#And it shows what the implication behind him using the same tactic but less violently on the old couple was

[social-cocoon]

So Troy Baker's character on HBO TLOU is absolutely dying in the next epsiode and my theory is that he'll be one of the guys Joel tortures for information about where Ellie is

[stormkrigeren]

DCEU Clark Kent/Superman/Kal-El Headcanon + Defense

One of my favorite DCEU Clark headcanons is that this farmboy has no idea how to hold his own in a fight. Here are my chronological reasons why I think this is true:

1. Clark grew up in Kansas very protected by his family. His parents were always sure to be nearby or a phone call away in case there was a problem with his powers - Martha was there mere minutes after Clark’s sensory overload at school (MoS), Jonathan apparently brought Clark with him on small jobs (the bullying scene in MoS, not to mention Jonathan and Clark’s very close relationship which revealed they spent a lot of time together). Growing up in a farming community with not much friendly interaction with boys his age (with the exception of Pete Ross from MoS), no one would have been around to teach Clark how to throw a punch or even get him interested in violence. 

2. Clark has to control his powers and never let them be seen. A fight is one of the easiest ways for his powers to be revealed: they’re fast, stressful, keep you on your toes, and require a decent amount of physical speed, strength, and cognition. We know Clark has the last three and could use them in a fight if he kept them under control, but the first three are stressors that could trigger a lapse in concentration or control. Clark and the Kents don’t want that to happen because it would mean revealing his powers, so he has to stay out of situations that could lead to a fight - an example would be the bullying scene in MoS.

3. Clark likely has never experimented with his powers, so he has little control over them and nearly no idea how to use them period, much less in a fight. I’ve been listening to Doctor Awkward’s Man of Steel: Answers, Insight, Commentary Podcast, and it has been a real eye-opener. The episodes I have in mind when discussing this point are 30, 31, and 32, which discuss the tornado scene in MoS. To sum it up, Clark and his parents have likely avoided any use of his powers since the incident with the school bus a few years before, so Clark has had no chance to ‘test his limits’ and truly discover what he can do. We know that he doesn't discover flight or the full limits of his strength until later on in life, but this can also be applied to some of his other powers. He might not know how to efficiently use his speed and flight and strength in a fight, and even if he did know at least how to throw a proper punch, the mechanics of the simple movement would be seriously changed if he was using his powers/punching a superpowered being.

4. He lets Lombard hit him not because he knows he can take it, but because he doesn’t know what to do. I know the posturing in the pub scene of MoS leads many to think that Clark knows Lombard would just bounce off, but you can see by the way Chrissy reminds him that starting a fight isn’t worth it that Clark was almost intending to get violently involved by putting Lombard outside. The way he stands before the initial push, arms down at his sides, unprotected (Lombard is ‘on guard’ in a semi-crouch, fists cocked, and Clark is almost baring his chest to him), sort of shows that he was expecting Lombard to back down once he knew that Clark was bigger/stronger. Clark may have been trying to get out of the situation without violence, but knew it would be necessary once Lombard started pushing. Yet he continued to stand unprotected even when he decides to put Lombard out, which shows that he didn’t know how to protect himself properly from the next blow. He is used to people just bouncing off him, so he has never made the effort to try to learn how to go on the defense.

5. In the Battle of Smallville, he is constantly off balance and most of his blows are improperly thrown. The momentum of the fight is clearly a bit much for him and he struggles to keep up, especially when up against two trained Kryptonian soldiers. He does have good aim with his punches but never pulls them to ‘knockout’ with the full possible power behind them. He never uses any other part of his body to fight beside his fists (JL, I’m getting to you!), never throws any kicks or knees or elbows, it’s all fists. Which is exactly what you would expect from an untrained farmboy who only knows violence through bullies and 80s action movies. Now I know Clark would never be expected to stand up to the Tigress of Zod, but Non is canonically half-cow and has a fighting style even worse than Clark, yet we see him dishing it out to Kal-El! The only advantage Non has is know-how and experience while Clark clearly has nothing.

6. In the Battle of Metropolis, Clark has zero chance against Zod. It’s the same argument for the Battle of Smallville: he has no experience, only uses his fists, has almost no stamina, and is very off balance. The reason he wins is that Clark has a few aces up his sleeve: a) He has had a few months/weeks to figure out how to fly, he is more comfortable in it than Zod (who learned like 30 seconds ago), b) He is in more control of his sensory powers than Zod (who learned that day), c) He has a hot reporter and an amazing mom rooting for him, d) Zod is basically suicidal at this point after losing his entire purpose, he has no other reason to live besides to spite Clark and he is quickly getting tired of that.

7. When fighting Batman, Clark is nearly all scare tactics. It’s been two years since Zod, maybe he’s picked up a few things since then, but in the BvS fight scene every move Clark makes is almost meant to intimidate instead of hurt. In his two years of being Superman, he has learned that almost no one will challenge him because he is a scary alien from outer space who can shoot lasers from his eyes, so he continually plays off of that when speaking with anyone of authority (he does it with Swanwick in MoS, and a tiny bit with Finch in BvS, and with Ludlow in MoS again). Nearly every interaction he has with Batman is all about posturing and standing very intimidating, every punch is only half-thrown, and he doesn’t even break into a run at any point. The problem is Bruce is an even bigger drama queen than Clark, the entire ‘battle’ is just them chatting angrily (I love BvS, I always smile at this scene because not only does it prove that Clark can barely fight, but also shows just how big of dorks these two idiots are. I love them.)

8. Fighting Doomsday is the first time we see a glimpse of a possible fighting tactic, though it's not a good one at that. You can see Clark doing it as far back as the Battle of Smallville, though I think it’s the most prominent here. Instead of deflecting punches as trained martial artists tend to do (letting punches glance/bounce off/turn away) Clark tends to catch them by letting all the force hit him instead of something a bit more fragile. This is great because it shows that he is worried about things/people around him getting hit and combats that by taking the hit himself. It’s literally the first thing he does when Doomsday comes out of the cocoon. He is also a bit quicker and more sure of himself in this fight, but has terrible style besides ‘catching’ and still tends to leave himself way overexposed to any possible blows (literally what caused his death)(he honestly could have stabbed Doomsday from behind it ain’t that hard he can fly).

9. The fight in Justice League after his resurrection is barely improved. Clark does use more of his body (*headbutt*) beside his fists, but is still 90% scare tactics (I mean you, slow-turn-to-glare-back-at-Victor-after-he-fired-the-missile). He uses more of his powers, but I think that is because he is still suffering from amnesia and doesn’t have the ‘mental block’ (throwback to the fandom pre-BvS when everyone was discussing why he couldn’t fly as a kid (it’s because he wasn’t thinking past what he knew he could do to what he could possibly do)), so when he is himself Clark is actually holding back his punches so as not to hurt anyone. Amnesia-Clark is a bit more full-force because he has no guilt to hold him back. As for his other powers, Clark is constantly trying to appear as un-alien as possible to avoid hostility, which is the reason he rarely uses more than one power at a time (besides strength and flight). Amnesia-Clark doesn’t have that fear, so uses his powers as he pleases without worrying about the implications.

10: The fight against the Parademons and Steppenwolf is interesting because although he doesn’t have a fighting style, he does have a goal. He fights with the intention of protecting the people and driving Steppenwolf away, so every movement is done with the intention of incapacitating the bad guy. He still leaves himself terribly open, but he does dodge a blow instead of ‘catching it’. You can see his ‘fighting style’ (or lack thereof) transitioning from catching to protect others to dodging to destroy the enemy. He also uses his heat vision and arctic breath as weapons, which seems a little desperate for him, but by then he can see that everything he does is not putting Steppenwolf down, so Clark takes it up a notch. He still doesn’t have the know-how to think militarily and keep the enemy close (why do heroes keep tossing the baddies?! just hit them!). Additionally, after separating the mother boxes he just lays there for a bit in pain but makes hardly any effort to get up and check the perimeter and confirm that the war is over, which again shows a lack of military thinking. This is the battle where he changes the way he fights because he knows that this bad guy can take what he dishes out. Every other fight you can see him holding back just a little so as not to hurt people around him, but in JL he finally begins to let loose just a tiny bit. You can see that he is still not quite comfortable with using his powers (besides strength and flight, canonically his favorite ones) to hurt, but he is trying.

One last thing, despite his super endurance, Clark is panting in nearly every fight scene I’ve watched. Another throwback to some great fanfiction I read discussing how despite the fact that Clark doesn’t need to breathe or can at least hold his breath for a long time, panting after a kiss/during a fight is more of an emotional response caused by stressors than him actually lacking oxygen (the fic I’m referencing is Eowyn77′s ‘Rosy-Fingered Dawn’ on fanfiction.net).

As you can see, in nearly every fight Clark is involved in, he is more of a Tank than an actual Warrior. This is not to say that he is almost useless in a fight, but more of a call-out post reiterating just how much of a farmboy he is even in the face of multiple alien invasions. Lois will always be around to protect him, tho!

tldr: Clark Kent can’t even throw a proper punch, must protect the smol farmboy.

