#Also polyam people DEFINITELY do get jealous too lol

[hajihiko]

I don't know if I'm really poly or if I just don't get. jealous. is that a thing?

Think that's sth you gotta answer for yourself mate, there's lot of overlap in the polyam-aro-ace-and-more circles.

[polyamorousmood]

im in a long distance poly relationship with two partners- one of which being a newer relationship. me and my other partner have been open about polyamory from the start, but theyre slow to warm up to people so me getting in another relationship was out first step into that. my new partner is also poly, and has a close friend that he's participated in some 3somes with, as well as just friend sex together. i already told him i was fine for he and this friend to continue that, and i still feel fine with that. they had that dynamic before we started dating, and i trust this other guy will take care of him, which is all that was important to me about it.

recently, that friend and a girl hes seeing visited my partner, and it became pretty obvious to me that hes attracted to this girl. at the time when he was telling me about this, i was PMS-ing hard core, and definitely started feeling anxious and jealous over this. it is my first polyam relationship, and as i said before, my older partner hasnt shown interest in anyone else yet.

i was asked how i felt about the flirting he was doing with this girl, and i gave my boundaries, and opened up about some of my nerves. he was very sweet about it (i love him), and didnt cross any of the lines i had set. im not worried about him doing that. however, i think my feelings of hormonal jealousy and sadness might have created a worry for him that im not okay with what he does with other people- i think this due to something he said the other night when i was upset for a different reason (still hormonal).

do you have any advice for ways i can try to ease his worries about my comfort with our relationship? to clarify, what i want to convey is that im alright with him continuing this friend sex, and i dont mind the new flirting and cuddling he does with this other girl. i dont think i would be comfortable with him having sex with her until i met her though, if that is something he wants. there is currently talk between us right now already of making a group chat so i can meet the girl and his friend, he said they both really want to meet me too.

i hope this is coherent lol its been a crazy few days with my emotions being everywhere and mood swings being crazy.

Hi there. 👋

do you have any advice for ways i can try to ease his worries about my comfort with our relationship?

What's wrong with just telling him?❓❓ Like, "I think my feelings of hormonal jealousy and sadness might have created a worry for [you] that im not okay with what [you do] with other people [and I just wanted to reassure you that] im alright with [you] continuing this friend sex, and i dont mind the new flirting and cuddling [you do] with this other girl" seems like a great start. You're really overthinking this. You Can Just Say The Things You Feel.

And I already think your wording was pretty good👍: names your feelings, explains why you're clarifying, let's him know what future conditions might cause this thing that's not a problem to seem like a problem again, reassures him, etc.

Like you should also back it up by, for example, Being Chill😎 when you meet the new girl. But this is for real a case where the shortest route between two points is s straight line. just say it, lol. 😂

[gneissmica]

Ok, so, I almost never post anymore, barely spend time on Tumblr at all actually, but I'm SO EXCITED and I don't really have anyone I get to just babble happily to right now but it needs to escape somewhere so, screaming into the void it is.

My husband and I have been together for almost a decade, married 6 years. Nonmonogamous in theory but not often in practice, because we had a kid right after getting married and between work and parenting didn't have enough energy left over for each other, let alone anyone else.

When we finally started getting back into the swing of things, it was rough. Had to relearn the communication skills necessary for polyamory, and because I have trauma from a prior abusive relationship it was difficult. I have a habit of being overly cautious of other people's emotions, and afraid of causing them to have negative emotions.

Little over a year ago I had a fling with a friend of ours. My husband got jealous, and asked if I'd be willing to slow things down while he got the hang of processing his jealousy. I agreed (easy enough, it was a long-distance thing with someone I briefly got to visit on vacation. so really it would have slowed down anyways). But with the distance, it fizzled, and I didn't have anyone nearby that I was interested in. Part of the issue, I thought, was that the person I had the fling with was a mutual friend. I also, through this time, am kinda low-key crushing on another friend from half the country away, but I don't pursue it.

