#And I'm terrified to make decisions that are big enough to actually effect the change I need

[vaguebloggingextreme]

Also, objectively knowing that i have trouble with communicating and maintaining boundaries that I need to emotionally be ok because growing up my boundaries (that I very clearly communicated) were constantly ignored because people thought it was funny and actually trying to figure out how to put those boundaries there now without feeling guilty or like it's a waste of time is a fucking struggle too.

[lunzoic]

After finally beating the game...

Big spoilers for Scalet/Violet ending!...

I think I'm echoing a lot of other people's sentiments when I say 'Huh, so that's where half the budget went'. I don't even mean that in a salty way, I'm just kind of baffled that there's such a strong contrast between the effort that went into this final area and the rest of the game. I seriously underestimated how much there was going to be too since the Pokemon tradition is that post Elite-Four content is kinda lacking, and the only hint that Area Zero was not 'postgame' was that credits had not rolled yet. I was really expecting Area Zero to just be an afterthought, similar to the usual optional postgame dungeons. Or like Ultraspace, in which: you go there, leave after having one big fight, and optionally come back later to find more ultrabeasts. And instead we got a fairly expansive dungeon that both contains the really cool paradox pokemon as well as like, the game's entire narrative weight, interesting character interactions, a big fight I was definitely not expecting, and all the actual intriguing plot elements in one ultra-concentrated dose. I actually prefer a fantastic ending to mediocre game rather than the other way around, it's just very surprising to see it happen when the opposite is so common. And yeah some of that perception is filtered by the bar of expectations being set so low by the rest of the game, and of course it was by no means a perfect ending. The jank still allows you to accidentally skip if you jump off certain cliffs, the scripted encounters with paradox Pokemon are just ok, and navigating Area Zero without Ko/Miraidon can be a pain if you take a wrong turn. But the pacing, the dialogue, the way the characters play off each other, the gradual reveals, and the whole final fight was actually incredibly well done. And it makes me feel a little sad to see that the dev team was clearly capable of making great story-driven game segments, but that it was only at the very ending of the game that they really got to flex those creative muscles. I feel like it's also created a weird dichotomy of people who could not abide the jank and put the game down or decided not to buy it in the first place/refunded it and the people who stuck it out to the end and got an unexpectedly quality finish. Good for us I guess? I definitely would have lost interest a lot sooner had friends who finished the game not given clues that they really enjoyed the ending...

More specific ending spoilers and commentary: Having an AI character being aware of having their own will being overridden was equal parts fucked up, heartbreaking, terrifying, and really effective. The way they're clearly fighting against it even as they taunt you, their whole speech about freedom and treasure, that moment when they seem to intentionally succumb to the programmed will in order to sincerely tell Arven that the original professor loved him (oh my FUCKING god)... Now THAT'S how you break the mold in terms of creating a different narrative hook than the usual formula! For me it really did retroactively change the feeling of the entire game, knowing that the 'professor' who started you on your whole journey was actually patiently waiting for you to become strong enough to venture into area zero and do what but their programming did not allow them to do. That they were vicariously enjoying every step of your adventure along the way, because their very nature as an area zero anomaly meant they could never leave themselves. Their final decision to send themselves to the past/future in order to disable the time machine, while kind of cheesy and nonsensical, was something that they willed with their own heart and wholly defied the original professor's wishes. That in their vast intellect they decided to stake the future on a bunch of teenagers is still pretty goofy but hey, it's Pokemon. Like a lot of people I did suspect that there would be some sort twist with the professor, but I did not expect THIS, nor did I expect a Pokemon game to handle a sympathetic AI character in a really emotional and interesting way. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised given that Pokemon as a franchise has had various created/artificial beings who are treated sympathetically? But it does also kind of highlight once again that the game feels kind of hodge-podge in regards to what audience it's catering to, due to the entire game feeling hand-holdy and kid-friendly in its appeal and then... that entire ending happens. I can imagine some kids not even being able to finish the game, not even due to difficulty spike but because of finding the Arven and robo professor story too scary and sad. On the other hand, Pokemon at its roots has always some pretty damn heavy themes, so I guess this could also just be considered a return to form? Pokemon themselves being fully sentient creatures forced to serve their masters no matter what, the entire arc of Mewtwo being created and then destroying its own lab... I remember finding those too sad to contemplate as a kid so I kind of just. Didn't. But those aspects were never really explored to the depth they could have been within the main game's stories (I do know the movies/anime/comics have darker storylines, but those are all 'extended lore' as far as the games are concerned). So this is the first time where elements like the death of a main character and having the villain be a human (in appearance) ally with explicitly programmed loss of will who doesn't want to turn against you are THIS front and center in the story of a main series game. And it was actually done pretty emotionally and effectively, so I do applaud the decision to take a risk and make a more mature storyline happen at all.

And yes, it is not lost on me that both a reluctant final boss and the subtle use of the menu interface in the finale are reminiscent of ah... a certain other game? I might be seeing stronger connections than I should due the killer music contribution by Toby, and I don't really care if it was intentional or not, but I'm just really happy to see any game make use of those tropes to great effect.

[xiyao-feels]

Finally got around to writing down some thoughts on the differences between Empathy and the original—per scene and then a general reflection.

Episode 10

(episode 10 differences)

Going through this chronologically, our first comparison is the captain encounter. Honestly I think NMJ was straight-up inventing most of this—even aside from the sheer absurdity of MY, what, smuggling XY out of prison, bringing him into the middle of everything (he runs into the Captain and friend AND WWX!), XY…just going back into prison…well, anyway, putting all that aside—the Captain's questions here seem like NMJ's preoccupations, not the Captain's. The Captain is hugely contemptuous of MY, but he's not, like, obsessed with his innermost heart, you know? "You're lying! I just saw that. You were talking. Tell me honestly. What's your ulterior motive?"—that's NMJ, not the Captain at all. Plus there's the way the Captain grabs MY basically the exact same way NMJ does. 

Next up there's MY telling NHS he's going to go check on XY—minor phrasing differences aside, one thing that's interesting is we don't get all of MY's reaction/decision before he tells NHS in Empathy, just the tail end:

Ahhhh, now, the bit where NMJ sees MY stab the captain! You can see here the beginning of a pattern of Empathy erasing the Wen. MY throwing himself in front of the blade to save NMJ is removed, of course, but so is NMJ fighting WZL, as he was before going to the prison in episode 10; in the Empathy he's just kind of standing there. And then sees MY, uh, creepily pick up a sword??? And follows him??? Instead of hearing that XY's escaped and running to the prison because of that, which is of course what happened in episode 10. (So XY is erased some in this scene, too; even when it comes to MY's excuses, he says It wasn't me, but we don't get to 'Xue Yang killed him', as we do in the original.)

Some other points of interest here… Of course the expression NMJ sees on MY as MY kills the captain is only shown in Empathy. Interestingly, also, while MY is quite clearly terrified at NMJ's approach in both, in episode 10 it's presented immediately, while in the Empathy he has a beat before he starts reacting that way.

The last scene—NMJ confronting MY and kicking him out of Qinghe. In the Empathy, we start with MY having been thrown onto the floor, rolling—but this isn't there in episode 10, and to be honest I think it probably didn't actually happen. First, while I can see NMJ throwing MY onto the floor, I don't actually think he'd throw him quite that hard at this point in time? And it's also got a lot of visual echoes of JGY rolling down the stairs; I think he's projecting backwards. Of course, it still takes MY longer to recover in episode 10; Empathy consistently minimizes the physical harm done to MY.

