#AND I GOT THROUGH ALL THE WORST CASE SCENARIOS ALREADY. I DIDNT DIE. I DIDNT LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM EVEN

[aropride]

mfw all the worst case scenarios for this one specific situation have already happened so it can literally only go uphill from here

[sablesides-writing-corner]

Can You Do ‘  aren’t you afraid of me?  ’ With ThVi Where Thomas Is A Vampire And Virgils Just Taking A Stroll In The Woods? At Night?

Virgil was many things, stupid, reckless, angry. But despite all this he was rarely afraid anymore. Sure he had constant anxiety, after all that's the entire reason he was running away, they didnt know how to take care of a teenage boy like that, and certainly not when they didnt believe he was a really a boy in the first place.

So Virgil did what he had to do, took the scissors one of the nurses had left on his desk, chopped off his hair, stolen his favorite hoodie, and fled into the woods.

Now here was the thing about teenage boys running away into the woods, especially those coming from Mrs. Hatfield's Home for Worst Case Scenarios; they didnt have survival skills, nor any will to survive at all really. Some had toys and pets and treasured objects that they were allowed to keep, at least that gave them something.

Virgil was not one such child, he was left on the doorstep at five years old after his first panic attack, shaking and thinking he was going to die, and he was given nothing but a pill bottle and two appointments a week to sit in a chair and talk about his problems.

That was what bothered him, no one really wanted to talk about problems, no, they wanted to know what they could use against you to keep you in line. So when the nurses dragged him off to therapy, Virgil lied. He told them made up stories about nightmares he had or how the dosage for his medication was off, and then he'd watch them and see what they did.

There was another thing Virgil remembered about the home, their myths. Always saying not to go into the woods because the big scary vampires and witches and werewolves would grab you and eat you up. Sometimes kids would disappear and the nurses would say that they got kidnapped and eaten. Virgil didnt buy that story either, oh no, those things werent scary at all compared to old ladies in masks glaring down at you while you tried to sleep in because the food they served tasted like mush and you'd rather wait for the nice doctor in the grey cardigan and blue shirt to slide some biscuits and orange juice through the flap in your door; and certainly nothing compared to bright lights being shoved in your face while an old man with two ex-wives and six kids he doesnt pay child support for asks you why you hate yourself.

Virgil heard a twig snap under his foot, he looked around for anything dangerous, but found nothing and continued on.

A little later, something grabbed him by the face, covering his mouth. Virgil elbowed the attacker in the stomach, they let out a groan of pain.

"Who are you! What'd you want!" Virgil said, half-yelling and half-whispering.

"Thomas, I'm here for your blood," the boy stepped out of the shadows, he looked Virgil's age, with brown hair and brown eyes that looked almost golden, and fangs, he had very large, very dangerous looking, fangs.

"What is this? A blood drive?" Virgil crossed his arms.

"Arent you afraid of me?" Thomas seemed taken aback by the reaction.

"No, not really, I bet those fangs of yours pop right out dont they, which doctor are you anyway? How'd you find me so fast?" Virgil said, lowering his head and glaring slightly.

"Doctor?" Thomas was about to offer more questions when sirens sounded from the direction of the facility. Thomas grabbed Virgil by the arm and rushed into the woods.

They ran for what seemed like hours before Thomas finally held Virgil to his chest and rolled into a cave.

"You come from there?" Thomas said, eyes wide.

"Yeah? What about it?" Virgil said, he could feel the bandages around his chest digging into his skin, the dress they made him wear wasnt doing wonders for his comfort level either.

"Hold on, you dont look to good," Thomas said.

"Dont change the subje-" but Thonas had already left.

He came back a little later with what looked like a pale form-fitting drop-top, some sweat pants, and a black t-shirt.

"Go put these on, and take off those bandages, they're not safe," Thomas said.

"How did you know about the-"

"The impression of them on the outside of your clothes," Thomas said simply, pointing Virgil in the direction of another room.

Virgil walked back later after getting himself changed, he felt better now, his chest didnt feel so weird, and it didnt feel like it was bruising anymore either.

"See? Much better," Thomas said, ruffling Virgil's hair.

"So how old are you anyway Mr. Vampire?" Virgil asked.

"Oh I'm 17, in human and vampire years, I was born, not turned," Thomas said.

"Same, but minus the vampire thing," Virgil replied.

"Could've fooled me, you were practically glowing out there, you're lucky I'm the one that found you," Thomas said with a laugh. Virgil nudged him in the ribs slightly.

"So what made you run away?" Thomas asked.

"Got tired of it, they dont let you age out here, they wouldve just carted me off to an asylum uf i didnt get any better by twenty one, so I left on my own terms," Virgil answered, muttering slightly.

Virgil and Thomas hung out for a long time, Thomas keeping Virgil safe from monsters and scientists and doctors, and Virgil sharing stories about the home. About the doctor who gave out biscuits and orange juice if you waited for him, the twins in the basement room that look like someone tried to sew them together.

"That place sounds awful," Thomas said.

"It is, it really is. . ." Virgil said.

"Well, it's a good thing you dont have to think about it anymore, happy birthday Virgil," Thomas said, placing a kiss on Virgil's cheek. Virgil's face went scarlet as he blew the candles out on the cake Thomas made for him.

"Thanks Thomas,"

"My pleasure Vi,"

[godlydolans]

10 & 13 😘

10-“The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”

13-“I lost our baby.”

"What's up, guys. I'm back." Ethan speaks quietly in the bathroom, one of the smaller filming cameras they use, held in his hand. "As you can see, Grayson is not with me right now and I'm filming this piece secretly in my bathroom. You know what that means-" he pauses for dramatic affect, pulling the infamous turtleman face, "Someone's getting pranked! And it's not Grayson this time."

He bursts out laughing before he can go on and explain what's going on. He never thought he'd have a couples prank video on his channel, but here he is, filming the intro to said video.

"So I'm gonna be pulling the "I lost our baby" prank on my girl. And I know it's cruel of me to do this to her but I haven't pranked her in a long while and she doesn't really respond well to any of my mediocre pranks so I had to pull out the big guns, also known as my one year old son."

He proceeds to tell the whole plan to the camera, talking about how he would take your son with him when he takes the trash out and Grayson would have the kid from there, taking him to the nearby park for some 'Uncle Gray and little mans' time. "Then I'll come back into the house and ask her where Y/S/N is. When she'll start looking for him around the house, she won't find him and she will lose her shit. And guys, this is all a joke okay? It's not okay to lose your kid-like I can't even bear the thought of losing my son somewhere, I'll die on the spot. Be careful with your kids and keep an eye on them when you go out with them. Those suckers tend to run off on you but remember, the ladies love a guy who’s good with kids and I'm great with my kid and my lady loves me to death..."

He trails off, looking to the side as a small smirks grows on his lips, "I don't know if I'll still be able to say that after this video though."

The hidden cameras were already set up last night when you'd gone to bed so you wouldn't suspect anything. The only thing left to do now was to go according to plan. Ethan shuts off the camera and places it on the counter before he walks out of the bathroom. The first thing he sees once he walks into the room is his cute little baby boy sitting on the king sized bed, surrounded by countless big pillows to prevent him from diving off the bed and onto the ground. He is Ethan's son through and through. He possess the same crib escaping skills that his father had when he was a baby.

When he watches his daddy come into the room, his baby punk lips split into a contagious grin, displaying two cute little teeth on the front. Ethan's heart melts right on the spot and he makes his way to him, watching how his baby extends out to him one of the tiny toy cars he was playing with.

"There's my little seed," Ethan lifts his son in his arms and places a kiss on his chubby cheek. The baby giggles, returning a rather sloppy kiss on his father's stubbly cheek. Ethan looks down to the little red toy car that his son holds in his hands, the red colour of it is glossy from the saliva that covers it. His son just loves to put everything he touches into his mouth. "Damn, you've properly washed your car with your spit, huh? Is that the new way to wash cars, bub?"

The kid replies with a cute little smile.

"You smell so good, bub! Did mommy give you a bath? Huh?"

You always keep the baby smelling amazing and Ethan loves that. If anyone asks him what his favourite smell in the world is, his answer would no longer be The Ethan Dolan signature scent. Fresh baby smell has replaced that.

"You ready to go see uncle Gray?" Ethan bounces his child in his arms, "your uncle is waiting outside! Good thing mommy got you ready for the day."

And just like that, he goes out to the living room with the baby in his arms happily chewing on his car. Ethan hears you in the laundry room when he calls out to you.

"I'm gonna take the trash out real quick!" He informs you and hears your response immediately.

"Okay!" You yell from the laundry room, unable to see either your husband or your son in his arms.

When he comes back into the house, he is alone. Grayson took his nephew when Ethan came out of the house and they are currently sitting in his Porsche parked outside. Ethan gives the hidden camera on the bookshelf a thumbs up and gets ready to act.

"Babe?! Is Y/S/N with you?!" Ethan yells, getting your attention as you make your way out of the laundry room.

