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cinnamoonblue · 2 months ago

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Chapter X | Daddy* Issues

Summary: You moved to one of the biggest cities in the world - Grand Line to pursue filmmaking career. Soon enough your path will cross with the vocalist of upcoming band called “The Neighbourhood”. At first you decided to be just friends - because it would be easier, but sadly as everything in life sometimes by taking the easy path we regret a lot of things.

Main characters: Portgas D Ace x Reader (female)

Supporting characters: Nami, Usopp, Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Law, Deuce, Shanks, Buggy, Sabo, Eustass Kid, Koala, Robin, Dave (OC)

Description: Modern AU | Musician Ace

WARNINGS: ALL CHARACTERS ARE AGED UP this story will contain descriptions of violence, 18+ only, contains explicit sexual themes and content, explicit language, use of alcohol, use of cannabis, use of nicotine/cigarettes, angst, hurt/no comfort, hurt/comfort, implied injury, family trauma, slow burn, destructive behavior, toxic behavior, illegal activities, NSFW, conflicted feelings, loneliness, pain, conflicted relationship, emotional distress, jealousy, suggestive themes, violence, substance use, mentions of death, mentions of suicide, mentions of depression, mentions of loosing a loved one, mentions of violence, PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE WARNINGS

Word Count: 14,3K

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NOTE: Please, pay attention that this chapter contains mentions of overdosing and relapsing! This chapter was suppose to be double the length, but I decided that it is for the best to post it like this. I expect that a lot of you might drop the story after this chapter, because Reader is about to do/say something that will definitely come out as very offensive to many, especially if you haven't been or had bad relationship with a parent of yours. It's okay to judge her, but I also hope you understand where those words/actions come from. I hope you will forgive me and not hate me much. Thank you for your patience and support ♡ Ily ♡ Enjoy ♡

Sitting in the front of Usopp’s car I sighed exhausted. The week of shooting rolled fast, and it was so nice to be back in the city. Nami, Usopp and I were on our way to university to return all the equipment we had used for the movie. We were all tired from the long week we had, but at the end it was worth it as the filming went super smoothly and the scenes turned out beautiful.

“You, guys don’t understand how much this is bugging me.” Nami whined as she had for a thousandth of time this week brought up the fact that someone has anonymously donated one thousand dollars to us and helped reach our goal for the donations. “It must be some of Sanji’s rich friends at the party, I’m telling you.” She pointed with her finger at Usopp and me from the backseat of Usopp’s car.

“Does it really matter?” I looked at her with a tired smile. “At the end we reached the goal.”

“We actually went over it.” Usopp pointed out and I hummed agreeing with him.

“Come on.” Nami exclaimed annoyed with us. “You can’t be serious and not be curious who might have sent us the money.”

“We are, juts not as much as you are.” I turned a bit to the side to face her better as I stuck my tongue out to annoy her.

“God forbit a girl gets curious.” She rolled her eyes at me, laughing as she pushed my head away with one hand. “Anyway, wanna grab something to eat after we leave the equipment?” Propping her elbows on the back of the front seats she leaned closer to Usopp and I.

“Hell yeah.” Usopp and I said at the same time.

I have missed this. In the past two, almost three months now, I was avoiding Nami and Usopp as much as I could and after this week spent with them, when we were constantly together during filming and the free time in between shoots, as we used to be before, the realization of how much I had missed them hit me like a truck.

I have known them for less than a year, but they both have become so close and special to me to a point where I didn’t realize it until now.

“We must treat ourselves with a very nice dinner, don’t you think guys?” I looked at both of them with a big smile spread across my face.

“Finally, we speak the same language.” Nami squeaked excitedly.

It took us around an hour to return all the equipment, and in the middle of it, all of our energy went out of the window, so instead of going to a restaurant we went to Nami’s place and order take away food.

Usopp was first to leave her place, as he couldn’t wait any longer to see Kaya. He offered to drive me home, but I turned down the offer as I decided to stay a bit longer with Nami.

We said goodbye to Usopp and Nami went to lock the door after him. Coming back, she clapped her hands as she sat down on the sofa next to me and cleared her throat. “So, it’s finally just the two of us.” Straightening her posture, she gave me a small smile like she expected something from me.

“Why you say it like we didn’t share a room for a whole week?” I looked at her with one brow slightly raised. During the whole production we shared a bedroom in the summer house of one of our classmates, where we all stayed, so I was slightly confused by her comment.

“Yes, but there I couldn’t speak with you.” She pointed out while taking a sip of her soft drink.

“Nami, what do you mean you couldn’t talk to me?” I was getting really confused. She and I spoke every night, day, and every free second we had on set, what was she on about? “We spoke nonstop.”

“Yes, but not about what I really want to speak with you about.” She gave me a knowing look and slowly I started to connect the dots. “Sanji’s party? You being distant since Christmas break? Should I continue or mention names… name?” She emphasized on ‘name’ like I didn’t catch what she meant by it.

Placing the plate on the coffee table from my lap, I took a deep breath before speaking. I knew this conversation was coming, but I was hoping that she would give me a bit more time. She would also not let me get away from it, so I didn’t have much of a choice, but to get it over with.

Taking her hands in mine I looked at her eyes before I spoke up. “I am so sorry Nami. I know that I had been a bad friend in the past few months, but I was going through something…” Taking another deep breath in I needed a moment before I could continue. “Maybe I’m still going through it and I… I just pushed everyone away. For which I’m sorry.”

“I appreciate the apology, but why? What happened?”

It was very hard to keep eye contact with her right now, so I looked away. What was I supposed to say; - “Yes, Nami. You were right about Ace.”

“You know I won’t tell anyone.” She moved closer to me. “Something happened with Ace, didn’t it?” Her voice is gentle, comforting even and as much as I wanted to tell her what had been going on for the past few months, I didn’t know where to start; all I could do was just nod with my head. “From the scale of one to ten how bad are things between you two right now?”

A small sarcastic laughter escaped my lips. “Eleven. Maybe even twelve.” As much as I tried to hide the pain that still lingered in my heart, my eyes betrayed me. It was like my own body betrayed me every time his name was mentioned.

Nami’s eyes widened a bit, not expecting to hear that things were this bad. “I don’t want to push you into talking if you don’t want to, but I’m here to listen without judging.” She pulled me for a hug. When Nami wrapped her arms around me I laid my head on her shoulder and thanked her.

“It’s kind of a long story you know…” I whispered as I pulled away from her.

With a shrug and wink Nami replied to me, “I have time.”

I told her everything with every single detail - from the ‘not official date’, till the last time I saw him at Sanji’s party. The whole time Nami was listening, gasping from time to time, making small comments like ‘No way.’ , ‘You’re kidding.’ , ‘This asshole.’ ect.

“And lastly, at the party he wanted me to give him a chance to start things all over again or whatever.” I rolled my eyes remembering the moment when Ace locked me in a room with him. “By the way this whole thing with Kid there was to get a reaction out of Ace or whatever.” This was something I wanted to clarify before she asked about it. “And it was his idea.”

“It did work.” Nami chuckled. Raising one of my brows I tilted my head to the side, questioning her what she meant by this. “You did get a reaction from him. I saw how Ace was looking at you the whole time while you were ignoring him. I think he got jealous.” I haven’t put much thought into this, mostly because one day after the party we went away to film and my mind was occupied with other things which led me not to allow myself to think much of what Ace had said to me.

“But what did he mean by start all over again?” Nami’s voice changed from understanding one to aggravated by all she had heard so far. “Like what? Friends? Lovers? What exactly?” I couldn’t respond to this question as well as I hadn’t allowed myself to dig much into it or at all.

“I don’t know Nami.” Looking down at my hands and playing nervously with my fingers I took a deep breath. “I haven’t put many thoughts into it, nor did I ask him.”

“Good.” She was quick to say. “I can’t believe it. I’ve always known that he is not serious when it comes to girls, but after all you’ve told me…” Looking at me with big disappointment in her eyes, Nami shook her head. “I don’t think I’ll want to see Ace ever again.”

“You know what hurt me the most?” I quietly said. “He never said sorry.” Biting on my lower lip, I could feel my eyes watering. “He just came and asked for a fresh start without even apologize for the damage he has done.”

“Please, don’t cry.” Nami grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me closer to her in a hug. “This asshole doesn’t deserve more tears from you.”

“It just… it still hurts…” Saying this out loud made it even more painful. I have never been stuck on someone for so long, why was it so hard to move on from him? What was it that made him so special?

“Do you still have feelings for him?” Nami’s voice was quiet, it came out almost as a whisper.

I stayed in her arms without moving. This was another question I have avoided asking myself. Did I still have feelings for Ace? Probably. Did I want to dig deeper into myself to find the proper answer? No.

“I don’t know.” I answered, pulling away from her. Looking behind Nami to avoid her gaze, I noticed the time on the clock hanging on the wall. “Gosh, look at the time. I must go home.” Getting up from the sofa in a hurry, Nami got the hint and followed after me.

“You can stay over if you want.” Her suggestion sounded very nice, but I needed some alone time, especially right now.

“Thank you, Nami but I’m missing my own bed a bit too much.” I raised my head and smiled at her while I was putting my shoes on. Getting up on my feet and unlocking the door I looked back at her. “Are you going to edit with me and Usopp this week?”

“Probably.” She said, as she opened the door. “Please, text me when you get home.”

“I will.” Taking a step closer to her, I hugged her once again. “Thank you, Nami. I haven’t realized how much I needed a girl talk until tonight.”

“Oh, please, you know I love gossip.” She joked as she patted me on the back. “Now go. You don’t want to miss the metro.”

Going back to the neighborhood where he grew up was never easy for Ace. He left this part of town eight years ago when he was eighteen and since then if his aunt didn’t really need help with something he would not come back. Not because he felt ashamed of where he grew up, but because he wasn’t very wanted there. This area of town he couldn’t escape his birth name and the blood running through his veins. Here no matter what he was known as Gol D Ace, no matter how many times he corrected people no one bothered to listen to him, all they saw in his face was a famous criminal’s bastard.

Taking his helmet off, he deeply inhaled and exhaled before getting off his motorbike. He hasn’t seen or talked with his aunt in months. Their relationship was very rocky since Ace went and almost beat the life out of Teach. Not like the relationship between them before this event was good, but after that night things went completely downhill, and that was why Ace was here today. He needed answers to a lot of questions, which only his aunt could give him.

Stepping into the familiar old porch Ace knocked on the front door. He waited for a moment before the door opened and his aunt stood in front of him confused.

“Ace? What are you doing here?” Dadan couldn’t hide the surprise in her voice. It has been at least eight months since the last time she had seen her nephew.

“Came to visit.” Ace replied, pointing with his eyes towards the hallway, asking for permission to enter the house.

“Come on in, boy.” Dadan moved to the side and let Ace in. “No, need to take your shoes of, I’m in the middle of deep cleaning anyway.”

Both made their way to the kitchen, the place still the same, nothing has changed since… forever. The old wooden kitchen cabinets were in desperate need of change, the sunlight streamed through a small window above the sink, casting a soft glow on the well-worn surfaces. The fridge being at least thirty years old, now with surprisingly a lot of pictures and magnets hung on it, something Ace didn’t remember being a thing in this household as he grew up here. The only thing that was new was the stove.

The kitchen, though old and in need of repair, remained the heart of the house Ace once used to call home, not sure if it did feel like one, but it was a place where memories were made and shared.

In the middle of the kitchen was the dining table. Pulling one of the chairs, Ace sat down and waited for his aunt to join him. “I see you finally bought a new stove.” He was the first one to break the silence.

“Yea, it was time to say goodbye to the old one.” Lifting the coffee pot in one hand she asked with a gesture if he wanted some, to which he nodded. Pouring two cups with coffee, the mid-fifties years old woman brought them to the table and sat down opposite her nephew. “I must thank you for it.”

Since the band had taken off so fast and things were going financially great for the guys, Ace started sending Dadan money every month. He was aware that she was still struggling with bills so sending her a few hundred per month didn’t hurt his pockets at all.

“Don’t need to.” He told her, taking a sip of the coffee. The taste of it was very bitter, too bitter even for his preferences, but he didn’t say anything, he just put the cup down and cleared his throat.

Taking a good look at his aunt, he could see that she was starting to age more visibly now. After all she was pushing to be sixty in a few years, and she was never the type of woman to take much care of her appearance. Her hair was curly and untamed as aways, now with some silver lining locks on it. Her face has a bit more wrinkles than before, but other than this she was the same. Oversized shirt and her favorite dark olive pants. These pants were such a trademark on her, till this day Ace wondered how she managed to find the exact same color and how did people still produce them or she just both a hundred pairs one day twenty years ago and since then she stuck with them.

“So, how’s life?” Small talks were always uncomfortable for him. He knew why he was here, but he wasn’t sure how to ask, how to start or formed his questions aloud.

“My life?” Dadan responded with a sarcastic laugh. “Same old, brat. Same old.” She shook her head. Her life has been the same since she could remember, which made her sad. Life wasn’t the fairest towards her, but this was something she never complained about, nor that she could if she wanted to. “I should be asking you this. You’re a big star now.” She reached over the table and patted Ace’s shoulder.

Awkward laughter escaped past Ace’s lips. Was he a star? Maybe…? Was he a big star? Definitely not.

“I wouldn’t call myself big.” Ace said, propping one elbow on the table and massaging his temple with his fingers.

Clicking with her tongue, Dadan hummed. “Don’t get modest now. You’re a big thing. I hear you on the radio at least once a day. Yesterday in the supermarket they played one of your songs while I was at the check-out.” Dadan smirked as she took another sip of her coffee. “You should have seen the face of the cashier girl when I told her my nephew and kid are you and Sabo.”

Ace couldn’t contain to withhold the bitter laughter that left his lips. He had always been the nephew, Sabo and Luffy were her kids. Dadan never referred to him as her kid or son, even though she raised him since day one and he did in fact share the same blood with her.

Dadan gave him a strange look, wondering what Ace was laughing about. “What’s funny, brat?”

Poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue, Ace snorted as he needed a second. Looking down at the floor he slowly shook his head as he ran one hand over his face. He came here with a lot of questions, and he planned to have answers for them, whenever he liked what he would hear or not.

“Don’t you wonder why I came here unannounced?” Straightening his posture, he finally looked his aunt in the eyes.

Dadan observed his face carefully. She would be lying if she said that her heart didn’t break from time to time for her nephew. This kid grew up with so much sorrow and anger in his heart. There was always this mixture of lust for life and sadness deep coded in his eyes. Part of her had wondered if he had ever felt happiness, real happiness in his life? She also knew that a big part of this sorrow came from her and the way she raised him, but what could she have done better?

“I do, Ace. You barely call or come to visit.” She didn’t dare to move her eyes as she was focused on guessing what was going on in his mind. Why did he look so tired, so miserable. “You do send me money, but… that’s all.” And this hurt her.

No matter how much trouble Ace had caused her in the past she did miss him. She wouldn’t say it aloud, but she did. And right now, she could see that something was clearly bothering him.

“Are there any problems with the band?” Ace just shook his head and mouthed ‘no’. “Is everything okay with Sabo and Luffy?” She only got a nod for a response. “Then what is it, brat? I’m not going to play guess with you.” Her tone became a bit harsh. Dadan was never a woman with a patience. With the way Ace was acting right now, her patience was running tin.

Hitting the table with his hand Ace couldn’t take it anymore. “Has it ever crossed your mind that I might not be okay?” The woman in front of him got a bit taken aback from his outburst. “Why is it away – how are Sabo and Luffy, but never how is Ace?”

For the first time ever, Dadan could not only see the sadness in her nephew’s eyes but hear the pain in his voice. What has happened to cause this?

Ace on the other hand was breaking from the inside. He was feeling at the edge of his being. After the last time he had seen (Y/N) at Sanij’s party, and how much he had hurt her, he wanted nothing else but to end it all. The pain in her eyes made him feel literal physical pain and he couldn’t believe that he had caused it. The only person who had brought a bit of peace of mind and happiness into his life, he had hurt so cruelly that he knew it was beyond repair. She would never forgive nor want to have anything with him ever again – and he deserved it.

That was why Ace was here today. He wanted to know – was he bad because of who he was a person or because of the blood that ran through his veins? Maybe Ace was a bad person after all, but he needed to know if it was all on him, or he could have a little peace with himself that and blame his father for the way he was. Did blood have anything to do with how we turn out as people or was it all based on another factors? Could we blame someone on how we turned as adults – good or bad, or the only person we could blame was no other but ourselves?

“You know, no need to answer this.” Ace waved his hand in front of his face to brush off the question he just asked. The answer was always obvious he didn’t need an answer to know it. “I didn’t come here for this question in particular, I came because…” Shutting his eyes and biting on his lower lip, he took a deep breath before he could say the name of his so-called father aloud. “I want to know about Roger.”

Dadan couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Ace had never asked about his father; about his mother – yes, but father – never.

“What do you want to know about him?” She asked, carefully observing Ace.

Pushing the chair a bit, Ace propped his elbows on his knees and buried his head in the palms of his hands as he slowly started to rub his head. He was having so many headaches recently and they were killing him. “Everything you know, with details.”

Dadan needed a minute or even more. What did she know about Roger? To be honest she didn’t know much. All she knew was mostly what people were talking about him – a criminal, a bad person. That was all she knew or at least wanted to believe.

With a heavy heart Dadan got up from the chair without saying anything, leaving Ace in the kitchen alone. She made her way to her bedroom. Going to her old chest of drawers, she opened the last one. There in an old box she kept something away from Ace since he was born, and now she started to realize that maybe she should have given it to him way earlier in his life. She wasn’t even sure why she hadn’t given it to him already, but she thought that he never cared to begin with about his parents or how they lived their lives.

Opening the old box there was a pink covered diary with black laced flowers around it and a little quote – ‘Do everything in love’. It used to belong to her sister Rouge. There she had written so much about her life and mostly her relationship with Roger. There might be all the answers Ace was looking for.

Going back into the kitchen, her nephew was still there. He sat on the chair with his back hunched over the table, lost in his own thoughts. Placing the diary in front of him on the table, he gave her a questioning look. Walking to her chair, she sat back down and pointed at it.

“This is your mother’s. All the questions or answers you’re looking for about your father must be there.”

“Have you read it?” Ace reached to take the dairy. It wasn’t very big, clearly very old, but it was quite used. His mom must have written a lot in it.

Avoiding looking at him, partly ashamed, Dadan nodded. “Yes… yes, I have.”

Opening the diary Ace slowly started to read through it. Most pages were with dates. His mother had a lot of hobbies, some quite strange from what he was reading. Most of the pages had stickers or pictures attached to them. His mother was a very interesting person. Page after page he finally reached the one where his father’s name was mentioned for the first time ever.

01.01.1997

The New Year’s Eve party I went to last night was amazing. I danced and sang all night. It was one of the best parties I’ve ever been to. It was with a lot of new people I’ve never met before, but it was so much fun.

I also met a very interesting man there. At first, he was loud and annoying, and I couldn’t stand him. He didn’t stop bothering me the whole night and demanding a dance with me. Finally, I gave up and I agreed to have one dance with him if he would leave me alone after and he agreed.

