#And “every other type of amazing person there is that my tired brain can't remember right now” rights

[zinolotl]

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

I really want more pride emojis...

[beetsandskzreads]

silent bright summer night

bang chan x gn!reader, y/n works with skz and became their friend (the ultimate dream haha)

genre: tooth-rotening fluff, slight angst with a happy ending

notes/warnings: nothing intense, this is very fluffy, there's brief mentions of cheating, long distance, y/n's exes, fear of abandonment, slight insecurities, deep talks, reader and chan are slightly wine drunk, y/n and chan are whipped, y/n makes it explicit they want to date someone very warm and caring (aka chan), i don't think that's a warning tho djsjs just saying

scenario: on a balcony, at a beach apartment on a summer night of vacation, y/n opens up to chan about their past and current lovers. what y/n doesn't know is why chan is so interested listening to it.

It was 1:01 am when chan and I found ourselves in the balcony that overlooked the city and it's bright lights on a summer night. Skz had gone to sleep right after all of us came back from a night out of lots of fun, buying stuff on stores by the beach, having ice cream, seeing the view of the city lights reflecting on the sea water, appreciating street artists...

The two of us had been talking the whole evening, we hung out as a group but mostly just spoke to each other and laughed at the members jokes, both of us having a sparkle in our eye every time we saw the group happy. There was this unspoken pleasantness, a bliss, calmness in the air but with a lot of excitement. Chan was so happy to be around the sea with "the kids" as he refers to them and being at the beach almost 24/7 this week, it was like his natural habitat, his home, a comfort place. It left you feeling even softer for him, and as you shared your love for the sea, your feelings were at a peak. You liked Chan, and you loved this place as much as he did.

The night was so great, everyone was out like a lightweight as soon as we arrived to the vacation apartment we're in. Chan and I were testing the theory that a glass of wine would help us get drowsy and help us fall asleep as well, since we both have trouble falling asleep and felt nothing but a remaining excitement from the night out. It came to me especially because of the enthusiasm of talking to him, we were connecting so well, I didn't want this to ever end.

And so we drank (one glass quickly becoming the whole bottle) and we talked for what felt like hours on end, that neither of us wanted to cease.

- My ex best friend, she never quite knew how to choose guys, she always went for the ones that would never turn her way, the ones who obviously wouldn't care about her, not because of her, but because they were really careless guys, walking red flags. - I told him, I couldn't remember where exactly the conversation started but we were talking about nice people picking shitty people to date.

- What about you? - he asked

- Me? I barely even like guys, I mean I do, but I'm really picky actually, I don't allow myself to fall for cold people, I wouldn't forgive myself if I took interest in someone rude, I try so hard to take care of myself so I either stay alone that way or I find someone who makes me feel better, who knows how to take care of me, after all we chase happiness, I think a caring person could do that, someone gentle who isn't scared of emotions or who at least is open to face that fear with me by their side.

- I get it, it's hard to get by if you don't have emotional support, a partner should be able to provide that support, yeah. Did you ever... find someone like that?

- Yeah, in the past I did and even now I do know someone more than ideal... I guess my ex partners when I was young were going through a soft phase tho... I guess everyone has an emotional limit they were scared to cross... once I found that barrier the relationship stoped evolving, reached a dead end and so there was nothing left for me anymore and I left, plus, you know, cheating, long distance, a bunch of stuff really... it wasn't meant to be and I'm okay with that.

- What about that someone right now?

Silence ruled for about 3 seconds before I knew what to say. That someone right now is him. Ever since I've known him feels like he's the only man ever, but I don't think I'd tell him that, not soon anyways.

- What about 'em?

- What's that person like? What makes you trust they're any different from your exes?

- Sometimes I fear they're not, but I set the bar really high and I reset it constantly, to make sure I'm seeing it right, sometimes they seem so perfect to me that I wonder what good have i done in my past life to deserve to be around such a bright person. Of course they make mistakes too, but even the way they deal with them is so... mature, it's so easy to just solve things communicating, it's insane to me. Then I remember it's probably because they're eventually gonna leave me too, or just not reciprocate my feelings and after they break my heart I'll probably loose all hope in love, be heart broken for two years until I decide I'm gonna focus on myself again... it's a cycle after heartbreak, but with this person I'm really scared, because they mean more. I'm way too deep in before I've even expressed my feelings, it's gonna be devastating. - I'm rambling, the wine made me do it.

- What makes you think they wouldn't like you back tho?

- I'm not sure I just... it would be too good to be true and it's complicated... he's amazing and I'm just not sure if he'd be into me, I mean, I think I'm lovable and I think I'd be a great lover, I just don't know if I'm his type or if he'd consider me. We have a bit of an age gap, I'm not someone who's typically pretty or specially good looking, I have my charms but I have no idea if that's enough for him to be in love. It's complicated with each others work too... - I notice chan's gaze on me, he has his head leaned on his hand on the table and he's looking at me with bright eyes, eyes that look tired and a little drunk but somehow, he manages to look at me in a way that makes me feel adored, I don't know why you have to make me feel so much love, Bang Chan - Why are you looking at me like that?

- You have no idea how other people perceive you, do you? - he ignored your question, probably because of his drunk-ish drowsy state - Everyone I know likes you, see, you're a naturally kind and caring person, you're attentive to people's needs, you make sure everyone feels comfortable around you... that's so appreciated by everyone. I think you're exceptional y/n, you have this charismatic way of existing, a refreshing and comfy presence everyone can feel, but to me... it feels like home. You feel like home y/n. So... I have no idea who that person is but I sure as hell know they'd be more than lucky to have you as a partner and they're definitely dumb if they let you go.

- Are you dumb? - my heart's pounding quicker as I'm about to do something I didn't plan on doing ever.

- Huh? No, why w-

- Because that person is you... I like you, Chan. In a more-than-friends way - I interrupt him quickly before I lose my newly found courage.

Chan could've sworn his heart stopped for a few seconds. Suddenly sobriety hit him like a truck. It was the alcohol that made you say that, he thought, but he wished it was true and you didn't drink enough to be lying about this kind of stuff, you had a full on conversation and you seemed pretty sober.

- Y-y/n are you sober? - he tries to navigate through the situation.

- Oh my... yeah I am, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, it just rolled out of my tongue. I'm sorry... - you said as you panicked and tried to go back inside, regret filling up all your organs.

"I messed up" your brain keeps repeating as desperation starts entering your body, until Chan grabbed your hand, stopping you from leaving.

- Wait! You don't need to apologize, I'm glad you told me... You didn't think I'd say all that about you if I didn't like you as well, did you? - he asks suggestively.

- I don't know - you blush as you realize what he's getting at - You're just so nice to everyone, I didn't make a big deal out of it.

- Well, you should've made it a big deal, the biggest deal actually because I've been trying really hard to show you how I feel these past few days and you were so clueless I thought you were purposefully ignoring the signs because you didn't like me back.

- I'm sorry Channie, I just didn't want to assume stuff and get heartbroken if it wasn't true.