[babes-and-baddies]

How much do we actually know about Shigaraki Tomura, and how much is just implication? And can we truly trust what we have been shown?

As odd as it is, I feel like the more we learn about him, the more questions are brought up. And while a lot of this may be old news on unsurprising to must of us, all well as basic ‘well of course that applies to him’ info, it’s still worth sitting down and evaluating how much is actually true. I probably missed some things, and will update when new info comes up!

WHAT WE KNOW IS TRUE:

Shigaraki Tomura is the name given to Shimura Tenko, grandson of All Might’s teacher Shimura Nana. He was taken in by AfO, who killed his grandmother, and was raised to become his successor so as to cause All Might to most possible pain. (source: ch 88, 92, 222)

He’s 20 years old, was taken in as a child, and at 14 experienced the aftermath of his Sensei being beaten at the hands of All Might, and in turn saw  his Sensei receiving irreplaceable damage. (source: ch 1, 220)

He has countless scars across his face; a group surrounding his eyes, one down his left eye, and one down the right side of his mouth. He’s had them since before AfO took him in, so they’re most likely from either earlier in his childhood, or from whatever event traumatized him and killed his family. (source: ch. 222)

He wears what he believes/are actually the disembodied hands of his family, which he murdered as a child. Flashbacks of his family include his parents, a little girl, and a corgi, although it’s never stated these flashbacks truly correspond with his family. There are additional, unaccounted for, hands, which he wears alongside his family as part of his villain costume. He treats his ‘family’ with genuine care, apologizing to them and making sure they’re safe; at the same time, for all the peace they bring him, there’s a sense of horror and pain. (source: USJ, ch 85, 220, 222)

He’s incredibly intelligent, and usually when his plans fail it’s because of unpredictable factors (Deku distracting them at USJ, Katsuki’s stubbornness and unique ideals + Momo’s tracker, etc). He successfully managed to use Stain’s ideals for his own benefit despite hating him, and duped the 8POD into trusting the League before stabbing them in the back and taking what he needed from them. (source: a lot)

Moral ideals and grand plans personally mean nothing to him, and he’s shown disinterest for such ideas from the beginning by making his speech at USJ and then nonchalantly agreeing it was bullshit, and his hatred and lack of understanding of Stain’s ideals and popularity.  He’s even outright said he doesn’t want power or authority, but instead wants to simply destroy. (source: his USJ speech, ch 69, 222)

He wants to kill everything he doesn’t like, including All Might. Shigaraki is cruel, violent, and driven by a mix of anger, emptiness, and hatred. This has always been the case, and chapter 222 has gone ever further in explaining how he deals with his feelings. AfO fostered his trauma and its effects, and taught him how to use them so he directs his pain out against the world. The exact reasons behind and mechanics of how this happens is still uncertain, but nonetheless interesting to look into. (source: ch 69, 88, literally every appearance he’s in)

Shigaraki is dealing with trauma and mental illness, and received little to no help for coping with it. The exact nature of his mental illness is unclear - there have been lots of interesting options people have talked about that are worth bringing up, such as depression, OCD (plus excoriation disorder for scratching at his neck), BPD, PTSD, and autism, but in the end it’s hard to say anything more definitive than ‘some mental illness’ - and the range and scope of his trauma is hard to know, but it’s still safe to say he’s dealing with both. From the way AFO and the doctor treat his breakdown after seeing his ‘families’ remains’, it’s clear they care little to none about his actual wellbeing, and instead want to use his trauma to their advantage. (source: ch 222, general traits in all his appearances)

We know Shigaraki’s own understanding of his childhood, and that his trauma shaped the person he is now in current chapters.  He has fragmented memories, rage associated with them, and a nauseous calm he has from wearing his family on him. Even while going about for non-villainous activities, such as when he ran into Midoriya at the mall, he’s still shown to have Father with him. Upon losing Father, he shows excessive stress.  That said, he’s started to wear Father less while around the League, although we don’t know what caused him to do so. It could be a tactical bid to make them trust him, or that he depends on them less when with his colleagues, or that he himself trusts his colleagues, etc. Either way, he still takes great care to protect his ‘family’ and make sure they’re on hand at all time in case something happens unexpectedly. (source: chs 18, 88 220 - 222)

The League is important to him, enough so that he’s willing to show trust in them and make exceptions in his goals to let them keep what they love. While there are different ways of explaining why he treats them with such care and freedom, it’s undeniable that he’s invested in all of them. (source: overhaul arc, ch 220 - 222)

Shigaraki is growing, learning, and coming into his own person the further along in Canon we go. While he started at USJ with using his allies as tools and canon fodder, now he takes time to individually connect with his teammates and look out for their wellbeing, even if we don’t know his emotional state behind doing this. He’s utilized his enemies ideologies for his own sake, and learned to manipulate the game to take advantage of his enemies, like how he tricked the 8POD before destroying them and stealing their quirk-erasing bullets. (source: overhaul arc, ch 85, 160)

He’s becoming the type of leader to go out in the field with his teammates, not just command from the shadows. While at USJ he was happy to abandon his minions, and at the training camp he stayed at the bar while the Vanguard Action Squad did the dirty work, by the time they faced off against Overhaul he’d be in the thick of it alongside his party, jumping off of moving trucks and including his team in his declarations, providing and proving a unified front. (ch 160, 220)

He’s also the type of guy to regularly speak in video game terms. I just think that’s neat.

WHAT IS FALSE:

‘Shigaraki is an immature whiny manchild.’ I’ll admit, he does act manic and childish about certain things in the beginning; at the same time, he’s shown a lot of maturity, intelligence, and self-awareness throughout the series. In fact I’d say he’s shown considerably more of those traits that a lot of the more central characters, considering how frequently cases of him growing and showing level-headed, calculated choices  despite are shown how little screen time Shigaraki has.

‘He has no social skills and doesn’t know how to interact in society.’ While Shigaraki clearly doesn’t care about fitting in or social norms, he’s shown time and again that he *knows how* to. He uses his words to win over Toga and Twice when they didn’t want to work temp for the 8POD. Even earlier, at Kiyashi Ward Shopping Mall, he blends into the crowd and manages to not catch any suspicion despite actively threatening the life of a teenager. He’s the type to go out into society when he needs to calm down, despite hating everything about it; he don’t act antisocially, he just doesn’t show any respect or care for the norms he uses to blend in when needed.

‘He’s inherently broken.’ It’s been heavily implied that he was manipulated into his state since Kamino, but chapter 222 made is blatantly obvious: Shigaraki’s rage, his ideals, his cruelty, is all a product of his not getting enough help as a child and instead only having AfO and his followers to help him grow up around his trauma. 

‘Shigaraki is shallow, confusing, and doesn’t know what he’s doing’ His goals may seem empty and shallow, but given his backstory and trauma it makes a lot of sense and is quite reasonable. Not everyone can relate to the self-destructive feelings of emptiness he describes, but it truly shows that he is aware of what he’s doing, knows what his motivations are, and simply chooses not to care about the morality of consequences of his desires.  Despite being clearly manipulated by AfO, he’s not a mindless shell without agency. He’s grown, and even though what he’s becoming is what AfO likely hoped for him to be, he’s still able to make his own decisions. The emptiness he feels is not his fault, but he is still able to look at his feeling and, using what he knows, choose where to go from there. He may be a victim, but he’s still a villain, and a rather self-aware and content one. He wants to destroy everything, he knows why he wants to destroy it, and that is more than enough for him. 

‘Shigaraki actively wants to heal and do better.’ Perhaps deep down what he wants is something softer, to find people to care about, to feel peace and happiness. Perhaps he wants to get rid of the emptiness, to ‘feel good’ again. But perhaps not. If he does care, it’s not like he’s putting any stock in that desire. As the adult he is now, he’s content with being cruel. He’s shown no remorse, and no desire for healing or redemption. Every living thing bothers him, so why not destroy it? It’s not like he cares about the consequences.

WHAT IS UNCERTAIN:

How much of his childhood memory is accurate? From right when I first read the chapter something seemed really off, and the many many meta (too many for me to link all of them) about this seem to agree; the facts don’t all add up, and there’s more going on in his past than even Shigaraki himself may be aware.

On that note: we don’t know if he cares about whether his memory is tampered with, or whether he is even actually ignorant about the fact. Shigaraki is content in his hatred, and truly believes he is right to do so; why should he care if it was intentionally created by his Sensei?  Perhaps learning the truth would ruin Shigaraki, putting him at odds with AfO and maybe even redirecting his anger towards the one who raised him. Or maybe learning the truth would be a non-issue, because he believes the conclusions he’d drawn are still true even if they were caused by manipulation. It could even be that Shigaraki already suspects it was altered in some and simply doesn’t care. At this point it’s too early to tell.

