#Because it really pains me and I find so sad how the criticism over him simplifies his character a lot. But it's actually a recurring thing

[fragmentedblade]

Stupid criticism about Jing.liu's quest again over on twitter

[httpiastri]

PERFECTLY FINE – CHAPTER FOUR (MONACO)

genre: fluff, angst, etc.

warnings: heartbreak as usual

word count: 5.3k (like, exactly 5.3k. on the word. 😭)

author's note: it feels so wrong to say that im posting this to celebrate ollie's graduation to f1 because... this is such a sad chapter.... pain pain pain for everyone involved (especially ollie) 💔 but yay happy ollie f1 announcement day!!! hope you're all doing well & hope you enjoy <3 (also i wrote a lot of this chapter back in february? and proofreading it today nearly brought me to tears bcs of ollie-)

series masterlist

the career of a racing driver is a roller coaster for everyone involved.

if your name is max verstappen, then you've got more ups than most others. that roller coaster seems pretty fun.

but if your name is y/n harper, then your roller coaster isn't as fun these days. but if there’s ever a place to turn things around, it's monaco.

even just the track walk is enough to bring up your mood after a bad week like last. walking along the monegasque streets, almost getting hit by cars as you sign autographs and take pictures with fans... it's an experience you just can't find anywhere else.

coincidentally enough, ollie is done with the track walk just as you are, which means that the two of you can make your way back to the f2 paddock together. your boyfriend has always loved monaco – he pretty much doesn't ever shut up about the track and it's history unless you tape his mouth shut when you're in the country. that's why it's surprising that he not only brings up another subject, but also that he chooses a quite sensitive one – your father.

"he's going to be here this weekend, right?" ollie asks, stuffing his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. he seemingly doesn't quite understand just how tense things are with your dad yet. to be fair, it isn't really his fault, since you haven't told him and since he isn't a mind-reader. but still, something in your chest tightens at the way ollie brings him up so casually.

you nod. "you know how much he adores monaco," you say with a sigh, before putting on your best impression of your dad. "the most iconic track ever, the only track to ever... blah blah blah."

having your dad along for races was always a given when you were younger. he was your best helmet carrier, your number-one supporter, and the first person you went to when celebrating or complaining.

but somewhere along the years, having him around started to become more problematic and anxiety-inducing. his support turned into criticism, and it became far more common for him to tell you to "go apologize to the engineers and ask them what you should do to perform better tomorrow" rather than give you any constructive feedback of his own.

at first, it was rough; the man who had always been your pillar to lean on, your main source of support, your safe haven, was seemingly gone. you continued to perform well, though you weren't sure if that was because you wanted to make him proud or if you were terrified of making him disappointed.

"let's have dinner with him someday, then," ollie suggests as the two of you come to a stop right outside the prema garage for the weekend. "maybe sunday, if we have things to celebrate?"

"let's hope so."

pepe calls your name once, twice, thrice, before he resorts to shaking your shoulder gently. his touch, along with the sound of the spaniard's raspy laughter, makes you finally wake from your slumber. you blink up at him, eyes droopy and mind empty. "what?"

"why are you sleeping?" pepe asks, shaking his head. "quali starts in... about an hour."

you begin to slowly push yourself up from the couch you've been lying on, yawning loudly. "i was supposed to just rest my eyes," you start, rubbing your eyes with your hands. "i didn't mean to fall asleep..."

"did you not sleep well last night? were you up late again?" pepe asks as he sits down next to you, watching you stretch your arms over your head with yet another yawn.

what are you supposed to say? yes, i was up until four am because i couldn't find any peace of mind at all? i've been dreading every second of this weekend because i never know when my dad will appear from around the corner? i'm scared he's going to be so mad over my performances that he disowns me?

pepe may know a lot of what's going on with your father, but he doesn't need to know this much.

you did, in fact, meet him earlier today, right before practice – if greeting him briefly and then instantly bolting in the opposite direction counts as a "meeting" – but since then, he's been nowhere to be seen. not even around dino or ollie when you last saw the two of them.

pepe takes your silence as an answer in itself, and he lets out a hum. "well, i'm quite nervous myself," he says frankly, pulling a hand through his hair.

"you did so well here last year, though." you nudge his shoulder with yours. "you'll be great again, i'm sure of it."

"dinner with the prince on sunday? both of us?"

you nod, shooting your friend a smile. "of course." but despite how much you wish it would become a reality, there's not even the slightest trace of faith in you. the only thing you can think about is how likely it is for this round to go in the same footsteps as your recent ones.

a great attitude to bring into a race weekend.

p9.

a top ten placement, sure. second in the reverse grid, sure. but other than that, there's not much positive in it. it's a step in the right direction, but in some way, it feels like a step that's way too short.

the sprint race starts with an incident right by you on the track, which is extremely unlucky for you since you get pretty much blocked and have nowhere to go. after being passed by several cars, the safety car finally comes out, and you find yourself in p7.

of course your father's words echo in your head all the way through the safety car period. "starting p2 means a free podium," he had told you when he stopped by right before you were getting into your car. "don't mess it up."

you're so focused on that expression on his face, the way he tilted his chin up and his head slightly to the side as he spoke, and the way it felt like your heart stopped beating for a few seconds, that you don't even realize that your engineer has told you about the safety car being about to end. you don't even acknowledge the fact that the race leader has taken off, nor that the rest of the field starts pushing again before it's too late.

some blue car tries to overtake you on the outside, and with another car on your inside you have no chance of giving either of them space – and you manage to crash into them both. not only did you ruin your own race, but also two other drivers'.

and of course, one of the cars buried into the wall next to yours is a silver hitech with a big number 17 on it.

climbing out of your car, you can hear several voices calling out for all three of you from the grandstand nearby, and you consider throwing them a wave as you climb through the metal fence to get off the track. but then, you hear one voice that's more familiar – one that belongs to the last person you want to talk to right now. "are you alright?"

you almost don't look at him, but the little glance you shoot him is enough to take in every single bit of disappointment in his eyes. what are the odds that your dad was sitting in the grandstand right where you crashed?

a nod is enough of an answer you reckon, pulling your helmet off your head and beginning to walk the way towards the paddock again. "do you want me to carry that?" your dad asks, having gotten past the security guards after showing his pass, now jogging to catch up with you.

"i'm not ten anymore," you groan. "i can handle it on my own."

"i wasn't saying you can't-" he cuts himself off, placing a hand on your shoulder. "you looked really out of it out there."

you keep your gaze forwards so he won't see you rolling your eyes at his words, determined steps carrying you forward quickly as you shake his hand off. "oh, you could see through my visor? that's cool."

"what's gotten into you lately?" your dad pushes, and you flinch slightly at the harsh tone in his voice. "what's wrong with you?"

"what do you mean?"

"well, frankly, your driving had been shit recently." your eyes snap to him when he speaks, eyebrows furrowed. "it looks like you're not even trying."

you stay silent for a long while, trying to navigate your way back – and to a place where your dad hopefully won't be allowed – but you can't help but scoff. "thank's a lot."

"what? am i wrong?"

"yes, you're wrong!" you finally stop in your tracks, fully facing him by now. a hand goes up to your hair, pulling on it to relieve at least some tension. "i'm trying my best, i-"

"is there something going wrong with ollie?" your jaw drops. "i'll talk to him, i'll settle it with him."

"don't you dare!" you exclaim. "there's nothing wrong with ollie, okay?!"

"then what is wrong with you? why can't you score ten points in nine races?"

that's it – you're going to completely lose it if this goes on for even one more second. "leave me the fuck alone," you tell him, turning your head away so he won't get a chance to see the tears beginning to form in your eyes.

the worst part of it all? the fact that you agree with him. the fact that you can't even argue against it; nine points in five rounds is not a good result at all.

surprisingly enough, he doesn't follow you when you hurry away, allowing you to get to the paddock alone. the silence doesn't mean you can hold back from crying, however; it doesn't take long before your cheeks are stained with your tears, your breaths growing quicker and quicker for every step you take. navigating the paddock with blurry vision is hard, and you're basically just relying on muscle memory to take you back to the right part of the garage. just as you're rounding a corner, you bump into someone – someone whose white suit and broad, muscular shoulders are easy to recognize even through your tears.

the other last person you want to talk to right now.

"hey there," he says, a hand coming up to your shoulder to keep you steady as you stumble a little upon the impact with his chest. "are you- woah, are you crying?"

"leave me alone, paul."

he lets out a little chuckle, one he regrets in hindsight because it makes him sound like he thinks the state you're in is funny. "i can't just walk away when you're this upset, can i?" he asks, having to use all of his willpower to hold back from wiping away a few tears from your cheeks. "is it about the crash? i'm not mad at you, and i don't think victor is either-"

"i couldn't care less about the stupid crash!" you explode, a few sobs following your words. "i'm just- i can't-"

paul's eyes widen in surprise at your outburst, hand on your shoulder slipping further along so he's got his arm draped across your shoulders and it's easier for him to force you to walk with him. now it's your turn to have to hold back, wanting nothing more than to lean into his chest and just let out all of your tears. he pushes you with him into the hitech truck, looking around the lounge area to make sure no one's there before guiding you to sit on one of the sofas there. "what's going on? did something happen?"

"i'm a bad driver, that's what happened." paul slumps into the seat right next to you, eyebrows raised when he hears you speak. "i don't belong here, i don't know what i'm doing, i-"

"hey hey hey," he cuts you off with a shake of his head. "what have we said about this?"

you look down at the floor, wiping away a few tears from your cheek as you continue to sniffle in the silence that fills the area. a burning feeling spreads through your chest at his words, the familiarity of it all making your head spin. it isn't the first time you've been like this in front of him; through the almost entire year you dated, there were quite a few times when he'd have to console you after a breakdown. paul knows your issues like the back of his hand, he knows how hard it can be to convince you that you do belong. but he also knows to never give up.

"you are a great driver," he starts, hesitating for a moment before letting his hand rub your shoulder. the action makes your breath hitch in your throat, but not because it's wrong – it's because you've missed his touch, probably far more than you've admitted to yourself before now.

"even my lousy dad thinks i'm bad," you finally get out in-between sniffles, resting your face in your hands.

"and since when do you care about his opinion, huh?"

he's right. at least partially. but still, you remain hunched over, shaking your head. "i may act like it doesn't matter, but… him calling me all kinds of things…" paul allows you to gather your thoughts, his touch remaining gentle over your racing suit. "it hurt. a lot."

he hums understandingly, letting out a sigh. "when is that stupid little brain of yours going to understand that you're doing well?" his words should bring a smile to your lips – a few months ago, they would've. but now, you don't react at all. "no matter what he says, no matter what the critics say. you're a good driver."

after another few moments of silence, you drop your hands to your lap and look at him. there's a hint of curiousity in his eyes, surprised by your sudden eye contact. "why do you even care?" you question. he's been acting like a complete idiot these past few months – and after you literally cursed him out in melbourne, you haven't spoken a word to each other. and yet, he's taking time out of his day to comfort you like he would a year ago.