At first, I liked nothing about this man. He was obviously a bit older than me, but it wasn’t this that bothered me. But it all changed with one stupid joke and his jokes were awful (note to myself if I ever have a son – make sure to tell him to pick good jokes).

But this joke made me laugh like I’ve never had before, and it was like a light switch. Something changed like in a movie. It was like I got under a spell or something, because now I can’t stop thinking about this man. I can’t stop thinking about Roger.

06.01.1997

I thought that I would never see him again, but I was wrong. Today when I was at work someone walked into the flower shop and asked for me, saying that he was being told I work there. I was in the back when I heard my name being called. It was him. It was Roger.

He asked one of my friends where I work, and they told him, and he came to see me. He also invited me on a date. We are going out this Wednesday. Where? I don’t know, he said that it was a surprise.

I feel a bit weird about how excited I feel about this date. I’ve never felt like this before. Should I be afraid?

23.03.1997

Things with Roger are going great. I’ve never been more in love with someone as much as with him. I’m not just in love with him… I feel like I love him, but I’m a bit afraid to tell him. We have been together for two months. What if I scare him away?

But there is something else… he is hiding something from me. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it. Sometimes he acts weird, and he is quite rich for a man who claims to own just a pizzeria. I think he is doing something illegal, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. I must ask him.

14.04.1997

I was right and I don’t know how to feel about it. Roger confessed to me what he was up to. But he also confessed that he loved me.

I need time. I do love him as well. I do… a lot… but, I’m not sure if I can look past the fact that he is a up to a lot of illegal activities. This steps over my boundaries for what is moral and what not.

That is why I asked him for a bit of a time apart. I love him, but I hate the way he makes money for living. How can such a carrying and loving person do such a thing?

Carrying and loving? Ace had never heard someone referring to Roger as such. This must have been some other man, because it couldn’t be his biological father.

06.06.1997

It has been two months since I last saw Roger. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I miss him. I miss him so much - my heart, my soul, my being are crying for him. I want to be with him, despite everyone and everything. I love this man. I hope that he still loves me too.

17.11.1997

Life lately has been crazy. I even though I lost this diary.

God, I’m so in love. Life has never been better. I’ve never been more loved or carried about by someone as much as Roger does for me.

It is funny in a way. A man with such power in the criminal world to be capable of so much love. Sometimes it hurts me how some people portrait him as this bad, uncaring, sadistic person, yet he is not. Or at least not like this with the people he loves.

I’ve met most of his closest men. It’s funny how men who can break someone’s bones so easily are actually such sweethearts. There are two guys my age that work for him – Shanks and Buggy, they are like brothers. Both of them hilarious in their own way. Shanks is very cocky and low-key Roger’s favorite, while Buggy is a whole comedy show on his own.

Ace had to stop reading for a second. He knew that Shanks used to work for his father, but Buggy? Is that the same Buggy the Clow? (Y/N)’s dad. Thinking about it now and how you and Shanks are not actually blood related at all this made so much sense.

He didn’t know how to feel about this. The fact that your parents were connected somehow and years later you two met unexpectedly… the world was in fact very small.

Taking a deep breath in Ace shook his head and he continued to read his mother’s diary. There was so much to process even from only what he had read now.

Shanks tried to hit on me the first time he saw me, very sleek and cocky, but after he got a good slap on the head by Roger, he never dared to do it again.

Life is going on pretty fast now. If someone a year ago had told me that I would meet the love of my life I would have never believed them, but life has a funny way of showing us things that are meant for us. And Roger and I are meant for each other.

02.02.1998

We are getting married. I can’t believe it. Roger proposed to me. I’m over the moon. The man who I have been so in love with and love with all my heart and soul proposed to me.

I can’t wait for the day I will call him my husband, and he will call me his life. Gol D Rouge – it sounds so much nicer than Portgas D Rouge.

If it’s up to me, we’ll get married tomorrow. All I need is him and someone to marry us, but Roger wants to give me my dream wedding. How do I tell him that all my dreams start and end with him?

There was a polaroid picture attached to this page. Ace unattached it from the staple that was holding it and carefully observed it. Both Roger and his mother were on it, with Roger’s arms around Rouge, while she had hers around his neck and they both looked so happy… so in love. Their smiles were big; it was so clear that it was a real happiness that could be read in their eyes. Roger was dressed in a black suit while Rouge was wearing a white dress, almost as if they had gotten married, but they never got the chance to.

Putting the picture to the side, he turned the next page of the diary, and his brows raised with a bit of surprise. There was an ultrasound picture dated – 04.05.1998. His mom was in fact a big collector of memories.

10.05.1998

A week ago, I found out that I’m pregnant. I’m carrying mine and Roger’s child. Our first child.

I told Roger today. He cried. This big, scary man broke down crying when I told and showed him a picture of the ultrasound. Seeing him down on his knees, wrapping one arm around me and the other placed on my still flat belly made me realize something – I choose the best man and soon to be father for me and my child.

To our future dear baby – I don’t care about the gender, and does neither you dad, I want you to know one thing – you are wanted and very, very loved even before you are born to this world. - Love mommy and daddy xx

Ace reread the last paragraph again, and again, and again. He never knew that he was a wanted child, let alone a loved one by both of them, or at least his mom, after all this was her diary. He had heard from his aunt that Rouge was excited to become a mother, but now reading her own words… she really did want to be one. She did want him.

14.08.1998

My first trimester finished. My belly is still not showing much, actually not at all. I wonder if the baby has enough space in it.

I’m so happy. My precious baby is growing steady and healthy. I can’t wait to hold it in my arms already and so is Roger. Every night and morning he have a special routine with my belly – in the morning he sings to it and at nighttime he tells it bedtime stories or one of his many stupid jokes. The baby of course… wait why do I keep writing the baby? I’m sorry my love… You, of course, my precious child, still doesn’t response to us at all, but I’m looking forward to the day when you’ll start kicking me with your little sweet feet and let us know who sings better – me or your dad (I really pray you get my voice… your dad’s a lost cause).

A little laughter, almost like a giggle, left Ace’s voice. Her wish did come true. This was something that even Dadan had told him million times, that he got his mother’s talent when it came to singing.

Also, your dad is stuffing me with food. I’m not eating for two, I’m eating for at least four people. My biggest pregnancy craving so far is spicy food. I’m craving so much spicy food, and I think it comes from you little rascal of mine, you seem to like it a lot, but I’ll see if I’m right once you come into this world.

We still don’t know if you will be a boy or a girl, but both your dad and I think that you’ll be a boy. It’s a weird gut feeling, but we are like eighty percent sure that we’ll be right. But you can always prank us and turn out to be a girl. Nevertheless – it doesn’t matter. We love you to the moon and back already. - Mommy and daddy xx

Ace could feel his heart getting heavier and heavier. How could they have loved him already so much? And how was this the same man he had heard so many bad things described as such loving and carrying person? His dad… loved him? Roger… Roger so far didn’t sound bad or sadistic… he sounded very fun and nice, almost likable.

02.10.1998

You kicked for the first time ever today. It was in the morning, while your dad was singing to you. God, I wish I had a camera with me in that moment. Your kick was so precise and right in your dad’s face. I think you (and I) had enough of his awful singing.

Your dad and I will be finding your gender tomorrow. I’m so excited. We have already picked the names, or should I say your dad did: If you are a boy – Ace, after the band ‘Ace of Base’. Your dad and I had our first dance to their song ‘Lucky Love’ when we met for the first time ever. If you are a girl – Ann, after your dad’s mother, which I never got the chance to meet, but from what I know from you dad, she used to be a very lovely woman.

Ace pulled his phone immediately and searched for the song. He knew the band, but he had no idea he was named after them. He had no idea it was his father who picked his name.

While Ace was deep diving into his mother’s diary, Dadan pulled and lit a cigarette. Guilt was eating her alive. She should have given him this diary a long time ago. Maybe this would have been better for him, maybe then he would have less anger and sadness graved into his heart. But right now, all of this would be one big ‘What if…’

I can’t wait to know what I’ll be calling you from tomorrow. Your dad has been calling you Ace for some time now already; it’ll be funny if it turns out that he should have been calling you Ann this whole time.

Lots of love, - Mommy and daddy xx

03.10.1998

My Ace, my precious little Ace, my baby boy Ace.

We found out that you’ll be a boy today. We were right. I can’t wait to meet you baby. I can’t wait to hold you, and kiss you, and shower you with all the love I have in me. There won’t be another baby as loved as you will be my dear.

Now that I know that you’re a boy the strong kicks in my belly make even more sense. Part of me already sense that you’ll be as stubborn as me, but I do hope that you will take after many of your dad’s qualities as well – to be brave like him, strong, smart, carrying and so so many more.

We’ve already prepared ourselves to be the best mom and dad out there. Oh, Ace… I can’t wait to experience life with you. I can’t wait to see your first smile, hear your first giggle, see you taking your first steps… I can’t wait to meet you, my love.

Tears built up in the corner of his eyes and slowly started falling, something Ace hadn’t experienced for years. He didn’t remember the last time he cried, not even when he was watching (Y/N) leaving his apartment’s building that awful night three months ago; now they were falling one after another from his eyes and he couldn’t stop them.

He brought his fist to his lips and bit his knuckles as hard as he could to suppress the sobs threatening to escape his lips.

‘I can’t wait to experience life with you.’ These words stuck to him the most. This was beyond love. This was beyond everything. How much should you love someone to want to experience life with them?

Your dad and I spoke one night about how the perfect mixture of us would look like and I think we came to agreement – it doesn’t matter. Because you are already the perfect mixture of us and our love. - Love mommy and daddy xx

11.11.1998

To my Roger,

Today I had to see you getting buried six feet under the ground. Today a part of me got buried down there with you.

Life isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair to you, to me, and to our Ace.

Life wasn’t fair to you as it took you away so young. Life wasn’t fair because it took you five weeks before our Ace gets to be born. Life wasn’t fair to you because you would have to watch and protect Ace from above while you were meant to do it next to me.

Life isn’t fair to me. It took the man I’ve loved the most. The man that I’ll love forever. Life isn’t fair to me, because I can’t afford to grieve you the way I should, because I must make sure nothing will affect the health of our Ace.

Life isn’t fair to our son as well. He’ll never get the chance to meet you or know you, but Roger, I promise on my life, this child will know how amazing his father was and how much he loved and waited for him. I’ll make sure Ace knows how special he was for you, and he must be proud to be called your son.

I promise you that I will do anything and everything to protect him from this world. I promise you, Roger – Ace will grow to be a strong successful man. He is our child after all; he will make it.

The pain he was feeling in his chest spread through his whole body. His mother wasn’t able to keep any of the promises, but to bring him to this world, with the price of her life. And for what? For her son to turn into a failure? Good for nothing?

Life wasn’t fair to his parents; this was something Ace could really agree with. Mostly to his mom.

26.12.1998

Our son is a week late. I was supposed to give birth to him a week ago, but so far, he is quite stubborn and doesn’t want to get out. I think he is planning to wait until thirty first exactly, so you two can share a birthday. Not that I mind. I’m going to give him all the time he needs. When he feels like it’s his time to come into this world he’ll come.

Recently he has been kicking me like crazy in the morning. I think he misses your awful singing as much as I do… I miss it so much I started to pray that he can actually takes over your singing talent.

I can’t wait to hold him. Our Ace is the only thing left now which will remind me that I’ll have a part of you with me forever.

I love you, Roger. Always and forever.

This was the last page Rouge had written only five days before she would give birth to Ace and pass away.

His mind was a complete mess. They wanted him. They loved him. His parents were excited to have him. All he knew was this mom wanted him, he never knew how much she actually did and that she loved him so much. Not only this but his father… his father wasn’t so cruel as other people have portraited him to be. All his life Ace had heard how Roger took advantage of his mother, that he never loved her, he even heard that he had just used her once got her knocked up and never looked after her again, but the truth, the reality of it all was completely different.

Roger and Rouge were in love. Ace was made with love. He was wanted.

His heartbeat increased and he felt like his skin was burning hot, yet he was wearing only a T-shirt. With the increased pulse of his heart he felt like there wasn’t enough air to fill up his lungs. Cold sweat started to run down his forehead, grabbing his shirt with his fist he tried to take deep breaths as he could feel everything around him closing. The vision in front of him was blurry. He felt like everything around him was collapsing.

Dadan put her cigarette down and rose from her chair. What did he read to cause this reaction out from him? She had never seen Ace in such a state before. Scared, confused, fighting to breathe, all shaken up. What made him so emotional?

Walking next to him she grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. Ace’s head snaped towards her and in that moment, there in front of her wasn’t standing the big grown-up man he has become, no – in front of her was standing the little boy Ace. His eyes, red and still filled with tears, looked at her with so many questions in them. He looked so lost right now. Lost and scared.

“Try to breath kid.” Dadan told him as gently as she possibly could. Letting go of his shoulders she went to the sink and grabbed a glass, filling it with water. “Here drink.” She walked back to Ace, whose chest was still raising up and down like he had run a five kilometers marathon.

He couldn’t focus on what his aunt was telling him, but he still took the glass of water. With a shaking hand he lifted the glass to his lips and tried to calm his breathing a bit before he could take a sip.

Ace wasn’t sure how to feel right now. Finding out that you have always been wanted and loved by your own parents, even if they weren’t among the living people anymore, after twenty-six years would be a huge shock for anyone. Finding out that the man, who’s happened to be your father, was not the monster everyone portrayed him to be, was even bigger. Because now… now Ace couldn’t blame his father anymore for his heartless behavior.

Trying to calm his breath and collect his mind, Ace placed the glass on the table and got up on his feet. His aunt took a step back, giving him some space. Running his hands through his hair Ace closed his eyes before he spoke up. “Why?” The question came out as a whisper. Raw and painful whisper.

“What why, Ace?” Dadan took another step back.

“Why you never gave me this?” Taking his mother’s diary from the table Ace angrily waved it at his aunt’s face, shouting at her. “Why Dadan? Why?” His voice was cracking from anger, disappointment.

If a second ago he was consumed by fear and sadness, now Ace was seeing red. He felt like something that has always belonged to him has been kept away as a punishment. But punishment for what - for whom was his father or that he was born?

“Don’t dare to yell at me, brat.” Dadan screamed back at him. She would never let her be disrespected in her own house. “I never thought you care about your parents to begin with, let alone your father.” She answered more calmly. “Plus, I was afraid you might take after his bad criminal side.” Moving to the table she took her pack of cigarettes and pulled another one out, lighting it up. She took a long drag of the cigarette before she continued speaking. “You almost did, thought.”

“But I didn’t.” Ace’s voice roared so loudly it could have been heard even outside. Walking closer to Dadan he locked his eyes with her. He and her shared the same eye color, but now he was a bit darker than usual and full of rage and pain.

“All my life Dadan.” Slowly and quietly, he started speaking. “All my life, I felt guilty to be alive and I’ve always seen it in your eyes.” He pointed a finger at her. “You’ve always blamed me for my mother’s death. Always. After all these years I’ve always felt that you have some kind of resentment towards me, and don’t you?” She didn’t respond. Her face was like a stone. “If you’ve hated me this much why you didn’t give me to child services or something?”

“Because I’ve promised your mother.” And deep down she knew she had failed her promise. She always knew this, she just didn’t want to admit it.

“You promised her what exactly? And what exactly she made you promise?” Ace took a few steps back and waited for a response.

“That I’ll take care of you, brat.” Dadan said more harshly this time. She wasn’t the type of person who openly talked about things that would cause her pain. That was why she wanted this conversation between her and her nephew to be over. “Didn’t you get the answers you were looking for from that stupid diary?” She pointed with her hand at the pink diary in Ace’s hand.

“I did and now don’t know who or what to believe anymore.” Ace did get a few answers out of it, but now he had even more questions. “You’ve always said that Roger was a bad person and partner to my mother, but here-” He raised his hand holding the diary. “Here, with my mother’s words, he is a completely different person and far away from a bad partner.”

“Oh, Ace.” Dadan sighed. “I won’t believe everything your mother had written about this man. She was so blindly in love with this man, of course, she only saw the good in him.”

“So, there was good in him after all?” Ace walked to the table and rested the palms of his hands on it.

“Your mother was a young beautiful woman that Roger took advantage of it.” Dadan raised her voice a bit. “Like it or not Ace your father was a bad person.”

“You’ve said it yourself that you two never officially met. How do you know how good or bad of a person he was?”

“Are you defending him now?” His aunt raised one brow surprisingly.

Was Ace defending his father now? Maybe. As much as he didn’t like it, maybe after what he just read about him from his mother’s perspective had messed up with his opinion about his father and now, mostly because of Rouge, Ace felt like he had to defend his father in some way.

“Maybe, I am.” It was hard to say it out loud, but he did. “This doesn’t change the fact that you try to answer my questions with a question.” Sitting down opposite her, Ace tapped with his fingers on the table as he gestured to his aunt to start speaking. “Come on, Dadan. You’ve already messed me up years ago, believe me, nothing you say today, would make my live any more different than it already is.” A small sad smile was placed on his face.

The house got quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the warm spring wind coming from the opened window in the kitchen and the clicking of the clock on the wall. The curly ginger haired woman didn’t know what to say. She felt ashamed. She had felt like this many, many times before. Mostly because she knew she failed her promise. But today she realized how much she did actually fail.

Clearing her throat she finally spoke up. “You’re right Ace. I don’t know how much your father was a bad or a good person, but I never liked him. My sister, your mother, she was a woman with so much potential. She could have actually gotten out of this bad area of town, she could have gotten a very good job and had a very stable family, but sadly she met your father. And yes… she did love him. She did love him very much.” Saying this out loud, Dadan remembered one of the few times her little sister shared with her some of the things Roger had done for her. Her eyes were glowing every time she would mention his name. She would keep every flower he gave her even after it was dead. She would always say how Roger was the love of her life. Her soulmate. “From what she would tell me about him from time to time… yes, it did sound like he loved her as well.”

Ace was listening carefully. Dadan had never opened up to him or anyone to begin with. She was like an emotionally disabled person, there was barely any emotion she would show, and if they were any it was usually anger or disappointment, at least towards him. Sabo and Luffy received some love from her in one way or another.

“Before she died in the hospital bed…” Dadan needed a moment before she could continue to speak. Till this day, the thought of her sister’s last minutes before she passed away hunted her like a never-ending nightmare. “She called for me and I went inside her room. You were wrapped in her arms, and she was gently creasing your face while you slept. She called me in her room because she wasn’t feeling good. Then… then…” Tears started to build up as she remembered more and more the words her sister told her. “Then she looked at me and I could see tears in her eyes, but they weren’t tears of sadness, Ace… she was crying from happiness, even though she was in pain and not feeling good… she… she held you up a-and s-said…” Dadan’s voice cracked as tears were falling down like waterfalls from her eyes. “She said – ‘Look at him, Dadan. Isn’t he perfect?’” She buried her face in the palms of her hands as sobs started to escape her lips.

