#BUT I ALSO LOVE JOHN DOE AND YELLOW AND I FEEL SO MUCH SYMPATHY FOR THEM

[aa-400]

'are you okay?'

i see a man who's gone through hell become possessed by an eldritch monster and i take the side of the eldritch monster. not once, but twice i take the side of the eldritch monster. do you think i'm okay?

[thegeminisage]

Here's something I'd love your take on: I read a meta recently (would link it but I can't remember where, ack) that suggested that Sam is able to forgive John in later seasons because a) he's had the whole "family making unilateral decisions for your own good" thing repeatedly shoved down his throat, and b) whatever John did under this umbrella in their childhoods, Dean has done far worse by that point, and Sam HAS to forgive him so by extension he can't really be mad at John anymore (1/2)

(2/2) As someone who has admittedly only seen bits and pieces of the later seasons, this seems to jive with Sam losing a lot of his characteristic early-seasons anger, letting Dean call the shots almost all the time even when he thinks it's the wrong move, and moments of sympathy for John (contrasted w/Dean's growing resentment, which is so interesting!). But! I got some big ol' gaps in my spn comprehension, so was curious if you had any thoughts on this dynamic

wow okay long answer warning! i got carried away and forgot how to use punctuation. nobody is obligated to read all of this lol and the biggest part of the answer is behind a cut. anyway!!

first things first: i think a big thing to remember with sam’s characterization in later seasons is that it’s like...not there, and when it is there, it’s sometimes flat and inconsistent. because dean became sole the main protagonist after the first 8 (arguably the first 5 or even first 2) seasons, sam sort of got demoted to “side character we don’t know what to do with” along with cas and crowley. they all had good arcs pop up now and then (sam had some fun stuff going on with lucifer in s11 and s13) but most of the time the writers either don’t know how to give him a meaningful characterization or don’t care (or both). so we have to do a lot of that work ourselves. 

so, for example, when we talk about sam losing his anger, i like to read it as him OVERCOMING that anger to avoid becoming his father (which may even be where some of the seemingly sympathetic comments come from, because he’s trying to be forgiving instead of angry), but really...it’s that the writers forgot he had anger issues. in-universe explanation vs irl explanation, yk? and i think pretty much all meta about sam in late seasons is written through that lens, whether the writer of that meta knows it or not. including this one! i can’t prove any of this shit, it’s my personal reading, i’m making it up. like there were just SO many different people involved in the production of supernatural that there was a lot of conflict and contradictions in things like continuity and characterization. (most of the writers room hadn’t even seen every episode!) so there’s not one definitive way to go about it. in many ways it makes the characters more nuanced and in many other ways it makes me fucking insane.

as for sam and john and whether or not sam forgives him, i’m actually glad you asked because this has been driving me nuts for a long time and it took me SO LONG to pin it down - sam’s relationship with john is very different to dean’s, and i couldn’t figure out WHY. it’s not that he was “abused less,” it’s not that he loved john less or was less hurt by his actions, so why doesn’t he seem as INVESTED in everything that happened to them as kids? like he says in season 14 he had to learn to let it go and that it was all a lifetime ago for him. meanwhile i think dean still deals with it every day. he’s still stewing in it to some degree 24/7. so like what’s the difference??

i think it comes down to two things. firstly, that while dean didn’t have anybody parenting him except john (and mary, but only for a very short time that he could actually remember), SAM’S parents were john AND DEAN. most of the time dean was the one raising sam, and in fact he arguably did way more parenting of sam than john did. so the person that made dean feel safe and like he could fight back against monsters, the person he was grateful to, was john. but the person who made SAM feel safest was dean. he doesn’t have that same gratitude towards john that dean does and he never will, because of how john made him feel alienated and excluded from their family growing up. dean’s resentment of john is so tangled up in this very deep and unconditional love and gratitude for him that sam just doesn’t have. 

secondly, i think dean has a serious case of “i can fix him” re: john that sam doesn’t have and possibly never had. john just never showed sam the same kind of inclusion and warmth and trust that he showed dean (however rarely he showed it, and however fucked up it was). i think sam figured out very very early on that their quest for yellow eyes was either a long shot or straight up impossible, and that they couldn’t waste their entire lives doing it, and that even if the demon died, john was never going to change. dean 100% drank the koolaid - he really truly believed in a world where someday they’d kill the demon and all retire from the life and be normal and be a family again, because that’s what john said and dean took his father’s word as gospel. sam knew better.

so i think what sam did was just disengage. partially because he felt he couldn’t afford to nurse that kind of anger and not become either his father or lucifer, and partially because even though sam loved john, still loves john, he never needed him the way dean did, because sam had dean. so it doesn’t hurt him as much to just “gray rock” it. i think if sam stopped and really dug into it he’d find that he’s still quite angry (probably more angry on dean’s behalf than his own, at least at first, because in his mind he was able to move past it and dean was not, dean had it worse, HIS OWN trauma isn’t real etc etc), but he doesn’t do that because he doesn’t want to be that angry, and possibly even thinks that if he brought it up dean would jump to john’s defense and it would cause a fight, which the opposite of what a gray rock does.

as for being forced to forgive john because if he didn’t he would also have to condemn dean...i don’t think i buy that at all. sam is fine making dean his exception and he allows dean to get away with a lot of deeply horrible shit he would condemn other people for. partially because he’s dean and sam loves him, but in my ~personal reading~ of sam, this is also because once sam became an adult the weight of everything dean did and had to give up to raise him really sank in, and part of him felt guilty (even though sam arguably didn’t have a childhood either). you know how kids take care of their parents in old age to repay them for raising them? that’s sort of how sam is with dean in later seasons - he implies multiple times that he would leave the hunting life forever and not look back if it weren’t for dean.

and as a side note - sorry, this is only tangentially related - dean implies several times in later seasons that the job is where he finds his sense of accomplishment and self-esteem and meaning - he believes the world is a better place because of what he and sam do, and even though he doesn’t always like DOING the job, he likes the outcome. it’s weird because this is as close as we see dean get to even HAVING self esteem. sam, emotionally intelligent, would have picked up on that - and since he and dean have both tried to leave the life multiple times and have always come to regret it, i also think part of sam believes you CAN’T escape - certainly SAM could never escape so long as dean was still in it, because whether he meant to or not dean would always pull him back in. and part of dean doesn’t really want to escape because he’s made his peace with it. so sam stays, and i think even if he can’t find the same meaning in the job that dean does, he finds a lot of meaning in being there for dean. (this, like gray rocking, is also consistent with the seasons where sam’s sole character trait is caring about dean lol. but i’m happy enough to read it in a kinder and less bitter/resentful way.)

it IS worth noting i think that the most forgiving sam ever was about john was in the adam episode, where he said he understood why he was the way he was and why he did what he did, and when dean said they were alike sam decided to take it as a compliment. sam in season 4 is arguably at one of his lowest points - struggling with addiction, consumed by anger and hatred and the need for revenge. he WAS like john in many ways, and i think he justified what john was doing because it also justified what HE was doing. but what he was doing led to breaking lucifer out of hell and the apocalypse that followed, which is why i like to think sam worked so hard to reign in his anger afterward - both to avoid his fate and avoid becoming his father.

in short: i don’t think sam has actually forgiven john so much as disengaged from him and moved past it. because if he DID engage with it, it’d bring up a whole lot of stuff he didn’t feel prepared to deal with. one of the risks of gray rocking things is doing it to the point that you lose touch with your own wants and needs and personality, so i think by late seasons sam’s repression, which is much more sneaky and quiet than dean’s, has settled in to the point where he’s like “yeah whatever” about dad out of sheer self preservation - because otherwise, he’d end up going crazy about it like dean does. i think it’d do him a hell of a lot of good to be able to get to shout at john and finally say his piece/ he’s really afraid of his own anger, but i think it’d be healthy for him to get back in touch with some of it.

[spn masterpost]

[wisteria-lodge]

Character Analysis - Sorting Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)

a quick note on why I’m moving away from the HP terminology

So @sortinghatchats is brilliant. Absolutely my favorite character (and person!) analysis system. Instead of one house, you get two - a PRIMARY (your motivation, why you do things), and a SECONDARY (your toolbox, how you get things done.) A very stripped down refresher --

IDEALIST PRIMARY Lion/Gryffindor - I do what I feel is right. (MORAL) Bird/Ravenclaw - I do what I decide is correct. (LOGICAL) LOYALIST PRIMARY Badger/Hufflepuff - I do what helps my community (PEOPLE MATTER) Snake/Slytherin - I do what helps me/my inner circle (MY PEOPLE MATTER)

IMPROVISATIONAL SECONDARY Lion/Gryffindor- Charge! React! Smash the system! Snake/Slytherin- Transform, adapt, find the loophole. BUILT SECONDARY Bird/Ravenclaw - Plan, make tools, gather information. Badger/Hufflepuff - Community-build, caretake, call in favors.

Now let’s talk Sherlock Holmes!!!

***

Mycroft Holmes has a terrifying Bird secondary. He knows everything. He sees everything. He holds all the information in his head, all the time, and can tell you exactly how it connects. “Spymaster Mycroft” didn’t become proper fanon until 1970: in the books he’s more like a human computer, or a Mentat from Dune. This man is incapable of improvising. He hates casual conversation, hates changing his routine, just wants to sit and process and plan. He is the cartoon version of a Bird secondary.  

Mycroft is so insanely ‘big picture’ that he barely notices specific individuals. He’s off in in the corner thinking about currency regulation and the situation in Siam. In “The Greek Interpreter” he hears about a woman who might be starving to death… and sort of vaguely puts it on his to-do list. Sherlock ends up handling it.

You could make a case for either a Bird or Lion primary. But I’m going with Lion. Mycroft values instinct like Lions do (”All my instincts are against this explanation.”) And Sherlock describes him as someone who “would rather be considered wrong than take the trouble to prove himself right.” This is teasing, but it’s a joke about a Lion who just sort of feels the answer, not a Bird who needs a reason to be correct. Mycroft’s Cause, the one we see him respond to emotionally, is the smooth functioning of his world. He has a little pocket carved out for his brother, but if he had to choose between the country that he embodies and Sherlock Holmes’ well-being, it’d be England every time.

Knowing that Mycroft has that much power but doesn’t care about individual people makes Sherlock... uncomfortable. It takes him a while to even mention his brother to Watson. And then he lies about how important Mycroft’s job is. Thematically, this where Moriarty comes in. James Moriarty – the older genius hiding deep in the establishment, running a criminal empire from behind a tenured professorship, never getting his hands dirty – is Dark Mycroft. Because Sherlock is pretty sure his brother is one of the good guys. He’s pretty sure Mycroft isn’t going to break bad and go full-on ‘ends justify the means’ supervillain.

But… like… he could.

Sherlock Holmes is also defined by his Bird secondary. His deductions, data, knowledge of crime – it’s his loudest trait. But it’s a model. He tells us it’s a model. This “habit of observation and inference which I formed into a system” is something he built – and honestly, he probably built it for Mycroft. The Holmes brothers don’t do conversations, they have deduction games. Sherlock never wins, but at least he plays on Mycroft’s level.

(Everything about Sherlock Holmes makes more sense when you think about Mycroft. Like the “brain-attic” metaphor. How did Sherlock get this idea that there’s some fast-approaching limit to the actual pieces of information he can fit in his head at once? Because he knows someone with far, far greater processing power).

Underneath this logical Bird secondary model, Sherlock Holmes has something that looks a lot more Snake He’s moody and mercurial. He improvises on the violin to help himself think. He loves acting. He loves disguises. He crushes on Irene Adler because their Snake secondaries have so much fun playing together. And when it’s important, Holmes goes full-on Snake. Need to get Watson away from Moriarty? Better forge a letter sending him on a fake errand.

And as far as primaries go...  he’s a Badger. Sherlock Holmes cares about people. Oh wow does he care about people. If he doesn’t protect his client, it’s not a win – even if he solved the case with some brilliant bit of detection. He despises blackmailers, because they destroy lives in a cold, impersonal way. (At least murderers care.) He doesn’t mean to upset people with his deductions, and apologizes when he gets too coldly Bird: “Pray accept my apologies. Viewing the matter as an abstract problem, I had a forgotten how personal and painful a thing it might be to you.” When Watson talks about the “depth of loyalty and love which lay behind that cold mask,” Holmes is thirty seconds away from going vigilante killer because somebody hurt John Watson.

