have been resilient in the face of full-scale war. The following pages examine key ideas Zelenskyy communicated as a performer during the eight years prior to Russia’s full-scale invasion, analyzing the content of Zelenskyy’s stagecraft and the concepts and discursive frames he and his troupe Studio Kvartal-95 used in their show “Vechirnii (Evening) kvartal” to build a vocabulary of national unity following years of societal polarization.

Most discussions of Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the context of his wartime presidential leadership note in passing that he is a former comedian, but Zelenskyy was no minor figure in the worlds of Ukrainian and Russian show business. As players in international improvisational comedy competitions (KVN, or Club of the Merry and Resourceful) broadcast on Russian state television, drawing millions of viewers, Zelenskyy and his troupe were familiar to audiences across Ukraine, Russia, and other independent states that had been part of the Soviet Union by the late 1990s.

By 2003, after Zelenskyy’s popularity and talent yielded overtures from Moscow to work as a writer for KVN, which he refused, he and his teammates set out on their own. Zelenskyy created his own production company, Kvartal-95, which would go on to produce dozens of television shows and films viewed on Ukraine television and on Russian state television. In 2021, Kvartal-95’s show Svaty (“In-laws”) was the most popular series on Russian state television and on Ukrainian television, where the series attracted 12.8 million viewers and a 24 percent share of Ukrainian audiences that year.

Ukrainians of all ages followed their show Vechirnii kvartal, which aired at prime time on Saturday evenings. In its final year with Zelenskyy, prior to his inauguration as president, Vechirnii kvartal was watched by 18 percent of television audiences across the country. A musical revue that leaned heavily on political satire, Vechirnii kvartal addressed topics of interest to everyday people, making jokes highlighting the absurdities of contemporary post-Soviet life. Whether playing a hospitalized psychiatric patient pressured to vote for former Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych or an apartment dweller waiving a shotgun to threaten a postal worker delivering an electricity bill, Zelenskyy and his troupe invited his audiences to laugh not at the people they portrayed, but at the absurdity of the world as seen through their eyes. There were exceptions, as when they satirized politicians, skewered Russians gloating over the annexation of Crimea, or ridiculed Russians over their stereotypes about Ukrainians. After 2014 Zelenskyy and his troupe used the show to advance ideas about democracy and Ukrainian sovereignty and unity.

From the stage, Zelenskyy and his troupe told stories that follow Aristotelian conventions, leading the audience through a narrative arc that ended in catharsis. At the same time, they suffused that dramatic form with social reflection more typical of modern theater. In contrast to dramatic theater, in which the viewer closely identifies with characters on the stage, and different from modern theater’s critical distance from the action on the stage, Zelenskyy engages each member of his audience not with the characters, but as a character. This move involves the viewer as a political subject, making possible an emancipatory politics that ordinarily is rendered impossible by the structure of dramatic form. In other words, Zelenskyy tells a compelling story—but still prompts the viewer to leave the theater primed to act to improve the world.

As a showman, Zelenskyy articulated a political vision that consistently emphasized not only freedom and ambition but also responsibility and brotherhood--sisterhood later would become a theme of Zhinochyi kvartal, a show also produced by Zelenskyy’s company. Zelenskyy preached not loyalty to a leader but fidelity to the idea of Ukraine—and proceeded to offer a vision for that idea that viewers of Vechirnii kvartal absorbed and engaged with on Saturday evenings and when Zelenskyy and his troupe toured Ukraine and Ukrainians’ vacation destinations around the world. (..)

Beyond the halls of academia and government, over time many other Ukrainians also internalized the trope of “two Ukraines,” the idea that the history and geography were in some sense destiny and their single state might really be two countries, as Riabchuk had once put it. After all, there were real historical regional variations and disagreements, and evidence of contemporary division was present in everyday life. For example, in the years immediately following the massive demonstrations of Ukraine’s Orange revolution, which coalesced in response to documented electoral fraud, members of the same family often couldn’t agree about whether protest was a legitimate path to political change.

If a split approximately along the Dnipro had been the dominant framework Ukrainians and others long had used to organize Ukrainians’ ideas about their relationships with their compatriots, Zelenskyy and Studio Kvartal-95 offered a different way of seeing Ukraine and the world. Both drawing on and articulating a form of national patriotism that was emerging in Ukrainian society following Russia’s 2014 invasion, Zelenskyy and his troupe supplied their audiences a language and framework to think and talk about modern Ukrainian political nationhood that broke through dominant tropes of polarization. Like the Ukrainian professional historians who worked on the “historical front” during the same period to provide a framework for a decolonial and constructivist politics and history that emphasized change and fertile engagement among groups rather than an essentialist nation, Zelenskyy and Studio Kvartal-95 worked on an artistic and entertainment front to shift how their Ukrainian audiences saw themselves and each other.

From the stage, Zelenskyy and his troupe cultivated a way of thinking about Ukrainian identity that included a diverse range of people and articulated values that were patriotic and liberal—yet included elements of religious culture and broad humanism that appealed to a wide range of Ukrainians. Their approach provided language and a national concept that russified Ukrainians, who did not think of themselves as nationalists, could use to identify as patriots. (..)

In contrast to the binary thinking that dominated Russian official discourse and some analyses of Ukrainian politics, Zelenskyy used an approach to discussing the recent past that reflected a growing understanding in Ukraine of the country as a multicultural polity. In their songs, Zelenskyy and his team reframed Ukrainian identity to focus on recognition and validation of ways of belonging that often did not map onto the categories of analysis social scientists usually used to examine identity. Through lyrics and other elements of performance, Zelenskyy and his team disaggregated elements of the seemingly bipolar world of Ukrainian domestic politics to articulate ideas of Ukrainian identity that focused on a diversity of possible personal and group identities. (..)

As president, Zelenskyy took the approach he used on stage further, invoking identities that cohered not only around language or region, but also around individual beliefs and everyday practices that did not always seem political. In his New Year’s presidential greeting in 2020, Zelenskyy articulated a plural vision of politics that expanded the categories Ukrainians used to identify themselves and that others use to identify them. Elevating regional identities, he spoke Ukrainian but also pronounced sentences in other languages spoken in Ukraine: Russian, Crimean Tatar, and Hungarian. He then led his viewers through recognizable identity categories and experiences, alighting upon a variegated societal taxonomy. Setting aside concepts ordinarily used in political analysis, Zelenskyy recognized and elevated Ukrainian citizens as individual humans:

Who am I? An agronomist from Cherkasy, a former photographer who defends his country in the east? A former physicist who washes dishes in Italy, or a former chemist who builds skyscrapers in Novosibirsk? Someone who has lived abroad for ten years and loves Ukraine over the Internet? Someone who lost everything in Crimea and started again from nothing in Kharkiv? Someone who learned Ukrainian because it’s normal to know the state language. Someone who doesn’t want to? Someone who pays her taxes? Someone who breaks the traffic laws? Someone who has a dog? A redhead? A Muslim? Someone who is hearing-impaired? Someone who hates olives? A liberal? An excellent student? Someone who didn’t watch Game of Thrones? A sanguine temperament? A vegan? A Capricorn? Someone who doesn’t offer his seat on the subway? A blood donor? Someone who refuses to use plastic?

Zelenskyy went on to add, “This is each of us, Ukrainians, as we are. Not ideal, not saints, because we’re just people, living people, with our flaws and eccentricities.” Responses to the address brought an avalanche of appreciation within and especially beyond Ukraine, as many remarked on the contrast between Zelenskyy’s warm, human thoughtfulness, and individuality and the uniform, cardboard character of the greetings distributed by the Russian, Belarusian, and Kazakhstan presidents. (..)

Having produced performances that tried to break apart the dualities that dominated Ukraine’s polarized politics, focusing instead on a diversity of constituent identities, Zelenskyy and Studio Kvartal-95 used two key focal points to gather individual parts into a coherent whole. For Zelenskyy and Studio Kvartal-95, those focal points were interlocking foils: the actions of Ukraine’s own oligarchic political class, which treated Ukrainians as background players, not agents of change, and Putin’s political regime and its war against Ukraine. Focusing on issues about which Ukrainians of different political, linguistic, and other stripes could agree, Studio Kvartal-95 used these two themes to articulate the idea of a united popular front. (..)

Performing mainly in the Russian language for russified Ukrainians, Zelenskyy and Studio Kvartal-95 articulated for their audiences an idea of Ukrainian national identity that broke through long-standing societal polarization and interference from Russia to create a space in which Ukrainians could find an idea of multicultural patriotism and community, a mirror image of the robust civil society that had developed in Ukraine during the same period. While others have noted Zelenskyy’s ordinariness, describing him as a reflection of the society in which he lives, this article has highlighted the ways Zelenskyy and Studio Kvartal-95 intervened and led in Ukrainian mass culture, providing a vocabulary and concepts for articulating an inclusive vision of Ukrainian political nationhood.

The ideas Zelenskyy and Studio Kvartal-95 articulated from the stage did not attempt to sort out a shared national past through power-laden competition among different groups’ versions of history. Instead, setting their audience’s eyes on a shared horizon, they abandoned the analytical categories social scientists use to sort people’s identities and recognized the possibility of fostering unity by validating a great diversity of possible taxonomies that could be used for thinking about belonging. In Zelenskyy’s vision of politics, recognition of diversity also included an embrace of agonism, a radical acceptance of messiness and disagreement in democratic society, a willingness to look with humor and understanding upon human frailty, and a recognition that strength is to be found in variety: that a social fabric woven of many different visible threads can be more flexible and resilient, and more resistant to damage than an undifferentiated weft."

Jessica Pisano, "Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s Vision of Ukrainian Nationhood". Journal of Peace and War Studies, 4th Edition (October 2022).

[briamichellewrites]

95

Ever since meeting Bria, Justin spent every minute he had with her. Brad, Mike, and Shiloh had gone home after spending a week with her. It was a very fun week with her. It was as if nothing had changed. They missed having her as their neighbor, but they were happy she was doing okay. The next time she was in LA, she promised to make them something special. Since the band was working together on their fourth album, they wanted to know how she was doing.

She was doing okay. What did that mean? She knew her way around her neighborhood and was comfortable living by herself. They talked about Bradley a few times. She was very angry with him for cheating on her, though that wasn’t one hundred percent confirmed yet. What did he do? He told them what he knew.

Bradley was presenting himself as a single man and was flirting with other women. His friend, Justin something or other thought he may have been hooking up with different women. He was the one who let her know what he was doing. They met him and he seemed like a decent guy, though they didn’t want her jumping into another relationship. After she got the text message from him, she left Bradley. She moved her stuff into storage, boarded her cats, and got a hotel room.

She also took her name off of the lease and their bills, making him pay for everything. What was she paying for? Everything except rent. They split everything according to income and she was naturally paying more since she could afford it. Her new apartment was very nice and expensive! He couldn’t remember how much it was! It was like thirty million dollars or something like that.

Holy shit! Where in New York did she live? She lived in the Upper East Side, so a very expensive area. Her building was only a short walk away from Central Park. She said she chose that area because it was safer. That was true. She thought about Brooklyn or Staten Island, but she liked being able to spend her afternoons at the park. It was also a short walk to Target. They laughed. What about her car? She didn’t have a car.

“She said she doesn’t need one because she can walk, get a taxi, or use the subway.”

“Good for her! We will have to visit her some time”, Phoenix said.

“She has, I think four or five bedrooms. Though, one is for her cats.”

They laughed. Justin and Bria hooked up after he kissed her. They were attracted to each other, romantically and sexually. While talking about it later, he came up with the idea of getting back at Bradley by dating. She jokingly asked if that wasn’t the plot of every romantic comedy. He gave her a look that said, work with me here. How long has he been thinking about this? Since the night he met her. She called him adorable. He officially asked her out. She agreed. He kissed her happily.

Though they wanted to get back at Bradley, he genuinely wanted to date her. She was beautiful and he didn’t deserve her. Instead of staying inside, they went out. Bradley was too afraid of the paparazzi to take her out. Justin didn’t care if they saw them together. For their first official date, he took her to UVA, an Italian restaurant. He waited while she changed clothes.

She put on an oversized sweater, a pair of nice jeans, and white Converse sneakers. He kissed her cheek and told her she looked beautiful. They walked to the restaurant holding hands. It was a little chilly outside, so she was happy she wore a sweater. They didn’t know it, but Bradley happened to be watching them from where he was standing. He was meeting one of the girls he hooked up with and was not expecting to see his ex and his good friend together.

He debated whether he should make his presence known. Before he could, they were talking to the hostess at the stand. They were then brought inside to be seated. He would have to talk to them later. Since she didn’t have experience with wine, she had to ask the waiter for his recommendation. She decided to try it. Thank you. Justin then ordered his drink.

After the waiter left, they heard his name. They looked up to see Bradley and another woman. He played it off as a coincidence and they decided to play along. Bria introduced herself to the other woman. It’s nice to meet you. Bradley asked how long they had been dating.

“Since we both found out you were cheating on me. Didn’t you get my note I left you?”

Ouch! Justin had to hold in his laugh. Bradley excused themselves. She asked if that was petty. It was but it was great! She laughed and then went back to the menu to find something to eat. When the waiter came back with their drinks, they ordered their meal. While they ate, they learned about each other. She was upfront with him about her history of escorting. He asked what that meant.

She dated wealthy men for money. Why did she do that? She needed money for rent and bills. What about her parents? She never met her parents. Her mother surrendered her to the police after she was born. She died a year or two later from a heroin overdose. Her father died from heart problems a few years ago. She didn’t know he existed until she was contacted about her inheritance. Who took care of her? She was in foster care until she became emancipated at sixteen.

The reason why she quit was because her friends were worried about her safety. He took that information in before deciding it didn’t matter. She joked about keeping him forever. He laughed. Was he from New York? No, he was from Michigan. He grew up there with his parents and older brother. Then, he came to New York for college at NYU Tisch School of Arts.

They learned he was Jewish while she was not religious. She didn’t grow up with it, though she had friends who were Jewish and Christian. Was he vegan? Yes, he was. Was it that obvious?

“I’m asking because my two friends are vegan and Jewish.”

“What denomination are they?”

“I think they are Ashkenazi Jewish, but I’m not one hundred percent sure.”

“I’m reform Jewish. It means you are continually searching for knowledge and improving the world.”

“I’m going to have to look into that.”

He laughed and asked if she wanted to convert. She wasn’t there yet. Okay, he would give her that. While in the bathroom, she was asked by the woman Bradley was with if it was true he cheated on her. Yes, it was. They were engaged for two years when she found out. The woman told her he had approached her at a bar and they had slept together at her place.

Bria felt like she was going to be sick. The woman apologized because she didn’t know he was engaged. Bria joked about needing a very heavy drink. All she had was OxyContin. She handed her two pills. Bria put them into her pocket to take later. Thank you.

Before they left, they exchanged phone numbers. The woman let her know she could hook her up with whatever she needed. She would let her know. Since she was on a date, she would have to wait to take the pills. She did hours later after Justin left. It felt amazing! She felt happiness she never felt before. It was as if nothing could get in her way. She texted the woman back and asked her what else she had. After giving her the address, she replied she was on her way over.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia

[stockwellarchives]

"Even if it means making a play on words with the title of the play he's starring in, it has to be said - Dean Stockwell just doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who blows his own horn.

"Relishing his first coffee of the day after the previous night's performance in Come Blow Your Horn at Stage West, Stockwell answers softly, reticently almost, questions about his work and enthusiasms, and you gradually learn - accidentally, at times, it seems - such contrasting goodies as:

"He has a black belt in one of the more unusual martial arts.

"He recently designed an album cover for a well-known recording artist.

"He's into more than acting - lighting and directing, for instance.

"A chance comment on his Indian jewelry brings to light the fact that he is something of a collector of Indian arts and crafts, particularly those of the Southwestern United States. The turquoise and silver ring on his right hand is very old and rare enough to be featured in a book on the topic. It was fashioned in 1920 - '16 years older than I am,' Stockwell notes with a grin.

"Stockwell himself is something of an 'oldie' in the entertainment business - in terms of experience. His career began at age six with one line in a Broadway play. He became a child star in films, and made more than 20 movies in those years - Anchors Aweigh, The Green Years, The Boy With Green Hair... His adult years have included a wide variety of films from Compulsion to Sons and Lovers to Long Day's Journey Into Night.

"And he's had his share of bizarre roles both in movies and television - satanist, psycho, crazy killer...

"His latest movie role, in Tracks, (distribution rights for Canada and the United States haven't been worked out yet) is very likely his most unusual role to date in that, as Dean says, it's 'a characterization that defies description.' The film is 95 percent improvised, 'a multi-level thing' that makes a strong anti-war statement.

"His own creation

"Dean plays an underground activist whom Dennis Hopper meets while travelling on the train back home with the body of a buddy killed in Vietnam. Of all his roles this is Dean Stockwell's favorite, because it is his own creation.

"He feels Tracks will do well in Europe and Canada; he isn't sure - but hopes - that American moviegoers are ready for it.

"Tracks was entered in the elite section at the Cannes Film Festival in May. Stockwell and Hopper attended 'and terrorized Cannes together.' The two are old friends. There are prospects they will be together on another project this winter, in a movie starring - Bob Dylan!

(Another musical connection is Neil Young. Dean designed the cover for Young's next album, American Stars and Bars. There's a bar scene complete with drunk, spittoon and dancehall-type of girl, a sky full of stars. Had Dean ever attempted anything like that before? No.)

He had never attempted Philippine stick-fighting either, a few years ago, when he got involved in doing a martial-arts movie, but 'it almost seemed I had done it before. The master said he had never seen anything like it.'

"He eventually earned a black belt in the art and gave a demonstration with the master about three years ago at the world karate championships - 'sparring with machete blades.'

"As for other risky interests, there was motorcycle riding, until he fell off one too many times and sold the bike about a year and a half ago. Tennis is his main sport those days.

"He also has been on safari- strictly the camera variety. He had been working in South Africa on an action movie called One Away. (He rolls his eyes and you get the distinct message that this movie’s not one of his favorites.) 'After six weeks pent up in Johannesburg going crazy' he hired a guide and a four-wheel drive and covered 1,200 miles on a camera safari in Botswana.

"His travels have taken him to Canada before, but never to the West, and he plans to see as much as he can before going back home to California.

"Home on coast

"Home is a 'little old wooden house' on the coast near Malibu with a fireplace, a lot of art - 'everything I own is contemporary, it tends toward realism' - and his favorite lady, girlfriend Toni Basil, actress-dancer-choreographer. Dean did the direction and lighting not long ago for her one-woman show, and has done lighting for her dance group.

"Dinner theatre is also an almost-new experience for Dean Stockwell. He has done it once before, in Atlanta. The opportunity to do comedy doesn't often come his way, and he's really enjoying the run here: 'The feedback (that audience laughter) is delightful.'"

Koenig, Jean. "'Role' to play in many fields." Edmonton Journal. September 18, 1976.

