#maybe with a therapist that will actually listen to my concerns this time

[vaguebloggingextreme]

Also, objectively knowing that i have trouble with communicating and maintaining boundaries that I need to emotionally be ok because growing up my boundaries (that I very clearly communicated) were constantly ignored because people thought it was funny and actually trying to figure out how to put those boundaries there now without feeling guilty or like it's a waste of time is a fucking struggle too.

[fandoms--fluff]

Family Therapist

Female vampire reader x Elijah Mikaelson

Summary: Elijah is your husband and you've been basically the family therapist. Well, one night you both became one for his little brother.

Warnings: mentions of death I think?, mentions of ghosts,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elijah and you have been married for well over 400 years and over time you have gotten used to the family's drama and dynamic.

There have been many times when you acted as the family therapist, and let's not kid ourselves, you still are. Just somehow in weirder ways than some may think.

(But let's also be real, you still have to lecture Klaus out of daggering any of his siblings or hurting them 'just because', being the only one who he actually listens to, which is a miracle by itself.)

A great example is what just happened one night.

Surprising enough, this is the first time you've ever been in a situation like this. It's definitely not the worst or anything of it, but this was very different to say the least.

You were sound asleep in your husband's arms until you hear the door to your guys' room slam open. Both of you separate in alert, but the only danger there is, is the body that crashed between the both of you.

"What the?" You said sleepily and reached over to turn the lamp on.

Once the light lit the room in a yellow glow, you both look at the visitor in your bed.

"Kol? What are you doing?" Elijah asks, surprised that his younger brother is there, without acknowledging one of you.

"Oh you know, just missed my older brother and his wife" his voice was muffled by the pillow he pressed his face in to.

"Uh huh, and how does that explain you gripping onto the blanket for dear life?" You raised your eyebrow at the youngest brother.

"Because it's soft?" He asked unsure, rather than answering you.

"What happened?" You kept your eyebrow raised at the immortal teenager, no way for him to get himself out of this conversation now. Elijah saw that look on your face, knowing, now you won't budge until you get the truth out of Kol.

Kol looked up at you, letting out a huff, seeing no way of getting out of this. At least this is better than Nik, he'd just throw him in a box, he thought.

"I swear I saw someone move in my room, but I couldn't find anything, so I came in here to make sure if the ghost comes back there'll be alibis" he rapidly said, and hid his face back into the pillow, feeling his cheeks starting to turn red.

You and Elijah shared a look of concern before your husband placed a hand on Kol's back. "Kol, you don't have to be embarrassed about that, considering your experience with ghosts in the past, you have a right to react the way you did," he told him.

"Lijah's right, we would never judge you about that. So what if you're a bit wary about ghosts, it's normal, a lot of people are" you added.

Kol's breath hitched before speaking, "Really?" He looked up at both of you.

"Of course" You and Elijah nodded.

He smiled softly before a cheeky grin appeared on his face. "Just so you know, I'm not leaving. And if that ghost takes me, I'd rather have my final moments with you guys over Nik, who would most likely yell at me."

He laid his head back down on the pillow and closed his eyes, knowing that he was laying between you guys. "I know you guys probably want to be laying together and be all cute and couply, but I don't want to think about you two doing anything over pg-13. My poor innocence couldn't handle it" he said and let out an 'oof' when you smacked him with a pillow for the comment.

"Have you ever even been innocent?" You asked and looked at Elijah with amused eyes as he pinched the bridge of his nose, looking like a tired father that just had to put up with his child. Honestly, he just did, considering what Kol had just said and he can sadly be even more immature.

"Of course I have...like that time...okay maybe when I was human, but that still counts" he mumbles and sticks his tongue out at you. And he hates it when you call him a child? Really?

[asherthehimbo]

Outliving the stars | Choi San

synopsis: You've always felt a part of you was missing, the desire for something greater only being lessened when you were gazing at the stars. You know you lost something, someone, you just dont remember what, who. Maybe the astrology major your friend sent you on a blind date with has the answers.

Pairing: Choi San x Male!reader

Info: one shot, words(2.1K),

Trope: reincarnation, Immortal x mortal, hurt/comfort

Warnings: mentions of nightmares, anxiety, topic of death, suggestive jokes, it's said they have sex but no actual smut, injuries, birthmarks shaped like scars, insecurity, self scrutinizing, social anxiety, overthinking, talks of past lives

Song inspo: Burn out the stars - Bryce savage

It was at times like these that you wished you could punch your best friend. Wooyoung was sweet, but you swear he had it out for you, sending you out on a blind date with nothing but a first name. Now you were standing at the planetarium entrance like an idiot waiting for someone you didn't even know.

Wooyoung had pesterd you for three weeks until you finally gave in. He kept trying to set you up with one of his classmates, and you were too tired to register what you were agreeing to. "Come on [Name], you can't keep being hung up on some mystery guy from your dreams. San, on the other hand is perfect, broad shoulders, an astrology major, rich, handsome face, smooth voice and he's kind" Wooyoung rambled on as you were sitting in your dorm, trying to finish the economics paper you had that was due on Friday.

"Do you want me to go out with this guy, or do you want to do so yourself?" You asked him, only receiving a pillow to your face as a response. Sighing, you looked at Wooyoung, who was taking up your entire bed. "If I go on this date, would you let me finish my paper in silence?"

Wooyoung immediately jumped up from the bed. "YES, OKAY YAY!I'm gonna go tell San you agreed! Oh! This is gonna be so much fun! SATURDAY 1PM SHARP, " Wooyoung shouted while jumping around before sharply turning on his heel to sprint out of the room, leaving with a shout of "WEAR THOSE CUTE JEANS I BOUGHT YOU!"

You only sighed, turning back to your paper and relishing in the silence.

You did, in fact, end up wearing the jeans he bought you, black baggy jeans with white stars splattered on them, matched with your red converse, and a red hoodie.

You did not want to be here, it was cold, people were staring (probably because of the scar on your face, a voice in your head told you, you ignored it) and you were craving a strawberry refresher. You guess arriving an hour early wasn't the best course of action, but you were up early, not being able to sleep the night before.

Dreams of your faceless lover had once again plagued your mind. It had been a common occurrence ever since you turned 10. You would be cuddled up in the arms of a man you could not remember, but you knew him. In a soft grass field he would be holding you tightly, you would both be watching the stars, you listening as he points out different constellations, these dreams were safe, they made you feel at ease.

But all too often, these dreams would evolve into nightmares, the same 7 scenes playing out. Your therapist had said it must have been a physiological way to deal with your own insecurities. The birthmarks that littered your skin had always looked like scars. You remember talking to her when you were 12. She said it was your brain trying to justify the marks, trying to create a story for them.

You believed her. After all, she knew better, but these dreams just felt so real, so vivid. You would hear your own heartbeat slow down and hear the cries of your mystery lover as he holds onto you. You could feel the tears dripping from his face onto yours. No matter what turn these nightmares had, they always ended with you dying in his arms.

You guess Wooyoung had been right in his concern, as your best friend he knew first hand the effect these dreams had on you. The nights you wake up gasping for air, vomiting out your dinner, clawing at your neck because something in your throat is burning. The times you're awake while your consciousness is still trapped in whatever nightmare you were experiencing. He had been there since the age of 10, he had been there.

You rubbed together the two sleeves of your hoodie, starting to feel more uncomfortable as time passed by. People were walking past, laughing, and giggling at one another. You wondered what was so funny, what were they all laughing at? Were they laughing at you? no, you didn't do anything funny, did you? oh, it's your face, right? Your face is funny, it's ugly, creepy, the scar covering your eye, one you did not deserve. A mutated freak born with scars that were not earned a fake, a- "[Name]?" A hand on your shoulder disrupts your anxiety fueled thoughts.

You turn around to find a black haired man, he's a little shorter than you, although his shoulders are broad. Jawline sharp, eyes as soft as a warm blanket on a winter's night, despite the intimidating structure of the man, his eyes, his smile, his dimples, he seems inviting, familiar almost.

He stands smiling at you, the arm he used to grab your attention is hovering awkwardly in the air, his cheeks are flushed, a pink matching one of the familiar drinks in his hand. "Umm, I'm San? your date. " he seems unsure of himself, but you find it cute, having to suppress a giggle so as to not make him feel bad.

You give him a small smile as you mentally thank Wooyoung for choosing someone good looking,"Nice to meet you, San." You nod your head at him as you shift your weight between your feet. You're being so awkward right now, but something tells you that San doesn't mind.

Despite your lack of social skills, the interaction itself does not seem awkward. Although you can feel something straining it, you brush it off to first date jitters. "Oh!um I also got us some drinks, Wooyoung said you liked strawberry refreshes, although I don't know if he was messing with me. He has a tendency to do that lately, but um drink?" San asks as he lifts up the hand, holding two drinks questioningly. His shoulders seem to tense as he awaits your reaction.

"Woo didn't lie, I do like Strawberry refreshers, thank you" you nod your head at him, his shoulders relax as he lets out a breath of relief, he picks up the pink drink from the holder in his hand and gives it to you. Your fingers touch for a moment as you take the drink from him and you jump back a little, San doesn't seem all that surprised, but he chuckles "Static electricity's a bitch, huh?"

You don't think that's how it works, but you laugh along nonetheless. It's weird as you walk with San into the planetarium. You don't like new people, don't feel comfortable around them, yet with San, it's different. You feel safe with him. He feels so familiar.

You spend the day following San around the planetarium, he excitedly points out constellations, and you swear the fake stars above your head shine dimmer than the light in Sans eyes. Somewhere along the line, your hand had been intertwined with his, as a precaution to not lose one another, you told yourself.

The date ends when the sky outside matches the one in the planetarium, a dark purple background with little specks of light twinkling above you both. The date lasted the whole day and you were having so much fun you didn't even realize, Wooyoungs gonna kill you for not telling him how everything went immediately but you can't find it in yourself to care about the headache your best friend will inevitably give you tomorrow morning.

That night, you sit on your bed, smiling down at the goodnight text from San, despite him having wished you a goodnight merely a few hours before when he walked you to your dorm. That night is the first night you sleep peacefully, no dreams of your mystery lover, no dieing, no waking up in a cold sweat despite it being winter. Nothing

Instead that night you sleep, cuddled up with the tiny red star plushie that San won for you at one of the planetarium games, you named her 'astéri' the greek word for star. Also, the exact name you put as your contact for the man who won her for you.

Your relationship with San had been a fast development, one date, then two, then you start eating lunch together, he starts walking you to classes, he joins your friends and you on movie nights, he plays games with Yunho. San becomes a part of your life faster than you can imagine, and you don't even care.

It's on your hundred day anniversary, a hundred days of dates and hangouts, and obviously being together despite no official title, that San officially asks you to be his boyfriend.

It's an emotional ordeal. He made a picnic in his backyard, creating a fort where you could both lay down and watch the stars on the soft grass. It's summer now, much hotter than when you first met, you wear a red tank top. San has expressed his love for your collarbones before, and thinking back to the moment makes you blush.

He was a bit tipsy when he blurted it out, face flushed pink given the alcohol of the drinking game he had played with your friends earlier, the room was hot, filled with college boys and liquor, so of course you took off your jacket, San had started cheering, then giggling, talking about how much he liked your neck, your collarbones. You don't know if he remembers this moment, you hope he doesn't, it would save you the embarrassment.

San presents you with a necklace on the night of his confession, a black leather strap threaded through a red star that's rimmed with silver. On the back of the necklace, the name 'astéri' is carved, under it lies numbers which look like coordinates. You don't ask.

San slips the necklace around your neck, fingers trailing dangerously slow along your shoulders. You were scared at first, you liked San, loved him, as much as you trusted him, you were scared of what his reaction would be.

He may have seen you in strappy clothing before, but he's never seen the extent to which your birthmarks your scars cover your body. The worst of them were located on your waist.

Despite your hesitance, the way San looks at you after you agree to be his, after you agree to let him be yours, it makes you want to kiss him, let him embrace every part of you and let you do the same to him.

He looks at you like you yourself were the star and who were you to deny a mortal access to a celestial entity?

That night, you learn the true extent of San's love for you, the way he trails his fingers overy every inch of your skin, extra soft kisses placed on the marks littering your body, he's gentle almost as if he knows the phantom pains they bring you, despite you never having told him.

That night you and San become, you and San, under the stars. On the soft blanket he laid out in his backyard as the warm wind of summer nips at your exposed skin.

It's when you're lying down, breathless, in between San's arms that he starts talking, answering your question from earlier that night. The numbers on the back of the necklace, the coordinates, are of a star San bought in your name. He literally bought you a star and named it 'astéri'.

"You deserve the whole galaxy, and yet I do not have the power to retrieve it for you. This way, you can have a piece of the outer world, and it can have a piece of you"

You don't think you've ever felt so loved in your life. You had fallen for San so quickly, so hard. It's hard to imagine a time when he wasn't in your life, despite the fact that you hadn't known him long, everything with him just felt so right.

You were sure you were meant to be with San in every lifetime, meant to spend every moment of your life with him. When you told him this, it had been the first time you ever saw him cry, genuinely cry. It was as if your words affected him more than you knew. You're sure they did.

That's one thing you never did understand about San, he has told you everything about himself, but you still felt as if something was missing, a piece of information locked away, it was like he was guarding it, scared you would find out. He thought he hid it well, but you prided yourself on knowing people, knowing your boyfriend. You trusted him. He would tell you when he was ready.

You and San would watch the stars burn out together, watch the world fall in each others arms, protected by a love so pure that the only thing left in the universe would be you and San

Taglist: @xavi-in-kpopland @itsvxlentine @liyatime @hetalia-pol @mommahwa1117

Home page | Ateez masterlist

[saturnandthewinter]

YOU'RE THE QUEEN OF THE KINGDOM THAT HAS MY WHOLE HEART

꒰ synopsis: fate has a weird way of working and you still can fully understand the way everything it's delicately interconnected

꒰ content warnings: nsfw (18+), fem!reader, smut, masturbation, male pov, fem pov, breeding kink if you squint, rough sex, making love, virgin reader (at one scenario), Tangerine is a bit of an asshole, emotionally constipated idiots

author's note: this is probably bad, english it's not my first language, no beta we die like men, im still simping about a motherfucker called Tangerine, lalalas

Tangerine knew that there was no such thing as an easy job, but Jesus Christ nobody ever told him that things could be this fucking difficult.

Lemon warned him. His brother, god bless his good soul, tried to talk his way out of this ridiculous job, but Tangerine didn't listen to him. Maybe he truly was a Gordon after all.

At first, the decision seemed easy. Rescue the White Death's son and bring back the ransom money for a great payment or rescue Tora's sister and keep a job as a nanny in a luxurious house without having to worry about anything but your safety until your brother himself kill the motherfucker who decided to mess with his remaining family for a marvelous payment.

Lemon thought the second option was too easy, too good to be true. Turns out fate really was on their side because the White Death's mission was some kind of trap and everything went to shit. From what they heard, they were going to be dead if they accepted that job.

And now here he was.

Sitting in a ginormous comfortable chair with a fantastic book that he got from your bookcase trying to read while you and Lemon were on the couch talking excitedly about an anime that you convinced him to watch saying that in exchange you would watch all the twenty-four seasons of Thomas the Tank Engine.

He didn't know how much longer he could handle this situation with sanity in his mind, but with how much your brother was paying just for them to keep you safe inside your house he knew he would rather eat his right hand out of his body than mess this up. Even because Lemon, that traitor, was having the time of his life. Every day since the second half of the first week in your house, Lemon says he's grateful for Tangerine accepting the job. The easiest job of their life. And the higher-paying too.

Maybe, just maybe, if Tangerine was a little bit less of a professional this actually would be the easiest job in his life. A beautiful house in the middle of a forest that looks like a scenario out of the fucking Twilight movie that you made Lemon watch in exchange for that one cartoon with the human and the dog, his brother is happy that he finally got a friend to share his interests, a good payment at the end of every month, not even one day of violence since the beginning of this job and you.

The level of frustration and violence running wild in his body is not comprehensible, right?

Everything was just perfect.

.

.

.

Except Tangerine wanted to bend you on every surface in sight and fuck you dumb on his cock at every opportunity. It was the first time he tried to resist the impetus to take something that he wanted and maybe Lemon was right and he should have seen a therapist. But you were just so sweet, always concerned about his well-being, always smiling in the morning and making coffee for you and Lemon and tea for him, always offering yourself to moisturize his hair and asking his opinion on everything like the food you cooked or the books he's reading. It would be hard to resist nevertheless.

But again, Tangerine was a professional. The fact that your brother was one of the most dangerous mafia leaders in Eurasia and you used to date his best mate before he got murdered trying to protect you a few years ago sending your brother into a spiral of madness and cruelty was just a detail.

He didn't know your brother very well, and it was hard to gather pieces of information about him, or you for that matter, but you seemed very fond of him and even if he continued to ignore you every time you tried to reach him you didn't allow him and Lemon speak a bad word about him.

Your soft voice was distracting him from the words displayed in front of him. He didn't even recognize exactly what was being said because he was trying really hard to ignore Lemon and pay attention just to the sound of your voice. Your sweet voice. He didn't know if he was able to live without listening to you every day from now on.

Given the amount of erotic and vivid dreams he's having about you, he doesn't think he will, but physically was way better than his imagination. Although he didn't have the chance to listen to your moans and sighs in reality yet. He did listen to you beg to him once. "Please, Tangerine. Please. I promise you will enjoy it. Let's watch this movie with us." you had said. The first phrase got printed in his brain like a burn and it's almost present in every dream he has about you. You beg so prettily, pouting unconsciously just a little bit. A truly divine sight.

He could feel his cock getting hard at the memory and the annoyance building up inside him together with the hot white desire he feels for you. Why did you have to be so perfect and so good for him? Tangerine knew he would ruin you if he got the chance.

He wanted to fuck you so hard that you wouldn't be able to walk in the ridiculous aristocratic way you always do like the world knows better than demand hurry from you. He would fill you with his dick until you couldn't feel anything else, but him. No sadness, no worries, nothing. Only him and his burning love and desire for you. He would put your mouth to use and with the way you're always so careful with everything you do to him, he bet you would be a natural. He just know you would worship his cock with kisses battling your long lashes at him until he couldn't take any more teasing and started to fuck your mouth with wild abandon like the madman he is. And you would let it because you would be so good to him.

Given the chance, he would kiss you for hours. Slow kisses, steamy makeouts, soft pecks after fucking your brains outs. He wouldn't waste a chance to claim your lips in rough passionate kisses.

But he doesn't get a chance with pretty little things like you. He's not like your ex.

Did Tangerine know anything about your ex or the depths of your relationship? No, just the thought of you loving and touching someone that wasn't him makes him sick in the stomach. But he could tell by the way you spoke about him with Lemon sometimes that he had been different from him.

Although there's one thing that you said that stuck with him and made him think that maybe he and Draken are not that different after all. "He used to say that I was the queen of the kingdom that has his whole heart. I guess I'm in exile now huh?" You spoke softly and laughed when Lemon said he didn't understand what you meant.

Tangerine understood. He understood very well. And given the chance he would give you another kingdom to rule.

"Oh, for fuck sake, you both don't know how to shut up?" Tangerine shouts angrily out of nowhere and both you and Lemon are staring at him like he's some sort of alien.

It's not out of nowhere. He got an aching boner and if he didn't know himself any better he could say a broken heart. He denied himself too much, but you two didn't know that so it looks like out of nowhere.

Your face does show something, a brief emotion he can't read it very well, but after you press the heels of your hands against your eyes and he listens to your small quivering voice, he knows he fucked up again.

"I'm going to my room. I'll sleep early tonight. You guys feel free to stay here in the living room as long as you want okay"

His eyes followed your figure and maybe lingered a little bit on your round arse until you were leaving his sight. Tangerine wants to hug and apologize promising he'll never scream at you again, that he'll never let you sad again. But he can't so maybe it's for the better if you think he's a crazy unpredictable angry man. Like that, you'll stop treating him affectionately and will give him what he deserves from you. Nothing. He wasn't worth of you and he knows it.

