#Drive Living Dead

[yuzumusubi]

はじまりは、おわりのはじまり

大好きな映画のセリフ。

初めてこの言葉に出会ってから約2年が経とうとしている。

当時はなんとなくしか分からなかったけど、この2年間でそれを体感することが多くあった。

大好きなYouTuberだって、

k-popアイドルだって、

誰かに言って欲しかったを言葉をくれた

とあるタレントだって、

空に打ち上げられた花火のように

季節ごとに咲いては枯れていく植物たちのように、美しい瞬間を見せてはすぐに消えていってしまった。

でも、記憶は、存在していたことは消せないから。

“消えていってしまった人達”はまだ輝き続けていて。体温を感じられるほど、私の中でまだ生きている。

それはこれからも変わらないんだと思う。

小さい頃『今』がずっと続くって思っていた。

大人になんてなれやしないし、ずっと子供のままに違いない。

大人は自分とはまた違った人種なんだ。

自分のそばにいる人達、見ている景色、季節の匂い、楽しい時間。

ずっと続くもの。飽きるくらいに。なんならもう飽きている。

ああ早く大人になりたい。

そう考えてた15年前。

この15年間で何を得て、失ったのだろう。

誰と出会って、別れて、好きな場所を見つけて、大好きな人達と離れて、何度、もう2度と戻れない過去に戻りたいと願ったのだろうか。

私は21になったよ。

21になってしまったよ。

一応大人になってしまったよ。

まだ自覚はないけれど。

心はまだ2019年に置いてきている。

17歳の時に出会った人達、生き物達、出会った場所があまりにも素敵すぎて忘れられずに今まで過ごしてきた。

18歳も19も20も離れられずにいた。

21歳。

大切な場所からずっとずっと遠いところで生きている。

とある曲の歌詞が今の心とリンクする。

もういい加減、さようならを言わなければいけないのかな。できることなら言いたくはないけれど。

最後にもう一回会いに行こうか。

私はまだ大人になんてなりたくないな。

あの場所から卒業したくないな。

離れたくはないよ。

17の私のままでいたいと願うのは、贅沢すぎる願いなのだろうか。

大人にはなれるのに、子供には戻れないなんて

この世界は意地悪だね。

失わないと気づけない。

不器用な生き方しかできない21歳の自分の感情の記録。

───────────

『君を愛する僕はもうここにいない

転がる車輪と呆気なくすぎた日常

風に靡く手からひらひらと記憶が溢れる

遠去かる景色があまりに綺麗に見えた

僕がいた景色だ』

『さようならを言わなくっちゃ

ここから離れよう

愛してた事も全部塗り潰す前に』

『あの話の続きでしか叶わない夢があった

まだ何度も振り返るほど愛しい場所があった

それでも今を選んできたんだ

ああ もう戻れやしないぜ

なんてね 今も僕は歌っている

まだ僕歌っている』

Enfants

1st e.p.『Q』収録曲

M3 「Drive Living Dead」より引用

[shaylogic]

kiss_eyes1.jpg kiss_eyes2.jpg

[greengirllover]

live footage of me

[multifandom-nerds-blog]

I'm rewatching Trollhunters in the background right now, and the disfunctional mother son relationship between Jim and his mom is making me crazy.

Like, he's taking care of the household and his mother for years as a teenager and before probably. She is sometimes giving half hearted comments about him not having to do so much, but very obviously she's not gonna make him stop do all the cooking and cleaning. Y'know. Both because they've been living like this for years, and because it's obviously also very comfortable to have someone do all the house work.

Then Strickler comes into the picture, and if we ignore the whole Troll and changeling side of the story, Barabara gets very offended cause Jim doesn't want her to meet him privately. Again, ignoring the whole magic and trolls stuff, STRICKLER IS JIMS TEACHER. If Jim hadn't figured out that Strickler was a changeling he probably wouldn't have a problem with it, but the fact that he does, no matter the reason, should be enough for Barbara to put a stop to the relationship. Her child is clearly uncomfortable with her seeing/dating that guy, for whatever reason, and even clearly vocalized it. But she doesn't care about, or rather, she tells Jim that she "wouldn't expect something like that" from him. Obviously not, cause she may see him like her child/teenager he is, BUT DOESN'T TREAT HIM LIKE ONE.

And then Jim, unknowingly to Barbara, becomes the Trollhunter, and his behavior changes. He's suddenly doing reckless stuff, sneaking out, getting bruises, landing in detention and even at the police station, barely avoiding a police report. What does she do? Asking him what's going on? If everything's alright at school? If he has any other problems? Maybe trying to lower his workload around the house, which again, he's doing most of that as a teenager and longer probably.

