#Even IF I had an outstanding idea which I don't particularly - I just don't think I'd be able to do the work

[humanmorph]

I've always thought about how cool it'd be to be part of a zine so it's kind of teethgrinding that this fun hieron zine comes at. this current time

[haleigh-sloth]

If Izuku is gonna see some of Tenko's memories... wouldn't the vestiges also see them by proxy? Because if both of those things are true then damn, Nana would watch her son smack the shit out of her grandson because she abandoned him and THEN watch him and the rest of his family killed brutally AND THEN watch her last surviving family member get kidnapped and groomed by the nemesis she died fighting against. Would not wish that on my worst enemy tbh.

Well, I'm not here to say that the world building within the manga or all the OFA/AFO quirk lore is perfect by any means, because lordy it is not, but by that logic:

Why didn't they see the vision Izuku saw by proxy? Because as far as we know, they didn't. He also said he could feel that pain underneath the anger, whereas the rest of the vestiges (save for Yoichi) went on about how they didn't see it the same way and just saw someone who was angry and full of contempt. Which means they didn't feel what Izuku felt in that moment.

But if you really need a reason--the reason could be as simple as Izuku actually has the quirk, and they don't. They are quite literally--according to the OFA/AFO lore that we have--just quirks. As evidenced by the quirks we saw within AFO himself during the Endeavor/AFO fight, and the rest of the users only becoming more visible the closer he got to the singularity point, or whatever.

On the other hand, they're able to know what's going on in the outside world with Izuku, so yeah I mean you'd think they'd be able to see it by proxy!

But alas, they didn't see the vision. He had to tell them about it himself, after Nana pressed him about the possibility of Shigaraki being beyond help. All they said was that they felt he wanted to save Shigaraki in that moment, and they protested. Then he disclosed what he actually saw.

There are also unanswered questions and stuff. Like why were AFO and Shigaraki even in OFA to begin with? (I swear I thought they mentioned it in the manga but I could not for the life of me find where it was, I guess I dreamt it). But the fact that that was the only time we saw Shigaraki and AFO within the OFA realm could have something to do with it. And by that I mean, a theory or an idea I guess--Shigaraki looked to Izuku specifically for help so maybe that is exactly why Izuku was the only one able to see inside of him, and feel the pain underneath the anger. While the rest of the vestiges didn't see or feel anything.

Am I defending the world building within the OFA/AFO plot line? Not really. It's got some stuff that doesn't entirely make a lot of sense in comparison to the rest of the manga. And like, if Horikoshi had not introduced the ghosts and OFA realm as early as he did, then this would be entirely and completely detached from BNHA reality more than it already is lol. Thankfully he clearly had the idea early on, Sports Festival arc early. So there was build up to it. But when you really look at it compared to literally every other character's arc and everything else....it's quite outstanding in terms of their world building lolol.

On the other hand, maybe they will see the memories. But in the end, is it really gonna matter? Nana is dead. She made her choice and the result has already happened unto the people she left behind. So I mean, I don't particularly care if they see. I do think Shigaraki and Nana will talk again to patch things up in a way, but beyond that the vestiges as characters aren't really all that important when it comes to saving Shigaraki by targeting those emotional obstacles.

This isn't really something I'm all that worried about tbh.

Also, him seeing the memories is just a prediction at this point in time. It hasn't actually happened. I want it to happen, badly. But I mean, it hasn't happened so really, does it matter lol

[light-lanterne]

4, 19, 29 ? for the ask game! also i hope you feel better soon ♡♡

hello! i first want to apologise for taking so long to reply x.x got busy with other stuff and forgot :S

- - - - - - - - - - - ♡ - - - - - - - - - - - ....................ask game - - - - - - - - - - - ♡ - - - - - - - - - - -

4. what is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

i actually do know why i haven't written it. when i was in another fandom i did a lot of worldbuilding for a vampire au. i wrote maybe 200k worth of lore. when it came to writing the story, however, i faltered and hesitated for months and then i left the fandom so i never got the chance to write that story. so now i carry that idea with me and i really want to write it (for whatever fandom, doesn't matter which), but i'm not sure i'll get to write it because i don't know if i'm able to match the serious tone of the universe i made up x.x (tl;dr, it's about character a being turned into a "faulty vampire" and having one lunar year to live, and character b, a normal vampire, trying to find ways to make their lives better and maybe, hopefully, finding a way to defy fate. it's full of (twisted for my own means) biblical concepts and nonsense and it was going to be very angsty and serious)

19. what are some books or authors that influenced your style the most?

i honestly have no idea. i grew up with fantasy books but i never really paid much attention to the author's styles. if i had to push myself, i'd say the following book series have inspired me the most: ★ "the hobbit" / "the lord of the rings" by j. r. r. tolkien these taught me to talk about tenderness, emotions and human connection even in (particularly in) the darkest of times ☆ "the kingkiller chronicle" by patrick rothfuss these ones are stellar at showcasing the effects of trauma in characters and groups of people (which i guess is the focus of many of my stories) ★ "a game of thrones" by george r. r. martin this was the first time i properly paid attention to worldbuilding so now i try to consider a lot of the aspects this man seamlessly weaved into the story ☆ "the idhun chronicles" by laura gallego garcía these are very good at worldbuilding too. more than anything, one of the three main characters is the bad guy for most of the story and his redemption arc is as complex as zuko's in atla (which i watched like ten years later x.x) so yeah, it taught me about complex characters (i also read a lot of gothic and classical literature but we'll be here all day if i start talking about that + those came later in my life) all this said, i think my main inspirations have always been videogames (way too many to even mention, but i shall give special mention to the "to the moon" series; i like the non-linear way you learn the story), as well as movies ("the crow" from 1994 is my favourite film ever) and tv shows (i lean towards self-contained stories, so i prefer shows like "hannibal" and "zankyou no terror" / "death parade" over series that go on for so long they become bad x.x). i guess i like the visual aspect of them. last, my actual one defined inspiration: dani filth, singer and songwriter of the band cradle of filth. the man's usage of language and his storytelling have always had a huge impact in the stories i like to tell, and his combination of fantasy, gothic elements, roman satire and shakespearean flare is just outstanding. cradle of filth is an extreme metal band, so probably not everyone's taste; that said, they are a good introduction to that type of music so give them a shot if you want. be careful though; as the name suggest, they usually talk about the darkness of humanity and they are not shy to mention the most harrowing and disturbing topics, so massive trigger warning for just about any icky topic you can think of.

29. give us a spoiler for one of your stories

right, i'm going to give one for each of my main wip's... i guess it's only fair that i start with the darkest eyes, seeing as i haven't updated in a while. so, mike's substance use will continue to get worse and during chapter 11, we will see him at his worst. this triggers some memories, so this chapter is hopper's recollection of the events that transpired two years earlier: their arduous fight against vecna, the state of the party back then and, more importantly, the various incidents that involved mike, from the demogorgon attack, to his time at the hospital (including an incident that's been hinted at, but only max knows about), to his state after the final battle. also, the harold storyline comes back around that time because that asshole killed more than one kid (<- - - - there, an actual spoiler lol) now, about the trees are growing restless,,, mike's not the only one who's stuck in the loop. there's someone else, someone i've already mentioned so you can probably figure out who it is quite easily. anyway, this person at one point suggest that maybe they can get help from owens and his friends, a suggestion that carries many issues because they don't really have a way to contact him. they eventually manage, but for four days mike goes through literal hell and this one is not bad because of the mind flayer or vecna, but because of the various human enemies we've met. also, mike's not in a vecna trance (or is he?). the time loop is decently real and the root is a little someone you know quite well. last, about sin deep, my darling angel (just because i love this story and might start it soon): mike's a demon. it's going to be a tag so that won't be much of a spoiler but i left it ambiguous in the summary i posted

thanks for the good wishes~ hope this answered the questions adequately :]

[yulirene]

I'm not particularly fond of posting or sharing my problems since I almost end up oversharing, and I'd find myself feeling both humiliated and embarrassed. I get emotional, something that I honestly hate to acknowledge.

I'm 18, graduating senior high in about 3 1/2 months. I came from a great school, to which people usually say. I, also, regard it as such; quality education, a somehow good environment, and being surrounded by great students and amazing teachers. Perhaps an environment that smart people, or rather, the above average people would love. It's not something to hate.

Although, I will have to admit that I indeed hated the idea of being there, but perhaps meeting my friends lessened that hatred. My main reason for hating is because I got in against my own will despite passing the exam in a fair square manner. Anyways, the teachers also somehow made my days worthwhile despite the constant failures I face there. Struggles, challenges, exhaustion, stress, low scores; Sometimes, I even feel like I'm just average, and perhaps that I'm the least smartest, so I lowered my expectations by a lot. To say that I started to lose my confidence and began de-appreciating myself, I came to a point where I would much rather just survive and not get kicked out of the school. Just make sure not to fail. Submit your requirements. And live. A constant cycle. But I had my friends. And I have a dream. Although I don't have a school in mind, I do have a plan on what I want to do.