So the conversation is interesting because it's really just two different conversations in the Empathy vs episode 10. In episode 10, MY leads with the Captain's abuse of him, and he's clear that it's habitual, ongoing, long-term. In Empathy, he leads with the Captain releasing XY, /adds in/ that the Captain wanted to kill him (that's not there in episode 10!), and absolutely skips over and minimizes the abuse: the beatings aren't mentioned, the credit-stealing isn't mentioned, the insulting and humiliating… even the 'Every time' is removed from before the 'he humiliated my mother', making it seem like this was a one-off provocation instead of habitual. NMJ's somewhat unhinged rant about MY's motives, including the would you have killed everyone at the cave if I hadn't helped you, is also Empathy-only (and then when MY starts to reply NMJ is like, Don't lie to me! and MY shuts up, suggesting perhaps that a denial would have been lying, which may be part of why people think this is a remotely reasonable assertion).

Some other interesting things—in episode 10, we see NMJ lift his sabre and then lower it, unable to go through with it; in Empathy, we don't see that at all—in general I think there's less of a sense that he's struggling with his decision, in Empathy, it's more just like He Is Doing The Righteous Justice. Fascinatingly we also don't see him put Baxia away in Empathy—I think he must because we see a scene where he already had, in episode 10, but we don't actually see it. We also don't see MY, injured, get up and thank NMJ and walk out, or indeed NMJ's conflicted gaze after him; the scene cuts off too soon.

Episode 22

(episode 22 differences)

There's only one scene for episode 22: the WRH, NMJ, and MY scene, inside Sun Palace. Right off the bat, we have the Wen erasure again; the episode 22 scene starts with WRH directly addressing NMJ and tormenting him and his Nie cultivators, whereas the Empathy one only starts when MY walks in. (Although interestingly MY addresses WRH as xiandu, while he doesn't seem to say anything with his bow in episode 22).

This one is an interesting scene because there's relatively little overlap? In the episode 10 scenes, you mostly saw different versions of the same events; in this one there's some of that, but there are also large chunks of time that are only in episode 22 or only in Empathy. Most of the MY-interacting-with-NMJ is only in Empathy, including, yes, the damn sabre touch. But we do have the beginning of MY talking to NMJ in both. MY's expression is different in Episode 22 vs Empathy—it's a little hard to capture in a still, but it's a lot more, mmm, simpering-mockery in the Empathy version?

Ah, one detail that's interesting—so, in CQL—which is to say in Empathy because we don't see this sequence at all in Episode 22—when that Nie cultivator calls the place 'a den of Wen' he uses 温/温氏, for Wen, and then when people are insulting MY in this scene they're using 走狗. But in MDZS all of those are actually 温狗, Wen-dog. Which is definitely more directly disrespectful to WRH than the 走狗 insults, but I feel like in general CQL doesn't use 温狗 a lot, while in MDZS it's all over the place—so while it's an interesting detail I'm not sure it's suggestive for Empathy in particular. Hmmm.

We return to things being shown in both Empathy and Episode 22 with NMJ shoving MY back. In Empathy, we only see MY stagger a little, while in episode 22 it's quite considerable—again, Empathy's tendency to minimize the physical damage MY suffers.

And then MY kicks NMJ in return! Okay this is actually fascinating, because in Empathy, it looks like this totally wipes NMJ out, and the scene stops here. But that isn't at all what happened! He's knocked onto his back, yes, BUT he recovers and comes up and shoves MY hard enough he goes flying: 

He gets up and goes to attack MY, and would probably have killed him if WRH hadn't interfered. Which, don't get me wrong, is entirely reasonable of him given his understanding of the situation but it is not at all the impression you'd get from Empathy. If anything NMJ's collapse in the Empathy after MY kicks him looks like the collapse he has after WRH finishes with him, in episode 22. And MY saying How dare you be so rude in front of Clan Leader Wen when he kicks NMJ is also removed—the whole sequence here is really another example of the removal of the Wen from the Empathy scenes. 

Incidentally, MY didn't actually kill all the Nie cultivators, in this scene. If you look while MY is flying back, at least one of them is still alive:

And then you can see all four are dead while NMJ's attacking WRH:

But MY has been on the floor recovering from NMJ's attack, so he definitely didn't kill the at least one and quite probably two who are still alive.

WRH asks MY if NMJ killed Wen Xu question; you have MY staying quite noticeably silent, which I think is still meant to be understood as MY saving NMJ's life. I guess they changed it because the MDZS version really doesn't work with the flow of events as happens in CQL? For the record, in MDZS MY answers yes, but then immediately suggests that they torture him instead of killing him immediately, and then once WRH isn't set on killing him immediately, kills WRH on the spot and starts lugging NMJ's unconscious body out of there. So there's no WWX for distraction, and Sunshot's army definitely isn't right outside, there's only LXC he sent a message to and who hasn't quite shown up yet—so in MDZS he's taking a bigger risk, and more unambiguously saving NMJ's life and winning them the war. Which is not, to be clear, to in any way minimize CQL MY's astonishing bravery and achievements.

Episode 23

(episode 23 differences)

So in both we start with LXC holding NMJ and looking down at him. In episode 23, when NMJ sees MY, we see LXC see and notice his reaction and /then/ look over at MY in concern, whereas in Empathy we don't get that moment—it just goes to both of them looking at MY.

NMJ demands his sabre back, and in both MY complies, though in the Empathy one he takes a beat longer and looks more worried about it. In the original, MY also has "Let me explain" which is dropped from the Empathy.

In both we have NMJ attacking MY with Baxia, and trying to get past Shuoyue—in the Empathy it's a bit shorter, though, and we also lose LXC asking NMJ what he's doing this for. I think that goes with cutting LXC seeing NMJ react before he looks over at MY, above; the effect is to make NMJ's response seem more obvious/natural, when in fact LXC is pretty baffled by it at the time.

"he became the Wen's underling and had been helping the tyrant at Nevernight!"—the language on 'became the Wen's underling' is actually different in episode 23 vs Empathy. In episode 23, you have 原来投靠了温氏; in Empathy, though, it's 原来是做了走狗. Note the 走狗 as earlier!

Okay, and now the big one: LXC giving NMJ reasons they should trust MY/not kill him. Empathy cuts most of this. It keeps that MY is the one who sent the map, but it drops: that the reason LXC is here today is because MY sent him a message; that MY was the one who schemed to get WRH's guard down, and then /killed him/; that MY was the one who saved LXC's life after CR burned; and that MY independently approached WRH to spy on him and has been sending LXC letters the whole time. /That's really not trivial. That's a lot to cut./

I wonder if this has any relation to the common idea that LXC did not in fact have a lot of very good reasons to trust JGY.

(Incidentally it's after the MY killed WRH reveal, in episode 23, that NMJ lowers his blade.)

...also. so. In episode 23 LXC asks MY, you know, didn't he already tell NMJ about all this (a question which makes a lot more sense in MDZS, where NMJ has already woken up before LXC joins them, but I just run with it), and MY says, you saw it ZWJ, even if I had he wouldn't have believed me. And NMJ—again it's kind of hard to capture in a still, but he pretty much reacts like he thinks that's ridiculous and MY is just making excuses/being manipulative?