"He's in our bedroom." You reply casually, remembering how you left him on the bed to play with his toys so you could do your work peacefully. You remember Ethan telling you madt night that he was going to be busy today, filming at the studio with Gray. "Didnt you have to leave for the studio early?"

"Y/N, he's not in the bedroom." Ethan is a good actor, he had no problem in pulling a panicked facial expression along with a panicked tone of voice to match. "I thought he was with you?!"

"What do you mean he's not in-" You walk into the bedroom with furrowed eyebrows, expecting to see your son happily playing with his toys but instead, you are met with an empty room. This isn't the first time you haven't found your son where you'd initially put him. He seems to have wheels for feet. He crawls so fast, it shocks you. Even though he just started walking two months ago, his feet are no longer wobbly when he runs around the house. "He must be somewhere around here, E."

You reassure yourself and your husband as you walk out of the bedroom and make your way into the play room.

Not there either.

"I checked the whole house, Y/N, where is he?" Ethan walks into the store room after you, watching with a quickening heartbeat as you start to get worried. He hates doing this to you but he can't lie, it's also thrilling, messing with you like this. None of his pranks usually work on you, you're too intelligent to catch him before he can even get to the fun parts of the pranks, but this time, he's got you where he wants you. He can't believe this prank is working so well.

"Did he go out with you when you took out the trash?!" Your heart is beating a mile a minute as you run around the whole house, checking each and every room, checking behind the sofas and chairs, checking under the bed, behind the curtains, under the table, in the lower kitchen cabinets. He isn't anywhere to be seen.

"I don't know?" Ethan jogs out of the house, pretending to be just as scared as you are as he looks around the lawn area.

"You don't know?! What do you mean you don't know?!" You run after him and the crazed look in your eyes truly terrifies him for a second. "Ethan where is my child?!"

"I DON'T KNOW! I didn't take him with me when I went out-"

"WELL HE'S YOUR KID! HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE TAKEN OUT FOR HIM TO-" You heave out breaths as the worry takes over your entire brain and you start thinking about the worst case scenario. "ETHAN HE COULD HAVE SLIPPED OUT WHEN YOU OPENED THE DOOR!"

"Listen, calm down." He reaches out to touch your hand.

"Oh my God, oh God please," You keep chanting under your breath as you look around and behind all the cars like a crazy woman, hands in your hair as your widened eyes look back at your husband. "WHERE IS MY SON?!"

The moment he sees tears pooling into your eyes and notices your breathing is abnormally rapid, he decides it's going too far. "Baby, it's a prank! It was a prank, Y/S/N is fine!"

You don't even care if it's a prank or whatever the hell else it is, you just want to see your baby boy right now. "Where is he? I want him."

Ethan immediately pulls out his phone and dials his brother's number and as if Grayson already knew you'd want to see your child after the prank, he is walking in through the main gate with the baby in his ginormous arms. Your tears fall onto your cheeks as you approach your son and take him out of his uncle's arms, cradling him close to your chest as your eyes close. "Thank God."

"It's just a prank, babe." Ethan says, nervousness evident in his tone as he makes eye contact with his brother. Did he go too far? The answer is clear in Grayson's disapproving head shake. "Just a prank."

Without saying a single word to either of the boys, you make your son back into the house, making Ethan follow close behind as Grayson sighs. Seems like his 'uncle Gray and little mans' time isn't going to happen today. He was really looking forward to spend some time with his nephew. Damn Ethan!

"Baby, I'm sorry-" Ethan begins to speak as he follows you like a lost puppy.

"You're an asshole." You tell him quietly, you don't have the energy to talk above a murmer. You don't even care that you just cursed in front of your one year old and knowing him, he will catch that quickly. You don't care about anything other than your little bug.

"I'm sorry!"

"Don't talk to me." Are the last words you say to him before you walk into the bedroom and slam the door on his face, locking it so he can't come in.

Ethan just stays standing at the door, a pout settling on his lips as he sighs. Now he'll have to think of ways to make it upto her or he's sleeping in the guest room for a whole month.

[silkspectred]

i just recently started following you after reading almeno tu ((which is amazing btw the exact cw fix it fic that i didnt know i needed)) and your thought posts/reblogs about endgame have really helped me become content with endgame rather than resentful after i got over my initial emotional reaction and honestly just thank you for like articulating my thoughts for me i guess ?? idk your blog and your twitter have really helped in this post emdgame world

oh, anon.

first of all, this brought me to tears. i’m very prone to tears these days for obvious reasons but i’m really touched by this. i’m really glad i’m helping you. and i’m really happy you liked my fic.

second of all, i don’t want to fake a confidence i don’t have, so i’m gonna try and explain how i feel about this movie if i can.

it’s hard. not gonna lie. i compartmentalize A LOT. canon and fanon, for me are two very different things. it’s why i wanted (yes, wanted) tony (and steve too) to die in endgame while i keep writing fics where they grow old together. where they specifically grow old together. it’s why i love pepper and tony in canon but in the end read and write stevetony fics. it’s why i can do a lot of other things. 

i am satisfied with tony’s arc. heartbroken that he died, absolutely, i keep bursting out crying at random times and i’ve seen the movie last tuesday. but i’m satisfied that he got to die like that, like the awesome selfless hero he is. i’m glad he got to be happy with pepper and morgan, and i’m happy he got to patch things up with steve and work with him like they did. 

i’m not entirely sold on steve’s arc. don’t get me wrong, i’m okay with it. i was okay with it the moment i came out of the cinema, and the more meta posts i read on it the more okay with it i feel. considering that him going in back in time to be with peggy was literally my worst case scenario for the end of his arc before the movie came out, i’m really okay with it. i think the specific context of the movie makes it work very well. it’s still not the way i have interpreted steve’s character all this time, but like others have said before, this is mcu, it’s not the comics, and what is true for the comics (steve’s arc being about finding a home in the future thanks to tony and the avengers) isn’t necessarily true for the movies. but in endgame his decision has narrative build up and character motivation. it woks, in the context of the movie it just works, and it makes steve into what i truly love: a flawed human.

i loved tony’s arc and i’m okay with steve’s. my heart is still in pieces, the one doesn’t contradict the other. the complexity of emotions this movie is making me feel, damn. there were things i didn’t like. but there were so many things i loved. and steve and tony? steve and tony together were amazing. everything i ever hoped to get from them in an avengers movie. i’m so happy we got all those scenes of them together. the angst, the softness, the anger, the quiet companionship, the emotional and physical support, the friction, the regret, the acceptance, the healing, the teasing and flirting, the forgiveness. the love. i’m so glad we got to see all that love between them, anon.

going back to steve’s end: it’s not what i would have written. it’s not what i write and it’s not what i’m very probably going to write if i ever come up with a fix-it or post canon fic (unlikely at the moment). but i’m okay with it, and hey, we have fandom. we’re tired and emotional and drained right now, but we are already bouncing back. we can make lemonade out of any kind of lemons. there are already fix-it fics going around and they are all amazing. i love our little stevetony corner of fandom, and now that we have time travel, hey. it can be 2012 forever!

this movie is an end. not the end, but an end. it’s sad, it’s heartbreaking, it’s so fucking nostalgic, and there are moments where i wish i could stop it all and scream that i want them back, alive, safe, my emotional support superheroes. but the movie had so many beautiful parts and i don’t want to give those up at all.

steve and tony are so amazing because they defy all ends, and they love each other across time, space, alternative realities, aborted timelines, wars, end-of-the-world scenarios, death, lies and so on. and we love them through all of that too, including fandom drama, bad characterization and articles about how tony stark was actually the real villain of the mcu all along (good luck with that hot take now, y’all)

so, yeah. i may not be 100% happy with endgame, but i am 90% happy with it, and stevetony is a huge part of that 90%. but i’m here for the long run, anon. i’m not a teenager, i’m one of those actual adults that a lot of people don’t want in fandom. the first digit of my age is a 3. i have had other ships in the past, that i’ve loved with every ounce of my soul, but stevetony, for me, is it. it’s the ship. it made me want to write and publish stuff regularly, and i can’t even express how huge that is for me. it gave me some of the best friendships of my life. so that 10% of endgame that i didn’t like, or that wasn’t perfect for me? it doesn’t stand a chance against what those two idiots mean to me.

[kpurereactions]

exo reaction to you confronting them about cheating on you, even if it's not true

Rumors had been flying around for the past week. Friends, family and close enough colleagues who knew of your relationship all sending you pictures and talking crap into your ears about what a shit guy he was. At first you didn't believe them. It made no sense to you as every night he still came home to you, and communication with him was only limited when he was in dance practice. As the weekend rolled around though a picture of him surfaces, whispering into the ear of a fellow idol during a live broadcast, and though it might of been harmless, the way his eyes seemed to be looking down at her lips was enough to change your opinion. 

You had spent a whole day trying to figure out what it was you were going to say to him, but when he finally got home everything you had planned went out the window. 