But the feeling isn’t just Watson-centric. Holmes doesn’t require Watson at his side the way a Snake would, because as long as he knows Watson is safe and happy, he is content. Holmes need-bases. It’s important that he works for people who need him. He generally dislikes working for the rich or upper-class (Soviet Russian Sherlock Holmes was totally a thing, they didn’t have to change much). He also has a *real* problem with overworking himself, which is very much a Badger primary and not Snake primary thing to do

He even community-builds. His Baker Street Irregulars, his connections over at Scotland yard, his tribe of interesting contacts and informants. Holmes values community. To him, community = safe. He loves London, but isolated rural areas makes him nervous:

“[in London] there is no lane so vile that the scream of a tortured child, or the thud of a drunkard’s blow, does not beget sympathy and indignation among the neighbors, and then the whole machinery of justice is ever so close that a word of complaint can set it going... But look at these lonely houses, each in its own fields… think of the deeds of hellish cruelty, the hidden wickedness which may go on, year in, year out, in such places, and none the wiser.”

And don’t get me wrong. Holmes loves his double Bird armor. It makes him feel powerful, and hides the fact that he cares so damn much. He likes to pretend he doesn’t: to care is to be weak, ineffective, and untrustworthy. (Mycroft is probably to blame for this bit of thinking too.) But Sherlock Holmes is still able to take off his Bird. He takes it off around Watson. 

Dr. John Watson is a bright charging Lion secondary who is completely incapable of telling a lie. He’s ex-military. He’s Holmes’ muscle/backup. He’s got a gambling problem. And the thing about Holmes and Watson’s dynamic is that while Holmes calls the shots about 90% percent of the time, when it’s important – Watson goes full unstoppable-force Lion. And Holmes just buckles.

“Well, I don’t like it ; but I suppose it must be,” said I. “When do we start?” “You are not coming.” “Then you are not going,” said I. “I give you my word of honor – and I never broke it in my life – that I will take a cab straight to the police station and give you away unless you let me share this adventure with you” “You can’t help me.” “How do you know that? You can’t tell what may happen. Anyway, my resolution is taken.” Holmes had looked annoyed, but his brow cleared, and he clapped me on the shoulder. “Well, well, my dear fellow, be it so.”

Watson’s absolutely a Lion Primary too. First going into medicine, then joining the army even when that’s not the best career move? At the beginning of A Study in Scarlet, Watson is in terrible shape. Can’t sleep. Can’t stand loud noises. He’s “spending such money as I had considerably more freely than I ought.” But it’s not so much the PTSD as it is the the lack of purpose that’s getting to him. He talks a lot about his “meaningless existence” and how how “objectiveless was my life.” That’s a hurting, burned Lion, without a Cause.

And then Sherlock Holmes stumbles in. Overnight Watson’s life has meaning. He is going to help Holmes bring criminals to justice. He is going to make sure Holmes gets the recognition he deserves. And he’s going to get him clean. (ACD gets massive kudos for being against recreational cocaine and morphine use). The things Watson loves about Holmes, things like his “high sense of professional honor” – those are things that get under the skin of a Lion Primary. This is a guy with pictures of abolitionist preachers framed on his wall. John Watson’s not subtle. 

“You don’t mind breaking the law?” [said Holmes] “Not in the least.” “Nor running a chance of arrest?” “Not in a good cause.” “Oh, the cause is excellent!” “Then I am your man.”

And of course, Holmes got lucky in Watson too. Holmes is a Loyalist primary who distrusts other Loyalist primaries – you can’t really blame him, he comes across so many repulsive ones in his day job. (Interestingly, the handful of times Holmes absolutely misreads a motive – “Yellow Face,” “Missing Three-Quarter,” “Scandal in Bohemia” – it’s because he’s going up against a Loyalist primary who is using their powers for good.) 

But Watson is a trustworthy, dependable, predicable, honorable, Idealist who can  look like a Loyalist because his Cause is so focused on one person. So Holmes can be secure in his doctor’s devotion while also getting to lean on the instincts of someone just unflinchingly moral.

tl;dr

Mycroft Holmes – Lion Bird. An extremely big picture Lion whose Cause involves keeping England together. He’s the light-side counterpart of Professor Moriarty.

Sherlock Holmes – Badger Snake. Builds a loud Double Bird model, partly for pleasure, partly have a relationship with his brother, and partly because dealing with so many low-life Loyalist primaries makes him distrust those instincts in himself.

Dr. John Watson - Double Lion. When we meet him he’s pretty burned, due to his twin Causes of Queen and Country not really working out. Luckily, he meets Sherlock Holmes, and finds a new Cause in him.

[protectduffy]

Yandere Types (M)

warning!! this contains violence, controlling/manipulation, stalker themes, nsfw, etc. so don’t read if you’re not comfortable! this is the male edition of some yandere headcanons for the camp boahs

Arthur

- obsession type

- this is probably more intense than what both of you expected it to turn into

- it began with him accompanying you whenever you wanted to leave camp, but then he would get really antsy if he realises you’ve gone somewhere without him

- where did you go? Why didn’t you bring him? Who are you with?

- Arthur follows you, sometimes doing it very subtly and other times just falling into step behind you

- he asks a lot of questions

- high morality Arthur is sweeter, always being careful not to upset you with his questions

- takes pictures of you, though, and keeps them under his mattress

- casually breathes in your scent when you walk past

- more likely to stay out of sight when he’s following you

- if he’s low morality, Arthur is super obsessive, constantly walking with you with one hand on your body somewhere

- he snarls if another man so much as looks at you, antagonising them

- often gets into fights for your sake

- likes to pin your hands down or push you up against things

Dutch

- monopoly type

- the most obsessive

- he’s very manipulative, you’ve seen him at work before but never had you expected him to turn his act on you

- says things like, “I don’t like that boy, I want you to stop seeing him”, “Why are you going there when you can be here with me, darling?”, “Look at me when I’m talking, little girl/boy”

- even when you’re not aware of it, Dutch is there, always watching with that dark look in his eyes

- he slowly starts pushing any friends out of your life who aren’t approved by him, forcing you to depend on him

- he might even “dispose” of some of the people he views as competition, telling you they’ve left you and cradling you when you get upset

- if he absolutely cannot be with you, Dutch makes Micah watch you, but if Micah oversteps his boundaries, he has to brace himself for Pure Rage Dutch

- likes you to wear something of his so that other people know you’re claimed, including one of his rings, his hat, or his shirt

Hosea

- possessive-paranoid type

- the quickest to escalate

- similar to Arthur, Hosea is very much obsessed with you but on another level

- he has to have you all to himself

- unlike the other similar types, he is quite paranoid about losing you and it makes him more frantic

- he always has to have you close and scolds you if you try to leave

- won’t tolerate competition, he doesn’t even argue he just removes you from other people (be it by dragging you away or prompting you to leave, even feigning feeling sick so you’ll feel bad for him)

- is a bit insecure, but also a very god actor so he’s great at covering this up

- can switch his moods in an instant

- you aren’t allowed to go anywhere without him, and he always has to be touching you

Charles

- punishment-dominance type

- possibly the closest to John’s training type, but much more forceful and corrective

- Charles gives you firm reminders if you slip up, if you ignore him, and so on

- he always has to be in control of you, making sure he knows where you are and what you’re doing

- you have to make eye contact with him or he grasps your chin to make sure you look at him

- he isn’t satisfied with just touching you because he wants you to touch him, too, so he makes excuses as if he’s hurt or he’ll simply tell you what he wants

- if you disobey him, you’re in for a long night

- he isn’t above restraining you or spanking, and he won’t let you go until you apologise numerous times

- Charles is usually cool tempered, but the line is when another person touches you, at which point he’ll snap and attack to “defend” you

Javier

- worship type

- he’s so obsessed with you and any amount of attention you give him, even if brief

- worships you and will do anything you ask of him, no matter how ridiculous or dangerous the task is, sometimes without you even having to ask him

- least dangerous type, he wouldn’t hurt you even if it meant risking his progress

- instead, he focuses on luring you in with sweet words in his native tongue and purring compliments, reminding you how much he needs and loves you, what you do to him

- doesn’t really care if other people talk to you but if they don’t treat you with respect, Javier bristles and becomes aggressive to defend your honour

- would die for you in a hot second

- “I need you, don’t go, I love you!”

John

- training type

- it starts with gentle suggestions, trying to correct your behaviour to where he’s happier with how you feel about him

- sometimes snaps at you but then instantly softens, it’s like a switch is flicked between anger and gentleness

- John will always coo at you and embrace you after he’s snapped at you, gently stroking your hair and reassuring you he didn’t mean it

- he begins to get more forceful, prompting you to behave

- “Say you love me, y/n, come on, say it!”

- works on a reward basis, like training a dog

- “Good girl/boy! That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

- makes you think that it’s normal, the way he treats you, because he’s forcing you to adopt the loving behaviour towards him without you even realising his manipulation until it’s too late and you’re stuck in his web of deceit

- if someone else is viewed as competition in his eyes, John only threatens then when you’re not around so that he doesn’t ruin his progress with you

Sean

- restraints type

- he just wants to be with you! forever and ever and ever and ever

- can’t stand to be without you for just one second

- sometimes hides his fear of losing you behind humour and affection

- he grows in intensity very very quickly

- Sean will pick you up or drag you somewhere if you’re not obeying him, or if you try to leave him

- wants to be inseparable, why won’t you stay with him?

- he will tie your hands and/or feet so you can’t leave, or just so he can tease you and gaze upon you

- prefers to hold you down with his hands and body, but also enjoys a good length of rope

- also uses scarves for a bit of extra fun

Lenny

- dependence type

- knows how to get to your soft spot

- he insists he needs you and will beg if he has to so you won’t leave him

- enjoys faking being sick or getting himself scraped up so you will nurse him back to health

- he just bathes in your attention

- lots of pet names and sweet compliments, almost sickly sweet, and gets a bit whiny if you ignore him

- “I need you, can’t you see?! I can’t do this without you! It would ruin me!”

- tries to get sympathy from you or make you feel bad in any way so that you’ll consider staying

- if you do leave, he’ll go absolutely insane and probably go on a rampage just to get you back whatever the cost may be

Kieran

- wrong idea type

- Kieran is so into you from the moment he sets eyes upon you

- he’s smitten and convinced that you’re into him, unfortunately assuming that there’s something there where there actually isn’t

- watches you a lot

- if you smile at him, he gets all bashful and believes that you’re sending him signals

- if you touch him, oh, he loses his mind! 

- he has the bad habit of getting the wrong idea in the most innocent of acts

- drools if you wear anything that shows even a little bit of skin and will probably think that you’re wearing it just for him

- protective, too, he scowls and gets huffy if other men show you attention but he probably won’t act on it

- even if you flatly tell him you’re not interested, he thinks you’re playing a game or just lying for the sake of it

Eagle Flies

- deceptive type

- everything is behind the scenes with Eagle Flies, and he’s very good at what he does

- what he does, exactly, is manipulate and deceive you in subtle ways in order to gain your affections

- it starts off small, like loosing your horse so you’ll go on a walk alone with him to find it, and memorising your schedule for his benefit

- however, if you don’t respond soon enough for him, he becomes impatient

- you’re his to love, can’t you see that?