"come on…" he presses his lips together in a firm line, shaking his head. "no matter what happens between us, i'll always look after you."

his words, and maybe especially your emotional reaction to them, take you by surprise. despite the anger and frustration you've built up over the last few months, there's an undeniable warmth in his gaze that softens your defenses. the feeling of nostalgia and longing is so strong it's almost painful, as if he has reminded you of a connection you thought had been lost forever.

it's quite strange, considering everything that's happened. but you're not opposed to it.

"how are you feeling after the crash?" paul asks to break the silence as you reach up to dry away the last of your tears from your cheeks. "that was a big impact you had. i got away lightly in comparison."

for the first time since the crash, you stop to actually think about it and allow yourself to feel through your body. the adrenaline from the race has worn off by now, and there's a throbbing in your head that seems to just grow stronger by the second. "i think… i'm alright…"

"do you want me to go get ollie for you? the race should be done by now," he says, checking the clock on the wall in the truck. "he can take you to go see a medic."

you shake your head instantly. "please, don't. for real."

paul shoots you a strange, confused look, though he gives you a slight nod. "okay, but you have to tell him," he says, pausing a second before continuing. "i know that head of yours, you're going to combust if you keep hiding this. you can't go through it alone."

"i promise."

you don't end up going to the medical center.

you do, however, go find ollie yourself – but you don't tell him about your chat with paul. instead, you hope he doesn't take notice of the not-so-subtle signs that you've just had a complete meltdown.

it's easy to break promises to people who you don't need to stay truthful to, you realize. last year, you wouldn't even think about breaking a promise to paul – but an ex boyfriend is much easier to lie to.

your current boyfriend wraps his arms around you the second you step close enough. his lips press to the side of your head, his arms giving you another squeeze before pulling away.

ollie has gotten used to your red eyes.

he's gotten used to the sight of your tearstained cheeks, the slight pout on your lips, the heaviness in your sighs.

he's gotten used to the sinking feeling in his stomach, the pain in his chest, the guilt.

but he's also gotten used to not asking, because he knows you won't tell.

when you wake up on feature race day, something is different. it's like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders after talking to paul; like the air is suddenly much easier to breathe, and the whole world seems a little lighter. you're much more excited for the feature race of the day than any race so far this season.

in today's race, it's ollie's time to crash out. it isn't his fault, though; he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and got squeezed up against the wall by a trident car. there was nothing he could do.

as soon as he's deemed free of injuries, he makes his way back to the prema garage, joining the team in watching the rest of the race. it's a good one for you; choosing to go with the opposite strategy has really worked out for you so far, with you and zak o'sullivan being the only two drivers in the top who haven't pitted yet.

ollie follows your car intently on the screen in the garage, secretly hoping for a safety car to come out and help you out with your strategy as it's nearing the last few laps. he almost doesn't pull out of his trance even when a hand lands on his shoulder. "she's doing great," dino says from behind him, the brit nodding along to his words. "especially considering... well, she must've told you about yesterday, so i won't repeat it to you."

yesterday?

ollie looks dumbfounded for a moment before he composes himself, though he has no idea what the swede is talking about. "of course."

dino lets out a chuckle, patting his friend's shoulder. "paul said she was a complete mess when he found her," he continues, not realizing he's giving ollie more clues to help figure out what in the world he's talking about. "her anxiety was all over the place, apparently. but she's recovering, she's strong. she won't let this affect her."

ollie hums agreeingly at his words, eyes still glued to the tv in front of him. "certainly," he finally gets out. "she'll get through it with ease."

and so you did – at least for this particular race.

the virtual safety car was incredibly lucky, but that's racing sometimes. with both you and zak changing your tyres in the last lap, you both managed to end up ahead of the rest of the field, and secure a podium each.

unlike in jeddah, seeing paul's car pull up right next to yours on parc ferme isn't all that bad. after yesterday's heart-to-heart with him, you feel like at least part of this podium is thanks to him. if it weren't for his encouragement, you likely would've stuck it in the wall again.

you don't ignore him this time. you don't scoff at his words, you don't feel frustrated at his mere presence. this time, you give him a tight hug when he comes over to congratulate you, arms around his shoulders forcing him close.

"thank you," you can't help but whisper, and paul is grinning from ear to ear when he pulls away from the hug.

"don't," he answers with a quick shake of his head. "you could always pull this off. you just needed a little reminder."

and not only do your shoulders and mind feel a bit lighter as you step onto that monaco podium, but most importantly, your heart.

"i'm exhausted," you huff as you shrug your bag off your shoulders, leaving it by the door as ollie, too, makes his way into the hotel room. "thank god this weekend is finally over."

you dive onto his already-made bed, landing face-down between the pillows and blankets. the bed is huge, probably over two meters in width, and unbelievably soft. it's the first time you feel like you can truly relax since you got to monaco, and every single cell in your body thanks you for allowing them to rest a little.

"and i don't even have any sim sessions scheduled in over a week. i'm the luckiest person ever." ollie lets out a chuckle at this, his own bag crashing to the floor with a thud before his feet carry him deeper inside the room.

you turn your head and watch as he picks out a water bottle from the mini fridge, but he doesn't drink from it. instead, he makes his way to the bed, choosing to just stand next to it at first. you can't really read his expression, so you speak up – but he beats you to it. "ollie-"

"can we talk?"

you press your hands into the mattress, sitting up properly. "of course," you say, a look of unknowing dejection spreading across your features. "what's wrong?"

"that's... what i wanted to ask you, actually." ollie finally sits down on the bed, but on the opposite side of it, far from you. "what's going on? what happened yesterday?"

"oh, well..." you pause for a second, eyebrows rising as you try to find an explanation. "i just had a bad day, i didn't realize that the safety car-"

"i don't mean the race, i mean what happened after the race." his eyes are piercing into yours, not missing even the slightest movement of your face now. you've got his full attention. "with paul."

your breath hitches in your throat and you instantly look away. your voice is as low as a whisper when you speak again. "i can't believe he told you..."

"he didn't. it was someone else, but that's beside the point." you don't know if you should feel relieved that paul didn't tell ollie, or furious that he told someone else who then told ollie, but you don't have any time to think before his voice infiltrates your thoughts again. "i heard you were... i'm not going to use the same word he did, but i heard you were really upset. something about anxiety, or..."

he hopes you'll pick up where he trailed off, and despite how you're really not in the mood for this conversation right now, it feels unavoidable. "i guess... yesterday's race was really rough on me. and my racing has felt really bad recently, the anxiety has been through the roof, and..." your eyes land on your hands, watching as your fingers tremble slightly in your lap. "i don't know. something about yesterday just triggered it all again."

out of the corner of your eye, you can see ollie nodding understandingly. "how long have you been feeling like this?"

"since always, basically." a single teardrop rolls down your cheek before you even notice that you've started tearing up. you hurry to wipe it away with the sleeve of your shirt. "my mom likes to tell this story about how i used to cry if i performed poorly when i was jumping rope in kindergarten. or about how one time, i came home sobbing over the fact that i thought i was getting kicked out of kindergarten because my drawings weren't as good as the other kids'." the old stories bring a soft smile to your lips, one that soon disappears when you shake your head and squeeze your eyes shut. "it's not usually this bad, but…"

you sigh.

"it's like... imposter syndrome. i'm one of the very few women in motorsports, and i can't help but think that i'm just here because the fia wants to make the sport more equal. or because my sponsors think it's funny to have a woman among the men. or if i'm just here as eye candy. i don't deserve this, i don't have enough talent."

your little rant makes him speechless – both because he didn't expect it at all, and because to him, you're so wrong.

"you're here because you do deserve it and because you consistently perform good results, unlike most other drivers. that has nothing to do with your gender." ollie pauses for a second. "if you didn't have enough talent, you wouldn't be performing this well in a series this hard."

you can't hold back the little smile that slips onto your lips. "this is all very sweet, and i really appreciate it. but it's not that easy for me to just accept what you're saying."

yet again, he nods. "i understand." his voice is so calm, so gentle, so patient. it makes your heart soften. "i'll make sure to remind you of it more often, so that maybe it sticks."

"thank you, ollie."

a long silence follows, and you take the time to brush away a few more tears that have left your eyes. you don't know what to say or how to follow up on this heavy subject, but you don't have to think much more.

"why did you go to paul instead of me?"

your eyes dart to him at the sudden question. he's sounded so composed and calm, but he actually looks quite... nervous? his fingers are fiddling with the lid of the water bottle in his hands, and his entire upper body looks like it's trembling slightly as he breathes. "i didn't," you tell him simply. it's not a lie, per se. "he just happened to walk in on me crying."

"but why did you tell him?" ollie questions, looking up at you from the bottle. "i thought you two weren't even talking these days? ever since that fight you had?"

he is right. you don't even know why you confided in him yourself – it was just a spur-of-the-moment thing. you didn't even try to deny his help; you welcomed it (and him) with open arms.

"we talked about my struggles last year," you finally say, pulling your knees up to your chest and wrapping your arms around them. "so he knew already. and… i don't know, i guess it felt nice to talk to someone who really knows me."

"but i want to know you." he takes a deep breath before continuing. "i want to know more than your birthday and your favorite color. i want to know it all; what makes you feel good, what makes you anxious, what keeps you going, what slows you down..."

the physical distance between you two may only be a mere two meters, but you feel much more separated than that. you totally understand where he's coming from – he might be exaggerating a little, but your conversations with him are never really deep. though not sure whether it's because you just don't trust him or because you just have a hard time opening up, you can understand the despair he must be feeling.

when ollie notices that you aren't too keen on saying anything, he keeps going. "i want you to trust me. i want to be the person you tell these things to." he scoots closer to you on the bed, one of his hands landing on top of your knee. "i really want to make this work between us. my feelings for you are so strong, just..."

the pain in his eyes is so intense it sends a shiver down your spine, his gaze cutting through you like a knife. your own eyes begin to well up again, but you can't look away now.

"i really want you to give this, give me, a chance."

you've never seen him like this before. hopeless, desperate, practically begging. and in an instant, the guilt comes creeping back into you.

you're the one who's making him feel like this; it's all your fault. and how cruel wouldn't it be to not at least give him an honest chance?

"of course." your voice is weak and shaky, but you nod. "i want that, too. really."

ollie drops his water bottle to the floor before opening his arms wide for you. "come here."

it's easy to climb into his embrace, wrapping your arms around his shoulders as he holds you close. it's easy to lean into him, to inhale his sweet scent, and it's so easy to relax.

you wish it was as easy to open up to him. oh, how badly you wish it was as easy as a-b-c or do-re-mi. you really want to let him in; you, too, want this to work.

the silence that follows is a comfortable one. the air feels thick with unspoken emotions, a heaviness of the previous conversation still lingering, but there's an unspoken understanding between you and ollie. the previously well-known weight of the world on your shoulders seems to lift, if only momentarily; his fingers tracing soothing patterns on your back is like a silent reassurance that he's there, he's present, and he's willing to wait for you to open up in your own time.

after what feels like an eternity, ollie breaks the silence. "let's do something. let's go on a vacation together."

you lean back slightly, just enough to look at his face but stay in his hold. "…what?"

your reaction isn't exactly what he had hoped for, but he goes on. "i'm going back to italy this week, you should come with me." he reaches up with a hand to your face, thumb softly massaging away the frown you hadn't even noticed had formed. "we'll travel around, go see the national parks, hike in the mountains... swim in the sea, eat at good italian restaurants..."

your features soften at his suggestions; it all does sound very sweet. still, you can't hold back from asking, "but why?"

