#D.e.n.n.i.s system

[kennysaysthings]

So Mac tried to set Dennis up with someone in The Gang Gets Romantic, and now we see the D.E.N.N.I.S system for men in the trailer….

Let’s be incredibly real right now, the best thing they can do to convince the other that they don’t want this is to set them up with someone else. Why is it Mac and Dennis and Dee trying to find love again? Why is it them? Why is Dennis seemingly leading the group now?

“I think we’re gonna end up cutting you out of this almost entirely” is a line said to Dee by Dennis in The Gang Gets Romantic. Will they kick Dee out of this scheme once again and just go through the motions of trying to set each other up on dates? Time is a never ending circle my friends.

[ninamilkovich]

the category is 2010's male manipulators

[a3cc54]

[cruiseshipmoment]

I just realized that Mac insisting they preserve the order of the systems in "The D.E.N.N.I.S. System" is because any other order interferes with his actual goal of sleeping with Dennis by proxy.

[imwritesometimes]

every time I see any meme w/Dennis eating cereal in the car I think abt how I would take a cup with milk & cereal in the car when I'd drive to school and eat on my way and then that episode came out years later and all my friends were like dude........ you are a lil Dennis ass bitch

[nachoxpsi]

Wait wait wait hold on! SENNID SYSTEM!? WHATS GOING ON-

[charmac]

The fact that The S.I.N.N.E.D. System is not only the reverse of The D.E.N.N.I.S. System by name, but in its actual goal:

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System ends with Separate Entirely and begins with the avoidance of going on a date. It’s purely about sex.

The S.I.N.N.E.D. System ends with Do You Want a Tissue? Dennis’ tried and true method to secure a second date, and:

it works for Dee but she sabotages herself—because she has no interest in pursuing a man romantically; it works for Mac but he bows out—because he already has a man he’s pursuing romantically;

The S.I.N.N.E.D. System is about romance. Dating, consistently, something Dennis makes very clear he doesn't do...

Except:

"This is a man we're talking about,

it's always about him."

[a3cc54]

[festivalsofmargot]

Hey I just found you recently and I fell in love with way you write!! I wanted ask for something with Sebastian. Him asking the reader to the Yule ball, then going to the Yule ball together, maybe theyre friends with some secret pining in the picture too. Idk know, maybe him confessing. I just want romantic idiots in love kind of stuff. Thank you!!

The Northcott System

{Sebastian Sallow x GN!Reader}

Introduction: Garreth Weasley has asked the infamous Eric Northcott for dating advice. In order to seem more desirable to you, he needs to play mind games. So instead of asking you to the ball, he asks Nellie Oggspire. This is where he pulls in Sebastian Sallow for help with his plan. Garreth knows he doesn’t have feelings for you, so it would be harmless for him to take you to the ball, right? Unfortunately, shoving you and Sebastian together in this way backfires. And Sebastian becomes just as head over heels for you as Garreth is.

Word Count: ~ 5,700 words

Warnings: Kissing, Some Underage Drinking

Author’s Note: Man... I am ALL FOR YULE BALL ONESHOTS! Lol ramielll, I can’t thank you enough for the request.❤ Romantic high school idiots in love kind of stuff is my shit! I think it's so much fun to write. It’s so awkward and lovey dovey, I adore it. I feel so bad making Garreth the sucker in these Sebastian stories but he fits too well 😭 I need to make more Garreth stories to make up for it, he doesn’t deserve this. Fun fact, Eric Northcott’s advice in this came from my father-in-law. My husband is very lucky he didn’t pull that shit or I would have been long gone lmfaooo (The title is in reference to Sunny in Philadelphia’s D.E.N.N.I.S. System, you’re a real one if you caught it 😉.)

Songs (if interested):

Evergreen - Richy Mitch & The Coal Miners

drift/(:( - Alek Olsen

Butterflies (feat. AURORA) - Tom Odell

The Kiss - Trevor Jones

The Reason - Hoobastank

“Eric Northcott says the best way to get someone obsessed with you is to treat them like royalty, then ignore them for a few weeks.” Garreth Weasley told his group of friends in the hall.

“You took dating advice from Eric Northcott?” Ominis asked in disbelief. 

“Of course I did.” Garreth responded proudly, as if he were the smartest person in the world to have done so. 

“Why on earth would you do that?”

“Don’t even pretend you haven’t heard about all the dates he’s pulled, Ominis.”

“Oh I’ve heard. Doesn’t sound like he’s been able to keep any of them though.”

“He’s a free man, Ominis. He just doesn’t want to be held down.”

Sebastian was half paying attention to the conversation around him. He knew it was related to the upcoming ball, but that’s all. He was looking over his notes on the recent restricted section find of his. It was too big and bulky of a book to carry around everywhere he went, so he had jotted down all he could to read over throughout the day.

“But this is why I need you, Sebastian.”

“Hmm?” Sebastian glanced up at Garreth.

“I know you haven’t spoken much, maybe not even at all for all I know. But I need you to take the new fifth year to the ball.”

Sebastian raised a questioning brow at him. “Why?”

It took way too much effort for Sebastian to try and follow Garreth’s plan. Garreth was going to take Nellie Oggspire to the ball, so he wanted Sebastian to take you to ensure no one with ulterior motives did. According to dating expert, Eric Northcott, you would be riddled with jealousy seeing Garreth with someone else. Then the day after the ball, he’d go up to you and confess his feelings. After seeing how he had other options, he’d be all the more desirable and you’d be over the moon to be chosen by him.