- he’ll definitely challenge anyone who he sees as a threat to his love for you

- he starts working harder to force you to care for him by making sure you can’t leave

- one afternoon when you were suggesting heading back to your home after a visit to Eagle Flies on his lands, he was quick to do anything he could to stop you

- he had one of his friends come crashing from the shrubbery claiming that there were dangerous soldiers nearby, which inevitably meant you had to stay with Eagle Flies to stay safe

- once, when you really insisted on having to get back, he disappeared into the forest and came back unbeknown to you with a fistful of yellow flowers

- mixed with water and offered as a drink to you, it doesn’t take long for the headache and weariness that washes over you

- feigning being surprised at your sudden “cold”, Eagle Flies makes sure to keep you on his bed of soft furs

- he’s so good at deceiving you that eventually you start to succumb to his caring nature and he relaxes, but he’s always just a little on edge, ready to find some new way to keep you all to himself

[trenchcas]

episode origins p1

i was watching moriah earlier today and was wondering what the significance of the name moriah was, so i searched it up. i’ll explain it here in this. i wanted to learn which episodes have titles derived from pop culture, literature, etc. so i put together this list. it’s not complete, feel free to reblog with more!

why did i waste hours on my life on this, you ask? i don’t know. 

season 1

pilot: obviously, all the first episodes of shows are called pilots. nothing new here.

wendigo: they’re fighting a wendigo

dead in the water: the phrase means “unable to function, move”.

phantom traveler: the name of the demon they’re fighting

bloody mary: based off the legend

skin: shapeshifters, also there might be a meta about how it’s a metaphor for dean

hook man: they’re fighting a hook man

bugs: bugs

home: they go home

asylum: they go to an asylum

scarecrow: scarecrow

faith: the concept of god first comes into play here, i thought that was pretty interesting. that’s why it’s called faith, duh. dean + faith is explored.

route 666: racist truck yes

nightmare: sam’s visions

the benders: i think it’s based off of the bloody benders, a family of serial killers

shadow: meg’s stalkery?

hell house: it was literally a hell house

something wicked: originally chanted by WITCHES in shakespeare’s macbeth. the full line is “something wicked this way comes, open locks, whoever knocks”. obviously the shtriga is a witch and it refers to that.

provenance: painting provenances, it’s in the episode

dead man’s blood: they use dead man’s blood

salvation: being saved or protected, like the boys and john do with the family

devil’s trap: the devil gets them in a trap. and they built a giant devil’s trap too.

season two

in my time of dying: based off of the led zeppelin song [x]

everybody loves a clown: based off of the gary lewis song [x]

bloodlust: i think it’s for the vampires but they were also a band in the 90′s

children shouldn’t play with dead things: based off of the 1972 movie

simon said: the whole “you do what i say” thing with andy and evil andy

no exit: it’s a song by blondie and in the episode h.h. holmes captures blondes...? am i just clowning

the usual suspects: based off of the 1995 movie

crossroad blues: based off of the robert johnson song (fave!) [x]

croatoan: i like this one. okay, so you guys probably know about the whole roanoke/croatoan thing in the 1600′s. so there’s a theory that the settlers were wiped out by a disease (similar to this town). also, the town would disappear off of the map.

hunted: gordon hunted sam

playthings: dolls, but the little girl was the grandma’s sisters plaything

nightshifter: a shifter in the night

houses of the holy: based off of the led zeppelin song and album [x]

born under a bad sign: based off of this song [x] there are a bunch of others including jimi hendrix but...?

tall tales: yeah i think this one is self explanatory

roadkill: someone got killed on the road

heart: werewolf heart but also how sam gave his heart to madison aww also there’s a band called heart

hollywood babylon: based off of the book by the same name

folsom prison blues: based off of the johnny cash song!! [x]

what is and what should never be: based off of the led zeppelin song [x]

all hell breaks loose: yes it did

season three

the magnificent seven: based off of the pretty famous western go watch

the kids are alright: based off of the who song [x]

bad day at black rock: based off of the 1955 movie

sin city: there’s a bunch of songs but the city was sinning so

bedtime stories: they were bedtime stories

red sky at morning: the full phrase is “red sky at morning, sailors take warning”. with the theme of this ep it fits pretty well.

fresh blood: fresh blood yes

a very supernatural christmas: i’m not sure. i think it’s based off of a christmas album?

malleus maleficarum: a 1400′s book of witches. latin for “hammer of the witches”.

dream a little dream of me: i love this song! based off this: [x]

mystery spot: mystery spot

jus in bello: i can’t really explain it but here [x]

ghostfacers: g h o s t f a c e r s

long-distance call: long distance call

time is on my side: based off of the rolling stones song [x]

no rest for the wicked: a biblical quote that means “evildoers will face eternal punishment”. also, “one’s work never ceases”.

season four

lazarus rising: in the bible, lazarus is the righteous man, which makes dean the righteous man. and he rises. so. 

are you there, god? it’s me, dean winchester: based off of the judy blume book (maybe?), are you there, god? it’s me, margaret.

in the beginning: they go back in time

metamorphosis: with the rugaru but also sammeh

monster movie: monsters and movies

yellow fever: referring to the disease i think, but also there are a few songs

it’s the great pumpkin, sam winchester: based off of it’s the great pumpkin, charlie brown.

wishful thinking: yeah

i know what you did last summer: dean + hell, sam + ruby. is it based off of the shawn mendes song? i don’t think it is because this came out way before the song.

heaven and hell: opposite sides meet, dean’s hell experiences.

family remains: there are remains

criss angel is a douche bag: idk?

after school special: based off of the abc program? i think?

sex and violence: there was a lot of sex. and violence.

death takes a holiday: death took a holiday

on the head of a pin: i’m not sure but this article is interesting, maybe related. probably related. [x]

it’s a terrible life: based off of it’s a wonderful life? i love that movie btw

the monster at the end of this book: ughhh! yes!!! first of all there’s a sesame street book by the same title. also, chuck actually was the monster at the end of the book! that’s crazy. insane. 

jump the shark: “(of a television series or movie) reach a point at which far-fetched events are included merely for the sake of novelty, indicative of a decline in quality.“ probably the whole long lost brother thing.

the rapture: a belief that christians will rise to “meet the lord in the air”. kinda like jimmy does.

when the levee breaks: based off of the led zeppelin song [x]

lucifer rising: lucifer rose

season five

sympathy for the devil: based off of the rolling stones song [x]

good god, y’all!: cas goes to find god

free to be you and me: a marlo thomas album and the brothers split up

the end: yeah it’s the end

fallen idols: i think we get it

i believe the children are our future: a lyric from a whitney houston song

the curious case of dean winchester: based off of the short story, the curious case of benjamin button.

changing channels: channels were changed. the end.

the real ghostbusters: based on the 1985 animation

abandon all hope: the full phrase is “abandon all hope, ye who enter here” and that pretty much sums up this episode.

sam, interrupted: i’m not sure?

swap meat: meats were SWAPPED.

the song remains the same: based off of the led zeppelin song [x]

my bloody valentine: based on jensen’s movie. but also the band?

dead men don’t wear plaid: based on the 1982 movie

dark side of the moon: a pink floyd album

99 problems: that one jayz song whatever

point of no return: a 1993 movie but also the poto song hehe

hammer of the gods: based off of the 1985 book i think? it’s about led zeppelin so probably yeah.

the devil you know: means that it’s better to deal with a situation you understand than one you don’t.

two minutes to midnight: this phrase is commonly used as a countdown to a global catastrophe (i.e. the fucking apocalypse)

swan song: someone’s final performance before retirement (i think this is about both brothers because it’s sam last battle and dean’s last fight before living with lisa)

season six

exile on main st.: based off of the rolling stones album [x]

two and a half men: it was a sitcom? but idk if that’s where it’s from

the third man: based off of the 1949 noir thriller? maybe? but there were also three men so idrk

weekend at bobby’s: it was a weekend at bobbys

live free or twi-hard: based off of twilight and that bruce willis movie that i watched once way back when

you can’t handle the truth: truth goddess. soulless sam gets exposed ig

family matters: based off of the 1989 sitcom? maybe

all dogs go to heaven: based off of the 1989 movie? probably

clap your hands if you believe: i think this is an original title idk

caged heat: based off of the 1974 movie i think

appointment in samarra: probably based off of the 1934 novel of the same name

like a virgin: based off of the madonna song [x]

unforgiven: sam does unforgiven things

mannequin 3: the reckoning: not sure

the french mistake: just... just read this link [x]

and then there were none: based off of the agatha christie novel of the same name

my heart will go on: y’all all know what’s up [x]

frontierland: they went to yeehaw town

mommy dearest: based on the 1981 film? maybe?

the man who would be king: based off of the 1888 novel by rudyard kipling

let it bleed: based off of the rolling stones album/song [x]

the man who knew too much: shares a name with the 1956 film

season seven

meet the new boss: they met the new boss idk

hello, cruel world: sad sam

the girl next door: there’s a 2004 romcom with the same name

defending your life: a 1991 romcom! wow!

shut up, dr. phil: sam and dean became philanthropists idk

slash fiction: hahahahaha i think we know what it means but wHY is it called that?

the mentalists: they met a bunch of magic people wow!

season 7, time for a wedding!: more like season 7, time for a slightly r*pey episode and GARTH!

how to win friends and influence monsters: based off of the 1936 book how to win friends and influence people

death’s door: they were at death’s door idk

adventures in babysitting: based off of the 1987 movie by the same name

time after time after time: based off of the cyndi lauper song? [x]

the slice girls: prolly based off of the spice girls idk

plucky pennywhistle’s magic menagerie: yeah idk

repo man: it’s a 1984 film too

out with the old: they were fucking around with antiques

the born-again identity: obviously based off of the bourne identity which i haven’t seen in forever

party on, garth: hahaha

of grave importance: it was very important

the girl with the dungeons and dragons tattoo: probably based off of the movie/book the girl with the dragon tattoo. 

reading is fundamental: reading is fundamental. go read a book.

there will be blood: there was blood

survival of the fittest: everybody fought idk

okay i’m gonna stop here for this one because i’m tired asf and i’ll do part 2 later 

[dotthings]

Now that’s how to do pain. It hurts but there was growth and the story and characters moved forward. Thoughts on 14.18 featuring lonely bunker tracking shots, Jack’s subconscious being an asshole, self-aware Winchesters, remorseful Cas, big Destiel drama, and Team Free Will tested but not broken. 

“Get out of jail free card.” So yeah. Jack’s been fixing mortal injuries and murdering enemies and being the magical fix-it guy and this is exactly why the writers have had to keep messing up Cas in various ways or having him vanish because Sam and Dean can’t have a magical superpower hanging around fixing stuff all the time. Jack is a lot more powerful than Cas now, and a lot more of a wild card, while Cas as completely proven himself, so this issue has shifted from Cas, who is much more of a steady fixture in Sam and Dean’s lives, to Jack who is re-powered up and extra powerful and a loose cannon. So of course things have to go terribly wrong with Jack. What the endpoint will be, I don’t know. Re-souled and reduced power? Re-souled and turned human? I don’t know. There’s probably going to be a lot of hurt first.

The shots of that empty bunker as the camera reflects Sam and Dean’s search for Mary and Jack, who were supposed to be back there, is very very telling. Oh so interesting. Sam and Dean alone in their bunker is no bueno and the narrative is underscoring in yellow highlighter with these visuals and the boys’ worry. The bunker should be filled with their family and the emptiness and loneliness of those tracking shots...

“Not Nick, not Lucifer. I’m you.” So Jack created this manifestation? Have to say, Jack’s subconscious is an asshole, and extremely hard on Jack. Of course.

This music score is some MCU epic angst levels.

Okay, Nick’s really dead-dead. Can’t say I’m sorry but I get that for the characters, this is horrifying, to know someone they care about killed someone like that. It’s not about whether Nick deserved it, it’s the out of control brutality. I’ll just wave my hands and pretend this isn’t undermined by how much an actual honest-to-god majority of the fandom in every lane, even lanes that never agree on anything, wanted Nick gone and thank you, Jack.

Cas’s memory flashback of Mary, oh noes, this hurts. He offers to heal her but she’s reluctant. “Are you still afraid of me?” Oh my heart. Cas forming attachments to more than just Sam and Dean, this matters. Cas of yore didn’t attach like that, and didn’t mourn. Not the way now!Cas does. 

Cas: “I know you know this Mary, but Sam and Dean are glad to have you back...you should know they’re happy. I mean, finally they don’t have to be so alone.” Mary: “Castiel...they were never alone.”

LEAVE ME TO CRY SHE KNOWS CAS WAS THERE FOR THEM SHE ACKNOWLEDGES IT. 

And it’s interesting Cas assumes their aloneness when, well, he exists. No, I don’t think this line is there to acknowledge Sam and Dean have each other although that’s certainly true as to why they were never really alone and Mary knows that too. But the context here was Cas specifically talking about Mary, a third party, making them less alone, and Mary points out they haven’t been, because hello, Cas is right there and has been there for them a long time and Mary has figured that out.

Oh goooood everything about this Sam, Dean, and Cas scene is heartbreaking.

“I was scared. I believed in Jack for so long. I believed that he was good...we were a faily and I didn’t want to lose that...I failed you and I failed Jack.”

JUST STAB ME.

Dean’s lashing out, saying if anything has happened to Mary, “you’re dead to me” to Cas is very harsh. That doesn’t mean he’s a horrible person, abusive, doesn’t love Cas, is actually going to never ever forgive Cas. He’s scared too. He’s grieving he’s hurt and he trusts Cas. Cas holding this information from them wasn’t the right thing to do. But it’s also not all Cas’s fault, Sam and Dean knew something was wrong, they knew Jack was soulless. So it’s not a matter of Cas deserves to hear such harsh words. 

