#Also wtf who banged Palpatine

[crackinwise]

my reasons for mara? idk i never really bought this character's presence in the franchise and her redemption arc didn't seem well thought out. hard to sympathize with a lady who complained about losing her status and privileges as an assassin (with bonus vacation time granted by palpatine) for a fascist regime. would have much rather had her struggle with internal conflict and leave the empire before palpatine died. and i agree, she didn't commit to jedi training for years and already rose quickly to become jedi master after marrying luke. also the fact that people still bring her existence in the eu up to shoot down people's headcanons of luke being gay, ace or attracted to woc. "but what about his fiery redhead wife?" idk i'm so tired. lbr if disney ever adapts her, people won't shut up about the mcu black widow comparisons either. the concept of the character isn't all bad but the execution of it didn't really work for me.

and having anakin solo lust after her was so disgusting. oh yeah, mara is apparently so perfect and hot that even her own nephew wants to bang her. wtf was wrong with these writers? meanwhile leia's aging looks are brought up negatively in comparison. and jaina disrespecting her mother in favor of her cooler aunt mara. unpopular opinion, i know but i don't really care that she's no longer canon. there were other female characters from the eu that i thought were genuinely interesting should have been brought into the new canon if disney writers weren't cowards.

Absolutely, 100% vital critique right there. It fuels me. Yeah, her being fully in-step with Palpatine already made it difficult to have sympathy for her. Even if she was manipulated over most her life like Vader was, I don't recall the work being put in to have her struggle to unlearn it. Like, Vader's break took years after meeting Luke, and even then it was a life or death situation to force him to take any action. Mara's "redemption" had nothing close to that.

Damn, either I didn't keep up enough to know or I blocked out Leia's kids being into Mara too. I'm gonna dry heave. Was that still Zahn writing those things or different authors? I followed Jacen & Jaina into the Young Jedi Knights books by someone else and Mara was absolutely nowhere.

It did feel like every fan of hers made her lack of characterization a Black Hole for their specific trope fetishes instead of utilizing her for any story. (Not that any author treated Anakin Solo like a normal gd character too.) So even fans use her as a tool against other fans to battle interpretations they're uncomfortable with. Add on Leia going from sex symbol to old crone in geek men's minds, and this whole discussion could be about the bigger sexism issue that makes any woman sci-fi fan live with ulcers.

[finalfantasyx]

Just finished watching TROS and I AM NOT OKAY

[simplysummers]

Hannah and Bea watch Star Wars

A few weeks ago, my bestie @floatyteabag (Hannah) and I (Bea) watched Star Wars: Attack of the Clones together. I, being a lifelong Star Wars nerd and a lover of all things Obi-Wan, somehow managed to rope this awesome human into watching the second sequel with me, keeping in mind she had never seen them before.

This is some of our live commentary, lacking in any context, which I felt needed to be shared with you all. I’m also leaving absolutely no indication as to who said what, to make it even funnier.

“FUCKING HELL WTF THEY BLEW UP ALREADY”

“R2 rolling about, he don’t give a fuck.”

“The face of a man who was WRONG.”

“Imagine R2 but as a hoover/vacuum. Perfection”

“‘He wouldn’t assassinate anyone’ 0-0 bro anyone named Count Dooku ain’t a good bro, bro”

“I don’t trust this man.” “I won’t spoil anything but you really shouldn’t lmao.”

“Captain Tofu?”

“Ooo someone’s in trouble. It’s me, idk why I said that”

“It’s better than my croissant attempt.”

“‘She’s a politician and they’re not to be trusted’ THAT IS THE BEST QUOTE”

“Ew look at the centipedes”

“How is she asleep like that. I would’ve had cramp in my wrist after 5 minutes.”

“HE JUST YEETED HIMSELF OUT OF THE WINDOW.”

“Anakin is me driving.” “Obi-Wan is me in your passenger seat.”

“We’d be a menace to society but that’s their problem, not ours.”

“He fully skydived out of the car.”

“Obi-Wan is so chill. He’s just ‘>_> hate it when he does that’ like he’s done this before??? Aight”

“‘I want to go home and rethink my life’ same babes.”

“Omg Bea that is legit us, me being Anakin, the underage loser.”

“Bestie we ARE Anakin and Obi-Wan.”

“ITS BOBA FETT. No it’s not. YES IT IS. Hmmm.”

“Boba Fettacini.”

“Yoda floating around on the wii fit board.”

“Padme who let you lead a country.”

“WE ARE HANNAKIN AND OBEA-WAN.”

“Rocking up to space McDonalds” “I’d order a milkshake.”

“I stg if I become attached to this Cody dude.” “I’m VERY attached to the clones and it never ends well in Star Wars, so I’m dragging you down with me.”

“Look at the Pixar lamps!”

“He VIOLATED him for no reason!”

“PADME YOU DID NOT JUST SHOOT HIM DOWN WITH NO DEFENCE.”

“All I see are some cotton earbuds”

“So there’s like 50 clones of the same person running around?” “…..much more than 50.”

“Anakin, many things are smooth on that planet and you are NOT one of them.”

“Padme was over it before it had even begun.”

“Absolute kings. They deserve their own show….wait they have their own show….they deserve MORE Then.”

“🎵 the hiiiiiiilllss are aliiiiiiiive 🎵”

“Anakin’s a communist confirmed-“

“OH MY HOLY ITS THE MEME.”

“Yes. Step on Anakin”

“Calm down Harry Potter with your floating Pear.”

“Anakin thinks he’s Shakespeare.”

“An extract from The Prelude: by Anakin Skywalker 🌺”

“I want a jet pack.”

“Ohh kick him!”

“Love how Boba, who is like ten, is just *shooty mcshooty*”

“‘Oh not good’ BABES LET GO”

“Hmmm yes ship is flying away *activates glowstick*” “it’s for the aesthetic.”

“Hey Ani, uh I kinda sold your Mom to some rando but hey we’re still cool right??”

“Boba: hehehehehe 😄”

“‘Get him dad, get him, FIRE’ this isn’t CALL OF DUTY, BOBA.”

“Mothman wannabe.”

“Obi-Wan: I’m an international…superspy. SUPERSPYYYYYY.”

“Why is Tom Jones there?”

“she can’t die! I’m actually crying…..never mind I started laughing at Anakin’s face.”

“Lmao I love how Obi-Wan was talking for a straight minute and R2 was like ‘I’m busy sir, the audacity.’”

“‘It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault!’ Babes Obi-Wan isnt with you.” “Anakin take a chill pill!”

“‘R2 what are you doing here’ that’s fucking rude. Let him be.”

“Poor Jar Jar he just wants to make friends.”

“Don’t speak of Qui-Gon you HOE.”

“Count Dooku, turning on his voice chair: I want you on my team, Obi-Wan.”

“Parliament would be so much better if they floated in those pods.”

“Padme: maybe I can find a diplomatic solution to this.’ Anakin: *grabs glowstick*”

“‘Obtuse’ 3PO HOW DARE YOU.”

“Someone put Padme on total wipeout.”

“‘I want to go home’ ‘what did I do to deserve this’ 3PO is too relatable.”

“Padme chose the wrong day to wear white.”