"we have almost a month until the next race weekend, and you said that you don't have any sims this week. this could help take your mind off racing, and..." a sheepish smile appears on his face. "maybe it could make us get a little closer."

uncertainties and conflicting thoughts continue to cloud your heart, making the decision harder than it should be. on one hand, accepting the offer could offer a much-needed reprieve from all the pressures of the racing world. on the other hand, your unresolved feelings for paul still hold you back. spending a romantic holiday with ollie sounds like a dream, just as much as the mere thought of revealing yourself to him makes you nauseous from the fear.

but you want to be brave. and maybe to let go of paul, you need to just forget about your worries and dive head-first into ollie.

"it sounds perfect. let's do it."

yourusername just posted!

yourusername we're back baby!! leaving monaco with some good points. 🔜 barcelona and the team's home race, let's go 😁

show all 78 comments

user finally back on the podium! ❤️💙

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user great drive today !!!

→ user it was just luck 😭 without the vsc she would've never gotten that podium

→ user okay and??

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

olliebearman what's up with the hair dinobeganovic_

→ yourusername it's called fashion

→ dinobeganovic_ it's called waking up at 5 for a feature race

→ user you're still gorgeous dino 😚

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

redbulljuniorteam 💪💙❤️

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

sebasmontoya58 pepe don't punch the girl, she did nothing wrong

→ yourusername i did nothing wrong!!!

→ pepemartiofficial tell him what you did

→ yourusername never

→ pepemartiofficial sebas check your whatsapp

→ yourusername YOU WOULDNT

→ pepemartiofficial i totally would

[c0ld0utside]

Hi! May I request a yandere vampire with a teen reader? (Maybe the reader escapes and the yandere ends up turning the reader)

Ily so much! Feel free to ignore if you want :)

This reminded me of Interview With The Vampire (1994). Thank you for that. I am now planning on getting all 13 books of the original series. 

Criticism is welcome!

Warnings (Let me know if I missed any): Suicide mentions, Suicidal thoughts, Possessiveness, Clinginess, Death, Reader gets turned non-consensually.

Holden had been alone for years. His family was long gone, and so was his sire. He was foolish at the start, befriending humans and falling in love with them. It was funny, really. Being immortal made Holden forget about his past life as a mortal for a while. Until his human friends and lovers got older and withered.

Some he had to end himself. They had either asked too many questions, grew suspicious, tried to sell him out, or thought he was some other unholy creature. Sometimes they found out but didn’t care. Those were rare. After years of pain and loss, Holden kept to himself and did the one thing he enjoyed: traveling. 

He didn’t know why, but constantly moving around made him feel safe. As time went by, new things popped up and old things either dropped or changed. Now, vampires were nothing but monsters from fairytales. Some people even liked them! …Some a little too much. The one thing that didn’t change was the rule Holden made for himself. 

Never get close to anyone ever again. 

Not even a pet.

Mortals had no escape. All they will do is wither away and die slowly. Holden didn’t want anything to do with them, either. Not anymore. They were all evolving backwards. 

There were hardly any other vampires around. On the chance that Holden came across one, they were either downright insane, genuine assholes, or wanted nothing to do with him. He’d hear through the wind that some couldn’t take it anymore and let the sun burn them away. Immortality was a curse, and Holden was a fool for thinking that the loss of food, drink, and sunlight was the only downside. Immortals weren’t so different from mortals. They die for eternity. 

He made a mistake. He should have never agreed to be that man’s fledgling. Here he was, walking through the streets that got dirtier and dirtier, standing out like a sore thumb. Holden didn’t even care about his businesses, his stocks, or his riches anymore. Holden would never make someone suffer the same fate as him and every other vampire out there. He would never get close to someone just to watch them die over the years. 

He should just find a nice spot away from any sort of civilization, drop his umbrella, and wait. 

Holden almost set out to do it immediately, had he not tripped over poor little you. 

“Oh- ah, sorry,” Holden said, stumbling over his words. He looked up and glanced around. …Where was he? He sees the sidewalks lined with tents and there’s a horrible smell in the air. Like piss and…oh, yuck. That brown stuff across the street was exactly what he thought it was. 

He still remembers poor little you, looking up at him with big, sad, tired eyes. Crying and begging him for help because Mommy wouldn’t wake up and you were feeling worse. Promising that you wouldn’t touch him because you knew how filthy your hands were. Poor little you… scared that he’d ignore you like everyone else. Clothes ragged and covered in muck. 

Holden tried to ignore you. Tried to focus on getting out of that awful part of town. Tried holding onto his rule. Someone else would take pity on you. …Surprise, no one did. God, humans really were evolving backwards. 

So, he finally gave in to the feeling in his chest and threw his rule out the window. Holden remembers how easy it was to scoop you up into his arms and carry you to his car. He ignored how awful you smelled. How dirty you were. How matted your hair was. He ignored the looks he got from others as he buckled you up in the backseat. Holden’s heart was singing joyfully the entire drive home.

No one is ever truly emotionless or happy with being alone. Part of Holden had realized that the moment he stumbled into you. Once he had fully accepted it, his life had meaning in it again. He didn’t care how long it took. He had cleaned you up himself and let you sleep with him that night in his hotel room. You were so small then…

The next morning, Holden bought an extra plane ticket and went out shopping for some new clothes. All for you. Everything he ever did was for you. Everything he does is for you. His precious child. His sunlight. All those nights helping you with homework, getting you private tutors, encouraging your hobbies, movie nights, game nights, going out into town, spa days, sleepovers, having you hang out in his office after school, taking you on trips with him…the list unsurprisingly goes on. 

Holden didn’t want to turn you at first. He didn’t want you to find out what he was, either. That was until the years started blending together again and you were getting older. His heart ached. He missed when you were so small, clinging to his side and wanting to do everything with him, seeking his approval. He misses you when he has to go away on trips.

 But here you were now, independent and relying on him less and less. Choosing your friends over him. That’s when he remembers it again. That he’s immortal and you aren’t. That you’re dying slowly and that he’ll lose you like everyone else. How could he have forgotten?

No, he thought. Forget the rule, forget his morals. He wouldn’t dare to try and replace you. He won’t lose you, too. Before he turned you, he figured he should deal with your “distractions.” Suddenly your friends abandoned you and your teachers started to fear you. Your tutors stopped coming around and your dear old dad started acting stranger. You’d smell something like iron from his wine glass as he watched you eat dinner. He’d sleep in later and later. He’d make you stay up late with him. Slowly, Holden exposed you to what being a vampire would be like. 

You never saw your father eat. Only drink water and wine. He was quite the night owl as well, always sleeping until noon. He was getting more clingy, too. Wanting to spend every single moment with you, talking about things you did when you were younger. Telling you to forget about your old friends and tutors and school. You wouldn’t need it anymore, he said.

Holden hadn’t expected one of your old tutors to show up one night. He hadn’t expected her to go off on him, saying that he couldn’t just get rid of her. Saying he couldn’t just give her a bunch of money and expect her to forget about you. 

Holden couldn’t blame her. You’re lovely and wonderful to be around! You always get so excited when learning about something you’re interested in, too. He couldn’t blame her at all, but he couldn’t let her get in the way. Holden tried to be quick and quiet about it, but she did scream rather loudly. Her blood didn’t taste that great, either. 

He didn’t know that you saw it all happen, either. He didn’t know that you couldn’t sleep and wanted to confront him about your education and his behavior. That you missed going outside and being with people that weren’t him. 

He didn’t know why you ran away from him. Or how you suddenly disappeared. It took him weeks to find you. Holden couldn’t help but feel a bit proud of you for staying hidden for so long.

“Believe me, darling, this is for your own good,” He says, his grip firm as he tugs you back inside. “Hey, enough with the screaming. No one can hear you, and you’re hurting my ears, sweetheart.” Holden chides lightly, guiding you into his bedroom.

“This reminds me of our first night together, you know.” He says. “I wish you didn’t run away. I was going to tell you everything, you know. Then you could’ve properly said goodbye to the sunlight and we could’ve chosen a nice spot to do this. …Ah, well. You’re my sunshine, and I’m your sun.”

Holden’s caught off guard when you snap at him. When you curse at him and say that you hate him. When you call him a monster and that you wish you never asked him for help. 

You rarely saw Holden get angry, but that pushed him over the edge. He had been so worried about you! He turned the entire mansion upside down looking for you. He thought he had lost you forever! 

“How dare you?” He hissed, pulling you close and glaring down at you. “You ungrateful little brat! I’ve done nothing but sacrifice for you! I stayed up for hours, just to spend time with you and to work to make sure I had the money to support the both of us! I let you have whatever you want. I gave you whatever you wanted! You wanted to go to school, I let you go to school. And how did that go? Everyone left you!” 

“Because you made them,” You butt in. “I overheard your conversation. I saw what you did to Ms. Caddel.” You say, face hot as angry tears flow down your cheeks. “She was probably the only teacher that actually cared about me. That made me like math. That was normal.  How could you even do that to someone!? She had a family-”

“Don’t talk back to me,” Holden growls. “Don’t you get it? You’re my family. You’re mine.” 

“Not by blood,” You point out. “Never by blood. You’ll never be my real father.” 

Holden stops. And then he smiles slightly. And then he laughs, making your blood go cold. 

Shivers run up and down your spine as he says your name gently. Despite the situation, his tone is full of love and care. Full of amusement, like you just said the silliest thing he’s ever heard. “My sunlight,” He continues. “If you saw what I did, you’d know what I am by now.” 

Holden cups your chin and tilts your head up so you’re looking him in the eyes, your neck exposed. “I’m not a fairytale, my dear. And there is one way that we can be related by blood.” He says, stroking your cheek with his thumb. 

“Now, now, don’t struggle. It’ll be okay. It’ll only hurt for a moment.”

“Hey, look, the sun is rising. Focus on that, yeah? It won’t hurt long, but it’ll hurt bad.”

“This will be your last sunrise, my dear sunshine. Make the most of it.”

[mykneeshurt]

Thank you

Keegan x AFAB reader

Credit for the artwork to @ave661 who kills it every-time.

Warnings - 18+, minors DNI, smut, unprotected sex, p in v, themes of depression, self-critical thinking

This was gonna be fluff, but I’m incapable apparently.

————

Lying on the roof of base you leant back onto your elbows as you allowed the fine rain to mist over your face. You often came up here when you wanted to clear your head. It was peaceful, still. The familiar sting of loneliness throbbed in your chest as you took in strangled breaths, urging yourself to calm down. Tears stung at the corners of your eyes as your chest collapsed in on itself.

You allowed them to fall, cleansing your soul of the pain you were feeling. Looking up at the sky your eyes drifted along the stars before landing on the moon. The blue hue of the moon bore down upon you as you covered your mouth to muffle your sobs. While the pain your felt was incredibly real you couldn’t place what emotion it stemmed from. It was more than sadness, it was more than anguish, it was a silent emotion that crept up on you. Keeping you hostage within its firm grasp.

