#Also broken bitch boi (jack) gotta sort himself out there at the end

[whumpasaurus101]

Arthropod Day

Did I say I was going on a posting break? Yes. Am I using my poor bebe Asher and writing him more than any other of my oc’s? Yes. So, in conclusion, I couldn't resist Nemi’s ( @brutal-nemesis ) Arthropod Day and decided to write this EHE.

(also i would like my medal for barnacle whump tyvm (-even….. Even though it's not the focus….but uhh.. shhhhh)

CW death mention / worms.. Idk if that's a warning but you're getting one anyway XD / alcohol / drowning / past death mention / emeto mentioned / cursing

Asher sat up with a fright as he was awoken once more by a nightmare. He rubbed his eyes as he yawned and stood up. As he washed his face in the bathroom, he heard the bedroom door being opened. The minute Asher saw Rodger, he started to chortle, “HAH!!! Oh my- oh my god!!! You look like an- HAHAH you look like an idiot oh my god!”

Rodger scowled, “What are you talking about?! This is my fishing outfit!”

“FISHING?!?” Asher howled from laughter, “Oh Rodger…. Rodger, honey, you look….” Asher burst out laughing. “Hey! That's enough from you!” As Rodger pointed his finger, his yellow, rubber dungarees squeaked, making Asher snort as he laughed more.

Rodger was quick to slap Asher across the face, “Shut up!!! Now get dressed, you're coming fishing with me.” Asher rolled his eyes, “Oh fuck no, not happening, nuh uh.” “Asher if you don't get dressed right now, I swear to god I will drown you in the fucking lake when we get there.” Asher knew that he would actually do it. “I'm not going fishing with you.”

-

“Pass me another worm, will ya?” Asher grumbled and silently passed a worm over to Rodger, “This is dumb.” “Well so are you, now shut up before you scare away the fishies!” Asher rolled his eyes and sighed, sitting back in the small wooden boat. They were in some sort of lake, a big one. There were stones and rocks at the bottom, some closer to the horizon than others.

Asher watched as Rodger sipped at a beer, “Isn't it a bit too early for that?” Rodger looked at him with an eyebrow raised, “No, not today.” Asher’s eyebrows furrowed, “What do you mean?”

“You know, for a person who asks a shit ton of questions, you never ask the right ones.” Asher was now doubly confused, “Wh-what?”

Rodger scoffed and chugged the rest of his beer, shaking his head, “Never mind.”

“No, no, if you feel so strongly about it, do tell.” Rodger crushed his beer can in his fist and growled, “Just drop it.”

Asher grumbled but didn't push Rodger. Not yet.

Rodger felt a tug on the fishing rod and he started reeling it in. Asher watched -secretly intrigued- as a fish suddenly splashed out of the water. It danced around, desperate to be put back in the water. Asher watched as Rodger smiled at how desperate to fish was. “Sicko,” Asher grumbled. “What did you say?” Asher gulped, “N-nothing.”

“No, no, if you thought you were so funny, please, be my guest!” “Rodger, it's fine, just leave it.”

“No! You wanted to say something, say it louder!”

Asher was scared, his heart was pounding and a sudden ringing in his ears appeared, “Rodger, please, just drop it!” The fish was soon forgotten as Rodger lunged forward and dunked Asher’s head into the water. Asher was caught in surprise as he was only allowed a quick gasp before his head was plunged in the water.

Asher heaved in breaths as his head was lifted out of the water “R-Rodger please! What the fuck is wrong with y-” His head was shoved straight back into the water. He made the mistake of inhaling as he was underwater. Big mistake.

His arm quickly rushed behind him to slap Rodger, desperate for any air. He coughed under water, making his lungs weaker. He couldn’t breathe. He was going to die. And what a fucking way to go. A fishing trip. Wow-ee…

Rodger finally lifted him up and threw him across the boat. Asher coughed up water and groaned. He had whacked his head off of the wooden boat. He still heaved in breaths, coughing and spluttering -those didn’t really help with getting his breath back.

When he looked up, he saw Rodger sitting back down and fucking fishing again, as if that whole scene hadn’t just happened. Asher lay there for a moment, feeling weak. He took in several more gulps of air, trying to relax himself. He then clutched his stomach and slowly stood up, using the boat as a support. His weight affected nothing of the boat, he tried to ignore that.

He silently sat beside Rodger, watching the fishing rod’s line bob up and down in the water. He reached into the cooler and handed a beer to Rodger. He chuckled and took it, “Thanks.” He looked at it for a few minutes before sighing, “My uh, my dad passed away. Today…-” He sighed, “Today’s his anniversary.” Asher sucked his teeth, keeping his eyes glued to the water, “I’m uhm, I’m sorry to hear that I-”

“Oh shut up. I don't want your fucking sympathy!” Asher instantly shut his mouth, “Sorry.” There was silence. The boat softly rocked in the water, the sound of the water hitting against it. Birds flew up in the blue sky. There were tall dark trees that loomed over the water. Causing a cold breeze to appear. Asher shivered.

“You know, we weren't even that close. He barely spoke to me even. But somehow I miss that fucker. He’d go for ages not talking to me and then he’d bring me out fishing. I never understood him.” Asher didn't know what to say. Last time he opened his mouth, Rodger shouted at him. He decided to stay quiet.

Rodger looked at Asher, “What? You finished talking suddenly? Finally decided to shut up for fucking once?” Asher gulped, not knowing what to do. “Nothing?”

“I-I don't know what you want me to say!” Asher whined. “For fuck sake, you truly are useless! You know, I'm sick of you! I really am. You know what?” He quickly grabbed Asher by two fistfulls of his shirt and threw him into the lake, “You can make your own fucking way home.”

So the rocks that were mentioned earlier… yeah, turns out they were closer to the surface than they looked. And guess what else had decided to cling onto them, fucking barnicles. His head whacked against one of the rocks, the barnacles cutting his head along with the injury. He tried his best to kick himself up to the shore but he couldn’t see anything. The water was a mucky brown.

As he kicked more helplessly, dirt filled his vision. That’s when he felt something on his leg. Something sharp. He let out a cry underwater and used his arms to help him up.

Once his head went above water he gasped, “R-RODGER!” The world was spinning, his leg was on fire. “R-rodger -FUCK!” His head went underwater as his arms couldn't keep him up. Rodger cursed under his breath,he grabbed Asher by the shirt once more and hauled him into the boat.

Blood trickled down his leg which caught Rodger’s attention, “Let me see your leg.” “Well there’s not much to fucking see with all the blood,” Asher snapped through clenched teeth. Rodger rolled his eyes and grabbed Asher’s leg, lying it on his lap. He then looked to his side and saw his beer can.

He quickly poured it over Asher's leg, keeping a tight grip on it, knowing full well how much Asher would fight him. “OWWWW!! WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“Oh, would you calm down! It's just as good as rubbing alcohol, now let me have a look.” He used an old rag to wipe clean Asher’s leg and chuckled, “Blue crab.” Asher’s eyebrows furrowed, “What?” Rodger sighed as if it was obvious, “You got pinched by a blue crab.” Asher took a few breaths before yanking his leg back and sitting up quickly -instantly regretting it as the world spun for a few moments. “B-but why does it hurt so much? How did it even pinch me? I-”

“You must have angered it when you were kicking your legs like an idiot.” Then Rodger saw the blood on Asher’s shoulders and sighed, “You know what? I cant put up with you. Especially today out of all the days. I'm dropping you to Alicia’s” “But-!”

“Ap-bap-bap-bap. I don't wanna hear it.”