“‘Obi-Wan’s gonna kill me’ priorities dude”

“‘Good job’ sass king.”

“Obi-Wan- the king of puns.”

“How is Padme not crying.” “Legit. I bang my hip on the bed frame and it’s like almost waterworks.”

“Ahhhhh my kings they are coming.”

“Oooo a purple wand.”

“Jango doing the spiny gun thing. Show off.”

“I know he did NOT just decapitate jango.” “And his son was just 0-0 off to the side.”

“‘I am beside myself.’ I WISH I WAS THIS QUICK.”

“I care too much about the clones I swear to god.”

“I WANT TO BE IN THE POD WITH THE GUN.” “YOU IN THE GUNNERS NEST WOULD BE FERAL.”

“Ooooo hamster wheels.”

“‘PAHDMAHY’”

“Anakin you pleb.”

“If he has a red glowstick you know he’s a bad guy.”

“That clone just wanted an excuse to go home”

“He just straight up lost an arm. Hope he’s not right handed.”

“Bet Yoda’s glowstick is green……BAM.”

“THE CLONE WARS HAS BEGUN BABBYYYYYY.”

“PALPATINE NEEDS TO DO A BETTER JOB AT HIDING HIS CHIN.”

“‘Without the clones it wouldn’t have been a victory’ too fucking right. My boys deserve recognition.”

“The clones carried this.” “The clones carry everything these losers do.”

“MARRIAGE?!????”

“It’s like a Vegas wedding. ✨ spontaneous ✨”

This was genuinely the most fun I’ve had watching a Star Wars movie with anyone. Han’ is hilarious and together we destroyed the movie while ironically loving it. We’ve watched ROTS, up next is Solo. And I actually cannot wait for that trainwreck.

[padawanlost]

What do you think of the Zygerrian Queen? In some way, she was creepy as Palpatine. I saw some people say that she was nice with Anakin....wtf? She just wanted to bang and enslave him...

I hate her! She is interesting to analyze but a terrible, awful person. Yes, she is abusive and every single interaction she has with Anakin makes my skin crawl. And the worst part is knowing the writers tried to pass sexual harassment as romance. I’m aware some fans try to romanticize the situation but i’m lucky enough to hang out with people who are as disgusted as I am by Miraj Scintel and everything she represented. I mean, not only she is guilty of harassing and enslaving Anakin, she also:

Was the leader of an slave Empire;

Had no problem selling young girls to sexual predators;

Humiliated and degraded people on a daily basis;

Drove people to suicide;

Was completely dismissive of the pain she caused;

had no problem executing and torturing slaves;

was cruel, abusive and arrogant;

But, according to the writers, we are supposed to feel conflicted when she died by the hands of an evil man who was supposed to help her become more powerful so she could slave and torture more people. And all that because she supposedly had feelings for Anakin, the man she was trying to enslave and abuse -_____-

So, no, I don’t like her and I don’t like how the writers failed to convey the seriousness of the situation. I’m not saying they should’ve made it graphic, but they shouldn’t have treated the subject so lightly.

[throwingideasatthewall]

Star Wars   Episode 4;

    Destroy malevolence

Didn’t we just do that?

I’m assuming this is going to be focusing on the     aftermath of the        destruction       of  the        malevolence

And the preceding unraveling of       general grievous’s      net work

 [And several        acquaintances         probably          trying           to    break    him  out,]

Anyway...

On with          It!

       Quote;

  “A Plan is only as good         as those          who see it out,”

   Odd                 I’ve      Stopped      giving much stock        into the    quotes

 Consider ing     the last one     had a relatively good      one

 And     Is on the    lower     end    of     my     expectations

 My criticism       of this       Is a       Short    Plans can be good         But   People flawed

  The   narrator   sounds     a    bit    more   enthusiastic

 Weirdly      drawn     out      pause

But      it   does     get     the      point   across

 Allows   enough     time

“ Grievous          in       retreat,”              Honestly           Is        this       where       we’re      going        to       start

    Like       no      disrespect-         (I have the       patience)    But are we honestly going to spend the whole entire time watching Obi-Wan fuck up catching Grievous?

 That would work       with the theme         of       Jedi Masters

They make it seem a lot less   stupid

[Recap

 Also        I really like the movement on the     ship

Much     more     real istic 

       Continuing to          Hold on it       not so much

  This is like         someone     continuously          kicking        someone         when they’re         already         down

Or like a fire

 After a while      it just gets sort of    boring

 Or worrying

 And you realize they could  just     take them   into custody

 Or that the fire is starting to     envelope   nearby    forest     With       everyone      having         a bucket of     water

Obi wan, why

 Do     you   torment    so?

He can’t even   die

If so;      He’d     be dead

 I love how       Plo Koon       and       him       are          just    watching      the      shit     show      like            “Bitch”

   You know they could both take         him

  But are just that dedicated to being   sandry old man

“Commander, how much damage to the      enemy ship?”

 Have they suffered    enough?

  Also, geez dude’s been demoted it to       commander

    I mean I know he’s just       Comms Guy              But geez.         (He probably       deserved it)

Oh no,        Random     dude          On          The       ground

    Why?

 “ She’s lost primary       shields and stabilizers,”

   So shooting at it is doing      minimal damage

             “ It can take all the fire               our cannons                  can manage,”

           Okay,                    time to get you two                down there

           “ we must     summon            reinforcements,”

     Plo is slowly becoming that we          “need reinforcements”            guy

      Like          he can’t do anything           by himself

       (Except           for last           episode)

     “ That’s why          I’m here        Master Plo,”

  That’s not the right       tone

   And.....          I was kind of hoping we’d get a        Master Plo and        Obi-Wan episode

   This time       around

   Never mind the fact that         Anakin can’t take on grievous

   “ what are you able to contact              Master               (Liam Niara)                   (That’s how voice text spells it)                (I have no idea)

        “ Yes, master,”

       That’s better

    “She’s busy with a bunch of separatist         reinforcement’s nearby,”

   Bit too much     eye movement       but otherwise      good

  “ she won’t       be able to give us support till she’s turn        ing them away,”

Meanwhile         you’ve already pretty much      kill ed         him

    Guess            just         play        poker?

   Then        we’ll  have to do with what we have

   Oh now with the teenager around you’re so brave

  How’s        that going to help?

Burning

On fire

Really, no   mercy

Poor     droid     jerking   around

Ex     ploding

Perfect balance of kar       mic   pay       back

“We’ve      lost      our    primary       weapon,”

  Shit     just     continues    to                get       worse      and      worse

General     grievous      is        just              there        with his hands       in his head

Not        looking       too    great

“ The hyper drive is dis   -abled,”

It’s been disabled since last episode but good     repeating

Good      to         re-iterate

“Argh,”

“ General       general,”

   The     forward   engines        are     shutting     down

“ im   poss     ible,”

Dude,     look         around

That’s   pretty        -         heavy         denial

You     should     just     sur       -render

More Sho              -oting

 This        is       going         to         be        a         sl   -ow       ep      i      sode

Ahsoka       Managing       systems

   A not    bad role       for her

 Certain-

“ Admiral            Status-        Re        port,”

    Shit’s         fucked        once        again

    They’re           hyperdrive         must        be       damaged

    What          you         didn’t         figure          out           the           first          time          will        Obi          won         must’ve         checked

   Compulsively             For the         170th time           in the last           hour

     “This            our          chance”

It wasn’t a few seconds ago?

