#And also my friends. But ill also miss everyone here
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#*p#A week until I go home 6 months have felt like two#Maybe three months#Well I don't really go home in a week bc first I'm doing other stuff#(Like the great 2024 kili meet upppp!!)#But then I'll be home after that and I really don't know what to think of that#Like obviously my dog#My babies#I get to see themmmm#And also my friends. But ill also miss everyone here#And I think I like living alone . I do t want to go home and having g other people tell me what to do. But also my bedroom I love you#And not having to make my own food
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feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole
#hivemind tv#hmfcu#riley savage#graydon weaver#quadeca#jane remover#eden burke#my art#2023#fanart#doodles#furry#its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online#doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself#and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling#and come back and then the cycle repeats#its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard#so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)'#NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here#and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out#and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave#i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style#idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment#i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one”#or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it”#sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse#whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m#friends for a while i think#woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography
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Hi im back . For some time
#.mimiming ❜#um . hi im gonna slee soon but i missed you all so much#umm first of all im trying to ccut down in screentime because my therapist told me to#second. after two or three months of convincing myself that i literally do not care im only going to school for just a few more days (onl#y today and wednesday) i literally do not care#i almost keep crying . because well um#idk. i was originally planning on cutting off contact with everyone#because of stuff thats happened before#but my friends. my current friends dont just treat me as a therapist or something so#also one of my wives would probably hunt me down and kill me if i tried to cut off contact#but ill still miss this stupid class and this stupid school and all the stupid teachers and students#and the horrible tasting canteen food#and the playground ive played in eight times total despite being here for 12 years#idk man#also because of my periods my mood swings were so much worse#and i just ..idk i needed a break ig#anyways im back for sometime then ill start looking for a job#me friend said maybe we can do something together#idk#you can always send me asks and dms tho 👍👍#im not really sure . like about anything right now#ill try to get the drawing requests done soon maybe#wild how time passes huh#god i need to stop acting like such a grownup im literally three years old
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Not reblogging it for reasons, but I really agree with that person on here who said people are reframing depression and generally feeling shit all the time as a good thing because of the horrors of Gaza. There are people on here heavily implying that you feeling bad and finding it more and more difficult to live with yourself is actually an appropriate response to war and genocide. In some way, it might be. But the thing is, where does that lead? Does it lead to decisive action in accordance to your values, or to nihilistic stewing and self isolation from your community?
The post went on to call it anti-recovery culture- I don't know if I would call it that, because I get why people don't like recovery culture, especially in relation to addiction, but mental illness also. I think that's something I'm not qualified to speak on. So I wouldn't call this anti-recovery culture. Instead I would call it pro-burnout in activism culture. Do you honestly think people who are the most productively working in their communities and participating in actions to help overseas are feeling like this? Or do you think they have learned to use self-accountability and community support to reign themselves in when they begin to burn out emotionally, and rest and recuperate their mind in order to come back stronger? Ask yourself, is that wrong of them to do, because they should be feeling bad, because after all that is the appropriate response....does it mean they don't care, because they don't spend all their time feeling shit? Or perhaps, the truth is, they do care, and are demonstrating it all the time, but they also understand that them feeling shit literally doesn't help anyone. Why can we not talk about or acknowledge this?