And then of course that gets erased from the Empathy, as well as as just mentioned most of the reasons LXC actually gave. So. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh, this also means it cuts what I'm pretty sure is the first on-screen use of A-Yao—it does show up later in the Empathy version of this scene, so I don't think that's hugely significant, but just as a note.

Then there's MY kneeling in preparation for apology, which is in both Empathy and episode 23. The Empathy cuts make it seem like he kneels pretty much right after NMJ lowers his blade, though, and we don't get to see him making the deliberate choice to step out if LXC's protection to kneel—again, I think it makes LXC seem more understanding of NMJ than he actually is here.

The apology proper is only in Empathy; honestly it mostly seems fairly reasonable to me, although it does mean you only hear LXC saying "But I believe, when he was doing such things, deep in his heart he must have been…" after the version that cuts most of his reasons for believing that. In terms of actual changes, I wonder if LXC reacted more quickly/strongly to the bit where it looks like NMJ is actually going to kill MY? It's definitely more understated than his previous reactions, and it would fit with the other changes made.

Last scene: the oath. At this point I think it's fairly well-known that NMJ looking at JGY, and LXC turning his head to look at them both, is only in Empathy—there's also, maybe?, a small change to the text; in episode 23, "Both God and people will be furious with us" is 天人��怒, but in Empathy it's 天人共戮. I say maybe because—on the one hand, the subs definitely use a different character, and it's in both the YT subs and the Netflix subs even though those aren't always 100% identical, but while I'm not usually checking the audio for this I did here because it's just the one character and the audio pretty much sounds the same to me? (ep 23) (Empathy) Could just be my ear, or a mistake on the subs' part or the audio part, who knows.

Overview

Looking at all the changes together, a few patterns emerge.

First, people who are doing damage who aren't JGY—the Wen, XY—tend to get minimized or erased from the narrative. Similarly and to some extent as a result, the harm caused by JGY is exaggerated; also similarly, the good that JGY does is also minimized or erased. Meanwhile, the damage done /to/ JGY is minimized—both the environment of abuse he suffered at Qinghe, and the physical harm done to him, which he usually recovers from much more quickly in Empathy (even when the attack itself is made stronger as, unusually, it is in the confrontation where NMJ kicks MY out of Qinghe). Finally MY is made more manipulative than he necessarily is; while I'm not saying he's never being manipulative, NMJ understands his expressions of weakness as /purely/ manipulative and inherently false, when in fact the weakness MY expresses is very real, however calculated, or not!, its expression may be.

Honestly—in this JGY who does way more harm and way less good than he actually does, who is more powerful and experiences less damage than he actually does, who is never actually weak but only acting that way to manipulate people? I feel like I'm seeing a lot of where popular takes on JGY come from.

[lovato-demid]

And Babies Make 4 (April 7) | Remi

Rian: Over the course of the last week, Rian had spent more time doing live streams and video chats than ever before. It had been a tough decision to not do any kind of promo tour, or plan an actual tour for the new album that they had just released, but he knew with Demi so very pregnant and they babies supposed to be here any day now, he wouldn't want to be anywhere but here with her. He had spent the morning outside washing the truck and just now headed back inside to grab something to drink. "Babe? I was thinking we could order in dinner tonight, what do you say?" he called from the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and uncapping it to take a sip.

Demi: Demi was so over being pregnant. She was uncomfortable all the time, she couldn't see her feet anymore, and was starting to get massive cramps. She heard Rian talking to her from the kitchen, and managed to get herself off the couch so she didn't have to yell. As she walked into the kitchen, another cramp hit and she felt a rush of water fall at her feet. "Um...babe?" she said calmly as she walked into the kitchen. "I think we need to order dinner at the hospital. I'm pretty sure my water just broke and the cramps I've been feeling all day are contractions." Another cramp hit, this one much stronger than any of the others. She grabbed onto the door frame and yelled out in pain.

Rian: Rian was one-handedly closing the fridge when Demi almost waddled into the kitchen. "Why would we have dinner at the hospi- oh." The realization of what she was actually saying took a second to sink in, and then Rian's eyes widened. "Holy shit," he cursed, putting the bottle of water on the counter before even taking a sip. The babies were coming... He tried to stay calm, but on the inside he was freaking out a little. He had struggled to picture this day, always kind of seeming unreal to him, but now here he was grabbing the bag that they had prepared in the bedroom. On his way back to Demi he almost stumbled over the dogs as he texted Alex to let him know and ask him to care for the dogs. "Alright, Alex will be coming over here later to feed the dogs, now uh.. come on, babe." Rian wrapped an arm around her in a desperate attempt to sooth her in any way as he lead her out to the car.

Demi: Demi watched as the reality of what was happening, hit Rian. Their babies were coming, and Demi was both excited and absolutely terrified. She managed to sit in one of the chairs at the table while Rian ran to ge their go back. She started laughing when he nearly tripped over the dogs. "Baby. Breath." she chuckled. She managed to get back up and let Rian help her out to the car. "We may want to put a towel on the seat. My pants are wet." she suggested, knowing he had just washed the truck.

Rian: Rian paused to take a breath, but he couldn't stop his nerves from pushing him to go. "Towel, yes." He hurried back inside to grab one and cover the seat with it before helping Demi in. On his way around to the drivers seat, the drummer took anoter deep breath. "Alright, let's uh.. get you to the hospital." He reached over to take her hand and give it a squeeze, before looking back and backing out of the driveway and onto the road.

Demi: It was kind of cute, how nervous Rian was. As soon as they were both in the car, she smiled as Rian took her hand. His hand was practically shaking in hers which made her chuckle. "Babe. It's gonna be okay. Look at me, I'm fine. It's just contractions." she said, trying to ease his nerves. "I'm going to text our mom's, and Selena." Another contractions washed over her but she didn't want to spook Rian while he was driving so she focused on her breathing and did her best to not let him know she was in pain.

Rian: It was almost ridiculous thinking about it, how Demi tried to calm him down while she was the one in actual pain and not just battling the nerves. "Okay, yes," Rian said with a nod. He reached over while he was driving, resting his hand on her knee momentarily before taking her hand again. "We're almost there," he murmured. He was probably speeding a little bit, they made it to the hospital quickly, and alright. "This is really happening," Rian muttered, more to himself once they were inside the building.

Demi: Demi texted both their moms and Selena letting them all know they were on the way to the hospital. She had called her doctor when she was waiting for Rian to get the go bag, so she was at the hospital, waiting for them when they arrived. "How far apart AR the contractions?" the doctor asked as Demi got into the waiting wheelchair. "About ten minnnUTESSSS." Demi answered as another contraction hit. "MOTHER FUCKER THIS HURTS!"

Rian: Rian almost jumped a little when Demi yelled out in pain, and he moved beside her to place a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, babe," he murmured. He was feeling a little guilty now, especially since he couldn't exactly do anything to take the pain away. Reaching for her hand, Rian offered his for her to squeeze.

