#Chosen Few Festival 2020

[spinef0ryou]

Interview with Ville Valo in Metal Hammer magazine, words by Alexander Milas. Transcript under the cut

It’s a gloomy November evening in London and inside the crystalline bowels of the Universal Music tower there are dark goings-on under a winter moon. An arcane gathering of power-brokers, decision makers, and tastemakers, has convened to hear the first, dulcet tones of a new record in its entirety - a lyrical and melodious exsanguination called Neon Noir. Less an album, the subject of tonight’s attention is more like a swan song played in reverse or a departed loved one’s voice playing in the wind. We’ll get to that.

There are no robes here, such vestigial ornaments long since done away with to provide anonymity on public transportation, but the importance of these proceedings is in no way diminished. This is how the music industry in all its mysterious dealings determines where and when its various powers are to be invoked - an Illuminati-like network of aligned hands is this rogues' gallery of journalists, label managers and festival promoters. Even the helmswoman of the gazette you hold in your verv hands can be seen lurking in the shadows.

At the centre of the dim chamber stands a lone, flat-capped figure, his chiselled visage peculiarly, vampirically unchanged by the many years since he first graced the cover of an international publication such as this, and let it be said that he was never a stranger to these folios.

If anything can be said of Ville Valo's appearance it's that he could teach anyone half his age a thing or two about self-presentation - and, for the record, they'd be 23 at time of publication. Svelte, casually besuited and elegantly understated in his attire - all different hues of black, obviously - he's been affably chatting with the gathered conclave with such fluidity and confidence that anyone would think it's something he does every day, and anyone who knows his incongruous penchant for reclusiveness when off the stage would suspect that maybe he's changed since we saw him last.

For the record, he does not, and he has not. Ten long years have passed since His Infernal Majesty's final release, the career summation that was 2013's Tears On Tape, and it has been five years since Him played their final note on the second of two sold-out nights at the London Roundhouse in December of 2017. Their concluding song was the aptly chosen, syrupy dirge of When Love And Death Embrace, and the mortuary pallor of its refrains couldn't have been better matched to the forlorn mood of that distinctly funereal moment.

For many, it was a farewell to one of life's few constants: Him were less like a band and more like a comforting gothic world to those who fell prey to its blackened enchantments, and as if further affirmation is needed, no one in the field of music has since emerged to even remotely fill the heartagram-shaped hole left in Ville's wake. As the lights in the venue went up to reveal no shortage of streaked mascara, it would have been impossible to surmise whether we'd ever hear from Ville again - such was the finality of that tour and the deathly vibe of that night.

More desolate still was the long silence that ensued after the 26-year adventure he spearheaded under an iconic banner designed by his own hand. Eight records, ten million sales and countless fans getting heartagram tattoos of variable quality were the tallies of Ville's musical ledger.It was over. Him was dead. Their founder was gone. And then, quietly, headless blooms began to flank his headstone.

First came the news that he was blowing off the cobwebs to undertake a tour of Finland to record and perform songs by the late, beloved Finnish singer-songwriter Rauli 'Badding' Somerjoki, with Somerjoki's old band, Agents. The project smashed the charts in Finland before they eventually disbanded.

More silence followed until March 2020, when an unheralded EP was released under a new banner, VV complete with an updated reimagining of the famed heartagram. A portent of what was to come, Gothica Fennica Vol. 1 was far from alien to anyone familiar with Him's long-established sound, but it also bore the hallmarks of a songwriter unbound by the restraints of collaboration or co-writing. As the world smouldered, it was a hopeful omen that perhaps not everything had been lost to the pandemic.

We retreat from the listening session to a quieter room to shine to shine a neon light on the story of the rebirth and toil that followed, a res-erection-

Ville shoots a look as if to say, 'You're not gonna write that, are you?' Well…

“‘Promo tours are like Bullet-point for my Valentine.”

Ville has sunk into his armchair, a body deflated. We've just been talking about the sometimes less-than-rock'n'roll demands of album promotion, and how while just 10 years have passed since Him's final release, a lifetime of change in the industry's inner workings has followed. It's Thursday and Ville's already done the rounds in Berlin this week, plus a big photo session, too - rumour has it that a smoke machine for a cover shoot triggered a confrontation with security here yesterday. Whoever the photographer was that bolted the door shut so the shoot could continue remains a mystery at the time of going to press.

But despite Ville's tiredness after two days of media-based pokes and prods and his first international flight in five years, he's still exhibiting a remarkably playful way with words: the product of voracious reading and self-confessed Anglophilia that can make it easy to forget this is his second language, although as we'll soon discover there are some words that resist translation.

We're reflecting on how many times he's appeared in the pages of Metal Hammer. I produce a photo from many years gone by, taken by Mick Hutson. It's Ville, looking like a goth deer caught in headlights, sitting in the back of a limo between the late Dimebag Darrell and Mötley Crüe's Nikki Sixx on his way to the Metal Hammer Golden God awards. He smirks.

"It was a playground, wasn't it?" he says of the Ville of yore. "Oh my god, that was a weird one. I remember Dimebag - he'd been up all night, and there's me stuck in the middle. I gave my Golden God award to Zakk Wylde's daughter. He told me she was a huge fan and I'd had a sip too many, so…”

And let it be said that by the time Him went stratospheric - a runway stretching between 2000's Razorblade Romance and 2003's definitive Love Metal - there were few publications that weren't peppering their pages with images of Ville. photogenic but, more importantly, hilarious, his wry and dismissive self-regard tempered the styled polish of his many covershoots. In a time when emo was king, Ville brought something current but gleefully out of step with fashion, musical and otherwise, but he persevered because, arguably, beyond the music he possessed that rare quality that escapes so many whose trade is on the road and in music studios. He was interesting, and Him and their legion of fans were their own movement. For a time, if you ever stood at the back of one of their sold-out shows, it looked something like Beatlemania directed by Tim Burton.

“What would you say to yourself back then?” He smiles and takes a moment before replying.

“It isn't a horror movie thing, but my oldest self has whispered to my younger self many times. You know, I could have done stuff way wiser in the sense of trying to become more successful in terms of money, listening to record companies or whatnot, because people had a damn hard time trying to figure out what we were all about. I wouldn't do anything differently because then I wouldn't be here - that's the beauty of it."

And, tracing the course of what Ville did, what he's doing now, there's little to suggest that anything has changed in terms of his resistance to the common methods of self-promotion. In a time of compulsive micro-blogging and algorithm-feeding content, the official 'Heartagram' Instagram account posts at roughly the same rate as the Vatican. Be it about the preservation of mystery or a refusal to play the game, let it never be said that he didn't do it his way.

“I’m a slow learner. I only learned about the eggplant emoji yesterday! But as for those whispers, it's something to do with the nonlinearity of time," he continues. "I had some foresight to the pandemic, though, and found myself a house with a photography studio which I turned into a music studio. It's one big room that enabled me to spread around all the weird pieces of kit from all eras - sort of my creative central. During the pandemic, that's all I did. There was no rhyme or reason, I just thought it was time to move on and do something different. It could have been my older self whispering to my younger self in the middle of the night, like, 'Now's a good time. You'll understand it better in a few years.' So yeah, it could be one of those things."

We notice a white wall in the corridor is covered in dozens of Sharpie signatures from fellow artists who’ve passed through. Some are small, while pop groups Bastille and Westlife have gone big with huge cubital letters. Unimpressed, Ville reaches for a glow-in-the-dark V sticker from his breast pocket and wryly sticks it up at the top. Always a rebel.

Was it hard to decide which direction to go in after Him?

“Musically, I'm a pair of bell-bottoms," he says. "If you want to follow hits, you're always going to be too late. Music and art is essential for my wellbeing, it's the air that I breathe - it's natural for me, but at times I've felt like a human among the lizard people, an infiltrator from another galaxy. The only thing I can do is the thing I can do."

Of course, it raises the question of how VV and indeed Neon Noir came about. That Ville has always presided over every detail of his music is no secret - there's never been a doubt as to whose vision it all was, and the ending of Him is just as important as the beginning we're here to discuss. As anyone who's seen the end of a relationship will know, the signs of impending demise can appear long before the cracks emerge, and the conclusion of Him was no different. To paraphrase a singer named BB on the prologue to VV, the thrill was gone...

"Expiration is funny when it comes to bands," he says matter-of-factly. Whatever wounds may have been inflicted, they have long since closed, and he's at ease when prompted on what went down.

"It didn't happen overnight - we'd started having trouble after Tears On Tape. Gas (Lipstick] had left the band and we found a new drummer, which was fantastic for a time, but we just couldn't find it in ourselves - a new album. We started working on ideas, but they didn't sound very good. The adult way to approach things is that if it's something you really do love, you have to love them enough to let them go when the right moment comes. The spark was no longer there, so timing-wise, it was good - I wouldn't have minded it to happen a little earlier because now I see the end of my own career in the distance. I never wanted it to feel like a job. You'll see bands touring where it quite clearly is. Something so central needs to be full of passion and laughter and joy and tears - dramatic, like a pint of milk."

Dairy funny. Have you been in touch with the guys since then, we ask?

"I haven't been in touch with Gas in more than 10 years," comes the reply. "And Linde [Mikko 'Linde' Lindström, guitarist] is quite a solitary fellow who's not a big talker anyway. But Mige [Mikko 'Mige' Paananen, bassist] was a bit of a Rick Rubin on the album. He was like this weird guru that came by every three months and gave me a stamp of approval, like, 'Yeah, this is fine.' He's one of my earliest childhood friends and one of my best mates still, so we keep in touch - that's rare. It's been 35 years or something..."

It was that relationship that provided something of the lifeline that Ville needed. He describes the feeling after Him's final show as something akin to phantom limb syndrome, where amputees report sensation in appendages that are no longer there.

"I felt like an outsider, an outcast," he says. "[I felt like] I didn't understand myself, and that the world doesn't understand me or that I didn't belong. It's a profound feeling, you know, to existentially feel that you don't understand the world or your place in it. Funnily enough, how I got through that was writing. The pandemic really painted everyone into a corner. I wasn't suicidal, but there was a tinge of depression as well, not seeing tomorrow or the worth of the day after tomorrow. People reacted in different ways. I forced myself back to music, and music gave me the gift of song once again. I was able to pull off a couple of Sabbath rip-offs, so that made me feel better. That was a big deal."

Ville will go on to animatedly recount how the loss of purpose and trajectory coupled with the worldwide shutdown was in some sense the perfect reset post-Him, and while he hit a very low ebb, it was precisely the kind of downtime he needed and hadn't had since Him's formation when he was just a teen.

"There was no scheduling, nobody to communicate with about what I was working on, so it was very unfiltered intuition, straight to tape or whatever recording medium, and I found myself having goosebumps like I'd never had before. Well..." his eyes impishly go to the ceiling, "musically, at least. I'm scared of stuff being really repetitive - it's nice to enjoy a binge watch on Netflix, but you're never gonna get the time back. That doesn't mean, 'Don't do it! But enjoy the now, take advantage of the time. That's what we'll be doing when we go on tour with the band next year, challenging myself to do lots of things and not step into a sort of zombified existence. People are so distracted…”

At the beginning of the Divine Comedy, the main character - Dante Alighieri's Pilgrim - wrote of finding himself in a dark wood halfway through the walk of life; the straight path, lost. It was a roundabout way of describing the confusion that can come with middle age, but in his mid-4os and with the deep shadows and brilliant highlights of an illustrious career in the rear-view mirror, I wonder aloud if the same could be said of the current predicament.

Dante's come up because, as is often the case with Ville, the subjects of language and literature are never far away. I ask him to elaborate on that tinge of depression he's mentioned, and he says one thing. and lets it hang in the air: "Kaiho."

Sorry?

"Kai-ho," he says again, slowly. It's a Finnish word, he explains, that defies direct translation but describes the twist of emotions he was detangling in the wake of a lifetime on the road and in the limelight. "It isn't a negative feeling. It's a bittersweet reverie. I think Finnish people find it profoundly positive as well, because it also means that you have lived, you have loved and that you experience things that actually make a difference, at least to you personally, hopefully, for the people around you."

Did you struggle?

"I had a month where I didn't get out of bed," he states.

"Around that long, at least. I was pretty worried about it. I forced myself up and back to music through conversations with mates, you know, getting my spirits up a bit, but it was a weird feeling. It's not like you can't get up. You just don't want to get up. You don't want to do anything and you can't really do anything: just super-tired, some form of post-traumatic stress after all the years. It could be that it took a while for it to hit, and it coincided with a pandemic. I wasn't able to do anything, so my body and my mind told me to get the sleep I missed back in the day. Thankfully I slept it off, but life doesn't get any easier. It's getting more complicated, more bittersweet - a tough combo. A pint half full, half empty…”

Of course, the wrought-iron melody of Neon Noir's various paeans to love and loss wouldn't seem correct if they came from a place of emotional buoyancy, but if the slump Ville describes really was just making up for lost sleep-time, he's making no bones about his desire to get back to work.

"I'm not thinking about the end, but what I do realise is that, thinking in logical terms, it's going to be really weird if I'm 60 and still in it, which means that I have less than that in terms of album cycles. It starts to get a bit scary because I've done music all my life, but then again, thinking like that makes me smile."

So how does a 46-year-old's vision of love change from, say, a 20-year-old's?

"Well, maybe we haven't had that 'one true love' in the traditional sense in Shakespearean drama: the overwhelming one that takes over everything. You can't compare relationships and you shouldn't - different times, different people, different chemistry, different reasons. Music is still at its best when it's a soundtrack to important events."

So how does Neon Noir reflect your own life?

"It's very sincere - it encapsulates things. The indecisiveness on whether I belong to the camp of Black Sabbath or Depeche Mode, the constant struggle with good and evil. Run Away From The Sun is the first song I wrote and I didn't know if I had a song in me at all, but I had to start from somewhere. I had all these ideas. I started to do it and follow my intuition. I wasn't in a rush, I had no deadlines - I didn't even know if I was going to continue, and that was the most fruitful ground, because it felt real and unadulterated by pressure…”

As new as it all is for Ville, there are some things that have remained unchanged, or perhaps present is a better word. The heartagram was, after all, the gothic bat-signal of the early 00’s onward...