‘Thought I’d find you here kid’ a husky voice penetrated the darkness. You remained looking at the sky, the rain started to pick up, the heavy droplets of water kissed your skin. The figure trudged over to you before sitting by your head. Looking up a pair of cloudy silver eyes looked back at you, his gaze softening slightly as you finally acknowledged him.

‘Hi’ you muttered meekly.

‘Didn’t see you at dinner.’

‘So you came looking for me?’ You asked, removing your gaze from his, back to the sky. ‘You been quiet lately, been worried about you.’ You scoffed internally to yourself. Why would anyone be worried about you? Why should anyone be worried about you? ‘Why are you here Keegan?’ It came out a little more cold than you had intended.

‘Cause I care about you kid, you haven’t been yourself for a while now.’ He sounded sincere, but the little voice inside your head was already telling you he couldn’t be trusted. You weren’t worth caring about.

Slowly you sat up, swinging your legs around so you were sat upright, next to Keegan. Your clothes stuck to you, clinging to your form as you repositioned yourself. Your shoulders hunched over as you leant on your arms, fresh tears now falling with the rain.

‘Why? No one really cares, they tell you to talk, they listen but they don’t hear you. How are you any different?’ You spat, eyes still firmly staring at the ground. A warm hand encased your cheek, pulling you to look at him. Reluctantly you turned your head, your now bloodshot eyes met his calm pools of grey and blue. It was enough to make bile rise to the back of your throat. ‘Because you’re a good person, and because I like you. Always have.’ He was being sincere, serious even. His face didn’t falter when he expressed those words. You rolled your eyes, the words stung, piercing the armour you’d placed around yourself.

‘You’re fuckin delusional’ you spat, unwilling to accept his words. He placed his other hand on your cheek, cupping your face entirely. ‘Why do you hate yourself so much?’ His voice was strained, a tinge of pain strung throughout it. You’d been with the Ghosts coming up to a year now, you got on well with them and even better with Keegan. You felt safe in his company, on and off the field. He’d wormed his way in instantly, and you hated him for it.

You’d be lying if you didn’t admit your attraction to him, he was gorgeous, kind, a great mentor. You’d flirted on and off for months but nothing ever came of it. Convincing yourself you weren’t worth his time, his love, if he felt that at all. You didn’t deserve to be loved, to be liked. You placed your hand over his, shutting your eyes trying to calm yourself. ‘Why do you care? Why are you up here?’ Pain and disbelief evident in your voice.

He placed his forehead against yours, ‘because you don’t, I’ll care enough for the both of us. You don’t deserve the pain you put yourself through.’ A guttural sob left your chest as he pulled you into him, placing his arms around you. He felt safe. He felt like home. Cradling your head he kissed your temple, ‘I’ve always cared about you, more than you’ll ever know.’ It was such an alien feeling, having someone outwardly confess how much they care. It made you cringe.

He kissed your cheek this time, and again, edging closer to your lips this time. You bit your lip, the salty taste of your tears spread across your tongue. This wasn’t real. You couldn’t accept it was real. How could anyone want this with you? You whispered his name against his lips, a plea of disbelief. ‘Please’ he begged ‘let yourself be happy, let me in.’

You peered up at him, lashes saturated with tears and rain. You still didn’t understand what he saw in you, why he would want this. But for once you allowed yourself to feel, to really feel a sliver of anything but sorrow.

Glancing down to his lips again a strained breath forced from your chest, you cupped his jaw in return. As he placed his lips on yours it felt like you’d been punched full force in the gut. You gripped at his jaw, falling into the kiss further and further. Your jaws opened in perfect unison as you swiped your tongue along his. A quiet groan rattled in his chest as he dropped a hand to your waist.

Taking this as your cue you straddled him, never faltering from his kiss. Instead of sadness you now felt overwhelmed with passion, infatuation. He gripped at your back, nails digging into your saturated skin. You ran your fingers through his hair, a black tangled mess. You knelt up onto your knees, leaning over him as you moaned deeper and deeper into him.

He pulled back, breathless ‘slow down kid.’ Instantly your mind told you you were being rejected, but it was quite the opposite. Your chests rose and fell in tandem, panting to one another. The butterflies that swarmed in your abdomen shot down to your cunt, rolling your hips into him. Staring down at his face, his perfect face you whispered his name again. Begging him for more. ‘Please’ it was bust a whisper lost on the roof of the base.

His throat bobbed at your words, at your plea. His mouth suddenly running dry. He lifted you onto his hips as he made his way to the door. ‘No.’ He looked at you confused.

‘Here, on the roof’ you asked tracing his lips with your thumb. ‘Really? In the rain?’ You nodded in return, kissing him once more.

Letting you down your boots hit the floor, you led on the ground, legs parted, droplets of rain running down your face. Keegan placed himself between your thighs as he kissed your neck, ‘fuckin hell kid.’ Placing a finger on his swollen lips you hushed him ‘shh Keegan, just fuck me. Please.’

Wasting no time you fumbled with your belts, pulling your trousers down as far as the wet material would let you. Freeing himself he lined up at your entrance, pushing himself into your cunt he threw his head back. A grunt came from the pit of his chest. He clawed at your hips, your waist, your ribs. Any part of you he could touch, that he could feel, like a man touch starved. You pulled him close to your chest as he began to thrust faster and faster.

Delicate moans flooded his ears as you cradled his head into your neck. It was primal, pure desire and just fuelling this … what ever it was between you. Arching your back you rolled your hips as he dropped a hand to softly rub your clit. ‘Don’t stop, fuck Keegan, please don’t stop.’ It was a whine, a sob, a cry of pure untamed pleasure. He panted into your ear, guttural whimpers as he savoured the sensation of your cunt around him. He couldn’t talk even if he wanted to, completely lost to this feeling, lost in the moment with you.

Pulling him to your face you rested your foreheads together, inhaling each others moans. Mouths open and slack, chasing each others high, daring each other to fall first.

But it was you.

You came first, clenching around his cock he cupped your face ‘that’s it … atta girl … come on my cock.’ His voice was dry, withered. As he coached you through your orgasm his pace became sloppy, jagged. ‘In me, cum in me’ you whimpered, eyes screwed shut, brows furrowed as you tried to regain control. His moans can only be described as heavenly, sinful, but ultimately indescribable. His cock pulsated inside you as he came, filling you completely.

He rested his head in your chest as he rode out his orgasm, panting onto your skin. ‘Keegan?’ You asked quietly. ‘Yeah?’ He remained breathing heavily into you.

‘Thank you.’

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

3 and 12 especially if 12 does not correspond to the list from 3

3. Rank the shows you are currently watching from least favorite to favorite.

Ok. So I just answered this one. So I guess this time I'll give some reasons for each one.

8.My Love Mix-Up! This one just started so there isn't a lot to say about it and what I got to say I kinda did when it aired. I'll be waiting to see if it improves because I like the actors. 7.Love Sea I literally just finished watching the first episode an hour ago. I'm not sold and the reason it surpasses MLMU is the ocean. I love anything a little bit more if I can watch the ocean at the same time. 6.We Are It's not breaking any new ground. But I'm enjoying the friendship moments a lot. The group is really fun and they are all very natural together. Tan/Fang are my favourites atm and I wish I had more than crumbs Chain/Pun, because I find Pun really fun to watch. 5.Knock Knock, Boys! It's really fun. I'm actually laughing in certain moments which doesn't happen all that often. I really like the house dynamics, it feels very real to me. Seng is great of course, but I like all of them. The food montage was a high moment for me. I was drooling. 4.Only Boo! They are so freakin adorable. I am in pain. That train break up was so sad. Well done but sad. I understand the reason, and it makes sense from what we know of Kang, but it was painful. And that title card '1 year later'... I hate it so much. We don't really know how much happened in that year so I don't want to preemptively criticize it, but I hope that something else changed and not only the calendar. Cause if you're gonna move past so many things, at least give me growth. 3.With You I Bloom This one is a jdrama and thanks to an amazing fansubber I can watch as it airs which is not always the case with jdramas. This is not a bl, but I don't think anyone has told the show yet. I started watching this one because there are a lot of jbl actors in it so I was curious. And I'm having so much fun. It's basically a bunch of dudes learning to fight with swords in very nice clothes. There are a bunch of couples pairs, with very different dynamics, several sad backstories, and the final theme song makes cackle every time because it's always a massive tonal shift, because it's so happy and honestly, so so gay. 2.Wandee Goodday It's a whole new level of idiots in love and I love it. Like there's idiot in love, and then there's Dee. He's going for first place and no one can even touch him. I think if Taem clearly and without reservations rejects Yak, he can accept his feelings for Dee properly. But Dee is all over the place and at this point I don't think the show is doing a good job at telling me why. He keeps going back and forth too quickly for me. I truly hope that final flashback he had when they were running was him accepting his feelings. Also I NEED to know about Cher and Oyei. I need that backstory. TODAY. 1.At 25:00 in Akasaka I love Hayama a normal amount. This last episode was a rollercoaster for me. That ending left me screaming. And then I went through a whole thing when @lurkingshan threw my glasses on the floor and I was able to see everything in a whole new way. Anyway I love this show. What they are doing with the two shows is so interesting, and the editing is so smart. And I love them both. Hayama has my whole heart though.

2. Which show do you think will have the best ending?

Honestly, I have no idea. Endings are hard. It's hard to tie all the loose ends and make everybody happy. Jbl's lately have not done a great job at them. I still trust them more than Thai bl endings and I feel like we are collectively dreading WG end because of that. So honestly. If I'm going by what I've seen so far, I'm gonna say Only Boo. Maybe because the stakes are not as high as for some of the other shows, I expect a solid ending that will leave me with a big smile and a full heart. And that's honestly more than I've been getting so I'll be happy.

Thank you so much for dropping by with questions. 💜

Currently Airing Shows Ask Game

[aotopmha]

And I'm done with the lvl 87 Endwalker quests, ending on the Venat cutscene.

The very first thought that jumps out to me is actually an annoyance: I really don't care for when the story uses jumpscares.

The only time during the game I have thought it was effective happened to be with Edda and it's because the mood was built for it in different ways.

It didn't work with Titania's introduction and it effectively annoyed me with Meteion.

Her transitioning to a grown woman's voice and listing off the dead worlds in a robotic tone was effective enough.

But they just keep doing the jumpscares with her and the more they do the less effective it is for me.

But to transition to some more character thoughts, I love how Hermes's words towards Meteion are also relevant towards Hermes himself.

"Though I gave you these wings to soar the heavens, I did not teach you how to walk the earth."

In the end, as Emet said, Hermes could not see anything good right in front of him on Etheirys. He simply could not find happiness or purpose in his own world, so he hoped to find it in others.

And so it lead to his flawed question and the painful result of it for the rest of the world and Meteion.

He hoped he would find the answer for his quest for meaning in other worlds. Perhaps use those discoveries to pave the way for a more empathic world that did not deny negative feelings. Perhaps to convince the ancients all lives had value. Perhaps to find companionship in his sadness and loneliness.

It was a two-sided issue, as the ancients also worked to not look at negativity, which probably would have had some bad consequences on a bigger scale eventually, no matter how you look at it.

Again, we go back to the idea of mental illness creating tunnel vision. All Hermes could see was the flaws of the society, but the society itself also did not address the issues within. (Or did they, looking at some of the side quests in Elpis?)