I want to study chemistry, then study forensics and become a scientist who could assist in investigations. Childish? Yes, it seems like it. After all, as a child, I loved reading detective books, Sherlock Homes, Agatha Christie, and Hardy Boys, name a few more local books. I loved investigation despite how it may seem horrifying it is in real life. I may hate horror movies, but my heart always ached for finding out the truth in things. Perhaps, if somebody died right now, I would wonder "why?", "how?", and "what happened?" Connecting the threads of it seemed to be something that always caught my attention.

Unfortunately, that dream can't be achieved. Being a forensic scientist is almost unachievable. Perhaps I'm not the best in studying, I procrastinate a lot, but when it comes to my interest in forensics and crimes, I always make sure to put my whole attention to every detail. Much more attention than the one I give in studying.

My parents always remind me to maintain my grades, and of course, I always do my best to do so. Because I have dreams I want to achieve. But, whenever discussions about colleges or universities pop up, I would much rather not attend such a topic. I hate how my mom would always mention the costs it would take to put in the school that I'm aiming for. I'm grateful that she wants to support me, but sometimes, I get the impression that she thinks I want her to support me, as in the type where I wouldn't help her. As if she was expecting that she pays for everything. "I can always get a part-time job." I wanted to say that, but I know she wouldn't want that. Perhaps it was because of pride that she could try to support me financially or that she just wants me to focus solely on my studies. I love her. I love her, really, but I hate how she always talks about financial things regarding college. She ones told me to just study nearby. The farthest I could possibly go is in Cebu so that it'd be cheaper. I get it, but what is the point of putting in such an outstanding school, with scholarship, and just put me in some state college?? The closer I am to home, the better. I understand that, and truly, I would love the idea. But I hate it. I hate it. There's not many opportunities here. One line I will always say to end these college or university topics is that,

"You put me in a prestigious high school, one that I didn't even want to go to. And now that I actually ended up liking it and want to plan my life out, you'd put me in a state college? Here? Just nearby? Where there's less to little to no opportunities?" And that would somehow end it.

I want to get a part-time job as early as now. But living in the Philippines isn't making it easy when there's limited job offers or side hustles available for people around 16 or 17. I'm 18, but it's still a challenge to find a job where you'd earn a lot.

I want to choose my own college and enjoy my life the way I'd want it. Being in this high school, where I am now, gave me the idea that I should always search for bigger opportunities and not be limited to what is only around you. And I will do that.

[colourful-void]

Supporting Satoshi - an examination and comparison of JN36 and XY121

Part One: Snowballs do not cure depression but it was worth a shot

You know that episode of Pokemon where a gym leader beats Satoshi in a battle so hard that one of his pokemon gets mildly hurt (though there's no long term effects) and because of it he becomes depressed, closing himself off from his friends before someone comes along to pull him out of that mental state, and also severe weather phenomena is involved and a reflection of a persons mental state? Or rather, the two episodes?

So when I was watching Journeys, I noticed an episode that had a similar-- but distinctly different-- plot to an xy episode I had seen before. And what was particularly interesting was that while I couldn't stand the xy episode, the journeys episode was one of my favourites. I won't drag this out for you guys, I love the journeys episode and re watch it a LOT and the xy episode sort of just leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. and don't go claiming its solely ship bias, because i saw the xy episode first and disliked it then.

This will analyze both of these episodes, comparing them against each other. Specifically within the context of how Goh and Serena both help Satoshi through a similar situation There will be some discussion of AmourShipping and Satogou in this analysis. I'm going to be a bit negative regarding Serena's actions and the potential "romantic" weight of them here, but I want to be clear that I Do Not dislike Serena as a character. Personally, I wish the writers had given her more room to grow outside of her romantic interests, but I do not hate Serena as a character. I do, however, disagree with her actions in this episode. Please don't take this out of context and dont be ship fighting in the comments, it's boring. This is a comparison of These Two Episodes, not of Goh and Serena and their respective ships as a whole.

This part mainly focuses on the xy episode and the second will focus mainly on the journeys. It's only divided into parts because of the tumblr post limit.

(If you like the xy episode or hate the journeys episode, awesome! having your own opinions is great. these are mine though, so i hope you'll listen to them)

With that out of the way, let's start. And I'm going to use mostly japanese names here because I'm taking screencaps from the subbed japanese copies.

The set up for each of these episodes is eerily similar as pointed out in the gag at the start.

Xy has a bit more set up before the episode in question though, with the initial loss and retreat into the forest by Satoshi taking place the episode before. The episode opens up proper with Satoshi taking time to breathe to himself, alone in the forest.

Emphasis is placed on him taking a deep breath, aided by the visuals showing them (thanks cold air) and the silence of the rest of the soundscape, with the only other sounds being the wind and some bird pokemon, plus some falling snow.

Journeys Satoshi starts off in a better mental state than Xy, with the episode starting off with him jogging along with his pokemon.

However, we can still see that he's been affected by the last battle he lost, against Saitou, as he's putting a lot of effort into training and doing better.

Which, doesn't go well for him, as he loses his next two battles as well, and drops in the World Championship ranking as a result

And he's pretty upset about it too. Same thing as over in xy. In both cases, a respective friend/love interest notes that Satoshi is upset and expresses concern.

He's got support from his friends in both situations! But that support comes across in very different ways.

But, to understand how that support manages to affect Satoshi, we need to understand the problem at play.

Now, I wanna make something clear here. Satoshi's problem is not that he is a sore loser. I'm not arguing that's not a contributing factor, or that he's not upset about the loss (particularly in the world championships), He's still bitter about the lost part, but the root of the problem is not losing, he's been shown to be fine with losing (if not a bit more motivated to win now) in prior episodes.

Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are getting hurt. Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are getting hurt, because they're losing battles. Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are losing battles because he's not training them well enough. And to clarify, that's not my viewpoint, it's his. Satoshi's problem is that he's not good enough for himself, and he feels that that's something he has to fix on his own.

So how do we help him?

Our weather event in question is introduced in separate points in the episodes, but I'll cover them both now.

In xy, it's this snowstorm, which conveniently becomes a problem directly after Serena returns to the Pokemon Centre.

In journeys, it's a sandstorm! That's in near direct contrast to a snowstorm! Incredible.

Heading back to xy Satoshi, things aren't going great in the forest. Luckily, Serena's run off to find him.

I think it's of note here that Serena runs off with the best intentions, she wants to help Satoshi, plain and simple. It just sort of goes wrong along the way.

It's worth noting that Xy Satoshi tries to bring himself out of being sad by the tried and true method of "stop being sad"

Despite telling himself this, he doesn't get anywhere. Which makes sense, because it's not getting the the root of the problem. It's not even addressing it at all. He's just trying to 'be better', which isn't even a battle strategy. However, it is something I can see him saying, so this isn't a critique of Satoshi's thought process, but me pointing out that this isn't really effective. Which is supported by the narrative, because again, he doesn't get anywhere, he doesn't even move.

I can't show it in screencaps but the lights in Satoshi's eyes are shaking here, something that they consistently do throughout the series when he's feeling a particularly strong emotion. Keep that in mind. It couples well with another trait of his, and that's his hat!

And by that I mean how he hides his eyes with the brim of it when upset, something he does exactly as Serena shows up and calls out to him. Now, he's not upset that Serena is here. He's upset about the pokemon stuff still. He's trying to hide the fact that he's upset from Serena.

Serena starts off with her speech well, trying to appeal to Satoshi to let her in and talk things out. And maybe it's because he wasn't ready for it yet, or because of the way she phrases it (a lot of 'i' and 'me' language which can be helpful but can also come across as though she's making it about her. not her intent i don't think, but a possible interpretation.), it's not her fault for how Satoshi reacts regardless.

But how Satoshi reacts is not good.

Now it's really interesting to note that before this, Serena was standing while Satoshi was sitting, putting her above him in terms of active power, when it comes to how the shot is presented, but when Satoshi stands up, the camera tilts with the movement so that they're on equal level. Neat!

And Serena yells in return, scolding Satoshi for not talking about it. Not the best move, since pushing someone to talk about something that's upsetting them isn't really productive, but she's trying here and she's frustrated.

Satoshi continues to withdraw and self isolate, claiming it is his problem and that he wants to be left be. Now, this is the mindset of a clearly upset person and isolation may not be the best option, but he did make the explicit request to be left alone here.

He's clearly upset as he turns away from Serena's eye and slumps over a little.

And then Serena throws a snowball at him.