What was his family like before AfO found him? Some people believe he was abused by his birth family, others that he had very loving and kind family (and perhaps was forced to torture or kill them). Shigaraki himself said that he has only fragments of memory from when he was young, that he so there’s no way of knowing. We also can’t truly know if he would feel any differently now if he found out one or the other to be true. 

When did Kurogiri come into his life, and how complicit was he in Shigaraki’s abuse and manipulation? While clearly not a ‘father/mother figure’ like fanon likes to portray him, we still don’t know when he joined, what type of relationship they had, and how much interaction they had before planning the attack on USJ. To be honest, we don’t know much of *anything* about Shigaraki’s life with AfO.

How did AfO treat Shigaraki long term after taking him in? Was it with a false nurturing persona, to make Shigaraki dependent on him? Did he constantly put Tomura into dangerous situations to make him prove himself and grow, much like what he’s putting Shigaraki through even now that he’s in jail? Did Shigaraki have any outside contact with the world beside AfO, the Doctor, and potential Kurogiri/other minions as well?

Where exactly does Shigaraki’s rage come from? While he clearly believes it’s towards the world, and hates pretty much everything, it’s hard to say where exactly it originate from aside from general trauma. Is it truly towards society and the people in it, like he says? And if it is, *why* does he hate them so much? Perhaps it’s hatred towards a world he doesn’t deserve and can never be a part of. Or hatred towards himself, spreading out past his own self and infecting the rest of the world so that he hates all living things. Maybe it’s even hatred towards AfO, who never let him heal all so that he could become a weapon. Still, it could be from a genuine hatred for society that failed to save, manipulated by AfO until he couldn’t feel anything beyond it. Personally, I think it’s a mix of many of those things, all combining into a mess he’s not sure how to explain but has nonetheless come to terms with and accepted. Either way, as with many of the other things here, it’s too soon to tell.

How does he truly feels about his companions? Does he genuinely care about them? Tolerate and respect them, but only on a professional level? Or does his hollow hatred extend to them as well, and he treats them with respect in order to maintain their respect? Clearly he values them in some way, but how can we know if its more than instrumental value? I’d personally say one of the first two is most likely, but there’s still no actual way of knowing. 

How does he truly feel about himself? If he content with who he is, or just grudgingly accept it because he knows no alternative? Is his hatred of the world simply hatred of himself directed outwards? Or does he truly care for himself, and want to destroy for more direct reasons?

How exactly does his quirk work? Whenever he decays someone it still leaves blood behind, so does it not work on liquids? Or, since him decaying a piece of clothing does not automatically spread to the person under it, does it only work on one type of substance at a time and blood is considered different enough from the rest of the body to not be affected?  In USJ he managed to decay Aizawa’s elbow before his quirk stopped. With Overhaul he cut off his arm to prevent his quirk from spreading across his whole body. So did perhaps Erasure save Aizawa’s life because Decay’s progression was reliant of Shigaraki’s continued quirk factor even after the fact of it being activated? Or was Shigaraki bluffing with Overhaul, to be more cruel? Has he learned to control his quirk with more finesse over time?  Or was it something planned by AfO, just another thing to change him from Tenko to Tomura?  Is his quirk even his own?

So in the end, who is Shigaraki Tomura? I don’t know, but I hope we’re going to learn more.

[propshophannah]

Wings & Embers analysis [2/2]

[Find part 1 here!]

POV switch to Cassian!

“One moment, he’d wanted to throttle her, then he’d read that terror on her face regarding her own past and he’d gone so murderously calm he’d scared even himself, then… then it had all stopped, the eye of a storm with them in it, and there she was.

And in those blue-gray eyes, he could see the thoughts swirling in her as if they were smoke under glass. The cunning mind at work behind that face—the one he hadn’t been able to get out of his head these week.

So he’d just… moved.”

[UGH. If they’re not mates, then idk what that means anymore.]

So, here we see Nesta rewarding him for seeing her. We also see them both giving in to this pull/draw between them.

Cassian gives us more hints that they’re mates when he tells us:

“Every instinct in his body came roaring to the surface, so violent he had to choke them with a brutal grip or else he’d find himself in his knees, begging her for a touch, for anything.”

We can assume that Nesta feels the same things. So Cassian drags his nose along her neck:

“breathing in the smell of her into his lungs, stirring his cock as it latched onto some intrinsic part of him and sank its talons deep.”

Her eyes close, a breathless sound leaves her mouth when Cassian brushes his lips to her neck. SHE PULLS HIM TO HER. His body is described as singing for more. He kissed her again. He is super aware of her heartbeat/everything about her and her reaction to him.

Then he licks her neck. And she jolts back.

My number one thought here is: TRIGGER.

“Nesta slammed into the wood paneling hard enough that he reached for her. But she was wide-eyed, livid, as she put that hand to her throat.”

To me that reads like she has some kind of aversion to being licked or being touched in that particular spot. And I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if we found out later, that Tomas had licked her when he tried to rape her. Because that’s how this read/reads to me. She was triggered by something. Maybe not Tomas, but by some incident where her neck got wet in that spot. And that trauma was the only thing strong enough to pull her out of that moment with Cassian.

Also Cassian notes that she is “livid” (meaning she went pale with rage/the blood left her face). So we could also read that as, yes, she’s so angry that the blood left her face, but also, the blood could have left her face from whatever memory she relived in that moment that made her react the ways he did. Cuz blood commonly drains from our faces when we’re scared. And Nesta hides her fear with anger. So, it’s something to consider as well.

Moving on!

Mass writes that, “Cassian beat her to the venom about to blast from that throat said, ‘Wound a bit tight these days, Nesta?’”

This is him going right back to sexual innuendo, and instigating at the same time. He is using her sexual inexperience as a way to get the upper hand. And she asks if it’s his faerie magic/a trick. Cassian laughs and says, “No. Though I’m flattered you think so.”

Again, this is Cassian using sexual inexperience against her, AND reverting right back to the cocky Night Court Commander. The same version of himself that she repeatedly told him not to use on her.

So what does Nesta do? She responds in kind.

“Nesta glowered, but let out a low, considering chuckle. ‘Well,’ she said, sliding past him and pacing for the window with smooth, calculated steps. ‘If that’s what a bastard-born Fae warrior can do, no wonder my sister has become so entangled with the High Lords.’”

Now, this is 100% Nesta in a roundabout way calling Cassian a bastard. And she takes a dig at Feyre here, too, not to dis Feyre, but because she knows it will piss Cassian off. She knows that Cassian, as a bastard-born nobody, is 100% committed to his High Lord. So by dissing Ferye in the way she did, she’s getting another dig at Cassian.

And it works. Because Cassian thinks she’s a bitch for it. But he had to think about it for a second. Because Maas writes:

“Bitch. 

Bitch for the…”

She separates the lines, and I argue here that was to emphasize how he was thinking on what she’d said. So he was mad she called him a bastard, and then he got mad when he realized she’d dragged Feyre into it. And maybe also for the fact that he didn’t immediately pick up on it. That he had to think about it.

He responds with: “Did it bother you more that you wanted it, or that it was a bastard-born nobody who made you feel such things, Nesta?”

Again using sex/her bodily reactions against her. I’d also point out, that he had repeatedly said her name in this scene when he talks to her. He’s doing that to be a dick. When we argue with people, we only sue their names when we’re being condescending/talking down to them. This is no different.

And Nesta says: “It’s been a long winter. Beggars can’t be picky, I suppose.”

And that’s not a necessarily rude comment. It’s certainly dismissive, but it’s also really honest. Because she’s not just talking about winter the season. She’s talking about since the last time she’s felt that way.

But then Cassian notes that he can see her walls going right back up, and her posture stiffening. She’s protecting herself from her statement, and by default, him. Because it was him that made her feel that way. Him who is an enemy Fae, who could never really be with her because he’s immortal and she’s not. Nesta isn’t dumb. She knows that even if she and Cassian were to admit their feelings, there would be no future for them.

For two main reasons:

Nesta is mortal, he is not

I would argue that Nesta probably knows that if she let her walls down and let him in, she would only leave him the same way her mother left her. Nesta could die from a sickness or from old age, but it would end with him being left behind, and I think that is a fate Nesta would not want for anyone because she has been greatly affected by how that happened to her.

Moving on!

So Nesta has moved to the window at this point (a tactical maneuver since Cassian would/should NOT want to be seen in their house). And Cassian is seeing her walls go up. And he’s standing there trying to figure out what the heck he even cares. And he thinks, EXACTLY, what I just argued Nesta was thinking. That she is mortal, and that eventually she will die. Except he thinks on it in terms of things getting “awkward” as she ages. Not in terms of her dying.

And that’s realistic for him, right? He doesn’t live in a world where he has to worry about people he loves dying. Not really. Not like humans do.

But then he thinks about Mor. About explaining him and Nesta to everyone and Maas writes that, “His blood chilled.”

