#Anyways i think i got the date right if not ill delete my account and disappear into the woods never to be seen again

[cherrirui-official]

Birth

@saltydkart-reblogs @sanctoklinge

[aeslandsong]

i'm going to try and eat a clean diet for the rest of my life, take part in cleanses, detoxes, drink a good amount of water everyday, and exercise. no more caffeine, it makes me cry because i'm sensitive to it now. i'm happier with golden milk blend, which has anti-cancer properties and it benefits your skin. hopefully i can find a better support system with like minded people that got sick of drugs, even marijuana, and will support me. it all made me so sick and i took out my delusions online because i literally thought certain things were happening to me, sounding like a complete idiotic piece of shit and damaging reputations. hopefully people just rejected what i said by seeing that i was insane and ignored the slander that i created by being delusional. i'm better than my past in this moment and i need to continue to know that my life is limited and i cannot handle what other people can. i have to start believing it 100% and move on. i also have to stop missing people that have been ignoring and avoiding me that i used to be close to. it's hard though, i'm always going to have a heart for my past, before i had a psychotic break and was actually a popular, beautiful girl. maybe i can find a group of friends again. i know i am capable of being my best self and treating others with respect over thinking they were persecuting me. i have led a long life of being delusional and it exasperated by not taking care of myself. i'm done being fucked up towards people that do not give a shit about me nor want anything to do with me. but there are people out there that do want to get to know me, be a support system and have love for me and i just need to remember that when i feel alone. maybe i can make more friends on tumblr too. maybe people will want to talk to me again seeing that i'm actually putting effort into myself. i'm over being embarrassed by my past, i think that means i'm maturing or reaching another stage of my life instead of having certain obsessions. if anyone has connections to people in popular social media and can help me delete accounts that i can't access anymore, please help me. it would lift a lot of paranoia and stress from my body, soul and mind. and it'd be a miracle if anyone looked out for me like that. i know it's keeping me from getting a worthwhile job and i know i can't even sign up for onlyfans because of my social media. i don't really know if i want to join anyway but i know i'd have fun posting pics of my outfits and doing suggestive photos and videos because it's a form of entertainment to me and i had been doing it for so long. i'm still nice to look at and i know i attract others, which is a blessing and a curse. i wish i could attract the right people, and i need to change my life for that. i need to try and be more social with the right crowd. i know i can find a honey if i present myself well. i'm done being a disappointment and form to mock instead of wanting to engage with me. i miss a lot of people from my past, even the people i just had moments with because they were special to me. i hope i can still find my soul mate one day. i'm still a lovable, cute person, even more so than when i was younger. i'm very polite now and i'm following rules. i am well liked by others, but none of them are material for dating, they're my peers at the program and it's not just a rehab, that's a small portion. it's a day program for the mentally ill. i need someone stable and someone that wants to try with me. i hope if i do fall in love, i can keep it together. i want to feel infatuated again with someone but in a stable way. i want to be able to be someone that they want to take care of and be there for. i need someone light hearted that can laugh at my social media and just love me despite it. there has to be a sweetheart out there for me. i'm only growing cuter by the day as i get healthier and improve. i don't want to cry anymore, it's such an ugly expression. it's cathartic but i know for me, if i have to write to get out of my sadness, i'm going to do it to keep busy.

[unwrittenlibrary]

i don’t wanna do this (i don’t wanna lose this)

eighteen plus blog minors dni

summary -> it’s all fake, every piece of it scripted and perfected for the camera, even the upcoming break-up you pretend doesn’t break your heart.

words -> 2.5k

warnings -> fake relationship, use of name (bucky calls the reader by her character’s name, lucia, once) nickname uses (baby, sweetheart) co-workers/friends to lovers, no smut, not beta’d

notes -> this is for the lovely maera’s ( @ambrosiase ) hotel indigo writing challenge i absolutely love this idea mae and am so appreciative that you created this challenge, it really pushed me out of my comfort zone and i got to explore an entirely new au.  

room & service -> business meets pleasure with celebrity bucky barnes -> bucky and reader are co-stars in a fake relationship in a hotel for their final comic-con together.

— ➶ —

Bucky has been doing interviews with Sam all day today. 

You’ve been working together for six seasons and have both been to too many comic-cons to count. Every single one of them you and Bucky had been paired up to do interviews and photo-ops together. 

A scripted piece of a scripted relationship. Agreed upon when your characters romance began to pick up popularity and designed to look perfect until the end.

Tomorrow an article with be released ‘leaking’ the details of your perfect break-up too. A source close to the both of you will comment that wrapping of the show and being forced to go long distance just wasn’t working for you two. The writer will supply photos of today, the two of you avoiding sitting near one another and not speaking. They’ll write that their source confirmed this convention is actually the first time you’ve seen each other in months. 

Even more articles have already been planted periodically questioning whether the two of you were still together, generating buzz around the show and what happens between your characters. It’s a brilliant job, honestly.

Except, you and Bucky had been in a fake relationship for so long, it had begun to feel real. This distance between you two felt purposeful in a way that hurt you more than it ever should have. 

Your assistant is supposed to go through your instagram soon and begin archiving posts and pieces of your fake life with Bucky. He’s been glaringly absent from your social media recently and it makes your heart ache at the idea of him being nonexistent.

Your fans have noticed too. You read comment after comment all asking the same thing; What happened to you and Bucky? 

“Oh, Lucia! My dear, Lucia.” You bite down a grin at the sound of Bucky’s voice through your door. His words were filtered by the wall between you and a little slurred from the drinks he had no doubt consumed at the hotel bar. “Open the door, please.” 

You lock your phone and lay it on the bed beside you. “I’m busy, Bucky! Go bother Sam.” You call back despite already walking towards the door. 

“Bother Sam? On our last night together?” You can see Bucky smile teasingly though the peephole. Despite his joking tone the words hurt. “Four years together and this is how things end? Through a hotel room door?” 

His fist comes up to bang against the door and a hand comes up to his heart. He’s putting on a show for you, fully away of your eye watching carefully through the peephole. “How much have you had to drink, Bucky Barnes?” You ask as the door remains closed. 

Bucky holds his fingers up in a pinch too small to be true. “Not much.” When his hand falls back to his side he smiles up at the peephole. “Let me in, sweetheart. I’ve missed you.” 

You melt, becoming putty in his hand as you quickly move to unlatch the door. “I’ve missed you too.” You admit to him, face to face, as you lean against the door jam. 

A smirk replaces Bucky’s sweet smile as his hands reach out to grip your hips. “This break-up is tough on me, baby.” He pushes you into the room, kicking the door shut behind him. “One more night. One last time. You and me.” 

“Shut up!” You force his hands off of you and turn towards the mini bar in your room. “You’re such a dweeb. I’m glad we’re breaking up.” You pull out the miniature bottle of wine and twist the top off. 

Bucky’s hand slams across his chest as he falls against the wall in dramatic fashion. “You’re… Glad? My frail heart can’t take it,” he falls to his knees, “Please. Tell my mother, I loved her.”

You watch, unamused, as Bucky falls to the floor in front of you. “You’re obnoxious.” A beaming smile breaks out onto Bucky’s face that makes you grin.

“I was serious, about missing you.” Bucky moves to sit up with his back against the edge of your bed. You move to sit beside him on the floor. “These junkets and photos just aren’t the same without you by my side, cracking jokes in my ear.”

You rest your head against his shoulder. “Me too. I love Wanda, but it’s just not the same.” You admit quietly.

There’s so much that you want to say to him. What if this wasn’t fake? What if we didn’t go through with the break-up plan? “Did they send you our social media plan?” Bucky asks quietly.

“Yeah,” You swallow thickly, “I have my assistant going through my account for me soon. We’re supposed to start untagging and deleting photos of each other this week.”

Bucky snorts. “How fucking sweet. Four years together and they have us untag each other to confirm a break up.” His fingers tap against his thigh as the two of you sit on the carpeted floor together.

“Has it really been four years?” You ask quietly. It’s more of a question to yourself, but Bucky answers it with a nod anyways.

“My longest relationship ever and it was fake.” Bucky’s awkward laugh makes the air tense as he stares down at his hands. “I’ve wasted so much of my life. So many chances gone.”

You know the words aren’t said with ill intent, but that doesn’t stop the crack from forming in your heart. You can’t fathom the idea of all your time together, fake or not, being a waste.

Your eyes cut away from him in embarrassment. “Was it really all a waste?” You ask quietly. The words are unintentional, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re out in the air.

“What?” You can feel his eyes settle on you in an attempt to read your face or body language, but a career in acting comes in handy. Your back is ramrod straight and your face turned away perfectly to hide the emotions in your eyes. “It was fake when we could have had something real with people we actually cared about.”

It’s a knife to your broken heart. “People we actually care about?”

“You know, like, other girls and guys who we wanted to pursue but couldn’t because of the contract.” Bucky reaches out to wrap a hand around yours, but you pull away. “I don’t understand what’s wrong here.”

You shake your head, the regret of your words settling over you. “Nothing. I’m just… It’s been a long day.” You use the edge of the bed to help you stand while Bucky remains on the floor, watching you in confusion. “I’m tired, you should go.”

“Woah. What’s this one-eighty?” Bucky stands too and follows you as you move around to gather your toothbrush and skincare. “Two seconds ago we were joking about a fake break-up and now you’re all quiet and weird? You expect me to just leave?”

“Please.” You plead. The last thing you want to do is dump all your feelings out to Bucky, on the last day you two were officially contracted to each other, and make him feel guilty for feeling free. “I just need to be alone, Buck.”

You move to push past him towards your bathroom, but Bucky’s hand wraps around your wrist. “Come on, sweetheart. Don’t do this closing yourself off thing.”

“I’m not.” You say stubbornly. “I’m tired.” You try again to move past him, but his grip only tightens as he forces you to actually face him. “Buck-“

“You can tell me, you know?” He says quietly as his grip slackens. Your eyes meet his, pools of blue staring back at you with something akin to hurt. “You can trust me. We’re best friends, right? You’re my-“

“You don’t have to lie to me, Bucky. Pretend to care. You can go back to the bar and…” You pull your hand from him and cross your arms over your chest. “And tomorrow we can start being with people we actually care about.”

Bucky’s eyes squeeze shut as his own words are repeated back and left out in the open between you two. “That’s not what I…”

“What did you mean then?” You cut him off. You want to sound angry, but your tone is sad and tired. “Enlighten me, please.”

“I just meant… I meant we could date who we wanted to date, I didn’t mean for it to sound so awful.” He answers quietly. “I care about you a lot. We’ve been friends for over half a decade, of course I care about you.”

You swallow thickly. “What if I don’t want to date anyone else?” You force yourself to ask. If not now, then when? Ten years from now at a reunion of your show? You couldn’t live with this what if.

“What?” Bucky’s hand falls from your wrist as he takes a step back like your words have burned him.

You push through the thundering of your heart and ringing in your ears to ask, “haven’t you ever thought about it? I mean, four years of just us, all those dates and premieres, was it really all just work for you?”

“I don’t know… I mean…” Bucky rubs a hand over his jaw as you stare at him expectantly. “Have you?”

“I asked the question I think that would imply…” You trail off as his answer weighs down on your mind. It feels like a no. No. No. No. It’s on repeat in your mind as you move to sit down on your bed. “After a while the dates and photos and sappy posts didn’t feel all that forced anymore.” You admit quietly.

Bucky paces silently in front of you. You’re unsure of what’s going through his mind as he does it and it’s all you can do to not tap anxiously as you watch.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He finally asks when he finally pauses in front of you. You look up at him unsure of what to say. “I mean… When did you start…” He trails off like he doesn’t want the answer.

You look down at your hands in your lap. Despite your worries in telling Bucky you guess you had never truly thought of this conversation ending up this way. All these questions felt like Bucky preparing for a gentle rejection.

“I don’t know. After our second anniversary?” You keep your answer to him vague despite you being fully aware of when you started seeing Bucky differently. “That post you wrote for me that day. All the ones after. All of those words were fake?”

Your mind drifts to his words that day. The sweet and short caption had made butterflies erupt as you scrolled through the photos he had posted with it. Despite you both being required to post something, the photos he had chosen had been entirely genuine.

Pictures the two of you had taken together on set, selfies during your fake dates, and even a sweet set of photo booth pictures from your first premiere together.

You had stared at the post far too long as emotions rushed through you. Your heart raced at the idea of Bucky taking his time to pick photos that meant something to the both of you.

“I think that..” You shake your head in an attempt to rid yourself of the painful reminders. “I think you should go.” You stand up suddenly, your hands pushing gently at his chest.

Bucky’s eyes widen as his hands come up grip your arms in an attempt to stop you. “Woah. Let’s talk about this. I’m just trying to figure everything out.”

“Figure it out? What is there to figure out, Bucky?” You cry out, shoving harder. “If you don’t know how you feel then you should figure it out on your own.” You move past him to open the door.

Bucky follows after you hastily. “Sweetheart, wait, please. I just need a moment.” You grip his forearms tightly using Bucky’s own momentum against him as you guide him to the hallway outside your room. “I wasn’t expecting this. We have articles and photos and interviews planned about a break-up tomorrow.”

“I shouldn’t have said anything, Bucky.” The two of you are back where your night began. Opposite sides of the door as you stare, unsure of what to say. “Let’s just pretend this never happened, okay? The article will be published and we’ll confirm it and life will move on.”

The door slams shut in his face without warning, not giving him a chance to say anything else. You stare blankly at the ugly, green shade its painted in silence as you remind yourself; It was all fake. A script you had been given and followed to a tee. One you had gotten too caught up in.

You’re feelings don’t change the ending.

There’s a slow knock on your door. You suck in a breath as you move to open it an apology on the tip of your tongue.

“Bucky.” You’re cut off as his hands come up to rest on your cheeks and he pulls you towards him. Anything you had to say dissipates as his lips meet yours in a bruising kiss.

Your hands come up to grip his t-shirt tightly as you kiss him back your tongue slipping into his mouth while he pulls you flush against his body.

An arm wraps around your waist and Bucky pushes you back into your room, his foot kicking your door closed harshly.

The back of your knees hit the edge of your bed and you finally pull away to look at Bucky, but he speaks before you can say anything.

“Of course I’ve thought about it.” He breathes out. His eyes are wide with nerves and his cheeks flushed red. The sight of it mixed with his kiss makes your heart pound. “I’ve thought about kissing you for real, not in a room filled with crew and cameras. About what it would be like to be on a date where paparazzi hasn’t been tipped off. Baby,” his hands rest on your cheeks again as he forces your eyes to meet his, “I’ve thought about it all. What it would be like to be with you, to really be with you in every way. Sometimes it’s all I think about when we’re together.”

You take pause, your eyes widening and hands freezing in place as you listen to what he’s saying. “Why didn’t you say anything then? Why’d you just pace and ask me all those questions?”

“Because I’m an idiot.” He smiles brightly when you giggle. “Because I couldn’t believe you actually felt the same way. I was in shock.” He presses a gentle kiss to your lips.

You smile up at him softly. “What do we do about the article tomorrow?” You whisper your question.

You feel giddy with excitement as Bucky’s hands land on your hips to hold you in place, flush against him. “We deny it.”

“What about our managers?” Your smile doesn’t fade even as stress over the situation arises. “And…And our separate interviews tomorrow?”

“What are they gonna do? Fire us?” Bucky smiles. “We’ll tell them all about how in love we still are. That the source in the article was a dud and we’ve just been private recently as the show wraps.”

“We will?” You ask quietly. Your heart racing at his words. “You want to say all that?”

Bucky nods his head. “I do.”

You don’t say anything else he leans in for another kiss, you could worry tomorrow.

Bonus -> The Next Day

liked by buckybarnes, samwilson and 134,759 others

yourinstagram the final season of our show premieres this weekend and we’re so excited for you all to see how it ends. the first photo is from tonight and the second from our first season! the past six years has brought me so much joy and i’m so grateful for everything this show has given me. most importantly though, i’m thankful for you, bucky barnes. my adrian to my lucia. my best friend. my lover. thanks for making this show so fun.

View all 15,398 comments

samwilson we made a great show. love you guys.

buckyfan thought y’all were a pr stunt lmao

yourinstagram apparently you’re not supposed to really fall in love for those to work…

buckybarnes i am most grateful for you. you made work worth it every god damn day.

yourfan my favorite couple on and off the screen.