Asher slumped and folded his arms as Rodger turned the boat’s engine back on and the boat smoothly travelled across the lake. Rodger saw Asher shivering and silently handed him the oversized hoodie Asher liked. “There’s uhm, there should be a bandage roll in the bag if you wanna put it on your head until Jack can patch you up.”

Once Asher put on the hoodie, he quietly opened the bag and took out the bandage. He wrapped it around his head, making sure it was tight enough to help.

He sat back once more and closed his eyes. “Hey, I need you to keep your eyes open, alright? Just in case you have a concussion.” Asher groaned but nodded. He lay on his stomach and looked at the water which shot out from the motor of the boat.

That night, Asher and Jack were cuddling on Jack’s bed. Jack softly combed his hand through Asher’s hair as he slowly nodded off to sleep. Alicia came in, making Jack’s heart jump. “Please, let him sleep.” He was shocked when Alicia nodded, “Just wanted to check up on you guys.” Another shock. What was going on with her?

“Uhm, we’re good.” Alicia smiled, “Good. Here are some painkillers if he wakes up in pain. And Jack?” Jack looked up. “Love you.” Jack gulped, “L-love you t-too.”

---

Taglist: @likeit-or-whumpit @milk-carton-whump @appy-polly-loggies @yesthisiswhump @as-a-matter-of-whump @happy-whumper @myst-in-the-mirror @tears-and-lilies @heathenwhump

[felswritingfire]

Relationship Headcanons (SFW)

Kaioh Retsu:

I'd like to start this off that he'd be really picky with his partner. Like, super picky not because he means to- it's just diffcult for him to be genuinely attracted to someone enough to pursue a relationship with them.

Looks aren't all that important to him, but personality is an extremely important aspect. He prefers people that are a tad more outgoing, but knows when to reign in their excitableness- that being said he also really likes shyer people as well; he thinks that they're very cute (what I'm getting at is that I high-key headcanon him as Pansexual-)

Before he got with you, he made sure that you understood his fighting career and how dangerous it could be. He'd leave it up to you if you'd like to pursue a relationship after he tells you, but he'll respect your decision if you say no. But he will be e l a t e d if you say yes

Away from that, though, when he does find a partner that he wishes to persue a relationship with- he is super, super sweet!

He's an extremely considerate and understanding partner and just really wants to prioratize you're comfort

If you want a more laid back partner, he is your man- there's barely any arguements in the relationship, and if there is anything bothering you and/or him, he'll bring it up in a conversation so you guys can talk about it

It takes him a bit to be completely open to physical affection, even when he does get used to it, he's still a soft maybe on PDA; he won't hesitate to hold your hand tho. He loves holding your hand. LOVES IT.

The first time he held your hand though, it was about 1 1/2 months into the relationship (no one else knew about your relationship prior to this), and Katsumi, Katou and Doppo almost shit themselves because "oH MY GOD, RETSU'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND/SIGNIFICANT OTHER! RETSU'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND/SIGNIFICANT OTHER! RETSU'S GOT A GIRLFRIE-/BOYFRIE-/SIGNIFICA-" (and yes, I have a feeling these three have just enough dumbass bastard vibes enough to chant this)

Retsu was red for a week because these guys are (lovable) assholes. And Katou gets socked in the face because he just straight up went: "So, you bend them over ye-" and then he got a broken nose

On a different note, he's really touchy-feely in private

HE LOVES COOKING FOR YOU

And if you can cook- then, baby, it's partner cooking

You are 10/10 meeting his master, he's also excited when you guys get along

You also end up becoming well acquainted with the others (Katsumi, Doppo, Baki, Etc.) If you weren't already. And, boy, do you end up with some life long friends from that (and good training partners if you fight!).

Even if you do fight, he's protective of you. He'd try to sheild you from anything- even Yujiro if you, God forbid, caught his attention (this could be from just being a pretty face that appeals to him or a SUPER strong fighter that he wants to be his pray). This man is very ride or die.

If you're with him for the Convict Arc, and you are a skilled fighter, be prepared for the fact that he almost shit himself if one of them attacks you. It's their funeral if they end up hurting you- no matter how bad- they're dead.

Now you manage to fuck one of their shits up? He is both simultaneously worried about you, proud of you and being like: Oh shit that's hot-

Retsu doesn't get jealous. He gets mad if someone is trying to come onto you and making you uncomfortable and will not hesitate to get in their face. But not jealous. He's a man who is every comfortable with himself and the relationship. He wouldn't have started dating you if he had even the slightest inkling that you were going to cheat on him.

No matter how tall or short his partner is, he likes to rest his face on their chest.

Jack Hanma:

You two, MOST LIKELY, met a Restaurant- like, maybe you got stood up by some asshole and you just happen to notice this monster of a dude sitting at the table right next to you shoving an entire steak in his mouth, holy shit?????

When he catches you staring at him in bewilderment, he just gingerly dabs his mouth with his napkin and says, "What you've never see someone eat before?"

"Oh, I've seen that plenty of times- I've just never seen someone shove a whole steak into their mouth." You snark back.

He's honestly a little flustered on the inside, because yeah, you're right. But on the other hand, this (he thinks) is prime flirting time. So then you guys hit it off from there and by the end of the night you two have become friends and exchanged numbers.

If you have daddy issues too, prepare to bond over them, because he will not hesitate to bitch about his dad, because fuck that guy

Once you do get in a relationship, you realize Jack is a very quiet lover. He's calm and collected and he doesn't say much

But he listens and you know he does because he'll hum and grunt, stealing little glances at you if you're chattering away

He's really attached to you and is another extremely sweet partner

He's also really observant and will snag things that he knows you've been eyeing

Meeting his little brother is a must, you gotta meet Baki and be approved, which you most likely will be because Baki is a super sweet dude and he knows that his brother would pick an asshole to date

He dreads the day that his dad will meet you, because it'll happen inevitably, but he doesn't want you to happen

When it does happen I feel that it's a similar situation to Baki and Kozue, the only difference is is that Jack is hella pissed and on the verge of going ballistic, because what the fuck, dad???? ME AND MY S/O WERE HAVING A MOMENT, ASSHOLE-

He's a soft maybe on PDA, it reay depends on the time of day with him

When he is in a mood though, he'll hold your hand or wrap an arm around you to keep you close

He likes to lay his head in you lap at home and just stare up at you

You're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen

Likes to give you kisses on your cheek and forehead

He also likes to pick you up and carry you: you talking your friend? Sorry, baby, it's time to go. Shopping? I don't want to be here any more and I'm bored, let's go. My dad's here? TIME TO SKADDADLE, BABE.

He's huge, so I doubt your taller then him, but, hey, I might be wrong, but he really likes pulling you into him and holding you to his chest

He takes you out on dates to fancy resturaunts

He has some insecurities from whenever he was young, so when he gets jealous he gets HEATED

Like he is ready to kill a man, pls do not push his buttons when he's like this, just take him out of the situation and shower him in love snd affection because he worries he's not good enough

Please smooch him. He's sweet

If you're a fighter, he'll spar with you, but very gently, which may or may not piss you off tbh

But he means well

Absolutly head over heels for you

Hector Doyle:

Ok, I want to say, Doyle is a very tricky man who loves his teasing.

It'd be pretty "obvious", from his stand point, if he had a thing for you and wanted to pursue you. To you and everyone around you though, he just kinda comes off as,,,,a creepy dude???