[thisguyatthemovies]

Four for the price of one

“The Last Black Man in San Francisco” (on disc/streaming Aug. 13, 2019; rated R; directed by Joe Talbot; run time 2 hours) is a cinematic love letter to San Francisco, one full of postcard-worthy imagery and tender moments but also one that questions what the City by the Bay has become. The story follows friends Jimmie Fails (as a version of himself) and Jonathan Majors (as Mont). They are adult black males, underemployed but clinging to big dreams. Mont is a sweet, odd man who is an artist and wants to be a playwright. Jimmie is pensive and sensitive. And he is homeless, sleeping on the floor next to Mont’s bed in the home of Mont’s grandfather (Danny Glover). Jimmie and Mont often wheel around town on Jimmie’s skateboard. Jimmie has a fascination for an old Victorian home in the Filmore part of the city, a neighborhood once predominantly black but one now that has been revamped through gentrification. Without the owners’ permission, Jimmie starts fixing up the house. When it becomes vacant, he and Mont move in and plan to get the property through squatting. Their plan is foiled, though, by an aggressive real-estate agent who wants to sell the $4 million home – a price Jimmie can’t possibly afford. While “The Last Black Man in San Francisco” is a story about gentrification (the black population in the city has fallen from about 15 percent in the 1970s to 5 percent today, and a one-bedroom apartment can cost more than $4,000 a month in previously blighted areas of the city), but it makes its social commentary subtly and uniquely (but offers no answers), and through the friendship between Jimmie and Mort. A sort of Greek chorus of young men who hang out on the street ruthlessly insult each other and Jimmie and Mort, and they and others sometimes let the two know they aren’t as “black” or “masculine” as young black men are traditionally expected to be. Fails and Majors are excellent even when they aren’t saying much with words. First-time feature director Joe Talbot (a childhood friend of Fails) fills the movie with warm but decidedly urban imagery. The entire movie seems to have been filmed just before dusk on a warm autumn day. “The Last Man in San Francisco” was released to talk of being a Best Picture contender. And it is worthy of the academy’s consideration. Rating: 95 out of 100.

“Ready or Not” (in theaters Aug. 21, 2019; rated R; directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett; run time 1 hour, 35 minutes) is a horror story (and a gruesome one at that) that also is a thinly disguised condemnation of old wealth. It stars Samara Weaving as Grace, a young woman who is about to marry into money. That money belongs to the Le Domas family, who inherited their riches from a relative who made his fortune through board games – and apparently made a deal with the devil in the process. After she marries black sheep Alex Le Domas (Mark O’Brien), the family informs Grace she must participate in a Le Domas wedding night tradition. Grace and her new in-laws will play a game randomly chosen from a stack of cards. When Grace draws a hide-and-seek card, she laughs it off. But soon she realizes the game is deadly. Grace must stay hidden from her armed pursuers in the darkly lit family mansion (candles everywhere despite the film being set in the present day) until dawn the next day. If she survives, terrible things will happen to the Le Domas family. “Ready or Not” is brutal in its violence but also aspires to be a dark comedy, and in the end it does both better than average, but not a lot better than average. It seems to work best as an action/suspense film when the family is chasing Grace. The black comedy has its moments, but the laughs are sporadic and the dialogue annoying (and full of F-bombs). Also grating are some of the characters, particularly Alex’s Aunt Helene (Nicky Guardagni), who glares at Grace throughout and looks ridiculous in swept-back hair and too much eyeliner (there are many smoky eyes throughout). Weaving is the film’s strong suit, but she delivers a ridiculous one-word last line, one that simultaneously goes for a cheap laugh and groans. “Ready or Not” is bloodier and more contemporary but mines much of the same territory as last year’s “The Favourite.” Both want us to know that the wealthy are weird at best and dangerous at worst. Rating: 74 out of 100.

“Overcomer” (in theaters Aug. 23, 2019; rated PG; directed by Alex Kendrick; run time 1 hour, 55 minutes) is a movie with a message, one it doesn’t reveal (though a few hints are apparent) until about a third of the way through. And then it hammers home that message time and time again. “Overcomer” is a faith-based film directed by Alex Kendrick and co-written by him and his brother, Stephen Kendrick, who have made a series of Christian dramas that are produced inexpensively but do moderately well at the box office. Alex Kendrick also stars as John Harrison, a basketball coach at a Christian high school. The city where it is located is experiencing hard times. When the largest employer shuts down, Harrison’s best players start moving away and the school starts cutting jobs. The principal (Priscilla Shirer) assigns Harrison the school’s cross-country team. But just one runner, Hannah Scott (Aryn Wright-Thompson), a sophomore move-in with asthma and a penchant for small-time theft, tries out. Harrison is trying to come to grips with his situation when he, by chance, meets a hospitalized middle-aged man (Cameron Arnett) who just happens to be a former cross-country runner and expert on the sport. When Harrison seeks his help, he gets more than he bargained for. At this point in the story, “Overcomer” shifts from a potential teen sports drama to an all-out story of faith. Much of the dialogue in the second two-thirds is praying or talking about praying (and much crying), and Hannah finds the Lord with the help of her principal. The climactic scene takes place at the state cross-country finals. And since we only get to know one of the many runners, and since she is the only one who we are certain has found Christ, guess who wins the state championship? “Overcomer” is predictable and full of many plot conveniences, and the acting, to put it kindly, is not major motion picture caliber. But it is a nice enough film. And if you are in the choir it preaches to, the message will mean much more than the way it is delivered. Rating: 35 out 100.

“Suspiria” (2018; rated R; directed by Luca Guadagnino; run time 2 hours, 32 minutes) is a film that is not for everyone. And when I say not for everyone, I mean it’s a film not for many people at all. But if you are into artsy, pretentious (to say the least), macabre stories about witchcraft and the ritualistic mutilation of human bodies set against a backdrop of a 1970s German dance troupe, this is the movie you’ve been waiting for. “Suspiria” is a reboot (not really a remake) of director Dario Argento’s 1977 horror classic of the same name. In this version, Susan (Dakota Johnson) is a young American dancer who comes to Berlin in the 1970s to study at a prestigious dance academy, Markos Tanzgruppen. Something is amiss from the get-go, as Susan is replacing a dancer who left the academy under mysterious circumstances. A power struggle is taking place among the academy’s leadership, but for now it is being run by Madame Blanc (Tilda Swinton). She becomes enamored with Susan, whose talent is immediately apparent. But Madame Blanc has more in mind for Susan than her becoming the academy’s star dancer. In the meantime, an elderly, grieving psychotherapist, Dr. Josef Klemperer (played by “Lutz Ebersdorf”), is treating the displaced dancer, Patricia Hingle (Chloe Grace Moretz), who is convinced the academy is being run by a cloven of witches. Soon, other dancers are meeting Patricia’s fate. What lies ahead for Susan? “Suspiria” might be the darkest movie you see, literally. The lighting budget could not have been more than a few dollars; some of the scenes are so dark as to make it difficult or impossible to tell what is going on. The Berlin setting is bleak; apparently it was never not raining in 1970s Berlin. Swinton is fantastic, of course, playing three roles, including a man. But much of “Suspiria” will be lost (or worse) on your average movie-goer. The audio alone is disturbing, with the crystal-clear sounds of breaking bones, much heavy breathing and grunting, and a wonderfully and fittingly strange-but-beautiful score by Radiohead’s Thom Yorke. And there will be blood. And guts. And lots of them. If you can stomach it, and if you don’t mind a film that seems to jump the rails but keep plowing ahead (sometimes into unintentionally funny territory) about the two-hour mark, “Supspiria” can be rewarding and mesmerizing. Everyone else should take a pass, though. Rating: 78 out of 100.

[aion-rsa]

RiffTrax: A Guide to Christmas and Holiday Episodes

https://ift.tt/3p3xspq

Since its inception, RiffTrax has regularly visited the crazy world of Christmas movies and shorts because when you get down to it, Christmas is a crazy time and Santa’s such a rich concept that it’s easy to go completely off the rails with him. Here’s a look at all the various Christmas-related movies they’ve watched. Luckily, all of them are available on-demand, so you can buy them and download the entire movie with the audio already synced up.

A handful of the shorts were featured in previous editions of RiffTrax Live, but are also available on their own. Then there’s the Christmas Shorts-stravaganza, which not only featured a bunch of Christmas-based short films, but also a film about serving pork and some kind of competitive swimming event. Weird Al was there too! At the show…not…not the swimming event.

Like when I discussed the 30 Most Insane RiffTrax Shorts, I’m going to give both the lucid explanation of what each short or movie is supposed to be in a sane, reasonable world and what we actually get.

You can check out RiffTrax’s collection of Christmas movies and shorts right her.

“Now, come on. Let me show you the rest.” “No, really, I have to go, I…”

NESTOR THE LONG-EARED CHRISTMAS DONKEY (1977)

The Idea: Remember how great the Rankin/Bass stop-motion version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was? It was such a classic that people watch every year as a holiday tradition. Expanding on that world, the same company released Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, figuring they’d spin another classic out of a more religious context. In it, Nestor undergoes some hardships due to the massive size of his ears, but is chosen to help Joseph and the pregnant Mary make it to Bethlehem.

The Output: You remember how Rudolph went, right? He was teased for a bit for being different, but that led to him discovering lovable, memorable characters and getting into fantastic adventures before proving his worth and showing that his so-called deformity was really his greatest strength. Okay, now imagine that exact story, only remove the lovable, memorable characters.

Then take that part of the movie where he’s teased and stretch it so it makes up 95% of the story. Hell, just make the thing completely depressing. There. You have Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.

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Movies

MST3K: A Christmas Episodes Guide for Mystery Science Theater 3000

By Gavin Jasper

Movies

The 21 Best Christmas Horror Movies

By Rosie Fletcher and 5 others

This is an earlier RiffTrax release, so the only one on it is Mike. Hearing one riffer can be a little off-putting, but it’s worth it to see such a terrible rewrite of Rudolph without any of the magic. Oh, and spoilers for a 40-year-old holiday special, but Nestor ends up becoming best buddies with the man who killed his mother and it’s never explained because it’s at the very end of the movie. I guess Jesus being born really packed a punch.

“Introducing Chewbacca’s family!” “And many scream-yourself-awake nightmares!”

STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)

The Idea: In a time when Empire Strikes Back was far from release but the studios wanted to keep Star Wars in the public’s mind so they’ll keep buying their merchandise, it was decided to bring the cast in for a prime-time holiday special in the ’70s. Based on Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca home to his family in time for Wookie Life Day, the special features everyone from Luke to Vader with special guest stars Art Carney and Bea Arthur. It also has an animated short that gives us the very first appearance of Boba Fett!

The Output: Whenever I try to explain the Star Wars Holiday Special to someone who has never seen it or even heard of it, I point out that George Lucas, known for being a pretty greedy guy, refused to make money off of it in any way. He would never release the Holiday Special in any format because he was that disgusted by it. I don’t blame him because if not for Mike, Kevin, and Bill, I wouldn’t have been able to sit through it myself.

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TV

Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader Had a Rematch Before A New Hope

By John Saavedra

TV

100 Best Christmas TV Episodes of All Time

By Wesley Mead

Each segment appears to be more horrific than the last. We get huge stretches of time where Chewbacca’s family just kind of meanders around their household, growling at each other, with no subtitles. There are “comedy” and musical bits that are just a slog to sit through. One such bit appears to be Chewbacca’s father Itchy watching virtual reality porn. Not even kidding. Mark Hamill is covered in enough makeup to put the studio in the red from their cosmetics budget, Harrison Ford looks like he’d rather be doing anything else, Carrie Fisher is pretty high, and Bea Arthur sings lyrics over the “Cantina Song.” It’s a glorious Hell.

As the cherry on top, the version they watch has all the 1970s commercials completely intact. One of which features Schneider from One Day at a Time!

“He always has loads of fun.” “Why, here he is in Dallas in 1963!”

A VISIT TO SANTA (1963)

The Idea: A couple of kids send a letter to Santa Claus, asking to visit him at the North Pole before Christmas. Santa decides it’s a good idea and has them picked up and brought over in a magic helicopter. He shows Dick and Ann around his home and talks for a moment about how he spreads yuletide cheer through Thanksgiving parades. Then they ride around on a rocket and look at Santa’s prized train set.

The Output: It’s summed up perfectly when Kevin notes, “Interesting. I didn’t know that David Lynch made a Christmas film.” The whole production is very creepy, reminiscent of Manos: Hands of Fate’s cinematography. With all the many Santas that the RiffTrax guys have seen over the years, this one is probably the least jolly (that is, until A Song for Santa). He comes off as a deranged murder suspect trying to lay low with a disguise. In fact, everything about this short is suspect, like the elves, who are really just little kids in miniskirts.

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Movies

Why Chronicles of Narnia’s Santa Claus Celebrates Christmas with Weapons of War

By Juliette Harrisson

Movies

Christmas Movies: A Complete Holiday Streaming Guide

By Alec Bojalad and 1 other

Dick and Ann only have a few lines in the opening and thank God for that. We can understand maybe five percent of anything they have to say.

“Ah, good. Finally, on the silver screen, the be-top-hatted spider-dog of my nightmares. Unless…I’m just having another nightmare.”

CHRISTMAS TOYSHOP (1945)

The Idea: As two kids are put to bed on Christmas Eve, their father tries to set up the tree and all the gifts downstairs. He stumbles around and the ruckus makes them think – in their dreams – that Santa just fell down the chimney. Sharing the same dream, they go downstairs and greet Santa. The little girl asks about where the toys come from and Santa tells the story of a magical toy shop. From here, it becomes a cartoon about living toys having fun when the shop owner is gone.

The Output: The animated sequence is your usual old, black and white cartoon fare. A bunch of toys do stuff for several minutes, including a forgettable musical number, then a plot suddenly happens at the end. Here, it’s an evil spider showing up to try and kidnap a toy of Little Miss Muffet, causing the toy soldiers to come to her rescue.

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Movies

20 Christmas Movies for Badasses

By Michael Reed

Movies

The Mystery Picture on the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation DVD Cover

By Daniel Langrish-Beard

Somehow, the live-action segment is supposed to be a framing device and everything about the cartoon is being related by Santa. Why he’s telling them about a spider kidnapping a toy, I don’t know, but there you go.

This won’t be the last questionable piece of Santa Claus storytelling. We’ll get to that in a bit.

“Wow. I have literally never seen anything as small and of no account as this tree.”

CHRISTMAS RHAPSODY (1947)

The Idea: A lonely, tiny tree sits in the middle of the snowy forest, feeling itself worthless and meaningless. To its surprise, it’s taken in by a family and set up in their cabin. They decorate it for Christmas and give it the meaning it had been wanting for all this time.

The Output: You know, this one is almost decent, at least in concept. The basic Christmas moral buried in there is rather touching. Too bad the short has two things working against it. One, it’s really boring. Two, the tree is such a sad sack and won’t shut up about how much it sucks. It keeps explaining itself as being small and of no account, which will get your eyes rolling after the eighth time it repeats that.

There’s really nothing else to talk about here. Well, maybe the father’s creepy scalp.

“I need you tonight.” “WHOA!”

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (1948)

The Idea: No, not the Rankin/Bass cartoon we all know and love. This animated short is a completely different adaptation of the Rudolph song, predating the stop-motion special by decades. Rudolph is still made fun of for his nose and Santa needs his help due to a foggy night, but don’t expect to see his elf dentist buddy or the abominable snowman.

The Output: Other than the missing characters (which isn’t a criticism, since this came first and those guys weren’t mentioned in the song), the biggest difference in this telling is Rudolph’s status. The Rankin/Bass version made sense in that Santa had a bunch of reindeer living at the North Pole, so of course Santa would come across Rudolph. Here, Rudolph lives in a reindeer civilization. According to this short, animals live like humans around the globe in different sectors (ie. a rabbit-only town) and the only known human being is Santa Claus.

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TV

Doctor Who: revisiting Steven Moffat’s Christmas specials

By Mark Harrison

Movies

17 Movies Secretly About Christmas You Need to Watch

By Mike Cecchini and 4 others

Oh, man. Maybe this is a sequel to Peace on Earth. Pretend you know what I’m talking about.

Another high spot is Rudolph’s mother, who is for some reason shown completely dressed, walking on her hind legs, and having almost human proportions. The riffers all find themselves sexually confused by this.

“Watch this!” “I saw Bam Margera do this on Jackass!”

A CHRISTMAS DREAM (1946)

The Idea: A little girl is happy to receive a few new toys on Christmas. So happy that she discards her older, rattier doll. As she goes to sleep that night, Santa decides to teach her a lesson about the value of one’s belongings by giving her a dream where her old doll comes to life to plead for her attention.

The Output: This is live-action and the doll is depicted with stop-motion animation. To this short’s credit, the animation is incredibly well done, especially for such an old film. It’s also really horrifying and the riffers don’t stop harping on that. The little girl is so excited when any sane person would be in a fear coma.

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Movies

The Strange History of the Die Hard Movies

By Ryan Lambie

TV

Doctor Who: revisiting Russell T. Davies’ Christmas specials

By Mark Harrison

Also, Santa can make you dream whatever he wants. I didn’t know that. That’s disturbing and a far bigger threat than getting coal in your stocking. All he needs are elves in the background, playing jump rope.

“One, two…you better not shout… Three, four…you better not cry… Five, six…you better not pout… Seven, eight…I’m telling you why…”

“Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!” “Well, Happy Christmas to the one household I visited! The rest of the planet can ram it for all I care!”

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1946)

The Idea: We all know the famous poem A Visit from St. Nicholas by Clement Clarke Moore. This is another adaptation of it, though without the bickering cartoon mice. Rather, we see Santa as he visits a home, delivers gifts, and flies off into the night.

The Output: This is one of the most reasonable of all the entries here because there isn’t much you can do to screw up that classic. The only questionable stuff is how rather than have any kind of special effects budget, shots of Santa flying off on his sleigh are done through animation and go back to live-action in close-ups. Otherwise, it’s fairly forgettable amongst the other freaky shorts and movies they watch.

Still, it is a dick move of Santa to give one kid a tiny toy shovel for Christmas. Who the hell would want that?

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150-plus movies, RiffTrax has nothing to say.” “Just this…enjoy.”

SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)

The Idea: Santa is stranded in the sands of Florida. His sleigh is partially buried in the sand and his reindeer have abandoned him. He calls over a group of children to help him get the sleigh out of the ground, but to no avail. Santa insists that they don’t give up and relates their situation to the story of Thumbelina (or Jack and the Beanstalk). Luckily, the kids know one magical creature who just might be able to help Santa and make sure Christmas is saved.

The Output: God, where do I even start with this? It’s hard to sit through, but this is one of the most must-see riffs.

The Ice Cream Bunny is practically a mascot for RiffTrax (sorry, Disembaudio). It’s bad in every way. It’s an inconceivable mess. The Santa parts are embarrassing to watch and make you feel really uneasy in its disturbing, low-rent cheesiness. Then you’re rescued from it thanks to Santa telling the story of Thumbelina. By that I mean that they play a completely separate movie with a higher budget that has absolutely nothing to do with the Santa situation. This “flashback” is 50 minutes long and the entire movie is an hour and a half, so yeah. The Thumbelina stuff is also creepy to watch, if not boring at times, but it’s worth powering through.

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Movies

A Complete History of RiffTrax Live

By Gavin Jasper

Movies

The Rod Serling Christmas Movie You Never Saw

By Chris Farnell

Once we return to Santa, we’re finally introduced to the Ice Cream Bunny. Words cannot do this justice. It’s a guy in a terrible rabbit suit driving a fire truck filled with kids when the guy most certainly can’t see what he’s doing and almost runs over a dog. There’s this really unsavory feeling watching what’s supposed to be a delightful movie for children and Bill kills it by adding a horrifying, demented laugh whenever the Ice Cream Bunny is on screen.