— ➶ —

notes -> this is my first ever time joining a writing challenge, it really pushed me to work through block and focus on this instead of letting is die out like i have with other projects despite liking them so much!

(hoping you guys don’t hate the extra instagram idea, i just felt it fit in!)

hopefully you enjoyed and if you did, reblogs are greatly appreciated!

[renaerys]

22. for reds 🤡

This is 100% not what you asked for (yet...👀), but I give you part 1 of what we're calling the Weird King AU. I'm turning this into a proper multi-chapter High School fic because I love you and I'd jump on any bandwagon for you.

xxx

Like most young, conventionally attractive Supervillains, Brick had made a bit of a habit of failing upwards. It was pretty easy in a town full of simpering morons content to project their own narrative assumptions onto him, and who was he to crush their dreams when they made his life a little easier?

For example, dating.

“You can tell me, you know.” His cute date, Tracy, sipped her milkshake across from him.

“Tell you what?”

She softened and reached her hand across the table. “Your tragic backstory. I’ll listen without judgment, I promise.”

Brick tried to think of something tragic, but it all seemed pretty underwhelming as far as Supervillain origin stories went. “You mean like how I was born in a toilet?”

She made an oh shape with her lips. “We all have those days where we feel like we were born in a toilet, Brick.”

He’d dated Tracy for three months before she broke up with him out of the blue in tears: sorry she couldn’t fix his baggage, she just wasn’t strong enough to handle all that tortured darkness, but she wished him nothing but health and happiness. Brick deleted her number from his phone and spent twenty whole minutes staring at the toilet in his bathroom, wondering what the lesson here was.

But everything changed when Mojo got out of prison and moved Brick and his brothers back to Townsville, where he enrolled them in the local high school alongside their former arch nemeses, the Powerpuff Girls.

Suddenly, everything Brick did pre-supposed ill intent. These people remembered him as the pest who had graffitied their local monuments and blown up their cars and endangered their children. They held no love for him, and at best they feared him. This was not Citiesville, where he’d been a tall, cold glass of Voss water in a sea of recycled Dasani.

He found himself thinking about his birthing toilet again as he stepped into the cafeteria alone and the conversation quieted down as his new classmates watched him from the safety of their tables. His next moves here were critical. He was no longer at the top of the food chain, but fear and mystery surrounding his origins and character gave him a certain power over his peers.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of social suicide, I will fear no cringe,” he said to himself.

The jocks were out. Capable though he may be, Brick was not much of a team player unless there was a blood contract involved requiring his participation on pain of satanic torture. The drama kids were also a hard pass, not because he thought drama was lame, but because they had barely noticed him walk in, and Brick did not have the energy to deal with people more self-involved than himself. Some of the unaffiliated tables could be safe, but without a good understanding of the nuanced social dynamics in the high school, he could be heading toward irreversible doom, and that was a risk he was not willing to take.

He saw his salvation just ahead. It was the only option, all else being equal. In an environment where he couldn’t be certain of his baseline status and potential for upward mobility, there was greatness to be had only by association and certainty only in the devil he knew.

Brick helped himself to the empty seat directly across from Blossom Utonium to a chorus of gasps and staring.

Blossom did not startle like her table mates had. She watched him critically behind a head full of bangs as she balanced her soup spoon in her hand. “Really.”

Brick unwrapped the burrito he’d purchased in the lunch line and brandished it before him. “Really.”

He took a bite of the burrito. It was not hot enough. The two girls to Blossom’s left whispered to each other about that bad boy and he’s hot, though.

Blossom daintily spooned soup into her mouth without spilling a single drop as she continued to watch Brick for signs of his imminent dark side transformation.

The guy next to Brick was brave enough to ask him what his next class was. Brick had a mouth full of disappointing burrito, so he passed the guy the printout of his class schedule in lieu of answering.

“Wow, all APs, huh? Hey, we’re in U.S. History together next period, nice. I’m Mike Believe, by the way. Brick Jojo, right?”

Brick didn’t answer him immediately on account of the burrito currently occupying his mouth hole, and Mike took it the wrong way.

“Oh, yeah, we all know who you are. Blossom sort of filled us in.” He winced like he’d inadvertently revealed a terrible secret.

Brick swallowed his food and washed it down with a gulp of water. “Saves me some time.”

Mike looked super relieved. “For sure! Hey, I could lend you my notes if you want to catch up. Gershwin’s giving a quiz on the Progressive Era on Friday, and she’s a hard-ass who definitely won’t care that you just transferred…”

Brick chewed on his lunch as Mike continued to talk at him about classes and other vaguely helpful, albeit uninteresting, information. But Mike seemed normal enough, a little chatty but not in an overeager sort of way. Blossom was no longer clocking his every move and seemed to be absorbed in her friend’s latest swim team cheating scandal, until Brick reached for his water bottle and she suddenly laser-focused on his wandering hand.

Her keen attention to him was honestly flattering, if expected. It was in his nature to be noticed, and in this narrow respect she was no different from anyone else whose head he turned. If she chose to feed her interest with the flames of suspicion, then it was no difference to him.

But if she was anything like him—and on a chemical level she was probably the closest to him that a person could get—he suspected it took tremendous effort to hold her full and sustained attention. The world they inhabited was as vapid and mundane as the humans that surrounded them, and even the most gracious of gods grew bored of worship. Which explained all the smiting and fucking and generational curses upon entire households in everything from Greek mythology to the Old Testament.

Brick was pretty deep into a fantasy of Blossom going full Ixion and the Wheel on the swim team when Mike tapped his shoulder. “You ready to go?”

It took him a moment to realize the bell had rung and he had a class to get to—AP U.S. History with Mike, apparently. Brick gathered his tray and his bag and followed Mike. When he looked back at the table, Blossom was already gone.

xxx

That whole first week was painfully boring. No one bullied him, or pranked him, or picked a fight with him, of course. But no one really approached him, either. His brothers were more determined to make an effort. Boomer announced he was trying out for the soccer team because there was no rule saying a Super with extremely well documented ties to active criminals and the forces of Hell couldn’t kick a ball around a field. Butch had gotten himself invited to a midnight screening of Snakes on a Plane in some rich kid’s home movie theater, but only after that same kid had accidentally spilled milk on Butch and burst into tears in front of a cafeteria full of Juniors and Seniors. Brick declined the invitation Butch extended to him. He had that AP U.S. History exam to study for on Friday, anyway.

He shared all of his classes with Blossom. Even in the classes where her assigned seat was behind his and he couldn’t see her, he could feel her lobotomizing stare at the back of his head whenever she glanced up from her notebook. And while Mike’s notes were perfectly adequate and the friendly gesture counted for more than the content (a gesture Brick would not soon forget), there was a far more efficient way to accomplish his goal of murdering the class averages while also taking the edge off his loner doldrums.

“Can I borrow your class notes?”

Blossom rose from her seat and pulled her hair tie out to re-do her extremely long ponytail. She held the elastic between her teeth as she worked. Her teeth were very straight, he noticed. Some pretty nice girl-teeth, generally speaking.

“Which class?”

“All of them.”

He watched her wind the elastic around her hair with quick, adroit fingers. “That’s a lot of notes.”

“You’re the top of every class. No point in asking anyone else.”

She moved toward the hall. He followed her out. “Why would I help you?”

A legitimate question delivered without venom. Unlike her sister Buttercup, who’d “run into” Brick after school on Monday and told him to watch his back, Blossom didn’t have to do anything but maintain a general proximity to make her superiority complex known. Which was the kind of flex he could fuck with.

“Isn’t helping people sort of your mandate?”

They had arrived at her locker, which she opened with enough force to rattle the hinges. “I help the helpless. Are you helpless, Brick?”

Brick smiled at her baiting. Had she ever actually said his name at a normal volume before? It sounded good even in her baseline bitch timbre. “Critically helpless. I’m the new student who transferred in the middle of the semester, and you’re the only person who knows me.”

A couple other students clearly trying to get to the lockers Brick was blocking hovered just out of reach. They whispered to each other, but neither of them actually worked up the courage to ask Brick to move. He ignored them.

Blossom rummaged in her locker for the binder she would need for the next class. “Make friends.”

“Working on it.”

The locker door slammed and she faced him. There was something confrontational in the way she held herself before him that kicked him in the nuts back in time thirteen years to their more uncouth days when all he wanted to do was destroy her so he’d be the only one. Now they were older and wiser and he actually did need her notes to study, so destroying her was not high on his list of priorities.

“You want to be my friend.”

“We have so much in common.”

“So do lions and hyenas.”

“Both are apex predators, so.”

She took a step closer and peered up at him. Brick did not move, although he wondered what was so interesting about his face. She probably just thought he was hot. She was probably as bored as he was. She probably—

“You have lettuce in your teeth.”

Brick pulled back and covered his mouth on instinct. God fucking damnit.

Blossom was already walking away from him by the time he’d picked the food from his teeth. “I’ll expect my notes back in mint condition before first period tomorrow morning.”

Brick pressed a fist against the lockers and quietly fumed. “Dumbass…”

“Um, sorry, but do you mind…?”

The student who’d been waiting for her locker space to clear up had her palms up as if to assuage a feral stray. Brick pushed off the lockers, but his fist left a dent where he’d unleashed some of his impotent self-pity. He looked back at the girl, and she shook her head.

“It’s fine! It, uh, it happens sometimes.” She pointed a couple lockers down to Blossom’s, which was dinged up worse than the others.

Brick stared at Blossom’s locker, and then back at the girl. Her narrow, dark eyes were wide, but not out of fear. She was waiting for something, and like an idiot it took him a moment to catch up. “You’re trying to make me feel better about fucking up your locker.”

She laughed nervously. “I mean, it’s really fine! You just looked so miserable for a second there, and I just thought…”

Great, he was moping so hard he had an audience.

The five minute warning bell rang, and a flood of students rushed past them on their way to fourth period. Brick stepped aside so the girl could get to her locker.

“Hey, you’re the new guy, right?”

The new guy, yeah. How quaint. Except, she was waiting for a response, which wasn’t the absolute worst thing that had happened to him all week.

“Brick,” he said. But of course, she already knew that, and she was just being nice.

“I’m Kim. Kim Chan.”

“Okay.” He didn’t have anything else to say to her, so he decided to get his shit and get to his next class.

“Welcome back to Townsville, Brick.”

Brick shoved his hands in his pockets and stalked off. It didn’t occur to him until later that Kim was the first and only person who had properly welcomed him back home.

[sukirichi]

— 💌 ; a love letter from @kyriaan

long post below regarding broken records. cw includes adultery, physical assault, toxic relationships, broken records spoilers, and mature content

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 005

Okay! I finally had time to actually sit down and properly read chap 5 cause ill be damned and burned if i dont pay special attention to one of my favorite series here! Rather drown or be sting by bees slowly 😒

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙃 I for the first time don't even know where to start so allow me to be all over the place cause my emotions are also all over the place with this chapter ✌️

Ill start by y/n's dad caN GO FUCK HIMSELF? Like okay sir you might have fallen in love with our mom (ill give him the benefit of the doubt regarding his feelings) BUT SIR YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HONEST? FROM THE BEGINNING? ALSO BRUH YOU KIDDING ME??? SIR YOU LEGIT ABANDONED YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER AND THEN YOU PROCESS TO 'LEAVE US' I- YOOOOO I WOULD BITCH SLAP HIM I SWEAR!!

Also ALSO ILL SCREAM FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK NO KID HAS EVER TO BE BLAMED FOR BEING BORN!! Y/n mom's line: 'we have to atone for our sins' its legit BULLSHIT it wad NOT y/n fault her DAD COULDNT KEEP HIS DICK INSIDE HIS PANTS NOR ITS Y/N FAULT THAT HER DAD CHEATED!!! ATONE FOR OUR SINS MY ASS!! the father is the one that has to take responsibility for all this shitty situation we do NOT nor any kid out there in this situation has to be taken accountable by this!!

And now Suna 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 bruh im just gonna cry... Everything he does just makes me heart swell i feel so cozy when i read his parts like how sweet and present he is I- bruh I never had that... Actually seeing y/n breaking up with him when shes clearly falling in love with him just breaks me cause Girl for real Suna would be there for you... I get it shes afraid and shes acting on that fear but girl... Pls he truly loves you deeply not everyone is like your dad. There are happy endings. There are good people Sunas one of them pls 🥺🥺🥺 also MY LOVE TSUMU BEING A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND EVEN THO SUNA GOT THE GIRL BRUH TSUMU I FUCKING LOVE YOU MY CHILDISH YET ADORABLY SMUG BOY 😭😭😭😭😭

Nagisas a bitch btw ✌️ so far i see no redemption not excuse in what she did so far. I get her reasons but that does NOT excuse her behavior. She has to lash out at her cunt of a dad not at a innocent woman who was also a victim all along. Nor even her half sister. I get her mentality behind this but doesnt excuse her behavior at all- its basically the same as being a victim from a bully and playing bully after aswell.

Overall YOU MADE ME CRY AGAIN SUKI! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS BUT ALSO UGH MY HEART SUKI!

[ from suki ] 

BROKEN RECORDS IS UR FAVE SERIES??? babe pls you’re gonna me cry !! nah nah fr his dishonesty caused all this mess. YEAHA SAKLAA tbh I love mama lucy but her words of ‘atoning for their sins’ or her mindset of ‘we don’t deserve to be happy when we’ve hurt others’ really messed up YN. she was only 21 and vulnerable with all the shambles happening in her family + the sudden assault from nagisa, that when her mother said those words, she struggled to let go of it. to her, it became like a final verdict that dictated how she lived her life.

SUNA URGHHH PLEASE GIVE SUNA A CHANCE HE HAS PURE AND GOOD INTENTIONS BUT I CANT BLAME HER EITHER AHSJAKA. and the comparison of nagisa being a bully’s victim only to become the next bully is true. nagisa should lash out at their shitty excuse of a father. ALSO AAAAHH THE NEXT CHAPTER (007) IS WORSE AHSJKAAL

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 005

I know shins attractive I mean mans perfect?? Does he even have any flaw?? And the way he cried when he got his jersey MYGOD FHDHFHFJSKS but I still look at him and im like.... Hmmmm nah i wouldnt date him its just not my... Do i dare say type? Cause i dont think i have a type ghfhfisofbd but like I just 🧍‍♀️

I love him i just dont love him i guess

The makeout scene tho ill give you that 🥵🥵🥵 made me bark (i would still walk out next day like was a good fuck kita byeeee🚉🏃‍♀️💨)

... More drama regarding mari... And you said this will have like 10 chapters... And from 8 on will be angsty.... 🙂 *traumatized noises*

[ from suki ] 

YUUHHH KITA IS PERFECT HERE AHSJKAA IDK MAYBE ITS MY SIMPING FOR NAOYA CONVERTED TO KITA ALREADY BEING PERFECT AS HE ALREADY IS AND I AMPED IT UP BCOS THE SIMP MODE IS ACTIVATED AHSKAA. the make out scene !! pls sir i’m on my knees spare some love in ur heart AAAAAAHHHHHH. also. i assure you. businessman! kita got game. he’s gonna make you walk funny if you give him the chance HSJKA

yeah i just finished writing the outline for track7 right now and the drama is HSJKAA it gave me a headache sobs 

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 006

I want to give you my usual thoughts on the new chapter and at the same ahm...

I just saw myself on Suna... Deeply....and it kinda slapped me harder than i was expecting...there were too many things from him giving himself to mari/treating her like he wants to be treated... To deleting his best friend from social media thanks to his girlfriend... And it really hurt me ahah..

I would vent but.. Yeah

But yes this chapter i saw myself in suna and i had to take quite the long breaks cause it was getting to me 😅😅😅 also if anything i learned from my experiences is that MARI SCREAMS RED FLAGS and even Osamu can see that pls

I would honestly end Mari there, i wouldnt even bother to just retort i would walk my way into to the damn apartment and fucking take Suna for myself cause Mari does not deserve him. Shes manipulative, and in a way abusive.. Not allowing him to keep contact with his best friend his a total redflag and o know its because Suna had feelings for y/n and vice versa but Suna never gave het a reason to distrust him.