Demi: "Remember your breathing, Demi." the doctor reminded her as she wheeled the expecting mother down the hall. A nurse was waiting for them in the room and helped Demi out of the chair. "Why don't you get changed into a gown and then we'll see where you're at." the doctor told her before stepping out of the room. "Just crack the door open when you're ready. My name is Annie. Please let me know if you need anything." the nurse said with a big smile. "Thanks Annie." Demi said as she started taking off her jacket. Once they were alone in the room, Demi turned to Rian who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. She pulled he shirt off and stood in front of him. "Babe...unhook this Damn bra and help me get my pants pants off." she told him calmly. As soon as she was undressed, and had the hospital gown on, she had Rian help her up onto the bed before cracking the door open. The nurse came in almost immediately and brought Demi a warm blanket. "The doctor will be right in." Annie said with a soft smile. She set up a tray of instruments and set the off to the side. "All set?" the doctor asked as she walked into the room? "Let's see how far we are." She put on a pair of gloves as she walked over to Demi. "Why don't you slide down, knees bent and open. I'm going to check your cervix." Demi slid down on the table as best as she could. "That's great. Drop your knees open if you can." the doctor said, placing a hand gently on Demi's knee. "Perfect. Let's see...that's good. Great momma. You can relax now." she smiled. "You're at four centimeters right now so we still have a bit to go. Annie here is going to get you hooked up to some monitors and I'll have the anesthesiologist come in and give you an epideral." she smiled.

Rian: Rian was overwhelmed, and that was putting it lightly. He just followed behind as Demi was wheeled into a room, and he saw the almost amused look she gave him. When she asked him to help her undressed, he was glad to have something to do. He walked over, helped her undress and put the gown on and then made sure she could lay down on the bed safely. When the nurse, and then the doctor came in, he lingered close, resting his hand on Demi's are to reassure her and make sure she knew he was right by her side.

Demi: Having someone with their hands all up in her hoo-ha was super uncomfortable. The pressure in her stomach was intense. Another contraction hit as the nurse started putting the monitors on her. Demi screamed and squeezed Rian's hand as she tried to do her breathing. She could swear they were getting more and more painful. She didn't know if she could do this. She didn't know if she was going to be strong enough to deliver two babies. "You did so good." Annie smiled down at her as she finished putting the monitors on Demi. "You're already a pro." she laughed. "Now this monitor here," she said, pointing to a machine that showed two different numbers, "is showing the heart rates for both babies. And this one over here is going to monitor your contractions. Once you get the epidural, you won't feel them anymore and we need to be able to tell how far apart they are." she explained. "If you see here, it looks like you've got another one coming on. Hmm...five minutes apart now. That's good." Annie told her as another contraction hit. "OW, OW, OW, OW...FUCK...." Demi cried out. "You're almost there Demi." Annie said as she watched the monitor. People had told her it would hurt, but she always thought they were just exaggerating for effect.

Rian: Rian watched curiously as the nurse hooked Demi up to the machines, and he didn't let out a sound when Demi squeezed his hand. He was freaking out just at the thought of what his girlfriend was going through, and he cringed a little as her hand squeezed his tighter. "Babe," he said. "You're doing so good baby, I'm here, I'm so proud of you," he murmured, trying his best to be encouraging. "And I mean, I guess I understand if you hate me right now.." he chuckled lightly.

Demi: "I don't hate you, but that might change later." she said through gritted teeth as the contraction started to fade. Her contractions started to come closer together, and after 45 minutes of contractions ever five minutes, the anesthesiologist finally arrived to give her and epidural. "Oh thank god." she said when the doctor walked into the room. She had been concerned about getting an epidural, afraid it might make her backslide in her sobriety but she talked to her sponsor and her doctor about it, and they all guaranteed her it was safe. Once the epidural was done, Demi was able to lay back and relax a little. Annie had come back into the room to check on her. "Looks like that epidural is working." she smiled, motioning to the contraction monitor. "Holy shit. I don't feel a thing right now." Demi laughed. "That's good." Annie said. "Now you rest up. You're going to need all the energy you can muster for when those little babies decide it's time to meet you."

Rian: Rian felt like he was in some kind of trance. He was trying to focus on everything that was going on, but really he couldn't say much or do anything but be there, and make sure Demi knew just that. He had managed to get a chair to sit beside her and let her hold on to and squeeze his hand tightly. He knew she had been hesitant to get an epidural, but since everyone assured her it was safe, she did get it, and Rian thought he saw her visibly relax. "I can't fucking wait until thery're here now," he chuckled lightly, running his thumb over the back of Demi's hand encouragingly.

Demi: When they finally had the room to themselves, Demi looked over at Rian. "Me too babe. I'll just be happy to not have them kicking me at night anymore." she chuckled. She could see how stressed out he was. She leaned her head back and smiled at him. "Baby, why don't you take a break and go find some cold brew. Call Alex and update him." she suggested.

Rian: "Why, you're not enjoying their kicks?" Rian chuckled lightly. He considered her suggestion and let out a breath he hadn't really been aware of holding. "Are you sure? I don't wanna just.. leave you here. You can't really take a break either." He looked at her, concerned, questioningly. "I'll be quick. Just give Alex a quick call and get some coffee."

Demi: "My bladder is not a soccer ball." she laughed. "I'm sure babe. I have a feeling things are going to get worse, so why don't you take the break why you can." she smiled. "I'll be fine. Tell Alex hi for me. And maybe find Annie and find out if I can have some water or something." she suggested.

Rian: "Alright," Rian said. He leaned down to steal a kiss from her lips. "I'll tell him hi and see if I can bring you water." He offered a smile before reluctantly leaving the room. He found coffee, no cold brew, but he settled for it anyway because it was better than nothing. Alex immediately picked up the phone when Rian called him, as if he had been waiting for him to finally call and he quickly filled his best friend in on what was going on. Annie wasn't hard to find thankfully and she told the drummer where to get water. He carried both, water and coffee into the room when he returned to Demi. "Did not find any cold brew, but I got coffee. And water for you."

Demi: Demi managed to close her eyes for a bit while Rian was out of the room. Her doctor came in to check her and said she had progressed to 8 centimeters so it would be anytime now. "Thanks baby." she smiled as Rian walked back into the room. "How's Alex?" She sat up a but and took a sip of the water her brought to her. "The doctor said it should be any time now." she told him.

Rian: Rian took his seat by the bed again and sipped on his coffee. "He's good. Almost jumped through the phone thinking I was gonna tell him you had the babies," he chuckled lightly. "He's saying hi back, by the way." When Demi mentioned what the doctor said, his eyes widen a little. "For real? How are you.. so chill?" He finished his coffee and put the empty cup away, then ran his hand through his hair. "This is nerve-wrecking."

Demi: "I think he may be more excited that we are." she laughed. "Baby, I am far from chill. I am absolutely terrified. I have to squeeze two watermelons out of an opening the size of a lemon. But it's not like I turn back now." she chuckled nervously.

Rian: "He probably is," Rian chuckled. Her words caused him to grimace slightly and he shook the images from his mind. "You look way more chill than I feel, I'll give you that," he admitted. He reached over to take her hand and give it a gentle squeeze. "You'll do just fine baby, I know you can do it. And I'm right here with you."

Demi: A few hours later, the epidural started wearing off and the doctor said it was time. Demi's eyes got big as she started to feel the contractions hit. It felt like they were coming right on top of each other. Annie pulled out the stirrups and had Demi slide down on the table. The doctor came in, fully gowned up and smiled at Demi. "You ready mama? On the next contraction, I want you to push." The next contraction, Demi pushed as hard as she could. The doctor counted to ten and told Demi to relax. "Okay, let's go again. You can do it." After ten minutes of pushing, Demi was exhausted. "One more Demi. The head is out, we just need to get his shoulders and he'll be here. You can do it." the doctor said. "I can't. I'm too tired." Demi cried. "I can't do anymore."