Turning his head forward he comes across his brother facing him. They both keep staring at each other and Tangerine suspects Lemon knows what's up with him.

"Gordon wouldn't act like that." Lemon said with a straight face and turned around to face the TV.

If the room was a little bit more silent would be possible to listen to Tangerine's heart breaking a little more.

--x--

The cold of the night was soothing against your warm body and restless mind. You easily could see how you got yourself in this situation, but at the same time, you had no idea how you ended up like this: baking a lemon cake at two in the morning, trying to keep yourself from making a very reckless mistake that could get you in a lot of trouble.

Five years ago your first love and long-term boyfriend Draken got murdered trying to protect you. He was your brother's best friend since childhood and early in your teenage years they started a gang but things escalated quickly. An amazing duo, an unstoppable force, and delicious naive if you stop to think about it now. Nothing could ever last forever.

After your lover's death, your brother started spiraling into a darker path mentally and morally. He became a ruthless murderer, a tireless man, and crawled his way to the top distancing himself from every single person he used to hold dear, including you.

At least that was what everybody thought, but you know that's not true. Even if he refused to talk to you or answer your texts, he never blocked you. He bought you this house, a house that he knew was your dream house since you both were teenagers.

A soft laugh escapes your mouth at the memory while you finish putting the dough into the cake pan. You always said how much you would love to live like the Cullens and even if he claimed he always slept when you forced him, Draken, and the rest of your group of friends to watch Twilight in those rainy autumn evenings, you knew he was paying attention. You just knew. Just like you know he's not the monster people think he is. He's your brother and you have known him all your life.

He still keeping you safe even from afar just like he promised he would after your older brother died in your childhood. He's still your Leo. You know if you could just talk to him, face to face, you could knock some sense into him, but he never let you get close to him. Maybe he knew that too and that's why he refuses to see you but he wouldn't give up on you so you will not give up on him.

Putting the cake pan in the oven you ask yourself how you still handling life without losing your mind. Again, baking a cake in the middle of the night was not the best sign that your mind was 100%, but it's not like you are in the worst-case scenario given your history and current situation. Being a baby witch helps because gives you a sense of fate and fate brings you hope that you are not insane when you feel that everything is going to be alright sooner rather than later. Or maybe you're just delusional, but it works too.

But you didn't feel delusional. You feel like there are missing pieces to this puzzle and that's partially the reason why you awake to see dawn once again. Only partially. You don't like to admit it, but the man sleeping in the room next to yours is also a factor that contributes to your insomnia.

Sitting in the cold soft chair next to the kitchen bench, you let yourself relax a little while looking at the soft light radiating from the oven. Cake for breakfast, just like when you were a child and you had both of your brothers and nothing to worry about, but before you could drown deep in your thoughts a man appears right in front of you, and before you could scream, Lemon's hand cover your mouth and finally you're back to reality.

"What are you doing?" He asks without removing his hand from your mouth so you grab his wrist and push it down yourself.

"What does it look like I’m doing?” you ask.

Rubbing the back of his neck Lemon says a little wary. “Well, to be quite honest it looks like you're going a bit mental."

That gets your attention and your eyes finally snap up to his.

“I’m not going mental, Lemon! I’m making a lemon cake." you say trying to sound calm and composed "Clearly.”

He blinks once, twice. “A lemon cake?”

“Yes.”

“At two in the morning?” Lemon it's trying to read you right now, but he doesn't know which Thomas character he can use to understand you better nor he has watched an episode that could prepare him for this.

You pause, and then answer with a straight face: “Yes. Clearly.”

The younger fruit keeps looking at you expecting you to elaborate a little bit more, but no explanation comes out of your mouth. In the deep silence of the kitchen you both keep staring at each other. You shift your weight between your feet and keep your eyes on his waiting for something, anything, to happen and save you from this situation because you know if you don't make an excuse plausible enough, Lemon will figure you out.

Suddenly you hear a step at the stairs and you know it. He listened to you both talking and he is coming to see what this is about. That's not what you meant when you said you wanted anything to save you from this situation.

A deep voice with a thick british accent comes from behind you. "What the fuck?" Tangerine asks and you know, even without turning around, he's pissed that he got his precious sleep disturbed.

At the first month in your house, he was cranky enough, but Lemon said it was his normal self. A little bit aggressive, a little bit sarcastic, and a huge asshole, but it was his normal self after all so you didn't mind him. He's keeping you safe, he's a good brother and that's such a personal subject for you, he's intelligent and has such good taste in books. He's so unbelievably handsome too. But as time went by he got irrationally angry at little things and apparently he couldn't get a decent night of sleep in a while.

"I'm baking a lemon cake." You answer still without turning around and you're surprised that you can keep your voice calm.

"Why the fuck you would bake a lemon cake at TWO IN THE MORNING? A lemon one nonetheless. It's this some kind of fucking twisted joke? "Let's bake a lemon cake and wake Tangerine up just as he was closing his eyes after hours trying to sleep?". This fucking ridiculous, assholes. If you want to be insane at least keep it quiet." At the end of his little speech he was screaming and although you didn't know exactly what your face was showing, Lemon seemed to take pity on you and decided to speak for you.

"Tangerine, mate, you need to get help."

Oh, at least he tried.

"I need to get help? I'm the one who needs to get help? You both inconsiderate twats decided to be insane and bake a lemon cake late at night and chit-chat until you wake a poor lad trying to rest and I need to get help?" You could bet that Tangerine eye was doing that little twitch thing that always happens when he was about to get into a discussion with Lemon.

"Look, first of all: we weren't even talking that loud, but most importantly: this is her house. It may be a little weird, but there's nothing wrong about it."

You gathered courage enough to turn around and face Tangerine. You weren't scared of him, that was not the problem here. That would be too easy. You could just send a text to Leo and your brother would find someone else to protect you. The real problem was you were uncontrollably attracted to him and how could you not? The man was a god among men, handsome enough to make pornstaches sexy again. When he was angry you could see the veins in his neck popping, his face slowly reddening, his blue eyes darkening and his accent getting thicker while spitting all kinds of curses and insults. But now, in addition to these classical traits, his soft curly hair was falling around his head and he was shirtless, his waistband hanging dangerously slow.

Oh god, you hope he didn't catch your wondering eyes following the line of the hair just below his belly button into his pants.

You already touched yourself thinking of him today. Twice. Nothing new, you've been doing this for almost two months now. But three times was a new personal record.

You had just finished coming down your high when you decided that you wanted to distract your mind from wandering to him again and the best way to do this was baking a cake. But fate had other plans and now you had no choice but to touch yourself again. You honestly don't know how much you could resist the urge to get into your knees and beg to suck him for all he's worth, but if you could delay this humiliation a little bit longer, you would.

You got lost in your thoughts again and didn't realize when the shouting match between the twins started.

Your voice was small, but both of them stopped talking the moment you made yourself present in the situation. "I'm sorry, Tangerine. It was my fault. It will not happen again. Sorry for waking you too, Lemon. I just wanted to clear my mind and baking helps. Let's go back to bed, shall we?" Not a complete lie, just not the whole truth, you think to yourself hoping they would buy it.

You get up without saying anything else and walk towards the stairs hoping you can keep your walk as normal as it ever is and pray that they don't notice how much you wanna run from the kitchen. You still hear their voices from upstairs. "She was kidnapped and we have no idea what happened to her, man." Lemon said trying to defend you, but you already closed the door of your room so you couldn't know how Tangerine replied.

Your cat, Luna, was spread around your bed like she worked all day to pay the rent that was due. Your chance of trying to relieve the aching between your legs was ruined by this fur ball because you may be going a little bit mental, but you draw a line at masturbating around your pet.

Climbing to the soft surface you finally let yourself relax. Luna didn't enjoy it being disturbed, but quickly forgave you when you wrapped your arms around her and started caressing her ears. Feeling the soft fabric of your nightgown and the warmth of your cat around your chest, you started to succumb to the tiredness and the dark even if the desire running through your veins didn't vanish as you would liked to.

Maybe if he wasn't hired by your brother to look out for you or maybe if he actually could develop a relationship with you, but most importantly maybe if he didn't hate your guts for no reason... Maybe if wasn't for that you could try despite the odds. But all you can do right now it's wish for good dreams.

And this was your last thought before falling asleep.

--x--

In the silence of his room, laying in his bed, Tangerine knew he couldn't deny himself any longer. Your flimsy nightgown and perky nipples because of the cold night were his last straw.

He could feel his member in his hand, hot, pulsing, and begging for relief inside his pants.

God knows how much he tried to avoid this from happening because he knows once he lets his mind succumb just a little to the thought of you he will need more and more and soon just thinking about you will not be enough. But now it's over. His cock was throbbing so much and was desperately needing release.

Every goddamn time you made him hard he tried touching himself picturing another woman, but every time it was you that he was imagining you without him even noticing what he was doing. When Tangerine switched back to another woman he became almost instantly soft. It was driving him to the brink of madness and he couldn't deny himself any longer.

He was so eager to finally give in that he didn't even know where to begin with. Should he let you take the lead and be the sweet little thing he knows you are and be all soft and small kisses before giving in to desire shyly and slowly or should he take the lead and ravish you without mercy making you succumb to him faster and messier?

He wants to go down on you, that's for sure, but he can't decide between exploring your body slowly, anticipating you when he finally starts to eat you out, or going straight to the place he dreamed of for almost three months now and devour you until he was satisfied.

"Fucking hell, I need to slow down or I'll come and I didn't even decide exactly how I'm going to take her." Tangerine was getting close to spilling himself all over your stolen panties just with the flashes that he was conjuring of you but he wasn't able to decide how to make you his yet. He decided to test himself to see how much control he had over his body in case he needed to be soft and tender with you in case you're still a virgin and just cum after he was able to conjure both scenarios in his head without touching himself during this process of torture. He needed to prove himself worthy of you and be prepared for all possibilities concerning your well-being.

Tangerine moves his hands to his hair, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath imagining you asking for him to be careful with you "Please, go easy with me okay? I've never done this, not even with Draken? So please be gentle" you would say and he couldn't explain the feeling that bloomed in his chest and made his dick twitch uncontrollable.

"Of course, love. Do you feel prepared enough?" he asked while rubbing his cock along your slick pussy making obvious with the lewd sounds that you were more than ready.

"Yes."

"Can I put in?" he answered pressing the tip of his member in your tight opening.

"Yeah. And don't need to have pity okay? Just worry if I say stop unless keep going" Oh, but how could he not be pitiful of you if you're such a crybaby and he crumbles when he sees you with a tear in your eyes?

"Okay, darling. I'll try my best." Tangerine whispers against your neck, his hot breath making you shiver, before pressing his tip further into you making you suck a little breath.

You put your arms in his shoulders looking down mesmerized by the scene of finally having Tangerine filling you.

At that thought his cock throbbed so violently he instantly knew that he needed to be a little more alert otherwise he would cum before imagining you getting fucked dumb on his cock.

Tangerine is trying to calm himself after being carried away for too long taking deep breaths and holding firm the base of his dick so he wouldn't finish before accomplishing his goal. You will be the death of him, he's sure. Your pussy will be his reason to come back after every job in one piece. He just knew that.

His cock was running hot but stopped twitching a few seconds ago. He was stiff as a board and couldn't even phantom the idea of letting go of the tight grip on his hair because he needed to keep his hands firmly placed somewhere away from his painful and sensitive member.

After a few ragged breaths, he started to move his hand again, slowly and avoiding his sensitive tip.

He knows that once he's fully settled inside your warm tight cunt, he'll be careful and take it slow with you. There's nothing worse than the pace he's imagining for you. Nothing so torturous as feeling you heat swallowing him every time, her walls so tight and unused, begging him to just start going feral, but he knows he need to make you get used to his size.

So, just like that, he's fantasizing about taking you. Slowly, kissing you with eyes closed and tongue insistent, swallowing your mixed moans of pain and pleasure.

The pain was almost too much to bear, but so good at the same time. And the pleasure, oh God, the pleasure he's giving you. Your brain could only think of Tangerine, all you could only, feel, taste, and see was Tangerine. He was everywhere and you felt so full you swear you could feel your belly bulge a little.

Tangerine feels another violent throb run through his dick and his balls are twitching, itching for release. He let go of his dick again and press a pillow into his face screaming in frustration. A sudden urge to just give in and fuck his fist almost make him faint, but he can't give up now. His body was burning and his soft pink lips were bruised with how intense he was biting them, the skin on the verge of breaking with the force of his teeth.

He would never admit it, but the despair he was feeling was so intense that small tears were spilling from the side of his eyes.

"I can do this, I can do this" he thought to himself while taking deep breaths without the pillow on his face. His muscular chest was rising and falling quickly, the red in his face spread into his neck and started to fall into his pectorals, and his body was covered in a thin layer of sweat. A vision to behold.

Your shy tongue started to explore his neck, his skin hot against your wet tongue, and you could feel salty drops of sweat. Your teeth graze against the sensitive flesh and he let a breathy moan close to your right ear. Boldly you suck his pulsing point strong enough to leave a mark and he moans your name loud and clear.

These intrusive thoughts are the death of him. Even without taking his hands from his mischievous hair, his cock was pulsing against his abdomen, leaking from the tip. All his veins are startled like never before and his pretty sure his balls are getting really close to having cramps. Tangerine thought that maybe it was better to get shot in the neck than feel like this, delirious and fighting so hard to control himself for the first time in his life.

"Tangerine, I'm close, please" You didn't know exactly what you were begging for, but Tangerine knew. He picks up his pace? put his large, calloused hand around your neck applying a slight pressure, and keep his lips hovering over yours, like he's trying to decide if he wants to kiss you or keep listening to you moaning his name.

"Come on my cock, love. Be a good girl for me and let yourself go." His raspy voice so filled with desire and something that you still can't figure out what it is yet is enough to send you over the edge. Your orgasm is a hot white force that sends you over the edge and keeps your body spamming for what it seems forever.

The way you keep squeezing the life of his dick is enough to give Tangerine the best orgasm in his life. He's cumming so much inside of you that he's sure you're already full of his seed and he's not even finished yet.

"I can not do this." Tangerine says out loud. Did someone ever die of orgasm denial? Because he was sure he was about to. He was actually in tears at this point and was suspicious that blowing his load would not be that pleasing anymore. There was so much pre-cum pooling in his heated skin even with him stopping himself from touching his throbbing member a few minutes ago.

But now Tangerine could imagine how rough he would take you if this wasn't your first time and without his permission, his imagination started to run wild, and without him realizing it his hands started to crawl their way into his aching cock trying to relieve his pain.

He wasn't going to take it easy on you after everything you made him go through. Tangerine would take you hard, rough, borderline violent, and make you beg for more. More of him, unhinged, a beast out of the cage. More of what only he can give you. By the end, you would be completely addicted to him and his cock in the same way he was already addicted to you.

He would leave marks all over your small body. His fingertips would bruise the soft flesh of your thighs and of your round ass, bites, and hickeys around any smooth skin his hungry mouth could find. Your cunt would be tight and sensitive from the abuse his thick cock, a little too big for you, was making you endure it. But you would love every single second of it, Tangerine was sure.

His big hand was tightening his grip around your delicate neck cutting short your blood circulation and making you feel dizzy. The lewd sound you two were making, moans and skin slapping against skin, was out of a porn movie. To match his pornstache, you think.

You squeeze your tight walls around him and he groans so deep from his chest that you unconsciously squeeze him again.

"Fuck, my dirty little whore. You want me to come inside you so much huh? Is that what you want, love? My cum filling you up to the brim, leaking of you for days?" Tangerine's mouth is right against your ear so you can hear all the sweet sounds he makes, but listening to his voice calling you "his", degrading you, and calling you "love" sends you to another level of delirious"

Tangerine was sure he was losing his mind with how vivid his fantasies were, but now that he was getting close and actually was going to be able to cum he didn't want to question himself about it. His cock was throbbing in his hand, the sounds getting out of his mouth were pure filthy, and his fist slapping against his skin were the only thing he could focus on.

"Tangerine, please, please, please. I'm so close. Keep going just like that, but I'm begging you. Cum inside me. Let's cum together. Please?"

His heart missed a beat. He was staring at your pleading big doe eyes, left hand holding your hips in a bruising grip, right hand still holding your neck itching to give you a soft slap in the face.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Tangerine hisses through his perfect white teeth and when he's just about to spill all his seed, he fantasizes about you saying you love him, right after you finish. He's imagining you pulling him into your tight embrace after he pumped you full of his seed, his head resting on your soft tits, both of you trembling and heavy breathing.

Deep down he wants to think that you were holding all of his ugly and twisted sides of him. Deep down he's dreaming that you hugging him despite his dark desire for the result of this night to be your belly swollen with his child.

And with that wild picture, you round with his baby inside you, he cums. And he doesn't stop cuming, his balls heavy with much more of his thick seed to spill. Such a mess everywhere. His hand, abs, cock. He was sure you wouldn't mind licking him clean.

The sudden image of you on your knees with his cock in your mouth sends a new wave of fresh desire through his guts. Looking left while sighing he sees your stolen panties. In the middle of his self-imposed torture he forgot about it, but now he's going to start over he could put it to good use. He doesn't mind his burning, sweaty body nor his lack of oxygen because of his uneven breathing, the only thing he cares about it now it's his still hard cock.

This is gonna be a long night, isn't it?

--x--

You wake up the next morning feeling thoroughly fucked feeling your body running hot. You have a few flashes of your dream with Tangerine and you are actually on the verge of tears realizing that it was just a dream just like Bella in Breaking Dawn. In the only day you don't touch yourself to the thought of him it's the day that your brain reminds you of what you shouldn't try to ignore.

Maybe if you didn't manifested your life in your early teens wishing a life like Twilight and other book series your life wouldn't be such a mess right now and even with all the disasters in the history, the romance plot was the one consuming you the most.

Speaking of manifestation, you did asked for a sign that the spell you used of that old book with hand-written spells worked. And since you don't believe in coincidences there must be a connection between these things no? Maybe you should ask for a clearer sign.

[peachdoxie]

I don't think I ever really processed the trauma I went through in OCD treatment and reblogging that comic about OCD the other day really triggered me and arghhhhhhh I don't know what to do about it. Thoughts I guess.

The main thing is like, any time I would express doubts that I actually have OCD, my therapist (who specialized in OCD) would tell me that doubting that I have OCD is actually a very common symptom of OCD, and it felt like he refused to actually listen to my doubts when I was like "my avoidance happens because there's some block in my brain that I can't get past and it's not rooted in anxiety."

Like, because he thought I had OCD that meant that any thought or behavior I expressed automatically was because of OCD and not like, adhd, autism, fibromyalgia, sensory processing disorder, etc. It felt like my only options were to agree with him (which I didn't want to do because I don't!) or continue arguing and therefore just confirm what he already thought.

And like honestly it made me almost question my sense of reality when I was like "I'm avoiding this thing because I'm worried the physical exertion will trigger an asthma attack or tachycardia event or fibromyalgia flare up or migraine" and he'd be like "but what if it doesn't and you're fine?" and I was like "I can't take that risk because of how long it takes me to recover from these health issues" then he'd say "OCD treatment is about learning that you can and have to work through discomfort and, yes, even pain" and honestly if not for the fact that I have a strong sense of self and years of experience to back this up, I might have started to doubt that my health issues were really as bad (even though they are!) as I was perceiving them.

Like one exercise I had to do was increase my anxiety (to show myself that I can handle anxiety) by hyperventilating through a coffee stirrer for a set number of seconds, and I was supposed to do it even if I was going to black out but when I said I felt like that was too risky for me because of the aforementioned health issues (the tachycardia especially) he just kept trying to convince me to do it even though I kept saying I don't think I should!

And he kept suggesting things to convince me to do tasks, like if I don't do xyz by our next appointment I have to donate ALL of my savings to a political cause I disagree with, and I was like "that just creates more anxiety for me because I genuinely do not think I can do this thing because my brain won't let me!" That was the last session I saw him because I cancelled after that.