Angry as he is, you can see Satoshi's expression change when he sees Serena's reaction.

Serena tells Satoshi that she's not like the Satoshi she knows, who is always full of energy and positive and a leader, and a bunch of other positive traits. The problem here, is that Serena's looking at an idealized version of Satoshi. And while the intent here was probably meant to be something more like "you have so many wonderful traits about you I know you can do this", coupled with the snowballs and the phrasing, it seems as though Serena is scolding Satoshi for being sad.

Or rather, being angry with him for not living up to her idealized version of him, and not wanting him to express any negitave emotions.

Which is sort of a really bad mindset.

The snowballs continue, never once does Satoshi fight back. In fact, he stops arguing entirely after the first one. Serena knocks him off his feet and tells him he's not being himself, before running off. (In the english dub, Serena claims that Satoshi isn't being "the real satoshi" and then demands that the real Satoshi be "given back", so it could be worse)

Satoshi decides to literally run his problems away, because it will help him reach some kind of conclusion, and immediately trips and falls down a large hill. No, I'm not making that up. Something like this just isn't like him. He's just gotta stop being sad!

Now personally, I really disagree with the idea that "being upset" isn't "like a person". That's because based off of my own experiences, I know it can be really damaging to hold the mindset that any negative emotions you feel aren't a part of you and that you shouldn't be upset because you're usually a positive and happy person. Not the case with every person, but I personally really have a problem with shows telling children that they just shouldn't be upset instead of processing their emotions in a meaningful way. (The journeys episode doesn't do an outstanding job of it either, but this is a bit of a tangent anyway. A show that does do this right is "OK KO! Let's be Heroes" which actually deals with this problem in greater depth and does a fantastic job of it.)

But the snowball scene ends here. Now I'll get back to Journeys in a moment, but since Serena has finished her part of the comparison for the most part, I'm going to summarize a bit more of the xy episode.

Satoshi decides to literally run his problems away, because it will help him reach some kind of conclusion, and immediately trips and falls down a large hill. No, I'm not making that up.

The snowstorm kicks in, Serena get back annoyed, then similarly groans and yells, and the whole xy gang + pokemon go running off in search of Satoshi. Pikachu appears the most concerned.

Now Serena tells the others she lost her cool and said something horrible to Satoshi, but explains its because Satoshi is someone she admires. Cool motive, I get it, still kinda bad.

and in the end, it's not Serena's words that get he message across to Satoshi. The solution to this problem was Satoshi finding a way to reaffirm his abilities and instinct.

In the xy episode, he helps some pokemon out of the tree, and when his very cool frog friend shows up, they're able to work together with their bond to save this one from falling off a cliff.

Here's the point. Satoshi learns by doing, by actions. He needs to see first hand that there are ways of getting past his problems, and that it's worth having the courage to keep going. The lesson is about valuing pokemon as equals and partners, and specifically that trying to be better as the trainer alone isn't going to help.

This is essentially where this plot line ends, team rocket is there for a bit as well but as much as i love them they're not relevant here, and some fun stuff with the league, love it not important right now its like 3am and I'm not sleeping until this is finished so we gotta keep things moving.

This was no doubt Serena's intent to get a similar point, but she goes about it the wrong way. She tries to convey this with words, as conversation and motivational words have helped her in the past (Elle's words of praise stick with her, Satoshi's words from when they were kids, etc). It's a good idea, but their different ways of learning and growing from a similar situation are incompatible, and that's why things don't work out in Serena's favour. There's also still the problem of "pulling yourself together" not being helpful in this case.

There's also a very similar line in this scene to the one at the end of the journeys episode, as Satoshi says to his frog that they should start over from scratch. It's essentially the same phrase with different wording. It's great. The Storm ends as he realizes this as well! Wonderful in terms of pathetic fallacy.

The gang all reunites, its nice. Satoshi thanks Serena for what she said after apologizing to everyone, which contradicts what he said earlier but I've already established that I dislike this message here so I won't go over it too much. I guess he's right in a literal sense in that in response to her words he went and ran until he tripped off a cliff but the emotional growth here was because of his own actions (and the frogs), not Serena's. Sorry Serena, you'll get em next time.

This is essentially where this plot line ends, team rocket is there for a bit as well but as much as i love them they're not relevant here, and some fun stuff with the league, love it not important right now its like 3am as I write this so we gotta keep things moving.

So. What about Goh?

Well...

(Part Two here on account of image limit!!)

[tracybirds]

18 + 22 of writing asks

Thanks Gavii <3 I had to do much thinking for these it was fun!

18. how do what you look for in your own writing vs someone else’s coincide? how does your writing influence your reading?

I find it really hard to read stuff when I'm actively writing. On the flip side, when I'm struggling with writing, I love to read other people's works because they're a good way to just enjoy the characters and the world :) I think that's the main place my writing and what i like to read coincides - at the core of it all, I just want to have fun. I'm not particularly interested in canon or reality beyond using it to suit my own ends, and I love when I read a story where the writer has taken a risk beyond canon. Like don't get me wrong, I enjoy canon-compliant stories and a good character study is outstanding stuff (honestly, blows me away what people put out there!!) but it's also super fun to go "hey you know this widely accepted (canon or fanon) concept of this character? let's throw that away for a second and see what happens!"

It's something I wish I wrote more of and I love love love when it gets pulled off! And it's also why I have little to no interest in consistent characterisation across stories (within? yes! between? eh...)

I think that answers both parts, albeit back to front a bit ahaha :D

22. how much of your own self/experiences do you believe pours into your projects? if this differs per project, which projects have the most and least of you?

really hitting me with those introspection questions xD I think it's difficult to say. There are stories that seem to be wholly and completely me at the time of writing them, and even when time and distance have weathered them down, they still reflect who I am/was at a very specific moment in time. To be honest, although those stories are cathartic, they're not my favourite to write or to reread. I grew up loving stories because I could inhabit new worlds, new ideas, new people and that's what I like best. Of course it's nearly impossible to not have my own unique experiences influencing the stories - many are inspired by daily life and daydreams and only I (with my own experiences) get to decide which projects are worthy of development and that's wholly influenced by who I am and my history. And growing up with three siblings of my own, plus a verified village of extended family and friends to add to the chaos 24/7, I relish drawing on those experiences to write for a family that's close in size to mine. But even so, slipping into someone else's world is what makes writing fun for me, so I tend to pause when writing something that aligns too closely to my own self. I know I COULD self promo here but I will not because pointing out the me bits is too much like loaning my diary out from the library like no thanks :P

[jiangwanyin]

ooh hi hello - !! 2, 3, 5, 12 & 17? :)💗💕

aw hii there vicky thank youu for asking <33

2. did you reread anything? what?

oh god yeah tons. obviously lotr and the silmarillion, northern lights, i reread the whole chronicles of ancient darkness series just for the nostalgia, the martian, tsoa even though i hate it, thrawn and thrawn: alliances, and i read norwegian wood and tgcf twice this year (which were both new reads i just felt a need to repeat almost immediately whoops)

3. what were your to five books of the year?

wahh only five this is hard um okay;

1. tgcf by mxtx

2. norwegian wood by murakami

3. the picture of dorian gray by oscar wilde

4. h is for hawk by helen macdonald

5. the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy by douglas adams

5. what genre did you read the most of?

fantasy i believe? but i don't even know what genre half the books i read this year would actually belong in help so i have no idea tbh—

12. any books that disappointed you?

hmm i wouldn't go as far as to say they actually disappointed me, maybe just didn't quite live up to my expectations? but yeah the ones that come to mind are never let me go by kazuo ishiguro, howl's moving castle (i think i'll stick to the movie my beloved), the left hand of darkness by ursula le guin which i have mixed feelings about tbh, i enjoyed the general idea of it and the wordbuilding etc thoroughly but as much as i do love some of her books, her writing style was a bit dry and it didn't really move me which i feel sort of guilty about, i hoped it'd have a bigger impact on me if that makes sense? i really want to reread it next year and see if i feel the same or if i just wasn't in the right headspace for it when i read it oH and stephen fry's troy was mildly disappointing too i had high hopes for it and was really excited about reading it and hoped his retelling would be slightly more original and have a certain depth to it instead of literally just recounting the events of the trojan war with a pinch of humour and some fun facts on the side, alas (it was still good btw just nothing particularly groundbreaking or revolutionary)

17. did any books surprise you with how good they were?

ohh that's actually hard, i tend to go into new books with relatively realistic expectations i think and apart from aforementioned cases i tend to be right about which books i'll enjoy buut the ones that sort of fit are mostly books i didn't know much about before reading meaning i didn't really know what to expect? those in this case being: loveless by alice oseman (which i actually read because of you btw thanks again hmwjfd) which i thought i'd be neutral about since i'm not really into YA and i stand by that but it did end up hitting surprisingly close to home, the humans by matt haig which i had no clue about i just read it because i got it in an uquiz result helpp and it looked interesting, the last days of judas iscariot by stephen adly guirgis which was very different from the usual things i read but oh holy shit hh it's been living in my head rent free ever since aand finally another one i judged maybe a little too harshly based on what i assumed the target audience was and because i thought it was just another YA book, this is how you lose the time war by amal el-mohtar and max gladstone whiiiiich i didn't necessarily think was outstanding based on like . literary value and whatnot but the overall concept and certain lines from it really stuck with me!

end of the year book asks!