-Well it is true, so you don't need to worry anymore. I really like you too, y/n. And I've wanted to say it for a while too, I was just wondering if it was a good idea since you work with us, but I can't contain my feelings anyways... you always treat me so softly and you look after the kids really well... It just feels like you were made to be by my side, you're the embodiment of the person I've always dreamed to be with, and these past few days with the kids and you... it just felt like we were the perfect family you know? I don't think I could be without you by my side anymore... - he stops, he's been staring at your eyes the whole time and now they're starting to water.

How could you not cry when he's saying the things you thought you'd only ever hear in dreams?

- Why are you crying sweetheart? - he whispered, as he wipes a tear with his thumb, the other hand holding your hand as he stands closer every second.

- It's just... I'm so... happy - you smile through your tears - I'm so happy to hear that, you said it in such a beautiful way too... I feel exactly the same, it's like I've gained a family with you guys but you... I've grown really attached to you, feels like some parts of you are tangled in my heart in ways I couldn't tear apart if I wanted to... I'm drawn to you and when I'm with you it's comfortable, blissful, it's right. You're so good to me, it's unbelievable, but it's true, and it warms my heart. - you say as your foreheads touch and your smile grows, his eyes showing so much adoration for you, you could melt.

Suddenly you share your first kiss together, a soft yet passionate mix of sensations, and it felt like everything you ever felt around Chan but better.

You stare into each other's eyes, smiling like the little lovely goofballs you both were, noses touching, ocasional little pecks filled with giggles because you were whipped for each other.

- So this means we're exclusive lovers now, yeah? - he asks with a blushing face, a very silent giggle and a huge, uncontrollable smile.

- Definitely, yeah - you answer biting your lip until eventually you let out the largest smile you ever had.

Needless to say, you didn't leave that balcony to go to sleep that evening. In fact, you two watched the sunrise kissing and cuddling, talking about the feelings you had for each other, when they started, why you liked each other, covered by a blanket, not wanting to let go of each other now that you were openly romantic.

Han found you both sound asleep, you on chan's lap, head on his neck as his arms wrapped around you gently, on a chair in the middle of the morning. He obviously called all the members to watch you two as they assumed you two finally got together. All of them saw it coming, Chan wouldn't shut up about you and had written what could be an entire album about you.

They were happy at least you'd be around more often to cook your delicious food. And you both blushed really hard once you woke up to lot's of teasing from the kids, it was fine tho, you liked it just like this, it was home.

[obey-me-headquarters]

MANHWA RECS??? Say no more.

The Villainess is a Marionette / The Way to Save the Female Lead's Older Brother both have frankly unreasonably beautiful art and pretty badass, calculating, very unreasonably attractive heroines.

Death is the Only Ending for a Villainess is another manhwa with a really cool female lead who's very pragmatic and relatable, she's one I'm really rooting for.

The Great Wish is a more plot-intensive but slow-moving politically motivated manhwa with some very nice character development and really neat grey vs grey morality.

I Failed to Throw the Villain Away is a secret pleasure of mine. The art is very pretty, the male lead is pretty much batshit insane, and he and the female lead are both traumatized by a fucked up childhood they spent together (the male lead was a slave in the female lead's household).

Ohhhhh, nice recs!

I heard about some of these before! I think I tired to get into The Villainess Is A Marionette, but I don't think I found a very good translation and so I couldn't get into it. I like to read Manhwa to turn my brain off and just enjoy the romance, so I'm very particular about the translation lol.

I heard about The Way To Save The Female Lead's Other Brother from a strong female progtagist listing. But I found myself not liking the characters that much? I felt like the female lead was a little too cold hearted for my taste. Honestly I really, really enjoy strong, takes no bullshit Mcs, than Mcs that are bashful or insecure. But I don't think cold hearted Mcs are for me. It's the reason when I couldn't get into The Lady And The Beast, even though, on paper, I should have really enjoyed the Mc.

I think I recognize the cover to Death Is The Only Ending For The Villainess but I can't remember if I actually read it or not... guess it's going on my to read list lol.

The Great Wish and I Failed to Throw The Villain Away both look really good! I also haven't heard of either of them! Though, im a little weary about reading less popular Manhwas purely because I worry what the translation quality will be.....

Now, to get into some of MY recs.

When I first got into My Gently Raised Beast I was expecting myself not to like it. The Mc is your typical shy, and "Oh, the male lead could *never* fall for me" type of character. Which i really hate. What had me holding on was the male lead. There's nothing outright special about him, but I just really enjoyed that he thinks about what the Mc might want. He's never pushy, or forceful, and tries to do everything the "correct" way so they can be together. Honestly, it was very refreshing. I always dislike harsh male leads that never seem to question what their love interest would feel, so seeing this guy be thoughtful was really nice. Overall, just a really sweet story.

Beware The Villainess is truly my favorite Manwha of all time. I think I love absolutely everything about it. The Mc is the classic "isekaied onto the villain but is actually a good person" trope. The Mc takes no shit from aby of the guys around her, and has an incredibly wholesome friendship with another girl character. The love story between the Mc and the male lead honestly blew me away. It's basically a role reversal, were the girl is all tough and headstrong, and the guy is more shy and bashful. I never seen a role reversal done like this in a Manwha before and I absolutely ADORE it! The Female lead is all "let *me* protect *you*" and she does! Really, that's all I want in a role reversal lol. Yet the Mc isn't cold or unfeeling at all, she's still very sweet and has empathy. Honestly, the male lead just gives me such "I can peg him" vibes its amazing lol. Definitely a must read!

Again, The Reason Raeliana Ended up at the Duke’s Mansion seems like a Manwha I would have really disliked. The male lead is forceful and doesn't care about the Mcs feelings. The Mc is insecure to an almost insane level. So why did I read every single chapter of this Manwha? Well, for starters it has one of the best translations I ever seen. And. I don't really know? This was the first Manwha I ever read, so I wasn't really intune with kind of things I liked and disliked in a Manwha. I found it a while later, and decided to pick up roughly where I left off, and once you get past the whole "Male lead is a jerk and the Mc doesn't really wanna be with him" it's actually a really sweet story! (When the two leads actually love each other, the story is actually sweet! Who knew! /j) The manwha is finished, and fully translated and easy to find and read. It's also incredibly funny and has a really good art style. If you're willing to put up with some of the things I listed, then I think you should give it a try.

Inso's Law is different as in its set in the present day, but I actually think this is one of my favorite piece of media ever lol. It's just, so incredibly good! Basically, the plot is that this girl doesn't really get Iskeaied into a story, but more so a book she's reading kinda becomes reality and she's gets placed as the female leads best friend. That's not really spoilers because you fund this out in like, the first chapter lol. It's incredibly instructing and really deals with the stress of being Iskeaied. Also, every character is so incredibly flushed out, not just the Mc and the love interest! The story is extremely funny, while also having a lot of heart and feels. I wouldn't really call the Mc a strong female character, but more of a regular person. I would recommend this to people who even hate Iskeai stories because this one does it in such a unique way that I think everyone should read.