Honestly I think the main reasons OCD therapy was so traumatic for me were 1) I constantly felt invalidated when I expressed concerns and 2) I was being misinterpreted by someone who refused to listen to me. That second one is something that actually really bothers me a lot and some of the biggest falling outs I've had with friends in high school were when they misinterpreted something I said as malicious and used it against me. But the invalidation of my concerns goes right along with it.

The thing is too the part of me that does have perseverance and anxiety—not the logical side of me, that is—still worries that maybe he was right all along and I do have OCD and all of my problems are just because I don't think I can do something so I don't, even though my logical brain can point to all of the evidence contrary to that worry.

Like yeah, I do have intrusive thoughts that cause my anxiety, but I'm pretty good at handling them. And my avoidance is based in past experience of "if I trigger one of my health issues by doing one of these specific things that have triggered them in the past, it will make the rest of my week very difficult as I struggle to recover and play catch-up." It's like, what anxiety I have is most often based in very real, very tangible worries—and even now, I'm struggling not to start spiraling about it, so I'll stop before I get there.

Tbh the only good thing to come out of those six months of hell was the conclusion that the vast majority of my problems aren't caused by anxiety and that there is something else going on, whether it's autism, adhd, fibromyalgia, or whatever. I'm not sure it outweighs the trauma, but hey I learned something I guess.

Tbh I try not to be too pissed at myself for seeking OCD treatment in the first place and basically wasting my leave of absence by making minimal progress. I decided to listen to the therapist who diagnosed me (different from the OCD treatment therapist) instead of going with my idea of seeking help from an autism/adhd therapist, because I tend to defer to authorities on things like that—though I will say, the negativity and fearmongering on Tumblr around getting autism/adhd diagnoses certainly didn't help.

I think overall it's frustrating because I will never get closure with the OCD therapist. He will always have misinterpreted me and refused to listen to me, and I'll just have to live with that.

It's also frustrating because I don't think either therapist necessarily did anything wrong, per se, since they were looking at what evidence they had from their experience in their fields, which certainly biased them—and they both admitted to me that they don't know much about autism or adhd, and I should have taken that as a yellow flag and bailed sooner—and I'm going to shut up because the spiral is starting again.

Anyway if you read all this, thanks I guess. I'm mostly just train of thought writing to get the thoughts out of my head (perseveration is a symptom of OCD but also of adhd/autism and I need to keep reminding myself that). Please don't give me advice or suggest I reach out to either therapist please. Compassion only.

Please also don't try to convince me that I do have OCD because I don't need someone encouraging my anxiety spiral.

[mllemaenad]

Right, well, I wanted to write, so I'm going to do that, even if my wrists hurt. Things I will pay for later, but make me feel better now.

Have now listened to episodes 1 and 2 of The Magnus Protocol.

My first impression is that this is much worse than what was going on in The Magnus Archives.

The Magnus Institute was a private institution with no obvious access to other people's information (Magnus's occasional psychic spying notwithstanding). Most information it received seems to have at least been given willingly. There are a handful of instances of John forcing people to talk, yes, but not so many that I am constantly concerned for the privacy of London's citizens. Gertrude is said to have disliked compelling people to talk (Family Business), so while her tally very likely exceeds John's purely due to the length of time she was in the job, it's still probably not very high. It's impossible to account for the behaviour of previous archivists of course but, well, the whole place is set up to entice people in to tell their tales. I would hazard that most of the materiel in the archives was volunteered.

Even in cases where someone was forced – at least they knew about it, because they were there. The lady in Scrutiny who was so deeply disturbed by John's behaviour was also able to make that behaviour stop just by rolling up to The Magnus Institute and reporting it – which is a reasonably straightforward outcome, given the general weirdness of their world.

I don't mean to say that The Magnus Institute didn't do harm – it very obviously did. But even in terms of its final apocalypse, we're looking at a horror that lasted mere months (assuming a passage of time that broadly corresponds to the broadcasting schedule) before a group of disgruntled employees (and Georgie) burned the nightmare tower down, stabbed Magnus and reset reality. There were limitations to The Magnus Institute's reach, and Jonah Magnus's personal ambitions concluded with an utter, embarrassing flop by any reasonable estimation.

Here, though, you're looking at a government department with truly concerning access to people's data. The forum-based statement in First Shift is perhaps not too awful (forum threads can often be read by anyone, even if actually posting requires an account), but the earlier piece regarding the bereaved woman was a private email thread, and the story in Making Adjustments is drawn from a recording of a woman's session with her therapist. Sam calls out the massive invasion of privacy this sort of thing entails, but is shut down on the grounds that it's fine because they "work for the government".

Alice Ok, so looks like it's an email. Sam And I just… read it? Is that even legal? Alice Probably. We do work for the government. Sort of. Sam What about GDPR? Alice Look, Sam, I don't know what to tell you. This is the job. I've been doing it for years and there's never been any problems. Maybe ask Lena? She’d probably know. – The Magnus Protocol: First Shift

While it is too early to definitively establish the worldbuilding rules here:

In The Magnus Archives, giving a statement was functionally feeding an eldritch power

Gertrude Robinson took statements, but kept the archives themselves in a state of disarray, to impede Magnus's plans (Dwelling)

Much of The Magnus Archives played on the difference between knowing a thing and understanding it

The characters in The Magnus Protocol are not just collecting, but blindly categorising statements – they are organising them by keyword, but not encouraged to analyse what they see or hear – Alice notes that they are paid not to care (Making Adjustments)

At least in The Magnus Archives, making a statement tended to come with consequences: typically horrifying recurring nightmares

So you have to wonder – what consequences will there be for these people, who have had their stories stolen from them?

In terms of workplace horror, this is very much coming at it from the opposite direction. The Magnus Archives was about the horrible job you couldn't quit. Most people find themselves stuck in these for economic reasons rather than supernatural ones, although in fairness both Martin (Children of the Night) and Melanie (Dig) are explicitly called out as very much needing the work, but the characters are nevertheless stuck and constantly call back to the fact that they would absolutely quit – if only they could.

It ran on punishing hours and constant exhaustion, the expectation that you would take on tasks you were in no way qualified or trained for (this started with "archiving" and escalated quickly to "apocalypses"), the boss who expected you to "just know" things you couldn't possibly know at all, and a soul destroying amount of responsibility with little hope of advancement. The same person ran the institute since its founding, literally consuming his employees along the way, and if you wanted, say, to be Head Archivist, you were very much stuck waiting for the current occupant of the role to die.

It is significant that, with the noted exception of Eric Delano, all of Gertrude's assistants died on the job (some of them by her hand), and tallying John's assistants is a bit like listing off the wives of Henry VIII: dead, dead, dead, divorced, survived, status unknown. While the story leans on deaths for drama, it gets a lot of mileage out of using historical data, so characters stick around. It's weird for them to be actually gone.

The Magnus Protocol opens with Teddy quitting the OIAR to take a job in insurance. The very first thing you learn about this place is that people leave, and this idea is reinforced a number of times even in the first two episodes: Gwen is pressured to resign by Lena because she is "difficult", and Lena notes outright that, for most people, this job is strictly short term:

Lena Hmmm. I’ve always known you thought you were slumming it down here, but I never actually considered you might think of this as the first step of a career. Most people simply move on within 12 months or so. Gwen I’m not most people. – The Magnus Protocol: First Shift

Moreover, Making Adjustments concludes first with a fraught conversation about possible redundancies and then with Alice accusing Sam (however playfully) of looking to "jump ship" when he's seen researching The Magnus Institute.

This is the horrible job you might lose tomorrow. While the threat in The Magnus Archives was that you were probably going to die in this job, here it leans more toward – if you didn't show up tomorrow, who would question it? People leave.

It is a night shift, for no clear reason – they're doing data entry on what definitely looks like non-essential information so why the hell can't they do that in the day? Employees are not encouraged to think about their work, and Gwen is criticised for favouring accuracy over speed. It is grimly impersonal, and what little solidarity there is appears to be hard won; it's noted, for instance, that Colin is really only social with Alice, and Alice seems committed to team camaraderie.

But above that is the sense that the employees are considered too insignificant to participate in what is really happening here. I mean, among other things, Colin seems to be having a wildly different workplace experience to everyone else.

Alice postulates that they are a fossilised department – one that only really exists because it's been forgotten – although even she notes that the theory only works if you don't poke at it too hard:

Sam I've no real idea what the OIAR even is. Alice You and everyone else. I’ve checked and there's not really much info on it. My current working theory is that maybe it got set up in the 70s, back when everyone was off their tits on LSD and giving ghost-hunters massive grants to wave crystals in graveyards. I reckon at some point they must have put together a small government department to, like, oversee the spending and monitor this stuff and no-one's noticed it's still going. Sam Makes sense. Alice As long as you don’t pay too much attention. – The Magnus Protocol: First Shift

Even if that is a bit extreme, the general consensus is that their work goes nowhere and does nothing. Which fits broadly with the general lack of action and urgency in the department ... unless you happen to be Colin.

Alice Colin! There’s my guy! How's it hanging? Is it an app yet? Do we have a minimalist logo? I assume you’ve finished all the social features? Colin Don't you start. I swear I'm going to shove a cable down that prick's throat, pull it out his ministerial anus and floss him to death. ... Teddy Colin, mate, you know you’re never getting out of here. Colin Christ, don’t say that. Teddy Even if his nibs lets you off the hook, which he won’t, you couldn’t bring yourself to just leave. Not 'til you’ve figured out all these fun little errors. Colin Or they finally kill me. ... Colin I already have to explain to some chinless inbred politician that we’re running on something as old as the goddamn Atari Falcon, now I’ve got some green little smartarse giving me lip for it too? Well you can take your funny little lines and shove them up – – The Magnus Protocol: First Shift

Colin, specifically, is suffering from ministerial oversight. A lot of it, apparently. Departments that only continue to exist because they've been forgotten don't typically have the responsible minister leaning on the IT manager. Not even on the boss – the IT guy. It's interesting because his specific level of stress and frustration seems more consistent with what was going on in The Magnus Archives than here.

And then, of course, there are the stories themselves. It's impossible not to note that the text-to-speech programs sound an awful lot like the protagonists of the previous series. Presumably this is plot relevant, or else it's a really distracting choice. It's impossible to state at this stage whether that means it actually is them or not, but assuming for the moment that it is (because it is not interesting to discuss other possibilities until they become interesting) then what they have to say seems noteworthy.

They are presumably reacting to Sam specifically (welcome to the cursed protagonist club, new guy!), possibly to the box he ticked during onboarding, and likely to whatever past trauma led him to this job in the first place. And both seem to be issuing a warning.

Norris/Martin tells a story that Gwen classifies as "reanimation", but I admit I'm not sure I agree. The thing sounds like an iteration of the Anglerfish monster.

Norris/Harriet Winstead “Arthur? Is that you?” And that voice I have loved for twenty years answered: “Some of him.” – The Magnus Protocol: First Shift

Archivist Are you the same Sarah Baldwin that disappeared in Edinburgh in August 2006? Sarah Some of her. Skin. A few memories. Not on the inside. – The Magnus Archives: Return to Sender

That feels at least in part like an Easter egg – no newcomer is going to recognise the Anglerfish – but it is the crossing of the boundary: this is the first true story they heard, and proof that there is something very wrong with the world. And presumably the themes of grief and loss that pervade the story would relate pretty strongly to Martin's whole ... situation. I'm assuming nobody here chose to be a text-to-speech program.

Chester/John, meanwhile, issues a fairly stern warning about The Magnus Institute. The canary in the coal mine is a bit on-the-nose as a metaphor, sure, but if I were trying to explain to someone what was wrong with that place, I would likely also be blunt. The rough thing, though, is that quite explicitly no one heeds the warning: while the "removed" image is not described it pretty clearly illustrated RedCanary's fate. It's not just that the canary died down the mine. It's that it died in vain, because no one understood what killed it. And of course, it does pique Sam's interest to the point that he starts digging in to what happened. I'm disinclined to believe that curiosity is bad in these stories – if anything, John's issue was that he could never find out the things he needed to know fast enough to make a good decision. But there is a point there ... if you start looking into things, you have to be prepared to deal with them.

The third one, in Making Adjustments seems to be playing somewhat on The Picture of Dorian Gray: Sam and Gwen start the episode by doing practice runs on classification using classic horror, and the story, when it begins, draws on that confusion between art and subject. You can line Dorian up beside Dracula and Frankenstein any day. But the bigger point seems to be that the catalyst for this happened on camera:

Daria Before I could reply they hit a button on their set-up and suddenly we were live streaming with lights in my eyes and their arm tight around my shoulders. I don’t remember much of what they said to their viewers, but they kept telling everyone how lucky I was whilst they dragged me into the chair. – The Magnus Protocol: Making Adjustments

There are nested violations in this story: Daria expected a photo shoot, but at no point agreed to be tattooed on camera. Beyond that, the story she told in private to her therapist is now being recorded and catalogued by the OIAR. And whatever happened to Daria, this "Ink5oul" person seems to have profited by it, and by things like it.

I must admit, I'm not much of a "what entity is this" person, because as far as I could tell the general consensus on that in general fell between "that's arbitrary" and "all of them, probably, if only by their conspicuous absence". That sort of thing is very useful when talking about the people and their particular obsessions – if Simon Fairchild turned up, for example, you knew exactly what sort of aggravating bullshit you were in for – but worrying too much about the exact nature of a supernatural manifestation rarely leads anywhere useful.

I am more interested in the broader implications of how the story is told. In The Magnus Archives, the characters read the stories aloud – and usually adopted the persona, and sometimes even the accent – of the original statement giver. That had supernatural implications, of course, but also played into the broader themes of the story: John is very much invested in the individuals. The tragedy of Jane Prentiss, the mystery of Gertrude Robinson – these are his obsessions. Pretty much the only point he scores in his conversation with Leitner (The Librarian) is being able to instantly spot a passing reference to Gerard Keay: John is crap at the cosmology, but he's been paying attention to the people. Many of the recurring characters are very dead by the time the story starts, but they are kept alive in the narrative because the living characters step into their shoes, and care about what they did and what became of them.

Here, though, there is built in distance between the active protagonists and the individual horror stories. They largely don't even read them – Alice says she "skim(s) the case for keywords" (Making Adjustments) and otherwise tries to ignore what is happening. When a story is read aloud it is done by the text-to-speech programs, and they, as John and Martin did, adopt the personas of the authors in a way that sounds much more fluid than software from the 90s should be capable of. When the story comes straight from the source, it is not told to Sam or Alice or Gwen, but to someone else entirely. There is a reason for the audience to connect with the stories – from that external perspective you're getting pretty much the same thing you did in The Magnus Archives – but the actual characters have no reason to connect, or even to truly listen or empathise with what they're hearing, and doing so is regarded as a mistake.

Which makes you wonder – what might you miss when you're not paying attention to the people?

[the-wiggler]

I hope we kiss goodnight, it might just end my life

phyiscally cannot stop thinking about elliot and sunshine and im projecting bad in this fic but shhhh im allowed to.

sypnosis: sunshine cant sleep, except when elliot is around. [title is from Kiss Goodnight by IDKHOW]

word count: 1.1k

Their eyes slowly fluttered open, blue morning light washing over their room, tinting everything in the same hue. They were facing the ceiling now, their blanket tangled between their legs. 6 am. Their eyes fluttered shut, a weary sigh filling the empty room. That was what…2 hours of sleep? It’s better this way. Force themselves to sleep later, the self-induced insomnia meant that their brain prioritises deep sleep over REM, the dream-having sleep phase. That was what their therapist said anyway. Less sleep means less REM means less dreams means less nightmares.

Sure, it was an “unhealthy” coping mechanism, with its “averse” side effects, and a method their therapist “highly discouraged”. But if it meant fewer nightmares, Sunshine would brave the sluggishness, the irritation, the occasional nausea and the concerned looks from their friends.

Like now, as they sat on the worn, soft couch of Elliot’s apartment. Sinking into the worse-for-wear leather, scratched and faded in a way that perfectly matched Elliot’s second-hand-vintage-found-on-the-side-of-the-road-borderline-trash-esque design choices, they avoided the watchful gaze of their friend and hoped that their concealer had done a good enough job to cover their eyebags.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, because I think you look amazing as you are, Sunshine,” He chuckled, settling down next to them, “But, uh, you’re looking a little….worse for wear.”

Ok so maybe the concealer wasn’t doing the best job.

They waved their hand dismissively, making up some excuse about jobs, life, busy this, busy that, no time to rest. It came easily now. Lying, that is. And it wasn’t really a lie, they had filled and jam-packed their schedule full of random events to avoid a moment of rest, should they accidentally slip back into the ever-inviting embrace of sleep.

Not good enough for Elliot, though. As they watched his brow furrow in a way that made them want to instinctively smooth out, they racked their brain to reassure Elliot. There was, after all, no need to pile on more shit to Elliot’s plate.

“I’ve just been having trouble sleeping is all,” They reassured him quickly, “Nothing to worry about, I got some melatonin pills and it’s just taking some time to get used to.”

He conceded with one last concerned look, before turning his attention to the TV. “Alright, so, I was thinking for tonight, we could watch…The Tunnel? Or….Final Prayer?”

Now it was their turn to quirk an eyebrow. “You want to watch a horror movie? Mr. Never Watched FNAF, Mr. Scared of the Babadook, Mr-”

“Ok listen, I think we both know that the 4th FNAF game is genuinely horrifying. And, well, no, I’d much rather watch an actually feel-good movie. But if my bestest friend of all time has been raving about how wonderful this movie is, and has been feeling down, I will concede and watch whatever mind-fucky content you so eagerly consume as a coping mechanism. I’m simply fulfilling my best friend duties. No matter how messed up it is. And I will ignore how the fact that you watch horror movies as a coping mechanism is a major red flag and possibly a sign of a budding serial killer. Because I’m such a good friend. The best, even. ”

They scoff indignantly, “Ok, yeah I’m the serial killer. Says the one whose forever excuse is Sorry, was burying the bodies.”

It always starts like this. As Elliot loads up the movie, they make sure to maintain a completely platonic distance between them, two friends sitting on a couch, five feet apart because they are not pining for their ridiculously attractive, soft-hearted best friend. Elliot scoots closer, the leather dipping under his weight, forming a crater around them, cocooning them together, pushing Elliot closer to them. They feign annoyance as Elliot shoots a mischievous look at them. “Oh don’t think you’re getting away scot-free, Sunshine. I might be sacrificing several nights of sleep to cheer you up, but you’re going to be my human shield tonight. Trade-offs.”

Despite this, he wraps an arm around them, the dip of the couch pushing them snugly into his side. Who’s protecting who, Elliot? Regardless, they lean into his touch, his hand gently moving up and down their arm.

They blink.

The blanket around them definitely did not belong to them, but smelled familiarly comforting in a way that broke down all of Sunshine’s defences. Half asleep and not fully cognizant of their surroundings, they push themself deeper into the blanket burrow around them, instinctually chasing the fuzzy feeling of slowly waking up in the morning after a good, solid, rejuvenated night of sleep.

“Morning sleepyhead.” A familiarly husky voice; and the words don’t register, nothing but the groggy understanding that this voice emanated safety, understanding, and protection pulled Sunshine out of their dazed state. They push themselves up, rubbing their eyes to see Elliot standing there, morning hair unruly, beaming down at them. “You zonked out last night on my couch.”

Too groggy to come up with a retort, they lean into him as he sits next to them. He makes a noise of surprise, but otherwise lifts his arm to allow them to press into his side. “You’re oddly snuggly Sunshine,” He chuckles, pulling them closer, “And you fall asleep every time we hang out, am I that boring?” They half-heartedly slap his chest, feeling his chuckles reverberate through them. They sit there, in silence, simply enjoying the slow mornin in each others presence before Elliot clears his throat awkwardly.

“Anyways, uh, how was your sleep last night?”

“Good,” They mumble, “Slept well.” No nightmares, no dreams at all, actually rested. Better than they had all month

“That’s uh-that’s good.”

“Only ever sleep well when you’re around.” Still sleep-addled and fueled by the simple wants of the heart, they bring their arms to wrap around his torso, mumbling sleepily against his chest, “Maybe you’re magic.”