Rian: The waiting was rough. Rian had never felt this impatient about anything in his life before. He was thankful Demi seemed overall relaxed until the epidural started to wear off. He reached for her hand, encouraging her as she started to push. He felt like passing out at how stressful the situation was, he was exhausted just by being a part of this. It was impossible to imagine how Demi must've been feeling. "You can do it, baby. I know you can," he told her, stroking her hand with his thumb while she wasn't squeezing it tight.

Demi: With tears running down her face, Demi looked over at Rian. "I can't do this." she sobbed. "I just need one more push and he'll be here Demi." the doctor said. "You can do this." Demi looked at Rian for reassurance then shook her head. "One more?" she asked weakly. "One more." assured the doctor. "Okay." She braced herself for one more push and pushed with everything she had left in her. She felt a wave of relief and suddenly the musical sounds of a baby crying filled her ears. The next thing she knew, she heard the doctors talking between each other. 'Okay Demi. The second baby's heart rate dropped. We need to get you prepped for an emergency c-section. We can't risk having it drop more during delivery."

Rian: "You can, you're strong as fuck," Rian told her with an encouraging smile. He held onto her hand, letting her squeeze it as hard as she needed to. He murmured encouraging words as she pushed. When a new set of lungs filled the room, it seemed like time was stopping for a moment. "Holy shit," he murmured under his breath, staring at the baby the doctor was holding. He was still trying to wrap her hand around the fact that there was a crying human baby in the world right now when someone said 'c-section'. "A what now?" he said, eyes widening.

Demi: Before Demi could say a word, the sides of her bed were being raised and she was being pushed towards the door. "A C-section." the doctor said again. "We gotta get this baby out right now. I'm sorry, we don't have time to waste." the doctor assured Rian. "Rian?" Demi cried, terrified she was about to lose a baby. "Rian, stay with Noah. Don't leave Noah!" she called out as she was pushed out the door. "We don't have time to give you a spinal block, so we're going to have to put you out." the doctor said as Demi was wheeled into a freezing cold operating room. The anesthesiologist who had done her epidural earlier in the day was putting a mask over her face and telling her to breath deep. Ten minutes after rushing out of the room, the doctor went back and told Rian he had another beautiful baby boy and that Demi was doing fine and was in recovery. "The baby will have to stay in the NICU until we can do some tests, but everything is looking good." the doctor assured him.

Rian: Everything happened so quickly. Rian had barely processed the first baby actually brought into the world, when the doctors were taking Demi away, out of the room. He promised her to stay put and he did, in awe of the new baby, and yet worried sick about what was going to happen. "Thank god," he let out a breath as soon as the doctor told him the baby was fine. "Can I go see him? And Demi?" he questioned. He didn't want to leave Noah's side, but he was dying to see his other son, and share this moment of pure bliss with his girlfriend.

Demi: "Not just yet." the doctor told him. "We've got to monitor him for just a bit. As soon as his stats are good, we'll bring him down to meet his mommy and daddy." she smiled. Demi is just waking up from surgery. She'll be brought to the room shortly. I'll check back in and let you know if anything changes. Congratulations dad." she said, putting her hand out to shake Rian's.

Rian: Rian nodded slowly. "Alright," he said. He couldn't wait to meet him, and for Demi to return soon. He took the doctor's hand and smiled, a goofy grin that spread on his lips as he registered what she had just said. A dad. Not a future father, soon to be dad.. he was really a dad now. "Thank you." He was smiling ear to ear when Demi finally was brought back into the room. Noah was wrapped in a blanket and he was holding him cradled in his arms. "Say, hi mommy," he said softly, walking over to the bed with the little baby boy.

Demi: By the time Demi was brought back to her room, her boys were already an hour old. She was exhausted, and she hurt, but most of all, she was sad that she didn't get the chance to hold her boys yet. Annie had stayed with her in recovery and assured her that both babies were doing well and that she'd get to see them real soon. Still groggy as she was pushed into the room, she had her eyes closed until she heard Rian's voice. "Hi" she said weakly, trying to sit up. Her eyes landed on the baby in Rian's arms, and tears hit her eyes. "Noah?" she asked, looking at the baby. "Is he perfect?" she asked

Rian: Rian had lost all sense of time while he waited with Noah. He was dying to see Nash, even though the doctor said he was alright, he wanted to make sure of it himself. And he hated that he couldn't share this moment with Demi. He smiled when she was finally brought back in, and he immediately found the way over to the bed. He didn't wanna let go of his son, he could hold him for hours, for days. But he knew Demi must be dying to hold him too. "He's absolutely perfect, yes. Here," the drummer said softly, shifting the baby carefully in his arm to then rest him in Demi's and on her chest. Rian bit his lip, smiling widely as he looked at them.

Demi: The second her son was placed on her chest, Demi felt herself start to cry. He was so tiny and perfect. "Hi baby boy." she sniffed. "I'm your momma." She covered his small head with kisses. "I'm the one you and your brother have been kicking for the last 8 months." she chuckled. After what seemed like forever, Annie came into the room, pushing a bassinet. "Well hello there mommy and daddy. Someone here is very anxious to get to meet you both." she smiled, picking Nash up out of the bassinet. "Is he okay?" Demi asked quickly, her heart stopping for a moment. "He's absolutely perfect." Annie assured them before laying Nash on Demi's chest next to his brother. "I'll let you four get to know each other." she chuckled. "Congratulations again." Demi sobbed, finally being able to hold both her babies.

Rian: Rian was overwhelmed by the love he felt in that moment, and he had no clue just yet that he'd feel like bursting the moment Annie would bring in Nash. Rian crouched down beside the bed so he could be on the same level as Demi and the little baby boy that was now resting securely on her chest. "You did so good, baby" The drummer said and for a brief moment he focused his attention on Demi, stealing a kiss from her lips before looking back at the baby boy. A sudden relief surged through him when Annie finally brought in their other baby boy and said he was perfectly okay. He swallowed hard, a proud grin spreading on his lips as he finally looked at his girlfriend holding their two perfect baby boys. "Holy shit, this is amazing," he chuckled, reaching over to take Demi's hand and giving it a loving squeeze.

[jasondean]

i'm sending you the first thing i thought of when i tried to think of an ask to send you. so. here's this cursed thing. heathersstuck.

ohhh my god okay first of all im gonna preemptively apologize for how long this is about to be. 

another disclaimer that this is all gonna be based on my knowledge of the alternia that we see in homestuck itself because i havent gotten super into hiveswap yet. and, as we all know, any good homestuck au is one where the contending canon is thrust into the homestuck universe as opposed to the other way around. so im gonna spare everyone the painful ideation of plucking a small handful from the VAST homestuck cast just to put them into the plot of heathers

im ALSO gonna preface that im thinking about the heathers film while writing this, not the musical. and im not gonna go into anything regarding martha, betty, kurt, or ram because i think focusing on the main cast is enough for right now lol. 

anyway, potential positions in the blood caste system as well as god tier assignments under the cut!  

so ive definitely thought about this on several occasions and ive seen some heatherstuck content where the heathers are trolls right. the thing is, the color symbolism from both media dont line up. and the heathers being drawn to keep their original colors just doesnt work out with the hemospectrum. like no way is heather chandler a red blood or mutant blood (imo itd make sense for jd to have mutant blood). the heathers being red, yellow, and green blooded would just make them a group of lowbloods and that doesnt fit with the power structure depicted in either canon. 

