#A Bookmark Near the End

[nyxbarb]

He loves history. He wanted to write a biography of John Quincy Adams. I, shamefully, knew almost nothing about John Quincy Adams, so I went online and bought every biography of him I could find. One day, he called me, claiming that we wouldn't work out long term. He said he loved me but that we had different interests. "What does love mean to you?" I said. "That's an impossible question," he replied. I, however, find love to be quite simple. Love is the stack of biographies on my nightstand with a bookmark near the end.

— by Julia Nicole Camp; A Bookmark Near the End.

[voidnewtella]

ah yes the four poems on [tumblr]'s poetry course syllabus:

1) the orange by wendy cope,

2) a bookmark near the end by julia nicole camp,

3) two-headed calf by laura gilpin, and

4) wild geese by mary oliver

[dhoklaaminoacid]

[aesterea]

I've been meaning to ask for a while, how did you come up with your tagging system? You seem to have a lot of fitting quotes for a lot of categories and I'm just curious how you came up with that

i've always tagged extensively (and maybe a little obsessively), but using quotes as categories was not really an original idea. i saw other people doing it first, and it seemed like a fun and very pretty way to tag for themes.

it had also pained me for years that a lot of beautiful, poignant ideas would get lost in my "words" or "favorite words" tag (there are literally hundreds of pages of "words" on my old blog, and already over a hundred on this one). i wanted to be able to find the things that really struck me and stuck with me, and i wanted to be able to group ideas together so i could return to them, read through them, and chew on them sometimes. so i started tagging for "love and death" and "love like religion" and "monstrous women," but even those weren't precise enough. so i started using quotes that got at specific things. lines of poetry, pieces of prose, song lyrics that struck any chord that just kept singing inside me (a couple of them are actually my own writing).

also, i have this tendency of reading things and going, "oh, this is reminds me of this other thing!!" so i enjoy drawing those connections and quietly sharing them for anyone who enjoys reading them.

an added bonus is i can use a quote to refer to Something Important To Me that i don't want to mention publicly. also!! i can use them for my friends, and every time i tag something that reminds me of someone, i get to tell them i love them!! (see: "a heart that beats. a voice that speaks the truth" and "i know i have found a friend forevermore" and "love you to the moon and to saturn")

i've lost track of all the ones i use at this point (i have several dozen listed on a doc, but not everything is on there), but i'll list a few of my favorites in the tags of this post! unfortunately, there won't be a whole lot here, since i remade my blog just a little over a year ago. there are a ton on the old account. maybe i'll do something similar for the old one, if anyone is interested in that. it'd be pretty convenient for me, anyway.

[6peaches]

Julia Nicole Camp - A Bookmark Near the End

He loves history. He wanted to write a biography of John Quincy Adams. I, shamefully, knew almost nothing about John Quincy Adams, so I went online and bought every biography of him I could find. One day, he called me, claiming that we wouldn’t work out long term. He said he loved me but that we had different interests. “What does love mean to you?” I said. “That’s an impossible question,” he replied. I, however, find love to be quite simple. Love is the stack of biographies on my nightstand with a bookmark near the end.

- A Bookmark Near the End by Julia Nicole Camp

[fizzytoo]

nothing better than a pancake breakfast

and im reminded of when a teenage adrien made pancakes for a baby julie 😔

[anigozanthos]

there's a terrible sense of finality when it comes to finishing The Shepherds Crown.

[extraclwnporeal]

Steve Harrington's relationship with love.

All the loving, all the lack of it. All the being loved in the end.

The Harrington's house was big and warm, at first, and their little Steven was welcomed with anticipation and want. The little one had warm food, plenty of toys, frequent visits of family's friends, and bedtime stories that ended with forehead kisses for some good years, all mostly from the hands of his mother. His smile was frequent and it felt like love. And of course, it didn't last — but, God, it was good once.

When Mr. Harrington's job stopped demanding for frequent flights, the house quickly changed. His low and scary voice was new to Steve — that only knew his mommy's melodic tone and her friends high pitched voices —, and it was used to say some new things to him, too. Things that made he think that maybe his hair wasn't so beautiful, or that the bad grades he got sometimes meant he didn't deserve good ones at all.