Dean is ready to grab that BOTD and do whatever it takes. Hey Dean, remember in S10 you made Sam swear to never use that to save you? Because of the damage it could cause? After you say “you’re dead to me” to your best friend--even if understandable how upset you are--now you’re throwing away your own hard-earned awareness of the butterfly effect of going too far to get a loved one back. Dean is in major pain and not thinking clearly. And oh here’s the thing...he doesn’t get into this state of mind just for Sam.

I’ve pointed this out before, I’ll say it again: it’s not about Sam. It’s not about Cas. It’s not about Mary. It’s a Dean thing. It’s his fear of losing family. Talk all you want about how far Dean will go for Sam but he’s flipping out losing it over Mary, and we saw how devastated he was by Cas’s death, to the point he lost all hope. Dean’s rage over Kevin’s death and he broke furniture. Dean’s rage over Mary’s death and he broke furniture. We saw MoC Dean completely lose it over Charlie’s death. We saw what Dean was like in Purgatory refusing to leave Cas behind no matter the risk to himself, to themselves (although not risk to the world).

This is all incredibly painful but I’m not seeing how else Dean should be expected to react all this, I also think it wouldn’t be good if things stay there with no growing and well, guess what, they don’t.

Something that isn’t making sense--if Jack is soulless, how does he feel this much remorse for killing Mary, how is his subconscious torturing him so much about losing Sam and Dean’s trust? I’m not sure where Jack’s story is going ultimately but maybe this is a reason to hope he’s not completely lost.

Rowena: “Talk to them Jack, they’re your kin.” Yep. Rowena, who said yes to Michael to save them all. Who swore up and down to never be weak again, that love was a weakness, has gone all Team Free Will on us. I love her arc so much.

Mary training Jack flashback. I’m always happy when SPN actually shows hunter training and this transitions beautifully into a Sam memory of Mary and now I’m going to start yelling about CLOSURE CLOSURE CLOSURE again. Like last week, it’s all pointing to saying goodbye to Mary. (Which I have some thoughts on, on a meta-textual level, but will do that in a different post).

“How much did the two of you go through when I wasn’t there for you” “Somehow they’re literally the bravest, kindest most heroic men on the planet.” I AM GOING TO CRY. I’m glad Sam got to hear all that. I’m sorry Dean didn’t but he did get Mary’s apology last week for not being there for them more often.

But damn, CLOSURE THEME. I been saying. After John literally fading in ep 300 and Sam and Dean moving forward from that. Now they say goodbye to Mary. 

“Cas should have told us.” “Dean, it wasn’t just Cas. We knew Jack was dangerous...I just dumped Jack on Cas and left. I knew something was gonna...” “I did too...it was a warning...I just couldn’t see it.”

MY BEAUTIFUL SELF-AWARE HURTY WINCHESTERS.

So there it is. Yeah Dean is still mad and Sam has to initiate the wave-down and takes the pro-Cas argument. But Dean capitulates immediately. He knows. They both know. They all knew something was wrong with Jack and it’s not all on Cas, although yes Cas should have told them about Felix. The narrative continues again and again to show sympathy for Sam, Dean, and Cas and I am immensely enjoying all this character development where they’re voicing these things so readily. That this conversation fell within the same episode as Dean’s harsh words to Cas.

Of course Cas isn’t there to hear this, but things are pointed in a good direction for these three at least.

They all wanted to believe in Jack so so much. Even Dean with his initial rejection was won over. They all wanted to believe. I can’t say they were wrong, because I can see why they did, and by S14 I’m rooting for Jack to be good too. I’ve been metaing all season about the good Jack as brought for them, Team Free dads. 

I don’t have a strong sense where they’re going with Jack, it’s not like with Mary and what looked like an inevitable march to closure. I did expect Jack to go dark and here we are. But where this lands? I hope they don’t lose Jack. I don’t think they were wrong to see the good in him but how does soulless ultra-powered Jack can get fixed and how he can come back from having killed Mary Winchester? 

Dumah tells Cas that Mary is “at peace. She died instantly, completely.”

There’s Rowena, being the Cassandra warning Jack about the consequences of meddling with necromancy, plus there’s no body so it’ll be a full mess. 

Dean wanted to race for the BOTD. Jack is hell-bent on using necromancy. Winchesters.

Dean’s memory of Mary sleeping on his shoulder as he drives through the night and he looks so content and happy. JUST STAB ME IT WOULD HURT LESS.

Although Dean didn’t get to hear all the things Sam did from Mary, Dean did get some sense of connection back with her. He got to have his mom back, that hole of loss that’s been in him since he was four years old and he accepted the whole brittle complicated realness package, after most of his life idealizing a soft-focus childhood memory. Although he hits the ceiling about Mary in this ep, Dean was able to let John go in ep 300, and I think losing Mary now is also different. He’s not four years old. He has a family (albeit one that’s yet again a hot mess but I think they’ll work things out). He got at least to get to know her as Dean the adult, not Dean the four year old who had his mom ripped away plus trauma of seeing her burning on the ceiling. He got to say what he said to her in S12, to acknowledge what losing her did to him, to their family, and his hate and his love. There’s at least some healing here.

Jack’s subconscious really wants to burn it all down. Not only will Sam and Dean never trust Jack again, “you can never trust them.” Oh SHUT UP WHO ASKED YOU, JACK’S SUBCONSCIOUS.

Sam looking at the pictures. MY SADNESS

AND CAS WALKS IN. 

AND THEN DEAN.

Okay, that’s good, they’re all in the same room and nobody is yelling. Dean’s still behind a wall of ice right now.

“She’s in heaven and she’s at peace.”

Dean’s clipped inquiry about whether Cas just took Duma at her word about Mary and Cas’s reply that no in fact he went into heaven to see for himself. Zing. Is that all you think of me, Dean, pls. Without getting outwardly angry at Dean. Okay yes this is terrible but they are going to be okay and this is some big Destiel drama going on right here before our eyes. If anyone ever got it together enough to bring this out of subtext to full text, I’d be expecting make-up sex. 

Sam, Dean, and Cas holding the hunter’s funeral pyre for Mary hurts in a thousand ways but for the sake of Team Free Will, the three of them grieving together, they’re all there together, shouldering it...I expected this ep to be a Team Free Will fest and it is, in a really hurty way. It’s also significant we’re seeing Cas grieving. To get to grieve. To be present at a hunter funeral for family.

Cas trying to go to Dean to comfort him, and I presume try to apologize and say how very sorry he is and Sam putting out his arm and stopping him was shattering but so right. Sam is right. Dean needs some breathing room and Dean deserves some breathing room. He’s not canceling Cas but he’s still raw from the grief and trust issues. 

Dean has already acknowledged his own shared culpability. He hasn’t talked to Cas about it but he acknowledged it, and Sam acknowledged it. As I said earlier, Dean trusted Cas so much and they went through so much together to get there. Even if Dean knows it isn’t all on Cas I think Cas hiding the information about Felix from him shook him. He also, given that he already acknowledged shared culpability, is likely feeling uncomfortable because after saying “you’re dead to me” to Cas, well, how does he walk back from that? And even if his rational brain knows it isn’t all on Cas, Dean still hurts. So Dean’s not ready and Sam knows it, and I think Sam, knowing that, also sees how desperately Cas wants to make things right with Dean, and that if Cas gets rebuffed right then, it’ll hurt even more. Sam is playing Destiel mediator, as well as being protective of Dean, and you just know he hates it when they’re like this, but he also understands. This gesture was really intuitive of Sam. 

The MW joining the SW and DW on the table feels right. Interesting nobody added a JW. Back to my thoughts about the camera’s lonely track through the empty bunker, SW and DW’s initials aren’t alone on that table any more. Even though they lost Mary. Hopefully family doesn’t have to die to get carved on there and we may see more to come.

I’ll put some extra Mary thoughts in another post.

[daresplaining]

Defenders Countdown: 28 Days

Power Man and Iron Fist

    The time has come! In less than a month, Luke Cage and Danny Rand will finally be running headfirst (fist first?) into each other in glorious live action. In preparation, here is a quick overview of the history of this most beautiful of friendships.  

    Luke and Danny meet under less-than-ideal circumstances-- though as any longtime reader of superhero comics knows, the best friendships often start with an editorially-mandated Superpowered Showdown(TM). Luke’s loved ones-- Claire Temple and Noah Burstein-- are kidnapped by sleazy mob boss Bushmaster, and threatened with death unless Luke kidnaps one of Bushmaster’s own enemies. The kidnappee in question is Misty Knight-- bionic ex-cop, one half of Nightwing Restorations, and Danny’s girlfriend. Luke, who grudgingly agrees in order to ensure Claire and Burstein’s safety, learns that Misty is at the Rand townhouse and busts in to grab her. 

    Chaos ensues. It just so happens that Misty and Danny are out on a date, and instead, Luke runs into Colleen Wing-- who manages to call for backup just before Luke knocks her unconscious. Misty shows up next, and gets in a few good hits before getting KO’d as well. When Danny arrives and sees what’s happened to his two closest friends, he is... less than forgiving.    

Danny: “Mr. Cage-- turn around.”

Power Man #48 by Chris Claremont, John Byrne, and Francoise Mouly

    As anyone might after getting a building dropped on them, Luke comes up swinging. The fight is as intense as you’d expect, with Danny’s extreme training and chi powers balanced out by Luke’s sheer toughness and strength. They’re both used to winning, and this surprising challenge shocks and impresses them. Seeing at last that the fight can’t go on, and trusting Power Man’s heroic reputation in spite of his current behavior, Danny takes a gamble and lets Luke grab him. 

Danny: “Hands like vise... can’t breathe... But... I... sense at heart... Power Man isn’t... killer. I can try... tiger claw to eyes... last resort... blind him... Then, if that works, if I can summon... strength... pop his eardrums... killing blow, but not yet.”

Luke: “Lord, no-- What am I doin’?”

Power Man #48 by Chris Claremont, John Byrne, and Francoise Mouly

    This near murder shocks Luke out of the fight. Calming down enough to explain himself, he soon earns Danny, Misty, and Colleen’s trust and sympathy. As a team, they rescue Claire and Dr. Burstein from Bushmaster’s headquarters, and then-- with the help of Danny’s attorney Jeryn Hogarth-- free Luke, at last, of the drug charges that originally sent him to jail. 

Danny: “Alone at last. You changed your name, huh? Jeryn says your real, legal identity is now Lucas Cage! [...] Luke, how do you feel?”

Luke: “Kid, if you live a thousand years, you’ll never know [...] how sick I felt when they put me away... an’ how gut-bustin’ good I feel tonight. I ain’t just free, Danny-boy, I been reborn!”

Power Man and Iron Fist vol. 1 #50 by Chris Claremont, John Byrne, Dan Green, et al. 

    Luke and Danny’s friendship progresses quickly after this. They start hanging out (their first one-on-one team-up occurs while Luke is giving Danny a tour of Harlem), and they come to realize that they really enjoy partnering up. At the time, Luke is working on retainer for Misty and Colleen’s P.I. business, but with Danny in the picture he considers revitalizing his own operation-- this time with some key changes.   

Luke: “Y’know, Danny-- we make a pretty good team. If I wasn’t part of Misty’s detective agency...”

Danny: “You got fired, remember? Although I’m sure they’ll take you back. If you really want them to...”

Power Man and Iron Fist vol. 1 #53 by Chris Claremont, Ed Hannigan, Sal Buscema, et al.

    When the offer comes, Danny eagerly agrees to join Luke’s Heroes for Hire business-- for several reasons. Having been born wealthy and then raised in a society without an emphasis on financial gain, Danny has no concept of the value of money. He hopes that joining Luke’s small, low-income business will fix this. It also gives him the sense of purpose and chance to use his skills that he has been desperately searching for since becoming stranded on Earth. But mostly, it allows him to spend more time with Luke. For the 72 issues that Heroes for Hire exists in its original form, Luke, Danny, and friends face down everything from dragons to Daleks (not a joke-- there are actual Daleks in this series)-- while building both a reputation as one of the baddest street-level teams around, and a friendship that is nothing short of legendary.    

Danny: “--It’s me! [...] Are you all right?”

Luke: “Just fine now! Bet you’re the one who saved my hide, right?”

Danny: “Well, I, uh, suppose I did.”

Luke: “I knew that you did!”

Power Man and Iron Fist vol. 1 #85 by Denny O’Neil, Keith Pollard, and Christie Scheele

    All good things must come to an end, however, and the first iteration of Luke and Danny’s partnership ends in the most sudden, shocking way possible. In a freak accident, Danny is beaten to death by another superhero, and Luke is blamed for it. 