"It was everything Him stood for," he says. "I just wiggled that one line and realised it has my initials, and that was the reason I called the project VV, and I liked that it had a 'V for Victory' kinda vibe to it, and visually it had the traditional aspect to it, a current iteration of the same idea. It's symbolic, because I didn't want to force myself to take a completely different route musically. I'm not an actor, and Him all happened very organically. I was finding my voice, or whatever you want to call it, through Type O and Black Sabbath back then, and I still am."

From the mood in the room it's a welcome return indeed. It seems that for the first time in a lifetime he's found his path -with the help of a little neon to hold back the darkness.

LIGHTS OUT

Ville Valo reveals the dark secrets behind new album Neon Noir

01: ECHOLOCATE YOUR LOVE

"I was enjoying a documentary on the navigational skills of bats and imagined their nocturnal courting calls bouncing eerily between the walls of the abyss in a gothic ping pong-fashion. To make sure I was communicating this musical vision clearly, I included a cowbell in the middle eight, just because whenever one can, one should."

02: RUN AWAY FROM THE SUN

"The light at the end of the tunnel can sometimes shine so bright it’s scary, and my running-away skills have been highly developed over the years by sweeping most of my issues under the carpet. There are also a few church bell samples ringing among all the 80s-inspired synth sequences, only to make sure the ever-fickle balance between good and evil doesn't err on the side of Skywalker."

03: NEON NOIR

“ A cheerful memento mori if there ever was one, and my first guitar solo on record. The working title was 'Vangelis Halen' and I think I managed to get fairly close in marrying the claustrophobic beauty of Blade Runner with the reckless abandon of VH, in a sort of funeral-car-crash-in-slow-motion-type setting.”

04: LOVELETTING

“ An ode to the setting sun and a tale of dancing on the razor's edge between holding on and letting go. A moribundle of joy in a patchouli garden, with handclaps."

05: THE FOREVERLOST

"The Finnish tourism board should definitely include ‘Nyctophile Shangri-La' as a tagline promoting Finland from now on instead of the worn-out Santanic slogans of yore. A menace-à-trois between Andrew Eldritch, Jaz Coleman and Peter Hook.”

06: BABY LACRIMARIUM

“Quite a traditional love song written by someone who takes the Poe in poetry a wee bit too seriously. A study on blocked tear ducts and The Cure."

07: SALUTE THE SANGUINE

"None of the ways out are easy, so taking the road less travelled is always the preferred method. 'If I could only say the same about the music,’ mutters the little Devil on my shoulder."

08: IN TRENODIA

"A world-building exercise at its bleakest, 'Trenodia' representing a highly modified utopia lit by every shade of blue, with a suitably melancholy soundtrack played at the wrong speed."

09: HEARTFUL OF GHOSTS

"Heartful Of Ghosts is essentially a heart-wrenching tale of paranormal love and supernatural betrayal. Sonically, this lies somewhere between a lava lamp and acupuncture... with fangs.”

10: SATURNINE SATURNÁLIA

"Saturnine Saturnalia is romantic doom and gloom at its very finest, and probably the most Sabbathian moment there is on the album. I dug out my Excalibur - the deranged fuzz pedal and vintage army flask-combo that Mige of Him built me many a moon ago - and tended to my tinnitus with gusto.”

11: ZENER SOLITAIRE

"Imagine if this was Phil Spector's ghost reinterpreting Goblin's soundtrack for Dario Argento's movie Suspiria in glorious lo-fi."

12: VERTIGO EYES

"When you meet someone whose eyes are as hypnotic as watching the Vertigo logo spinning on your turntable, you're either in love or your drink has been spiked. This is a nod to the ghosts of the past, present and future, and a suitably hallucinatory way to end the record."

[because-its-eurovision]

I'm working on a small ESC project atm for which I'm looking at some national finals from this season and the 2021 season. And I noticed that there used to be a lot more internal selections two years ago compared to nowadays. Do you have any idea why that was the case/ why it changed? (I know it's a really random question but I thought you'd be the best person to ask :))

There are many countries that have their established national selections that are organised every year. UMK, Melodifestivalen, MGP, DMGP, Söngvakeppnin, Eesti Laul, Supernova, Festivali i Këngës, Festival da Canção just to name a few.

Then there are those countries that try different selection methods every few years, depending on the participating broadcaster, their financial situation and if there are any established artists showing interest to be selected internally. Some examples of those are Netherlands, Belgium (with two broadcasters), Moldova, Spain, San Marino, France, Malta, Georgia, Australia and Israel. Sometimes they organise a full national final, sometimes they choose just the artist via a talent show (Malta's X Factor 2019 & 2022, Georgian Idol 2019 & 2020), and sometimes they make an internal selection.

In 2022 TRM was planning to hold a full national selection but cancelled it after the preliminary round when it became clear there was no competition for Trenulețul. San Marino's 1in360 was scrapped after only one year letting Senhit & Flo Rida to represent the country and then Una voce per San Marino was founded in 2022. Israel, Slovenia and France also got big names with Noa, Joker Out and La Zarra so organising a NF would have been a waste of everyone's time and money, and so forth. This leads to the number of national selections changing from year to year, and I must admit that I haven't been invested in the subject enough to notice any strong trends.

2021 national final season is very exceptional since it was strongly effected by the COVID-19 pandemic. As the 2020 contest got cancelled, a total of 24 countries decided to send their representative again the next year, and that lead to one-year hiatus for many established national selections. Most of those then returned again in 2022 👇

Czechia: Benny Cristo won Eurovision Song CZ 2020, was internally selected in 2021, in 2022 they had national selection ESCZ 2022 Iceland: Daði & Gagnamagnið won Söngvakeppnin 2020, were internally selected for 2021, Söngvakeppnin returned in 2022

Serbia: Hurricane won Beovizija 2020, were internally selected for 2021, in 2022 they had national selection Pesma za Evroviziju '22

Latvia: Samanta Tina won Supernova 2020, was internally selected for 2021, Supernova returned in 2022

Slovenia: Ana Soklič won EMA 2020, was internally selected for 2021, EMA returned in 2022

Australia: Montaigne won Eurovision - Australia Decides 2020, was internally selected for 2021, Australia Decides returned in 2022

Israel: Eden Alene won Rising Star 2020, was internally selected for 2021, in 2022 The X Factor Israel was used as the national selection

Romania: Roxen's entry was selected via Selecția Națională 2020, she was internally selected for 2021 as was her song, and Selecția Națională returned in 2022

Ukraine: Go_A won Vidbir 2020, was internally selected for 2021, Vidbir returned in 2022

Malta: Destiny was chosen via The X Factor 2020, internally selected for 2021, and in 2022 Malta Eurovision Song Contest was used as the national selection

[yuelianghua]

𝐍𝐇𝐊 | 𝐙𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐘𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐲𝐮𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐚 𝐆𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐀𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐙𝐈𝐏! 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐒𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐢 𝐀𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢'𝐬 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐁𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲

Actress and Singer Zhang Yingyue makes a rare appliance on TV to discuss the passing of BUCK-TICK's vocalist Sakurai Atsushi and his life as a musician in celebration of what would've been his 58th birthday.

For this episode, Yamashita Kenjiro interviews Zhang in ZIP's studio, alongside them visiting Hua Entertainment's newest office in Tokyo to go through the archives and share behind the scenes work with Sakurai.

During the interview, Zhang wore an all black velvet dress, with the same MIKIMOTO pearl necklace Sakurai wore in his photoshoot for GQ Japan, where she helped styled him. At the time of this photoshoot, Zhang was already appointed as creative director and asked by BUCK-TICK's team to style Sakurai.

"That was the one of the last few time we worked together," Zhang states when asked about the necklace, "The final time we worked was when he asked me to design their last album's cover."

Zhang reflects back at the time she and Sakurai first met in 2011, when her film Buddha Mountain was chosen to screen at Tokyo Film Festival, where she won the best actress award.

"We met through mutual friends and we kept contact until I returned to music in 2018."

At the time, Zhang was beginning her career as an international actress rather than a domestic performer in China. Her friend who's a musician happened to be friends with a few Japanese artists and through a visit at venue where BUCK-TICK performed, is where Zhang and Sakura had their encounter.

Although worlds apart, the two continued to talk and Sakurai offered support when Zhang chose to return to making music.

In 2020, Zhang and Sakurai released two singles together, titled Eve/Spring. The EP charted on Billboard Japan's Top 3 stops for March and was featured in Zhang's concerts. The two would interact again by Zhang appearing on Sakurai's radio show in October to discuss music, a month after she announced the birth of her twins.

"Going on his radio show was the best thing to do at the time," Zhang recalls, "I wanted to ease my way back to the public, but with someone I trusted."

Zhang also shared with Yamashita that Sakurai visited her home a few days after the radio show to meet the newest additions to her family. He has also been present at special events like her and her children's birthdays.

In 2023, Zhang collaborated with BUCK-TICK to design their album cover for IZORA. it would be the last time Zhang and Sakurai would collaborate together.

"It still feels surreal," she says, while looking somber staring at the album cover, "There was an idea B-T wanted me to convey and I helped in that aspect. There's now a whole new meaning to it."

The album cover features doves flying in an infinite, and a spiraling staircase with a watery reflection of the moon at the end. Many fans now interpret the cover as Sakurai's presence forever on this earth, even after death.

Zhang returned to collaborate on BUCK-TICK's Live DVD cover, which matches with IZORA's cover. This cover features the moon phase which Sakurai has passed on.

"I look back at the time I had with him as a friend with a lot of fondness, "Zhang says, "There's not a lot of people in the industry I respect, and he was one of the few I saw as a friend and someone to rely on. I have nothing but good memories of him."

When asked about dating rumors or spectulation of Sakurai's daughter signing under Zhang's Entertainment company by other guests on ZIP, she dismissed them and she would rather focus on what's important than the gossip.

Although Sakurai is no longer with us, Zhang hopes to continue working with BUCK-TICK when the opportunity comes.

"There was a lot I learned from Sakurai-san," Zhang says, "I learned to love better, to live my life in my own terms, to express myself and continue making art to heal myself and everyone around. My hope is that we all can learn from how he lived his life despite the odds being against him. I want nothing but his memory to continue on."

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Something I've thought a lot about in connection with Louis' promo, and that maybe underlies (consciously or unconsciously) some portion of people's frustration with it is that the story Louis has chosen to tell about himself for a while now has a lot of the elements and flavor of a character arc, essentially. From the high of the band, to the lows of the hiatus and what followed for him personally, to him finding himself and his self-confidence as a solo artist. I don't think there's any problem with telling that story, but the structure of a story like that suggests movement, and suggests an end. He's found his self-confidence as a solo artist, now what's the new thing he's going to do with that self-confidence. Obviously, real people's lives don't work like that, it's not like you just get over your struggles and then it's done and you move on totally, but in the telling of it as a public narrative, I can sympathize a bit with people who feel like we've been at the end of this story for a few years (I think the version of the narrative we're hearing now is more developed for sure, but not at base very different from what it was with Walls). And that makes me curious about why Louis continues to choose to tell the story that way. Is it just that that's how he still sees himself, still at the end phase of that story and not ready to move on to something new? Or, is there some part of it attributable to the pandemic? Like, this was kind of the narrative he wanted for the documentary all along, and in a non-pandemic world it would've come out in late 2020, early 2021 and served as like, a cap to the end of that personal journey so he could move on from it, except then the pandemic happened and now that's been stretched over two more years? I'm clearly just speculating, I don't know the answer, I doubt we can or will ever know the answer, but I do find it interesting to think about.

I think this is incredibly insightful anon - and a really important point.

I agree that Louis has been telling the same arc for a while now and there is something unsatisfying about it as an observer. You describe the arc very accurately - and why it's unsatisfying.

And here's what's particularly interesting to me - it's unsatisfying even though from this distance it's clear that it's reasonably true. Figuring out that he wants to do music and releasing his first singles was a step on the way. Walls was a step on the way. The livestreams were a step on the way. The tour was a step on the way. Faith in the Future was a step on the way. Everytime he's told that story he has been noticeably more confident and more sure of himself as an artist than he was before. But that doesn't make it interesting.

I don't really think this is attributable to the pandemic. If he has really planned a documentary that long, the best time to release it would always have been after touring with or after the album. There would have been one fewer round without the AWFH festival livestream - but the livestream story was much more specific anyway.

I think it's much more about the demands of promo and the difference between people's lives and stories. One of the key aspects of promo is that it requires to present your life in a tidy digestable way - a story that people can understand. A narrative of growth is a great thing to present, and because growth is very slow - it makes sense people tell it for the first time before they're anywhere near done.

Harry and Liam do similar things in their promo - they tell the same story over and over again. (I'm interested in what Niall's doing with this promo round, although I haven't caught up yet). I do think that they do so for slightly different reasons. I think Liam is actually in a loop between different sorts of behaviour - and frames one part of the loop as recovery, but is actually going through a loop over and over again. I don't know about Harry - I find it hard to believe any of it's true and think it's largely what he thinks a rockstar would be doing and feeling (but I've no idea if that's accurate). Where as I think Louis is getting more comfortable with himself. But the reasons that they're all telling this story over and over again is the demands of hte promo cycle.

I think there are two related questions that you've maybe jumped ahead of - the first is does Louis see this as a problem? And also is it a problem? I don't know the answer to either of these. I don't know how it lands outside of a very narrow selection of people who are a bit frustrated (but most understand their frustration through a different lens). A lot of artists aren't very good at telling stories about themselves, certainly not in the rapacious way that the internet demands. Louis may not have many other stories he wants to tell about himself at the moment.

I don't know the answer the two questions that began the previous paragraph - and I am interested in what other people think.

[riversofmars]

It's here, the final chapter! Can't believe it's over and feeling quite empty but also pleased with the conclusion. I hope you'll enjoy the ending!

Chapter 25: Epilogue

Liv Chenka woke up with a start, completely disoriented. She shot upright.

“Helen?!” She called into the silence of her bedroom at 107 Bakerstreet, the temporary home she shared with her fellow time travellers. They had been stuck in 2020 for quite a while now, the bedroom was a familiar sight by that point, but it was as if her mind was elsewhere, completely detached from reality.