Like, this poor guy has the shittiest time with... Personal interactions, unless it's fighting or social situations where he has a "word template" to go off of. He's just a real awkward dude and he kinda, low-key, has no tact sometimes; like when he just stares at you from across that Café you like to go to like some sort of freaky stalker guy planning to kill you. It doesn't help that you two bump into each other a lot and he just blurts out "You're hair looks really soft" BUT YOU TWO DON'T REALLY KNOW EACH OTHER AND WHY IS THIS DUDE TALKING ABOUT TOUCHING YOUR HAIR??????

When you two do, somehow, finally manage to talk to one another, he explains all the freaky stares and comments and he's like obviously I was flirting? Isn't that how it's done?

No Doyle. That is not how it's done.

Once you two manage to establish a relationship, it's kinda up to you to make a lot of the first moves again, Doyle is very ignorant to how social interaction works, this applies to relationship etiquette as well. That being said though, he has some sort of knowledge about how relationships work from books and shows, that also being said, his version of relationships is probably outdated because of the type of books and shows he watches/reads (Pride and Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, The Picture of Dorian Grey, etc.)

You gotta be prepared to put in the work to reap the rewards in this relationship-which are a lot actually!

For one thing, he is an extremely loyal partner and a really good listener (this not pertaining to the end of season 3, you know?) And he surprisingly has really good advice to offer

And! Once he figures out flirting, he's really good at it! He end up flustering you a lot, so be ready for that.

He's an unintentional hard yes on PDA. He just doesn't care. Your his and he's yours- he can smooch you when he wants. BUT, he is still really weary of this since he is a convict and he doesn't want you to be used against him. Or get hurt because of him. But he does end up touching you in whatever ways he can to be close to you: so, a slight bump of the hands her; maybe if you two are in a crowded enough bar, his hand caressing your lower back or resting in your back pocket; feet resting on top of one another under the table in the very back of that Café where no one can see you two-

At home it's a completely different situation- he likes to grab your hips and press you against the wall and just kiss the ever loving F U C K out of you; his hands will wonder and this usually leads to some fun times, but sometimes it just ends in some cute ass cuddles.

And might I just add on to the whole Convict part: he didn't tell you that he was a deathrow inmate until the fourth date. And he just brought it up casually, on the inside he was nervous as hell, but on the outside he's like, normal calm and collected Doyle (I mean, if you didn't already know).

Doyle gets jealous every once in a while, but it's still pretty rare, usually he just, kinda shooes them off. But, when those rare moments do occur, get ready for a blood bath because whoever thought it was smart enough to try and flirt with you is either getting a verbal beating of a life time or a physical one. And let me tell you, either one is crippling, one just means you can walk away in tears while the other you're most likely dead

After that mess Doyle'll drag your ass out of there and take you back to the apartment where he's even more touchy then usual.

He tries his absolute hardest to shield you away from the other convicts. He doesn't trust any of them and is so, so afraid one of them will do something to you.

Similarly with Retsu, even if you do fight he'll be protective of you, but he'll most likely be more relaxed about it if you can fight.

In that same vein, he'd totally spar with you. And if it gets heated that just means he manipulate it into some fun times ;)

Really like movie night as a date night. He's been exposed to so many mainstream shows/movies because of you, it's great.

Sikorsky:

THIS BITCH- THIS SUAVE BITCH-

He walked into wherever you were and pinpointed you, out everyone else in the room, as the hottest piece of ass in there. Waited for you to notice the heavy weight of a heated gaze on you, look up and make eye contact with him before he gives you this lazy smirk and saunters, easy, slow steps, with all the confidence of Apollo, over to you and leans against the wall with one arm and starts chatting you up. It doesn't matter if you're taller then him, you will feel small and a lil' intimidated/turned on.

I ain't gonna lie, you guys probably start out as a one night stand and became a friends with benefits after you fed him waffles in the morning after aforementioned one night stand and got to know each other, knowing Sikorsky- he just ends up coming to you every time he needs to blow off steam, which is, admittedly, a lot.

Sikorsky is a big ol' dumbass when it comes to the dreaded things called emotions, so he drops of the face of the Earth (at least to you) after he realizes how bad he's got it for you.

He pops up again after he had time to think about it and mull it over. And, would you look at that? He brought flowers and chocolate!

He's real shit at using his words to express himself, he's more of a actions type of guy, opposed to words, that doesn't mean can't be eloquently spoken, he just has a hard time when he's getting frustrated/experiancing heavy emotions; so gift giving is his go to as an apology!

He's actually a really observant lover due to this! He also remembers really important dates too!

He's really good with his hands so more often then not, he'll offer to give you a message after you had a long day at work, this sometimes leads to some sexy time; even if it doesn't though, his hands still feel amazing: they're rough and calluses, sure, but it sends such nice tingles down your back, you can't help but sigh.

He's really gentle when he holds your hands because he knows that his grip strength is off the wall and, he won't tell you, but he is terrified of hurting you.

Another hard yes on PDA but this time it's intentional. Sikorsky likes to prove his dominance over you, which may or may not lead to some arguements between you guys, and flaunt you relationship so he will openly shove his tongue down your throat to prove a point.

He has a tendency to grab your hips and press you flush against him, or even pull you onto his lap in resturaints, he'll whisper dirty things into your ear like this, so be prepared.

He likes to push your buttons once in a while because he thinks your hot when you're mad. He's a little shit and sometime has the mental fortitude of a 12 year old boy. It just comes with the territory of dating him, unfortunately

Sikorsky gets jealous easily and flies off the handle way too much, you'll have to really talk to him about that. But afterwards he'll drag you of there and, instead of making it to your guy's humble abode, he'll take you into the closest alleyway and start making out with you hard. It's almost too much, but it's kinda hot????

Anyway, Sikorsky may not seem like it, but he has your back. He wouldn't let anything happen to you without a fight. Even if you're a fighter.

SPEAKING OF IF YOU'RE A FIGHTER, SIKORSKY WILL FIND IT HOT AS F U C K. LIKE, TRY AND KICK HIS ASS, BABE, DO IIIIT

You will def. be his training partner, whomst he will smooch and smack your ass at any given opportunity

He likes to lay his head on your ads and straight up be like "don't fart, babe, or I'll slap your ass so hard that you won't be able to walk for a week" and you've never want to slap a man more in your life.

[overwatchworks]

Teammates Through and Through:

McCree head-canon Chapter 3, Part 2

Jesse walked onto the airship, enjoying the clinking sound his brand new shiny spurs made as he took each step. As soon as Jack had mentioned them, Jesse couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it before. What was a cowboy without his spurs? So he had gone up to Gabe the very next morning and demanded he have some boots made specially with spurs, the Blackwatch commander giving him an oddly smug look as he agreed without a fuss. That had worried Jesse slightly, but he didn’t care now. He had his complete look at last. 

Jesse sat down on the cold but oddly comfortable seats in the drop ship, hoping no one would notice him in the corner so he wouldn’t feel obliged to make painfully awkward small talk. Only about half the Blackwatch team trusted him, and just barely at that. The others? Jesse thought the world would have to end before the thought of Jesse McCree and teammate together could even cross their closed minds. 

Jesse pulled his hat down over his eyes when others started filing on the ship, and while this wasn’t his first mission, he still got jittery with nerves. He was only put on the easy scouting missions or something similar to that, to keep him safe or some shit like that. Jesse knew it was because he was a rookie at this though, and honestly, he was glad he could go on a mission of some sort without the very large threat of getting a bullet lodged somewhere in his body.

“Hey, McCree. Don’t sit in that corner, it’s where the losers sit! Come on, we don’t bite.” Jensen called when he saw Jesse sitting alone, motioning with his hand to join the group he was sitting with.

“Well, I mean, not all of us bite. Sometimes Haylie does.” Keenan sniggered, and Haylie smacked his arm.