RiffTrax has two different versions of the movie. One is the classic VOD released in 2010, where the movie takes a lengthy break to show us the stuff with Thumbelina. In 2015, they did a RiffTrax Live edition with a different print of the movie. In it, the Thumbelina stuff was replaced with Jack and the Beanstalk. Comparing the two is a no-brainer as Jack and the Beanstalk is far more entertaining on its own and is 70s as hell. Plus the RiffTrax Live version includes several bonkers shorts beforehand.

“The sequel to The Ice Cream Bunny’s Amos and Andy!”

SANTA CLAUS’ PUNCH AND JUDY (1948)

The Idea: Santa visits a large group of children (orphans?) and delivers their presents, but one of them asks for a Punch and Judy puppet show. Santa uses his magic to summon such a performance to the delight of the children.

The Output: Have you ever watched a Punch and Judy show? Yeah, nobody goes out of their way to see one. There’s nothing all that wrong with the kids, Santa, or the setup in this short. The focus is just on what I imagine to be a skilled exhibition of puppeteering that hasn’t aged well. Just a puppet beating his girlfriend with a stick, as well as various animals, and we get a break where two minstrel show puppets have a boxing match. So yeah, fun for children.

“He’s like some horrible Soviet Bloc animated version of Santa.” “His nose looks like an infected thumb!”

THE SHANTY WHERE SANTY CLAUS LIVES (1933)

The Idea: A poor little boy live alone and in the cold, doomed to freeze on Christmas Eve. Luckily, he’s discovered by Santa, who takes him away to his own home, where the kid sees all sorts of wonders.

The Output: First thing’s first, the Santa Claus in this movie is rather horrific, one of the scariest of all the Santas in all of these movies, which is impressive for a cartoon. Despite being the title character, he only gets about a minute of screen time anyway. The rest is either the kid being depressed and cold or the kid watching yet another old-timey cartoon scenario where the toys just kind of do stuff and sing for several minutes until something resembling a plot happens at the end. In this case, the tree accidentally catches on fire and the boy has to help put it out.

The most striking thing about this short is the never-ending parade of racism. Lot of uncomfortable toys lounging in the shanty where Santy Claus lives.

“Ooooooh, I’m full grown, all right!” “Kids, if you ever hear someone say that in that voice, call the cops.”

MAGIC CHRISTMAS TREE (1964)

The Idea: A child befriends a witch around Halloween and is given a seed that will eventually sprout a magical Christmas tree. Not only does it talk, but it will also grant him three wishes! Unfortunately, the power goes to the boy’s head and his poor decisions put Christmas in some serious danger.

The Output: While it may not be the absolute best RiffTrax, it’s the best kind of bad movie for them to tackle. The movie is incredibly strange, but it gradually builds on it. In the beginning, it’s almost straightforward, but it gets more and more questionable as the minutes pass. For instance, there’s a scene where the main character’s family leaves to go Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. The boy makes a wish to have ultimate power for a limited time (why a limited time? I don’t know) and uses his power to make it day and then goes around messing with people who are doing their usual daily routines, not at all aware that it’s supposed to be the night before Christmas.

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Movies

The Best Alternative Christmas movies

By Mark Harrison

Movies

Disney+ Christmas Movies for Kids: The Best Family Films to Watch this Holiday Season

By Alana Joli Abbott

By the end, we have a greed-loving giant living in the mountains showing up out of nowhere. What Christmas movie isn’t complete without a greed-loving giant living in the mountains showing up out of nowhere?

“And in the second place, ice cream break was over more than an hour ago!” “Ah, kids love it when furries have labor disputes.”

SANTA’S ENCHANTED VILLAGE (1964)

The Idea: As a sequel/extension of the Mexican Santa Claus movie (more on that later), we see a village where Santa’s various helpers get toys ready for the holiday season. Unfortunately, Stinky the Skunk would rather take extremely long breaks, much to the chagrin of his supervisor, the Ferocious Wolf.

The Output: By “sequel” I mainly mean that the guy who made this had the rights to the Santa Claus movie and would occasionally toss in clips from it. The original footage in this short (and the two that follow) are incredibly low-rent, mainly in the form of the mascot costume characters and their terrible voices. Most notable is how the Ferocious Wolf is accompanied by loud, obnoxious accordion noises whenever he walks around. Which is a lot.

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Movies

The Best Christmas Movie Soundtracks of All Time

By Ivan Radford

TV

The Best Christmas Movies Available on Netflix

By Alec Bojalad

One of the true highlights is when the Ferocious Wolf visits Santa’s office and rants about how Stinky the Skunk is such a bad employee. Santa’s reaction is to just sit there the entire time, nodding and laughing his ass off like a lunatic. Which reminds me, the Ferocious Wolf complaining about his ulcer is – I kid you not – his catchphrase.

“Hey! Right here at this moment, this officially became the craziest thing ever made by man.” “Seriously, Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas.”

SANTA CLAUS AND HIS HELPERS (1964)

The Idea: The Ferocious Wolf, Stinky the Skunk, and Puss’n Boots get in a big argument and Santa is none too pleased. Watching from space along with his good friend Merlin, Santa decides to go give his angry employees a visit and set them straight.

The Output: This installment of the Santa’s Village of Madness Trilogy is easily the least coherent. Seeing the costumed characters is complete bedlam and even the riffers give up in awe of the chaos. Not only is half of the footage of this short taken directly from Santa Claus, but a couple minutes are taken from Santa’s Enchanted Village! But hey, no angry accordion music this time, so that’s something.

“Whoa! He’s got a face like a squid’s anus!”

SANTA’S MAGIC KINGDOM (1966)

The Idea: Puss’n Boots is the head of security in Santa’s Village and he confronts a visitor. It turns out to be a princess on the run from a giant ogre that’s out to destroy Santa Claus and end Christmas! Puss needs to gather an army together to face this beast and save Christmas.

The Output: So this giant ogre? They never actually show him. Well, except for a shot of a lame dinosaur statue that we see for a second. I don’t know if that’s actually supposed to be the ogre. Whatever. Otherwise, the narrative is just another fever dream filmed with the tiniest budget. Merlin ends up being the one to challenge the big monster and what a fight it is! I think. They never actually show any of it. We just hear them off-screen while everyone else reacts. The elves couldn’t even do that right.

“Ladies and gentlemen, a third-string ballerina on painkillers.”

SANTA CLAUS AND THE FAIRY SNOW QUEEN (1951)

The Idea: A six-inch tall woman called the Snow Queen visits Santa on Christmas Eve, but is annoyed to see him sleeping in her presence. As a joke, she gives life to a handful of nearby toys. The various toys dance and laugh, but are reluctant to be given off to children as lifeless gifts. Not only have they taken to being alive, but they’ve also grown attached to each other. Whatever will Santa and the Snow Queen do?

The Output: This whole thing is incomprehensible and it doesn’t help that the Snow Queen has a really thick European accent that you can barely cut through. The real star of this short is the Candy Lion. See, while you have understandable, recognizable toys hanging around like a toy soldier, a ballerina, a ragdoll, a Jack-in-the-box, and so on, you also have the Candy Lion. Described as a half-mummified Chewbacca, the dead-eyed toy stands around in the background for the most part and gets one memorable line when he excitedly brags to Santa, “I can eat candy!”

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TV

13 Craziest Interpretations of Santa Claus to Ever Slide Down a Chimney

By Daniel Kurland

Culture

The Beatles Christmas Messages Were Carols to Be Played at Maximum Volume

By Tony Sokol

The Jack-in-the-box is easily one of the more annoying characters in RiffTrax history, though. Goddamn that repeating freak. This is all hosted by Snoopy, a high-pitched “brownie” (which appears to be no different than an elf) who I’m not sure if I’m repulsed by or attracted to.

“My finger isn’t tired!” “Oh, God! What is he about to do?!”

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)

The Idea: On Mars, children have become joyless and robotic due to the planet’s lack of fun and insistence on constant studying and good behavior. The only thing that brings them any happiness is watching Earth programs, such as news on this Santa Claus character. Afraid for the future of his planet, Kimar and his crew visit Earth to kidnap Santa (and eventually two children) and bring him to Mars so that he can spread joy to their world…whether he wants to or not!

The Output: While this movie may be on the IMDB bottom 100, I consider it a guilty pleasure. As I discussed when speaking with Kevin Murphy, I think at its core, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a great concept for a children’s movie. It has its own unique whimsy. Unfortunately, it’s hurt by bad, hammy acting and the kind of bad costuming and effects you’d expect from a movie like this.

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Movies

10 remarkable things: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

By Ryan Lambie

TV

The Best Christmas Movies Available on Amazon Prime

By Alec Bojalad

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the only RiffTrax movie to also be featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Cinematic Titanic (the offshoot where the other MST3K cast members went off to), and RiffTrax, all with their own unique set of jokes. There’s a good reason for that. The movie is incredibly silly and ripe for mockery, yet at the same time completely and utterly watchable. The RiffTrax version features the movie in its entirety, rather than the abridged version from MST3K.

“Don’t you wish that your school bus looked like this?!” “Packed with bearded lunatics and flanked by grim clowns? No!”

FUN IN BALLOON LAND (1965)

The Idea: A little boy goes to sleep and dreams of a world of giant balloon people and other children to play with. After getting into a variety of adventures, he and a little girl watch a holiday parade filled with all sorts of balloon floats.

The Output: This 1960s nightmare is the perfect B-side to Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. The first third of it is complete and utter nonsense. This little boy would just wander around a warehouse, stumble upon some kind of big balloon statue, someone would voice said statue by shouting from across the room off-screen, and then it would move on to a completely unrelated scene. There is a group of ballerinas who show up to dance for absolutely no reason. At one point the boy is inexplicably walking around in only a gold lamé diaper and Kevin wonders, “Is this movie even legal?” The boy proceeds to hit on mermaids and plays hide-and-seek with a lobster thing.

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Culture

25 Unsung Christmas Icons

By Gavin Jasper

TV

The Best Christmas Movies Available on Hulu

By Alec Bojalad

Then it becomes old footage of a holiday parade that lasts about a half hour and has more clowns and majorettes than I have ever seen in one place at one time. It’s pretty dry, but the woman narrating it is completely insane and the RiffTrax crew show absolutely no mercy in painting her as some kind of drunk lunatic. She ends the movie with a “guessing game” where she keeps changing the rules every three seconds and you don’t even know what the hell is going on.

“Still going? If this was a game of Ski Free, the Abominable Snowman would have gobbled them up hours ago.”

ZLATEH THE GOAT (1973)

The Idea: A boy named Aaron reluctantly has to bring his family’s prized goat Zlateh to the butcher in order to sell her. During the journey, the weather takes a horrible turn and Aaron and Zlateh are forced to hide out under a pile of hay for several days. The two form a bond that allows them to survive the ordeal.

The Output: This Hanukkah story is absolutely miserable. Despite being just a short, it feels like it goes on forever and pads itself out with many shots of the kid having to drag the goat through the snow. And you know how I just said that they form a bond that allows Aaron to survive? Yeah, that’s from him drinking milk directly from Zlateh. It’s nasty.

“It’s fun to make things of sugar. And they are good to eat.” “WHAT?!” “Just grab a slice of instant diabetes, kids!”

AT YOUR FINGERTIPS: SUGAR AND SPICE (1970)

The Idea: The At Your Fingertips series is all about arts and crafts using stuff around the house. Here, we see how you can use sugar to create festive Christmas ornaments. Through creativity and hard work, you can make decorating a blast!

The Output: The At Your Fingertips series is all about spending way too much time on ugly and insane crap that really looks far from fun. This Christmas-related one is no different. Things come off as less festive and more gross and unpleasant. And that’s before the children start eating pure sugar. Ugh.

“If she’s already sleeping, we might be able to see her dreams.” “We’re in, children. Let’s get ready to begin our Christmas inception. I won’t lie to you: we might have to shoot our way out.”

SANTA CLAUS (1959)

The Idea: In a Mexican adaptation of the Santa Claus myth, we see the jolly one as he spends the night delivering presents. Some children get extra focus for the movie, including a little boy whose parents don’t seem to have time for him and a poor, little girl who only wants a doll to play with. As Santa tries to make right by them, he’s vexed by Pitch, a devil sent to ruin Christmas for everyone.

The Output: This is another MST3K double-dip, but for good reason. It’s delightfully insane. See, Santa is already a nutty concept, but we get into Drunk History territory here where the people behind the movie don’t quite get it and his mythology gets even stranger in translation.

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Movies

The Strangest and Most Disturbing Santa Claus Movie of Them All

By Jim Knipfel

TV

The 12 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

By Chris Longo and 1 other

Did you know Santa is good friends with Merlin the Magician? Did you know that he has a burly blacksmith working for him? Or that Santa lives in space with little children from all around the world doing his bidding? Or that he regularly fights the minions of Satan?

The MST3K version might be better, but it is nice getting to see the full cut of the movie for once.

“Who and what are you?” “I am—“ “Meryl Streep. I am good in everything.”

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1952)

The Idea: The Alastair Sim version of A Christmas Carol, otherwise known as Scrooge, is considered an outright classic. Perhaps the greatest telling of the Charles Dickens story of a hateful rich man realizing his own humanity thanks to being visited by ghosts. Here, we get to see the movie in its abridged form and get through it in minutes.

The Output: Listen, A Christmas Carol has a pretty solidified structure. Scrooge is a dick, his dead friend warns him, he gets led around by three other ghosts, and he comes out of it a better person. Abridging it simply does not work. Basically, Marley introduces him to the Ghost of Christmas Present and that’s enough to make a change. Bridget puts it best: “They edited the Dickens out of the movie!”

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Movies

A Christmas Carol: The Best and Worst Adaptations

By Robert Keeling

TV

The Most Disturbing TV Christmas Specials

By Wesley Mead

This short is part of Have a Mary Jo Christmas and a Bridget New Year, which is done by Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson instead of the usual riffers. It features some non-riff stuff in-between this and the following short…

“Man, I wish I hadn’t gone commando today…”

THE LITTLE LAMB (1955)

The Idea: During storytime, a group of children ask to hear a story about an animal while one girl wants to hear a story about Jesus. Their mother figures to cover both by telling the story of Jesus’ birth from the point of view of three shepherds. While two of them brave strong winds to save a lost, little lamb, an angel appears to them to tell them about the birth of Christ. They and their curmudgeonly associate go off to find the new king.

The Output: Honestly, this one isn’t all that bad, really. It’s a pretty solid production and the only part that really gets a rise out of Mary Jo and Bridget is when they warm baby Jesus’ body by laying the lamb next to him. It’s not the most memorable little short, but it’s fine for what it is.

Plus I’m always distracted by how much the guy playing Joseph looks like CM Punk. It’s downright uncanny in some shots.

“A real child’s actual tears! I know I’m ready for Christmas!”

I BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS (1984)

The idea: Simon is a bullied child whose parents have been kidnapped by African soldiers. Desperate to get them back, he and a friend sneak off from a school field trip and board a plane in hopes to find where Santa Claus lives. Alongside a Christmas Fairy (who looks an awful lot like Simon’s kindly teacher), Santa goes to Africa to rescue the captives. Meanwhile, the children are captured by an ogre.

The Output: Did any of that sound lucid? Because this French film is out there, man. It’s cute, but it also decides that being a kid’s movie means it doesn’t have to be logically coherent. You know, even though there’s an entire plot thread about African warlords kidnapping people. Kids like that stuff, right?

You know that, “I’m the captain now!” part of Captain Phillips? Imagine Tom Hanks replaced with Santa in that scene and you’re just hitting the tip of the iceberg of how bizarre this Christmas film is.

“Monkeys, you know, are very much like human beings in many ways. And sometimes they do the very same things that we do.” “Why, here’s a monkey Black Friday stampede!”

SANTA CLAUS’ STORY (1945)

The Idea: It begins with Twas the Night Before Christmas and ends with the, “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus,” speech. In-between, Santa tells two children about how monkeys also celebrate Christmas and have their very own Monkey Santa Claus.

The Output: Monkey Santa Claus. Really.

This short is barely being held together by a narrative. They basically have a bunch of footage of monkeys and chimps doing stuff and since this includes 20 seconds of a chimp wearing a horrifying Santa Claus mask and costume, they decide that there’s a Monkey Christmas and write everything around that.

Somehow, this was the sanest thing shown at the RiffTrax Live for Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

“Bricks on his face. Sure! He’s a dragon.” “All dragons have bricks on their face.”

THE TALE OF THE CUSTARD DRAGON (1965)

The Idea: Ogden Nash’s poem for children comes to life. A little girl has a pet dog, cat, mouse, and dragon. The dragon, named Custard, is a bit of a coward and only wants to be let alone. But then on one Christmas Eve, when his friends are attacked by an evil pirate, Custard has to stand up and save their presents.

The Output: The poem is acted out via a handful of kids in little Halloween costumes, including Custard being a dragon with a brick facemask. The short takes place in somebody’s den and aesthetically, the whole thing is a weird mess. Custard also straight-up murders the pirate, which makes sense on the page, but feels a bit off the reservation when we see a child viciously attacking an adult in a lame costume.

“AAAAAHHHH! Hannibal Lecter’s Christmas trees!” “Good God, he’s keeping them alive!”

THE CHRISTMAS TREE (1975)

The Idea: This short tells us the story of three pine trees who are cut down and go through the process of becoming Christmas trees. This means being sold, being decorated, enduring Christmas, and, sadly, being discarded. Shown in live-action, the trees are portrayed by mimes in tree costumes and facepaint.

The Output: It’s cute, but also bewildering. With zero dialogue, we watch these three guys mug at each other while Christmas stuff happens around them. As strange as it is by default, it loses its mind in the final minutes when we see the trees thrown in the garbage as they start to die. Not only do the trees-with-faces die, but we get to see their trees-with-faces ghosts fly up into the sky.

Tree ghosts. Yup.

“GAH! His face looks like a series of horrible wounds!” “That just started healing.” “What are the dots..?!”

SANTA’S CHRISTMAS CIRCUS (1966)

The Idea: Hey, kids! It’s time for Whizzo the Clown! This local TV clown has a special show in store for everyone as he and his audience of kids play around and pretend to be circus performers! Then they check out some motorized Christmas-based decorations before getting ready for the main event: riding a magic carpet and visiting Santa himself!

The Output: This one’s best summed up right after the opening credits end. As Whizzo walks out and mumbles loudly like he’s having an episode, Mike laughingly wonders if they’ve gone too far, knowing that the three of them are about to sit through some rough shit. While Whizzo certainly has energy and some kind of charisma, he’s also the poster boy for why people are frightened of clowns without having to go the easy serial killer route. No, he’s a friendly and jokey clown, but he’s also completely horrifying to look at.

This low-budget affair not only features Whizzo’s catchphrase of, “Now I have that to worry about,” but also the catchphrase of one girl in the audience loudly coughing throughout the hour. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to sit through.

“Yeah… Celebrate the nativity… That’s what daddy likes…”

GIFTS FROM THE AIR (1937)

The Idea: A poor boy wanders through the snow, enduring Christmas Eve without food, family, or toys. He comes across a toy store where a dancing toy soldier annoys the store owner enough to have him thrown out. The boy takes the soldier in to his humble home and his good deed is rewarded as the toy soldier happens to know how to summon Santa Claus himself!