[aromantic-misguide-to-romance]

Egg Hunt Nightmare - short review

Devilgrams: Easter Egg Panic! (Diavolo), Race for the Golden Egg! (Mammon), Let's Decorate Eggs! (Beelzebub)

Easter Egg Panic!

The premise is ridiculous. Diavolo caused very stupid trouble again, mostly, and MC runs around with him, trying to help him fix it. Standard, just dumber than usual. The ending excuses it all though and I understand that sacrifices must have been made.

Most of the Devilgram is, as expected from the Nightmare, egg hunt and running after magical eggs. Since the title isn't as obvious as with other Devilgrams, I won't say much about plot.

First 3 episodes are generally not very memorable, but despite the generic topic of egg hunt, the plot is well executed. The scenes surprisingly vary a lot - some faster paced, some calmer, some sweeter, some more comedic, so you don't get bored with one motif stretched for too long. It's a decent mix of comedic action, a sweet word here and there, casually hinting the bond between Diavolo and MC.

That underlying bond naturally opens the door for more romantic exchanges and scenes and gives a reason for this ridiculous premise.

Part 4 is much longer and much more rewarding, so it makes up for the slightly bland previous parts, it's mostly both heartwarming and funny. It also offers a kiss option. Also in that cute sweet adorable situation, if you don't go for the kiss, the alternative suddenly kicks you in the gut with a completely casually dropped angst bomb, so enjoy your screamcat.jpg moments.

Choices: quite okay, nothing rude, nothing stupid, they're incorporated into the story in a believable way. But they're mostly just choice + reaction and most of them don't change anything. One chain of choices however is relevant, as a whole unlocks quite a long and meaningful scene. You have to get them all right to get to the end of it and to the kiss choice.

Music: with the variety of moods that the Devilgram covers, every one of them has a fitting piece playing. Well-chosen.

Very fun Devilgram, worth a try for the comedic moments - spiced up with usual Diavolo angst. It's not groundbreaking though - a decent story rather than a masterpiece.

Race for the Golden Egg!

The Devilgram has plenty of action plot as the title suggests so Mammon and MC are constantly running around but that's pretty much it. It is... not very interesting, and doesn't bring interesting interactions between characters either. It's focused entirely on Mammon's hunt for the golden egg, so it's exactly what it says on the tin. Nothing less, nothing more.

There are two romantic moments, but the first romantic option is disconnected and wasn't properly incorporated into the scene - it's sweet but the transition between it and the plot is very unnatural and throws off.

Of course, it's not one of those Devilgrams with lots of romantic potential, it's rather intended as one of those comedic ones... but it could have more bond between MC and Mammon and most of Mammon's hunt is rather bland than funny anyway. It's too focused on the hunt that it completely doesn't have ideas for. It tries to move the action around but it doesn't bring much variety into the adventure.

Choices: the main problem. You generally can choose between cheering Mammon on to amplify his recklessness or being a jerk, even in romantic scenes. Considering that people probably read Devilgrams to spend time with characters they actually like, I don't think the Devilgram gives any sensible options to react. There are various Devilgrams that make the turn down options actually fun, hilarious and friendly and this… definitely isn't one of them. Good choices aren't fun either since they might come off as making fun of Mammon rather than genuinely helping him - he does mess up specifically because MC was rushing him to dive into action but when MC doesn't rush him - he figures out right away how to get it done. So if you don't feel either like being a jerk or amplifying Mammon's tendencies for laughs but let's say would like to raise the number of braincells from zero to one… no choices for you.

Music: doesn't disturb, it's well-chosen and plays multiple pieces typical to funny moments and shenanigans.

I'd say that this Devilgram is very mediocre - nothing new or interesting about Mammon there, few heartwarming moments, annoying choices, the humour isn't outstanding either.

Let's Decorate Eggs!

The Devilgram is about cooking and decorating eggs, so exactly what it says on the tin, nothing more, nothing less. As such, it doesn't have any plot aside from cooking the eggs and decorating them, obviously, and is much calmer and slow paced than the other two. We don't really see any new unexpected sides of Beel and generally it doesn't offer much plot-wise, but it's a pleasant read.

It shows Beel trying out a new hobby and MC is accompanying him on various tasks related to it - so fortunately it has some variety and not just one scene stretched for 4 episodes.

The story itself is quite fluffy but not overly sweet as it's not focused on romance but spending time together, doing something fun. It has one (1) comedic moment - it's funny but it won't make you wheeze.

As a story with such a limited premise it's definitely well-done. It could be more balanced if it had more romantic moments, so if you look for romance and kisses all over the place, it's not this Devilgram.

Choices: some are boring - MC can either be enthusiastic or meh (bordering on rude, I'd even say) about Beel's ideas, most give just a reaction. There are choices that unlock more romantic scenes and further choices - it's quite easy to guess which choice does that.

Music: well-chosen, it's mostly just music typical for just calm everyday stuff going on, so exactly the right pieces for the story.

In general, the Devilgram doesn't offer anything particularly interesting, but it might be a nice addition to your Devilgram collection if you're interested in spending some time with Beel on a new hobby.

In conclusion, Diavolo's SSR is a fun, good read, Beel UR is just nice, Mammon's UR is skippable… maybe that's good, considering the trouble getting the card...

[buddha-in-disguise]

This is how it's done

Episode 5.15 at last.

While the emphasis has been on Nia's story in this episode, the synopsis made it clear Alex, Kelly and J'onn had a secondary storyline running as well. So again we were eager to watch knowing they were finally getting more than a token few minutes together.

Did it deliver?

Oh hell yes.

You just have to look on Twitter to see the praise being heaped on it by fans.

But first let's get the elephant in the room out of the way. William.

The opening sequence as Kara is fighting with Nia, and Nia has to be the one reminding Kara she has a date? Already covered by me and others, but to reiterate: that does not give a vibe of someone excited to be going on a first date. You can't even use the excuse of her mind was on the fight, because so was Nia's.

As to Kara at her apartment with Alex prior to the date?

Those words, "Cancel it for me."

Lets say (for arguments sake) it is nerves again speaking. Maybe it is, but that she is even having those thoughts? That she completely forgot about the 1st date, and needed reminding? If Kara can't get invested in the date, how are the audience expected to become invested?

As for the date itself. Kara arrives.... having been told by Alex to wear the blue top because .... well reasons .... and she is wearing the purple? So, not wanting to go with the best look then?

I didn't mind the date per se, although I did wonder if Kara was simply trying to not show pool skills, because I can't believe for a second, with Alex as a sister, and the control Kara now has on her powers (worry over lack of control would be the only other reason for her hesitation that I can think of), Kara hasn't been pulled into playing many times.

Did I get a date vibe? No. I felt more bonding yes (like why has it taken until now to even vaguely have that much), but date? Nope. Still not feeling it. If any of the above was a one off instance, you could shrug it off. But all of them? Sorry but as I say, if Kara isn't that invested in a first date, then we can't be expected to be as invested. However, that isn't to say that William annoyed me. In truth having him more on the sidelines was a relief as it finally allowed others to get some much needed screen time.

The Nia storyline.

This is obviously one extremely close to me, as my husband is transgender, and we have other family who are also transgender.

Nicole's input was definitely felt. Some of the lines she spoke were ones we have said ourselves almost word for word.

This is a topic that is one I've been extremely vocal about, and one in particular I have spoken about (in the William and Kara at CatCo scene) is the figures for transgender people killed in the last year alone in the USA, but more importantly that this number is likely not a true representation as many who die are misgendered after death.

It was so important to show just how bad for the transgender community it is. And no, it wouldn't necessarily be a fact Kara would know. Even those in the LGBTQ community aren't always aware of these figures. As for William being the one stating the figures back to Kara, again in the context I had no qualms about it. In fact having a CIS straight man write the piece and be a supportive ally is an important message in it's own right. I was worried that wouldn't come across, but I felt it did.

If ever there was a line that spoke volumes in this weeks Supergirl episode it was this:

"They want us to be invisible because of their own fears, they want to erase us so...... we need to shine even brighter." - Nia Nal

And shine Nicole Maines (and Roxy Wood, because the additional line about being a Black transgender woman - take my heart, stomp over it, then expect me to function), did. Both deserve so much praise on the way they delivered their performances.