Ace didn’t say anything, nor did he try to calm his aunt down. He was just listening carefully and trying to assimilate what he had heard. And what he had heard broke his heart but also brought him a bit of peace. His mother had held him. He always thought that she had died immediately after his birth, but this wasn’t true. She got to spend some time with him. He got to spend some time with her, even if he couldn’t remember it, he had been held and loved by his mother even if it was for just a moment. He got the chance to be loved by her.

Wiping her tears away and trying to collect herself, Dadan cleared her throat and continued. “And you were Ace. You were perfect. You were innocent… a-and still are, when it comes to your mom’s death. I’m sorry if I ever said or made you feel like you were at fault for this. It wasn’t your fault. It was the doctors.”

Ace couldn’t believe what he was hearing. All these years he thought and was told that it was his fault. But it never was.

“She died from internal bleeding. But before she did, and they took her for emergency operation she made me promise that I’ll take care of you… and love you as my own child, like you were my own son… b-but I… I-I c-could never do this…” Her heart was breaking. She never took the role of his mother fully, because she never could. “I couldn’t do it, because you were their child. You were… you are her child, and the thought that I should take her place as your rightful mother never sat right with me, because… because no one could have been better mother to you than Rouge.” Ace didn’t say anything, he just let his aunt continue to speak. “I always saw myself as your aunt and never as your parent and now I realize how wrong I was for not at least try to be the mother you needed.”

Neither of them dared to say something. Tears were streaming down their faces. Both hurt by the same fate, but in different ways.

Ace wasn’t moving at all. He just let the tears fall. His mind was a mess, his heart was hurting, and his body was paralyzed. Seeing him in such a state broke Dadan’s heart. The realization of how much she had hurt this child, her child, her own and only living blood made her stand up and for the first time ever, in years, she went and hugged him. She hugged him in a strong hold and kissed the top of his head.

“I’m sorry, Ace. I’m so sorry for all the damage I’ve done to you.” She whispered to him. “You’re a great child and a young man. Your parents would have been proud of you.” She could feel the way his body was shaking and hear how he was trying to hold his sobs. “I’m proud of you son.”

Hearing this, Ace finally wrapped his arms around his aunt and let himself cry, without suppressing his voice. He let himself being vulnerable, something he never had done before.

It had been four days since me and Usopp have been editing. We had seven hours of material, of which so much could be used, but we decided to not make the movie longer than twenty minutes.

Looking at the time my eyes widen. “Oh my, we’ve been editing for eight hours.”

“What time is it?” Usopp turned to look at me as surprised as I was.

“It’s already six thirty.” And we were nowhere close to being done, we would need at least five more days or more. Taking a glance at Usopp, I clapped with my hands to catch his attention, as he had turned back to the computer’s screen to fix something in the editing program again. “I think we can call it the day.”

“Yea, we should probably do this.” Saving the progress we had made so far with the movie, Usopp closed the editing program and then turned off the computer. “Do you want me to give you a ride?” As much as his offer sounded very nice, I decided that it was best to turn it down. “You sure? I don’t mind.”

“Uh, Usopp, you’re a sweetheart. Kaya is a lucky girl.” I said to him with a smile as we made our way out. “But yes, I’m sure.”

Before we part ways and say goodbye, I asked him what time we should meet tomorrow only for him to remind me that tomorrow we must speak with the second-year students for our internship with them and which groups we would like to join. Something that totally had left my mind.

“Have you chosen a group already?” I was hoping he would say ‘no’, because working with a certain someone from the second year would be quite awkward for me.

“No, I’m still debating which movie to choose. Dave’s one is supper cool, is more of a modern sci-fi vibe, so maybe I’ll chose his group.”

“Oh, is he directing?” I was surprised to hear this. Knowing Dave and what he wanted to do with filmmaking, directing wasn’t his main goal.

“Apparently. He’s very excited about it.” Usopp turned to pull me in a hug as we reached the exit, and we were to go on our separate ways. “I doubt you would choose his, but it’ll be a very nice movie, think about your CV.”

Looking away awkwardly I just nodded. “Yes, sure. Well, we’ll text then. Bye, Usopp.”

Making my way to the metro satiation, I pulled out my headphones to listen to some music, but I have run out of battery for them. I took this as an opportunity to observe the outside world and also to see if someone was following me.

This weird feeling that I was being followed hasn’t left me for weeks. The only time I didn’t feel followed was when I went away for a week, but since I came back the feeling did as well.

Two stops before mine, two girls entered the metro, no older than sixteen. They were holding hands and singing while one of them had her phone up in the air. I couldn’t recognize the song at first nor heard it as they were wearing airpods, but the lyrics sounded familiar. Like I have heard this song before somewhere.

“Uhh, this is my favorite part.” One of the girls said as she continued to sing.

I tried to write your name in the rain, But the rain never came

As they sat in front of me and continued to sing, it immediately clicked to me where I recognized this song from… it was his song, to which I mentally rolled my eyes.

And if you were my little girl I'd do whatever I could do I'd run away and hide with you I know that you got daddy issues

This song was everywhere and as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t escape it. It was played so played and streamed, to a point where I personally think it was overplayed.

“Ace please, I can be your little girl.” One of them said while the other giggled. I couldn’t help but side-eyed the girl by the comment she made. Was she aware that she was a minor?

“Shut up, he is mine. I can cure his daddy issues.” Her friend replied and they started to mess with each other.

“Well, him and Law can cure mine for sure.” The first girl playfully licked her lips and they erupted laughing.

I couldn’t suppress the annoyed chuckle that left my lips. The two teenaged girls noticed it and gave me a weird look, which I chose to ignore.

Luckily, my stop finally came, and I left the metro. If I had to listen to one more dirty comment about Ace or any other of the guys, I was going to shoot myself on the spot. I doubted that they would still think the same if they knew how Ace treated the girls he was interested in. It was all fun and games until he decided that it was boring to play.

God, how I hated thinking of this man. I hated how much effect he still had on me despite all the things that had happened between us. Since I told Nami about what happened, my thoughts have gone back occasionally to him and the night of Sanji’s party.

Did he really get jealous when he saw me with Kid, and why would he? He was the one who didn’t want to have anything to do with me in the first place, and now he saw me with another man and immediately decided that he wants me back or something? And this whole ‘Let’s start all over again’ bullshit pissed me off so much. ‘Don’t forgive me just give me a chance.’ – did he think I was this brainless and so easily manipulated? I would neither forgive nor forget, because he didn’t deserve either of these.

Being caught up in my thoughts I finally approached my street and the building I lived in. My whole mood had changed. I was so pissed, and it was again because I allowed myself to think about him.

Not paying attention to my surroundings, I bumped into someone as I was searching for my keys at the bottom of my bag, I said sorry without even looking at them, but then they called me by my name, and this made me freeze on the spot. This voice. This painfully familiar voice which I hated from the bottom of my heart. What was she doing here? Swallowing hard I took a deep breath and continued to search for my keys in my bag. My name got called again. I felt the keys at the bottom of my bag and pulled them out.

“Please, (Y/N), wait.” Her voice has always been soft and a bit raw, I guess it was from all the crack she had smoked over the years. She came closer to me as I was opening the door, still ignoring her. “I just want to speak with you.”

Reaching with her hand to stop me from entering the building I snapped and finally turned around when I felt her hand touching my shoulder. “Don’t you ever dare touching me.” I felt the unpleasant feeling of disgust and anger taking over me. “What are you doing here?” So far in my life only two people have mastered how to make my blood boil, one less than the other but still -Ace and my mother.

I haven’t seen her in years. Last time she tried to reach out for me was almost two years ago and it was on the phone, so I cut her fast by blocking her number. Then I didn’t speak with my father for a month because he had given it to her, and he knew how much I despised this woman.

But seeing her in person was a surreal feeling, something that hasn’t happened since I was five years old, yet I could still recognize her face. Despite all the drugs she has taken over the years I would be lying if I say that she was ugly. The substance abuse had made her age a bit faster and added an unhealthy look to her, but still the same face I had seen in the pictures my dad had kept over the years.

I have always hated how much I looked like her but seeing her after all these years twisted my stomach in a very unpleasant way.

“I’ve wanted to see you and speak with you.” She took a small step back. The look of fear and guilt written all over her eyes, same color as mine. “Your dad gave me your address and…” She cleared her throat. “And I’ve been here for some time now, trying to approach you as-”

Cutting her off and not letting her finish her sentence I raised my voice at her as I let go of the front door and closed it angrily. “Were you following me around?” Looking down at the ground she slowly nodded. “I knew I wasn’t crazy.” I murmured under my breath.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t want to scare you.” The way her voice trembled with fear made me give her a questioning look. “I-I just want to speak with you, please just one conversation, I beg you.”

What was with people and wanting to talk with me recently? Since when have I become such an important person to people who have hurt me and now want to become part of my life again?

Without saying anything I looked away. The street wasn’t busy, there were barely any people passing by. The wind was blowing softly as the sun was slowly starting to go down. It was just me and her at the top of the staircase leading to the entrance of the building.

Looking back at her, with zero emotions on my face, in an even, unbothered tone I spoke to her. “What you want or beg for, you won’t get from me, because I don’t care. Now go away as I don’t want to see you ever again.” Turning to open the entrance door once again, I stopped because she called me by my childhood nickname, the one given to me and used only by her. This made me snap. “Don’t you ever call me this ever again.”

I never knew that my voice could be this loud. I also never knew how much exactly the pain and the anger I carried towards her were, until a quite vivid memory of the last days I got to spend with her played in my mind the second she called me by it.

It was a day like today. Sunny and warm but still windy. We went on a walk while my dad was at work. She asked me if I wanted an ice cream and to go to the park. I was almost five, of course I wanted ice cream and to go to the park, so we quickly made our way there. I remembered the way she gently held my hand and slightly swung it back and forth while I was happily skipping right next to her. When we finally reached the park and the ice cream shop she let go of my hand and let me run to the ice cream truck.

“Mommy, come.” I called out for her. With my tongue sticking out, I got on my tiptoes to look at the ice creams at display. “Mommy, mommy, fast.” Clapping with my hands excitedly I start jumping on one spot.

She finally came and picked me up in her arms. “Have you chosen already?” Her voice was so soft and caring as she caressed my little face. Nodding eagerly, I pointed at the ice cream I wanted. “But, honey, you won’t like this flavor.”

“Please, mama.” I grabbed her face with both hands and gave her puppy eyes.

Sighing she shook her head with a smile, before giving me a kiss on the forehead and buying the flavor I wanted and one more ice cream for her. Putting me on the ground so she could take them I bounced excitedly on my feet, reaching with my hands for the ice cream.

“Let’s go to the bench over there and I’ll give you the ice cream.” Pointing at the bench next to the playground I didn’t waste any time and ran off to it.

I sat on the bench and patiently, as much as one four, almost five years old child could be. Sitting next to me she handed me the ice cream with one little spoon. “Thank you, mommy.” I gave her one big toothy grin before digging the small spoon into it.

The moment I tasted the ice cream I turned to face her with a grimace. She started laughing at me and the faces I was making. Calling me by the nickname she always used for me, she took the ice cream from my hands. “What did I tell you?” There was nothing that sounded like scolding in her voice or looking like she was pissed. She was just gentle and caring. “Here, take mine.”

I took the ice cream she handed me, and my eyes shifted between her and the cold sweet treat. “But mama… this is yours.” I handed it back to her, but she shook her head.

“It’s yours.”

“Thank you, mommy.” I made a kissy face which made her lean closer to me so I could kiss her cheek. “You’re the best mama in the world.”

I never saw her after that day, nor did she try to contact me until I was twenty. Now she stood in front of me, having the audacity to call me by the nickname that I hate from the bottom of my heart, and wanted to have a conversation with me.

“Do you really think that I want to see you or speak with you after you didn’t bother to acknowledge my existence in the past seventeen years?” Taking a step closer to her made her move a step back from me.

“I was going through something.” She quietly said. Did I hear her correctly? She was going through something?

Raising my brows as I couldn’t believe what she had just said to me, and I chuckled. “You’re joking, right? You can’t be seriously telling me this?”

Shaking her head, she pulled a strand of her hair behind her ear, and I noticed the way her hands were shaking as she started to play with it. “I-I was in a v-very dark place.” Swallowing hard she looked at me with fear. “B-but you n-never left my mind. I was t-thinking about you all the time.”

A makeshift of mocking laughter left my lips. “Was this during smoking crack or sniffing something?” She turned her head to the side and her whole face scrunched as I continued. “Or was it during some psychotic episode?”

Wrapping one of her arms around herself she slouched her posture a bit. “I-I’m clean now.”

“Sorry, what was that?” Bringing my hand to my ear I pretended like I didn’t hear her. “Did you say you’re clean?” I faked excitement in my voice. “Oh my Gosh, congratulation. For how long two, three days? And what now, you wanna play mother and daughter?” Clapping my hands mockingly I waited for her response. I bet she fooled my father that she was clean, but she couldn’t fool me.

“Please, stop acting like this.” A soft painful cry left her lips.

Placing my hand on my chest I gave her a pitiful look. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I just happened to grow up without mother, so I lack a lot of manners.”

I was blinded by my anger. I didn’t know how much of it I had been holding for her until I saw her standing in front of me. All these years when I desperately needed a mother she wasn’t there and now it was too late. The person who brought me to this world was the first person ever to abandon me and for which I would never forgive her.

“For which I’ll never forgive myself, but p-please g-give me a chance for just o-one conversation.” She pleaded once again.

Slowly I shook my head. “No.” This time there was no mocking or laughing. “That night you left you made the conscious choice of abandoning me. I grew up without you. When I needed a mother, you weren’t there.” Tears started to fall from her eyes. “Instead, you were out there, who knows doing what.” I couldn’t hide the disgust in my voice. “You chose drugs over your family. Over your daughter.” She tried to say something, but I didn’t let her. “No, you wanted to speak with me, right? Here I am. Speaking to you.”

There were so many things I wanted to tell her. So many things I wanted to ask her as – ‘Why did you leave?’ Was I such a bad child that she had to just… leave? She didn’t even bother taking her stuff, we just woke up one day and she was gone. The first time she tried to contact us again was eleven years after. For whatever reason my father did keep in contact with her after that. I never understood why till this day he was so keen on her, but I didn’t really want to know the answer to this as I was sure I would not like it.

None of this matter now. As much as I had a lot to say to her, I also didn’t want to say anything. But I was hurt, and I needed to let her know, let her feel my internal pain from all these years, because this was the first and last conversation she was to have with me.

“I don’t care if you’re going to forgive yourself or not, because I never will.” Hearing this she pressed her hand to her lips to suppress the sobs coming from her. “I don’t care if you are clean or not, because I doubt that you’ll last long without your precious crack.” I couldn’t help but give her a disgusting look. “All these years I kept asking myself why – why did my mother left me? Was I such a bad child?”

Looking at her directly in her redden eyes I wanted to make sure that she would listen and understand what I was about to say next. “But there was no answer to these questions, until one day it hit me. I was never the problem; you were just one disgusting excuse of a mother and the worst thing that I got to carry within myself is the fact that I share the same blood with a piece of shit like you.”

My words were cutting deep into all the wounds she had but I wasn’t planning to stop nor to apologies about it. “Why you want to speak with me or see me doesn’t matter. You can go back to your biggest love in this world also know as crack and make sure to have fun and live without worry in this world as you have done so far. Be-”

“Stop, just stop talking.” Her scream interrupted me. “None of this is true, I had to go away because otherwise I was gonna end my life, would you have preferred this?” She then moved a few steps closer to me until she was standing just millimeters away from my face. “Would you have preferred to have a dead mother more than one that was not present in your life?”

“Yes, yes I would!” I screamed back at her. “Did you really think that abandoning me was the better solution? Do you even hear yourself? Actually, don’t answer this, all the shit you have smoked and taken has obviously fried your brain.” I couldn’t control myself as I pushed her away from me with one hand as she got way to close to me.

“Don’t you dare pushing me, I’m your mother.” She yelled at me and slapped my hand away.

“You’re not my mother.” I yelled back. She was pushing all my buttons at the same time. How could she call herself a mother? Giving birth and being a mother were two different things, apparently, she wasn’t aware of it. “For God sake, you left. You left and never came back and now is too late, and I don’t want to see you.”

“But here I am standing in front of you and asking for a chance to be your mom.” Her yell got mixed with desperate cry.

“I don’t need a mother. When I did you wasn’t here and now is too late, so go away before I call the police.” I turned around and inserted the keys to unlock the entrance door.

“So, you want to tell me that if I go and die tonight you won’t care?” She said behind me with a trembling voice.

Without looking at her, I clenched my fists and jaw hard as I tried to remain as calm as I could possibly be. “You’ve been dead to me for quite some time now… so it won’t make any difference.” Without waiting for a response, I shut the door after me and made my way to my apartment.

I was shaking by the time I reached it and entered it. Closing the door behind me I leaned my back on it and slowly fell down to the ground. All the anger and hatred and pain shifted into uncontrollable sobs. In between them I was gasping for air as everything around me seemed to suffocate me.

With shaky hands I reached out and pulled my phone, dialing my father’s number. It didn’t take long before he answered. “How could you?” I cried on the phone.

“Baby girl? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” The tone of his voice changed immediately. “Are you hurt? What happened?”

“D-don’t act like y-you don’t know.” Gasping for air once again before I responded I tried my best to calm myself, but I couldn’t. “H-how c-could you give h-her my a-address.” I wasn’t asking, I was shaming him. I wanted him to feel bad, to feel guilty. “You… you know I d-don’t want to have o-or do a-anything with her. I don’t want to be associated with this person, how could you let her know where I live?”

I have never felt more betrayed in my life than I was right now. The thing that hurt the most was the fact that it was my dad of all the people who did it. He knew how much it took me to accept the fact that she left us, he knew how much I closed myself for the outside world when she abandoned us and how hard it was for me to slowly start opening again. Seeing her today, after all these years, made me feel like all this progress over the years flew out the window.

My dad stayed quiet for some time, listening to my gaps for air, not knowing what to say first. Finally, I heard him exhaling heavily before speaking up. “I’m sorry, baby girl… but she is your mom, and I couldn’t keep her away from you.”

“You couldn’t keep her away from me even after you know how much this would affect me?” My heart was breaking. Of all people, I never expected this from my father. He was always my safety place, but now all I could feel for him was like he was my worst enemy.

“She is clean, and she wants a chance to show you she loves you.” He tried to defend her, which only added to my pain. Did he forget what we had been though because of her absence? “Please, give her a chance. I know that you don’t really know her, but baby girl… you mother is not a bad person.”

“My mother abandoned me, dad!” I screamed onto the phone. “She left me. Do you hear me? She left! She made the choice to leave while I needed her the most! How could you defend her after all the damage she had done to me? To us?”

My throat hurt from all the screaming. I could feel my voice slowly dropping an octave every time I screamed and tried to make my father understand me. “How could you defend the woman who abandoned you and your child?” I whispered as tears continued to fall on my face.

“I’m sorry, baby girl.” He quietly said. “Please, take some deep breaths and calm down.” His pointless attempts to calm me down were only adding to the fuel.