Months pass, covid hits. We move nearer our friends - 3 hours drive away instead of a 6 hour plane ride. I'm still crushing on that friend, still not pursuing it, nervous about how to bring up the subject, to reaffirm that we're still polyam, to discuss boundaries and expectations. So I don't bring it up. I keep telling myself 'soon', keep choking, because with all the stress, the move, the isolation, the living conditions, I can't muster up the courage.

Then my husband tells me about a woman he's interested in. I tell him he should go for it. He falls hard. He's like a teenager, giddy infatuated and it's ADORABLE. And I'm thinking, I should bring it up now. But my mind makes small risks seem terrifying, and I delay just a few days.

The day I decide I'm ready to discuss whether he can cope with me having relationship with someone he's good friends with, we're snuggling in bed. I open my mouth to speak. He speaks first. "So, anyone you're interested in?" I turn bright red, and squeak out, "I've been crushing on K." Without a moment's hesitation, he answers, "Oh, that's good! You should go for it!"

One conversation down, one to go. Because while there's been what might pass for mild flirting, I've been doing my best not to let on. Cuz I don't want to make the friendship go weird, if it's not reciprocated.

That day was a hard fucking day. That conversation was the only party of it that hadn't sucked completely. That night I'm on Zoom with a friend, C, and we're chatting, I'm telling him about my very rough day, and he says "I want you to tell me one good thing that happened today." And it's like a curse, if I'm asked a direct question, I give an honest answer. I can't not. So I turn bright red and tell him what J, my husband, asked, and that I told him who I had a crush on. C teases, in a good-natured way, and asks who, and I don't answer, so he starts listing names of our friends. "N?" "No." "D?" "God no." "K?" and I turn so red I can hear the blood rushing through my ears.

He totally ships it. He teases, a little, but also gives advice. Good advice.

J and I along with our daughter have plans to visit our friends 3 hours away over the weekend. I decide I'll broach the subject with K then, in person, when we have a chance to be alone.

We don't have a chance to be alone. We hug, like friends (maybe a little closer and definitely a little longer), lean on each other, sit close. But everyone wise is always there. Finally, 10 minutes alone, and I

Fucking

Freeze.

I can't get words out. I'm a shy, nervous teenager again.

He goes home, J and I crash at D's house, and the next day we go to K's house. Again, no moments alone. I start thinking, just ask him to go talk privately. The words don't come out. I message C. Tell him I'm a wimpy coward. He tells me 'write him a do you like me check yes or no note' I send him a grumpy gif. And I type out a message in notepad. Edit, revise, copy it to messenger. And sit there, so glad my mask covers my blush, for a full minute before hitting send.

"So I get super nervous about stuff like this (which is really fucking embarrassing by the way) but I know I'd regret it if I didn't say something. And I can't seem to get the words out verbally but I've been interested in you for awhile, not sure if it's reciprocated but if so I'd like to see where things lead. If not, no big, not gonna make it weird."

And he doesn't check his phone. I wait. Then tell him, K, check your phone. The message didn't go through. He needs to reset his router. He does that, all the whole I'm sitting there with my hands shaking and my heart thundering in my ears, and then

"100% yes lol I've been looking for the way to bring it up for awhile now, but also nerves 😵"

I've been all smiles ever since. I'm so excited. I'm giddy and nervous and definitely frustrated because I waited so long and after that, still didn't get a chance to be alone with him for so much as a second until we had to leave.

But those a bit too long to be just friends hugs I had gotten earlier? They didn't have nothing on the one I got at the end of the night.

[fatphobiabusters]

I was just wondering if you guys had any advice on coming out as polygamous or anything. The tumlbrs I have already asked so say they haven't come out yet. So it's hard to find advice for it. Since this type of relationships aren't accepted that 1/2

well. I’m scared my family and friends in real life will judge me, and think I’m cheating as well as that I’m just needy. I am very concerned about this as I’m just considering never coming out about it.But there are also cons with that too. 2/2

Honey, you sound exactly like every single polyamorous person I have ever spoken to, because this is how we all feel. Even when you come out to one person, you never stop coming out, you know? And it’s hard and risky, and the truth is you’re right; lot’s of people don’t understand or accept it.