Liv’s heart was hammering in her chest and her mind was going a hundred miles an hour. For a terrifying moment, she didn’t know where she was. Images were flashing before her eyes, remainders of a dream that wouldn’t let her go and had followed into the waking world. She squeezed her eyes shut, shook her head to rid herself of the images and slowly, the echoes faded. She could hear herself speaking but her own words made little sense to her. And there were feelings, sensations, all too real, surely more memory than dream, demanding all her senses: Soft lips pressing to hers, arms wrapped around her, holding her impossibly close, it was the smell of Helen’s perfume, she saw her face right there and her voice filled her ears, telling her she loved her. 

Liv’s eyes flew open in shock and finally, her mind returned to the here and now. It had been a dream and an incredibly vivid one at that. 

“Fuck…” the med-tech whispered to herself and rubbed her face. Her heart-beat was beginning to slow and she tried her best not to be too self-conscious about the images her subconscious mind had chosen to trouble her with. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment and guilt upon examining her body’s response to the dream. Details were fleeting, already she couldn’t remember what exactly she had dreamt about, but the image of Helen so very close to her remained. 

The feeling of guilt she experienced mixed with a dash of sadness and remorse. She had a girlfriend; even her subconscious had no business of ambushing her like this. Besides, it didn’t do to dwell on the things that could never be… It was, however, not the first time this had happened and it likely wouldn’t be the last either. Her budding relationship with Tania didn’t take away from the things she had felt for her best friend for year,s but who was so very unattainable. Lovely, beautiful, clever Helen Sinclair…

Liv sunk back into the cushions and decided to give herself a break. She knew she couldn’t influence her dreams and there was no point in beating herself up over them. There was something odd nagging at the back of her mind though. A feeling that made the fine hairs on her arms stand up. Something just didn’t feel quite right and it surely wasn’t just the guilt she felt over contemplating her feelings for her best friend when she ought to be thinking about her girlfriend instead. Something had brought this on, something… But maybe that was just wishful thinking. Something supernatural would be just the thing right about now, something to occupy them and maybe present a way of getting the TARDIS to work again…

The alarm clock on the bedside table revealed that it wasn’t even really morning yet. It was just gone 5am which was made all the more annoying by the fact that today was New Year’s Eve and she would be expected to stay up late, perhaps even join in festivities. 

Liv contemplated her options. She wasn’t sure she would be able to go back to sleep, not with how riled up she was, and she certainly needed a change of clothes as she was wet through with sweat. As she lay there for another moment, she tried to remember more of the dream. She had clearly had a strong physical reaction to it but the harder she tried to remember, the more it slipped just out of reach. It was frustrating and eventually, she gave up and swung her legs out of bed.

Perhaps a cup of tea would do the trick and reset her body and soul so she could get a few more winks.

Liv made her way to the kitchen, doing her best to avoid the creaky floorboards in the hallway that hadn’t changed since she had stayed there with Molly. The way to the kitchen wasn’t far, but Liv wasn’t sure she was quite with it yet as she thought she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. She looked around to find the corridor behind her empty. 107 Bakerstreet lay quiet. Surprisingly, even the Doctor wasn’t making a sound. He was either asleep or out.

With a sigh, she rubbed her tired eyes and shook her head to herself. She faced forward again and that time, she yelped.

“YOU ARE LIV CHENKA. YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF THE DALEKS. YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!” A Dalek screeched down the hall, advancing towards her and flashing its lights that tinted the hallway in a garish light.

“Doctor?!” Liv yelled as she inched backwards, retreating from the Dalek.

It wasn’t the Time Lord that answered. 

“Liv, what’s wrong?” 

Suddenly there were hands on her arms, grabbing her tightly. The med-tech whirled around, relieved to see her best friend but panicked nonetheless as she thought her in danger.

“Helen! I-” Liv gasped and the concerned, yet calm, look on the linguist’s face gave her pause. “I-” She couldn’t get a word out as her head flew back around. She stared at the empty space where she could have sworn she had seen a Dalek.

“What are you doing up?” Helen frowned. Her hair was tousled, she seemed to have just gotten out of bed as well.

“I uh- couldn’t sleep,” Liv stuttered, trying not to let on how dominantly her best friend had featured in her dreams and that they were largely to blame for her being up. “What are you doing up?” She tried to deflect though cast another glance down the corridor to make sure she really had just been imagining the Dalek. There had been Daleks in her dream too. Lots of them. Seeing things was never a good sign…

“Just uhm- woke up from a nightmare,” the linguist confessed, contrary to Liv’s expectation that her shouting had woken her. Since the Doctor himself hadn’t responded, it was likely he was indeed out. 

“Oh?”.

“Well, not nightmare… I mean… I’m not sure, I can’t really remember…” the linguist carried on and started walking down the corridor to the kitchen with Liv following. “But my head is killing me. I thought I’d get some painkillers if we have any.”

Inside the kitchen, she started opening drawers in the hopes of finding a hidden stash.

“Do you want me to check you over?” Liv offered, allowing her medical instincts free reign while she made for the kettle. Her intention of getting a cup of tea hadn’t changed and she hoped she could find something soothing like camomile or lavender in the cupboard. She felt like she needed it. 

“Oh gosh, no, it’s fine, it’s just a headache,” Helen waved it off. “But why were you calling for the Doctor? Did something happened?” She found an open packet of ibuprofen at the back of the cutlery drawer and pulled it out.

Liv didn’t answer her question, she didn’t want her to think her mad, so she pushed on.

“Please let me check you over.”

She set the kettle to boil, then returned to the sink where her best friend was pouring herself a glass of water. The linguist popped the pills and drank and Liv stepped closer to her. She raised her hand to Helen’s cheek and gently turned her face towards her. She looked exhausted, her eyes were bloodshot and she tried for a tired smile, accompanied by a deep breath.

“You been having these headaches long?” The med-tech questioned with a frown and her friend shook her head. 

“Just work up with them after having the strangest dreams-” Liv lost track of Helen’s answer when suddenly, she found her slumped over, dead weight in her arms. She was unconscious and Liv was carrying her. Panic clamped around the med-tech’s chest, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think- She was putting her down on the ground and starting chest compressions and-

Suddenly, Liv found herself back in the here and now, in the kitchen, holding Helen’s face. Her friend - very much alive - was looking back at her, confused by her absent state, and the med-tech pushed her fingers to her pulse point on her neck, to assure herself that her heart was beating. 

“Liv, your arms!” Helen exclaimed, drawing her full attention and she reached for her wrists, pulled her hands away and held her arms to the light. 

“W-what about them?” Liv was still dazed and followed her friend’s gaze.

“I just thought I-” Helen blinked, her panic turning to confusion. “I thought you’d cut them or-” She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut as she dropped her arms. “I’m that tired, I’m seeing things…”

And that was what made the penny drop. A thought occurred to the med-tech. 

“Have you- these dreams you had- are they still, you know… continuing? Like bleeding into reality, like you can’t shake them?” She asked slowly, trying to make sense of what she had been putting off as a symptom of exhaustion as well.

“I guess, I- Do you think there is something going on?” Helen frowned.

“I’m not sure but-” Liv reached out to check her friend’s heartbeat once more as she couldn’t push the terrifying image of her lifeless form from her mind and Helen reached for her arm in turn, checking for thus far invisible injuries. Before she could finish the thought, more images intruded on her already questioning mind. And more than images, sensations too! Euphoria and heat took her over.

Helen dropped Liv’s hand as if she’d burned herself. Her eyes were wide with shock, her cheeks flushed bright red and all Liv could do was release a shaky breath. She stared at her best friend, now sure in the knowledge they must have shared the same vision. A vision in which Liv had pushed Helen into the mattress of an unknown bed, both of them naked, and-

“I’m sure it’s nothing. Just overtired. I should go back to bed. Try and get some sleep before- It’ll be a long day, being New Year’s Eve and all-” Helen stuttered an excuse and Liv swallowed hard, nodding as she wrapped her arms around herself. 

“Yes, probably. Sleep well,” she managed to croak out and the linguist took flight.

Liv remained in the kitchen, utterly stunned. The kettle finished boiling but remained untouched as the med-tech struggled with what was happening. She ought to find the Doctor. Vivid visions such as those surely weren’t normal, particularly not shared ones… but where did they originate? If they were a product of her subconscious - which in Liv’s case could very much be the case, considering her buried affections for her best friend - why would they be seeing the same thing?

It was no use. She wouldn’t be able to go to sleep now. She didn’t think Helen was doing so either, despite what she had said, but she clearly needed space to process and Liv was overwhelmed by a feeling of guilt and frustration regarding the whole situation. Why couldn’t she be having explicit visions about her girlfriend rather than the person she knew she would never be able to call her own? 

That was a problem for a later date, for now she decided to try and find the Doctor. This involved getting dressed and heading out into the frosty early morning London.

---

The Doctor hadn’t mentioned that he would be out for the night. When Liv had gone to bed, he had been tinkering in the living room, so she wasn’t sure where he could have gotten off to. The only point of reference she really had was the TARDIS, and while she didn’t expect him to have taken it for a trip without them, it seemed like the most logical port of call. Wrapped in a big coat, hat and scarf, the med-tech headed into Regent’s Park on her way to Camden.

The cool air was doing wonders to clear her head. The dizziness and preoccupation eased with every step she took away from Bakerstreet and she was beginning to feel a little better. Perhaps it had just been a fluke thing, exhaustion getting the better of them and their minds playing tricks. After all, she couldn’t be sure Helen had indeed had the same sort of vision she had… 

Suddenly, Liv knocked into someone.

“Oh, sorry!” She exclaimed, mortified, stumbling back. “That was my fault, I was in thought.” She looked up to a tall blonde woman who didn’t seem angry, just perhaps a little dazed herself.

“That’s alright, no harm done,” she replied with a smile but her gaze lingered, she paused as if she was going to say more but didn’t. She looked the med-tech up and down and Liv frowned as well at the strange sense of familiarity she felt all of a sudden.

“Do I- Do we know each other?” She asked, puzzled.

“I think I would remember that…” The other woman replied slowly but she didn’t seem all that certain.

“My mistake. Sorry,” Liv tried to shake herself out of the moment. She ought to get on with finding the Doctor. ”Have a good day.”

“Thank you,” the blonde answered and the med-tech nodded a goodbye. She turned to leave but the other woman reached for her arm as if she had thought better of it. “Thank you, Liv. Really. Thank you. For everything.”

Liv looked back around, stunned, and utterly confused by how she could possibly know her name but it was the blonde that turned to leave now, hurrying away before she could stop and question her. 

“What the hell is going on?” Liv mumbled to herself and suddenly, a voice sounded behind her:

“What indeed.”

She jumped.

“Doctor!” She exclaimed when she realised who the voice belonged to. Her Time Lord friend was giving her an affectionate smile.

“Couldn’t sleep?” He questioned as he gave her a once over. “Neither could I.”

“You don’t sleep anyway,” she retorted dryly and he waved it off.

“Perhaps not but that’s beside the point,” he shrugged. “I think I died.”

“What?” Liv stared at him. 

“I had a dream. Premonition. Vision. Whatever you want to call it,” he explained. “Have you?”

“I think so,” the med-tech answered slowly as she considered her experience since waking up.

“Then we best keep an eye on that. I’ve been out looking for explanations but nothing as yet…” He hummed thoughtfully, then turned more chipper: “How about breakfast?”

“Are you not at least a little bit concerned about what’s going on?” Liv countered, bewildered by his lack of concern.

“Of course I am and I can’t wait for trouble to find us. I’m afraid this is going to be a wait and see situation,” he gave back and she rolled her eyes:

“Great, love those.”

“Come on, let’s get croissants and surprise Helen,” he smiled, waving her along as he set off down the path. “Celebrate the last day of the year in style. Strange thing experiencing days in chronological order. There is a certain charm to it.”

“If you say so…” Liv shook her head to herself in amusement.

---

“Doctor?!“ Liv shouted over the racket of falling picture frames and shaking furniture. 107 Bakerstreet shook with a violent tremor. She swore under her breath when the tea she had just made spilled over her fingers. Quickly, she dropped the mug into the sink and pushed her hand under running water.

The day had been thoroughly uneventful since the odd start to the morning and she had hoped it could carry on like it. She wasn’t exactly keen on indoor fireworks that disturbed the peace.

“You don’t have to shout, Liv, I'm right here. What is it?“ The Doctor stuck his head into the kitchen and made her jump. She hadn’t expected him to appear as promptly.

“I wasn’t trying to get your attention, I was reprimanding you. What sort of experiments are you doing now? That explosion shook the whole house!“ She snapped and turned the tap off, examining her hand with the medical concern befitting her profession.

“Not guilty, your Honour,“ the Doctor answered with a frown and held his hands up defensively. "That wasn't me.“ 

“What, seriously?“ The med-tech looked back to him, incredulous. The Time Lord had carried out many a dangerous experiment while attempting to find a way to get the TARDIS to work again. Combined with the fact that they had given him a chemistry set for the Christmas just passed and that fireworks were called for, he had seemed the likely culprit.

“I was just coming to ask you the same thing. I thought you might have blown up the oven in an attempt to cook,“ he retorted and she rolled her eyes at him, unable to tell whether he was teasing or genuinely asking. While Liv was no whiz in the kitchen, she hadn’t blown it up yet. 

“Very funny,“ she huffed, sarcastically, and was about to give him a piece of her mind but never got the chance.

“Doctor? Liv?“ Helen’s voice carried from the living room, interrupting them. Her tone was unsettled and gave her friends pause. Exchanging a quick glance of concern, the Doctor and Liv hurried to join her. 

“What is it?“ Liv asked, spotting her best friend by the window, her face tinted in an orange light that shone in from outside. 

“Come here quickly,“ she instructed without turning around and her friends obliged. They hadn’t spent much time together throughout the day after their awkward exchange in the kitchen, but given her concerned tone, all that was forgotten now.

“What is it, Helen, what…?“ The Doctor put his hand on her shoulder as he looked out of the window and his voice trailed off into nothingness. Liv, meanwhile, pulled the curtains on the window beside her.

“No…“ She whispered, overwhelmed by a wave of dread. Daleks were whizzing around the skies. The cause of the explosion became painfully obvious, as another car erupted in flame nearby under Dalek fire. There was some sort of battle waging outside, they were under attack. Maybe they had been premonitions after all. Her blood ran cold.