The moment he said he was best friends with y/n and was single she immediately clinged himself to him and for what? To then dump him like he was trash...

He gave himself to her, he proved he was there for her he even took her back this boy deserves the fucking world and its not Mari...

I kinda want to say it's not y/n at this point either cause the way she broke his heart was kinda the same Mari did.. Y/n disregarded his feelings and just broke it up.. Mari disregarded his feelings abd broke it up... But y/n stated from the very beginning that she would eventually break up Mari just shrugged and didn't care so i can in a way forgive y/n i cant forgive mari

Besides y/n was supportive from the beginning while Mari was obsessive and controlling.

Another really insanely well written chapter as usual (albeit this one making me ball my eyes off harder because yeah) but yes~ eagerly waiting for the next one~

Take your time tho 😌🙌

Mari can go fuck off 💗💓💞💕❣️❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍💯💝💖💋💅

Suna x y/n pls

Y/n deserves to have a healthy love life with someone she loves (hence why npt Kita) and loves her back

And Suna deserve the fucking world and be treated right

[ from suki ] 

NAHHHH cuz when you said suna was treating mari the way he wanted YN to treat her... that’s right. on point. they’re all so complicated sobs. MARI IS A WALKING RED FLAG THAT OSAMU CAN SMELL FROM A MILE AWAY. ALSO yes mari is manipulative and borderline possessive when it came to suna. like yeah, let’s be real, she could tell a long time ago that suna was in love with YN and it made her insecure / jealous, but the whole time, YN kept her distance. she was supportive over their relationship from afar as to make mari comfortable. suna also did everything he could to make sure she was well cared for. for three years, he was focused on her and only her. he gave love a second chance despite being brokenhearted. suna never mari a chance to doubt because he, too, was sure he could be happy with her.

until mari left him.

and now suna is back with YN because they will always have each other. but honestly,,,if we think about it, if mari never broke up with suna or at least gave him the chance to explain himself - if mari didn’t do the exact thing YN did to suna years ago - he honestly would’ve been really happy with mari. they were going well. like yeah mari has always been toxic by pushing suna’s boundaries and asking him to unfollow his own best friend on social media, but he did it anyway. because he trusted their relationship. he wanted the best for them. 

also yeah, the parallels between mari and YN were intentional !! 

HEHEHEHE THE KITA X YN SHIP everyone loves them im so happy about that bcos kita is so amazing in my eyes. PREACH FOR THAT THO !! SUNA DESERVES THE BEST. SUNA DESERVES TO BE TREATED RIGHT. HE DESERVES THE WORLD AND SO MUCH MORE

thank you for taking the time to send me this, kya, it means a lot to me and it motivates me to work harder on the future chapters !! <33

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

24 Oct 19

We Made It is out!! [literally redacted for length, me going on and on about how great the song is] But not just that, LT TOUR DATES ARE OUT!! The tour starts in Europe and the UK in March (the Apollo! Donny Dome!), goes international, then wraps up in North America in July, and most of the venues are small and the tickets are on sale in less then two weeks so basically, write your wills/bankruptcy paperwork now cause it's about to get real. Fans are already camping out in South America and TBH they might just have the right idea. We're told there will be "a few more dates" at a "later date" but not soon enough to ease this frenzy I'm guessing. Anyway WMI! The video is out too and continues but doesn't finish the story started in the KMM video- again there's a snippet of the next single at the end and it's Don't Let It Break Your Heart! DLIBYH was recently registered, showing Louis as a performer only, no writing credit, which was surprising. Not clear if he didn't write on it at all or just not enough of it to put his name on there. New writer of note who is credited: Wrabel, a singer songwriter who also runs their own label, Big Gay Records. Louis is in NYC doing promo. He sang at Sirius this morning (airs tomorrow). Also tomorrow Elvis Duran, and he records his Build Series interview in front of a small fan audience. He got papped, just a man, his bodyguard, and his latte casually strolling the streets, and then headed off to a fan meet and greet. If your heart isn't already in tatters from the many many moving fan accounts of Louis taking his time and connecting personally with and loving each one of the lucky fans, how about the picture of Louis jokingly flipping off the huge poster of his own face? And if that hasn't done you in, get ready for Louis asking to hold a baby named Louis and yeah. The cutest fucking Louis+baby pics you'll ever see [commentary redacted] Anyway coverage of the single: lots of quotes about the song and its nostalgic slant, Louis telling all kinds of stories about what inspired the lyrics, and I do mean all kinds! When more than one media outlet comment that he "has shared a few different stories behind what it could mean" you know it's getting shifty out there. So is about the fans, Eleanor, touring (that was a good one!), his mates, or "some other relationship" as one outlet offered? To quote Louis, "I think if the fans really listen to my lyrics you'll know what I'm singing about," and "this song is a message to my fans."

And on the topic of Harry, what is he up to? Well! He's is gonna be on Saturday Night Live on Nov 16, he's gonna fully take it over! That's right he's the host and musical guest and will get to introduce himself and you know he'll make the most of that... He'll be the 28th person to do the double duty which led to much being made of the 28, which led to people crying to Jeff to get the tweet about him being the 28th presenter performer deleted and sue the outlet for announcing it LMAO. Obviously that didn't happen because, what.

Liam's Christmas tune is out and it's a really lovely song! All I Want (for Christmas) was released midnight everywhere so technically not yet lots of places but you know, it's out. The lyric vid is on YouTube, it's the adorable tale of animated game of thrones Liam, his pink haired ex girlfriend (is that the NTMY girl?) and his new significant other, a giant fluffy wolf. And Liam performed tonight (not the new song it was before that.) It wasn't scheduled but he stepped in to fill Rita Ora's slot (she was taken ill and cancelled) to play at the Amazon Music Fashion Europe Event in Berlin. He plays the Kiss Haunted House Party tomorrow night at Wembley, which given that it's Halloween themed I don't expect the Christmas song but who knows.

A new version of NTMY was announced for midnight local time tonight, which it for sure is somewhere (see: Liam's song being out) but I don't see it and honestly it's busy today anyway. Tomorrow for that! But for today, the Niall and Lewis Capaldi friendship test video is out and whatever you were imagining and hoping it would be, it absolutely is. It's Quality Content indeed y'all. It doesn't have a best part, it's all the best part, buuuut Lewis making Niall turn bright red is pretty damn good. Niall will be on Graham Norton Nov 8 as a guest and performer.

[kflirts]

nct dream as boyfriends!

well i wanted to do this, this is a repost because i accidentally deleted my account, yikes. anyway here’s how i see nct dream as boyfriends!

 MARK

well

hes really soft for you in general

like loves skinship

all the time

constantly wants to touch you

wants to buy you food

even tho you ate like an hour ago

not big on kissing in public

but in private!

oh boy

he loves giving you kisses

random pickup lines

once asked you out in public

even tho you’d been dating for a year

and people were watching

so you said yes

smileS

big ass smiles whenever you love on him

hes so cute

wants to take care of you

“LET ME FEED YOU YOURE SICK”

“MARK I SNEEZED ONE TIME”

makes you play videogames with him

and makes fun of you when you lose

DONGHYUCK

invented pda

you’ll be in the convenience store and he’ll like wrap his arms around you for no reason

I see him getting jealous easily

You’re like fuckin married and 83 and he asks if you thinks he’s cute

Hilarious

likes making you laugh all the fuckin time

knows what you’re thinking without you saying it

It’s weird

“You know what I want?”

“ice cream”

“HAECHAN”

“I know”

wants to stay inside all the time

“Let’s go Out!!1!1!2” you say

“:////“ he says

So most of the time you end up at home playing monopoly or some shit

he likes when it rains

sends you songs that remind him of you

genuinely rlly cute

10/10

JAEMIN

RANDOM PICKUP LINES

OUT OF NOWHERE

you’re in the car and he’s just like

“your hand looks heavy,”

and you’re like

jaemin no

and he’s like

“LET ME HOLD IT FOR U :D”

and you want to hit him

but you don’t

you love him

king of nose kisses!

falls asleep randomly a lot

you don’t know why

sometimes gets rlly quiet and you’re like bro u good

and he’s like YEAH I just,,,, love you

rlly sweet all the times

like iS he Okay does he Ever get Upset

he has a look

he’ll look at you

and you’ll melt

HE LIKES TO LOOK AT YOUR LIPS JUST TO FLUSTER YOU

WH y

he just knows everything

never awnsers ur important texts

probably says “no u hang up first”

goodmorning/night messages

LIKES TO SEE YOU FLUSTERED

fLIRT

CHENLE

this motherfucker

you wonder why are you dating him

hes so loud like all the time

and he gains nothing from it

screams when you kiss him

screams your name just to scare you

teases you for doing the bare minimum

look at you for minutes and you’re like wtf

and he acts like it never happened

buys you stuff bc he can

“I got u shoes”

“wtf chenle

calls you a dumbass

you swear he’s on crack

random memes from Instagram

mEAN SOMETIMES

called you a hooligan once

you hit him for it

forehead kisses

giggles and tells u how much you mean to him when he’s sleepy

wants you to play in his hair

generally soft

JISUNG

clingy!!

wants to hug you all the time

why

whY

he’s so cute sometimes it actually hurts

movie date king

acts cute and then runs his hand through his hair

you feEL EMOTIONS

plEASe

one of you is constantly whining

steals ur money

why

he could ask

“have you seen $5 anywhere??”

“oh yeah sorry i took it”

“wtf”

“ill pay you back i swear”

he doesnt pay you back

cutes his way out of doing things

you honestly love him even tho he gets on your nerves

attacks and protects

“JISunG PlEASE”

doesn’t let you do basic things

likes it when you hug him

doesnt want you to let go

ever

“i have to wash my hai-”

“no we’re cuddling”

“b-”

“nO”

scrunches up his nose when you annoy him back

“gROW uP”

“IM GROWN”

RENJUN

oh my god

chaotic good

you’re chilling and he’s just like sweet and then all of a sudden he’s roasting you

for why

sometimes the voice of reason 

“lets so skydiving” you say

“no” he says

what does he gain

“you’re lucky you’re cute”

you dont say his name right on purpose

and he stops talking to you for a week

weird

“what the fuck is that”

“i brought you a duck :)”

“RENJUN”

pretends to be cold so you’ll hug him

takes you out at three am even tho he’s like exhausted 

never goes back on his word

praises you

“aHHH you look so pretty!!”

constantly telling you how much he loves you

kisses your hair

all the time

“you smell good!”

PLEase

you melt every time

tells you he was thinking about you all day

when he’s in a good mood he’s the fuckin best thing ever

sometimes gets sad and just needs you to be there for him

a smiling mess when you’re around

“wHY are you looking at me like that”

“BECAUSE UR SO PRETTY NOW SHUT UP”

OIDKJGFKDSO

flkshfaosgh

you’re head over heels

JENO

the softest boy 

please

he know’s he’s attractive and uses it against you

“no,”

and then he looks are you and pouts

and so you have to say yes

it’s the law now

cares about you so much

does anything you ask

kisses everywhere

you actually have to ask him to stop kissing you 

so you can FOCUS 

it makes him chuckle

he chuckles a lot!

fake cries everyday for some reason

he wont stop

all you said was you didnt like his favorite food

and his cat wasn’t THAT fluffy

and now he’s acting like u hurt him

PLEase

the dreamies tease him around you

apparently you’re all he talks about

“y/n make him shut the fuck up oh my god”

he 

you both make each other blush on purpose

“ay, are you bLUShinG, PRehaPs?”

“eat your damn food and shut up”

he’s so cute

all the time

wants you to be happy no matter what

considers your feelings before his

makes you soft

you’re in love with him

fuck

[mytearsrricochet]

ok so....inspired by the events that took place tonight (or were rather “exposed” tonight, if you will) I feel this is a good opportunity to share my own story about a similar situation. it’s been awhile since this happened and I don’t tell almost anyone about this. but I feel like talking through it step by step will help me cope. the realization about this thing happening was about 6 or so months ago I think....and I haven’t let myself think about it or really do anything with it because I've been terrified of confronting my feelings. I just wanted to put it behind me and forget about it, but we all know that’s not healthy.

so this doesn’t really relate to anything in this fandom, and it may seem too personal for me to post, but ya know whatever this is my blog and one means of posting about something that happened to me without judgment from people who already know me in the real world (besides just the internet). I'm putting it under a cut because I don’t want to bother people with this long ass story lol.

trigger warnings for abuse, self harm, suicide attempts, all that jazz

so when I was about 12 and a half or so, I embarrassingly took place in a thing that was popular back then (circa 2011/12) which was facebook roleplaying. basically what you did was create a new facebook account for a character you wanted to play, which could either be a character that was canonical or one you made up, but you were usually in a fandom. I roleplayed a character from the hunger games as I was very into the fandom at the time, but I was also very into glee then as well. that meant I was active in both fandoms equally, roleplaying with thg and glee people. it was a way to pass the time and I met a lot of cool people on there.

I became friends with a girl who was roleplaying a glee character very quickly. her real name was Emilee and I facetimed with her a lot and had her on my real facebook. she was really great and she was actually a few months younger than me. no qualms about her in this story. she role-play “dated” a male character from glee, Finn. the guy behind Finn was clearly foreign as he spoke English but pretty choppy. since I was friends with Emilee in real life (not just on facebook), I became friends with the Finn character too. the person behind the facebook account was named James. he was really nice and cool, and I didn’t really go further with him in our friendship in terms of social media. eventually though, Emilee deleted her role-play account very suddenly and blocked me on all social media. I had no idea why until Finn/James told me he would rather role-play date me. please keep in mind I was like 12/13 so this is more dramatic then than it is for me now at 19. I thought it was stupid for Emilee to ghost me like that as I liked finn/James as a friend, but Emilee was a really good friend to me and I was pissed that he would tell her that knowing it would jeopardize our friendship. again, 12 years old. this was a big deal back then.

I ended up getting over Emilee ghosting me pretty quickly, and after talking to finn/James (as my character, not about real-life issues, strictly still role-play) I decided sure why not. Emilee (her character was Rachel) was no longer around and I liked to role-play dating scenarios since I had never had a relationship in real life and I liked to act them out online.

my character (Madge) began dating James’s character Finn. they got engaged, married, whatever. by this point in the role-play timeline though, I had actually grown to know James more personally, and half our conversations were about our own lives. we became actual friends. he was really nice, and eventually, I formed a crush on him. I had never met him, facetimed, Skyped, or anything with him, I just really liked his personality. he was nice and funny and always cared about what I wanted to talk about. naturally I formed a desire to talk to him more, which I probably wrongly perceived as a crush. I just liked attention, and at that age, I was going through a hard time in my life with an abusive person that my father was dating, and I was honestly just trying to find comfort anywhere. James provided it for me.