Sebastian felt like the plan was missing a few steps, or maybe had too many wrong ones to begin with. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to - oh, I don’t know - just go with the person you like to begin with?” He tried not to sound smart, but of course he sounded smart.

“It’s genius, Sebastian. You just don’t get it.”

“Evidently not.” He exhaled, looking back to his notes. But, now that he thought about it, he did need a date. He’d had tunnel vision on research for Anne’s curse, the ball had snuck up on him. There wasn’t anyone else who had popped up in his head to ask either. He had been a bit too preoccupied for anyone to catch his eye in that way.

He thought back to every interaction he’d had with you, which wasn’t many. You had held your own against him well enough while dueling in Defense Against the Dark Arts class, but he couldn’t know for sure how good you were. He had held back greatly considering you had just learned levioso and you were using a second hand wand. The only other time he could remember was when you two were partnered in potions class. There wasn’t a whole lot of getting to know each other then either. Still being so new to the magic world, you asked him endless questions about that day’s brew. He thought it a fine quality for someone to have, eager to learn rather than quick to dismiss what you didn’t understand. You were pretty easy on the eyes too.

Sebastian rubbed at his brows with his thumb and forefinger. “Alright, Weasley. I don’t get this plan but I’ll do it. Now if you’ll excuse me,” Sebastian closed up his notes. “I’m off to get a date to the ball apparently.”

-

How could I be so stupid to think Garreth liked me in that way? You inwardly chided yourself. The sting of finding out he had asked Nellie Oggspire to the ball still hadn’t dissipated. The way he had treated you so kindly lately had you certain he was going to ask you to the ball. But not only did he ask someone else, he had noticeably distanced himself from you out of nowhere. You weren’t sure what you did that seemed to upset him, but you didn’t have the time to chase after him and find out. You were already behind enough as it was, maybe the space between you two would help you catch up and get focused.

You hummed a song as you tended to the carnivorous plants in the greenhouse. You usually would have the energy to at least lightly sing some of the words for them, knowing they enjoyed music. But today, you didn’t have the gusto.

The greenhouse door opening and shutting pulled your attention and your humming ceased. You peeked over your shoulder. “Hello, Sebastian. How are you?” 

“I’m well, thank you.” He answered as he made his way over, becoming suddenly nervous. He realized he didn’t have a plan on what to say as soon as he was alone with you.

Just as you were about to bring your focus back to the plants, you remembered you had wanted to speak with him. “Oh! I’m glad you’re here, I've been thinking about you recently.”

He stopped in his tracks and a blush crept up his neck. You’ve been thinking of me?  “Oh?” Was all he could get himself to say.

“Yes.” You nodded enthusiastically, setting down your gardening tools and walking up to him. You brought yourself close and it put him on edge a bit. Keeping your voice low, you asked, “Do you think you could help me get into the uh -” You glanced at the door making sure it was closed all the way, “restricted section sometime soon?”

“Huh.” He didn’t know what he expected you to say to him, but it certainly wasn’t that. He was taken aback by your request, but, even more so, he was intrigued. A smirk tugged at his lips. “Seems I’ve got a reputation if even you’ve heard about my excursions. Whatever for, may I ask?”

“A book on ancient magic, that’s all I know unfortunately. Have you come across any such thing? Do you know where it would be down there?”

Now you had really piqued his interest. He had been trying to look into ancient magic himself lately for Anne. “Hmm. I’ve come across some passages here and there. But I don’t recall seeing any books solely on ancient magic.”

“Ah.” You said, disappointed.

“But another trip to look wouldn’t hurt.” He said quickly. “No matter how much Madam Scribner disagrees. I can get you down there this weekend.”

Your eyes lit up. “Will you? Oh thank you, Sebastian. You have no idea how much you’d be helping me out, you’d be my hero for this.”

He rubbed at the back of his neck, getting a little bashful at the thought of being ‘your hero’, even just a small one that helped you find a book. “Don’t mention it.”

“No seriously, thank you. I’m sorry I have to drag you into helping me at all.” You exhaled, frustrated. “I mean what even is the point of a restricted section? You’d think a proper magical education would include all magic, none of this some are fine, some are off limits nonsense.”

His eyes widened a bit, words seeming to evade him. Seems a kindred spirit may have been closer than he realized.

“Look at me rambling on, now I’m just venting.” You shook your head. “I distracted you from what you needed to do in here, I apologize. I’ll let you get to it.” You went to return to the plants but Sebastian grabbed at your wrist to stop you.

“I came here to find you actually.” You faced him again and he cleared his throat, releasing you. “Garreth told me you’d be in here.”

You tried not to look bitter at the mention of Garreth. “What can I do for you?”

How does one go about asking another to a ball? Especially when it wasn’t his idea. He at least knew it wouldn't be very endearing to mention that part. Maybe he didn’t need to overcomplicate it. Just get the basic idea out, then embellish if asked anything further. “The upcoming ball. Would you like to go with me?”

The surprise was clear as day on your face, but it was a pleasant surprise, Sebastian was relieved to note. Was he holding his breath? 

Sebastian Sallow was asking you to the ball? You weren’t against the idea, not at all. Sebastian Sallow of all people, who would have thought? The two of you had never really spoken, to be honest you didn’t think he knew your name. 

“Y - Yes, I would actually.” You smiled at him, looking genuinely glad he asked you.

He huffed out a breathy laugh and began to feel giddy. Calm down, Sallow. It’s not like this is someone you’ve been pining for. He tried to inwardly deflate himself. This was the first real conversation he’d had with you, how could he possibly feel so elated to you saying ‘yes’ to him? Just happy to have a date to the ball, that must be it.