The Output: Dancing toy cartoons with poor kids is nothing new for RiffTrax, but this one is certainly unique enough to be a must-watch. The moment Santa delivers the toys to the little boy, it becomes complete and utter madness. It’s a bunch of bizarre toys who talk like what appears to be 1930s celebrities. Like there’s a goat that sings like Bing Crosby, so even though I know who Bing Crosby is, that doesn’t make the toy goat make any more sense.

Read more

Movies

MST3K Turkey Day: The Long History of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Thanksgiving

By Gavin Jasper

Culture

Best Holiday Gifts for Geeks in 2020

By Chris Cummins

The highlight is when a Santa Jack-in-the-box pops out and tells another toy something so indistinct that Mike notes, “‘How the hell are you, scramble puss? Smelly Christmas to you,’ is what I heard.”

“Well. This place looks cozy. I LIVE HERE NOW!”

SANTA CLAUS’ WORKSHOP (1930s)

The Idea: Once again, we get to see how Santa Claus performs his duties. From his home in the North Pole to the home of a nice middle-class family, we see Santa get letters from kids, fly on his sleigh, and deliver the presents themselves. We also get a look at the family in question, who celebrate the holidays via singing a lovely rendition of “O Come All Ye Faithful.”

The Output: It’s your usual fare on this one and not too much that sticks out. That’s not to say that it’s meant to be skipped, as Kevin singing “Pretty Woman” over “O Come All Ye Faithful” makes this worth the dollar.

The one part of the short that makes it seem off is the revelation towards the end that Santa doesn’t simply fly across the world to deliver presents in one go, but instead flies back and forth for every single household. I mean, Santa can only carry so many presents in that sack of his, right?

“And so, they started out together, not realizing they were being followed.” “Well, they were easy to track…thanks to a long trail of spunk.” “DAMN IT, KEVIN!” “(Sorry.)”

SPUNKY THE SNOWMAN (1958)

The Idea: When a group of children write a letter to Santa, it’s up to their newly-created snowman Spunky to deliver it to Santa himself. Spunky and the little dog Jeff go on a quest, only to be opposed by a fox, an owl, and a wolf. Each creature wants to steal that letter and bring it to Santa, figuring that they can then steal the gifts. Spunky and Jeff are soon aided by a bear, but can even he keep them safe?

The Output: The guy’s name is Spunky. You know exactly what kind of jokes you’re getting the second you see that title.

Otherwise, it’s an animated story that tries to be whimsical, but is really just nonsense. It takes a bunch of Christmas cliches like magic snowmen, letters to Santa, talking animals, and desire for Christmas trees and badly pastes it all together into a confusing package.

“When you’re not shaking that over our heads to make us work, you can hobble around on it and enjoy your sciatica!” “A zinger from TV’s Frank!”

BEYOND CHRISTMAS (1940)

The idea: Three old rich men feel lonely during Christmas night and one comes up with an idea of throwing wallets with $10 bills out onto the sidewalk and inviting anyone kind enough to return them to enjoy dinner with them. The gambit pays off and leads to a romance between a Texan with a golden voice and a schoolteacher. Unfortunately, tragedy strikes the old men and they have to help the couple out from beyond the grave.

The output: This movie (originally known as Beyond Tomorrow) is actually pretty damn good. It’s a little sluggish in the second half, but it’s original, has some likeable characters, and never really gets too stupid. Even Bridget and Mary Jo find themselves getting invested in what’s going on when they should be telling jokes. With them, it feels more like you’re watching a movie together rather than just watching them rip it apart.

Personally, I think it would make for a better Christmas movie if the first act took place during Thanksgiving and built towards an ending happening during Christmas. Might have made the supernatural and uplifting stuff pop more.

“Seriously, what the Hell is going on with the mitten tree?!”

CHRISTMAS CUSTOMS NEAR AND FAR (1955)

The idea: As some children prepare for a Christmas pageant, one asks their teacher about the origins of the Christmas tree. This leads to her explaining how children from different countries celebrate Christmas in varying ways.

The output: As we all know, different = funny. While some of the customs might be normal, it doesn’t help that most of them are depicted by children dressing up as foreigners while standing in front of a curtain. So it’s a Christmas pageant within a short about the attempt to rehearse a Christmas pageant. Crazy.

Through the short, we get to see a weird kid dancing around in an elf hat, a Christmas tree covered in mittens, and a thing about how kids in China do a big ceremony to celebrate the events of Christ’s birth.

“Whaddya know?! Armed and dangerous!” “None of my quips are funny but some…make very little sense!”

JACK FROST (1997)

The idea: Not to be confused with the Michael Keaton family film from the same time, Jack Frost deals with a serial killer who escapes captivity, only to be seemingly vaporized by a chemical spill. In actuality, he survives as living snow and uses his new form to attempt revenge on the police officer that arrested him in the first place. Even when the officer and his family know what they’re up against, they don’t even know if there’s a way to stop him.

The output: I remember renting this baby back in the late-90s and, hoo boy, it’s a lot worse than I remembered it being. As a horror villain, Jack Frost wants to be like Freddy Krueger or Chucky, where he kills his victims while belting out memorable one-liners. The problem is, everything he says falls flat or is complete nonsense. He constantly stumbles on his own attempts at charisma.

Read more

Movies

MST3K: The Landmark Episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000

By Gavin Jasper

TV

Doctor Who: The Weird Anomaly of the 1965 ‘Christmas Special’

By Andrew Blair

Despite taking place in a town in winter that’s supposed to support the existence of snowmen and sledding and the like, it’s obviously taking place in a hot and sunny area with weak attempts to hide it.

It’s still better than the sequel, which was one of those cringeworthy “intentionally bad” gems.

“God… Oh no, have they been hypnotized?” “I…I…I think it might be a cult. They’re quietly chanting to that tree right now.” “…I think the tree might be marrying them.” “This is horrible!”

A CHRISTMAS FANTASY (1962)

The Idea: Two children admire their Christmas tree before falling asleep on the couch. As they dream of trees in the winter, Santa Claus appears to deliver gifts. It’s only just over five minutes, so there isn’t much happening here.

The Output: Despite its short runtime, this one really meanders. The way the kids stare at the tree like they’re about to be murdered by the Blair Witch. The endless shots of trees with no leaves on them.

The money shot of this short is when Santa shows up. Rather than just get a guy to wear a beard and call it a day, they instead have him wear a mask. It seriously looks like Leatherface is pretending to be Santa here and it’s HORRIFYING. As the guys put it, even Krampus is freaked out by this Santa.

“Santa, I wrote you a new song!” “Oh, good! A song! That’ll get me hammered.”

A SONG FOR SANTA

The idea: A trio of lost boys find themselves in a church and sit down to enjoy the warmth and chorus. One child nods off from the music and finds himself in Santa’s domain, where he offers to create a new and original Christmas song to delight Santa and his angels.

The output: The first half is normal enough, despite little of interest happening. Right when the Santa stuff happens, things get weird and creepy. Instead of elves, Santa has little girls dressed as angels and disturbingly leers at them like there’s no good that can come out of whatever’s happening. The boy’s attempt to write Santa a new song goes nowhere, as he just sings him an old song with the justification that, “I didn’t know this song until now, so it must be new to you too.”

This is another one of those oddball shorts or movies where there’s a framing device that’s forgotten about. The boy never wakes up from his dream or anything. It just ends with him hanging out with creepy Santa and his underage harem.

“Spirit…tell me if Tiny Tim will live.” “I see an empty chair in the chimney corner.” “Oh, so he not only lives, he walks?!” “No!” “It’s a Christmas miracle!” “No, no!”

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1959)

The idea: I explained Christmas Carol earlier. Luckily, we finally have a version that’s the full story and not abridged like what Bridget and Mary Jo watched.

The output: This one’s by Coronet Films, meaning it’s old as hell and feels cheap. To its credit, despite running at just over 20 minutes, it tells the complete story without feeling rushed. It just feels a bit under budget, what with the limited quality in costumes and several sets being some props on a fog-filled sound stage.

Still, it’s A Christmas Carol and you have to go out of your way to do a bad job with that. This one’s still fairly watchable, even if the riffs are well-deserved.

“This isn’t so much A Miracle on 34th Street as it is A Horse Who Took a Dump on 34th Street.”

SANTA’S SUMMER HOUSE (2012)

The idea: A group of travelers get lost in a fog and end up at the doorstep of a kindly couple who allow them to stay in their mansion for a couple days. Little do these visitors realize that their hosts are none other than Santa Claus and his wife! The two try to use their wisdom and magic to improve the lives of these visitors and mend their relationships.

The output: This piece of shit is written and directed by the same guys who gave us A Talking Cat!?! It even takes place in the same house. At least with Talking Cat!?! there were two separate houses used. Here, it’s just the one.

It’s a hell of a lineup of actors. Mrs. Claus starred in RiffTrax target Honor and Glory. The egomaniac scientist guy in this movie is the JCVD knockoff from MST3K’s Future War. Santa himself is played by Robert Mitchum’s son. Even though he isn’t all that overweight and doesn’t have a beard, he’s still identified as looking a lot like Santa.

The movie is just bad dialogue said by bad actors, occasionally broken up by wipe edits featuring Christmas Clip-Art. It never reaches Talking Cat!?! levels of batshit, but it’s still stupid as a pile of rocks.

“They’re buying a brother?!”

CHARLIE’S CHRISTMAS SECRET (1984)

The idea: A young Seth Green plays Charlie, who feels that he’s outgrown Christmas. The commercialism does nothing for him and makes him feel hollow. At first, his instincts are vindicated when he comes across various others – a bitter, old woman, a poor single mother, and a scheming homeless man – but soon he realizes the meaning of Christmas by putting their needs first.

The output: Again, this one is halfway decent. All in all, it tells a really sweet story. It just happens to have a few awkward aspects to it. The whole thing has subtitles and they almost never match what’s actually being said, instead going for the simplest way of conveying whatever thoughts. Like instead of saying, “No thank you, I’m not hungry right now,” it would just say, “No.”

The most questionable part of this special, and something that I’m glad is called out by the riffers, is that Charlie apparently has to buy his own Christmas gifts. Part of the plot is that he has his eye on a stereo and instead of asking Santa for it or having his parents buy it for him, he has to save up the money from his paper route, get the stereo, and then have his mother wrap it and place it under the tree.

What the Hell?

“No. No way. There’s no such thing as Santa Claus. You’re just someone in a Santa suit.” “That’s why YOU never get anything for Christmas!” “Also, ’cause you made Feeders!”

FEEDERS 2: SLAY BELLS (1998)

The Idea: Previously, aliens invaded and feasted on a handful of confused and horrified Earthlings. Now a second UFO has arrived to conquer again, this time with its aliens creeping around and causing havoc through a suburban town. As one family gets ready for Christmas, they gradually come to realize how doomed they truly are.

The Output: RiffTrax was kind of slick on this one. On Halloween of 2019, they put out a riff for an utterly terrible low-budget piece of garbage called Feeders, which is about a bunch of laughable alien puppets invading Earth and killing some of the ugliest people to ever show up on film. Then, just a couple months later, they released a riff on its Christmas-themed sequel.

While I do suggest watching the first one, you won’t be too lost if you don’t. A survivor from the first movie goes about summarizing the first movie’s events in a series of loose framing devices that aren’t directly connected to the rest of the movie. It is pretty funny on its own, though, because a character who died in the first movie and is featured prominently in the flashbacks is played by the very same guy who is the protagonist of this movie.

Read more

Movies

The 16 Best Winter Horror Movies

By Daniel Kurland and 3 others

TV

The Twilight Zone Marathon: A History of a Holiday Tradition

By Arlen Schumer

Not only does the climax take place on Christmas Eve, but Santa gets involved! Santa, who for some reason sounds like Homsar from Homestar Runner, is attacked by aliens (who look even worse than in the first movie) and proceeds to be the secret weapon in saving the world. He’s up there with the over-the-top boss character and the silliest-looking dead cat special effect in reasons why you should watch this one.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

“And now I will read you this editorial.” “‘The Rent is Too Damn High!’ by Virginia O’Hanlon”

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS (1974)

The Idea: A young girl, teased by her classmates, wonders about the existence of Santa Claus. Various adults try to assure her of his existence despite admitting that they’ve never actually met him. She ends up writing to the newspaper and asks them. Egged on by an ambitious paperboy, the newspaper’s editor decides to publish his response for everyone to read.

The Output: Imagine watching a Peanuts special that features absolutely none of the Peanuts cast and is at about 75% the quality. That’s what this cartoon is. It’s also very dull, what with them trying to add a narrative to the whole newspaper editorial.

There is some real heart in it, but it doesn’t work as a whole. Probably my favorite part is when the “Yes, Virginia” editorial is read out loud. Despite the simplistic animation, the people’s reactions are emotional. Some kids seem humbled. Some adult couples embrace. Then all of the sudden, the local Irish cop character does a happy jig that probably cost them half the animation budget.

“All of this was in Dickens’ first draft, by the way. Even the goofy music.”

BANKS: THE MONEY MOVERS (1977)

The Idea: Due to his familiarity as a popular literary character, Ebenezer Scrooge (er, Arthur Scrooge?) is used as a window to help people learn about how banks work and why they are a worthwhile place to put your money. As a stand-in for the viewer, Scrooge learns about deposits, withdrawals, interest, loans, and other aspects of the business.

The Output: This is all explained via a version of Christmas Carol where Scrooge is taught a lesson by ghosts for being stingy with his money. Namely that he keeps it in his mattress. As Mike points out, it’s incredibly messed up that Marley is suffering eternal damnation because he never got a Wells Fargo account. I get trying to map your lesson onto a preexisting story, but think it through a little!

Also wild in this is how despite his old-timey appearance, Scrooge exists in modern times and is even seen using a check to buy a motor scooter. It’s completely inane, but at least the guy playing Scrooge seems like he’s having a fun time.

“The birth of Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen. That’s what it’s all about.”

ALIAS ST. NICK (1935)

The Idea: As a family of adorable mice get ready for Christmas, a scheming cat decides to get through their defenses by dressing up as Santa Claus, delivering their gifts, and then devouring them. His plan appears to be working extremely well, but there’s one mouse child who doesn’t believe in Santa and is quick to see through his disguise.

The Output: Although the guys don’t bring it up, it’s kind of odd that the kid who spends the whole cartoon being loudly and annoyingly skeptic about the existence of Santa Claus is absolutely 100% vindicated. There isn’t some kind of last-second evidence of Santa or something. It just ends.

Otherwise, this is just your average off-brand Looney Tunes cartoon. Probably the most bizarre moment is when the cat puts together his Santa costume and strips a doll naked to make his beard.

“And now the ancient tradition of giving a present to Tommy Lasorda.”

DECEMBER HOLIDAYS (1982)

The Idea: A narrator explains three of the bigger December holidays: Posadas, Chanukah, and Christmas. Through what appears to be fly on the wall footage, various families celebrate these holidays with their festive traditions. The narrator tries to educate the viewer on the families’ behavior and how it relates to the origins of the holidays.

The Output: I mean, that’s…pretty much it. There’s nothing wacky about this short. It’s pretty dull, but it’s a decent enough target for Mike, Bill, and Kevin. Sometimes you don’t need an Ice Cream Bunny to have a good time.

“When are you planning on going back to Florida?” “I think we’re going to wait until you have your baby. Just want to make sure you’re okay.” “And that you don’t give birth to a CGI vampire baby.”

BABY OF THE BRIDE (1991)

The Idea: A made-for-TV movie starring Rue McClanahan is actually the second in a trilogy about a dysfunctional, all-grown-up family filled with all kinds of interpersonal problems. In the previous movie, Margaret Becker married a much younger man and it took her children some time to adjust. Now things are getting crazy as not only is one of her daughters pregnant, but Margaret is pregnant too! She, her new husband, and her four kids all have to deal with a ton of drama, which all culminates at midnight mass!

The Output: This is another Bridget and Mary Jo installment and the two have a habit of tackling movies that aren’t so much the worst thing ever, but are too corny to ignore. That’s Baby of the Bride, pretty much. It’s very much a watchable movie, but it’s also a movie about Blanche from Golden Girls being pregnant, which is buried among all kinds of different subplots about how dysfunctional her family is. This family collectively gets divorced more than they get their cars’ oil checked.

The whole narrative is about eight months long because of the whole double pregnancy thing, but the climax is during Christmas Eve, so I guess it ultimately counts as a holiday movie. It just takes a long time to get there.

“I think this guy was a boss in Cuphead.”

THE SNOWMAN (1932)

The Idea: Somewhere in the arctic, an Inuit child and his animal friends enjoy their slightly-less-chilly summer by building a snowman. After happily putting it together and throwing snowballs at it, the snowman comes alive and goes on a rampage. Can the child destroy what he created before the malevolent snow beast goes too far?

The Output: This cartoon is all over the place and is one of the absolute best holiday shorts RiffTrax has commented on. So much crazy shit is compressed into this package. Snowman buttcracks? Check. Jimmy Durante impressions? Check. Penguin church? Check. I won’t even spoil how the snowman is defeated other than saying that it’s completely ridiculous and makes zero sense.

Still, it’s better than that Snowman movie with Harry Hole getting all the clues.

The post RiffTrax: A Guide to Christmas and Holiday Episodes appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[shirlleycoyle]

The Rise of the Highly Unlikely Twitch Streamer

“If I’d known at the start of this year that I’d be paying a queer artist in Germany to draw a horse wearing clothes for Twitch, I’d have been like: what the fuck is going on?” says British musician Shura. The horse in question has become a regular character in Shura’s lockdown life, a shared joke that grew from a story told to fans on Twitch, where she now streams three times a week. 

The streaming platform, which emerged in 2011, is still mostly known as a place for gamers. But during lockdown, creatives from music, comedy, TV and so-called “variety streamers” have taken to Twitch to share their talents and engage with fans. 

Back in spring, Shura was in New York when festival performances and tour shows for her latest record forevher were abruptly cancelled. Other musicians began regular Instagram Live gigs – many unpaid. Shura did a few, but: “It was not satisfying – you’re literally performing to a wall.”

Instead, she played videogames to relax. “I knew what Twitch was, but never understood why you would want to watch anyone on Twitch,” she says. 

But while researching The Last of Us Part II, Shura browsed Twitch. She came across American gamer ChellOAG and loved her stream: “I was like, maybe I should do this? There were a lot of videogame references in my first record, so by chance I set myself up really well to become a gaming musician on Twitch!”

Her followers and subscribers are, she estimates, 95 percent prior fans of her music. Twitch has offered Shura a surprising way to forge a closer bond with them: “It was like making this giant sofa on the internet where you can hang out and still have some connection with your fanbase.”

While the music industry has focused on mailing lists to reach fans, Shura feels she’s found a more effective route through Twitch and the associated Discord server many streamers use as a place for followers to chat: “It’s been weird to realise there are these other tools that musicians have previously neglected.” She’s also determined to create a welcoming environment for fans in the gaming world, which still has pockets of misogyny, racism and homophobia: “It’s important to make this safe space where people who are queer can go and not have shit thrown at them.”

Shura has done some music streams – on the one-year anniversary of foreveher’s release, she played demos, did a Q&A and piano performance. Yet even while gaming, she’s found streaming replicates the on-stage experience: “You get that same adrenaline rush. You’re performing – if you want people to enjoy themselves, you have to find ways of engaging beyond the game.”