I was getting bored with roleplaying and was getting anxiety about having a crush on someone I didnt know, so I confronted him about it. he told me he cared for me honestly, not just in the roleplaying world. that was about it at that point. I didnt know what that meant which caused more anxiety. eventually he told me he had a crush on me too, based off of the things we had talked about before, and he wanted to get to know me better. I had just celebrated my 13th birthday around this time. I vividly remember going to church with one of my friends and seeing a long paragraph he messaged me about himself. he was 17, his name was James Levine, and he was from France. I realized at that point I was too scared to tell him my age because it might scare him off, so I let him know I wasn't comfortable with sharing my age, but I shared a lot of other personal stuff like my name and whatever. he understood.

about 2 years goes by, and we are still talking and “dating”. the thing is, he has never shown me a picture of himself, we haven’t talked on the phone, we don’t FaceTime, nothing. I had requested it before, but he always blew me off. I had a really bad feeling in my stomach about it, and I think I always knew what was going on, but he was my outlet during a time where I had either bad friends or no friends, my dad was in and out of rehab, I was living with my emotionally abusive grandmother, and I had no one to rely on. I ignored what I knew in my heart because I just needed someone to talk to. it’s my biggest regret to this day.

anyway, when I was 15, I tell him how old I am. if you do the math, he is 19 by now. he’s kind of upset about the age difference, but he kind of forgets about it, I guess. nothing happened from it. I send him a selfie of me, and it’s the first time he’s ever seen me. the next morning, he sends me a selfie of him. he’s cute. we go about our lives.

he sent me recordings of songs he covered, and sometimes when I was really upset, I listened to them before I went to sleep because his voice soothed me. things seemed pretty normal, but I still had that gut feeling, and I ignored it.

one day I opened my laptop to reverse image search something for a friend, and something hit me...I could reverse image search the pictures he’d been sending me of himself. I started crying before I even clicked the search button because I knew what I was about to see. I was right. he used the picture of some 15 year old model from Portugal. before I even confronted him, I (somehow) sleuthed really well and found the model’s social media and sent him a message on all of it to let him know someone was using his pictures to catfish him. I'm not sure what he could've done about it, but I guess it gave me some satisfaction. he responded “ok”. 

finally I confronted James about it, and his first response was to tell me he wanted to delete his account and never speak to me again. he told me this was for my own good, since there was no way I could ever continue to love him after that. and for some reason...since I honestly had no one at the time...I told him to let me think bout it for a few days. I did, and I returned as if nothing happened. he still neglected to send me a picture after that, and I was pissed.

this was around the time of my first suicide attempt. with everything going on in my life, I couldn’t handle it. he was very scared, understandably, and I tried again a few weeks after the first. for this time, though, instead of being met with sympathy, he told me I was selfish and all i thought about was myself. 

around this time, he also started talking about how sick he was. I always knew he had a heart problem (he told me the specific name but I can’t remember now). he was afraid it was getting worse. whenever I had panic attacks, he would pretend his heart was acting up and leave.

now, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD since around this time. I had started going to therapy after my second attempt, where I was diagnosed with a multitude of illnesses. one of them was PTSD and one of the triggers, though it has since been handled via therapy, was alcohol. he knew this, and one of the things he always told me was that he hated alcohol and could never drink it. this was good for my situation, as we did one day plan to meet up and get married (yeah, you don’t have to lecture me about that, I know, just keep reading). but one night, he got shitface drunk and told me all about how he had a huge crush on this girl that worked for his dad, and he really wanted to leave me because my depression and PTSD were too much for him, and he couldn’t handle me anymore. in fact, he kissed one of his best friends that night, a girl who he had been friends with for awhile and she always made me really jealous because he would talk about her so often. this sent me into a deep depression that literally took me forever to get out of. I was so hurt for many many reasons.

the next day, he asked me, as if it was no big deal, “so uh I know I told you about the girl Payton, can I leave now? I wanna go ask her out”

I just wanted to include that to note his lack of empathy. typing that made me mad all over, though it was FAR from the worst thing he did.

I didn’t talk to him for about a week, until he came back and said it was just a fascination with the girl and not a crush, and he really loved me. I foolishly said ok. 

one day, I was sitting on my computer, and out of nowhere, I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if I was going to vomit, and I spent 3 hours surfing youtube to see if the audio clips he sent me of song covers were even his. I have NO idea how I did it, but lo and behold, I found the channel of a guy with those song covers. I remember clicking on a video and hearing the first notes and vomiting all over my lap. I was so upset.

let’s just say I didn’t learn. I forgave him.

he finally sent me pictures of his face, and I was satisfied with that. he sent me voice recordings of him saying my name. I let everything else go, because he did what I asked him to do. still no Skype or phone call.

fast forward a bit, and when I was 17, our relationship was really waning. we wouldn’t talk to each other for days, and when we did, it was nothing of substance. on Black Friday, I went shopping with my friends, and I found the hair dye I'd been wanting to dye my hair for awhile, this metallic blue. I sent him a picture of the bottle and was clearly excited that I had found it. he sent back, “you’d look so ugly in that, I wouldn’t date you if you dyed your hair that color”

contrary to popular belief, I did not suck it up as I did all those years before. I said “ok, guess you don’t have a girlfriend anymore”. that night I went home and dyed my hair an electric blue, and that was a mistake as I didn’t mix the color correctly, but damn if I may say I felt really confident with that bright blue hair after that.

we talked a little bit after that, and he backtracked and said he liked the blue in order to get me back. the night before our 4th anniversary, he broke up with me. and I said “ok. I'm done”. I blocked him on facebook and went on my damn merry way. I was pissed because I never found out what I wanted to know, about who he really was, but I was so done with the years of emotional abuse and neglect from him, all the lies and the insults and the long nights with no sleep and missing school because he would ask me to so he could still talk to me. what a wanker. however, right before I left the account, he told me he thought he might have cancer. I said ok cool and continued on.

fast forward a year, I reactivate the account because I am bored and I wonder if he still has the account. he does. I send a message “hi”. this turns into a few days of talking. I was in college at this point, definitely healed from the wounds he created, though I'm still very insecure about the things he pointed out. finally, I asked him, “can I know the truth?” it took him an hour to reply, and he said “tomorrow. I will tell you everything”

now, that weekend, my roommate’s friend was in town, and I wasn’t sure how that was going to be handled as she was staying in our dorm and I knew if what he would tell me was bad, I'd probably not leave my bed for days.

the day comes, and the first thing he does Is send a voice recording.

typing this part out still hurts, as I never let myself cope with what he told me. the rest of the story is old news and something I honestly don’t care about anymore, but this part just happened 6-7 months ago, and I still can hardly breathe when I think about it.

James was actually...Daniela. she was a 20 year old girl from Mexico who liked to role-play on Facebook as men. she never told anyone about it, and for some reason, instead of just telling me the truth when we decided to talk outside of our role-play characters, she lied to me. she made up WILDLY elaborate stories. I knew I couldn’t trust this person the whole time I was “dating” them, but this was another level. if you’re doing the math correctly, she also lied about her age by a few years, and our age difference was one of the many things that gave me anxiety throughout our “relationship”. 

I literally didn’t get out of bed for 11 hours. my roommate didn’t know what to do with her friend, but eventually I got up. I ended up with my fourth suicide attempt (the third was not mentioned in this story as it was not relevant to Finn/James/Dani). she Brought up the fact that she had told me (as James) that she thought she had cancer and it was very true. she still thought she did.

the next day, she acted as if everything was back to normal. as in, when we were dating. calling me baby, saying I love you. I was so pissed. but for some reason, she sweet-talked me into feeling like this was normal, and for a few days, I even went along with it. until one day, I snapped, and blocked her on everything (at this point I had gotten her snapchat too). I wanted nothing to do with her.

I unblocked her on facebook a day later for some reason, and she sent me 40 messages about how I betrayed her. my last message was “fuck off. I hope you die”.

brutal, but that was the last correspondence I have with her. and I fucking mean it. I hope nothing bad bad things happen to her. I'm still heartbroken over it, though not surprised. 

catfishing is very real, and while I knew what was happening th whole time, that doesn’t mean what happened was ok. I'm WAY better now, but the experience left me with trust issues, severe insecurities, a fear of talking about my mental illnesses because I assume I'll be judged, and a fear of getting close to people.

so yeah. there’s that. sorry about posting, but honestly, this was so therapeutic.

[thenerdyunhealthybrit]

Loneliness and Smoking: The Cost of desire to reconnect

Prompt: Met on the fire escape outside the apartment for smokes AU

A/N: Okay, quick little note, basically since last Summer I vowed to myself to get into FanFic writing. Little note, I did give it a go back in 2011 with Buffy/Angel and Charmed, but what happened was that I’d get hooked on a new show and lose motivation and the will to write more, this was on an old account which I’ve since forgotten the password and deleted the email account for it (But it’s DrBangelWho if anyone is curious about a 14 year old’s foray into FanFic). Anyway, I wrote a page of a FanFic I was writing when on holiday, but haven’t gotten back to it since on the holiday I got too busy (It was a Film Festival) and once again got distracted and Uni took over. So, this one is just for me to get into the swing of things. There is no planning, making it up on the spot and I took this prompt from the list of Prompts on the Klaroline FanFic directory. So wish me luck!

If you asked Caroline “where you’d see yourself in 10 years” when she was 15, she would have said “I would have graduated from Yale with a degree in journalism and anchoring the late-night news slot on CNN, gearing up for the prime-time slot when I’m thirty, and living with my future husband, Stefan”. Yeah, 15 year old Caroline was naïve, because here she is 25, single living in New York with Stefan, working as a hotel receptionist, her best friend and his latest “Epic Love” Ivy – Seriously he only met her two days ago and she’s already unofficially moved in. For all she knows, Ivy could be a psychopath ready to murder us in the night!

Currently, Caroline is stuck at the umpteenth weekly dinner, in attendance is her, Stefan who is fondling Ivy’s hands non-stop, Damon who is clearly trying to get off with Elena – Why Elena is married to him, Caroline doesn’t know and she does not understand why her friends and close to him, she tried to cut him out of her life but her friends just gain up on her – well, except Katherine, but she’s off endlessly travelling the globe. Bonnie use to but then Elena got to her, speaking of Bonnie she was here with my best friend from College and her boyfriend Enzo, but they had to leave because Bonnie’s daughter Emily was ill and their babysitter has school tomorrow. So basically Caroline is the third, well the fifth wheel in this disgusting orgy.

“I’m gonna barf” she muttered. She’s had enough, she needs a breather.

“I’m going to go out and grab some wine,” She told the group with a raised voice, they clearly didn’t notice, as Caroline opened the door “and drink it all myself.” She added, not bothering to be quiet about it. As she exited her apartment she shut the door and saw the fire escape and immediately climbed out the window and climbed up the top of the stairs near the roof.

“Hey,” Caroline said as she sat down.

“Sup” The sandy-haired man replied next to her. This has been happening for months, it started back in September when Caroline needed to escape from her mom visiting and Damon was doing his sleazy schmoozing with my mom and he was there, in her spot.

“Hey, move” Caroline snapped at him, she needed a cigarette and she needed one right now. He looked at me, smirk, chuckled and just sat there! “Buddy, listen I’m not in the mood, my mom is down in my flat, speaking to my roommate’s creep of a brother and asking me when I’m getting married and where my life is heading, so would you pretty pleased move your pretty ass elsewhere so I can have a cheeky little smoke before my mom tries to look for me.” She rambled.

He just sat there, Caroline could tell that he homed in on that “pretty ass” comment, she tried to not let her inner embarrassment show, he then stopped looking at me and started facing the skyline. “Asshole! Ugh!” Caroline muttered badly, and she walked out, she likes to smoke alone, that way she can hide the judgment and have alone time, she decided that she’d simply turn up later when he isn’t there.

This kept happening every other day, sometimes he would be there, other times she’d be there first, he refused to leave if Caroline was there first, and eventually, they developed a pattern. They’d just still by the fire escape at the top, and smoke, sometimes they shared if one of us ran out. No words were spoken, and they barely know anything about each other – Caroline only found out that he was British in December when they started communicating with one-worded syllables knowing nothing about each other.

“Give me that,” she said as she snatched the cigarette out of his hands. Okay, she’s in a very bad mood. She could tell that he was slightly annoyed by her tone, but Caroline tonight didn’t care. Her life is going nowhere, and she’s never felt so alone in her life.

“What has your boyfriend done this time?” He quipped to her, although there was an unexplained tone to it, something was up, she couldn’t tell what.

As Caroline breathed out the smoke, “What? Boyfriend?” This is new territory, where did this come from? What is he on about? “Stefan? Oh god no! I mean, when I met him at school, yeah I was attracted to him, but it literally died the next day when he started talking about his hero hair to me, I’ve learnt to never date a guy that would rather talk about his hair and other girls, than you.” She scoffed as she said it. “I mean, his hair isn’t even that great, you know?”

She could have sworn that she heard him say “Good”. “So, what has gotten yourself into a twist then?” He said hesitantly.

“I’m sorry, but what is going on?” She had to ask confusingly, they don’t do this. They smoke in silence and go their own way. This is how she likes it, no one can judge her. “I’m not going to unload myself to some stranger- ”

“I’m not a stranger” he cut her off.

“Or some guy whose name I don’t know.” She sharply responded.

“Klaus” he answered, just as Caroline finished her sentence.

“Caroline” She countered. “I’m not going to tell you.” He continued looking at her, he even started to rest his elbows on his knees and hands under his chin. Arrogant ass. He looks at her knowingly.

“Fine!” she shouted at him. Klaus started to smirk. “Wipe that smirk off, you ass!” He didn’t, or he did but he didn’t stop smiling. Caroline took her time, how is she going to explain this. “I hate my life okay. All my friends are in long-term relationships, know what they are doing or are Stefan. And my life sucks about, I have a degree in Journalism, I thought I’d be working at a news station by now, my roommate is inconsiderate and selfish, he dates all these women, proclaim them as the love of his life, they move in, I have to clean up the mess, then they break up and it’s just rinse and repeat. Then I just had it up to here with his brother, he is not just an ass, he is a fucking dickhead, who had consistently done beyond shitty things and my friends know that he has done this and what he has done to m- but don’t care. Meanwhile, my mom is complaining about my job as a receptionist, wanting me to move home, asking if I found someone – man or women, she says I can’t be choosy anymore – and I’m just at breaking point, I’m wondering why am I here, because there is nothing for me in New York, I have a degree which is useless, a job I hate and I’m not even sure if I want a career in journalism anymore!” Caroline ranted and rambled, it started off quiet but as she vented, her confidence grew. As she finished, however, her confidence suddenly shrank and now she was embarrassed, he probably thinks that it was petty and a spoilt brat and now he’d never want her company again. “I’m sorry,” she said nervously as she changed her tune. “I’ve gotta go” she handed him the cigarette quickly and raced back down to her flat completely embarrassed.

“Caroline” she heard him say, but right now she didn’t care.

It’s been 5 days since that incident, and she hasn’t gone back up there since, opting to smoke on her way home from work instead. Stefan has broken up with Ivy, who did not take it well – there were slaps and tears. Caroline would have laughed if one of those slaps weren’t directed at her as she accused her of turning Stefan against her. He’s now moved onto Valerie, she’s saner but more standoffish, cold, unapproachable, Caroline honestly doesn’t care about Stefan’s “loves” anymore. “Hey, blondie!” Damon snarked – Elena and him have temporarily moved in while their flat is getting fixed after it got flooded.

“Don’t call me that.” She snapped. It was only her and Damon.

“Aww, come on, Carebear, don’t be like that I thought we were friends.” He teasingly answered.

“Are you kidding me, in what world would I seriously be friends with you after what you did.” She shot back. Is he for real? She is not in the mood today and he was just making her mad, madder than she’s been in a long time.

“Okay, we had some fun in high school. You regretted it afterwards, caused some usual drama, I’m over it” He light-heartedly answered, trying to go in for a hug. Something in Caroline switched.

“Are you fucking kidding me! We did not have some ‘fun’ as you eloquently put it. You know what I did and I weren’t lying when I told Elena 7 years ago.”

“Hang on, you said yes!” Damon cut in as he sobered up.

“No. I may have said yes at first, but then you started verbally assaulting me, telling me I was weak and pathetic. I don’t tend to want to sleep with guys that speak to me like crap. I withdrew my consent, I said no, you wouldn’t accept it, you wouldn’t let me go. You…you…” She couldn’t say the words, she never could she knew what he did, but she couldn’t say it to him, by saying it, she goes back to being that 18 year old girl. “…And afterwards, you continued to verbally abuse me, until you got with Elena and I don’t know how, but you got everyone to forgive you, to think it’s alright. 'Oh, Caroline just needs to move on. Caroline just needs to toughen up. Well, she was all over Damon, she got what she wanted’ and you know what I did toughen up, I tried to deal with it because I weirdly wanted my friends’ happiness above myself. I’m done. Fuck you, Damon.” She then stormed out of the apartment.

“Wait why did I storm out, it’s my apartment.” She muttered to herself outside the door, well she can’t go back in, kind of negates her power moment there. She snuck out the fire escape and saw that it was empty. Perfect. She sat in her usual spot, it was weird, she didn’t realise how empty she felt, sitting by herself, as she lit her cigarette and as she took a smoke, “I should really quit” she spoke to herself.

“You’ve been avoiding me” Caroline stopped smoking, she heard a voice above her, not just any voice, a particular cocky, annoying voice. With a god damn sexy – very sexy – British accent. She looked up.

“Hey, the roof is banned remember!?” She shouted, trying to avoid the subject. This was not the plan.