I genuinely cried at some of this weeks episode, because the experiences have been ones we have faced as a transgender household. Being white does afford us a privilege that Black transgender people (especially the women) don't have. But as I say, it has been something I've been vocal about for a long time.

Lastly Kara and Nia on the balcony. Holy mother of god (or goddess), tears. Again. Nicole and Melissa once again were so good it felt like a punch to the gut. Kara wiping that tear off Nia's cheek. Big ugly sobbing from me. Gah! Just ....

Now Alex and Kelly. While I'm still craving a nice intimate atmosphere at home with them, having had so little of Dansen (and Kelly) it was a relief that for once Kelly wasn't given diminished screentime. Not only that, she was instrumental in helping Alex navigate through the VR world.

Alex having that PTSD flashback to being in the tank. Whoa, finally acknowledging it affected her and obviously still does. I loved how Kelly is so good at helping Alex maintain her equilibrium. You could tell it wasn't just because of her training or profession, but as a girlfriend who knows and understands how to communicate to Alex in that moment of stress, much like Alex was able to realise Malefic was manifesting as Kelly in the earlier part of the season, simply because she knew her girlfriend well enough.

Watching Alex train to get used to the Martian weapon, felt very reminiscent of S1 where Alex was training Kara early on. It was good to see her off balance for once in her training, as she has always shown a confidence in her ability until now. For those who complain she brought up wanting to be back at the DEO, as someone who has heavy military presence in our family (for at least 4 generations on my maternal side), I can safely say, going from military (and remember the DEO is recognised and spoken about in canon as being a military operation), and suddenly and unexpectedly thrown back into civilian life is one heck of an adjustment. It's an adjustment for most even when they know it's coming. To be so abrupt, so unexpected? Alex is going to want that structure back, and have that support around her. It is absolutely not unrealistic for her to feel this way or to talk about it. I would've been more surprised if she hadn't.

"And this is my gun."

Alex giving no crap. The whole rescue sequence was a joy to watch.

If I had a complaint, as I mentioned, I would've loved just a moment of real quiet intimacy between Kelly and Alex. We've barely seen anything of that sort. I hope we get something next episode (which also looks amazing from the trailer).

I could go through the episode and pick up so many times on how good it was. It was so much, I know I will have forgotten something I wanted to say. But I'm exhausted (almost no sleep will do that to you, damn being in the UK and these stupid o'clock viewing times), and it was so much to unpack.

Brainy, was barely in the episode but damn, so lovely (& heartbreaking) to see him give the information to the NCPD to help against transphobic attacks.

Onto a side plot, but finally we have more about Leviathan.

Leviathan have those bodies suspended.

What if William dies in 5.19 and becomes one of those suspended bodies for 5.20 or was supposed to, as Nicole mentioned on her Instagram story they still had scenes to film, and a couple were pretty amazing? With Staz back, would it have involved him, possibly as a sleeper agent? I've touted this idea before. While I would prefer that a MOC isn't cast into being a bad guy again, or killed off, I would more than happily see him simply go back to London and The Times. But I guess we wait to see what happens there.

But if, like Russell in 5a, he becomes an unwitting agent of Leviathan & a bad guy, cue fight scene, possibly in a VR setting? Maybe? Who knows.

Last but by no means least - they killed off Jeremiah. Since we're not entirely sure if Cadmus operated in the same way on Earth Prime as they did on Earth 38, we don't yet know the circumstances behind his death.

Will we get more explanation about it? Honestly I'm not overly bothered unless it helps serve a current storyline. Merely because episode numbers are running out, and it does at least bring us closure on his character one way or another. Something a lot of us have questioned for so long now.

As for complaints, the only ones expressing any real disappointment have been fans who have either regularly attacked other fans (especially those of in the SC or Dansen fandoms), or the outright transphobic users (I won't call them fans), who as the episode makes clear, are everywhere. The transphobes come out in force everytime with Nicole, so it isn't a surprise to see them again. As Nia says, it what transgender people face on a daily basis.

Plus with no Lena in the episode, it helps show that fans didn't need a Lena/Kara centric episode for this to garner such positive reactions, particularly from the LGBTQ fans. In some ways, as many have been saying (yes even SC fans), this Lena drama has long since gone by its sell by date and not having Lena once more stuck in her laboratory wasn't missed. And god, I say this as a huge Lena fan. I still want her on screen of course, but we need progression on what is happening with her. Both Lex and Lena have felt stale of late, and while I know it changes as we get into the last few episodes, I can truly say neither was missed this time. And before anyone jumps in, no this isn't bashing SC (I still ship both Dansen and SC, as well as Brainia), or saying SC shouldn't happen, or Lena is evil, or not needed. I don't think that at all. I merely am getting tired of a merry-go-round on Lena in her laboratory that we've had of late, & the only interaction has been with Lex. Time to break her out of that cell!

I don’t know what they were putting in the water in Vancouver when they did the Batwoman and Supergirl episodes this week, but they both had me simultaneously laughing & crying! It looked ugly for a minute there.

Both were outstanding episodes.

As much as I've had my criticism over some of this season, when Supergirl get it right like they did here, they soar! This was one of my top episodes for the entire series.

And despite all the news in the world right now, Supergirl trended on Twitter again.

Gif courtesy of @ Daily_danvers on Twitter.

[kiyoominous]

starburst matchup 

exchange with @haikyuu-matches​

hello! thanks for doing this with me, i think it's such a cute idea! i hope you don't mind that i've went with a more narrative approach with this matchup, i have never done one in my life D: 

you have been matched with komori motoya! 

falling for you!

komori met you at a community volleyball club. he doesn't visit too often, with the responsibilities of his own high school club, but he likes to play when he can. one particular day, he entered the community centre and saw you in all your 5'6 glory. the last time he came, he didn't see you in the crowd of familiar neighbourhood faces. you stood further towards the back of the hall, fidgeting with your fingers. this image looked all too familiar to komori, the cousin of a particularly standoffish ace. a sympathetic pang in his chest and he walked over to you, smiling as your eyes met his. 

you both traded names and he noticed that you were a little quiet. that was okay, he could talk around that. and he did, asking you questions and trying his hardest to make you feel comfortable. taking glances at your face, he saw the corners of your mouth turn upwards and noted that it was working. 

was it weird that he was enjoying it? 

komori doesn't remember too many things about that day. the volleyball match was fun and he remembered doing a really good receive. the rest of his memories from that day were filled with you. you and your shy smile, you and your dark chocolate eyes, you and your cute jokes. sure, you could've been the same as every other girl he's met in his life but there was something so discernibly about you. something so outstanding that he felt couldn't be matched. he couldn't put his finger on it so he made it his mission to finally put a name to this feeling. 

he found that the second he mentally declared his manhunt to define his thoughts on you, he was seeing you everywhere. he spotted you at the convenience store, he bumped into you at the dog park and he saw you at school. he saw you at school? komori was mildly surprised to see you in the cafeteria of his school, which was your's too. you weren't all too shocked, you knew about him through volleyball monthly but you didn't want to tell him that you did. 

five minutes of conversation and he discovered that you were both in different classes. no wonder why he never saw you around. or perhaps he did but he never took notice of your sleek black hair. he was always accompanying sakusa anyway so he didn't really notice anyone outside of his club or his class. 

somehow, someone mentioned the upcoming exam season. you declared your conflict with standardised testing, he proclaimed his struggle with revising content in return. it became very obvious to komori that his chance to understand you more intently was here; he could ask you to study with him! talk about killing two birds with one stone. you agreed to his plan with a gentle smile and he felt his heart flutter. was it the satisfaction of your agreement or was it something deeper? 

he decided that the answer would come to him later, not now. 

after the much anticipated study session came another one, and another one, and then studying morphed into free time. and then free time morphed into a weekly friday night hangout. unbeknownst to him, one of the beloved friday nights would become a vehicle for his romantic epiphany.  

komori enjoyed this turn of events. as much as he wouldn't admit it out loud, komori realised that he enjoyed your presence too. maybe a little too much. every second he spent with you, he felt his heart racing faster than it ever did after a volleyball match. it didn't help that your accidental touches made it accelerate even more. he didn't think that was even possible. it was impossible to not drink in the sight of you. the glow of your face, your silky dark hair, your gleaming brown eyes. perhaps you might’ve found them boring and painfully average but he thought you were the prettiest person he’d ever had the pleasure of perceiving. 

his fixation on you extended past your outward appearance and dove right within your mind, your heart, your very soul. he loved the sound of your laugh, the noise was melodious to him. he loved your sense of humour, all of those puns and dad jokes were right up his alley. hearing them made his heart flutter even more. he loved your hardworking nature, your love for the rain, the passion you put into everything you adored. 