“I don’t want to calm down.” I yelled with whatever voice I had left. “I want to know why you betrayed me like this. You of all people. I thought you love me and never would allow anything to harm me, yet you sent the person who had hurt me the most straight to my home. How could you, how?”

The anger was somehow gone and replaced by the pain in my chest. This hurt way more than when Ace pushed me away three months ago, and I thought back then that nothing would ever hurt more but was I wrong.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen baby girl.” I could hear the guilt in his voice. “But… I thought that maybe if you meet her, you’ll find it within your heart to forgive her. I-I thought that even if it might be late, you two could try and fix your relationship.”

“Dad, do you hear yourself? What relationship?” It wasn’t like me and her fought two weeks ago and now we should make it up and forgive each other, no. I never fought with her until today, because I never got the chance to grow up with her. She abandoned me before I was even five years old; there was no relationship between me and her at all. It never existed and it would never.

“Baby girl, I know, but you must understand me and the position I’m in as well.” He whined from the other side of the line.

“What position, dad? What must I understand? The fact that you get so easily manipulated by a woman who left you seventeen years ago, is this what am I supposed to understand?” I really couldn’t understand him, neither did I want to.

“Don’t be so harsh (Y/N)!” He scolded me with a harsh tone which left me surprised. He had never really done this, why was he so defensive over her.

“Why are you so defensive for her but not me?”

“Because you’re acting like a child right now, and I wasn’t expecting this from you.” His tone continued to be a bit harsh. “Your mother is clean, and she is very scared and lost, but she is also trying to do the right thing by fixing things with you, but you as always have to make things complicated as you are sometimes so stubborn.”

I didn’t respond to this, I just cut him off by ending the conversation. He chose her over me. He chose her wants and needs over my own. He broke all the trust I had for him, and I would never be able to forgive him for this.

My phone started to vibrate. My dad was calling, but I ignored it. I just stared at the empty space, not really focused on anything, just staring. My mind was a mess, thought after thought running through it. I felt so alone, so lonely. I had no one to call who would understand me, or at least I couldn’t call him. I found it both scary and hilarious that even in a moment like this one, the only person who I could think of giving me some kind of comfort happened to be the one who had also broken my heart a few months ago.

I recently read somewhere – ‘The irony of pain is that you want to be comforted by who hurt you.’ I got the meaning when I read it, but I didn’t really understand it. Not until now. But it didn’t matter. I guess I was meant to be a loner. Maybe I was one of those people who deal with sadness and pain all by themselves. Maybe at the end of the day I was a bad person, because good people have a shoulder to cry on, didn’t they?

What my father said before I ended the phone call might be right. I was quite stubborn and harsh sometimes, maybe I was in fact the problem. Maybe my mother and I could have been able to fix things between us, but now we would never know.

Now I would never know, because the next morning I woke up my phone was spammed with messages and calls from my dad. Swallowing the pain and the betrayal I called him back, and part of me wished that I didn’t. My mother was dead.

I had killed my own mother. Not literally, but I did feel like her death was on me. It was my words who made her relapse. It was my actions towards her yesterday that made her overdose later that night. It was me who told her that it didn’t matter if she was alive or not as she was already death to me. It was her blood on my hands. It was her death that it would be on top of my shoulders, carrying it on my back as a cross and reminder that I am in fact a bad person. And bad people don’t make it far in life.

END NOTE: This chapter was supposed to be way, waaayyyy longer, but I decided mid-way editing that it was better to leave it like this as I realized that I wrote such a beautiful parallel between Ace and Reader and this should be the main focus for this chapter. I want to say that this moment between Reader and her mother was meant to happened and it was in my mind probably since chapter three of the story. I understand if you all hate me for the last part of the story and if you find it a bit too harsh, believe me I did try to actually made it as "soft" as I possibly can so I don't trigger someone with some trauma or something. BUT this is how I see the story going and this is how I plan to deliver it. I don't like flat character and I don't plan to write about such. Both Reader and Ace are complicated and this is what makes them perfect for each other, but there is still time for their relationship to develop more. While Ace somehow "improved" the relationship with his family and read how wanted and loved he always had been, our girl Reader went in complete spiral with her parents and how they hurt her growing up and also feeling betrayed by her father mostly. One of them got their heart a bit fix while the other got another heartbreak to add to their record. As always I will appreciate any feedback and reflections by you guys by either commenting or messaging me. I love hearing your thoughts on how the story goes and what you liked or didn't. ♡ Thank you for reading it ♡♡♡

✰ taglist ✰ @orange-milky @neospade @bluetokie @glaciuswduo @izoswifey @l-l-light @kanekisheart @gojossixtheyes @lilink @kitsunechan707 @kattywhomper

♡ comment or message me if you want to be included in the taglist ♡

writing, format & dividers © cinnamoonblue fanart @a_phu14 on IG ©cinnamoonblue, do not copy or plagiarise my work.

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chronicallycouchbound · 2 years ago

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hi I had a question about your cannabis post

i don’t know much about cannabis so sorry if I misunderstand smth

but I don’t understand what “safe” drug use implies,, how can drugs be safe? what’s safe drug use??

i probably have a very narrow view on this topic, so id like to know more

on a different note id like to thank you for your content, I feel that ive learned a lot from this account :)) thanks!!!

(feel free to ignore this)

It’s important to first recognize that more things are drugs than we normally consider: alcohol, tobacco, nicotine, caffeine, cannabis, are all drugs just as much as opiates, benzos, etc. Any medication is a drug.

Any drugs have the ability to be used properly and safely as well as the potential to be used negatively or harmfully. Drugs are morally neutral. Even addiction is morally neutral.

Alcohol can be used to cut loose with friends on the weekend, but it can also be used to cause poisoning. Tobacco can be used to calm down after an argument, but it can also cause cancer. Opiates can be used to manage severe pain, and can also cause overdose.

People have always used drugs historically, and in order to survive, people often need them. Using substances can also not just be medically or recreational, there are spiritual and cultural reasons as well. Some people need substances to manage their emotional or mental needs (especially without supports otherwise).

Any drug can be safe. It’s all in how it’s used, as well as within context.

Safe use looks different for everyone, but personally, I try to encourage methods that are harm reduction focused.

Harm reduction can look like:

• Safe supply of substances to ensure that people are getting unlaced stuff.

• Education so people know how to avoid accidental consequences of their use.

• Access to unused syringes or works to prevent blood borne infections.

• Having a designated driver or trip sitter.

• Sitting with someone while they use in case they have negative effects.

• Access to naloxone/Narcan to reverse opioid overdoses.

• Starting with a lower dose and going slow with use to ensure you’re getting the intended effects.

And harm reduction is so much more than just about substances, it’s things like seatbelts in cars and condoms and STI testing. It’s the lesser of two evils and a primary focus of harm reduction is that it keeps people alive above all else.

Some people like to say “harm reduction keeps people alive long enough to get sober” but I personally feel like sobriety isn’t always the solution for everyone, nor is it accessible to everyone.

But yeah, safe use exists, and most drugs ARE used safely every day. That’s what a pharmacist’s whole job is for.

•

I appreciate this ask, I’m always happy to talk about harm reduction. I co-founded a local harm reduction organization and have done a lot of advocacy around this— everything from reversing ODs, speaking on panels, testifying for bills with the ACLU, training communities on how to administer Naloxone, distributing safe use supplies, etc. I have a lot of personal experience with addiction and feel very passionately about this. I was tired of my friends dying and I just want to make the world a safer place.

#chronically couchbound #asks #asks answered #answered asks #harm reduction is mutual aid #harm reduction saves lives #harm redux #harm reduction #safe use #safer use supplies #safer use #naloxone enables breathing #naloxone saves lives #narcan

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skeleton-monarch · 1 year ago

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my dad works at a pain management clinic in the us, meaning he works with a lot of patients addicted to prescribed opioids as well as those addicted to many recreational drugs, we were talking about this stuff yesterday actually, and here are some things i learned (with added additional sources)

disclaimer! i am not a medical professional and you should do your own research! i am just someone how has grown up around this field and thinks knowledge on this is super important

here are some key terms to know about drug use, dependence, and addiction:

what is drug usage?

drug usage is a socially defined concept, when people talk about drug usage, they are commonly talking about the use of non-prescription substances to achieve an altered state of mind. it is important to note that prescription medication can also be counted as drug usage.

what is a drug dependence?

drug dependence is a “medical term used to describe use of drugs or alcohol that continues even when significant problems related to their use have developed” (johns hopkins).

what is a drug addiction?

drug addiction, also called substance use disorder, “is the medical term used to describe a pattern of using a substance (drug) that causes significant problems or distress . . . Substance use disorder, as a recognized medical brain disorder, refers to the use of illegal substances, such as marijuana, heroin, cocaine, or methamphetamine. Or the misuse of legal substances, such as alcohol, nicotine, or prescription medicines. Alcohol is the most common legal drug associated with substance use disorder” (johns hopkins).

what does “quitting cold turkey mean”?

“quitting cold turkey” refers to the practice of suddenly stopping all drug use of either one or multiple substances. this can be deadly and is commonly associated with worsened withdrawal symptoms.

what is withdrawal?

withdrawal is the term used to describe the negative consequences of a person stopping a drug they are dependent on. withdrawal can range from unpleasant to deadly.

what is overdose?

an overdose is when you take more than the recommended amount of a substance. colloquially, it usually refers to taking enough of a substance to cause death.

what is an illicit drug?

an illicit drug is a drug which is either illegal to possess or consume outright, or one which is only legally obtained via prescription obtained in another manner. the making and selling of illicit drugs has no government oversight.

what is MAT?

MAT stands for medication-assisted treatment

common drugs + their effects:

refer to this recreational drugs page, there’s a bunch: https://patient.info/healthy-living/recreational-drugs

sharing needles and needle exchanges:

sharing needles refers to the practice of multiple people using the same needle to inject a drug into themselves. sharing needles can transfer a variety of dangerous or life-threatening infections or diseases.

needle exchanges are places where drug users can deposit used needles (“dirty needles”) to get unused needles (“clean needles”). this is important not only for the safety of the drug user, but the safety of those who may come in contact with improperly disposed needles (sanitation workers, employees cleaning bathrooms, other people sharing a space with discarded needles).

what is fentanyl?

fentanyl is a potent narcotic used for pain relief in medical settings. because of fentanyl’s potency, it is sometimes combined with other drugs, oftentimes undisclosed, to produce them at a cheaper cost. a potentially lethal dose of fentanyl is 2mg. the only way to detect fentanyl is through the use of fentanyl testing strips. fentanyl does not work based on skin contact and is safe to handle with proper precautions (washing your hands, not ingesting or injecting it, and avoiding contact with open wounds)

what is methadone?

methadone is an opioid which can reduce withdrawal symptoms when trying to cut down or stop other opioid usage, such as heroin. methadone is prescribed by a doctor meaning it is known the entirety of what is in the drug. Methadone must be taken daily. (NIH)

what is naloxone?

“Naloxone is a medicine that rapidly reverses an opioid overdose . . . Naloxone can quickly restore normal breathing to a person if their breathing has slowed or stopped because of an opioid overdose.” (NIH)

what is buprenorphine?

“Buprenorphine is used in medication-assisted treatment (MAT) to help people reduce or quit their use of heroin or other opiates, such as pain relievers like morphine.” Buprenorphine’s effects do not continue to increase with the dose, and eventually reach a ceiling. (UAMS)

what is suboxone?

suboxone is a combination of buprenorphine and naloxone. the addition of naloxone increases the safety from overdose and it is longer acting than methadone. (American Addiction Centers)

okay! with all that out the way, we were mostly talking about methadone vs suboxone. methadone treatment can be hard to complete because most places make you come in physically every day to receive treatment, which obviously can be hard to impossible to do. suboxone has the increased safety of naloxone as well as the advantage of potentially working for more than one day per dose.

some of the biggest dangers to drug users are the safety of their equipment, safety of their drug composition, using alone, and not having anyone familiar with drug safety or what to do in the case of an overdose.

this all leads to how you can help, which is by staying informed! find harm reduction centers near you, needle exchanges near you, and if you’re lucky, safe use sites near you! if possible, supervise drug use. in oregon (and i’m not getting into the rest of their situation), they have naloxone vending machines and offer it otc!

research the specific drugs being used and how to safely consume them and how to safely go off of them. never encourage someone to quit cold turkey, it may kill them.

Advice if you love/care about an addict but they're not ready for abstinence. This is meeting people where they're at- the most important part of harm reduction

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rj17indemy · 26 days ago

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What Are Nic Salts? A Beginner’s Guide for UK Vapers

If you're new to vaping or considering making the switch from traditional cigarettes, you've likely come across the term "nic salts" or "nicotine salts." But what exactly are nic salts, and why are they growing in popularity among vapers in the UK?

In this beginner’s guide, we’ll break down everything you need to know — from how they work to whether they’re the right fit for your vaping journey.

What Are Nic Salts?

Nic salts (short for nicotine salts) are a form of nicotine derived from the natural salts found in tobacco leaves. Unlike freebase nicotine, which is commonly used in traditional e-liquids, nic salts are combined with an acid (typically benzoic acid) to create a smoother, more stable compound.

This chemical process allows the nicotine to be absorbed into the bloodstream more quickly, delivering a faster and more satisfying hit — which many ex-smokers find closely mimics the sensation of a real cigarette.

Why Do UK Vapers Choose Nic Salts?

1. Smoother Inhalation

One of the biggest advantages of nic salts is their smooth throat hit — even at higher nicotine strengths like 20mg, which is the legal limit in the UK under the TPD (Tobacco Products Directive).

2. Faster Nicotine Fix

Nic salts deliver nicotine to the bloodstream more rapidly, making them a perfect choice for people who crave a quick, satisfying experience — similar to smoking a cigarette.

3. Longer Battery Life

Because nic salts are used with low-wattage devices, they consume less power. This translates to longer battery life and less e-liquid consumption, making them cost-effective in the long run.

4. Discreet Vaping

Pod devices used for nic salts are small, sleek, and produce less vapor, which is ideal for discreet vaping in public spaces.

Are Nic Salts Safe?

Nicotine salts are no more dangerous than regular e-liquids — and vaping, in general, is widely considered a much safer alternative to smoking. Public Health England has repeatedly stated that vaping is at least 95% less harmful than smoking.

That said, nic salts contain high nicotine levels, so they’re not ideal for casual or light vapers. Always follow the recommended usage, especially if you’re new to vaping.

What Devices Should You Use for Nic Salts?

Nic salts are best paired with low-wattage, mouth-to-lung (MTL) devices such as:

Pod systems (like Uwell Caliburn, Vaporesso XROS)

Refillable MTL tanks

Compact vape pens

Avoid using nic salts with high-power sub-ohm devices as it may lead to nicotine overdose and harsh throat hits.

Are Nic Salts Right for You?

Nic salts are ideal if:

You’re a current or ex-smoker looking to quit.

You want a stronger nicotine hit without the harshness.

You prefer a portable, discreet vaping device.

You vape occasionally throughout the day rather than in long sessions.

If you're into cloud-chasing or intense flavor experiences, traditional freebase e-liquids might be a better fit.

Conclusion: Where to Get the Best Nic Salt Deals in the UK?

Whether you're a beginner or an experienced vaper, choosing the right nicotine format can dramatically improve your vaping satisfaction. Nic salts offer smoother hits, quicker nicotine delivery, and a cigarette-like experience — making them a top choice for many UK vapers.

Looking for affordable nic salts, pods, and vape kits in the UK? Visit Deals on Vape – your one-stop destination for premium vape products at unbeatable prices. Explore top brands like Elf Bar, IVG, Crystal, and more — all at discounts you’ll love!

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vapeshopindubai · 4 months ago

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How to Use EGP Nicotine Pouches

EGP Nicotine Pouches are a modern and convenient way to consume nicotine without the need for smoking or vaping. These pouches are discreet, smoke-free, and easy to use, making them a great alternative for those looking to quit smoking or reduce nicotine consumption. Unlike traditional tobacco products, nicotine pouches are placed under the lip, allowing nicotine to be absorbed through the gums.

In this guide, we will explain how to use EGP Nicotine Pouches properly, including step-by-step instructions, best practices, and frequently asked questions.

What Are EGP Nicotine Pouches?

EGP Nicotine Pouches are small, white, tobacco-free pouches that contain nicotine, flavoring, and plant-based fibers. These pouches are designed to deliver nicotine in a controlled manner without producing smoke, vapor, or odor.

Key Features of EGP Nicotine Pouches:

Tobacco-Free – No tobacco leaf or combustion involved.

Discreet Use – Can be used anywhere without attracting attention.

Variety of Flavors – Available in multiple flavors for a better experience.

Different Nicotine Strengths – Suitable for both light and heavy nicotine users.

Step-by-Step Guide to Using EGP Nicotine Pouches

Step 1: Choose the Right Nicotine Strength

Before using an EGP Nicotine Pouch, it’s important to select the right nicotine strength based on your preference and experience level.

Low Strength (3-6 mg) – Suitable for light smokers or beginners.

Medium Strength (8-12 mg) – Ideal for moderate smokers.

High Strength (14-20 mg) – Best for heavy smokers or experienced users.

Step 2: Open the Can

Most EGP Nicotine Pouches come in a round, plastic can. To open it:

Locate the lid’s edge.

Twist or lift the lid to open.

Inside, you will see neatly arranged pouches.

Step 3: Take a Pouch

Use clean fingers to pick up one pouch.

Avoid squeezing or damaging the pouch as it contains a carefully measured nicotine blend.

Step 4: Place the Pouch Under Your Lip

Lift your upper lip slightly with your tongue or finger.

Gently place the pouch between your gum and upper lip.

Position it towards the side of your mouth for comfort.

Step 5: Enjoy the Nicotine Release

Once placed, you will begin to feel a tingling or warming sensation as the nicotine starts absorbing through your gum.

First-time users may experience a stronger sensation, which subsides after a few minutes.

Keep the pouch in place without chewing or sucking on it.

Nicotine is slowly absorbed over 20 to 45 minutes.

Step 6: Remove and Dispose of the Pouch

When the flavor and nicotine effect fade, remove the pouch using your fingers.

Dispose of it responsibly in a trash bin.

Many nicotine pouch cans have a built-in disposal compartment in the lid for storing used pouches temporarily.

Best Practices for Using EGP Nicotine Pouches

✅ Do’s:

✔ Start with a lower strength if you’re new to nicotine pouches. ✔ Use only one pouch at a time to avoid excessive nicotine intake. ✔ Stay hydrated to prevent dry mouth. ✔ Store the pouches in a cool, dry place to maintain freshness. ✔ Dispose of used pouches properly to keep the environment clean.

❌ Don’ts:

✖ Do not chew or swallow the pouch. It is designed for slow nicotine absorption. ✖ Do not use multiple pouches at once as it can lead to nicotine overdose. ✖ Do not sleep with a pouch in your mouth to avoid choking risks. ✖ Do not use nicotine pouches if you are underage, pregnant, or have a medical condition that prevents nicotine consumption.