“I’ve been here every day you know. I wanted to check if you were alright, but you never came.” Klaus confronted her, Caroline could detect a bit of a sad tone in his voice, she immediately felt guilty, she tried to explain. “No, don’t talk, I want to show you something.” He added and he reached for her hand, to help her up on the roof. As she turned around, she saw the most beautiful thing ever. There were fairy lights hung up everywhere, a tartan blanket on the floor, accompanied by a picnic basket. She never thought that a roof in a cheap apartment building could look so stunning. “I…er…know that you feel that your life sucks, and you might be going through a bit of a crisis. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted you to feel better, even if it’s more a moment.” He explained nervously, Caroline found it weird as his arrogant demeanour was gone and was replaced by a nervous schoolboy as he looked down, scratching his neck.“

"Thanks.” Caroline answered. Touched. She proceeded to sit on the blanket. “Well, aren’t you going to pour me a drink?” she quipped at him. Caroline couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Was he shocked? A smile formed, and he proceeded to sit down.

They talked for hours, they lost track of time, there was a lot of laughter, Caroline has not had this much fun in years, she forgot everything that was going on in her life. She checked her phone and saw it was 10pm, “It’s 10. We should probably…” She gently said to him, after a period of blissful silence.

“Right.” He answered. He started to pack everything away, Caroline decided to help, after they were done, they headed down the fire escape back into the apartment building. They realised that they didn’t want to leave each other’s company and took the long route back down. They just walked in silence, having never felt this much calm in years. They reached Klaus’s apartment first. “So…” he said as he broke the silence.

“So…” she was starting to feel awkward. Nervous and awkward, why does this feel like a first date?

“As he put the key into his door, "Umm…I had a lot of fun, do you want to do this again? But like properly?” He was nervous again. Caroline found it cute, but strangely was missing the cocky Klaus she has known for months.

“I had fun to do, umm…yeah okay,” Caroline answered. Caroline knew that she was starting to blush, but right now she didn’t care.

“Ok, cool.” He answered with a slight smile. They were in silence once again. Do they hug? Kiss? Why are they suddenly acting like they have never dated people before?

“I’m going to let you go.” Caroline answered, partly to fill in the silence, but also to end it, if one of them didn’t stop, she didn’t know how long they’d be standing in the hallway in silence. Klaus turns the keys in the keyhole and opened the door. Caroline could see the old Klaus return, he had a sense of renewed confidence, with one foot in the door, he turned around and immediately kissed a surprised Caroline on the lips. It was gentle and very charged, they kept being pulled into this their own personal bubble, this kiss wasn’t about lust or sex. It was about the beginning of something. Something special. Something great. Klaus stopped the kiss but Caroline didn’t want to. She kept her eyes closed a little longer, she could feel his smirk burning through her closed eyes, so Caroline opened them.

“Bye” Klaus grinned, the asshole. He’s back to his normal self, which infuriated Caroline. Not because he was being an ass. It was because she was still attracted to him. Just as Klaus was about to close the door, she heard a second voice from inside the flat.

“Oh good, you finally asked her out. It only took you four months!” a feminine, also British voice shouted through the flat. Klaus went red, he was mortified, Caroline started to laugh. Oh, how the tables have turned.

She continued laughing, until she remembered what she heard, “Wait a sec, 4 months!”

A/N: Okay, that’s it, folks. I know that I left some open bits. Basically, I wanted to leave it open for a potential sequel but from Klaus’s POV, one which would address Damon more and give that a conclusion. I just had to include it based on what happened in TVD, I couldn’t ignore it when I mentioned Damon, but at the same time, I didn’t want the whole one-shot to be about that. As I said, I wanted to leave a lot open for a potential sequel. I know a lot isn’t resolved and it was done purposely because as I wrote it, I realised that I wanted to explore that period of adulthood, between when you leave College and went you really hit adulthood and you are kind of lost.

Review, like do it all. Constructive criticism is appreciated, I wrote this on the spot, to try and get through a little stumbling block so I can write more, I haven’t written in years. So reviews would be greatly appreciated.

[maggieisalarrie]

Titles: L

Learning to Breathe by youcomecrash (111k)

He’s playing football at one of the top universities in England and he should love everything about his life right now, but instead he’s moving backwards. How does your past fit into your present? Louis is still figuring it out.

led by your beating heart by missandrogyny (29k)

Nick leans over. "Oh," he says, his voice smug. "Who is that?"

Harry just blinks at his phone. "Um," he manages to stammer out.

"Who's that, Harry?" Nick asks again, but this time he raises his eyebrows and smirks. Harry knows Nick is just teasing, and that he's not really looking for new Harry Styles gossip, but, um. He might have found something. Accidentally.

Harry opens his mouth to speak, but all that comes out is another 'um'. He really needs to work on translating his thoughts into words. But then it probably wouldn't be any helpful right now, would it? His mind is as blank as a newly erased etch-a-sketch.

"Oh," Nick says again, this time gleefully, seemingly having picked up on Harry's distress. "Looks like we've got a story here! Are you going to call or delete her number?"

Her number. So Nick thinks it's a girl. Well, Harry can't blame him: 'Lou' is kind of an androgynous nickname. His stylist's name is Lou.

But this Lou, well, Louis, he's kind of, really, really not a girl. He's really pretty though, which, is something.

(Or: AU where Harry's in One Direction, Louis isn't, and they reconnect over a game of 'Call or Delete'.)

Lego House by danceinstylinson (144k)

Louis Tomlinson was just about at the end of his rope, caught up in the mess he’d created for himself, stranded at the center of a maze. Harry Styles was doing just fine the way thing were. He worked at night and slept through the day. He made enough money to just get by. Everything was fine. But one night seemed to change everything. Coming from very opposite sides of town, the two boys meet. One saves the other in more ways than one, and though neither expect a future extended past sunrise, fate seems to have other plans….

lightning before the thunder by delsicle (29k)

Harry came from one of the most powerful lines of fire mages in the country. He was supposed to be a natural at magic, a prodigy, even.

But instead he was in the X-Factor contestant house kitchen at two in the morning, wearing only his pants, and he had just set the stove on fire while making snacks for his bandmates and the boy he was in love with.

like an animal (i wanna feel you from the inside) by bottomlinsons (grimgrace) (4k)

Louis leans a little closer. It’s not difficult – not with the way he’s already pressed so close, straddling Harry’s hard hips with Harry’s equally hard dick nestled tightly between his cheeks.

The paramedic clears his throat and looks away.

(Harry and Louis get a little stuck. Literally.)

Like an Endless Summer by objectlesson (87k)

“You just wanna go fawn over Styles as soon as possible,” Zayn grumbles.

“I do not. Plus, he probably got ugly this year. Eighteen is an awkward time…I bet he’s got acne and one of those terrible fuckboy haircuts all the hipsters are getting these days, with the shaved sides? Just watch, the first year we’re gonna get any time together is gonna be the first year I don’t have a stupid crush on him.”

—

Or, Louis is a riding instructor at a summer camp, and Harry is a fellow counselor who he’s been successfully managing his crush on for the last two summers. That is, until Harry shows up this year leveled up and lethal, and all Louis’s formerly perfected veneer of nonchalance melts like a popsicle in the sun.

Like Candy In My Veins by littlelouishiccups (32k)

“Um…” Harry said slowly after a moment. “Okay. That’s… this is… Let me get this straight.” He lifted up a hand and swallowed. “You told your family that you have a boyfriend… and my name was the first one you thought of?”

“Harry Potter was on TV, alright? It wasn’t that much of a stretch.” Louis pinched the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t believe he was explaining himself to Harry fucking Styles. He couldn’t believe he was stooping this low. “Forget it. I’m sorry I even thought about bringing you into this.”

Harry snorted. “What? Did you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend or something?” (Basically the A/B/O, enemies to lovers, fake relationship, Christmas AU that nobody asked for.)

like how your hands feel me up and down by ballsdeepinjesus (8k)

“How do I look?” Harry asks lowly. He turns around and gestures towards the unzipped back of his skirt for him to help. Louis stumbles forward and places a cold hand on the exposed side of Harry’s stomach, steadying him while he pulls the zipper up the rest of the way. He pushes Harry back into the dressing room and stands behind him in front of the mirror. “It’s -- you’re tight,” Louis chokes. “It’s tight, I mean. It’s. Yes.” His hand is curved around his hip now, squeezing lightly.

“Tight’s good, right?” Harry murmurs, batting his eyelashes. He almost can’t believe himself.

“Very good,” Louis grunts.

[louis works in a halloween shop and harry needs a costume]

Like to Keep You Laughing by kikikryslee (13k)

Louis gasped. “Are you straight? Oh, I'm sorry, man. You should’ve just told me; I would’ve left you alone.” “No, no, that’s not it," Harry said. "I like guys. I definitely like guys.” “OK…” “Louis, I’m ace.” Louis snorted. “Kind of full of yourself, aren’t you?” --- Or, the one where Louis is a frat boy who likes to hook up and Harry is someone who doesn't hook up ever.

Little White Lies by xxSterre (13k)

"I lied when I got my job.

I told them I had a kid so I could leave early 'to pick him up from day care', to take him to doctors appointments and occasionally miss a day 'when he's sick'. Long story short – I'm in too deep. I didn't think this through.

Looking to rent a kid for bring your child to work day. Must be a boy aged 4 to 6 with curly hair who plays soccer, essentially he has to look like the stock photo in the frame on my desk. Also must be artistic as the macaroni noodle drawings I made seem a little advanced for someone his age. He also needs to respond to 'my Little Picasso' as that's what my spouse and I call him. Also I will pay extra for someone willing to play the role of my spouse when dropping him off. His name is James, he's named after his grandpa and he's a defense attorney who often brings his work home.

You know what, just message me for the details, serious inquiries only. H."

Or, the AU based off of that one Craigslist post - how a little white lie takes on an enormous snowball effect, that might accidentally include a Tomlinson too.

Part 1 of Little White Lies

little wings on my shoes by juliusschmidt (39k)

You have C Lunch?” Louis asks, peering over at Harry's work. The problem Harry’s just finished is printed neatly, the correct answer circled. Harry’s finger marks the next problem in his book as he copies it onto the page. It doesn’t look like he’s stealing the answers out of the back. Nice.

He’s dimpled and smart.

And probably gay.

[The American High School AU in which no one is cool (except Niall) and Harry wears a rainbow bracelet.]

Lonely King by Lustforfrosting (40k)

When Louis' parents pass away in a car accident, he inherits a cottage in the woods of Scotland. He ends up spending the summer there; unraveling secrets, mending bonds and creating memories with his best friends.

Lost in You by loviedovielou (16k)

Harry is nineteen and thinks kissing is weird. This is his first problem, but certainly not his last.

love is a word (you gave it a name) by hattalove (21k)

“It’s worth it anyway,” says Harry, looking into Louis’s eyes. He’s untucked his hair from behind his ear, and it falls down in silky strands to obscure his face. He looks so painfully young, even after everything. Louis’s strong, strong boy. “Just for the two of us. We get to be selfish for a little while.”

it's christmas. in between snowman building, tree shopping, and ill-advised skating on a frozen lake, louis and harry get ready to take the most important step of their lives.

love with every stranger, the stranger the better by leighbot (9k)

He looks over the books in front of him and then- past them- to his laptop charging on his desk, taunting him about the two essays he’s got to start on in order to finish them both on time.

He definitely doesn’t have time for a party.

Or, the one where Niall drags Louis to a campus fancy dress party and Louis channels his inner Green Lantern to approach the lad he's been crushing on all year.

Love’s Truest Language by summerwine (48k)

The first part was meant as a joke. He didn’t really expect Harry to buy anything. It was just Louis’ way of softening the ‘get the fuck out’ blow.

“Where’s your order forms, then?”

“I don’t want your flowers.” Louis chided before directing all of his attention to the arrangement in front of him.

Harry laughed under his breath as he stood to his full height, “Who said anything about them being for you, love?”

Loving You Is Free by littlelouishiccups (68k)

Louis is a workaholic record label CEO who hasn't been on a date in nearly a year. Niall and Liam make an account for him on a sugar dating website as a joke. And then Louis meets Harry.

Part 1 of Loving You Is Free

Last edited: September 6, 2017

Done here? Go back to my Recommended Fics → 

[breatheinthesea]

Truth, set me free

If you’re reading this right now, I assume you’re coming from my video or you just happen to be among the few thousand who still follow this account- 

either way, and regardless of if you know me personally or not, I just have to start off by saying thank you. A genuine thank you- one that could make me cry just thinking about. I know anyone who couldn’t give a rats ass about me or my life wouldn’t be here, so by default, I’m guessing (secretly hoping) the rest of you do. Anyway, thank you for reading this. I know it’s long as hell and will take up some of your minutes here on earth, and that’s important to me, that you chose to be here rather than anywhere else. I want it to be like we’re sitting on the bed talking like best friends do when they really need to open up about something that’s been hurting them, even if I’m a complete stranger or just another “youtuber” to you. And speaking of best friends, I haven’t really fully opened up to mine about what’s been going on, so if you’re reading, I’m sorry for being so distant this past year and a half, and I hope this blog post helps everyone and anyone in whatever way it can. It will surely be helping me.

So, where to begin? is the question I am haunted by every time I think about actually writing this blog post. I begin obsessing over the starting point and then never end up starting, which can be so utterly frustrating. I have a thousand thoughts racing through my head, it’s hard enough to grab onto one, let alone place it in the perfect sequence. While writing used to ease my mind, now I am just overwhelmed by the never-ending options of words to use, opportunities to make run-on sentences, and ways to say everything I wish I would’ve said differently. I over-analyze every sentence, read it over and over and have to convince myself not to delete it. So as you can imagine, I’ve avoided any kind of writing lately- journaling, blogging, texting friends and emailing companies back, etc… You get the idea. Basically, something I used to love has turned into a struggle, something I avoid like the plague. And my mentioning this is to make a comparison of what my life’s turned into- something I used to love and now completely struggle to manage on a daily basis.

If you happened to sit through my agonizingly long video titled “Where Have I Been?”, then you’re probably already familiar with the fact that I’ve struggled with mental illness for a while now. If you didn’t watch it, and don’t want to, I basically explained that in the beginning of 2015, I began losing myself. I started questioning my religion that I had put my entire identity into, thus launching me into an identity and existential crisis, which I couldn’t really recognize at the time and surely didn’t know how to process. I felt extreme guilt, shame, and self-hatred for not being the person I thought I was for so many years, and who others expected me to be. I only confided in very few people, and they all told me to just keep praying and trying to mend my relationship with God, and when that didn’t work, I felt obligated to wear a mask of certainty to compensate for how terrified I was of actually admitting I didn’t know what I believed. It was exhausting and painful to keep up that facade, especially being so formerly open and confident about it online.

Now that I’ve spent the time analyzing exactly what happened and asking myself “where did it all go wrong?”, I’ve discovered the questioning and doubting actually began in 2013. I just couldn’t handle it anymore after two years of feeling like a fake, a sinner, a liar, and a person who was surely going to hell if I had died. And as it goes, those internalized emotions that I had been bottling up for years eventually manifested into harming myself in a desperate attempt to get the people around me to realize I was not okay. And it worked. I got the attention I desired, and it quickly turned into an obsession that I had not prepared myself for at all. I always believed I was in control of it, but just like with any addiction, it soon took control over me. I was powerless to the urges and addicted to the rush. I started cutting on February 7th, 2015 and didn’t stop until October 5th- 3 trips to the ER, 25 stitches, and 4 days in a psych ward later. It was the worst time of my life, and I was sure I had hit rock bottom.

Nope haha.

After months of therapy, I thought things were starting to look up. I moved out of my apartment that encased those terrible memories, and planned to start completely fresh. I was determined to get happy again. I began embracing the unknown and started aligning my actions with my morals. I discovered veganism and realized what I had been missing my entire life. I started smoking marijuana again after 5 years of demonizing it, which in turn helped keep me away from the heavy drinking which was a major trigger for my self-harm (I finally quit after cutting through a nerve that made me lose feeling in half my forearm.) I moved into an even bigger apartment, started dating someone who thought like I did, and spent all my time and energy trying to control and perfect every aspect of my life to make up for the years I felt I had wasted. I made my beauty room white and sparkly like everyone else’s, bought a better camera, new lighting, a monitor, a green screen, a new microphone, etc… and once everything was perfect in my eyes, I vowed to my subscribers that I was back, that “2016 would be my bitch”.