“That’s -” He cleared his throat, regaining his composure. “That’s all I needed, I suppose. So, I’ll be off.” He said, staying in place and shifting on his feet. He didn’t want to leave the greenhouse, he realized. “See you this weekend?”

You nodded your head, a smile still gracing your lips. “You will.” 

Sebastian returned your smile, then went to leave. When he opened the door, he took one last glance at you before he stepped out. His stomach jumped seeing you still looking at him, a little thrilled you were staring after him. He wanted to say something more, but couldn’t think of anything quick enough. He gave a small bow of his head in goodbye, then left the greenhouse.

Was it supposed to be this thrilling when a boy you barely spoke to asked you to a ball?

-

Sebastian rubbed at his jaw as he made his way out of the herbology wing, his face was starting to hurt from grinning so hard. He was thinking he should write down a list of all the books he’d come across that mentioned ancient magic for you. Just in case you were interested. 

He was so deep in thought he hadn’t noticed Garreth watch him leave the greenhouse and walk up behind him.

“How did it go? Is the plan on?” Garreth asked, breaking Sebastian from his thoughts.

Oh right, the plan. Sebastian thought it was more idiotic by the second, but it got him a date with someone he hadn’t realized he had some things in common with, so it couldn’t be that bad. He stopped walking and faced Garreth, glancing over the red head’s shoulder to make sure you weren’t coming out of the greenhouse. “Sure, it’s on. What now?”

“Brilliant.” Garreth was ecstatic. “Now all I have to do is keep my distance until the ball’s over.”

Sebastian seemed to like the sound of that. “Uh - right. Good thinking. Well, best be off.” Sebastian turned to make his way to his dorm, keen on getting that book list started for you.

“You’re a real one for this, Seb!” Garreth called after him. 

Without looking back, Sebastian gave him a thumbs up.

-

Would he look overeager having brought the list of books and this enchanted bag? Merlin, he hoped not. He was already waiting for you outside the library, a little too late to have that regret.

He pushed up off the wall he was leaning against when he saw you approach. “You’re here.” He said, as if he were a little shocked you were actually going through with this.

“Don’t look so surprised.” You spoke in a hushed tone and smirked. “What’s that you’ve got there?” You asked, looking down at the bag and parchment in his hands.

“Oh, it’s - I was thinking - In case you wanted to take any more books that mention ancient magic while we’re down there, you could put them in here. It’s an enchanted bag that can fit just about anything.”

Your eyes widened, it was very thoughtful of him to go out of his way for you like that. “You’re joking. You didn’t have to do this.” You went up and took the items from him, looking over the list and taking a peek inside the bag.

You were right. He didn’t have to. But for whatever reason, he really wanted to. Why did I want to? 

“I usually bring one anyway. It was no trouble.” The first part was a lie. “Now, do you know the disillusionment spell?”

-

It was way too late in the night when Sebastian returned to his dorm room. But he wasn’t tired, not at all, not after what you and him had just gone through to get that book. 

After kicking off his shoes and shrugging off his robes, he slid into bed easily. He folded his arms behind his head and looked up at the ceiling, already nostalgic for the night he just had with you.

You were… Wow, you were something. Sneaking into the restricted section with you was already riveting. Going through all the books on that list he made and glancing over them together had stirred him. You two stood close while he pointed out the relevant passages he had found, and you listened attentively, as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world. But when you two had found that ancient magic vault, he was done for. What an adventure that was! 

He had so many emotions about it all. Discovering that ancient magic still existed had him ecstatic, he knew there were untouched areas of magic to explore further for Anne. And watching you wield it as if you had done so your whole life had him overwhelmed with hope, hope he was sure his uncle was nearly successful in getting rid of. And to top it off, exploring that vault and fighting giant guardian statues alongside you was… Wow! It was the first time he’d felt so alive since Anne got cursed.

How could someone like you have been under his nose this whole time? He thought back to when you were partnered in potions class, had he really been so blind even then? He couldn’t be wasting any more time. He only had a few weeks until the ball and Garreth would be pulling all the stops to make you his.

-

Sebastian sneaked glances at you during breakfast. You seemed to be busy finishing up some last minute homework, every now and then taking a bite of your toast. Had you always made simple acts look this endearing? Even the face you made while you fixated on your homework had his insides warming like a first year with a crush.

Your gaze lifted from your writing to look around the dining hall in thought. Your eyes landed on him, and he immediately wanted to die, embarrassed he got caught staring. But then you smiled at him, and he didn’t want to die anymore. He smiled back and you went back to your homework.

Gathering your belongings, you got up from your seat and made your way over to him. He got antsy as he watched you approach, but he was able to keep an air of calm. 

“Sebastian, could I steal you for a moment?” You asked in a hushed tone.

“Of course.” Stop sounding so eager, you buffoon. He got up and followed you until you were just out of hearing distance from everyone else.

“I got a lead on where the book’s missing pages are. And I um - Well, I -”

Sebastian eyed you as you started shuffling your feet. Are you nervous? 

“I was wondering - you know, since we worked so well together getting the book - if you’d like to come with me to get them? No need to feel like you have to! I just thought -”

“Absolutely, I’m coming with you.” He found himself saying.

An ecstatic look formed on your features, but you tried to bite it back. “Great, I’ll meet you after dinner tonight.”

Sebastian gave you a nod, trying to hold back an enthusiasm of his own. 

You held your books closer to you as you started to take your leave, but you stopped suddenly, remembering something. “Oh, Sebastian. Before I forget.” You had his full attention again as you dug around in your robes pocket. “Ah, here it is.” You held out a shrivelfig to him, giving him a look of go on, take it.