As they drift off back into a dreamless sleep, Elliot’s hands move to pull them in closer. Pressing a kiss to the crown of their head, he whispers, his voice impossibly soft, yearning dripping from his words, “Just for you, Sunshine.”

[ironstrange1991]

Strange Love (Part 3)

Pairing: Doctor!Strange x Fem!Reader

Synopsis: Tony is concerned about the state of Y/N and decides to ask Doctor Strange for help. Gradually, something more than friendship begins to sprout from the relationship between the two.

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: Mentions of past traumas, slight angst

A/N: Sorry for taking so long to post this. If it's any consolation, know that the next five chapters are already written and I hope to start posting them weekly. (I won't promise, though) Let's see what happens.

Chapter 3: Whole Again

“She's not getting better”  Tony Stark was starting to get worried about you. It had been almost a month since the tragic events in the basement and since then you had barely gotten out of bed, had barely eaten, and had not spoken to anyone.

“Maybe she needs more time, Tony” Pepper said trying to be understanding “Look at everything that happened, it's traumatizing.”

“Where's Strange?” Natasha asked “No one has seen him since that day.”

Tony shrugged “Kamar-Taj. Looks like it's in Nepal. Said he need time to get to know himself now that he have absorbed the other Stranger's powers. Honestly, it sounds very much like a mid-life crisis”

“She and Loki...” Natasha didn’t finished

“I don't know. It is possible that they broke up.”

Tony did not approve your relationship with Loki, but the abrupt way you pushed him away after Doctor Strange's death worried him. Several times Loki had tried to talk to you, but you refused to see him.

"Maybe we should take her to a doctor," Pepper suggested. "Maybe a therapist, someone she could talk to."

“No therapist in the world will be able to talk to her about the things that happened” Tony said discouraged  “I saw it and I'm still trying to believe it”

“All this has been out of the media until now and we want to keep it that way. Talking about these things with anyone outside can be dangerous”  Natasha said apprehensively.

Tony wasn't surprised by the calculating way Romanoff looked at things, and he had to admit that she was right.

“I just want her to get better, but my hands are tied. I do not know what to do.”

  ...

The hours passed before your eyes forming days, weeks, a month...

The memories haunted you, you couldn't believe everything that had happened, you were sad, but it was a strange sadness, it was a bitter and dangerous thing.

You were sitting in an armchair watching the fireplace on, it was daytime but all the curtains were closed.

Someone knocked on the door and you jumped. The door opened, it was Tony.

“I'm loving the new decoration of this place” He said looking at the apartment “Low light, no air, broken glass... I liked it.”

You did not answer.

He approached you “You've been here for four weeks, it's starting to make me nervous” He looked at you, his eyes wide open  “I'm... terrified actually.”

You continued in silence.

“Listen... I can't say I understand what you're feeling... at most I can make a poor comparison with when half the universe was dusted and I lost important people for 5 years... I had to deal with all this pain, but I imagine it's not the same thing for you.

You stared at him with red, swollen eyes. He sat on the couch next to you.

“What I'm trying to say is that I've lost several times... you know that better than anyone, but... at some point we have to move on. You are alive and I am sure that right now you didn’t want to be, but you are. So please listen to me, you need to go back living.”

He sighed putting his head in his hands, his elbows on his knees “It's all so strange out there, everything is so quiet, I've barely been able to work... I... I'm very worried about you. Please y/n, you know I love you, right?”

You looked at him and tears were streaming down your face  “Tony...”

He hugged you and you collapsed on his shoulder in tears.

 “It's okay, put it out.” He let you cry until you calmed down and then he touched your face, pulling your hair behind your ears and stroking it. “It's going to be okay. I know it’s hard but I am here for you. Always.”

He managed to convince you to take a shower and brought food, you sat down at the table, but at the first bite your stomach turned and you pushed the plate away.

He watched you sitting at the other side of the table apprehensively “You didn't like it, ok, I can order something. How about pizza? It’s your favorite, isn’t it?”

You shook your head.

“You need to eat or you'll get sick, please y/n, I'm trying here.”

He gave up trying to get you to eat after a while. He wanted you to come down, but you could barely walk and you were always so tired.

He didn't argue anymore and took you to your room when he realized it was the only thing you wanted. You lay down hugging the pillow. He sighed and sat on the bed leaning against the headboard and pulled you onto his lap. He stroked your hair, touched your forehead a few times.

“You'll get better”  He said apprehensively more to himself than to you “I'll make you feel better.”

   ...

“She's burning with fever” Tony said worried “I don't know what to do.”

“Tony...” Pepper was apprehensive “Maybe its time to take her to see a doctor. Grieve its hard and painful but this… this isn’t only grieve, she is giving up”

Tony ran a hand over his tired face “I'll take care of it“ He said getting up.

"You're not thinking about doing what I think you're going to do," Pepper said in disbelief

“She needs a doctor, you just said!”

Tony knocked on the door of the Sanctum Sanctorum and it opened by itself.

"Strange" he called into the empty, silent hall.

“Stephen Strange is not here at the moment”  Wong replied “Can I help you, Stark?”

Tony ran a hand over his nervous face “Hi Wong, I... I need to talk to Strange, it's... important.”

“Have you tried his cell phone?”

“Funny that you have a sense of humor with that face. Listen, I don't have time for cell phones, I need Strange, NOW”.

A portal opened in the middle of the hall as Tony spoke and Stephen Strange entered  “Stark?”

“You see” Tony said teasing Wong “That's what I was talking about. Cell phone, how absurd!”

Wong walked away leaving the two of them alone.

“What do you need, Stark?”

“You look different”  Tony said making fun as he stalled “You look a bit.. strange.”

“I've heard that joke more times than I could tell and it never gets funny”.

"You'll have to admit it's funny." Tony turned on his heel.

Doctor Strange looked at him apprehensively “What do you need?”

“She's not getting better” Tony said darkly “She doesn't eat, she doesn't get out of bed. This morning she had a very high fever.. I don't know what to do.”

Strange stared at the floor sighing “Tony, I don't think I'm the best person to help her right now.”

“Yeah, I know... that face of yours won't help, but she needs someone who understands and she needs a doctor. You are both. Please… I can’t lose her”

Stephen sighed “I will see her tonight.”

Tony sighed relieved “Thank you, Doctor.”

   ...

You were lost in some dark dream and you couldn't wake up and it was cold, very cold and your whole body was shaking.

“The fever is very high. She won't wake up until we get her temperature back to normal.”

Stephen... you could hear his voice, but he wasn't there. It couldn't be him. Stephen Strange was dead. It was all so dark.

    ...

“The serum will help hydrate the body and the intravenous medication will take effect faster, normalizing her body temperature.”

Stephen Strange was staring at her unconscious on the bed. He couldn't help but feel guilty that he hadn't been able to resolve the situation without going to the extreme end it had.

 “What happened to her, Strange?” Stark asked.

Strange sighed “Trauma manifests itself in different ways. She's been through a lot lately.” Strange could see the exhaustion in Tony Stark. He could fall sick as well if he wasn't careful.

“You should rest, Stark. You need to." The doctor touched Tony's shoulder “Or you will get sick too.”

Tony looked at you lying unconscious.

“I'll stay with her. I can’t leave her alone” Tony insisted.

“I will take care of her. I won't leave her side. I promise”

Stark nodded with another worried look at her and left.

Strange stood at the window watching the night. Something inside him seemed to react to all this strangely. Since receiving his powers, he felt more dangerous, more irritable, it was almost as if together with them he had absorbed traits of the other Doctor Strange's personality and that scared him.

Now as he watched her sleep he noticed that he felt a strange warm in his chest. Feeling uncomfortable with the intensity of that feeling , he left the room leaving the door open and sat in an armchair in the living room.

Those things inside him stirred in response to his unease. He spent the night there, taking turns between the living room and the bedroom. He measured the temperature from time to time and sighed more calmly when he noticed that it began to drop.

It was after 3 am when she finally woke up. He continued to sit in the armchair, watching cautiously. Something inside him said it was a mistake that he was the first person she saw, but there was no other person besides him at her bedside.

   ...

You looked around the dark room and soon noticed something in your hand, a needle connected to an IV bag. You ran a hand over your face and struggled to sit up in bed, but your body didn't respond as you expected, so you saw him watching you from the armchair at the back of the room.

“Strange...is that you?”

He stood up and then you could see his face.

“You woke up. Stark was getting worried.”

Your  heart soared at the sound of his voice and you had to force yourself to understand that this was the Doctor Strange of your  universe. The Doctor Strange you was completely in love with was dead.

 “What happened?”   You asked and your voice cracked as reality hit and memories came to your mind.

He approached the bed “The high fever and severe dehydration made you shut down. You blacked out for hours.”

You nodded without taking your eyes off him. It was impossible to see him the same way now and extremely painful to accept reality.

“Are you feeling better? I can increase the serum so it will end faster.”

Was he there as your doctor? He got up fiddling with the IV and then went to the bed side table and got a stethoscope.

“I will… “ You flinched at his approach and he pretended not to notice. He listened for a while and you watched him. His eyes were deeper and with light circles under them, he looked tired.

“Your lungs are fine, normal heartbeat” He said looking at you awkwardly “It was probably just a malaise due to your fragile emotional state.

You forced yourself to sit up again and he helped you and then to your surprise, he sat down next to you on the bed.

“What happened to you? You disappeared”  You asked, your voice was hoarse.

“I'm fine, do not worry.”

The sound of his voice could still make you tremble, if you closed your eyes it was as if the other Strange was still beside you.

“What... did they do to him?”

“We buried him...” He looked away. “We had to use another name, but I insisted that he had a decent funeral.”

Your eyes filled with tears.

“It wasn't your fault. He was obsessed and corrupted by loss. No one could have saved him.”

“I could have saved him.”

“Giving up your life, and all the people who love you. Y/n, that would not be fair.”

You went silent.

“I also carry some guilt for what happened”.  He sighed “If there wasn't a Doctor Strange in this universe he could have stayed.”

You stared in surprise, You didn't imagine he felt that way “It doesn't make sense!”

“No, it doesn't, but we can't change the way we feel, can we?”

You closed your eyes, a tear running down your cheek.

 “You're gone.”

“I went to Kamar-Taj to seek... knowledge so to speak. I spend some time there”

“And did you find what you were looking for?”

He stared his own trembled hands “Not Enough.”

“He gave his powers to you. He was the most powerful Doctor Strange in the multiverse and don’t ask me how I know that, I just know, and right now that is you”

“I wish he had also delivered the knowledge he acquired over the centuries... I don't know what to do with all this.”

“You have to protect us, it's your job. I know that something big is coming and I thought it was him, but its not, is another thing. I think you need to put yourself together Doctor and protect our reality, our universe. May be that was the reason of this all”

He sighed nodding and Tony knocked on the door entering the room. Stephen got up and stepped away from the bed.

“Hi.”

“You woke up” He smiled approaching you “It's good to see you better.”

“I'm sorry... I didn't mean to worry you.”

“Worry? I wasn't worried. Did the Doctor think I was worried?”

Stephen smiled, that was so rare  “He was worried. He was desperated”

“Look, she's smiling, it's an evolution” Tony smiled relieved and you felt guilty for having made him go through all of that.

“She needs to rest” Strange said authoritative is his Doctor mode  “No leaving the house for the next few days. I'll prescribe a medication and a vitamin, soon you'll be feeling much better.”

“I thought you'd give her some kind of potion, you know, some wizard thing.” Tony teased

Doctor Strange walked away writing in a small notebook of recipes ignoring Tony and looked at you smiling “If you need me, you know where to find me.”

“I accompany you Doctor to…”

“It won't be necessary”  He opened a portal and went through it.

Tony stared in disbelief “This guy doesn't care about good manners of etiquette.”

“Tony...”

He sat down next to you and looked at you apprehensively.

“I'm sorry for everything that happened.”

“There is no need to apologize,  you weren't to blame for anything.”

You went silent and so was he. An anxious silence.

“I wasn't going to ask... but I can't stand it...”

“What?” You said without understanding what it was about.

“How did you do that? You not only got rid of Friday's commands, you took control of her functions... I was curious to say the least.”

You sighed, thinking that the best thing was to tell the whole truth”

“Before coming to NY I only had dreams and these sensations and sometimes I heard voices. It was how I knew about you, all of you.”

He nodded.

“Since I got here these skills seem to have expanded exponentially. First it was with Loki, I mentally called to him without even knowing what I was doing and then the visions started and now... I didn't know I could do it, I just did it.

"Telepathically you mean." He didn't seem to believe what he was hearing.

“Yeah. I... managed to access the AI ​​code with my mind. I managed to get into her programming and recalibrate her to respond to me as well.

He smiled seeming to find it all unbelievable “You hacked my AI with your mind... I shouldn't, but I'm proud.”

He made you chuckled. Only Tony could make that after everything.  It was amazing how Tony always managed to make you feel better.

“You saved my life” He said regretfully “I... don't know how to thank you.”

“Your life wouldn’t being in need of saving if I hadn't put everyone here at risk at first place.”

He sighed getting up “You see, that's what you do, you blame yourself for everything, for things that weren't your fault.”

“I should have gone with him..”

“And would you have left me?”  He said challenging you “You say you love me, that I'm everything to you, right? Wrong, because at the first opportunity you were going to walk away and leave me here.

Your eyes filled with tears “I'm sorry, I know I'm wrong... I... I love you Tony, I don't...”

He agreed “Apologies accepted. That said, I'm not going to accept this talk of fate anymore, you understand? We stay together, you and I, whoever wants to separate us is the enemy, do you understand that?”

You nodded and there you stayed cuddled in  your bed and you felt that there were nowhere else where you could be safer.

…

Two weeks have passed since the day Doctor Strange needed  to go to your rescue. He had visited you at other times as a doctor. It was always awkward situations, but you were grateful to him for all the support he gave you.

 You finally felt ready to get out of that apartment. You showered, changed, and went downstairs to the workshop where Tony was absently working. You missed your afternoons working together.

“Need help?”

He smiled.

You helped Tony repair the combat-damaged nanotechnology device. You both spent the whole afternoon there, talking and eventually the subject would have to come up.

“I haven't seen Loki since the last time he came here and you refused to talk to him. I was worried that something might have happened between the two of you.”

You sighed.

“You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, I know it's none of my business, I'm just... I'm worried about you, I'm walking on eggshells here.”

You sat on the floor turning the screwdriver that was in your hand

“He... well, I... asked him for some time. To think, to put everything in order in my head, your know”

Tony looked surprised “Some time, nice...very grown up of you. And what did he say?”

“He was upset, I think I hurt him. I haven't spoken to him since then. And I don’t think I will.”

Tony sighed “Ah this is... complicated. I imagine that as a prince he isn't used to losing. You know that guy wanted to rule an entire planet.”

“I don't... “ You hesitated a little to speak.

Tony walked over and sat on the floor next to you.

“After everything that happened with Strange, the way I felt for him... I don't think I could just erase it all and pretend that nothing happened.”

“Strange explained to me a little of this... thing that happened to you. What madness!”

“Yeah” You chuckled nervously “Everything's still here Tony. It's a little difficult to tell what's real and what's not. I couldn't go on with Loki while I was feeling this way. It wouldn't be right.”

He put his hand on your shoulder “You did the right thing. Stopping, thinking, putting everything in place before taking the next step.”

You shook your head “Then why do I still feel like I failed him?”

Tony looked at you regretfully “Loki will get over it. And soon you'll feel better and you'll be able to pick up where you left off.”  He grimaced  “It's so weird that you have a relationship with the guy who tried to kill me years a go”

You let out a small laugh and were surprised to still be able to laugh “It seems like an eternity ago. Things would be easier if our problem was still Loki trying to rule the planet”

Tony grinned, looked relieved, and again you felt bad for putting him through all that in the last few weeks. “You're right.” He got up and gave you his hand. “Enough of talking, let's get to work.”

…

That night Tony insisted that you should have dinner together. Rhodes was present and you talked normally about anything that didn't involve the tragic fight in the basement.

“I was with the Secretary of State yesterday” Rhodes began “He is adamant about the Accords.”

“Accords? The Sokovia Accords?” you asked confused.

“No” Tony replied “ The Sokovia accords is gone. This one is a little more... flexible so to speak.”

“The current accord requires all persons with special devices or abilities to identify themselves as such and respond to the government in cases of conflict.” Explained Rhodes.

You stiffened. "Doesn't seem so different from the other"

“Don't worry” Tony said to you immediately “Nobody knows about your... abilities and I intend to keep it that way.”

You agreed. Rhodes seemed to disagree. “She needs to be registered, Tony.”

“She won't fight, she doesn't need to.”

Rhodes sighed “What about the wizard?”

Your heart skipped a beat at the mention of Doctor Strange and you mentally scolded yourself. It needed to stop. He was someone else entirely. Well, not really. Things got a little messy inside your head.

“Sorcerer” Tony replied  “I think it's the correct term, I don't know.”

Pepper was silent, perhaps worried about the direction of the conversation. She kept looking at you like she was checking your reaction all the time.

“Ross wants him to register himself right away.”

“Oh he's going to love this” Tony put his hand on his face “Technically he was never part of the Avengers, so...”

“Tony it doesn't matter, everyone saw him fighting in NY. Everyone knows him.”

Tony sighed “I'll try to talk to him.”

“I think it's a big waste of everybody's time” You said without holding back. They stared at you. “The order of the Masters of Kamar-Taj protects this city, this planet, this dimension and universe long before the Avengers dreamed of joining. Doctor Strange will not agree to sign this... document. And he doesn’t have to, he is above it all.”

“Ross is not kidding...” Rhodes said preoccupied

“Will they try to force him?” You asked sounding more petulant than you intended. “Strange is not Rogers, they won't want to get in trouble with him.”

Tony rolled his eyes “Yeah, because now he is a super sorcerer with super magical powers”

“Tony, can you stop joking, this is a serious matter” Pepper asked annoyed. “ The idea was to have a calm and decent dinner and you both…” She stared to Tony and Rhodes “… are ruining it”

“Okay, no one will fight with anyone, I'll talk to him.” Tony promised

“And enough of this conversation.” Pepper demanded.

…

You were too restless to sleep and didn't want to be alone, but it was late at night.

Contrary to any notion of self-preservation, you slipped out of the tower and took a taxi to the nearest cemetery. Not all NY cemeteries was open at night, but some few were and you needed to find him, to say your last goodbye. You walked through the graves not knowing what you were looking for in the dark, but there was something in your mind pulling you forward so you knew you were in the right place and then you found him.

Stephen Strade. The headstone was new, the grass growing where the soil had been turned. It could be a coincidence, but something in your mind told you were in the right place.

You looked around at the empty cemetery illuminated only by the moon that was full and yellow that night. You sat there on the floor. The memories coming through your mind, all the times he swore he loved you and his melancholy apology.

Your heart overflowed with desperate sadness and you began to sob and you talked to him like he was still by your side.

“I'm sorry Stephen… I am so, so sorry.”

You were so distracted by your own crying that you didn’t hear someone approaching, it could be anyone.

“It's a little late to visit cemeteries, don't you think?”

You stared at Doctor Strange dressed casually in jeans, a gray tshirt, and a long-sleeved shirt on top.

“I could not sleep.” You said wiping the tears from your face.

He approached you  “Next time let me know and I can medicate you, I'm sure it's safer than walking around NY past 1am.

“I wanted to see him.”

“How did you know he’d be here?”

“I didn't know, but I... felt”

Strange agreed.

You got up, beating the sand off your clothes “It doesn't make much sense, does it? He is no longer here with us.”

Strange sighed closing his fists“I'm not so sure.”

You stared without understanding.

“Come on, I'll take you home.”

You hesitated. He seemed to understand and extended his hand to you “Come on”.

We entered the Sanctum Sanctorum and everything was quiet. The place was a little scary at night.

“May I offer you some tea?”

You agreed and he went ahead and you followed him. Arriving in the kitchen, you sat by the table. Strange used his magic to make tea and it was fascinating to watch him to do those things. He sat across from you handing you a cup.

You sipped and remained silent.