What follows is a flashback that explains a bit about the not-a-love-triangle-love-triangle between Az, Mor, and Cassian. And the takeaway for this scene between Nesta and Cassian is that we, the reader, is left with a sense that Cassian has been punishing himself/has felt guilty about what happened and the role he played in “The Incident” since it happened.

And I’d narrow in on the line: “He’d had lovers, some for a night and some for months, and Mor had never cared, but… This woman standing before him like a pillar of steel and flame… Cassian didn’t want to tell Mor about her. About how he’d touched her neck.”

This is his problem in a nutshell. I’m not going to go into this in this post, but the takeaway is that Cassian has indicated to us that he has been playing an active, willing role, in the not-a-love-triangle-love-triangle likely because he feels he owes it to both Azriel and Mor for what he thinks he did.

So the feelings he has for Nesta (she’s more than just a lover and he knows it *cough* mates *cough*) means that no longer can Mor sit under his arm on the couch. No longer can Mor link arms with him and ask him to go to Rita’s so she won’t be there alone with Azriel. No longer can Cassian take the open seat next to Mor at the table so Azriel won’t sit there—all of those things would make Nesta think that Cassian and Mor are more than just friends and Cassian wouldn’t want Nesta to think that.

Moving on!

The last thing Nesta said was: “It’s been a long winter. Beggars can’t be picky, I suppose.”

Cassian responds with: “Since you were happy for a distraction, I’ll assume the queens haven’t been in touch and be on my way.”

Then Maas writes: “Before she managed to completely castrate him. He flicked his fingers, Rhys’s letter appearing between them. He chucked it onto a low-lying nearby table.”

That “completely castrate him” line means that how Cassian said the previous line to Nesta, was not in a nice way. That he said it in a tone that was likely in line with the arrogant/proud/”You should be so lucky” tone he’d uses earlier in the scene.

Then Cassian says: “Mail that to the queens as soon as you can.”

He orders/commands her to do that for him. Same tone of voice. And she goes right back to the “This is my house and you need me more than I need you” tone of voice.

She says: “Tell my sister and that new High Lord of hers to send someone else next time.”

She says this to hit him where she knows it’ll annoy him, just the same as he ordered her to send the letter in a tone he knew would piss her off similarly. An order for an order.

Cassian (showing his teeth): “Tell your other sister we’d rather deal with her.”

The implication here is that Nesta is a thorny bitch/an annoyance and difficult and no one wants to deal with her. Cassian is also giving her yet another order/command.

Nesta: “Elain stays out of this. The less association with your kind, the better.”

The implication here is that Cassian is acting like a brute showing his fangs in an attempt to cow Nesta, and Nesta will not be cowed. It’s also a way to say that Elain is not going to have anything to do with “your kind.” She’s implying that Cassian is lesser.

Fair fight as far as I’m concerned. That’s insult for insult.

Cassian: “‘Why are you letting her marry that bigoted prick?’ The question snapped out of him.”

*SIDE NOTE: Not to derail this post, but this is important as HELL to the story. This, along with what Rhys says to Feyre in the Summer Court about Graysen’s father/family (and if I remember correctly, Azriel says something too that indicates he knows about the father???), tells us that Rhys has been keeping tabs on Elain’s fiance, Graysen, and his dad.

And for the question to “snap out” of Cassian, shows his anger, and also show that he knows more about this man then Nesta and Elain seem to know. It’s possible, that Rhys has been keeping tabs on Feyre’s family to make sure they’re safe. Tamlin did that same thing. BUT it’s also possible (and I think likely with how much it came up in ACOMAF and with the Lucien mate bond ending, and with Elain being unwilling to leave with Feyre because of Graysen), that this is a person/family that has been on Rhys’s court’s radar for a while.

And if he’s on the radar, that means he is dangerous and a legitimate threat to Fae. And I’d argue this goes right back to the “threat above the wall” that Mr. Archeron went to a meeting/conference on. Cuz I think the Hybern king is positioning the Night Court as the “threat” and NOT all the other courts. (I think there is a good chance this is about Rhys and something he wants from Rhys.)*

Back to the scene!

Cassian: “‘Why are you letting her marry that bigoted prick?’ The question snapped out of him.”

Cassian has lost his cool when he says this. It “snapped out of him” meaning he did not think about it before he said it,a dn that he said it in a moment of anger/passion.

So the implication here is that Nesta and Cassian both know it is a bad idea for Elain to marry Graysen. YET, Cassian is saying this as if Nesta arranged the marriage. As if it’s somehow Nesta’s fault. He’s saying that by allowing the marriage, she’s a bad sister/person. AND he’s saying she’s protecting Elain from the wrong kind of monster. I want to point out, that it was Elain’s decision to marry Graysen. It’s always been her decision, not Nesta’s.

Nesta is NOT the parent. She is a child/sister. It’s not her responsibility to parent her siblings. So Cassian is putting that blame/responsibility INAPPROPRIATELY on Nesta.

ALSO, we know from Nesta’s conversation with Feyre, that she doesn’t seem to know (or is hiding) how she feels about Graysen, right? When Feyre asks Nesta if Graysen is good, Nesta responds by saying that Elain thinks he is good. And that Elain loves him like he is good. SHE NEVER says that she, herself, thinks Graysen is good. Feyre then asks her again, “...what do you think?” and Nesta talks about the dad and his crusade against the Fae and the walls he built and the money he knows Elain has to offer. But as the conversation goes on, Nesta seems to indicate that she trusts Graysen enough with Elain to not say anything to Elain against the marriage.

So I apply that information to this scene. Because I’m not ignoring the fact that there are deeply ingrained cultural biases (and a few other things) that I think inform Nesta’s responses here. (I’ll come back to this in a minute.)

Nesta: “He has good reason to hate your kind. As do we all.”

I need to know the reason! Like was he engaged to Clare Beddor? Or what?! I need these answers! But also, Nesta is implying that whatever the reason, it’s good enough to hate the Fae (and for Graysen to hunt the Fae), and that Nesta has good reasons to hate the Fae as well. And it’s all she’s got to throw at him at this point. Because…

Cassian: “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

I’d argue that Nesta, on some level, knows that she doesn’t necessarily have good reasons to hate the Fae/that her prejudice is—to some degree—bullshit. And because she never outright told Feyre whether or not she agreed with the things Graysen has done against the Fae, I think we can say that Nesta is having a crisis of conscious as she is forced to confront her deeply ingrained cultural beliefs about Fae. (She doesn’t know what to do about Graysen, and even if she did—IT’S NOT her responsibility to parent her siblings. She can give Elain advice, but at the end of the day, Elain has to be the one to make that decision. Nesta can’t make it for her.)

Nesta is smart enough to know that a lot of the human hating Fae/Fae hating humans is informed from fear and a mountain of stereotypes/generalizations made by interactions with only some Fae.

*SIDE NOTE: I think it’s safe to say that there is something else going on here. And I’m gonna reference a theory by @sarahviehmann where she talked about the idea that maybe the Archeron mom was Fae, or demi-fae, and that maybe the promise she made Feyre make to take care of the family, was actually a binding fae bargain. So if that’s true, then maybe she told Nesta to protect Elain and it too was a binding Fae bargain and that’s why Nesta is not saying anything against her marrying Graysen. Because if he and his family can protect Elain from Fae, then Nesta will have fulfilled her promise.

BUT, also, I think Nesta does not want people to leave her. I think she was traumatized a bit from her mother’s death and from her father mentally leaving them. So letting Elain marry the guy down the street, is also a way to keep her close. She isn’t far away, and since the family seems really into killing Fae then they won’t be moving away because they’re close to the wall. Just a theory/thought.

There is also evidence that suggests that Nesta wants to travel, so making sure Elain is taken care of, means she is free to leave.*

Nesta: “I thought you were leaving.”

Not a question. She’s telling him to get out of her house. They’re arguing. And it’s getting heated. And I’d argue she needs a quiet moment to process what he’s just said about her “letting” Elain marry Graysen. She can taste bullshit on her own tongue (about Graysen and his family) so she is avoiding the topic and trying to get him out.

Cassian: “You have a damned opinion on everyone else in the world. Why not tell Elain she’s marrying a monster?”

He’s got her by the balls there. But again, not his place to judge her. Not his place to argue with her about her personal family stuff. And it’s also NOT his place to impose the kind of parental responsibility over Elain that he is putting on her.

Nesta: “‘Perhaps all you males are monsters.’ If she’d been harmed by one, he didn’t blame her for that feeling at all.”

AH! The implication here is obvious. Nesta is saying that maybe all males, Cassian included, are monster. And here is the moment where Cassian thinks to himself that he can’t blame her for hating men, if one tried to hurt her.

And this is interesting for several reasons:

Maas is calling into question what it means to be a monster. I do not think Nesta would stay silent about Elain marrying a man who had sexually assaulted a woman. But I think she would stay quiet (and is) about Elain marrying a man who had helped his father kill Fae. And until Feyre was turned into a Fae, this was a bias neither Nesta nor Elain had to confront. Fae were dangerous and “other” to them. But now that their sister is Fae, and she isn’t out to harm them, they have to renegotiate all of their deeply ingrained cultural beliefs.