Junmyeon:

He'd blink a few times, almost stunned as you shoved your phone revealing the picture in his face the moment he walked through the door. He'd look from the screen to your mad, borderline crying face and sigh. “So you've been reading.” He'd say, gently pushing your hand down. He'd let you yell at him, truly listening to everything you had to say. He'd only stop you when his heart couldn't handle you thinking he actually cheated on you anymore. He'd gently hold your arms, making you look at him before telling you it wasn't true. Thats all he would say though, he'd feel like he didn't have to explain himself for something he didn't do. It would be easier to forgive him than you thought, knowing that all the words he had ever said to you were true made that easier. He'd chuckle and have to talk you out of turning your anger onto those who put those nasty thoughts in your head, and before he asked you to drop the subject he'd confess to you again. Just incase you forgot about how much he actually did love you.

Minseok:

Hed just chuckle the moment you started revealing all of your ‘proof’. He'd think about arguing with you, but in the end knew it wouldn't get either of you anywhere. He'd sit there and shake his head, butting in with solutions to all your accusations. The more questions he answered the more dumb you would feel, and he'd chuckle again knowing that you were now getting frustrated with yourself. When you seemed to finally be defeated he'd stand up and wrap his arms around your neck, leaving a soft kiss on your nose. ‘You need to breath. Breath and trust me, okay?’When you nodded your head and sighed he'd kiss your knuckles before turning to begin talking about his day, like nothing had happened.

Yixing:

He wouldn't be afraid to argue with you. You not trusting him and the love he had for you was worst case scenario. He'd grow frustrated, his voice raising and his hands flying. You would have to eventually stop. Seeing his eyes slightly turn red from the tears that would be slowly accumulating. He'd tell you one last time that it wasn't true. That in fact he was blinking in the picture. He'd leave you standing there, mainly to go cool off and shower from the long day he already had. When he was out and you walked up to him he'd dip his head, accepting your arms that wrapped around his neck. He'd forgive you instantly, knowing that its hard to have your own opinions when so many people are putting ideas in your head. He'd be sad for the rest of the night, but having you stay so close to him would make him feel better. 

Baekhyun:

He'd sit there and listen to you, not because he wanted to hear you out, but because he couldn't believe what he was hearing. He'd zone in and out of the conversation, thinking back to the things he had done that would have made you accuse him of cheating. When nothing came up he'd stand taller, ready to fight. He'd tell you you were wrong. That he could not believe you were letting people put lies in your head when you see him every day. He'd fight for his innocence, though maybe not it the best way. It would end as a fight, you would sleep with your backs facing one another. When he woke up the next morning he'd sigh and still lean over to kiss you, his heart hurting for letting the two of you go to bed angry, but he was glad he did since leaving you to think all night made you realize how dumb and awful you had been. 

Jongdae:

He'd stop you before you were even able to get started. He'd do it in a way though that told you ere wrong without making you feel inferior though, letting you know that he understand why people would come to those conclusions and then calmly explain that you didn't need to worry about him becoming interested in anyone else. Though the conversation didn't last long, and you were left feeling alot better than when he had walked in he still treated you exceptionally well that night. He'd hold your hand a little tighter, kiss you a little longer and make you smile wider. He wouldn't feel guilty, there was no reason for him to, but knowing that you had spent the past few days scared he was going to leave you was enough to make him realize he needed to hold you just a little tighter, so you knew that he was there to stay.

Chanyeol:

It would hurt him so much. He'd becompletly speachless and have so much to say all at the same time as you showed him all of the messages and pictures that had been sent to you over the past week. He'd look up to you and figure out where to even begin with explaining every little accusation. He'd sigh when you told him you would believe what ever he said, but to just be honest if this was true or not. When he told you it was the furthest thing from true he could see you wantign to believe him, so to seal the words he'd take your cheeks in his hands and kiss all over your face in-between whispering how hed rather die than betray you like that and how much he loved you over and over again. 

Kyungsoo:

Hed let you talk. Hed only tell you once it wasn't true and if you anted to continue to believe it there was nothing he could do. He knew you knew he'd has always been nothing but honest with you, so after the words left his lips he'd pres them together, slightly holding his breath as he waited for your reactions. He'd be pleading in his mind for you to trust him and believe that he hadnt even thought about thinking about betraying you in that way. He'd nod in relief when you nodded at him before standing up and hugging you. He'd treat you like you were fragile after, not quite sure how you were feeling, but all those thoughts would disappear when you lent your head on his back and wrapped your arms around his waist. 

Jongin:

He'd be shocked, and even a little mad that you actually thought he was capable of cheating on you. It didnt help that you kept asking him to just tell you after he had said no the first few times. He'd eventually have to remove himself, picking up his coat that he had put down when he came in.‘This? This is the lie. I have never, will never and would never cheat on you. Call me when you realize that.’ He'd say before turning on his heel and walking out of the room. He'd leave you there speechless, questioning everything you had said. It wouldnt take you long to snap out of it and run out into the hall after him, thankful he was still standing there. Seeing him brought tears to your eyes, and seeing that he would take two large steps before pulling you into a tight hug. He'd whisper that you needed to believe him, not the media or your friends and when you nodded he'd kiss your forehead before leading you back inside.

Sehun:

Hed look at the things that were being sent to you with just as much shock as you had while reading them, his eyes constantly flicking back and forth between the phone and your face. Hed look at you with tight eyes and open his mouth a few times before speaking. ‘You don't actually believe these things do you?’ He'd ask. When you shrugged he'd sigh and put your phone down before fully facing you. For the first time since he walked in hed see just how sad your eyes were and sigh before telling you none of it was true. He'd only say it once before finishing by telling you if you trust him, youll believe him. On the inside he would want to yell and scream, but the last thing hed want to seem is guilty, and you knew he was the most sincere with you when he was soft. He'd comfort you and answer all the accusation you had questions about and when you finally gave up on trying to find a truth that wasnt there hed try to change the subject to try and lighten the mood as best he could. 

Kitty

[scaryscarecrows]

Roots and Leaves, Pt. 6

DC did it first. Take your grievances to them.

Jason and Sheila e-mail back and forth for about a week before she says that she has Thursday off so if he has Thursday off does he want to meet for lunch again?

Last time wasn’t bad. Not a lot of staring or people or anything. He can…he can probably do it again. And it’s a few days away still, so he has time to psyche himself up or, worst case scenario, fake his death and move to Canada.

And it’s been a week and she hasn’t pulled out the Pity Card on him yet and maybe…maybe this’ll all work out okay. She might never be Mom, because Catherine’s always gonna be Mom, but…but she could be Mother, maybe. He can see that in the distant (or not-so-distant?) future.

But he’s not going to rush into things, that’s what got him here in the first place. Patience, grasshopper.

Thursday rolls around and he hasn’t faked his death and moved to Canada, so he has no choice but to put on jeans and a hoodie and resign himself to a couple of hours, easy, of no sunglasses and no e-book shield.

Sorry, any small children who might come out of this traumatized.

Okay. He brings his Kindle anyway, and his sunglasses for the journey, and sticks to his normal Civilian Weaponry-couple’a knives, one pair of brass knuckles tucked into a hidden pocket in his hoodie. Last thing he needs is for someone to pick up a bullet, match it to the Red Hood’s, and come knocking on his door. His luck is bad enough that’s exactly what would happen.

Besides, it’s noon on a Thursday, and even in Gotham that’s a slow hour. Bank robbers gotta eat, too.

The monorail ride there is literal Hell (three fighting couples, two crying kids and old man with no personal spaaaaace!) and he’s literally gasping for air when he stumbles out of the car. He likes people. Honest. If he legitimately hated them all, he wouldn’t risk his life to help them. But interacting with them…he could do without that, mostly.

Whatever. Whatever. It’s over, he lived, he’s had worse.

(And no, he doesn’t hear faint cackling in his head, and that’s final.)

It’s windy today, the type of wind that buffets people every which way and is determined to keep his hood off his head. He fidgets with the drawstrings until it’ll stay and buries his hands in his pockets. Wind sucks. He can feel pollen and dust and Gotham Grime being blown onto his skin.

“Jason!”

Is he there already?

Sheila…looks a lot more haggard than she did before. He tries to remember if she’d mentioned being horribly busy, doesn’t think she did, and figures that to be fair, he hasn’t mentioned the bruise that goes halfway up his back.

She smiles, her awkward driver’s license smile, and waves. Yeah, she doesn’t…it must’ve been a long week, or maybe a rough drive or something. She looks tired.

“Hi.” He’s not sure what to call her, still. Miss Haywood is too disconnected, Sheila’s too personal, and it’s way, way too soon for Mother. Names are a pain. “I’m not late, am I?” He knows he’s not. “Monorail was packed.”

“So was the subway. Can I…?”

Her arms are half-out and he figures she’s asking for a hug. He can do a hug, as long as it’s a short hug.

“Yeah. Thanks for the warning.”

Holy crap, she feels frail. But to be fair, barring Dick’s tackle-hug, everyone’s felt frail since…since. So it could just be him. Hugs are weird now.