Sean Morley. Photo: courtesy of subject

Comedians also saw their schedules wiped during lockdown. Scottish comedian Limmy has streamed for years, but announced his retirement from TV to focus on Twitch. Others joined him there – Josie Long and Richard Herring, while Bilal Zafar has thousands watching him in character as a PES football manager.

Sean Morley, standup and co-host of Mandatory Redistribution Party podcast, also moved comedy onto Twitch during lockdown. At first: “I had friends do guest parts, I’d write loose plots – like a comedy play.” 

But after committing to twice-weekly streaming, he realised Twitch demanded a different approach. He introduced more audience interaction to two solo streams, Meme Machine and King Morl, and recently started an interactive game, Escape the North, with comics in Manchester. 

“The premise of Meme Machine is: I’m making an image for Twitter, I want to go viral, but I have no ideas,” Morley explains. “So I ask people to donate ideas, then we make memes based on that.”

Fans have immersed themselves in unexpected ways. Morley plays Creative Commons-licensed music during streams – fans made their own albums containing shared jokes and posted them on Creative Commons for Morley to find. The Meme Machine community also received a commission from composer Ben Gaunt for a video to be played at a Nottingham University symposium. “It’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen, let alone made,” says Morley.

King Morl is a little different. It uses an existing game, Crusader Kings II, but the audience can modify the world. “We let the chat choose a long-form objective. They learned early on that there were non-human characters in the game. They all said: make the pope a bear.”

Months-long storylines developed. Morley uploaded past streams to YouTube so anyone could catch up: “Even when there was 30 hours to get through, people started doing it.”

King Morl recently had its cinematic finale where a bear was finally crowned pope. “People were quite emotional – they said it helped them through a really horrible year. It was sweet. You can’t get close to that vibe with an hour-long [stand-up] show.”

Claire Lim (AKA Wee Claire) on Twitch. Photo: courtesy of Claire Lim

It’s this collaborative, community aspect that Scottish TV presenter Claire Lim loves most about streaming. Lim, known as Wee Claire on Twitch, has presented for the BBC and NME and joined Twitch in 2018. She started streaming videogames, but soon tried new formats, chatting and playing interactive games – guessing someone’s age based on their teenage crush or drawing followers’ portraits.

When she got a PC, she decided to make slicker TV-style formats: “It’s a big learning curve in terms of production, but I started to go: what can I do that’s always been a dream in my little nerdy head?”

Lim now hosts various chat shows, including the Top 10 List of All Lists and How I Met Your Streamer. There’s also the Wee Marbles Federation (“by far the most popular show”), a WWE-influenced programme that layers soap opera-style storylines onto a game called Marbles.

The pandemic encouraged Lim to learn new skills – she’s improved her editing and branched into music-making, creating a Christmas EP with input from her community, the Wee Squad. “People come to watch me, but it takes on a life of itself,” Lim says. “It’s 50 percent community, 50 percent streamer. The Wee Squad have helped me through the pandemic – economically in terms of subbing [subscribing], but also in terms of belief. The power of community is incredible.”

Like Shura, Lim also works hard to create a welcoming space for fans: “I have friends from the LGBTQ+ community, different backgrounds, ethnically and otherwise, so for me it’s important that my stream reflects my values.” Moderators (Lim highlights her “dad mod” DW who’s been with her since the start) uphold these values.

While streaming helps Lim hone presenting skills, it could one day be a career in itself. “I’ve had struggles trying to get agents and producers into what I’m doing on Twitch,” Lim says. “But if you’re looking to be an entertainer, be hugely creative and not just play games… I do think Twitch could be an alternative route. As long as you know that it’s just as hard.”

Morley has also turned Twitch into an income-maker. While streaming twice a week doesn’t equal his normal comedy earnings and there’s a battle with the algorithm to be seen, the in-stream tipping function mirrors “pay what you want”, his favoured comedy payment model. “You try to make people feel they are wilfully contributing to something they want to succeed,” Morley says. “Twitch has that from the start.”

Unlike Spotify and Apple Music, “the culture around Twitch is to support creators,” Shura says. “I’m also making significantly more from my merch than if I wasn’t on Twitch. It does help support all the other avenues at a time when your job basically doesn’t exist.”

All three artists plan to continue streaming when their industries return to normal. There’s also shared hope that Twitch will continue to diversify beyond gaming. Lim’s been watching more music streamers, such as The Village Ruse, while Shura’s given Ladyhawke tips on setting up her own channel.

Lim says: “There are so many amazing people on Twitch that are way funnier, more creative, dynamic and interesting than people I see on television. Twitch is a more diverse place if you go and find it. It’s not perfect, but the more people that come to it, the better it will be.”

@ohrhealy

The Rise of the Highly Unlikely Twitch Streamer syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

[pogueman]

The pizza-making robots that want to change the world

HBO’s comedy “Silicon Valley” makes fun of the way even boring startup tech companies adopt the same mission statement: “To make the world a better place.”

But serial entrepreneur and former Microsoft executive Alex Garden isn’t shy about stating his new company’s path to making the world a better place—through pizza. It’s not just any pizza, though. Zume pizzas are made by robots, and they’re cooked in pizza ovens inside delivery trucks.

Alex Garden (right) treats me to the finished product.

“One of the founding principles of this company is that every American has a right to a healthy meal they can afford,” he told me. “If you look at pizza, what is it? It’s high-quality bread, and high-quality organic vegetables, and meats and cheeses. All of these things are things that are good for you in moderation. And the number of calories really is a function of how much sugar is in the food. Zume Pizza is half the calories per slice, roughly half the cholesterol and half the fat, of any of the national leading chains.”

How? “The main reason is sugar,” says Garden, whose pizzas range in price from $10 for a cheese to $20 for a pineapple express.

“We don’t put any extra sugar in the sauce. We don’t put any extra sugar in the dough. And we let our dough age for 24 hours; during that process, the fermentation of the dough further reduces the sugar in it.”

He also has much to say about where he gets his ingredients—directly from the providers, without the warehouses and distribution channels that, say, Pizza Hut (YUM) or Domino’s (DPZ) employ. He uses software—predictive algorithms—to know what he’ll need when. He makes his sausage and tomato sauce in-house.

But that’s not the most headline-grabbing feature of Zume pizza, which was founded in 2015 and currently delivers in Mountain View, California, and surrounding areas. The biggest feature is the robots.

The robots

Inside the Zume kitchen, robots are displacing more human workers every passing month. These days, one robot presses out the dough into the familiar flattened circle; a second and third (Pepe and Giorgio) squirt tomato sauce or white sauce onto each pie; a fourth (Marta) spreads the sauce around (“perfectly, but not too perfectly,” Garden says). Humans apply the toppings, but then a fourth machine (Bruno) scoops up the pizza from the conveyor belt and delicately lays it into the baking oven; a fifth (Leonardo) chops it neatly into eight slices with a single, 200-pounds-of-force stroke.

Pepe squirts tomato sauce all day long.

Eventually, Garden and his cofounder Julia Collins intend to replace all of the humans in their pizza shop.

The robots are fun to watch—as long as you can avoid thinking, “This is what the end of human employment looks like.”

But Garden insists that replacing the people is also part of making the world a better place.

“The automation exists so that we can eliminate boring, repetitive jobs, and provide a more rewarding work environment for our employees,” he says. “And it exists so that we can buy higher quality ingredients. That’s the reason why we use it.”

For example, he says, “taking a pizza off of a production line and putting it into an 800-degree oven is actually not particularly rewarding, and it’s also quite dangerous. So we found a way to automate that work now that was previously done by a person.

“So what happens to the person? Well, good news. We’re a high-growth company. We have people who’ve moved from a role in the kitchen to other roles—to customer support or to finance. You come in and prove that you can work the Zume way, and we make a lifetime commitment to you in return.”

The math still didn’t work for me. “But today, 100 people work here,” I said. “If you didn’t have the robots, it would be 115.”

“That is true,” he replied, “but here’s the point you have to consider. If you took a national competitor that we compete against, what percentage of their workforce are making the absolute rock-bottom minimum wage for the place they work? $7 an hour, $7.50 an hour? Do they have benefits? Is it a safe job? What hours are they working?

“Every employee in this company makes a minimum of $15 an hour. Everyone gets full medical, dental, vision [insurance] for them and for their families. And everyone, when they hit their six-month mark, becomes a shareholder. So you can make an argument that the absolute number of employed people is the way to go; we don’t believe that.”

In half a second, this machine cuts the 14-inch pizza into 8 slices.

Inside the box

Garden and his team have obsessed over every aspect of the American pizza-delivery system—including the box. Zume’s pizza is excellent, but the box is a masterpiece. (“So you redesigned the box?” I asked him. His reply: “We didn’t redesign the box. We designed the box.”)

It’s made of compressed sugar cane (!), so it’s compostable, biodegradable, and collapsible—you can fold it up to fit your compost or trash can. Garden says that it also keeps the pizza warmer, keeps it dry, and prevents it from getting soggy, thanks to eight narrow channels below the pizza, like spokes. They conduct moisture down and away from the crust, pooling in a shallow well under the middle. “Your hands will be completely clean after you eat a Zume pizza, because there’s no grease or sogginess anywhere.”

(This I found hard to believe. But as my family discovered when we ate Zume pizza that night, it’s absolutely true: Our fingers were not greasy.)

The most thought-through pizza box in America.

The box’s lid slips under the lower box, which (a) creates a nice little stand and (b) doesn’t occupy your entire table with the ugly, greasy open lid, as a regular box does.

It even has shallow round depressions that match depressions in the top of the lid, so that stacked boxes sort of interlock. “With one hand, you can carry five pizzas and walk around, and there’s no hope of them falling over,” Garden points out.

The truck concept

But Alex Garden isn’t finished yet. He’s also reinvented the delivery truck.

Each one contains 28 or 56 individual pizza ovens. By consulting GPS, the truck fires up the oven when it’s four minutes away from your house, so that the pizza is coming out of the oven as the truck arrives.

The pizzas cook in their own little ovens–in the truck.

That cook-en-route system might sound like it was designed to give you freshly baked pizza, but it was actually Garden’s solution to a knotty governmental problem: It’s against the law for workers to cook food in a truck while it’s moving.

The solution, of course, was to automate the cooking while in motion. No person is involved, and so no laws are broken.

Laws also dictate, by the way, that a food truck must contain a three-compartment sink—for washing utensils, spatulas, and so on. Garden didn’t want to devote precious oven space to some sink apparatus. So he came up with a utensil-free truck. As the pizza finishes cooking, it ejects from its oven like a CD from its player, and goes directly into the Zume pizza box. “No one ever touches the food,” he says, and so there’s no need for a sink in the truck.

Predictive pizza

The part of Zume’s master plan that I found hardest to believe was that often, your pizza is on its truck before you even order it. Garden says that Zume’s AI software predicts what pizzas its customers will order, when, and pre-loads them onto the truck. How could he possibly know what his customers will order?

“Do you order pizza?” he asked me.

Yes, I told him.

“And how often would you say when you order pizza, you get the same thing you got last time?”

“Probably 95 percent of the time,” I admitted.

“Usually on the same day that week? Yeah. That makes you like most of the other people in the country. So if you think about that…Plus things like, when there’s a game you get more orders; when it’s hot out, you get fewer orders; you sell a lot more cheese pizza around 6:00 p.m. than you do at 9:00 p.m.; [you get spikes during] political debates; and another three or four dozen factors that we take into consideration when we’re predicting volume.

“Then we look at it neighborhood by neighborhood. Perhaps there’s a neighborhood that really likes Hawaiian pizza, there’s another neighborhood who really likes pepperoni pizza. So we have all of these signals and they give us the ability to predict about 95% of the time what people are going to order, before they do.”

And what if there’s a run on pineapple pizza on a weird day?

“We have what we called field reloading, which is giving the trucks more inventory in flight. It’s almost like air-to-air refueling in the Air Force.”

Zume vs the World

Zume just expanded from one location to two. Next year, all of California; then to the whole country; then the world.

That’s the plan, anyway.

Will Zume’s robots and lofty goals really make the world a better place?

Well, already they’re making the world a better pizza—and that’s a good start.

More from David Pogue:

Is through-the-air charging a hoax?

Electrify your existing bike in 2 minutes with these ingenious wheels

Marty Cooper, inventor of the cellphone: The next step is implantables 

The David Pogue Review: Windows 10 Creators Update

Now I get it: Bitcoin

David Pogue’s search for the world’s best air-travel app

The little-known iPhone feature that lets blind people see with their fingers

David Pogue, tech columnist for Yahoo Finance, welcomes nontoxic comments in the comments section below. On the web, he’s davidpogue.com. On Twitter, he’s @pogue. On email, he’s poguester@yahoo.com. You can read all his articles here, or you can sign up to get his columns by email. 

[toldnews-blog]

New Post has been published on https://toldnews.com/technology/entertainment/vows-the-writer-anne-lamott-gets-to-the-happily-ever-after-part/

Vows: The Writer Anne Lamott Gets to the Happily-Ever-After Part

The writer Anne Lamott recently sat in the living room of her Fairfax, Calif., house, wearing her signature dreadlocks, a loose cotton shirt and baggy jeans (skinny jeans are definitely not her style). At 65, she was about to get married for the first time.

When asked why she stayed single so long, she replied that she was shy and introverted and hated leaving the house, particularly for parties.

“If I go to a party, I become a Roz Chast character with my arms hanging at my sides and I feel like I’m developing a tic,” said Ms. Lamott, who has published 18 memoirs and novels, many about being a recovering alcoholic, single mother, incessant worrier and late-in-life churchgoer.

Yet in recent years, she found herself admitting to friends and fans (otherwise known as “Annieholics”) that a good marriage was the one thing she wanted but had not achieved. So she joined OurTime, a matchmaking site for people over 50, and forced herself to go on dates and make small talk. “Then, I saw this really handsome, soulful guy on OurTime and he was like me,” she said. “He was hard-core left wing, an intellectual, spiritual seeker.”

His name was Neal Allen, and she contacted him in August 2016. He promptly wrote back: “You rejected me already!”

He reminded her that they had exchanged messages on the site a few months earlier, but she had stopped communicating with him after learning he was allergic to cats (she sleeps with hers, which could also explain why she hadn’t found a partner sooner). Mr. Allen, 63, had left his job as a vice president for marketing at the McKesson Corporation in San Francisco to become a writer. He lived alone in a house in the woods in Lagunitas, Calif., and he had a wide range of interests that included Plato, bluegrass music, the New Testament and Vipassana meditation. He sounded much cooler than she remembered. “I said, ‘Take me back! Take me back!’” she said.

On Aug. 30, 2016, they met for coffee at the Two Bird Cafe in San Geronimo, halfway between their homes. “My first impression was that he was so handsome and I loved his nose,” she said.” We were just jamming. Life, God, books, movies. Life, God, books, movies.”

Mr. Allen, who was divorced twice and has four children, loved her “casual prettiness, “trippy dreads,” “kissable lips” and willingness to tell him everything, absolutely everything, about herself. “That kind of openness, it was like being sucked into a spider web,” he said.

The coffee date was followed, she said, by a “period of not only being in love but being sickeningly in love, it being like a mental illness.”

They spent every day together. They had long, heart-to-heart talks on her secondhand couch about things like how to approach death more mindfully or mistakes they’d made in the past as parents and as lovers. They took daily walks, either on the many trails that cover Mount Tamalpais, or up and down the aisles of Good Earth, a health food emporium in Fairfax, where they invariably bought too much chocolate. He said the only downside of falling in love with Ms. Lamott was that he gained 17 pounds in the first six months.

In some ways, they are opposites. She is afraid of almost everything, whereas he’s afraid of almost nothing. “It never occurs to me that anything will go wrong,” he said. Whenever she got overly anxious about a deadline, or climate change, or whether that shaking sensation was an earthquake, Mr. Allen made a cheese omelet for her. “Neal cooks, he cleans and yet he’s still a man’s man,” said Annette Lopez-Lamott, Ms. Lamott’s sister-in-law. “He respects women and that was very important to Annie who’s very power to the people, women’s rights.”

Crucially, Mr. Neal said, they got each other’s jokes “95 to 98 percent” of the time. “I have never, ever spent time with somebody as funny, as brilliantly funny,” he said. “Living with Annie is like being in a comedy sketch.”

Seven months after their first date, they bought a dilapidated house on a narrow, hidden lane in Fairfax. Now renovated, the house is airy and uncluttered inside, like a sentence with all the extra words removed. Ms. Lamott has her first new couch (all the others have been hand-me-downs) where she and Mr. Allen spend their evenings watching the news on television, dissecting the news, eating dinner and bingeing on dark Scandinavian movies, which they both love. “The level of brown bear-like comfort we find in each other is just amazing,” she said.

There’s also a renovated barn behind the house where her son, Sam Lamott, 29, and grandson, Jax Lamott, 9, live part time. When asked if everyone gets along, Ms. Lamott said, “It’s kind of like a wedding where there are all these disparate elements and you just hope there’s enough love and compromise that everything will work out fine, and most of the time it does.”

On Aug. 30, 2018, exactly two years after their first date, Mr. Allen pressed the pause button while they watching the United States Open and proposed.

They were married April 13 at Deer Park Villa, an events space near their house, in a redwood grove with Christmas lights swooping between the trees. The 150 guests were asked to “dress happily” and the Grateful Dead song, “Ripple,” played through speakers as the wedding party, ranging in ages from 9 to 80-plus, entered the grove in no particular order and at no particular pace. There was the sense that anybody could have joined them if they wanted to.

The tall bridegroom towered over everyone, looking somewhat like a basketball player in a black suit, while the bride wore a calf-length white dress she bought on eBay, Mary Jane shoes and a furry white cardigan.

The ceremony reflected the couple’s idiosyncratic patchwork of spiritual and political interests. The officiant, the Rev. William Rankin, an Episcopal minister and a founder of the Global AIDS Interfaith Alliance, read a passage from the benediction at Barack Obama’s 2009 inauguration, pushing for racial equality, global peace and turning tractors into tanks. Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist meditation teacher, presented the couple with his version of a “ring,” a Tibetan singing bowl and a wooden mallet. He suggested they tap the bowl and listen to its ring whenever they had a “How did I get into this feeling?” mood as husband and wife.

The Rev. Tom Weston, a Jesuit priest, also stood with the couple. He didn’t speak much, but he did exude a kind of fatherly benevolence, as he does in some of the bride’s memoirs.

Sam Lamott, the man of honor, read an E.E. Cummings poem; and Marina Allen, a daughter of the groom, sang “Let Me,” a sweet, quirky love song she wrote for the couple.

The bride and bridegroom each took out a piece of paper, and their reading glasses, and recited the vows they had written. Hers were neither writerly nor weighty. She just made a few simple observations like, “Your love has given me permission to be softer, wilder and more real.” His were also spare, mere brush strokes of promises and intentions. “I’d very much like to continue our exploration of love indefinitely,” he said politely, as if he were asking her to dance. The couple have a light touch with everything, especially each other. Out in public, friends said, she’ll just barely hold on to his belt loop, or his sleeve.

They left the grove to the Van Morrison song, “Into the Mystic.” Meg Lundstrom, a longtime friend of the bridegroom, said afterward, “I’ve been telling my friends that the smartest person I know is marrying the kindest person I know but I don’t know which is which.”

Everyone gathered inside the “villa,” a rustic house next to the grove, for dinner at long tables that were decorated with pink paper runners and colorful leis. It looked like a child’s birthday party.