     “all         ships        target       the      bridge     maximum         fire        power,”

   Dude,        what       do       you      think      that’ll        do

 Grievous         is      made          out        of      pure        titanium

   It’s       like..          a      slightly         long       fall           for      him..

 Generals..     really     don’t    wanna     deal     with   Grievous’s      shit     today

Episode is     22:40      Long       Left

 All     they’re     doing       is     shooting    at     him

Grievous     Called      Dooku

“Dad      I       crashed       the     car,”

Sustained     advanced   damage

 “ I know,”

Just     dead   panned

“ I have     arranged         a       trap,”

Oohh!     Interesting

  But     Also        completely        bullshit

   Guess       this            is           his       punishment

  Being       used        as        bait

  “To     give     you      an     advantage    over       the   Jedi,”

 “ I   assure   you,”

 Please       no

You’re not compound     your failure     this day,”

 Ah, there’s       the chewing out     I was looking for

 Perfect

Continue

 “ war       ship        to       fall,”

 Oh so it wasn’t going to be a - get them sent to prison- thing

 So     how are you planning to       unfuck                 the situation

Cause      this looks pretty bad

  They will never catch me or this ship

             Bless him               he’s trying

              The expression just says                 ‘I have no idea               how’

           Like              He            knows           what’s          expected            of          him          but         has         no          idea

    How?!

   Heading       towards          you         is          a        very      important      galactic        senat        or,”

   In the middle of a       war zone

Seriously       not        a     good       time      for         a   photo     op

 “ With      her         as        a      hostage,”

  “call       off       the      attack,”

  Ok no one is calling off an      attack this important      for        a   senator

  Nor     should      be    letting      her        get    captured         ....

 *Bowing    down*

*Assumed authority*

 Blue

 It   looks   remarkably    better     this     episode             👍     Also        of        course        it’s      Padme        Amidala     Couldn’t        be        any      of      the    4000     other    senators       we     know     nothing      about              

   Really           getting       into         the      love     triangle      stuff      right        away,           aren’t         we?

  Like       why   couldn’t      we     slow     burn        it

 (I   know    she    was       in    the   movie)     But

  I     wouldn’t         mind    “Are   you       sure   the     infor   mation      from     the     chan cellor     Palpatine       is   reliable?”

Fore     shadowing!

Good    job     authors       you       get      a   cookie

“ it was secretly given to him         by the leader of the     Bank-he Clan,        himself!”

 Okay        Amidala’s          tone      kinda      works

 Could      use       a       little       more   monotone     but      it   works

   I gave Anakin like      three   tries       so       I’m     not   gonna       be    too     harsh

There        is       still       time      for      the     minimal     improve      ment        it      needs

“ if they       leave     the   separatist     alliance     it     will    go     along      way       to   shortening   this   war,”

Er-     Okay      it   makes   sense   for     her   character

 She’s sup   posed      to be   around      the same       age      as   Anakin

“Beep,       Beep,”

 “ We’re     approaching       the     system       now,”

  “Oh     shit,”

Crud

 “ my   goodness,”

  Best      Droid

 “This        isn’t        right,”

   Then        Move!

   That’s          a       droid     warship

    “We’re          in         the       middle          of          a       battle!”

   Hey,        that’s          a        smart      character

   Hyper drive out of there

  “ we’re scanning         a small ship off         our bow,”

     Get out of        there   “ Good,”

 Yeah, how are you going to get     her?

 Seeing as how  like a million warships are belting     your bow?

  I know those must be like       raindrops to him

But     come on

Don’t      go    into    the    burn     -ing      wreckage

   And       towards      enemy        fire

 Then   again     she     was     probably    heading     towards      the     Jedi        ship

   So     (as       a   civilian)       that       makes          sense

   “Master          I’m        picking           up            a         signal          near           the         enemy        vessel,”

   Tone

    Enemy     reinforcements

   That’s-            A         Good          Call

Respectively

 “ it looks like-”

 “A Naboo ship”

  “Gunners        stand         day,”

     Hey      everyone’s     competent         today!

      (Not          that         there’s           anything         wrong          with          enablers           being           stupid)

       This          just           requires          more          brain       power

   “ what          in      Blazers        are       they      doing      out     here?”

   A valid     response

  But      weren’t       they         the       ones        that        pledged        transport        ships?

  Like      oh      yeah      stupid going out into a war zone

   But     not      completely      out of the question

 “ Ahsoka      contact         that ship,”

  Bit      too      much      energy

    But       still         resp        ect           able

     Literally          coming        from        fiery        hell

     Identify        yourself

  “Padme       what        are       you       doing      out     here,”

  Cringe

   That line sounds like boomer.        What boomers think high school      jocks sound like

   And we’re like  no

  “ I       was       sent      on         a    special    mission,”

  Good      job     Writers

  The        ‘Bang he         Klan        Wanted        to negotiate        a treaty

   Good      reason

   “Get       out        of      there,”

  Too        Force        ful

   Better        Idea;        Have     Obi-Wan         try         to         calmly      explain         the         situation            to           her

      Possibly       distracting          her for        general       grievous           to       kidnap

   “ Activate              the         tractor         beam,”

     Damn        we’re       going        back         to  old old sci        Fi- with tractor beams and       shit

     I was expecting like a hook and chain,     a harpoon

   Was not expecting   that

     That        made        me         laugh

   WTF

   Tell      them        some     nonsense        is        going         on!

   “i’m     afraid       it’s        much     worse      than      that,”    Gunners          Do        Something?!

   it’s a beam; it can be broken

  “ Padme what’s happening?”

  A go- decent response

   “ i’m         being         pulled         inside        the      droid      cruiser        by        a      tractor      beam,”

   Good     Commun        ication

  Whelp,        Done

   So       at      22: 40           Rest       of        the     episode         is   hostage     situ      ation?

Inter      es    ting

 Much      Better      Than         Just      Shooting        at        it       for        an      hour

    “I will not be made a separatist bargaining      chip,”

    Initiative

    Though           Less          Emo        -tion

    Should           be       recited        like       something       she       had        to      read        off        a   paper

Guessing I’m not Padme I’m Padme’s    handmaiden  thing only works     once

Continue       your    attack

 You     must   continue-

I hope     she get some   actual action

Nothing too intense       because she’s still a kid

But like a surprise attack on     General grievous

Destroy     this   monstrous   ship

That’s kind     of      like-

How-

I saw the next frame

Wtf-

WTF

  HIS FACE JUST-

CON-torts

    You are not Romeo and Juliet   movie

    You are two kids reinacting Romeo and Juliet              clumsy

   Get it right

  “Admiral,     order      our   ships     to   stop     firing,”

 No   one’s   gonna    stop     this

 No   one‘s   gonna   comment...

Okay....