“Liv.“ The Doctor grabbed Liv’s arm and pulled her and Helen away from the window. “You and Helen, you stay here,” he instructed them, his eyes shining with concern over his med-tech friend in particular. He was likely expecting a strong reaction given her past with the merciless killing machines from the planet Skaro.

“Doctor, what are those things?“ Helen asked, having thus far been spared the experience of facing the Daleks. “Aliens I presume?“

“They’re Daleks,” Liv supplied quickly, matter-of-factly, and not letting on about the anxiety that started curling in her gut. 

“Liv will explain, I need to find out what’s going on…“ the Doctor said, keeping his eyes on the med-tech, as he could easily see through her mask, but he didn’t comment. There wasn’t time. “I need to get to the TARDIS.“

“Doctor, the TARDIS doesn't work!“ Liv snapped at him as her temper was getting the better of her. Her tension was not so easily masked and Helen noticed it too, giving her a concerned look. She knew of her friend’s tendency to lash out when cornered.

“I can’t do anything without the TARDIS, I have to try! And I need to find out what they’re doing here,” the Time Lord ignored her protest and repeated: “You stay in here.“ 

Neither of his friends responded, and he took it as confirmation. He darted from the room and down the corridor when suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.

“Are either of you expecting visitors?” The Doctor looked around to his friends who had followed him into the hallway .

“Well, Tania and Andy were going to pop round around midnight but it’s not nearly late enough,” Helen commented slowly and Liv’s response was more urgent: 

“Nevermind the fact that there are Daleks outside!” She was tense. While she had hoped for some extraterrestrial incursion to help them fix the TARDIS, this was not what she had had in mind. 

“They don’t knock though…” The Doctor retorted and a voice sounded from the other side of the door:

“Are you going to keep a girl waiting all night?”

“No way,” Liv whispered, stunned, when she recognised the voice of none other than River Song. While they hadn’t seen the archaeologist in a long time, her voice was rather distinct. Helen seemed to have recognised it as well.

“It can’t be-” she exchanged a glance with her best friend while the Doctor just frowned. He turned to his companions who gestured for him to open up already and reluctantly he did. Unlike his friends, he had no recollection of his future wife.

“Hello, how can we help?” He asked cautiously, looking the new arrival up and down. He hovered in the door frame, unsure, but seemingly satisfied that she was no danger. River Song, for her part, pushed past her husband with a bright smile and an air of nonchalance.

“I wouldn’t mind a glass of champagne, it is New Year’s Eve after all,” she gave back with a wink, then turned her attention to Liv and Helen. “Hello my favourite girls,” she greeted them brightly and before either of them could stop her, she pulled them into a tight hug with an arm each.

“Uh-” the Doctor looked on, bewildered and visibly annoyed to be out of the loop for once.

“River, what are you doing here?” Helen asked quietly into the professor’s mane of hair. “Is it safe to-”

“That is a problem to be dealt with later,” River hummed in response and pulled away.

“Alright but a problem that needs addressing now-” Liv pointed to the door, indicating they ought to get going, just as another explosion sounded from the street.

“That’s not your problem to deal with,” the archaeologist answered calmly and went to close the door.

“There are Daleks flying through the streets!” The med-tech protested, growing frustrated but River cut in:

“The Doctor is dealing with it.”

“Yes, I was going to,” the Doctor announced confidently but his future wife barred his way.

“Not you, Sweetie. Well, you but not this you,” she answered gently and pressed her hand to his chest to hold him back. The affection she regarded him with was nothing short of remarkable.

“Oh.” The Time Lord was at a loss for words and before he could gather them to argue, she went on:

“Don’t go out there. It’s not your fight. You’ve had yours,” she told them, regarding Liv and Helen with warm smiles as well which provoked nothing but confusion.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” The linguist questioned.

“I will explain but not in the hallway,” River retorted and ushered them backwards towards the living room. There was more noise outside, people were shouting and Liv’s every instinct screamed for her to rush outside and help. She was reminded of the day the Daleks had come to Nixyce VII and laid waste to the planet within hours…

“Are you alright, Liv?” Helen asked gently, having noticed her best friend’s tense posture and reluctance to move.

“Yeah, just… unpleasant memories…” She answered, shaking herself out of the moment with a mournful smile. Thus far, River had never let them down, so she decided to trust her assurance that the Doctor - another Doctor, it seemed - was already dealing with what was going on. She decided to focus on the matter at hand instead and asked: “Is there something going on River? Something that-”

“There was,” the archaeologist revealed and gestured for them to sit down. 

“I’ve been having these flashes-” the med-tech continued. She didn’t want to sit, she just wanted answers. While the strange visions had lessened through after the intense morning, she had still caught herself in odd moments of deja-vu.

“So have I. What does it mean?” Helen agreed and the Doctor added:

“I think we all have. That can’t be a coincidence.

“That some things even time can’t erase,” River hummed and a wistful smile played on her features. She reached inside the pocket of her coat. “I’m not even sure if you will need this now…”

“What’s that?” Liv frowned when the professor opened her hand to reveal a small device. It looked familiar. Something akin to a neural transmitter. Certainly not the kind of tech native to this time period.

“Bring some order to the chaos. It actually wasn’t even my idea. That was all you, Liv,” River hummed, turning the small device between her fingers.

“Me?” The med-tech echoed, dumbfounded. “But what- we haven’t seen each other since the Nine and-” She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen a device such as this. Probably not since Nixyce VII. She’d seen them used by Daleks as means of connecting the Kaled creature to the travel machine if she remembered correctly. 

“In this timeline, yes, but surely you can sense that you’re missing something,” the professor looked around in between the three of them to gauge their reaction and looking into blank faces, she continued: “I came across this at Luna University. That’s where I ended up after you sent me away. Fast return home switch.”

“What?” Liv was utterly bewildered, Helen crunched her forehead in concentration, trying to follow, and the Doctor remained silent, looking on. 

“It’s a relic, I came upon it by pure chance. Or maybe not pure chance. The odds seemed somewhat in my favour still,” River hummed, holding the device out to Liv.

  “I have no idea what you're talking about,” the med-tech shook her head.

“You’re about to find out. Because you see, it turns out, even in the face of certain death and the prospect of having important life-changing things erased from time, you were present-minded enough to allow those things to live on.” She reached for Liv’s hand and pushed the device into her palm. “And you deserve to know, you all do-” She looked to Helen, then to the Doctor with a wistful smile. “Even if I have to take some of those memories again afterwards.” 

Slowly, realisation dawned on Liv as her words sunk in. Something had happened that none of them remembered, some sort of aborted time-line or similar. River appeared to remember, somehow, and was offering answers. The med-tech turned the small device in her hand as she considered the flashes of memory she had been experiencing and her heart started beating faster when she looked over to Helen. The linguist had gone rather pale and she averted her eyes, wringing her hands together anxiously. What were they going to learn?

“Brilliant bit of kit, a neural relay,” River bridged the silence. “Data transfer can be instantaneous which is how I suppose you managed to record experiences in such detail, or you can take your time to listen as I have,” she explained. “It really is quite the story.” She gave an encouraging smile. 

“Right, okay…”

“We can do it at the same time,” the Doctor put a hand on Liv’s shoulder, a reassuring gesture that she appreciated, and reached for the relay with the other hand. Helen stepped closer too and touched her fingers to the device, brushing against Liv’s in the process. She looked insecure but didn’t protest.

“Good job we trust you, River,” the med-tech mumbled, masking her nerves and the professor smiled and gave a nod. 

Liv didn’t wait for her to say anything else, she couldn’t stand the tension any longer, she simply engaged the device and her mind opened to a marinade of events. She could hear her own voice ringing in her head, narrating a story that with every word became more and more real. It wasn’t just that she learned of what they had been through, the memories were returning. First gradually, then in a flood of sensations. Even if the events had been erased from the history of the universe, they became real to them. 

River saving Liv from the Daleks, rather than coming into their home.

Kate Stewart. Suddenly Liv knew and recognised her from their brief encounter in the park. Perhaps she too had been seeing flashes of things passed and felt the overwhelming urge to thank her.

Liv recalled their trip to the future and watching herself die. She remembered Helen being electrocuted and having to resuscitate her. All of a sudden, the flashes she had seen this morning made sense!

The UNIT base in the underground. The blonde Doctor. Going to Africa to find River and the Crystallizer and- 

Kissing Helen for the first time. 

Their heartfelt confessions aboard the plane and looking up at the heavens together, into the universe they both loved so much. Realising and accepting their love for each other.

Sharing a bed for the first time and savouring every moment fully expecting it might be the last.

But it hadn’t been.

“We did it. It worked. We really-” Helen whispered, her eyes wide with disbelief and welling up with tears. It was almost too much to comprehend.

Liv didn’t know what to say. She had said so much already, she had run out of words. Relief washed over her like a tidal wave when she realised that Helen was right: They had done it. Their plan had worked. Earth had been restored to before the time-loop, the Daleks would be gone for good once the Doctor had seen to them, and she hadn’t lost anything. In fact, she had gained an awful lot to just a moment ago. Instinctively, she turned to Helen, reached up to push her hand in her hair and pulled her down into a kiss.

The linguist laughed against her lips, joyfully and through tears, as she kissed her back. 

River looked on, smiling, as she had come full circle to the day things had started to finish them and put things right. 

“That’s a nice thing you did there. You didn’t need to,” the Doctor hummed, coming to stand by his future wife’s side. “In fact, it probably would have been safer for the stability of this time-line if you hadn’t but… thank you,” he smiled and River leaned into her shoulder, rested her head there.

“It’s the least I could do,” she answered, her voice heavy with emotion and the Doctor wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

“What did I tell you? It was all fine!” Liv grinned from ear to ear as she pulled back and looked at Helen. Reality still felt too ridiculous to grasp but she held on to her tightly and that was all that mattered for the time being.

“I’m fairly certain you were having doubts, too,” the linguist countered but not unkindly.

“The main thing is that things have been resolved and the one good thing that came of it all remains,” River offered with a smile. 

“I’ll have to talk to Tania…” Liv realised ruefully and Helen dropped her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she gave back. It was far from an ideal situation but neither one of them was prepared to go back on anything that had happened. They would hold on to it as tightly as they were holding each other now. 

“Don’t be. I already know how she will take it. It’s all been said and done already. It’s not a spur of the moment decision,” the med-tech smiled and pressed a reassuring kiss to her lips. Now that she had her, she would never let her go.

“While you’re here, River, I don’t suppose you can-” The Doctor started and his wife hummed knowingly:

“Help fix the TARDIS? I suppose we can ask one more favour from this little gadget before we really ought to get rid of it.” She pulled the Quantum Crystallizer from her pocket that was looking a lot worse for wear these days. Perhaps what they had asked of it had worn it out, but it would do one more trick for sure. She handed it over to her husband who pocketed it with a grateful smile.

Suddenly, there was another knock on the door.

“Are you expecting anyone else?” The professor frowned, looking around. 

“We weren’t expecting you, let alone anyone-” Helen started and there was a familiar buzzing sound as their guests didn’t seem inclined to wait. The door opened and quickly, the four of them rushed into the hallway to see what was going on.

“River!” The Doctor, all blonde hair and blue coat, exclaimed at the sight of her wife and raced down the corridor. 

“Doctor!” River gaped and the Time Lady pounced on her, much like she had done when they had found her in the tomb. “What are you-” The archaeologist didn’t know what to say or do, she simply wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly. 

“Uh- Hello…” The Doctor’s companions remained in the doorway, unsure as to what was going on, and Helen took the initiative.

“Yaz, Ryan, Graham, come in,” she greeted them kindly.

“I’m sorry but… who are you? And why are we here? Doctor?” Yaz questioned, utterly puzzled. They clearly hadn’t had their memories returned just yet.

“We will fill you in,” Liv offered and elbowed the Doctor who was looking on jealously as River and his future self kissed. “Let’s close the door and all come in here.” She tried to move everyone along to give the Doctor and her wife some privacy which wasn’t really working.

“We were not meant to meet again. We’ve had our last night together-” River mumbled into the Doctor’s hair as she held her close. 

“Oh River, when will you learn? There is always more time,” the Time Lady hummed in return, running her hand through her impressive curls.

“How did you know to come here?” She questioned and the Doctor shrugged.

“I’ve been having flashes of memories, echoes. Not much but I knew it had something to do with this period of my life so… I thought I should stop by while we’re in the area,” she revealed. 

“I suppose you are entitled to those memories too,” Liv commented as everyone began to settle in the living room. Considering the fact that they had intended to pass on a New Year’s Eve party, it was turning into a full house regardless.

“And it won’t do any damage? All of us remembering?” Helen questioned, always the voice of reason. 

“The Dalek control ship was destroyed, the time loop ripped apart… it’s well and truly over. There is no harm in knowing,” River concluded and her wife nodded: 

“Yes. Knowing. That would be good. I’d like to know things.”

“Well, maybe you don’t need to know all the intimate details of my experience, maybe we can just fill you in,” Liv suggested as she was becoming increasingly more self-conscious about how detailed her account had been. 

“That sounds like a good idea,” River agreed and clapped her hands together: “And while you do that, I shall see about champagne. The new year is fast approaching.” She looked to her husband and his companions: “I should hope we can stretch to a little party before you’re off?”

“I suppose we can stretch to that,” the Doctor agreed, though his excitement at the idea of having the TARDIS working again was palpable.

“Liv, are you okay?” Helen prompted, having noticed how the med-tech had turned quiet and thoughtful.

“Yes. Yes. I’m great,” Liv answered quickly. “It’s just… We’re- we’re finally leaving.” It was a wonderful conclusion to it all. She couldn’t wait to get back out into the universe and was overwhelmed by the prospect of it. 

“We are,” Helen confirmed softly, overcome by emotion as well. It had been a long time coming. “We’re… we’re going home.” 

Liv smiled and reached out to brush a strand of hair from her eyes.

“Home is wherever you are,” she told her gently and met in a tender kiss.

“I’m sorry it took so much for me to be able to accept that…” Helen’s voice filled with regret. Even though they had worked things out and were ready to move forward together, that didn’t take away from the painful memories of her denial and the many ways in which she had hurt the both of them through it. 

