#GENUINELY AM I REALLY WOULD'VE IF I HAD THE ENERGY TO DO IT

[radi0activec0smos]

Happy birthday @bagelblue/@blue-eridanus!!!

[sukunasweetheart]

Can I please request Sukuna and reader picking up their child from preschool? It can be anything, fluff or angst, its up to you!

Love your work and keep it up <33

thank you for requesting and i'm so very sorry that this took a billion years to complete... i just now finally thought of an intriguing way to do this request <3

some warnings: fem!reader, major character death, ooc sukuna, major angst, modern AU, sukuna and reader have a daughter

good things never really last.

well, at least that's what sukuna believed before he came across you. you and your delicate expressions and equally as delicate affection and warmth, which seemed to wrap around him constantly, even when he tried to avoid you at the beginning of all this, all because of his own uncertainty and his rather skeptical outlooks on the concept of love.

he's always been self-centered-- so the idea of his life becoming centered around anyone else but himself, frankly, scared him a little bit.

but, putting that aside...

a high pitched, overjoyed squeal rings out from inside the daycare centre, and a little girl comes running into your open arms, embracing you with the overflowing energy that little children always tend to have. you lift her up with ease, smiling as she giggles from the gesture.

"mommy!" she says, nuzzling her soft, tiny face against yours without much care for being gentle. someone else trails in from behind, feeling a little left out from this reunion.

"aren't you forgetting someone here, princess?"

sukuna also makes his entrance into the centre, walking towards the both of you. your tiny daughter gasps, and flails her arms out towards the big man.

"daddy!! you're here too?!"

"that i am, sweetheart. happy to see me?" he takes her away from you, holding her as gently as possible with his large hands.

"uh huh," she nods with enthusiasm.

"of course you do. my little girl."

the sukuna of the past would've never fathomed having a future like this, where he'd be handling a child of all things with such care. it's really different when they're your own flesh and blood. he's adored her like no one else. ah- well- no one else but you, that is.

he carries her to the car, while you take your daughter's bag from the daycare teacher, who waves you off with a couple of words of goodbye.

the ride home is nothing short of cosy and cheerful, with the happy singing of your little girl coming from the backseats, and the laughs from you as you listen to the way she mispronounces a lot of the words in the song. sukuna drives wordlessly, with a gentle smile on his face.

the skies happened to be so clear that day, with not a speck of a cloud being sighted within it.

some time after arriving home, you began to languidly start your work in the kitchen, preparing dinner that also turned out even better tasting than usual, that particular night. you always felt the happiest, when sukuna praised your cooking, especially as someone who you knew had very high standards when it came to food.

and miraculously, once dinner was all finished and your daughter was all dressed up ready for bedtime, she managed to fall asleep a lot faster than most evenings, leaving you and sukuna with quite a bit of...freetime.

you lay on the mattress under his sultry gaze, as he undresses you carefully as though he were unwrapping a present, trailing soft kisses down the side of your neck. you're as beautiful as the day he first met you. this was the most perfect end to the most perfect day in his life.

too perfect.

...

he should have been suspicious, with the way things were getting so blissful in his life-- his life that had previously been so rocky and turbulent.

was this supposed to be punishment for his sins? for all his arrogance and selfishness? the heavens decided to grace him with the feeling of genuine love and its reciprocation, only to then tear it away from his hands once he'd started to take it for granted.

...it was an unforeseen accident. could've happened to anybody. why did it have to be you?

good things never last.

sukuna drops the home phone immediately upon hearing the news, and hurriedly packs a small bag for his daughter. he drops her off to her friend's house, who is a long term neighbour of theirs. then makes a beeline towards the hospital, speeding past every red light that dared to try and stop him.

yet, that was all for naught, as by the time he'd arrived to your bed at the hospital, you had already taken your last breath, and said your final words. which he couldn't hear for himself.

'please tell them that i love them'. that was apparently all you tried to say. sukuna is made to sign some documents on your passing, and shortly after, they give him some time to spend with your lifeless body. he is then sent home.

he arrives to see some mail that had been slipped in through the front door. notifications of fines, for crossing red lights multiple times and going against speed limits. nothing but a reminder of his failure.

he tears the letters into pieces, and sits himself down on a chair, where he hangs his head in silence, without bothering to turn the lights on in the house.

and all of a sudden, he becomes so very busy, in the following weeks.

caring for his daughter alone. preparing for your funeral. accepting your death.

grief is such a strange, and horrible experience. all this love he has for you. where is it supposed to go now?

the night after your funeral, he's sitting alone at the dining table once again. he can't stand the bedroom. not when it's become only his now, and no longer yours as well. sukuna hasn't slept well in a while.

small footsteps resound against the floorboards, and he looks up to see his daughter standing meekly a distance away from him.

"what's wrong? had a bad dream?" he asks, with the most gentle voice he can muster in his current condition.

"...no. i just had a dream about mommy," she confesses tearfully.

"why can't she just come back? i miss her."

too young to understand the concept of death.

"oh, sweetheart... i miss her too."

she begins to cry, and he gets up to comfort her, as if the one needing the most comfort right now isn't himself.

they huddle and sleep together that night, in attempts to replicate your warmth. the warmth of a mother. and the warmth of a wife.

-

since then, a part of sukuna seemed to change back into his older self, where he cared less for others and remained disinterested in most things that life offered him. he decided not to care about anything or anyone, other than himself and of course, his darling daughter. your gift to him. the only thing keeping him grounded.

he never finds a new lover, nor does he harbour any desires to seek for one, despite the encouragement from others.

you keep appearing in his dreams every now and then. every night before bed, he hopes to see you again, and is disappointed in the mornings where he wakes up with the realisation that it didn't happen.

years and years pass, and while he ages like fine wine, so does his little girl, who becomes not so little anymore. they still share the best bond that a father and daughter could ever have.

but eventually, she finds her own path in life and leaves the house to pursue her own dreams, even getting married to start her own family.

though they still regularly contact each other, sukuna's abode becomes sorrowfully quiet without her presence around. though he's proud as a father, this solitude only deepens his longing for you, like the sensation of slowly sinking towards the bottom of the ocean floor.

good things never last.

though, it's not until a few more years later, that he passes away rather peacefully of old age.

his soul feels light and airy. he feels calm, despite being aware that he's passed on into the afterlife. the bodily discomforts of aging is non-existent in this place.

he's walking towards the bright light, where he assumes he's supposed to go, and realises that there's a figure standing towards the end of it. sukuna already knows who it is, and his walking begins to speed up.

and with each step, his time rewinds.

"look at you. still all pretty and pristine, unlike me with my abhorrent wrinkles," sukuna comments with a chuckle in his voice.

"what are you talking about? you're still as handsome as ever."

as you grab his hand, your touch shifts his appearance... and sukuna reverts back to the time when he glimmered the most vibrantly - the days before you died, the days of his brilliant twenties. he stares at his own hand, where the creases in his skin have disappeared completely.

rejoicing, he pulls you in for a tight embrace, as he can now feel your body against his.

"you did so well. our little girl grew up so beautifully," you tell him with your sweet voice, hands placed against his broad back.

"of course. she's none other than our daughter, after all," he replies with confidence, as he presses his face against the locks of your hair, enjoying your familiar scent.

your bright smile turns to something more sorrowful, and you step back a bit to come face-to-face with him.

"and... you never found someone else. you never remarried."

"because I never intended to look for another. You were the first and last," sukuna tells you matter-of-factly.

"wasn't it lonely?"

"...terribly. but you're here now, so it was worth enduring after all."

you laugh, and it sounds exactly the same as it did all those years before. the memories he had of you, the ones that he held onto so tightly as to not forget, until his very last breath.

"that makes me selfishly happy. i shouldn't be, for your sake, but I am."

"then why don't you give me a kiss? for all my hard effort."

he leans in, like how he'd always done whenever you appeared in his dreams at night.

except this time, your lips actually reach his, instead of disappearing away, like a fleeting memory.

good things may never last for long, but misfortune certainly doesn't last forever, either.

-fin-

Masterlist

[sozzledjuja]

Mephisto & Praxina - A Relationship Analysis

Because part of me wishes that the twins' dynamic had been more explored in the show, while Mephisto was still "alive".

There are honestly so many scenes, especially in season 2, where you could feel the main underlying issues between them, but they were never actually adressed or explored.

Also, feel free to add your own thoughts, maybe stuff that I missed, or things you disagree with as well.

Let's start with this scene, from Cute As A Doll, which I'm surprised not more people are talking about:

So, Praxina gets hurt by Auriana's blast, and Mephisto immediately stops his chase for Iris to teleport next to his sister, to make sure she's alright.