Obi-Wan      And        Plo   Koon          are        just     gone

  Left      when      Anakin      started       acting    unchild like

   Never     mind      still       there

 Nothing   suspicious      *Rubs    beard*

 Whelp

   It     does      not     look       safe       out     there      my     lady

  Screw      with      the     tractor      beam      and       leave

  No      one    can     stop   you

Droid     Related

 “I      see     now   this   whole   thing   was     a   trap,”

The     Bang’he       Clan     Works      With           The-

    I       can’t     even     make     that         joke   because       the   bang’he      clan      are   working      with       the     separatists

  Good    writers       you       out     joked      me

“ we   walked    right    into     it,”

 Pressing     buttons       isn’t   going       to   help   lady

Sir  the     republic   cruisers     have     halted    their   attack

Bit   too   much   emotion      for     a     droid     but    it   works

“Jedi     are     so   predictable,”

  Hit       him       with          a      gun

   Get        the      repair       team      up     here

  “ i’m     going     down      to       the   main   hanger,”

The arm motion was a little weird...     for ‘I’m going down to the main     hanger’

 Street    Railways?

Are we   getting *tour    the inside of the    ship??

Nice

This     ship   must     be   returned      to   Count     Dooku     intact

Nice   little   interaction

Rail      ways

There’s     no   room     for   failure

Hard       Moral

One      on   fast   speed    ing   train

Moves       over       to   another   pad

   Don’t     think     that’s   gonna   help

“Come        on     I’ve   over       loaded     the   power     system,”

 THAT’S        actually      really      clever

   Good          job     whoever        gave         that        order

    General      grievous        goes          boom

    Fighter        door       opens

    Find            a       Fighter

    And        fly        out

   * Anakin        walks          away*

       You know this would be a good idea if Obi-Wan had ordered him to do so when feeling the emotion of ‘love’, miscommunicating the concept of love, and didn’t realize that’s what he was doing -  what clues him      in

“ where do you think you’re going,”

 “ someone’s got to save     her,”

    Still too much emotion

   “I thought you might say     that,”

     Did you give him that, did you give him an        order relevant to that?

     There he goes   again

     Yeah           Someone        should         really        check         up        on       that

     Or       get    Obi-Wan         to        lay off           the       suicidal      orders

  “Craving     adventures        and     excitement,”

     No,      orders

   “ You        get         used           to         it”

Could      be     just       a     response

  But     too     much    reaction        And      Person         ality

   Oh,          Shit’s        On          Fire

   “Come on 3PO hurry,”

     Flaming wreck lady

    “not sure this is such a good       idea,”

   Neither     is       being       held      captive

   You’re made of like solid gold

 Timing

  [also the announce in the background        like a train station - just cracks me up]

  Time to get blown up

   “ Mind the gap”

   “Mind the gap”

      Haha

     You        two       come       with       me

 Command

That droid’s-

 No, wait-         It’s Amidala

   And C3PO

  He’s trying to      help

   Looks       Inside

  Beeping

   Timer

   Look     like        the   engine-         Are           Set           To -

    Timing

   “Destroy          themselves,”

     He        really        needed        them         to        say           that

   Get      out       of      my     way

 “Ow,”          You        don’t      want          to       die

   That’s         just           rude

    So         is     death

   You    should       get       out        of        there

    He’s        going               to       come         back        around

   Geez

   Fire squad         is a train         wreck

    They’re          Trying

      Crud      if this gets back to      Skywalker          and        he      thinks       she’s      dead

  After        That     Speech

  Who knows what toxic morals of love         Obi-Wan taught him         could activate

  This could       become     a train      wreck

 Ahhh!

 It got      worse

Seriously       who made the droids that have to        with      stand       high    water pressure          Light weights

   Oof

  Even high water pressure        cannot kill him

  Even running away      cannot save him

 Wonder     what that attack       would’ve done

 Sound the alarm

 “We have stowaways,”

   Or...

   She was never on that   ship

   Seriously      no one besides the republic      saw her 

I’d go with “she isn’t on board,”

   Run

Back     to the        republic ships

   Who are doing       nothing         while grievous rebuilds

    Like,         The medical station is   right there

    You might want to get back       on moving     them

Just Saying

  “ i’ve trusted you already formulated a brilliant   plan to     rescue     the      Senator,”

 “ as a matter of fact     I have,”

 Umm,

Weird        How to     Code     that

“ what do you have a Plan B               Every     good plan has a back up,”

  Stop        forcing his    dependence on you

 “ I don’t   have a back up   yet,”

  Too     much    emotion

 Really

 Questioning

Not really   helping his   self-esteem

Really “ we’ll sneak behind them and dock at the emergency air     lock,”

   So I’m guessing this is going to set up     Padme     going       there

“ That’s       your        plan?”         Discouraging

“Fly     land,”

That’s literally what all maneuvers     rely on

Also     it       sounds       like   something     out      of       a     fairy     book

  Which        might        explain      Anakin      toxic      behavior

  “ Walk        in         the        door,”

 “Basically,”

    Too      much       emotion

  “Oh     Brilliant,”

  Dick

 Firey       Wreck

 “ Might I suggest we keep     moving?”

   Bit       Loud         There            It

   “ I think        I hear      battle droids   approaching,”

  Talking         is      not     helping

 “But      we also need to contact         the fleet,”

     Getting out is the prerogative

      They don’t know where you are

       And you can’t stay in a constant       location

       If I can just keep this        com panel working

     Ahhh!

Well     just      disappeared

 “The Damage to the hyper drive       was not as bad as        we first        thought,”

   How?!

  It’s been     damaged     for about    two episodes

 Also, Good for    Her

“ We’ll be able to get underway again shortly,”

  With this   mess of a ship

   Hyperdrive would send half of it flying

   It’s barely holding together by a      string

   You’re     screwed

 I must inform count     Dooku

 Seems     oddly    suspic.

Continue the search

 Find the     stowaway 

  How does    that change anything      in Amidala’s eyes

 Getting     to know the boss     isn’t worth it

Just be more careful

  Roger, roger

  Commander

 Intimidating

  *Spark*

  Oh        She       Was          In          A        Cabinet

   Thought         she       made           it        in

  C3PO        Looks      creepy       in      one     frame

   Shit’s        Constantly          on         fire

    “If they spot us        we’ll be pulverized,”

     With what guns??

     You’ve been doing all the hitting           this entire time

     They’ve been sitting         Geese

     “They’re            too           busy repairing the ship,”

       Thank you

       [also Obi-Wan              complainers rules]

       “ They             don’t                   have              time                to             notice              us,”

         Cocky

        Subtlety               has            never            been             one              of             your            strong             points             Anakin

Neither        Yours            Person           who           orders            him!

“ Everything       I     know       I      learned     from        you     master,”

  Point       Yes      Attitude?     No

   Oh       if      only      that      was      true

  Should            Be

   Might         be          a              side           jab              at           how           he          took          orders           from            the        Chancellor

     There          we          go

     Only      Obi-Wan        was          worried

  “Didn’t         You         Hear       It,”

    Your        circuits          are       loose

    Or       maybe       you’ve       lost       your   hearing

From        the   impact

 “ No      one’s        crazy      enough           to        do         that,”

    Cut

  “Anakin”

   Perfect

 “You’re        Crazy,”

   You   groomed      him      this      way

“ spinning           is          not       flying”

    “But          it’s          a      good      trick,”

   Too     much   emotion

   Do      not     want       to       be        spotted

   Good       job

   You’re      standing        more        in              the       doorway         than         he          is

    “I knew it it’s them,”

     That droid       is just having a day

      Aww              But his        friend came down           to check           with him

    That’s adorable

    Oh no

   They’re backing off       peacefully

 ASSHOLES!