Common Questions (FAQs)

1. How long should I keep an EGP Nicotine Pouch in my mouth?

You can keep the pouch under your lip for 20 to 45 minutes, depending on your nicotine tolerance and preference.

2. Can I chew or bite the pouch?

No. Nicotine pouches are designed for slow absorption through the gums. Chewing or biting may release nicotine too quickly and cause discomfort.

3. How many pouches can I use per day?

It depends on your nicotine tolerance. Beginners should start with 1-3 pouches per day, while experienced users can use more. However, excessive use may lead to nicotine dependence.

4. Can I drink or eat while using a pouch?

It’s best to avoid eating or drinking while using a pouch, as this can reduce nicotine absorption and dilute the experience.

5. Are EGP Nicotine Pouches safer than smoking?

Yes. Since they do not involve combustion, smoke, or harmful tar, they are considered less harmful than traditional cigarettes. However, they still contain nicotine, which is an addictive substance.

6. Do nicotine pouches stain teeth?

Unlike tobacco-based products, nicotine pouches do not contain tar, so they are less likely to stain teeth. However, prolonged use may cause minor discoloration over time.

7. Where can I buy EGP Nicotine Pouches?

EGP Nicotine Pouches are available in online stores, tobacco shops, and convenience stores. Always buy from trusted sellers to ensure product quality.

Conclusion

EGP Nicotine Pouches provide a smoke-free, odor-free, and convenient way to enjoy nicotine. By following the simple steps outlined above, you can use these pouches effectively while minimizing risks.

Whether you’re a former smoker looking for an alternative or someone seeking a discreet nicotine experience, EGP Nicotine Pouches offer a great solution. Always use them responsibly, choose the right nicotine strength, and enjoy the benefits of a cleaner nicotine alternative

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vapematch · 6 months ago

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High-Nicotine Disposable Vapes: What Vapers Must Know

If you are a vaper looking forward to a more potent nicotine experience, you must choose from the class of products known as high-nicotine disposable vapes, which assure a convenient and satisfying vaping solution. Vapes with Nicotine are designed in a way they deliver higher concentrations of nicotine for providing a more intense and fulfilling vaping experience. However, approaching high-nicotine vaping safely need you to take informed decisions, which we will cover in this article.

Understanding Nicotine Strength

In disposable vapes with nicotine, the nicotine strength is measured in milligrams (mg) per milliliter (ml) of e-liquid. You must understand that higher nicotine strengths, such as 50mg or even 60mg, offer a more potent nicotine delivery. While the ideal nicotine strength can vary from person to person, it depends on several factors like smoking history, tolerance, and the nicotine intake desired.

Why Choose High-Nicotine Disposable Vapes?

There are several reasons why vapers prefer high nicotine intake. Here are a few most common ones.

Enhanced Satisfaction

Heavy smokers looking forward to transit to vaping and those seeking a more intense nicotine experience will find high-nicotine disposable vapes a more satisfying alternative to traditional cigarettes.

Convenience

Disposable vapes make vaping a convenient experience by eliminating the need to refill or replace the coil. These compact and portable devices are ready to use once they are unpacked.

Variety of Flavors

High-nicotine disposable vapes come in a wide range of flavors in order to cater to diverse preferences. From classic tobacco and menthol to fruity, dessert, and beverage-inspired flavors, you will find something to meet your expectation, taste and preferences.

Safety Considerations For Beginners

High-nicotine disposable vapes are known to offer a satisfying experience. However, safety is of paramount importance while using them. Here are a few safety guidelines while you move to vapes with nicotine.

Start Low, Go Slow

Beginners must start low and increase the nicotine intake in course of time. So, experts advice to start with a lower nicotine strength and gradually increase the strength as needed. With this approach, you can adjust to higher nicotine levels and also minimize the risk of nicotine overdose.

Monitor Nicotine Intake

Take care to watch your nicotine consumption and avoid excessive vaping. Overindulgence can lead to nicotine addiction and other health issues.

Consult with a Healthcare Professional

If you have any underlying health conditions or concerns, it is necessary to consult with a healthcare professional before you start using high-nicotine vapes. They are most likely to provide you personalized advice and guidance.

Responsible Disposal

You can’t overlook the topic of disposing disposable vapes properly to minimize environmental impact. It is highly necessary to follow the local regulations for e-waste disposal.

Take Away

High-nicotine disposable vapes are perhaps the best option for experienced vapers seeking a more intense nicotine experience. Nevertheless, beginners need to approach them with caution by prioritizing safety. When you understand the risks and benefits, and make informed choices, you are paving the road to a satisfying and responsible vaping experience.

For more information about Cheap Disposable Vapes Uk and Fruity Vape Flavors please visit:- VapeMatch.co.uk

#Vapes with Nicotine

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anandamananya · 2 years ago

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drug addiction

Addiction is a disease that affects your brain and behavior. When you’re addicted to drugs, you can’t resist the urge to use them, no matter how much harm the drugs may cause. The earlier you get treatment for drug addiction (also called substance use disorder) the more likely you are to avoid some of the more dire consequences of the disease.

Drug addiction isn’t about just heroin, cocaine, or other illegal drugs. You can get addicted to alcohol, nicotine, sleep and anti-anxiety medications, and other legal substances.

You can also get addicted to prescription or illegally obtained narcotic pain medications, or opioids. This problem is at epidemic levels in the United States. In 2018, opioids played a role in two-thirds of all drug overdose deaths.

At first, you may choose to take a drug because you like the way it makes you feel. You may think you can control how much and how often you use it. But over time, drugs change how your brain works.

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vapemoon · 2 years ago

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Australia Banning Disposable Vape Imports from 2024

Australia is set to prohibit all disposable vape imports from January 1st, 2024. The federal government aims to curb usage among youth and restrict the thriving illicit trade.

Ban Closes Loopholes Enabling Black Market

The import ban intends to eliminate loopholes allowing cheap, disposable models to be smuggled in from China. These prefilled, non-refillable vapes with flavored nicotine salts are sold illegally online or in stores.

By banning imports of single-use devices, Australia combats ballooning black markets. Regulators have linked recent overdoses to toxic chemicals in counterfeit vape fluids too.

Medical Prescribing Expanded Alongside Import Rules

While restricting imports, approved access pathways will widen from 2024. All doctors and nurses can then prescribe vapes containing nicotine for smoking cessation or therapeutic use.

Patients will also be permitted to fill repeat prescriptions at pharmacies under the streamlined regulations. Strict standards will still govern products, flavors and nicotine levels.

Phased Prohibition Through 2023 to Eliminate Commercial Trade

In the lead-up to the 2024 import ban, gradual prohibitions will be introduced during 2023. First, individuals cannot import vapes for personal use from March.

Shortly after, laws will block non-approved, non-therapeutic vape imports by retailers or distributors. Domestic manufacture and commercial supply face 2024 prohibition too.

Urgent Actions to Curb Teen Usage and Addiction

Driving reform is evidence that disposable models have spurred youth vaping experiments, putting 20% of young adults and 14% of teenagers on the path to dependency.

With vapes fast becoming the most lucrative contraband for organized crime, Australia is taking aggressive steps to avoid another public health crisis. Critics argue enforcement could prove difficult, however.

Global Leadership in Regulating Harmful Nicotine Products

Hailed as a world-first, the policy emphasizes vapes were only ever approved as smoking cessation devices, not recreational alternatives that appeal to adolescents.

By combating imports and commercial trade, Australia leads in regulating vapes and other emerging nicotine products strictly as medications requiring oversight.

#vape #vapeshop #vaping #disposable vape #vape australia

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vapehk1 · 2 years ago

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What Are the Health Risks Associated with Dry Herb Vaporizers?

Dry herb vaporizers are becoming increasingly popular these days, but they do carry some risks. It's important to know what health risks are associated with dry herb vaporizers so you can make an informed decision before you buy one. But also, important to know is: A lot of these health risks are avoidable with proper research and using the right vaping techniques. Today, you’re also getting tips to avoid risking your health when using a dry herb vape. 1. What is a dry herb vaporizer? A dry herb vaporizer is an electronic device that heats herbs or flower at a lower temperature than 446°F(230°C). By doing this, it releases aromatic compounds. When it comes to cannabis these aromatic compounds are the cannabinoids and terpenes. It heats the material at a temperature just below the point of burning, releasing the active ingredients into a vapor that can be inhaled. With a dry herb vaporizer, you avoid the harmful byproducts of burning, like: - Tar, and; - Carbon-dioxide. For people who use dry herb vaporizers, they sometimes have separate functions as well for different types of materials (mostly concentrates like wax and shatter). The vaporizer itself is usually a combination of: - A heating element, - A herb chamber, which is where you put your herbs, and; - A vapor path, usually some sort of tube that connects the herb chamber to a mouthpiece. Vaporizing with a dry herb vaporizer has become a popular alternative to smoking cannabis. A popular misconception is that dry herb vaporizers are the same as e-cig type of vapes. Dry herb vaporizers are not the same as e-cigs. Unlike e-cigs, dry herb vaporizers are not intended to deliver nicotine or other substances found in tobacco-containing cigarettes. Instead, they are used to inhale various substances that are found in a plant called cannabis, which is better known as marijuana. While it generally is a healthier alternative to smoking, there are some health risks associated with dry herb vaporizers. 2. What are the health risks associated with dry herb vaporizers Generally speaking: For those who want to avoid the harmful side effects of smoking, using a dry herb vaporizer is a good alternative. But that doesn’t mean dry herb vaporizers are without any risk. The health risks of dry herb vaporizers are often poorly understood. Compared to smoking, the risks are lower, but they are not non-existent, and you should be aware of the associated risks. After all, vaporization is not necessarily a solution to smoking; it is simply a different way to consume cannabis. It removes some of the risks associated with smoking, such as your exposure to: - Most carcinogens, and; - Other toxic by-products. Also, compared to edibles, the risks related to edibles are not there. Risks such as the delayed effect and overdosing, but vaping weed introduces other risks. The most common health risks of dry herb vaporizers are related to unregulated or fake devices. Many of the models that are available in stores are of low quality, and the materials used in their construction can literally be dangerous. As you may know, there are several types of materials used in vaporizers: metal, ceramic, and plastic are some of the most common ones. Each material has its own advantages and disadvantages. Plastic is a common material in dry herb vaporizers, and while it's useful because it’s lightweight, it can pose health risks if heated. Dry herb vaporizers heat your dry herbs, not just to the point that they vaporize your herbs, but they continue to heat the herbs as long as your device is on. All this time your vaporizer is radiating heat. Especially plastic that isn’t heat-resistant can become a problem for long term users. Here’s why: There are a number of health risks that come with the use of plastic in a dry herb vaporizer. While many dry herb vaporizers have heating chambers constructed of metal, plastic is also used to cover a chamber’s sidewalls and the area where the herbs sit. These are areas that get extremely hot. The problem? Not all plastic can withstand the heat. Then there’s another plastic-related danger that users should be aware of: The plastic mouthpieces that some manufacturers use in their dry herb vaporizers. As you know, when you use a dry herb vaporizer, the vapors you inhale are from herbs, not the device itself. However, if the mouthpiece is made of plastic that isn’t heat-resistant, the hot vapor can eventually start to break down the plastic and can have toxic chemicals leached into your vapor. Then you’re literally vaping your device’s materials. Many plastics release toxic chemicals when heated to a certain point. But those are not the only risks. While dry herb vaporizers release significantly fewer toxic byproducts, when the temperature is high enough even a dry herb vaporizer starts releasing some toxic by-products. Studies have shown that when you go above 392°F/200°C with your dry herb vaporizer, you risk inhaling benzene, which is a known carcinogen. The bottom line: Vaporizers for dry herbs are growing in popularity as a healthier alternative to combustion. But there are several reasons why you should always research a vaporizer before you buy it. Especially if your vaporizer has any plastic parts, make sure they’re of the heat-resistant type. 3. How to avoid these risks This goes without saying, but always get your vaporizer from reputable brand and make sure to buy from one of their authorized dealers. There are a lot of fake vaporizers on websites like Alibaba and Ebay. Some of these are manufactured with plastic that isn’t heat-resistant or low-quality metals around the heating element. Avoiding health risks with dry herb vaping starts with getting a quality vaporizer. While dry herb vaporizers are generally safe and effective, there are a few things you can do to avoid health risks while using them. The second step to avoid health risks is to make sure you are using your vaporizer properly. While you may be tempted to jump straight into using your vaporizer, you should make sure you read the instructions first and understand how to use your vaporizer correctly. With some vaporizers you can easily combust if you use the wrong techniques. Not every vaporizer has a precise or accurate temperature control system. With some vaporizers it’s easy to go above 446°F(230°C) and accidentally combust. When you combust, it will be as if you’re smoking and you’ll lose all the health benefits associated with using a dry herb vaporizer. Another important factor is to keep your vaporizer clean. Cannabis is a resinous plant. This resin sticks to various parts of your vaporizer. But resin is acidic. When you don’t clean this acidic resin, it starts corroding your vaporizer’s materials. If you enjoy nicotine rather than dry herb, choosing a safer method like juice head pouches would be great. 4. Vaporizers are healthier than smoking When you smoke weed, the cannabinoids, including THC (the active ingredient responsible for getting you high) are released from the plant and inhaled. However, burning plant matter has been shown to release a variety of toxic chemicals like: - Polyaromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs); - Tar, and; - Carbon-dioxide. These chemicals have been found to cause cancer in animal and human cells, as well as damage DNA. Since vaping does not involve burning, there is significantly less risk of inhaling PAHs, tar or carbon-dioxide. Even studies have shown that vaping cannabis allows users to experience the effects of cannabinoids more quickly and with significantly fewer toxic by-products. Conclusion If you’re still smoking your cannabis, know that dry herb vaping is a less harmful alternative. But also: Know that dry herb vaporizers come with their own risks. Fortunately, today you’ve learned how to avoid most of these risks. Read the full article

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oscar-knowles · 7 years ago

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Guides for Vapers To Avoid Overdose on Nicotine

Vapers aren't probably going to endure nicotine poisoning, yet one thing that is genuinely basic is having excessively much nicotine in one sitting.

Different Indications:

The greatest indication you've achieved this point is feeling sick. You may see this towards the finish of a long vaping session, and it's successfully your body instructing you to take a break from vaping for some time.

As far as I can tell, this sickness increases slowly, yet it's best to simply take a break when you see it beginning. Along these lines it never turns out to be excessively obnoxious, and you won't encounter the most imperative other starting indication: vomiting. You can buy Vape from online vape shops in UK.

This isn't difficult to stay away from by any means, and most vapers will have a break whenever there's any hint of sickness even without being encouraged to do as such. You may likewise get a cerebral pain in the event that you've tried too hard a bit, yet queasiness is the simplest thing to keep an eye out for.

Treatment for nicotine overdose:

Treatment for nicotine overdose is typically completed at a healing center. The medicines managed will rely upon the measure of nicotine ingested and the manifestations experienced.

Initiated charcoal might be utilized to tie with the nicotine in the stomach and remove it from the body. If the individual is encountering breathing challenges, a ventilator will be utilized to convey oxygen. Other steady medicines, including drugs, are utilized to oversee seizures, low circulatory strain, and abnormal heart rates.

When helping a friend or family member who may have been influenced by nicotine lethality, the primary activity is ensure they're protected.

If they're cognizant, have them sit still while you call for help. If they're not cognizant, ensure they lie on their side. This keeps the likelihood of stifling on regurgitation. You ought to never urge a friend or family member to compel themselves to upchuck after a toxic substance introduction. You additionally shouldn't give them any nourishment or fluids.

Deal with some sort of harm:

Nicotine posioning ought to be dealt with like some other sort of harming. Call the toxic substance control focus at 1-800-222-1222. The middle is open all day, every day to answer questions and offer guidance for conceivable lethality to an assortment of substances.

Extreme cases warrant a crisis room visit. Call 911 to ask for a rescue vehicle. At the healing facility, you can help your adored one by speaking with therapeutic staff about any data you think about the occurrence.

Used in different Medications:

Nicotine can be as addictive as different medications, including liquor, cocaine, and morphine. Notwithstanding nicotine, tobacco is pondered 70 cancer-causing agents. These synthetic concoctions can result in the improvement of smoking-related maladies, for example, lung cancer, heart disease, and stroke.

#Vaping #Avoid Overdose of Nicotine

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theglowyscorpio · 4 years ago

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all set | eren x reader

a/n: this is a story in the making, currently available at AO3 and Wattpad. If you like it, please don't hesitate to give me some kudos, leave a comment or maybe follow me on my social media! <3 Any feedback is highly appreciated since I'm just getting started!

pairing: eren yeager x female reader

tags: mature content, alternate universe (modern setting), college/university, recreational drug use, implied sexual content, M/F, F/F, the author is not religious lmao

word count: 4.3k

current chapters: 2/?

playlist: this one was made with a particular playlist in mind. they are really great songs that help to convey this chapter, so I hope you have a time to check them out! :)

a. slomosa - kevin b. upsahl - drugs c. rosenfeld - like u d. kaiba - overdose e. lil kapow - tinman f. bodega - how did this happen!?

***

all set

I lost count of how many parties I went to this week. There was one at Shina, another at... Sasha's. Wait, was it? Or Ymir's? Honestly, both their houses look fairly similar and we always see the same faces over and over again, regardless of where we are getting wasted. Definitely two at my house. The timeline is blurry at this point. If my liver could talk, it would spit out "Screw you, Eren." and I wouldn't be able to disagree.

Classes will start next week so everyone is acting like we're going to stop doing all this for the rest of the semester. That never happens.

I barely enter Reiner's house and the music is already piercing my head. My ears will soon tell me to go screw myself too. The bass was loud. But it was good.

— Hey, finally — Reiner says, giving a hard slap in my back. I can't even get mad at him because he probably didn't mean for it to hurt. Fucking strong bastard.

— Sorry. Lost track of time.

— You know where the things are — he leaves me behind and disappears through the noisy music.

It's hot inside. August has been particularly cruel this year. I'm using a black t-shirt, which is luckily pretty thin, and my black Adidas pants that are somewhat breathable. My hair is in a bun. I will probably be sweating soon, though. Reiner's AC won't do miracles with this amount of people since it is specially packed today. I guess I might see some new faces tonight, huh.

This fact already makes things more interesting.

I walk through the room and then arrive in the kitchen. Connie and Sasha are there.

— Eren!! — I barely open my mouth to talk and Sasha is already giving me whatever weird drink they made. Their drinks sometimes are... unusual, for the lack of a better word. Most of the time they are simply pure shit. They call it scout's fuel, always the same name regardless of what's inside. Maybe that's why my liver hates me so much.

— Thanks — I'm already used to the goddamn gasoline taste — I guess you both want to get us wasted tonight.

— It's our personal mission, so enjoy the fuel — Connie says laughing, raising his plastic cup. I love this duo – who doesn't? – and I can't help but laugh with them, even though it tastes so bad — Everyone is already here, come on — I follow them and find all the familiar faces I've seen all week: Bertholdt, Historia, Ymir, Mikasa, Annie, Armin, Jean, everyone.