This whole scene is calling into question Elain’s agency. She’s not stupid. She’s certainly seems to be able to let a lot go/ignores stuff to the point that I think Elain is NOT okay inside (cough*Lucien*cough). But if Graysen is a monster, Elain is closest to him. She should be able to see it. So why is she ignoring it? And, more importantly, why is it somehow Nesta’s fault?

(This is more a personal observation) But basically, what Cassian is showing us, is that what he is able of wrapping his brain around/justifying, his heavily informed by his draw to/want of Nesta. Because he can’t let go of the fact that Nesta hasn’t said anything to Elain about marrying a “Fae-hunting prick,” BUT he can let go of the fact that Nesta can hate all human men because one human man (Tomas) tried to rape her. That doesn’t add up, right? The Fae kidnap and murder Clare Beddor, but Nesta can’t deduce that all Fae are bad because of that? While at the same time, one human male tried to hurt her, and Cassian can justify her hating all human men. I get that those two things are very different, and that I have dumbed down this argument to make it look simple when it not. But basically, I think this illustrates how bad Cassian has it for Nesta. She can hate everyone, but she can’t hate fae, because he’s fae (and Feyre) and he NEEDS Nesta to like him. LOL

Moving on!

Cassian: (words sharp) “She deserves better than someone like that.”

To me, this is Cassian saying that Elain deserves someone better than a man who will hunt down her sister (Feyre). But it also reads like maybe, maaaaaaybe, we could say that Cassian is also implying that, “Nesta, you deserve someone better than a monster like Tomas.”

I would also argue that this is a moment where Cassian is kind of laying himself on the line for Nesta. He’s showing her (unintentionally) that he is the kind of guy who cares too much. The kind of guy Nesta wants. BUT He has ZERO business talking to Nesta about this stuff, right? It’s private and personal and none of his damn concern. But again, Cassian cares about Nesta and by default her sister. And he is just that guy.

But again, we, as readers, know that about him. We can’t assume that Nesta has seen enough of him to draw that conclusion. And it’s still not appropriate. He doesn’t know her. She doesn’t know him. And if there is a bigger reason to why Nesta hasn’t said anything against Graysen, then I bet when we find it out, this conversation will make him look like more of a busybody.

Nesta: (cold and flat) “Indeed she does.”

She’s being dismissive of him and his feelings/concern.

Cassian: “He pushed, simple because he damn well couldn’t stop himself, ‘And what do you deserve?’”

He’s acknowledging that he’s pushing Nesta. So anything that happens as a result of that pushing is fair game as far as I’m concerned. And the “damn well couldn’t stop himself” part makes me think he said it in a way that implied he was trying to goad her but was also being somewhat serious with the question. So to me, this goes back to the arrogant brute who was coming on to her in the beginning of the scene. Her reaction affirms that to me also.

Nesta: “A slow smile, indeed a plains-cat readying for the kill. Then, ‘Certainly more than a bastard-born nobody.’”

She gets her dig in the same place she knew it hurt the arrogant brute version of Cassian before. And it works because he thinks she’s a bitch for saying it. She’s also dismissing any shred of actual concern that may have motivated his question.

Cassian: (drawls) “What a fine partner you are, Nesta. Remind me to bring a book on military strategy the next time. Maybe you’ll stand a chance then.”

This line only reaffirms to me the manner in which he asked Nesta what she deserved because he’s acknowledging that he took her response as calculated retaliation against the way he’d asked his question.

And he’s NOT being nice when he says this. He is implying several things. A few of which are: Nesta, you’re a thorny bitch who deserves herself; Your walls are so high I’m surprised you can even see me right now; You’re going to die alone and unloved; No really, you’re going to die alone in the human lands let me bring you a book on military strategy so when this war comes you can help yourself.

Nesta responds by giving him, “A cold, flat look.”

Cassian continues: “‘It’s easier isn’t it,’ Cassian breathed, crossing the distance again, not caring who saw them standing in the bay window. ‘To wield the words and the coldness as armor to keep everyone from seeing where and who you failed and how you did not care until it was too late.’”

And in a NUTSHELL, Cassian has done the ONE thing Nesta told us at the beginning of the scene that she feared he would do. That he would tell everyone what he saw beneath the armor she keeps around herself. This is what Nesta feared the most about Cassian. He’s the one person who can see who she truly is (MATES!), and he did the ONE THING she feared he would.

NOW, I would 100% argue, that just as Nesta found the words that would hurt Cassian the most (bastard-born), so, too, did Cassian find the words that would hurt Nesta the most. We know that it was NOT Nesta’s responsibility to be the parent. She was a kid when they became poor, and is as much as a victim as Elain and Feyre are. We have to be careful not to shift the blame away from the perpetrator, Mr. Archeron, and onto his victims. BUT, I think Nesta carries that guilt, because she realized when Feyre was taken, that she had become just like her father. That she had sat on her ass (just like him) and hated him and was content to watch them starve because it was his fault her mother died.

And Nesta changed. The father did not. Nesta realized that she had become the person whom she hates the MOST in the entire world. And when she say Feyre get taken, another person leaving her (while Mr. Archeron did nothing), she changed and did something about it.

But that guilt is still haunting her. And Cassian sees that Nesta was broken and angry and all this other background shit she’s been hiding and smothering and not dealing with—BUT, just like Nesta, Cassian chooses the information he knows will hurt her most.

What Cassian says is the Nesta equivalent of her calling him a bastard-born nobody.

And it’s fair game. He also crosses the room to stand in front of her—once again taking her space. Not cool, Cassian.

(I also don’t need to explain that him standing in front of the window WAS STUPID. And it could be the ONE THING, that screwed them. We know Ianthe gave the sister’s location away to the Hybern king, but how much you wanna bet, someone saw Cassian in that window and that it will come back to bite him in the ass?)

“Only hatred gleamed in her eyes, no hint of that slumbering lust that had addled his senses. ‘Well, I see it, Nesta Archeron. And all I see is a bored and spoiled girl—”

He knows his words are working. That he is hurting her exactly as he planned to do because he sees the hate in her eyes. And he chooses to keep talking. This whole scene—he doesn’t know when to stop.

And this is fair game. I’m not gonna get mad at Cassian for this anymore than I’m going to get mad at Nesta for the same thing. But that’s the POINT. He’s doing the same thing she has been doing and he has been all along.

And Nesta responds by trying to kick him in the balls.

Fair game as far as I’m concerned. He’s up in her face, revealing all of her secrets, the ones he knows she’s been hiding from everyone. He has her backed into a corner. I’m not saying that putting your hands on someone is ever okay. But, I will say, that for females, there are situations where putting your hands on a guy for nothing more than not yielding your space, is justified.

Cassian grabs her knee, “and squeezed tight enough to make her hiss.”  

Eek. This. 

I don’t believe I’ve said this in this post yet. But I am a pretty forgiving reader. I can let a lot go if I feel an author has adequately explained justifications for behavior. I get that Fae (in ACOTAR and ToG) are more animal than human, and are therefore prone to acting as territorial as my dog. And usually—usually—toxic masculinity is something I can let go to a certain extent in Maas’s novels because I understand that they do not take place in the real world. And the “world divide” is one of my lines. Because I don’t feel as if she’s asking me to apply this logic to men in the 21st century on planet Earth. If this were Twilight, I would be writing something very different about this action right now. BUT, this is not Twilight, and this takes place in a fake world, with not-human characters… 

That being said, Cassian squeezing Nesta’s leg tight enough to make her hiss—she hasn’t kicked him in the balls yet—rubs a line for me.

Cassian: “‘Cheap shot,’ he said with a half smile. ‘Come play with me, Nesta, and I’ll teach you far more interesting ways to bring a male to his knees.’”

Again with the using her sexual inexperience against her. As if he, a male, can teach her about how her body works better than she can. He’s using sex/her sexuality against her and he’s (in a way) dumbing her down to the sum of her sexuality/sexual experiences. WHILE he’s gripping her knee tightly enough to hurt.

He’s also, admittedly, still trying to woo her. His inability to leave her and just walk away is getting in front of him. He has it so bad for her. NOT an excuse for his behavior, but honestly, when I read this scene and got to this part, I honestly thought they might hate fuck. For a second. I did. And if you’ve never been just as angry as you were turned on by someone, I don’t know how else to explain it than to say hate fuck. Maybe someone who reads this can explain it better than that.

Nesta tries to wrench free. Cassian doesn’t let go. She loses her balance and then Cassian catches her by the waist, “hauling her closer to keep her from falling through the window.”

He has her in a really compromising position. He’s got one hand wrapped around her thigh, the other around her back, and he’s holding her to him.

“He snickered at the skirts around him. ‘What are you hiding beneath all this, anyways?’”