Nope again haha.

I still felt empty. I still wasn’t satisfied. I was still filling a void. While I attempted to make everything around me perfect, I just felt more and more imperfect. Thoughts of being incompetent, a failure, not good enough, and a waste of talent were all I could focus on. Filming gave me anxiety like I had never experienced before, and I was never satisfied with any video I tried to produce. My heart was simply no longer in it because the perfectionism I acquired inhibited any form of enjoyment that I formerly got from creating youtube videos. And this shattered me, because I had no plan B. I had no college degree to fall back on, no other passions, this was it for me. So I pushed on, and tried my best, but fell short over and over. The shame of not feeling capable of doing a job I used to be in love with, and that others would kill for and find incredibly easy, weighed on me every day like a ton of bricks. I watched other youtuber’s execute videos so flawlessly and passionately and instead of getting inspired, I became crippled with envy and decided I could never be as talented, as professional, as funny, as naturally beautiful as them, and this was so disheartening coming from a person who used to make videos called “how to be confident”. I realized that while I had recognized that I lost myself somewhere along the way, I never truly found myself, and still haven’t. I got swept up in my own depression, leaning solely on my boyfriend to make me happy, and we all know that doesn’t and cannot work for the benefit of both people in a relationship. I became attached, overly dependent, extremely jealous and it only caused more pain. I had so much negative energy, it was like carrying a cloud around me where anyone who came close would just suffocate with me.

Of course, I didn’t want to feel this way, and I noticed the only time I felt okay with myself was when I was high. So I stayed high. My addictive personality leached onto this plant like it was my new savior. I couldn’t stand being sober, because it revealed how miserable I was inside. I wasn’t willing or simply didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, and it got worse and worse as I continued to self-medicate and ignore the root cause of my depression and anxiety for months. I tried medication after medication and the up’s and downs from those side effects were truly unbearable at times. There were weeks where I didn’t enjoy anything or even recognize myself. My favorite foods didn’t appeal to me and all I wanted to do was sleep where I finally felt safe in a dream. I remember listening to music and there wasn’t a single song that made me feel anything. Nothing. It’s like I was a robot, just a body with no soul inside. I remember walking into my mom’s house one day and not recognizing her face. I remember getting my skirt altered for my best friend’s wedding and I was just staring out the window thinking “I’m not real. None of this is real.” I often felt like I was tripping and had to have someone convince me I was a real person, in a real world. My perception of reality would become so distorted. It sent me into panic, I would have severe episodes of rage and confusion and no one would know what to do about it or how to help me. This happened multiple times a week for a period of time. This is the type of shit that convinces people to kill themselves because they lose any attachment to themselves or outer world. It was the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced, and partially why I’ve sworn against anti-depressants and mood stabilizers for a while.

My life felt like it was falling apart, and well, it pretty much was. My income was decreasing at an alarming rate due to the fact that I was barely filming videos and terminated all contracts with any companies that tested on animals (all of them). I spent my money so carelessly because I never imagined that with this job I could ever fall back into debt. I was financially stable for so many years and expected that to be the case for a long time, but I was very wrong. The last month of living in my apartment I had to ask another Youtuber to loan me money to pay my rent, which was incredibly embarrassing and shameful for me, but thank god for kind and generous friends. I moved back into my moms house in October and my depression, anxiety and manic episodes continued full force.

I’m getting anxious at this point, biting my cuticles like a mad man trying to make sure my story comes across accurately. I’ve been putting this off for so long that now I just want it done and over with so I can move forward. But I don’t want to forget anything, or not include the important details of what’s been happening. But then again, I’m in control of this, and I think I just need to hurry it up. So, long story short, things got even worse once I moved home, which I didn’t think was possible. I was still smoking every day, my relationship with my mom was turning very ugly with almost every conversation ending in “fuck you” instead of “I love you.” I barely left my room and was sleeping more than any normal person should. My rage was at an all time high. We found a different psychiatrist to do some intensive testing on me, and after 4 hours of questioning, it was revealed to me that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. This was relieving and shocking all at the same time. I didn’t know what that “disorder” was when I first found out, but once I researched more, I realized I definitely acquired it somewhere along the way, and this was somewhat good news because now we at least had some direction to go in as far as treating it.

I started therapy again but it just wasn’t enough. I was still an emotional roller coaster every day, with no ambition to help myself and still completely reliant on marijuana to mellow me out. Everything overwhelmed me, everything scared me, and nothing was good enough. I would just stare at my walls and genuinely want to be dead. I was consumed by negative thoughts, and felt there was no way out. That’s when I decided to go to treatment.

I’ve been in treatment since January 25th. I go to a psychiatric facility every single day for 7 hours, and will for another month. We focus on DBT therapy and so far I’ve seen some improvement. I no longer have the manic episodes, and I’m learning how to control my anger in healthier ways. I’ve been sober for 67 days and will remain so for the duration of my treatment. I’ve met some pretty amazing people there, and just the structure and routine of it has been something I’ve needed for a long time. I don’t consider it a “cure” and my mental illnesses are something I will have to battle for a long, long time. Maybe even the rest of my life. But I can see the light now when for months all I saw was darkness. I’ve started reading books again and have fallen in love with learning and expanding the horizons of my mind. I’ve realized that nothing is the same as it was and nothing should ever be the same as it was. I am constantly growing and constantly becoming. I know now that I had a very abrupt spiritual awakening when I couldn’t yet comprehend that I was wakening, and it has proven to be the most important challenge in my life thus far, and for that, I am grateful.

As far as Youtube goes, all I can say is I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I have shit to say and minds to reach. I am working day in and day out to overcome my perfectionism and anxiety so I can return to Youtube as the absolute best version of myself. It will take time. It will take patience on both ends. I have to re-learn how to love myself and I’m sure some of you can relate to that. But I’m just so fucking thankful the universe gave me this job and this platform that I get to come back to when I feel ready. I know not everyone has agreed or understood why I can’t just film myself putting on makeup, but I hope this blog post has helped you realize why. When you get an illness, you take time off of work. When you get a mental illness, you should 100% do the same. It was me against myself the entire time. I don’t know exactly when, but I stopped loving myself and it crushed my spirit, crushed everything I had ever loved, including Youtube. And don’t get me started on the overwhelming amounts of guilt for not using my platform to spread the vegan message. That’s a whole other story.

Meditation, DBT skills, books, and TED talks are about the only things keeping me sane right now. I’ve had to accept the fact that I’m a work in progress and I hope everyone else can too. We’re all struggling with something. Life is fucking hard. But I’ve survived my darkest days and know that the only direction I can go from here is up and that is exciting. But I am still scuffling for stability, especially financially. I know it’s been obvious with the sporadic sponsored videos but for right now, that is just the reality of it. I need money to stay afloat just like you do, and I’m trying my best to stay true to myself in the process, but it has been very compromising. I’m still trying to figure this all out. And I appreciate those of you who are understanding and defend my integrity in those situations where it is questioned. I get it, though, and I’m going to make it up to you. It is my goal to return to my channel as a new evolved being, with a passion for makeup artistry and MANY other things. I am completely open for suggestions when it comes to future content, but I won’t be reading comments for a while until I know I can handle it. My friends and family will be reporting back to me with requests and constructive criticism so we can still stay connected.

I can’t believe I’m about to end this post when I never thought I’d see it come to completion. What a weight it was to carry. I feel so relieved and so happy to have gotten this off my chest and into the abyss of the universe. I cannot predict what this will mean or what it will do for someone, but my hope is that it is a catalyst for support, love, and positive endeavors moving forward. I will not return to social media if I cannot do it wholeheartedly. I must be unapologetically myself as I am still learning who that is, so it will be interesting haha. For the first time in a while, I am excited for the future. I hope y’all are too. Thank you immensely for your unconditional support and friendship. Despite everything, I know I am very blessed.

Thank you for reading. 

“Transformation isn't sweet or bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A complete uprooting before becoming.” 

[soulcollector0100-blog]

Kailey Fens Vs Pinterest

IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF CALIFORNIA, ORANGE COUNTY Kailey Fens         Plaintiff Address Sealed                                                            Case #:    ______________                   v. Pinterest 808 Brannan Street San Francisco, CA 94103.                     Defendant                                                                 COMPLAINT PLAINTIFF, Kailey Fens, comes this day, November 3rd, 2017, pro se, and for the reasons and causes for his Complaint, states as follows:                           COUNT I: BREACH OF CONTRACT            1. Plaintiff, KF, created a Pinterest profile in 2014 near Christmas time. My Pinterest page was very popular and if I give myself a complaint enjoyable to view. I temporarily closed it in 2016 due to my grandfather passing and other things going on in my life. It was a rough patch that lasted about 4-6 weeks.            2. There is a two step process in deactivating your Pinterest profile. I only did one which was click the deactivation button on the site. There is or was suppose to be another deactivation button finalizing deactivation sent by email which I purposefully never clicked. I have an emotional attachment to those boards.  . They changed settings so that clicking deactivate on the website automatically deactivates your Pinterest pages and starts the two week time limit to my knowledge of permanently   deactivating the pinterest page.            3. I was not aware of the change till after the  two week time period has passed I missed it by approximately two weeks if I’m not mistaken. I was notified my Pinterest was permanently deleted.            4. I did send a message to Pinterest letting them know I wanted my boards back and I was not aware of the settings change. At the time it crossed my mind to talk to the CEO or someone in management but I did not want to step on toes. But I would have been right in doing so because it would appear done purposefully and maliciously. to delete my boards.            5. At that point two weeks had surpassed the timeline. They probably still had  my boards sitting in their face. A year has passed at this point and is probably more work but it is not my problem considering they had the opportunity to do the right thing a year ago when I requested it be done.            6. I hate to be boastful but it appears Pinterest may be jealous or have a personal interest in my boards closing. I have contacted them in recent days preceding this complaint giving them opportunity to once again recover my boards peacefully without courts or judges being involved but they refuse I will post all correspondence in this complaint. I will be adding monetary damages because while I agree now a year later it may be work to RECOVER MY boards, OVER 20 I will add here ,its till cheaper then going to court. And it appears deleting my board was done maliciously.  And it’s a compliment I love the site. Its speaks of mean spirited and ill-intentioned people that this can’t be handled peacefully. Summary of Events and Relief follows, See Attached.                                                Respectfully submitted,                                                _____________________                                                Kailey Fens, Plaintiff                                                 Write a short and plain statement of the claim. Do not make legal arguments. State as briefly as possible the facts showing that each plaintiff is entitled to the damages or other relief sought. State how each defendant was involved and what each defendant did that caused the plaintiff harm or violate the plaintiff’s rights including the dates and places of that involvement or conduct. If more than one claim is asserted, number each claim and write a short and plain statement of each claim in a separate paragraph. Attach additional pages if needed. Note Only Pinterest Will have a COPY of the original message as it was sent through the website. I only have a copy of the response. I did inquire about the settings change and that I wanted my boards back but I got generic answers.  Nevermind Found Both.                                                 7/15/16

to Pinterest

sobbing. unconsolable. On Fri, Jul 15, 2016 at 2:03 PM, Pinterest Help <help@pinterest.zendesk.com> wrote: ##- Please type your reply above this line -##

Help Center

Hi Keyonna, This is just a reminder that there's a response to your question. If it solved your problem, great! You can ignore this reminder and your ticket will solve in 24 hours. If it didn't, just respond to this message with any other helpful info. Here's a reminder of our response: Zendesk (Pinterest Help) Jul 14, 12:04 PDT Hi Keyonna, If you haven't seen this in our help center yet, learn how to deactivate or close your account here. If you can't get into your account to deactivate it, try resetting your password by going to https://pinterest.com/login/ and clicking Forgot your password?� Permanently closing your account means that you won't be able to get your Pins or boards back. While your public profile will be deactivated immediately, it will take 14 days for your account to be permanently closed. If you change your mind before the 14 days are up, log in with your email and password, and well send you a link to reactivate your account. To permanently close your account: - Log into Pinterest and go to your profile - Tap the Gear menu and select Account settings - Select Deactivate Account, then Permanently close my account These steps may differ slightly if you're using an Android or iOS device. If youre still having trouble, reply to this email and let us know. Thanks, The Pinterest Team

7/14/16

to noreply

So I did close my account but I never clicked the close account in my email I kind thought it would still be open is there anyway to reopen the account On Fri, Jun 17, 2016 at 12:35 AM, Pinterest <noreply@account.pinterest.com> wrote: More info: You got this…

Closing your account is permanent, so we just want to make sure you’re ready to leave. We’ll close your account after 14 days. If you change your mind before 14 days are up, log in with your email and password and we’ll send you a link to reactivate your account. Yes, close account   More info:

You got this email because someone asked to close your Pinterest account. If this wasn't you, you should reset your password. If you need any help, get in touch at our Help Center.

Get creative on Pinterest Re: [Pinterest Help] Re: Complaint/Account Reactivation

Fri, Oct 6, 2017 4:51 am

----Klmnopqr (----)To:help+id3654602 Details I Will b adding damages since it appears the on the spot change to account deactivation made it so that I cold not reactive my account. Me emailing and allowing you to fix it on your own behalf was a gift if e have to go to court I'm demanding 10 million plus court and attorney fees. Its not money I want but it gives me proves pintrested has a personal interest in seeing my account deleted. I will also be making yo do what could be done for free reactivate my account. You can talk shop to any person on the street but I'm smarter than you obviously. Sad fucking companies think because they run accompany they can throw commons sense in the trash. t would be untillgent not to have a server of account on hand. I'm really not believing you. You will not have a pinterest fucking with me. I could be mean spirited and go AFTER your company. -----Original Message----- From: Pinterest <help@pinterest.zendesk.com> To: Elle ELLE <aseptembera@aol.com> Sent: Fri, Oct 6, 2017 3:20 am Subject: [Pinterest Help] Re: Complaint/Account Reactivation ##- Please type your reply above this line -##

Pinterest Support

Aaron (Pinterest Help) Oct 6, 03:20 PDT Hey Elle, Thanks for getting back in touch. After an account is deactivated it takes 14 days for the account to be permanently removed. After this time the account cannot be retrieved. I'm sorry if this is upsetting but please feel free to start a new Pinterest account at your own convenience. You may even be able to find some of your old Pins by searching for related characteristics. Let me know if you need any further help. Best, Aaron | Pinterest

Elle ELLE Oct 5, 15:00 PDT I was already given the pro quo the normal spill but one that's a company I'm sure there is a server. I'm sure you have some copy if not my profile sitting at your disposal. It would be stupid not have a back up of sorts. It is a SUIT at this point because pinterest purposefully changed settings to avoid me reactivatng my account. A year later it might be difficult but two weeks after the deadline your spill is bullshit. Please pass this along to whomever runs pinterest and let him decide if he wants to be sued. You have till Friday of next week to prove an answer before you are sued. Up to you. I'm a legal professional so don't take what I say lightly or underestimate my intelligence. Id assume at the very least you have a sever a back up of pinterest of sorts. That's the worst case scenario. The game you are playing I'm not in the mood for. Please do not pass this email along to another paid ROBOT pass it along to someone who ha say so in the company's profit and the FUTURE of pinterest. I agree its petty but thi should have been handled a year ago/ When I emailed in about reactivating it. My grandafather died along with other bullshit was happening which cause me to close it. You have 7 days to come to your senses. Abcdefghij Klmnopqr aseptembera@aol.com -----Original Message----- From: Pinterest <help@pinterest.zendesk.com> To: Elle ELLE <aseptembera@aol.com> Sent: Thu, Oct 5, 2017 8:33 am Subject: [Pinterest Help] Re: Complaint/Account Reactivation

Aaron (Pinterest Help) Oct 5, 08:33 PDT Hey Elle, Thanks for getting in touch. Sorry for the trouble! I was unable to find any account linked to Keyonna.l.ferrell@gmail.com. After an account is permanently deactivated it cannot be retrieved. I'm very sorry as I'm sure you put a lot of effort into making your account. Thanks for your understanding. Aaron | Pinterest