Laura Neely catered the dinner, along with her staff of mostly middle-age women who called themselves “the old gangster catering crew.” Ms. Neely said she particularly admired Ms. Lamott for not leaping into marriage, until now. “Getting married now is the best thing ever because that’s for sure going to be your toe-tag husband,” she said.

Now that Ms. Lamott has found her lifelong partner, does she have any advice for those who might still be looking? “If you’re paying attention and making your own life as beautiful and rich and fun as it can be, you might just attract someone who’s doing the same thing,” she said. “You can give up on tracking someone down with your butterfly net.”

A natural cheerleader, especially for underdogs, she also posted this on her Facebook page: “Never give up, no matter how things look or how long they take. Don’t quit before the miracle.”

[ladystylestores]

China-India Tensions, Beijing Outbreak, Protest Art: Your Friday Briefing

(Want to get this briefing by email? Here’s the sign-up.)

Good morning.

We’re covering a surge in anti-Chinese anger in India, a backlash against salmon in Beijing and an email slip-up in Britain that helped us land a story.

An anti-China backlash in India

Anger is surging in India over the loss of 20 soldiers in a brutal, hand-to-hand border clash with Chinese troops fought with clubs and rods studded with nails. There have been angry calls to shut down Chinese restaurants and tear up contracts with Chinese companies. Crowds have smashed Chinese-made televisions in the street.

Generals from the two countries met again on Thursday to discuss de-escalation in the Himalayan border zone where the brawl erupted, but satellite images indicated that Chinese troops had yet to pull back.

Some Indian Army officers want to change the rules of engagement and abandon the border code that does not allow the use of guns during confrontations.

Spillover in trade: The Indian Express newspaper reported that the government was preparing to cancel a huge railway contract with a Chinese company.

Protests have broken out across India to boycott Chinese goods, a move that would not be easy. The phones in most Indians’ hands are made in China, as are countless other products. India-China trade has grown to more than $95 billion in 2018 from $3 billion in 2000. As of last year, India’s trade deficit with China reached nearly $60 billion.

China outbreak claims unlikely victim: salmon

When reports from Beijing said traces of the coronavirus had been found on cutting boards used for imported salmon at a vast produce market, the backlash was swift.

By the time Chinese officials acknowledged that imported salmon was not responsible for the city’s new outbreak, business at Japanese restaurants in Beijing had dropped sharply, and salmon suppliers in Norway and the Faroe Islands had seen Chinese orders evaporate. A vendor at Jingshen market, which processes much of the city’s seafood, said he had seen sales of all seafood drop by 80 percent since last Friday.

Context: With Chinese nationalism on the rise, imported salmon proved an easy target. The Chinese authorities have for months waged a propaganda campaign to highlight their successes in taming the virus and to deflect blame for the pandemic to outsiders.

Outbreak details: More than 130 people in Beijing have tested positive. Officials have closed workplaces, restaurants and hotels in parts of the city. The cluster has been traced to the Xinfadi market in the city’s south, but the precise source remains a mystery.

Here are our latest updates and maps tracking the outbreak.

In other developments:

The Times is providing free access to much of our coronavirus coverage, and our Coronavirus Briefing newsletter — like all of our newsletters — is free. Please consider supporting our journalism with a subscription.

Mixed messages from the U.S. on Uighur camps

China lashed out at the U.S. on Thursday, a day after President Trump signed into law a bill that allows for sanctions on Chinese officials involved in the detention of Uighurs in camps in Xinjiang.

But accusations by John Bolton, Mr. Trump’s former national security adviser, have muddied the issue. In his new book, Mr. Bolton said Mr. Trump had questioned why the U.S. would impose sanctions on the Chinese officials involved.

In a private meeting with President Xi Jinping last year, Mr. Bolton wrote, the president even accepted the Chinese rationale for the creation of a vast system of camps and surveillance in Xinjiang. The report dismayed Uighur activists.

Context: Fury at China is a pillar of Mr. Trump’s re-election strategy — and that of many Republican lawmakers. The administration has intensified its criticism of China on a variety of fronts, including for its aggressive move to limit Hong Kong’s autonomy and handling of the coronavirus pandemic.

China response: After a meeting in Hawaii on Thursday between China’s top diplomat, Yang Jiechi, and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, China’s Foreign Ministry said the U.S. should support what it described as a successful antiterrorism campaign in Xinjiang.

If you have 7 minutes, this is worth it

The U.S. sports comeback isn’t going well

Football is back in Europe, baseball in Asia and rugby in New Zealand. But in the United States, which has the world’s largest coronavirus outbreak, the return of sports is not going particularly well.

Several major leagues have announced comeback plans, but there are no regular-season games on public schedules and no clue as to when teams might play again in home arenas and stadiums. There are no firm plans for bringing back fans. One of our sports reporters look at the disarray.

Here’s what else is happening

U.S. immigration: The Supreme Court ruled that the Trump administration cannot immediately end a program protecting about 700,000 young immigrants known as Dreamers from deportation.

Hungary rights: Hungary’s restrictions on the financing of civil-society organizations are unlawful, the European Court of Justice ruled in a resounding rebuke to Prime Minister Viktor Orban.

Climate and childbirth: New research examining more than 32 million U.S. births shows that pregnant women exposed to high temperatures or air pollution are more likely to have children who are premature, underweight or stillborn, with African-Americans accruing the deepest harms.

In memoriam: Dr. Tomisaku Kawasaki, 95. In 1967, he first identified a disease in children that remains mysterious and that has recently been in the news in relation to Covid-19.

Snapshot: Above, students and artists working on a huge street mural reading “Power to the People,” which will be unveiled today in Detroit. Protest art has been flourishing in the U.S., capturing the movement for racial justice.

What we’re reading: This article on Xi Jinping in Nikkei Asian Review. The Chinese president turned 67 this week, an age that usually signals the final year in party office. Here’s a look at the battle for influence shaping up in China’s corridors of power.

Now, a break from the news

Cook: This savory loaf packed with cheese and olives can be served with slices of tomato and onions, or eaten plain for a snack.

Watch: Our critics revisit “Nine to Five,” a comedy about three secretaries — played by Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton — who stage a revolt against their chauvinistic, handsy boss. It was released in 1980, way before the #MeToo movement.

Read: Fifty years after the first Pride March, the authors Jericho Brown, Carmen Maria Machado and Thomas Page McBee reflect on a complicated moment for the L.G.B.T.Q. community.

Do: Here are some tips on what you can do to attract birds to your garden.

At Home has our full collection of ideas on what to read, cook, watch and do while staying safe at home.

And now for the Back Story on …

A British email slip-up

Jane Bradley, an investigative reporter based in London, got quite a surprise as she and her colleague Ben Mueller worked on an article The Times published this week: “England’s ‘World Beating’ System to Track the Virus Is Anything But.” Here’s the story.

I had just powered up my laptop to make the final edits to an article about the British government’s chaotic contact tracing system, expecting to see a typically bureaucratic response from officials to our latest questions.

A message from my co-reporter, Ben Mueller, pinged: Had I seen last night’s email from a senior press officer at the Department of Health and Social Care?

I darted to the thread, curiosity turning to astonishment.

Ben and I had interviewed more than a dozen contact tracers, public health officials and local government leaders to get a picture of how much wasn’t working. We’d looked at screenshots from a private Facebook group on which tracers were complaining that they were still waiting for login details two weeks after the program’s start. And we’d discovered that the secretive contract for the tracing effort with Serco, an outsourcing giant, cost the British government 108 million pounds, or about $136 million.

But when we asked officials a basic question — why they had halted contact tracing in March, before reversing course, the official line was that tracing had never stopped and to claim otherwise would be entirely wrong.

This email said otherwise.

It began mundanely: The press officer said she was handing over my questions to colleagues. But a little deeper in, she accidentally included internal discussions about my query about the halt to contact tracing in March. “The answer to this,” wrote an official, “is we basically didn’t have the testing capacity.”

It was a rare and candid glimpse behind the curtains of Westminster and its usual political spin that the government, of course, did not want us to publish. The email was a “brief internal discussion” which was inadvertently sent and was not for quoting, their press officer said after I invited comment before publication.

But my editors disagreed. When a senior government press officer inadvertently reveals information in the public interest as part of an official response to newsworthy questions, journalists have a duty to report that — especially the parts that usually stay behind closed doors (or email).

That’s it for this briefing. See you next time.

— Carole

Thank you To Melissa Clark for the recipe, and to Theodore Kim and Jahaan Singh for the rest of the break from the news. You can reach the team at briefing@nytimes.com.

P.S. • We’re listening to “The Daily.” Our latest episode is about Joe Biden’s search for a running mate. • Here’s our Mini Crossword, and a clue: Black-and-white cookie (4 letters). You can find all our puzzles here. • Today, The New York Times is commemorating Juneteenth, an annual holiday celebrating the end of slavery in the United States.

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[theliterateape]

Validation by Exaggerating Harm is Straight Out of the Propagandist Playbook

By Don Hall

I was told that she had fallen during the graveyard shift (10 p.m. – 6 a.m.) and face-planted into the asphalt. That she refused medical attention despite her face being a bit mangled, and that she had been sitting in the Denny’s for several hours. I was also told that she needed to check out of her room in the next hour or she would be evicted unless she paid for another night.

It was also apparent that both Security and the outshift manager had had enough of her. My heart went out to her as this was just not her night.

I see her sitting in a booth, gingerly sipping at a milkshake. She resembles a matronly librarian. She is surrounded by several bags and a large purse. The left side of her face is swollen, her bottom lip is huge and she has a contusion on the bridge of her nose. Both eyes are black.

I introduce myself and ask her if she’s alright and if there’s anything I can do for her before she checks out of her room (my attempt to be kind while still emphasizing that she has to leave or be escorted off the property). She quietly begins explaining what happened and how insensitive the security staff was, how horrible the Denny’s waitress was, how awful the hotel manager had been to her. It’s her birthday, she informs me. Her bruised eyes well up with tears as she speaks and her hands shake. She tells me that she is an author and shows me a photo on her phone of her at a book signing. Her husband is an astro-physicist and she is in Las Vegas for business. She has no vehicle and isn’t sure what to do. 

“Okay. Helen? Let me go and see if we can extend the check out time and if you’d like a meal instead of a milkshake, I’m glad to take care of that for...”

“I’m not feeling very well,” she interrupts. “I have a form of epilepsy and my medication isn’t reacting well to the trauma of the fall. Last year I had a tumble and felt the same way. My husband...” and she continues to softly drone on in a manner that prevents me from exiting the conversation without being rude. I stand up and slowly start to back away because I have work to do and need to see the hotel manager about her potential eviction.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes, Helen.” I turn to the waitress. “Please take care of anything she needs and I’m happy to comp it.” And I head back to the casino.

✶

I’ve done quite a bit of pruning from my social media outlets. Recently I culled my Facebook friends from nearly 4,000 to less than 500 in part because there were so many on there I couldn’t recall ever meeting or corresponding with and in part because the increased intensity of rhetoric from both the Alt Right and the Woke online was making me hate humanity and pushing me further toward the political center than I like.

This did not, however, prevent me from landing upon the #TalesfromHisShadowat16thStreet thread. From what I gather an exclusively black theater company was commissioned by 16th Street Theater Artistic Director Ann Filmer to do a show and had a less than ideal experience with their production.

Among their difficulties was an uncertain comp policy, poor communication about the extension, a series of parking tickets issued by the City, and someone calling the police on the audience from the theater. Remember that the Chicago Theater Community is now populated with the Woke and a small army of Self-Loathing White People (although they don’t so much loathe themselves as much as white people in general) so it would not be appropriate to place blame on their woes on disorganization, the city’s near constant state of revenue via parking tickets, or a random asshole deciding that 911 was the call to make for some random reason. No, it all boils down to Filmer’s apparent racism.

If you’d ever spent fifteen minutes with Filmer you’d know how silly and childishly destructive is this rationale.

✶

By the time I return to Helen, she has eaten a small meal but is now slightly sick. She needs a wheelchair to go to her room to retrieve her belongings before checking out and, while she suddenly feels the need to vomit the food she just ate, she can’t walk the twenty feet to the bathroom to do so. I grab her a Denny’s bag and help her around the corner a few feet where she barfs in the bag, returns to her seat, and I dispose of the bag. She also wants to be transported to a nearby emergency room due to her epilepsy and weakness.

Each time I check in on Helen it is like walking into one of those old jungle movies with the quicksand pits. She has been so maligned in the past eight hours that a genuine gesture of kindness and respect is grabbed onto like a vine from above.

✶

Goebbels is known for the statement “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.” The complement to this idea is that if you exaggerate the harm enough, people will take the offense more seriously. 

Take Donald Trump for example. His language choices are intentionally hyperbolic. He routinely elevates perceived enemies into traitors to the State and rants on and on about witch hunts and lynchings. The Left takes the bait and wastes time arguing the semantics of his grievances (“Witch Hunts are against women!”) and the Right buys into the faux seriousness of them and responds in outrage.

It doesn’t help that the Left elevates his discourse as assault and his rhetoric as violence. These concepts are simply ridiculous and even the dumbest of his supporters can see that.

Does anyone really believe that the police shooting 700 people (most of them white) is an “epidemic of police violence”? The very definition of “epidemic” includes the idea that it is widespread. Seven hundred out of 350 million people is hardly widespread.

Is it at all reasonable to consider the decision for people to boycott the stand up comedy of Louis CK and the destruction of his career? The guy is still making a better living that 95 percent of the country, right?

Are comments and questions about gender or race genuine aggressions or simple curiosity and is there actually violence involved? If it is true that words are the same as violence can I press charges against the guy who flipped me off and called me an asshole for taking too long to turn left last week? Can the smirking MAGA hat kid sue thousands of Twitter bullies? Should Trump be impeached for saying shitty things about, well, everyone?

✶

It turns out that in order to help Helen go to a medical facility, it is the strict policy of the casino to call paramedics despite her desire to simply get cab fare. I ask her if that is okay with her and she frets a bit, complains some more about being asked to either pay for another night or leave, and finally agrees.

One of my peers pulls me aside.

“You know she’s pulled this before, right? I mean, we all appreciate you going out of your way to help her but she’s trying to work you to get something.”

“I can’t believe that,” I respond. “She really fell and was really injured and, I don’t know, when I look in her eyes as she’s telling me her story, I believe her. Maybe she’s inflated her grievances as they relate to security and hotel management but I still believe she deserves our assistance in every way.”

The paramedics arrive. As they are talking to her, she is overheard complaining that she had, in fact, been hit by a security van and wanted to press charges against the casino. She tells them that the staff refused her food or water and that she had been ignored for hours.

We don’t have a security van. And it wasn’t her birthday, either.

✶

In all of the back and forth in the #TalesfromHisShadowat16thStreet nonsense, I caught the following justification for the calling out of Filmer.

“Toxic behavior is called out so it’s amplified and people aren’t suffering alone when they choose to speak up instead of being “easy to work with.” Call outs happen as a result of dead ends. A result of communication failures over and over again.”

Like Helen, a woman who fell and wanted as much attention as she felt she deserved, the story of the company at 16th Street likely started as a simple desire to be given something more from a less than organized institution but as their demand for better organization, better communication, and easier to navigate organizational procedures were left unmet, the story became inflated. Let’s not pretend that this some sort of cry for empowerment. Let’s not pretend that this is somehow connected in any way with the longstanding legacy of racial inequality in this country. This is simply lying to get attention, exaggerating harm by using buzzwords, and hoping that solidarity will come via the internet.

Even the term toxic behavior is suspect. I find bullying someone via social media to be toxic but I’m not unloading on specific people or even naming them in this piece because I find that behavior TOXIC. See how that works, dipshits? Bullying someone, even when you think the cause for such behavior is justified, is horseshit and creates more discontent than restorative justice. Lying to exaggerate the harm, redefining what words you use to elevate that harm, all in order to get the attention so that you can get what you want makes you one of the dickheads in the equation.

No different than Helen. No different than Trump.

✶

I was thoroughly discouraged by the revelation that Helen had been grifting for attention, a comped meal, and the hope for a free night in the hotel. I felt used and betrayed by someone I didn’t know and will unlikely ever see again. There is a psychological reason for this sort of behavior:

“Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by constant attention-seeking, emotional overreaction, and seductive behavior. People with this condition tend to overdramatize situations, which may impair relationships and lead to depression. Yet they are highly suggestible, easily susceptible to the influence of others.”

This is humanity. This is now. Surrounded by histrionic personalities who now have a megaphone to the rest of the histrionic personalities. It’s a cold comfort that these raging attention-seekers represent a tiny portion of people out there because they are so loud but it is good to be reminded how few there are.

As much as I am disheartened by Helen’s lies and hyperbole, I refuse to allow her example to color my perception of others in need. Likewise, I’ll not allow the propaganda of the Woke or the Trump to draw me into a hopeless cynicism.

I will, on the other hand, be conscious of the hyperbole and conflation and recognize people so desperate for power or control or just a free room. Not distrusting but not naive, either.

[theconservativebrief]

A linebacker for the Cleveland Browns and a former writer for the TV comedy Black-ish have been charged with insider trading for a deal that allegedly involved trading stock tips for NFL tickets, tens of thousands of dollars of cash, and an evening on the set of a music video.

The Securities and Exchange Commission and US Attorney’s Office for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania announced criminal and civil charges on Wednesday against NFL linebacker Mychal Kendricks and Damilare Sonoiki, who was a junior analyst at an investment bank before becoming a television writer. (According to public records, Sonoiki worked at Goldman Sachs.)

Kendricks allegedly made $1.2 million in illegal profits through an insider trading scheme devised with Sonoiki after the two met at a party, according to charging documents.

Kendricks has admitted to and apologized for his actions. In a statement released by his attorneys, he apologized but also attempted to place blame on Sonoiki, whose “background as a Harvard graduate and an employee of Goldman Sachs gave me a false sense of confidence.” He said that while he didn’t “fully understand all of the details of the illegal trades,” he knew they were wrong.

“When individuals engage in insider trading … it undermines faith in our financial markets and harms ordinary investors who do play by the rules,” US Attorney William McSwain said in a statement announcing the charges.

Kendricks played for the Philadelphia Eagles for six years, including when they won the Super Bowl in February, before signing with the Cleveland Browns earlier this year. Sonoiki graduated from Harvard in 2013 and worked at Goldman Sachs for almost two years between 2013 to 2015, according to his AngelList profile; IMDB lists him as a writer for Black-ish in 2015 and 2016. Both are 27 years old.

According to the charges, Kendricks and Sonoiki met at a party. From July 2014 to March 2015, Kendricks got illegal tips from Sonoiki about upcoming mergers of four of Goldman’s clients. Mergers often lead to an increase in stock prices, and Kendricks bought call options — a type of security that’s essentially a bet that a stock’s price will go up — on companies that were going to be bought in merger deals before the deal was announced. Sonoiki also set up an online brokerage account that both men could access.

Kendricks made a lot of money doing it. According to the US attorney’s office, Sonoiki’s tips made Kendricks about $1.2 million on call options he bought on Compuware, Move, Sapient, and Oplink. News Corp. announced plans to buy Move, a real estate listing company, in September 2014, and Kendricks made a nearly 400 percent return, buying the options at $71,000 and selling them at $350,000.

In return, Kendricks allegedly gave Sonoiki tickets to Eagles games and about $10,000 in cash. He also allegedly let him spend an evening on the set of a music video in which Kendricks made a cameo appearance. The video appears to be “Maybe” by Teyana Taylor, released in 2014.