(“HUG YOUR DADDY!”)

No. Not today. Everything’s fine.

It’s a sort-of short hug, short enough, anyway, and he wonders, abstractedly, if a day will ever come that he’s used to that sort of thing again. If it even matters whether he does or doesn’t.

It does. Of course it does. And the day will come, in time, and he’ll be better, be normal, be what people want him to be.

Little steps.

* * *

They’ve fallen into a companionable silence and for once Jason’s not jumping whenever someone walks by in a purple sweater or anything when Sheila forces her lips out from between her teeth and says, “I know you were Robin.”

Well. That’s, uh, there’s that out of the way.

“Yeah.” There’s clearly no point in denying it. She probably put it together when Batman came knocking. “For a little while, yeah. I was.” He tastes blood, wonders how long he’s been doing that, and wishes he had gum. Or a mint. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right off, I just…old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Oh God, no, no, I didn’t mean-” She takes a drink. Her hands are shaking, she’s shaking and he doesn’t know what’s wrong. “I just. I thought I should probably make it clear that I did know, so you wouldn’t…I know I was absent, but I don’t want…you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide things from me.”

Oh. That’s. He doesn’t know what to say. Bruce, God knows, has the emotional capabilities of a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Thankfully Jason hadn’t been the type to go through crushes every two weeks, or he probably would have been in Hell. He certainly wouldn’t have…it’s not like he would have shut down the conversation, but sharing and caring? That would have been awkward and best not repeated. Alfred was the go-to for that sorta thing.

All right, then. Since they’re dropping sudden bombshells ‘n all…he has to know.

“You worked for Joker.” There. It’s out. He said it.

And now he kinda regrets it-the self-loathing on her face is a pretty good match for his own, and he can’t tell himself it’s anything less than deep, deep wishing to have made better choices.

“I did.” She straightens up, begins tearing apart a piece of bread on her plate. “Briefly. I’m not proud, but he had a line to my mother, knew where she lived, knew her schedule…knew.” She swallows hard. “Knew she had to rubber-band her jam jars because she couldn’t open them otherwise. I panicked. But it was only for a couple of months-pills, he wanted pills, as much as I could get him. And then he just…went away. I don’t know what he did with them.”

Honestly, after everything, he can’t…he doesn’t have the right to say much. And honestly? There was that one guy, who accidentally cut the fucker off in traffic and couldn’t get away from him.

And look at him. The first man he killed, that wasn’t…oh, sure, he probably had it coming, at least a little, but Jason wasn’t thinking about that or considering it like he does now, he just…he wanted to kill Bruce. Because that was right and reason at the time even though he knows it’s insanity now.

No, he can’t say much.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, and it’s suddenly easier to look at his hands. “I didn’t…that sounds awful.”

“No.” She tips his chin up and it’s an effort not to pull away and to remember that it’s fingers, warm human fingers, and not the pointy end of a crowbar against his skin. “You deserved to know. It’s only fair.”

Truth be told, it’s a relief to know that she hadn’t…yeah, technically she could’ve…maybe done something different, but she hadn’t wanted to work for him. She wasn’t like the ones he’d christened Dumb and Dumber that…they enjoyed that kinda work.

Lunch is finished in relative silence after that, though, and he’s wondering what’s going to happen now when she rifles through her purse and swears.

“Damn…I meant to grab an old photo album I wanted to show you, with some old family pictures and things.”

Pictures of Willis? Yeah, he’s good. Pictures of other people might be interesting, though.

“Next time?”

“My apartment’s a few blocks over.”

Something feels off. He’s paranoid, he knows he’s paranoid, but something…she’s been shaky and weird all afternoon and he doesn’t…

Calm the fuck down, you freak out when someone window-shops for too long!

“Is everything…is everything okay?”

Or maybe something is wrong-she pulls a napkin over and there’s suddenly a pen in her hand.

“I really do want you to see these pictures, Jason,” she says, but her hand is moving and there’s the ever-so-faint skrit-skrit of pen on paper. “I swear you got my mother’s eyes.”

The napkin slides over to him and he glances down. Her handwriting’s spikey and awful-doctor writing to the bone-but his is no better and he can read it well enough.

An old colleague has been hanging around the hospital lately.

Oh.

That explains a bit.

“Sure.”

Her shoulders drop and she crumples the napkin, nails picking it into shreds.

“I’m sorry to do this to you,” she says softly, nearly too soft for him to hear, and he’s quick to shake his head.

“No, no, I don’t mind, I’m glad you…if there’s anything I can do to…”

Shit, she looks like she’s going to start crying and that is indeed PANIC in his throat. Tears are not good.

“You’re a good boy.” Her voice is watery but there are no tears to be seen. Thank Jesus. “I promise next time we have lunch it’ll be normal.”

Oh, good, things haven’t plummeted down to fiery Hell because of all the revelations flying around.

“Everything’s gonna be fine,” he says, and whoops that’s his ‘all will be well, citizen, never fear!’ voice. But it must work, because the about-to-cry look disappears. “Um. Do you wanna…it looks like it’s gonna rain, should we get going?”

And so they do.

* * *

The wind has picked up and it smells like rain. He’s not looking forward to patrol later.

The wind’s not so bad, though, to stop Sheila from lighting up with a self-depreciating, “I know I’m a doctor and should know better, but I honestly don’t care.”

“I can’t really say anything.” He holds up his own pack and rattles it before pulling one out. It’s not as calming as it usually is and he doesn’t know why.

Eh. It’s been a long day, that’s all. He’s not used to interacting with people on a personal level anymore, which is his own fault and probably not necessarily a good thing.

The first few drops have started to fall when they arrive at her building-big, square, and simplistic. She fishes out her keys while they’re in the elevator (which smells like new car, for some reason).

The hallway is deserted. It’s a little creepy, to be honest-his own building might be crap, but there’s always activity. And then, of course, there was Arkham’s hallways, or what he could hear of them. Noisy. Always noisy. But this? Wayne Manor was silent like this. It unsettled him then and it unsettles him now. Call him a city boy, whatever, but he needs noise.

The brass knuckles and knives in his jacket are warm and comforting and he knows he’s not gonna need ‘em, but they make up for this creepy-ass silence.

Sheila opens the door and motions him inside. It’s dark inside-blackout curtains, probably-but he can hear the rain. It smells like new car in here, too, and he wonders, off-handedly, why-

-it’s not empty. He’s walked into one too many ‘empty’ buildings to be very, very attuned to the sound of somebody breathing. Okay. Be calm, back out and shut the door.

He’s about to do exactly that when the light switch clicks and bathes the whole place in stark white. White walls, white floors, white furniture.

Which only makes Harley Quinn stick out like a sore thumb in all that red and black.

“BAY-BEE!” She could never hope to match Joker’s grin, but she gives it a good go, stretching her makeup. Okay. Change of plans. Get Sheila out of here (and preferably out of the building), deal with Quinn. “It’s been a whiiiiile!”

He takes in the mallet leaning against the couch and the shotgun (are those fuzzy dice? Really?) in her hands and comes to the conclusion that great, she’s riding the crazy train.

But maybe she hasn’t seen Sheila yet. Where’s that goddamn light switch?

He moves, only a little, only to feel the unmistakable press of a gun against his lower back.

“Don’t. Move.”

And the world drops out from under him.

No. No, no, no, she said she quit, it was over, she said they’d let her go, she said-

The door shuts. He twists so he can still see Quinn in his peripheral. Sheila’s face is a blank mask-no tears, no joy, no nothing. Just quiet determination and he doesn’t understand, she said…

“Mom?” The word feels thick and wrong in his mouth, but maybe…maybe she’s brainwashed or hypnotized or something, maybe she doesn’t…isn’t…

“Sorry, kid.” The words are harsh but her tone isn’t. Quinn giggles in the background but she sounds so far away and Sheila’s still pressing a gun against him. “It was you or me, and, well…it had to be you.”

What?

“Aww, come to mama, baby!” Quinn giggles again before straightening up and scowling. “Now.”

His feet drag him forward, sneakers scuffing against the white carpet an’ Heaven’s s’posed ta be white, innit, so why does this feel like Hell and what’s going on she said she said-

For once horrible, desperate second, he wants Bruce. Bruce wouldn’t…yeah, he’d thought, at first, that he’d left him but he knows that he didn’t, he really didn’t, he just…

Bruce wouldn’t have pulled a gun on him, he wouldn’t and God, if he’d just fucking talked to him-

“I did what you wanted, Quinn.” Sheila’s voice is so, so flat and is this all she wanted from the beginning? Is it? “Now call your man.”

Quinn doesn’t even look at her. She’s looking at Jason like she always did-like she’s torn between wanting to rip his head off and wanting to wrap him in a blanket and keep him.

This is his own goddamn fault, he just thought…just once, just once-

“Quinn!” Desperation now, and the gun wobbles against his hoodie as she steps out from behind him. “I did what you said! Call your man!”

Okay. Okay.