Coming out is a process. You need to kind of gage the situation and tread carefully. You can’t just blurt it out and you definitely have to wait for the right time to do it. And being able to tell the right time is really hard.

For me, I had to ease my mom into it. By that time,, she has already went through, “Mom, I’m bi,” and later an “Actually Mom, I’m pan.” So by that time, she was starting to open up and understand that I’m not exactly what she expected me to be when I was born. The “Mom, I’m nonbinary” conversation happened after I told her I’m polyamorous, and so she was a lot quicker to accept that even though she didn’t understand it because at that point, she knew I was really different. I bet she waits for me to come out as something else all the time. Lol.

So, easing her in. What I did was start with really casually mentioning that I knew people who were polyamorous. I explained to her what that was, and because she watches Sister Wives, connected it to that (even though polygamy isn’t the same thing as polyamory). I asked her what she thought about it and let her know the couple I was talking about was super happy. She had a lot of questions, but I talked them out with her and just answered whatever she asked. But I didn’t mention me or my own interest in multiple relationships.

After that, I would casually bring up the couple again, or other couples I knew who were polyam. I’d talk about them pretty casually and not super often so there was no reason to be suspicious.

Eventually, I would bring up how I thought so and so was so cute and when Mom was like “But you have a boyfriend,” I’d say, “Well yeah, but I can still think others are cute, right? It’s not like I’d do anything with another person without my boyfriend’s knowledge and consent.” Which would prompt my mom to ask about threesomes and swinging, of course. So then I’d say, “Oh, believe me, I couldn’t actually do that. I just meant if I did, my boyfriend would know. That’s all.”

Then I’d eventually sit and watch her watch Sister Wives, and ask if she could ever have a relationship like that. To which she’d respond no, and explain she’d be too jealous. I’d tell her I think I could do it, but only if I got to have multiple partners too. Otherwise I don’t think it’s fair (unless that’s how the couple wants it to be). She’d freak out of course, but then I’d kind of laugh it off and say that if my husband gets to have multiple wives, it only makes sense that I get multiple husbands. I’d make it seem like I’m joking and we laugh and she’d agree.

And then after a while of easing her into the idea, I just came out and told her I’m polyam. I sat her down, told her I wanted to tell her something, asked if she remembered the couple I mentioned, and then told her I’m polyam. I reminded her what the definition of that is and made the point that I wouldn’t ever go behind my partner’s back, that I would always be open and honest with my partner, etc. I pointed out that I don’t need to have tons of boyfriends; it’s just that I sometimes love more than one person and want the chance to be with both/all of those people. 

I helped her to understand it by reminding her that she loves multiple people too: she loves me, my cousins, my aunt and uncle, my grandma, etc. I said that’s how I feel, but I can also love more than one person at a time as a boyfriend/girlfriend/enbyfriend. I told her of this time in junior high when I had 14 crushes all at one time, and then promised her I’d probably limit myself to 3 or 4 partners at a time, because I probably couldn’t handle more. I reminded her I’d probably only have 1 anyway because getting people on board with the polyam thing would be hard, and that made her feel better.

Then later when I was dating multiple people at a time, I’d tell her about it, tell her about the people, and remind her that they all knew and were all okay with it and that they were all buddies. That made her feel better.

It’s gotten a lot easier for her to understand. She’s known for maybe a year or two now, and she’s had a lot of time to digest it. 

Maybe with your family it won’t be as easy, and that’s understandable. I got lucky with my mom.

I sure as hell could never tell my dad.

Maybe Oka and Guillermo can share their stories too. Would that help?

- Mod Bella