Elle ELLE Oct 4, 19:08 PDT I made it very clear what I AM requesting. I did not mince words. Pass this email along to your creator or whomever is in charge or reactivatin OLD accounts past the deadline. You have 7 days for an adequate response before I file a suit. This is EASY. We can do it the hard way or the easy way up to you. My old email address is Keyonna.l.ferrell@gmail.com That was was the old account that was deleted in 2016. Abcdefghij Klmnopqr aseptembera@aol.com -----Original Message----- From: Pinterest <help@pinterest.zendesk.com> To: Elle ELLE Sent: Wed, Oct 4, 2017 7:19 am Subject: RE: Complaint/Account Reactivation

Elle ELLE Oct 4, 07:19 PDT I was originally emailing to complain about the arrangement in my pins and the "coincednetal" timing of pins. Meaning they do not appear to be coincendental but done purposefully which would then make Pinterest liable for conspiracy and other crimes. While I am making this complaint. I wrote probably a year ago maybe a month after closing my first account under the email address  and wishing to reactivate the account. I was not aware the account had been deleted because pinterest settings had changed changed pinterested usually rquires an extra tep via email to delete an account the new setup deletes it via the site alone. I am requesting my account back in its entirety along with all boards and pins I did make it clear I wanted to preserve mya ccount which I find hard to believe it was impossible to do considereing it had only been 2 weeks after pinterested time line and it was a popular account. I will be pursuing this in court if Pinterest is not accommodating in my request. I am looking forward to a response either to the address associated with this account or at Copy of Email sent to pinterest in 2016 requesting boards be reactivated. Oh I'm requesting boards be reactivated without followers if that is not possible I will keep it private. I have a copy of them email to pinterest requesting it be opened and a denial. let me know if I need to search my account for the emails. Relief State briefly and precisely what damages or other relief the plaintiff ask the court to order. DO not make legal arguments. Include any basis for claiming that the wrongs alleged are continuing at the present time. Include the amounts of any actual damages claimed for the acts alleged and the basis for the present time. Include any punitive or exemplary damages claimed, the amounts, and the reasons you claim you are entitled to actual or punitive money damages. For any request for the injunctive relief, explain why monetary damages at a later time would not adequately compensate you for the injuries you sustained, are sustaining, or will sustain as a result of the events described above, or why such compensation could not be measured. I am requesting the boards/ account associated with .com opened in 2014 and Deactivated in 2016 be reactivated in its entirety. And how they were left. PUBLIC boards Public and private board private. I am requesting 10 million due to the company’s criminal behavior. And Intentional unnecessary emotional distress. All attorneys and court cost be paid for by The company. I am requesting discreet and continued anonymity when the boards are reopened I do not want the staff to take particulate interest in my account

[chanelmoon4]

june 27 2017

mms update on ppl stuff I guess. I rather not have my journals be about ppl but hey you can't avoid them. Like I said before hopefully ill have time to refer back to my past and talk about what has happen then because having children, being married, having a divorce and just changing my views about life is a lot and view important to me. Never really though I was a person tell all that happen to me. So grateful for it even though I wish it could have all been different

I had such a huge journal entry just stilling on my laptop then it had to freeze on me so ill try to cap up some things that have happen. It’s just not quite the same real calling memories after they have happened. When its fresh its the best. Then can tamper you emotions currently and make you type it different. Regardless it paints some kind of picture. 

Lets start with Jake because I just know I need him gone.. Still wish I could be fiends with him but ya you just gotta learn to stay away from people that ultimately bring you down. You can't change ppl and you should try to. He likes where he's at too much and I'm not going to try and open his mind to know things. I've already done what I can with him. But I guess that why you meet half the ppl you do you. You somehow help each other in big or small ways and be on you way when it’s all said and done. Sad, but the more it happens to you the more you just let it happen and appreciate what is.  I kept thinking we would naturally break off because he just always wanted to hang at his house sharing a room with his brother. But then his brother moved out and then it just became easier that way. It was cool but just still didn't help are stagnant communication. Half the time I just listen to the only things he knows and likes to talk about his fabricating work, car stuff and his x girlfriends being still about stuff not letting him see his sons. I like that he talks a lot actually but it was just so limited and so much opened up anger in him its just overwhelming. I can't blame him though both of the girls he has babies with complete crazies just not letting him see then just because there relationship went south. He works, he well doesn't drink anymore. Anyways those girls don't have room to talk because they have partied as well. Anyways lets get to the recent stiff. I hung out with him one night ya and this night we smoked. (Haven’t been doing anything like that but the opportunity arrived. my view about greens is wish washy I can live without it but its nice to have every blue moon. for now I'm going to keep it that way and I don't fee bad about it because its not controlling my life.) Then we got into this weird conversation about his x girlfriend with his kid Camille( uhhhhhhh and this is how me and Jake know each other from the past. actually embarrassing to say if I had to explain this to some one :( but she was one of my one and my best friend for a long time. there can be a whole book about her in my life but ill say one thing about her the try and make this shorter she is crazy. she. is. crazy! had a lot of boyfriends and kind what got me on a bad path. also went crazy on the end and had sex with my husband......... I didn't know tell about six months ago.... man I should do a journal entry about this but crap... k so ya anywise we broke off are friend ship around when link was one and haven't or will never talk to her sense) k! So ya Jake stated talking bout her and just problems and its awe all normal but then started saying g maybe she's only being crazy mean cause she still likes him and wants him to suffer rescue it dint work out and she has to live seeing him because they have a kid together now. Soooooo ya it got way weird and eventually I told him to stop and then rest of the night was weird. We have like a little text fight about it. Having him claim that it was about his son and that he was angry about that and all that. He somewhere inside would take that crazy girl back. Just the other day I was talking to ppl at work about relationships where this girl was talking about how her x would start talking bout other girls inform of her and how there were great or complicated. If your speaking about other ppl when your in a relationship then you mind isn't in the right spot and your setting yourself up to cheat. It’s been about 5 days we haven't even texted. Today he hit me up saying he was sorry and it was all about his some and trying to find a reason for her craziness. And I understand I would do the same in his position he is in just trying to figure out what’s going on in that crazy girls mind. I told him I need more space basically and left it as that. There’s more to all this but I'm summing up the best I can and without fixing all this grammar just to comfort myself about the five year old language I'm spitting out. (Quickly spitting out) I want space so we will see how long this last. He’s got anger problems so I know what he said wasn't meaningful. He wants to get back to kissing and such. Way over that. I could see me hanging out with him a time or to in the future before school starts but I really just need him to be gone. I hope I can be strong enough. 

Ok mmm next is Jordan. Noting with him ha. Just hung out another time exchanged book had some good talk and that was it. He’s moving to st George and saw him at the pool once with a chick.. So that was kind of weird. He said he had a lesbian friend so that could have been her. Regardless I still didn't have enough feelings to wanna keep up with him and he the same. Let just hope I get my books back some time this fall

k. Damn it I'm going to try and be super honest with this section even though I don’t want to be now cause I gave some stupid hint on twitter that I was going got put shit on twitter so now I'm constantly scared that he did find this tumbler and could just crush my sole. He could expose this to ppl. He could think I'm a freak. I just don't know and now its really kinda sucks. But oh well. Regardless you can get away from ppl really easily and never see then again. I hardly ever see him anyway ( yay ready to make mistakes) I'm not really sure where to start sense my normal entry gets deleted. But he went to Scotland. I think he had a snap post or two that were suggestive. (Could have been to anyone) one I think was hi going on in his jeep alone with a song from Taylor swift saying “all you had to do was stay and a snap f sunset. Idk whey I think something with a sunset. I think that one I'm overanalyzing. (you gotta remember to take things into account but not also over do it. synchronicity really is everywhere but sometimes ppl accidently say things not trying to be offensive but then people end up taking it that way, that’s a really bad destructive habit!... so usually I just try and look for synchronicity but only the good ones. if it can come off as bad I just try to disregard it for the most part. idk... sometimes I do take things that he's trying to tell me he doesn't like me and signs that he doesn't but with him its different clue I think he knows the game or whatever bull crap and is just trying to tell me in some way. who know idk idk  but anyways I love looking of the good signs in life and try not to get offensive less I feel its clear enough.. idk ) then shortly after sends a snap saying he's like on a lonely road by himself or something. I decided to respond and to invite him to this movie night thing with ppl from the pool and just said “don't make it too lonely.” then asked him to come to wonder women the next night. Surprisingly he said he could and that was good but a shocker. Just because I'm too chicken to ask him on that date date thing. I'm calling that night are date thing so it can be over with? :S soooooo weeewh there’s a lot I could say about the wonder women movies that was like super crazy synchronized with I guess a thingy we have? Like so much! It was awesome but god there’s something fucked up with me it was like hitting me in the face but yet I was not satisfied...!!! And if its still not making my bell completely ring I'm sure its not at all for him :///(I think I'm just angry I can just get alone time with I'm and don't know what’s going on) it was still way cool to see him. He tried bringing up this stuff about energy everywhere. 1 her want to talk more about it with me. 2 he's teasing me.idk. I wish I would have been more social with him but I have such a hard time singling jarred out for a long time with other people around us. It would just make it obvious and we were around work people. He coming back to work this fall and ya I just don't need people thinking I really like him. ( ah I hats saying that I like him. I like what I see and what might not completely mesh with him I still find so adorable..... I really really hope he thinks the same for me and not just a weird girl he can't avoid and doesn't want to be rude too. Sometimes I wish he would be just so I can really know. should be clear enough tho.. he's not talking to me lol oh well)  so it was kinda stupid to finally invite him to hang out and have it with people from work. At one point before we walked into the theater are eyes met form a distant and we both and the super anxious look on are face. It was great! He openly said “sorry texting my family in a group text” that was kinda random and kinda a sign that he's not seeing anyone but who knows. Right as we walked into the theater I have know idea fucking why but I said under my breath not even thinking about anything in particular and he was near me “man I'm no good at this” and he did say something back it was strange and I feet like Emily heard. He said something like “don't worry about or neither am I” gaaaaaaahhh! Fucking shisdkfjsldkfj ha idk so trying to fast forward. We sat next to eachother and I forgot how ackward it is to sit next to people or a ton of people for that matter. Made me so anxious especially because I love snuggling in a theater and more used to that if I ever go. He moved his hand a lot but not in one of those stupid obvious positions waiting to be held. I wanted to um feel his energy more sting next to him more but there were too many distractions to decipher. I had my hands crossed really like the whole time. Again we were next to everyone from work I just couldn’t let them find out! It was so great seeing so many things unfold in that movies that correlated to him and I though! There seemed to be a lot but I really am not going to go through the whole move about it. I'm just going to watch it again when it comes out on DVD. The movies ended we all ackwardly walked out I was tired as shit at the time cause it was past 12. Talked bout some stuff about it and all went home. 

 (I need more paragraphs. so here’s one lol.) I've never had so much synchronicity show up in a crush like this ever I just like gotta like just like idk know and just give what I can idk idk.mad but I've been so so salty lately like really I was hitting a low then. Work had made me way more aggressive then I've ever been I really hate it. I don't want to be an angry aggressive person or overly dominate. But I'm afraid my surroundings have made me so ://////// I'm trying not to think about that to much and just think that its good for me to practice this and that I've been excelling at it well. The things are all of it will change soon enough with school this fall. I know ill be focus on other things and it will just keep changed. Especially if I quit my job this fall or winter. So back to captain it up with Jared. I've been so less centered again and so I think I had this small/ big peak of scarification with that movie that quickly faded right after it. Usually if anything happens between us I'm like back to liking him call over again. This time I just got just more frustrated. Probably because it was all another wonderful fantasy and not something that happened in real life that I could say we both experienced. I. Just. Want. To make things happen between us so I can have clarity that we are going to be friends or try for something more or just clear cut no so I can get the hell was form the pool and focus a little better. I waaaant that. Fucking shit! This person just fucked my brain up from stuff from the past or something and it’s just so easy to get sucked back into it. So I just need to get closer to this man or remove myself completely. Trying not to get angry about it. But ya so far he's just being a floater boy when I need answers. But the more I push the more I know going to make the answer no. It probably is a no anyways. I'm sure I'm annoying. I used to be cooler trust me. I swear ppl around u influence you so much and when I was reading more not around crazies at the pool. idk.... oh and really think I shouldn't have done this because I'm sure it passed him off.... if he even checks. I deleted all my tweets and hoping to plan to not tweet any more. or for a really really long time. I'm level headed I am. This just weird thing going on its just hard to communicate things and just make it look like crazy move. Hope I didn't fuck it up. Also were being stupid and sent music snaps that made it look like I didn't give a crap. I'm so mean!!!!! Seriously been so salty. ugh :(

Still get on tinder occasionally. I get likes of really cute looking guys on there to match up with frankly. Lots of them are just too far away or I just get scared and do not want to take the work to get to know new ppl. Plus I just HATE texting people long distance or just having got to know you bull crap on it. I rather have people come into my life. I just end up taking to people a few times then ignore them tell it stops. Oh well. I sorta like it that way anyway but I'm still looking and that’s good I guess. I just focus on one person at a time. that just kinda my thing its hard to get attached to several men and i do not like doing that. thats not what my life is all about attracting as many as i can like that! 

gosh this was a lot and still not a lot i didn't ever get to say about what I've been learning lately in my books. not to mention i had a logged mediation finally. and holly shit i got soon much crap bit up in me its crazy. really you get keep up with that crap because you pick up negative crap from everywhere and hold in in you forever! i deeply feel if i can just get back to the real me things will work out better know matter what it is. I really need to find myself and be even more stable if anything in my life is going to go my way or if I'm going to be able to give myself to Jared/or any man. I really am quite a stable person, always have been. So it’s really frustrating for me to be stuck into something like this. Wish he could see that or that I could show him things that have helped me... but that’s only if you believe in that stuff. Or let you mind wander there enough to see truths in it.  Knowledge truly is power... and takes a lot of responsibility to keep it...

 Another things ill quickly say cause I've been spending way too much time on this one and I going over to my sisters tonight, 5 http has help me with my speech problem and is also a mood enhancer. I think I want stop taking it though because it’s like fix that seems like permanently but I'm more aggressive from it and almost more anxious... mother f. I probably should stop experimenting with things cause sometimes it really does backfire and isn't helpful but you know what if you don't try you will never know and there are so many things that I was scared to try or ppl would think is pointless/weird that ended up being awesome! The 5 http hasn't screwed with me that much but I learned form it and know it’s not a thing to take when your brain is already back to normal. Its thing to take if you actually are having depression had a car accident, addiction problems things like that. I took it and it seems to fix my problem but now its not helpful cause I back to normal and it’s overloading my brain.  Also I found that one way to clean your entry is to take a bath with sea salt and baking soda and ya i can't pretty much say it seem like its cleans out you aura layers. But you must go in the sun afterwards. Cause it will also deplete you. I did it this morning and really everything was just so clear.... but it was bad to go to work right after. I freake’n sucked everything up :((that like my biggest problem somehow I absorbs everything weather its good or bad. for me seems like I just need to say clear of things. man I'm just hurting myself so much. holding onto a guy that doesn't even have strong feelings for me touring myself staying in all these toxic environments waiting on a silly dream that I don't know if I want anymore or will want when it all comes down to it. ..... and for some reason I just keep doing it. sheesh it must be for some reason. just a little longer and this thing lingering behind me will be all gone or unraveled.

Holly crap this one is huge. Ill spell check it for now and re read it later. lol it will be interesting to see all the stagnant sentences I've created. 