Across all of Endwalker, the idea of emotional resillience has popped up over and over again.

And when I first reached some of the parts about emotional resillience while watching someone else's playthrough, I really wasn't sure about the story leaning into the idea of "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger".

Thavnair especially felt this way.

And that perspective is incredibly hostile towards the individualised nature of emotional struggles. What doesn't kill you does not, in fact, always make you stronger.

But Elpis and everything afterwards put in a lot of effort to make it much more nuanced than that.

"As fragmented, imperfect beings, yours is a never-ending quest. A quest to find your purpose, knowing your end is assured. To find the strength to continue, when all strength has left you. To find joy, even as darkness descends. And admist deepest despair, light everlasting."

Might just be the most important quote of Endwalker.

In reality what the game says (at least what I think the writers aim to say and I read the story as) is that we should try to appreciate the good when we have it because it isn't eternal.

And yet we should not look away from the bad and instead digest it in a healthy way.

As I touched on a few lines above, I think the point of the characterisation of the ancients is that negative feelings hurt, but burying and invalidating them will end up hurting more and more and eventually lead to some sort of issues.

Therapy good.

And as the Ascians show us, their tactics just lead to more and more sacrifices, to the point where it started feeling worse and worse and the rift between the two sides of the ancients happens.

The world of the ancients treats mental illness just like our world does and this story is simply commenting on the current mental health crisis, which was even worse during Covid times.

I'll touch on it more in my upcoming posts because I know that Alisae has a few really important lines regarding this idea, but I know I had this criticism for a while and I was really happy the story addressed it.

Another criticism I see Endwalker given is related to precisely the idea that by creating this causal loop the game implies all of this suffering HAD to happen (and that is why it is okay), everyone had to be sundered to survive and thus it fully also excuses Venat's actions.

But to me the nuance here is that while the game agrees with Venat, it never says what she did was "right".

"I create a world of suffering to mire and plague."

She created so much suffering by sundering the world.

And to me that's what makes it interesting. The Goddess of Light, image of "all good" was driven by her own very human beliefs to save humanity, which also lead to much suffering.

Neither side is completely right or wrong and to me that's the most interesting part of this.

Even if affinity to Dynamis was necessary for humanity to survive.

Even if the 13th is an useless void so the full Rejoining was never possible to begin with.

Even if the Ancients just kept sacrificing themselves and were on a path of unsustainable self-destruction, Venat still caused untold suffering with her choice.

And she takes full responsibility for it.

And to me that's a super cool element to the struggle between the two sides of the ancients.

Because on the other side, the Ascians absolutely were driven by love for their people. This was true all the way through.

Duty, love, desire to get back their paradise. There WAS so much beauty and actual kindness in the ancient world, it just had its own struggles, just like the present world gas its own.

Both sides were literally fighting for the same thing.

One looking to the past. One looking to the future.

And I just do not get why people have the need to appoint the right and wrong in this conflict when I think both having their own flaws is the entire point (and far more interesting to me).

I think Venat's manouvering after Hermes uses Kairos goes under this, too.

Her decisions are all driven by her personal perspective as a character (what she believes in, what she gleaned from Meteion's words etc). I've seen her judgements and the memory erasure be criticised as too wishy-washy on a writing level, but I like it because it is so tied to the characters of those affected.

To me her caution and hesitation makes sense considering what is at stake, especially.

I think Emet is the shaky one because I feel he would look into this as deeply as he could. He accepts his memory being gone a little too easily, I think, but I take it considering the biggest tangible loss we see is two familiars (Meteion and WoL).

Finally, I'll comment on the dungeon.

I think Ktisis Hyperboreia is probably my least favourite of the Endwalker dungeons up to this point.

But that also doesn't mean I hate it. I just think we've had so much cooler set pieces and also much cooler bosses with cooler mechanics in other dungeons.

This IS a dungeon in the ancient world with you exploring an ancient facility and you get the ancients as Trusts, which is super cool, but outside of the final third almost being space, it didn't feel particularly unique or interesting to me as a set piece.

I did notice a bunch of bird cages in a room and the notes, but setting aside, the first two bosses in particular were nothing special to me mechnically, either.

The Hermes boss fight did cause some wipes, though. The beams had a very particular pacing a positioning, which caught me off guard and others in the team also had forgotten the fight so we had 4-5 wipes at the Hermes fight, I think.

Overall, though, once again, a very solid bit of story in my eyes.

[klutzyroses]

Hi! This is my first time requesting so I'm a bit nervous, I wanted to as of you could do mc who has mommy issues, like her mom mentally abused her, I'm sorry if this is too much too ask you can ignore it if you want(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

P. S I have been a fan of your work lately and have been stalking your account for any new updates lol but keep up the good work your an amazing writer (⁠｡⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠｡⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠♡

Ah, it's people like you who keep me writing, anon! Thank you!💖💖❤❤

IkeVamp HCs: Abused S/O

How do they handle an s/o who has been abused by her mother?

Suitors: Napoleon, Vincent, Isaac, Dazai

Warnings: Mentions of emotional and mental abuse, parental neglect

Napoleon

The former emperor was never one to pry directly into people's affairs unless they were willing to tell him and that went for his nunuche as well.

However he couldn't help but notice a sudden shift in her behavior one day when she started acting a little different.

Any criticism, teasing or any scolding she received, she took especially hard. Harder than she normally would actually.

When Sebastian had lightly scolded her over a mistake she made while Napoleon was present, one would think he had driven a knife in her heart. He hadn't said anything out of the ordinary or anything particularly cruel, but the darling looked so crushed that both men were taken aback, especially when she hurriedly excused herself and ran out the room, near tears.

Was it even a question that Napoleon went after her almost immediately?

He really didn't take long to find his belle at the gazebo on the bench, her trembling form obvious from miles away. He wasted no time going up to her and pulling her into a warm embrace.

He will wait until she is calm enough to open up.

His grip tightens around her just a little, to keep himself from shaking with anger when he hears all about her cold and abusive mother, how she berated her daughter for every mistake she did and made her feel like nothing she did was good enough.

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head as he let's her cry on his shoulder, running his hand up and down her back.

"It's okay, don't cry, mon ange, I'll protect you, and your heart from now on. So don't cry, okay...?"

He is a man of his word and he had yet to break any of the promises he made to the woman he loves.

Vincent

He had been awoken by whimpering next to him to see his sunflower crying in her sleep. Her beautiful face was wet with droplets of sorrow and distress as her soft lips mumbled apologies to someone, and promises to do better.

Worried, he gently woke her from her nightmare, unable to stand her tears for long.

If there is anyone who can understand the pain of being unloved by a parent, it's Vincent. So when she opens up that her nightmare was about her mother, her very vulgar and ill-tempered matriarch who made her life nothing short of a misery.

Vincent tenses as he listens to his beloved weep her sorrows onto his chest, his heart tightening.

With anger? Sadness? Sympathy? All three?

He couldn't be sure, but it was not a pleasant feeling. He could definitely relate to what she was feeling and it was only because of the sunflower in his arms that he could ever rise above it. And he would do the same for her.

He raises her face, holding the pretty visage in his hands as he kisses each tear away with such heart-rending tenderness, that the woman's sobs died down to quiet whimpers which are briefly cut off by a peck to the lips.

"Shh, it's going to be okay, scatje. I'm right here. I'll always be right here."

He would spend as long as he needs to shower her with the adoration she deserves. Until those woeful tears turn to the brightest of smiles.

Isaac

The physicist can very vaguely relate to having an emotionally distant mother, but to be treated in such a way? That was cruel.

He can't help but feel terrible for his darling when she opens up about how unkind her own mother had been to her and how it impacted her from early childhood.

He suddenly wishes he hadn't asked about her family. It had only been a casual question, that led to the poor dear to tear up.

He couldn't understand how anyone could hurt such a sweetheart?

If her mother was so cruel, how did she bring such an angel into the world?

Questions he could debate later but right now, his love needed to be comforted.

He tenderly takes the tearful maiden in his arms, tentatively as to not alarm or frighten her, tucking her close to his heart that aches at the sight of her tears.

The awkward physicist may not be as silver-tongued as the blasted authors that tease him on a daily basis, but he would be damned of he couldn't pour every ounce of love inside his heart into the fragile beauty in his arms.

"Please don't be upset...I can't stand to see you cry. I...love you too much."

He tries, he really does. He just wants to see that beautiful smile and nothing else.

Dazai

His heart aches, more so than usual when he finds his beloved Y/N in tears one evening. She was cooped up in the library, all by herself in just her nightgown, staring far off into nothingness with just a handkerchief to wipe her never ending tears and the many books to keep her company.

He found himself moving towards her before he could stop himself and seating himself beside her before taking her in his arms, earning a startled gasp from the distraught maiden.

He doesn't push her to tell him what's wrong but he doesn't plan on letting her go until she is better. It's then that he finds out about her experience dealing with her cruel and negligent mother.

How she called her names, how she blamed Y/N for everything wrong in her life, how she always insulted her in every possible way...

As she weeps through her tale, she is pressed to her lover's chest, so she couldn't possibly see the tension in his expression. But if she looked up, she'd see his lips pressed into a flat line and his golden eyes narrowed ever so slightly as they gleamed with the almost imperceptible flicker of anger.

He doesn't speak until she is finished and he only holds her tighter, cradling her as her body wracks with sobs as he whispers sweet words of comfort into her ear. He wants to let her know that none of those cruel insults were true. That she was a wonderful person and she meant the sun and moon to him.

"You're adorable, even when you cry but please, dry your tears my love, I'd much rather see you smile. If you don't smile, I'll just have to make you, won't I?"

He may not be able to make her happy, but her smile is his peace and she is his joy. He'd tell her he loves her as many times as she needs to hear it. The man is good with words.

🌸

[revvethasmythh]

That Specific Take TM is part of what led me to stop watching critical role entirely. Wouldn’t go so far as calling myself a “stan” of Nott, but I adored her. And I adored her progression into being comfortable with being Veth. But it feels like people see what they want to see far more than they see the character that’s been portrayed… TLDR I sympathize entirely, it’s kind of miserable to know so many people dislike characters you find very compelling for how they are portrayed simply because they are misinterpreting that portrayal at a rather fundamental level!

I actually do not think a take like that stems from dislike! Misinterpretation, yes, but misinterpretation is not always connected to disliking a character. Like, as many insane and wrong takes I've seen about Orym that have popped up during c3, the OPs of those posts often do not necessarily dislike Orym (at least, so they say). They just have a particular perspective that is not, uh, correct if you actually engage with the textual evidence. I think re: this take in particular, it really does come from a sense of disappointment that the dynamic between Nott and Caleb didn't maintain course, that the Veth reveal did irrevocably alter the dynamic.