He took it gingerly from your hand and looked at you, bewildered.

“You mentioned you spent the last of your money on a shrivelfig to try out for Anne, but your uncle destroyed it.” 

Sebastian lifted his brows, amazed you had remembered such a thing. “Thank you.” He said, meaning it more than you knew.

“It’s the least I can do for all your help.” You waved him off. “I’ve been growing some anyway, and I’ve got more on the way if you ever need.” You were getting jumpier by the second and knew you had to get out of there before you made an idiot of yourself. “See you tonight.”

He was about to speak but you rushed off before he could get anything out. He looked down at the shrivelfig and turned it in his hand. You’d only been speaking a few days, and he already had it bad for you.

-

All too soon, it was the night of the ball, the last night he’d have with you before Garreth’s plan came to an end and he’d try to make you his. He wanted to enjoy it. He wondered if he should confront Weasley, but what would the point be if you didn’t have feelings for him any way? You and Garreth had been close for a majority of the year, while you and Sebastian only had these last few weeks together… these wondrous, extraordinary, marvelous few weeks.

He leaned up against the wall with his hands in his pockets as he waited. Nellie Oggspire had just walked down the steps and linked arms with Garreth. The red head gave him a knowing nod of his head as he passed, and Sebastian nodded back, trying not to tip him off that anything was amiss.

He glanced back up at the stairs to see if the person who just arrived was you. He saw it wasn’t and looked back down. Wait, yes it is! He shot up off the wall and stood up straight. He hardly recognized you, you cleaned up so wonderfully. He found you plenty attractive in your day-to-day getups already, yet you still managed to bring yourself up another level? Your smile at him as you walked down the steps was a spell in its own right. That’s not fair. He wanted to whine.

He met you at the bottom of the stairs, holding out his hand for you to take as you walked down the last few steps. He kept his eyes on yours as he kissed your knuckles. The feel of his lips on your skin had you weak, thankfully he held out his arm for you to take. Hopefully he wouldn’t mind if you leaned on him a bit.

The two of you looked out to the great hall, admiring how everything had been redone for the ball. Sebastian caught sight of Garreth gawking at you like he was in pain. Pushing Garreth to the back of his mind, he glanced back at you and was relieved you didn’t seem to notice the green eyed boy.

He cleared his throat, trying to forget Weasley existed. “Would you like to dance?”

“Yes, please.” You smiled sweetly. Dancing was the best next step. Your nerves were wild within you holding onto Sebastian like this, no way you would have been able to keep still.

He guided you to the dance floor and twirled you before bringing you into the proper waltz stance, just as you hoped he would. You looked up at him, holding each other a bit closer than what was probably appropriate for a school dance, and wondered how you two could possibly be so in sync after only a few weeks of getting to know each other. 

You had never thought yourself to be a great dancer. But somehow, with Sebastian in the lead, you felt as if you had suddenly become an expert. It must have been all the dueling the two of you had done together, that was practically a dance in and of itself. Being constantly aware of where the other was at all times, covering each other’s blind spots, not allowing one misstep to let the other get a scratch on them.

Neither of you had any idea how many songs you danced through. If you had the stamina, you two remained on the dance floor. Sebastian couldn’t recall ever liking dancing this much, couldn’t recall ever liking it in the slightest. But you seemed to bring it out of him, he wasn’t complaining. 

It wasn’t until Sebastian started to overheat in his coat that he realized how long the two of you had been going. “I don’t want to stop but I need to take this off.” He huffed with a laugh, slowing the two of you down to a stop. He hated that he had to throw off the momentum at all.

“It’s alright.” You panted. “I need to run to the washroom anyway. Grab us some drinks for when I’m back!” You called to him as you sped off, wanting to return as soon as possible. 

Garreth caught Sebastian’s dreamy stare as he watched you walk off. He excused himself from Nellie to get drinks at the same time as him. 

Sebastian didn’t seem to notice Garreth approach, too caught up in getting a glass for you and him, a pleased smile on his face. Garreth cleared his throat to grab his attention and Sebastian’s gaze shot up, his smile faltering. “Evening.” Garreth said, eyeing him.

“Evening.” Sebastian replied innocently, hoping that was the end of it. With drinks in hand, he went and found the table with your names on it. Garreth, forgetting drinks for him and Nellie, followed close in pursuit. Once he set down your glasses, Sebastian shrugged off his jacket then placed it on the back of the chair. All the while, wishing Garreth would take a hint and sod off.

“Look Sallow. I’m grateful you’re helping me out, but could you tone it down a bit? You two uh… really seem to be enjoying yourselves.” He glanced at the entrance to make sure you weren’t coming back yet, then turned back to Sebastian. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to make a move.” Garreth chuckled amicably, but Sebastian could still hear the warning in it.

“Garreth, relax. It's all a part of the plan.” He’d say anything to keep Garreth away from you that night. “Don’t wuss out now and ruin all your progress. Now off you go, back to Nellie, distance makes the heart grow fonder and such.” He shooed.

Garreth gave him one last uneasy glance, then went on his way. 

Sebastian sat himself down while he waited for you. Catching his breath and trying to recover so he’d be ready to dance again when you returned. He looked up towards the entrance and locked eyes with you as you made your way back. You smiled at each other, both thankful there was still plenty of the night left to go. 

Ominis put his hand on Sebastian’s shoulder, giving a quick whistle to grab his attention. Sebastian glanced up then down at the flask he was expertly sneaking to him. 