“I do NOT. At least not when you don’t deserve it.”

“You have much experience with that then Keenan?” Jensen cackled, and that earned him a rough shove from Keenan and a high five from Haylie. Jesse smiled a bit at their playful banter, then he went over to join them, sitting next to Haylie after she patted the seat there.

“Don’t listen to those sons of bitches, they suck.”

“Yeah, suck your dick!”

“God, why are you so immature! I don’t even have a fucking dick!!”

“Psh, whatever. We all know you’re hiding something down there.”

“I will remove myself and Jesse from this conversation if you don’t stop talking like a fucking twelve year old with no filter!” Haylie threatened, and Keenan laughed, shaking his head while Jensen rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“You two are gonna be the death of me, you know that?” Jensen sighed, and then he leaned over to look at Jesse, his dark blue hair falling into his eyes a bit.

“This isn’t your first mission, is it Jesse? Do you mind if I call you Jesse?”

“Uh, nah, that’s fine. And it ain’t my first mission, no. They’ve been pretty simple so far.”

“Yeah, we call it the good ol’ rookie enhancement program here. Plop them in the boring and easy shit before you really get down to business. The higher ups get all the fun crap while we just do stakeouts for starters, but it’ll get better as you go.” Jensen told him, leaning back again and fiddling with something on his jacket absently.

“I hear we’re going to California! You ever been there Jesse, since you’re from the States and all?” Haylie asked, excitement colouring her tone as she bounced a bit in her seat.

“Uh, nah. I never really got away from Santa Fe ‘till now...” Jesse mumbled, scratching at the back of his head nervously and tapping his feet together.

“Aw, that’s no fun. Hey hey, I know the desert is hot, but like, how hot is it? Like, have you ever tried cooking an egg or something on the sidewalk?” Keenan piped up, brows raising as Jesse laughed.

“No, I ain’t ever tried ta fry an egg on the sidewalk, but it was probably hot enough in the summers ta manage it. The desert cools down about twenty degrees at night, so it’s nice as long as the sun ain’t tryin’ ta cook ya alive. An’ lemme tell ya, some days in the summer, it felt like it could. Fuckin’ hotter than hell.”

“Are mirages an actual thing?” Keenan continued, bright blue eyes wide with interest.

“Yup. I once thought I saw a bear in one of them canyon caves down in the gorge. It was movin’ around an’ growlin’, everythin’. But there ain’t no bears in the desert...Anyways, I was alone, so I figured the best thin’ ta do was try an’ shoot the damn thin’. Now this was fifteen year old me, so he wasn’t the smartest fella, but I was also dehydrated and sweatin’ bullets, so I wanted in that cave. Long story short, I wasted almost an entire round shootin’ at rocks and an empty cave, an’ the ricochet of one bullet nearly killed me. So yeah, they’re real.” Jesse finished with a little nod to himself, pushing back the memories of other, far worse mirages he’d had on the days spent alone out in the desert heat and sand, especially after a particularly brutal session in the Red Room. He shook off those thoughts, the other agent’s laughter pulling him to the present, and he grinned a bit.

“No shit? That’s pretty good.” Keenan chortled, and Haylie pushed her choppy blonde hair from her face before addressing Jesse again.

“So you’ve seriously only lived in the desert? Switzerland is just about the opposite of that, huh?”

“Yeah, I ain’t quite used ta the chill there. But it ain’t half bad when it’s sunny out an’ ya’ve been runnin’ fer an hour.”  

Jesse ended up conversing with them until they got tired, and then they took a nap on one another, Keenan and Haylie resting on each other’s shoulder while Jensen splayed out in their laps. Jesse smiled at them before standing and stretching, not feeling too tired himself, so he checked over his gun until that got boring. He wandered over to the windows, peeking outside and sighing when there was only ocean for miles, then deciding sleep would be the best way to pass all the time.  

--

California wasn’t half bad in Jesse’s opinion; the air was tangy from the salt from the sea, and the wind blew in from the mountains, so it wasn’t too hot. It was packed as hell with people and buildings, but the beaches were still clear and enjoyable. That’s where Jesse was, just wandering along the damp sand, fresh after a rain and their successful mission, and he looked around lazily. They were just waiting for a rendezvous ship at this point, and Jesse had gotten bored and wandered to the ocean. 

He stood at the surf and admired the churning, dark waves, the sky still cloudy but no longer heavy with moisture, head turning slightly when he heard footsteps approaching. A middle aged woman was walking towards him, black hair streaked with grey tied up in a neat bun atop her head, skin dark and tanned nicely. Jesse tipped his hat to her as she got closer, but then she stopped dead in her tracks, brown eyes widening and brows furrowing.

“Oh, Dios mío...¿Eres realmente tú...? (Oh my god...Is that really you...?) Jesse McCree...?” She asked in a wavering, Spanish lilted voice, Jesse frowning a bit. Those eyes were familiar in a way...

“That’d be me, yeah. Do we know each other?” Jesse inquired, still not quite able to place the face in front of him.

“I...Gabriella McCree. I—I’m your mother...”

Jesse stared at her for a moment, then shoved his hands into his pockets with a soft “tch”, eyes turning back to the ocean.

“Ya gotta be lyin’, ‘cause I never had one growin’ up. Stop fuckin’ with me.” Jesse growled, stepping away when the woman tried to reach out to him, those eyes imploring. Jesse recognized them now, they matched the ones that had left him so long ago with a broken promise to come back for him. There was no mistaking that face that had been burned into his mind that day.

“No, ya keep yer fuckin’ hands offa me, ya hear? I ain’t yer son, ya let go ‘a him the moment ya left that day.”

“No, no please you have to understand that we—“

“No, I ain’t gotta understand nothin’! Ya fuckin’ left me, an’ I don’t care why, ‘cause ya did! Ya left me with that son of a bitch brother o’ yers, an’ my life has been fuckin’ miserable since!”

“Please, no Jesse, we were going to come back—“

“But ya never did! Ya never came back, an’ now I find ya in fuckin’ California, enjoyin’ the beach after god knows how long! So enjoy it then, Ma. An’ leave me the fuck alone, ya didn’t have any trouble with it before. I want no part o’ yer lies.” Jesse bit out, flinching when Gabriella set her hand on his shoulder.

“Jesse...”

Jesse grit his teeth, glaring at the woman, this stranger that had the gall to say these things to him, and he felt absolutely nothing upon seeing the tears spilling down her cheeks. He whipped out his revolver in the blink of an eye, pressing it under the woman’s chin, fury making his hand shake.

“I said. Don’t. Fuckin’. Touch me.” Jesse whispered, voice dangerous, and Gabriella turned a shade paler.

“No...No please. I didn’t want to leave my baby boy that day, I didn’t want to leave you Jesse! You must understand that, in our circumstances that we couldn’t keep you—“

“Yer circumstances. Well goddamn, why don’t I just forget the shithole of a man ya left me with and the hell I’ve been livin’ in fer the past fifteen years an’ forgive ya like it’s nothin’! Obviously ya were right, I shoulda just waited a lil’ longer, that I shoulda believed yer lies! Well guess what Ma? I did! I fuckin’ believed you would come back fer me, an’ look where that got me!” Jesse roared, finger tightening hazardously on the trigger of his revolver in his rage before a voice cut through the sound of the waves and the woman’s blubbering.

“Jesse McCree!”

“Ah, fuck...” Jesse grumbled, shoving the gun back into the hidden holster and pushing the Gabriella away from him. She landed on her knees in the sand, staring blankly and sobbing silently. Jesse felt nothing, and he turned to a livid looking Reyes.

