#Calvin.txt

[canis-constellate]

we have a lot of feelings and thoughts about the whole "if you're getting triggered/forming new headmates because of the stress of syscourse, stop engaging in syscourse" thing that essentially boils down to "our existence as a spiritual gateway collective with DID is inherently seen as syscourse, and no matter how many tags we have blocked and how many blocking sprees we go on, there are still people who find our blogs and see fit to send hate anons telling us that 'endos aren't real' (and, in the case that happened yesterday, misgendering us while doing so), so 'disengaging with syscourse' isn't really an option for us, no matter how many people who suggest it", but we worry that people would just tell us we Aren't Trying Hard Enough

[dolphinrostrums]

don't you love it when you have so much anger in your chest that it feels like you're breathing into magma but you have 0 energy to word it so you just have to sit there and seethe because you're too tired to vent the frustration and rage

[sadboyclvb]

i relate to five because i too feel like a 58 year old man who’s 100% done with everyone’s shit and addicted to caffeine stuck in a kid’s body

[nihilisticindiekid]

*blows a kiss in the general direction of paris* for eliott demaury

[tarot-of-the-stars]

how do i create a carrd i ask for the fifth time this week

i want to ask an introject from a system i don't know if they're from the same source as me because i think we are but that seems like overstepping boundaries but also wack dude what if there's another

if that person sees this i hope they respond lol

[scolippi]

i’m an utterly disappointing person T_T

[canis-constellate]

if you say you're pro endo because "endos just don't remember their trauma/don't understand what counts as trauma and are ACTUALLY traumagenic" then you're not pro endo btw. like that's just another form of fakeclaiming, even if it's not directly "endos don't exist"--worse, you're essentially saying "endos don't ACTUALLY exist, they just think they do because they don't understand/remember their trauma, but *I* do. they're wrong about their own experiences". you're claiming that you know what somebody went through and what's actually happening in their mind instead of just, yknow, believing them. you may not be saying they aren't actually plural, but you are saying you know them and their minds better than they know themselves, and that what they believe they experienced doesn't actually exist/can't actually happen and that you know better than them about their own life.

[canis-constellate]

getting Hunter to add me to the frequent fronter directory because even though i've only been here for (checks watch) three days? four? i've been fronting so much that i count. and also it has something to do with Caxton idk

[canis-constellate]

our collective is slowly (very slowly) being taken over by cat boys. (/silly)

first, it was Oakley. which, like, okay, one guy. cool.

then it was Matty and Dave, who both split off of Oakley. whatever, Oakley was their genitor anyway, makes sense why they'd also be cats. and then Inti, who also split off of Oakley.

and then Caxton happened, and we were like "huh, weird, but he's a factive of a cat furry (even if we barely know his source) so it's w/e"

and now Calvin. who has no "reason" to be a cat (and we know hy doesn't need a reason but hush). and is one anyway.

now, tbf, Oakley did form nearly two years ago. and Calvin formed two days ago. but the brain's inclination (because this is the brain rather than some other mechanism, eg walk-ins; these are all headmates that either split off of Oakley or formed out of thought matter for DID reasons) towards cat guys is becoming more and more apparent

[canis-constellate]

anyways.

[dolphinrostrums]

i should be allowed to fucking kill people i fcking swear i'm going to start murdering. i am full of hatred and rage

[dolphinrostrums]

Oh boy, all of the protectors are coming out of the woodwork, huh

(- Caxton and Calvin and Twitch and Carmen and Max and Goodboy?? I guess?? Counts as a protector of some sort??? I mean it's here and it's upset and it did originally form due to fear/trauma from Specific Thing, so it makes sense I suppose???))

[canis-constellate]

[id in alt text. link to context]

mmm yeah i getcha, i get what you mean. the first like. "iteration" of the collective (the Virspace kids) are adaptive/piesigenic, but the main collective that's "in control" (Yhine/Astrus Nives) are highly spiritual, so our specific experience with it is like.

not only do we end up getting targeted by anti-endos (as a spiritual collective [with DID]), whether for being spiritual or for being a pro-endo "DID collective" (in quotes bc semantics, DID is a modifier on our current plurality, even if it may have made it easier for this iteration to actually form, and is not our current plurality in of itself), but we also see ostensibly pro-endo folks:

using the mention of spiritual plurality in the DSM as a "gotcha" against anti-endos without actually learning about the vast and varied experiences of spiritual plurality

acknowledging briefly that spiritual plurality exists, but then psychologizing common phenomena/experiences that tend to be more common in spiritual and metaphysical plurality than in other forms (eg., metaphysically-based soulbonds, systemhopping ("introjecting another system's headmate while the headmate in that system goes temporarily dormant"), gateway collectives having their "headspace" be another separate world ("you're just severely dissociated from the Real World, and so think your headspace is real when it's actually all in your head"), etc)

outright saying they don't believe certain experiences more commonly had by spiritual and metaphysical plurals (again, systemhopping, gateway collectives)

outright saying they don't believe in spiritual plurality entirely ("gateway systems DNI, that's impossible" - yes, that is a thing we have seen from someone who was otherwise apparently pro-endo)

not to mention that both anti-endos and pro-endos will often see CDDs, and any form of disordered plurality, as a wholly psychological experience (as in, if you have a CDD, your plurality is seen as inherently psychological by others). very rarely do we see a non-spiritual collective recognize that not all folks with a CDD will see their plurality through a psychological lens. we often feel that we have to downplay our spirituality to talk about our DID, and downplay our DID to talk about our spirituality, in order to be taken seriously as either.

and because of all of that, we can't avoid syscourse even in pro-endo spaces. our existence as a spiritual hivemind with DID is often seen as contradictory in someway, and as inherently a syscourse topic even by some pro-endos. which Really Fucking Sucks.

[canis-constellate]

... i think we have a fragment who fronts solely to run our userbox blog. our internal voice turns all peppy and high-pitched and we automatically type with properly capitalized words. sometimes others of us can get a few in (i did a few last night and earlier today) but the vast majority are done by this??? random disembodied voice???

[canis-constellate]

just went on a blocking spree through anti en/do tags because we keep Seeing Shit Takes today and it turns out it's been way longer since we last did this. oh man

[dolphinrostrums]

incredibly specific but ok

(- 🐈‍⬛🍂)