He forces himself to take a few deep breaths that taste like that last cigarette outside and says, voice as steady as he can make it, “Let her go, Harley. Leave her alone, I’ll. I’ll do what you want, just. Just let her go.”

“Aww, look at you!” Her pigtails sway and he finds himself oddly hypnotized by the movement. “I knew ya had to be Robin for a reason.”

Yeah. Yeah, he was Robin and that’s all he’ll ever be, the one that fucked up.

“Please, Harley.”

“Nyeh…” She adjusts her grip on the gun, finger dancing near the trigger, and looks down at her knuckles. “Eeny, meanie, miny, moe, catch a Batman by the toe. If he hollers, let ‘im go, eeny…meanie…miny…moe!”

He sees it before she does it, but there’s no time-he’s moved maybe half a centimeter before the gun goes off-

-and Sheila.

Falls.

His ears are ringing. They’re ringing and everything’s so white except her, all blonde and blue and so fucking red because Harley didn’t miss and if he’d been quicker, he should have been-

“Aww, don’t be sad!” Harley’s not alone, of course she’s not. He should have known from the start stupidstupidstupid. “Doncha know what happens to people who know too much?”

Her eyes are open. They’re open and they’re looking at him like this is his fault and it is if he hadn’t…

S’like Joker said, once.

“Good boys know how to lay down and DIE.”

“Mistah J had a spot for ya, baby.” Huh? “But you up an’ left us before it was time! So since it’s his birthday-” The fucker has no birthday he just appeared one day too evil for Hell. “-I thought I’d get my puddin’ somethin’-” She winks. “Real nice.”

And they’re on him.

Harley’s goons are dumb, but they’re also big and they manage to drag him down for a minute before he gets a knife out of his sleeve and drives it into the nearest jaw.

“Andre!” Yeah, Andre ain’t comin’ back from that any time soon. “I thought we taught you manners!”

He reclaims his knife and scrambles back up and okay okay maybe he can get outta this-

WHAM!

Lights out.

[sangriatimes]

Nintendo Switch saves Valentines Day

Can you believe that we are almost half-way done with January? Maybe it’s just me and the countless hours I put into reviewing the latest titles for the Nintendo Switch...which is our focus point that can change the tide if you hit a hard spot this V-Day. Maybe you don’t have enough money for that dinner, movie and gift. Maybe you thought that restaurant you made a reservation at is more expensive than you though. Maybe you just started a new relationship but you still have some awkward silences that seem to kill the mood. Whatever the situation may be a Nintendo Switch can get you to second base and home plate...trust me.

So let’s look at some of the titles for switch that are great to play with that special someone. (Games are listed in no particular order; games are not based on “)sales”; Games are mainly hidden gems)

1. Monopoly | 9.5 out of 10

Hear me out. I was one that grew up playing the original board game with my family and the overall appeal of the game was astounding, but I lost interest when I got older and noticed how long it takes to make everyone go bankrupt. ...but this is something...otherworldly. The first awesome thing you will notice when you pick up this title is the use of the Joy-Con controllers to shake the dice and throw them. Though this is still the same mechanic in spirit as its predecessor but with the newly animated boards populated by Mii’s and watching a living city grow as you play and add properties adds an entirely new respect for Money Bags. Our team lost track of time having so much fun with this one and before we knew it, we had seen 5 hours pass. (No one wants to play Monopoly for that long.) 

2. Uno | 8.5 out of 10

Uno is another one of those games I grew up playing with family. When I purchased the game, I was expecting some sort of controller mechanic similar to Monopoly’s dice...but with cards instead...but I was let down. None the less, going into this, I didn’t even know that there were so many ways to play Uno besides the normal rules. Once again, I was amazed at how much more fun this was than the physical cards themselves. Rules like “Stacking. Where Player 1 can play a “Blue Draw 2″ card and Player 2 can counter play a “Draw 2″ card as well. ...but if Player 3 doesn’t possess a “Draw 2″ card, Player 3 then has to pick all 4 cards from the previous turns” was so exciting to try and there are many other ways to customize rules and play styles. 

3. Super Smash Bros | 9.0 out of 10

I really don’t need to go into detail about this one. My only issue with the Smash series is I would really enjoy a multiplayer adventure mode or campaign. I was quite pleased with the full roster of characters though. Disclaimer: Make sure your partner isn’t a sore loser. We all know about SSB’s steep learning curve for beginners. “Don’t be a butt...”

4. Diablo 3 | 9.0 out of 10

I remember having this title on my old PS4 and being able to enjoy it on my PS Vita while I was in a relationship with someone who liked the game as much as I and we would both take our Vita’s to the restroom with us so we could keep the experience going. This title can definitely be used to understand the mindset your partner has by the way they customize their character and the actions they take in response to events. It’s a top-down action-adventure-role-playing-hack-n-slash (inhale.) It is a port of it’s original released on PS3 & 360...the price tag is still $59.99. That’s a deal breaker in my book.

5. NES Emulator | 7.5 out of 10

I honestly chose this one because of how many gamers I know and how 89% of them are males. This is something for those who don’t game to get their feet wet. The emulator is free on the eShop for a 7-day trial but comes with a subscription cost after. Pretty inexpensive for the titles they have. Legend of Zelda, Super Mario Bros, Metroid, and many more. It even comes with special versions of some of the games which gives the player the experience of playing with Game Genie cheats.

6. 99 Vidas | 7.0 out of 10

Your probably thinking, “ Why is this even listed?” Well, just in case that partner your with doesn’t dig the 8-bit look or the low-res adventures of the NES Emulator and desires a little more action and has a fetish for Streets of Rage and Beat ‘em Up’s. Simply. The available characters are cool enough to get players to find a favorite out of them. ...so...that’s good!

7. Oh Sir...The Hollywood Roast | 8.3 out of 10

After seeing the Samuel Jackson clone named “Bad MotherHugger” who’s personality is totally canon, I had to dig deeper. If you didn’t play the prequel, you don’t need to. I honestly only used the first title to learn how to play. In this installment, you and a co-star face off on a movie set where your scenario is to insult the other the worst. It plays like a fighting game, complete with health bars, special insults, tag team insults and so much more. For the price it is, I was expecting something way less entertaining. Oh, and one point or another you will joke against a Deadpool copy...a less funnier Deadpool but funny enough.

Consider this the American version of The Office.

8. Oh Sir...The Insult Simulator | 7.8 out of 10

Obviously, this is the European version of The Office. I won’t say this is better than the sequel and I can’t say it’s worse either but I will say “I am an American...” What this game does is teach you how to layer your jokes and how lay the foundation for repetition in your topics to create combo’ s. I like to let the opponent bombard me with little weak jokes and build a super mean and super long insult that grants victory for only one joke. I call it, “The Kamehameha Effect!”

9. No More Heroes: Travis Strikes Back

The third installment to the series hits the eShop and retailers in a few days and I am super excited to get my copy. If you aren’t familiar with the series, let me fill you in:

Travis Touchdown is the protagonist of all three games. In NMH1 we find Travis at his lowest moment in life. Jobless, hopeless and drunk, he runs into a mysterious woman who offers him employment with a sketchy syndicate group he knows nothing about. Luckily he had lost all his money by winning a bid at an online auction for a Beam Katana,  his main choice of weaponry. Not long after, you find out you were hired as an assassin in a shady game by her higher-ups. Travis takes the job after being promised some passionate TLC if he can take out all 10 of the already top ranking assassins all over the world. Travis is a pretty simple guy. He likes mecha anime, luchador wrestling, old school video games, porn, sex, and sleeping on the toilet.

In NMH2, Travis finds out that after becoming the #1 ranking assassin in Santa Cruise, he finds out that he actually has hundreds of more assassins in a new ranking system where Travis is the lowest ranking.

This time around, Travis is joined by the father of one the assassins he killed in NMH1, and the co-op option is something that would have been outstanding to have in NMH2 but none the less the developers always deliver great content in their titles and this one will not disappoint. Couples will enjoy the kinky nature of the series for sure. It has been proven many times.

10. Broforce | 9.5 out of 10

Every wanted to play Super Mario Bros on NES but with guns? Ever want to change Mario for, let’s say...any huge action movie star from the 80′s, 90′s, 00′s? Ever wanted it to be a co-op experience with up to 4 players with local and online co-op? As a mercenary for the USA, you are sent to 3rd world contries to liberate them from the evil control of Satan and his hell spawn. Before that, you will have to fight through waves of kamikaze soldiers, war dogs, giant helicoptors, aliens (...from the movie “Aliens”) and much more. Along the way, you will recruit an entire cast of badasses. From Rambo to Robocop, you will find Chuck Norris, Neo, Blade, Bruce Willis, Terminator, Preditor, Machette, Michelle Rodrigez, The Bride (Kill Bill) & so many more including Mortal Kombats Raiden.

Very easy to pick up, very hard to put down.