Obi-wan     specifically

   You stay here           R2

  Again     why did you bring him

  Another        bold strategy by -

     Say Skywalker

     ‘Skywalker’

      Ordered

     “I presume,”

    No, Obi-Wan’s 

 When it’s not Palpatine’s

    “That’s my master”

           Children               don’t                show          preference                  for            handlers

      “ once they rescue the Senator we will need to reinforcement to finish off the enemy

    Sounds nonsense           but OK

          Dude             really              Likes         enforcement’s                 “ i’m on my way,”

       “Master Plo”

  “ We’re receiving a transmission,”

    Padme

Weird distance to start a conversation at

Running for some reason

 “ Master          we found the     senator,”

   Good

“ We’re patching       Her through,”

 Helpful...?

  What       is       it       with    Skywalker      and   becoming         a     Barking        over-   animated     Puppet      Every      time     senator       Amidala      gets     involved            ?

“Anakin       where       are       you,”

   Better;        where        are      your    coordinates

    “ On       lower      levels,”

   Better       but      where

   “I don’t          know,”

    Give a better location

     For how long

     Problem with this whole plan

      Give Landmarks

      Get to the     rendezvous point

     “Obi won and I are on board too,”

     Better; get to the ship on level ____ on your ___ side                 Optional; Closest landmark ____

             We’ll meet you   there

           What what are you doing?

           Not the best point to      argue

       Ahsoka, how can we get to the senator

     Better how can we both get to the escape pad?

    In case   we both get separated

    Taking longer to coordinate       that complicated-

    How long till they get separated?

    Center of the ship

Half way between the two of you

 Neither      Ahsoka gave neither

   Bad instructions

“ we’re on our way

    To a very unspecified point on not   specified level at a not specified   time

Let     the hijinks   commence

 “ Did                    you hear that                                    Padme?”

You’re on the same com

 “ i’ll be there,”

   Some-how

The question    to my answer was       22:40

  When do the Hijinks begin?

   Let’s             See

Marching      Intimidated 

  “we just detected        An unauthorized communication          Coming from within the        ship,”

    Shouldn’t he be making a phone      call?

  “ what did it           say?”

  Interesting

Well      we don’t know

 That’s how encoding works

 We didn’t catch it in   time

 Off

 Droid     winces

Monitor     all internal     communications

Like they’ll do it again

I want   that senator    on this bridge

Good   luck with that

You haven’t   even   saw her

Rail-ways

Nice

Busy

Should be a cakewalk

Is Not a cakewalk

All the way up there

“I do not see her,”

 Yeah, that’s the problem-

 She’s here master

I sent it

Or you got the wrong port

(So you heard her voice     so she’s clearly somewhere on this ship)

 He’s probably late again

But we do have company of another sort

Oh        She has a gun

  And somehow none of that hits     her

   And of course that gets the attention

    I’m honestly glad they didn’t go with miscommunication          Causes        fake stand up         scenario

      Even if this is         faux       Romeo and Juliet

     Good job

    Lots of       jumping

    Look     Jedi

    Good job         nice guy

    No wait         That one       guy had     common sense

   “I knew that was a bad idea,”

    Mercy

    That you didn’t show on the other      guys

    Who       were far more hesitant

     And you took out that    one guy

    Who didn’t do   anything

     Just wasn’t as  vocal

     Dicks

    Jump The peashooter      isn’t doing the job?

   Jump

 He tried

  Power      Thrust

  Ana       kin

“ There.      they          are!”

    Bull         shit

  No way     

he saw those guys

 On all those     Packages

 Also       ‘the i knew     It was      a bad     Idea     Guy       Got     New     Friends

“Fire!”

Fuck

The   bridge     is     out

“Jump     to me,”

 Try       it   with     a     little    bit     more         disinterest

“ I’ll use the force”

Even she realizes it’s not that     intense

  “ You have to trust me,”

    Good Luck

  OMG

 It looks like     she just      falls

Also Obi-wan’s in the back   like     it’s none of my business

Like dude came on a rescue mission      And     has become completely useless     never helped   once     Complained  the whole way   there

Manages

“Got you,”

“ NICE    CATCH,”     Obi  -Wan from the sidelines

    10/10        Hilarious

“ I’ll fetch the droid,”

   What??

       No

This          isn’t                   cute

     Disgusting

“Oh the things you do to get me alone,”

   KIDS don’t-

    Ack-

Please      no     more     smoopy-

nope

I’m     putting   it in     the    “bad”    corner      Till       it   stops   trying     to     ship   children

  Bad    Movie

 That’s          Not     Cute

Obi-wan             Sucks

   Can’t      even      levitate        A       Droid

  “Stop         me       please”

    Poor        Droid

    Blast          You’re            Weak

     “ That’s           not           good”

         Yeah             you’re               weak

          “Anakin               I got            separated                from                your                  droid,”                  Thank                   God

                 I’ll                   take                  care                    of                      it

             Better                             “ We’ll                   meet                      you                      back                        at                     the                    Twilight”?

                 “ I                overheard                 grievous,”

            Annnnnd

     “ They’re hyper-drive             is nearly fixed,”

       Soooo, He better get you back to the      ship so we can start blasting it with Cannon balls again?

“ i’m already headed in that direction,”

  Soooooo, don’t do it, Obi-wan?

  Or have Anakin and take the extremely important senator       And come back for you later?

  “ i’ll make sure the   hyperdrive stays off line,”

  By shooting it with more cannon-balls?

Ha ha Ha ha ha

  We’ll see about that

 What?!        Person who can do nothing!

 Like seriously if they just go back to the ship-

  That Jedi

“I’m getting you out of here,”

  Good decisions

 “I need you to help me find 3PO,”

 How?

“ I know I know     he does,”

 Padme’s        expression

“And       i’ll be there     soon,”

  That’s        almost       adorable

       Oh          like          that

‘Someone stop this contraption,”

Careful        Words

  Yeet

There        We          Go

  Into      those      boxes

“ I       suppose             I did ask for that,”

Ha-he

   That got a small giggle   out of me

 Stomping

  Bait

Murderous        Intent

 Get        Fucked        Obi   Wan

Really    rolling out all the stops

Hahaha

 “ Hello there,”

 [Took a pause.   a long break]

  General Kenobi

“ kill him,”

Straight.       To.     The.       Point.

More in line with the characterization we’ve seen up so far, not that much for conversation

Dude’s       just rolling

 There        went the others

 Bowling    pins            they          are

Oh     grievous   has     a     gun

And   hiding behind the enemy

Thought     he sent     both those     guys flying

Apparently     I was wrong

Must’ve        Been        a       Third

 Ha

Didn’t     Work

Yeet

That    poor      Droid...