Once he was old enough to notice bad patterns, his parent's relationship didn't look like love either. It sounded and looked and even smelled wrong. The time Mrs. Harrington spent in the bathroom so she didn't have to talk to her husband, her beautiful confident voice fading and giving place to a shy voice that didn't sound like her at all. The frequent arguing, the way they glared at each other with nothing other than disdain and ressentment, and how they hated each other with such intensity there was no more space to love their son — it was all wrong.

When Steve got into high school, things seemed to change a little. From other eyes he discovered he could be a new person, just a handsome and charming jock who's easy to love. There were hands to hold, mouths to kiss and eyes glued on his back anywhere he went, and it almost felt like love. He called it love — with his hope disguised as certainty and experience.

He was sure it was love, yeah, sure, it must be. So, when Carol Perkins broke up with Tommy H. for the first time, Steve was sure of what do to, what to say. Steve got him into his car and drove him to Lover's Lake to clear his mind, already planning on taking him to parties and finding somebody new — even though he would miss Carol too. But Tommy started talking, confessing things he never thought he would. Steve listened to his best friend talk about how his relationship was flawed — how it lacked something so bitter to say they just acknowledged it without putting into words. His friend went silent, trying to muffle a cry, and so did Steve, thus their pain was shared in a weird bond. Then Tommy — a disheveled and exasperated Tommy — put his put his hands on Steve's shoulders and his mouth oh-so-close to Steve's mouth for a minute, a solid minute the seemed to make the noise of tiny waves of the lake go silent. But Tommy just let Steve go, mumbling a low "love is shitty, man".

Then Steve understood. God, he changed his mind for good. He knew nothing about love.

A lot of other girls happened, and it was not love. Some boys happened, and it was not love, but sure it was new. Nancy happened, and it was almost love. Yeah, but love, raw and bare love, was still far from showing up.

Out of high school and out of his peak as King Steve, he was a little lost — if not completely. He started working, gaining some money, planning a future, thinking about living his life rather than thinking about love.

Patiently, love showed itself. There was Dustin, whose smile was also Steve's smile. He was the one to first make his old persona crumble, "cause popularity was always a dumb and limitating concept anyways". Steve gave Dustin his best advices and haircare routine, and in return, Dustin gave Steve brotherhood, with it's secret handshakes and a spot kept with love at the Henderson's dinner table.

Then there was Robin, and rather than a girlfriend, Steve met his sister, half of his soul. His dawns were placed at the side of his telephone in the kitchen, telling her secrets and hearing her laugh. His closet had drawers and a whole door filled with her baggy clothes, so she'd have them in their sleepover nights — even though she's used to steal Steve's clothes by now.

Then Steve met — the correct way this time, because high school Steve was a jerk — Eddie, and it was easy to love him. At first, sure, there was jealousy. Well, all his friends loved Eddie, and he wanted to know what was all that fuss about. He was met with crooked smiles, beautiful brown eyes and a guy that was so unapologetically himself it was scary. Then, the nerdy jokes and rambles and his always flirtatious tone showed up. And with some more time, you couldn't spot Eddie without his Steve. Eddie threw himself at Steve's heart like there was a spot there with his name written on it the whole time. Maybe it was, who knows.

Steve said he didn't know love, but it was only until he was able to look at his once empty house — that his parents left for him when they left Hawkins for good —, now full of laughter and good memories, and call it a home.

Love came to him as if it was the easiest thing in the world, as if it was bound to happen. Steve figured, love is driving teenagers around even though their high pitched voices give you headaches and they leave your car a mess. Love is listening to their problems when they need you to. Love is finally learning how to make proper meals cause now you have lots of mouths to feed. Love is listening to your best friend talk about the same problems over and over and give her the same advices she gave you over and over, just cause she needed you to say it. Love is driving her everywhere because you're both scared of losing that routine, and love is still driving her everywhere even though she has a license now. Love is having company for crying sessions just like you had when you were laughing. Love is never spending birthdays alone again. Love is having a hand that will caress your back to help you sleep, with it's cold rings that always makes you shiver. Love is looking at his face and thinking about making it work, thinking about a bright, happy future. Love is forgetting what privacy is in the sweetest way possible, cause you have company in the bathroom even when you're pissing at night. Love is giving up the last piece of apple pie even though it's your favorite, because it's your best friend's favorite too. Love is receiving gifts for mothers days, birthdays, christmas, thanksgivings, or just because they felt like giving you something. Love is listening to your brother talk about his interests nonstop even though you don't understand a word of it, just because it makes him smile. Love is the stack of D&D handbooks on your nightstand with their bookmarks near the end.