Aaaaanddd- she yells at him for caring/worrying, telling him to just go after Iris.

LOOK AT HIS FACE BRO. Homeboy was truly worried, but then immediately gets back in the game.

It's easy to just look at the dismissive and "careless" way in which Praxina treats Mephisto most of the time, and rule her off as "heartless". However, this sentiment seems to also be present when HE tries to "connect" or worries about her.

We see this again in Forget You:

She sees attachments and emotions as a sign of weakness and vulnerability, and clearly doesn't allow herself to feel it and lashes out whenever her brother does.

This refusal to accept love and affection is usually born out of an inherent lack of trust in people. It comes from a place of fear. She seems to prefer to remain impartial and formal as much as possible, regardless of how much her brother (or anyone else, for the matter) wishes to get close to her.

When it comes to other people, I believe she simply doesn't trust that the gestures of affection are real/genuine.

Good!Praxina, in Forget You I believe, was less of a "possibly redeemed" Praxina and more of a "blank page" Praxina, as in, what she would've been like had none of the Gramorr or the other bad stuff happened.

Still, let's not forget that Good!Praxina still clearly had some concerning instincts, so some of her less pleasant characteristics like her destructive behavior, lack of empathy, difficulty accepting affection and praise, and connecting with people, were probably already there since the beggining.

Iris said it herself:

Remember, Good!Praxina still didn't like the idea of helping people when the girls first tried to teach her how to be a good person; Only AFTER being exposed to good influences did she actually begin to redirect her energy torwards "good" goals, and I think this proves that, in a different, more positive enviromnent, she would've definetly turned out differently.

But, alas- she didn't, so here I am, writing this big ass psychological assessment. Which is mostly her fault.

Also Mephisto clearly has some issues of his own when it comes to how his sister treats him (which, let's be honest, while I wouldn't call it abusive, she definetly isn't an easy person to care about).

Also the fact that she seems to think he's incapable of doing anything right definetly bothers him more than he lets on.

It's easy to laugh these moments off but there's definetly something much deeper going on.

Again

And again

And again. and this one was fucked up

And in many other times.

Oh- and the fact that she always blames him for everything. Which is another one of Praxina's biggest flaws: an inability to admit fault or take any sort of accountibility. Aaand shifting the blame.

Which he knows, and this is clearly something that he takes and takes, until he snaps.

This moment in If You Can't Beat Them was also really telling on how he actually feels about how his sister never actually shows any appreciation for his contributions, and seems to think he's weaker and less capable of reason as she is.

I genuinely do not know what goes through Praxina's brain to make her do this. I don't know wether she actually genuinely believes he's stupid and fucks everything up or not.

And Gramorr, although he doesn't outright show much preference for Praxina in spite of Mephisto, seems to share the sentiment, given that he appears to be slightly less patient/harsher towards him than his sister.

What I can say is that Praxina definetly believes that he is the weakest link between them (which might seem like it's true at first glance, but I wouldn't be so sure as to state it), which, given the previous statement, might also be a result of Gramorr himself thinking/saying it, since they've probably been training under his wing for quite a long time, which would make her (and Mephisto) easily influenced by his opinion, as an authority figure.

And he might pretend it doesn't effect him, but we all know that deep down it does, and that he's kinda insecure despite all his bravado.

I think Mephisto's always been more sensitive and more "emotionally-inclined" than his sister, even before Gramorr. I believe that both twins have the potential to be good, but Mephisto is definetly more "hardwired" for it than Praxina.

And we already know what she thinks about that: emotion=weakness.

And part of her wants to keep reminding him she's better too. The girl's got a big ego to stroke.

Mephisto also seems to have more morals than his sister.

We can see that throughout the show he's helped the princesses sometimes: Iris, with whom he teamed up with to save his sister in If You Can't Beat Them, in which he even told her he'd be honored to serve her as queen of Ephidea, had circunstances been different, which I truly believe he meant;

And Carissa, in Statue Game, who he ALSO teamed up with to save his sister, and who, let's not forget, he gave the other evil amulet back to, so that the princesses could reverse the spell that turned that human girl into stone.

And when Gramorr got the last gem, Mephisto seemed to actually be horrified by what was happenning.

He clearly wasn't totally fine with enslaving the entire planet.

Praxina, on the other hand, seemed pretty okay with it.

Ecstatic even.

She's relishing in what's happening, that's what she wants. To bend other to her will, to be feared rather than loved, to have power over others.

Maybe not what she needs, but what she WANTS.

Mephisto realizing that is GOLD from a storytelling prespective.

I feel like he looked at her in hopes she'd be as concerned as he was, that they were on the same page about the situation, only to find her- well, laughing. I joked about this being his "oh shit, these people are actually evil" moment, but I think part of him was only surprised with Praxina. Maybe he hadn't realized just how far this "lifestyle" had actually shaped his sister.

We know for sure that Mephisto has higher levels of empathy than Praxina. And common sense. This is why I always disagree when people say that Praxina is smarter than Mephisto. She might be more "logical" and "rational", but neither of those things equate to cleverness. Mephisto seems to be more astute and more intuitive.

Him starting to realize Gramorr was probably not gonna give them shit is a great example of this.

Which Praxina did NOT even think about. She was on a high, thinking about all the power they were gonna have now that Gramorr was free and back in action. Miss girl, you are delusional.

Honestly Praxina's fatal flaws deserve their own separate post.

Because let's be clear: I'm trying to debunk all of the twin's relationship issues, and everytime, it's clear who's actually responsible for everything going badly in the emotional realm.

I love her but she IS the problem. Not saying Mephisto is a poor innocent baby who never did anything wrong his whole life (I'm looking at you, lolirock fandom). He definetly has a lot of flaws and bad traits himself, but he's not the one to blame for anything regarding his and his sister's relationship.

To conclude,

THIS is normal sibling behaviour.

All the rest I showed above this SHOULD. NOT. BE.

This is not me saying they have a bad relationship, but I am saying that they don't have a fantastic one either.

Also, I blame dark magic too. The Team has confirmed it makes them more irritable, so there's that too.

They really care about each other, and I don't doubt that BOTH of them would do anything to keep the other safe. But they got lots of unspoken stuff to talk about.

And are both in desperate need of therapy

[spectersgirl]

if ur taking requests!! harvey and reader getting into a heated argument and harvey being his usual self takes it too far by saying something he didn’t mean and it ends up real angsty but then they make up somehow cuz i don’t like sad endings lol

if ur not don’t worry abt it :)

I'm always taking requests! I may not do them but I'm always taking them 🤪

Regret

Harvey Specter x Reader

--------

The New York skyline really was beautiful, and maybe you could've appreciated it if you were standing in Harvey's office under different circumstances.

The air crackled with tension as you and Harvey fought, the biggest fight you'd had in your entire relationship.

"You can't just bulldoze your way through everything, Harvey!" your voice cut through the silence, blazing with frustration. "One day you'll realize you need to listen to others instead of assuming you have all the answers, and it'll be too late."

Harvey's features hardened, his gaze unwavering as he spoke coldly. "And sometimes, you need to understand that this is how it works. I've been doing this a hell of a lot longer than you have. You don't get to lecture me on how to handle my cases, if I wanted your opinion I would've asked."

The words, sharper than intended, hung heavy in the air leaving a bitter taste in both your and Harvey's mouths. You tried your best to hide it, but he saw the flicker of hurt that flashed across your face, a mix of betrayal and anguish clouding your expression.

"You know what, Harvey? Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't bother trying to help if you're just going to throw it back in my face," you replied, your voice trembling ever so slightly with restrained emotion.

For a moment, regret crossed Harvey's eyes, but his pride took over once more, replacing the regret with a coldness. "Fine. Maybe it's better this way."

The harshness in his words reverberated, a feeling of finality rippling through the room. You hated this, but there was nothing left for you to say. You stormed out, leaving him with nothing but the click of your heels on the tile floor. The door sealing shut made Harvey sigh, immediate regret over his words hitting him like a wave.

The hours that followed were agonizingly slow, each minute dragging on as Harvey remained seated at his desk, getting nothing done as the weight of his own words bore down on him. His usual confidence faltered as he replayed every word of the argument in his mind, grappling with the realization that his pride had cost him the most important thing he'd ever known. He swirled a glass of whiskey he'd poured absentmindedly.

It wasn't until a soft, hesitant knock broke the silence in his office that Harvey stirred from his thoughts. you stood at the threshold, your shoulders tense and eyes glistening with tears. He saw every emotion you felt plain as day on your face, and his heart lurched.

"Y/N, I didn't mean what I said," Harvey began, but you raised a hand, interrupting him.

"I know you didn't. And neither did I," you admitted, your voice cracking with vulnerability.