 Spark*

  That        was        impressive

    Nah      he        ran      around      things

It really set up your forces for a     brawl among       them selves

“Argh,”

Dude,   how   insecure

“ Guard         the         hyperdrive,”

Oh     yeah       he      did      shit        to         it

  Also   sending     basic       level      mooks        to     deal     with        it

Shooting         Things

 Again       how      did   Anakin         and   Padme     end      up     in      the    situation?

 They      were      at      the     train    station      last

  Now         they’re         at??

 And       have      agroed         every       enemy

  Who      should       be     focusing       on    Obi-Wan   because 

  That        was        their     last        order

   Grievous      has      just         completely       ignored       Anakin

 Hiding

 You          aggroed              Them!

  Why      are        you      calling       Obi -Wan

“Come in     Obi-wan,” 

 Get     her     to       the shuttle

“ i’m afraid     grievous     is onto     us,”

“We      noticed,”

 Hey   you guys Aggroed those guys completely on your own     don’t blame Grievous   for this

“Ack,”

Those      are      Tanks

 You’re  peashooter     isn’t going       to       do       much

 Also,          Anakin      shouldn’t     be     able       to      take     them   either

This           should       be        a     properly     terrifying     moment

“ We’ll           meet      you     back        on       the     twilight,”

Good     plan

“Obi-   Wan!”

Writers      don’t     screw       this        up

 “Come     In,”

 His   communicuff     clearly    got   damaged

What’s      wrong?!

 They’re       jamming      all     communication

No again   it’s far more likely that his       communicuff        Got     Damaged     (Especially   with      Grievous      listening        in,”

Not everything is     jammed communi         cations               Yeet, yeet         Yeet

That     should    not     work Those        are     tanks

Anakin   is        a     lightweight

His skill set is     unspecified

But     he shouldn’t  be able to cut more than     butter with that knife

Light wieght     clankers     should   pose    a   challenge

Due   to   the   amount   of   energy

  “That    might      buy         us      some         time

   Unlikely

   I       suppose         you        have          a        plan      Yeah,          Get           to            the         escape         pad

     Follow            Me

    ...To          the          escape           pod

      C3PO             I do believe           I’m lost

       Seriously            you           haven’t           found              this ��           guy

       Enemy          Territory

       And           all            alone

       You’re         a           service            droid

         Probably             wouldn’t              notice              anything

             “Ah,”

             Dude, they’d probably just adopt       you into the clan

            “ I surrender,”

               Again I really want to see the C3PO and battle droids     conversation

               (When not aware of the other side)

 It’s      a projector...          R2 D2

    “ you are a sight for    old eyes,”

      A nice   interaction

“ Master     Anakin         sent       you          to       find        me,”

  “ what        kept           you        then?”

     He      does         have         a       point

    Dude     got   thrown      off      the     train    about      an     hour     ago

R2′s      just been messing with him

“ follow me,”

“ The general        is demanding     a        status report,”

Oh some driod on droid    interactions    (without   the    general)

 Nice

Is    the    hyperdrive   re-paired         Yet

  From     there?

“ i’ll     give     him     the   good   news,”

This   isn’t   the       escape     pad

Did   you   take   a   wrong    detour?

Also    no   one   guarding   the   super   important    one   panel   repair

Just       Light weight    clankers

   Also that’s not   good news

  (Especially considering       it’s one panel)

   Surprised     this goes      so well

Also;      now     there’s      tanks

  Surprised you think that peashooter can do anything   ma’am

   Like seriously   should’ve grabbed a bigger gun

  The   droids     have     some

  And      you can’t tell me       there       hasn’t been artillery     laying around    this     entire       time

   Yeet

  That almost-      Turned into murder                 This is why not going to the escape pods      immediately    was       a      bad      idea

  Again          this       should        be         a      stressful        fight

But turning your child soldier       Into an all powerful      can never lose       child soldier

 Is bullshit       movie

 Opened   Door

  “Ever since I’ve known you       you’ve been playing       with droids,”

  Ack

 “I used to put them together,”

  Alright...

 Now I only take them   apart      Child soldiering...

  It sucks

So,    where do we start

GETTING TO THE ESCAPE PAD!

Obi-Wan      supposed to be here                               any minute!

With whole lot of     bullshit!

   Move!

First we need to get one of these     droids so they don’t know we were here

No destroy the thing and     go

They’ll figure it out in like   five seconds

When they go to start the thing     up!

Running is a good   option

“I’m gonna     hot wire   this ship,”

How does       this make       anything            better?

 He’s already down   and       in kicking position

  Everyone’s waiting for Amidala

 You’re not helping, good sir!

  (In fact I’m pretty sure   you’d have to fix something       To make     it go,”

Secondly,      This is a     HUGE    -ass ship

As a reason it has an   electrical team

Squeezing two little   wires

Isn’t going to do       much

It requires continuous effort   to different parts of the ship       To make a dent

And I truly doubt     such   a large ship is going to have such a     non-complicated        Start-up     compared   to hotwiring     a car

Point being;     this shouldn’t work

Give      Grievous      a little surprise

Again    if it’s anything less     Then a      bomb

 Dude isn’t   gonna have   much             trouble

And    this      is       a         waste       of      time

I’ll guess     I’ll clean up the droids   then

LITERally im   possible

That’s     a      tank!

 You   carry   light     weaponry!

Back     to    the   fleet

Plo           Koon         Is       doing     nothing

Having     tea   and   cookies   with     Ahsoka

Our     ships   are       in     attack     position

So...    nothings   changed

“Master     Skywalker,”

  No      one        else      either

   “No,”

Deadpanned

 “ The      droids        are     jamming      our     transmissions,”

(More   likely   reason     for     that      on       a       -damaged     ship)

But      Ergh-

“We need to give him more     time,”

 Opinion!

“ i’m sure we can,”

I’ve been sitting on my ass-         

  [Plo’s            Head        Moves     -Railway]

   We’re         back         here      again?

   Obi-Wan         should         be         at        the     station        by         now

    Everything         is       behind        him

   Yeet

   Yeet

Make it to the   Coms   center

Break      Some      Shit

Oof     Those       Poor     Droids            Good      Pa     rell       els

  Splat!

 Obi won    looking   back-and-forth

 Obi-Wan       you       are        a      Jedi     master       this      shouldn’t       be     hard

  Run

Tum   ble

I was fully planning on   him   stacking it

Roof

Also, Obiwan

  Stop fecking         Around

  Get to the   place

  Woof

How

Did you   end up   falling over?

Ironically Obi-Wan    shows    less    emotion    than     Anakin

* Slashing      the       train*

 Okay...     what     did     I   do

Snarky        little     shit

 Could        be     snarkier

 “That         oughta    do it,”

Ana     -kin      Doing      Obi-wan’s          Job

 Also   Oh     shit      is he       plugging           in       the            location         of         that       supposed          fight           with           master-

How’s the house cleaning going-

 Im-

 That dude made out of     -metal

  He is     FIVE    times     your   bodyweight!

 HOW?

 Done?

 You     MOVED         a     Tank??