“Tony called me earlier today and said you got better, he seemed confident.”

You smiled nervously “ I've been trying to show that I'm fine in front of him, in fact I'm trying hard to get better for him.”

“Why?”

You went back to taking a sip of your tea “I don't want to worry him. Tony has a lot to worry about, I don't want him to worry about me too.”

“But he does, a lot. He likes you. You are very important to him.”

You smiled “And he is important to me”

Strange agreed, his both hands was crossed over the table “I never understood your relationship. What you are to each other. I know it’s none of my busyness”

You couldn't help but smile. Talking about Tony made you feel good “I love him. More than I ever loved any man. He is the great love of my life...”

Doctor Strange looked perplexed and you pretend you didn’t notice his confusion.

“... he's my father, my brother, an uncle, I don't know... Tony is all that and none of that at the same time, he's my best friend, the person I trust the most in this world.”

He smiled, trying to seem understandable, but he clearly doesn't understand what you were getting at with your answer. “I'm glad you found each other and that you feel that way about him.”

You agreed and he sipped his tea in silence and then as if he couldn't help himself, he asked “And Loki...”

You looked away.

“I'm sorry” He said embarrassed “I don't want to intrude, I just remembered that Tony mentioned that he hadn't seen him in a while and...”

“I haven't seen Loki in weeks, I needed some time.”

He sighed and you were wondering if it was a smile you saw on his face for a second.

He finished his tea “It's not hard to imagine his reaction. He is Loki after all”

“I hurt him, I'm not proud of it, but I think it was the best thing to do for now. I'm still very confused by everything that happened.”

He agreed.

"You seem to have come out of this a little better, assuming you're as good as you look."

“I'm not good at showing feelings.”  He said sighing “Or we can put it this way: I'm very good at not showing feelings.

You nodded understanding very well what he meant.

 “I spent a few weeks at Kamar-Taj. I read what I could about what seemed to suit my situation, but...”

You waited. Your tea long forgotten and cold.

“There is nothing in any book that explains what he did. However he did it, it has never been done in our universe until now.”

“Are you referring to when he gave his powers to you?”

He shook his head no “A simple transfer or drain spell. Highly dangerous, but simple. The question is this…”

He showed his hand and closed his eyes concentrating and in a second it turned into a tentacle right in front of you and his eyes turned red. He forced it back to normal getting embarrassed. “I don't know what this is. I can control it. I am really good at it and some masters told me this could be a valorous weapon against enemies, but I am afraid…”

You sat silently wondering whether or not to mention what you witnessed at the London Sanctum. In the end you decided it was best to be honest and tell what you knew. “In London, in the Sanctum, he fought this thing. I saw it.

“Did he defeat it?”

You denied “He absorbed it. It entered his body.” You sighed “He believed that these things died when he did that, but it seems that they became part of him, a living part inside of him. Suddenly you are not only one, your are a legion.”

Strange agreed “I would like to know how to get rid of it. It's been exhausting trying to keep these things under control.”

“He said it was a curse. I think you will have to learn how to live with it.”

Strange sighed and then changed the subject. “You told Loki what happened between you and...

“Almost everything.”

He was silent and you wondered why he insisted on talking about Loki.

“So you didn't say that...”

“That I slept with him? Yes, I did. That I fell in love with him? No, but fuck it, it doesn't matter anymore.”

To your complete surprise, he smirked. A cocky smirk “Hard to imagine those words coming out of your mouth.”

“You don't know me that well, Doctor”

“I would like to know.”

You were surprised and felt your face heat up. A tension enveloping you both. It made you uncomfortable and you felt the need to get up and step away.

“I think I better go. Tony might be worried.”

He got up too “Oh sure, we don't want to worry Tony Stark.”

You smiled a little sheepishly “Thanks for the tea and the conversation, Strange

“Come whenever you want, I like the company” He smiled “And please, call me Stephen.”

You agreed your cheeks a bit more red than before.

He opened a portal to your apartment.

“Good night, Stephen.”

The portal closed as you passed it and you stood there feeling something you wasn't quite sure what it was.

Reblog please! Leave a comment if you liked it. Interact! I will love to read all of your comments and opinions. It inspires me to keep writing!

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[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Wonderful World - Part 1

Hello friends, part 1 is here! This one is long, but it is setting the scene to show where each character is at as this story begins. I really hope you guys like it! And again, it's just starting to be developed so if there is anything that you'd like to see happen in the story please let me know, I'd love to hear your feedback and suggestions!

Learn more about the premise of the story, see main (original) character mood boards, and character casting HERE

Warnings: Brief mentions of suicide and depression

WC: 11.3k

“Alright, alright! Listen up!” Diana’s voice carried above the rest of the voices as her class continued chattering as the class period came to an end, “Before you go, I know it’s only our second week back, but I will remind you of the paper you have due in 2 weeks!” She called over the commotion, “Dos paginas, completamente en Español, sobre sus carreras y las metas que tienen para el futuro!” Diana reminded the students in her intermediate level Spanish class and a few of her students nodded while a few others looked on perplexed, “If you need to hear that in English you can find the information on your syllabus!” She smiled as they started filtering out. She rounded the podium at the front of the classroom and started packing up her things.

“Profesora Beltran?” She heard and glanced up to see one of her students approaching. She taught Spanish to college students and was proud to be one of the more popular professors of the World Languages department.

“Yes, Maddie?” She asked as she shifted her focus to the young girl before her.

“Ummm, I am still undecided in my major, so I’m not sure what my goals for the future are. I was wondering if you would allow me to write my paper on something else?” She asked nervously and Diana’s expression shifted into one of compassion and understanding as she removed her glasses.

“Oh, certainly Maddie. You can write about a profession that interests you or a career you’d like to have?” She suggested and Maddie smiled timidly.

“Ummm, I actually run a small candle making business, I mostly sell on Etsy and I want to do that full-time, but my parents are a bit opposed to that. They don’t see much of a future there, is that something I could write about?” She inquired and Diana smiled.

“I love candles! I think if you’re passionate about that then you should have plenty to say about that.” She decided and Maddie smiled brightly upon hearing this.

“Oh wow, thank you Professor.” 

“Of course.” Diana smiled and soon the girl was heading off.

Despite her win with one of her students right now, Diana wasn’t feeling too great, she was actually feeling extremely anxious today. More than she had in a long while because she would be taking her daughter, Celeste to a therapist for the first time in her life and these were the thoughts plaguing her mind as she made her way through the building and to her office.

Celeste, was her 14 year old daughter and she had been displaying symptoms of depression for a while and despite Diana’s efforts to try and talk to her about it she was consistently met with a huff or an eye roll, which were not surprising responses from a teen girl. But it was just the day before school was back in session that Celeste came up to her in tears and told her that maybe she was a bit depressed. She was 14, a freshman in high school, there were new pressures, academically and socially, and Diana explained to her tearful daughter that depression wasn’t uncommon in her age group and that it was something very treatable and with the right help she could be back to her old self in no time.

It was concerning to Diana when Celeste expressed her apprehension with seeing the school counselor. She said that she was really overworked and that when she first reached out for help in November she was assessed for suicide and upon determining that she was low risk, she was given a pamphlet with coping strategies as appointments were not available until they returned from school after Christmas break. So Diana did what any parent would do and researched for therapists in her area that were accepting clients. It was rather hopeless and eventually she resorted to checking Psychology Today, where she knew she might find options of newer clinicians who were building their clientele and would have time for their patients. She eventually did find one who had a relatively new practice, his name was Dr. Harry Styles, his website was really nice and easy to navigate, and the information provided there made her feel confident in him and so she made an appointment. It was only an intake, if the vibe wasn’t right she could continue looking, but she just wanted Celeste to get help sooner rather than later and well, today was the day.

She checked the time on her phone and saw it was already 2:30pm so she pulled up the intake forms that he had sent and got to filling them out. Celeste had already filled out an electronic questionnaire outlining her symptoms and Diana was just filling out the information about insurance and parental consent to treatment. Soon she was printing the forms out and locking up her office to pick up Celeste from school. 

Celeste was also really nervous for her appointment, which was completely understandable, but Diana talked her down and assured her that the first appointment was just going through the forms that had been filled out and feeling out the vibe with the therapist. Diana assured her that if she didn’t like the therapist that they could keep looking and that seemed to ease some of her daughter’s nerves. After a ten minute drive they were pulling up to an older apartment building and parking out on the street. They made their way inside slowly and right at the bottom floor they saw a directory and he was on floor 5, room A & B, so they rode up to the fifth floor and upon the doors sliding open it was evident that this apartment building had been modified into office spaces. There was a plastic plaque reading Harry Styles, MD beside the frosted glass door with a 5A painted onto the center of the glass. They headed inside and were met with an empty reception desk, but there was a sign on it reading “In Session, I’ll be with you shortly”, so they sat on the couch there and Diana looked around as Celeste pulled out her phone. It was home-y, the color palette was neutral, but not in the way that made you feel like you were in a model home or something of that natural. The couches they were on were evidently new, but the furniture looked loved-on, there were magazines and coloring books for kids and adults on the table before them, and the wall art was minimalistic with positive messages and bursts of color that drew her eye. It couldn’t have been more than five minutes before they heard some movement on the other side of the reception area and then another door close and moments later the door across the room opened up to reveal a tall and very handsome man. Upon seeing her and Celeste he smiled and stepped out to the reception area.

“Hello, you must be my 3:30, Celeste right?” He asked. He had an accent and his voice was deep, but calming - not daunting in any manner.

“Hi yeah, that’s me.” Celeste said standing and offering him reluctant smile.

“Nice to meet you, Celeste. I’m Harry.” He said coming over and extending his hand to her and she shook it politely as Diana stood as well and their eyes met and Harry’s pupils immediately grew in size at the woman before him. She was definitely shorter than him, but she looked really professional and put together, so he assumed she might be Celeste’s mother, but how? She looked young enough to be a sister, “You must be her…?” He asked Diana instead of just assuming her relation.

“I’m her mom, Diana Beltran.” Diana introduced herself, extending her hand to meet his, his beautiful eyes met her own as they greeted each other and she felt that his eyes were just burning into her soul; it almost felt like time stopped for the moment they greeted each other.

“Wonderful, nice to meet you as well.” Harry greeted with a warm smile. As soon as their hands broke contact he clasped them together in front of his chest, “Have you been waiting long?” He asked and she shook her head.

“Hardly, just a few minutes.” She assured.

“Perfect.” He smiled at her and then Celeste, “I know you filled out the online questionnaire, were you able to complete the other intake forms?” He asked them.

“Yes, here they are.” Diana cut in and reached into her tote to pull out a folder and handed them to him. 

“Excellent.” He smiled, “If you’re ready Celeste, we can head back now.” He said and she looked to her mom for a moment.

“It’s alright.” Diana assured softly, “I’ve got your things.” She said extending her hand and Celeste gave her mom her phone before following Harry back into the main space and then the door shut. Now that she was out of sight, Diana felt even more stressed and she just hoped that this guy made an attempt to make Celeste feel heard and comfortable.

************

Harry tried to reflect as much calm as possible because he could feel the apprehension and anxiety emanating from his new, young potential client. She took a seat on the couch in the position furthest away from his seat as possible, which was typical of most first timers. He let her know he was just going to check the forms out and she could look around and then proceeded to open up the folder that her mother had so kindly put together with the intake forms and he paged through them.

Celeste liked his office, it was cozy and his rug was cool. She then noticed a record player on the sideboard against the wall and she wanted to look at it more closely. As her eyes traveled down she noticed that one of the panels was open and that there were actually records in there and she was curious about what he had in his collection.

“Ummm, Dr. Styles, can I look at the records?” She asked nervously and he looked up from the form he was reading over, with a friendly smile.

“Certainly!” He encouraged her and she slowly got up and went over to look at the records inside of the cabinet. She smiled as she recognized a handful of them as she flicked through them. He also had some candle going on another little table by the window that reminded her of her mom’s bedroom, it was maybe the same one. When she spared him a glance she saw that he was still looking through the forms her mom had brought and she bit her lip nervously when they made eye contact.

“Y-your office is nice.” She said as she made her way back to the couch and he smiled.

“Thank you.” He expressed his gratitude at her compliment.

“I especially like your rug, it’s really cool.”

“Yeah? It’s my favorite thing in here actually.” He said excitedly and she smiled nervously, “Did you see any music you liked?” He asked and she nodded.

“Obviously the Beatles and some Elvis.” She said and he smiled, “And your Wings ones, Paul is my favorite Beatle.” She explained.

“Get out of town, mine too!” He grinned and she smiled wider, she was still looking really nervous, “So apart from having sick taste in music, what are other things that you enjoy?” He asked and she started to talk a little bit more about her interests. Harry learned that she played guitar and that her favorite classes in school were Human Biology and choir, and that she was considering joining the drama club, and a few other surface level facts. She seemed a little hesitant to talk about herself though, almost as if she was concerned that she would say something wrong.

“You know, it’s my job to listen to you, no matter what you want to talk about and I won’t judge you, so if anything comes to mind you can just say it.” He assured and she exhaled and nodded, “Is this your first time trying therapy?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yeah.” She then responded verbally, “I’m kinda nervous, I guess, sorry.”

“It’s normal for you to feel nervous when you’re doing something brand new.” He assured her, “What about it makes you feel nervous?” He asked and she sighed and looked down at her fingers that were twisting together in her lap.

“Just…I don’t know…I mean first of all you’re a stranger.” She said and he hummed.

“True.” He said and she shrugged before proceeding.

“And I guess I’m nervous that it won’t work on me?” She said in a questioning tone as their eyes met again and he bit his lip as he listened to her express her concerns over treatment and what had happened with the counselor at her school and it was honestly very disappointing to hear her experience.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. I understand why you’re so hesitant about this, but let me let you in on something. Whether this works or not is totally up us being a team. It’s my job to listen, guide you, and give you tools to help you get better and it’s your job to try and use the tools I give you as recommended. The only way it won’t work is if one of us is not doing our part, and I promise you that if you decide to stick with me I will always do my part.” He said with certainty and a friendly smile and she nodded, “Of course, sometimes just talk therapy isn’t sufficient or isn’t working as quickly as we’d like and if that’s the case we can talk about medication to help. So if you really feel it’s not helping you can tell me so that I can make sure that I am doing everything I can do to get you back on your feet.” He explained and she nodded along again

“Well, I hope this works.” She said and he chuckled.

“I promise you I will do my absolute best.” He reassured her and she smiled and with that he started to get into the session. He started to explain to her the confidentiality clause and what kinds of things are excluded from that, he went over his role and responsibilities as the clinician, and then they started going over the questionnaire she had filled out, and what she wanted to get out of therapy. As Harry listened on he jotted down a couple things that stood out and his own questions that he wanted to ask and the longer she spoke the more it was evident that she was experiencing some depression. As she finished recounting her side of things he took over explaining what he thought would be the best treatment plan for her and how he wanted to approach her situation.

Celeste liked the way he talked to her and how he expressed himself very clearly. When he answered her or asked her a question she could tell he had listened to everything she had said and was so patient. The things she felt were confusing sometimes and he didn’t push her when she would answer with an “I don’t know”. He was just so nice that she felt comfortable with him quite quickly, a lot of the stuff she had told him about what was happening at school, she hadn’t even told her mom and that was new for her because they were quite open with each other. But once they wrapped up she felt really good and she had decided that she wanted to give him a chance.

“So in terms of scheduling, we need to work that out with your mom right?” He asked and she nodded, “OK, perfect. I’m going to have her switch with you in just a moment, but just so we’re clear, like I said at the start, anything we talk about in session just stays between us. I’m just going to go over some of the formalities with her and answer any general questions she might have for me. But if you would like me to be able to share your progress or any information about our sessions with your mom then you can always sign a release, but only if you really want to.” He offered.

“Thank you, I’ll give it some thought. And ummm, do I call you doctor or?” She asked and he chuckled.

“I prefer my name, Harry, but if Dr. Harry or Dr. Styles is more comfortable for you then that’s OK with me too.” He assured with a kind smile and she nodded and they both stood and headed to the door.

*************

As soon as the office door opened up Diana flew up from her seat and locked her phone. She saw Celeste come out and then Dr. Styles emerged with a small smile and that made her feel more at ease.

“Mom, he needs to talk with you now.” Celeste informed and Diana nodded.

“OK. I’ll be just a few minutes.” Diana said and reached for her bag before she followed him back to his main consultation room. She had a look around when she walked in and when she went to sit, she sat on the side of the couch nearest to his chair as Harry went to grab his laptop before settling into his seat.

“Is she alright?” Diana asked and he smiled.

“Yeah, she’s good. She did great, by the way.” He reassured her.

“That’s good to hear. I don’t know if she mentioned to you what the school counselor said to her?” Diana asked with a frown.

“Yes, she did. That must be extremely concerning to learn as a parent.” He acknowledged and she nodded, “And I can assure you, that will not be the case here.”

“I would hope not.” She said with a slight chuckle, “I have been to therapy myself and I had such a great experience, I just want to make sure it’s the same for her and that we find the best fit for her and that she won’t be pushed to the side until she’s in distress.” Diana explained and he nodded in understanding, “About how many clients do you have in total?”

“I have 35 total right now.” He said, “Of those 35 I’m seeing 10 on a weekly basis, 15 on a biweekly basis, and the other 10 on a monthly basis or as needed as they have already completed their treatment or just need their medication dosages adjusted.” He explained and she nodded.

“Oh, OK that’s pretty good.” He smiled and nodded, “And you specialize in CBT.”

“Yes, but I do have a more Humanistic approach which is derived from-”

“Dr. Carl Rogers.” She cut in and Harry smiled and nodded.

“Precisely.” He grinned, “And I will assume you know what his approach is about?”

“Yeah. I don’t mean to be a know it all, after I was in therapy I got really into learning more about it and did a minor in clinical psychology in my undergrad.” She explained and he hummed.

“Oh, no worries! It’s good that you know though. Especially with the younger patients, it’s good to see when the parents are invested. Celeste seemed to really understand the process today, which I’d like to think I’m thorough, but I’d assume you walked her through it before.” He said with a smile.

“Yeah, she was so nervous, I gave her a little run down on the way here.” Diana explained with a smile.

“Well, it worked! She opened right up once we got past the daunting stuff.” Harry assured her.

“Oh wow, that’s typically hard for her. You must be good.” She said and he chuckled.

“I think we just have the same taste in rugs and music.” He joked and she laughed a bit before looking back into his eyes.

“So in terms of your assessment, what do you have in mind for a treatment plan?” She asked.

“Well, starting out I would like to see her once a week, treatment is typically 8 to 10 weeks give or take, just depends on her progress.” He explained to Diana who nodded.

“OK, that sounds reasonable. In terms of charge, what is your rate?”

“I’m charging $125 a session. I do offer a special for new clients, if you commit to three sessions I use your intake fee towards the third session.” He explained.

“Oh, why three appointments?” She asked with a curious smile and he chuckled.

“In my experience it’s enough to have a somewhat comprehensive diagnosis at that point. And also by that point people will have hopefully learned some basic tools to use in the future. Also, that’s the point where you start to get annoyed with your therapist so a lot of people flake out for a while. And well for the people that just come in trying to get prescribed meds I mean, that’s a lot of work to go through and so they’ll just fall off the face of the earth.” He said with a grin.

“Oh, I see. That’s smart! Is that something that happens a lot?”

“It has happened to me a few times here, the university is nearby so a lot of self-diagnosed ADHD or OCD people.” He said and she grinned.

“Ah, TikTok fallacies.” She hummed and he nodded.

“Exactly! A lot of them don’t like to hear that they’re perfectly normal with a few quirks.” He explained.

“Geez…I don’t think I ever considered how challenging this job must be.” She said and he chuckled.

“There’s more good days than those kinds of days.” He assured her.

“Well, it’s good to hear that from you.” Diana said and he smiled, “Sorry, back to the topic at hand, how much is it for today’s session and do you accept insurance at all?” She asked.

“Not yet, unfortunately. I’ve submitted several applications to be a network provider but it’s been a nightmare.” He explained with a small frown, “But it’s $100 even.” He said.