The girls look hot, even though I'm used to them. Either way, I avoid hooking up with my friends since the last time didn't work so well. It's better to avoid Mikasa today.

We all sit together while drinking. I light a joint I had already prepared at home and say — Am I crazy or is Reiner's party bigger than usual? —, releasing the smoke a few seconds after. This one is the best grass we could get around our area, I've saved it primarily for today and now I see that might have been a great decision on my part. I'm glancing through the room and looking for some girls, might share this shit with one - or a few - of them later.

— Thank god, I was tired of seeing your ugly faces every fucking time — Jean says. The girls look at him and he rushes to add — I mean, the boys, of course. It's always nice looking at all of you, ladies.

It's not enough to avoid Annie's kick anyway — We can say the same of you, horse face.

Reiner arrives at the perfect time and explains — Since the new semester starts Monday, news about today traveled fast and we got a lot more company than usual.

— Do you know all of them, Reiner? — Historia asks — I've talked to a bunch of them tonight and there are people from all over the campus and from all years as well — Historia always looks pretty, her blonde hair shining even in the low light of the party. Guys make a line to talk to her at all parties so there's no surprise that she's already familiarized with the whole scenario. I wonder what Ymir thinks of it. Probably followed her during this little field trip.

— Hell, no — he grabs the joint of my hand and sucks deeply — I know some of them and some are Bertholdt's friends but there are some random people.

— I bet Reiner knows a lot of the girls — I take my joint back from his fingers — I assume they aren't Bertholdt's friends, though — and grin.

— Hey, I don't see you with any new company either, dude — Bertholdt tries to grab my weed as well, but I avoid his advances. He instead grabs my cup and drinks all of it, leaving me empty. He makes a funny face at the taste. Suit yourself, man, I think to myself, laughing on the inside.

— Yeah, but I'll work on it in a sec — I tease him knowing that he can't handle much of Sasha and Connie's fuel. He always knocks out before everyone. I hope he realizes he needs to stay awake to try anything with Annie. Someday. He simply never gets there.

Hange arrives almost falling over Ymir and spilling her drink on the floor in the process — I think we should all make a toast and make this last party a wild ride!!! — her yelling stabbing us louder than the music.

— Bitch, you are this fucking drunk already? — Ymir says to her, holding Hange's weight on her back — What the hell did the gasoline duo do to you?

— Okay okay, enough with the questions, let me fill your cups because this is the night! — Sasha says, just pouring all that mystery liquid that soon will go straight to our heads — Also, Reiner, where's the food?

We raise our plastic cups and Connie yells — To the new semester! — and we drink, feeling the immediate burn on our throats. It's hard being a scout.

— I need to get laid today — Jean says as he lays his back on the couch — Gonna arrive for the classes pretty motivated next week — he then rests his left arm at the back pillow, behind Mikasa's head.

— You should start roaming, then — her cold delivery puts Jean's subtle attempt at flirting six feet under the ground, as usual. It was pretty damn quick, but I could notice Mikasa glancing at me and then looking the other way. Yeah, I think I need to start roaming soon, too.

— That sounds great, then let's do that!!! — Hange grabs Jean by the arm and they disappear amongst the crowd.

— When all this fun ends, I'll be the one who will probably have to take him home after he gets slapped by some girls — Armin and Jean live with me so we normally go back together. Armin is the responsible one between us, which is not exactly hard considering how Jean and I are — Gonna at least drink some beer before that happens.

— I'll go with you, this drink sucks — Annie says, finishing the drink anyway and following him. We always drink the last drop of it, we never learn.

The girls went dancing, the music was exceptionally good today. A lot of bands I already liked plus some I have never heard before. I need to remember to ask Reiner for this playlist later. Connie was already surrounded by a different group, everyone likes to talk to him. He is popular. The rest dispersed as well and I could hear Hange's screams far away. This is going to be a night for her, indeed.

I start walking around, meeting a lot of people from my classes and others from the campus in general. I talk to all of them and drink a lot in the process, which feeds my need for nicotine every time. I grab my pack of cigarettes and while smoking, I see Levi.

— I must be dreaming — I say, letting the smoke leave my lips with a smile. It reaches him and looks at me with a deadly expression. He is smoking as well, but he only admits one specific brand of cigarettes and hates all the others. Levi usually doesn't show up at these "brat" parties, as he likes to say, since he's a few years older than us. I normally see him at Shina's, which is a popular club slash bar near our university. He's the owner so we all met him there, after going so many times. Shina has the best parties and the best drinks of all the clubs near us. And it couldn't be any other way, since Levi is a perfectionist. There's also a small stage there, where indie bands perform from time to time. My band does some gigs there sometimes.

— Hey — he replies, as cold as ever. He's Mikasa's cousin, so they have the same expressions and hard-to-approach vibe — Already high, I see.

— Always. In fact, today I hope to be higher than usual. What miracle brings you here?

— Some people from the staff decided to come here today so there are fewer brats to piss me off — he drinks what's probably a high priced whiskey and continues — and there's a new girl at the club so we have been showing her the area for a few weeks now.

— There's a lot of new girls here today — although I know Levi doesn't give a crap.

— So? — yeah, he doesn't.

Levi is a pretty successful business owner and even I have to admit that he's hot – is not only common knowledge but a mutual agreement between everyone –, so girls are always trying to get him, but he doesn't screw most of them. He doesn't fuck brats, period. He says he doesn't have the patience. That makes the girls even more desperate. He has the highest standards of every guy I know. When he was still in university – the same we all go –, he screwed not only the hottest girls but also the professors - which went after him and not the other way around. At least that's what I've heard. I think Levi never had to actively look for any girl, to be honest.

I can only laugh at his reply. That's just so him.

— If you want more stuff than what's already in your system, Floch is over there.

— I want, actually. I was going to look for him — I see Floch's red hair among some folks. Floch is usually as busy as Connie but with less than half of the charisma.

He finishes his cigarette, blowing its last white smoke into the air, and we both hear a loud HELL YEAH!! coming from all the other way across the room — Tsk, is that Hange?

— Pfft, it was before, I think it's Sasha now — he doesn't laugh at my reply. He never does. I think hell would freeze while heaven catches on fire.

I think about the music again. It's so good today, what the hell — Hey Levi, don't you think this playlist is too high quality for a Reiner party? I don't get it, his music taste is always pure trash.

— That's from our new girl — he drinks the last drops of his whiskey and starts to leave — You might find her around here — he then suddenly stops and looks at me — Don't get your hopes up, though.

I am not able to ask what he meant by that because he leaves too quickly. Time to look for Floch.

— Hey, Flo-

— Here.

— You didn't even let me finish.

— I know what you want. You are not in the mood for cocaine so you want MD instead, blah-blah-blah-blah. Is that kind of night — he pauses for mere seconds — Am I wrong, Eren?

— Nope, right as usual — Floch is the main person you go to when you need drugs. I mean, good drugs. He looks like your standard rich boy – which he is, by the way – that can do no wrong, but you can get the best stuff from him. I've always found this funny. The weed I have today was his work. He knows my taste well.

Reiner's frat house is huge, so there's plenty of room to walk. I'm approached by a bunch of girls on the way but for some reason, none of them piques my interest. I am pretty set on going after something new today and I have no problem getting laid. It happened every single day this week and it truly happens anytime I want. Which, okay, boosts my ego a little bit. Maybe a lot. I might even have hurt some girls in the process. I was never slapped though, unlike Jean. So that's a win in my book.

I see a few of my friends again, mainly Historia and Reiner, and they are talking to a girl I've never seen before.

She has long black hair and short messy bangs, the kind that goes a little above the eyebrows. I didn't know black hair was my thing until now. Her face has the perfect features, at least for me. She's wearing a sleeveless white top that is so tight that hugs her figure perfectly and makes her breasts look amazing. That type of top that shows the girl's side boob, and I'm a total sucker for those. It is also short so you can see a bit of her waist. And I don't even have to see her ass because I already know it is probably too damn good. Her light blue ripped jeans are cool as well and she has black sneakers. I like her style. She has a bunch of tattoos - a lot on her right arm, one on her left hand, and probably some that I couldn't see because they were behind her clothes. I intended to, though.

Fuck, she's hot.

Historia looks mesmerized talking to her, which is a very privileged view from where I stand because, as I've already said before, she is also beautiful. But she isn't exactly hot. This girl is. Way too much. Oh, and Reiner is there too. Whatever.

I can see a lot of guys want to approach her but none of them do. I went for it. Wasn't this night supposed to be wild?

— Hey, Eren! Guess what, Y/N is the new DJ at Shina! I was telling her how we go there all the time.

— Hi, Eren, nice to meet you — she says, with that kind of smile that people who know they are hot make. I do that too.

— Hey, Y/N — I say. And as I told you seconds before, I'm good with that type of smile as well so that's what she gets — Levi told me he came with the staff and a new girl, so I suppose that's you.

— Yeah, I'll start there next week.

— I talked to him about the party's playlist because I knew it couldn't be Reiner's.

— Yeah, it's Y/N's. She prepared it for the party when I invited the guys from Shina yesterday. We were in the same high school. — Reiner says that looking at me with a face that shows "See that, dickhead? I've known her for some years now".

— It's pretty good! I can't wait for the next party at Shina's to see your set! — Historia was always an angel.

REINER, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE ICE, MAN??, someone screamed far away.

— Shit. Catch up with you later, Y/N.

Too bad, huh, Reiner? He gives me a look that I can't quite figure out what it is, but I know for sure it wasn't a look of support. In the fucking slightest.

— I think Ymir is calling me as well, sorry!! — It was painfully obvious that Ymir wanted to make out with Historia for some time now. They never did. I think only Historia hasn't realized yet that Ymir is thirsty for her for god knows how long.

After Historia left, there was only me and her — So, by any chance, do you go to the same university as us? You look our age but Levi said you are new here — I tried asking this without looking at her body, but looking at her face was even worse. Her eyes were piercing me in the best way possible.

— I'm not exactly new, I'm from the same uni as you guys, but I took a gap year — she takes a sip of her drink — You probably never met me but I'm in the same year as you all are now.

Since Reiner knew her from high school, he also knew she was at the same university all along and never told any of the guys. Smart fucker.

— So that makes you a year older than me — I smirk at her.

— I guess it does — she smirks back as she lights up a cigarette and blows the smoke at me.

Ok, looking good so far.

I'm pretty high at this point, the MD and the music are making me horny, so I don't even bother to pretend that I'm not looking at her body. I'm looking at everything.

— You took something, didn't you?

— Do you want some? I can show you later where to get the best stuff. Anything you are in the mood for.

— I'm all set — she shows me her tongue and I see the acid. The view makes my own tongue feel lonely, maybe I should use it to steal that from her mouth. I hope she's horny as well.

We talk a lot about music since it's something that we both enjoy. She's passionate about it, I can tell. She asks about my band with true interest. Doesn't sound like small talk. She touches her hair and it makes me want to stuff my face in it. She has the smile that makes you want more. Her voice has the same effect.

The loud music allows us to talk near each other's ears. I hope she moans as loud as her playlist. The girls usually love my hair for some reason, either if it's in a messy bun as it is right now or if it's loose. They all love my green eyes too. She can see all that with somewhat detail since we are so close, even though it is a little dark here. If I take you to a room you can see me better, I almost blurb it out. I can see her too and that kills me.

She looks receptive to me but normally at this point I would be already hooking up with the girl. This time it isn't happening. I never have to work so much. I think I understand why the other guys didn't approach her before. She's a little intimidating to talk to, and that comes naturally to her – it doesn't seem to be on purpose. I flirt with her the way I normally do but she is hard to get, she hits every ball I throw. I remember what Levi said before. Oh, right.

But I'm vibing way too much at this point, I think if I touch any part of her I'll get hard immediately.

— This gap year you've mentioned... Did you go anywhere specific?

— I know it will sound cliché, but I went to Europe.

— Where in Europe?

— Everywhere — she says — I went down — the corner of her lips forming a smile — And up. Everywhere. — and I can swear she sounds flirtatious as hell. I want to bite her lip.

— That sounds... Awesome. — I think she wants to bite me too, or at least I hope she does — Was there any particular reason to leave? If that's not too much to ask.

— Hm, I was kinda... — she stops to think for a few seconds as she holds her hair up and makes a ponytail, looking at the ground, the cigarette glued to her now closed lips. Her neck became exposed, it looks soft as hell and I can't wait to bruise it. She releases the smoke, that flows into the room, and looks deep into my eyes, as deep as I want to be inside her right now — ...stressed.

I reach my limit at this point.

— I can help you with the stress if you want.

— Really? — she's looking at me with the same teasing look and I'm doing the same, so we both know that's not a question I have to answer. Her tongue quickly passes through her top lip, her mouth forming a little wet smile — I don't think I need any help though.

I threw the ball and she hit a home run. My team was out.

I was not expecting that.

We hear some of the guys from Shina calling for her — Oh, they are calling me — Y/N looks at me again and says — See you around, Eren — giving me the same fucking grin I wanted to bite before.

She walks away and I see that her ass is, as I suspected from the very beginning, too damn good.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

After this, some time has passed. I look at the clock. Yeah, maybe a lot. I couldn't tell before because I'm drunk and drugged. I see most of my friends, all fucking wasted. Armin is holding up pretty well, Bertholdt's is knocked down for God knows how long, Mikasa probably smoked way too much weed (who am I to judge?) and looks dead on the couch. I don't see Ymir, Historia nor Reiner - there are too many people in this house to keep count. Sasha's eating something in the kitchen, I can't see what it is, but certainly, she got hungrier than normal after smoking some pot Connie gave her. Connie always holds his drinks well, he's still talking to a lot of people. I pass in front of one of the bathrooms and Hange is there, getting everything out of her system. Oh, and Ymir. There she is, holding Hange's hair, looking as pissed as ever. Levi probably went home hours ago. Jean is making out with some chick, he's going to score tonight. To be fair, he always does, but never with Mikasa.

I saw a lot of pretty girls today and I went for none of them. They tried and I shut them down, even the ones I normally fuck. There's someone I want to taste tonight and she's nowhere to be found. The guys from Shina are missing too, so I know I won't see her today anymore. Damn.

I'm not pissed at her but I'm pissed at the situation.

— Armin, I think I'm going to take off, are you coming?

— Yeah, I'm already pretty tired — he gets up — Jean's probably going to stay here.

— Yep. Probably. — Am I pissed that Jean's getting laid? Even though I could have as well? With someone else, at least? My mood feels off.

— I'm going with you too, I've lost count of how many assholes I had to shut down today. I think I even punched a few — I don't have to look to know that's Annie speaking — You were right, Eren, is it especially crowded today. In the shittiest way possible.

— Then let's go.

— Wait, I need to get my bag first, I left it in Reiner's room.

— I can get that for you, wait up.

— It's a black one. Small.

I sign a thumbs up for her and climb the stairs. I am hundred percent sure I'm going to see someone fucking there but that's the usual. I'm pretty sure I've already seen some people screwing in the corner of the living room minutes before. No one cares.

I open the door and see Y/N in her underwear, putting her white top back on. She does indeed have other tattoos.

— Hey there! — she says smiling, as she also puts her jeans back up, making little jumps so they pass through her ass. Her hair is not in a ponytail anymore.

I say hi in a confusing way.

— I came here to get my friend's bag — I look around for milliseconds like I don't know where the hell I am until I see Reiner lying - clearly naked - under his sheets. Can't be anyone else, with that bleached hair and huge biceps.

What? Ahn?

Hey... Wait a second.

Historia? Clearly naked as well? What. The. Hell. I guess she's not exactly the angel I thought she was?

They are sort of awake, sort of sleeping, kinda like on a different planet. You know, the type of thing that happens after a really strong fuck? That sort. They look exhausted. They look destroyed. And not in a bad way. AT ALL.

— Oh, I saw a bag before. Here you go — she gives me Annie's bag. She's all dressed now. She notices my confusion, I'm too high to act any other way — I've told you I don't need any help — her eyes piercing mine for the hundredth time tonight. Her smile hurts now. Ouch.

She grabs her sneakers and walks towards me and the door:

— I'm all set.

She leaves the room as I hold Annie's bag.

Yeah. I was not expecting that.

***

Thanks for reading (if there's even anyone here lmao). Chapter 2 will be uploaded later but it can be read now at AO3 or Wattpad.

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sellyoursoulforagoodfic · 4 years ago

Text

Shelbys at Somme Chapter 17

Thomas X Reader

Word Count: 2640

Summary: Another memory from the trenches claws its way to the surface after the Lees leave behind wire cutters.

by @adventuresintooblivion

Thomas was shaking so badly he was convinced that he was rattling Finn to his core. His ears rang from the explosion they’d narrowly avoided.

“This is why you never pretend to be me. Ok?” Finn vigorously nodded his head. Maybe Thomas wasn’t the only one shaking. He ushered his youngest brother off to join the rest of the family.

Those damned Lees! How am I going to end this without us all getting killed?

It wasn’t until he’d made it a few feet down the road before he froze. If they had enough knowledge to place the grenade in his car, they had to have been watching him. If they were watching…

“Y/N.” He launched himself down the street. His feet pounded against the ground, the soles of his shoes skidding against the gravel or sliding through the mud as he bolted towards the Garrison.

Men dove out of his way, some of which had seen the grenade. Shouting grew up around him as innocent onlookers saw something for the first time. A Shelby sprinting through the streets. Thomas Shelby of all people. The crowd didn’t follow, only gazed in wonder at the gang leader that hadn’t shown an ounce of fear since coming back from the war.

He didn’t twist the door knob when he arrived, only shouldered the wood. It was well into operating hours and the wood gave easily as he skidded to a halt in front of dozens of men. His eyes scanned the room. He refused to wait long enough for them to adjust, but soon enough he didn’t have to.

“Thomas?” Y/N asked, a hand reaching out to him in the dark as he gasped for air.

He clapped his hand over hers, some irrational part inside him screaming that she wasn’t real. It was telling him that these last few months had been some fever dream, that he’d finally overdosed on opium and was holed up in some bed somewhere, while Arthur ran everything into the ground.

Y/N squeezed his hand, “Tommy what’s going on?”

Tommy. No, she was real. And she was in danger.

His voice cracked as he answered, “Have you seen any of the Lees around? They booby trapped my car.”

Her brow furrowed as she shook her head. His eyes had finally adjusted enough that he could see that everyone was staring at them. Even those who tended to keep to themselves had peeked over their tankards. It took every ounce of discipline he had not to draw Y/N closer, to hide her from the prying of Birmingham.

“You can guarantee no one’s been upstairs besides you?”

Y/N glanced at the stairs, then back at him, “I guess I’ll have to go check.”

Before he could stop her she strode towards her room, “Y/N!” He followed quickly.

She was already checking the floor of her bedroom when he caught up. It wasn’t until he found himself glancing to his own rooms that it occurred to him that, instead of her, they were after just him.

He began towards his room as he absently asked, “Where’s Grace?” He didn’t need her following them and getting in the way.

Thomas was answered by a loud thunk and a curse, “She took the day off.”