“Ominis, you bad bad boy.” Sebastian laughed. Looking back at you, he smoothly took it from him. He hid it in his lap as you arrived and slid into the seat next to him. He realized then, he wouldn’t have any if you didn’t.

“You better give me some of that.” 

He also realized he’d gladly share. Sebastian was slightly aroused at seeing this misbehaving side of yours, how sly you were when holding your glass under the table for him to pour some of the flask in. He then swiftly poured some into his glass under the table as well, then put the cap back on to give back to Ominis.

“If anyone suspects anything, you and I had a fight and didn’t speak to each other at all tonight.” Ominis slid the flask back into his coat and left to join Isaac Cooper’s side.

“Bet I can get it down smoother than you can.” You teased, holding up your glass to cheers with his.

“Can you now?” Sebastian brought up his glass, clinking it with yours. You linked your arm with his and then brought the glass to your lips. He did the same, and you two chugged, keeping your eyes locked. 

The both of you handled it about the same, faces only contorting marginally at the dreadful taste. It wasn’t much, but downing it as you both had could get you a slight buzz.

“Do this often, do you?” You and Sebastian released each other, setting down your glasses and standing.

“I had a life before Hogwarts, believe it or not.” You chuckled as he grabbed your hand and pulled you back out towards the dance floor.

The musicians shifted the tone from elegant waltzing music to exhilarant jig music, a vocalist joining in to sing some well known shanties. You and Sebastian joined in the crowd of students, singing and swaying along. 

With the buzz still warm on your cheeks as you stood side by side in the crowd, he threw an arm around you. You gladly wrapped an arm around him as well, reaching your other hand up to hold onto his on your shoulder. This was one of the greatest nights of his life.

-

Both you and Sebastian were exhausted. Try as you might, you couldn’t stay any longer. You were both worn thin, your night had been incredible.

“Ow.” You whined groggily, resting a hand on the nearest wall.

“What’s wrong?” Sebastian shrugged on his coat then put a hand on your shoulder, looking you up and down in concern.

“My shoes are brand new and I didn’t break them in before tonight. My feet are killing me.” You laughed.

A smirk formed on his face as an idea popped in his head. He moved in front of you and bent his knees slightly. He gestured with his head towards his back. “Up you go.” He said.

Your eyes widened slightly as you stared at him, amused. Then, without another word, you hopped on his back, wrapping your arms and legs around him.

“Where to?” He asked as he gripped your thighs and walked on easily.

Holding on tight, you remembered you had a few magical beasts to feed and brush before bed.

-

As Sebastian carried you to the room of requirement, he was feeling bubble headed in the best way. He hitched you up higher, more out of his bustling nerves than feeling like he didn’t have a good enough hold on you. You rested your cheek against the side of his head, and he didn’t care if you could feel his cheeky grin about it or not.

The two of you arrived all too soon even though you took the long way, avoiding taking any floos. Sebastian was beyond disappointed the door didn’t show up, he was hoping this time would be different when you said it never showed up when someone else was with you. He may not have known exactly what the two of you would do in there, but you would be alone, with no chance of anyone else bothering you. A big part of it would have been validation he wasn’t just anyone you’d brought around. He wanted to be someone special, the only one the room felt worthy to let in with you. 

“I suppose this is where I leave you.” He began sheepishly, letting you down gently from his back. You looked delightedly at one another and he ran an anxious hand through his hair. “I had a really great time tonight.”

Your insides went into a tizzy. “Me too.” You beamed at him. You didn’t want to end this night or part ways with him. “So I uh - I know it’s late, are you sure you still want to help me tomorrow morning? I understand if you’d rather sleep in.” You didn’t doubt he would come with you the next day, you just wanted to hear him tell you he wouldn’t miss it.

“Of course I’m sure. I’ll be there.” He unknowingly took a step towards you, the two of you drifting closer without thinking.

You bit your lip to stop yourself from smiling like a dope. “Good. I’m glad to hear it.”

You two stood in coy silence for a moment, wanting the other to say something, anything to keep your night going a bit longer. “Well, I should get going so the room can appear for you, shouldn’t I?” He chuckled awkwardly, still not making any sort of move to take his leave.

“Ah, right.” You nodded your head, glancing briefly at the wall then looking back at him. You went in to hug him goodbye and he didn’t hesitate to hug you back. You held each other firmly in each other’s arms for a few seconds, then let go, smiles still painfully plastered on your faces. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” You told him.

“Bright and early.” He assured.

“Bright and early.” You repeated, no longer caring if you looked like a flushing mess. “Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight.” 

The two of you looked at each other for another moment, staying in place and becoming jumpy. You both went in for another hug, holding each other closer and longer this time, letting each other’s warmth envelope you. He took in your scent as you nuzzled your face against his neck.

“Goodnight.” He said again in a whisper.

You released each other, your faces temptingly close for a brief moment until you stepped back. He remained facing you as he started taking small, reluctant steps backwards to leave.

He watched as the smile faded from your face and you eyed him as if you were dispirited he was leaving. He stopped in his tracks, and a starved look took over your features. He was sure his face was doing the exact same thing.

You launched at one another, fusing your lips together. It was such a dizzying collision, the two of you weren’t really aware of where your hands were. The only thing that was clear was that they were on each other, holding the other close while roaming all over. Somehow, Sebastian had gotten you pressed up against the wall. He needed help keeping upright while his mouth moved in earnest, gasping and sighing along with yours. 

Sebastian Sallow’s weight against you was something you never knew you needed. You bit at his bottom lip and sucked, hoping that would keep him anchored to you. A deep, muffled “mmh” noise escaped him and it was the most intoxicating sound.