11. Nidhogg 2 | 8.0 out of 10

2D-Side Scrolling Fighter. You start of with a sword. When you die, you respawn with a dagger. When you die, you respawn with a bow and arrow. Die again and respawn with an ax. Die again and respawn with your fist. This cycle will continue until you our your opponent makes it to the opposing end of the map. Maps are relatively small and consist of about 2 to 3 different frames. Sounds easy on paper right? 

Tons of laughs to be had!

12. Tales Of Vesperia

If your looking for an in-depth RPG you both can play while she sits between your legs and you both focus on the Switch screen laying in front of you: this is for you two. The co-op system usually only functions when you enter battle. Player 1 will always be the one running around the world map but this is still fine if you keep an open-mind and communicate on decisions that impact the story and more. (Keep track of your own money.)

side-note: All Tales games are co-op in this sense, even the Super Nintendo picks.

13. Harvest Moon: Light of Hope

I’ve been a Harvest Moon fan since Super Nintendo and got my first copy on the N64. I know a lot of people see this game and hate the thought of a farming simulator but unlike it’s counterpart with the same name-sake; Harvest Moon is so much more. This can easily tame the craving for an adventure-rpg-dating sim with a very rich story and characters that actually grow on you. I have not had the chance to play this particular version yet, but I saw it was multiplayer and that sold me. If you want to try a good yet cheaper version, Harvest Moon: Back to Nature is by far, one of the best, next to Harvest Moon 64.

So there you have it, our picks of love for your love to love with their love! Honestly...I don’ t celebrate Valentines Day (poly-gang), but I love exposing partners to new things that they can enjoy together.

OUT!

[tumblunni]

Okay, kinda TMI talk here about period problems and Bunni Being Worried And Dysphoric, blablabla I’m just having a huge stupid panic moment right now cos I read some internet medical articles and LIKE USUAL I’m being all ‘oh god i probably have the worst case scenario disease on the list, I’m gonna fuckin die’ even though I literally have never been right about that even ONCE when I’ve done it. Still, it sucks having a stupid anxiety disorder cos you can just feel your body throwing you into panic attack mode even as you are rationally saying to yourself that this worrying thing has a 0% chance of happening. Its impossible to just choose to not be afraid of something... *sigh*... SO YEAH ANYWAY UMM Don’t want to worry anyone, I’m totally gonna be fine and I’m just being irrational mess about something that’s probably gonna be a super easy solution once I see the doctor. I’ll just book an appointment tomorrow or later this week, no biggie. And I’ll write all this stuff down so I can avoid freaking out and crying over how embarassing Vagina Health is when you’re trying to ask your cis male doctor about it and you’re a trans person who just wants to stab themself whenever they think about this goddamn Wrong Organ. like seriously, the biggest comfort I am using right now to come down from this panic attack is ‘hey, if it IS a big horrible cancer tumour, then at least it means they cant stop me from getting a hysterectomy now!’ :P so umm anyway that was probably too TMI already but I’ll put the more TMI stuff under the cut

OKAY! SO! I’ve suffered from REALLY HORRIBLY BAD periods for like.. ever They usually had an issue of being way too short but also WAY TOO POWERFUL. I’d have just a one day absolute burning pain blast where I would literally be unable to walk. LITERALLY BE UNABLE TO WALK! Like, I COULD NOT STAND that my dad was just telling me ‘;you’re lying, you’re exaggerating, its just cramps’ when the pain WASNT EVEN THE GODDAMN CRAMPS. I got fucking stabbing pain in my lower back for no damn reason, was inexplicably constipated and throwing up, got a huge hot-and-cold-flushes fever, complete muscle weakness in my legs which made them fucking shut down, and like.. LABOR SYMPTOMS. Its this weird horrible downward pressure pain in my pelvis and I was just a goddamn kid so i was like.. ‘i cant even tell if this is part of the constipation’, i would be spending five hours on the toilet desperately trying to shit out a shit that didn’t exist, as my body spasmed itself to death forcibly ejecting out way more blood than I ever thought I even had. I It took me so long to find out that that wasnt normal for a period?? That this didnt happen to everyone???? And cos its SO GROSS AND EMBARASSING to talk about these particular symptoms, I didnt tell anyone. Even when i finally was able to get some pain medication from the doctor, I just mentioned the abnormal amount of bleeding and pain, not the weird ‘wtf my bowels just stopped working as if my ovaries are constantly punching them for 24 hours’ part. Seriously just fuckin.. so degrading and disgusting.

And i was a fuckin 13 year old kid, this just abruptly started in my second year of having a period, and my dad was a sick fucker who ‘didnt believe in doctors’ and didnt believe i was telling the truth about my symptoms. So I had to live FROM 13 TO 17 without EVEN KNOWING THAT ASPIRIN AND IBUPROFEN EXISTED! i was going through all of this without even the basic pain medication most people have for normal periods! Once monthly I would BEG GOD TO LET ME DIE Seriously i would spend THE WHOLE 24 HOURS screaming in horrible pain on the floor that gradually got worse until I finally couldnt move my legs and passed out from exhaustion. And all i could do was hope that I’d get weaker each month and pass out faster, cos seriously being able to sleep through it was THE BIGGEST BLESSING EVER like DEAR GOD like ONCE I was able to get to sleep during the point where it was milder pain and then when I woke up it was already over and AAAAAAHHHHH I got to go a full two months without feeling that death madness again and seriously fuckin.. how the fuck could my dad look at this small child screaming and vomiting and sweating like I was in the sahara and gushing blood from every oriface cos i fuckin VOMITED SO HARD I VOMITED BLOOD and somehow still think I was just ‘making it up’

god one of my worst memories was how I had this huge horrible period death attack in the middle of school and my poor teacher was trying to comfort me and trying to call my dad to pick me up, and he just Did Not Give A Shit so the teacher tried to drive me home himself and just.. god I was so happy even as I was dying just cos I got to meet ONE PERSON who had sympathy for me and even actually said ‘hey you should see a doctor’. And all i gave him in return was throwing up in a trash bin for an hour in the back of his car, and then he had to meet my awful father and have a door slammed in his face. And then as soon as he got me inside the house dad just hit me and screamed at me for ‘embarassing him’ and ‘ditching school’ and man the only good side effect of being Fucking Dead On The Floor Already is that I did not feel a thing of it and barely even managed to hear a word he said. I think he just gave up cos seriously i wasnt even fuckin moving, i guess the fun goes out of beating your kid when they’re too fuckin stoned on their own vomit fumes to even be able to cry anymore. Oh and my other Even More Worse memory was when I missed the chance to see Howl’s Moving Castle cos of this shit. I saw like the first twenty minutes of it before my period hit while I was in the middle of the theater and then i had to spend three hours crying and puking and bleeding and laying on the floor in a pool of my own vomit in a cinema bathroom while my dad screamed at me as if i was purposely faking just to embarass him. Like seriously dude?? BASIC LOGIC, PLEASE! he was CONSTANTLY accusing me of doing really horrible manipulative things all the time, as some sort of twisted excuse to hit me and pretend i was an evil fucker causing every problem in his life so he didnt have to feel guilty about doing it. And it NEVER MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE! Even if i WAS an evil monster, what would that evil monster’s MOTIVE be? Why would i constantly do these evil things that serve no purpose except to get myself half killed by my dad? Why would I ruin a cinema trip that I asked to go to, to see a movie I waited all year to see??? And the most vivid disgusting part of it all was when he walked in and saw me like that and I LITERALLY ASKED TO DIE, and he LITERALLY LAUGHED. I begged him to call a doctor, he laughed and said I was exaggerating. I begged him to call an AMBULANCE, he laughed harder. I told him to his face that I wanted to kill myself just to make the pain stop, and he acted as if it was the funniest thing he ever heard, turned around and left and watched another movie. The poor cinema staff were left taking care of me while he ignored me, he wouldnt even take me home, he was just like... waiting til he finally got bored enough to do it. His biggest concern was ‘eww you made me walk into the girls’s bathroom’... I’m never gonna be able to stop remembering that, I’m never gonna be able to deny how absolutely certain I was that I’d rather end my life right there than live this nightmare for another month and another month for like fuckin 30 or 50 years. God I wanted to kill myself A LOT when i was with my dad, but this one was the worst cos for all I knew I’d be stuck with this pain forever even if I managed to escape him. I was so fucking ignorant! I didnt even know there was easy to acquire pain medication you could buy in any supermarket across the world! I mean, I still have the problem of my period being more severe than expected and all, but the meds at least made it NON SUICIDAL LEVELS OF PAIN. And god I once wanted to kill myself as a young child because I didnt know those existed. And I didnt know that transgender people existed or that there were words to put to my other feelings of disgust about having a period. I may still be depressed in a lot of ways, but I’m living a way better life now!