[embedded content]

Joseph Sansone, chief of the SEC enforcement division’s market abuse unit, said in a statement that Kendricks and Sonoiki allegedly tried to “evade detection by using a variety of communication methods to hide their misconduct, but we were able to use methodical investigative work to piece together a trail of evidence and expose their insider trading scheme.”

The SEC’s complaint says the pair tried to minimize phone calls, used “coded language” in text messages, and talked via FaceTime, which they thought wouldn’t be uncovered. In one example the SEC provides, Kendricks in an exchange with Sonoiki tries to pretend he’s talking about his jersey number when he’s really referencing a deposit, Tom Schad at USA Today points out:

“Yo so the 80 is there,” Kendricks texted Sonoiki after initially depositing $80,000 into the new brokerage account used for trading, according to the charges.

“Nah you should keep number 95,” Sonoiki replied.

“They said I couldn’t get the 80 anyways only WR could get that number,” Kendricks answered.

On Wednesday, Kendricks admitted to the charges, said he was sorry, and tried to cast himself as a young man who at the time just didn’t know what he was doing.

“I have worked my tail off since I was 5 years old to become the football player that I am today,” he said. “I was drawn in by the allure of being more than just a football player. While I didn’t fully understand all of the details of the illegal trades, I knew it was wrong, and I wholeheartedly regret my actions.”

He said he has cooperated with authorities since the start of the investigation, and that he didn’t take any profits for himself but was “committed to repaying all of the funds gained illegally and accept the consequences of my actions.”

Rob Long, a partner at Bell Nunnally and former SEC attorney and federal prosecutor, told me the SEC’s penalty on the civil side will likely include repayment of the $1.2 million in ill-gotten gains plus up to additional fines of three times that amount. On the criminal side, if they’re convicted, each defendant faces a maximum possible sentence of 25 years in prison and a more than $5 million fine, according to the US attorney’s office.

“Ultimately, any kind of sentence is likely to be influenced by the federal sentencing guidelines, which are going to take into consideration of gains, victims, any acceptance of responsibility, and whether there is an abuse of trust, among other things,” Long said.

Kendricks’s apology and cooperation indicates he may be looking to strike some sort of a plea deal.

An NFL spokesperson told the Associated Press the league is aware of the developments and would “review the matter.” The Browns in a statement said the team is also aware of the situation and is in communication with the NFL. Kendricks won’t travel with the team to Detroit to their game against the Lions on Thursday night.

Original Source -> The insider trading case against an NFL linebacker and a former Black-ish writer, explained

via The Conservative Brief

[demitgibbs]

Justin Theroux: The Spy You Wouldn’t Mind Being Dumped By

No straight man has ever offered to make me a crop top, but Justin Theroux is no ordinary straight man. If you’ve seen him in all his shirtless, ripped, oiled glory in 2003’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle or bore witness to all that was bouncing around in his grey sweatpants in HBO’s The Leftovers (I know you saw that; you haven’t stopped seeing that), you have likely wished him gay.

The vers 46-year-old actor is, at least, the closest a straight man can get to being gay, palling around with the new Queer Eye posse and portraying a deep well of gay characters during his two-decade career, from Marshall in 2000’s The Broken Hearts Club to an assortment of gay Englishmen in numerous New York theater productions. Significant gay cred aside, his acting instincts have resulted in an impressive mix of unpredictable career choices rooted in pathos and humor, David Lynchian mystery and Herculean ruggedness: from 1997’s Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion on through Mulholland Drive, Strangers with Candy, Sex and the City, Zoolander and, most recently, The Spy Who Dumped Me. Directed by Susanna Fogel, the action-comedy caper stars Theroux as Drew, an on-the-run spy who inadvertently gets his ex (Mila Kunis) and her best gal pal (Kate McKinnon) embroiled in his messy assassin-fighting mission.

Things are tamer in a hotel suite in New York City on the day Theroux sits across from me with his rescue pit bull Kuma. Theroux – imagine if he dumped you; what an honor – is not wearing sweatpants. But my mock disappointment isn’t sweatpants-related; it’s knowing that he made Queer Eye guy Jonathan Van Ness a crop top but didn’t bring me one. And do I let Justin Theroux wreck the shirt on my back? I do, right? “I would so do it,” he politely insists. “If you have a t-shirt and a pair of scissors, I’m happy to quickly fashion you one.”

Let’s talk about how you invented sweatpants.

(Laughs) I invented the grey sweatpants! I brought them back, I know! You know, I was the one who made a shirt for Jonathan. We were going to gay Pride and he was like, “F*ck, I gotta go out,” and so I made him a shirt. I was like, “I wanna make one of those crop top t-shirts with the tassels,” and he ended up wearing that.

Do you regularly make crop tops for your gay friends?

No, that was the first one I’ve done. It was just like, “It’s a perfect moment in time. I’m with Jonathan and I have a t-shirt and we have scissors and I think I could pull it off.”

We’ve become a good little clutch. Tan, Antoni and Jonathan have come over a bunch of times and we’ve gone back and forth, and I’ve disappeared into the bathroom with Jonathan and we’ve talked products.

Can a straight guy have a queer eye?

Keeping my fingers crossed. Season 3! Maybe we should do a whole thing where it’s like, “Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.” Find some gay guy who’s not got his shit together and I can go and help him out. I don’t know if I’d be that helpful.

WATCH:

I must say, you’ve got your shit together.

I put a little effort in sometimes. (Queer Eye guy) Tan’s trying to get me to wear some color. I’m pretty much blacks and greys. White is technically a color for me.

We need to get you in floral.

I don’t think it’s gonna happen! I just can’t pull it off. I keep looking for a Hawaiian shirt that’s 95 percent black with just a little pop of color in the flowers.

Recently, Jonathan was obsessing over your shirtlessness in Charlie’s Angels. Is that the role most gay men fangirl over when they meet you?

I mean, the first one was actually The Broken Hearts Club, which was a movie I did years and years ago. I remember being at gay Pride and people being like, “Oh my god, this is the guy from Broken Hearts Club!” (Playing gay) was kind of my bread and butter in New York on stage. I would do Joe Orton plays, or Shopping and Fucking. I’d do all these gay Englishmen. That was my thing that was my calling card.

Why go for the gay roles?

It was something that just happened. It wasn’t like I was seeking them out. It was just something that presented itself. At the time, there was that kind of question when you’d go into the audition: “Are you comfortable kissing a guy?” “Yeah, of course.”

In 2000, some actors were being told not to play gay characters for the sake of preserving their careers. Was there any pressure on you not to play that role?

No. My agent at the time was gay, so it was never a discussion. It always boils down to, is the part good or is the play good? If the material is good, I’m happy to do it. If it’s bad, then I don’t wanna do it. But I wouldn’t want do it for a straight part either.

Did it feel like an important movie at the time for the LGBTQ community?

It didn’t, because it’s not necessarily my community. But it was one of those I was happy (about). It was the first (LGBTQ) movie that showed – at least that I had been a part of, or had seen – just a normal relationship. No one’s dying of a disease, no one’s fighting with their parents. It felt like a great episode of Thirtysomething or a great episode of This Is Us.  (Its gay themes were) just built into the fabric of the movie, as opposed to being the fabric of the movie. There weren’t big red arrows pointing at each character going, “Oh, and by the way, they’re gay!” They were functioning, normal people in their lives, which is reality. In a weird way, its normalcy was the thing that made it special and that felt like a good reason to do it.

Growing up in Washington D.C., what was your introduction to the LGBTQ community?

God, you could argue it was probably Catholic school and noticing the priests. Not their behavior; I didn’t think anything nefarious was going on. I don’t think they were doing anything horrible to the boys of the school, but I remember thinking, “These men seem effeminate and they carry themselves in a different way, and I think these guys like other men, like other gay men I’ve seen.”

They didn’t fit the typical heteronormative archetype. 

Yeah, exactly. And it was an odd kind of thing, where I thought, “Oh.” I’ve since come to think maybe the priesthood is like an enclave for people who aren’t comfortable with their sexuality and they wanna shut it down and they think, “Please make it go away. I’m just gonna go to this place and go to seminary school and hope that this feeling leaves me,” which is a shame.

You strike me as the kind of guy who’s surrounded by gay men for various reasons.

Yeah, of course. I went to a very progressive high school that had gay boys in it. In college, it becomes quickly normalized. But you can’t live in New York and not be friends with every kind of person, whether they’re gay, trans, straight, whatever.

You were ahead of the game?

Well, I think most people in the city or in pockets of the country were kind of ahead of the game. It felt like, “Wait, this conversation is still happening? Oh yeah, I guess it still is. I guess we do need to keep having this discussion.” (I) marvel at people who are still made uncomfortable by it. Like, how on earth? It’s like being made uncomfortable by a sofa; you’re like, “It’s a sofa.” It couldn’t be more normal.

You should know that you’ve been called a “gay men’s dream” by the National Enquirer, probably their most accurate reporting.

Cut to 10 years later: Ew, who’s that old guy? (Laughs)

No way. Our gay icons never age.

Oh yeah, that’s right!

So this movie: Was the title The Spy Who Dumped On Me ever considered?

(Laughs) It’s the James Bond they never made! Idris Elba, Daniel Craig, why wouldn’t you do that movie?

RELATED:

Susanna’s friends call her the “lesbian whisperer.” And, of course, Kate McKinnon is queer and one of two leading ladies in this film.

It’s so cool.

Did you get a lesbian read on Kate McKinnon’s character, Morgan, in the movie?

Yeah. But what I liked about her character: again, it wasn’t the focal (point). It’s kind of ambiguous. What she brought to the part was super hilarious. She works really hard on specific jokes, beats, alternate lines, trying to come up with other stuff that isn’t necessarily on the page or in the direction. Kate really goes in and scribbles on the sides (of her script) and it looks like A Beautiful Mind on her script. She approaches her work (in) really sort of (an) academic way.

You’re long overdue for a gay role.

What’s the last one I’ve done? Maybe (my character) Kevin Garvey from The Leftovers is, who knows. Don’t tell anybody. No, I’m joking. (Laughs) You could argue he was really put-upon and maybe that was the reason why, ’cause he was in a hetero marriage.

(Theroux’s handler peeks in to say, “One last question.” “Two more,” Theroux whispers, giving me two fingers.)

What would you look for in a gay role now?

I don’t know. It’s really always the story. I want the story to be good and compelling. I want the character to be good and compelling, and that could be anything. A la Broken Hearts Club, you do sort of hope that eventually these all become just the background to the characters, because it’s way more interesting just playing the relationship and playing the story than it is playing the orientation.

If you were to date any of the guys you have played in your career, which ones might you go for? Personally, I’d shack up with Joe from Six Feet Under.

Joe in Six Feet Under was a sweetheart. But if I dated Joe, he was straight, and so I think that would be problematic.

He’s only straight till he drinks four beers.

Until he drinks four beers, then all bets are off! The bondage gear comes out. Like, we all know Joe liked being tied to the bed. (Laughs) I don’t know if there’s anyone I’d really wanna date. And it’s weird to think about dating yourself. Just visually awkward.

Actually, Matt McGrath’s Broken Hearts character was an adorable character. But I don’t know, I played some pretty f*cked up guys, so they all seem like they’re not great relationship material.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/08/16/justin-theroux-the-spy-you-wouldnt-mind-being-dumped-by/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/177060262410

[hotspotsmagazine]

Justin Theroux: The Spy You Wouldn’t Mind Being Dumped By

No straight man has ever offered to make me a crop top, but Justin Theroux is no ordinary straight man. If you’ve seen him in all his shirtless, ripped, oiled glory in 2003’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle or bore witness to all that was bouncing around in his grey sweatpants in HBO’s The Leftovers (I know you saw that; you haven’t stopped seeing that), you have likely wished him gay.

The vers 46-year-old actor is, at least, the closest a straight man can get to being gay, palling around with the new Queer Eye posse and portraying a deep well of gay characters during his two-decade career, from Marshall in 2000’s The Broken Hearts Club to an assortment of gay Englishmen in numerous New York theater productions. Significant gay cred aside, his acting instincts have resulted in an impressive mix of unpredictable career choices rooted in pathos and humor, David Lynchian mystery and Herculean ruggedness: from 1997’s Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion on through Mulholland Drive, Strangers with Candy, Sex and the City, Zoolander and, most recently, The Spy Who Dumped Me. Directed by Susanna Fogel, the action-comedy caper stars Theroux as Drew, an on-the-run spy who inadvertently gets his ex (Mila Kunis) and her best gal pal (Kate McKinnon) embroiled in his messy assassin-fighting mission.

Things are tamer in a hotel suite in New York City on the day Theroux sits across from me with his rescue pit bull Kuma. Theroux – imagine if he dumped you; what an honor – is not wearing sweatpants. But my mock disappointment isn’t sweatpants-related; it’s knowing that he made Queer Eye guy Jonathan Van Ness a crop top but didn’t bring me one. And do I let Justin Theroux wreck the shirt on my back? I do, right? “I would so do it,” he politely insists. “If you have a t-shirt and a pair of scissors, I’m happy to quickly fashion you one.”

Let’s talk about how you invented sweatpants.

(Laughs) I invented the grey sweatpants! I brought them back, I know! You know, I was the one who made a shirt for Jonathan. We were going to gay Pride and he was like, “F*ck, I gotta go out,” and so I made him a shirt. I was like, “I wanna make one of those crop top t-shirts with the tassels,” and he ended up wearing that. 

Do you regularly make crop tops for your gay friends?

No, that was the first one I’ve done. It was just like, “It’s a perfect moment in time. I’m with Jonathan and I have a t-shirt and we have scissors and I think I could pull it off.”

We’ve become a good little clutch. Tan, Antoni and Jonathan have come over a bunch of times and we’ve gone back and forth, and I’ve disappeared into the bathroom with Jonathan and we’ve talked products.

Can a straight guy have a queer eye?

Keeping my fingers crossed. Season 3! Maybe we should do a whole thing where it’s like, “Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.” Find some gay guy who’s not got his shit together and I can go and help him out. I don’t know if I’d be that helpful.

WATCH:

I must say, you’ve got your shit together.

I put a little effort in sometimes. (Queer Eye guy) Tan’s trying to get me to wear some color. I’m pretty much blacks and greys. White is technically a color for me. 

We need to get you in floral.

I don’t think it’s gonna happen! I just can’t pull it off. I keep looking for a Hawaiian shirt that’s 95 percent black with just a little pop of color in the flowers. 

Recently, Jonathan was obsessing over your shirtlessness in Charlie’s Angels. Is that the role most gay men fangirl over when they meet you?

I mean, the first one was actually The Broken Hearts Club, which was a movie I did years and years ago. I remember being at gay Pride and people being like, “Oh my god, this is the guy from Broken Hearts Club!” (Playing gay) was kind of my bread and butter in New York on stage. I would do Joe Orton plays, or Shopping and Fucking. I’d do all these gay Englishmen. That was my thing that was my calling card. 

Why go for the gay roles?

It was something that just happened. It wasn’t like I was seeking them out. It was just something that presented itself. At the time, there was that kind of question when you’d go into the audition: “Are you comfortable kissing a guy?” “Yeah, of course.” 

In 2000, some actors were being told not to play gay characters for the sake of preserving their careers. Was there any pressure on you not to play that role?

No. My agent at the time was gay, so it was never a discussion. It always boils down to, is the part good or is the play good? If the material is good, I’m happy to do it. If it’s bad, then I don’t wanna do it. But I wouldn’t want do it for a straight part either. 

Did it feel like an important movie at the time for the LGBTQ community?

It didn’t, because it’s not necessarily my community. But it was one of those I was happy (about). It was the first (LGBTQ) movie that showed – at least that I had been a part of, or had seen – just a normal relationship. No one’s dying of a disease, no one’s fighting with their parents. It felt like a great episode of Thirtysomething or a great episode of This Is Us.  (Its gay themes were) just built into the fabric of the movie, as opposed to being the fabric of the movie. There weren’t big red arrows pointing at each character going, “Oh, and by the way, they’re gay!” They were functioning, normal people in their lives, which is reality. In a weird way, its normalcy was the thing that made it special and that felt like a good reason to do it. 

Growing up in Washington D.C., what was your introduction to the LGBTQ community?

God, you could argue it was probably Catholic school and noticing the priests. Not their behavior; I didn’t think anything nefarious was going on. I don’t think they were doing anything horrible to the boys of the school, but I remember thinking, “These men seem effeminate and they carry themselves in a different way, and I think these guys like other men, like other gay men I’ve seen.” 

They didn’t fit the typical heteronormative archetype. 

Yeah, exactly. And it was an odd kind of thing, where I thought, “Oh.” I’ve since come to think maybe the priesthood is like an enclave for people who aren’t comfortable with their sexuality and they wanna shut it down and they think, “Please make it go away. I’m just gonna go to this place and go to seminary school and hope that this feeling leaves me,” which is a shame. 

You strike me as the kind of guy who’s surrounded by gay men for various reasons.

Yeah, of course. I went to a very progressive high school that had gay boys in it. In college, it becomes quickly normalized. But you can’t live in New York and not be friends with every kind of person, whether they’re gay, trans, straight, whatever. 

You were ahead of the game?

Well, I think most people in the city or in pockets of the country were kind of ahead of the game. It felt like, “Wait, this conversation is still happening? Oh yeah, I guess it still is. I guess we do need to keep having this discussion.” (I) marvel at people who are still made uncomfortable by it. Like, how on earth? It’s like being made uncomfortable by a sofa; you’re like, “It’s a sofa.” It couldn’t be more normal. 

You should know that you’ve been called a “gay men’s dream” by the National Enquirer, probably their most accurate reporting.

Cut to 10 years later: Ew, who’s that old guy? (Laughs) 

No way. Our gay icons never age.

Oh yeah, that’s right!

So this movie: Was the title The Spy Who Dumped On Me ever considered?

(Laughs) It’s the James Bond they never made! Idris Elba, Daniel Craig, why wouldn’t you do that movie? 

RELATED:

Susanna’s friends call her the “lesbian whisperer.” And, of course, Kate McKinnon is queer and one of two leading ladies in this film.

It’s so cool. 

Did you get a lesbian read on Kate McKinnon’s character, Morgan, in the movie?

Yeah. But what I liked about her character: again, it wasn’t the focal (point). It’s kind of ambiguous. What she brought to the part was super hilarious. She works really hard on specific jokes, beats, alternate lines, trying to come up with other stuff that isn’t necessarily on the page or in the direction. Kate really goes in and scribbles on the sides (of her script) and it looks like A Beautiful Mind on her script. She approaches her work (in) really sort of (an) academic way. 

You’re long overdue for a gay role.

What’s the last one I’ve done? Maybe (my character) Kevin Garvey from The Leftovers is, who knows. Don’t tell anybody. No, I’m joking. (Laughs) You could argue he was really put-upon and maybe that was the reason why, ’cause he was in a hetero marriage.

(Theroux’s handler peeks in to say, “One last question.” “Two more,” Theroux whispers, giving me two fingers.)

What would you look for in a gay role now?

I don’t know. It’s really always the story. I want the story to be good and compelling. I want the character to be good and compelling, and that could be anything. A la Broken Hearts Club, you do sort of hope that eventually these all become just the background to the characters, because it’s way more interesting just playing the relationship and playing the story than it is playing the orientation.