he loved you. 

komori saw your widening eyes in his vision and suddenly he was brought back to the cold of your living room, back to the dark of the midnight sky, back to where he was sitting right now; next to you on the timber floorboards. the neon light of the television reflected on your pretty face, the movie playing on the screen long forgotten in favour of you. 

the realisation that he said that out loud hit him right in the chest and he felt like he was going to pass out. komori felt the air enter his lungs again when he heard you reciprocate loud and clear. 

you loved him too. 

the relationship dynamic!

you're both the most entertaining pair to be around, the gemini/leo combo makes for a fun relationship. 

the two of you are one of those couples that people want to be around, wishing to stick around to laugh with you and just see you so in love. 

with your mom friend energy and his dad friend energy (which i know he just has), you both become the designated parents amongst your friends. whether its a blessing or a curse, that's up to them to decide. 

the two of you are constantly on the same wavelength. 

it’s never too loud or too quiet with komori, just the right balance of both. 

he loves your sense of humour and thinks you’re one of the funniest people on the planet. it helps that he’s absolutely enamoured by your puns and dad jokes. sometimes he’ll shoot one right back at you just to hear you laugh. 

you both like poking a little fun at each other, giving teasing remarks or sarcastic quips. 

komori cares so much about you. 

he understands your need to recover in social situations and gives you the time that you need. he’s willing to be the pillar you run to whenever your social battery’s running low. 

though he admires your hardworking nature, he won’t hesitate to stop you if you overwork yourself. he always encourages breaks and offers to do your work for you if that’s what you need. not necessarily a nagging type of person but if he needs to take physical action, he’ll do it. it’s mostly just him stealing your laptop and pulling you into his lap for a cuddle. 

he doesn’t hesitate to remind you that you don’t have to be a people pleaser. an understanding man, he knows that it’s hard to just get over it so he tells you that he’ll be with you every step of the way, always giving you a gentle reminder of how cool you are to him and that you can say no. 

komori wants to be the shoulder you lean on whenever you’re facing something you don’t like. loud noises? he’ll hold you close and rub your back, telling you that it’ll all be okay. confrontation? he’ll confront them for you. injuries? he’ll keep an eye on you to make sure that you’re never going to be hurt. on the off chance that you do earn a wound, komori will ensure that you’re fixed up as soon as possible. he has a whole mini first aid kit on him specifically for this reason. fear of losing? he’ll always remind you that your efforts mattered more than the results and give you a kiss on the top of your head. the unknown? he’ll waddle through the unknown with you. he’s scared of it too but he won’t tell you that. violence? he’ll cover your eyes and guide you away with strong, gentle arms. 

he loves indulging himself in all of your interests.  

on lazy days, he’ll sit with you and take turns reading a book to each other out loud. sometimes it’s a whole novel, sometimes it’s a manga you’ve picked up from the library. he thinks it’s cute seeing your eyebrows furrow while you concentrate on the words in front of you. 

the study dates don’t end. whenever one of you is struggling with a subject, the other visits to be their personal tutor. it ends up being you a lot of the time, since komori loves your studying method. 

komori loves to read your writing. there are days where you go over to his to hangout and sit in silence. he adores that he can be that relaxed around you and lounge around on his phone while you sit up with your laptop propped on your lap. you’re always writing up a draft of a new creative piece whenever he glances at your laptop. he graciously offers to be your beta reader and indulges in every word you’ve typed. komori thinks that your writing style is so beautiful. 

one day, you told him that you like the french language and he spent a week trying to learn how to say ‘i love you’ and maybe a couple of other phrases to surprise you out of nowhere. when he saw your shock, he giggled and wrapped his arms around you. from that moment on, he would occasionally whisper je t'aime into your ear. he loves you so much omg. 

you play sports together. it doesn’t matter what it is; be it volleyball, tennis or soccer. you’re both a power duo in every game you play and everyone’s scared to play again the two of you. it helps that your boyfriend is one of the most notable liberos in japan. 

komori likes watching anything with you. sometimes when you’re both too tired to go out, he’ll set up his tv to watch whatever you’re in the mood for. one day you might catch up on my hero academia. another day you might be sniffling at a romcom. he likes romcoms more than he’d like to admit but he tells you about this guilty pleasure to appease your love for the genre. 

you mentioned to him once that you liked handwritten letters and komori made it his personal mission to write one for you personally once a month. they’re always so heartfelt, a clear reflection of him and his emotions towards you. he enjoys writing them as much as he enjoys the expression on your face when you read them. 

he seems to be the greek mythology enthusiast himself so he loves talking to you about it. and by enthusiast, i mean that komori was one of those kids who owned the whole entire percy jackson series. since the most that he knows about greek mythology is whatever is written in the percy jackson books, he lets you sit with him and educate him on the extensive lore of the gmcu (greek mythology cinematic universe). 

he loves hearing you talk about astrology and gets into it himself. he can’t help it, especially with the bright smile you hold on your face whenever you talk about it. when he first found out about your astrological compatibility, he was over the moon. the grin that he had on his face was so big that you thought that it looked like the moon itself. he’s downloaded co-star and reads his and your horoscope sometimes. 

date idea! 

komori decided to take you to a cat cafe after you mentioned the idea of it to him once. it’s a very him thing to do, to remember something you’ve told him offhandedly once and immediately make something big out of it. 

the second you step in, your eyes glimmer with delight as they land on the multitude of cats in the vicinity. you don’t even look back to him at once, swerving your attention to the cafe’s residents. at least you’re holding his hand still, he thinks. maybe he’s a little jealous but hey, the visible joy on your face beats his concern over being prioritised after felines living in a cafe. 

after what seemed like hours of cat-petting, you both sat to order, the food arriving in a pleasingly timely fashion. the lunch items were delicious, the desserts were divine but komori was even more drawn to the soft look of adoration on your face as you stared at a calico cat that frequently passed by the two of you. 

this might’ve been his best date idea yet, he thought. 

[aetherlocket]

Follow the River

BNHA X READER

Fantasy AU

This is chapter 1. Read the rest on FFNET, AO3 or Wattpad!!

There was a great white palace that was impossible to not catch eye of peering over a fog blanketed summit, where King Enji, Prince Shoto, and Enji's other children resided. Many knights guarded the palace and served under the King, and (Y/n) was one of them.

She was born and raised to become a warrior and serve for one in a higher position. It was something of a family tradition for the women to become something of the sort. Her father was more of a businessman, her grandfather a chauffeur, while her mother was a dragon hunter, and her grandmother also a knight, though not quite so skilled.

Although (Y/n) didn't have the natural talent her female family did when it came to fighting, she tried her best and eventually earned the respect of many skilled warriors in the Kingdom of Yuuei. Every day, she seemed to learn something new in the art of combat, while dedicating her life to the protection of Prince Shoto.

Only few, including her, knew of the corruption underlying King Enji and his family. The blatant favoritism when it came to King Enji choosing his heir went overlooked and uncontested in the community due to his outstanding reputation.

On the road not too far off from the great palace was a white horse. (Y/n) the knight handled the frantic animal attached to the carriage as if it was nothing, and Prince Shoto watched carefully as if he would learn just by watching her armor covered hands move the reins.

"How far is this kingdom?" he asked.

"If you fall asleep, it'll feel like nothing," the knight's voice was echoey and serious inside the steel helm.

"So it's far." Shoto sighed and his eyes fluttered closed as well, sinking into his seat just a bit. "All I must do is speak with this noble's daughter, correct? And then I may go home?"

"Yes. I've forgotten her full name, but your own father is considering a marriage between you two," (Y/n) replied without hesitation.

"I- what?" Shoto blinked. "Why hasn't he told me this?"

There was no response.

"Why do you know, but not me?"

(Y/n) stayed silent, and only swallowed nervously.

"Ah," Shoto sighed. "I see. You weren't supposed to say that."

"Please don't tell King Enji I said anything.." (Y/n) squeaked, not befitting for a warrior graced with the strongest armor and sharpest sword in the kingdom.

"Don't worry about it.." Shoto's voice lowered as he turned his head to the side, watching the trees rapidly pass by him, his hair covering some of his view as a frown made its way to his face. (Y/n) turned her head away from the road for a second to make sure Shoto was alright, and something in his expression flicked a switch in her.

"I.. You know, he isn't sure. It's just to see if she's up to his standards, I guess. Not a guarantee-"

"Won't you get in trouble if you keep talking?" Shoto said with his usual dead tone, but he was just a bit relieved on the inside. He had no intention on marrying anyone, and being forced to would further destroy the already unbearable relationship between him and his father.

(Y/n) nodded without a sound and focused her eyes on the road from then on. But then Shoto pouted. He wanted to know more.