A fragile silence loomed, a moment of uncertain energy between you, before Harvey closed the distance, wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug. "I'm sorry," he murmured, his voice laced with genuine remorse. "I'm so, so sorry."

You nodded, hugging him back and resting your head on his chest, the tension evaporating as you both relaxed for the first time that day. "I am too."

Harvey gently pulled away, cupping your face with a tenderness that said everything he didn't know how to. "We make a good team, you and I. I can't lose that."

A small smile formed on your lips, unable to hide the fact that you shared the sentiment. "Me either, Harvey."

With this admission, he gently leaned down to kiss your lips, a longing present there as you kissed back.

[atthebell]

practical advice about college you say?

[the weird spaces between some paragraphs are because i hit the character limit on content blocks which i didnt really know existed until now, fascinating!]

Don't buy too much shit. There will be a lot of things that people tell you are useful— buy things that seem like necessities, then figure out what you need from there. My grandma tried to buy me all kinds of crap and some of it was utterly useless, whereas other random stuff was super helpful (like towels, you should own at LEAST two towels, more if you reallyyyyy don’t want to do laundry).

Decor and things to make your dorm room (if applicable, also relevant for apartments etc.) feel more lived in are excluded from the above; if you want to have a million pieces of art on your walls, absolutely go for it. In fact, other people will think you're cool and want to hang out with you, I'm not even joking. Maybe invest in a bean bag, those are also a good seating thing for small rooms. I had a regular bean bag and then a giant one and it was a great way to have fun seating in my room (I hosted a lot of hangouts/let people just chill in my room a lot, so your personal mileage may vary).

Go find free food. There is more free food than you could even imagine on college campuses, go find it and don't be afraid to bundle some up in a napkin or some Tupperware and take it home. This is genuinely grad student 101 (grad students often don't have meal plans like undergrads) but is very relevant to all elements of college. I was notorious amongst friends and acquaintances for going to all kinds of events and bringing food home, and it was awesome. I could swipe some bagels from a student org social and the next morning I wouldn't have to worry about waking up early enough to grab breakfast from the dining hall or, heaven forbid, cooking.

Along similar lines, keep a decent amount of snacks/food in your room. Do you love trader Joe's chocolate covered almonds? Goldfish? Wasabi peas? Keep a stash in your room at all times. Future you will thank past you, especially when you're feeling down or studying or both. If you have a mini fridge or anything like that, keep a few cold things in there, like Gatorade or energy drinks for late nights or even cream cheese for the previously mentioned free bagels.

Join some student orgs! I assure you that while I have always been an over involved maniac of a human being, I am not anything even close to a social butterfly. You don't have to be, but having a few connections, especially with people in similar circumstances to you (first in your family to go to college, low income, women in stem, queer, latine, whatever your background and/or situation may be). You might not meet people you click perfectly with, but you'll at least be able to connect with people who get your experiences on some level. I truly do not know what I would've done without my college’s first gen/low income program or the Jewish community I found going to various events.

Professors are way more chill than you think. I say this as someone who asked for extensions every single semester/quarter of university i was in and again went to several incredibly prestigious colleges. Many professors are way less hardass than you may think, and some are the kind of people who will invite you over for shabbes dinner and become incredibly important mentor figures for you. The latter are harder to find, but there are plenty of extremely cool professors and TFs and lecturers who are always down to talk about course content or any number of topics. Everyone always says this but go to office hours! It really helps and it's just a great way to connect better with people passionate about the same things you are.

Grades are stupid and bad. This is not specific to college; the focus on grades in all levels of education is ridiculous and counterproductive to learning. This is important for you to know and remember, even when grades DO matter; for transcripts, for grad school, for getting jobs and scholarships and other opportunities. Trust me, I understand that grades matter, but I want you to know that they shouldn't, and you aren't stupid or worthless if you struggle with academics, or if you feel like your grades don't reflect your effort. Grades are a way to standardize (retch) measurement of learning, but they don't show the full or accurate picture. You are so much more than your grades or where or what you're studying.

Take fun classes! I know a lot of STEM majors make it incredibly difficult to dip out of course tracks, but if you can, try to take some fun and diverse classes. Take a gender studies class, take a theater class, learn photography, take a wacky science class, take a language course (this one I want to specifically highlight!!!! learn a new language while you're in a setting that's way easier (for many people) to learn one in!), find a beloved professor from another field and dip your toes in. I took all kinds of wild classes (religious studies is not a major where they fill up your schedule with required classes, at least not at my university) and had a blast, and it's good to have some familiarity with different fields and possibly how they connect with your own. Also it's just fun! You can meet new people and learn a lot from studying something you haven't before.

Be very nice to your custodial staff but know that they are probably deeply underpaid and understaffed. And get to know your housing staff too so you know more about who to call in certain situations. Also get a tool set so you can fix minor stuff yourself.

Don't be afraid to party, but also don't feel pressured. I spent most of my college years in a group of friends who played board games every week instead of drinking, and I personally did not drink until I was 21 for various personal reasons. If people make fun of you, don't hang out with those people. If they pressure you, stay the fuck away. If people are judgy about your drinking/partying/hookup choices? They can go fuck themselves. Find people who respect your decisions, either way, no matter what they are, and anyone else can fuck off.

I didn't really date or hook up in college but I did get hit on by a lot of beautiful bisexual women. If a very hot girl that you want to hang out with in a sexual or romantic context asks you to teach her to play pool, just say yes. Do not shoot yourself in the foot. If someone sets you up on a date with a friend of theirs and you guys vibe better as friends, never let this person go. I'm joking but that's how I met my best friend who I adore perhaps more than anyone else in this world so you never know what the universe will hand you.

Get more sleep. Whatever amount of sleep you're getting, try to sleep more. Sometimes homework or frat parties or boyfriends matter a lot less than just getting a few more hours of sleep, and you will retain information better and feel less like shit. Please get more sleep and maybe drink less caffeine.

Befriend some grad students! I'm completely unbiased (<3) but grad students have a lot of insight about college and life as a young adult, and they're often very cool. They might invite you over to smoke weed and talk about Kant— I cannot stress enough that you never have to do something you don't want, but say yes to this if it's at all appealing. Definitely not another personal anecdote.

Connect with your first gen/low income and/or financial aid office(s). They will have incredibly helpful info, including about getting jobs or scholarships or even just the experience of being low income at college. Also, if you're attending a California Community College, apply for the CCPG (previously known as the BOGW)! It waives all enrollment and tuition fees if you meet eligibility and qualification requirements. I would add more resources but I am a Californian so that's what I have at the moment.

Kind of related, if you're leaving university right now with student loans and you're low income, apply for the SAVE plan to make smaller (or no) payments and less (or no) interest. It's been saving my ass for a while now and it could be helpful for you.

Drink more water. If you need it cold, get a brita pitcher thing and put it in your minifridge if you have one. If not, ice from the dining hall + a decently insulated water bottle. You should be drinking on average 8oz every two hours, or every one hour when it's really hot.

Have a craft or a hobby or a video game or a show or a book or a movie or something that you can do like. At least once a week as Chill Time. Personally I would have some Chill Time at least once a day, but if you are busy to the max, Chill Time once a week is mandatory. Doesn’t have to be the same time every time, but if it is, clear your schedule. That is the only thing happening then. No one gets to interrupt Chill Time. Not to be confused with hanging out with friends, which is still a good activity you should do many times a week. This is Chill Alone Time, where you just sit with yourself and do something you like to do alone. Get a coloring book, learn how to cross stitch, read a book on native birds, whatever suits your fancy.

If you are anything like the hot mess express that I was, you will go to class in pajamas/sweats. This is fine. There are probably some people out there who care about this, but you should ignore them. Similarly, if you, for instance, wake up at 1pm for your 1:30pm class, feel only the amount of shame necessary to make you able to be on time to class (if the prof cares) and nothing more. I stayed up til 4:30am every single night my freshman year of college it is a miracle I was ever awake during the day and the fact that I managed to do my coursework and still have a social life continues to be a mystery to me today. Anyway, your fashion choices in college but especially your first year should never be judged to any significant standard. If you’re wearing clothes at all, that’s commendable.

If you’re on a biking campus, wear a helmet. This is not optional, wear a fucking helmet. Also for the love of fuck have a bike light and use it at night you do not want to be smushed by a car at 3am biking back from wherever you’ve been.

If you do not know how to do laundry, ask someone. Please do not just go into the laundry room with full confidence and dump 16 loads worth of detergent into a washing machine and fuck it up for everyone. Also not a single dorm dryer will ever work correctly. Know this, and invest in a drying rack or be content to fry the shit out of your clothes at 90 minutes of high heat.