Which--okay, there's a lot going on with that, and I think people who were overly attached to the "dynamic" over the individual characters involved tend toward Caleb-specific fans (hence how he's the listless sad boi of the post, the queer neurodivergent guy, while Veth is cast as a flat perfectly happy straight neurotypical woman (that was painful even just to write, but that is what the post is positing), and ignorant of all of Caleb's sad boi feelings--which of those descriptions is going to be more relatable/sympathetic to your average tumblr user, you know?), and if you were to track fandom engagement with Nott as a character, I feel like you would find a significant drop-off of investment in her after the Veth reveal. Because she yelled at Caleb, she altered the dynamic, her story separated from his story, she moved away from him narratively, and when the focus was placed more fully on herself and her character details, I suspect a lot of people drifted away from her. Because Nott was Caleb's funny sidekick and qpr and loving mother all rolled into one, and it's just not the same if she is a married woman, a mother, with goals of her own that may--and do--cause her to shift away from her very tight relationship with Caleb. In the eyes of a lot of people, she was there to serve at the altar of the dynamic, and her role was to support Caleb. Breaking the dynamic is a cardinal sin--it's similar to the way some people react so weirdly to the Nein all splitting ways after the finale. There's that deep attachment to The Dynamic, the Found Family, that rifts and conflicts and alterations to the dynamic are distressing to people and they'll come up with similarly incorrect metas full of projections and act like they're canon as a reaction to that.

So, instead of "dislike", I think perhaps the better word to sub in there is "disinterest." If people cleave so strongly to the original representation of the dynamic, when alterations to it are made they are disinterested in letting themselves be invested in, think deeply about, and care for the new dynamics created, because they're too tethered to a thing that was already lost--OR never really existed the way they're imaging to begin with.

[apollosgiftofprophecy]

From Dusk to Dawn, Light at the End of the Tunnel, Apollo and Aphrodite bonding, and (I can't remember if this was already answered) A Titan's Demise 👀

From Dusk to Dawn

This particular fic takes place during The Titan's Curse!!! Basically, Apollo sneaking around and helping the questers save Artemis behind Zeus's back.

Apollo shenanigans galore lmao

There's Always Light At the End of the Tunnel

okay, I can't/won't say mcuh about this because 👀 i have plans but...i will say it's Apollo dropping by the Hunt post-ToA

....you know what i think i'll also do something with him dropping by the Hunt pre-PJO for poetry's sake :)

Apollo n Aphrodite bond over "not changing much" in the Greek-Roman thing

okay okay, here's the thing.

Aphrodite herself says that she didn't really change all that much when Rome surprise adopted Greece. She casually flicks between Aphrodite and Venus without much trouble because "love is universal" (like chocolate).

And in this fandom, we all will go down with the "Apollo isn't affected by the schism" theory so...bonding! :D

howmever. there is that Reyna business between Venus and Apollo. I don't know what the common consensus is on how Venus basically humiliated Apollo in front of the entire council is, but here's my two cents: She shouldn't have done that. No matter what it was about Reyna's love life that made her sad (probably that she wouldn't find romantic love but who needs that when u have platonic love eh?), she had no right to tear into Apollo like that. Especially in front of the entire Council. Who proceeded to laugh at him.

😳

Apollo may have a reputation with his relationships, but he didn't even say - or think - he was interested in Reyna. He just asked who she was and remarked she was pretty. It was in the same fashion as Hazel describing Percy as a god - sure, in Tyrant's Tomb Apollo clearly offers to be Reyna's boyfriend if she was interested but took it rather well when she laughed it off.

So yeah. whew. there's my two cents on that. don't shoot if i said something controversial. constructive criticism only please.

Anyway, going back to Aphrodite V Venus. I think the one major difference between them is that Venus may be a little more hardcore - remember, the Greek gods were taken and made more "disciplined" and "warlike". So I think Venus, while she isn't all that different from her Greek counterpart, has that little extra spice to her, a little more vindictiveness (which also adds into the topic above)

their relationship is fascinating to me and i wanna put them under a microscope. I imagine they were good friends because people often stereotype them as "dumb" and "mediocre" (probably because of the whole hot person=stupid person stereotype. and the domains they have [i.e. love, beauty, music, poetry, ooo so scary said some very dumb people who likely met their end either by a tiger they somehow found attractive or a deadly, plague-infested arrow]) and that's something they would vent about to each other. Also, shopping trips. Because I say so. Aphrodite says Apollo's the only other Olympian with any sense of style (Dionysus, she also says, also has style, but that leopard print...it's just too much sometimes. RIP)

oh yeah. and this fic immediately proceeds one other fic - but I'm not telling <3

let's just say that Venus ma~y have had an impact on the next person Apollo dated 👀

A Titan's Demise

i am caps, you are italics.

WHO WANT'S MORE APOLLO & HELIOS? ME!

WHO WANT'S ANCIENT ROME? ME!

WHO WANTS ANGST? ME-wait.

hahaha...this is all about how Apollo & Helios's relationship went sour during the Roman Empire, Helios just...disappearing one day, and Apollo inherited the domain and powers of the Sun.

Enjoy their fluff while you can.

Because I plan to go pain pain pain with this one :)

[cosmicjoke]

“I’ve ranted myself into a little corner.  I know why I resent him so, and find it so soothing to hammer at his reputation, to beat upon his immensity with both my fists.

He has taught me too much.  He has brought me to this very moment, here, where I stand dictating to you my past with a coherence and calm that would have been impossible before I cam to his assistance with his precious Memnoch the Devil and his vulnerable little Dora.

Two hundred years ago he stripped me of illusions, lies, excuses, and thrust me on the Paris pavements naked to find my way back to a glory in the starlight that I had once known and too painfully lost.

... and I hate him only because I cannot imagine my soul without him now, and, owing him all that I am and know, I can do nothing to make him wake from his frigid sleep.”

Oof, this part.  Coming off of Armand’s bitter and, at moments, petty criticisms of Lestat, accusing him of blowing his own pain and tragedies out of proportion, accusing him of making grand adventures out of “capers” as he calls them, etc... this part is all the more powerful, because it’s what’s actually there, underneath that bitterness and anger.  He’s upset because Lestat is hurt, he’s fallen into a coma which Armand himself can’t rouse him from, trapped in his own mind, mentally and emotionally destroyed, and Armand can do nothing to help, and it’s that, more than anything I think, which caused Armand to lash out and rag on Lestat so much, before he finally broke under the misery of what he was actually feeling, and simply confesses to it here.  That Lestat, for all the pain and anguish between them, gave Armand his life back, the very one which he had stolen from him five hundred years earlier, and in giving him back that life, shaped who Armand now is and was able to become again.  Armand realizes and confesses here that without Lestat, he wouldn’t even be here, telling this story, and that he wouldn’t be the person he is now.  And of course, you understand how that kind of reliance, that kind of dependence could lead to resentment and even hate.  But Armand cares so much about Lestat, and loves him.  And I think Armand’s anger here comes from the fact that he knows he owes Lestat the life he now has, and more than resentment towards Lestat for that, he’s anguished that in this moment of need, in this moment of Lestat needing help, Armand can do nothing.

There’s all these moments which really drive this home

“What good is it to go back down now to the chapel here and lay my hands on him again and beg him to listen to me, when he lies as though all sense has truly left him and will never return.

I can’t accept this.  I won’t.  I’ve lost all patience; I’ve lost the numbness that was my consolation.  I find this moment intolerable-”

Or this, when speaking about how he hadn’t pitied Lestat when he’d come to him in Paris a hundred years before, seeking his help, but after the ordeal with Memnoch, he says

“But what I’d seen now was a devastation of the soul in his anguished face, and the vision of the one blue eye, shining so vividly in his streaked and wretched face, had been unbearable.”

There’s a sense here, I think, of guilt in Armand.  This awful feeling that he didn’t help Lestat in the past, when he needed his help, and he can’t help Lestat now either, when he wants so much to.

I feel like this is, in part, supported by this sense in Armand of being unlovable, or undeserving of love, rather.  This guilt he feels over not being able to help Lestat sort of affirming for him a sense of worthlessness in him.  He says here

“I felt so sad for Lestat that he had bothered to wee for me...”

Which tells me that Armand doesn’t think his supposed death is worth anyone crying over, which, again, the parallels to Lestat are heartbreaking and remarkable I think.  These two really are so much alike.

And then of course, there’s the topper to all this, the true reveal of Armand’s feelings regarding Lestat, when he overhears Marius and Santino talking about him, and realizes that Lestat has fallen mad, and that if he can’t come back to his right mind, Maharet plans to kill him

“Lestat, my Lestat- for he was never theirs, was he?- my Lestat was crazed and railing as the result of his awful saga, and held prisoner by the very oldest of our kind on the final decree that if he did not cease to disturb the peace, which meant of course our secrecy, he would be destroyed, as only the oldest could accomplish, and no one could plead for him on any account.

No, this could not happen!  I writhed and twisted.  The pain sent its shocks through me, red and violet and pulsing with orange light.  I hadn’t seen such colors since I’d fallen.  My mind was coming back, and coming back for what?  Lestat to be destroyed!  Lestat imprisoned, as I had once been centuries ago under Rome in Santino’s catacombs.  Oh, God, this is worse than the sun’s fire, this is worse than seeing that bastard brother strike the little plum-cheeked face of Sybelle and knock her away from her piano, this is murderous rage I feel.”

I mean, damn, Armand’s love for Lestat here shines through so powerfully.  The horror he feels at the thought of Lestat being destroyed, of him being imprisoned the way he had once been, how it’s that and that alone which really snaps Armand out of his resigned state of lying there, waiting to die, says it all.  It also shows Armand’s own growth, his own realization, I think, about his feelings for Lestat.  Where once he imprisoned and tortured Lestat himself, the very thought of it happening to Lestat now is enough to give Armand the will to fight for his own life, to give him the anger he needs to fight.  That’s incredibly powerful and deeply moving, I think.  And then just him calling Lestat “My Lestat” and saying he was never really Marius’, or any of the others who have laid claim to his life, that alone speaks to the depth of their history together, and how much they actually mean to each other. 

[dgknightblue]

I made a crossover post where Leo says, “Why am I so hard to love?”

He would frown and follow up with, “and why does no want to love me?”

He sees all these other Leo’s in pain and he’s sad. They don’t have anyone nice in their life and it’s all manipulation, threats, and anger.

So he’s genuine with them. He doesn’t try to hug them or say too much, he just says hi and a small compliment and walks away.

The one that heard him murmuring to himself is very concerned.

He’s smart and someone notices.

Then someone pops in with injuries and he’s in medic mode. He’s focused and calm. He’s making calculations over theoretical doses and answers questions with no bite.

One thing I really want to see is Leo confronting a Draxum.

“Why would you try to silence them? Why would you try to take way their voice when you didn’t like it when they tried to quiet yours? It’s hypocritical! The counsel tried to shut you up and you did the same to your kid? You are no better. No matter how noble you call yourself, you’re just as complacent and tyrannical as the humans you hate so much.

Are humans really that bad? Are they that unchangeable? You make them seem like horrible monsters, yet you’ve done what humans would condemn each other for, child abuse. You hurt your child. He has injuries that’s more than just from training. You try to control a living being and treat them like they aren’t anything good or amazing or intelligent. He’s your son and you don’t even love him.”

The Draxum attacks and is surprised when he doesn’t connect.

“I was raised with love, you can’t touch me. I will always have someone to back me up. I will always have someone believe in me. You? You’re a lonely old man that pushed people a way.”

He walks a way.

“A Draxum may have made us, but we aren’t bound by him, we are our own people. Have fun being a sad, angry nobody!”