"How do you feel about this?" Shoto asked. "This.. marriage."

(Y/n) hesitated for a moment before answering. "This.. is what the King wants, so there isn't much I can do about it. I just don't agree with it, per say... It's not right..."

"That's all I needed to know," Shoto replied.

(Y/n) always wondered what was going on inside of Shoto's mind, and that moment was no exception. He was an enigma. She didn't blame him for being cold at times, however.

She also wasn't particularly so sure about that area. She hadn't been to their destination before, so she simply trusted her instincts and a ripped map to take her and Prince Shoto there.

Being trusted with such an important figure in the kingdom gave her stomach butterflies. As she began to feel a smile free itself from under her helmet, the carriage came to a sudden halt, throwing both (Y/n) and Shoto forwards.

"Step out slowly. Keep your hands in the air and don't try anything," said a voice, and a battle axe was pointed at the pair. Three, to be exact, one for each silhouette.

(Y/n) knew better than to reach for her halberd, and reassured Shoto with a quick, soft metal touch to his shoulder, slowly leaving the white carriage. "You're challenging someone with armor and a weapon while you're bare? I hope you know that you won't be leaving with the Prince."

"Oh, we don't care about the Prince. We just happened to hear from someone that you're carrying a lot of money in that carriage to offer the daughter of that noble," said a different man, presumably a second bandit. "But we may have to kill him if you resist. There's three of us, and only one has to get close to him. Your armor means nothing."

The third bandit made his way behind the carriage, closer to the Prince, just in case. Shoto gave (Y/n) a look, though she couldn't tell, facing away from him. She was already sweating in her armor from the sun and quite worn out from training, so this wasn't the ideal situation for her. And yet, she didn't downplay herself.

The knight lifted the front of her helm, exposing her face, riddled with sweat. "Yes, there is money. There's a bag next to where the Prince is sitting," (Y/n) said, taking the chance to look at Shoto. He shook his head, as if reading her mind, diverting his gaze to the bandits, his hands inching closer to his sword by the second.

"Before you go and do that," (Y/n) said, stopping the second bandit from walking past her, "Who gave you this information? Only us, the King and the noble were informed of this."

"I won't say. You'd have them executed. They're a big help, so we can't have that," he said, and smiled. (Y/n) cursed mentally. Was it one person, and the bandit refused to reveal their gender, or is it another group of people?

As the second man placed his foot on the edge of the carriage, (Y/n) halberd left it's holster, its tip barely making its way to the second man's neck before the edge of an axe was placed dangerously close to Shoto's neck as well.

"You're risking the life of your Prince? I don't understand you. Some knight you are," said the second bandit.

"I apologize," (Y/n) said, moving her halberd away from his neck.

"Thank you for the distraction," Shoto said, and before anyone could process it, blood fell down like a fountain to dirt. The second bandit tried to speak, only to cough up blood. "Speaking with a sword through your heart proves to be difficult, doesn't it?"

The loud thud of the large man hitting the floor made even the knight flinch, watching the man writhe in agony, holding his fist weakly against his heart for his last few moments. She then realized; she wasn't doing anything to help whatsoever.

"Fuck!" The other men had tried vigilantly to swing their axes at the Prince, who jumped back off of the carriage. It seemed that they had completely forgotten about the money, and focused their attention on the death of the Prince.

The knight missed her attack, but they couldn't even reach the Prince before a clean slice to their necks were delivered by who they were trying so desperately to kill. They went into a stiff paralysis and fell over, holding their necks and drowning in their own blood.

(Y/n) could only stand there mesmerized, lowing her bloody halberd, almost forgetting to wipe the acidic substance coating it.

She was also, frankly, ashamed.

The blood on her halberd wasn't because she had killed them, saving the Prince. It was splatter from the Prince having to defend himself with an incompetent knight by his side.

"I assume we'll have to reschedule this little trip," Shoto said, wiping some blood off of the edge of his lips and softly running his fingers through the docile horse's mane. "Turn the carriage around."

****

Many could tell, simply by watching (Y/n)'s face in the rare times she had her helmet off, or even completely covered, simply from her body language, that she didn't enjoy working in the palace. Even Shoto could tell how much energy wearing the heavy suit and sparring with the others as training took from her each day.

No one could blame her. No one liked working for Enji Todoroki. Ask anyone in the palace for their opinion of him, and it will be some variation of 'bastard' or 'good for nothing.' Ask people outside the palace, and it will be something positive or indifferent, because they believe whatever the newspapers tell them.

Shoto had asked his knight once: "What do you think of this idea; I run away from this place and start a new life."

To which (Y/n) blinked and removed her steel helmet, a way of expressing her concern. It was then that Shoto knew she was serious. "Are you really considering this?"

Shoto only nodded. He felt often like he had said too much, basically, whenever he spoke. His father did a great job of making this point around him.

"I understand," said (Y/n), to his surprise.

He expected a, 'You're delusional. You're a rich prince with everything you could ever want!' or, 'Don't take your position for granted. I'd kill to be in your place.'

"I doubt that," Shoto replied, attempting to provoke her into speaking her mind a bit more, hoping for more encouraging words.

"I can tell why you do, my Prince," (Y/n) said. It wasn't working.

Shoto sighed. "I can't talk to anyone without them treating me like a Prince. I'm just a normal kid on the inside, damnit.." His voice was as low as a whimper, but (Y/n) could hear every syllable as they left his mouth. She pretended not to hear and kept her head down.

***

Shoto hadn't dared to enter the knight's quarters without permission once before.. but he had made up his mind that night about something.

Shoto chuckled as he saw (Y/n) with her helmet still on as she slept. He removed it as slowly as possible, and wasn't surprised to see that her face was sweating uncontrollably with rosy cheeks, and her hair messy.

He almost forgot why he was there as (Y/n) began to wake up, presumably from the sudden influx of cool, fresh air hitting her face.

Shoto held his hand out before the girl could fully awaken. "Come, I'm leaving tonight."

"Prince? What do you mean leaving? Why are you in the knight's quarters? I-"

"Just get your armor and weapons and come," Shoto put a finger to her mouth, lightly squeezing her arm. She didn't dare protest any further. If it was the Prince's will, then she was meant to follow it, no matter what. But there was something off this time. He seemed happy, in a way, for once, without smiling. Shoto helped carry parts of her armor out of the quarters while she carried her halberd, most dangerous areas facing the ground as Shoto led the way.

"So what's happening exactly?" (Y/n) asked, stuffing some leftover yen into her pocket.

Shoto only walked into his room and gestured for the knight to join him. He was already wearing what he usually did, his royal attire embroidered especially for him along with his holstered sword. "I told you, we're leaving."

"You weren't kidding..?" The knight chuckled. "I understand you want to leave this place, but think about it. Your dad will do anything to get you back-"

"I don't care. I'd like to see him try," Shoto replied coldly, polishing his weapon and slipping on a few bracelets, hiding them under his sleeve. "I'm not going to that noble's place. I'm not marrying his daughter either, so I'll have to leave before the trip is rescheduled. Easy as that."

***

"So where.. exactly.. are we going?" (Y/n) asked the Prince.

"To a certain mountain," replied he.

"You don't mean.. That one.. right?"

After a brief moment of silence, (Y/n)'s worst fears were confirmed, and her tongue began to feel heavy in her mouth. "Sir.."

"Is there a problem?" Shoto asked, looking straight ahead as he walked.

"I'm.. not sure if I can protect you, if anything happens, if that makes sense."

Shoto stopped and turned to face the knight. "What are you talking about?"

"Well.. a few days ago.. those men trying to take the money.. and how I was basically useless.. You had to do everything yourself. It doesn't make sense-"

"You were tired," Shoto interrupted her, then continued walking.

(Y/n) stood there for a moment, staring at the ground before picking up her pace to match the Prince's again, until they reached the base of the mountain.

"Why are there steps?" (Y/n) asked.

"Mount Hosu used to be a tourist attraction.. it's closed because of the dragon rumored to live here now."

(Y/n) shivered. "Dragon."

"Did you say something?"

"Nope."

They continued forward, climbing up an unholy amount of steps before it split into two different paths. One of the paths was dry and bare, while the other had a stream of water beside it.

"Just follow the river," Shoto said, and walked along the path with the stream of water.

"How come you know this place so well, Prince?" (Y/n) asked. As far as she knew, Shoto stayed locked in the castle all his life, and only left under supervision from her or another trusted knight.

"It's not Prince anymore, just Shoto," the boy dodged the question expertly.

***

It took a while, but they finally arrived at the top. (Y/n) immediately used her survival skills. (Y/n) gathered dry wood and use a spindle stick to light a small ember. Shoto tried himself but failed, only giving himself some splinters from the wood.