#i don't want to make out like i'm some amazing activist- absolutely am not talking about myself here#but i think they key thing is activism is best done as a group and one of the group's important functions is caring for one another#if you see an activist framework that encourages people to isolate from others it's not leading anywhere good- avoid#please do not let these ghouls trick you into thinking your depression and shit feelings are the right thing to feel#or that it's wrong to not want to have them any more#as that other post said: no thought crimes and also no thought activism#it's just thoughts and they don't do anything without actions and guess what makes you unable to do actions? (depression)#by the way i wish there was a better word than burnout to talk about this because it's so associated with work and capitalism#but it's a thing- i have seen it through my environmental activism group over the past 4 years#one woman just cut ties with everyone right down to her best friend and disappeared- we know she is alive but that's it#i miss her. but she had all the tools to avoid burning out and she didn't use them- at the end of the day you can't MAKE someone stop#oh yeah finally the above attitude to mental illness also puts you in a vulnerable place for conspiracy thinking#PLEASE do not become like my dad who listened to his mental illness too hard#and went from a leftist to a horseshoe theory conspiracist#guess how much activism he does now?! (hint: it's 0)
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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ik realistically i never got a lot of love for jensen and bryce bc oh my god a queer pairing of color?????? fucking tragic i know but also i like to pretend its just bc they are too complex for the mere cishet choices player to understand 😌
#no bc fr otherwise ill just be sad :')#on one hand i love laying everything on the line from day one#my first fic was a demiro bryce fic which scared off all the bryce romancers bc god forbid i go against the general consensus hc#and like sure i dont want them there if they cant appreciate or try to understand other hcs#but on the other hand like how fucking disappointing is that???#like its just so fucking tragic#this fandom is such a non queer friendly place#and not usually in the literal bright red im queerphobic way#but in the small ways that are so obvious#to queer people but maybe not the rest#and idk i just.. miss a lot of the people that were here when i started ig??#like ik im the one who bothered to stay this long but also like i just want people to enjoy media/hc bc theyre good???#like not bc they fit a trope you like??#idk im just wishing for something that isnt a thing here#and i Know it#but still#to have friends who love the characters i do would be so nice#just to gush about them yk#but the second i came here with a different hc it immediately set me too far apart from everyone else#and on one hand i Am annoyed#but on the other i just ignore it bc if i paid attention to it i might rip somebody's arm off#n e ways that was a nice mj ramble for you all youll never get it again
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about to finish y0...ermmm
#mine#just sitting here at the finale ready to go...i had a couple maji substories i forgot about so i cleared those out (WAHHHHH ill miss the#cabaret club thing i thought it was so cute and i loved all the platinum ladies...)#ill miss playing as him ugh im trying to extra enjoy every second i spend with him on the screen...mi amor#i did ch15 and 16 today too omfg when i had to do the boss fight against REDACTED i was so sad i spent 90% of that fight#apologizing out loud to him bc i felt so bad im glad everyone became friends#also kuze was a flop loser as always he is so easy to wipe the floor with...#anyway...bwaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate ending things i hate finishign things...#if something emotionally impactful enough happens i will definitely cry -_- i'm already sensitive#trying to reassure myself by remembering that 1. there are 7 trillion other games in this series#& 2. when i miss majima i can always load up an old save 0 will always be in my library i will always be able to see pookie#and i have saves in every chapter of course so i can see him at any point in the story...i can do any minigame or substory#<33333#ok. making this post only puts it off longer...
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last post ended up deleting my tags so im continuing them here
#but.#even after all the time i had aparti still went back at 16#i traveled across the country just to see her again#and it fucking sucked#she ripped that wound right back open#which . felt so weird because she WANTED me to come#she made all the plans#honestly the train trip there was nice#i got to experience a lot of cool things#but the second i got there. it was . one of the worst times of my life#just nonstop#and now ive finally been away for awhile again#but i still miss her#& i dont know why#but it also doesnt help the only gf i have ever had did the same type of thing LMAO//.... i .. i just cannot win#maybe it's just my roll#say all these nice things n then immediately flip#she would make me hang out w her friends n talk me up n then. cheat on me with them with me there#& then get upset when i cried or tried to break up w her LMAO...#like. she wasnt poly or anything she was actually against it#but the worst part is how openly & loudly she'd love me right before it. so now i never know who is telling the truth. i never feel safe#but anyway. again. i stayed#over n over again id try to break up w her but then i loved her & so when she got upset n threaten to kms id flip n stay#n she'd do it again#until eventually she broke up w me n left me so fuckd up im not gonna lie JHVAJH#she still tried to stay friends after that n i tried#but then i started sobbing mid card game & it was very embarrassing top 10 worst things i have done#but i just. all i want is to be a good person. i want to be someone good & loving but i feel like im such a jealous monster#even if i dont let myself show it n try to ignore it bc i dont want to hurt anyone or be this awful it;s still here. just. permeating.#what if i feel too much what if ill never know when someone is genuine what if im just an evil obsessive freak n everyone i love hates me