“I can imagine the circles they must walk you in.” She sighed through a dry laugh and he nodded.

“You would not believe.” He joked back and she shook her head as she dug through her tote bag for her wallet and pulled out a crisp $100 bill and handed it to him.

“I promise it’s real.” She joked and he laughed.

“Well now I feel like I need to check.” He joked back but headed to his desk and pulled out a little iPad where he started inputting that to give her a receipt. She continued looking around his office, recognizing the scent of the candle burning by a little table he had near the window. Soon he was back before her with a receipt in hand and she took it and started to put it in her bag.

“Well, Dr. Styles-”

“Harry is fine.” He cut in and she nodded.

“OK, well Harry, it was lovely to meet you and I will have a chat with Celeste, see what she thinks and ummm, in any event I’ll be in touch.” She said and he nodded.

“I appreciate that. It’s good to know when people decide to go in a different direction, otherwise I’m left wondering.” He explained and she nodded.

“It’s just professional courtesy, in my opinion.” She shrugged as she fished her keys out of her purse and he saw her university ID on the lanyard.

“Oh, you work at the university?” He asked in slight surprise and she glanced over to him as they approached the door.

“Yeah, I’m the newest faculty member in the World Languages department.” She disclosed.

“Oh, that’s neat. I actually just got hired as an adjunct professor for the department of Mental Health & Behavioral Intervention.” He said with a bright smile.

“Oh congrats! What’re you teaching?”

“It’s a graduate course on Tele-health. After the pandemic it’s important to be able to translate our skills through virtual sessions and a lot of people are having trouble with that. It’s a new class. I teach it twice a week.” He explained and she hummed in interest.

“That sounds really cool.”

“Yeah, thanks. Well, I don’t want to detain you any longer, but it was a pleasure to meet you both.” He said as he opened up his office door and led them through towards the reception area.

“Likewise. Thank you so much for your time.” Diana said turning back to him once more.

“Of course. And Celeste, chin up.” He encouraged her with a smile and she nodded, offering back a smile and soon they were riding back down the elevator in silence. They settled into the car and Diana glanced to Celeste.

“What did you think of Dr. Styles?” She asked and Celeste smiled.

“I like him. He was easy to talk to and he’s really nice. I want to try another session.” She said and Diana smiled.

“OK, sweetie. I liked him too, he’s very sweet.” Diana agreed. 

In a few minutes they were taking off and Diana was driving them to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner. She couldn’t stop thinking about how there was an air of familiarity with this Dr. Styles. If his session with Celeste went anything like their conversation went, she was very happy with the type of help he could provide her. She liked that he still remained professional without making it feel too formal or rigid, there was flow and it was noticeable that he really enjoyed his job.

************

Harry sighed contently as he bid farewell to his final client of the evening and locked up the exit door in his office. He then went to the reception area and also latched that door shut and switched off the lights before heading back to his office. He plopped down into the chair behind his desk with his note pad and opened up his laptop to start typing out his session notes from that day to put in the patients’ electronic files. He then got to Celeste’s notes and started to create a new file for her in his system. He needed to scan in all her paperwork and session notes. Just as he was about to start scanning his phone rang and he saw it was his girlfriend, Rebecca, and he smiled and picked up.

“Hey, love.” He greeted her with warmth.

“Hey, babe!” She responded cheerfully, “How was your day today?” She asked.

“It wasn’t all that busy, but I might have a new client on my roster, things went well so I’m hoping to hear back soon.” He said.

“Aw that’s great! I’m happy for you, H.” She hummed.

“Thanks, love. What’s up?” 

“Well I was calling because I was wondering if you’d be able to join me for something tonight? I know it’s super last minute, but a colleague of mine is friends with the mayor’s wife and she knows about my aspirations in city government and she thought she might introduce us. It’s just a little fundraiser for a clinic on wheels, cocktail attire is what she said.” Rebecca explained and Harry nibbled on his lip pensively.

“Mmmm, I have to prepare for lecture tomorrow…what time is it at?”

“It’s now. But they she said it’s over at 10pm. My colleague, Joanne, is gonna be there until about 9:30, but she said to come earlier rather than later as Mayor Singh might not be there until that late.” She explained and Harry nodded as he pulled up his calendar for the following day and saw he didn’t have many client’s scheduled the next morning.

“Ummm, yeah I can make it. Tomorrow is pretty slow, I can work on my lecture then. I just need to finish all my client notes right now.” He informed.

“OK, thank you so much, babe! Is half an hour enough time? I can pick you up? I’m just changing and touching up now.”

“Yeah, that’s plenty of time. I’ll see you in a bit. Love you.”

“Love you too, bye.”Rebecca said before hanging up. He let out a deep exhale before rolling his shoulders back and standing to get the scanner on and finish up Celeste’s file.

Harry and Rebecca had been dating for almost two years. When they met, he was on his least couple months of his residency and she was fresh out of law school and working on the legal team for the community mental health center he would do some of his hours at. Every year they did a mandatory training on the procedures in the case of a malpractice suit or of a subpoena. Since they were a community clinic a lot of people that came through were court mandated clients and it wasn’t out of the norm for the court to subpoena the doctors, therapists, or social workers working with that particular client - it was fairly routine. Either way, that is how their paths crossed and she was actually the one who approached him shortly after their first meeting. Rebecca was bold and had big ambitions, this wasn’t something Harry could see himself being entangled with in the long run, but when they started to date she started to slow down and he figured that maybe her goals were changing a bit.

Because Harry was fresh out of med school and had a little more time on his hands, he was eager to jump into anything that wasn’t school related and when Rebecca asked him out he said yes. Rebecca was smart, gorgeous, and very pleasant, what wasn’t to like. He doesn’t think either of them were looking for a serious relationship when they first started out, but all on its own it kind of became serious. Something that worked well for them was that they both were kind of workaholics, they were both ambitious and out their professions first and they both liked that they were of the same mentality because it helped them not to feel so strapped down. He was always more of a loner and he enjoyed his space and she was very much that same way and so things worked and they didn’t mess with it and here they were today. 

Sometimes Harry did wonder if their relationship was normal; what they had was working for them, but in a way there was kind of a distance between them and many of their friends didn’t really get that. He recalls that at one point his best friend, Henry, once said that it seemed that the relationship was just convenient for them and while he took offense and disagreed immediately, Rebecca responded first and asked Henry if it was wrong that a relationship be convenient? And well, after a big fight about that Harry and Rebecca cleared up that it was OK that they were progressing slower than other couples because they had a lot going on personally and that if it worked for them then there was nothing they needed to justify to others. What did worry Harry was that every aspect of life felt like a routine and he knew that while consistency is great, routine could also be damaging to relationships and Harry didn’t want that for them. He did love Rebecca and often worried that the routine they’d been in this entire time would lead to their slow, but certain demise.

The time passed him by quickly between doing his notes and his thoughts and before he even realized it his phone was ringing again with her name lighting up the screen. This meant that she was downstairs, so he quickly shut everything down and he slipped his laptop it into his lockable drawer and rushed out. He popped a piece of gum in his mouth as he rode down the elevator and as soon as he stepped out of the building he waved as he approached the car and then slipped into the passenger seat.

“Hi love. You look nice.” He hummed as he leaned over and kissed her cheek quickly.

“H, I just did my make up…” she sighed as she flipped down the visor to check her make up in the mirror.

“M’sorry.” He said as he switched on the overhead light so that she could see if anything was out of place, “I don’t see any damage.” He assured and she glanced to him and rolled her eyes before leaning over and puckering her lips out and he chuckled as he kissed her quickly on the lips.

“You’re lucky there’s no damage.” She said as she settled back into her spot, “You’ve got lipstick on your lips now though.” She grinned and he huffed and rubbed over them with his palm as he took off. The drive wasn’t all that long and the event seemed to be pretty packed when they arrived. She did a loop around the block and found no parking so they circled around again to the entrance.

“We’re just gonna have to do valet. S’cash only, though. Do you have cash?” Harry asked and she sighed.

“I don’t have cash do you?” She huffed.

“No, sorry.” He sighed, the only cash he had received was Mrs. Beltran’s payment earlier and that was back at the office.

“Fuck, I don’t want to miss the mayor.” She groaned and Harry nibbled on his lip.

“I can find somewhere to park, you go on. I’ll meet you inside, yeah?”

“Are you sure?” Rebecca asked and he was about to respond, but he jumped when he heard some knocks on the window.

“You can’t stop here unless you’re going to park valet!” The man shouted through the glass and Rebecca rolled her eyes.

“Yes, yes! I’m getting off!” She called back in an aggravated tone and Harry chuckled. Rebecca had a rather short fuse, he got it, he did too, and while he was now used to it, it wasn’t something that made her very likable to people who only experienced that part of her. Harry hurried out of the car to get to the driver’s side.

“Sorry, mate. I’m just dropping her off.” He said and the guy just nodded and she rushed past them and towards the entrance as Harry settled into the driver’s seat and took off down the street. He was able to find a parking spot a few streets down in a residential area, luckily no permits were needed and as he locked up the car he opened up his phone to let Rebecca know he was on his way over and he saw a text from her.

Becs:

Hey H, it’s invitation only! Text me when you’re up front!

Harry sighed as he started the walk over and as soon as he got there he texted her letting her know that he was outside and then five minutes passed…then fifteen…he even showed the guy with the list the text and he said he needed her to verify that he was her plus one, even if it were via text. He tried calling and she still didn’t answer and so now he was grumpy and hungry and decided to just go back to the car and pick up something to eat until she decided to check her bloody phone. Unfortunately, he had left his wallet in the office as he left in a rush and all he had was $5 on his apple pay from god knows how long ago and he was able to score himself a burrito which he ate in the car. It had been nearly an hour before Rebecca called him to come up front and so once again, he made the walk over and she was waiting at the steps of the venue.

“I’m so sorry, babe! Joanne was chatting with the mayor and his wife right when I got there and we were able to talk for a while and I couldn’t pull out my phone!” She explained as they made their way inside and despite his irritation he just nodded.

“It’s OK, things happen.” He assured her, “What were you able to talk to him about?” He asked curiously.

“Oh, just some ideas I have when I run for office as a council member.” She said vaguely because she knew that he had no real interest in that and he hummed as they made their way further in. He was able to meet Joanne and her wife, Michelle, they were sweet and nice to talk to and it was around half an hour later when they decided to go out for some drinks and dinner. Harry was still in a sour mood from his multiple walks to and from he car and he had already eaten. Joanne was nice enough to drop them off at their car and Rebecca agreed to meet them at some restaurant before getting out.

“Babe, can you just drop me off at my car? I ate while waiting for you and I’m just not feeling up to staying out tonight. It’s already 9:30.” He said and she sighed as he unlocked the car.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” She said as she opened up her door and then groaned, “H, my car smells like Mexican food.” She whined.

“I’m sorry, love. I was super hungry and there was no garbage can and I wasn’t gonna leave it on the street. I’m sorry.” He said again and she just sighed as she turned on the engine and rolled down the windows.

“It’s fine.” She huffed as she started texting on her phone for a moment before they took off again. The drive back was a bit tense though, despite that when she dropped him off at his office building she kissed his lips quickly and bid him a good night before taking off. Harry was left to wander back upstairs and grab his wallet before he left for the night.

This was why he wondered if their relationship was normal. As a mental health professional, he knew that all relationships looked and functioned differently, but he didn’t feel awful about things with Rebecca. Just now, he was irritated with her and she with him and they just got over it, it wasn’t anything serious that they were irked about, so it didn’t warrant a long conversation, they just needed to grow up and get over it, like they had. And it wasn’t always this way, they hardly ever argued and they did love each other. But sometimes when things like this would happen he wondered whether they were truly just with each other because it was convenient, like Henry had said, and they had both settled for each other because they got on so well and were like-minded. He knew he wanted more of a relationship but he didn’t know if his relationship with Rebecca was capable of that, they hadn’t really talked about it properly. He didn’t feel like it was sometimes and it worried him that he was just wasting her time and his time.

*********

Diana knew it was late, but over dinner she had a lengthy conversation with Celeste about how serious she was in continuing to see Dr. Styles as her therapist and she was very serious about it. She said she felt really comfortable around him because the way he talked to her was similar to her uncle Damian, Diana’s brother. He lived in Mexico, but they visited each other regularly and since Celeste didn’t really grow up with a father figure he was someone that she looked up to a lot. Either way, this prompted her to call his office and she would leave a message about wanting to schedule another appointment. She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous leaving the message, maybe it was how soothing his voice sounded in the greeting, despite him saying that if it was an emergency whoever called should dial 911 - it was the delivery of it that made her feel a little out of sorts.

“Hi Dr. Styles, or ummm Harry, you had said to call you that. I’m sorry it’s late.” She said and then shook her head as she thought to herself ‘that’s the point of voicemails, idiot’, “Anyway, I just wanted to give you some of the times that would work best for Celeste to start treatment. So, Mondays work, but 6pm would be better as my office hours end at 5:30pm. Or Tuesdays and Thursdays also work anywhere from 5 to 7pm, and Fridays after 3pm as well. Just ummm, yeah let me know what works best for you. If none of these work out just let me know and we can figure something out, you can also email me as I’ll be teaching tomorrow and that may be easier for me to check. Thank you for your time today, I appreciated it, have a good night.” She said and pulled the phone away about to hang up and then realized that she hadn’t even said who she was, “Oh, ummm this is Diana Beltran, by the way! Sorry, I forgot to-”

“Your message has been recorded-” the machine cut her off and she groaned, “to play it back press 1, to re-record press 2, to delete your message press 3. If you are finished you may-”

“Ughhh…” she groaned in irritation and hung up, cutting off the monotonous voice from continuing to speak. She wasn’t about to do that again, so she just set her phone down and continued packing up their left over chicken and rice for their lunch the next day.

************

Fresh out of the shower, Harry got in a t-shirt and sweats quickly before hopping into bed. He lived two blocks away from the university campus, so the house he lived in was originally old and small, but with gentrification and all it looked a lot more modern now and the property had been reconfigured to give optimal space, it was rather nice. It had a lot of character, is what he would tell people. Over the pandemic he renovated the bathrooms and re-invigorated the original wood flooring of the home and even now, he continued with his project on updating things just a bit during his free time. Either way, he was happy here and he found it easy to rest in his space. He reached for his phone to just kill some time before he drifted off to bed and as it lit up he saw that he had a voicemail forwarded from the office phone. He always checked just in case he needed to call 911 for a client or something. So he opened up his phone and immediately played the message and brought it up to his ear to listen…

“Hi Dr. Styles, or ummm Harry, you had said to call you that.” The gentle and soothing voice spoke and he immediately smiled as he pictured the person it belonged to, Diana. “I’m sorry it’s late. Anyway, I just wanted to give you some of the times that would work best for Celeste to start treatment. So, Mondays work, but 6pm would be better as my office hours end at 5:30pm. Thursdays also work anywhere from 5 to 7pm, and Fridays after 4:30pm as well. Just ummm, yeah let me know what works best for you. If none of these work out just let me know and we can figure something out, you can also email me as I’ll be teaching tomorrow and that may be easier for me to check. Thank you for your time today, I appreciated it, have a good night.” She finished and he heard a bit of shuffling for a few moments before he heard the last bit, “Oh, ummm this is Diana Beltran, by the way! Sorry, I forgot to-” it suddenly cut off and he chuckled to himself a bit. 

His office phone had a time limit on the messages and he had no idea how to fix that. He was tempted to get out of bed and grab his laptop to look at his calendar to figure out when he could schedule Celeste so that he could return her call first thing in the morning, but he needed to chill out. He wasn’t sure why he was so eager to figure this out for them. Actually he was…she was striking. Absolutely gorgeous. From the moment they met he was drawn to her just because of her looks. But more than that, she was so sweet and clearly smart, and she was amicable and so easygoing, it drew him in. Harry told himself that he was thinking of her because she had left a voicemail and obviously, she was now stuck in his head. And his mind kept bringing back one thought: Someone like her had to be taken. Just then, his phone buzzed in his hand and it was a text from Rebecca apologizing once again for getting upset at him for the food thing and telling him good night. He assured her it was alright and wished her a good night before deciding to just get to sleep. The last thing he needed was to be in shambles and exhausted for his class the following day and more than that, whatever curiosity Harry had towards Diana ended now. Yes, she was beautiful and she seemed like a nice and wonderful woman, but he would be seeing her daughter as his client and entertaining those ideas of her wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone.

*************

After Harry got far too excited over hearing Diana’s voice last night, even if it was over voicemail, he decided that he needed to set up a boundary before he got too invested in her or developed any type of crush on her, as he had decided the night before. Her daughter, Celeste, had chosen to continue seeing him as her therapist and the relationship with her was his priority now. After emailing Diana back about scheduling (instead of calling back), his day went by rather slow. Harry was dedicating a lot of his time to review his lecture material for his class that evening. His class was technically an elective, so he had students who were interested in or leaning towards only providing therapy online. His class was actually a good number, they capped them at 30 for the graduate students and he had 23, so it was good that this topic had cultivated interest. He did have to mentally prepare himself though to be as stoic and neutral as possible because some of the women in his class were not subtle at all. And even thought they were closer in age to him, he was still their professor and the last thing he wanted was to give anyone the wrong impression and get himself into trouble. He wasn’t cocky, but he knew he was a handsome man and he was really nice, so he just wanted to be sure no lines were ever blurred or that a misunderstanding was even remotely possible. That was honestly his biggest stressor; he had been a bit nervous about actually teaching the students and being able to convey information to them, but as soon as he started doing it he felt comfortable and he understood why so many people loved to contribute to the growth of their profession in this manner. 

************

On her busy days, which were Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Diana’s best friend, Grace, would be the one to get Celeste from school. Diana was lecturing non-stop on Tuesdays and only got an hour break before her final class of the day, which started at 6pm. So now, she was rushing down the street to her favorite cafe on campus, Café Flores. It was a little over a 5 minute walk from where she lectured on Tuesdays, but even if it were out of her way, she would always find an excuse to go. Since most students were at dinner, it was slow at the cafe at that time. She would always order the same thing, the guy at the register smiled when he saw her come in.

“Hey, professor.” He said as she walked up, smiling as well.

“Hi Nico, how’s it been?” She asked.

“It’s slowing down.” He said with a smile and she nodded, “What can I get started for you?” He asked.

“I’m gonna do the 20oz today, café con leche.”

“The usual.” He smiled.

“I sized up, OK?” She said and he chuckled.

“And half & half is OK?”

“Always.” She said and he grinned.

“Anything else?” He asked.

“I’m also going to get the avocado toast.”

“With everything?” He asked.

“Ummm, no crema and no onions.” She said and he recited her order before submitting it and taking her payment. The owners of this cafe were originally from Chiapas, Mexico - the opened this place up in the late seventies and as they grew older their children took it over and it’s such a wonderful atmosphere to be in; it reminded her of being back in Mexico. And this spot was so popular that when the neighboring business relocated they bought it as well and that’s more of the study lounge vibe students are looking for. They were just as, if not a little more popular than the Starbucks across campus. It was really amazing to her how well this business had evolved to continue being around for that long.

“Professor Beltran?” She heard kind of from a distance and as she zoned back in and looked away from the little card with the shop’s story she blinked a few times before turning to her left and looking up to see none other than Dr. Styles who was smiling down at her.

“Oh, hello!” She smiled bright and stood immediately, extending her hand to greet him, “What brings you here?” She asked.

“I teach tonight and ummm, the last two weeks I’ve seen most of my students with cups from here and I thought I should check it out.” He said and she nodded.

“It certainly beats Starbucks.” She said and he grinned.

“Oh, perfect.” He hummed and she nodded, “You teach today as well?”

“Yes, I’ve got three classes today.” She explained and he grimaced and she chuckled.

“I know.” She sighed, “But to be fair this last one is an elective on Latin American art & culture so I don’t do as much talking as I do visual aids.” She said and he chuckled.

“That’s good.”

“It it’s a three hour class though, so I am pretty pooped afterwards but you know about that with the graduate students.” She said and he nodded. She remembered. Harry thought to himself.