So umm yeah anyway my current worry today is because my period hasn’t ended for like 2 or 3 months now. I can’t even pinpoint the exact time it happened, cos it started with just light spotting and my period coming a few days late every month for like a year? and then it would last longer, and sometimes I’d get a small bit of bleeding suddenly starting up five days later and ending within a few hours. I sorta didnt think much of any of these symptoms and i cant nail down exactly when it just increased so much that it became this noticeably constant. And its REALLY weird for me, cos also all this stuff came along with my period not hurting as much?? And now for the last month i haven’t felt any pain at all, so I cant even tell which part of all this bleeding was the actual period. And I’m bleeding way less than usual, its just... constant. Its not even enough to be a big problem so I didnt wanna tell anyone and be a bother, its not like I’m losing blood enough to get light headed, its just annoying having so many pairs of underwear ruined and feeling more dysphoric 24/7. And it makes me pretty anxious cos I didnt know what was causing this and whether it was a symptom of some bigger problem- like, it doesnt hurt but maybe its a sign i have fuckin death doom cancer or something and its suddenly gonna start hurting any second now???

So yeah, today I finally stopped being anxious and decided I’m gonna call a doctor next week, and did some internet research to see if this is serious enough to really call the doctor. And cos I’m dumb I panicked thinking of the worst case scenario, but also doing that research kinda cheered me up cos now at least I know an explanation for why the symptoms seemingly got worse on random days, and like.. this isnt an impossible thing. Cos seriously, yeah, raised in a household with No Doctors Ever. i dont know very much about medical health, when this first started happening i freaked out cos i had NEVER HEARD of bleeding outside the regular monthly cycle and from all I knew it was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE and I’m PROBABLY DYING xD But no, apparantly spotting and mistimed periods and going one or two weeks of constant bleeding are all completely natural variances that just happen, and you dont even need to call a doctor for that. I just need to call a doctor cos its been happening a bit more often than that, they say up to a month is a normal amount. And apparantly the vast, VAST majority of conditions that cause constant period are not remotely life threatening, the worst possible scenario is becoming infertile or just.. having to continue experiencing mildly annoying bleeding a lot. Apparantly a lot of people choose to not have an operation cos they don’t wanna lose the ability to have children, but fuck I’ve been hoping to lose that thing FOREVER, jesus christ! damn docs won’t let you have a hysterectomy ‘without reason’, like seriously why is ‘i dont want to have children’ not a reason?? and why is ‘i have never had sex and never will have sex’ not a reason and also why is ‘i’m nonbinary transgender and would like this surgery even though i don’t want genital surgery’ not an option seriously MAN PLEASE can I at least go on hormones doc. seriously everyone is being all ‘well treating your ptsd and depression is a bigger priority right now’ and i mean ITS NOT LIKE THERE’S A REAL DEADLINE FOR WHEN THAT’S GONNA END and DYSPHORIA KINDA DOESNT MAKE IT ANY EASIER gahhhh god i really REALLY hope they let me have a hysterectomy i am gonna be SO DISSAPPOINTED now if it turns out this ovary failure is not the particular sort of ovary failure that requires removal of ovaries. plz kill them. pliz mr docter. they haf plagued my lyfe 4 too longe. XD god, sorry, like I said I’m just really dysphoric talking about Vagina Health Stuff so i’m getting a bit irrational and ranty. Its just like that ‘please can i skip the middle man and get to the end of the transition already’ feeling. I know it would be stupid to not listen to my doctor’s advice on the subject. Tho I do kinda feel like everyone is just patronizing me and doenst think that nonbinary really exists, i’m still trying to get my support worker to stop calling me a girl... MAN IM GOING OFFTOPIC TO A WHOLE OTHER ANXIETY HERE

Anyway! Researching into possible causes of it! It’s entirely possible i may have Adenomyosis, which would ironically mean I have an excess of estrogen in my system and am like.. Too Female To Female. I’m gonna fuckin cry if its this, that’s like the biggest fuckin sign that your sex doesn’t have to align with your gender! or lol maybe god is trying to compensate, i just imagine its like throwing too much sugar into a cake to try and make up for it tasting like shit. sorry dude, woman machine broke. BUT I don’t seem to have like a huge amount of symptoms for that one, aside from just the excess bleeding outside of my cycle. So I’m leaning more towards the ones that also include back pain and uhh.. gross bowel issues of embarassingness. It might be that I was always showing preemptive signs of one of these conditions!

One other that it could possibly be is Endometriesis which is a really fuckin cool sounding word but impossible to spell, lol. Apparantly its this TERRIFYING CONCEPT where your uterus is like.. a tumour in your gut. For whatever reason there’s uterine tissue growing in your intestines, stomach or other butt related tubes. I dont wanna read more about it cos its already making me terrified and anxious, so I dont even know HOW exactly that works. I mean is it like there’s a big ol hole stabbing through your organs connecting two unconnected things together?? Cos if so, I cant understand why its saying that its an easy operation and a never fatal condition! So I’m assuming maybe its more like everything is still separate but like.. the composure of the cells in your intestines is wrong? There’s like a tiny vestigal lump of uterine lining tissue in your stomach lining instead? i guess maybe they’re somehow vaguely related, so like.. if the human body begins from stem cells that can grow into any other cell to make a full human, it would seem entirely plausable that rather similar organs or skin thingies could accidentally form all vice versa. i guess thats also the reason for mutations like people growing an extra finger? I had a friend who had two extra fingers at birth, actually! I felt really sad when she told me about it, it was like years after we met that she felt comfortable enough to tell me about where her hand scars came from. i just remember i felt SO CONFUSED why she’d even think that like.. she had to be super certain i was a good person who wouldnt make fun of her. Why on earth would you mock someone for something like that?? How many other people must have treated her like shit if she feels this ashamed of her own hands?? And I felt really sad that she had them amputated too, I just find it a bit disturbing and surreal that there’s this societal thing of giving extensive surgery to very young children to ‘correct’ something that’s completely harmless just because it ‘looks wrong’. i’ve read stories about stuff like a child having like a split arm, an extra arm attatched at the elbow. And that particular operation to ‘correct’ it literally made the kid lose all ability to use both arms, just so they could have one ‘normal’ looking nonfunctional one. Thats messed up! Its EVEN WORSE that this happens the most commonly with intersex conditions, its invasive GENITAL surgery on newborn infants and even assigning them a random gender based on whichever form of genitals was easiest to ‘recreate’ with plastic surgery. These poor kids dont even get to know about what happened to them until they grow up and uncover this horrifying pandora’s box of medical files...

Oh, and speaking of intersex conditions, another possibility is that I might have PCOS, which is like being intersex in hormones but not outer genetalia. But I’m not sure about it cos I don’t have a lot of the more visible symptoms of it, aside from adult acne and ‘weight gain' which is.. well im pretty damn sure I gained this weight the normal way instead XD It also says that unusual hair growth might be a symptom, but it doesnt seem I have it in any of the places that’re common for the disease. I’ve had a weird thing of suddenly gaining light spots of hair on my belly and neck in the past few years. Its weird cos it really is just spots for the neck, its only growing in the right side in a little circle. i dunno what’s up with that! It sucks cos I really would like to be able to grow proper facial hair, I’m only able to do a very spotty mustache that just makes me look even more like a woman I think. i just look like an ugly woman, I feel like everyone can instantly tell I’m DFAB and they’re just laughing at me for this one failed attempt to look masculine. Also it fuckin sucks being overweight cos binders don’t work as well! They’ve gotta be wider to fit around a bigger body of course, but that means its hard to find the right size that’re be tight where it counts withough being tight on the shoulders. I think my current one is too baggy, I can’t stand even looking like a normal dude of my weight level, i cant stand even having regular fat guy ‘moobs’. I WANNA DESTROY THEM ENTIRELY!! Also, incidentally, I’m kinda terrified the most of being diagnosed with PCOS just cos it’d make my dysphoria worse. It’d kinda make me worry that maybe my identity is invalid and I only feel this way cos I have this hormone problem, and I’d probably refuse to take any treatment just in case it somehow cures my transness :P

The one that currently seems most likely is ‘uterine fibroids’. Apparantly its a non cancerous form of tumour that’s so small that its not remotely damaging, and surgery is very easy and non scary. The problem is just that you have so many of these small things slowly stacking up over the years, and being hard to spot until its already gotten bad. Plus even a small thing can be very painful when its in a very sensitive organ. I’m thinking its probably this cos they mention specifically lower back pain and constipation/other bowel problems. The endometrisis one would also explain the constipation during periods, but this one has a wider range of very specific symptoms that all seem to match.