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Rebuilding a blog is. So much harder than I thought
#MAN i hope everyone recognizes me#long story short account got terminated. workimb on it. idk if ill ever get it back#so i made this#crazy how it just went POOF one night and ive been goinb crazy since#like i miss all my tumblr funnies bruh#im also trying to find one of my best friends on here and its hard because i dont know her exact user#nor none of her tags work#and idk how to contact raaagh
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#genuinely just want her out of my life the pain i experienced whenever i see her is tremendous#it is equally as painful as being ill#i woke up at 4am and its almost 6 and i can't stop thinking about her#and i stupid ass girl thought everything would be fine that she would understand what im going through and cried my eyes out asking for hel#and yet i got nothing. thinking she was someone i could rely on#it is so painful to see the fragments of what we were in other people. but she has actively avoided me and treated me so badly#and yet i bite back when she does and it couldn't get any worse#and i held to that hope that there's a way it can be fixed there's hope to that promise she said she didn't want to lose me#and lose the connection we had for so many years#it's like she's that kind of person everybody likes. everybody friend. but its only there for the good times and not for the bad times#and made me wonder what does friend mean to other people? for me is for the ppl who are in the good and the bad#i just kind of realized i can't talk to her anymore bc it sends me on this spirals of why's why's why's#why is she like that with me? why didn't she kept up with her promise? what kind of shit did i do or say that made everything go south?#this is too much for me and i don't know what I did wrong#everywhere i go i just see her bc she's my classmate but also i can't scape her bc her art is suddenly in art galleries#she haunts me in a way#but i miss her so much and i just we could go back to what we used to be#and i don't understand why shes like that with me none of our common friends understand either and everyone telling me to drop her#because of her behavior#and im just here praying for someone to pop up into my life and take me out of this misery#but it is really one of the hardest things for me is to meet new people literally my Achilles heel#its so hard to go through this pain alone i can barely keep up with the illness i have this shit is the cherry on top#made me wish I had ride or dies#and I have so many reasons to hate her and treat her badly and awful and yet i don't do it... and I even forgave her what she did to me#treats me like I was the one who did what she did to me#is really so bizarre
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since yesterday ive been having awful migraines so i have energy to do absolutely nothing and everything makes it worse and the only thing I can do is sleep but.hey😏🥴🫠
#jdbfjd it seems to be getting a lil bit better its not completely gone but oh my god#after extended periods of migraine i just wanna rip my eyeball out and also kms#its tiring and frustrating bc i plan to do things and then i feel so bad i do nothing 😔#today i did groceries w dad v early but then slept again bc of this headache bitch😐 this afternoon#ill meet w my friend after monThs of not seeing eachother so i really wanted to feel good😭 idk whys its been so hard to#stop having pain😔 usually its 'easy' to stop but 😔 i have no idea#anyways i miss being more on here#🍒#everyone take care !! hope youre all doing well🥹
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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i just want to stop feeling suicidal so constantly and i want to stop having my paranoia spirals and i want to have peaceful sleeps without night terrors and i want to feel safe in my body and in my own space and i want to eat and i want to not be so overwhelmed by my psychosis and i want to be over everything that kennedy did to me but i also really wish i could contact him again so i could deck him in the fucking face and then i call c and ask her what the fuck why the fuck did she do that and beg beg beg my family to leave the church that is so clearly harming them and dooming them to tragedies.... and so on...
#why did i write about that pregnancy why did i use my abuse for an assignment why did i delve into these memories such a mistake#whenever i remember it happened im like oh my god i could have had a 9 year old maybe i did want to be a mother#maybe i am suffering now bc i was supposed to be doomed to the same narrative like most women in my community#like maybe it was a fluke that i got here bc i don't fit in i hate myself so much i feel like everyone hates me and wants me dead and gone#if i knew any of their numbers still i would ask for ativan again i cannot fucking sleep my anxiety is never ending#i cannot tolerate the weight of the emotions i want to be numb i want to be high i want to be dissociated again#i broke out of my constant dissociation and now im here and i can feel my feet on the ground and i am living pov and it hurts so bad#i want to be in the arms of my best friend i want to be on her floor stroking the fuzzy carpet while we eat penne together#ever since she came back into my life i am so happy i have that anchor again but oh my god it makes me realize how distant i am from everyo#and how little i trust#i also miss my other best friend that i never get to see but i want to hug them tightly and we never have enough time w each other but ever#moment is so vivid and strong and they make me feel so alive and aware of the world we are in and its such a blessing that they decided to#talk to me the day they did and the friendship that came after like idk#i dont have many close friends but oh god the few i have i love th#them so much and they make life worth living but ugh yeah im fighting voices and spirals and theres a lot happening inside#ill be fine i have a lot of feelings my life is nonstop chaotic bc i have 5 bpd/bipolar women in my family and all emotionally absent men a#and our narratives weave together so close so tightly i cannot separate myself but i want to but can i? do i want to?#ezra.txt
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I’ll be honest with you gang, if I waited for blades 2 for three years and I can’t even be poly I’ll riot !!