“I would do it all again,” Liv tried to put her mind at peace as she really would. She would quite happily walk through hell to be with Helen. Perhaps she already had. 

“I’m glad we won’t have to. Who knows how many times we’d gone through that already,” the linguist countered and Liv grinned like a love-struck teenager:

“And fell in love every time.”

“No, that’s not quite right,” Helen shook her head and the med-tech frowned.

“That’s what River said-”

“I was already in love with you long before that. I realise that now,” the linguist corrected her. “It was just me coming to terms with that.”

“I love you, Helen,” Liv told her earnest and Helen nodded and smiled:

“I love you too, Liv.” They kissed once more and nothing bad happened. No memory flashes, no more sounds of destruction from outside. They were surrounded by friends and in each other's arms and life was finally good. “Now… let’s celebrate the new year. There is a lot to look forward to,” Helen suggested and Liv agreed:

“There is indeed,”  she nodded. “I just… I just want to have a word with the Doctor if that’s okay?”

“Of course,” the linguist smiled. “I’ll help River dish out the champagne. Goodness knows where she found that.”

And so, Liv pulled the future Doctor to one side as her younger self continued to fill in the companions on what had happened.

”Liv. It’s so good to see you. It seems we’ve had quite the adventure,” the older Doctor observed and pushed her hands into the pockets of her coat.

“Yes, indeed. Just glad it all went as well as it did,” the med-tech smiled, then turned more serious: “Can I… ask you something?”

“Of course, shoot,” the Time Lady nodded enthusiastically, casting a quick glance to her wife who was handing out glasses of champagne as promised. 

“River…” Liv confirmed that she was indeed what she wanted to talk about, as if the Doctor had sensed it. 

“What about her?” She asked and gave her her undivided attention. 

“She seems to be under the impression she can’t spend any more time with you… why is that?” She had been trying to understand but she knew she was likely missing bits of the puzzle.

“Because to me she is dead. She has been dead for a long long time… Our time-lines are running in opposite directions and I- The last thing we supposedly did before the time she died… it’s already happened,” the Doctor revealed as there seemed to be little point in pretence. “This… this was never in the cards for us…” Her eyes found River again who was laughing heartily as she nearly spilled champagne over Helen, thoroughly overfilling her glass. A shadow passed across the Doctor’s features. 

“Guess that shows you never really know,” Liv commented and the Doctor hummed:

“I guess not.”

“How does she die?” The med-tech pressed on and the Doctor shot her a look, almost angry, as if she didn’t want to be thinking about it. 

“Liv-”

“No really, I- River has done so much for me, for us… if there is something we can do to prevent her-”Liv started but the Time Lady interrupted her sharply.

“You can’t prevent it. And she wouldn’t thank you for it if you did. The day she died… that was our first proper meeting. That was when our adventure together started. That’s why any version of me prior to that point in my life can’t know of her identity, she will have to whip my - his - memory of this,” she cast a quick glance to her younger self who was watching their wife with wide eyes of first love. “Thankfully through me being here - two of us in the same space - it should become a blur for him… But if she doesn’t die in the Library, our story will never start. It’s better to have a limited amount of time together and having that rather than nothing at all and being alive and not knowing what you’re missing, wouldn’t you agree?”

Liv felt the sting of that. She had made statements to the same effect. 

“I suppose I can’t argue with that.”

“Besides… she didn’t really die. Not truly. I managed to save her. Her mind anyway. To the biggest library computer in the universe,” the Doctor carried on though the expression on her face revealed that she had mixed feelings on the matter.

“So you saved her conciousness?” Liv frowned, trying to understand. 

“Now, looking back, I don’t even know if that’s something she would have wanted… but I did what I could at the time,” the Doctor confirmed. 

“And she’s still there now? I mean, she would be there? If you visited?” The med-tech asked when suddenly, a thought occurred to her. 

“I suppose so, yes. Not that I’ve been back… I’m not sure I can face that just yet…” The Time Lady mumbled, evidently feeling guilty. 

“Where are you going after this?

“Hadn’t really decided yet. I don’t know if I want to be going anywhere,” she confessed, observing the merry atmosphere around them.

“You should go and visit my sister, tell her I sent you. Tula, remember?“ Liv pushed on, gripped by a wave of enthusiasm.

“Yes, I remember but…“ The Doctor didn’t catch her drift so she explained:

“When I spent that year on Kaldor I witnessed quite significant technological advancement. There were people there that were experimenting with transferring consciousness from a human to a robot… they got it working… If River’s mind is safe and stable, then all you need is a body and a way to transfer it!” It was likely a long shot, there were a lot of variables that she didn’t know about and the small matter of finding a suitable body or if River would even want that but… it was a chance. And if Liv had learned anything, it was that love was worth taking every chance. 

“Thank you, Liv,” the Doctor was visibly touched and pulled her into a hug. “You really are quite brilliant. I do miss you so very much. And Helen, too.” She released her and River’s voice carried over to them.

“Enough of the hushed whispers, get back over here, you two, it’s nearly midnight!” She was holding up glasses for them. 

“One more thing…” Liv requested, pulling the Time Lady’s attention.  She couldn’t simply ignore one of the biggest questions she was asking herself: “Doctor… what happens to us? Why are we not with you anymore?“

“Oh Liv… clever, beautiful, brave Liv. Some things have to be lived, not told,” the Doctor replied kindly. “I am not the most important thing in your life. I might have been, once, and you were ever so important to me, too. But no-one stays with me forever.“

“Is that why you married a time traveller?“ Liv joked, trying to mask her emotional state. 

“Well, that is quite a different matter…“ the Time Lady chuckled but carried on more gently: “Don’t hold me too tightly, Liv, adventures end. Love, however… Love abides in the face of everything.“

“Thank you,” Liv whispered, not trusting her voice to speak up. She was overcome by emotion. There were so many things she was grateful to her for, but nothing as much as that fact that they brought Helen into her life. 

“No, thank you, Liv Chenka. I miss you ever so much, both of you,” the Doctor repeated and reached out to brush tears off the med-tech’s cheeks that she hadn’t even noticed falling. 

“That’s quite enough of that, you can carry on with your heart-to-heart later,” River interrupted them and pushed a champagne flute into Liv’s hand.

“Thank you,” the med-tech chuckled and Helen was there too, grabbing her arm.

“Come on. There’ll likely be fireworks,” she gave Liv’s arm a tug and the med-tech didn’t resist. She allowed herself to be led to one of the big windows in anticipation of midnight striking.

“So long as it’s just that and not more Daleks descending upon the planet,” Liv hummed, looking out into the night. London looked perfectly at peace. 

“I think we did quite a good job in that regard,” Helen commented lightly. “I could do without meeting them again.”

“We did, yeah,” the med-tech agreed and a smile drew to her lips as a sense of freedom came over her.

“What are you smiling about?” The linguist prompted and Liv shrugged:

“I have a lot to be smiling about,” she countered, wrapping her arm around her middle.

“Yes but… you look like a thought just crossed your mind. What is it?” Helen carried on, giving her a curious look. 

“Oh it’s just… my personal history with the Daleks…” Liv hummed, unsure how to best put into words what she was feeling but for Helen, she would try. “Everything that happened on Nixyce VII and my journey to the frontier colonies… they… it’s something that was always there at the back of my mind. Some unspoken guilt that I didn’t- that was never resolved because I didn’t know how to work through it… I think I finally have. I feel like, in some way, by making the right, the selfless decision this time around… I think I might have made my peace with it,” she revealed and Helen gave her a wry smile:

“You never made the wrong decision then either,” she told her firmly and Liv laughed:

“That’s right, I forgot you know what happened…” Her voice trailed off and Helen easily filled the space of her thoughtful silence.

“You never did anything wrong. You were trying to help people. You did what you could. All the things that happened to you after that… you didn’t deserve that hardship.”

“I was rewarded for it in the end,��� Liv concluded and that was the end of it. She had indeed made her peace with it. Through the years, Helen had been the reason hope, light and in the end, love, had returned to her life. She had healed her invisible wounds without even realising it. Now all was said and done. The past had no hold on her any more and there was just the future to consider. A future she would share with the woman she loved more than words could say. 

Midnight struck and a new year started on 21 st century Earth. They wouldn’t stick around to witness it, but they wouldn’t forget it in a hurry either.

“Happy New Year, Liv,” Helen leaned down to kiss her and Liv smiled against her lips.

“Happy New Year. It’s going to be a good one, I can feel it.” She pulled her close and rested her head on her shoulder.

“Of course it will be. It’ll be the beginning of the rest of our lives,” the linguist hummed and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. 

Fireworks started up outside, tinting the dark sky in something other than the garish flashes of Dalek blaster fire. It erupted in a sea of colours, each flare more beautiful than the last. Liv turned to look out of the window and Helen wrapped her arms around her from behind. She leaned her head against hers as they looked out across London. They looked out into the night, across the city, the planet, that they had helped protect, and would savour one last night on before heading out into the universe again; and into their future together.

[whatitmeanstobeawoman23]

What is the female gaze?

The topic I have chosen to research is The Female Gaze. these are a few pictures I found online and a few quotes which express and relate to the female gaze.

the first thing i wanted to research is what the female gaze exactly is. And in a nutshell, i learnt that the female gaze is 'the way that women are portrayed through the eyes of a woman instead of a man' (sociomix).

throughout time many male photographers would use women in their photography and essentially 'sexualise' and 'objectify' them, whether it was done purposefully or not, women were always seen as objects. the way women were depicted in history through print or onscreen film, it was all controlled by male artists, which has developed a narrow way of looking at women solely through a masculine perspective (buzzfeed).

what i would like to do is study the female gaze through my perspective and capture what it means to be a young woman in the world we live in today.

references:

https://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2016/11/01/blogs/the-female-gaze-in-fashion-photography.html https://www.artsy.net/article/artsy-editorial-female-gaze-changing-photographs-womenhttps://time.com/4743263/photographer-female-gaze https://blogs.brighton.ac.uk/miawashbrook/2020/02/03/female-gaze-artists/ https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/18788523437853228/ https://www.florencegiven.com/products/female-gaze-art-print-1 https://archive.nytimes.com/lens.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/11/01/the-female-gaze-in-fashion-photography https://www.vogue.it/en/photo-vogue-festival/exhibition/2016/11/15/the-female-gaze-show/?refresh_ce= https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/2017/11/179324/petra-collins-interview-coming-of-age-book

https://www.sleek-mag.com/article/female-gaze-photography/https://www.dazeddigital.com/fashion/article/33813/1/new-show-celebrates-female-fashion-photographers-photo-vogue-festival-milan https://bluedoormagazine.com/2022/08/27/female_view/https://2goodmedia.com/podcast/emilie-fontaine-female-gaze-in-outdoor-and-fashion-design https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/neahgray/this-is-how-three-women-photographers-are-taking-control-ofhttps://amateurphotographer.com/technique/interviews/hannah-starkey-redefining-the-representation-of-women/ https://www.sociomix.com/diaries/lifestyle/the-female-gaze-simply-what-is-it/1607449923

https://www.vogue.com/article/petra-collins-photography-show-discharge-teenagedom-female-gaze https://www.sociomix.com/diaries/lifestyle/the-female-gaze-simply-what-is-it/1607449923 https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/neahgray/this-is-how-three-women-photographers-are-taking-control-of

[alirafiaei]

Top Travel Destinations in the South

In January 2023, Travel + Leisure and CNN Travel compiled their annual list of top travel destinations for the year. Unsurprisingly, a number of US cities made the list of top destinations. Of the chosen cities, six were in the American South.

Two of the cities named were in the Carolinas. The January 2023 issue of CNN Travel reported that one vacation destination well worth visiting was Charleston, South Carolina. Noteworthy destinations include the Spoleto Festival and the International African American Museum, expected to open in June 2023.

Held in March, the Spoleto Festival hosts theatrical, dance, opera, and musical acts at a range of venues. The International African American Museum offers visitors the chance to tour places where Africans arrived during the slave trade. Visitors can also tour exhibitions that describe the lives of enslaved people and their descendants.

Charleston also has something for those who enjoy dining out. Food lovers can hang out at the Charles Wine and Food Festival in March. Alternatively, visitors can experience the upscale establishment Magnolia's. For a less formal night out there is Bertha's Kitchen, where visitors can try its famous red rice with sausage, fried chicken, and lima beans.

Asheville, North Carolina, is the other city that made the top destination list in the Carolinas. Travel + Leisure reports the town offers a well-rounded vacation destination. Here, tourists can partake in year-round outdoor activities, explore the city's historic sites, and enjoy sophisticated dining spots.

For example, those who like white water rafting can visit Wrong Way River Lodge, where they can stay in A-frame cabins sitting along the French Broad River. Those who want to camp comfortably can stay at AutoCamp Asheville, which will open in mid-2023. The Glamping Collective is another newly opened establishment on a 160-acre site, where visitors can stay in glass cabins and domed pods.

Essential dining establishments include the S&W Market, a food hall offering a wide array of cuisines. French Broad Chocolates and Battery Park Book Exchange are old favorites, the former offering confections and the latter a chance to sip Champagne while enjoying a good read.

Just north of these two states, Alexandria, Virginia, provides tourists with easy access to vineyards in the northern part of the state and the chance to learn more about its history. The city was home to the country's largest domestic slave trade during much of the 1800s.

Sites such as the Freedom House Museum tell the narrative of Africans forced to work as enslaved people. Furthermore, the African American Heritage Trail, which opened in 2020, features 11 historical sites narrating 200 years of African American experiences, including stops at the Torpedo Factory, where Black people worked during WWII, and Waterfront Park, a point known for it slave trafficking. Jones Park is another significant landmark where visitors can learn about Benjamin Banneker, a notable mathematician, inventor, and free man who was instrumental in surveying the new U.S. capital.

Another American favorite, Nashville, Tennessee, is in the middle of a renaissance. The Conrad, 1 Hotel, Soho House, and redesigned Hermitage House are a few of the hotels fueling this rebirth. Regarding good places to dine, visitors can head to Fifth + Broadway Complex, where they can enjoy Southern staples such as fried chicken at Hattie B's or the Assembly Food Hall, which offers varied eating establishments and bars.