He pulled back slightly to look at you then, eyes going over your features as he caught his breath. He couldn’t help but drag his fingers lightly down your cheek as you looked back at him, just as breathless.

He returned his lips to yours, taking it sweet and slow then. This time, he didn’t want to be dizzy, he wanted to be sturdy and in his right mind tasting you. Your hands felt so soft as they cupped his neck. A tingling sensation went down his spine when they slowly slid up to the back of his head, fingers running through his hair.

You were so lost in one another, that if anyone were to walk by you’d have no idea, no sense to pull away anyway.

-

Sebastian walked down to the Slytherin common room in a whimsical haze, humming each one of the songs he danced with you to that night. His lips felt swollen from all your kisses, it was wonderful.

His dreamy state came to an abrupt end when he found Garreth pacing frantically in front of the Slytherin Common room. The red head looked up at his arrival and his eyes went wide.

“There you are!” Garreth strode up to him and Sebastian got in a readied stance with his feet. “Where were you?! I saw you two leave and the way you were looking at each other all night and - Oh please tell me you didn’t do anything.” 

Sebastian avoided his gaze. He didn’t feel for a second that Garreth should be with you instead, but damn him if he didn’t feel a little sorry for the poor fool.

“Sallow?” Garreth felt like he was going to be sick, but he held out the tiniest bit of hope. If Sebastian said nothing happened between you two, he’d run with it and never look back.

Man up and tell it to him straight. Sebastian took a deep breath and lifted his chin, physically and mentally preparing to get punched, he’d let Weasley have that much. “We kissed. We’re going to start seeing each other.”

Garreth’s eyes went wild, and he let out an incredulous guffaw. “Are you now? Well that’s just brilliant, isn’t it?!” It wasn’t really directed at him, Sebastian noticed. Garreth began pacing back and forth, looking as if he was going mad. “Why in Merlin’s name did I listen to that knobhead?! Hey Northcott, did you know spending time with someone and treating them right works? Who would have guessed?!” He looked back at Sebastian then, he clenched his hand into a fist like he was going to deck him. “I ought to bash your face in, Sallow. But right now, I’m more itching to have a word with Northcott. Best watch your back, I’m not done with you.”

Sebastian released the breath he was holding as Garreth stormed off. He could take him in a duel no problem, but he’d better keep a close eye on his food and drinks for a while.

[macdenlover]

My fucking god. There is so much to take apart.

This episode gave us a peak into Dennis’s mind and it’s the closest thing we’re gonna get to putting him under a microscope like a little bug and studying him in a lab. It isn’t what I expected from this episode but man oh man am i glad to have it. There’s a few things we need to establish first that’s gonna be the basis of my analysis. Dennis is angry, but he ultimately uses that anger to mask fear, pain, and every other emotion that he doesn’t allow himself to feel. Also, the entirety of the episode— every little detail was intentionally conjured by Dennis’s mind either consciously or subconsciously so none of it is off the table to dig into.

There’s two big things at play here— one, his desperate need for control; and two, his instinct to self sabotage. This episode did one hell of a job at showing how woven together the two are.

The essence of Dennis’s character is this impenetrable shell he’s built to protect the vulnerable part that sits at his core, and we finally got to see HOW he builds that shell piece by piece. This is the pressure-cooking of the diamond— if you apply enough pressure it’ll harden the shell.

Everything is thrown out of balance when Dennis learns about his high blood pressure, but what really bothers him about that is the inevitability of aging— something we’ve seen him be insecure about for many seasons. But what’s different about this episode is that while his usual fear of aging comes from vanity, this time it’s combined with Dennis being so afraid of the world around him changing and leaving him behind. This follows the thematic trajectory of this season— all the characters struggling to cope with inevitable change. 

A stress-free day at the beach is a pipe dream. Happiness is something so hopelessly distant from him that he builds a fantasy about chasing it while never getting there— sabotaging the plan because he either thinks it’s too impossible, something he doesn’t deserve, or both. This is not the first time we’ve seen this from him. In The Gang Saves The Day, the rest of the gang’s fantasies revolve around them finally getting their dream ending, while Dennis’s stuck out from the others as a barely comprehendible mess of his own misery. (I’m gonna rewatch this episode soon and give you a full breakdown of my thoughts). Dennis self sabotages in his own fantasies because he can’t imagine a reality where he is capable of getting what he wants. Dissatisfaction is something so permanent to him, and Dennis Takes a Mental health day is all about him trying to cling to things that are permanent to regain his sense of control. He is creating uncertainty in his own fantasy so that he can be certain about it. He is such a broken man and it is such a fucked up cycle— one thing continues feeding into the other. “The pin’s the key to the phone, the phone’s the key to the car.” 

The primary source of his frustration in this episode was the automated systems, which I think holds place to represent more than one thing. It’s a symbol of the changing world that he can’t control or escape from, but it also represents the parts of himself he’s fighting against. He forms systems in his life that are so methodical and complicated that it gets in the way of his ability to have real human connections. They went right on the nose with it in this ep by having him spelling out his own name as an acronym in a fit of rage. Subconscious Dennis’s d.e.n.n.i.s. system is fucking crazy. 

D- “Deliver me from this”

E - “Engage with human”

N - “Nightmare”

N - “NIGHTMARE”

I - “Is this real?”

S - “Somebody help me”

If you interpret this as his frustration with not only the state of the world but himself and his perpetual loneliness it gets incredibly heartbreaking. Guys I’m really tearing up here. 