With the knight's guidance, Shoto successfully managed to roast a wild animal. Of course, Shoto had really understood none of it, but nodded in silence, and hoped that she would help him later.

"Now that I've helped you.." (Y/n) began to trace her finger across the dirt. "How about you teach me more about fighting? A knight should know more, if not just as much, as their Prince. It only makes sense."

Shoto hummed. "You're already known as a strong warrior. I don't believe you need extra training."

"Please?"

"I'm nothing special.. I can't really teach."

"Please?" (Y/n) pleaded.

"... Tomorrow, maybe," Shoto relented. He walked over behind a tree and took out two folded tents.

"Did you plan this or something?" the knight asked.

"I've been considering it for a while, let's say."

As they settled, a teenage boy had just finished climbing up the same steep mountain as the Prince and the Prince's close knight, and he was exhausted. Then, as he caught his breath, he repeated his goal over and over in his head; to hunt down the dragon perched somewhere on this godforsaken mountain.

[spirituallyyellow]

30/5/22

Last night I read five chapters of Little Women. I forgot how much I love Jo March. I'm trying to think of how I would make Jo a D&D character. Probably a Bard, but a writing, theatrical kind, with a noble-fallen-on-hard-times background.

I'm listening to the Sharp Objects soundtrack at the moment. I fucking love that miniseries from a few years ago. I read the book ages ago and it just destroyed me. That's just exactly how I feel when I go home to my parents.

My therapist gently suggested recently that perhaps we'd been missing the point in our sessions, and rather than just the childhood situation I was in being a difficult one that my parents handled badly, I was also being low-key abused by my family.

It makes me feel sick to think about. I have to see them this summer, and I cannot describe how much I don't want to. Originally I was going to have to go home for a month, but I had a full on breakdown. I mean, it was ugly. I was actually shaking and sobbing about how much I didn't want to go.

So I cut it down to two weeks, and then my mom bought the plane tickets and made it nearly three weeks. I feel trapped.

When I go, I just dissociate the whole time. I don't even feel like myself.

I said to my husband awhile ago, "I'm starting to feel like - like, I know my parents love me, but I don't think they like me very much." I expected him to disagree with me, tell me something like no, no, don't be silly, of course they do, you just don't communicate very well, but instead he got this kind of pained look and nodded, like, yeah, I don't think so, either.

Like this.

And I just fucking lost it. I spiralled so badly. I thought I was OK, but I one hundred percent was not. And now I have to go home for a visit.

Anyway, I want to talk about my paladin character.

I didn't roll great for her - I rolled all right, no negatives, but nothing particularly outstanding. But I love her so much. She is absolutely riddled with anxiety and a powerful hope to be a real hero. Her background is that she accidentally caused the deaths of hundreds of soldiers during battle and is now seeking a redemption for herself that she doesn't truly believe is possible. But that doesn't stop her.

She's got a bit of a crush on this guy who I, her player, know 100% is Bad News and probably evil and definitely using her for his own ends, but she has no idea (very low insight rolls). She's young - a fresh 20 - with her only real world experience being battle, which is not particularly helpful. My hope is that she'll either convince Bad News Guy to redeem himself, or that she'll be betrayed and killed by him. I've taken Compelled Duel in the hopes that maybe one day she'll realise that he's betraying the party and she'll be able to compel him to duel her and it will either result in her death, his death, or his redemption, and I think any of those endings would just be chef's kiss. I love a good drama.

I dated a guy like Bad News Guy when I was 18/19. He was definitely not nice to me, and was super manipulative and mean. I wasn't my best self either, though. I think I was dating him as an elaborate act of hurting myself, and hurt myself I did. I think I also hurt him, but not as much as he hurt me.

Eventually, several years ago, I looked him up online and found out that his life kind of sucks now and seems legitimately hard and not due to his own choices, which made me feel strange. I didn't reach out to him or anything, but I think I let go of a grudge I'd held. We were both just stupid kids. It doesn't excuse the behaviour, but I don't feel like I need anything from it. I don't need validation or apologies or anything - I can just forgive him and let it go. And move on.

It feels good.

Sometimes at work I'll have clients who will talk about how they hate the idea of forgiveness, and they will never forgive a person who treated them badly. Which I do understand, and of course I'd never urge anybody to forgive another person - it's their business and their process.

But for me, I don't think of forgiveness as saying to someone, "Hey, I don't mind that you treated me like shit." I think of it more like being able to look (literally or metaphorically) at a person who hurt you and see them as a person who made serious mistakes, rather than as a mindless monster, and you can say to yourself that whatever they did, however they hurt you, you aren't going to let their actions rule over your choices anymore. You release whatever you're holding and move forward - you leave behind the active, ongoing hurt, and view it as something that happened to you before, but isn't a present part of your daily reality.

And also, forgiveness doesn't have to be a once-and-done thing. I think forgiveness is an ongoing act. Some days it's easier to remember to forgive than other days, and sometimes it's a 70% forgiveness. And that's OK. Forgiving someone doesn't have to mean that you are no longer experiencing hurt or pain from their actions, it means that you're trying to grow forward without dragging along this person along and continuing to let them control your life and emotions.

One of the things I love about playing a paladin is that feeling of I will protect what's mine. Not in a controlling, possessive way, but in a way where her responsibility is to humankind (extending to elves, dwarves, etc - humanoid-kind?), and she believes it and takes it seriously. And is willing to sacrifice for it. But I think a redemption paladin would forgive more easily, would hope more, would believe more, not because they're stupid but because they know that people can be good, when they choose to be, when they have help and support to be. They can know that people fuck up, and believe that they can do better.

I don't know what I did for my parents to treat me the way they do. They don't treat my sister the same way. They always acted like I was this terrible teen, this hellion, but I never did anything - I didn't drink when I was underage, I smoked one summer after I was eighteen, I didn't have sex, I didn't party or use drugs. I just felt and expressed anger over how shitty everything was at home, and it was legit shitty. My sister developed the kind of anxiety that made her quiet and repressed and compliant, and my brother just stayed in his room all the time.

Me, I made noise. I shouted. I fought. I cracked the lid of the toilet tank. I cried. I didn't act like things were fine. Because they weren't.

And then my dad threatened to put me into state custody. Everyone was dying around me, and no one helped me or talked to me. I actually thought my dad was going to, he had taken me out for a drive, and I thought we would talk, like we used to before everything was ruined, and instead he told me that if I didn't calm down, he was going to turn me over to the state.

And you know, never once did they offer to put me in therapy. They put my sister in therapy, but never me. My mom gave me some bullshit about how they thought it would make me angrier, but honestly, fuck that noise. I needed somewhere safe to be angry.

Anyway, that's when I started hurting myself. I didn't want to get sent away, so I took all that rage out on myself, and then they were shocked to find out I was suicidal and in an abusive relationship when I was 18/19. Like, no shit Sherlock.

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I'd had parents who actually thought about me as a real person instead of whatever they think of me as. Something that exists to make their lives hard, I guess.

I thought I was going to finally make them proud of me when I finished my masters last year, but no. That didn't work, either.

I think that's why my job is what it is. I can handle all the dark, sad, terrible shit because I know I can survive it in my real life, so I can handle hearing it from others.

This is very disjointed today. I'm struggling to maintain focus. I think I don't know exactly what I want to say, I just want to say something. I want to be heard.

I listen all the time, some days in near silence, and now that I'm trying to stop talking about work or my problems in real life, I have to talk somewhere. I have to have somewhere to just let it all out.

I feel so hopeless sometimes. Having a front row seat to the worst of human suffering changes a person, and I am changed. I am affected. I can't sit, day in and day out, over the course of months and years, and listen to stories of rape, incest, and sexual abuse and assault, and not be changed. Sometimes, sitting with normal people who think reports of sexual abuse are either overblown or far removed feels like visiting an alternate dimension.

Sometimes going to work can feel like walking down into a sewer filled with people trying to sift through the mountains of shit that other people dumped them in, and I can try to point them to the ladder out, but I can't make them use it. All I can do is sit in the shit with them as long as they want me to, and then try to remember where the ladder was when the day is over.

And I think often I don't remember. I think sometimes, my self-care has not been climbing the ladder, but pressing my face against a grate that lets fresh air in. And that's not good enough. It's not. I know that I'll burn out if I keep going like I have been.

Sometimes I do wonder if there are people who just genuinely can do this work, actually care, do it well, and then leave the office and be genuinely OK, and do that for, idk, thirty years or however long people work. Or if in the end, we all burn out because humanity is just exhausting, endlessly dark, and people rarely actually change.

A central part of Little Women is the girls learning to quietly manage their burdens, and help and think of others before themselves. I wish I knew how to quietly manage my burdens. All I know how to do is complain or bottle everything up until I explode.

I don't have a blueprint for making mistakes safely.