In terms of nightlife, travelers can get their fill of honky-tonk bars until the wee hours of the morning. They can also head to Justin Timberlake's Twelve Thirty Club or live events, such as CMA Fest (Country Music Association Festival), which recently celebrated its 50th anniversary.

For travelers looking to entertain the entire family, Central Florida offers various theme parks, such as Disney World, Epcot, and Universal City Walk, the latter offering adults a sampling of Orlando nightlife. Travelers to Disney this year can eat, breathe, and sleep Star Wars at its newly opened Star Wars: Galactic Star Cruiser, a two-night adventure. Another option is to travel southeast to Tampa and spend the day at Busch Gardens, an amusement park experience with a tropical theme.

[natally-retrograded]

A FEW THOUGHTS ON LACK & UNGRATEFULNESS IN THE LITERARY ARTS ECONOMY

note: this essay was first drafted during July 2023 and went unpublished for a year. I have not edited this article (typos will remain typos, idc) since finding it this morning (8/16/24) and have no future plans on publishing it anywhere else. Because this essay is old it holds within it the limitations of my past perspective.

Here are the facts: 

$636.34 - July’s energy bill

$1,667.80 - wages currently owed to me via Naropa University (*2 months late)

$27,000.00 - the amount of the Poetry Foundation’s Ruth Lilly & Dorothy Sargent Rosenberg Poetry Fellowship that I was not awarded and cannot re-apply for as I have reached the applicant age limit (31 years old)

$0.00 - the amount I received as a finalist for Lambda Literary Award

$500.00 - what I made publishing my book (generous, by indie publishing standards)

$117,000.00 - the estimated salary of the Poetry Foundation’s Director

$10,000.00 - how much each individual winner receives via the National Book Award

$230,000.00 - the estimated salary of the Executive Director of The National Book Foundation in 2020

*At the time this essay was began, Naropa University had not paid me. I was finally paid on August 1, 2023, while I was still writing this essay, some 2 months after my contract stated I would receive payment.

The literary arts economy, as it stands, has chosen to abandon those which it claims to uplift—writers, namely poets— through its willful and negligent reanimation of capitalist system and spirit. By framing select poets as popular and profitable commodity, this economy, comprised of literary “elite”, traitors of craft, publishers, non-profits, institutional organizations and universities (public and private), is directly responsible for the expedited suffering, malnutrition, prolonged illness and, ultimately, the death of hundreds, if not thousands of poet’s and artists.

I will speak for myself: I did not become a poet with the expectation of making money. Meaning, I am not a poet who dreams of or waits for the day that my personality might cultivate a cult following and therefore catapult any personas I might be in possession of in front of my own writing, eclipsing my talents and deeming me, suddenly—finally! as worthy enough to have my book in a Vogue ‘Five Poetry Must Reads for Summer’ write up or, at the very least, be one of the twenty or so working poets in high demand during book festival season. 

It seems to me I might fare better in this world if I harbored aspirations as dangerous as using my poetry career as a means to get my future presidential campaign off the ground or moonlighting, as I recently saw a poet doing in a low quality TikTok ad, as the spokesperson for a men’s grooming start-up. But, and it is to my great dismay, I am not capable of such desires, let alone capitalizing off of them.

To the spectators of my life, which there are many, I am certain that I come across as somewhat successful individual—I have a published book, have been nominated for various awards and fellowships and am sometimes invited across the country to read and preform. I do not, as a fellow poet commented after a particularly electric meditation session in the mountains of Colorado, “radiate lack”. Unfortunately, lack is not something one radiates from within but rather something that is projected and expounded, generationally, quotidianly, by systematic oppressions and complacent background actors. The American literary arts scene is filled wither such oppressions/oppressors. They are at parties drinking cocktails, they are in offices calculating your potential return on investment, they are speaking in the halls of institutions never once seriously addressing the reality and the plights of their peers. 

And you, alleged reader and lover of poetry are at fault too. Do you speak up and ask questions of the poets you so blindingly love? Do you hold anyone accountable for your dollar? Instead you glamorize the unglamorous, demanding content from authors and reinforcing the expectation that we become brands. You consume our work, exploit the labor of our sentences, and hound us at conferences casting us as willful celebrities in your own parasocial delusions. Few of you, show any true care or inquiry to the reality of our labor relations.

I’m sure you’re thinking now about the on-going Writers Guild of America strike, which of course you enthusiastically support. Obviously, you care about the welfare of writers! But I wonder how selfish this support truly is. It is no secret or stretch of the truth to say that television and film are valued at a much higher rate, both culturally and financially, than literature. People love TV but reading, across genres, continues to steadily decline. So, while you might genuinely desire the fair pay and treatment of showrunners and script writers, you also harbor a stronger, desperately inward longing for Abbott Elementary to return to the air.

For many reasons which I sure you are able to conjure up, a literary writers strike—specifically a poets strike— would garner far less attention and support. Realistically, what could a poet leverage in a power struggle against the literary arts industrial complex? Would the entirety of America’s working poets risk their already unpredictable financial stability for unity against an industry that already gives us so little in regards to money, time and respect? Would readers stand beside us, boycotting publishers, universities and other literary organizations? I’m not so sure the safety nets required to support such an endeavor are in place, though I am curious enough to try…

Despite my clarity of feeling, there is a nasty voice in the back of my head that says I should be grateful. Grateful for what exactly? For opportunity, I answer myself. But what is opportunity in the face of $7 eggs? What is opportunity when one’s survival is left to the whim and favor of corporate sponsored pageantry and parasocial pyramid schemes? What is opportunity when it must fall within age limit requirements? What is opportunity when wealth is so visibly hoarded by those within the industry?

It is becoming increasing untenable for the poet, for the artist, for the non-wealthy to exist in this economy. Those in powerful positions are comfortable, uninspired and lazy. They are not brave or compassionate enough to address the disparity of, let alone redistribute, their salaries for the continued survival of the artists whose backs their talentless careers rest.

I refuse to idly and silently watch on as my peers play into a system so backwards and toxic that they can’t even see or own up to how it perpetuates poverty and death. Many of us, even past versions of myself, are at fault. If poets are to manifest their true potential we must make sure that they can exist and drive beyond the threshold of material desire.

Signed,

Gabrielle Octavia Rucker

P.S. This is not a manifesto. These are simply my thoughts, as expressed, from the makeshift office located in my bedroom, during the Summer of 2023.

[hieuthong]

ENTRY 9

nostalgia

While I was working my usual shift for my part-time job, I happened to overhear one of the parents talking to the main admin about their kid's choir trip to Bali for the international choir festival, if I’m not mistaken. Coincidentally, the choir academy they sent their kids to is the one I attended back then. While they were conversing over this topic, it made me realize how much I missed it, the friends that I made along the way, traveling together to perform, and the endless training for competitions and concerts. All that holds such significant memories within me, I would say it is one of my core memories. Every now and then, I would think back on the times when my weekend would be spent at the choir academy practicing with my members. I remember back in primary school, my school friends would ask me to hang out on weekends, but I always couldn’t make it because I had choir practice on both days. Me now would’ve felt semi left out because I couldn’t go with them, but at that time I didn’t care much because I really enjoyed my time in the academy.

I was 9 when I first joined the academy. My aunt introduced my mom to it and she brought me there to give it a try. I ended up staying until 2020. The reason why I left was because of MCO, I wasn’t the only one who left during that period, a few of my closest friends left too. It was a tough decision for me since I sort of grew up there, so it was hard for me to leave. Honestly, if it weren’t for MCO, I would still be at the academy. When I first joined I was enrolled in the elementary level where most of the kids are around the same age, then by the end of the year they told my mom I could audition for the “Concert Choir” which basically is a group that represents the academy for competitions and choir exchanges. I passed the audition and got in but only after the first half of 2014 because they were already training for the 2014 World Choir Games in Latvia. By the end of 2014, I was also part of that group. My time there was spent well, it gave me many opportunities and new experiences. The first time I traveled with them was in 2015 to Sarawak and in 2016, we went to Melbourne. I was fortunate enough to be able to experience these. My mom for some reason was quite at ease to let me travel alone at such a young age. Not only did I get to travel, but I also got a chance to perform with the orchestra a few times which was quite fun. During the 2017 SEA Games, our academy was chosen to do a recording for it, it was a great experience.

Every year we would have at least two performances, a smaller one for the first half of the year and a grand one for year-end. Usually, for the smaller performance, it’ll only be for the specific level you’re in while the annual year-end concert is joined with all the levels. There were many memories made there but one of the most memorable concerts was the last one I participated in the children’s choir before I graduated and moved to the youth choir. That year for the annual concert, we performed a musical and I got to play one of the roles. Fortunately enough, most of my close friends were the same age as me so we were able to enter youth choir together. Although we were still together, it still upsets me that we’re leaving the children’s choir. I remember clearly trying to hold my tears back during the encore stage, but I couldn’t help it and just bawled my eyes out. Thank god I wasn’t the only one who cried.

Something that upsets me a lot is that I no longer talk to my choir friends. Ever since we stopped attending classes, we just lost contact. We would go out once in a while but after MCO, we completely stopped talking. Hopefully, someday in the future we can reconnect with each other. The years I spent there undoubtedly played a significant role in my life. The memories made during that time will remain carved in my heart, unforgettable even as I grow older.

[college-girl199328]

Real-life Celebrity Grinches. Stars who DESPISE Christmas

"It’s the most wonderful time of the year"… to some people, but not according to these celebs, who won’t be "driving home for Christmas" as they would much rather see the Grinch steal it instead. Dashing through the North Pole, discover the real-life star Scrooges who would rather not be Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree…

Lady Gaga

The "Bad Romance" singer caused a scene back in 2010 when she bit the head of a stuffed Santa! Pulling the stunt on stage at The O2 in London, she told her fans she has mixed feelings about Christmas, saying: "I do like Christmas, but for those of you who are feeling lonely this Christmas, I hate Christmas!" I'm alone and miserable! Anyway, now that I've killed Santa, what am I going to do with all of you?"

Hugh Grant

In an ironic twist of fate, Hugh Grant, the star of the Christmas classic "Love Actually," has admitted he is not a fan of the holiday season. Hugh often arranges a vacation abroad to avoid the festivities in the UK. Speaking to the Daily Mirror newspaper, he said: "The last few years, I have taken Dad to a Muslim country to escape it completely." "We both hate Christmas."

Colin Firth

"It’s hard to distinguish between Collin and his character Scrooge because, according to the Firth festive songs, they make him mad," says the star of "A Christmas Carol." He said, ”I think Christmas turns us all into Scrooge." "Everyone is trying to throw happy stuff at you, and that’s when I come over all humbug.”

The French actress admitted that, from a young age, she did not want to receive any presents and would argue with her mother, who couldn’t stand seeing her daughter be the only child without presents under the tree. Speaking to Kelly Ripa in 2016, Marion shared: "From a very young age, I remember fighting with my mom because I didn't want to get presents." She was very mad at me, and it was a fight every year because she couldn't stand having me among the kids without a present. And I was like, "I'm fine; I don't need anything; I don't want it."

As a man who is not shy about voicing his grievances about things he doesn't like, it is probably no shock that Noel Gallagher is not full of the festive spirit. Describing Christmas as a "stain on society," Noel ranted: "Too much food, too much "We Are The World," the sweaters, the TV presenters, the adverts, the weather." Noel, of course, did financially benefit when his Oasis song "Half The World Away" was chosen by major British retailer John Lewis to feature in their 2015 Christmas advertising campaign.

You might be surprised to learn that the man who organized the 1984 Band-Aid charity single "Do They Know It's Christmas?" dislikes the holiday season. And that's because he can't go anywhere during December without hearing the song, which was a No. 1 hit and raised millions for Ethiopian famine victims. Geldof said, "I am responsible for two of the worst songs in history." One is "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and the other is "We Are The World." "I will go to the supermarket, head to the meat counter, and it will be playing." Every Christmas!

The "Friends" star is still haunted by the ghost of Christmas past as she recalls having to endure a humiliating festive tradition as a child. Speaking to Entertainment Weekly in 2016, she said, “When I was a kid, they used to make my belly dance." On Christmas Eve, my dad’s whole side of the family is Greek, so I would dress up as a little Greek girl, and then on Christmas, after taking belly-dancing classes, I would do that. It had nothing to do with Christmas, even. It was just, "Let’s humiliate Jen on Christmas."

The "Midnight Sky" legend, who as a young Disney starlet covered Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" and more recently performed Wham!'s "Last Christmas"

for an Amazon Music event in 2020, spoke about her chaotic family Christmases on the KISS Breakfast Show, saying that her holiday get-togethers always end in “fistfights” and door slamming. She said: "I mean, we're all kind of conspiracy theorists, and I remember one year we got onto the topic of, like, aliens, and it ended with my brothers not talking for a week and my mom crying."

"Spectre" star Christopher Waltz doesn't like Christmas because he believes that the holiday has been taken over by commercialism, which "comes to its unbearable peak over Christmas." When asked what his biggest festive wish is, he said, "No Christmas… That's my biggest wish: no Christmas.

Despite releasing the very successful "Merry Christmas, Baby" album back in 2012, Sir Rod Stewart is not full of Yule Tide joy. His wife Penny Lancaster Stewart revealed on the UK TV show "Loose Women" that she dresses up as Mrs. Santa Claus each year in a bid to cheer up her Scrooge husband. She spilled: "Rod doesn't love Christmas. He can't wait till the decorations are down and his house is back to normal. Just to lift his mood, I put a little Father Christmas suit on.

[blkwidowsweb]

A Conversation with Comedian, Actor and Special Chosen Few Festival Guest DJ, Deon Cole

Chicago Born, Actor and Comedian Speaks with Chosen Few Festival Official Blogger and Chicago Defender Contributing Writer, Danielle Sanders about his Chicago roots, his love for House Music, and his Chosen Few Virtual Festival Debut as a guest DJ.

[only-johnny-deppp]

🎆 🎆  CONGRATULATIONS JOHNNY DEPP!!!  🎆 🎆

Next month, on September 22, Johnny will attend and be honored with the “Donostia Award” at the upcoming 69th San Sebastian Festival, in Spain. 

The Donoria Award is the highest honorary award of the festival, being given to a number of actors and film directors, every year since 1986. It recognizes outstanding contributions to the film world of great names who will be part of cinema history forever. 