#’oh this reunion scene hits harder if you romance-‘#well I kissed ALL li:s last book and no scene hits harder for me!!#because apparently by flirting and kissing em all I haven’t been committing enough#on one hand as long as this book doesn’t force me to choose a love interest at on point I Can make it work and make them poly in my head#BUT#it sucks to miss out on emotional beats!!!#we know pb can make good poly relationships!!! (remember the best book ever?)#so if they don’t take this opportunity-#PLUS#it’s so obvious they’re poly!!#here’s how it works: mc is dating everyone ->#mal and nia are dating (we saw them in the orb side quest and now they have an orphanage together)#-> nia is also getting woo-ed by imtura (who’s mainly into women in my head)#but imtura has fucked mal at a point ->#mal and tyril has definitely had GREAT sex a couple of times to ease the tension (none of them liked how good it was)#tyril appreciates nia and they bond over knowledge and magic#they’re just great friends!#the only dynamic that I haven’t figured out is imtura and tyril bc they interact the least#but ill get there…#and anyway this makes sense and I’ll have no objections but I appreciate thoughts#SO AGAIN MAKE ME AND THEM POLY YOU COWARDS#pixelberry#playchoices#blades of light and shadow#blades of light and shadow 2#tyril starfury#imtura tal kaelen#mal volari#nia ellarious#bolas
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playing inquisition first then the other games truly gave me whiplash about cullen. the way my characters feel & act toward him are very much a byproduct of how Mixed Feelings my feelings are about him 😭
#im also pretty sure ive missed out on a lot of details. & maybe the french translation has made some lines not as bad??#my hof def didnt fancy him as a mage himself but my inquisitor did. still does#both of them were in the circle at the same time for a while. hof left first under different circumstances#it is Very weird even To Me that my inquisitor WHILE IN THE CIRCLE appreciated him but also idt he ever had like.#a normal friendship before he was brought to the circle.#i dont think he ever had the chance to have a healthy bond w someone so it makes sense#i absolutely believe cullen shouldve been written & handled better but thats a flaw on like. the entire writing & worldbuilding.#its a flaw bc the devs dont think what he did is THAT bad. had it been treated w the seriousness it required it would be vastly improved#him going 'oh im sorry' isnt enough when every other line is abt how mages cant be trusted & are dangerous#& when he hasnt done the smallest thing to try to make up for his actions#like EVERYONE can be dangerous dipshit. & had things been written better i believe He Would Think That Way.#especially after he turned on meredith... he SAW that templars can also be dangerous! he knows this!!!#but because the writing itself entertains this stupid both sides shit!!! eugh u know what i am done here .#i cant get mad at the writing every other day of my life i cant 😭 ill leave it at 'i appreciate cullen but good lord the horrors'#dragonageposting#oh my GOD i just realised an oversight i made regarding my inquisitor............. 😬 i.#.................... i. will. try to talk abt it w a friend see if i can figure this out oh no thats a pretty bad plot hole
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who is me sending a bunch of texts in rapid succession without thinking about them tooooo too much
#who even is sheee lol#no but its like if i send them fast enough i can't sit here and overthink them forever go go go#bruh also i accidentlaly renamed an imessage group im in for a class group presentation#bc i didn't realize it would just rename it if you didnt click done or whatever and then i exited and it said i renamed the chat and then#removed the name lmfao 😭 so then i rerenamed it#what would it be like to not think circles about everything i sayyyyyy/dooooooo 🤩#im trying to be less like that lmfao bc all these ppl im around on board and stuff are always just like saying shit and confident and stuff#and i'm just like WATCHING LEARNING TRYING AT LEAST XD#we had a board meeting this morning at fucking 9 am bc somehow out of the several days on the when2meet#this saturday at 9am was the ONLY time everyone was available XD#and it was 32 fucking degrees this morning lmfao i still dont have my winter coat here bc apparently i dont know how to live in michigan#and it's probably gonna get very colder soon so fun :D#BUT BOARD MEETING WAS RLY FUN <333#oh also it was so funny that the discord board channel was just everyone complainign about getting out of bed bc COLD lolllll#also i ran into a couple glowstick club alumni while i was getting takeout w my friend#and it was nice to talk to them hehehe i miss them they were great <3#wish i wasn't so FUCKING AWKWARD last year so i could maybe have gotten to know them more and used my time with them better lmao#im still fucking awkward but last year was even worse lmao 🤪#but no but one of them was like jeanne i dont think ive ever seen you without a mask i didnt recognize you for a second#(which was kinda funny bc i was planning on taking my mask but then i forgot when we left and i was like ehhh it's ok ill be inside for#like half a second lol and i was but anyway) and she was literally like you're beautiful and i was like ??????!!!!!!!!!???? naurrrrrr 😭😭😭#literally UR so beautiful and ive always thought that hand in marriage wtf afjngakdljfhgfsjgk 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#u cant just say that idk how to respond lmfao 😭😭😭😭😭😭#jeanne talks#lemme get back to this fucking research for a presentation that ive been trying to do all day and doing very very slowlyyyy XD
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