“Are you outta your goddamn mind?! Threatening a civilian?!” The commander hissed, and Jesse gave her a glare before storming past Reyes without answering.

“McCree? McCree! Son of a bitch, Jesse—!“

Jesse ran up the slopes and back towards the city center, ignoring the furious calls of his name and finding his way to the drop ship that had just come for them. He dropped himself into a seat in the corner heavily, yanking the brim of his hat over his eyes and glaring hard at his boots, arms crossed over his chest while his hands were stuck in tight fists. He refused to think about anything that had happened or been said in that encounter, and when Reyes came onto the ship a few minutes later, they took off without another word to each other.

--

“Agent McCree.”

Jesse rolled his eyes as his shoulders slumped a bit. He had been hoping the eleven hour flight would have been enough to make Reyes forget about his outburst and let his anger die down, but neither had happened, unfortunately.

“Sir.”

“Come with me.” Reyes growled with a quick motion of his hand, and Jesse tugged on the brim of his hat as he followed. He could feel the agent’s eyes on him as he tried to keep up with the commander’s long strides, and they eventually turned a corner and down a hall. 

Jesse tapped his fingers against the holster of his gun nervously, not really paying attention to where they were going until Reyes stopped outside of a room to type a passcode in. Jesse stepped inside after the commander, and the door shut, trapping him inside with a furious Reyes.

“Alright. What the fuck was that about?” Reyes asked in an all too calm voice, sitting down behind his desk and lacing his fingers together.

“Nothin’.” Jesse grunted, crossing his arms over his chest and staring just past the commander’s shoulder.

“Oh, so you just decided to pull a gun on a random ass lady that was walking past and enjoying her day at the beach for no reason then, is that it?”

“No.”

“No? Then do enlighten me on the matter.”

“It ain’t yer business.” Jesse mumbled, and Reyes’ brows furrowed over his dark eyes, anger dancing behind them.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, it ain’t yer business.” Jesse spat, arms falling to his sides, hands continually clenching and unclenching as he got the sudden urge to run.

“Wrong. You pulled a gun on someone in my division, under my specific orders not to, so that makes it my business to take care of it. That’s a major offense McCree, people don’t take a barrel pressed to their head lightly. This shit could get leaked, that lady could spread it, and you know how the UN just loves to jump all over our asses about this. So tell me, what the HELL was going on!” Reyes’ voice raised at the end, and he stood, hands pressing against his desk as he leaned forward. Jesse shot him a glare, keeping him mouth clamped stubbornly shut, and the commander sighed.

“Well then. You’re suspended from all missions from now on until I deem you fit for service again, and you’ll be practicing all day, every day for the next week for mouthing off and to make sure something like this never happens again. This will keep up until you give me a very, very good reason behind the shit you pulled, so unless you have anything to tell me, get your ass into the gym.”

Reyes waited through all of two seconds of Jesse gritting his teeth and glaring back at him in silence before he slammed his hands on the desk.

“Alright, get out. If you’re not in the gym in ten minutes, you’ll be doing push-ups all night, Agent McCree.” Reyes growled, and Jesse turned on his heel without a word and stormed out of the office, fingers itching to fight or shoot something. 

Fury was just barely kept at bay, along with other, less prominent feelings he refused to acknowledge-those would eventually go away if he ignored them long enough. Jesse went back to his room to change, throwing his hat onto the bed and kicking his boots to the side before pulling on his work-out gear, debating whether or not to bring his gun to practice after the session with Reyes. He figured his commander would make him work his ass off until he could barely move, so he decided against it, throwing on a jacket and pulling the hood up with a glare. 

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Jesse trudged to the gym, eyes downcast as he waited on the bench to be joined by Reyes. A few agents passed him while he sat, though they were all heading out for a late dinner or to their rooms for some rest, as late as it was.

“McCree.”

Jesse glanced up, internally groaning when he saw Reyes standing by the boxing ring and motioning to him. He stood slowly, then wandered over, feeling heavy since he walked off the ship earlier that day, but now it was overbearing.

“Take off the hoodie. You won’t want it.” Reyes demanded, and Jesse did as he was told without a word or complaint. They stepped into the ring, the commander tossing him a pair of boxing gloves before strapping on his own, sliding back into a defensive stance.

“I want you to work on your attacks, McCree. They’ve been sloppy lately, so focus on your stance and form. Remember your breathing. Now show me what you’ve got.” Reyes told him, making a little motion with his hand as Jesse advanced on him cautiously, smoothing his breathing down into a good rhythm. 

He then did a few quick jabs at Reyes, all easily blocked, but they were followed up almost immediately by a kick to the side of the leg. The commander had been expecting that, however, and he sidestepped before following up with a quick turn, snapping his arm out and into Jesse’s rib cage. The cowboy grunted, taking a step back and narrowing his eyes as he lowered his stance.

“No, no you’re just attacking me this time. Don’t go on the defensive, that’s my job this round. I won’t go after you until you get your attacks right.” Reyes chastised him, Jesse barely nodding as he moved towards the commander, throwing another few punches. He breathed in through his nose, out through his mouth, staying light on his feet and circling Reyes, adding a jab every now and then.

“Come on McCree, this is embarrassing! I taught you better than this! Don’t just dance around me, fight!”

Jesse growled and spun, whipping his leg out and catching Reyes in the side, though the commander wrapped his arms around the limb, pulling him to the side and tipping his balance. Jesse went with it, using the momentum to swing his other leg up and around the commander’s head, slamming himself into Reyes and taking them both to the floor in the blink of an eye. Gabriel blinked as Jesse stood and went back to his starting position, teeth gritted and eyes like steel. The commander stood slowly, then sank down again, motioning to the cowboy even as he was already launching into another attack.

“Let it out, kid. There’s no one here, you can let it all out.” Gabe hissed through clenched teeth, arms crossed in an ‘x’ over his head to block the punches Jesse was raining down on him. 

A growl left the cowboy at that, and he spun into another kick, knocking Reyes’ hands aside and whipping an arm out, palm slamming into his cheekbone. Gabriel reeled, Jesse’s glare deepening as he kept up his attack and breathing.

“That it? Come on! Come at me like you mean it! Let it out!” Reyes yelled, shoving Jesse’s unbalanced form away easily. Jesse steadied himself, then shouted as he put all the strength he could manage behind his punches, the commander falling back against the renewed onslaught.

“Let it out!”

Jesse twisted and slammed a fist into Gabe’s shoulder, another shout leaving him as his walls crumbled around him.

“WHY’D YOU HAVE TA LEAVE ME?! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!” He screamed, tears streaking down his cheeks, still pummeling Reyes with weakening strikes.

“W-what did I do?! Why wasn’t I good e-enough?! Why didn’t ya love me...?” Jesse whimpered, hands falling to his sides and head drooping onto Gabriel’s shoulder, his own hunched as he clutched his head and sobbed into his hands.

“That’s it. I got you kid. Just let it all out.” Reyes told him as he stood straighter, arms wrapping around Jesse in a firm embrace. The cowboy heaved, hands covering his face as he scrubbed his palms over his cheeks.

“I don’t u-understand...! I dunno what I did s-so wrong that ya had ta le-leave me...An’ I’ve been so los-lost since, I dunno what t-ta do! J-just so lost on everythin’...”

Gabe hugged him until his cries died down, Jesse eventually pulling himself together enough to feel thoroughly embarrassed and humiliated by the whole situation.

“G-God I’m sorry. Cryin’ like a baby all over ya, I’m s-sorry. I’ll get outta yer hair...” Jesse mumbled, stepping away from the commander only to be stopped by the hand that was placed on his shoulder.