Communicate with your roommate(s). You do not have to be friends, you don’t even have to like each other, but you should be on the same page about stuff. Especially re: sexiling, taking the trash out, volume levels, friends over, etc. etc. You don’t want to get to the end of the year and then realize your roommate fucking hates you because you never asked if she was cool with whatever thing you’ve been doing that’s been annoying her.

This is just general young adult life advice but: You will fuck up. Like, probably more than you think. But you will be okay, and you should know that everyone does that. You’re learning how to do stuff on your own, you’re possibly leaving a bad situation or even a great situation into something you don’t know enough about to possibly be prepared. It’s hard! It’s going to be hard for a bit! But you are not the only person who’s done this, and there are a lot of people out there you can talk to and find support from. The worst thing you could possibly do is isolate yourself, so please don’t do that. Find some good people, eat some good food, and for the love of fuck get more sleep.

[stevethehairington]

okay so. overall review:

actually not as bad as i expected it to be! and not as bad as i thought it was going to turn out while i was in the trenches there lol. i still wished it focused a little more on eddie's home life/relationship with his dad and uncle AND his friends, and had way less of the romance stuff (read: none), BUT i will admit that there ended up being a lot less of the romance stuff than i initially expected and a lot less than it seemed like there would be while still in the middle of the book.

the paige stuff still made me uncomfy bc i didn't like the power dynamics there (paige had something eddie wanted desperately, and i don't like the idea that that could have had something to do with his "feelings" for her/why he engaged with them ((esp bc let's be real — he didn't seem super torn up over not getting to be with her in the end)) or that she used that to her advantage bc there was ALSO something in it for her) BUT i will say they did make it slightly less skeezy than i expected bc she was only a couple years older than him instead of like. significantly older like i expected.

i do wish there was more about eddie's friends and their fallout and reconciliation. his friends were super important to him and he just. dropped them. like that. and there was BARELY any blowback. like yeah there was a fight with ronnie, but we never actually got to see the reactions of any of the other hellfire/corroded coffin guys, and i would've liked to see that. same with the reconciliation, it felt very minimal — i would've liked to see more of how that played out too.

I LOVED EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN SECOND OF WAYNE MUNSON CONTENT, THAT MAN IS A GIFT HE IS AN ANGEL I ADORE HIM WITH EVERYTHING IN ME. IF THERE IS ONE THING THIS BOOK HAS DONE IT HAS SOLIDIFIED MY STANCE THAT WAYNE MUNSON IS THE BEST GOD DAMN CHARACTER AND I WOULD DIE FOR HIM.

as for eddie — i think the author did an alright job finding his voice. there were times where i thought she really nailed it, but there were also A LOT of times where i thought "he would never say that!!" "he would never do that!!". it wasn't very consistent, but overall it wasn't awful and there were some good parts!

the other characters we know and love that made cameos — VERY fun to see them (gareth, chrissy, jason, hopper, will, jonathan!!!) gareth was ESPECIALLY fun to see because they really embraced that feral chihuahua boy energy we love to assign to him. BUT. i am SO incredibly upset with how badly they massacred my boy tommy h (whOSE LAST NAME THEY COULDNT EVEN GET RIGHT I MEAN W H A T!?) they fucking. got his characterization SO BAD. it was awful. i am. personally offended by it (joking, mostly rhsjsi). (as a tommy lover i am. devastated tho. HE WOULD NOT DO THAT!!!)

OH ALSO — reefer rick. WHAT a fun dude. hes out here in his robe and bunny slippers drinking darjeeling tea, living it up. what a guy.

id like to give a huge FUCK YOU to principal higgins too! they made that dude a straight up MONSTER. he was unnecessarily CRUEL and some of the things he said straight up to eddies face,,,,,,, sir what the FUCK. i know the 80s was a different time but jesus fucking cHRIST was casual cruelty and bullying from grown ass ADULTS commonplace? i sure hope not.

ALSO FUCK AL MUNSON LIVES ALL MY HOMIES HATE AL MUNSON LIVES. that man was AWFUL, TRULY HONESTLY GENUINELY THE WORST. neglectful and cruel and downright AWFUL. NOT ONLY DID HE CONSISTENTLY ABANDON EDDIE THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE BUT THEN HE DREW EDDIE INTO HIS SCHEMES, CONNED HIM, FUCKED UP REAL BIG, AND THEN LEFT EDDIE IN THE ASHES OF THEIR — OF HIS — HOME AS THE ONLY PERSON LEFT WITH THE COP WHO GOT SHOT AND IS LIKE SLOWLY BLEEDING OUT. TALK ABOUT FUCKING TRAUMA WHAT THE FUCK. i hope he got flayed ALIVE by charlie greene lmao it would serve him right that absolute twat waffle.

also, im gonna be real. the end of that book was actually INSANELY depressing. like, it tried to be positive because you gotta end on a positive note right? but it just fell. COMPLETELY flat. bc we all know what happens to eddie in canon. he's sitting there reenrolling in school, peacoking around about how he's GOING to finish high school and he's GOING to graduate and he's GOING to show principal higgins that he CAN do it and that he ISNT the fuckup deliquent he's convinced he is. BUT WE ALL KNOW HE DOESNT FUCKING GET THAT IN CANON. he's taking waynes advice and fully embracing who he is and he's learning to be comfortable in his own skin and to rise above all the noise of people who don't like him and think he's a freak. ONLY WE KNOW HE NEVER TRULY GETS TO DO THAT EITHER BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW IT ENDS IN CANON. so yeah it just ends up being a REALLY fucking BLEAK ending because all of that "positivity" is absolutely tainted. it's fucking soured. and i am once again INSANELY INFURIATED about eddies death. so fuck the duffers, again.

also, eddie munson literally never caught a fucking break. not one fucking break. his ENTIRE life was just one series of tragedies after the other and it truly just continued on that way until he fucking died. honestly, its a goddamn MIRACLE that he has ANY ounce of positivity and optimism and hope left in his life when we get to him in s4. thatd how utter dogshit a hand he has been dealt in life. and it only.got worse from there. and i will NEVER forgive ANYONE involved in his creation for that.

so yeah! that concludes my journey reading flight of icarus. it was a wild ride lol.

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok obviously because i am myself i have to journal through some Big Feelings!!!!

here are some of my feelings:

i feel an immense sense of relief. i have been in so much pain for so long with no solutions and no clear endpoint. i feel like i've been slowly losing my mind for weeks. it is just not good for your brain to experience that much pain or to feel that much raw despair every night for so long. i can have my baby and then i can have the surgeries and then i can get PT and then i can recover normal motor functions and not be in excruciating agony. i feel like i've been so deep in the despair pit that i've started losing sight of the fact that i'm genuinely excited to have a baby. i've started losing sight of the fact that there's going to be a baby, period. it's felt like this would just last forever and ever and ever. but it won't. it might last another month or two but from sunday onwards i will be moving in the direction of less pain.

i feel an immense sense of guilt. i know i should wait until 39-40 weeks for his health/well-being but also i know many people who were induced early and their babies are fine. i was born at 38 weeks and he'll be born at 37.5 weeks and i have had no lasting health issues. and they will keep a close eye on him and we will be able to manage anything that happens. i am trying not to let myself be swallowed up by the fear that i am being hugely selfish by prioritizing an end to my own pain over his well-being. i love him so much and i want him to be healthy but i also have to trust that my health and well-being matters and is important to his health and well-being. like i guess start as you mean to go on, you know, and i want to try to be a parent who can make decisions that take care of my kid but also honor my own needs.

i feel frustrated. as my sister pointed out if people had felt a greater sense of urgency about the pain earlier i probably could have gotten to "clear evidence of nerve damage" sooner and then had time to prepare for an early term induction instead of making it feel so rushed. also maybe i wouldn't have done so much damage to my hands in the meantime. i mean maybe everything would've played out exactly the same way and that's fine but it is still a little frustrating to tell people that you are in the worst pain you've ever experienced and to have them be like aw i'm sorry but that seems normal. but it's fine! it's fine.

i feel kind of proud of myself. one of my goals for pregnancy esp after the pregnancy loss over the summer was to get better at medical self-advocacy. i tend to be really cowed by doctors and to downplay symptoms or to assume that if i am a bit more forceful in asking for things i'll be labeled a difficult patient. but i think over the last couple months i have done a good job of nicely but firmly being like, this is not normal. this is not normal. this is not normal. i know you are saying this is normal but this is not and cannot be normal. and i feel like saying that repeatedly and showing up to the ED and calling all the time finally made people be like hm maybe this isn't normal, and then i was able to get objective confirmation that my hands were sooo fucked up, and now things are happening that are moving me towards a future without this pain.