It's been a while since I read Who Made Me A Princess but I found myself really enjoying it when I first read it. Unlike the others, this is a family story instead of a romance focused story like the others. The father is pretty typical guy for a Manwha, as in he's very cold and unfeeling and it's the Mcs job to "fix" him. Honestly I normally really dislike these stories, but since they're so common in the genre I kinda forced myself to tolerating it lol. But when you actually get into the story, and pass the father being a jerk, the relationship they build together is actually very sweet. I also found the beginning to extremely hilarious, and the side characters to be very likeable.

I really, really enjoyed Tricked Into Becoming The Heroine's Stepmother. It's a very laid back story, which I honestly prefer lol. Hugh fansty is nice, but when you have to start taking notes on what the characters are saying, and their nations relationships with each other, it becomes a little too much for me lol. Unlike the last rec, this dad really really loves his daughter, and it's why he's cold to the Mc! That passes extremely quickly tho, so if you're worried about that don't worry. The relationship between the Mc and the male lead is extremely natural, and it was something I found really really cute in this story. The basic plot is the Mc gets sent into the book her and her friends made, but years before the story takes place, now she teams up with the male lead to stop certain things from happening. It's a really cute read, and I definitely loved how the kid character was protrayed!

The Monster Duchess And The Contract Princess is a really cute read! There's basically no romance in this, and instead focuses on the family aspect! The basic plot is the Mc wants to create a contract with this real scary noble family in exchange for protection. I loved the adopted mother, and how lowkey intense she is, while also being very sweet. It's a very good read if you like adult characters looking after mistreated children.

The Remarried Empress has so much emotional depth, and great characters, that I actually got a little mad when I would read through the comments while I read this story. Characters make bad choices, but you completely understand why they did and where they're coming from. The Mc is cold and doesn't show much emotion, but you know exactly when she's like that. Her husband is a jerk, and is the villain of the story, but I still found myself able to understand his viewpoint and where he was coming from. I actually ended up feeling really bad for the rival girl (?? What do you call the character that's like a rival to the main girl? Whatever, rival girl works lol) because I understand where she's coming from! Basically every character makes really bad mistakes, but I can understand their view point. The story is very nuanced, and a great read if you like those kind of stories.

Ok, so I'm going to be honest, I really really love reverse harem stories. Which is why I absolutely adore My Next Life As A Villainess: All Routes Lead To Doom! It's extremely funny, like, the humor is definitely one of its main selling points. There's also female love interests too!! Which is always a delight to see in reverse harem stories. It was really interesting seeing the Mc befriend and make all the other characters fall for her, even when she doesn't realize how much of a player she is lol. Overall the story has a lot of heart, and is very funny! (I really struggle to find a reverse harem story that I like because this was one of the first I read and it set the bar SO high for me, so if yall have any suggestions I would love to hear them lol)

That's all the Manhwas I can think of right now! If yall have any more recommendations I would love to hear them! As yall can tell, I kinda crazy about Manhwas lol.

[impala1967dwinchester]

We found each other- Part 7: Numbness

*Credit to secretsandgreeneyes*

Pov: Dean

Chapter Summary: Even though Dean is with Y/n and keeping his promise to Sam. He can't seem to shake the feeling of missing his brother, and that feeling sends him into a dark place.

Pairings: Dean W. x Reader.

Chapter Tags: Depression, inner thoughts, isolation, communication, angst, feelings, a little fluff, looking back at memories.

A/N: @firefly-graphics for divider

Word Count: 2.3k

We found each other Master List

Dean Winchester Master List

Main Master List

It's been months now. Months of not seeing Sam, not hearing his voice knowing that he is not okay is driving up the walls of Y/n's place. I've been quiet, I can't really think.

When I do think it's about whether or not I could save Sammy. There would be a lot at risk if I did try to save him. But again the promise I made to him out ways the way my brain feels.

Y/n's so sweet to me, the night after I arrived she pulled my things from the back of Baby. Slamming her shut and walking inside with my bags.

"I'll watch your clothes okay, De." She said walking up the stairs. She's being so sweet, and honestly, I don't know how to deal with it all. I haven't had someone take care of me in such a long time I'm so scared to let them in.

'Let her help, you mean the world to her.' My mind wouldn't play tricks on me right. I can hear the washer start, and I hear her walk around the upstairs. Her home is all I've got left, she's all I've got left.

My head replays last night's activities. I'm a one-night stand type of person. That's how I don't get hurt, like with Cassie. The first girl to break my heart. Exposed myself to her, just for her to think I was crazy and she left a bigger spot in my heart than she realized.

Honestly, she turned me into someone who didn't trust my own emotions, made me second-guess my every decision. You know what I didn't think about.

Having sex with Y/n. That was the most amazing I had felt, and she probably thinks I only did it because Sam was gone. But I didn't, I did because I love her.

Y/n comes down the stairs. She's got on an old sweatshirt and is in shorts. She looks like she just woke up, but in reality, she's cute. Y/n looks my way and smiles before cutting through the living room, and into the kitchen.

I stretch my arms over my head and remember the way Y/n's hands felt intertwined with mine. I notice that the couch is a few inches away from the small clear table in the living room. I can still invasion her on my lap, her hands dragging through my hair tugging and pulling at the short strands. I smile at the thoughts.

"Dean?" She says softly as she pops her head out of the doorway. I hum looking at her my eyes are tired I can feel the dripping of them. "Do you want some breakfast? Or coffee?" Y/n asks, I think so a moment, I don't want to be tired so I opt for the coffee.

"Coffee is fine sweetheart," I say standing up from the couch, pushing it into the original spot. I grab the messy throw blanket, ball it up, and throwing it to the bottom of the stairs.

I doubt she wants a sweaty throw blanket on her couch. I busy myself with replacing the stray pillows back onto the couch, and by the time I'm down Y/n is back around the corner of the door. "Coffee is done De." She says.

I get up and walk through the kitchen doorway. My coffee sits in a big cup, a plate of bacon is in front of it. I smile inward and thank the angels that Y/n is even this nice to me.

"So you said last night that you umm that you wouldn't mind hearing the story," I say, picking at my cup of coffee. She hums and grabs her cup before sitting down in front of me.

I tell her everything, she listens with open ears. She doesn't dare interrupt me, lets me pause when I need a breather for a moment. I tell her how Sam was able to take control just enough to say he had him, and just like he was gone.

It went quiet as I finish my cup of coffee. She's soaking in everything she just heard, I can see the emotion on her face changes drastically in a matter of moments.

Sadness, anger, worry, finally they land on a sad smile. I'd like to think she's happy that I'm here, but also sad that she probably thinks I'm

only here because I've got nowhere to go.

She interrupts my thoughts, asking a serious question the makes me freeze. "Dean, why'd you leave?" My breath stops and I close my eyes holding the cups tightly.

'Pray that she takes your dumbass in again' Sam's voice says in my head. 'Communication is key, Dean. Talk and listen.' My mother's voice rings.