This event will mark Johnny’s third attendance at the festival, after the 1998 edition (which he attended with Terry Gilliam) and the latest 2020 edition where he presented “Crock of Gold: A Few Rounds with Shane MacGowan”. Johnny will be the 69th recipient of the award and will give a special speech at the Kursaal Auditorium. 

The award ceremony will take place before the out-of-competition screening of the Official Section movie “The Daughter” , and the tickets will be available for sale on September 13. 

Although some people questioned the reason why Johnny was chosen (Come on, it’s 2021 and WE ALL KNOW Johnny deserves nothing but the best things and awards in the world - Hey, Oscars.. What’s good?) the director of the festival released an official statement to press.

“The Donostia Award to Johnny Depp is our recognition of a great actor, a man of cinema with a great career, who visited us last year as producer of the film ‘Crock Of Gold: A Few Rounds With Shane MacGowan’, by Julien Temple, which won the Special Jury Prize.” ~ Jose Luis Rebordinos, Director of the San Sebastian Film Festival, August 9, 2021.

CONGRATULATIONS JOHNNY DEPP! Give ‘em hell!

[ballodellamarlena]

m o o n l i g h t

damiano david x reader + ex!gjon muharremaj (gjon’s tears)

genre: fluff, minimal angst

wc: 1.7k

notes: non-canonical OOC, also my first fic in a long time, this is a result of me ignoring my finals with a dash of projecting

feedback is appreciated! if you are interested in reading more i have more ideas :)

-

2021 just can't stop surprising.

In hindsight, it was worse for some in comparison to year prior, but life goes on.

And so does Europe's most famous song competition.

2021 just can't stop surprising. In hindsight, it was worse for some in comparison to the year prior, but life goes on. And so does Europe's most famous song competition.

2020's cancellation of Eurosong was devastating, to say the least, but now it's back and in full shine; different singers, different songs, lots of changes made. Your job as an audio technician swept you off to places you'd never thought you'd see. From concerts to musical artists in recording studios in their whole essence; the making of a song, the process fascinated you. It kind of didn't surprise you when you were accepted to be a part of Eurovision's sound squad. It was, after all, everything you've been working for.

It was not soon after Tel Aviv when you met Gjon in a recording studio, where you were temporarily stationed before departure to Rotterdam to start preparing for the next year. Gjon was a nice constant to your hectic life, always there to shine on a new perspective and always there to comfort you on your worst days. In turn, you were there during his journey to be chosen as Switzerland's contestant in 2020's Eurovision. You were there when he wrote his song about being and belonging. Your blossoming relationship became too great to ignore, and soon you became the team's sweethearts; his firm but soft composure meshing with your assertive and curious nature in the best of ways. You were not afraid to say that you knew him, and vice versa. Everything really was perfect. Until the epidemic hit.

It was like a domino effect, one thing encouraging everything else to fall apart. Being in a foreign country while it was in a state of emergency was not the most ideal, and it didn't really help your job. Your recently appointed position in Eurovision's sound squad was gone with the wind when the cancellation was announced, and so did Gjon's hard work. Tensions rose, and while your relationship was as healthy as could be, it simply wasn't enough. Or maybe it was never supposed to be something more than a prolonged period of deep infatuation between two human beings.

The departure was bittersweet, to say the least. But you knew, a year with him would never compare to anything else. You two parted gently, on a windy airport, almost ignorant to the tears in Gjon's eyes; you saw regret, pain, and fear, but you both understood that if you decided to give your all to each other before knowing what that 'all' even is, it would hurt much more.

You remember his arms around for the last time, whispering promises of sunnier days and warm reunions, the lump in his throat preventing him from promising you a better him.

You haven't been able to completely process his intentions, too keen on leaving. You were itching for something different, but everything seemed too claustrophobic in this state of the world. So you accepted the first job offer that presented itself to you and flew off to Sanremo.

-

"You okay?"

You turned abruptly towards Victoria, one of the band members you were here with here in Rotterdam in the middle of rehearsals and navigating through Rotterdam.

Your job offer as one of Eurovision's sound technicians still stood even throughout the epidemic but after Måneskin's success at the Sanremo Festival that granted them the first row in the finals of Eurovision you decided to stay with them, so the job kind of integrated being an official technician in charge of Italy and being their personal plus one.

You stared at Victoria with a blank stare, reminiscing the past short few months; Sanremo brought new experiences and new people. Italy's contest for the contestant at 2021's Eurovision started from square one, giving new chances.

Maybe Måneskin was just what you needed, the four of them. Victoria, Thomas, Ethan, and Damiano.

Damiano was a breath of fresh air. A breeze of fast wind. Assertive and confident. You couldn't deny it was attractive. You tried not to let his aura control your way of seeing him, but very soon you found him to be one of the best people you've ever met. You helped you express yourself more, welcomed you like family, made you see life and yourself like something more than you had originally thought. You two clicked, and between new friendships and an interesting job position you allowed them to take you with them to Rotterdam. And you did so without hesitating.

Besides, no one could deny something heavy between you and Damiano.

Back to the present, at Italy's table with the band and the delegation, Damiano comfortably sitting on your left, you stared at Victoria to your right, trying to come up with an answer when you heard it again.

"Will Switzerland's contestant please begin their rehearsal?"

And there he was, no different than that day at the airport. Last you heard about Gjon he came with a new song, after managing to keep his place as the contestant, something many preparing contestants had to give up prior to this year's competition.

You were sitting on the edge of your seat, elbows on your knees. You felt Damiano's fingers twirling one of your locks on the back of your hair, a bit uninterested to be watching somebody else's rehearsal while the band was already done with theirs.

"Yeah." you smiled lightly. There was no lie, why wouldn't you feel fine?

You felt Damiano's hand weaving with your elbow, pulling you to him, and you leaned back against the cushion, leaning your head gently against his shoulder. And if he noticed you seemed lethargic all of a sudden, he didn't say anything.

You stared intensely towards the stage, but relaxed and turned to the rest of your company after realizing this rehearsal only included the technical side of things. No song from him today.

-

22nd of May, 2021

Entirely skipping the semi-finals, you and your team only focused on your own band. Being one of the Big 5 was admirable, and everyone expected a show.

The clothes fit, the makeup was on, and the band was ready to enter the arena along with you and Italy's delegation. Nine pm was nearing and you were going to be sitting through all of the 26 songs, along with voting.

Songs went by fast, some fun, some less, but all were good until it was time for Switzerland. You were about to hear his new song.

Je vois derrière nous des morceaux de toi Et ce que la douleur a fait de moi

The somber tone, the lyrics. Your limited knowledge of french allowed you to understand the basic point of the song.

Nos deux cœurs sous la terre

He was still not over you.

But maybe he was but was singing about somebody else, you tried to rationalize.

Damiano squeezed your hand that you didn't even realize he was holding, you were so tense. The band was aware of your previous association with the Swiss singer, but you didn't even want to know what they were thinking about.

You only thought about the song. The melody, the words sang of his anguish, and it wasn't a bad song. You wanted so desperately to heal him but knew it was not your job to do anymore.

Comment soigner nos coeurs qui éclatent?

Your eyes made contact, and it was like going back in time. But all songs end, and so did yours.

The crowd cheered, it was a great performance. The table clapped and you watched him getting off the stage, not knowing what to think.

"It's going to be okay, carina."

That one pull you needed, and you didn't doubt anymore.

An hour and a half later, after Italy's performance, which was quite an experience, finals were coming to an end, and the voting began.

You will never get used to feeling nervous about getting results, even when you weren't the object of it. But watching Switzerland get so many points from the jury made it a whole new experience. Italy was places below and everyone was silent.

The televoting points change everything, it was unpredictable, just like the whole competition. You had Damiano's hand in your left and Ethan's in your right, squeezing them, but adrenaline prevented you to feel anything else besides your heartbeat.

You wanted them to win so bad. They worked so hard to get where they are today, and while all contestants deserved a chance, you couldn't not be a little biased.

The 318 points to Italy were a game-changer, the crowd cheered, Victoria and Thomas jumped and screamed, and Damiano pulled you up into a hug, cheering with them; they were in the first place now. Crowd's favorite, obviously.

All that was left to hear was the number of points for Switzerland.

You've got to be kidding me, you thought.

It was tension between Switzerland and Italy, and you honestly didn't know who would win. But did it really have to be the two of them?

You felt the cameras focusing and your table, And everything was silent. You felt Gjon's stare, piercing through you. But the only thing you could focus on was Damiano's skin touching yours, his fingers intertwining with yours, and you knew that no matter the outcome, everything would be okay.

But alas, the points weren't enough to overthrow Italy, and you grinned, suddenly feeling Victoria's arms around you and Damiano's tears of joy on your neck. Everyone's screams made it seem like total silence and you smiled big, proud of your friends.

You were so happy you didn't realize they were soon dragging you with them to the stage to perform once again. In fact, you never felt so happy, you even started to sing loudly with the crowd.

Damiano, in his whole element, shining with pride and glory, motioned you to the stage by the end, pulled you in, and kissed you deeply, holding you close, and silently thanking you.

You knew life wasn't always going to be this pretty, but you thought, maybe you could live in this moment for a little while longer, kissing your frontman and giving yourself completely to the blinding lights of a victorious arena.

It was time to move on.

-

a/n: this was so bad i'm so sorry

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

Dream SMP Recap (December 26/2020)

Today was an...interesting day. Tubbo and Lani started decorating for the Festival with Skeppy’s sister, and Karl came online to essentially speedrun an entire country’s storyline in the span of a little over an hour, resulting in:

 The creation of Gogtopia, the War for Gogtopia, the flag and anthem of Gogtopia, and at last the destruction of Gogtopia. 

Gone but remembered?

---

- Tubbo and Lani play on the SMP. He says they’ll be decorating for the upcoming Festival today. Lani starts putting up some decorations on the houses of New L’manburg.

- Skeppy comes online and gets his sister to play. Ranboo comes along as well.

- Skeppy puts down lava in the Prime Church, killing Ranboo and burning all of his things, including his Memory Book and Antfrost’s trident.

- They tour around the Badlands.

- Ranboo searches for a trident.

- Karl gathers Fundy, Badboyhalo, George and Sam together for a canon stream. He sets a timer for one hour, meeting with them at Party Park. Everyone is confused, but Karl claims they’re making history. He threatens to take away one of Fundy’s canon lives. 

- He starts leading them away from New L’manburg, in the direction of untouched land. They arrive in a remote part of the forest and he announces that they will be building a new country in one hour, a new faction of the Dream SMP, and that when the timer runs out, something will happen, but he can’t tell them what.

- He declares that George shall name it. George declares it GOGTOPIA. They create a sacred Diorite platform that shall be untouchable.

- They start building and cure a zombie villager, creating the first native Gogtopian. They name him Gregory V and declare him the mayor.

- The fire on the diorite pillar is named “The Eternal Flame.”

- Fundy has built a snowman holding a hotdog. It is Alaska. Karl directs him towards a new plot of land to build another house on.

- 39 minutes left. Everyone is panicking. Sam is freaking out. Karl directs Sam and George to start building two more houses.

- Karl scrolls through flag submissions and directs Bad to finish his current house and start another. 

- George gets attacked by an Enderman. Bad kills Jeffrey. George goes into mourning. Karl scolds Bad for making a bad hangout area. Creepers start exploding. Karl directs Fundy to make a new house. Sam finishes building the mayor’s house and Karl tells him to start on another.

- George has an idea. He leads Karl into the mayor house, places down a jukebox and plays “13.” Sam plays “Wait.” They vibe for a few seconds and then get back to work.

- George creates some Ancient Totems: the totems of their people. He has created Lore. Lore PogChamp. There are 22 minutes left.

- George creates more Lore by putting a lead on a chicken and hanging it from a pole, declaring it the Chicken of Our People.

- Karl asks people to make an anthem.

- Fundy creates the Tower of How Rich. George tells Fundy that the Tower is interfering with the Ancient Powers, but Fundy insists it’s important to show How Rich. It doesn’t show Who’s Rich, just How.

- George creates more Lore by throwing a single egg into the air. It lands on Karl and FOUR CHICKENS COME OUT. Everyone screams.

- Bad starts making the Church of Prime Mobile. There are 15 minutes left.

- Fundy gets to pick the flag.

- Karl recites the anthem:

---

The wood and cobble, black stone too

Ancient totems are coming through 

and Gregory we never forget Gregory

He’s our mayor, our pride and joy

He loves and love him back

Our beautiful gogtopia

Gogy never lets us down

Church prime and the center of this town

Gogtopia.

---

- George creates Door Lore. He makes the Adoorable House. 10 minutes remain. Fundy has chosen a flag.

- Sam has to destroy part of the Lore for the Prime Path but that’s okay, because now it’s Lore that he had to destroy it.

- Fundy couldn’t choose one flag so he combined them all.

- 5 MINUTES REMAIN! Karl reminds them that they can’t work on Gogtopia anymore after the time ends, so they must clean everything up and make it look pretty NOW.

- A RAID STARTS. George had Bad Omen and Gregory is in danger. THE FIRST WAR FOR GOGTOPIA AND 1 MINUTE REMAINS. KARL STOPS THE CLOCK FOR THE WAR.

The Gogtopians successfully defeat the first wave. The second wave of War comes. 

The War for Gogtopia is underway!

They continue to fight. A Ravager arrives. The Gogtopians group up. Both Fundy and Karl get distracted by a bee.

The Gogtopians defeat the beast. GOGTOPIA WON THE WAR. They put the Ominous Banner on the Tower to represent their victory, as a monument to their first victory as a country.

- The time has come to an end. Gogtopia is complete. Everyone looks out upon the flag and takes their armor off in respect as they recite the anthem in unison, saluting.

- They take a final tour, but...

- A zombie kills Sam, and Sam says he’s trapped in a place he can’t escape, saying it would take him an hour to get back. Everyone circles around and attempts to summon him back by praying.

THEY BRING SAM BACK FROM THE DEAD. HE HAS RISEN.

HE LOST A CANON LIFE AND THEN HE GOT IT BACK.

--- CANON DEATH: Sam

Cause: Zombie

--- --- CANON UNDEATH: Sam

Cause: Summoning Circle

---

- A zombie apocalypse attacks, seeking their lives. The Gogtopians defend their town against the wave of attackers.