HOW-

 That’s-

What       ever

 * Guys       coming            in*

    Oh   yeah       that’s         a       door

       I         guess       repairs         are       finished

Or       they went       on      lunch       break

   Prepared        to charge        up the hyperdrive

     Right on it

“Roger, Roger,”           -famous last words

   Sparking

 Driving

  Are we      seriously      waiting     on   these   two

“Are      you   quite   sure   the   ship       is       in   that   direction?

He’s   basically   a   GPS

That     way    looks   potentially   dangerous

All   of    them   do

 “Haz       ardous,”

 Better   Example     beeping   irritatedly

“I know       the whole     place      is    dangerous,”

  Thank you   R2-     D2

“ I   suggest   we       stay   here   and    let   master   Anakin   find   us,”

Bad     idea

A better idea than anyone in the ‘let’s meet up in an undisclosed location’ came up with

Good idea

3PO

Fecking   Irony

“Don’t    just   stand   there,”

See?

“Let’s      get    back     to    the   ship,”

Irony

Power          up   the   engines     R2

You know   Obi-Wan’s     likely going to screw up your shit   right

*obi-Wan     comes     around     the   corner,*

Dude you have shit to     screw up    

Did you forget?

There shouldn’t be an     escape pod   for you

What

Hold the   ship

No, you didn’t do     anything...

Then again he could just     cannonball   it

How’s that- 

Okay     Very light   bullshit

“ i’ll   contact    the     fleet,”

It’s   the   most   you’ve     done   this   entire   time

Focus      On         The     chair

Do        cking      Clamp

There     We       Go

 Off        We     Go

 It’s       still   Burning

Grievous        Off

Why?

He doesn’t know   

Obi-Wan’s off   the ship

Last   saw   him   on   the     train...

(Not     followed    up     on   directly)

Flighters,   Where        I thought they all got     destroyed?!

All batteries   open fire

Again     Plo Koon does not give a shit       who dies

(Until sitting on his ass gets        too   boring)

Also    this isn’t his fleet

They shouldn’t listen to   him

(Especially after he got his last one   killed)

More       Shooting at the   burning     wreck

Turb      ulence

And     Obi-Wan   still    didn’t   do        his     job

Guns

You can       shoot back   at any time

“ I wa-”

Obi-wan      being   completely       useless

Anakin       having       too     much     emotion

“I   got      it,”

Shoo   ting     stuff

Somehow       doesn’t    go   down   immediately

Hit

“ She     seems     to know   her way   around,”

Gross

Hit     Something

The      Hyper       Drive

-repaired

Also   Obi-Wan   didn’t   fuck   up   shit 

Dis     appointed

Also   it   certainly    as   frick   isn’t   now

After   they’ve   been   shooting

Should we retreat     to   friendly    space?

If You can make there it with it in     one piece      (Which    was    the   qualifications)

Engage     the   hyperdrive

With   me   not   on  it

“Secret base      sector four,”

Interesting

“Prepare-”

Enthus iastic

“Yes,      Sir,”

Fighters      still   chasing

Intense

“Nice   Shoot,”

 Gross

“Beginners     luck,”

 Beeping

“Pardin-”

“Hyperdrive   is   activating,”

Obi-Wan

“ Oh-shit     Caught in a   lie.”

“-what”

-They’re getting hit with cannonballs     Anakin what did you do   ?!

(What Did      I    order you    to do?)

Coordinates    are   locked

“Hyperdrives     engaging,”

  Shit’s     about       to    go-

Ar-

Sp-       arking

Glitzy     display         Base

“ I think   there’s     a   problem,”

“General     I think     there’s a problem with the   hyperdrive,”

Yeah       The ship got refired     upon     it’s probably       re broken

Seriously

“ I thought     the hyperdrive     was fixed,”

And then it got shot again...

The navigate computer is heading a straight into the   moon

What        ??

Fools       reset the           Navi         computer

“Quick,”

Tech    Support

Dooku

Worst         time      to     call

(Don’t       think     it     could’ve       gone       more       sideways)

Also good job         Anakin         You crash landed them       on a planet         with significantly larger surface area       and resources     that they       can             use      to         re-build

 Aka              you made things harder      than they needed to      be

  Obi-Wan,        what are you     ordering       this kid

Narrowed eyes

-No     reset       it

“General,”

 Harsh

But I’m interested         in where this is going

Since        Grievous           has          had           a lot of       shit thrown at him

Doesn’t matter     which side of      enablers         he still enabling

 But          I suppose        over involved         positivity            Would be            kind of a nice      change          for         him

 Over         over involved           negativity

 Speeds         off

“Trans         -mission         Has          been          cut,”

  Intentionally

* also      smart        droid

“ We’re     Gonna         die

[Explosion]

 How?!

Whelp       Obi-Wan has to have a sit down talk with Anakin.    about the ‘ Drive the         ship into the moon,’ order

Also I realized      (thanks to Obi-Wan)     they know nothing about what just     happened         Grievous           either             decided         to        just       end          it 

or they’re all dead

Obi-Wan

 Dick move

“ I imagine        you had           something       to do       with that,”

WTF- orders

“ all part of       the plan,”

Obi-Wan schooled       Anakin in      extraterrestrial terrorism

Cheering     at least the ion cannon     isn’t coming back

Nice shot

           ...So Destroy Malevolence

               I have to say      I really like this episode

 Despite the plot      stretched thin

        There was a noticeable increase in the quality of       animation

        The child characters were     good 

The other characters were a lot more consistent  And a lot       smarter                               

[thatwitchrevan]

For the star wars q's!! 1 (fave/least fave), 9 (fave), 15 (least fave), 18 (fave)

Thank you! Here’s the link to the meme for anyone who wants it!

1. movie:

My favorite is The Empire Strikes Back! It’s classic Star Wars. And I mean that not in a ‘old Star Wars is better’ because I hate that attitude and I love a lot of new Star Wars, but Empire has the most elements I love in a Star Wars movie used together to best effect. Plus it’s in between 1 and 2 so it means the heroes have hit their stride but I don’t have to feel like the story is ending, yet. The only thing I don’t like about Empire (well, besides the awkward kiss) is that Yoda is in so much of it. 

For my least favorite... I used to say AotC because while I like it a lot it’s just not as fun for me as The Phantom Menace (I really love Naboo and I really love Padme) or Revenge. But ranking the prequels was always hard for me. The Last Jedi temporarily took its place of ‘I like it but it’s low on the list’, but then. Rise of Skywalker came along. And I can officially say for the first time that there is a Star Wars movie I hate.

So yeah, that one.

9. ship

I was gonna be all ‘oh no this is a hard one’ but actually it’s the Ebon Hawk. I adore that ship. It’s old, it’s banged up, it’s cursed, and it’s confusing to get around but it’s home. The first time I cried playing KotOR II was immediately upon starting the game because ahkdjd i started in the Ebon Hawk. I LOVE her.

Runners up would be the Ghost (and Phantom) and the obvious Millennium Falcon. I think they all fall into the same category as havens/home base for their resident ragtag group of space criminals so you fall in love with them for the same reasons, but since KotOR has my heart the most so does the Hawk.