Again with the sexual conversation, Cassian. He is a huge male, he has just insulted a woman (who told us in the beginning of the scene that her biggest fear with Cassian is the fact that he can see through her walls) by using her worst fears against her. She tried to kick him in the balls, he caught her leg—gripping it hard enough to hurt—then she lost balance and he put his other hand on her and pulled her up against him. THEN he started talking about her sexuality/body parts etc.

NOT. OKAY. He is using his size against her again. He’s using sex and her lack of experience against her again. He’s kind of hitting on her, in a weird/gross way. And we all know and love Cassian, so it’s hard for us to understand how this would come across to Nesta, a complete stranger. But think of it this way: If this is how he interacted with Feyre the first time they were alone (and she was human), people would be in a RAGE.

But also Cassian is an idiot because he thinks he has Nesta by the balls. And do definitely does not.

Nesta: (finally gets free from him) “Get out of my house.”

FAIR. I would have been way meaner.

“Cassian simply grinned at her.”

Wrong move, buddy. But Cassian has got blinders on that only focus on Nesta and his need for her. What an IDIOT.

“She surged for him. He thought she’d strangle him, which was precisely why he gripped her wrists, but—Her hands, cool and steady, landed on either side of his face. Tugged his head down.”

Hey Cassian, remember that time you told Nesta that she should come play with you because you could teach her “far more interesting ways” to bring a dude to his knees?? Maybe you should have spent less time thinking about sex and how you were going to mansplain her methods and paid more attention.

Cassian’s mind immediately goes to his need for Nesta. She makes sure to look at his mouth, he sees and thinks this is going to be his lucky day. Nesta presses her body to his (she takes back the space he took from her). Cassian can’t stop thinking about her boobs. He KNOWS it’s stupid of him, but he can’t help it. He is 100% ready to kiss her when she raises up on her does, gets her mouth close to his—BAMB. She knees him in the balls.

Hey Cassian, do you remember now when you implied Nesta should use her sexuality to “bring a man to his knees” and that you—in all your infinite wisdom—could show her how? Yeeeeeah. How did that work out for you buddy?

And this is truly the best part of this scene, because Cassian falls back into an armchair and Maas SPECIFICALLY TELLS US that Nesta (for the first time in the scene) looks down on him. And that to me (a nerd of visual culture) is hella important. Because visually, and physically, she has the power in the scene. This is the first time she’s had all the power in such a way. She commands the space, she has the height (he has to look up at her, she down on him), and she pretty effectively got the point across that she will NOT be cowed by an arrogant brute and ordered her around her own house. Nor will she allow him to own her in any way in her own house, or without her say.

(This is also HILARIOUS, because Cassian began this scene, telling Nesta that he commanded Rhys’s important armies. Well, Nesta just owned him. And if that’s not an argument for mates, then idk what is. They’re equals, and she just let him know that the playing field is level.)

She tells him men are all the same and that maybe being immortal makes him predictable. Cassian gasps out an angry “You.” Nesta gives a low laugh and says that the queens haven’t sent word, but she’ll mail the letter. She moves to the door and pauses with her hand on the knob. She tells him he knows nothing about who she is or what she’s done, or what she wants. She tells him not to come back. Then she leaves like a boss, and Cassian jumps out the window kind of like a pigeon in the chimney.

And he feels her eyes on him the whole way home.

So, to recap my thoughts on this scene: This was a fair fight all the way through. I would even argue that Nesta being able to bring Cassian literally to his knees (or ass) is also a great argument for them being mates. We know mates are equal in some ways, and she proved she was his equal here. She was pretty justified in kicking him in the balls in my opinion. 

He came into her house, tried to cow her, she is allowed to let him know to back off her. And when he doesn’t listen, she’s allowed to take cheap shots. And he takes cheap shots at her. Cassian instigated most, if not all, of this scene in my opinion.

And almost everything she gives him, is a reaction to what he threw out first. And at the end of their conversation, when he is telling her who she is/who he sees beneath the armor—he is choosing the “bastard-born” equivalents on purpose to hurt her. Which is totally fair game. Then he gets his hands on her (in her own bedroom. The bedroom of a woman who has been sexually assaulted/the victim of an attempted sexual assault) and he makes some sexually suggestive comments…

My parents would be high-fiving me if I kicked a man in the balls for doing the things Cassian did to Nesta. She told him to leave. He didn’t. Then when he thought he was going to finally get what he wanted, she kicked him in the balls. And that was a message he understood.

And I think a part of her, on some level, wanted to hurt him for what he said about her. We can’t denying that that’s another layer to the scene. And I think her temper could be argued to have influenced her decision to kick him in the balls. But again Cassian wasn’t listening to her verbalizations of “get the fuck out of my house.” But he did did listen to her physical verbalization of “get the fuck out of my house.” And sometimes there are situations where people are justified when they put their hands on another person. 

I probably wouldn’t have kicked Cassian in the balls to hurt him for saying things to me that I didn’t want to hear. But I’d have done it if he repeatedly got in my face, if he repeatedly ordered me around in my own home, if he repeatedly tried to act as if I was an object to be flirted with, or with whom favor could be won by flaunting his status and wings. And I probably would have done it if he put his hands on me and made sexual innuendos and didn’t let me go when I made it clear he needed to let me go. Hell yeah. I’d have kicked him in the balls. And causing him physical pain would’ve probably been an added bonus.

Cassian is an adorable baby bat, but a lot of his actions in this scene are not cool. They’re hyper masculine. And he’s blinded by his need for Nesta (Mates!) that he can’t see himself or his actions clearly (not an excuse, but I get it). And I think the power struggle between them also falls in this weird area of hate fucking. And again, I don’t know how to explain what that feels like other than to say that you can be equally enraged with someone as you are turned on by someone. And it can really change your behavior.

[elegant-etienne]

Meeting the Family - Pt 1: An Awkward Morning in the Brume

On the last day of their honeymoon, Etienne and Sizha traveled to Ishgard. Co-written with @sizhatonaz , naturally.

Behind the cut: Prostitution and implications of sexual violence, general adult themes.

It isn’t just the cold of Ishgard that makes Etienne stiffen. It’s a strange sort of calm, like an old coat, shapeless and so familiar he pulls it on without a second thought. Etienne always walks tall, with confidence, with an impassive, impenetrable expression. But it’s more forced here, and there is an urgency to his steps that suggests he wants to run, or stop and curl into himself. Today all these nervous habits are more pronounced. He squeezes a gloved hand into Sizha’s, but pulls it away before they reach the Brume. If there are comments about them, he would feel honor-bound to reply for the sake of his husband, and that is not the reason they are here. Perhaps it is cowardly to hide, but sometimes that is the best tactical decision.

Etienne murmurs, “Stay close,” as he guides Sizha through the catacomb-like alleys of the innermost Brume. Etienne debated whether or not to take Sizha here at all, but he decided he wanted to introduce his husband to his family. He cannot deny that this is part of it, too. He ducks around the back of a rather gaudy establishment, knocking on the kitchen door to be greeted by a dingy, greasy hyur lad missing a few teeth.

“Is Bernadine in?” Etienne asks politely.

“’Course she is,” the hyur lad snorts, opening the door to let them inside. “Come in, it’s fuckin’ freezin’ out there.”

“As always. Thank you, Alex, ‘tis appreciated.” Etienne slips a few gold pieces into the pocket of the boy’s apron, and Alex rolls his eyes. He’s not particularly impressed with the airs Etienne puts on, but he is at least polite enough not to point it out. Just not polite enough not to react at all.

Alex leads them into a parlor that is an almost violent shade of green. There is an air of finery about it, the cheaper furniture built as if in mockery of the noble, Alpine tastes of the upper class. There’s even a chandelier, dusty and in need of a polish. Squint, and it can be mistaken for a real parlor – so long as you ignore all of the sexually explicit tapestries about. “I’ll go get her,” Alex says, turning to leave.

“Wait, Alex – this is my husband, Sizha’to.”

“You’re bringin’ your husband ‘round to a place like this? Cor.”

Sizha didn't seem to understand the word but he was aware of what sort of place this was. It had been passed without his knowledge for quite some time on his recent trips but now was inevitably at his feet. He knew it would be coming eventually and the attempt was made to prepare himself for whatever ire it might attract. This man he now called his husband was his focus so he stood by his side with his ears trained to the hyur called "Alex". In his mind this wasn't the right time to reply just yet but he waited a little longer.

“It’s our honeymoon,” Etienne says drily. “I’m supposed to show him new and exciting things. Be well, Alex, I don’t when or if I’ll be back. I know you’re going to tell everyone else about me – so at least tell them I married well, a doctor.”

Alex waves Etienne off as he leaves. “An outsider, mi’qote doctor, but a good lookin’ one,” he says, closing the door behind him. Etienne is quiet a moment, staring down his hands in his lap.

It’s early morning, so most of the bustle in the brothel is the workers waking, bathing, preparing for the day. Etienne can picture it all with perfect clarity, including Alex shuffling to Bernadine’s tiny office, and then back to the kitchen to finish preparing breakfast.