i feel stressed about work but also in some ways i've moved so far beyond that i don't feel that stressed. like i just don't have time to care about my boss yelling at me or being passive-aggressive towards me for leaving early. i'm about to do something that is so, so, so, so, SO immensely more important and meaningful and life-affirming than like, figuring out who's going to cover tabling events or run an application workshop in the fall. like come on. i am not going to expend a single ounce of energy on that in this last week. i will wrap up everything to the very best of my ability and then i will leave it. nothing is life or death in this job, and i have done a good job already of preparing my team for the transition.

i feel panicky!!!!!! i'm going to have a baby in less than a week. i thought i had more time although like what was i even going to do with that time given the fact that i can barely perform household chores or type for more than 30 min at a time or sleep. i feel panicky just because it feels so sudden, but also like, i have everything i need to bring him home, and i've read all the books and done all the pre-baby prep work and i've spent nine months getting ready for this moment. i have a bunch of chores and errands i want to take care of before sunday, but then i want to really dedicate saturday to reflection and journaling and taking long walks and just like, experiencing the last day of being just me.

i feel grief!!!! a whole part of my life - the part where i'm not a parent - is ending. i wish i had more time to honor that transition and to reflect on what it meant. i will definitely carve out time this week to do that and will try to not fritter away the next five days with errands... i think it's much more important to spend time getting myself emotionally ready.

this is a little dumb but i must voice it aloud: i feel weirdly sad about ending the part of my life where my dogs were my most important companions & beloved creatures. i know they will continue to be my beloved creatures! my best little guy and my sweet scruffy little girl! but the time when we were just a little family unit of three is ending and everything will be different now even if it will also be better and richer in a whole host of ways. i have already done a lot of crying and forcibly snuggling a disgruntled Pip and i anticipate there is a lot more of that in my future this week lol. but we will take lots of good long walks and i'll snuggle them so much and i will just trust that it might take a little time for us to settle back into our new normal but we'll get there.

i feel grief, too, at the thought of not being pregnant anymore. in some ways i'm SO ready... my whole body just feels so heavy and so uncomfortable and so swollen, and of course, as you might have heard, my hands hurt so much i think about cutting my fingers off at least once a night. but for the most part, up until this last stretch of pain, i've really, really loved being pregnant. i love feeling him kick and stretch and roll over inside of me. i love rubbing the outside of my stomach and feeling him press against the inside in response, like we're talking to each other, like we're making contact. my baby!! my little guy i've carried inside of me for nine months. i did expect to have more time to savor the end of pregnancy and to honor the experience (even the painful parts) in ways that felt meaningful to me. i feel real grief about not being sure if i'll ever get to do this again! and i wish, idk, i wish i could've paced myself through the end of it differently and had time away from the distractions of work to really have this experience of being in my very pregnant body, connected to my baby in a way I'll never be again, in a way that has felt really deeply meaningful to me. i'll do my best to make that time this week, and i know it's ok, i know that the next chapter will be so good too, but i can grieve not getting to have the ending to pregnancy i wanted.

i feel ready to be changed forever. the rush at the end is not what i wanted for myself, just in terms of getting my head on straight before he arrived, but on some deeper level i've been ready for this for so long, and i'm so, so ready. i want to meet my baby. i can't believe he's going to be my kid for the rest of my life. i can't believe how lucky i am that i got to choose this for myself and that i get to live the life i wanted. i'm so ready. i'm so ready. i can't wait to meet my kid and i can't wait to meet my new self on the other side of this big, big, big, forever-life-altering change.

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

hii! i hope you're doing well !!! i wanted to request prompt 21 mixed with prompt 13 with jake, if that's possible? seems hilarious and cute, and i am missing summer like crazy 🌅

omgggg ofc!!!! darling I miss summer so fucking much I can't even put it into words. my favourite season BY FAR

only warning I can think of is some adult language ig? that's it, if I had to rate it like pg12 or smth

(he is so fucking adorable. the need to squish his cheeks is OVERWHELMING)

You were still dripping with seawater when you clambered up to the towels you'd laid out on the beach barely an hour earlier, dramatically flipping down on one, not caring that your hair probably landed in the sand.

Jake looked up at you with raised eyebrows, sunglasses having begun to slip off his nose, closing the book in his hands and holding it a safe distance away from you. You just rolled your eyes and threw a hand over your face to shield yourself from the sun.

"I feel like I just snorted a bag of salt", you complained, swallowing hard to try once more to get the taste off of your tongue. Unsurprisingly, that still didn't work. It hadn't the first thirty times you'd attempted it and it wouldn't now.

"You look like it too", Jake chuckled and you gasped, raising your arm again and propping yourself up on one elbow to slap his shoulder.

"Bastard", you muttered more to yourself as his lips tugged into a grin. He pushed the sunglasses back up on his nose and reached over to your bag to hand you yours and despite still being offended, you grumbled out a thank you and hooked them behind your ears.

"Had fun out there?", he asked, genuinely interested, like he'd not watched you and waved at you laughing in the waves. You poked at his back.

"Would've been more fun if you'd gone in with me", you pouted.

"Baby", he drawled, almost in exasperation as he tossed his book away and rolled around, pulling you on top of him in one smooth movement. "It's not my fault you wanted to take a nap first and decided to get in just when I was dry again."

You only huffed and buried your face in his chest - bare and sweaty and wet from your hair - not even deigning to give him an answer. He could've waited for you to wake up but no, he hadn't had his morning run and had been buzzing with restless energy the entire drive here already.

Jake didn't complain - only buried a hand in your hair and started brushing lazy circles over the bare skin of your back. You let out a breath.

This was nice.

Having your boyfriend all to yourself for a day, the sun warming your skin, the waves crashing on the shore, the only other people around some navy officers that kept quiet and were far enough away to barely be noticeable. God, sometimes it paid out really well that Jake was in the navy.

Other times.... not really.

But lord, you were not about to complain right now. Not when you were so warm and so very comfortable in his arms, not with the sand and the sun and the sky, not with the sound of his breath and the soft heaving of his chest.

You only realised that you'd been dozing off when he lightly nudged your side. You shifted in confusion and he groaned - not a pleasant groan or even a sleepy one, more like he was in pain. You moved some more and he groaned again.

"Please", he panted, "Your knee-"

Immediately your eyes widened and you rolled off of him, watching as he winced and held his hand to his crotch, curling up into a little ball of agony. You were biting your lip, reaching out to brush his hair from his face.

"Sorry", you whined - and you truly were. You hadn't realised that your knee had basically been digging into his dick. You'd been sleeping, for god's sake. "I'm so sorry, Jake, oh god- Are you okay?"

"Yeah", he breathed after minute. "Yeah, good again."

Both of you knew that you certainly hadn't done it intentionally (even though that wouldn't have been the first time, but that's a story for another day) but still you were feeling pretty guilty about the whole thing. So to try and make it up to him, you leaned in and pressed your lips to the shell of his ear.

"I'm sorry, Jakey. Like, really really sorry", you whispered, trailing kisses down his jaw, stopping just before you reached his lips. If there was anything that got Jake Seresin to shut up very quickly - in any and all situations - it was a kiss from you. Or multiple.

His demeanor changed instantly, almost as if in reflex.

"Oh yeah?", he asked, burying a hand in your hair and tugging you back to look him in the eyes. You were fluttering your lashes very obviously at him. "How sorry?"

"Very", you confirmed, flashing him a grin and pulling him into an actual kiss then, flinging your arms around his neck and dragging him down - on top of you, this time, so you wouldn't accidentally hurt him again.