Y/N sounded more annoyed than usual, but he couldn’t lose focus as he quickly opened his door. As no explosion greeted him, he slowly made his way further and further into the room. After a few minutes, he was startled by Y/N leaning against his dresser.

“I think the Lees don’t know about this place just yet, Tommy.” There it was again. A sense of warmth coiled in his chest as his muscles relaxed. If he could have one thing for the rest of his life, it would be Y/N saying his name like that. With a deep sense of familiarity that made it sound like they’d known each other for a lifetime, maybe even longer.

He cleared his throat, “You’re probably right.”

Thomas glanced up at her, only to be answered by that playful look in her eyes. He took a deep breath as he stood. The room was actually clear. God, I need a cigarette.

He grumbled idly as his fingers closed around a rectangle of cool metal. He quickly pulled it out and barely registered the feel of it in his hand as he jammed a cigarette into his mouth. Thomas could already taste the nicotine, a part of him buzzing to life as it demanded the satisfaction of the burn going down his throat.

“Holy shit.” He barely heard Y/N, but after a pause he turned to face her, cigarette still dangling out of his lips.

Y/N’s eyes had gone wide, her posture rigid as she stared down at his hand. He glanced down, as horror gripped his heart. Did she see a wire?

Her voice broke when she spoke again, “You kept it.” She pressed her hands over her heart, as if to rub away the sting.

That’s when he realized what he had grabbed. In his hand was his “ring”, a cigarette case with Y/N’s initials engraved on the face in elegant swooping letters. The silver box was heavy against his calloused skin as he reflexively rubbed his thumb over the engraving, more out of habit than anything, over the only spot where it’d tarnished from human touch. For the first time in years, it felt foreign in his hand.

Thomas was at a loss for words until, with shaky hands, Y/N pulled out a familiar lighter from her pocket and lit his cigarette for him. While it could’ve been a part of a matching set with the case, one thing set it apart. Instead of engraved initials, they were inlaid gold that spelled out “T.M.S”.

He nearly choked on the smoke as it filled his mouth. Then, taking a shuddering draw, he reached out and brushed his thumb over his initials. There were a thousand things he could say and a thousand more he could deny. But in that moment, after being rubbed raw by the events of the day, he didn’t much care.

“Of course, I did. Do you really think you mean so little to me?”

Y/N took a deep breath, “I was dead, Tommy. You had every reason to get rid of it.”

His hand closed around hers, and the lighter within, “And get rid of the last piece of you that I had left? No, it’s a part of me now. Just like my cap, even my own name. I am Thomas Shelby, leader of the Peaky Blinders, and I carry around a cigarette case that has the wrong initials.”

He’d stepped closer during his little speech. One small step, on right after the other until he wasn’t even an inch from pressing his forehead against Y/N’s. His lips, hovering nearby in some sort of limbo, between the need to kiss her or to keep talking and fill the silence.

“Do people think it belonged to an enemy?” Y/N chuckled breathlessly. He could hear the sound of tears in her voice as she desperately tried to lighten the mood.

Thomas shrugged, “It’s an easy rumor that helps with my image.”

She couldn’t help but laugh as she finally rested her forehead on his shoulder, “Everyday?”

“Everyday.”

〜

It was the next day; Thomas resisted the urge to pace as he waited for the Inspector to arrive. It’d been a long day of pulling strings, but with the communist’s address in his pocket, he felt oddly hopeful. Now he just needed Ada and Freddie to be anything but stubborn.

Inspector Campbell rounded the corner. In the rain it was difficult to see, but something about the man seemed more haggard, more animalistic. It wasn’t until farther in the conversation that Thomas realized how wrong he was to bring an innocent man into this. But he’d offer up all of Birmingham, if it meant Ada wouldn’t get caught up in all this.

The officer began his tirade, threats against his family. Each one was something he’d anticipated before coming here. The Inspector somehow managed to always ride the line between predictable and problematic. Though, even Thomas had to admit he was seeing red a little by the end. It wasn’t until the Inspector made his last comment that he was caught off guard.

“You know, despite our little feud over these guns, I’m actually surprised by your restraint Mr. Shelby.”

Thomas blinked away the rain, “Pardon me, Inspector?”

He shrugged, “Well, after we grabbed your little friend off the streets, I was expecting more retribution than getting off scot free. Maybe Ms. Y/L/N isn’t as important to you as we thought. Oh well, what’s one more broken girl in Birmingham.”

Inspector Campbell turned to leave and in that moment that it took for his words to sink in, Thomas’ world exploded.

It was HIM.

Thomas’s gun was out of it’s holster before he could stop himself. White hot rage coursed through his veins, his finger twitching on the trigger. Aunt Pol’s voice in his head, reminding him of something called consequences, was the only thing that gave him pause. Then the Inspector was gone.

Thomas knew he looked wild as he lowered the pistol. The image of Y/N shuffling toward him, supporting herself with garbage, burned itself on the back of his eyelids. She was there when he closed his eyes. She was there when he opened them, shadowed by the rain. Her face was turned up in pain. Then it was Arthur he heard, first telling him about the copper that had ambushed him outside.

He stood there for a long time, rain soaking through his coat. It wasn’t until a shout from down the road caught his attention. Y/N, not the ghost, was striding closer beneath an umbrella.

“Tommy? You ok?”

He forced himself to nod, “What’re you doing out here in the rain?”

She raised her eyebrow, “Did you forget? It’s Wednesday.”

〜

[Two Months before Somme]

“Christ Tommy, you’ve got that stupid smile on your face again.” Freddie elbowed him with a grin.

Thomas blinked, “What smile?”

Freddie didn’t answer, only rolled his eyes. The day had actually been a slower one for once. Something in the air had changed and a hush had settled over the soldiers in response. Everyone knew something big was on the horizon, but only a select handful would know for certain. And it definitely wasn’t Thomas.

Instead, Freddie asked a question, “So, when is Y/N gonna become queen of the Peaky Blinders?”

“Queen, huh? What’s that make me?” Thomas snorted.

“You’re dodging the question. I know you’ve got no one back home waiting. And I’ve got that little thing called eyes.”

Thomas ducked his head. He didn’t like talking about the life he could have had. But then something else about what Freddie had said caught his attention.

“It’s that obvious?”

Freddie nodded, “Hopper’s convinced you have a thing for the blokes. Even he sees how you look at her.”

Thomas grimaced, “Well, as long as he’s paying attention to me.”

“You still haven’t answered the question.”

“What question?” Y/N huffed as she tossed a bag down beside the two men. Thomas could already smell the cured meats, she’d been “acquiring’ again.

He quickly shook his head, “Nothing. What’s all this for?”

Y/N flopped beside him, “Made a deal with a regiment or two. If I can get them tasty food, they can get us better guns that aren’t falling apart.”

“And how do you know they won’t turn you in?”

She flashed him a feral grin, “Last time they asked me for whiskey, remember that?” He nodded. “Well, I’d gotten it from their commanding officer. Who is still pissed about that by the way.”

Thomas found himself laughing. It was then that Freddie glanced between them.

Freddie gracelessly stood, “Well, I gotta head out and do the thing. I’ll see you two later.”

“There’s a thing?” Thomas waved away Y/N’s question as Freddie squelched away in the mud.

Queen of the Peaky Blinders.

Thomas ran his fingers through his hair, “So besides wrangling up stolen goods, what have you been doing all day?”

“Christ, don’t get me started.” When he gestured for her to continue she settled in to explain her little misadventure. “Turns out that the Acquisitions Officer is on the hunt for whoever has been taking socks from the stores. He assumes it’s me, which is fair, but it’s not for once and I’ve been dodging that man all day. Not to mention I got a letter.”

He glanced at her, “That’s a first. From who?”

Y/N grimaced, “My dad, the coward he is.”

Thomas scooted closer, his arm brushing against hers, “What’d he do?”

“Idiot didn’t realize he was too old to draft. So, instead of there even being a possibility of him going to war, he smashed his own knee cap. I’ll give him credit for the no hesitation.”

She took a steadying breath, “However, could you imagine what would happen if you’d done something similar? Everyone was already terrified of what would happen to them. So when word got out about what the Old Man did, other’s tried to do the same thing. Except, most people can’t just break their own knees, so they got drafted anyways. And for everyone else? They’d given up before they were even shipped out.”

“He’d rather cripple himself than go to war?”

Y/N nodded, “It’s why I’m here. Almost everyone who worked for my dad got drafted, but upper management was too old. I was the only one left to look out for them.”

“And that’s your job why?”

“I’m the Boss’s daughter, it’s always been me.”

He nodded, “So what’d you do with the letter?”

Y/N flashed him a grin, “Burned it. Got myself a bit while doing it though.”

“Oh you poor thing, if we make it through this will you marry me?” the question was out of his lips before he could stop himself.

Y/N raised her eyebrow, “Are we going around using that for every little inconvenience now?”

He shrugged defensively, “Maybe I just like to say it.”

Y/N barked with laughter, “Keep this up Shelby, and you’ll actually have to get me a ring.” He stared at her for a moment stunned. Had that been an actual ‘Yes’?

Thomas groaned, “Where the hell am I gonna find a ring in a war camp?”

“That’s up to you.”

“You’re the one that usually finds things,” he grumbled exasperated.

She reached down and pulled something out of her pocket, “Here. This can be your ‘ring’.”

He gazed at the cigarette case for a long moment before producing an almost matching lighter. The air had almost grown solemn, the whole world was holding its breath to see if either of them were brave enough.

With a reverence he didn’t even show Aunt Pol’s God, he placed the lighter in Y/N’s hand. And in return, the cold metal of the case slipped between his fingers. Something about the moment felt final, monumental almost. As if these two trinkets had actually been rings exchanged in a church.

“How is it that we even have the same taste in accessories?” Y/N joked, but he could have sworn her grip tightened around the lighter that was once his.

He tugged on his cap, “Dunno, I had mine made after my first job. At least the first one that went right.”

Y/N gasped in mock horror, “The great Thomas Shelby making mistakes?”

“That’s no way to talk to your husband.”

She curled over laughing.

#thomas shelby x reader #thomas shelby imagine #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby imagine #reader insert #peaky blinders imagine

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stenbrozier · 5 years ago

Text

Addict (Teen!Richie Tozier x Reader)

Warnings: drug use/abuse (cigarettes, alcohol, weed), mentions of dead parents + drug overdoses, mentions of rape (not in detail), religious themes (Christianity), angst, violent outbursts, swearing, cute and caring Richie Tozier

Aged up to 17 !!!

Based off the song Using by Sorority Noise

A/N: I needed to write this because I’ve been grappling with nicotine withdrawal and writing is the one way that I can really release this energy. I’m sorry if this offends anyone in anyway. I just really needed an outlet, especially while I’m stuck at home during this quarantine. This is my longest one yet, so I hope you guys enjoy it.

——————————————————————————

The moment (Y/N) took a puff of Beverly’s cigarette for the first time, she was hooked. It was nice to have something to hold onto, something to fall back on when everything felt like it was going to shit. After her first cigarette, she asked Bev to get her smokes whenever she was getting herself some because (Y/N) didn’t have the balls to flirt with that creep like Beverly did. She couldn’t just waltz up to Mr. Keene and say that she was getting them for her parents because she didn’t have any parents to get them for. She lived with her aunt and uncle, and everyone knew that they were the most Christian, drug repelling household in all of Derry. They would berate her friends if they walked into the house smelling even faintly of alcohol, weed, or cigarettes, especially if it was Richie. Richie smoked weed all the time but always had to change before he went to pick up (Y/N); however, that didn’t stop him from having a natural drug scent. They had been best friends the majority of their lives, ever since she had moved in next door when they were 7. Her aunt and uncle loved him, loved the way he handled her and helped her through life if she needed it, but they despised the fact that he did drugs. What they didn’t know, was that she did them with him.

Richie would sneak into her room, usually at 1am, and would drag her out of bed to go on walks with him. These walks consisted of smoking cigs or weed, occasionally getting drunk off of a bottle of wine. Richie introduced her to alcohol, and it was something else she started to rely on. Richie noticed how bad she was getting after that. She would go to parties just for the sake of getting drunk, and Richie started to worry every time she got too drunk. Something else that was worrying him was how quickly she finished a pack of cigarettes. Bev would get her a pack, and she’d finish it within a day or two. (Y/N) was a chain smoker; it was very hard to catch her without a cigarette in her mouth. The only time she didn’t smoke was when she was within a 100 feet of her house or inside it, but once she couldn’t see it anymore when they were walking to school or to hang out with the losers, she would light up cigarette after cigarette. Richie tried multiple times to talk to her about it, but she just shrugged it off, saying that it wasn’t as big of a problem as he said it was.

“I don’t smoke all that often,” she would say defensively. “Fucking, come on, Rich. You smoke, too.” She rolled her eyes at him whenever he brought it up. He did his best to talk to Bev, but she would just shrug her shoulders.

“I only buy her one pack a week,” Bev said, crossing her arms over her chest. “It’s not my fault she smokes it so fast.”

“You need to stop buying her cigarettes,” Richie whispered back, seeing that (Y/N) was walking towards them. “She’s getting bad, and she’s going to keep abusing it unless you stop supplying.” Beverly sighed, smiling at her best friend as she stopped in front of them, wrapping her in a hug. (Y/N) handed Bev a $10 as she pulled away, asking her to get her the “usual.” Richie knocked into Bev’s shoulder, her glaring at him as he went around to (Y/N). He wrapped my around her waist and she smiled up at him. They’d always been touchy; it wasn’t something that bothered them. They were both touch starved growing up, and they needed that person that would give them that physical attention. It just so happened that they had found each other.

“Don’t...don’t you think you should try smoking weed a bit more,” Bev asked, trying to persuade (Y/N) away from the nicotine. “It’s better for your lungs, anyways. I-I mean not completely, but at least it’s not all nicotine and chemicals and shit.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes, pushing away from Richie because she knew he was behind her questioning.

“I’m fine,” (Y/N) said, kicking her feet along the pavement. “I’m already a few years in anyway. I might as well keep smoking. Besides, you smoke, too. Don’t be a hypocrite, Bevvy.” She shrugged her shoulders, pulling her backpack straps up higher. “Hey! Did you guys hear about Greta’s party tonight? I think I’m gonna go.” Richie gulped, moving swiftly towards the girl and wrapping her in his arms again.

“I’ll-I’ll go with you,” he mumbled, rubbing his hand down her arm. She shrugged looking over at Bev. Bev shook her head and held her hand out.

“Ben wanted to have a movie night,” she answered simply. “Maybe Eds and Stanley will go with you guys.”

“No,” (Y/N) shook her head, “Bill and Mike might though.” She thumped Richie’s head with her pointer finger, a few of his curls shaking from the impact. “We should invite them to the quarry.” Richie shook his head rapidly, which caused Bev to raise her eyebrows.

“Why can’t they come to the quarry,” she asked suggestively as she stuffed the $10 bill into her back pocket. Richie stammered, looking at (Y/N) for help.

“It’s kind of our thing,” (Y/N) said. She freed herself from Richie’s death hold, booping his nose when he frowned. “We go and get high most days. Sometimes we just talk. It’s our time. It’s personal.” She looked over at Richie, who was staring at her with a small smile. “I’m sorry I even suggested it.” She whispered the apology to him, and he nodded, looking over at Bev.

“We’ll see you at the usual time Monday night,” he asked, throwing up finger guns. The Losers usually met at the clubhouse on Mondays and Thursdays. They didn’t have a lot of classes together anymore, so that was their time to catch up and just talk. She nodded back at them, shooting back finger guns, laughing as she ran off to meet Ben at the bike rack. Richie unwrapped his arm from (Y/N)‘s shoulder, reaching his bent elbow out to her with a dramatic bow. She laughed, wrapping her hands in the crook of his elbow and they walked off the quarry.

“Are you sure you want to come to the party with me tonight,” the girl asked. Richie shrugged, looking down at her as they crossed over the rickety Kissing Bridge, ducking under a few trees to get out to the sandy, faux beach that was the quarry. They sat down on the big rock wall, and (Y/N) sighed in content when the sun hit her face. Richie laughed at her, taking his backpack off and sitting down next to her. “You never answered my question.” Richie furrowed his eyebrows at her as he turned his head to look at her.

“What question?” He knew exactly what question; he was just trying to avoid it. In all honesty, he hated going to parties with (Y/N). She always got wasted and left him by himself, and yeah, he liked to drink, but not by himself and not while babysitting his best friend.

“Do you have a problem accompanying me to Greta’s later?” Richie looked over at her, sighing before moving to lay on his side and prop himself on his elbow to look down at her.

“I hate going to parties,” Richie said calmly. “Especially with you, and it’s not because I don’t like you anymore or anything. It’s just...” he thought for a moment, “I’m tired of you walking off and getting wasted and I have to clean you up.” (Y/N) scoffed at him, sitting up as she scooted off the rock. “Don’t get upset. I have the right to hate when you get drunk!” (Y/N) sniffled, tears threatening to fall.

“You know parties are the only time I can let loose,” she responded, her voice getting caught in her throat. “I get wasted because it’s fun, Rich. I never asked you to be my babysitter.” Richie stood up, throwing his arms up in the air.

“You get wasted every single weekend,” he yelled, causing her to flinch slightly. She could tell he was getting pissed off, and she hated when he got angry. He became a bitch, and it wasn’t something that she wanted to see. She made him mad once when they were 14 and he didn’t speak to her for weeks; this was all over her missing one of their quarry meetings because she promised Bev she’d help her dye her hair. “I have to babysit you cause no one else will! No one cares enough, not even you! You’re always getting drunk and it pisses me off. I hate seeing you risk yourself to cirrhosis because of how much you drink!”

“Richie, I’m in perfectly good health!” (Y/N) grabbed her backpack, slinging it over her shoulder. “How much I smoke and how wasted I get doesn’t fucking concern you.”

“Yes, it does,” he said angrily, jabbing his finger at her. “It concerns me because you’re all I have. You’re the only person that I know will be there forever and you...you’re killing yourself! At this rate, you’re gonna get lung or liver cancer before you’re 35! Hell, maybe fucking both!” She tried to walk away, but he grabbed her arm. “I’m not done. I love you, (Y/N), okay? I-I’ve loved you forever and-“ (Y/N) ripped her arm away from him, looking him up and down with tears streaming down her face.

“If you loved me, you’d let me do what I want to do ,” she spat at him. She could feel the tears streaming down her face, soaking her shirt collar. Actually, it wasn’t her shirt at all. It was one of Richie’s shirts that she’d stolen and cropped, but it didn’t matter anymore. She thought about it for a second, looking down at the band that was on it: The Cure. She sighed, looking back up Richie who was grabbing his backpack, too. “I’m going to ask Bill to come with me, instead. Show up if you want, but don’t try confessing your love for me unless you’ll let me be me.”

“Darling, come on,” Richie said, the high pitched nature of his voice scaring him. “Don’t do this. If you don’t love me, just say it.” (Y/N) turned away from him, taking in a deep breath.