Anyway, writing this up has helped distract me so I can calm down a little and wrap my head around all this. I just hope I can have enough courage to talk to the doctor about it and hopefully find out what it actually is. Oh, and a random tip I learned! Eating too much sugar increases menstrual bleeding! That was what was confusing me about my symptoms seeming to worsen out of nowhere on random days. I was super worried!! I guess the change is just more noticeable than it would be on my regular period, cos this one is lasting so long. I tested this out today by chugging one of the super grand milkshakes from that cool midnight milkshake takeaway shop, and I started getting the big ol scary clotty giant bleed within two hours. Waited a while til it stopped, drank another sugary drink, happened again! Definate correlation! I’m kinda relieved cos this definately proves it’s a period related problem, I’m not bleeding from like an exploded organ or something. This is definately specifically the ol menstrual blood, and I dont have some horrifying sudden septic wound in my vag out of nowhere. Tho seriously i dunno why I was worrying that cos its not like I’ve ever had sex, where would a wound even come from?? I guess I was just going nuts back when I was all uneducated and assumed it was Literally Impossible to have a period that lasts too long. Mannnn talking about this is SO GROSS I’m like cringing into the ninth dimension just from saying the word vag... Anyway now I’m actually feeling a bit lightheaded from the Even More So Than Before heavy bleeding, it probably wasnt a smart idea to test out the sugar thing twice in one day. Now I’m bleeding as much as I usually do on my regular period, which is probably not good cos I’ve already been losing a small amount of blood everyday. Apparantly carrots have a vitamin that helps decrease menstrual bleeding, but its late evening now and all the supermarkets are shut :P SOMEONE BEAM CARROTS INTO MY HOME, AAAAA lol i just need to calm down and get out of this panic attack, its probably just this in combination with the blood loss thats giving me lightheadedness. and then it makes me worry even more about the blood loss and enter an eternal death spiral of anxiety yet again... GAHH I HATE YOU DYSPHORIA DAY I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR AND SO HELP ME GOD I REALLY WISH THIS LEADS TO A HYSTERECTOMY seriously lol every time I’m doubting if I’m ‘really trans enough’ i should look back on this conversation where i’m wishing my uterus disease is the worst possible option just so i can get rid of the damn uterus.. ANYWAY BUNNI IS GONNA GO TRY AND CALM DOWN NOW COS I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR TIL TOMORROW ANYWAY

[celestialallstars]

Episode #15: “I didn’t come here to just lay down and die.” -Michael

um so zach has had super idol since the night rhys left and just didnt tell me i legit do so much fot that stupid idol he forgets to guess half the time i cross off half the board for him tell him where the other letters are and he hides it from me. like for what i want to tell everyone he has it so they vote him out this round and he has to play it but i think its smarter to play nice and try to let him give it to me at f5 as a regular idol since we have a good shot of one of us winning immunity *looks at my only social wins and zachs touchy subject win*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JONESSSS ILY SO MUCH I JUST HAD TO MAKE A CONFESSIONAL ABOUT IT MWAH MWAH MWAH <3 <3 <3

So now the votes are looking like 1 for Bryce, 2 for Zach, and 2 for Michael, but I have no clue where Zach is gonna vote and on top of that it kinda makes nada sense for Michael and Chloe to do this split UNLESS they have they have the legacy because we already know they know about it so why would he even vote Bryce? On top of that, I can see Stephen wanting Zach out but like I think I want him to think that if I have to use the idol this round, it leaves us both vulnerable to be voted out next round. So Ive got lots of work to do here

________________________________________________________________

I just feel it would be easier if Steph thought about voting Michael at least. I thjnk the frustrating thing is we did talk about going to rocks before immunity and I figure it could be worked but like now he really believes this split plan when all it does is like increase the odds i can go home. I have 10 hours to convince him but I think this'll show how like willing he is to keep his allies safe but he has already asked me about the final steps for the idol

Well, it’s over. I definitely couldn’t avoid the writing of my name forever and ever which obviously totally sucks ass but hey all the all stars winner in the actual show got votes at the f6 so I join the greats huh. The plan right now is to split the votes between Bryce and Zach and hope that both of them don’t have any idols sooooo best case scenario is the legacy advantage is a bunch of absolute shit and we can skate happily through. Worst case scenario is that I get voted out with a double idol play which would be the exact opposite of fun.

AHHHHHH I WON SOMETHINGGGGG WWOOOOOOOO!

So, as I said in my previous confessional. My strategy this round was dependent on the outcome of the immunity challenge, and... well, I WON! AHSHSAHSKD

There are loads of different plans floating around and tbh everyones name (except mine <3) has been thrown out there. That's one of the reasons this was such a critical immunity to win. The second is that it allows me to confidently go to people knowing who I want out without fear of being tattled on. I want Zach out this round. He came for me at the last Tribal Council and I don't want to give him a second chance.

The way to do this is complicated though, due to Bryce holding the legacy advantage. It's all well and good to be immune and not really care how that power is utilized, but asking someone who knows Bryce probably has the legacy advantage to throw a vote on him "just in case" is a really tough sell. Michael has offered me an F3 deal and also said he'd be willing to vote Bryce this round which is an odd thing to say, but with immunity on my side and Chris having an idol in his pocket, Michael can't really do much damage to me.

I want to get Chris to play the idol this round because realistically him being unimmune makes me less likely to be a target for Bryce or Michael at these critical last few votes. Not to mention that the idol is essentially useless if Zach goes here and anyone besides Bryce wins immunity next round.

i dont know. LOL thats the simplest answer. michael and chloe (and loris) were stupid last round. literally.. fucking dumb. no offence.

i have 0 chance of winning. michaels apparently being sketch. bryce is too. stephen maybe? like i dont know.

i legit just dont know what to do

im probs gonna end up voting michael tonight to ensure my safety but LOL LIKE WHY WHATS EVEN HAPPENING

Ugh I am so NERVOUS for this vote because I have to really really lie and promise zach im not voting him and hopefully he’s buying it. I don’t want to vote him out but it’s what I need to do to stay alive and I didn’t come here to just lay down and die I’m gonna really really fight!

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Michael is voted out 3-2-1. He becomes the seventh member of our jury.

Watch Michael’s exit interview take place below:

[queer-dragoncat-spacewitch]

Just wrote a big huge life rant lotsa triggers and im on mobile so no read more sorry

So fun story its midnight im sober and i just broke down ugly crying in the kitchen I have a lot to process right now I havent cried in a few months now. I rarely cry on my own, usually only if im being yelled at. I think the last time i cried by myself was february but i dont remember february very much so i dont know if i did. I was just sorta walking around the kitchen cause thats like my major stim and im very overwhelmed from doing basically 9 tests and 2 calls with my teacher in two days and basically now im one test away from finishing my senior year. Im going to a concert ive wanted to go to for five years now tomarrow and i havent even been able to feel excited ive been so stressed. Ive been having stressed dreams again so im gettin no rest. I can barely function physically without weed now. Were moving and i have to leave my 11 year home by the end of may. Ill never really get to live in our new home because im going to college. Im basically in a limbo where i dont actually live anywhere, im just staying places until i move to new places that ill stay at for a period of time until i move again. I have an SAT and two AP tests this may and i havent really studied at all. At college ill be transitioning and my parents told me they refuse to support me so ill have to get a job pretty much right away no matter how many scholarships i get. I have about 5000 more scholarship essays to write. I seriously doubt my ability to make it in college, academically or in the "living on my own" way, because lets be honest i struggle with doing the bare minimum to take care of myself. I dont know how ill get weed in college and im scared because i literally need it to get out of bed 4/7 days of the week. Im talking i have to keep it on my bedside table because i literally cant get up. I dont have the self control to be responsable for my own health and i just gotta sorts hope i can develope that by the end of this summer or else ill drop out of college and live at home forever. I also will be presenting how i want to in college and just sorta have to hope i dont get raped or beaten up or killed because im trans and also usually stoned. And of course i got that wave of doubt like "yeah ive been trans for years but what if my parents are right and i dont actually want any of this anyways" but lets be honest the only thing ive wanted since i was 10 was to die and ive just settled for trying to get the best outcome in the rest of my life by chosing to go after things that sorta sounded right to me. My grandma has terminal cancer so shes probably gunna die soon. My cat is so neurotic that she probably wont be able to adjust to living at college with me and ill have to go through life without my emotional support animal. Which is probably for the best because like i said im not even sure if i can take care of myself so its probably not really even a good idea to try and keep a pet on my own. Ive spent all this time stressing about my weight and i havent lost any (because i dont have the self control to eat right and im not physically well enought to exercise and lets face it i keep most of my weight due to stress anyways) so in college ill probably just get fucking fat and then die because my health is such actual shit. Even my longest friend doubts my ability to make friends so im probably gunna be sad and alone because my autistic hypersexual ass isnt capable of socializing properly and i just make a fool out of myself and ill probably lose all my friends when i move to college cause theyll care about other people more than me because everyone already does and my obsessive insistant communication is the only thing keeping us together. Speaking of keeping together i also have to decide if i even want to keep in touch with my parents as an adult. I know my moms abusive and i shouls by no means stay in a situation where im getting abused but i love her and i dont know what to do. Its definately right for my mental health to cut her off but shes my mother and i cant help but want her in my life. So basically thats the worst case scenario for pretty much everything happening in my life right now. Honestly i dont beleive half that stuff but back in the kitchen it just all crashed down on me and i started crying a lot and gasping trying to keep quiet so i didnt wake my parents and basically now ive written everything down and taken the time to process it and i feel a fucky heck better. Ive been really stressed because everythings happening at once but it was really good to let that out. I think im actually just gunna go to bed now. Its early for me but that was a lot and im tired.