His interactions with others in this episode also say so much about him and the inner conflicts he’s experiencing. He knows he establishes control by taking his frustration out on other people, but he simultaneously struggles with that making him a bad person. He yells at the customer service workers and then APOLOGIZES and reassures them that it’s not them who he’s really mad at. He doesn’t mean to take it out on them. (Potentially wild implications for Dennis woobifiers here.) He wants to take his frustration out on people who he believes deserve it, like the CEO. He gets to see himself as a hero in this story even if he’s miserable. If happiness is a pipe dream, he can settle for second best which is the rush he gets from taking his pain out on the guy who fucked him over. But he is simultaneously the person he spent his entire fantasy craving a real human connection with. He doesn’t know how to do that. It got weird and a little sexual (he definitely wanted to fuck that guy till the room stank). he is vindicated with violence at the end, which is ultimately what he will always resort to because it gives him the sense of power that desperately needs to make the frustration, vulnerability, and weakness go away (mentally AND physically). This is his cycle. 

I’m not sure Dennis could have an episode where he breaks down and cries and has a huge cathartic moment and then goes back to his regular self the next episode the way Mac and Charlie have. Dennis is a whole other can of worms. RCG are comfortable with exploring different sides to these characters as long as they are kept in a state of limbo for the length of the show, but letting Dennis openly express his feelings (even to himself) might make it impossible to come back from because this is literally the entire crux of his character. The last time he opened up emotionally he fled to another state only come back a year later more hostile and emotionally distant than ever. They had to put a hard reset on him after season 12 because they knew that version of him didn’t have longevity in the show. I WISH so fucking bad that they would explore the vulnerable parts of him more explicitly on the show but for now I will settle for being a little vulture and picking it out of the carcass of this season. 

[sophsun1]

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

5.10 The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

[warlenys]

dennis teaches mac and dee the d.e.n.n.i.s. system but they do such a shit job of executing it that in order to prove that it works on men dennis tries it on a man himself

[teagballs]

I just read your Dennis fic, and if you were going to write a part 2 would you be able to make it that Dennis doesn’t immediately tell reader he likes her? He just starts acting really weird when she’s around?

Like maybe, Dennis Charlie and Mac are insulting Dee and reader says something like “that it’s not nice” then Dennis goes, “yeah that’s seriously not nice guys.” And everyone’s just confused cause like he was saying mean stuff too.

If it’s to much trouble or if you don’t wanna write this please just ignore this 🧍🧍

"like no one else" | dennis reynolds x reader

read part one here

authors note: ur mind anon UR MIND BROOO. this prompt was amazing and i had to do it but also it took me a month cuz i was busy. OOPS. i hope i did it justice cuz i took it and ran LMAO

requests open as always!! looking to do some charlie kelly stuff, so if u have any ideas for him lmk!!

cw: fem reader, mentions of objectification of women and the D.E.N.N.I.S system ofc, lil smoochie smoo at the end but nothing nsfw, 1.4k words

Dennis stumbled out of the restaurant, abandoning his date and this old life of promiscuity behind, seemingly. He walked down the street, pulling out his phone. He entered your name into his contacts, ready to confess everything. Ready to tell you how much you mean to him. Ready to love you. But then he stopped. His finger hovered over the call button and he thought, "what am I doing?" It was the emotion of the situation that made him act with such heedlessness. He didn't even know if you felt that way about him, if you felt the same deep connection he did. For him, it was a feeling like no other. It felt like you got him in a way no one else did. With understanding and kindness too. But to you? Dennis could just be a good friend to you. And if that was the case, what was the point in risking it all? He took a deep breath, shoving his phone back in his pocket. No, he shouldn't act so incautiously.

In the following weeks, Dennis found himself falling deeper and deeper for you. Every action you took, every word you spoke. He found himself obsessing over it. He tried not to come off as creepy - although that was hard, this was Dennis. His still kept his distance as usual, but now with a growing infatuation. He believed he was portraying this neutrality to you well, but this facade was challenged today.

"Y'know what guys, I'm really excited for this date tonight," Dee began to explain as she sat at the bar with Dennis, Charlie, Mac, and you.

"Oh shut up, Dee, nobody cares about your stupid date," Mac barked. Degrading her as usual.

It was water off a duck's back for dee, "You're just jealous I have a date Mac." She rhymed off before taking another swig of her beer.

"How'd you get this one to go out with you, Dee?" Charlie began in defence of Mac, "What'd you do? Steal his dog?"

"What? God no, what the fuck are you talking about?" Dee said.

Dennis didn't involve himself in verbally bullying his sister as he usually would. Usually, he would come in with the worst, most grating jabs. Instead, he silently observed how you scrolled on your phone, occasionally taking a sip of your drink, noticing how your brows furrowed ever so slightly in frustration.

"Even if you do go on this date, Dee, the only way you'll get him to stay is if you steal his phone or something!" Mac snarled.

"Yeah, you stupid bird!" Charlie said, which resulted in loud laughter from the men.

"God, would you just leave her alone, you two? Do you have nothing better to do?" You snapped at them finally. Dennis noticed your frustration and wanting to support and comfort you, he responded;

"Yeah, guys, leave her alone. You're both so sad." Dennis said in his usual 'I'm not wrong about anything ever and you're stupid for being wrong' tone.

Silence. Everyone, including you, turns to face Dennis. Did he just defend Dee? The sister he swore he hated?

"Dennis, what did you just say?" Mac asked cautiously and filled with confusion.

"I said leave Dee alone."

Dennis didn't really care all that much about Dee. Really, all her cared about was proving to you he did. He wanted to be on your side, always. To have your approval.