[moonlitlex]

on one hand i'm very happy for the queer teens who have a cute fluffy romance show because i didn't as a kid but also something about heartstopper is just... off?

for the record i read and enjoyed the webcomic and i enjoyed s1 too but this season really just felt like it was a checklist of things that they need the characters to do.

like. honestly most of these ppl don't have any chemistry but they still get paired up anyway. SO many people get paired up that it kind of seems like everyone in the writers room was going ok fuck what do we do with this character. who do we pair them up with.

isaac doesnt and he's aro/ace and like that's great and all but like. don't you think it's kinda fucked up that literally the ONLY person in the main cast who isn't already in a relationship or an extremely homoerotic friendship is. the aro guy. like yeah aro rep but in the show about teens you'd think they'd show a teenager just being single and not being a bitter mess like ben or something.... why can't someone just be single??? why does everyone have to pair off?? they're kids???

ik the teachers were together in the comic or whatever too but like jeez when they kissed i was like oh my god EVERYONE. like seriously everyone. isn't there a single person in this show who is single. can't the teachers at least date some unrelated 3rd party. this density of couples is just unrealistic at this point

i genuinely feel like no one here has a distinct personality. they're mostly queer and they've all got this nervous energy which is fine for some characters but that's like everyone that we're spending time with. they're all just nervous about stuff. i know they're in high school but it's just so.... bland idk. i literally had an anxiety disorder in hs and even i would've been telling these ppl to relax and please do something else that's not you being romantic or you being nervous.... there needs to be more to the characters

and like idk. it doesn't feel very gay. ik thats a nebulous criticism but its kinda like love simon like yeah it was cute and i did eat that shit up at the time but it feels like... very much like a non queer persons take on queerness.

edit: also want to add i am aware that alice oseman is aroace and therefore very much not a non queer person. i also think that queer people are very capable of writing extremely bland and boring characters with nothing to them but their sexuality

[johnslittlespoon]

okay a bit (a lot, tldr in tags) of rambling to gather my thoughts, but for the dog coded bucky fic <3 enjoyers i have tentatively decided:

i will finish chapter two so ik it's # serious lol, plan out the rest of the chapters so i make sure i don't need to change anything in the first two (bc i'm still not even sure how many chapters it'll be), and then, i think i will force myself to stop being a Coward and post ch1 🫠

but i DO want to warn you that i am a slow writer, i've said this before ik, but i haven't written a chaptered fic in about five years so i'm really not sure how my pacing will be, so i feel like it's fair to lyk in advance!

my ideal aim would be to get a chapter out once a week, but i'm gonna be so real, a more realistic goal is once every two–ish weeks because me + freshly–medicated adhd + writing is not conducive to productivity lmaoo :')) tbh i'd be happy if i even got one done a month but i'm hoping to be faster than that, i just also don't want to rush bc this fic is so close to my heart already, i don't want to put smth out where i feel like i let myself/readers down. <3

anyway. that's my yapping for the afternoon, very excited bc i made a lovely fellow fruit loop friend recently while in queue for a concert and we both accidentally found out the other wrote fanfic LOL u get close real quick when ur holding out for barricade all day 😭

but we have a writing day planned tmrw!! bc body doubling is a lifesaver. so i'm rly hopeful i'll get ch2/all my plotting done tmrw and if all goes well, ch1 can be posted this week <33 half of the reason for posting this is to hold myself accountable too bc i'll feel more pressure to work away at it so i don't have to eat my words lmfaoo

to the angels who have been following the (very slow) formation of this fic, genuinely thank u sm for being so patient with me and also for always keeping my spirits and motivation up chatting to me ab it, i don't think i would've ever actually ended up writing it otherwise so!! i am v thankful <33 it's 'just fic' but it's also a return to something i adore but haven't had the inspo or energy for in years so i'm very :'))

[jakey-beefed-it]

Went in for a checkup today and got basically all good news- they'll be able to re-issue all my prescriptions so I don't have to get just a month at a time anymore, my blood pressure is pretty good, and I've got a referral for my usual diabetic bloodwork.

Over the past couple years, from my peak weight, I've lost an entire shirt size, my face has gone from bright red and spherical to mostly even colored and ovoid, and I've got a lot more energy for things like walking short distances (like 2 km at the outside). So I really thought I would've lost a significant amount of weight.

But no. I've lost, maybe, 25-30 lbs, like 12 or 13 kg, when I needed to lose almost ten times that much to get down to 'healthy'. Reasoning it through, I've put on a lot of muscle specifically in my legs, having gone from totally sessile computer lump who rarely walks father than the distance to his car to mostly-sessile computer lump who lives on the 3rd floor and has to walk down to the grocery store a few times a week. And as every person who's ever worked out to lose weight has told themselves in a panic, 'muscle weighs more than fat'. Meaning it's more dense, presumably, to avoid whole the 'steel's heavier than feathers' Limmy thing.

So okay. I've gotten healthier, that's the main thing. My blood pressure is looking genuinely good, and while my blood sugar is probably too high still due to being addicted to coffee but unable to drink it without lots of creamer, on the whole, this is good news. I should be happy.

I am not happy.

I feel like a guy who's climbing a mountain through raw determination and teeth-grinding effort, thinking he's at least nearing the halfway mark, turning a bend to realize he's not even where people pitch their goddamn base camps. 'Sisyphean' springs to mind, though aside from putting some weight back on last year when I was back in the US for 6 months, I haven't actually lost much progress, at least. I've just made... so little progress compared to what I thought.

Part of the problem of course is that I'm too fat for regular scales; they're just not rated to deal with someone my size and report 'error' if I'm lucky and they don't just fuckin break. So I had no means of measuring my progress other than 'shirt fits better now' and 'can walk a few blocks without feeling like death now'. And then I got weighed properly for the first time in two years, and, oy vey.

It's not going to change anything, I'm still going to live on the third floor and need to walk around the neighborhood on a fairly regular basis, but man is it discouraging. And before anyone says it, yes, I know it's technically a significant amount of weight for a human to lose, and it's healthier to lose it more slowly over time than all in a rush, and I'm on the right track, but god. I thought I was doing better than this.

Anyhow that's why I'm in a funk tonight, how's by you kind folks?

[starpirateee]

Could you maybe write something Holloweane? They are my world 🤍

Of course I can, anon! I could've made this maybe the angstiest thing ever, because god only knows the two of them have potential for it,,, but let's save that for Holloweane week, shall we?

"Duke, good god, you need to rest."

Miss Holloway was starting to get the impression that Duke Keane didn't believe in sleep. He was the undisputed king of working himself to the bone, with the excuse that there was always something else to do, or someone else to help. He was in her diner for coffee every morning, and not only because he wanted a good chat with the famous Miss Retro... Because he'd come in groggy and lacking any of the energy he needed for the day, and she'd started insisting on giving him coffee to tide him over.

She was sure he'd forgotten about it, but there was one occasion she caught him sleeping in the backseat of his station wagon between hasty stacks of manila envelopes. After asking him about it, he'd admitted that he just crashed, and that was it for a good hour or more.

At the moment, he was sitting on one of the barstools at the corner of the counter, scribbling hurriedly into a case file and trying to update his notes on something that had clearly gotten his interest. She'd managed a glimpse at his notes, and they were just as haphazard as she would've come to expect from him. Clearly nobody else looked at these files, because his way of organising the notes and data within the file seemed to be... Unique to just him. If it wasn't, she'd be genuinely surprised.

He looked up at her, seemingly registering her presence for the first time, though she'd been standing there on the other side of the counter the whole time, for a lack of anything better to do. "I'm good, I'm on my way to finishing this stack."

She rolled her eyes. "That's not the point... If you keep going now these aren't going to make any sense to you when you next read em!" Somehow, she was going to play into a part of his mind where it made sense to take a break, because she was frankly worried that one of these days, he was going to work himself to death.

"I've gotta write this up again anyway, someone complained they couldn't read my writing, so eventually I've gotta go through this again and type it." he shrugged, looking back towards the paper. Her eyes followed his, like she hadn't already tried to decipher what he was trying to write. Was he seriously using a college notation method to write up official cases? Did she really recognise it as a college notation method?

Maybe this was on her.

"Isn't that all the more reason why you should save it? C'mon, Duke, when was the last time you got a good night in?"

"Why are you so bothered how much I sleep?" the question wasn't malicious in any way, merely Duke playing into his curiosities without looking up from the page he was scribbling on.

"Because it's been the same routine for months now? You come in here every morning before work, and I'm lucky if I actually get to see you alert and well rested before you order the coffee. don't you think there's even a chance you're working yourself too hard?"

His pen stopped. She hadn't realised how much she'd been relying on it as background noise until it stopped scratching against the page.

"Huh."

He was more than aware that she paid attention to him. The two of them had some rather interesting conversations first thing on a morning, but come to think of it, most of those had been fuelled by her absolutely heavenly coffee. At this point, it was a subconscious effort to keep himself going for as long as possible, because that meant he got more done. And if he got more done, then he had more of a chance to get to the conclusion of a case, to reach the point where he could stop and say... Yeah. He finally made a difference. A real difference.

"Y'know, maybe I am..."

Holloway's shoulders dropped with relief; she hadn't even realised there had been a tension there in the first place. Duke's eyes flitted between her, the notes, and an empty space on the desk next to him.

"Just let me-"

"Duke..."

Her hand fell on top of his, stopping him from witing another word (and bringing a sudden flush to his cheeks, but he elected to ignore that one). She gently shifted his hand out of the way, closing the file over the written notes with her other hand. He stared at the glossy sheen on her brightly painted nails until he snapped himself out of his working trance, at least for the time being.

"I'm gonna hold this file hostage if you're not careful, least that'll be one way to actually get you to sleep for once..."

After thinking about this, and coming to the realisation that he was likely going to be back in the morning anyway, he figured that there was only one way to keep him distracted from work long enough to get him to do anything else. "... Could you?"