If you were to date any of the guys you have played in your career, which ones might you go for? Personally, I’d shack up with Joe from Six Feet Under.

Joe in Six Feet Under was a sweetheart. But if I dated Joe, he was straight, and so I think that would be problematic.

He’s only straight till he drinks four beers.

Until he drinks four beers, then all bets are off! The bondage gear comes out. Like, we all know Joe liked being tied to the bed. (Laughs) I don’t know if there’s anyone I’d really wanna date. And it’s weird to think about dating yourself. Just visually awkward.

Actually, Matt McGrath’s Broken Hearts character was an adorable character. But I don’t know, I played some pretty f*cked up guys, so they all seem like they’re not great relationship material.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/08/16/justin-theroux-the-spy-you-wouldnt-mind-being-dumped-by/

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Stan Mikita, Erik Gryba's Laborious Weekend, and The Trade

Three Stars of Comedy

The third stars: Ryan Kesler and Ryan Johansen – Kesler took time out of his offseason schedule to reach out to his old friend in an attempt to arrange a street meeting, presumably for some sort of super-fun dance party.

And Johansen appeared to reply, even offering to chip in a few bucks to make it happen.

It's always nice to see a friendship in bloom. Here's hoping whatever sort of street festivities they have in mind are fun for everyone involved.

The second star: Eric Gryba – He recently had a baby, but don't worry, the recovery is going well.

The first star: Stan Mikita – The hockey world lost a legend this week when Mikita passed away at the age of 78. Tributes poured in from around the hockey world and beyond; even Chuck D weighed in.

And rightly so. Mikita was, quite literally, a game changer. He changed his own game, going from ranking near the top of the league in penalty minutes to winning back-to-back Lady Byngs. And he changed everyone else's game too, with his banana blade curve helping to revolutionize offensive hockey. He'll be missed, even as his memory lives on.

Anyway, here's Stan Mikita doing what he did best, which was being awesome:

Outrage of the Week

The issue: It's August and nothing is happening, so somebody wrote a ranked list of things. The outrage: You're mad about it. Is it justified: Sure. Fill your boots.

Getting really angry over somebody's ranked list is always kind of lame. We covered this last year, when we pointed out that people tend to get worked up over who isn't on the list without wanting to make the tough calls about who shouldn't be. If you read a list and you're super angry, settle down.

But getting a little angry is fine. It's kind of the whole point. And again, it's August and 90 percent of the league's newsmakers are drinking red wine on a dock somewhere, so anything that can cause your hockey brain to engage for a few moments is a good thing.

So when you see something like the NHL Network firing up their annual list of top players and they don't have Jonathan Toews as a top 20 center, go ahead and complain. Are they right? [Looks around and lowers voice so Blackhawks fans can't hear.] Yeah, probably. But maybe not! Having a friendly-ish debate over this stuff is a better use of our hockey fan time than live-tweeting line rushes from every random rookie tournament.

The same goes for the bigger stuff, like Corey Pronman's month-long ranking of NHL farm systems. He's counting down from worst to best, which means he'll get to your favorite team way too early. Doesn't he realize your team has, like, five sure-thing blue chippers, by which we mean guys who have already established themselves as decent AHLers even though they're only 27? What a moron!

He's not a moron, of course, and neither are the NHL Network guys or whoever else comes up with this sort of list. Ranked lists are hard work, and I say this as someone who may have done one or two over the years. But they're meant to be fun. Read them, disagree with them, debate them with friends and foes alike. Don't flip out over them, but other than that, enjoy.

(Unless they make a list and then don't actually rank it. That's the coward's way out.)

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Last week, we bemoaned the lack of decent nicknames for hockey lines. On Wednesday, the date was 8/8/18 and everyone celebrated by making references to number eight. All of that seems like a sign that this week's obscure player should be Brent Fedyk.

Fedyk went to Detroit with the eighth overall pick in 1985, a draft that was notorious for not being very good because the first overall pick punched all the other good players into orbit immediately after being chosen. Still, Fedyk was a decent enough pick, having put up strong numbers in the WHL. He'd spend two more seasons in junior and most of two more in the AHL before finally slipping into semi-regular NHL duty during the 1989-90 season. But his breakthrough came the following year, as he scored 16 goals for the Red Wings. That was followed by a disappointing five-goal season, and that was it for his time in Detroit; he was traded to the Flyers for a fourth-round pick on the eve of the 1992-93 season.

Normally, that sort of move would have been long forgotten. But Fedyk wasn't the only new Flyers forward that year; they'd also added a kid named Eric Lindros, and he needed some linemates. One would end up being the team's leading scorer, Mark Recchi. The other would be Fedyk, and the journeyman would turn the opportunity to play with a pair of Hall-of-Famers into back-to-back 20-goal seasons.

The line would stay together for much of those first two season, and became known as the "Crazy Eights" line because Fedyk wore 18, Recchi wore 8 and Lindros had his famous 88. As line nicknames go, it wasn't The French Connection or The Triple Crown Line, but it wasn't bad.

Unfortunately for Fedyk, an even better one was right around the corner. Early in the 1994-95 season, the Flyers traded Recchi to Montreal. The deal brought John LeClair to Philadelphia, and he was immediately put on a line with Lindros and rookie Mikael Renberg. The Crazy Eights had been good, but the newly formed Legion of Doom was even better, and it's the Lindros line everyone remembers to this day.

Fedyk lasted one more season in Philadelphia before being traded to Dallas for Trent Klatt. He'd spend half a season with the Stars, then two years in the IHL before getting a last shot at the NHL with the Rangers. He played 67 games and scored four goals during the 1998-99 season, his last in the league. All told, he played 470 NHL games, scoring 97 times.

I'm still kind of mad that he didn't get to be in this commercial.

Debating the Issues

This week’s debate: The Carolina Hurricanes are holding a fan vote to pick this year's goal song, and one of the candidates is a version of "Brass Bonanza", the old Hartford Whalers theme. Should Hurricanes fans vote for "Brass Bonanza"?

In favor: Yes.

Opposed: Yes.

In favor: Cool, good debate.

Opposed: Yep. See you next week.

The final verdict: Wait, guys?

In favor: Yes?

The final verdict: Any chance you could stretch this out a bit? It's August, and nothing interesting has happened in the NHL in, like, three weeks. You'd be helping us out if you could at least pretend this was a tough call.

Opposed: But it's not.

In favor: Yeah. "Brass Bonanza" is the greatest hockey instrumental of all time, so of course the Carolina Hurricanes should play it after every goal. If we're being honest, every team in the league should.

The final verdict: Humor us.

In favor: Fine. But I'm the "in favor" guy, so I still get to say yes. You can go ahead and come up with a reason to be against it.

Opposed: Man.

In favor: Yeah, good luck.

Opposed: OK, how about this. I mean, it's the Carolina Hurricanes. They're technically the same franchise, but they're not the Hartford Whalers. Maybe some traditions should be allowed to die with their old teams. Wouldn't this be kind of like when the Coyotes tried to steal the Winnipeg Whiteout?

In favor: That's a terrible argument.

Opposed: Dude, I'm trying my best here.

In favor: OK. But it's still a terrible argument. For one, the Hurricanes already brought it back last season, so that bridge has been crossed. But more importantly, let's face it, Hartford isn't Winnipeg. That market is not coming back someday, so there's no reason to preserve their traditions beyond sentimentality. Sentimentality is indeed a good reason to do things sometimes. But not now, because "Brass Bonanza" is the best and there's a whole generation of hockey fans who don't have it stuck in their heads like we all did growing up.

Opposed: Alright. How about this: The Hurricanes aren't actually proposing that they use Brass Bonanza—they're offering up something called "Brass Bonanza (Techno Remix)." Techno sucks.

In favor: Counterpoint: Sometimes techno is freaking great.

Opposed: Damn, well played.

In favor: Thank you.

Opposed: OK, but can we at least acknowledge that there are people out there who don't like "Brass Bonanza"?

In favor: Name them.

Opposed: Uh… Brian Burke.

In favor: And…

Opposed: .. and that it's. That's the whole list.

In favor: I think we'd done here.

Opposed: Want to go listen to "Brass Bonanza" for ten straight hours?

In favor: You know it.

The final verdict: Hurricanes fans, you know what you have to do.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Yesterday marked the 30th anniversary of The Trade, the blockbuster deal that sent Wayne Gretzky to the Kings and changed the face of hockey forever. Today, let's look back at the reaction to that deal among the people that always matter most – shiny rich celebrities.

I'm not actually sure where or when this clip is from, but it starts off with an old school "We interrupt this program" alert. For you youngsters out there, this is how we used to get our breaking news back in the day, before we could just log onto social media and wonder why everyone was angry about and try to figure out what had happened based on who was yelling about what. Back then, a scary guy would just shut off whatever show you were watching and make you think you were about to die for a few seconds. Honestly, it was a better system.

In this case, nobody is dying unless you count Peter Pocklington's reputation. Instead, we get footage of Wayne Gretzky trying on his new Kings' jersey. This is of course the second press conference from that day, following the infamous "I promised Mess I wouldn't do this" tear-jerker.

Random question: What do you think happened to that striped shirt Gretzky was wearing at those press conferences? It was an interesting choice. Very slimming. I think I kind of want to buy it.

The press conference leads into a quick montage of Gretzky arriving in Los Angeles, highlighted by an appearance by a teenaged Gord Miller. We're told that the trade is a big deal in L.A., and you can tell it's true because that one photographer has sprung for like six balloons. Gretzky was never more than a three-balloon guy in Edmonton, I tell you.

I'll admit I got way too excited at 1:15 when the beat drops and they show Bruce McNall nodding in the back of a limo and for about two seconds I thought he was about to drop the most fire rap track of 1988. There's probably a "99 Problems" joke here but I'm not finding it.

We get a montage of Gretzky being introduced to an adoring L.A. crowd, as we get to play a fun game of "spot the late-80s celebrity." There's John Candy, Magic Johnson, Goldie Hawn and (I think) a young Kate Hudson. We also get Luc Robitaille explaining how nobody cared about the Kings until Gretzky showed up. He seems thrilled about that, by the way.

"Wayne Gretzky… a definite plus." Typical dumb Kings fans, evaluating players using plus-minus instead of more advanced stats.

We hear McNall tell us about how the Kings went from having 5,000 fans a night to being sold out every game. That's not actually true, although attendance did jump by about 3,000 fans per game. Look, cut McNall a break, he didn't turn out to be all that great with accurate numbers.

More celebrity sightings, including Tom Hanks, Sylvester Stallone, Kevin Costner, and even Ronald Reagan. We also get a shot of Michael J. Fox, even though he's supposed to be a diehard Bruins fan, so apparently there were some sellouts in L.A. (But I'm going to easy on him, because he's going to provide us with some fun next week.)

We hear from Marty McSorley before cutting back to Robitaille, who talks about being a star-struck Canadian. A few years later, he was dropping f-bombs in Van Damme movies. Fame will do that to a kid.

The highlight of the video comes around 3:05, as a lady points out that "the only hockey player anybody in Los Angeles has ever heard of is this Wayne guy" while dropping the kind of eye-roll my pre-teen daughter would be proud of. We don't find out who she is, but I'm going to ahead and assume she's the embittered president of the Tim Tookey fan club.

At this point our clip suddenly changes direction, with darker tones and somber music. You're half expecting to hear the narrator say "And that's when it all went wrong," followed by the story of Gretzky accidentally killing a cameraman during one of those "Take a slap shot directly at the camera" clips they made him do for absolutely everything back then.

Nope, it's just more bragging about how many tickets they sold. Man, they make it sound like nobody in Los Angeles could take their eyes of Wayne Gretzky. Of course, as we'd later find out, that wasn't quite true.

And with that, our clip is done. We don't even get to the awkward SNL hosting stint, or the Saturday morning cartoon, or the time McNall and Candy convinced him to buy the NFL's top draft pick. Man, the Gretzky-in-L.A. era was a weird but fascinating time. Too bad Roman Vopat had to come along and ruin it.

Needless to say, we'll never see another trade like this one, mainly because this is the modern-day NHL and we'll never see another trade, period. Still, hockey fans can always hold out hope. Keep an eye on those breaking news bulletins, just in case.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.

DGB Grab Bag: Stan Mikita, Erik Gryba's Laborious Weekend, and The Trade published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

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Please, Don’t Let ‘Set It Up’ Be the Future of Rom-Coms

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Please, Don’t Let ‘Set It Up’ Be the Future of Rom-Coms

Everyone’s talking about Netflix’s newest romantic comedy, Set It Up. Some are heralding it as the return of the romantic comedy. It’s hard to find a negative review, which is why I’ve spent the 24 hours since I saw it wondering if I watched a different movie. I understand the appeal of its unapologetic cheerfulness, even if it didn’t speak to me specifically, but I’m struggling to wrap my head around the idea that it somehow moves the rom-com needle, as so many are claiming it does. If this is progress, I think we need to expect more.

Admittedly, the last romantic comedy I remember being excited to see was Obvious Child, which came out in 2014. Before that, it was Easy A, in 2010. There was a time though — you could say my entire adolescence — when rom-coms were my drug of choice. I owned and watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Two Weeks Notice, Notting Hill, Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, You’ve Got Mail, 50 First Dates, The Wedding Planner and most of their generational counterparts enough times to memorize each of their male protagonist’s romantic speeches, which usually appear about 95 percent of the way through the film, always to win back the girl. Sometimes I started them over immediately after the credits rolled, just to rewatch them with the director’s commentary. (R.I.P. DVD extras.) It wouldn’t be unfair to say that the late-’90s-early-aughts rom-com boom played a large role in shaping how my younger self saw the adult world. It informed how I identified myself, who I wanted to be when I grew up, how I flirted. I’d resent that if I hadn’t been such a willing participant.

While it’s true that even commercially successful rom-coms have rarely received critical acclaim, there was a time when the genre carried a certain cultural cachet and was capable of making A-list stars out of B-list actors, shaping romantic attitudes and generally steering the zeitgeist. That was over a decade ago. In the years since, the original mid-budget rom-com has been pushed out by multi-hundred-million-dollar extended-universe sequels and reboots and remakes. But it’s not just about money — tastes have changed, too. Some blame Hollywood’s disinterest in stories about women (or Katherine Heigl, generally); others blame a lack of depth and nuance. Regardless, the classic rom-com formula that guaranteed success in the early aughts came to look and feel old-fashioned, both in its technical execution and especially in the tropes it traded in.

But in the past couple years, rom-coms have regained some of their lost footing in popular culture, with people like Emily Nussbaum, Mindy Kaling and Chrissy Teigen defending the genre as a valid art form. At the forefront of this neo-rom-com revolution, as you might expect, is Netflix. According to IndieWire, Set It Up, which stars Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs, is the seventh rom-com the media service-cum-production studio has put out in 2018. And for some reason, it hit a feel-good nerve the others didn’t.

“Set It Up is remarkably refreshing,” writes Elena Nicolaou for Refinery29. “The movie marks the first time the classic rom-com format has been shaped around our particular moment in history, and made specific to the millennial experience.”

“This film has it all — at least by the standards of a fun, disposable romantic comedy, the likes of which Hollywood rarely bothers to release anymore,” writes David Sims for The Atlantic. “Set It Up might just feel like a fluffy rom-com, but it could also be the start of a genuine realignment within the industry.”

“It’s not perfect, certainly, but it’s an emotional support blanket of a film, an old-fashioned rom-com led by stars with palpitating chemistry. I see myself putting it on every so often, scanning to hit my favorite scenes,” writes Esther Zuckerman for Thrillest.

My Set It Up movie-watching experience more closely resembled a vigorous exercise class than an emotionally supportive snuggle. As in, my cohorts spent the duration groaning or calling it quits, while my sister, who suggested it, apologized profusely for what she’d done. She swore she saw positive reviews, but maybe they’d been satires? Turns out they were not, but the joke was still on us.

Written by Katie Silberman and directed by Claire Scanlon, Set It Up follows Harper (Zoey Deutch) and Charlie (Glenn Powell), two overworked assistants who work for high-powered, high-maintenance bosses: an ESPN journalist named Kristen (Lucy Liu) and a venture capital executive named Rick (Taye Diggs). When Harper and Charlie meet-cute in the lobby of the New York high-rise building they all work in, they conspire to set up Kristen and Rick in the hopes that love might make their bosses less ambitious and thus free up their schedules.

The story is cheesy, full of plotholes, and generally predictable, but that’s to be expected in a rom-com. In fact, people who know the genre better than I do have broken down exactly why Set It Up lives up to its predecessors so successfully. What confounds me most are the myriad claims that Set It Up retains what’s great about the classic rom-com, nixes the more offensive qualities and updates it for today. With all due respect, I do not agree.

To the movie’s credit, it is distinct from the rom-coms of the aughts in a few ways. For one, it is technically more racially diverse than its forbearers, with Liu and Diggs in two of the four lead roles. It also makes an attempt at subverting gender stereotypes by casting a man and woman as a cowering assistant and intimidating boss, respectively. Unfortunately, the execution of these decisions ultimately reveals more about the creators’ awareness of how to check boxes than actually be progressive. The story and characters are just a groan-inducing as, say, those in The Wedding Planner, albeit more unlikeable, in my opinion.

Take the movie’s handling of race. Set It Up may star Liu and Diggs — for which it’s been applauded — but race is never addressed as a part of the modern experience, and the story is actually about their two assistants, played by white actors Deutch and Powell, whose personalities are given more attention and nuance. Casting people of color is a good first step, but it’s worth remembering that representation in movies is also about giving those characters nuance, telling their stories and placing their stories in a world where race exists — especially if it’s set in modern-day New York City. It’s hard to imagine that ever being done well as long as the vast majority of movies continue to be written, cast and directed by white people, as Set It Up was.

Sexism and gender, however, is addressed, at least in small moments — possibly the result of the film being written and directed by women. Unfortunately, this doesn’t guarantee success either. As Glenn Kenny wrote for The New York Times in her review of the movie, “[T]he expectation that a female-written, female-directed effort would yield something refreshingly different is scotched within the first few minutes.” The female characters mostly fall flat. Harper is rom-com-recognizable in that she’s beautiful but doesn’t know it, lives in a huge apartment but is an assistant, loves pizza more than her friends, and loves sports. She’s a classic Gone Girl-style “cool girl.” Kristen is a frigid, sexless career woman who, despite knowing how to handle herself professionally, is totally clueless about dating. And then there’s Charlie’s girlfriend: a beautiful model who has no personality. None of it makes me angry; it just makes me yawn. But my ears perk when someone calls the movie “specific to the millennial experience.”

Not every piece of media has to be seamless and say something meaningful; some might argue rom-coms are best when they do neither. But shows like Insecure and Dear White People and movies like The Big Sick and Bridesmaids prove that the marriage of romance and comedy can be delightful, digestible and feel distinctly new, even if it isn’t always perfect or realistic. To me, modernizing the genre has less to do with making the white female protagonist like sports and have career aspirations (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days did both in 2003) and more to do with telling stories we haven’t heard before through characters we haven’t met before.

Maybe rom-coms just want to be fun popcorn flicks and I’ve simply lost my taste for them. And that’s fine! I’m happy to skip the next one. But when they’re reviewed as beacons of progress or watched en masse and become cultural touchstones, like Set It Up has, I think it’s worth asking if our expectations are high enough.

Feature photo via Netflix.

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