"Thank you, Dennis," you agreed. Dennis's heart swelled. 'God, what's wrong with me?' he thought. He had never felt this many emotions ever. Never mind for one person.

"That was weird, right? Earlier? When Dennis, like, stood up for Dee?" Charlie asked Mac.

"Oh yeah! For sure! I have no clue why he did that. I mean, just yesterday me, you, Frank, and Dennis were ragging on her for being a failed actress." Mac replied, causing laughter between the pair at the thought of this previous discussion.

"So... what changed?" Charlie puzzled.

"Everyone was there, except.. except for her." Mac hypothesised that when you were there, Dennis avoided talking poorly of Dee.

"But why? What does she change?"

Mac shrugged, "Maybe he's trying to D.E.N.N.I.S her."

"Huh. Doesn't really seem like his usual type." Charlie said.

Dennis was definitely not trying to D.E.N.N.I.S you. He made that distinctly clear in his mind. He wasn't following the steps at all, going out of his way to avoid flirtation with you, actually, to avoid raising suspicions. And the final step, 'separate entirely,' was most certainly one he didn’t want to follow. He wanted to spend forever and ever with you. Why? He didn't understand it himself. He was Dennis Reynolds, the Golden God! How come he was acting so pathetic?

You were starting to notice his weird behaviour. You had known Dennis for years. He was never this.. clingy? Not that you minded, really. You had always thought he was attractive, sure - charismatic too - but his general objectification of woman and lack of interest in a stable and long-term relationship certainly deterred you. Still, though, you couldn't help but feel your heart shatter every time he would talk about the girl he was planning to go out with next. You had grown tougher over the years of knowing him, accepting that he would never change, and he would never see you like that. This new attention from his was definitely appreciated, but strange.

This all came to head a couple of weeks into this behaviour. You and Dennis sat in the bar together on a slow Tuesday. You had been testing him slightly. You were saying things to provoke him - small things. Things that would usually lead to a disagreement or argument or him going on a long Dennis rant. But he didn't budge. He didn’t roar obscenities or call you an idiot or react negatively at all. He would just nod and smile. And then he would agree. You couldn't take it. Was it some cruel joke? To get your hopes up or make you look stupid? You didn't get the punchline.

"Alright, Dennis, what's with you lately."

Dennis freezes. He feared you had picked up on his feelings towards you. He feared this would be the end of it all, and he had ruined it, and you would leave and he would never see you again.

"What do you mean?" Dennis replied. He was lucky he was such a good liar. He played coy well. But you didn't back down.

"You've been acting weird. You just agree with everything I say, and you're hanging around me a lot and like you keep not making fun of Dee when I'm here. You're always looking at me too. Is it some sort of joke I don't get? Are you making fun of me? That's mean."

Dennis felt emotions, oh god. He located that he felt regret and frustration and guilt and guilt and guilt. 'Mean'. He wasn't trying to be mean. She thought it was some sort of joke, but no. This was how he really felt. He really wanted to spend all his time admiring you, he wanted to agree with you on everything, that's all he could think about for the past month. And for once in his life, Dennis was at sea for words.

"I... I didn't..." Dennis attempted. But he couldn't convey his words in a safe manner. In a manner that meant if you didn't feel the same way it would be okay and you could keep being friends.

"I think I'm in love with you." Dennis sighed.

"It was after that date. With that chick. What was her name? Candy? Karen? Doesn't matter." Dennis rambled. "It was then when I realised I never want to be with anyone else, if not you. I don't think anyone had ever understood me the way you have. And I just spiralled after then? I haven't stopped thinking about you." That would be a creepy comment if it wasn't something you had always wanted to hear from him.

It was your turn to be speechless. Instead of saying anything your eyes scanned his face for any indication of falsehood. Nothing. You saw and expression on Dennis's face that you had never seen before. One that could be equated to not knowing the answer. Clueless. Maybe afraid? You open your mouth to speak again but Dennis cuts you off and speaks first. Like he's trying to drown out a negative response. Like covering your ears to block out the sound of a gunshot; the damage would still be done.

Dennis looked at you, waiting for the gunshot.

"Dennis.. I feel the same way. Of course I do, oh my God." You finally say. Your voice is small and hoarse, like you have never used it before. Quickly, before anyone can say anything else, Dennis envelops you in a kiss. A kiss that isn't filled with lust, something Dennis isn't used to. His lips lean into yours in a desperate attempt to convey his gratefulness and love and devotion to you. You grip at his sides. You understand.

[dennisboobs]

Ok, trailer breakdown, I'm going to try and piece things together.

Frank is doing some... chess tournament? That's being broadcast? Mrs. Mac and Kelly are watching it?

Dennis has some sort of modified D.E.N.N.I.S. system to try and help Mac and Dee with dating?? That's why Dee's trying to grab her date's dick under the table, and why Dennis is there observing… Who is Mac's date?

It's someone's birthday...?

[gaydennisreynolds]

terrifies me that the vast majority of the fan base of this show is like, normal? ha ha the implication, d.e.n.n.i.s system funny? meanwhile we're all [charliedaypepesilvia.jpg] connecting the dots about trauma and abuse and love and tragedy. like. what did they put in this show that either makes you take it at extreme face value or develop a brain eating amoeba about it

[charmac]

So we got Glenn believing Dennis has been running The S.I.N.N.E.D. System almost as long as the D.E.N.N.I.S. System and Glenn having a drag name ready for Dennis (don’t ask why), mentioning he has no issue dressing in drag, all in the span of an hour. Cool. cool cool. I am so normal about all this.