“Were we clients, they’d trot people out in front of you, and Bernadine would introduce each of us to you. Each of them.” Etienne self-corrects. “This is the nicest room in the house, so she takes guests in here too. Provided they’re not the easily-offended sort.

"Offended by what....?" Sizha's being polite but it's partially true that he doesn't know what. The decor is dusty, just nice enough for an illusion but his eyes haven't seen too many things like this. The difference between true gilded furnishings and fake aren't clear to him since it all looks the same. It's the emotion that changes. He hangs onto Etiennes words, resisting the urge to take his hand. He's aware that he wouldn't be comfortable with it here.

“Take a look at the tapestries,” Etienne says with a hint of amusement. And then, less than a breath later – “Actually, don’t. Look at the floor. And don’t think about how the flowers look like—”

Bernadine, fortunately, rescues them before Etienne can describe what he thinks the pattern on the rug looks like. She is a formidable elezen woman, millioncorn-silk hair piled high on her head. She dresses in the most severe of Ishgardian fashions, in charcoal grays as cold as the night sky.

“Etienne,” she says pleasantly. Her smile and her voice are much warmer than her overall demeanor would suggest. “It’s been some time.”

“Sizha’to, this is Bernadine. We grew up here together. She actually took over after her grandmother passed a few years ago. Bernadine… this is my husband, Sizha’to. He is a senior medic at Aethertide Ventures, our free company.”

Sizha was trying to withhold the growing blush before he cleared his throat politely and promptly bows to her in respect.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, miss."

A short glance at the woman's face helped Sizha read what he could of her...at least in her features, eyes, demeanor. He himself remained calm despite the many subtle, not so subtly overt subjects around him, not entirely up his road either.

Her dress. Yes. Her dress was nice.

Bernadine doesn’t hide the fact she’s clearly sizing Sizha’to up. She offers a handshake just the same. Her grip is firm but not threatening.

“I can’t say I imagined this would be the result with Etienne left, but congratulations, nonetheless.” She says smoothly as she withdraws her hand. She looks to Etienne. “So you’re really not planning to return.”

“No, Bernadine.”

“We will miss you.”

“I hate to be a bother now,” Etienne asks, “But I know you’ve been trying to sort through your grandmother’s records? Was there truly nothing about my birth mother among them?”

Bernadine gives Etienne’s shoulder a pat. “I’ll write you if ever I do find anything. I know neither my grandmother nor mother seemed to know the truth when I asked them. Halone watch over them both.” She turns to Sizha. “Well, Sizha’to, is there anything embarrassing you’d like to ask me about what Etienne was like before you met him? We grew up running around these halls and getting into trouble.” She shakes her head, chuckling at the memory.

Sizha seemed to be sort of expecting that reply from her but he wonders who she did see Etienne leaving with. That thought steals him long enough to make him pause before answering. "I...think I'm terrible at coming up with embarrassing questions. At least, on the spot." His eyes darted up the the ceiling and wandered along the frames before he returned to Bernadine. "What was it like growing up with him..?"

“Etienne was such a sweetheart when he was little. He loved to put on little shows, where he’d dance and sing and wear his mother’s dresses! By the time he was nine, he was the one everyone counted on to do their makeup perfectly.”

Etienne is suitably embarrassed, looking away and covering his face with gloved hands. “That’s right, everyone would line up in the morning after baths to have me do their makeup. And their hair.”

“Right!” Bernadine laughs. “And when we’d play Knights and Ladies, he wanted to be the Lady and always made me be the knight.”

“You were a lady knight!” Etienne replies, scandalized, the color high in his cheeks.

“He used to talk a lot about how he was going to win over a fine lord - one of the Fortemps, I think? I know they had a few sons your age...”

“Shut up! I was a child!” Etienne covers his face again, his protests muffled.

"......" Sizha is looking at Etienne a bit, trying to hold back a chuckle. But his reaction is more or less subdued by Etiennes clear embarrassment/fluster. And not the good kind. "I see what you meant then....." He would turn to the woman and smile as he pressed his glasses back up his nose from staring down at Etienne..something he could only do if he was standing while Etienne was sitting and even then it was chancy. "I am certainly not of noble blood, nor a lord."

Etienne had thrown himself back on the couch after the introductions - he’s just that embarrassed. He looks up at Sizha, shaking his head a little. He wants to reach out and put his hands on Sizha’s hips, and hide his face against his chest, but even as dear as Bernadine is to him he won’t allow himself to do it in her sight. “No, you certainly are not,” Etienne says with a shake of his head. To Bernadine he says, “I am thoroughly mortified, thank you, Bernadine.”

“Did you want me to send anyone down? I think it would be fair to offer you half-price as a wedding present.” Bernadine’s offer seems to be a sincere one.

“Sizha’to doesn’t do that kind of thing,” Etienne says firmly.

“Oh? Then however did you two meet?”

Sizha blinks. It was strange to think back on it now from this point. It seemed like a dream rather than something that happened but that was true for several memories before a certain point. His ears twitched. "It was at the Quicksand in Uldah, actually. A...hm..an infamous bar. I worked in that city as a doctor before I met Etienne. I had settled there for a time after I decided to take a break from my exploratory research and actually put my knowledge to use. Ah....but even then...." His cheeks colored, eyes wandering over her posture and then her eyes. "I was terribly shy to talk. I could hardly muster the courage to speak but...if anyone needed medication or assistance, I found myself empowered, even if it was briefly." His tail brushed against Etienne's leg affectionately with a subtle purr. "Etienne...saw that I was trying to make friends...or conversation but I had trouble actually being comfortable doing so. It wasn't that I didn't want to. But he protected me from others....brought me food and crumpets. He was patient with getting me to open. " There was a soft huff, fingers tracing the ring at his hand. ".....I was smitten on first sight, to be honest.....but he was so earnest and endearing..." His face is now graced in a warm smile as he finds the memory comforting himself. "Heh..."

“At first sight? Really?” Etienne’s voice climbs an octave and he quickly covers his face again. “I think you’ve omitted that detail in the past, my dear...” Usually, he’s the one who tells the story, emphasizing the crumpets. He hadn’t thought much of the other things, drawing conversation out of Sizha and telling off unpleasant customers.

Bernadine chuckles. There’s no mockery about it, though perhaps her a little of her own bittersweet nostalgia colors some of her delight. “I don’t think I’ve seen you smile since you were little,” she says, “He is clearly a good choice.”

Sizha has no idea how else to reply so he simply bows in response. He's truly touched, believing that if they truly think him worthy that he's at least doing something along the lines of right.

Bernadine offers a small bow in reply to Sizha. “Oh, Carmellia had her baby!” she says to Etienne. “Just last week. You should go see them. They’re up in her room.”

“So she decided to keep the child after all,” Etienne says, “Well, I’d love to see them.” He stands, brushing a hand briefly over Sizha’s hip as he heads toward the door.

As Etienne leaves, Bernadine clears his throat and says, “A moment, Sizha’to?”

Ears, perking forward and then back, his eyes shift from Etienne to Bernadine. "Of course." He replies gently.

“I am happy for the two for you,” Bernadine says quietly. “Etienne wasn’t happy here. He seems happy now, like before. So thank you for that.” She smooths her hands down her skirt and frowns.

“But... can you protect him? He’s fragile, more so than he behaves. And sometimes people still come around asking for him.”

Sizhas eyes remained soft but the gaze in them was something serious. "You have my word that my power will be vested in his well being. I've made my declarations before the Twelve and I shall use their blessing in my work. He will have my support no matter what."

Bernadine is quiet a moment, trying to decide if she should say more. “Make sure he doesn’t come back here,” she finally says. “I don’t think - I don’t think it would be good for him. Look after him well. I do appreciate that you were willing to come here and see this. I don’t imagine it’s easy to know that your husband has been with hundreds of clients.”

"......I don't hold any of it against him. But there is a space reserved for those who wished or did harm to him." He messes with a sleeve as he speaks. "...That judgment isn't mine to make but I won't let it happen again. I've taken his name and I will bear what comes with it with no shame. I'll help him build what he wants, what he needs. If he has been with hundreds, I'll prove why I am the last." The final sentence was spoken calmly and without malice yet it was as firm stone, eyes sharpened to a nearly predatory gaze. It wasn't meant for her of course, constantly in the back of his mind in a corner tucked away. An assurance.

Bernadine smiles faintly and would reach forward to give Sizha’s shoulder a pat. Whatever she was looking for in an answer, Sizha seems to have provided it. “A mi’qote Clairemont? Now that is something I never thought I would hear of. I think you will make a fine husband, Doctor Clairemont.” Bernadine chuckles. “Carmellia’s room is up the stairway, second door to the right.”

Sizha would bow to her politely, offering a warm smile. "May you be blessed by the Twelve in safety and in health." It was an honest wish and spoken with intent. He turned to the direction he saw Etienne take and follows it, musing over how he liked "Doctor Clairemont.” It held a ring to it.