15. line of dialogue

god, my least favorite line. It almost has to be one from TROS because of the amount of times I went ‘wtf no’ during that movie but since I’ve only seen it once and tried to forget any parts I didn’t like... in the past it would’ve been ‘do or do not, there is no try’ but Rebels kind of reinvented the line for me. Still hate when Yoda says it, tho.

ummm okay I’m just going to say the whole ‘I wanted to hold Ben’s hand’ thing because. what. and full disclosure, I was not in the theater at this moment because I had just walked out for a moment but,,, again, WHAT?

18. villain

ooooh. do I pick a true villain or one of the back and forth ones. hmmm I guess I’d have to say my favorite ‘true villain’ is Palpatine (excluding his latest appearance) because he’s just very composed 90% of the time and then entertainingly batshit the other 10%. He’s manipulative, calculated, clever, he makes you hate him but is still interesting enough to enjoy watching. Absolutely classic.

My favorite ‘can’t make up their fucking mind’ hero/antihero/villain/antivillain is ofc Revan. Fricking dumbass baby. I love them. 

Also I’m legally obligated to talk about Malak here. I guess he is a ‘true villain’ even though he started out as a hero, but I’m sorry to say... I think he’s a bad villain. He’s tragic, can be menacing at times, and I absolutely love him, but I can’t stop laughing. Whenever he tries to do villain stuff. I’m like sweetie are you sure this is the right career path for you. You don’t seem to know what you’re doing. He destroys a whole ass planet to get rid of one (1) twenty something Jedi girl and when Revan finally comes to confront him he keeps running away and making them fight droids and Sith assassins. He decides the best way to get an advantage over Revan is by using human batteries even though he’s probably already physically stronger than them?? and, uh, newflash big guy? I CAN USE THE HUMAN BATTERIES TOO.

So is Malak one of my favorite characters in anything ever? Yes I adore him beyond reason. Is he competent enough to be my favorite SW villain? Wellll........

[tariqk]

So I watched Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker last night

TL;DR: Glad I got that out of the way.

Spoilers under the cut.

J.J. Abrams can’t write or direct to save his life. It was evident that he had a lot of help this time from an editing and pacing perspective, because 1) Rey and Kylo were put in a lightsaber battle on a place with ocean spray and she was wearing a white outfit and there were no gratuitous nipple shots, and 2) there seemed to be less of the classic Abrams fakeout than usual. Which means that there were still an egregious amount, but it felt like the other adults in the room reined him in.

Even despite all of that? The end result was mostly… bland, apart from the few moments of outrage, annoyance, and occasionally (occasionally) squealing joy.

I’ll get to the parts I did like first:

Wedge Antilles (played by Denis Lawson) makes a very brief cameo. Like, a very brief cameo. I still squealed.

The OT3 moments between Rey, Finn and Poe were real. I knew I was being pandered to, but if there’s an AU where the three of them don’t settle in the old Skywalker ranch, where Finn plays the oblivious hot homesteading dad that everyone wants to bang, Poe’s the crusty old smuggler with a paramour in every spaceport, and Rey becomes the cranky old uncle with a gaggle of Force-sensitive children, apprentices, and droids I will scream.

Okay, it’s nice that Finn gets to bond with more ex-stormtroopers. I’d have liked to see more, but this was good. Maybe Finn can start group therapy sessions with former ex-child-soldiers and stuff.

It’s also nice that we get Finn as the secondary Force-Sensitive character in the movie! He’s not going to be the Jedi, but he’s definitely taking on the role of the Leia. And it’s also nice that everyone secretly wants to bang him treats him like a respected, even natural leader!

The reason why Zorri was so willing to help Poe and his gang was so obviously because she was gay for Rey. GAY FOR REY! GAY FOR REY! GAY FOR REY! (Honestly I don’t see the point, Rey’s such a skinny white girl and there were major vibes of that in that once-every-42-years festival scene)

The actors did great despite the limitations of the script. Yes, even Adam Driver. But to call out, specifically: John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, Dominic Monaghan, Kelly Marie Tran, Oscar Isaac, Ian McDarmid, Billy Dee Williams, Domnhall Gleeson (Hux Spite 110% 5eva lmaooo), Anthony Daniels, Naomi Ackie, Keri Russell, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fischer, god rest her soul. All of you were amazing and did a great job despite the crap materials you were saddled with.

That’s about it honestly. It’s honestly evident that JJ Abrams made this movie to be sliced up into a series of awesome movie clips from the movie, because the movie is jam-packed with all of them. But put together the way it was in the cinema, it all blended into this bland, empty experience. 

Like, honestly… my bladder was so full that I had to go to the can, got lost a bit, peed up a storm, and wash my hands, came back and I honestly can say that I didn’t miss a damn thing. You could see where things were going. Rey would keep wandering off by herself and experience Force visions. There’d be a terrible tragedy that would be a fakeout that would be undercut by subsequent scenes. Kylo Ren would look all wooby while gaslighting the shit out of Rey.

That being said… fuck the kiss, man. Fuck the kiss. I loathe Reylo so I’m biased as hell, but even if I was, can you honestly expect me to believe that someone as violent, abusive, and gaslighting like Kylo Ren just had to believe that his momma still loved him before he’d turn back to the light? The fucker, who massacres entire villages, was responsible for the genocide of billions, murders the shit out of everyone, subjects his subordinates to Force and lightsaber-based abuse, just needed to know that momma loved him? This man ran a lightsaber through his daddy’s gut, the same daddy who loved and trusted him so much that he literally risked his ass (and paid dearly for it) to try and tell him that he and his momma loved him very much despite all the shit he pulled? All he needed was the love of his Sainted Mother (RIP Carrie you will be missed) who had to die for him to get the message? And for that he gets smoochies with Rey and then gets to pass into the Force?

Fuck that. I hope he never comes back, good riddance.

That being said, Adam Driver is an excellent actor, able to portray both Kylo Ren (who is a terrible person) and Ben Solo (who is an uncertain child in a grown man’s skin) amazingly well. It’s just that… when he’s in Ben Solo mode, I can’t help but notice his giant nose. Like you don’t notice it when he’s being a gaslighting, abusive dipshit, I guess? But when he’s the lost, uncertain boy who’s forced to grow up too fast through associating with abusive persons? That nose just like, grows three sizes or some shit. I don’t understand it, but there you have it.

And it’s also nice that Lando Calrissian, the token Black dude in the original series, remains literally the last surviving member of the gang. Well, other than Chewie. WHO NEEDS A PROPER MEDAL CEREMONY WTF.

Also, Rose Tico got done dirty in this episode. MORE ROSE TICO! Ian McDarmid also was amazing, despite the fact that for most of the movie he was tethered to a massive cybernetic machine as zombie Emperor Palpatine. I have no opinions about Rey being a Palpatine. It honestly doesn’t matter. When the reveal happened I kind of shrugged and moved on. Doesn’t matter, she’s her own person. The fact that she can do the whole Force Lightning shit? Who gives crap, man! Darksiders can all do that, it’s classic Dark Side Force User power, it’s hardly signature to Palpatine though Abrams tried to make it so (remember that Count Dooku could do it). Evil!Rey was pretty good, though. I loved that feral smile. Too bad it was a Force image and there wasn’t a real personality behind it.