"What?"

"Keep the file. I'll be back for it tomorrow morning, but you want me to sleep, and there's a bit of me that wants me to sleep too... So-"

She slipped the file under the counter without another word, a smile resting on her lips. "It'd be my pleasure. Now... I swear to god, if you don't sleep tonight I'm burning this."

A laugh escaped him, genuine as it was weary. "Fine, fine, I can take a hint." He stood up from his barstool and took a moment to grin over at her before he turned on his heel and headed towards the door. Before he could leave, he shot a final glance back. "Please don't burn it... That's a week's worth of work..."

"Get some rest, then," she teased, folding her arms.

"G'night, Miss Holloway."

"Goodnight, Duke."

[biomic]

mom screamed in my face for telling her not to smoke and then called my sister to say i was a "fat bastard loser" and that she hopes i die. awesome. that's a lot even for her. for context, she was in the hospital last month with severe breathing issues and was essentially put on palliative care because they couldn't get a proper diagnosis before she ended up recovering. she would've died if i hadn't put my foot down and taken her there. and that's like, the fifth or sixth time i've basically saved her life. i've genuinely lost count by this point. but asking her not to smoke a cigarette is a step too far i guess!

im just so exhausted that this is all happening again. she spirals and she improves and then she spirals again and none of the systems in place that should be able to help us can do anything without more money than we can afford. my sister called me afterwards to know what the hell was going on and i just broke down. as comforting as she tries to be she's still quick to remind me that i shouldn't hate mom because she's mentally ill and she's a victim in all this too. i've tried so, so hard over the years to stay compassionate and empathetic towards my mother and i know she doesn't "actually mean" most of the things she says in this state, but when am i allowed to just say i don't care anymore? even when she's stable and receiving treatment, she downplays the impact it has on all of us and refuses to self reflect beyond a few measly "sorrys"

it's so dehumanizing to take care of someone for over 15 years, sacrificing so much of your time and energy and life just to still be treated this way. like im shit on the bottom of her shoe for daring to question her for HER benefit. i can never get those years back. i am so much less of the person i could've been because of everything i've had to do and give in the hopes that maybe this time, she'll really get better.

i will be okay. we're already putting things in motion to get her care again, and maybe by some miracle, find somewhere she can stay and get help long term this time. i will not hurt myself (and i never have before), and i will not shut down and disappear for two months without a word like last year. i still hate that i did that. i don't want to worry anybody, and i don't even want to be making this post. my new therapist has been great and so incredibly helpful already and i'll get into all this with her later in the week, but i just had to get this out of my system for today.

<3

[churrorat-art]

Alright so I'm reading the lost continent...

I have some thoughts.

No spoilers, I'm only on ch.18

!spoilers for the lost continent below cut !

Okay so basically blue is a nervous cowardly dragon, which is not my favorite to read about (except you turtle, you are perfect.) But I do think it's cute how he doesn't even gave wings yet. And theres the whole thing about flamesilks which is cool ig. BUT LUNA she is such a good character I can't even- (no where near as good as winter tho) and I don't even know that much about luna yet but I know she will be an ICON in the later books.

Moving on from that, basically blue is wanted cause the hive thinks he is flame silk which is not good and queen wasp needs blue as a servant blah blah. Then we meet his friend (??) And her name is io. AND SHE IS SO COOL. Such badass the way she saved blue and his pathetic butt. Idk if Io died cause she isn't mentioned later, but I hope she didn't BECAUSE SHE ONCE HAD A PET MONKEY.

Then blue meets cricket. And I think cricket is a cool lil dragon. She is very interesting. I like how she likes food alot, it's funny to me. Also I appreciate her artistic talent and I think her positive energy is a nice touch. And basically she is impossible to hate. Although I'm not sure how I feel about blues crush on cricket. Sure it's cute...but I was kinda hoping blue would've been a character WITHOUT a love interest.

Anyway they free sword tail and he is hilarious. 4/6 character I think. And so far up to this point it was really boring to read but swordtail made it way more bearable to read.

Then they meet the reading monkey-thing in the cave ??!? And like wtf??? Idek if that monkey thing is important to the plot, but it doesn't look like it! So why tf did this random monkey creature even appear??!?! Idk but I hope he becomes the main villain.

Anyway, then blue, swordtail and cricket find FUCKING LEAFWINGS (WHO ARE LONG EXTINCT BTW) IN THE QUEENS GARDENING SHED??!!!!!? Ok ok, genuinely this made the book 10x cooler. I believe the leafwings names were: hemlock, belladonna and sundew. I love sundew. (Not anywhere near as much as winter and not more than cricket but she is still a cool character ) sundews sassy attitude is so funny and want to know more about her.

Basically the leafwings know where luna is being kept, and blue + friends want to save luna but don't know where she is, and the leafwings will tell blue where she is if they steal the book of clear sight for them. And they totally dont want the book of clear sight for anything suspicious, obviously.

So I am hoping that blue , cricket and sundew go on a mission together, either to save luna or the book idc. I just want to see sundew interact with the other kids her age. Then hemlock, swordtail , belladonna can go on a solo mission to retrieve either one. Idk if that will happen, it's just my prediction.

But yeah! That's the book so far and my opinions that I felt I needed to share ! Sorry if you don't understand any of my gipperish. '- _-

Also no spoilers please !!

[stagefoureddiediaz]

I am so excited about the finale and what it could mean for Buddie. Eddie wanting someone to be there after a tough call.. But we know both Marisol and Natalia will be in the finale. Couldn’t it be that both Buck and Eddie will “sit” with them after the tough call? I mean, I know the couch is about the Buckley Diaz family. I just think it’ll be in season 7 when we get the conclusion of the couch theory. I don’t know, just knowing that they are there, makes me very careful about what I hope for in this finale.

I'm going to answer all of these together because I do not have the energy to rinse and repeat answer the same thing over and over!!

I am excited - very excited about tonights episode - so many things set up and so many things going on from what we've seen already.

first things first - I'm going to deal with Natalia. I genuinely don't think she's going to be about for more than this episode - I'm very much expecting some form of resolution with her - she is now tied into the sperm donor story as well as Bucks death story arc and from my position that is intentional - the contrast between life and death - Bucks choice is clear in this - he'll choose life because he is realising he has so much to live for and all Natalia has ever seen in Buck - really is his death. So I have no worries about her appearance - I'm simply intrigued to she how it plays out and how Buck goes about choosing himself and choosing life!

As for Marisol - I'm putting it under a cut because this got a bit long!

Firstly - where have you found confirmation of a stunt double listed for Edy/Marisol?? I've never heard of her having one listed anywhere and no one else has either - if she had one listed anywhere then 911bts would know about it and would've let us all know. You bringing it up is literally the first I'm hearing about it. So I think its safe to rule her out from actually being at the big disaster - there is already enough going on there, and with far more important characters in relation to the firefam for her to fit in those scenes. feel free to come back to me if I'm wrong, but personally I can't see it.

We don't have any context for her appearance, and that includes if there is going to be anything romantic set up with her and Eddie. for all we know they're setting her up to be a friend to Eddie (because Eddie really does see all women as friend shaped) My feeling is that the show won't go that far with them and will at most leave it ambiguous - its a season finale and the showrunners didn't know if this was going to be the final season of the show so the likelihood of them going big on starting something of a romantic nature is fairly unlikely - its far more likely that they'll leave it open and in more of an ambiguous place that is satisfying to viewers but leaves them enough wiggle room to play on it in season 7if they got the green light for said season 7.

911 has always been about leaving its characters in good and hopeful places at the end of all its seasons and that uncertainty around renewal would've been something they were aware of going into the writing of this script. That means they would've chosen to write a season end that was fitting as a series end as well - something that left enough threads in play that they could pick them back up again if renewal came, but at the same time wrapped things up nicely for everyone if not. this is something the show has been very good at doing as a whole - if you rewatch any finale episode from any season as view it as a last ever episode you will find all arcs have been wrapped up in a way that is both satisfactory if there were no further episodes, but also open enough that lots of seeds for future storytelling have been planted.

there are other things to consider here as well. This season hasn't really been about romantic love - its been about family, the changing dynamics of family, building and strengthening the family you have, actually understanding the family you have/have been building. that is what we have seen for all the characters all season long - Bathena figuring out the next stage for them as empty nesters and having grown up children. Bobby admitting he views buck as a son, his struggles with Wendell's death - his AA family. Athena dealing with her parents - when the child becomes the carer, and solving something that had haunted her family most of her life. Hen and Karen dealing with Hen taking on too much and neglecting her family as a result, having to deal with adding another parent into the mix as well as the exploration of how their family came to be in the first place. Madney - growing back together again, choosing to take the risk and be a family in everything, not just in parenting Jee, actually building a house of their own together - not one that was either of theirs from before, but one that is both of theirs from the beginning and one that allows them to take any next steps they want. the engagement whilst romantic etc is also about choosing family - something Maddie wasn't able to do with Doug because it wasn't safe, and something Chim never had with his own father - their engagement was as much about overcoming family trauma, learning from and healing from it as it was about romantic love.