Nah. She doesn't do anything until he lands in the hospital. Except for again, dismissing him rather negatively at the one topic he's openly expressing any negative opinions about (Strickler). And after he lands in the hospital she now starts not asking questions, but demanding answers. Demanding answers from a teenager in a difficult situation who is also now acting much more like a teenager than he ever did before, from her point of view at least. Except she obviously doesn't know how to deal with a teenager, cause she has never had to raise or live with a teenager. She instead lived with a child pretending to be an adult for years, that was partly much more of an adult than she was, who did way to much work even before Jim became the Trollhunter. So she throws punishments at him and grounds him, but does he listen?

No. Cause why should he? Not only is he dealing with things much more important than being grounded, yknow, saving the world, he's trying to protect her from the sheer knowledge of the supernatural and physically protecting her from getting harmed. And again, for the majority of the time since his dad left he pretended to be an adult. He was and is the main adult in the household, dealing with important things she doesn't even know about.

The only one's treating Jim like a teenager are teachers, other children and Blinky and Aaargh sort of when they're not in the middle of Troll business. Strickler, in the first episodes where Jim doesn't know about his true identity, is much more of a parental figure to Jim (also after his redemption later on tbh) than his mother.

In summary: Barbara is treating her son like an adult, almost like a partner, instead of a child/teenager. And when that isn't possible anymore she doesn't know how to properly treat him. She also doesn't really care that her son is uncomfortable with her being around Strickler, or Strickler in general. And it takes Blinky telling her (when Jim is 16) that Jim might be affected by his father leaving when he was five years old.

Jim meanwhile is treating his mother more like a child/teenager instead of the adult and MOTHER that she is. Seeing her as his responsibility. Cooking for her. Cleaning for her. Telling her to rest and take breaks.

They obviously love each other other. And their relationship might not be toxic, but it's very much disfunctional. In a way that is mostly negative for Jim.

[earlycuntsets]

attack of the venganza vest

official mcr ad 2009

"Watch a showdown between an unlucky guy and an MCR "Venganza!" vest!"

06/25/2009 mcr's youtube

on mcrs website

[jewishcissiekj]

SabéDormé are driving me insane WHY ARE THEY LIKE THAT

[crystallinemoonlight]

still not over the fact korn murdered porsche and chay's family and then planted some lousy gambler as their guardian who ruined their lives and put them into constant debt that drove porsche to risk his health and life street fighting. it's insane. especially bc in the later episodes arthee showed a scary lack of care towards porsche, calling him naive and stupid, trying to extort him using his dead family, he did not give a shit. people don't just change like that overnight, he didn't just get evil and uncaring, that stuff was already there. and he was picked to look after two traumatized children??

korn must have done that on purpose, either to put porsche in a constantly vulnerable state he could later exploit, or to keep him busy so he'd never have the time or capacity to think too much about his family's past. there's no way he didn't know.

[jayktoralldaylong]

Imagine being the most powerful person in the world, but every time you draw your weapon and use it to fight, your life force diminishes.

That's why Chinese torture remains unmatched, their imagination is out of this world. Ain't no one does suffering like them. I do be gagged when I read their novels.

And yes I'm thinking of Yue Qingyuan! And how he became a pacifist and always fought for diplomatic solutions. Then threw it all away when Luo Bingge basically announced he was going to execute Shen Jiu. How he literally gave up his entire life. 😭😭 All his achievements, his title, his wealth, his power.

And how Shen Jiu only realised this....when Bingge scattered before him the broken shards of Yue Qingyuan's sword. And Shen Jiu realised he'd lost the one person that he sacrificed all his happiness for.

All that time wasted because these mfkers couldn't bring themselves to fking TALK!!!

[crimeronan]

hey i follow you and i keep seeing posts about gansey and idk who he is but. every sentence i hear about him is fucking bonkers i refuse to believe hes real. what do you mean "reenacting his death" or "all his friends are trees or tree adjacent"?????????? this can not be a guy anyone has even conceptualized.

these two things only barely scratch the surface of gansey, the light of my life. he's a sad deeply polyamorous boy with turbo autism who's built from the corpse of a terrifying eldritch entity-turned-forest & his mother is a billionaire republican politician. i'm too high to do a deep dive into gansey help he's just. everything. he is everything. Everything To Me

GANSEY LOVERS ASSEMBLE TELL ANON MORE INSANE THINGS ABOUT THE BOY.

[brionysea]

allison and five are actually fascinating to write together. allison is the sibling for checking on people and asking in plain english if they're okay but five would literally rather bleed out than show a shred of vulnerability

[boygirlctommy]

3 YEARS SINCE CTOMMY DIED... GOOD LORD

[greensaplinggrace]

what’s it like to be dutch and to know that hosea would never forgive him for the things he did to their sons?

[greengirllover]

[ryanwinsatlife]

i miss my dog.

[automatonknight]

id: a digital painting of wx-78 from don’t starve. they are pictured in their unfinished skin, sitting up with on of their hands reaching forward and up. they are illuminated by a bright green light from behind, there are also green streaks of elctricity all around them, but otherwise the background is dark green and black.end id

[p4nicaker]

pls tell me i'm not going insane and it's just some weird accent(?) thing bc can you also hear opla mihawk (the bitch™) in dbd edwin??