heather chandler would absolutely have fuchsia blood! i couldnt imagine it any other way. duke could maybe get away with being jade blooded because thatd put her in the midblood range but also what does that leave for mcnamara? i dont really have a good answer for that right now but - 

the heathers themselves aside, veronica would actually be pretty well suited for being some kind of blueblood (teal or cerulean maybe?) veronica being blue blooded would put her in a position of enough privilege to be taken under chandlers wing but also not privileged enough to naturally be at the top. 

jd would probably be rust or mutant blooded. but its also fun to consider: purple blood? since those in that blood class are more susceptible to becoming more ..unhinged. however, i personally favor rust or mutant blooded since i am partial to reds and it would help play into his hatred of society.

trolls or not though theyd all be destined for something right? so im gonna move onto potential god tiers. 

now this is where my laptop cut out so most of the classpect analyses themselves come with help fom http://dahniwitchoflight.tumblr.com

im imagining veronica as a rogue of space. first of all, space players are CRUCIAL to a session as one of the cardinal aspects (space & time making up the fabric of paradox space). its been said by calliope that space can be a passive aspect that holds great power, “hosting the stage before suddenly in some way ‘showing who the master truly is’” and then collapsing in on itself. space players are essential to sessions because it falls on them to light the forge which is necessary for the process of ultimate alchemy (creating the next universe) - and that aside, the idea of veronica collecting and breeding frogs is incredibly cute to me. 

“Those bound to the aspect of Space are, as the name suggests, concerned with the big picture. They are patient, masters of the art of ‘wait-and-see’, and are inclined to take things as they come. That isn’t to say that they’re pushovers or willing to let injustice lie-they just choose their battles wisely, understanding that sometimes you have to let something burn to the ground in order to build it back better and stronger than before. To this effect, they tend to be innovators, concerned with creation and redemption. Catch them recycling the old to make the new, the fresh, and the beautiful. For the Space-bound, the journey is as, if not more, important than the destination; how they do something is as important as what they do. At their best, they are steady, impartial, and creative. At their worst, they can be detached, apathetic, and vague.”    – this description of space players comes from the extended zodiac quiz itself 

rogues invite theft through their aspect or theft of their aspect. they have problems coping with their aspect or their supposed lack of it, they think that they cant handle it which causes them to give it up too easily. the challenge rogues face is to come to terms with their aspect and own it. 

heres a bit on rogues of space specifically: “They might have a tendency to quickly change the subject into others things or cover their interests up to distract from what they perceive to be their failed creations. They may feel uncomfortable with the thought that everything is random and meaningless in the universe, or that it is what you make of it, because they often think they don’t know what to make of it. They may feel lonely at times and feel like they have too much Space to themselves, wanting to fill it up with other people and things. They might lower their standards to the point that they give up their personal Space to someone not worthy enough, just so they won’t feel alone.On the flip side they might feel like they have too much stuff, maybe because they invite others to use up their Space, giving it away too readily, lamenting their lack of impatience with others, or the ability to say no to people. […] a Rogue’s challenge is to learn to be comfortable with their Aspect, and allow the healthy parts of it to enter their lives. They must learn to be okay with what they have right now, that they have it within themselves to change things and make them better. They don’t have to give up so easily.”

jd seems like hed obviously be a prince of doom and this feels self explanatory but. princes are described as being stubborn and pessimistic and they actively destroy using their class / destroy through their class. a princes challenge is to not end up destroying themselves along the way. doom aspect because not only does it pretty much encompass chaos, but the symbol (and the aspect itself has been speculated to be) pretty clearly draws from The Tumor which is. a giant fucking bomb essentially. another fun tidbit about doom players is that they are DEATH MAGNETS they die a LOT and its theorized that for this reason sburb has a sort of game mechanic in place to help balance that out by granting doom players multiple dream selves. i just think itd be really fun to see a sburb session where jd (maybe) cant be kept down by dying. doom is also associated with judgement and sacrifice, and have been said to be “fates chosen sufferers.” “doom players are wise, kind, and non judgmental at their best and bitter, resentful, and fatalistic at their worst.” 

and while i definitely think the doom class is fitting for jd im stuck between prince and bard? bards are the embodiment of the “wild card”. they allow destruction through their aspect / invite destruction through their aspect and their challenge is to not be ruled by the whims of their aspect. and im just now thinking that while this does make sense in its own way, princes and bards are active / passive opposites and i cant really imagine jd being the more laid back of the two. hes just too extra, lol. although i love the idea of jd being in that ridiculous bard getup 

heres some insight to princes of doom: “A Prince of Doom unapologetically pushes people way past their own limits. They are truly passionate, even almost crazy activists. They hate being told no or that they can’t do something, but are more likely to simply destroy or kill the person who said no then prove them otherwise. Depending on what kind of situation or session they find themselves in, and whether or not what they do is really needed at the moment, they can be heaven sent saviors, freeing people from what binds them, or terrifying dictators, ruling over people and enforcing their will wherever they want, letting nothing and no one limit what they do. […] They likely use Bombs and Fire as their main weapons. They have a lot of potential to go down a very destructive or even evil path if they use their powers irresponsibly, but not every Prince of Doom is automatically evil or will Doom their session.“

heather chandler i can definitely see being a witch of rage. witches manipulate using their aspect or manipulate their aspect directly and their challenge is to use their rule breaking powers in a morally conscious way. 

heres some info about witches of rage: “You don’t tell a Witch of Rage anything, they tell you. Anything you have to say they can Reject with Doubt, Negativity and Skepticism and be like ‘No you’re wrong, it’s actually this way.’ They manipulate fear, mistrust and anger, either lowering it or making you believe it’s not all that bad, even if it is. Or they can amplify it, making you paranoid and afraid of even mundane things. […] They can be ‘loose cannons’ and this can be good or bad, depending on how good you are on getting them on your side and keeping them there. Their entire moral challenge lies in the choice between using their powers on their allies or their enemies, like most witches.”  

heather duke would likely be a maid of mind. a maid creates with their aspect / creates their aspect, and a maids challenge is to rely on themself for their aspect. this absolutely isnt to say that duke cannot think for herself at the beginning of the story by any means.

here’s a bit about maids of mind: “At first they tend to defer to the decisions of the group rather than be a part of them and are more focused on watching and waiting and seeing how other people make decisions. […] When a Maid of Mind starts rising to their challenge, they start deciding for themselves what roles they need to play and when. […] They may just have an apathetic and indifferent personality in general. They start letting their thoughts and decision be known and have an effect instead of just referring to others and blending in.” 

and finally heather mcnamara would probably be a page of heart. (i had a hard time coming up with a god tier for her since, if im being honest, shes not a character i pay much attention to.) pages invite exploitation of their aspect / invite exploitation through their aspect. they start with a deficit in their aspect that they overcome through (obvious) overcompensation. their challenge is to keep at things, even if they fail or the journey is slow, to become stronger in the end. 

bit about pages of heart: “They can be very over dramatic in their emotional displays, blowing up every little thing completely out of proportion and giving disproportionate emotional responses to almost everything. […] They can be easily exploited through all of this by other people who either take advantage of the Page’s emotions and empathy, or take advantage of the Page’s obsessions and desires, using it against them. […] When they rise up to their challenge, they start learning to be more balanced and sincere with their emotions, their affections, and with themselves. They learn how to be passionate, sincere and truly honest with themselves and others.”

and all of this is just SOME of the possibilities of what could happen in a homestuck heathers au. would they all be in the same session? would they all be trolls? would the heathers & veronica be in their own session and jd be in his own session that ends up intertwining together? theres literally SO MANY possibilities when it comes to homestuck aus and i love that shit. 

now that ive spent so much time speculating all this its time to deposit myself directly into the dumpster 

[bisexualamy]

i'm a trans dude and i'm having so much trouble deciding if i want to go on t. i have really good health insurance atm and my family is reasonably supportive, so none of that would be a problem... but i just can't decide if i want to. i'm obsessed with reading about other people's transitions and it makes me want to go on t myself, but i also feel like i want some of the changes but not others, which i know is impossible. i'm also absolutely terrified of needles. it's really messing with me

(trans guy anon who is unsure about t) another thing that’s really messing with me is that i have a TON of chest dysphoria, so i definitely feel like i want top surgery somewhere down the line. and i know a lot surgeons won’t do top surgery unless you’re on t, which makes me want t more. but i also feel like part of why i want t is just so i can get top surgery instead of really wanting t.