Tower: “Fact: Iron Fist was pummeled to death by someone with superhuman strength. Fact: the day before the murder you had an argument with Iron Fist. A very loud, very public argument. Fact: Iron Fist’s will names you as sole beneficiary of the Rand fortune. Fact: your P.I. firm, Heroes for Hire, has been going down the drain from the word go. Fact: you’re an ex-con with a reputation for being a hothead. [...] I may not have an airtight case... but I’ve got enough to hang on to you until I do.”

Luke: “What are you pushin’ for, Tower? District Attorney not good enough for you? You runnin’ for mayor or somethin’?! You’re grasping at straws, man. You got nothin’ and you know it. I loved that man.”

Power Man and Iron Fist vol. 1 #125 by James Owsley, Mark Bright, and Bob Sharen

    Luke manages to avoid a prison sentence, but the experience seriously damages his psyche. He has once more been accused of a crime he didn’t commit, thus proving that in the eyes of the world, he’ll always be a morally suspect ex-con-- one capable of murdering someone he thought of as a brother. In the wake of Danny’s death he moves to Chicago, trades in the yellow v-neck and tiara for a more subdued, darker look, and starts a new solo act as a tough mercenary who’s only in it for the money. When it turns out that Danny didn’t actually die, but had been replaced by a shape-shifting sentient plant from K’un-Lun (er, long story...), it takes Luke a little while to sort out his feelings. 

Danny: “Like the ‘in it for bucks’ attitude you throw in everyone’s face? That’s not you. [...] And it also stops anyone from getting too close, eh? Like I did?”

Luke: “Yeah! Don’t you get it? You proved the only one I could ever count on’s me.”

Cage vol. 1 #12 by Marc McLaurin, Dwayne Turner, and Kris Renkewitz

    ...But he and Danny figure things out. 

Luke: “Got your ticket and... all, Fist?”

Danny: “Yeah, Luke. Look, despite all that’s happened-- all that’s changed-- I want you to know, you’re still my best friend. And I’ll always be there.”

Luke: “Me too, man. Me too.”

Cage vol. 1 #13 by Marc McLaurin, Scott Benefiel, and Frank Turner

    Since then they have remained BFFs and de facto brothers, sticking together through several more iterations of Heroes for Hire, Luke’s own personal Avengers team, and everything in between. When Luke and Jessica Jones have a baby, they name her Danielle-- Dani for short.       

Danny: “That’s really nice, guys.”

Jessica: “You’re her family. You know that, right? (Unless you’re really a Skrull, then you can go @##$ yourself.)”

Luke: “And you got matchin’ booties.” 

Jessica: “Man, he’s been waiting to drop that joke on you.” 

New Avengers vol. 1 #34 by Brian Michael Bendis, Leinil Yu, and Dave McCaig

    ...And in that one alternate universe where Danny and Misty’s baby is real (stay tuned for our Danny and Misty post for more on that...), they name her after her uncle Luke. 

Jessica: “Lucy, how does your dad look?”

Lucy: “Daddy, you look beautiful.”

Danny: “Thank you, Lucy. Man, you look so much like your mom. How’d I get so lucky?”

Secret Wars: Secret Love, “Misty and Danny Forever” by Jeremy Whitley and Gurihiru

   As is often the case with people who have spent years in close proximity, they’ve rubbed off on each other-- to the point where they can anticipate each other’s behavior, occasionally finish each other’s sentences, and (possibly most endearingly) have even picked up each other’s slang and speech patterns.

Guy: “What about the explosives?”

Luke: “Fist’s taken care of that.”

Guy: How do you know?”

Luke: “’Cause I know him!”

Power Man and Iron Fist vol. 1 #89 by Denny O’Neil, Denys Cowan, and Christie Scheele

Danny: “All right, mama, you may be bigger, badder and... a few thousand years more powerful than the last dragon I faced... but then I hadn’t mastered the power of the Iron Fist!”

Immortal Weapons #5 by David Lapham, Arturo Lozzi, and June Chung

    Luke and Danny’s newest H4H venture was recently torpedoed by Diamondback, and they’re both currently working through some major changes in their own lives, but their love is stronger than ever. 

Luke: “It’s gonna be okay, brother. I love you.”

Danny: “Love you, too.”

Power Man and Iron Fist vol. 3 #15 by David Walker, Sanford Greene, and Lee Loughridge

    The teasing and baiting of Luke and Danny’s imminent encounter in The Defenders has been relentless-- from Danny worrying about Claire’s unnamed, bullet-riddled friend in Episode 11 of Iron Fist, to Mike Colter and Finn Jones hugging on stage at NYCC last year. In the interviews they’ve done together so far, the two actors have displayed what we consider to be fantastic chemistry, and when questioned about their characters’ relationship in the show, they’ve both indicated a level of care being taken to their interactions that, for us, is a big relief. After all, they can’t rely on viewers having read the comics-- this friendship needs to be built anew in the MCU.   

Finn: "The dynamic between the characters is working really well. Before we started this, because there was such hype around our characters coming together for the first time, there was a worry that it might be too over- sensationalised or too over-written or too over-anticipated. But the way that it’s written and the way that we’re getting on and working together, it feels really natural.”

Mike: "They’re trying to organically allow our characters to get to know each other, without just going, ‘Hey, I like you, you like me, let’s hang out!’”

Source: SFX

    At this point, we know that Luke and Danny will have their all-important bonding fight-- likely not on the building-destroying scale we’d like (see the beginning of the post), but that’s okay. We also know that both characters are starting from different emotional places than when they met in the comics-- with Luke relatively at peace following his acceptance as Harlem’s hero and the end of his prison sentence, and Danny feeling lost and untrusting in the wake of  all his recent betrayals and the disappearance of K’un-Lun. It will be fascinating to see how these altered mindsets impact the development of their relationship in the show. We also have this little tidbit from Finn, which provides some hints as to the source of their initial tension: 

“There's friction there at the beginning, and it's pretty obvious because we come from two different worlds. Luke Cage is from the streets. And he's trying to do good. He cares about community, he cares about lifting the bottom up... whereas Danny comes from a completely different side of New York, one of privilege, power, and money. And so when they come together, they definitely have a clash of ideals which, throughout The Defenders, they are coming to grips with.”

Source: Den of Geek 

    We have to admit to being nervous about this. The class difference is a notable element of Luke and Danny’s friendship, and something that has been a source of misunderstandings in the comics: 

Luke: “Don’t seem fair, somehow... how some folks gotta hustle all their lives just to get by, and others got it made ‘cause they were born rich. Only thing all that hustling ever got me was a term in Seagate Prison-- ‘Little Alcatraz’-- for something I never even did.”

Danny: “Luke, we’re partners now. You’re my best friend. Anything I have is yours... whatever you want. Just name it.”

Luke: “No way! I got little enough as it is without losin’ my self respect, too.”

Danny: “But I didn’t... I only meant...”

Power Man and Iron Fist vol. 1 #56 by Mary Jo Duffy, Trevor Von Eeden, and George Roussos

    Danny’s utter lack of interest in money jarring with Luke’s desire to make a living is a neat thing, and we would love to see it integrated into the show. However... it shouldn’t lead them to actually fight. Unless handled impeccably, that would feel out-of-character and weird. Danny is the most down-to-earth billionaire ever, who lacks the typical mindset of those born rich, and this needs to remain true since it’s a key component of his character. Even if Rand Enterprises had some direct, negative impact on Harlem that were to come to light in The Defenders (which-- hey-- is possible), we can’t imagine a reason why Danny wouldn’t be completely on Luke’s side. 

    But of course, we’ll reserve our judgement until we’ve actually watched the show. For the moment, we can’t wait to finally see this friendship happen. It’s gonna be beautiful.           

[hollygopossumlovesj2]

Swept Away, Part 1

Characters: Dean Winchester (23 years old, so preseason 1), Reader. (future x reader) mentions of John, Sam and Reader’s family.

Warnings: ANGST, Dean’s self worth problems, severe injury, canon level violence. Mention of medications for pain and anxiety. Also, abuse of John Winchester’s parenting skills. This part is PG-13 but will be at least R in future parts. (Also credit to whoever made the gif, its not mine. I found it on Google.)

Summary: John sends Dean to the mountains of Agness, Oregon alone to track a possible werewolf. What he finds turns out to be a little more than he can handle. Dean is left wondering if his father set him up to fail.

A/N: So, this was written for @mamaredd123‘s Angst Appreciation Day Challenge, Shred All the Hearts. My prompt was to use the song ‘Listen to Your Heart’ by Roxette and to rip peoples hearts out. I hope I deliver on this request. I’m late as hell and I deeply apologize. This is only the first part, but there is plenty of angst here to enjoy.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile. I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea. You've built a love but that love falls apart. Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

 It was a sunny, warm day in Agness, Oregon, and you couldn’t get a Roxette song out of your head. You had no idea why it was stuck on replay, but it wasn’t unusual for your brain to taunt you in this way. Wisps of thin clouds that look like they've been painted on a bright blue sky float by on a cool breeze. A promise that the temperature will drop nearly thirty degrees when the sun goes down due to the proximity of the mountains. You like the feeling of freedom that the place gives you, but you could do without the dramatic drops in temperature.

 Your house sitting while your grandparents are spending the summer touring Europe. Being a junior in college, and accepting anything that would give decent pay, you are actually enjoying your alone time. Whether you are home in Seattle, Washington or at school at Washington State in Pullman, you are constantly surrounded by people.

 Out here, in your grandparent’s cabin on the bank of the Rogue River, it's peaceful. You found yourself sitting on the deck most days, typing away at the book you've been writing for a year now. But, you can't expect much else from an English major with aspirations of publishing your many adventures one day, can you?

 You don't really want for anything out here, except for maybe a Starbucks. You drive an hour out to buy a couple of weeks’ worth of groceries and that is your quota fill of socializing. If you are feeling extra adventurous, you stop at the Olive Garden on the route back home.

 Agness is a small town, filled with mostly retired couples and the occasional tourist. From your trips into the quaint downtown to get your Starbucks fix in the form of a glass bottled Frappuccino, you’d met pretty much everyone in the neighborhood.

 The residents all treat you like you are their own grandchild, dropping off meals and baked goods regularly. There is also Dr. Marjorie Foster, a divorcee who likes to pop by after crazy days at the hospital to share a bottle of wine and sarcastic banter. So, although you are technically alone, you feel rather safe and spoiled.

 Listen to your heart when he's calling for you. Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.

That's probably why you were drawn to the black Chevy Impala parked to the left of the small parking lot. It was parked beneath a copse of trees, like the big black beauty could ever be inconspicuous. Add that to the silver scratches all along its side and hood, plus the flat tire that was sitting on its rim, made it even harder to miss.

 Maybe it's your insatiable curiosity that makes you walk a little closer to the damaged vehicle? It does tend to get you into a lot of trouble. You'd probably never know for sure. But you won't forget your first look inside.

 The upholstery is slashed open, bits of yellow foam and tufts of heavy cotton are strewn about. But what catches your attention is the motionless heap in the back seat that you know, just by the sinking feeling in your gut, is a person who needs help.

 You won't remember how you closed the distance between you and the car so quickly. Or your train of thought when you try to open the door only to discover it locked. You wrap your over shirt over your arm and put your elbow through the window without hesitation. You'll question your strength later.

 By now Gregory, Matilda's husband (the one who makes incredible venison stew), stops pumping gas to see what all the commotion is about. You are already digging through the seat stuffing and blankets by the time he arrives behind you.

 You faintly hear him speaking to someone on the phone, reporting in a panicked yet succinct tone to emergency officials, when you finally find bloody, pale skin. Luckily, it's attached to a person who is unfortunately torn to shreds.

 “Hey!” You don't dare move him. Isn't that one of the basic rules in case of a back or neck injury? When the final blanket is pulled back you see the sharp jaw and hint of rose gold stubble. “Sir, can you hear me?” Your only response is a growled groan muffled by the seat where he has his face buried. But, at least it's something, right?

 You take a quick survey of the inside of the car, noting used bandage papers and an empty bottle of cheap whiskey. When you climb into the car and sit down, your foot kicks an old bottle of pills. Was the man suicidal? All of this blood loss, whisky and upon looking at the label you discover that it is Darvocet. That stuff had been pulled off the market for years now!

 “Hey, you with me?” He eases himself painfully slow into a sitting position, causing him to cry out hoarsely in pain. His voice already shredded like he had already done some screaming. He's panting in loud, painfully abrupt breaths through his open mouth. Everything about his boyish face is pinched with pain. Your heart squeezes with sympathy and absolute helplessness. You should've gone to med school like your dad wanted you to. Then you'd know exactly what to do.