“Jesse, you need to stop bottling this up. I get it if you don’t want to talk to me about it, but at least go see Ana, okay? You aren’t bothering me with this. We all got shit trying to choke us up here, so if you ever need someone to talk to or beat the crap out of, just come get me. We’re a team here, and we help one another out, even on stuff like this, alright?” Reyes told him firmly, though there was understanding in his gaze, even kindness. Jesse nodded, wiping his nose and stepping off the practice ring, snatching up his hoodie. He slipped it on over his head, keeping the hood up to hide his blotchy red face, then went to the door.

“Jesse—“

“Yeah yeah, I’m goin’ ta Ana.” Jesse called in a weakly teasing tone, and he turned right before leaving to face the commander with a small smile.

“Thanks Gabe.”

“Yeah. Now get on outta here.” Reyes shooed him off with a slight quirk to his lips, arms crossed over his chest as Jesse went to seek out Ana like he had been told.

~~

[gutsybitsies]

bakery au (oldie but a goodie)

Part 1

“He hates me,” Bitty moaned, flopping on his couch. Holster was raiding his kitchen, listening to his rant about Jack Zimmermann.

“I don’t even know what I did wrong! Maybe it was because I told him that he played a hard game last night the first time he came into the bakery? All he does is glare at me and say stuff like ‘Eric, the coffee is too sweet,’ or ‘Eric, you need more protein.’”

“Brah, maybe Zimmermann just has a total resting bitch face,” said Holster as he pulled out a leftover pie from Bitty’s fridge. “Guy seems fucking intense. At least he’s good for business.”

“He keeps on glaring at me! And he comes in, like, three times a week. Orders a coffee and just drinks it in his corner, ignores my attempts at conversation even though, mind you, he has already said some pretty rude stuff!”

“The guy’s a celebrity, he probably has his head so far in his ass and doesn’t care about shit, and also just wants some privacy. Bits, you haven’t been taking pictures of him and posting it on twitter have you?” Holster asked, alarmed.

Bitty gasped, “Adam Birkholtz! I would never!”

“Then just treat him like an antisocial customer, he can’t be the only one going to the bakery who doesn’t want conversation and just wants service and food,” Holster said, dropping down next to Bitty on the couch with two tins of pie.

“I know,” Bitty sighs. “He’s just...so handsome. And he was so nice to Nursey when that fool tripped. And he tips generously. And he’s just so gorgeous, even when he’s glaring at me and speaking in grunts whenever I ask him how his day has been. I just want him to like me!”

Holster navigated the TV to a rerun of Golden Girls and handed Bitty one of the pie tins. “I think that’s your problem. You’re an amazing person, Bits, but maybe you can be a bit too friendly for resting bitch face robozoid Zimmermann. Maybe stop asking him about his day and just let him chill.”

Bitty stayed silent for a while before turning to Holster. “You don’t think it’s because I look...you know.”

“What?” Holster asked, spraying pie over Bitty’s nice floor (it’s hardwood because he knew how his friends are like, and it’s so much easier cleaning liquor and other fluids off of hardwood floor).

“Gay,” Bitty whispered.

Holster considered that for a moment. “Nah, I don’t think so. Anyway, Ransom would’ve mentioned it.”

“You’re right,” Bitty said. “That just means it’s something personal with me.”

“Brah, you can’t make everyone like you, man,” Holster said.

“That’s easy to say from someone who hates everyone,” Bitty said.

“I don’t hate everyone, I’m just in a constant state of mild annoyance at a majority of the population. For example, you’re excluded from that demographic.”

“Thanks, I guess?”

Holster glanced at Bitty, shifting a little. Alarms started ringing in Bitty’s head.

“No. Holster. Bad boy. Stay there. No.”

“Too late!” Holster flung his empty tin away and tackled Bitty. “It’s time for bro cuddles!”

“Adam Birkholtz!”

“This is just to show how much I love you, brah!”

“I don’t want your friendship anymore!!”

Jack had a routine, usually governed by whatever calendar event Georgia’s assistant hands him and the rest of the team. Recently, his routine underwent a change the moment he first entered a small bakery around ten blocks away from where he lived. It had a homey atmosphere, but still managed to look adorable and modern. There were a few customers in line already, and a few more sitting down on cute tables and eating breakfast.

He had rushed out of bed that morning, upset about a phone call with his father the night before and hadn’t had any breakfast. Ransom had always said stuff about finding new places to eat at, so Jack figured he’d take a risk with the one shop that caught his eyes.

“Good morning! How’s your day been!” Before he knew it, Jack was at the front of the line and a handsome young man was beaming up at him. He had warm brown eyes and peeling skin on his nose, with a dash of pale, almost imperceptible freckles dusting his face.

“Um.” Jack replied.

“Well, what would you like today, mister?” The young man, Eric (and his name tag was also so fucking cute), asked.

“Coffee,” Jack spit out.

“Anything else with your coffee, sir?”

“Um,” Jack said again. His vocabulary was immensely impaired at the sight of Eric’s pearly whites.

“Very well sir, here’s your order number and it’ll be ready in a jiffy!”

Jack wondered if Eric recognized him, the other patrons certainly haven’t. They were either in a hurry or too tired and engrossed in their own business. Maybe Eric didn’t watch hockey? Jack knew that Poots would humble brag about being a hockey player to get dates, but he never felt comfortable about that sort of behavior.

“Number 45!” A clear voice called.

Jack turned and accepted his coffee from a tall, sleepy looking man. When he turned to leave, he heard another voice call out to him.

“It was a hard game last night, Mr. Zimmermann, but you played really well! We’re all rooting for you!” It was Eric, smiling and waving at him.

“Um.” Jack said. Think! Say something! Say anything! Do something!!!! “You should really wear sunscreen unless you want skin cancer.” What the fuck.

At the sight of Eric’s confused face, Jack hightailed out of the bakery and tried to push the whole embarrassing experience out of his head.

That was supposed to be the end of that. But Jack found himself standing at the entrance of the store a few days later. There were a few customers at the shop, but no one on line at the register. A familiar sleepy looking young man was manning it, and there were no signs of Eric.

Good, Jack thought. He just wants a cup of good coffee and maybe a croissant. No need to embarrass himself in front of a stranger.

He walked into the store, and browsed the pastry selection. Jack didn’t eat sweets often, or at all. But Nate said that today can be a cheat day, so he can have a slice of cake.

“Can I have a slice of key lime cake and a coffee, please?” He asked the man, Derek.

“Right on,” Derek replied. What happened next happened fast. One moment Derek was walking over to get a slice of cake out, and the next moment he’d tripped and smashed his face into the counter, fell on the floor, and was clutching his nose.

“What in tarnation is that noise?” From a door located behind the counter, Eric rushed out and gasped at the sight of Derek on the floor. “Nursey! Oh sweetheart, are you okay?”

A few of the other patrons walked over to see what was happening.

“Should I call an ambulance?” A kind looking old woman asked.

“No, no, I’m fine,” said Derek. “Think I just sprained my ankle and bruised my face.”

Eric felt Derek’s nose, the other man winced but stayed still.

“Good thing is that you don’t have a broken nose. I am so terribly sorry for this commotion, y’all!” Eric apologized to the customers. “We have this all under control. Derek, I’m going to call Chowder and have him pick you up, okay?”

“What? That’s bullshit, I can still work.”

“Honey, your ankle is the size of a tennis ball.”

“I can take him to the hospital,” Jack offered. Both Derek and Eric looked up at him in surprise. “I’m free this afternoon, I can drive him over. It’s partly my fault he’s injured, he tripped when he was getting my order.”