So I can’t tell you if you should go on T, but I do have a few thoughts for you to consider, which can hopefully make this easier.

Firstly, it’s possible for you to be hesitant about some of the changes now, and not when they actually happen. For me, my quintessential example is my beard. I was REALLY against the idea of having facial hair until I actually started growing it. Because of this nervousness about some of the changes, my nurse practitioner put me on a more androgenizing dose to start, since I knew I wanted to masculinize in some way. That way, I had a bit of time to get used to the idea of being on hormones and experience some of the early changes, before then deciding if I wanted to up my dose, stay where I was, or go off hormones completely. This could be a good option for you to consider.

I used to also be deathly terrified of needles. Mine subsided enough when I realized how badly I needed T for my mental health to be okay, but I was still super scared when they first injected me. The thing that really eased my mind was that I can’t feel my subcu injections at all when they’re done properly. Knowing that there would be little to no pain calmed me down a lot. Also, many clinics will let you come and have a nurse do your shots for you up until you’re comfortable, especially if you have insurance. This is a clinic-by-clinic thing, but I’d see if that’s an option at your clinic. My nurse and I incrementally got me more comfortable. One week I’d hold the needle as she injected me, one week I’d do all the prep (draw the hormones into the syringe, clean the area, etc) without actually injecting myself, and so forth. This built me up slowly enough that I was comfortable doing it. 

You can also look into topical testosterone, like androgel. These are testosterone creams that require no injection. Contrary to popular belief, they’re not less effective than injectable testosterone. The disadvantage for some, however, is that applying androgel takes a while to apply (about a half hour so you can let it soak into your skin, and then you shower it off), and it’s less likely to be covered by insurance. But if you’re this scared of needles, I think it’s worth looking into.

Also, I would look into the surgeons you’re comfortable with for top surgery before deciding if they’ll operate on you. A little over a year ago I was doing that research for myself (I had surgery last July) and it was a 50/50 shot whether the surgeons cared if you were on T or not. They were much more concerned about whether or not you were healthy enough to be operated on, regardless of your stage of transition. I would look into the surgeons you want and talk to them about if this will be an issue. Many surgeons have free or low cost consultations, and most don’t mind if you call their office with a question or two (although you’ll probably get a nurse of PA and not the actual surgeon, but they all tend to have the same info).

The people who do tend to care about T, however, are your insurance. Your insurance is much less likely to cover your top surgery if you haven’t been on T for a least a year (in the United States, which it sounds like you’re from?). You can fudge that number a little bit (I got surgery at 11mo on T and my surgery was covered by insurance), but the reason they do that is because for them it like, shows your “commitment to your new gender identity” and like, acts as proof for them that this isn’t just a cosmetic operation. Obviously, that’s not based in everyone’s reality, there are many trans people (like you, it sounds) who care much more about top surgery than T, but insurance in the US is not great and so this is how they make their cutoff. When/if you call a surgeon’s office, that’s another question for them. Then it’s a matter for you of if you’re able or willing to pay out of pocket.

Honestly, HRT is a big life decision and if you don’t know if you want it, it’s good to do what you’re doing and really take the time to think about it. From my experience, and from the experiences of the trans people I know and have spoken with (which isn’t a huge sample size, so take this with a grain of salt), most of us were hesitant in some way before we started HRT. Making any permanent life decision is going to make you nervous. I waited for months for top surgery, had a countdown to it for six months, only to almost call the whole thing off the night before because I was nervous. Being nervous is not inherently a sign of this being the wrong choice. What you need to figure out is whether you’re nervous because this is a big choice, or because this isn’t actually something you want. 

It’s very cliché, but the “if you were dropped of a deserted island, would you still want this?” thing actually worked for me. As soon as I realized that I’d still want to transition even if no one could see me, because I within myself felt wrong, that’s when I knew that I was nervous because of the big change. When I started conceding my fear of needles, when I sat on hold with my city’s sole medical provider for hours, when I canceled my plane ticket so I could take an 8hr bus back to Pittsburgh 3 weeks earlier just to get my prescription, these actions showed me I wanted T more than my emotions, because after all of that I was still nervous. Obviously, these examples are unique to my experience, but they’re examples of things you can look for to figure this out on your own. And, if you don’t want HRT right now, that’s okay! If you don’t want it at all, that’s fine too! Like I said, there are absolutely surgeons that will operate on you without T. There are surgeons that do top surgery for nb people who never intend to transition beyond surgery.

If you have any more questions about this or any other transition stuff, please send me another ask! Hope this helped.

[voguewoozi]

College au? I'll let your creativity run free from there ;D (also what the heck, I'm planning on my major/minor to be English too?)

College Freshmen Are Loud

Read it on ao3!  & send in a prompt!

Summary: The noise in Dan’s dorm hall is cutting into his sleep. Phil provides a solution

Word Count: 1.9k

Notes: thank u, ryanne. I love college aus :(( (we should talk majors)