—————

I think Leo should find someone to talk about medical stuff with. Info dumping with the correct scientific names for medical equipment and medicines and stuff. Leo would also know alternative medicines along with mystic medicine because that’s an option too.

Donnie hands him this pack of paper and tell him it’s a brain teaser, but it’s actually a test and he passed. If he thought every test was just a game he’d pass them.

He likes puzzles and brain teasers and stuff like that. Critical thinking stuff.

I can imagine them putting something hard in front of him and he knows the answer because it’s just so obvious to him. Doesn’t think it’s hard at all.

[silphine]

ESCAFLOWNE Voice meme (2/5)

[ Escaflowne voice meme made by @drkstars-art ]

PART 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

------------------   

2. Who is your favorite character and why? Was it love at first sight?  Has any of their qualities or quirks swayed you on characters in other series?

Instinctively, Van.

He was my favorite character right from the beggining. And despite I now love the vast majority of characters (for many different reasons), I'm still really attached to him.

WHY ? > Mainly because Van's story is the (painful and challenging) process of a boy growing up to finally become a man.

He has the widest range of emotions through out the series, which makes him very realistic and human.

He is the combination of a Life of Duty, Fight, Revenge with the tough, rebelous and doubtful period of adolescence. These two concepts confront inside him and I just love the dynamic it gives to his character :

- Deep inside, Van is a shy, kind, sensitive, pacifist and simple young man > But must endorse a King role he never aimed to and has to learn to fight and kill if needed.

- He lacks of self confidence, is also very impulsive and wholehearted with his beliefs (he is still a teenager after all) > But has to deal with many adult and overwhelming situations (with other royals, leaders, politics...)

- Physically, he is quite small for his age and pretty puny > But reveals being strenghful, mature (on many aspects) and determined. Plus, very dangerous in critical situations :

When he kills several Zaibach soldiers in Energist mine.

When he slaughters all Dilandau’s soldiers.

When he finds and enters Zaibach invisible forteress 

I just love this contrast !

Gaea is a violent world for his kind soul. But he finally accepts his fate and deals with it the best he can, even if it's too heavy for his young and small shoulders.

He internalizes his suffering most of the time and that's why I sympathize so much for him.

His resilience always impressed me.

> He lost almost everything at the beginning of the story, but manages to overcome the situation. We clearly see Balgus' influence in him. (I always loved Balgus. A strong, stoic, proud but so reliable and very kind man. An excellent father figure for any young becoming man.)

By the way, I love the fact that the promise Balgus made to Hitomi to find a way to send her back home foreshadows Van x Hitomi relationship all over the series until its very end.

" We will find a way to send you back on Mystic Moon." " A Fanelian warrior never lies. "

Indeed, Van never lies to Hitomi. By friendship (and because he genuily understands her sadness for being separated from her family), he takes up the promise Balgus made her...

...and reminds her later (in a bitter way) Even if he is deeply irritated by her presence on the moment, frustrated and full of jealousy towards Allen : he WILL keep his promise.

And he will. Definitely. Despite their mutual love. I don't think many young men would do the same. That's why I find him so special. Was it love at first sight ?   > Here was the very first time I saw him.

Frankly, how can it not be a love at first sight ? I knew nothing about his character, neither the story of ESCAFLOWNE. But I instantanly understood in this scene he was desperatly in love with this girl kissing a "perfect blondie man" and that all his hopes just gone up in smoke ! I felt so bad for him... (I feel the same each time I rewatch this scene.)

(Second dose... In case the viewer would not really get how much his heart is broken !) Honestly... How can a heartbreak be so beautifully portrayed and hurt so hard in a single image !? I also love watching him get irritated and not understanding his own feelings. He saves and protects Hitomi most of the time but, paradoxally, is unable to properly express his love to her. He is so lost on that topic ! To finish : his character taught me a lesson on humanity has a young teenage : > The most dangerous person may not be the one who attacks, cheats, enforces domination or hurts people in the first place.... 

... But the most kind person, pushed to his own limits... (Dilandau just freaked out...) > Everyone can become a monster if pushed too far or blinded by its hatred/anger. We all have violence inside us and it can be easy to give in to it. For all these reasons, I love his character. [ > PART 3 ]

[demonslayedher]

Things that PIG ASSAULTED through my head while watching this episode:

--Here we are, entering Stage Kamaboko.

--While watching this the first time, I was certain Zenitsu was going to ruin this series for me and I was very angry about it because I had been enjoying myself so much. Even now, for as much as I love Zenitsu, he's a bit much, his eyes probably spend more time out of their sockets than in them for this episode. It's all a choice, though! I feel like they directed Shimono-san to make him as loathsome as possible for this episode.

--That said, Zenitsu's "TannnjiroooOOOoOOOoooOOOOO" is a sound I feel in my soul and I always miss it dearly.

--This girl on the road? We learn and odd amount her, what with the dropping of the fact that she has a fiance. She always got way more talking time than other side characters, perhaps!

--Speaking of side characters, that guy who fell from the window? Who was he? Someone Kyogai had tried to eat but failed to, and after his Marechi meal got stolen he took out his frustrations on him? Was he a local hero who attempted to rescue a child in distress? Was he a writer whom Kyogai both admired and hated? Was this his house all along and then Kyogai stole it? We shall never know!

--That said, the dedication to the horror and sadness on Tanjiro's face as he holds him while dying? It's reasons like this that I love this anime so much.

--This is going to sound random here, but there was a series of lapel pins that featured scenes of the first season, like Inosuke sad in bed or Haganezuka chasing Tanjiro with a knife. I only got one pin, it wound up being Nezuko curled up in a futon, but the one I wanted was of Zenitsu doing his screaming backbend in front of a very bewildered Tanjiro.

--Something that hit me while watching this unflattering introduction to Zenitsu is that I, too, have gone through a period of life when my brain was wired to deal with even minor stressors with loud, dramatic crying fits (a short round of mood stabilizers really helped hit a mental reset button). It became very normal to find myself huffing and sobbing while also calmly knowing I'd be over it in a few minutes, it was very routine. I see this now in Zenitsu, someone who I see not as a simple coward, but as someone who feels every emotion very intensely, whether scared or angry or happy. He also is very used to himself and his routine freak-outs, what with how quick he can switch between emotions and turn off the crying like "AAAAH--oh sorry, my butt bumped you--"

--That said I'm glad we got to see happy Zenitsu in the Taisho Secrets. : 3 But even there Tanjiro is speechless about how to deal with him. Tanjiro is already so done with him, but he's gonna have to deal with him for rest of his life, hahahahahaaaaa~

--There is something a friend and I refer to as "the Tanjiro face." It's only a question of which of two faces it is, Level 1 or Level 2, both of which are masterpieces.

--I love how throughout this episode there is so much commitment to the bit of not only Tanjiro, but also Shoichi expressing their disgust at Zenitsu with facial expression alone. We don't even get to see the last ones because we already know by context how effective they are, and it really does keep getting funnier and funnier.

--Fortunately for Zenitsu, I cannot picture Nezuko doing this to him in their marriage. It'd murder him on the spot.

--Forehead flicks, though? I'll bet he gets those.

--Watching the comfort Shoichi takes in Tanjiro approaching him with patience and reassuring him, it made me feel bad for making Shoichi having to accept that demon!Tanjiro is an enemy in my canon divergent/continuation fic. However, then I saw Shoichi give Zenitsu a verbal smackdown again, WHICH IS STILL GREAT, and I was like, "na-a-a-a-w, making Shoichi Zenitsu's Tsuguko was still a great idea, I love this."

--In fact, Zenitsu accepting Shoichi's criticisms as aptly painful made him more endearing to me than seeing him continually freak-out on Tanjiro.

--Speaking of making him endearing, in the manga, Zenitsu just chowed down on Tanjiro's riceball without a second thought (love those tears stuck there, that's cute). However, Ufotable made the choice to give us a quiet moment to observe Zenitsu show some redeeming qualities, recognizing the kindness Tanjiro showed him, and then making a conscious choice to amend how much advantage he's taking of Tanjiro by breaking the riceball and giving back half. This, while already wondering why this boy is carrying a demon around.

--If there is one Zenitsu scream I truly love in this episode, it is when he encounters a boar face with shiny dead eyes turning back to stare at him.

--I love how, unless you were following promo material or watching the opening and ending, you could get to this point with NO IDEA WHAT YOU WERE IN FOR. The only in-context indication of Inosuke's existence has been through Kagaya's passing comment about "five" children.

--In my case, though, in my first glimpse of Inosuke in promo material, he was holding the mask, and going by face alone, I was expecting a female seiyuu giving him a prepubescent cracking voice. When I first heard his voice I was shocked and put off, to say the least. (And then when Zenitsu pointing that same unsettling fact later, I felt it so hard.)

--As for the first verbalization, though, how much better can you get than maniacal laughter and two rounds of "PIG ASSAULT"? He got to conclude the episode with that too, what a classic.

--KYOOOOGAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII<3

[mad-hunts]

sad headcanon q’s…  // 23. does your muse tend to be hard on themselves when they do something wrong?

oh, boy, y'all are REALLY starting off strong with these sad headcanons, huh? 😔 nah... i'm just joking around with you haha. it's more than okay for you to be asking me this question about barton, and i just wanted to say thank you so much for the ask, @cxpperhead!! sooo, trust me when i say that my answer to this is going to be a bit of a complicated one. let me start off by saying that barton doesn't typically agonize over what he does to people on a daily basis because he often lacks the ability to feel guilt + remorse. or, at least, he lacks the ability to feel it on the same level that other people would. this is partially due it being canon in my verse that barton is a person with undiagnosed ASPD ( which is antisocial personality disorder, for short. though i am by no means saying that this excuses his behavior... it's just an explanation for it ) and because he has conditioned himself to not feel bad about it most of the time.

but on account of the fact that sociopaths aren't incapable of feeling emotion as some of the stigma around the disorder might want to lead people to believe, since they have actually been known to experience a broad range of emotions ( albeit they are usually thought of to be quote unquote ' shallow emotions ' ) ... there have been / are times where barton has been considerably hard on himself for thing's that he's done. he quite literally hated himself after he, in his opinion, basically sent julien to his death in order to help the joker out with one of his 'schemes.' like he would just keep on torturing himself with these thoughts of how he should've known better than to trust that man with his son and that, no, this job that they were doing was NOT ' just like any other job. ' he was just being callous at the time and didn't stop to consider the sheer cruelty that the man has within him before it was too late.

and barton felt as if he couldn't live with the pain inside of him after knowingly lying to marceline, his late fiancée, right before she died despite the fact that that was the last good thing he could give to her in his opinion: some peace of mind. and nowadays, sometimes whenever he is acting particularly cruel to his children, it's like this switch inside of him clicks on that makes him think... 'wow, i really just said that to her / him? ' or ' i swore that i would never become like wesley, but i'm acting so much like him right now, ' and barton just kind of feels this profound feeling of ugliness inside of him afterwards that makes him criticize himself to hell. because i feel like if you were to dig inside barton — not literally, but figuratively — you would find that he does in fact have a heart but it's just so cold inside sometimes that it seems like it never generates any warmth.