“Order for Diana!” The girl at the pick-up station called out.

“Excuse me for a second.” She said to Harry.

“Oh, you can go if you need to, no worries.” He assured.

“I was actually going to stay and eat here, I lecture in the building just around the corner and it starts until 6pm. You’re more than welcome to join me if you’d like.” She said and before he could overthink it he nodded.

“That’d be nice, I still don’t know too many people.” He explained and she nodded.

“Yeah, of course.” She assured and hurried off but came back quickly as Harry was settling into the spot across from her and she was settling in.

“Do you want some?” She asked and he shook his head immediately.

“Oh no, I ordered something as well. But please get started.” He assured and she nodded and went for her toast right away. She finished chewing and hummed.

“Always hits the spot. I haven’t eaten since 11:30.” She disclosed.

“Oh god, I would be a proper grouch if I went that long without eating.” He said and she giggled.

“So you get hangry, I see…so does my teenage daughter.” she teased and he chuckled as he shook his head at her little joke.

“I mean, most people do.” He said and she shrugged her shoulders.

“That’s fair.” She responded and he chuckled again.

“You don’t?” He asked her and she shook her head.

“No. Being a parent often means staving off your own needs for your kids, even hunger. I will admit sometimes I forget to eat-”

“You forget to eat?” He asked in shock and she giggled.

“If I’m really busy. It’s usually during the end of the semester, but I don’t think any of my classes will push me to that this quarter.” She said and he nodded.

“Well good.”

“Yes.” She grinned. Then they called his name and he came back with his own order. He just had a regular black coffee and a capirotada - which is essentially a bread pudding.

“Ooh, good choice.” She said and he glanced up to her.

“Oh yeah? He told me it was like bread pudding.”

“It is! They make it really good here, it’s not too sweet or cinnamon-y, it’s just right.” She said and he nodded.

“Oh good!” I just got this because it looks kind of like a dessert from England and I admittedly got a bit nostalgic.” He explained himself and she smiled; she understood that feeling very well.

“Yeah, I get that.” She nodded, “So have you been in the US long?”

“Yeah, I came over for med school, so I’ve been here about…10 years?” He said, “Oh shit.” He then said lowly as the realization struck him and she laughed lightly as she watched it unfold before her.

“Do you miss England?”

“Some things I miss, but I really like it here. It was a fresh start.” He said and she nodded in understanding.

“Yeah, we need those sometimes.” She acknowledged, “But look at you now, your own practice and everything. Even teaching now!” She said veering the topic into a more positive light and he chuckled bashfully as he reached for his coffee.

“Living the dream.” He said and she quirked her face a bit with a confused smile because she did not miss the sardonic tone in his voice.

“You say that like you’re not convinced of it.” She called him out, which surprised him and he shrugged before he decided that he would explain himself to her.

“It’s just like, you work so hard for something…literally dedicate everything you are and all of your time and resources to it to get there and once you do it’s kind of the feeling of like “that’s it”?. Do you know what I mean?” He asked, an existential crisis was close if they were to continue not he topic of him so he had to turn it around and she hummed pensively at his question.

“Kind of… I mean, I hear med school is…horrific.” She said, “Highest suicide rate, no?” and he nodded.

“Well, three times more likely than our peers.” He corrected her and she frowned, it was still alarming. She had friends who had gone to medical school, a few dropped out because it was too intense, so yeah, maybe he was very valid in feeling like all of that made it out bigger than it needed to be.

“So it is horrific.” She said again an the sighed, smiling bit now despite the morbid topic they had just touched on.

“I love learning and I do love school, maybe that’s why I came back to teach… so ummm, I wouldn’t say it was horrific for me, but definitely challenging…and I don’t know, I was just one of those people that were so focused on school and being excellent in that capacity that I didn’t it as much as I could have or made the good kind of memories with the people around me. Like several of the people in my cohort were married over the last couple years and well, I wasn’t invited because, we were classmates but I didn’t take the time to make them my friends. And just little things like that, that I wish I had valued more at the time.” He explained and she hummed with a small frown, “And well now, yes, I have my practice, but having your own business is very time consuming and it makes it hard to have my own life too, you know? I love what I do, trust me, I would’ve never gone through with med school if I didn’t. I would do It for free! But like there are times in which I wish I didn’t have to answer a phone call of a patient in distress in the middle of a date with my girlfriend. Or have a patient go through that angry at my therapist phase and fear I’ll get sued and lose everything.” He chuckled and she did as well.

“Yeah, wow, that is…intense.” She said and he nodded.

“It is and again, I love to do it and I love to help people, but I’m still new at this so I’m just getting the hang of it. I’m sure I’ll be able to find balance with some time, but it does feel like I never will be able to start living my life sometimes.” He expressed, “Do you ever feel that way? Being a mum? Sorry, if that came out weird, Celeste mentioned that you were quite young.” He tagged in and she shook her head.

“It’s alright,” Diana assured him, “and not really… I don’t feel that I missed out on my youth or anything like that. I wasn’t all that social in college anyway.” She explained and he hummed in understanding, “Kind of also threw myself into the work and well, I had a baby, and well it’s not like I was a 16 year old mom, but being 19 with a baby still makes people look at you differently.” She shrugged and Harry frowned slightly upon hearing this.

“People are dicks.” He said and she smiled at his lame attempt to comfort her after what she had shared, but it wasn’t necessary, that had stopped bothering her a long, long time ago, “And Celeste’s dad? You guys were young, how does he feel about that?” He asked and Diana suddenly looked down at her coffee cup before clearing her throat and glancing into his eyes.

“Ummm…h-how’re you liking teaching?” She changed the subject all together, so fast and abruptly that Harry just went along with it, barely even noticing that his previous question had been completely ignored.

“It’s been great! I was dying of nerves beforehand but as soon as I got up there it just felt amazing to know that I could share what I knew like that. It’s made me fall in love with my profession even more.” He admitted and she smiled.

“Yeah, that happens to all the great teachers I know, at least.” She shrugged and he smiled before digging into his capirotada. He moaned in satisfaction at the taste of the dessert.

“OK, that’s phenomenal.” He said after he swallowed down the bite he took.

“Oh yeah, it’s a classic.” She agreed and he hummed.

“I can see why.” He acknowledged. 

They continued to talk a little bit more, though he noticed that after he had brought up Celeste’s dad the topic stayed more at the professional level as she discussed teaching and the university, and curriculum designs. He felt bad for bringing that up, but he was curious as Celeste had talked about her dad, but very briefly and he had meant to ask more questions, but then they progressed to something else in the session and he just wanted to know more about their family unit - maybe she wasn’t married like he initially assumed. Either way, after the reaction she had, he felt like he needed to apologize for it, but it seemed that just changing the topic was enough for her. Just as he was about to ask her something else her phone started ringing and she glanced down to it.

“And that’s my 15 minute timer!” She announced and his eyes widened.

“Already?”

“Yeah.” She giggled, “Time flies when you’re having fun!” She exclaimed and he grinned.

“I guess so. I should probably head out too, I’m lecturing further than you are and I walked too.” He said and she nodded.

“Then yeah, you should.” She agreed as she stuffed the last bite of her toast in her mouth and they both stood to clean up their table a bit and gather their things. “Well, it was nice running into you. I hope your class goes well.” She smiled and he nodded.

“Yeah, yours too.”  He returned her well-wishes and then they both made their way out only to realize that he had fallen a few steps behind her as they were heading in the same direction, “I’m not following you, I swear.” He said and she laughed; she had a pretty laugh. “You’re fine.” She assured him.

“Well, while we’re going in the same direction I guess I have a sort of question about something.” He said hurrying up to match her pace and she nodded, “So in my field, it’s a female-dominant one and ummm, obviously, my class is mostly women, there are 2 or 3 guys in it, but ummm, some of the women are-”

“Oddly friendly?” She grinned up at him in question and he smiled, a cute dimply one that made her heart race in a way it hadn’t in a long time.

“Yeah, ummm, to put it nicely.” He confirmed bashfully, “I just don’t want to accidentally miscommunicate things or give the wrong impression. And I can’t deal with it as a therapist because it’s a different scenario. In therapy we just tend to confront it directly and I don’t know it that’s the best approach here too? I do notice some of them looking at me in certain ways or just being a little flirtatious with me and I don’t know… I just don’t want to mess something up. Is that something you’ve dealt with?” He asked and she nodded.

“Oh yeah, being a young professor comes with unique challenges and ummm, yeah, some of my students have put me in a position like that too and I learned that when you directly confront it they immediately deny it and then make you feel like you’re being a cocky asshole or presumptuous, which also sucks.” She sighed, “H-have you ever had a client do that to you?” She asked and he nodded.

“Once or twice, but I was still a resident and like working in my fellowship at the time so I had a lot more help to navigate that.” He explained and she nodded, “I just got switched to another rotation, it was in a psych ward so it wasn’t like I was the clinician, it was more 51-50 situations, so I was just providing the meds while we were allowed to hold them.” He explained and she nodded.

“OK, so yeah, in this scenario, if they flirt or hint at liking you just act normal, don’t acknowledge the flirtations and advances if they’re very subtle, keep it professional, set the boundary with your response. But if they start to come on stronger or in more obvious  and bold advances, like I once had a student ask me if we could go out after the class was over and I wasn’t his professor anymore. Or if they bring you gifts,” She shared, “then you can be more stern in reminding them of the boundary. I know with graduate students it’s a little different as they are full-fledged adults,” she said, “but if there are students who just seek you out without reason or are just trying to get close to you, obviously try to keep those interactions documented. So if they want to see you try to keep it over email or zoom, document meetings and appointments on your calendar, things like that. We often think that we need to not have any evidence, but paper trails are your best friend if you’re not a sketchy person!” She explained.

“OK, that is the best advice I have ever received.” He smiled and she nodded.

“I came up with that one myself.” She grinned with pride and he chuckled, “Here’s a suggestion, I don’t know if you’ll need it for your courses, but I make a calendar for my office hours for each class and add all of my students to it, they can then book their own appointments, but everyone else who is in the class sees, kind of like a virtual sign-up sheet. In my experience it dissuades those students who are just coming by to “say hi”, as they like to say.” She said and he hummed, “That is time consuming though, so if anything just try not to let them catch you alone, causally bring up you’re in a relationship, stuff like that.” She smiled. 

“OK. Yeah, I just don’t want them to take it too far and I have to do something more serious about it, you know? Like I get having crushes on your teacher, in Med school I had this o-chem professor who was so attractive, I was one of his best students and he was like a genius, he was about my age now and I knew that he kind of liked me too. There was this unspoken tension that we both just…lived with for that entire semester, but he never said anything about it. He just let it be and then after I finished his class he just kind of never spoke to me again. I didn’t take offense to it, I know that once a line like that is crossed it just makes it easier for it to happen again. But it’s hard being a sapiosexual while running in academic circles.” He said with a breathy chuckle and she nodded as she started to slow down.

“Oh definitely, I’m with you on that one!” She giggled in agreement, she was a fellow sapiosexual and knew all about that on her own, “But I think he was smart about how he dealt, your professor.” She said and he nodded, “So yeah, just be nice about it, don’t make the student feel awkward about it if it’s just a crush. And well I’m sure the magic’ll wear off after midterms.” She joked and he laughed as they came to a stop in front of a large lecture hall.

“Most likely.” He chuckled, “This you?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yep! Well, Dr. Styles it was lovely running into you.” She said again.

“Likewise, Professor Beltran. And please, s’just Harry.” He insisted once more and she smiled and nodded.

“Right. Well, I’m just Diana too, so umm yeah. I’ll uh-see you around. Have a good night.” She bid him farewell.

“You too!” He called after her before he continued walking towards his class with his heart racing a bit more than it ought to. But he was walking at a relatively quick speed and he’d just had a plain coffee with an extra espresso shot, so it was likely that his heart was reacting to just that. It was ironic really, the conversation they had just had. He had too many questions for and about her and his interest was piqued after this. All he knew was that the next time he went by the cafe he would be taking his order to-go, he couldn’t sit with her like this again.

-------

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[sonny-whorezik]

haiii ... like a week short of a month since i left everything.... i just wanted to use as Journal and catch up before i do Fully return to social media, gettin rid of the app after this post yet again:

has . been . rough. grief has been consistent the last month from my best friend and now ex leaving me, losing that new job due to being physically sick from grief and being unemployed an additional month, my best best friend my dog, sage, passed away last friday and although i left to drive to kansas i just didn't make it in time. She has wind chimes over her grave and passed listening to the sound of the wind chime my great grandma left for me. two days after her passing marked the First Full Year since my grandpa passed away, i had a dream the night before where we drove around looking at christmas lights with people no longer in my life and he just looked so so sad. i am consistently physically alone; i facetime a couple friends but i go outside alone, sleep/wake up alone, eat alone, this has been going on since i left arizona in november Most of my time is spent completely alone.

ive tried new habits. i meditate and stretch in the morning and night. i read a page a day of a stoicism book my dad got me last year with a propeller hat. i see a therapist weekly, wake up earlier, even floss now. The complete back to back to back grief has left me no choice but to just Do Something. while i would Love to share something with someone its best i reserve it to myself, yet here i am vacantly sharing my last month to who knows who...

my friend invited me to see stop making sense last night in a farther town, showed the original film not the remastered and general admission was all standing and everyone acted as if it was a real concert dancing and singing. this was my 6th time seeing it in a theater. did not cry once yet celebrated the experience i have had and although i will never have anything quite like i did with someone quite like them, at least i had it for a good portion of my life. had to devote this must be the place to myself, foreign. to be completely transparent, i do miss them every day. i do not cry like i used to, i dont let myself get consumed by thought and feeling, ive grown more desensitized as time has passed, but i still miss them of course. i consistently see things that remind me of them even when theyre not on my mind and when sage died i wanted to reach out so terribly; reminisce of the fort we built where she slept with us and i had no one to talk to but my mom who was with her til the end. i didnt. i havent reached out. it is not my place given they were the one to leave i just will not keep reaching out and chasing someone who sounded so blatantly apathetic on our last phone call. i tell myself it was just a form of self preservation to them but yknow. like. that's it, i have no choice but to experience grief with self compassion and continue on, wherever that goes.

i may be starting TMS treatment , having magnets zap my brain 5 days a week, 6 weeks. i see a cardiologist on the 30th since my chest frequently hurts and both ekgs have concerns in the pause between beats. my pulse at resting is consistently around 120 yet my blood pressure is fine; who knows. well i guess ill know actually in 10 days. im finishing a vape, got a full pack of cigarettes ive yet to touch yet plan to quit smoking here soon in hopes it helps. maybe after my pack to eliminate temptation yet not waste my money... i bought it an hour before sage passed. i barely drink coffee and dont use energy drinks anymore i do what i can for my heart now.

atticus still sleeps with me, most nights. sometimes he wanders the living room when i cant sleep. im almost halfway through galapagos. i washed my sheets for the first time since buying them in august. im very much alone and this is all fine i tell myself. the stoicism has encouraged me to alter my perspective on things more rationally as opposed to the wired self deprecating and depression-based "take everything personally" thought processes ive had for 18 years. im on my phone significantly less and i even wrote a piece on piano i may share after this post. ive been transposing it to cello, my grandma requested.

i have no interest in perusing anyone anytime soon still, whether its still too early or what i think i do just Need to do these things alone for a while. ive never found sole stability in others, i learned this at 6 with my dad, yet while outside aid would help, it is not a requirement to live however. forgive me for how long this is and for leaving once again there are a few of you i used to talk to daily and now ive just got a few contacts in my phone.

despite chronic mental illness, mourning, loneliness, you name it, ive never taken this approach before. i will typically have a suicide attempt yet here i am doing a pancake stretch and ommm-ing every morning. i keep as busy as i can, today i went through every single thing i own to sort donations and the day before i deep cleaned. there is a box wrapped in a blanket of some of the things that remind me of them. i went through it today and brought out some things like the books theyve given me, it doesnt hurt as much anymore to remember. im donating the mugs i never gave them and the one theyd use at my house when theyd come over. all their letters havent been reread yet sit in between the photo of us in the cave. it was nice to see. i am so honored they let me, of all people, share these experiences with them. i am more thankful it happened then miserable itll never happen again; at least i had it for a while. i say this yet if a year passes and i hear from them, i would love to reconnect: hear how their life has been, what they've been doing, how their family is and if they are doing better. if this has helped. while for 6 years i believed they were really it for me, whether we ever dated or not ive always considered them the only one who Really Knew who i was, how i worked, you name it. although im "moving on" by taking care of myself more, it is upsetting to admit if i ever have a chance again, id take it in a heartbeat. i say this yet still believe Even if i do never get a chance, that's okay too. While i would, i dont anticipate it, rely on it, sit in denial "theyll surely come back," its alright if they never do. i live each day as if they never will yet to my core do know that i would try again

a knee ways .. i hope you, whoever reads, is doing okay, that you feel alright and what not. you dont have to feel good every day, but at the least alright i hope ... not sure if/when ill come back maybe just once a month im unsure yet .was just in a solid enough state to do this for a moment . wish you all well ,

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Most days, this bit would have made me smile a bit in the moment, but I wouldn't have found it significant enough to actually cut out and post. Because "broadly in favour of gay pride" is hardly a controversial stance for a comedian these days to take, it's not a particularly big deal.

But this happens to be a week when a town in my own country has voted to outlaw public depictions of pride, and I usually try not to use this blog to talk too much about current events (because 1) I don't think social media is the place for actual news, and even if it is, maybe news can be okay if coming from journalists' social media accounts, it shouldn't come from random people like me, and 2) if I comment on one current issue then I get concerned about all the other ones I'm leaving out, so I avoid all of them, everyone could safely and accurately just assume that I am constantly paralyzed with horror at everything going on in the world so I don't need to spell every single one out), but that particular banning of pride stuff has been particularly depressing me lately, in addition to the larger issues across Canada and the United States of a massive backlash against queer people. I think in the area of queer acceptance, the Overton window is start to move to the right for the first time in my lifetime, and that is fucking awful to watch.

So given that, hearing John Robins and Elis James say some fairly basic "gay pride is good" stuff was, actually, pretty fucking uplifting. And I happened to listen to this bit while on a break at work, in a job where I'm an autism therapist and that job has a lot of overlap with the job of being a teacher. And my sexual orientation... okay it sometimes involves theoretical attraction to men, like I can find certain men attractive if they fall into the narrow range called "my type" but in actual practice I know from experience that even being very attracted to a man is not enough for me to actually enjoy sleeping with one, so on a practical level the word "lesbian" probably describes me accurately, even though when describing my own sexual orientation I tend to use the word "gay" because that feels a little bit broader and like lesbians aren't allowed to sometimes be attracted to men, even men with whom they don't wish to actually have physical sex, but "gay women" are allowed that because there's more scope in that term, I think, I'm not really sure... but anyway, my sexual orientation is certainly not far off from lesbian, and my job is not far off from teacher, so hearing those guys say they're in favour of lesbian teachers was a pretty fucking cool thing, while I sat in an empty classroom on a break at work and listened to this podcast. Might have got mildly emotional hearing that, specifically because I've spent most of this week being depressed about some of the local rulings on pride in Canada, and the implications they have for more regional areas that have just been looking for opportunities like this, and of course the significant backlash against queer people that's happening all over North America right now.

I don't know. I realize a British comedian saying queer people are fine is hardly groundbreaking. But if anyone's feeling depressed about The Backlash right now, and how many comedians have turned out to be disappointingly fine with said backlash, here are John Robins and Elis James in 2017 talking about how great pride is. John Robins even suspending his usual policy of getting furious at people who don't follow the rules, because that's just how great pride is.

[donttalkaboutmemes]

Treasure Planet (2002) Sentence Meme Pt 2

Under the cut you will find 90+ sentences from Treasure Planet (2002) to use for your enjoyment!     

"They weren't exactly singing my praises when I left home, but I'm gonna change that."

"I got some plans. Gonna make people see me a little different."

"Sometimes plans go astray."

"You give up a few things, chasing a dream."

"Was it worth it?"