Then we have Buddie - the family on paper (thanks to the will) even if they haven't figured themselves out yet or even talked about it. They sit in parallel to all of the other couples on the show in so many ways and that is very deliberate. For Eddie this season has been about his changing dynamic with Christopher as he grows up and seeks independence and who Eddie is if he doesn't have father and firefighter to hide behind - if he just gets to be Eddie. Its also been about him putting the ghost of Shannon to rest and being in a place where he can move on and create something new (even if he sucks at dating and has never actually questioned what it is he wants). While for Buck it has been about reckoning with ghosts and understanding that DNA doesn't make a family. Its been about Buck recognising which family is more important to him - the DNA family or the found family and choosing things for himself (which is why his new couch has to go) its been about him figuring out his place and where he's at peace (you know the place he can fall asleep as soon as he sits down - like Eddies couch maybe). The entire season has been spent building up Buddifer as a family dynamic and showing how much they all mean to each other and how much of a co-parent Buck is with Eddie. We've even had his relationship with Chris very loudly contrasted with the one Chim has with Denny just to make it extra obvious.

All this to say that the show hasn't been doing all this for nothing and I'm pretty convinced that they will send us into hiatus with all the pieces set up ready to build on in season 7.

Back to how Marisol fits into all of this - its pretty simple - the show is great at giving us lots of subtext - we just have to choose to read it. I've already answered an ask about how the name Marisol means our lady of solitude - the thing Eddie is feeling right now because he is focused on the concept of everyone dying alone and isn't quite in a place to look more deeply at the Buck of it all - he's getting there, but he isn't quite ready yet.

Then we have the construction aspect of the Eddie/Marisol dynamic - everything around them has been in relation to construction - but always about constructing something for someone else - Eddie goes to her house to help with repairs (with Buck and other fire fighters) - not something for himself. They meet again at a DIY store when both of them are looking for something for someone else - her for her brother, him for his son. The focus of their interaction was very much about other people and helping other people so there is something to be said about the idea of construction on sunset (a metaphor for Eddie thats been in play for a long time) and her helping him to figure out and fix whatever that construction is so that the road ahead is clear for his happily ever after (the sunset) - she isn't the sunset, she's just the construction worker - to help Eddie with the final piece of the puzzle.

The other thing to keep in mind is costuming for both Marisol and Eddie. We are pretty sure that one of Marisol's costumes tonight is an olive green and blue tie dye sweatshirt - literally the Buddie colours of the season, because we have a bts photo of Edy in what looks very much like a costume (her hair and makeup have also been done as Marisol).

Eddie is green and Buck is blue (Eddie has worn green 11 and blue 4 times this season and Buck has worn blue 22 times and green 7 times - far far more than any other colours they've worn except black for Eddie which he has rarely worn around Buck - except when in his widows weeds) , from the clothes they wear and the cases they have on their phones, the blue and green has been a very deliberate choice - Eddie is growing and Buck is water trying to find its level. Putting Marisol in a top that is a literal mash up of their two colours is telling me that whatever her scenes are, her role will be one that in some way brings Buddie together, not one that creates a wedge between them because up to now the costume department has been careful to steer clear of any Buck or Eddie related colours on either Natalia or Marisol.

That isn't to say that I don't think Marisol will feature in some way - I do and I think we will see her carry over into season 7, but there is literally nothing the writers (and all the other departments) have done that makes me think she is anything but someone who is meant to help Eddie get to a place where he is ready to see what he has already built - what is already in front of him - that Buck is the person who will always sit with him in the mess and make it his mess too.

Literally all the things the show is doing is pointing to Buddie and to expect it to happen and for them to go canon tonight is just foolish - neither Buck nor Eddie are ready for that, both have some more healing and growing to do before we get to that point and they need to have a conversation - a big massive conversation which tonights episode doesn't have room for because its a conversation that an entire episode will be built around. There is already some amazing Buddie related stuff that we've had in the sneak peeks and we will likely get more, all of which builds on all the things we've already spent this season discussing. Everything has been set up for Buddie canon in season 7 and it seems Marisol is part of helping us get there so if i were you (that means any of you) I would sit back and enjoy the storytelling because it all has a point and has been done with the intention of giving us Buddie - we made it through an entire season of Taylor Kelly and she gave us plenty of Buck growth in the middle of a slow and torturous spiral, so we can deal with a few episodes of Marisol who is going to help Eddie figure out that he isn't actually lonely because he already has what he's looking for!

If you choose to not learn how to read what a show is doing, and also come into peoples inboxes (who are actually doing a huge amount to help you read that information that the show is giving you by interpreting and discussing it) and behave negatively then I and others cannot help you because you've already chosen negativity and doom and gloom. I fully expect to have my inbox flooded with negativity, poor takes and dissatisfaction (and probably a fair amount of nastiness as well) after the episode tonight simply because the show had the audacity to have Eddie interact with someone who isn't Buck and is female - they will all be blocked and deleted - I'm over trying to explain to people who clearly don't actually read and think about all the things myself and so many others put out and I don't have the time to deal with it - I just want to enjoy my weewoo show and have fun with people on tumblr as we actually look at what we've been given in canon for all our firefam. So if you want to keep seeing what I post and my costume metas my advice is think before you type and press send on a message coming towards my inbox. I'm all for open discussion and I have lots of conversations with people who see things differently to me - but we are able to do it in a grown up and mature way, I don't pop into their inboxes and spew nastiness and hateful rhetoric.

This wasn't specifically aimed at you 5 nonnies I'm just using the opportunity to make people aware of how they will be treated if they try anything!

This got so very long 😳😳😳 soI'm ending here and I hope it all makes sense!

[iersei]

hi im mutuals with both 1 billion dndads blogs and 1 billion tma/wtnv/w359/taz/manyotherpodcasts blogs and like i just have to say. im fairly sure you are genuinely skewing the vote here. i felt so odd voting for glenn instead of lup, instead of isabel lovelace, instead of KRAVITZ. and i voted for him and looked deep inside myself and was like "why did i do this? because its funny?" and realized thats exactly why. this is all fucking hilarious. i witness your blog daily and it has the same desperation as an irl election if not far more so. theres not anything else on your blog and if there is its because you drew it for someone who voted. i have a mutual who was upset about annabelle cane not winning and was like honestly, if you were as passionate as iersei, maybe you would've had a chance. you're picking glenn close up like one of those screaming toy chickens and successfully smacking aside every character ive seen this website lose their minds over every couple of weeks perpetually since 2016 at the latest. glenn fucking close of all people. id say theres sexier dndads characters but honestly im not sure if there is anymore. i think its all glenn. i wonder how long it will take you to go back to being a normal, non-glenn-sexy-tournament themed blog. i hope you carry this sheer unfiltered passion into everything you do. because its the funniest fucking thing ive ever seen. please keep going

AS A CLOWN AT HEART, MY FIRST COMMITMENT IS ALWAYS AND FOREVER TO. THE. BIT.

anyone who knows me will tell you that they are completely unsurprised by how thoroughly i have dedicated myself to this. i wear my heart on my sleeve. i am loud. i am passionate. and when i commit, i FUCKING COMMIT.

and i ask of you. what is the greatest measure of victory. nay, of sex appeal in general on tumblr dot com. than some freaks doing some unhinged nonsense and pissing off a looot of people that just don't Get It in the process?

the reason why cecilsweep was so entertaining to watch was because. he swept against the victors of the original tournament on twitter when the rematch rounds came around to tumblr. it's because it was unexpected, but people were adamant and they were passionate.

and here? in this sphere? where nightvale is such a fucking behemoth of a powerhouse that their popularity necessitated another bracket? it doesn't carry the same energy.

you know what does?

one hot and sexy mess of a man submitted by one person with zero propaganda clawing his way up to the top. knocking down a lot of really popular characters in the process with close (heh) victories and hard fought battles. all because a handful of really desperate freaks really really want him carnally.

that's what it's all about baby. and that's why, in my heart, we've already won.

...i'm gonna keep fighting like hell though because i refuse to give up on anything and it is WAY TOO EARLY to give up now. SO EVERYONE READING THIS SHOULD GO VOTE GLENN CLOSE [HERE].

peace and love and sexualizing that old man on the planet earth <3 i refuse to ever change <3