The room is a humble one with a cot and an old, scuffed crib. A small brazier is set in the corner nearest to the bed. The room is full of soft murmurs and gentle words, as Etienne sits on the bed with another elezen woman. Carmellia is dark-haired and pale, seeming even more in contrast to Etienne than Bernadine had been. Etienne holds the child with reverent care, softly cooing.

“Have you decided on a name for him?”

“Matthieu Alexandre.”

“Alexandre... After his father?”

Carmellia shakes her head. “It’s quite lucky for him, actually, his father is a noble. He looks full-blood. Perhaps someday he’ll become a knight.”

Etienne touches the baby’s slightly-pointed ear. “Perhaps.”

Carmellia stands up when she sees Sizha enter, a little bit surprised. “He is your husband?”

“What did you think, with a name like Sizha’to?”

“A mi’qote doctor... Well, how rude am I! I am Carmellia, and if your husband would ever give him up, this is my son, Matthieu. Etienne has been a brother and sister to me both for many years! We are all so happy for him.”

Carmellia would immediately close in for a hug.

Sizha would be open for the embrace since she felt inclined to. He did seem a little surprised, though. "Oh...its a pleasure to meet you and your family, Miss Carmellia." His eyes wander to Etienne in amusement. "He seems smitten with the little child...."

Carmellia’s hug is warm and sincere. She smells of roses and milk.

“Haven’t you ever seen him care for a child? He’d always volunteer to look after the little ones, there are usually a few around... well, before he started drinking too much, that is.” Realizing her misstep, Carmellia clears her throat awkwardly, weaving her fingers in front of herself and rocking ball-to-heel on her feet. “Even then, he wasn’t the sort to yell and be in poor temperament - and I’ll always remember how he helped me out when I first started working here! He made sure I wasn’t too scared and helped me with my makeup. He found out that the old madam was ripping me off and told her off, even! I think I heard that slap throughout the whole house!”

Etienne doesn’t appear to be paying attention, as he is playing with the infant’s tiny fingers. He pipes up, “I got you that raise though. And... Bernadine treats everyone much better, doesn’t she?” He watches Carmellia quite carefully when he asks this.

“She does. But honestly, sometimes she still talks about how you’d have been a better fit for the work.”

Etienne snorts quietly. “She’s making me sound much better than I was, dear.” Etienne warns Sizha. “Time must have faded all her memories of holding back my hair while I lost my guts in the privy.”

Carmellia tsks, “We all have our bad days. I do wish you’d been here to brew some of that ginger tea you gave me last time you visited... Oh, Sizha’to, would you like to hold Matthieu?”

"Hm...?" His ears perk forward at the mention of holding the young child and he recounts how many times he's done so. It's actually a rare thing for him as most of the time he deals in surgeries and the like...but not midwifing or delivery. "Oh..I....well, I wouldn't mind....sure." He swallows a little, slightly embarrassed.

Etienne reluctantly hands the baby over, stroking his tiny head. He uses the same baby-speak he tries so hard not to use on Velvet.  “Say hello to my husband, Matthieu. Now the most handsome men in the room can be together. I’m absolutely smitten, yes I am.”

Matthieu seems more interested in the twitch of Sizha’s ears than anything else.

“Is he gaining weight alright?” Etienne asks Carmellia. “Are you alright feeding him? I’ll give you a linkpearl, if you ever need anything, a good healer, we could--”

“No!” Carmellia says with so much emphasis it seems almost like a shout, though she keeps her voice low so as not to upset Matthieu. “You shouldn’t come here anymore after this, Etienne. If you’d written ahead, I would have told you not to.”

“Why not? I wanted to share the happy news, and show Sizha’to where I came from.”

“Bernadine didn’t say anything to you?” Carmellia twists her fingers in front of her nervously.

"......" Sizha remained silent for the moment as he played with the little baby and was momentarily distracted by the pure innocence it had. His ears slowly moved from front to the side and back again, sometimes tilting his head to flick an ear against the babys cheek to see how Matthieu would react.

Matthieu seems to be able to focus on the movement of the ears, dark eyes following curious and alert. For the time being, he seems more interested in the soft touch to his cheek than the rising tension in the room. And when Sizha wiggles his ears, he blinks and strains - perhaps wondering why he cannot mimic the moment.

“Someone’s been by looking for you, someone Bernadine didn’t like. She kicked him out, actually, and things got bad. Alex and the new guy had to step in. The new guy’s a big one, and he wasn’t cowed. He laughed.”

“Did you get a look at him?”

Carmellia shakes her head. “I heard it all in the next room. It sounded dangerous, so I stayed away.”

Etienne sits down on the bed, folding his arms over his chest. “You did as I taught you, Carmellia. I’m glad of it.” He falls silent.

Matthieu begins smacking his lips and pawing at Sizha’s chest, looking expectant.

Sizha was listening to them but he leaned to the elezen babies cheek and planted a soft kiss. He was hit with so many wishes all of a sudden, looking into the babies eyes and very tiny gestures. It was a moment later that he realized he had nearly teared up from it.

Matthieu tries to latch onto Sizha, pawing at his collar and shirt and trying to crawl onto him.

“Look at those two,” Carmellia murmurs, “Matthieu likes him so well he’s trying to nurse.”

“That is not among his talents,” Etienne says a bit snidely, “I’ve checked.”

Carmellia slaps him lightly on the arm and goes to retrieve her baby. She settles in a rocking chair in the corner of the room, unbuttoning her shirt and positioning Matthieu so he can comfortably latch and take his meal.

“It is nice to see them getting along,” Etienne sighs. “I won’t ask you anything more, it wouldn’t do to give little Matthieu a stomach ache.”

Sizha, now free, moved to Etienne's side and stood there, politely looking away from Carmellia. "....."

“It was good seeing you both.” Etienne has no compunction about approaching Carmellia while she’s breastfeeding. He gives Matthieu’s head a little pat and squeezes Carmellia’s shoulder.

“It’s so good to see you so well, Etienne. I’m sorry you had to hear it from me, but Bernadine said she was going to try and convince you not to return.”

Etienne glances to Sizha, recalling now that Bernadine pulled him aside. At the time, he thought little of it, assuming Bernadine had just wanted to congratulate him, or warn him off mistreating Etienne.

“I’ll respect everyone’s wishes. I won’t come back. I shouldn’t linger on the past now that I’m married anyway.” Etienne cannot quite cover his grief, even as he tries to sound assuring. “Let’s go, Sizha.”

He heads for the door.

Sizha took the cue to follow him and was at his side within moments, bowing to Carmellia. "It was a pleasure to meet you. May you be blessed in health and wellness....both of you." His eyes fell upon the child.

Matthieu is in the land of baby bliss, contentedly sucking away.

“Halone guide your steps and lend you strength,” Carmellia murmurs.

Etienne leads Sizha out into the hallway, and back downstairs toward the kitchen where they came in. Alex hunkered down over an old black stove, whistling tunelessly as he flips sausages over in a pan. “You two stayin’? I made a little extra.”

“Who’s come for me, Alex? Who did Bernadine throw out?”

“That look in your eyes makes me think you already know,” Alex says with a shrug. “You know we don’t hold well with men who rough up the courtesans. And he--”

Alex looks at Sizha’to, then to Etienne. Etienne doesn’t catch the glance, though, just staring at the flames starting to lick up the pan.

Sizha is as quiet as ever when he's observant, catching the look Etienne isn't giving. "....." Questions would be pressed if it weren't for that.

Alex shifts uncomfortably. “Look, this ain’t my strong suit. Usually, when girls get married, they don’t bring their husbands and wives around. They wanna move on. They wanna pretend this was never part of ‘em.”

Etienne takes a long breath through his nose, and says, “Careful of your sausages. They’re burning.”

Etienne takes Sizha by the hand and marches for the door. The stove flares up briefly before the flames retreat. Etienne closes the door behind them, closing his eyes a long moment. “You’ve been a good sport about this,” he says. “Do you want to go home?”

"....I want to help you. But you need a different space right now. I think home will be best." He finally stated.

“After we go see Mother and Margeaux,” Etienne insists. “I want to introduce you to them.” Even as he hears his voice, he knows it is silly: his own faith states that they’re not there, only their corpses. But it feels more important than it did even a few more hours ago. Etienne’s chest aches and he wants to curl up with his mother like he used to. Like he never will. “We wouldn’t have to stay long,” he amends, and by the end, it’s less of a demand and more of a plea. “Please?”

He hasn’t let go of Sizha’s hand.

"...I wouldn't deny it, Etie." He responds gently, squeezing his hand back.

Etienne nods. This time he doesn’t think twice about holding Sizha’s hand. He needs that point of connection more than he needs the peace being separate might bring them.

Snow leaves cold kisses on their clothes and in their hair, and sometimes even on their faces. Etienne doesn’t feel the cold now, he only feels the cobblestone under his boots and the heavy beating of his heart.