“You will do no such thing, mister. But I’m awfully touched that you offered.” Eric smiled at him, and Jack wondered if he himself needed a checkup at the hospital because his heart was acting strange. “No, I’m going to call someone and pick up this walking disaster-”

“Hey,” Derek complained.

“-this walking disaster, and he’ll be taken care of by his overprotective roommates. And unless you’re feeling miraculously fine later,” Eric said to Derek. “Take tomorrow off, too. Wait just one moment, Mr. Zimmermann!” He led Derek into the backroom and then popped back out. “What was your order again?”

Jack was back in the bakery two days later, this time a little down when he found out that Eric wasn’t in.

“Um, Eric’s not here today?” He asked Derek, who was moving with a slight limp.

“Nah, he’s visiting our flour suppliers. Gotta make that cake from something, y’know?”

“Oh.” Crestfallen, Jack took his coffee and cake and walked back to his apartment in a strange, morose mood.

The fourth time Jack was in the bakery was probably when he started mentally compartmentalizing the visits into his routine. Jack liked the way that Eric smiled at him and asked him about his day, even though Jack was usually too tongue tied to do anything but grunt “Mmhm” roughly and then turn tail to hide in a corner table of the place.

“Good morning! What would you like today?” Eric would ask him.

“Coffee and a ham and egg sandwich,” were Jack’s usual reply.

“Coffee and a Key Lime Cake,” were his responses when he was on a cheat day.

“Mmhm,” were used whenever Eric asked him how his day went.

Small throaty grunts were whenever Eric started talking about his own day and what he had planned for the bakery.

“Oh, sorry I must be always annoying you with this talk, it’s just me, I’m a natural born chatterbox!” Were variations of what Eric said, apologizing for talking too much, then proceeding to chatter on and on about the different types of apples and pears used in his pies.

The worst responses, however, were when Jack tried to say something witty and funny to Eric in response to whatever Eric said, and they would backfire so terribly and he would be so embarrassed he almost sprinted away from the bakery.

“You’ve never tried one of my pies before, you really should order one today!” Eric had told him one day.

“No thanks,” Jack said. Then, panicking at the fact that Eric was now looking directly at him instead of all those moments when Eric talked to him but was busy with making coffee and orders, he blurted out, “You need to eat more protein.”

“Excuse me?” For once, Eric seemed a bit offended at what Jack said.

“Um. It’s good for you.” Without another word, Jack grabbed his coffee and sandwich and dashed out the door. He didn’t know why his heart is beating so fast, maybe it was because of how he kept on embarrassing himself in front of Eric. He couldn’t help it. For some reason Jack was hyperaware of himself in front of Eric, afraid that whatever he said would be terrible, and whenever he said anything it became a self fulfilling prophecy of embarrassment.

The day of American Thanksgiving, Jack walked into the bakery after two weeks out on a roadie. He almost didn’t expect to see Eric, because he figured he’d be spending that holiday down in Georgia. But there Eric was, twiddling his fingers in an bakery unusually empty of customers.

“Good morning! How can I help you?” He smiled at Jack, and Jack knew it was a good idea to come here immediately after a roadie. Eric made him feel warm and stable, and like he’d come home. 

“Coffee and a ham and egg sandwich please,” Jack said. He waited for Eric’s usual barrage of words. Maybe he’ll tell him why the bakery was so empty, or why he wasn’t home for Thanksgiving.

The words didn’t come. Eric stayed quiet the whole time, except for a perfunctory “Enjoy your meal!” when he handed Jack his order.

Maybe it was an off day, Jack mused, as he tried to catch Eric from the corner of his eye.

But it wasn’t just one off day. Eric stopped asking him how his days went, and stopped rambling at him about how his own day went and what kind of new recipe he was looking at. Jack noticed that Eric was speaking like normal to the other regulars, but he himself only had the standard customer service “Good day!” and “Enjoy your meal!” He still smiled at Jack genuinely, but the rest was. Short. Did he catch on to how terrible Jack was being? Did Jack say something wrong?

Well.

Jack remembered all the things he had said to Eric.

“This is too sweet.” When he tried to chirp him about a sweet tooth.

“I only listen to John Mayer and that’s it. Who’s Beyoncé?" When he tried to say something about music.

“You shouldn’t ask a professional athlete to eat so many empty calories.” When he tried to joke about his cheat day.

Okay then.

He said a lot of things wrong.

It was okay, since Jack only went to Bitty’s Bites because Eric was a soothing presence and their coffee was amazing. Eric doesn’t need to be talking to Jack. Eric can talk to other people and Jack can listen in like a creep and think about how good he looks in that apron and bask in his presence indirectly.

Jack groaned and let his head fall against his steering wheel. He glanced at the coffee in his cup holder and the empty sandwich wrapper.

Pull yourself together.

[couldbeyourlife]

that’s a party platter it serves 12 people

avengers done been assembled spoilers below the cut ramble ramble garble garble hyperbole and capslock 

Caveats(?) as it were? My reactions are my own and not a judgment of anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, or reactions. There are like, many paths to the rainbow, dude. It ain’t that deep here for the most part. In this movie especially, there were a lot of moments where my feelings can be summed up with:

Also, Steve and Natasha are my babies my faves I love them most and best. 

Overall, liked MUCH MUCH better than IW. IW focused way the hell too much on people IDGAF about. This one was about the OGs and people I care about so I am here. for. that. 

Has me thinking reallllllly how much of all of this is about getting that Moment On Screen. The “avengers assemble” or steve with the hammer or w/e. Things as “fans” we all have these images of in our imaginations or have seen on page and grown to see as iconic. And really, so very much of all of the Avengers movies mostly seem to be plots strung along to get to those moments? Which, I mean is it what it is. That’s what comic book team up Event Books are about. We’re getting an 18 months crossover event stuffed into a couple of hours BASICALLY. This movie, even more than the others, felt most like a comic book. 

I yelled “fuck you” at least twice at the screen to Tony in the first 20 minutes. The entire thing between him and Steve after Tony gets back was so very not a good look. 

I mean Tony was worse and then better and god as a character he is just so much better in HIS OWN MOVIES. JESUS GOD. Let me stop at IM3 and sing Adele at that. I mean, he’s dead now which works for his arc within the avengers movies. I’m glad he got to form a baby? Ugh. I still find the Iron Man --> Spidey thing odd in the MCU since Spidey is the og really here, y’all. IDK MAN. 

“HEY QUEENS” MY HEART IT HURTS.

All of Steve and Natasha’s interactions made me clap with JOY. It made me want so much MORE of team Cap’s initial time on the run and then afterward with the two of them. UGH. The fact that Natasha is what Steve is crying about in that crying scene from the trailer? JUST LEAVE ME IN THE ROAD TO DIE OKAY.

Which gets to, I am super very glad I both waited and was spoiled. There were a lot of things I would have been less down with if it had been a LE TWIST! if I didn’t know. Such as the failed mission to kill thanos. Also, if Natasha’s death had been unspoiled for me I probably would have gotten the fuck up and walked out the theater yelling OH FUCK ALL Y’ALL.