[wafflerambles]

so this is kinda just a reboot of my last vent account i deleted lol. basically, just wanna vent someplace that is healthy and convenient, look back at my thoughts, and just generally get them out of my headspace. ive been on such a natural high for the last couple months or so, but lately ive swung right back into depression. it really sucks, and i honestly cant find a concrete reason why i feel so MUCH sadness. right now its pretty late where i am, 12:00am or so, and i slept for 6 hrs straight right after i got home from school lol. ive been so exhausted lately, for no real reason, and ive been getting really heavy sleeps i havent gotten in a while, which is nice i feel like im being replaced by zi and angel with katie. i cant help feeling jealous. i feel so inferior but i know i shouldnt. i need to make new friends, but i dont know where? and im pretty sucky at connected with new people. i miss brandon, but im trying not to obsess over him, realistically ik ill never date him lol. hes such a wonderful person though. dropping off the grid from little nook and social media and just my group of friends in general has helped me a lot so far. i think i just need a lot of time and space right now to recharge, recenter, and focus on myself and this unexplained sadness. i need to stop comparing myself so much to others. maybe ill go to babylon bean on wednesday by myself, make new friends? who knows, maybe next week. in any case, school is really lonely but i only have 4 more days left!! so i guess its not all too bad, right? i survived! its just i wish i made the most of it while i had the chance. i really did try this year but, things got so complicated. i really miss ollie and the early friendship we once had, but i know itll never be the same/ i can never look at him the same. after graduation, ill prob never speak/see any of them anyways, so!! its all good i suppose. im really nervous for the bon voyage night, though, and wish it werent a thing or that i could just get it over with i just miss old times/people in general, and who they used to be. now everyones so different, ive outgrown them. i guess thats life though. i cant wait to start at adelphi and make more memories with new people and start a new chapter of life ive been really motivated to write lately, in general. poetry, stories, etc etc. which is super nice, because i almost never, and i love writing!! i think that pretty much sums my thoughts up as of late. i really miss the old angel, and zi. i honestly dont like the vibes katie has but, if they like her, who am i to judge. i feel really left out though, the least they could do is text me. anywho, i guess im getting the space i need? maybe hopefully i get some rest and can fall asleep again lol

[lookwhatilost]

there’s an ask meme i see on my dash rn and since nobody will send me anything if i reblog it here, ill jst answer the questions and put them under the cut

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? i dnt use any of them lmfao

is your room messy or clean? messy!!!!! what color are your eyes? dark brown do you like your name? why? i’ve never liked my actual name! i’ve jst always found it to be ugly. whenever someone gives me a nickname, i glom onto it bc i’d rather be called pretty much anything else what is your relationship status? im not dating anyone and im not talking to anyone and tbqh i could not care less describe your personality in 3 words or less superficial space cadet what color hair do you have? brown what kind of car do you drive? color? blue 2010 honda civic. she’s great. where do you shop? forever 21 mostly how would you describe your style? cute but inconsistent favorite social media account as of right now, probably peach. i love my peach ring! and the lack of centralized feed makes it ideal for shitposting what size bed do you have? double any siblings? one brother. he dznt say or do much if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? somewhere cold and far away. i jst want to be somewhere else favorite snapchat filter? i love the dog filter bc they change it up every holiday & i love the milk carton filter bc it’s the best worst thing ive ever seen favorite makeup brand(s) the beauty industry is evil how many times a week do you shower? usually 7 but that’s assuming im not having a severe depression bout favorite tv show? bojack horseman! shoe size? 8.5 or 9, depending on the shoe how tall are you? 5′7″ sandals or sneakers? sneakers! do you go to the gym? only if its too cold to run outside describe your dream date i dnt rly care abt date activities themselves as long as im having a good time w the other person. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? $54 what color socks are you wearing? none! im wearing slippers and theyre brown how many pillows do you sleep with? 4 do you have a job? what do you do? yes. i do hair and i dnt like it how many friends do you have? 2 close ones whats the worst thing you have ever done? omg... like 3 years ago i let this girl use facebook on my phone bc she had her internet access taken from her for some reason. she didn’t log out so i jst kind of kept it logged in bc she was friends with evil nate/this guy who was actively trying to ruin my life (long story) & i kind of wanted to keep an eye on him. anyway she used to meet these weird random guys on a website called myyearbook or something, and while my friend riley and i were lurking, one of them started messaging her all this weird stuff like “i wanna like… fuck your boobs” and we couldn’t like ignore it bc clearly he saw we were online. so we jst kept sending him back things like “that’s nice” hoping he would go away. he kept at it anyway and started pestering her/us for nudes and like… clearly we couldn’t send him any. so we decided to tell him like “sorry i can’t rn” and he got rlly rlly angry and flipped out and told her/us to never speak to him again. he seriously blocked her over it omg it was ridiculous! so we deleted the messages that we had sent behind her back & logged out to keep things from getting any worse. the next time i saw her she was like “yeah i think nick deactivated his fb isn’t that weird?” and i had to pretend like this was new information and not something i was undoubtedly responsible for whats your favorite candle scent? the golden sands yankee candle is my go-to! 3 favorite boy names / 3 favorite girl names i can’t think of any off the top of my head!

favorite actor? favorite actress? who is your celebrity crush? these were 3 separate questions, but i have no personal investment in celebrity culture, so im jst going to answer them all w that. favorite movie? it’s hard to say but i’ve been watching black swan a lot lately do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i dnt read as often as i’d like to. my favorite book is pet sematary!  money or brains? brains.. duh do you have a nickname? what is it? i’ve had a lot of nicknames and i always sort of latched onto them bc the name on my birth certificate is Fuckin ugly. ppl called me kitty in middle school and janice when i was a freshman in high school. for the life of me i cant remember where either of those originated from how many times have you been to the hospital? idk how many times ive been to the ER or whatever but i’ve had to stay there 3 times top 10 favorite songs i can never think of favorite anythings and they change constantly anyway do you take any medications daily? yeah what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) oily -_- what is your biggest fear? abandonment 😵 how many kids do you want? none whats your go to hair style? i always go back to a blonde bob that’s like, an inch or two longer than my chin what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) jst an average size single family home? who is your role model? dnt have one what was the last compliment you received? i cant remember but it was probably something affirming ian said to me what was the last text you sent? ”#iansrevenge” to ian, obviously how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? fairly young. i dnt remember being too invested in that stuff either way what is your dream car? i drove my dream car for like 3 years and it was nothing but a hassle, so now i no longer have goals or ambitions opinion on smoking? there are worse things. the tobacco industry, on the other hand... do you go to college? lol what is your dream job? LOL would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? rural area. there’s no privacy in the suburbs do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? always do you have freckles? yes do you smile for pictures? sometimes! how many pictures do you have on your phone? 800 have you ever peed in the woods? i’ve been camping many times before so probably

do you still watch cartoons? sometimes but i’m not invested in any do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? i would never cheat on wendy Favorite dipping sauce? buffalo sauce! what do you wear to bed? fleece pants and a t shirt. nothing exciting have you ever won a spelling bee? i’ve never even competed in one what are your hobbies? when you work 40 hours a week you literally dnt have time for hobbies can you draw? i used to all the time but yknow... shit happens do you play an instrument? again, used to. mental illness is a real bitch sometimes what was the last concert you saw? elton john! tea or coffee? tea Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? starbucks!! do you want to get married? no what is your crush’s first and last initial? PASS are you going to change your last name when you get married? i can’t ever see myself getting married but if i do i won’t change my last name unless i like theirs a lot what color looks best on you? white do you miss anyone right now? i miss my friends! do you sleep with your door open or closed? open, usually do you believe in ghosts? yes what is your biggest pet peeve? total strangers standing too close to me in public last person you called` michael favorite ice cream flavor? mint chocolate 😋 regular oreos or golden oreos? regular chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow 💜 what shirt are you wearing? one of my work shirts what is your phone background? the lacey street theater in fairbanks are you outgoing or shy? definitely on the shy side do you like it when people play with your hair? im indifferent to it do you like your neighbors? i dnt talk to them do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? both! have you ever been high? yes binch have you ever been drunk? im drunk... often last thing you ate? a banana favorite lyrics right now nothing is resonating strongly with me at the moment. my personality has been out on lunch for abt 2 months now and im not sure when theyre coming back. summer or winter? winter day or night? night dark, milk, or white chocolate? white favorite month? october! what is your zodiac sign gemini who was the last person you cried in front of? probably my mom. who knows

[casualdestinynut-blog]

“Like a psychopath”

I am so sick.  So unbelievably sick.  I wake up choking on thickened topographies of yellow.  There’s magma in me.  Sulfur.

I was sick in late-November/early-December too.  It’s not unheard of for me to get sick in the winter, but this year I’m concerned about my aorta.  There’s an aneurysm at its root that’s always been present but is approaching the size needed to get the surgery to correct it, which is very likely to increase my lifespan.  I’ve been spending the better part of the year deciding whether I was going to get the surgery, when American society and culture can be so hellish and unnecessarily cruel.  I have decided to get the surgery.  With this cold I hope I last till the surgery date: there are the dread “flu-like” symptoms that accompany a dissection that I’m worried about.  There’s no fever though, just the severe mucus discharge, post-nasal drip.  The developing cough.  The aches.  The weakness.  But there is no fever.  There is no fever.  The cold is worse than the one that I had earlier this month; I spent yesterday in bed, reading, resting.  Waiting.

There are three, but only two of them are talking.

It’s actually difficult to write when sick.  I’ve been attracted to lying in bed.  I’m not even going to walk my dog today.  I love my dog.  He’s a dachshund and he’s cute and cuddly and seems to know that I’m not feeling well.  This is the first time I’ve been so sick I don’t want to get out of bed in over a year.  No desire to actually move through physical reality.  None whatsoever.

There’s still oatmeal to eat.  Then I go back to bed.  I’m lazy.  It’s okay to be lazy.  I wonder if anyone’s reading this.  My journal.  That I keep online.  When I kept it on facebook I’d get likes and comments from people I used to know intermittently.  There was an intermittence to the timing of said likes and comments.  They stopped coming.  I deleted my facebook account.  Here there are no expectations.  I expect no one to like my posts.  Or even read them, really, though it would be nice.  It would be nice for some non-verbal communication.

So, it takes about 2 weeks to recover from a flu.  If it’s the flu.  A flu, which I think it is.  So far I’ve drunk more water today than I think I have for many days.  My throat is sore so it discourages the consumption of fluids.  Solids too, for that matter.  I’ve started reading a novel by Don Delillo.  His style has rubbed off on me.  Spiritual frotting.  I like his spirit penis rubbing on me via his externalized intellect.  Reading a book is to a large extent for me a sexual act, like writing a book.  I cuddle with my favorite authors.  I read them in the bed.

The book is Libra, a fictionalized account of the life of Lee Harvey Oswald and the Kennedy assassination.  I’m almost nostalgic for the worldview: my mom’s family were ethnic Italian-American Catholic Democrats who were in awe of Kennedy as any Catholic in that era was, the absolute unquestioned Golden Age of American Catholicism, the 40s, 50s and 60s, where everyone has a theory about Kennedy’s assassination.  My mom married a Republican Protestant, converted and so now when I read a book from someone enamored enough of the 60s political era and especially from the Catholic point of view it’s like I’m being let back into my mom’s family who used to live close together when I was growing up but who have now scattered across the country.  It’s like I’m still watching football with them in the living room, living off second hand smoke.

I haven’t read a book in many months, basically since I started hosting the writers’ group.  I’m going to discontinue it; last night I sent an email to the two people who come most often and asked them if they want to take it over.  They haven’t responded yet.  I’ve become weak with a cold.  It’s a cliche.  I’m Lemuel Gulliver.  Now I stay in the house, ill and having decided to get the surgery that will extend my life beyond its natural extent.  Is this how weak I’m going to be after the surgery?  It takes a few months to recover from it.  It’s unfortunately located in an area where non-invasive stent technology hasn’t been developed yet to address the kind of aneurysm I have.  Just four days ago I wasn’t this weak.  This is a cold.  A flu.  That is what’s happening.

Black hair.  One thing I learned about white people with black hair going out attending meetups is that we’re put on trains, figurative trains of thought that lead to our destruction in physical reality.  It was like everyone knew my story before I did.  The people I met were nearly completely divorced from the Western philosophical tradition/cannon.  With one exception they knew nothing of the broader high arts tradition.  They were imminently popular, anti-intellectual and thought only the body existed.  Social justice is a falsehood.  I missed listening to the radio.  I missed living my beautiful life, broke yet productive and reading.

Guns and flowers.  Guns and flowers are what I kept thinking about.  It was the train I kept finding myself on, along with trees.  “You lumberjack, you.”  Was I supposed to cut down his house?  There was no synchronous event with the neighbor yesterday on the dog walk.  His house was still after I looked at his facebook page.  The dog didn’t bark.  He was challenging me and I didn’t want to be challenged.  He was doing it for months.  I know what happened: the social pattern with the light-brown haired is that when a light brown haired woman *imagines* an offense that I’ve perpetuated on her, a light brown haired guy comes to exact retribution from me in *reality*.  Both he and his wife have light brown hair.  She saw me outside her house walking my dog with a flashlight after dark.  Did I scare her?  I was walking my dog, is what I was doing.  The next time I saw the guy he was wearing a miner’s helmet that he shined in my face and started screaming “WHOA!”  He hasn’t worn the miner’s helmet since, but not long after I started to lift heavier weights and I hurt my back.  Permanently.  Spelunking and Aspen.  An avalanche.  Some days every step I’m in pain.  My hard-won exercise severely curtailed.  He feels guilty for it.  I know he feels guilty for it.  I know it was premeditated trickery, that he had every intention of not letting live and let live -- that’s why I say that he taught me it’s impossible to live and let live, because he tricked me and I know he feels guilty for it.  How do I know this?  Because I found myself in perfect timing with him again.  It kept happening.  For a couple years it happened.  I’m not saying that I wasn’t crazy when he met me.  I’m not saying he offered to talk to me and I couldn’t look him in the eye because I was crazy.  I’m not saying I didn’t want to talk to him, but that I knew we weren’t compatible because of how social he is and I was cloistered in a house in this very subdivision in my teens, not being to youth group at church and instead being told that I should be grateful for the Hollywood movies my parents got me to watch.  I thought it was because of my deformity, though anyone living that life is going to think there’s something wrong with them.  I knew we weren’t compatible because he lived and was living the life I’d dreamed of living but was told I couldn’t, and I was envious and still am envious of him, and I didn’t want to taint his life with my envy.  But I don’t think I deserved to be tricked.  Again, how do I know he feels guilty for tricking me?  I had and still have no intention of killing him or his family.  But there was a synchronous situation where I was approaching his house while I was walking my dog on Halloween, and his car approached from the other direction full of children, and when it parked in the driveway I watched as told his family to just stay in the car and wait until I’d walked away before they got out.  That’s how I figured out that he tricked me, and how I know he feels guilty for it, because he was afraid enough of my presence on the street .  And recently, the same thing happened -- the same thing happened, where I didn’t *really* offend a light brown haired girl, but a light brown haired guy took a real sort of retribution on me for an imagined offense on the light brown haired girl.

I admit to huge spikes in blood pressure after he tricked me; just seeing him and sometimes even thinking about him cause huge spikes in my blood pressure after I hurt my back.  But it was the incident on Halloween where his guilt was on display; the thought never even crossed my mind, though I realized he was afraid of me and the possible harm I could do to his family.  But the thought never crossed my mind.

So, there’s revenge to consider.  I’m not going to kill him, but there are other ways to take revenge that are more subtle.  The question is: how?  How is a resolution.  Maybe this is the very thought he had with his wife.  I did want to talk to them, but I didn’t know how.  I don’t think I deserved revenge.  I didn’t do anything to them, and it wasn’t till after I hurt my back that I started acting like an actual stalker.  Some part of me knew, but I withheld judgment until I saw him display his feelings of guilt, and the pattern repeated with another light brown haired opposite sex couple.

Anyway, I keep a vegetable garden in my front yard.  Maybe I’ll just keep a flower garden and put gun decorations in the pots, turn the pots into large train figurine on a track with compartments.  Lighter haired whites are a problem.  I can’t just live and let live with them.  His entire family is now subjects of my novel.  They’re all going to be characters.  He created a stalker, is what he did -- he wanted a stalker, and so I’m going to give him one.  I wasn’t stalking him for two years, but he was shouting stuff at me in passing on the street.  So, he has a stalker.  They’re apparently in Richmond right now, so that’s why there was no synchronous event with him and his house.  We’re spiritually connected.  He can tell when I look at his facebook page.  Maybe I’m haunting them right now.  It was my fault I was too crazy to talk to them when they were trying to talk to me, but I don’t think I deserved revenge for being mentally ill.

If anyone’s reading, have you ever become your stalker’s stalker?  I’m not saying that I wasn’t really insecure and going through a mental illness, I’m not saying that I didn’t want to talk to him.  But I did communicate that I was trying to live and let live.  He was stalking me, but now I’m stalking him.  His stalking drove me so crazy that I became *his* stalker.  But he started it, so it’s a paradox.

I’m going to go lie down now.