"Make up your blooming minds!"

"I must congratulate you. It seems your cabin boy did a bang-up job with those lifelines."

"Resume your posts. We carry on."

"It weren't your fault, you know."

"Don't you get it? I screwed up! I mean, for two seconds I thought that maybe I could do something right but...I just..."

"You got the makings of greatness in ya, but you gotta take the helm and chart your own course."

"Stick to it no matter the squalls and when the time comes you get the chance to really test the cut of your sails and show what you're made of, well, I hope I'm there catching some of the light coming off you that day."

"I best be getting about my watch and you best be getting some shut-eye."

"Getting in too deep here. Next thing ya know, they'll be saying I've gone soft."

"What we're saying is we're sick of all this waiting."

"We don't move 'til we got the treasure in hand."

"I say we kill 'em all now."

"Disobey my orders again like that stunt you pulled and so help me, you'll be joining hin."

"It's that boy. Methinks you have a soft spot for him."

"Mark me, the lot of ya. I care about one thing and one thing only. You think I'd risk it all for the sake of some nose-wiping little whelp?"

"Shut your yap! I cozied up to that kid to keep him off our scent! But I ain't gone soft!"

"I was never much good at games. Always hated to lose."

"Change in plan, lads! We move now!"

"Strike our colors."

"Pirates on my ship? I'll see they all hang."

"Defend this with your life."

"Did you actually aim for that?"

"Oh my goodness! That was more fun than I ever want to have again!"

"Slight-bruising, that's all. Cup of tea and I'll be right as rain."

"I just want to hug you and squeeze you and hold you close to me!"

"I've been marooned for so long. I mean, solitudes fine. Don't get me wrong. For heaven's sake, after a hundred years you go a little nuts!"

"Look, I'm kind of in a hurry, okay? I got to find a place to hide and there's pirates chasing me."

"Oh, pirates! Don't get me started on pirates! I don't like them!"

"I think he suffered from mood swings, personally. I'm not a therapist."

"Wait, wait, wait! What about the treasure?"

"I'm sorry. My memory isn't what it used to be."

"I've lost my mind. Ha ha! I've lost my mind! You haven't found it, have you?"

"I really need to find a place to hide, okay? So, I'm just gonna be, you know, moving on."

"I guess, uh, this is goodbye, huh? I'm sorry that I'm so dysfunctional."

"Look, if you're gonna come along, you're gonna have to stop talking."

"Touching and talking. That's my two big no-no's."

"Before we go out on our big search, would you mind if we made a quick pit stop at my place? Kind of urgent."

"I think you just solved my problem."

"Pardon the mess, people. You'd think in a hundred years I would've dusted a little more often."

"Isn't that sweet? I find old-fashioned romance so touching, don't you?"

"Stop anyone who tries to approach."

"Stop giving orders for a few milliseconds and lie still."

"Very forceful. Go on, say something else."

"If it's all right with the captain, I'd like a short word with ya. No tricks, just a little palaver."

"Whatever you heard back there, at least the part concerning you, I didn't mean a word of it."

"If that bloodthirsty lot had thought I'd gone soft, they'd have gutted us both."

"Listen to me. If we play our cards right, we can both walk away from this rich as kings."

"You get me that map and an even portion of the treasure is yours."

"All that talk of greatness, light coming off my sails. What a joke."

"At least you taught me one thing. Stick to it, right?"

"That's just what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna make sure that you never see one drabloon of my treasure."

"That treasure is owed me, by thunder!"

"You still don't know how to pick your fights, do you, boy?"

"You have wonderful eyes."

"I am a doctor, but I'm not that kind of doctor. I have a doctorate. It's not the same thing. You can't help people with a doctorate. You just sit there and you're useless."

"Without the map, we're dead. If we try to leave, we're dead."

"That's a good plan. I like that plan."

"Don't panic. Breathing it, breathing out."

"Thanks for showing us the way, boy."

"You're just like me. Ya hates to lose."

"Oh, the powers that be. Would you look?"

"I don't know about you, but I'm starting to see my life pass in front of my eyes. At least, I think it's my life."

"We're gettin' close, lads! I smell treasure a-waitin'!"

"We should've never followed this boy!"

"Let's rip his gizzard out right now!"

"What if the whole planet is the mechanism and the treasure is buried in the center of this planet?"

"How in the blue blazes are we supposed to get there?"

"This is all seeming very familiar. I can't remember why."

"A lifetime of searching and at long last, I can touch it."

"Oh, a mind is a terrible thing to lose."

"Run! Run for your life!"

"I am not leaving my buddy. Unless he looks at me like that..."

"All my life I dreamed of an adventure like this. I'm just sorry I couldn't have been more helpful to you."

"Don't be daft. You've been very helpful. Truly."

"I have a question. Is it that your body is too massive for your teeny-tiny head or is it that your head is too teeny-tiny for your big, fat body?"

"Before you do, I have one more question. Is this yours?"

"Aren't you the seventh wonder of the universe?"

"I like you, but I've come too far to let you stand between me and my treasure."

"You gave up?"

"Just a lifelong obsession. I'll get over it."

"Didn't I say the lad had greatness in him?"

"Just wait until your mother hears about this! Of course, we may downplay the life-threatening parts."

"I know you don't like touching, but get ready for a hug, big guy!"

"You never quit, do you?"

"I taught you too well."

"If you don't mind, we'd just as soon avoid prison."

"He's a free spirit. Being in a cage, it'd break his heart."

"What say you ship out with us? You and me, full of ourselves and no ties to anyone."

"What do you see, off that bow of yours?"

"Look at ya, glowing like a solar fire. You're something special. You're gonna rattle the stars, you are."

"I got a job for ya. I need you to keep an eye on this here pup. Will ya do me that little favor?"

"One more thing. This is for your dear mother."

"Stay out of trouble, ya old scalawag."

"Why, when have I ever done anything else?"

[thekoopalingsandstuffs]

When was spewart diagnosed with cvs and ptsd?

When did hariet get her epilepsy and menstrual problems diagnosis?

And toppers oab/asthma?

Rango doesn't seem to have anything so uh...good job!

Spewart: "Good question... I got diagnosed with PTSD very recently by my therapist. It's not just from one event, but rather a collection of different traumatic things I've experienced in my life that continues to grow. Dr. Twila is not actually 100% sure I have it, though... "Fairly certain, but not absolute." I don't take meds for it, minus my antidepressants... And I've been to the psyche ward a couple of times throughout my life... Um... As for my CVS... That's more of a self-diagnosis that I got a doctor to agree with. I didn't puke that much when I was younger... Only on car rides n' stuff. But I'd say about four years ago, I started getting sick all the time. Once a week, I'd get out of school for a vomiting episode. If I ate something slightly too greasy, spicy, or with a little too much dairy, I'd vomit everything back up. And sometimes, I throw up, just, because. Not much is known about CVS, so there's not much I can do minus take a bunch of Pepto Bismol before I eat. Which, rarely does anything... All of us have TONS of medical issues, varying in severity. I assume you just picked the two we're most known for...? Well, thank you, Anon! We don't get to really talk about our issues often." :3

Hariet: "I don't remember it, but when I was in, maybe, the fourth grade... I sat down to watch a new TV show that had come out. Not sure what it was, but it had flashing lights and crazy sounds and things like that... Well, one of my brothers found me, on the floor, twitching, pupils dilated, frothing at the mouth, unresponsive... I got taken to the hospital, my family was informed that I had had a seizure, and later got diagnosed with epilepsy the same week, when I had another seizure, attempting to watch the show again. As for my menstrual stuff... For those who don't know, I got my first period when I was seven, which is... Not normal! And I get LOTS of pain, LOTS of blood, and it lasts for a LONG time. Still not normal!! I got a uterine scan in the seventh grade... I'm not sure exactly what was found, but I have some kind of deformity in my uterus that's causing abnormal periods. And also, I CAN get impregnated, but it's unlikely the fetus will survive... I am... Scared to try birth control, and I have hope that maybe this issue will go away on its own eventually, so I just have to DEAL WITH IT."

Topper: "I think I got diagnosed with asthma in the beginning of middle school... There's multiple potential causes for it—Living in foster homes with smokers, getting choked in fights a lot, allergies, air pollution, moldy rooms, simple genetics, etcetera. There was cause for concern when I suddenly started struggling to breathe and almost passed out in gym class one day. Been needing an inhaler on me at all times since. Okay, and I've always had OAB, ever since I was a baby but never got it officially diagnosed until VERY recently. As a kid, most of my foster parents assumed that my accidents were from me being irresponsible, not listening to my body, and intentionally holding until the last minute. It couldn't possibly be not my fault! And the ones that did know something was wrong with me never took me to the doctor; They gave me diapers and called it a day. Thankfully, my issues are WAY less bad than they used to be. But one day, I got curious, Googled my symptoms, took them to a doctor, and sure enough! I officially got an OverActive Bladder! Yay me?"

Rango: :D

Yeah, unless you count Rango's ADD and lack of arm, he has not much going on compared to his siblings. But, of course, there is that "mystery illness" he's dealing with~... I also headcanon that Rango had a shitty immune system & got sick a lot as a child to make up for his lack of serious problems.

[saturnandthewinter]

I'm high, I have hyperfocus and this motherfucker named Tangerine is now the biggest hyperfocus of mt life now

I just don't know if I should finish this, it's just a draft but I'm serious considering finish a smut for the first time ever

English it's not my first language and lalalas

Tangerine knew that there's no such thing as an easy job, but Jesus Christ nobody ever told him that things could be this fucking difficult.

Lemon warned him. His brother, god bless his good soul, tried to talk his way out of this ridiculous job, but Tangerine didn't listened to him. Maybe he truly was a Gordon after all. And now here he was. Sitting in a ginormous comfortable chair with a fantastic book that he got from your bookcase trying to read while you and Lemon were on the couch talking excitedly about an anime that you convinced him to watch saying that in exchange you would watch all the twenty-four seasons of Thomas the Tank Engine.

He didn't know how much longer he could handle this situation with sanity in his mind, but with how much your brother were paying just for them to keep you safe inside your house he knew he would rather eat his right hand out of his body than mess this up. Even because Lemon, that traitor, was having the time of his life. Every day since the second half of the first week in your house, Lemon says he's grateful for Tangerine accepting the job. The easiest job of their life. And the higher-paying too.

Maybe, just maybe, if Tangerine was a little bit less of a profissional this actually would be the easiest job in his life. A beautiful house in the middle of a forest that looks like a scenario out of the fucking Twilight movie that you made Lemon watch in exchange of that one cartoon with the human and the dog, his brother is happy that he finally got a friend to share his interests, a good payment at the end of every month, not even one day of violence since the beginning of this job and you.

The level of frustration and violence running wild in his body it's not comprehensible right?

Everything was just so perfect...

.

.

.

Except Tangerine wanted to bend you in every surface in sight and fuck you dumb on his cock at every opportunity. It was the first time he tried to resist the impetus to take something that he wanted and maybe Lemon was right and he should have seen a therapist. But you were just so sweet, always concerned about his well-being, always smiling in the morning and making coffee for you and Lemon and tea for him, always offering yourself to moisturize his hair and asking his opinion in everything like the food you cooked or the books he's reading. It would be hard to resist nevertheless.

But again Tangerine was a professional. The fact that your brother were one of the most dangerous mafia eaders of the Eurasia and you used to date his best mate before he got murdered trying to protect you a few years ago sending your brother into a spiral of madness and cruelty was just a detail.

--x--

He could feel his member in his hand, hot, pulsing and begging for relief. Just God knows how much he tried to avoid this from happening because he knows once he let his mind succumb just a little to thought of you he will need more ande more and soon just thinking about you will not enough. But now it's over. His cock was throbbing so much and was desperately needing release. Every goddamn time you made him hard he tried touching himself picturing another woman, but every time it was you that he was imagining you without him even noticing what he was doing. When Tangerine switched back to a another woman he became almost instantly soft. It was driving him to the brink of madness and he couldn't deny himself any longer.

He was so eager to finally give in that he doesn't even know where to begin with. Should he let you take the lead and be the sweet little thing he knows you are and be all soft and smalls kisses before giving in to desire shyly and slowly or should he take the lead and ravish you without mercy making you succumb to him faster and messier?

He definitely wants to go down on you that's for sure, but he couldn't decide between exploring slowly your body anticipating you to when he finally starts to eat you out or going straight to the place the dreamed for almost three months now and devour you until he was satisfied.

"Fucking hell, I need to slow down or I'll come and I didn't even decided exactly how I'm going to take her." Tangerine was getting close to spill himself all over your panties just with the flashes that he was conjuring of you but he hasn't able to decide how to make you his yet. He decided to test himself to see how much control he had over his body in case he needed to be soft and tender with you in case you're stil a virgin and just cum after he was able to conjure both scenarios in his head without touching himself during this process of torture. He needed to prove himself worthy of you and be prepared for all possibilities concerning your well-being.

Tangerine move his hands to his hair, close his eyes and take a deep breath imagining you asking for him to be careful with you "Please, go easy with me okay? I've never did this, not even with Draken? so please be gentle" you would say and he couldn't explain the feeling that bloomed in his chest and made his dick switch uncontrollable.

"Of course, love. Do you feel prepared enough?" he asked while rubbing his cock along your slick pussy making obvious with the lewds sounds that you were more than ready.

"Yes."

"Can I put in?" he answered pressing the tip of his member in your tight opening.

"Yeah. Don't need to have pity okay? Just worry if I say stop, unless keep going" Oh, but how could he not be pitiful of you if you're such a cry baby and he crumble when he see you with tear in your eyes.

"Okay, darling. I'll try my best." Tangerine whispers against your neck, his hot breath making you shiver, before pressing his tip further into you making you suck a little breath.

You put your arms in his shoulders looking down mesmerized by the scene of finally having Tangerine filling you.

At that thought his cock throbbed so violently he instantly knew that if he needed to be more a little more alert otherwise he would cun before imagining you getting fucked dumb.

Tangerine is trying to calm himself after being carried away for too long taking deep breaths. You will be the death of him, he's sure. Your pussy will be his reason to come back after every job in one piece. He just knew that.

--x--

You wake up the next morning feeling throughly fucked feeling you body running hot. You have a few flashes of you dream with Tangerine and you are actually on the verge of tears realizing that it was just a dream just like Bella in Breaking Dawn. In the only day you don't touch yourself to the thought of him it's the day that your brain reminds you of what you shouldn't try to ignore.

Maybe if you didn't manifested your life in your early teens wishing a life like Twilight and other book series your life wouldn't be such a mess right now and even with all the disasters in the history, the romance plot was the one consuming you the most.

Speaking of manifestation, you did asked for a sign that the spell you used of that old book with hand-written spells worked. And since you don't believe in coincidences there must be a connection between this things no? Maybe you should ask for a clearer sign.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

How can I get help without my family finding out? I don't want them to worry about it, but I do recognize that I need help as soon as possible.

Anon, this is a tough one to answer because I don't know your basic living situation. However, if your family consists of healthy, non-toxic people with a basic level of caring about you and your general safety, then I'm going to tell you something that may be hard to hear: you should open up to them. If you can't do it all at once, maybe you could ask for help researching therapists in your area, and say you're experiencing some mental health struggles and that you want to seek the support of a professional. If you choose to do it this way, perhaps you could take some time ahead of the conversation to map out what you are willing to disclose. Write it down on paper. It's natural for friends and family to get concerned and to care about the people they love, so there will be questions, and you might have a less stressful time in the discussion if you know ahead of time what you want to say. "No" statements can also be helpful in regards to some questions - "I don't feel comfortable answering that at this point in time" for example.

You could also let them know that it's really hard for you to open up and ask for help and that you really need them to make this easy on you. Another list you can make ahead of time is "things my family can do to be supportive of my disclosure." If they're a loving family, they will WANT to help you, and it may scare them to not know how, so having some guidance from you might actually set a positive starting point. It's a family's job to worry when one of their own is suffering, anon. I know that can be hard to accept. But their worrying means they care, and letting yourself be supported and cared about can mitigate much bigger problems that could arise in the future.

However, if your family situation is more complicated than that, or if you are suffering abuse in the home and are not safe to disclose, I suppose you should research your specific eating disorder and look into therapeutic techniques that frequently help those suffering. Try to establish safe spaces in order to practice eating normally, and take frequent breaks when you are in an unsafe space in order to remind yourself that this unsafe environment is not normal and not what you deserve. If you are able to create a safe space, remind yourself that you are safe to explore food and recovery freely. When you are up to it, try exploring your relationship with food and try to be free to enjoy each bite you are able to take. If it's hard or feels negative, it's okay to sit with those feelings and feel them. You will have to continue to practice that after eating, giving yourself self-care in the ways that work for you and reminding yourself that you deserve to love yourself even when it's difficult to. Create a mentality of self love, so that you truly BELIEVE you deserve better.

I hope you have people around you that you can open up to even when it's the hardest, scariest thing you have to do, anon. And I hope you have people who listen and respond with love.

[lykaios2]

hi! This is the anon(Again, still new! Forgive me!) who asked for the bullied sister! This was really special to me, because it reminded me of me and my little brother who gets bullied for being autistic.

Anyways, if it’s not to much to ask, would you do more little autistic sibling? Thank you!!

pt2 of mm turtles with an autistic sibling! semi sequel to this one

as per usual I tried my best to not make this offensive at all because my (theoretical) autism is not very severe (or maybe it is idk I can't wrap my head around the fact that autism is a spectrum and whenever I see people who have more severe forms of autism I feel bad saying that I likely have it)

anyways enough about me, here you go! hope you enjoy ❤️

Leo:

-Leo really likes to be around you a lot to make sure you’re safe, because he knows that it can be very easy for things to go wrong when you’re on your own. He tries not to be a helicopter parent, but he’s just worried about your safety. He’s aware that you can be very sensitive to your environment. One time, he witnessed you have a breakdown from overstimulation, and he almost had one himself. He was so concerned about you, and he didn’t like seeing you in that state.

-He’s learned all of your triggers and everything that makes you uncomfortable, so he can avoid them all. He knows how to help you calm down if you’re about to have a breakdown or panic attack. He’s basically designated himself as your main caretaker.

Raph:

-After Raph finally started getting the therapy he swears he didn’t need, one of the things his therapist suggested to help with his anger issues was fidget toys. He didn’t really have any though, but he knew you did, so he asked if you could share some with him. At first, you told him no. You didn’t want to part with your fidget toy, what if he broke it or lost it, or worse? He understood your concern, and instead asked if you could help him get one, which was a lot easier for you to do.

-Now Raph always has one on him, and a few extra for you two to share as well. Of course, you still have your own that you keep to yourself, but you've warmed up to the idea of sharing some with Raph. There have been quite a few times where you’ve forgotten a fidget toy at home and Raph has had one ready for you, which has saved you a lot of trouble.

Mikey:

-Mikey is very sensitive towards your lack of speech. He knows you don’t like to talk a lot, but it makes no difference to him. It’s still a little confusing to him though, because to him, talking is one of the simplest ways of expressing your feelings. But to help communicate with you, he learned sign language so you could talk to him without having to actually speak. He doesn’t use it himself (he couldn’t get the hang of it with only three fingers) but he still learned so he could know what you’re trying to say with sign language.

-Sometimes you stay after school with Mikey to watch him do improv or perform in a play. You love watching the shows he does, and you think he performs amazingly, but every so often you get this feeling that you could never show and express emotions like he can. You ask him how he does it, and he says it comes naturally to him. He tells you that it’s okay to not know how to express yourself, and that emotions are complicated and often difficult to understand.

Donnie:

-As quiet as you might be, you could talk for hours on end about your interests. And guess what? Donnie will listen. Your time together is mainly spent sharing about your interests, shared or not. Donnie understands that your favorite shows or books or whatever are really important and special to you, and all you want is to share your love for them with someone else.

-Sometimes at school, he’ll introduce you to one of his friends that likes something you do as well. He does most of the talking in the beginning, but after a while you start to hold the conversation on your own. He often sits and listens to you talk, occasionally chiming in, but he’s mainly focused on being proud of you for talking with a new person.