“I never said I didn’t love you back,” she whispered. “Just don’t tell me what to do and then think I’m gonna kiss you and throw away every other thing I love to make you happy.” She started walking up the steep hill that separated the quarry from the street. “I’ll see you Monday.” Richie watched as she walked away, and he followed her. He tried to catch up with her but she ran off, too fast for him to catch. He sighed, banging his fist on the splintering wood of the Kissing Bridge.

“Fuck,” he screamed as he started punching the shit out of the bridge, splintering his knuckles and making them bleed.

———————————

(Y/N) got to her house, slamming the door shut and marching over the phone. She had all of the Losers’ numbers memorized, so she quickly dialed Bill. Mrs. Denbrough picked up, and they had a conversation about school as she waited for her son to come down and grab the phone. Mrs. Denbrough said a quick farewell as Bill slipped onto the phone.

“H-hey,” he said and (Y/N) could practically hear the smile in his voice. The two didn’t hang out all too often anymore; they were honestly the most distant out of the group, but that didn’t stop them from loving one another unconditionally. “Do you n-need something?” (Y/N) laughed, rolling her eyes.

“Wanna go to Greta’s with me,” she asked as she twirled the phone cord. “Richie’s being a dick and he’s decided that he doesn’t like getting wasted with me anymore.” She heard Bill sigh and let out a small chuckle.

“W-what time does it st-start? I have b-baseball practice in the m-mor-morning.” (Y/N) sighed, scuffing her shoes against the wooden floor of her uncle’s house as she thought. She shrugged as if he could see her.

“I don’t know. 8ish? But I can always ask Eddie,” she said, taking on a reassuring tone. She hated taking Eds to parties but loved it all the same. It was very difficult to get him to let loose, but when he did, he was the life of the party. “Actually, don’t worry about it. You focus on baseball. Love you, Billy.”

“L-love you, too, (Y/N).” The line went dead and (Y/N) started to dial in Eddie’s phone number. She was prepared for Sonia, since she barely let Eddie touch the phone, and was pleasantly surprised when she heard Eddie’s voice saying a soft greeting.

“Eds! You’ve got to come to Greta’s with me,” (Y/N) yelled. “Pretty please?” She did a pouty lip, more to allow Eddie to hear the desperation in her voice. She heard him sigh, and the sigh felt as if it was in remorse.

“I-I’d love to, but...why can’t you just go with Richie? Trouble in paradise,” he asked mockingly. “Listen, I’ll come by and we’ll talk, and if after we talk you still want to get wasted, we’ll go.” (Y/N) scoffed.

“There is no paradise to have trouble in,” she said defensively. “Besides, the conversation will all be done in vain, Kaspbrak. I always want to get wasted.” Eddie laughed on the other side of the phone, shaking his head.

“Fine. I’ll be over in like 45 minutes so you can get ready for the party with company.” Eddie regretted telling her that the moment he did. He didn’t want (Y/N) to drink anymore, but he wanted her to be happy. Maybe he could convince her to drink a little less tonight and not blackout like she normally did.

“Okay, Eds,” she replied sweetly. “Door will be unlocked, so just walk in. I’ll probably be in my room.” He made a noise in response and then the line went dead. (Y/N) sighed, walking up to her room. She looked out her window and noticed Richie’s blinds were close, so she closed hers as well.

——————————-

“Richard, you have to watch what you punch,” Maggie said to him sternly, taking the set of tweezers back to his knuckles to pull out the last few splinters. “I know you were upset, but you don’t have to punch things. Don’t worry, she’ll come around.” Richie scoffed and rolled his eyes, his mother lightly bopping his head to the side when he did. “Go wash off your hand and we’ll bandage it.” She ushered him to stand up, pushing him lightly over to the kitchen sink as she went to the bathroom done the hall for bandages. He sighed, taking the hand soap and putting it on his left hand, rubbing the soapy water over his blood covered right hand. The soap made him cringe, it stinging his cuts a bit. He finished washing it, taking a paper towel and dabbing them to dry them off. Maggie came back with the bandages, going over the him and wrapping them around his knuckles. She secured the antiseptic wrap, giving him a soft kiss on the hand.

“I think I’m going to go to a party tonight,” Richie said softly. “(Y/N)’s mad at me and I-I don’t want her to get too drunk.” Maggie nodded, waving for him to follow her in the living room. They say on the cough and Richie tucked his legs underneath him, feeling his mom’s head on his shoulder.

“Just don’t do anything stupid,” she said, sitting up and kissing his temple. “I’m going to go get things for dinner. Do you need anything?” Richie shrugged.

“More Gatorade?” Richie drank Gatorades all the time. They were packed with sugar and sodium; however, they miraculously calmed him down and made him sit still for once. He looked up at his mom with a small smile on his face, and she pinched his cheeks. She nodded, grabbing her jacket and purse from the coat hanger. She checked her purse for her keys, and she opened the door, ready to leave. “The blue ones!”

“I know, honey,” she replied softly. “I love you.” She walked out the door before Richie had the chance to say it back, but he would’ve been cut off my the phone ringing anyway.

“Hello,” he said, expecting (Y/N) on the line.

“Hey, Rich.” He sighed, disappointed. It was Eddie. “What happened between you and (Y/N)?” He furrowed his brows. She asked Eds to go with him? Damn, she really didn’t want him there.

“She’s pissed I don’t support her chain smoking and excessive alcohol consumption,” Richie replied flatly. “Did she ask you to go with her?” He could practically hear Eddie, nodding a soft sniffle coming from his end.

“Yeah, I’m leaving in a few minutes to help her get ready for the party. You should show up, let her know you still care.” Richie tapped his fingers against the phone, no doubt causing a hollow sound to go through to Eddie’s side.

“I was going to,” Richie said sarcastically. “I also, might’ve, sorta confessed my feelings to her as she was screaming at me to “not control her”, so I need to make up for that.”

“Jesus, fuck, Rich,” Eddie mumbled on the other end. “We’ll talk more tonight. I’ve gotta get to your girlfriend’s house. See you later.”

“She’s not-“ The line went dead before Richie finished. He sighed. “-my girlfriend.” He hung the phone up, marching up to his room to see that there was little light coming in. He shrugged, thinking his mom must’ve dusted the blinds. He opened up his curtain, bringing the blinds up to see that (Y/N)’s were closed. Richie rubbed his hand across his face. They always left their blinds open, no matter how mad they were at one another. She must’ve been pissed.

——————————

Eddie walked into (Y/N)’s house, and he marched up the stairs. He saw that her door was slightly ajar and she was laying out outfits on her bed. He walked in, her hand waving him over.

“Light blue dress with my white Converses or black jeans and one of Richie’s cropped shirts with Docs?” She looked up at him to see him biting his lip, tilting his head to the side to closely examine the outfits. He noticed a blue mark on the white cropped shirt and he pointed it out.

“Is that marker or paint? Get a different shirt you’re not wearing one with a stain on it.” Eddie walked to the closet when she did, looking at all the shirts she had. He noticed a faded olive green top with bell sleeves and he took it down from the rack. “I think this one with the jeans and the white Converses.” He shoved it at her. (Y/N) looked at it, nodding before taking off her shirt and throwing it into her hamper. She slipped the shirt on, going back out into her room to put on the jeans. Once she slipped on the jeans, Eddie looked at her with his head tilted side ways.

“Why are you looking at me like that,” she said, furrowing her eyebrows and frantically looking at her self in her body length mirror.

“Tuck in the front, fix your hair, put on some mascara and lip gloss,” he said bluntly. Eddie ended it with smile and (Y/N) went over and ruffled his hair.

“Thanks for being blunt, love,” she sighed. She dramatically rolled her head around on your neck and sat down at the bench in front of her vanity. “Love my quintessential gay best friend.” She laughed and Eddie rolled his eyes.

“I’m not gay, you bitch,” Eddie said, sitting down on her bed. “But I am pretty sure that you should try to make things better with Richie again. I called him earlier and he was a little bit of a mess. He sounded like he was in pain, I don’t know why.” (Y/N) sighed, finishing up her mascara before she turned around to look at Eddie.

“He closed his blinds, Eds,” (Y/N) shrieked. When Eddie just looked at her weird she sighed. “It means he’s pissed. We never close blinds without talking about it first.” Eddie snickered and (Y/N) shot him a death glare.

“Love birds,” he said, making it sound like a song. (Y/N) rolled her eyes, turning back to her mirror to tussle her hair and make it lay flatter on her shoulders. After a few seconds of changing its position, she sighed and walked over to her desk to grab a hair tie. As she put her hair into a bun, Eddie started talking to her again. “He’s not pissed at you. He’s pissed at what you do. There’s a difference.” (Y/N) scoffed.

“I can do what I want Eds and he just needs to realize it.” She pulled some baby hairs out of the front of her bun, watching as they framed her face and blew from the slight breeze her fan was giving her. “We should eat before. You wanna go to the pizza shop in town for dinner?” Eddie shrugged and thought before shaking his head ‘no.’

“Let’s go to the diner,” Eddie said. “We can at least get healthier food there to combat all the alcohol you’re going to drink tonight.” (Y/N) slipped on her shoes and threw the bird up at Eddie, causing him to laugh. “And don’t forget your lip gloss.” She shoved him out the door, grabbing her purse and shutting her bedroom door behind them.

—————————

After the diner, they walked over the Greta’s and all (Y/N) had in mind was beer. She wondered if Greta had gotten the good kind this time, the craft beer that came from a local brewery in Bangor, or if she got the shitty beer from the grocery store in town. (Y/N) also thought about Richie. He confessed his love to her, which was horrifying enough. She always tried to push her feelings of him away because she knew that they’d got unrequited, but she was quite wrong. He told her he was in love with her, and it made her regret walking away from him. But she wanted to get drunk and he didn’t understand that. Eddie talked her through it at dinner and revealed Richie was going to apologize at the party, or so that’s why it seemed like he was going to do when Eddie called him earlier.

“He isn’t mad at you, babe,” Eddie had said. “He’s mad at himself for letting your alcohol and drug issues get this bad.” (Y/N) didn’t think they were bad. Sure, she smoked too much and got high too often, but she didn’t get drunk more than once or twice a month, tops. She shook her head, looking down at the streets, which were now illuminated with the orange glow of the street lights.

“I’ll be okay,” (Y/N) said slightly above a whisper. She said it more to her self than Eddie, but she looked up to see his eyebrows raised and a major side eye. (Y/N) grabbed his hand, dragging him down the street, causing him to fumble with his fanny pack to make sure the zipper was closed so that nothing would fall out. When they got to the Keene household, there were a few cars already parked out front and they could hear music coming from inside. (Y/N) jumped up and down slightly with a little squeal and Eddie rolled his eyes, smiling slightly at his best friend. They walked into the house and Greta greeted them, pursing her lips together and turning around when she saw who it was. Greta liked (Y/N), but she knew that with (Y/N) came Eddie, the Trashmouth, and the rest of their nerdy friends. They didn’t ruin the parties, though. In fact, their drunk asses made them more fun, so it was whatever. (Y/N) made a b-line towards the kitchen, smiling when she saw vodka and whiskey as an option, too. She grabbed a cup, pouring and taking three shots of vodka while Eddie watched awkwardly from the side, tapping his fingers on the granite counter.

“You drinking already,” said a deep voice from behind them. (Y/N) turned around to see Ryan, a kid who was in her science class. He was the second best baseball player on the high school’s team, trailing behind Bill who already had 7 scholarships as a junior. Ryan had 4 and was extremely popular. (Y/N) smirked a little, shrugging her shoulders as she looked at Eddie and raised her eyebrows a few times. She grabbed a beer from the cooler, the good kind, and opened it with the ring in her finger.

“It’s a party, what else am I supposed to do,” she replied with a hint of over sweetness in her voice. Eddie noticed and smiled dramatically at Ryan before dragging the girl away from him and out into the backyard, where people were smoking weed and jumping into the pool. “Eds!” (Y/N) whined as she looked back into the house through the big windows, seeing Ryan grabbing a red SOLO cup and pouring whiskey into it.

“We should wait for Richie somewhere by ourselves,” Eddie replied, dragging her over to a bench swing that Greta had in her backyard. “We’ll just sit here and wait.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes, standing up and going back to the house. Eddie quickly got up, tripping as the bench swung back and made him slip on the grass. When he caught up to her, she was talking with Ryan in the living room. The party had gotten exceptionally more crowded in such a short amount of time, and he stood on his tiptoes to look over the crowd and at the front door for Richie. When his eyes met the closed door, he sighed and walked over to the kitchen, grabbing himself a SOLO cup. He looked at the drinks, ultimately deciding he’d make something (Y/N/N) taught him: a Cape Cod. He poured about three shots of vodka into the cup and then topped it off with cranberry juice. Eddie took a sip of it, grimacing when he tasted how strong the vodka was. As he poured more cranberry juice in, he heard heavy footsteps coming into the kitchen.

“‘Sup Eds,” Richie said softly, clapping his hand on his shoulder. “Why’s (Y/N/N) not with you?” Eddie took another sip of his drink and pointed out towards the living room, seeing the jock she was with heads over everyone else. Richie followed Eddie’s eyes and cursed under his breath. “I-I’m gonna go talk to her.” Richie shoved through the crowd, making his way towards the two. He appeared behind Ryan, causing your too furrow your eyebrows as Ryan yelled over the music about college or drugs or something. You tapped Ryan’s shoulder and pointed to the kitchen, silently letting him know you were “getting another drink.” You looked at Richie disdainfully and sighed when you heard his footsteps following you. Eddie smiled at you, glad to see you were okay.

“What the fuck, Rich,” you yelled, stomping your foot on the ground. “I thought I told you to leave me be.” He reached out to grab your arm, but you yanked it away, taking a long swing of your beer and finishing it off. You abandoned it on the counter, walking around Eds to get a SOLO cup.

“What happened to the one you had literally half an hour ago?” Eddie asked, scoffing as you shrugged at opened the green apple flavored Smirnoff that caught your eye. Richie took it right out of your hand, capping it and holding it above your head.

“No more.” He grabbed your hand, sticking the bottle back on the counter behind you as he dragged you out of the kitchen.

“Richie I’ve barely had anything,” you whined, stumbling over your feet as you got pulled into the hallway that lead to the front door. Eddie followed close behind, taking tiny sips of his drink as he helped Richie push you out of the house. “What the fuck! You guys are no fun.” You crossed your arms, allowing Richie to shove you into the passenger’s seat of his beat up Buick Regal. Eddie hopped in the back. When Richie got into the driver’s seat, you smacked his arm out of rage, tears welling up in your eyes. He started the car and pulled off the street, taking a few turns to get to Eddie’s house.

“If you need help with her, call me,” Eddie said quietly to Richie before reaching around front and giving (Y/N) a kiss on the forehead. “I love you, (Y/N/N).” You sighed in response, squishing yourself into a ball and moving closer to the window. He quickly got out of the car, closing the door and running up to his house. Richie drove up into the intersection, making a left and heading towards where Mike lived, to the farmland.

“Home’s right, dumbass,” you spat softly, rolling your eyes as he kept straight ahead. You looked down at his hands on the wheels, and through the dim streetlights, you could see that his hands were extremely white and wrapped in bandages. Usually, they had a pinkish tone to them, but all traces of that were gone. The bandages were stained a little with blood, so you figured he punched the shit out of some wall. He was mad. Richie was angrier than you had ever seen him, and you hadn’t even looked at his face yet. Tears stung your eyes when you saw the familiar dip in the trees that lead down into the quarry. He parked his car right at the top of the hill, getting out without a word. You got out, too, following him down into the quarry. When you got there, you saw him sit down on the rock and put his head in his hands. You came and sat next to him, folding in on yourself by wrapping your hands around your knees which were pulled up to your chest.

“I told you I didn’t want you to go to that party,” Richie whispered. He ran his hands up into his hair, the curls falling over his forehead when he violently slammed his hands down on his lap. He looked over at you, a scowl on his face and tears in his eyes. “That guy was going to get you drunk and fuck you. He was going to fuck you, and you were going to let him.”

“Richie, I would’ve said no,” you said defensively. “One, my standards aren’t that low, and two, I wouldn’t want him to touch me while I was sob-“ Richie scoffed, shaking his head.

“You were on your way to being wasted as soon as I got there, darling.” He stood up, kicking the small rocks that lines the big boulders. “He was going to rape you. I could see it.” You looked down at your hands without answering, feeling tears well up in your eyes. “You can’t ever go to party without me again. I have to protect you.” You started crying, sobs racking your body as you wiped your eyes in your sleeves.

“Says the one who told me he didn’t care what I did not even 6 hours ago,” you yelled, pointing at him as tears continued to fall down your face. “You’re a piece of shit! Ya know that, Richie? You want to help people, but then you just trample over everything they love, including people.” Richie furrowed his eyebrows, confused at the end of her statement.

“People? I’ve never purposely hurt someone in my whole li-“ (Y/N) pointed to his knuckles.

“What did you do?” (Y/N) asked, sniffling as she tried to calm herself down. “You punched the shit out of something, I can tell that much. I just don’t want you hurt.” Richie sighed, sitting down next to the girl who looked so small compared to the rocks and big trees behind her that were faintly highlighted by the moonlight.

“Now you understand,” Richie responded calmly. “I don’t want you hurt. Drinking hurts you. Smoking hurts you.”

“You know why I do it,” (Y/N) interrupted. “It makes me forget, drinking especially. I hate thinking of them so much. They’ve been gone for years, but I can’t stop thinking about them. So, I try to destroy my mind enough to forget for a little while.” Richie hesitantly put an arm around her, and when she melted into him, he pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head.

“I don’t understand that,” Richie answered. “But I can tell you that drinking and smoking is just going to get you closer to where they were. They were so addicted they died, babe. Died.” He shoved his face into your hair, sniffling as he held you super tight for a few seconds while he paused. When he pulled away, he brought one of his hands up to your cheek. “I-I can’t have you dying on me.” You looked up at Richie, tears falling down his face as he stared into your eyes. You leant up closer to him, bringing his face down to yours and kissing him on the lips. He was taken by surprise and pulled away immediately, a confused expression on his face.

“A-are you okay,” you questioned. “I shouldn’t have kissed you, I’m sorry. You just...earlier you told me that you loved me and I love you too and I thought I’d kiss you because-because this is a meaningful moment and-“ Richie planted his lips back into yours, causing you to melt into him. After a few seconds, he pulled away and rubbed his thumb over your cheekbone as he smiled at you.

“I love you too much to lose you,” he said softly. “I-I don’t care you smoke or drink...just-just don’t get excessive, okay? That’s my worst fear, honestly, you becoming an alcoholic or dying of lung cancer.” You snickered a little, Richie look at you in confusion.

“I’ll take it easier, ya goof.” You wrapped your arms around his torso and you stuffed your face in his neck. “Whenever I go to a party, I’ll make sure you protect me from all of the big, scary guys.” Richie laughed at that, and he ended up having to pull away to catch his breath.

“I’ll do my best, princess,” he said back, his laughing fit still leaving his body. “I will definitely do my best.”

#it imagines #richie tozier smut #richie tozier #richie tozier headcanons #richie tozier x reader #bill denbrough #stanley uris #eddie kaspbrak #beverly marsh #ben hanscom #mike hanlon #masterlist

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