barton, and you may see this as surprising for reasons that i honestly couldn't blame you for because he is demented and intentionally malevolent to those around him, also questions himself a LOT at night whenever he can't escape from his thoughts. he commits these super heinous crimes on a daily basis, after all, and sometimes it makes him really loathe not having the distraction of noise around him due to the fact that this is the time period in which he will really beat himself up about things. and i mean things not just in relation to the bigger parts to his wrongness but also in response to things like someone else treating him poorly, which he perceives as his fault, because he believes he deserved it. he also wants everything to be perfect even though that's literally an unattainable goal, so whenever he feels like he's failed one of his loved ones or abandoned them / betrayed them, especially for nothing... he has pretty unspeakable thoughts about himself if i'm being honest.

and this may all occur in the midst of him simultaneously feeling this deep emptiness because of just how different his life had turned out to be than what he imagined it as a child. but of course, his bad behavior now can't and shouldn't be excused by his upbringing, because that would imply that he wouldn't have to take responsibility for his actions. which he very much does. i just feel like barton's brain works in such a complex way sometimes, that not even he knows whether he's going to feel bad about something, or not. his sense of guilt is extremely stunted if not almost completely gone and so it's just like... kind of unpredictable, you know? but he knows that some sort of remorse related to whenever he does something wrong / him thinking very bad thoughts about himself will pop up because a part of him desires to not be doing this. and as a result, he kind of secretly craves punishment for everything wrong that he's done.

but anyhow, i hope that this was an insightful answer and that i was able to explain how barton's sense of guilt / remorse surrounding things he's done wrong in a way that makes it a little easier to understand how his brain works. because it honestly is pretty complicated, i'm not gonna lie, and i sometimes feel like i don't know how to articulate it myself even though i'm the one who's writing him (,: so yeah! thanks again for the ask, @cxpperhead!!

[idiopathicsmile]

🔎 A song you can't stop analyzing :)

from a music ask meme, here.

i already mentioned Dessa, but hell, i'll do it again.

every time i listen to mineshaft 2, i love the song, but i get this slightly unsettled feeling because i'm not a hundred percent sure what she wants the listener to get from it.

like, on the face of it, this is a story about a woman trying to get past a romantic relationship that has ended and that hurt her a lot, and ultimately deciding the thing she has to do is forgive her ex and quit carrying around her anger at him. which, like, fine, that's a perfectly good moment to build a song around.

but the song itself—man, i don't know.

first of all, in gesturing in the beginning at the ways her ex hurt her, she (inadvertently? purposely?) makes a really good case for cutting this fucker out of her life once and for all, forgiveness be damned. like, the whole first verse:

Fifteen years from tonight you have to make a decision The greatest love of your life Is gonna call during dinner From the home of the girl that he's living with now And the guilt he'll say is killing him He's wilted in the middle and he knows how bad he acted Knows he can't have you back But the fact is he can't be happy when you're angry And you're so angry, he says you stayed so mad And he heard it on the street that You moved back in with your dad That you were drinking something awful And that makes him sad Then he says it's good to hear your voice again And that it's hard to ask it, but he's calling with a question He's been working real hard, he's trying to make a new start An honest to God fresh beginning So maybe you could try to finally find it in your heart to forgive him

Like, a guy who reacts to knowing he's done you wrong by super playing up how ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE he feels, oh, he's so guilty, he's in such emotional pain about it, almost like he's trying to make you feel bad for him. About his guilt. That he has because he (admittedly!) treated you badly.

and something about the line "he says you stayed so mad" makes me very uneasy, like he's manipulating the whole situation so that really he's the victim here. oh and he's criticizing your living situation purely out of Concern. and then gosh hey, here comes his actual ask, after telling you that you're so mad at him, he just wants a little absolution.

just. everything about this feels to me like a very chaotic and messy person you'd know in your early to mid twenties who maybe(???) doesn't mean any harm but also is going to pursue exactly what they want in all circumstances, any other consideration be damned, even if it means occasionally diving into your life and throwing lit matches and gasoline around.

then we get the refrain, which is an obvious reference to the first mineshaft song, ("i've been here before and i know where it goes / it goes down") which i think in that context refers mostly to her depression. in mineshaft the first, she refers to the end of a relationship as "and when i lost you, i lost some good love and a hand to bite."

but now it's

You've already been here before You already know where it goes You chose this, you know it's supposed to be over

but what is "it"? the song is largely about a relationship that has fallen apart, so is she saying she needs to separate herself from her feelings—both good and bad—about her ex? is she saying she needs to stop falling for his shit and getting hurt again?

we continue:

He hung up the phone, you listened to the dial tone And you stared at the stove until the beeping started You read some love letters some threats and some you couldn't tell apart That you keep under the bed at the apartment

her ex wrote her threatening notes? maybe that's a metaphor. but not being able to distinguish a threat from a love letter, that feels like a giant red flag about the kind of person she's dealing with.

now the speaker starts to turn the blame on herself:

And then you did what he asked you to do you opened your heart up Right there on a napkin on the carpet and part of it was frostbit But you've always been a smart kid Could still distinguish, the blood black as pitch Valves had gone stiff, veins and scar tissue Four chambers just a standard issue But none had room, forgiveness is huge And you had two full of ice water One full of salt, one packed with coal Eager and ready and willing to find fault

and maybe that's supposed to be the thrust of the song, right, that she's saying, 'see, i painted him in this terrible light because i'm bitter and judgmental, that first part was me being an unreliable narrator, listen to this part instead.'

but i'm not sure i buy that? i found her earlier description hard to get past. it felt convincing. maybe she is holding a grudge against her ex, but honestly some amount of grudge seems deserved in this case. also, we've gotten a taste of how manipulative her ex can be, tearing her down right before invoking good times ("Then he says it's good to hear your voice again") and asking for that favor. i mean, he tells her she "stayed so mad" and then she seems to kind of go, "well, he's right."

the speaker's solution is to find her younger, ten-year-old self (the "you" she addresses at the beginning when she says "Fifteen years from tonight you have to make a decision"), and "borrow" that child's heart so she can "call an old friend and I can tell him that we're finally even".

but again, i don't know:

You chose this, you know it's supposed to be over I've been here before And I already know where it goes You chose this, you know it's supposed to be over

that refrain feels so ominous to me. the imagery of finding her best self and trading hearts feels ominous. the concept of approaching this person who we know has manipulated (and threatened?) her, armed only with the heart of the child version of herself—it makes me nervous.

i will admit i am carrying my own baggage into this, and in my case, my early twenties dating relationship that really damaged me was one where when it was over, i made the conscious choice to cut the person from my life. maybe every five years, i google this individual so i can be sure we aren't living in the same city. that's it.

but i also have a tendency to hold a grudge, especially against people who hurt others on purpose. maybe the speaker is on a different path from me. maybe she is doing better to invoke her younger self? maybe "it" in "it's supposed to be over" is her anger, specifically?

maybe the ambiguity is the point? esteemed Dessa scholars of tumblr, if anyone wants to weigh in here, you are more than welcome.

[aotopmha]

Final Fantasy XIV thoughts:

Hermes (Fandaniel/Amon).

The criticism for Hermes from people who say they've struggled with mental illness themselves and then proceed to be extremely dismissive or condescending towards people who are struggling with mental illness and do relate to him and understand him makes me sad.

(Just yesterday I saw a comment from someone who said they went through mental illness themselves that said anyone who thinks Hermes is a good depiction of depression is probably 'crazy' themselves because that's what FF14 fans are according to them.)

Mental illness is so often mocked and looked down upon even by those who have gone through it, for whatever reason this might be (for a few examples, perhaps forgetting the struggle they had themselves, or maybe the anger/unhappiness of still having to deal with it in the first place).

Not all characters are going to be relatable to everyone and I think there will be disagreements on how well or how badly a theme or topic is handled in a story, but this particular disagreement strikes me as fascinating because this is the exact kind of dismissiveness of mental health that I think the story criticises.

Part of the reason everything that happened, happened was because the ancients were really bad at being considerate of feelings.

Meteion ended up being an empath because Hermes was an empath.

And Hermes cared deeply for life.

And needing to kill life in his job is what slowly screwed him up, too.

He couldn't find connection in front of him, so he created another being just to fulfill his wish of finding it in space. He created another being with feelings he used for selfish reasons.

And mental illness doesn't exclude you from consequences. It shouldn't be an excuse to hurt other people.

And all of these elements, as someone who has struggled with mental health, as well, I can relate to and understand.

"Why is he so annoying?"

"Why won't he stop being sad, although he's at this high ranking job?"

"Why won't he get over his sadness and pain of killing other living beings?"

This is exactly the attitude the story criticises and in turn is some of the criticism I see directed at Hermes and from there in turn is criticism directed at many struggling with mental illness irl.

People say they really care about those who struggle with mental illness until they don't.

When those who struggle become frustrating/an inconvinience, many just turn on them anyway because "they're whiny" or "it's not that bad".

So to me Hermes is a fantastic depiction of what being dismissive of mental health (and lack of peer review, actually) looks like and can end up looking like.

Because, above all, mental illness traps you in your own mind and often does make things seem worse than they are, too.

It's a closed cycle that can only be mitigated by other perspectives, other people genuinely supporting you. This is why simply talking to other people saves so many and isolation leads to many tragedies.

This is why the Blasphemies spread so strongly and you can't save everyone from becoming one.

In my own struggle I also didn't need anyone telling me 'how wonderful the world is, actually' – I needed to be told that it was horrible, but you can forge on anyway.

And that's what was effective about Endwalker's conclusion to me.

I think the story saying that you aren't alone in your suffering is great, too, but the detail that yes, the world sucks, but instead of burying the issue to "make you feel better", the dark feelings are acknowledged, is what I really liked.

Validation and acknowledgement is what truly lead to me getting better.

And if things truly reach the lowest point, where you truly have nothing left, the memory of the good times with those you loved or even just the smallest moments of good still live on within you, for you to find new ones in the future.

"The sorrow of a thousand, thousand worlds weighs heavy. And yet you can walk on."

All of this said, the final detail I'd like to talk about is the karmic cycle of the rebirth of Hermes.

Hermes, Amon and Fandaniel all reach one singular nihilistic viewpoint: nothing matters, so it all must go away. Just like Meteion.

This happens with every incarnation, so I think it's kind of a fascinating cycle that has been built here of a soul looking for peace and closure.

And this cycle is finally broken when Hermes acknowledges he has hurt Meteion and for the first time truly connects with her on an emotional level.

He didn't see what was in front of him all along, but now that he did, he finally found the connection he so wished for.

This is, of course, not literally happening because at this point Hermes is long dead, but this is the reason why his words so often make me tear up whenever I rewatch the scene with his message to Meteion.

I actually wasn't initially too big on Hermes, either because I thought just a tad too little time was spent to exploring him, but subsequent revisits of the Endwalker story really warmed me up to his character.

As said, right now I feel like his story ended up being really satisfying.

But I'd also like to validate anyone who didn't find Hermes to be well-written or effective. You're not crazy or wierd or whatever else anyone might call you because of disliking or liking a fictional character, especially if you have struggled with mental illness yourself because the character of Hermes is exactly about this and views can absolutely differ with a topic like this.