"I... I was scared." I disclose looking down at the cup empty of coffee. "Scared of what?" She questions again. "That... that I'm not what you deserve." I barely get out. She scans my face with her eyes, it burns my skin as she stops at my eyes.

It feels like we are having forbidden eye contact right now.

Before she can speak her phone rings. "Give me a second, De. Let me just." I shake my head and go back to my plate of bacon. I can hear her conversation.

"Yes, this is her." She answers to the other end of the call

"Yes, yes I do. When can I come in?" She asks. I can hear her foot tapping against the tile flooring. She smiles at me, her eyes bright.

"Alright thank you, see you a few weeks." She finishing her call. Putting her phone down on the table, still smiling. "What was that call all about?" I asked her.

"Um, while you were gone I looked for a few jobs around the town. The dinner down the road just called said they'll have an opening later next month or so." She explained.

"Back with what we were saying." She continued. "I don't think you know just how much you truly do save people, Dean. How much you build people up." Y/n stated. Her eyes were starting to gloss over.

Tears weren't my thing. Crying wasn't my thing, but when it came to Y/n. I hated to see her cry, it sparked something inside me that deep-seated need to help her. Almost mother her through the situations.

But when the situation is 'you' or in this matter me. I don't know exactly what to do here. I'm in uncharted territory, in deep dark waters, in the death valley if you will.

She's all I've got left, she's a promise to Sam. And a promise to myself, so I know that I can live this life, this normal life where I go to work, and she goes to work. We eat dinner by seven and are in bed by nine.

My life though is destined to follow me. I think that's why I was so worried about staying with her. I didn't want to drag her into it again. "Maybe I do Y/n, but that doesn't mean that me leaving you all alone, is worth going through hell to have be with you." I groaned.

This was becoming harder and harder. The deeper I get with her, the more my feelings, and emotions play games with my head and my heart. This is not the sorta game I thought I'd be playing right now or really ever.

She reaches over the table, her hands grasping mine, the plate and coffee cup had long been moved. They squeezed my hands, tightly causing her knuckles to turn white under the pressure. Have you ever tried to tell someone you'll be there for them?

Through thick and thin, be there even if the world starts to shake. That's what her hands said all in once. Being with her is liking going to the beach, watching the hard waves crash against the soft tan sand.

"Dean. I think you're scared of more than not deserve me." She spoke her voice wavering under the pressure of her tears. "So what if I am?" I muttered under my breath. Our hands are still together, the warmth of her hands in the contrast of the coldness of mine. "It's okay if you're scared. So am I." She admits. She brings my hands up to her lips, kisses my knuckles, and then releases her hold on my hands.

Getting up she leaves the kitchen and walks up the creaking stairs. Once again I'm here alone, alone with my nasty thoughts. Progress is what you'd call this, but I'm too scared to wanna call it that.

I pull my phone from the back of my pocket.

There is no notification on the screen. The background shows Baby on a patch of very green grass. She's beautiful, but I slide the lock screen away, and I met with a picture of Sam and me.

He smiles brights, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. He holds the camera, his long arm giving the picture a bigger width. Bobby's in the background, I'm smiling my arm branching off his shoulder. I can relive it right now, but I don't want to.

I swipe and click on my messages. Dozens of unread notifications from Y/n dated months ago. Very few people had my phone number, Castiel didn't need my number he'd just pop up, Bobby knew my number, but besides that Sammy, and Y/n were the only two that constantly messaged me.

I clicked on Sam's profile, all our conversations rolling up. I scrolled reading his messages, every message I read I was able to know where we were, what hunt we were on, hell even the state we were in I knew.

My cheeks grew warm, and my eyes started to gloss over, tears brimming at the edge of my eyes. I chuckled and moved from Sam's messages. I clicked on Y/n's profile to rid myself of the annoying red mark on the corner of the app.

So many unread messages from her popped up on the screen, but before i could read them properly I heard the creak in the stairs. Y/n was coming down the stiars.

Turning the screen and fumbling to get it back in my back pocket. Y/n walked back into the kitchen, in her hands was brown box. She set it down on the kitchen table.

My eyebrows raised as she sat down in front of me. "What is this Y/n?" I inquired, pushing the box closer to her. She rolled her eyes pushing the box closer to be. "This box came in the mail,' A moment of slince cleared the room.

"From your brother, Sam." She finished. Eyebrows knitted together, "When?" I asked, "Just a few days before you got here." She replied. "Open it, I figured it wasn't for me to open." She chimed her voice turning light and airy, her glossy eyes were gone, she had applied a bit of makeup a light nude color was sitting on her lips.

"Thank you," I spoke, pulling my pocket knives from it's hidden spot in my jeans I sliced through the tape with ease. The top coming open. I pulled the tabs back.

A notes sat at the top of the box. Written in Sam's nice hand writing.

"I sent these things to Y/n's figured you'd go back to her after I went to hell, but that's not what this note is about. In this box is things that I hope make you smile. A few of my books I thought that Y//n might like. A few other things.

I love you Dean. We don't say it enough, but I love you. I'm sorry that I put you in a spot, but you're so stronger, and you've got Y/n. You'll pull through you always do Dean."

I was most definitely crying now. "De?" Y/n called rising from her seat quicker then i fell into my seat. "De?" She repeated bringing my head into her stomach. My sobs went through my whole body. She slipped the note from my hands.

I cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore, "I didn't mean." Y/n went to say "It's not your fault honey. I'm thankful that you brought this out." I spoke my voice rough and deep.

Going through this box I gave Y/n the books Sam had stated in his note were for Y/n, and I pulled out other things of Sam. It was like I was pulling Sam out a box, and yet he wasn't here. Y/n standed next to me the entire time. Being the most loving person should be.

When I was done I sat down at the table. Breathing hard as I looked at Sams life sitting at the table in front of me. His computer, a few of his more personal effects.

'Stop staring them and wishing he's going to show up' I thought ot myself. I could still feel Y/n's hands sitting on my shoulders. "I meant what happened last night." I spoke through a boot of confidence. "What?" She stammered out.

"I wanted to do the tango with you since the moment I saw you." I stated matter of factly. I heard her giggle, so I turned in my seat. Her bright smile was back again on her face. "Do the tango?" She laughs again saying it. I roll my eyes.

"What would you like me to say? That I liked how you felt above me, I liked watching you enjoy yourself. I loved the way you moaned when I pounded into you." I said smirking, her cheeks rising in color.

She looked everywhere but me. Resting my fore finger and my thumb under her chin, I made her look at me. "Cat got your tongue?" I asked.

"No." She said, grabbing my wrist and dragging me up the stairs.