- After the second attack, the tour continues.

- They visit Gregory’s house and an assassin strikes. The Gogtopians defend their leader and keep him safe. They enter into Prime Church Mobile. They ring the holy bell together. The Bells of Gogtopia ring with their music.

- As one last piece of lore...

Karl says “I’ll be right back” and steps away...

Karl takes from his Ender Chest several pieces of TNT and goes around Gogtopia, setting them alight as the Gogtopians watch in despair.

- Karl explains that this city is not named Gogtopia anymore, but rather...

The Town That Never Was.

- Everyone is annoyed and wants revenge. Karl logs off before they can take a canon life from him, but then they propose destroying Party Island or possibly Karl’s house. Who knows what they will do?

Such is the story of Gogtopia, started and now complete.

- Karl declares it to be a successful Dream SMP “Beach Episode.”

A side story!

---

Upcoming Events:

- The New L’manburg Festival will be held on Tuesday the 29th

- Dream mentioned that Pandora’s Vault would be completed shortly after Christmas

[1962dude420-blog]

Today we remember the passing of Daniel Johnston who Died: September 11, 2019 in Waller, Texas

Daniel Dale Johnston (January 22, 1961 – c. September 11, 2019) was an American singer-songwriter and visual artist regarded as a significant figure in outsider, lo-fi, and alternative music scenes. Most of his work consisted of cassettes recorded alone in his home, and his music was frequently cited for its "pure" and "childlike" qualities.

Johnston spent extended periods in psychiatric institutions and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He gathered a local following in the 1980s by passing out tapes of his music while working at a McDonald's in Dobie Center in Austin, Texas. His cult status was propelled when Nirvana's Kurt Cobain was seen wearing a T-shirt that featured artwork from Johnston's 1983 cassette album Hi, How Are You.

Beyond music, Johnston was accomplished as a visual artist, with his illustrations exhibited at various galleries around the world. His struggles with mental illness were the subject of the 2005 documentary The Devil and Daniel Johnston. He died in 2019 of what is suspected to have been a heart attack.

Johnston was born in Sacramento, California, and grew up in New Cumberland, West Virginia. He was the youngest of five children of William Dale "Bill" Johnston (1922–2017) and Mabel Ruth Voyles Johnston (1923–2010). He began recording music in the late 1970s on a $59 Sanyo monaural boombox, singing and playing piano as well as the chord organ. Following graduation from Oak Glen High School, Johnston spent a few weeks at Abilene Christian University in West Texas before dropping out. He later attended the art program at Kent State University, East Liverpool, during which he recorded Songs of Pain and More Songs of Pain.

When Johnston moved to Austin, Texas, he began to attract the attention of the local press and gained a following augmented in numbers by his habit of handing out tapes to people he met. Live performances were well-attended and hotly anticipated. His local standing led to him being featured in a 1985 episode of the MTV program The Cutting Edge featuring performers from Austin's "New Sincerity" music scene.

In 1988, Johnston visited New York City and recorded 1990 with producer Mark Kramer at his Noise New York studio. This was Johnston's first experience in a professional recording environment after a decade of releasing home-made cassette recordings. His mental health further deteriorated during the making of 1990. In 1989, Johnston released the album It's Spooky in collaboration with singer Jad Fair of the band Half Japanese.

In 1990, Johnston played at a music festival in Austin, Texas. On the way back to West Virginia on a private two-seater plane piloted by his father Bill, Johnston had a manic psychotic episode; believing he was Casper the Friendly Ghost, Johnston removed the key from the plane's ignition and threw it outside. His father, a former U.S. Air Force pilot, managed to successfully crash-land the plane, even though "there was nothing down there but trees". Although the plane was destroyed, Johnston and his father emerged with only minor injuries. As a result of this episode, Johnston was involuntarily committed to a mental hospital.

Interest in Johnston increased when Kurt Cobain was frequently photographed wearing a T-shirt featuring the cover image of Johnston's album Hi, How Are You that music journalist Everett True gave him. Cobain listed Yip/Jump Music as one of his favorite albums in his journal in 1993. In spite of Johnston being resident in a mental hospital at the time, there was a bidding war to sign him. He refused to sign a multi-album deal with Elektra Records because Metallica was on the label's roster and he was convinced that they were Satanic and would hurt him, also dropping his longtime manager, Jeff Tartakov, in the process. Ultimately he signed with Atlantic Records in February 1994 and that September released Fun, produced by Paul Leary of Butthole Surfers. It was a commercial failure. In June 1996, Atlantic dropped Johnston from the label.

In 1993, the Sound Exchange record store in Austin, Texas, commissioned Johnston to paint a mural of the Hi, How Are You? frog (also known as "Jeremiah the Innocent") from the album's cover. After the record store closed in 2003, the building remained unoccupied until 2004 when the Mexican grill franchise Baja Fresh took ownership and decided that they would remove the wall that held the mural. A group of people who lived in the neighborhood convinced the managers and contractors to keep the mural intact. In 2018, the building housed a Thai restaurant called "Thai, How Are You". Thai How Are You permanently closed in January 2020. The building remains empty

In 2004, he released The Late Great Daniel Johnston: Discovered Covered, a two-disc compilation. The first disc featured covers of his songs by artists including Tom Waits, Beck, TV on the Radio, Jad Fair, Eels, Bright Eyes, Calvin Johnson, Death Cab for Cutie, Sparklehorse, Mercury Rev, The Flaming Lips and Starlight Mints, with the second disc featuring Johnston's original recordings of the songs. In 2005, Texas-based theater company Infernal Bridegroom Productions received a Multi-Arts Production/MAP Fund grant to work with Johnston to create a rock opera based on his music, titled Speeding Motorcycle.

In 2006, Jeff Feuerzeig released a documentary about Johnston, The Devil and Daniel Johnston; the film, four years in the making, collated some of the vast amount of recorded material Johnston (and in some case, others) had produced over the years to portray his life and music. The film won high praise, receiving the Director's Award at the 2005 Sundance Film Festival. The film also inspired more interest in Johnston's work, and increased his prestige as a touring artist. In 2006, Johnston's label, Eternal Yip Eye Music, released his first greatest-hits compilation, Welcome to My World.

Through the next few years Johnston toured extensively across the world, and continued to attract press attention. His artwork was shown in galleries such as in London's Aquarium Gallery, New York's Clementine Gallery and at the Liverpool Biennial in 2006 and 2008, and in 2009, his work was exhibited at "The Museum of Love" at Verge Gallery in Sacramento, California. In 2008, Dick Johnston, Johnston's brother and manager, revealed that "a movie deal based on the artist's life and music had been finalized with a tentative 2011 release." He also said that a deal had been struck with the Converse company for a "signature series" Daniel Johnston shoe. Later, it was revealed by Dick Johnston that Converse had dropped the plan. In early 2008, a Jeremiah the Innocent collectible figurine was released in limited runs of four different colors. Later in the year, Adjustable Productions released Johnston's first concert DVD, The Angel and Daniel Johnston – Live at the Union Chapel, featuring a 2007 appearance in Islington, London.

Is and Always Was was released on October 6, 2009, on Eternal Yip Eye Music. In 2009, it was announced that Matt Groening had chosen Johnston to perform at the edition of the All Tomorrow's Parties festival that he curated in May 2010, in Minehead, England. Also that year, Dr. Fun Fun and Smashing Studios developed an iPhone platform game called Hi, How Are You. The game is similar to Frogger, but features Johnston's art and music. Johnston played it during its development and liked it, although he was not familiar with the iPhone.

On March 13, 2012, Johnston released his first comic book, Space Ducks – An Infinite Comic Book of Musical Greatness at SXSW, published by BOOM! Studios. The comic book ties-in with the Space Ducks album and an iOS app. Johnston collaborated with skateboarding and clothing company Supreme on numerous collections (consisting of clothing and various accessories) showcasing his artwork.

On March 1, 2012, Brooklyn-based photographer Jung Kim announced her photo book and traveling exhibition project with Johnston titled DANIEL JOHNSTON: here, a collaboration that began in 2008 when Kim first met Johnston and began photographing him on the road and at his home in Waller, Texas. On March 13, 2013, this photography book was published, featuring five years of documentation on Johnston. The opening exhibition at SXSW festival featured a special performance by Johnston along with tribute performances led by Jason Sebastian Russo formerly of Mercury Rev. The second exhibition ran in May and June 2013 in London, England, and featured a special performance by Johnston along with tribute performances by the UK band Charlie Boyer and the Voyeurs with Steffan Halperin of the Klaxons. On October 10, 2013, Jason Pierce of Spiritualized hosted the New York City opening of the exhibition, which included special tribute performances led by Pierce and Glen Hansard of The Swell Season and The Frames.

In November 2015, Hi, How Are You Daniel Johnston?, a short documentary about Johnston's life, was released featuring Johnston as his 2015 self and Gabriel Sunday of Archie's Final Project as Johnston's 1983 self. The executive producers for the film included Lana Del Rey and Mac Miller.

In July 2017, Johnston announced that he would be retiring from live performance and would embark on a final five-date tour that fall. Each stop on the tour featured Johnston backed by a group that had been influenced by his music: The Preservation All-Stars in New Orleans, The Districts and Modern Baseball in Philadelphia, Jeff Tweedy in Chicago, and Built to Spill for the final two dates in Portland and Vancouver.

On September 11, 2019, Johnston was found dead from a suspected heart attack at his home in Waller, Texas, a day after he was released from the hospital for unspecified kidney problems. It is believed that he died overnight.

[asianrepresentationinmedia]

Post 6: Paradigm Shift of Asian American Representation in Media

After decades of misrepresentation, the gendered stereotyping of Asian men and women as discussed previously, from Fu Manchu and Dragon Lady/Lotus Blossom tropes, the usage of yellowface, cultural appropriation, and the limiting of Asian actors to a few racially stereotypical roles, at last the racial barriers built by Hollywood were kicked down upon the arrival of Bruce Lee. 

While Lee managed to gain some popularity with his role in the tv series The Green Hornet (1966), he was overlooked for lead roles in favor of white actors (Low, 2021). He then decided to leave the U.S. for Hong Kong to advance his career as an actor where he was catapulted to fame after the release of The Big Boss (1971) which was a huge box office success (Blake, 2018). Other films such as First of Fury (1971) and The Chinese Connection (1972) brought Lee into further spotlight which resulted in Hollywood becoming interested in him once again. After Lee revolutionized Hong Kong martial arts cinema, he went on to break through U.S. mainstream media and reconstructed the way Asians were depicted on screen by starting the “kung-fu craze” in the 70s (Desser, 2002). 

The unprecedented success of Lee marked a paradigm shift in Hollywood where Asian men, in particular, had previously been pigeonholed into roles as submissive servants, unskilled laborers, reincarnations of Fu Manchu, geeky sidekicks, unattractive, and comedy relief (Low, 2021). This paradigm shift became both a curse and a blessing as his popularity in the 1980s led to the entrenchment of the “All Asians Know Martial Arts” trope (Low, 2021). New martial arts actors that followed such as Jackie Chan and Jet Li were both referred to as “the next Bruce Lee” and martial arts films from this decade went on to inspire and influence action films and martial artists for generations after, even to this day. Bruce Lee is a prime example of the ways and possibilities that powerful stereotypes that have been around for decades can be challenged and broken and consequently change representations of Asian and Asian Americans for generations after. 

Following Bruce Lee, the year 2000 was a triumphant year for Asian cinema with Wong Kar-Wai’s In the Mood for Love premiering at the 2000 Cannes Film Festival and Ang Lee’s Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon also making its premiere (Low, 2021). Both films were game-changers for Asian films in international theatres but it wasn’t until the release of Crazy Rich Asians (2018) which marked a momentous step in Asian representation being the first film with an all-Asian cast since The Joy Luck Club in 1993 and breaking a record in its premiere as the highest-grossing romantic comedy in a decade (Calub, 2021). The Farewell (2019) also received praise for its authentic depiction of Asian families. 

The 2020s marks the “golden age” of Asian representation in cinema, with films such as Minari (2020) winning best supporting actress Oscar for Yuh-Jung Youn (the second ever actress of Asian descent to win in that category) and showcasing an American story with characters not typically seen as American, Parasite (2019) going on to win four Oscar awards, Director Chloé Zhao winning best director for Nomadland (2020) and being chosen to direct the next epic Marvel film Eternals (2021), Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021) being the first-ever Asian-led superhero film to make it to theatres, and Squid Game (2021) being the first Korean tv show making history as the most-watched show on Netflix and topping streaming company’s drama charts in all 83 countries (Calub, 2021). All of these allowed Asians and Asian Americans to catch a glimpse of themselves on screen in a way that hasn’t really been shown before however, these films are mostly representing East Asians and not South or Southeast Asians who are still severely underrepresented in mainstream media.

Despite these major breakthroughs in Asian cinema, a study called “I am not a Fetish or Model Minority” reviewed the top 10 grossing movies each year from 2010 to 2019, and noted that among those films, only 4.5 percent of the main cast were Asian and Pacific Islander roles which show that there is still far ways to go in Asian representation and these are just the first steps. Nancy Wang Yuen, a sociologist, told NBC “That just speaks to the lack of authority that Asians have to be able to tell their own stories in Hollywood and the kind of trope of using Asians as objects” (Calub, 2021).

To tackle issues of underrepresentation and increase diversity, Netflix released a study to analyze the makeup of Netflix’s on-screen talent including creators, producers, writers, and directors to see where it can improve on closing diversity gaps (Boorstin, 2021). The streaming platform will work on asking questions like “Whose voice is missing? Is this portrayal authentic? Who is excluded?” as it commits to an “inclusion lens” to its work (Boorstin, 2021). The company has created a fund called Creative Equity where it plans on investing $100 million over the next five years “in organizations that help underrepresented communities train and find jobs in TV and film” as well as releasing an update to this study every two years until 2026 (Boorstin, 2021). The co-CEO Ted Sarandos says “doing better means establishing even more opportunities for people from underrepresented communities to have their voices heard, and purposefully closing capacity and skill gaps with training programs where they are needed” which gives traditionally underrepresented and often misrepresented communities hope for finally being able to see a glimpse of themselves and their communities on-screen (Boorstin, 2021).