 You note then that his front side doesn't look any better than his blood soaked back does. It also revealed how his left leg is mangled and twisted in unnatural directions. Some of the blood is dried, making his skin stick to the seat. There’s no telling how long he'd been in this car bleeding and in pain.

 “T’ll S- S’mmy, ‘m s-s’rry.” When you finally lock onto his ghost pale face, the expression there kicks you right in the stomach with a steel toed boot. His split bottom lip and chin are quivering with repressed emotion. His voice comes out shaky and raspy because he's vibrating with shivers that you know probably mean that he's in shock. He's probably been in shock for a while.

 I don't know where you're going and I don't know why, but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

 This guy, because man seemed like a bit much since he couldn't be much older than you, may very well have been trying to end it all if the pain openly displayed on his face is anything to go by. Through the black, crusted blood you can tell with startling clarity the difference between the physical and emotional pain on his expressive face.

 You fight the urge to push his hair out of his eyes, which is obviously overgrown from a short haircut. It appears that way, anyway, judging by the shaggy and uneven ends. He looks like even his hair follicles hurt, caked in crusted and congealing blood, so you refrain.

 “You're gonna tell him yourself.” You answer firmly as you wrap the scratchy, stiff blanket back over his shoulders when he shivers again violently.

 Even that small movement prompts deeply hurt, wounded noises that get caught in the back of his throat, but you can tell that he's trying to hide just how much pain he’s in.

 It makes you briefly wonder how someone who should be going to college or discovering themselves learned to be that damned stoic. “Hang in there, helps on the way. Is there anyone I can call for you?” You plead, wishing that the ambulance would hurry so that there was a way to eventually rectify the abject misery on his face. He's looking at you through his pain filled gaze as he softy answers ‘no’ and it rips your heart out. You feel inept and helpless.

 Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile. The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea. They're swept away and nothing is what it seems, the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

 “An’ m’dad, too. T-t’ll m’s-srry I c’dn’t f-finish th’ j’b.” Liquid that has been building up in his eyes soon gives way to fat tears that tracks strange patterns through the new and old blood when he can't hold them back anymore. As he confesses what he thinks are his last words through busted, numb lips, it makes an icy shiver skip down your spine. “…’ts m’ f-fault… p-people ‘r g’nna die ‘causa m-me…” Tears progress into hiccupping sobs that make him squeeze his eyes shut against what you feel he thinks of as weakness and pain.

 You look briefly for a wallet or phone, finding the latter on the floorboard. You get two seconds to feel victorious before you discover that there is a giant tooth mark in the middle, cracking the small screen into unusable pieces. “Shit.” Just what the hell had he gotten into that would cause so much damage? “What's your name?” You look for somewhere uninjured to rest a reassuring hand but can't find anywhere promising.

 “Dean W’nchester.” You'll realize later how profound it is that he gave you his real name. That it was because all of his layers and walls were stripped down to nothing.

 You know his bottomless green-hazel eyes will haunt you for the rest of your life if he doesn't make it. There was no other ending that you can bear to imagine for him. You know it sounds so naïve, but someone with this much soul can't just die such a horrific death all alone. You feel a small amount of relief when you can finally hear the sirens of the ambulance in the distance.

 “They'll be here any second.” As you say the words you're not sure who you're trying to console more.

 There's an hour drive to the nearest hospital in Gold Beach in his future. It's a small hospital that is the size of maybe two Costco warehouses shoved together. But surely, amongst their few floors of equipment and educated staff, they can fix the broken pieces?

 In the two seconds of silence you decide that you can be positive enough for the both of you.

 “Dean Winchester?” You rest your hand lightly over the one he isn't using to prop himself up. It startles you when his cold sweat covered hand grasps yours back painfully tight. The way he clings to you like you're a lifeline make tears pool in your eyes. “You're gonna make it. I promise.”

 Dean’s POV:

I wake up suddenly, claws and massive, drooling jowls snap viciously at me from behind deep, shifting shadows. It feels like the beast is sitting on my chest, making it cave in. It's putrid, hot breath on my face. My ribs barely put up a fight before they snap like twigs beneath its weight, white hot, stabbing pains through my belly.

 I try to struggle free but my arms and legs won't obey my commands for them to move. To fight back. So, all I can do is wait for him to consume me for dinner. All I hear are growls and distant shouting that are drowning out a strange, tinny beeping noise in the background. It reminds me of the sound of its claws digging into Baby’s quarter panel as it tried to peel her open and drag me back out into the dark of the mountain. Of the liquid heat of pain as it's claws raked through my skin like I was soft butter.

 But then I hear, “Dean.” It kind of sounds like Sammy before his voice changed, soft and kind, if a little static and warped. But that can't be right. I hope that it means that the past few years were a nightmare, but it's only a slight hope. Good things rarely happen to a Winchester.

 It's probably some newly created fresh hell conjured to torture and destroy me in my last seconds on earth. The thing I was hunting was a were wolf, I was sure of it. He looked normal, all wolfed out with gray, wiry hair. But when it found me… It was like his senses and strength were beyond what a normal were was capable of.

 But it's too tempting not to answer, even if it's not real, as the tinny noise gets louder and more frantic. I'd give anything to be able to talk to Sam and tell him how sorry I am. I'd kill to tell him that I would stand up to Dad more so that we don't have to move around so much. So he can go to college close by. Anything. I can be better so he wants to come back.

 The crushing weight of remembering that I'm alone nearly drowns out the relief of hearing Sam's voice. But I'm just that delirious to believe.

 “S’mmy?”

 I gag, choking on something that tastes a lot like old blood and cotton balls stuck in my throat. I finally get my arm to move so that I can remove whatever is clinging to my face. So that I can catch my breath but something heavy slams into my forehead.

 “Dean. Hey, Dean! Please stop, you're gonna hurt yourself.”

 And just like that all the fight drains out of me, envisioning a young Sammy with his stupid floppy hair and worry bright little kid eyes that are way too smart for his own good. “K, S’mmy. M’ s’rry.”

 “You're okay. Everything's gonna be okay.” I feel the softest pressure against my temple and fingers brushing through my hair before I tunnel into nothingness.

 When I wake up the second time the beeping doesn't sound so tinny. With the way my body and head aches, it actually sounds like its right in my ear. Fuck. I hope Sam got the license plate number off the damn truck that mowed me over. We were gonna sue the hell outta that bastard.

 But what if he ran over Sam or Dad?

 At that thought, my eyes shoot open and I'm moving before I even know what's weighing me down. I manage to drag my legs over the side of the bed just as a nurse comes running in.

 “Mr. Winchester, please! Stop-“

 However, I've already got the momentum going apparently and drop like a bag of damn rocks to the hard linoleum floor just as I realize my leg is encased in a large, heavy cast and incapable of holding my weight. Ugh. I didn't even want to know what kind of germs I was sitting in!

 Belatedly, like a flame starting as a tiny spark only to turn into licking blaze-like pain engulfed me for an undeterminable amount of time. Like it had fought through the pain killers just for the joy of kicking my ass. I made sure not to panic. I had been in this headspace before, and nothing could be gained by losing my shit.

 The first thing I vaguely noticed as the pained haze started to morph into a deep chasm of an entire body ache was a strange warmth crawling down my arm and thigh. Upon further investigation I discovered that I had managed to pull out both my iv catheter and my pee bag. Just fucking lovely.

 The nurse with the pretty milk chocolate skin and curves enough to make a grown man weep had a look of deep sympathy on her doe features. “Well, welcome back to the world Mr. Winchester. Let's get you cleaned up, huh?”

 I was beyond grateful that she didn't coo or fawn over me, saving what was left of my pride. However, there wasn't going to be much left for long.

 What’s more embarrassing than getting a sponge bath from a beautiful woman in a totally not sexy way? It's having those same color rich eyes look at you with pity when you tell her for the millionth time that you don't have anyone to call while reinserting a catheter. Into your dick.

 If I was hunting with Dad or Sam it would be up to me to sneak outta here and meet up at the first motel in the phone book. But that was why I was laid up in bed, wasn't it? Because Dad trusted me with a job and I'd gotten myself taken outta the game in the recon phase. Pathetic. It kinda makes a person unmotivated to move at all.

 Honestly, I can't even remember how I got my dumb ass back to the Impala. 23 years of following my Dad around and apparently I had learned nothing from him. Even my memory was shot to hell, fuzzy and useless.

 I drifted in and out as Octavia, who turned out not to be a nurse, but a third year intern, filled me in on my injuries. I lost count of how many stitches they'd done and how aggressively they'd had to treat my wounds with heavy iv antibiotics. She wasn't telling me anything I hadn't been through before, but I nodded along like I was concerned just the same.

 Which, to be honest, wasn't all that hard because the memory of how these injuries were given to me appeared in flashes of red and black.

 It wasn't too damning until she told me about my leg being broken. Which, hello! Cast! They'd been able to put a regular bone pin in my tibia, and she assured me that I'd be transitioning into a weight bearing boot in a couple of weeks.

 Then, there was my right arm. Ha! They had to reset my shoulder (but honestly the damn thing had been out of joint at least three times already. No big deal.) there was a single break in my fore arm, which alright, no big. But it was just my luck that my trigger finger and thumb had been heavily bruised and had tiny hairline fractures on both of them.

 Fuck.

 Where was I gonna go? What was I gonna do when they inevitably kicked my homeless ass out of here? I didn't have enough money for pain meds, much less heavy duty antibiotics! And I'd be damned before I called my Dad to tell him how epically I failed at the hunt. At being a human being in general.

 How was I gonna finish the hunt?

 And my trigger finger was fucked!

 Distantly I registered that stupid heart monitor beeping shrilly. God damnit, how could I have gotten myself into this mess?

 “Calm down, Mr. Winchester.” Octavia sounded infinitely patient but firm as she adjusted the drip rate on my iv bag. I instantly start to feel calmer and I couldn't drum up enough energy to be indignant, sure that I was being given a sedative. If anything, I'd embrace the big black nothing just to not have to feel.

 After a few moments I felt my heart rate slow, a cloud of comfort falling over me and making my problems a distant memory even though I knew they were right on the surface.

 “Well, sugar, you do have a visitor. Now that you're back to your handsome self, do you want me to bring her back?” Her tone of voice was warm as she regarded me with her hands on her hips. I so wanted to say something flirty, maybe flash her a grin like I'd done to win over many a witness. I just didn't have the energy.

 Sam had called it disgusting. I'd said flirting was my super power. Then Sam had said that ‘being a manwhore is not a super power.’

 Aside from that, I couldn't figure out what she meant by visitor. Was it possible that Dad or… or maybe even Sam? But he'd have to be damn psychic.

 She must've read the confusion all over my face. I could hear my father’s voice right in my ear, ‘Need to work on that poker face, son. You're gettin’ sloppy.’ Yeah, if he only knew.

 “I would make time in this busy schedule of yours. Another couple of hours in that car and you wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for Y/N.” She was somehow stern while maintaining a kind face that I was afraid to cross. At my nod of agreement, she smiled wide. “Good boy.”

 I vaguely remembered a girl climbing in Baby and helping me to sit up. Which had caused a whole hell of a lotta unnecessary pain if you asked me. But she had spoken in a soft voice and held my bloody hand. Maybe she'd even promised that I would live after I'd sat there and blubbered like an infant.

 Still, no matter how relaxed I was, I wasn't prepared for the amount of beautiful that breezed through that doorway behind Octavia. In fact, I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging open when Octavia spoke to me again in an amused tone.

 “You just use that call button if you need anything, okay?” And then she was backing out with a smile and leaving me alone with… God, it was juvenile to think, but how could she be so striking? I was all for appreciating natural beauty, but her features stood out as exotic. Like she belonged in the wild with her long, wavy hair flowing behind her.

 “Hey, Dean Winchester. You look a little better than you did a few days ago.” Her smile was warm and a little flirty as her lips formed the words and I struggled to comprehend them for a moment.

 “A few days?” I managed to get out through my scratchy throat.

 The smile fell as she bit her bottom lip when she nodded to confirm my fear. “It's actually been a couple of weeks. They were worried you wouldn't wake up again. That maybe you'd lost too much oxygen to your brain and caused some damage.”

 Ha, now Dad could officially call me brain damaged! If he ever managed to find out about this little accident. Which he wouldn't if I had any say in the matter. It's not like he checked in very often nowadays. He was still brooding over Sam leaving and being stuck with the stupid son.