We Found Each Other Part 8

Completed on: 07/12/2021

Posted on: 07/20/2021

Dean Winchester Tag List: @akshi8278 @deanswaywardgirl @doctorlilo @wonderfulworldofwinchester @fofisstilinski @hit-meup69

We found each other Tag List: @samsgirl93 @stoneyggirl2 @ijustlearnedtolove-beep-bop-boop

[curseofaphrodite]

tori my love hi

my boyfriend and i 🤝 expressing our love for each other through bullying

i'm still down for yours and mine wedding tho totally will make him maid of honour for you

each time i write sanskrit exam i feel like i have accomplished everything lmao getting decent marks w/o studying in sanskrit exam is my job

you don't understand our farewell is on 13 and i'm literally so excited can't wait omg omg omg aND I'M GONNA GO SHOPPING EEEKKKK (my lovely girls are wearing bodycon dresses literally everyone's gonna look so pretty aww ig i'll miss this batch sm)

I ORDERED A VERY PRETTY NECKLACE TODAY HOPEFULLY IT LOOKS THAT PRETTY IN REAL LIFE TOO

mystery murders>>>>the whole world

aYY SO PROUD THAT YOU READ SIX OF CROWS PLS WHO DO YOU SIMP FOR (tbh i simp for all of the crows but kaz inej nina>>>) oh have read shadow and bones series nah cause i really i hate darkling but ✨ben barnes✨ to create darkling ben barnes really said i will take the sad boy//shy boy cuteness of stardust the royal airs of prince caspian the beauty of dorian grey and the sheer hoe energy of billy russo there i said it

pls stop casting hot actors for villians i'm sick and tired of questioning my morals every single day😔🙏

urgg true it did piss me off a little every time aarons blue eyes were mentioned but meh that guy hot asf so okay kinda makes up for it aaron pls choke me

moving on

harrison ostetfield is soo fineeee my fav white boy of the month

now the tea not exactly tea but me ranting about my best friend's sad love life

and since you don't really know any of us in real life i can share shits without feeling judged or fear that you'll tell everyone

remember nyasa? i swear my poor girl has the worse luck when it comes to dating//loving someone. poor baby falls in love with ppl who play with her feelings. so recently she liked a guy and the guy "liked" her back but said that he doesn't want to do relationships bc yk indian science students 🤝 sacrifices he told her friend to take care of her and not let this whole thing mess up her grades. oH AND HE CONFESSED HIS FEELINGS FIRST THO anyways i thought maybe it was right person wrong time bc he genuinely seemed to care for my friend but today (he goes to her coaching classes) she texts me saying that he told his friends that he never liked her and she was so damn sad she wanted to cry but she couldn't bc she's in class :(( my poor baby the fact that this happened 3 times with her really makes me sad bc she's now insecure and doubting herself. i've literally grown up with her seven years of friendship and seeing her question "is something wrong with me" totally breaks my heart :( IT MAKES ME SO MAD THAT PPL THINK IT'S OKAY TO PLAY WITH SOMEONE'S FEELINGS LIKE NOT RECIPROCATING THE FEELINGS IS OKAY BUT PRETENDING TO RECIPROCATE IS NOT OKAY

anyways i love you and stfu ik you'll do great in your exams take care have a lovely weekend<3

-🔮

ps do you wear rings bc if you do 😩🤌💍❓

REPLY UNDER THE CUT CAUSE I RANTED A LOT <3

lmao yes our wedding will literally be too cool for this world. just amazing and GODLIKE

YOU GET GOOD MARKS IN SANSKRIT WO LEARNING BISH GIVE ME YOUR BRAIN RN. but in all fairness, i dont have sanskrit or even hindi shjsh

plss farewell party hits so hard cause I only have one more year with the same people who have been with me from LKG???? kindergarten??? how am i supposed to say goodbye to them?? literally gonna cry so hard.

OMG YES PRETTY NECKLACE FOR A PRETTY HOOMAN!!!

me, along with everyone else, agrees with you on the ben barnes comment cause he really popped off with his acting. no i havent read shadow and bone series yet but ill probably get to it this monthh!! i simp for inej mfing ghafa as well as the disaster that is jesper.

LMAOO okay one fun fact, idky but whenever i read a book i have an idea of what the person looks like in my head rightt. i was watching a lot of personality type videos then so I ENDED UP IMAGINING AARON LIKE THIS DONT ASK ME WHY

hes really funny tho check out his videos.

YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME TOO LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS ASK, IM WRITING A NOVEL FOR YOU HERE

YOU BRING OUT THE BESTIE IN ME.

harrison osterfield looks hot in a very specific model way. like the kind of dude we'll see at a bar and you'll be like ;) and I'll say dudeeeeeee + ends up match making yall.

OKAY NO WAT EVEN NO THIS ISNT EVEN FUNNY THAT TROUPE IS VERY FAMOUS AMONG GUYS IG CAUSE THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME?? one dude said he liked me and a week later he went meh. horrible feeling istg.

tell your friend that it'll feel shit and it will continue to feel like shit but on the plus side, months later, she will go ew when she thinks of him; just like I do now. remember to give nyassa hugs, she's an angel ✨✨

I did not do well. everyone possibly failed in physics cause we were all laughing at how shitty we did.

I DO WEAR RINGS BESTIE SHKDHKSJ DO YOUUU?? CAUSE ID LIKE TO GIVE YOU ONE MORE HERE

[majiniesthings]

¨i still have your phone number memorized even though i haven’t called you since we split and somehow i remembered it even though i’ve had like six shots of bourbon and hey, i know you’re pissed that you’re here at this dingy club at 3 in the morning to pick my drunk ass up, but you have to admit that’s pretty impressive¨ AU ~~ as frostiron. When you're finished I'll prompt you for more of those amazing au's :)

“I'm gonna write a quick angsty drabble”, shesaid. Now, 3294 words later... anyway. Hope ya like it, love, I don'tknow if I do, I'm tired, it's late, I need sleep.

Tony had deleted Loki's number from his contactsweeks ago so he wouldn't get drunk and tempted to do exactly what hewas doing now. Turns out his memory was better than he had givenhimself credit for, because even with Lord knew how many shots he'dhad and at oh-god-o'clock in the morning, he'd managed to type in thefamiliar numbers. It had seemed like a good idea, too, until Loki hadactually picked up.

“Hello?” Groggy, rough from sleep, a littleconcerned. Of course. It wasn't like he got calls in the middle ofthe night all the time. “Who is this?”

“Heyyy.” Tony greeted, drawn-out and a littlegiggly. “Din't think you'd be pickin' up. Din't think I'd get yournumber right, actually.” He slouched in his chair, chin propped upin his hand, and listened to the silence on the other end of theline. “'s 'cause I'm a genius,” he added. “Numbers are nice.Helluva lot easier than people, too.”

There was another moment of silence from Loki. Then:“How many drinks have you had, Anthony?”

Tony hummed contemplatively while he considered thequestion, eyeing the near-empty bourbon in front of him. After a fewseconds, he answered with absolute certainty: “All of 'em.” 

Somewhere behind him, there was a crashing noise and laughter.

“Are you home?”

“Nahhh. 's kind of empty.” Tony traced patternson the wood of his table morosely. “Flat's too big for one person.”His words were slurring together as he spoke, but he couldn't reallybring himself to care.

Loki muttered something under his breath that soundedlike it might be Norwegian. Cursing, probably. There was the rustleof movement, fabric. “Is someone with you?”