[simcardiac-arrested]

artfitgt (mad)

[markets]

pathetic girl moment from this month: Kissed a rlly cute american girl lost track of her then two nights later made out with her friend in front of her by accident Whoopsssssssss

YELLOOOOO😭😭😭 girlbloggers have been losing lately l;ike that is some morbcurse level BAD LUCK how did that HAPPEN TO YOUYUYYU If it makes u feel any better i bought ttwo math books for this guy one of them being tthis massive textbook thing and idont even think he cares about the fact that im aliveHE JSUT SENT A MESSAGE IN A GROUP CHAT SAYING "Okey Dokey"😭😭😭😭😭

[moonlitswimmingpooltv]

thinking about the line “now i’ve read all of the books beside your bed” because i know a bunch of people have said this, but that’s genuinely one of the most romantic things she’s ever written. like, you took the time to read all of my favourite books ? you didn’t have to but you went out of your way to read something that i value enough to keep on my bedside table at all times, and by extension, you got to know that part of me! idk man if anyone ever did that i’d marry them instantly

[teacher-with-bad-handwriting]

I binged Lost because a cute guy in my speech class I was talking to did a presentation about his favorite show

I watched all of Game Theory on YouTube cuz my Tinder match said he was obsessed with it

I know about Dwarven Forge because I listened to my first boyfriend talk about what he played

I have been to so many sporting events because my man wanted to do something “we could both enjoy”

No one’s ever watched my favorite movie with me

No one’s ever read my fan fiction when I told them what I do for fun

No one’s ever taken an interest in my hobbies to get to know me better…

[loverlylight]

We got to 155.5k! If they were planning on continuing the milestone unlocks every 2.5k raised trend, that means we've passed two unlocks before they even had a chance to post what they could be~

[your-local-granny]

going thru my pretty words tag to find a quote to put on my shoes but now im just crying

[vvideonasties]

thinking about a bookmark near the end from julia nicole camp again. this is so evil

[ghosty1111]

mental health vent undercut teehee *anime head bonk* ^ڡ^

im so worried that the company i interviewed at isnt gonna get back to me. ive been applying to jobs for almost 3 years now and ive only gotten one other interview before this(that i got rejected from). the interviewer mixed up on telling me what job i was being interviewed for(i applied to 2 at the company) and didnt tell me the real one until the end of the interview. so i fear i messed it up by talking about it in the context of a different job. i emailed them after this about it and its almost been a week(the interviewer said theyd get back to me in a couple days).

the other problem im having is ive been avoiding replying to emails for the """job""" i technically have as an assistant art teacher for bday parties for some art company bc ive been so convinced i wont do well at the job due to my mental health and i shouldnt do it. i have one already booked for the 6th so i have no choice, the emails were for other future work. im embarrassed that i cant just get myself to do something even this small, but also my brain has become All Or Nothing levels of stubborn in regard to work(either i get a fulltime wellpaying job that can allow me to move out or it isnt worth it). even tho this job would be good for SOME money, my brain keeps trying to convince me that im too fatigued and suicidal and its not worth it at this point. that i deserve better.

im tired of being stubborn and having high expectations for life but i cant help it if i want something worthwhile after spending every single day feeling like shit and hating being alive. they all said this feeling would eventually go away if i continued to work on fixing it. but it hasnt. everyone makes fun of this 'negative teenage view' of life, but why would i want to make something that makes me feel worse? its not as easy as just 'changing your views and faking it' trust me ive tried so many times. and i burnout so fast every time. my body isnt meant to live like that and i hate it.

my mom said that i shouldnt get a fulltime job bc what if i cant handle it, and i said that i would rather try an option that would potentially change my life and find out for sure that im not meant for being alive, rather than wasting my energy on something that changes nothing. i hate my suicidal mentality.