 In fact, I wouldn’t put it past him to have sent me out on my own in hopes that I would get eaten. “Sorry to disappoint, Dad.” I muttered and felt the sardonic smile curl a side of my lip upward before I realized she was still here. “Sorry.” There was nothing left for me to do but close my eyes and feel my face flush in helpless embarrassment. Because that's just what I was. Helpless and in a medicated fog. I didn't even have the energy to pretend, not enough brain power to say ‘sorry, sweetheart’ with some kind of move to make her forget she ever saw me like this.

 “Well, anyway.” I heard her steps move closer and opened my eyes to watch her swap out some dying flowers for a fresh bundle of purple like she'd been doing this all week. Maybe she had? The renewed scent of lavender filling the room and blocking out some of the hospital antiseptic was familiar. “I'm glad you're awake and getting better.”

 She then sat down on the chair that was already perched close to the side of the bed with even more familiarity than the flowers. My mind immediately jumped to the Sammy-like voice that I'd heard before. “You were in here the first time I woke up.” I didn't mean for it to sound as accusatory as it did, but I was horrified that this girl kept seeing me in a vulnerable position over and over.

 “Yes.” She didn't sound the least bit remorseful, maybe she was even a little defiant. “You were dreaming about being attacked. I felt so bad when they came in to sedate you, but you were gonna tear out your stitches.” She actually did look like she'd been worried and I couldn't figure out why she would be sitting at some strangers bedside wasting energy on worrying over them.

 “How are you allowed in here anyway? Isn't it family only or some crap like that?” I was clearly lashing out and defensive because I was uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean I could stop it.

 “Well, sorry to break it to you, but this place is smaller than Mayberry and I happen to have some connections.” She obviously meant that to be funny, but as the tone of my face didn't change, she straightened up in her seat. “I can go, if you want.” Why did she have to look so earnest and sweet, flashing puppy dog eyes so much like my little brothers? Only, they were the wrong shade of brown. “I actually used to volunteer here for a few summers. So, I kind of know everyone.” Her eyes brightened a little, “but that means I know where they stash the extra jello.”

 “Well, I guess you can stay then, sweetheart.” The meds were messing with me, but I did manage to flash her a grin. If I were a stronger person I would've turned her away, but just a little human contact couldn't hurt, right? My father already thought I was a failure, might as well go for broke.

 So, she stayed. Since I wasn't much for conversation, she mostly told me everything about herself. About college, what she was studying and summer break. (And didn't that hurt, thinking of Sam preferring to hang out with kids his own age instead of contacting me) About house sitting for her grandparents and what a ‘lovely’ little town Agness was.

 Despite being on the knifes edge of explicit pain, I found her voice calming. I dozed off a few times, much to my embarrassment, but she didn't seem to mind. She only picked up where she left off.

 When my first meal since I couldn't even remember arrived in the form of cream of wheat and beef broth, she got up to leave. She patted the top of my head softly, a move I would've found irritating if it hadn't felt so good. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

 I even let her get close enough to kiss my cheek before she left and it was a pattern she continued to follow. I let her smooth down my hopeless hospital hair because it felt so damn good to be touched. I didn’t trust that I would see her again. But, I did.

 Every few days she would replace the flowers without question and smuggle in extra Jello in her bag. I got used to her coming and was horrified that I looked forward to listening to her banter on without asking me 20 (painful) questions about my life.

 The one day she didn't show up was actually a little devastating. The only thing that rectified the whole ordeal was that she'd texted Octavia to tell me she wouldn't be in. Octavia was the one to sneak in an extra pudding that night. I appreciated it, even though she brought the sugar free kind.

 On top of being denied what I'd started to affectionately call my ‘candy striper time’, I was bombarded by financial services. They were looking for identification and insurance. Which I had neither.

 The white haired, plump representative lady had left very disappointed. And I started to feel even more antsy. They were weaning me off of the iv pain killers onto pills with less strength. I could still feel the hum of muted pain through my body, but I couldn't bring myself to say a word.

 The lady returned with another clip board later that day and I felt my face flush red as my blood pressure sky rocketed. She must've seen how irritated (anxious) I was because she explained immediately.

 “Well, I had no idea you were a cousin of Y/N’s!” She paused for a moment, watching me expectantly for a reaction. When I gave her none, which what was I supposed to say? Yeah, being cousins is great! Did I even have real cousins?

 She handed over the clipboard and pen and pointed out what I needed to fill out and where I needed to sign. Ha, like my signature actually meant anything! When I was finished with that, she flipped the page over and instructed me to fill out the form beneath it.

 “The Y/L/N’s are very influential around here in the West Oregon and Washington areas. You're very lucky to be a part of that family, young man. All of your medical services will be covered. So, you make sure you keep those recheck appointments.”

 I gave her an attempt at a smile, but I'm sure it fell flat. The best thing about it was that she didn't stick around for long.

 After she left, I passed the rest of my time going between wondering how Sammy was doin and why Y/N had really picked me as a charity case. Which, come on, it wasn't like she picked me for my swollen face and sexual prowess. There had to be a catch.

 It was somewhere around day 21 when Y/N came wheeling in with a wheel chair and an expectant look on her face. The days had been slipping by in a blur of all manner of people poking and prodding. If it weren’t for the open blinds on the window, I wouldn’t have a clue.

 “I'm springing ya, Winchester.”

 I'd spent the entire day in fear of those words. Where was I supposed to go? The impala wasn't moving without a lot of tender loving care and she was parked right in the middle of town. I couldn't just stay there and wait it out until I could move again.

 “Already?” I managed, my voice was still scratched all to hell. It made me sound like I was going through freaking puberty again. Oh well, just add that to the list of shit happens. “I haven’t even called my ride yet.”

 She smiled brightly, like seriously, how were her teeth so white? “I’m your ride.”

 And how could I argue with that? ‘No, that’s okay, my Dad’ll show up. I promise?’ Or maybe, ‘Hey, my brother isn’t too far south from here. He could totally be here in a day…’

 So, against my better judgement and all of my instincts telling me that this was ridiculous… I let her lead the way for better or for worse.

Tagging: @mamaredd123, @perpetualabsurdity, @maileann, @daydreamingintheimpala, @gecko9596, @gemini75eeyore, @jotink78, @dancingalone21, @winchesterprincessbride, @sandlee44, @exploratiionist, @arryn-nyxx , @littledarlinhavefaithinme, @tiffanycaruso, @boredoutofmymindstuff, @feelmyroarrrr, @raeganr99, @ruprecht0420, @anokhi07, @letsgetyourdeanon, @sis-tafics, @jensen-gal, @theoneandonlysaucymo, @27bmm, @callmesatansprincess, @hbenth, @atc74, @ryansgirl5509, @mysteriouslyme82, @notnaturalanahi, @keepcalmandcarryondean, @sea040561, @just-another-busy-fangirl, @spn67-sister, @tas898, @wheresthekillswitch, @glendagiggles, @mandymoiselle1970

If you would like to be on this list (or off), let me know! Also, I’d love if you took the time to let me know what you think so far. This story will have at least one more part, possibly two.

[melissahappyplace]

HAPPY PLACE:  A Teen Space

I got my girl!  These were the first words out of my mouth when the doctor delivered my daughter, Kate.  I had been told I was having a girl months earlier, but I didn't truly believe it until the doctor announced it in the delivery room.  Katelyn Benefiel!  The daughter I had dreamed of for as far back as I can remember.  

I won't lie and say my early days as a mom were the things dreams are made of because they were messy.  I did not adjust to motherhood like they showed on the old TLC show 'A Baby Story.'  For months prior to Kate's birth, I watched this show and bought their portrayal of motherhood hook line and sinker.  Mom is pregnant; mom gives birth with minimal mess; mom and baby walk off into the sunset; mom knows exactly what to do and enjoys every minute of it.  Nope!  That's not what happened for me and I was understandably upset with this show and myself for believing it so wholeheartedly.

Post-partum depression hit me soon after delivering my daughter.  Fortunately, it didn't last but the feeling that I did not know what I was doing did remain.  I felt like there was this yet unknown mistake I could make that would lead to Kate's death.  Literally, I was constantly worried about her mortality and I wondered if she would be better off with a different mom who was enjoying every minute of it.  It didn't help that she was on a heart and breathing monitor after failing the sleeping test at the hospital.  But, I think I would have felt the way I did with or without that constant reminder of the risk of loving someone so much.  

I have always been a slow beginner.  My Earth Space science teacher in high school told my parents, "Melissa is what I call a slow starter, but now she's doing great!"  Give me a minute and I can kick ass and take names at almost anything, but early on ... I'm pensive, hesitant and proceed cautiously.  It was this way with motherhood in the beginning too.

I lacked the wisdom and foresight to realize those early years as a mom are difficult for everyone, but also precious and over in the blink of an eye.  I look back on the young mom I was and wish she could have relaxed and enjoyed that precious moment in time especially since Katelyn turned out to be my only child.   With four short years at home left, I am preparing myself for the long goodbye.  I allow myself to have sympathy for the woman I was when I had a newborn, but I still wish she'd known better and trusted herself more.  I wish she had known how good being a mom would get as that baby became a fun little girl.

I have thrived as a mom since Kate was old enough to have a real conversation.  At around 4, I hit my groove as a mom and have enjoyed the ride since.  Katelyn is my dream child.  She is my favorite topic of conversation.  I always thought that your husband is supposed to be the love of your life and my love for my husband is indeed beyond what I knew existed before him, but your child...my daughter... she's the love of my life!  Every love before her was selfish and self-serving.  I only thought I loved well before her.  

That's not to say my daughter is perfect.  I get my fair share of eye rolls.... the look that says, 'mom, you are sooo not cool.'  And her early middle school years broke my heart again and again.  It was the first time I couldn't fix her hurts.  It was the first time I saw her experience real, deep down sadness and feared what would be for her.  While she is doing beyond well now, I know there will be many long nights in my future knowing that moms can't fix everything.  In fact, it’s better if we let our kids fix them or let them learn to accept the hard times as part of what helps them become who they are made to be.

Kate is bold.  She is what my husband has always called me, 'a fighter of injustice.'  She gets as angry as I do knowing something is happening that should NOT.  Kate is beautiful.  When she was little, she looked just like me.  Everyone called her my 'mini-me.'  Now she looks more like my husband and is becoming more of a blend of the two of us.  Kate is an old soul.  I have conversations with her that make me forget she's 14, not 21 or 41.  Yet... she's still a kid.  I know this when she tries to get by with fibbing about chores and won't look me in the eye.  I know it when I wake her up in the morning and she wants me to get in bed with her and cuddle.  There's still a little girl inside that growing teenager.

What's it like to be a teenager in 2019?  There are definitive ways its more difficult.  They didn't do shooting drills when I was in school and our teenagers have been doing them since elementary school.  Our politics are much like the tumultuous 1960s and they are bombarded with information and images on their phones.  Social media extends the social politics after hours.  But, some things never change about being a teen like the need to have a space to call your own, close the door, dance it out or to just ... be ... still.

In some ways, our teenagers need a Happy Place more than we do.  They face a lot of stress and anxiety in both their academic work and the social mind field that is middle and high school.  Mean girls have cell phones now!  We all went through those challenging years and there was nothing better than coming home and closing the door to the outside world at least for a little while.

Kate is Boho to my Classic design sense.  She's warm yellows and soft pinks to my love of green, blue or even better...teal!  Her room is a reflection of her free spirit and everything she loves, including Timothee Chalamet, Kurt Cobain, and To Kill A Mockingbird.  One of her most prized possessions is a picture of the actress who played Scout, Mary Badham, laying on the lap of Gregory Peck who played the epic role of Atticus Finch.  She still tells me all the time that if she has a son, there is no doubt she will name him Atticus.  A poster above her bureau came out of an album my sister gave her; it’s a black and white of John Lennon at a white piano.  Like I said, she’s an old soul.  

Kate has a TV in her room, but it’s rarely on except during the holidays when she has Christmas movies on 24/7.  She has an X-box too, but most of the time she is all cozied up reading in her little window cubby.  She started reading at 4, but there was a period of time in late elementary school when she stopped reading much for pleasure.  A couple of years ago, she started reading all the time and I'm so grateful she knows and loves the escape and pleasure of reading.

Kate’s love of California, anything retro, and family are abundant in her Happy Place.  Her California postcards from our vacation last year to the bay area are on a corkboard with a printed out image of ‘Hyde’ from That 70s Show, along with a picture of my mom on her wedding day and a handwritten note she got from my father. Why shouldn’t Kurt Cobain, Gregory Peck, and her grandpa be together?  She combines these people as they are in her heart … all together making her happy.  