“Nah,” he repeated, slouching down in his seat.“Jus' me. An' the bourbon. Tastes like shit, too.” He reached forhis glass, downed the last finger still left and waved an unsteadyhand in the direction of the bartender.

“Where are you?” Loki's tone was clipped, curt,hell, even to Tony it was obvious that the man was pissed, but hehadn't heard his voice in weeksand he'd missed it, damn it. He missed Loki. “Anthony.” Nobodyever called him Anthony. With anyone else, it would annoy him, butLoki made it sound different. “Stop. Tell me where you are, now.”Had he been talking out loud? “Yes, you have.” Loki groaned.“Gods, you're plastered. Anthony, I need to know where you are.”

“Oh,” Tony madeeloquently. “'s the bar– the one you din't like. Said it's got noclass.” He giggled, then hiccuped. “You were right, too, thisplace is a mess. I'm a mess. Loki, I'm a mess.”

“I can hear that.” Asigh, sharp, annoyed, short. “Stay.”

The line went dead.

Tony stared at hisphone for a few moments, letters and numbers blurring, before hedropped it on the table when the waiter placed another shot in frontof him. He snatched the glassimmediately, liquid sloshing out over his fingers when he pulled ittoward him and downed half of it. It burned in his throat and madehis stomach churn and he wanted to cry or throw up or maybe both. Hewas probably going to end up doing both.

He'd been doing both a lotthe past few weeks. Calling Loki, that was new.

“Stupid,” he murmuredunder his breath, dropping his head into his hands. “Fuckin'stupid. Idiot.” They'd kept up radio silence until Tony just had togo and drunk-call his ex. Genius indeed.

Tony wasn't sure how muchtime passed just sitting there, musing and feeling sorry for himself,a finger absently tracing the rim of his glass. He was about to liftit again to drain it, call it a night, go home and wallow in selfpity where he had a bed, when paler, slender fingers wrapped aroundit and set it down out of his reach.

Surprised, he lookedup. Met Loki's eyes, narrowed, lips pressed into a thin line, hairhaphazardly pulled back into a loose bun at the back of his neck,dressed in a loose hoodie andjeans. Looking pissed.

“You're here,”Tony heard himself say, or at least he thought that was what he said.His tongue felt heavy and clumsy inhis mouth, words slurring together.

“Astute as ever,” Lokiresponded. “Up. Come on.” He sounded just as clipped as on thephone, expression unreadable.

Tony beamed at him.“You gotta admit s'impressive,” he slurred while he stumbled tohis feet, steadying himself on the table. “Didn'tthink I'd get enough brain cells together to actually remember yournumber.” He took a step forward and promptly stumbled when theworld started spinning wildly. “You always told me I was smart,”he murmured, muffled by the fabric of Loki's hoodie.

“I'm doubting it rightnow,” Loki muttered, grabbing a hold of Tony's arm to sling it overhis shoulder. The other wrapped around Tony's waist and he leanedinto Loki's side heavily, inhaling deeply.

“I still gotta...”He waved his free hand in thegeneral direction of the bar counter, hoping that Loki could fill inthe missing words.

He felt more thansaw the taller man shake his head. “I covered your tab, just get inthe bloody car. If you throwup on my upholstery, I'm going to make you walk.”

Tony murmureda quiet “charming” beforehe fell silent, eyes half-closed while he let Loki lead him. Heconcentrated on keeping his liquor down. Hereally didn't feel like walking.

He made a quietnoise of protest when Loki more or less dropped him in the passengerseat of his car and went around to get to the other side. Tonyslumped in his seat, head tilted back to stare at the roof of thecar. They'd done thingsin this car, he remembered fondly, things that involved him somehowfolding himself into the space between passenger seat and back seatand Loki's hands in his hair, hushed, breathless praise andencouragement in the air.  

The slam of the driver's side door closing jerked himout of his reverie and he looked over just as Loki glanced at him andheaved a sigh.

“For pity's sake, Anthony.” He leaned over andfor a second, Tony thought he was going to kiss him, tilted his headexpectantly, but then Loki just reached over him to fasten hisseatbelt and then dropped back against his own seat to do the samefor himself.

Of course.

Tony slumped into his seat, arms crossed and a pouton his lips. “I don't wanna go home.”

“Good, because I am not driving across town just todrop you off there,” Loki shot back while he pulled out of theparking lot. “Why did you even bother driving this far to getdrunk? There's enough bars around your block, this was hardlynecessary.”

“We met here.” Tony turned his head, watchedLoki's profile, illuminated every few seconds when they passed undera street light. “You were with Thor an' the other blond guy an' Ipicked a fight with Thor an' you told him he was...”

“I remember,” Loki cut him off, keeping his eyesso fixed on the road it must hurt his head. His knuckles were whiteagainst the steering wheel.

Tony watched for a few seconds, words bubbling up inhis throat, and he meant to keep them to himself, he really did, buthe found himself whispering an “I miss you” anyway.

If possible, Loki's grip seemed to get even tighter.“Don't,” he snapped, sharp, and Tony flinched and turned his headto stare down at his hands in his lap.

“Loki, I'm sor–”

“I said don't,”Loki cut him off again.

This time, helistened. They spent the rest of the brief ride in icy silence, Tonytwiddling his thumbs  andpicking at his nails, eyes falling shut every so often before a holein the road made him jerk awake again. He was feeling tired andnauseous and ten more kinds of miserable, especially knowing thatLoki was right here and Tony had screwed up, he'd screwed up so bad–

He stayed silentwhile Loki got him out of the car and up the stairs to his apartment,half-dragging Tony along as he went, andonly when they were at thedoor to the flat and Loki was fumbling with his keys did Tony curlinto him further, burying his face in the other man's neck. He couldfeel Loki tense slightly, but then the door was clicking open and hewas being hauled inside.

“Alright, get onthe couch,” Loki commanded, attempting to dislodge Tony's hold onhim, but Tony just threw his other arm around Loki's shoulders aswell and breathed in deeply, face still tucked against Loki'sshoulder. “Anthony. Get off of me. Geton the bloody couch.”

“No,” hemuttered, slightly muffled, and then “no”with more determination, andhe wasn't sure whatbroke the dam but suddenly he was talking, babbling.“Look, Lokes, I knowI fucked up, I'm sorry, I didn't know how to– I don't know, Ican't–”

“Anthony, stop.”For the first time, Loki's cold, annoyed demeanour cracked, togetherwith his voice. “Quit it.”

Tony clung to hishoodie tighter in response, shoulders shaking and breath coming inshort, hitched gasps. “Please, Lokes, 'm sorry, really, I–please, lemme fixthis, I love you, I do, I swear, andI shouldn't've run, but I don't know how this, I don't know how to–”

“Shhhh,” Lokimade, and it sounded soft,almost sweet, and then he was wrapping his arms around Tony andslender fingers were carding through his hair gently. “Hush,darling. Shh.” He kept up the soothing, repetitive motion and letTony cry, messy andugly and with tears soaking his hoodie, while Tony chided himself forever, ever lettingthis go in the first place. “Let's get you to bed, come on,” Lokimurmured in his ear, quietly.