Dan wakes up to the sound of a chair hitting a wall at 2:47 am, and he’s fine until he hears giggles that eventually grow louder. This is the fourth time this week that people on his floor have come back drunk, and honestly, it was annoying the first time. Now it’s cutting into his sleep and he has early morning classes that he wants to be conscious for. He breathes out exasperatedly and clenches his bed sheets for a second before rolling onto his side and covering his ears with his pillow.                It’s pretty effective, but he has to hold it in place and his arms start cramping after a minute and a half. He doesn’t sleep for the rest of the night.—“Are you alright? You look terrible,” is the first thing Dan hears when he enters his 7:40 lecture. If it were anyone but Phil, he’d say it put him in an even worse mood. He manages a smile, despite his brain feeling ten times slower than usual, and slumps down into the chair beside Phil.“Thanks. I got no sleep last night because the assholes on my floor think it’s funny to be extremely loud during all hours of the fucking night,” Dan says, sighing a bit melodramatically. He can’t help it. It sucks and there’s nothing he can do. He’s already tried moving, but there’s no empty singles, and he doesn’t want to even briefly entertain the thought of moving in with someone else. He gets it, he totally does. The idea of having a roommate is exciting for a lot of people; it’s just not for him. At all. He’s having a difficult enough time dealing with having people rooms away from him.“What do they do? Is it really that bad?” Phil asks. He’s smirking but Dan literally doesn’t have enough energy to roll his eyes.“I’m pretty sure one of them broke a window last night,” Phil laughs at that, and the sound makes him smile for the first time that morning. He kinda hates the effect Phil has on him, but he usually just elects to ignore it. There’s no chance Phil likes him. And he’s graduating this year. Surely the age difference would be weird. Does Phil even like guys?He’s broken out of his thoughts by a nudge to his side and he jumps slightly, remembering where he is.“You might wanna start taking notes,” Phil whispers, lines of words already covering his page. Dan can’t stop himself from blushing, but Phil’s attention is back on the professor.Dan sits there for an hour and fifteen minutes, sporadically taking notes and daydreaming before he finally gets to pack up his stuff. He’s thinking about grabbing something to eat before his next class, when a hand comes down on his shoulder.“Hey, if your hall is too loud again tonight, you’re always welcome to stay in my room. My roommate’s never around.” Dan is taken aback by Phil’s offer; for a second he thinks his sleep-deprived brain made it up. He’s silent and slack-jawed for a few seconds too long, and Phil’s face begins to look unsure.“You don’t have to or anything, I was just-”“No, I want to!” Dan says quickly, awkwardly grabbing Phil’s wrist in the process. They both look down and Dan lets go immediately, bringing his hand to the back of his own neck.“I mean, yeah, if I can’t sleep, right, I’ll do that,” he does a vague finger gun motion and hates himself.“Okay, so I’ll see you later, maybe?” Phil asks, and his smile is back but Dan’s heart is still beating a mile a minute.“Yeah, I’ll text you,” Dan sounds breathless and that’s because he is, he just hopes Phil doesn’t notice. He wouldn’t point it out if he did.“Cool,” it’s the last thing Phil says before he turns with a small wave and walks in the opposite direction Dan’s going. Dan feels like his skin is burning off, but he can’t stop smiling.—                He listens closely. It’s a little after 11, and for once he can’t hear anyone screaming, and he thinks that it’s probably because the world hates him. The cutest guy Dan’s ever seen in his life invites him to his room and for the first time since he moved in, these assholes are what? Asleep at a decent hour?                He rolls over in his bed, and closes his eyes for exactly six seconds before he makes his decision. He stands up and packs a set of clothes, and the books he needs for class tomorrow, and steps outside into the cold air.                For as much determination that he had on the walk to Phil’s dorm, when he’s actually outside his door, he hesitates. He brings his hand up to knock a few times, even thinking about going back to his room and just going to sleep because it’s getting late and he needs a few hours, at least.                He finally does it, three quick taps and his heart rate accelerates as he waits for it to open.                “Hey,” Phil says, calmly, stepping out of the doorway and gesturing for Dan to enter. Dan has only been in Phil’s room once for a minute, so he’s never had the opportunity to really look around. His eyes roam over the insignificant details, and he doesn’t realize Phil’s talking to him until he’s halfway through his sentence.                “-never around, like I said. So, that’s a plus, I guess,” Dan blinks, but when he doesn’t respond, Phil turns to face him.                “Uh, sorry, I wasn’t listening,” Dan says, stuttering and blushing. He should probably just lie down and try to forget any of this happening.                “It’s so quiet here,” he says instead, putting his backpack down and attempting to relax. He has nothing to worry about. Everything will be fine.                “This must be a completely new experience for you. How’s it feel?” Phil asks. It seems like it doesn’t matter what Phil does, Dan finds himself completely enamored, which is putting him at a slight disadvantage. He doesn’t think that’s really fair.                “It’s… weird. I think it’s almost too quiet.” Dan had gotten so used the ambient noise of talking and laughing that the quiet was a bit confounding.                “Well that won’t be a problem for long. I’ve been told that I talk in my sleep.” Dan’s eyes widen at the admission and Phil continues, “Not that I would know for sure. It’s not like I’m there when it happens.” Dan laughs, and he has to stop doing that, it wasn’t that funny. But Phil smiles, and Dan forgets his impulses all at once.                “Speaking of sleep, you probably want to do that now. That’s why you’re here.” Phil’s cheeks go pink for a change, and for a moment, Dan thinks it’s refreshing, but then he’s smiling. He can’t seem to catch a break.                “So… what are the…” Dan searches for an appropriate term, but the best he can come up with in under three seconds is “sleeping arrangements”. He hadn’t thought about the implications of the night before going over, and what did he think would happen? Phil only has one bed. Mathematically, only one thing works.                “Sleeping on the floor is no big deal to me, really. It’s fine,” Dan fills in quickly before Phil can get a word.                “What? No, I invited you over so you could finally get a good night’s sleep. I’m not gonna make you sleep on the floor,” Phil says, strongly, not leaving any room for argument.                “Well, it’s your room, so I can’t make you sleep on the floor,” Dan counters. As the last word falls off of his tongue, he understands what he said, what it could be construed to mean.                “Are you suggesting that we share the bed?” Despite his earlier embarrassment and uncertainty, Phil says this with a hint of a smirk on his lips. Dan wants to stop existing, but he also really wants to sleep in the same tiny twin-sized bed as Phil Lester. He’s almost certain that he’s never wanted anything more in his life.                “I mean… what I meant to say was, I wouldn’t have a problem with it seeing as we both just want to sleep, and you know, back support is an important thing. Can’t get that from the floor…” Dan feels more self-conscious with every passing second as Phil’s smug grin reaches more parts of his face. Like his eyes.                “Yeah, I agree. Should we go to sleep then?” Without waiting for a reply, Phil hops into his bed and pats the space next to him. It’s not a very big space, and that makes Dan simultaneously excited and terrified. How were they supposed to negotiate this? There weren’t very many comfortable positions they could find this way. After a moment of fidgeting limbs and rustling bed sheets, Phil’s arm comes to rest around Dan’s waist. His fingers trace a small pattern, and then he tenses.                “Is this okay? It’s the only comfortable place for my arm.” Dan smiles at the concern in Phil’s voice but his heart beat is erratic, and he’s worried Phil can feel it.                “Yeah, it’s fine,” Dan manages, nearly choking on the first syllable. He can’t believe this is actually happening.                “Goodnight, Dan.”                “Yeah, goodnight…”—                When Dan’s alarm goes off in the morning, he attempts to turn over but is stopped. His eyes shoot open and he remembers that he’s not in his room. Phil’s arm is still draped over him, slightly tighter now that he’s tried to move. He wonders how to go about this without it being too awkward, grabbing Phil’s hand and attempting to move him carefully so he doesn’t wake up. But then Phil’s hand squeezes and he breathes in, stretches and freezes. His grip loosens and his breathing stops for a moment.                Maybe he doesn’t know Dan is awake yet. He can play it off like he’s just waking up now. He’s a pretty good actor, he could pull it off.                “You’re gonna be late to class,” Phil says. His sleep-muddled voice startles Dan, and Phil definitely knows he’s awake now.                “Well, maybe I wouldn’t if you let go of me.” Dan has no idea what made him so bold all of a sudden, but he bites his tongue and holds his breath, waiting for a response.                “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Phil says, moving his arm back to his side. Dan feels relieved and disappointed all at once, but he sits up anyway. He’s about to get up to change and then leave when Phil grabs his hand again. He looks back at Phil and his messy hair and his perfect lips.                “You should come back when your class is over. We could get lunch or something.” Dan smiles softly and Phil’ thumb traces nervous circles onto the back of his hand.                “Yeah, sure, that’d be great,” Dan can’t stop his smile from growing and he probably looks stupid, but he doesn’t care.                “I’ll see you later then,” Phil says, bringing Dan’s hand to his lips for a brief second and then letting him go.                Dan never sleeps in his own bed again.