Kate loves earthy things like lavender, dried flowers, succulents, colorful crystals, rocks and a yellow butterfly in a little glass bottle.  Much like her mom, she loves a badass that’s not afraid to stand out so Stevie Nicks appearing on the cover of the Rumours album is displayed on a shelf.  An antique camera and her new polaroid are laid out with pride as well.  You can see the old soul Kate is throughout.  I can almost picture her first apartment!

In a rather large room, Kate actually spends most of her time in the little window cubby listening to music and reading.  It’s the kind of space I would love to have had when I was her age.  Her window looks out above the neighborhood, her world still small, while she dreams of a bigger life somewhere else. And at the same time, a ceramic moon is hung above her window that once hung above her crib.  That’s the thing with being a teenager.  You long to grow up, but you’re constantly reminded of the child you still are.  

The days of knowing Katelyn is upstairs in her room are growing shorter each day. The Saturdays of running over to Target and spending $75 on nothing we need won’t last forever.  The drives in the car when she opens up in ways she never does any other time are numbered.  The moments I spend looking at Kate and wondering how she got so incredibly beautiful and uniquely poised…will go on as long as I am breathing.  

I can’t wait to watch this young woman go out into the world and do so many of the things I was afraid to do and more.  I long to see Kate live bigger than her dad and I dreamed possible.  But, for now, I’ll enjoy knowing she’s upstairs in her room, reading a book, talking to her boyfriend, or looking out the window dreaming about her future . . . beneath the ceramic moon I picked out when she was a twinkle in my eye.

[fantastictragedycoffee-blog]

NOUNS

NOUN A noun is a part of speech that denotes a person, animal, place, or a thing. Person – A term for a person, whether proper name, gender, title, or class, is a noun. Animal – A term for an animal, whether proper name, species, gender, or class is a noun. Place – A term for a place, whether proper name, physical location, or general locale is a noun. Thing – A term for a thing, whether it exists now, will exist, or existed in the past is a noun. PROPER NOUNS These names are specific people, places, animals and things. Harry Potter, South Korea, Horse, Vase Proper Nouns usually begin with a capital letter as they refer to something specific. • I am currently reading the book “Looking for Alaska”. • She wanted to go to the country of Korea. • I’m flying first-class on Emirate Airlines. COMMON NOUNS Common nouns are everywhere, and you use them all the time, even if you don’t realize it. Wherever you go, you’ll find at least one common noun. Street, closet, bathroom, school, mall, gas station; all of these places are named using common nouns. Common nouns are words used to name general items rather than specific ones. Examples: movie, hospital, instrument Every Proper Noun has a Common Noun equivalent. I.e.: Man- Victor, John John, Jay jay, etc Bird- Maya, Eagle, Hawk, Owl, etc Color- Black, Green. Yellow, Blue, etc Common Noun: I really want a new pair of jeans.Proper Noun: I really want to buy a new pair of Levis. Common Noun: I wish I could remember the name of that painter.Proper Noun: I really love the art by Van Gogh. Common Noun: They’re all waiting for us at the restaurant.Proper Noun: Everyone else is at Bill’s Burgers. THE COUNT NOUNS AND NONCOUNT NOUNS A count noun is one that can be expressed in plural form, usually with an "s." For example, "cat—cats," "season—seasons," "student—students.“ - refer to things that can be divided up into smaller units which are separate and distinct from one another. They usually refer to what can individually be seen or heard A noncount noun is one that usually cannot be expressed in a plural form. For example, "milk," "water," "air," "money," "food." Usually, you can't say, "He had many moneys.“ - refer to things that cannot be counted because they are regarded as wholes which cannot be divided into parts. They often refer to abstractions and occasionally have a collective meaning. Count and Noncount Nouns with Adjectives Most of the time, this doesn't matter with adjectives. For example, you can say, "The cat was gray" or "The air was gray." However, the difference between a countable and uncountable noun does matter with certain adjectives, such as "some/any," "much/many," and "little/few." Some/Any: Some and any countable and uncountable nouns. "There is some water on the floor." "There are some students here." "Do you have any food?" "Do you have any apples?" Much/Many: Much modifies only uncountable nouns. Many modifies only countable nouns. "We don't have much time to get this done." "Many Americans travel to Europe." Little/Few: Little modifies only uncountable nouns. "He had little food in the house." "The doctor had little time to think in the emergency room." Few modifies only countable nouns. "There are few doctors in town." "Few students like exams." A lot of/lots of: A lot of/lots of are informal substitutes for much and many. They are used with uncountable nouns when they mean much and with countable nouns when they mean many. "They have lots of (much) money in the bank." "A lot of (many) Americans travel to Europe." "We got lots of (many) mosquitoes last summer." "We got lots of (much) rain last summer." A little bit of:A little bit of is informal and always precedes an uncountable noun. "There is a little bit of pepper in the soup." "There is a little bit of snow on the ground." Enough: Enough modifies both countable and uncountable nouns. "There is enough money to buy a car." "I have enough books to read." Plenty of: Plenty of modifies both countable and uncountable nouns. "They have plenty of money in the bank." "There are plenty of millionaires in Switzerland." No: No modifies both countable and uncountable nouns. "There is no time to finish now." "There are no squirrels in the park." ABSTRACT AND CONCRETE NOUNS ■ Abstract nouns refer to intangible things, like actions,feelings, ideals, concepts and qualities. ■ An aspect, concept, idea, experience, state of being, trait, quality, feeling, or other entity that cannot be experienced with the five senses. For examples, some words might function as verbs in some cases. Love and taste are two examples: ■ I love my husband. ■ Send them my love. ■ Sarah could taste cilantro in the salsa. ■ Sarah has great taste in clothes. It can be: • Countable or non-countable (mass). • They can also be in singular or possessive form. • Abstract nouns follow the same grammar rules as other nouns. Common Abstract Nouns: Emotions/Feelings: ■ Love ■ Hate ■ Anger ■ Peace ■ Pride ■ Sympathy States/Attributes: ■ Bravery ■ Loyalty ■ Honesty ■ Integrity ■ Compassion Ideas/Concepts/Ideals • Belief • Dream • Justice • Truth Movements/Events • Progress • Education • Hospitality • Leisure • Trouble Nouns with the following suffixes are often abstract: ■ -tion ■ -ism ■ -ity ■ -ment ■ -ness ■ -age ■ -ance ■ -ence ■ -ship Concrete noun ■ You experience concrete nouns through your five senses: sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch. Concrete nouns can be: ■ Common nouns ■ Proper nouns ■ Countable and uncountable nouns Concrete nouns can appear in singular or plural forms. Examples are: Flower, bear, music, Niagara Falls, pie, tornado, milk, team, Declaration of Independence, lotion, stars, Europeans, water, colony, and car Using Abstract vs. Concrete Nouns in Writing: Sentences with fewer abstract and more concrete nouns are typically more concise and clear. COLLECTIVE NOUN - are names for a collection or refers to groups of people,animals or things. Example: Audience, Choir, Band, Flock, Herd, School of Fish etc... These Nouns can be Singular and Plural depending on the context of the sentence. They are usually Singular because they focus on the individual elements acting together as one unit. Ex. The Team is winning! The Herd is following the shepherd. They can also be Plural. When the sentence is highlighting the individuals among the group, the noun is plural. In these case, use a plural verb to match the plural subject. Ex. The Team are cooperating well tonight. The Herd are running in all different directions. COMPOUND NOUN -contains two or more words which join together to make a single noun. Ex. Haircut, Over-ripe, Swimming Pool, Blackboard Compound nouns are expressed in three ways. Closed Form: Two words that have melded together to make one word like: Keyboard & Softball Hyphenated Form: Two words joined by a hyphen like: son-in-law & mother-in-law Open Form:An open compound word is created in cases when the modifying adjective is used with its noun to create a new noun like: living room & Real Estate Compounding Elements Compound elements Examples noun + noun bedroom water tank motorcycle printer cartridge noun + verb rainfall haircut train-spotting noun + adverb hanger-on passer-by verb + noun washing machine driving licence swimming pool verb + adverb lookout take-off drawback adverb + noun onlooker bystander adjective + verb dry-cleaning public speaking adjective + noun greenhouse software redhead adverb + verb output overthrow upturn input MATERIAL NOUN - It comes from nature. - Material noun can be defined as “Material Noun is names of materials or substances out of which things are made. Ex: gold, iron, silver etc.” Material noun is the name given to the material, substance or things made up of alloy. It refers to the type of substance instead of individual particles of the substance. Material nouns are not countable means we cannot count them because they are in the forms of liquid, semi-liquid or solid. This noun is especially called as material noun because nouns in this class are almost materials like cloth, air, metal, gold, salt, iron, silver, steel, brass, bronze, copper, aluminium, lead, coal, coral, gem, diamond, glass, fibre, calcium, plastic, rubber, paper, cement, paint, plywood, synthetics, shampoo, soap, perfume, wine, tar, chemical, rexene etc. Sometimes we cannot make the plural forms of material noun. Some of the material nouns are used as the count nouns, for example; 'wine' as one may talk about different wines, type of wine instead of the substance of wine. So, here we can say that wine is not a material noun as type of wine is countable. We can say that material nouns are common nouns as they denote substances instead of denoting people or places. For examples: • Cotton dresses are very cheap and comfortable. • My mom purchased a gold ring for me. • I drink milk in the silver • My father has a shop for diamonds. • Calcium is a good mineral for health. • Plastic is made up of many molecules of ethylene. • There are many utensils in my kitchen made up of iron. • Taj Mahal is built using marbles. • I drink milk daily in the night. • Most of the industries use fibre. • In the ancient time, most of the kitchen utensils were made up of brass. Categorized Examples of Material Nouns Material nouns are names given to the raw elements or objects exist in the nature and cannot be created by human being, however many new things can be created by man using raw materials. The main source of raw materials are nature, animals and plants. We have provided below the list of common nouns under various categories such as: Material nouns from nature: water, air, silver, gold, iron, copper, sand, coal, rock, sunlight, rain, earth, salt, etc. Material nouns from animals: egg, meat, honey, milk, silk, leather, wool, etc. Material nouns from plants: cotton, food, oil, wood, jute, coffee, medicine, tea, rubber, perfume, etc. Man made material nouns: acid, alcohol, asphalt, brick, cement, butter, chalk, ghee, cheese, dacron, ebony, enamel, felt, gelatin, paraffin, cloth, etc. Rules to be followed while using material nouns in the Sentence: Following are the rules you need to remember in order to make use of material nouns in the sentence. 1) Generally, articles (a, an or the) are not used with material nouns when they are uncountable such as: • Honey is wholesome food and beneficial to health. • Water boils only at 100°C temperature. 2) Articles (a and an) may be used with material nouns when they are countable (denoting types of material or showing helping nature) such as: • I would like to eat a Dutch cheese. • It is a very healthy wine. 3) Use of 'the' and 'some' can also be done in the following way: • The honey in the bottle is mine. Don’t give it others! • I saw there is some milk in the glass. Use of Material Nouns in the Sentence Material nouns are written in the capital letter when they occur in the start of sentence otherwise written in small letter when occur anywhere in the sentence. Following are the examples of material noun: • I eat egg • I wear cotton • We get silk from silk worm. • We should drink clean water. • My mom wears diamond Material Noun Exercises for you We have provided below some material noun exercises in order to help you to improve your knowledge about material noun. You need to get detail information about material noun from above and check your skill by doing following exercises. 1. Water is very necessary for life on the earth. 2. Oxygen is available only in fresh air. 3. Silver is used to make jewelry. 4. My sister has given me a chain of gold. 5. There is a pan of iron in my kitchen. 6. Copper is a metal used for various purposes. 7. Coal is found in coal mine. 8. We get sunlight from sun. 9. Rain is one of the sources of water. 10. Earth is the only known planet having life. 11. We should less salt in our diet. 12. My mom gives me two eggs daily. 13. We should not eat red meat. 14. Children should eat honey daily. 15. I drink cow milk only. 16. I have a dress made up of silk. 17. My father wears leather jacket. 18. We wear clothes made up of wool in the winter. 19. We should eat healthy food. 20. I use coconut oil for my hair. 21. We live in house made up of wood. 22. My mom drink hot coffee in the early morning. 23. We should not late in getting medicine whenever we get ill. 24. We are not used of tea daily. 25. I never see the plant of rubber. 26. I have used a nice perfume. 27. I like cheese pizza very much. 28. Houses are manufactured using brick and cement. 29. I do not like to eat butter. 30. I get new clothes on each festival.