“Please,” Tony chokedout, not sure what he was asking for, tightening his grip. He turnedhis head to the side, pressed a kiss to Loki's neck and felt himfreeze. Placed another kiss right under his jaw, got onto histip-toes to reach his cheek–

Yelped in shock whenLoki shoved him away forcefully enough that his back hit the wallbehind him.“I told you tostop,” he hissed through clenched teeth. “You're drunk, I am nottouching you when you're like this, get in the bedroom.” With that,he turned on his heel and disappeared toward the kitchen.  

Tonystayed where he was, let his head drop back against the wall with hiseyes squeezed shut. Stupid,he chided himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Heshould have never called Loki, he shouldn't have let himself betempted like this, shouldn't just have assumed that Loki wanted himback–

The way to thebedroom, achingly familiar, was made in small, stumbling steps andTony wanted to cry again when his face hit the pillow and he inhaledslowly, basking in Loki's scent while he blearily kicked off hisshoes and curled up on top of the covers. He was exhausted, had beenfor weeks now. He was ready to crash, already half-asleep a fewseconds after he'd closed his eyes.

Distantly, he heardLoki enter the room and set something down on the night stand firmly.“Drink,” he ordered. Then, quieter: “For heaven's sake.” Tonyfelt a hand on his shoulder, turning him around, then a glass wasbeing pushed to his lips and he obediently parted them, draining theglass and spilling surprisingly little of it.

He thought he feltLoki's lips pressing against his hair for a moment after he'd droppedback into the pillow, but it was probably his imagination, and hesuddenly felt too worn out to care.  

…

Tonywoke with a low, pounding headache and a feeling in his mouth likesomething small had curled up and died there. He muffled his groaninto his pillow and considered rolling over and going back to sleep,but he spotted a glass of water and painkillers on the night standwhen he reluctantly blinked his eyes open, so he sighed and draggedhimself up, downing two of the little pills and emptying the glasscompletely.

Herubbed a hand over his face while he willed the effects to kick inquickly, swinging his legs out of the bed. Yesterday'sclothes,he noted absently. Classy.Far from being awake, he shuffled into the bathroom, and plucked histoothbrush out of its holder, determined to get the foul taste out ofhis mouth.

Itwas only halfway through brushing his teeth, staring at himself inthe mirror, that he realised thatwasn't his mirror.It hadn't been his bed, either.

“Ohgod,” he muttered, mouth full, and numbly bent down torinse. “Oh, god.” He splashed some cold water in his face, ranhis wet hands through his hair to get it into some semblance oforder, and then met his own gaze in the mirror, cheeks red withhumiliation. “You fucking moron,” he told himself.

Hedried his hands and face off with a towel and straightened hisclothes as best as he could. Fiddled with the buttons of his shirt.Stroked some more stray strands of hair back, washed out the sink,wondered why Loki hadn't thrown his toothbrush out two months ago.

Whenhe realised he was stalling, putting off the inevitable, he forcedhimself to straighten up and take a breath.

Hewas a fucking mess without Loki. It was pathetic.

Bitingthe inside of his cheek, he stepped back into the bedroom, gatheringup his shoes from where he'd kicked them off, and then slowly steppedout into the living room.

Lokiwas curled in his armchair, in the hoodie and pants he'd worn lastnight, hair let down and glasses perched on his nose. There was abook on his knees and a mug of hot chocolate, probably cold by now,on the table next to him. He didn't look up.

“Hey,”Tony greeted softly. Awkwardly.

“Morning,”Loki returned, still not lifting his gaze. His voice was quiet andguarded. “Did you find the painkillers?”

Tonycleared his throat quietly. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“Good.You know your way out.”

Heflinched at the clear, harsh dismissal, shifting on his feet for aminute. A great part of him was tempted to just turn tail and run,but he'd done that the last time and he could see where it had gottenhim. He needed to dosomething.

“Loki,look, I'm sorry for the way that I–”

“Idon't want to hear it,” Loki interrupted him, still not looking up,sounding strained, tight. “You know where the door is, Anthony, youhad no trouble finding it last time.”

Yeah,he'd probably deserved that one. “I know I wasn't being fair –”

“Youweren't being fair?” Loki echoed, and now he did look up. For thefirst time, Tony noticed the dark shadows under his eyes and hispaler-than-usual skin tone, found himself wondering if Loki had sleptat all after picking him up. The sound of his book snapping shutcracked through the room like a whip, making Tony flinch. “That'sone way of putting it, yes.” Loki got up from the chair, takingslow steps toward him. “You could have at least had the decencyto talk to me, you know, instead of just cuttingme offlikeI'm some... some...” He stopped halfway through the room, running ahand through his hair and shaking his head. “I'm not doing this.Getout.”

Tonystepped forward, a little defiant. “Come on, Lokes, you gottalisten to me at least.”

“Iwould have listened to you!” Loki snapped. “I would have listenedif you had talkedto me, instead of running off – you didn't answer your phone, youchangedthe keytoyour bloodyapartment,we had radiosilence.I resorted to asking your friends because I was worried sick. Thefirst sign of life I received from you in over two months was adrunkenphone call!” His voice cracked on the last word and he drew a shakybreath, turning away from Tony, who stood rooted to his spot, shoesstill in hand.

Fora few seconds, the only sound in the room was Loki's quick, hitchedbreathing. Then, Tony shook himself out of his stupor. He set hisshoes down gingerly and then padded across the room on his sockedfeet, approachingLoki and very carefully resting his hands on the other man's waist.When Loki didn't immediately shake him off, Tony stepped a littlecloser, fitting himself against Loki's back and wrapping his armsaround his waist completely.

Loki'ssigh sounded almost resigned.

“Ifreaked,” Tony began hesitantly, murmuring into the back of Loki'shoodie. “I... you have more stuff at mine than over here, I knowthat for a fact, I've been wearing your hoodies, and I have enough ofmy things hereto last me a few days, and– and we basically live together most ofthe time and it is so fucking weirdto wake up without you and we can tell each other 'I love you'without freaking out and I guess I just... I realised how goddamncommittedweare and I got scared I was gonna fuck up because it actually meanssomethingthis time around–”

“Youdid,” Loki interjected, and Tony ground to a halt, blinking inconfusion.

“Huh?”

“Fuckup. You did. You fucked up.” His shoulders were shaking and Tonyhoped to god that it was with laughter.

“GuessI did,” he muttered, then cleared his throat. “I was trying toget to a point here.”

“Praytell, what was it?” There was a trace of his usual sarcasm inLoki's voice and Tony almost cried with relief.

Tonybreathed in deeply, closing his eyes while he leaned his cheekagainst Loki's back. “The point being, I thought it was gonna bebetter if I pull out of this before doing it gets worse and evenharder later and I realised it was stupid a few days into it but Ididn't know how to tell you what was going on, I didn't know if Icould face you without panicking again, and so I kept up the radiosilence which was a dick move, I get it, but...”