SAME BUT DIFFERENT FOR LEBOWSKI THOR. EVEN KNOWING IT WAS COMING I WAS STILL BASICALLY THE THIRSTIEST FUCKING BITCH IN THE UNIVERSE WHEN HE WAS REVEALED AND EVERY FUCKING MOMENT AFTER THAT ESPECIALLY WHEN HE SUITED THE FUCK UP. Had I not been prepared I probably would have thrown my bra at the screen. I mean y’all my fucking husband for life is jack black i gots a type. my eyes are just rolling back in my head w/e w/e w/e I’ll get to Thor more later I just gotta thirst all over this god damn page because UGHa;ldafdaadf9df;/ ; I KNOW WHAT I’M ABOUT, SON.

if you aren’t here for wanting ten million pages of lebowski thor and bearded cap fucking then idek 

Speaking of the porn. The following are things I want: Five year gap Steve/Natasha, Natasha/Carol, STEVE/NATASHA/CAROL, Thor/Valkyrie, Carol/Valkyrie, Carol/Thor/Valkyrie (GOD BLESS YOU, TESSA AND BRIE)

CAROL DANVER’S SHEER DEEP POWERFUL LESBIAN POWER AND ENERGY MADE ME SWOON EVERY TIME SHE WAS ON SCREEN. I loved her interactions with everyone of course. Her eye roll at Rhodey at the start was grate. Enjoyed what interactions we had of her and Steve A LOT. I clapped when he radioed to Danvers during the big scene. 

SCOTT LANG BEST AVENGER OR MOST BEST AVENGER Y/MFY/CAP’S ASS IS THE BEST ASS SIR ROGERS CAPTAIN SIR???!!! 

Really, Scott is and was the best and I just loved him so much. Definately one of the characters that can keep me engaged with the MCU going forward (see also: Carol and T’Challa)

I have so many frustrated and angry feelings about Natasha’s death. I get what people are saying about her and full circle etc. But I think that’s all bullshit really. It is a narrative choice to make that her arc? Like, her entire thing was she had things to make up and redeem herself for. Tony’s entire thing was that he was a selfish dick that learned to be unselfish. Natasha didn’t have a self-sacrifice problem. SHE WAS RAISED TO BE A GOD DAMN WEAPON. SHE’S A SURVIVOR because that’s what a weapon does and there is a huge difference in that.  I get they needed to rid themselves of several of the OG Avengers so Dead Tony, Time Jump Steve, and Natasha being dead? I just. I’m too tired to get into hardcore, but I am mad. I will be mad and I will stay mad. Like, I get why they did it, but the writers MADE THAT CHOICE and so I am perma fucking pressed about it. 

I honestly dgaf about the GotG and anything related to them and any moment with any of those characters, other than the Rabbit and Thor together, was basically dead airspace. I just DON’T FUCKING CARE. So every minute with them was wasted except for Thor. Oh THOR. Honestly, talk about a dude that started at the bottom for me and now we at the top. (THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING GET, TONY STARK FOR BEINGdl;af). Ahem. I feel like Thor’s arc made sense to me? Like he gets to go be the sort of person he’s always wanted to be who he is inside which is PROBABLY a well meaning and heroic semi-frat boy who wants to play with his Rabbit friend and have adventures and drink beer? His entire thing has been about how much he was or wasn’t able to be a good person v. a good king etc and idk IT WORKED FOR ME and he had one of the better OG endings imo. Also, like THOR HAS SEEN SOME SHIT? SOME REAL ASS SHIT THAT HE GETS TO HAVE SOME FUCKING FEELINGS ABOUT? AND REAL ASS SHIT THAT HIS LIFE UP UNTIL SHIT GOT REAL DID NOT PREPARE HIM FOR AT ALL?  Like, I made a C on a paper in grad school and drank an entire bottle of champagne and fell off a chair. I GET IT. (I get a lot of this in the meta context comes from Hemsworth being fucking miserable with what they were doing with Thor because it SUCKED and people realizing that he’s fucking HILARIOUS and rolling with that). Also, a lot of the upset people seem to be really attached to Loki and liek w/e, but who hurt you? 

Speaking of OGs. The entire Bruce/Hulk thing was weird. I get they were real into what they could do special effects wise but... idk man. I wasn’t here for it?

No one cares about Hawkeye. I mean I know there are people that say that but like. Him?

ON YOUR LEFT, CAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU DON’T LOVE SAM WILSON AND SHIP HIM AND STEVE IDK WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WHAT YOUR PRIORITIES ARE? 

SAM WILSON CAPTAIN AMERICA IS ALL I HAVE WANTED AND NEEDED OTHER THAN THE OTHER THINGS I HAVE ALSO WANTED AND NEEDED.

Which gets us to the last two and biggest two things: Steve and MCU’s entire time travel theory? They even SAY the BttF time travel theory and hint at the multiverse/DC theory of time travel. They seem to be hitting to something closer to the Umbrella Academy where what is going to happen is going to happen except?????????? HOW IT DOESN’T but it also can split into other realities but only because of the stones or? (This is also where the entire event book crossover Big Bad is always annoying because a) everything bad ends up being about that and b) there is way the hell too much bg mythology to care about. Hydra - Nazis MAKES SENSE! Evil Grimace abuses his daughters for fun and profit and wants to make the universe great again but thinks LotR didn’t go far enough with the jewelry thing???) AHEM. I mean, I got to a point where I was like, “this is the most 2019 movie because evil is inevitable because Hope is a Lie and Evil Always wins UNLESS YOU CAN BEND TIME TO YOUR WILL except nope not even that HA HA”  So, I can’t really lockdown the internal logic completely on the MCU theory of time travel. It is sort of making sense until we get to Steve’s ending? 

SO. 

I have no dislike of this. It is cute. It is fine. It is what Steve deserved. Hell, it is what Peggy deserved. There are other ways it could have went and I would have been down with that too? I’ve been prepared for Steve to die for like 4 years now so you know, this is fine. It removes Cap from the action equation so CEvans like ScarJo and RDJ can be free. I think, if you’re inclined that way there are a ton of character questions you can ask there? Things to pick at and find interesting. I enjoyed Steve’s entire thing this movie immensely (his interactions with 2012 self were great. Him using Bucky against himself I thought was amazing). But here is where I start questioning the time logic which can be summarized with:

WHAT ABOUT POPSICLE STEVE?

Is there a Steve floating out in the ocean still to be found in 2011? There would need to be a Cap from 2011-2019 to put other people in place. You don’t have Sam and Bucky (for example) where they are at UNLESS THERE IS CAP AT THAT POINT??????? Which makes sense because there has to be a Steve to go back to Peggy (AWWW MY HEART IT HURTS), SO does it reform the mobius strip of the timeline to where Steve was ALWAYS in the past with Peggy (but on the downlow???????? WAS HE JUST TOTES NOT STEVE CARTER HUSBAND OF PEGGY CARTER and IDK taught P.E. in Brooklyn???) and so it basically reforms itself to where what was happened always happened but it MEANS that popsicle Steve and Steve from the future that is now in the past exist at the same time and THEN STEVE HAS TO NOT MAKE OUT IN HIS UNDERWEAR WITH HIS OWN MOM????? Or? Like, Hulk even says that when you mess with time, time messes back what are the consequences? Are there? At some point wouldn’t THAT cause some sort of weird paradox? I realize I’m asking SRS questions about fictional time travel so really who is the broken weirdo here me or Marvel (MARVEL OBVIOUSLY?). I’ve read a lot of theories on this and explanations, but none of which really satisfy me. 

and REALLY isn’t that the most comic book thing of it all? The points don’t count and the rules don’t matter. I mean that in the best way possible, really. Fine, it was a yellow bug in Hal Jordan’s brain all along. Oh okay, Barry Allen’s grandson from the future? SURE WHATEVER. I eagerly look forward to ten years from now some fucking fetus getting cast as a new Captain America and being able to yell at whippersnappers how the only REAL CAPTAIN AMERICA IS CHRIS EVANS I HAVE BEEN THIRSTING CORRECTLY SINCE 2009 YOU PUNK ASS LITTLE BITCHES.