“Yourpoint, Anthony,” Loki reminded him gently, and Tony nodded jerkily.

“Yeah.Yeah. Well, basically, my point is that I was being stupid and thatI'd never, everwant to not have you in my life, and I know you have every right tobe pissed at me and if I fuck up again you can kick me out and I'lldeserve it but I'd like a second chance please?” He'd gottenquicker the longer he talked, words tumbling out of his mouth in whatwas hopefully the correct order, and now he was holding his breathwhile he felt Loki's chest shake with a silent laugh. God, he hopedit was a laugh and he hadn't made him cry.

Hefelt more than saw Loki raise a hand to wipe at his face while hetook a slow, unsteady breath.

“Youare buying me dinner tonight,” Loki announced eventually and Tonythought he was going to sob with relief. “And if I hear youcomplaining about your hangover, I'm leaving.”

“That'sfair,” he agreed immediately, a little choked up. “Yeah. Okay.Let's do dinner.”

[myvelouri]

I'm having a slight break down. This is going to be way too personal

If anyone is allowed to hate their life (trust me there's a lot of people who are) then it's definitely me.

I'll tell you why. First of all, why should I care about this? I say that to myself, but I care a lot anyway.

I've never really been able to have sex like normal. As in, my body just fucking sucks and does weird shit. So, I've said it before. If I have sex or masturbate for more than 2 weeks, my skin suddenly becomes really oily and I get these hard bumps that eventually turn into fat ass PIMPLES and often times cysts. And yeah, they have scarred my face permanently. I get this on my fave, my back, bottom and arm pits. If I stay abstinent and don't jerk off or ANYTHING, I have the most perfect skin. (The permanent scars are still of course there and many have accumulated). And I just feel like this isn't supposed to happen, this isn't supposed to be real, doctors say it's impossible, yet it's happening to me and it's dead ass real. I've done many experiments and changed the variables like a science project, and it WAS one. I can prove this happens to me. But it's not about you believing me. I'm extremely... Heart broken that this is happening at all. My heart starts to shake. Because this seems unrealistic. Still, 15 years later. I still have to deal with this. To cope, I tell myself, well, other people just have acne ALL the time without being able to stop it, but me? I know what triggers it, and I don't have acne at all, but if I don't have sex as much as I want to, then I'm good to go. But my god it's such torture. It truly is. All of my ex's and past FWB actually ARE aware of this "condition" I have. They seem to be totally baffled by it too, and how real it is.

And it affects not just my own sense of freedom and enjoyment... But my god, when your girl is horny and she wants to fuck your brains out and you have to say "I'm sorry babe, I just can't... I can't right now, it'll be bad for me" it hurts the relationship wether she says "okay babe, I understand" or not. It just does.

And on top of all that, my dick size pisses me off. I'm 6'2", my dick should be huge. But it ain't. And here's another kicker, I can't fucking get hard. Imagine a 20 year with a fuck ass dick. Yeah, hi, that's me.

Although I stopped any kind of masturbation and porn for months at a time and it totally helped my erection.. it felt so fucking horrible. Wasting months and years of my life unable to just whack off or have fun having sex with someone I like and likes me.

It's cruel. It's so fucking cruel.

But to make myself feel fucking better, I tell myself, "hey, at least I wasn't born a pedophile, imagine how much worse that would be." And yeah. That doesn't even make me feel better anymore

My heart is racing now, as I type this.

My face in scars, my body just awful.

There's also the fact that I have a condition, a oral one, so, my mouth and jaws never fully properly formed growing up, and my face grew elongated and basically gave me a perma-derpy face. Picture Napoleon Dynamite, but brown, and fat. That's what the fuck happenened to me. It's a common condition. And you can see my school pictures every year from kindergartner to 5th grade and watch my face degrade and retard. It's fascinating to see. But I used to be a beautiful fuckin kid. This condition made me so ugly. I remember before I had it. In kindergarten and before, I have memories of girls all over me saying I was so cute. Girls asked me to marry them in kindergarten. But a few years later, those same girls didn't recognize me. It was traumatic for me. Big time. In fact, my heart is racing even faster right now. I'm gonna take a sip of my alcohol real quick.

Okay. So, on top of all that, I was a heavy kid. Well, luckily for me I'm a smarty pants and I was able to lose all my weight by 14 years old. Super skinny. But guess what? I have loose skin. It's rather mild but my god I cannot wear tight shirts at all. It's awful. I never take my shirt off in public. I've been working out and I can look decent in pictures in a few poses. But it's still horrendous in real life. You can see stretch marks too. I don't mind those.

But yeah. I've never felt free. I still have that insecurity and I usually try to hide my body if the wind is pushing my shirt into my body. I get anxiety and start sweating. It's just mental. I can't stop it, I can't okay?

And here's another thing. I was always really intelligent, very quick, and extremely funny. I used to be the class clown in my classes and even in my family (I have tons of relatives) and I used to be so popular on both of those social scenes. It was incredible. Girls would like me for my personality but wouldn't date or fuck me because they said I looked too ugly and goofy. Yeah, let me tell you, that took a long time to be okay with. I'm not okay with it still, but I won't cry anymore about it. So yeah, my brain, the only thing I cherished. I was amazing at video games, above average in everything I did, I used to help out my friends and family in video games and they'd be so impressed, they'd love me so much. I'd play online and people would go nuts at my skills, even when playing multiplayer games with family actually, I'd do some crazy fast reaction shots in shooters that was fucking incredible. I used to play professionally with a team I had too. I was looked up to in many ways. I was told that too. And so I loved my brain. I remember the quality of life, being capable of joking around, and it was so much fun, what a great gift of life. I'd joke around nonstop, riff with everyone, and I'd always be the one to win and end up making everyone crack up. Wow. That was FUN. It made life worth living and is why I absolutely adore comedy. But... I suddenly was hit with depression. I isolated myself. And slowly, my brain started to deteriorate. I have lost all of my big personality, humor (most of it is gone) my quickness, I'm terrible at games, my brain functions very slowly, I'm terrible at socializing (I used to dominate) and I can't study or pass classes like I used to (I used to with ease) and I can't remember things or memorize things at all anymore. Depression is slowly killing my brain, year by year. It's even worse now.

And now I'm finally old. I have nothing, can't do anything. My depression isn't mild. It was originally diagnosed as "severe depression" and it has killed me, who I am. The real me ain't here. I try not to say that as it makes my sister cry. But I died a long time ago. I'm just a shadow of my former self trying to make the best of whatever is left for me here. I have strong opinions on things, and I can't fucking even care anymore.

The worst part is just waking up. Every day. I hate thinking. But it's all my brain makes me do. And it's not even good at it anymore like I used to be. I wish it would stop. I'm scared to buy a gun. I was getting one for sport. To shoot targets. Not to kill anyone. I mean, it's good for self defense. But I just wanted it for sport. But I'm afraid. Because I think I really would shoot myself in the head eventually. I am so scared of that.

I'm tired.

I'm so very tired.