#GUESS WHO FINISHED THE LATEST EPISODE OF CRITICAL ROLE

[ria-the-camel]

I love you I will always love you. But the way you're hurting yourself is scary scary. I don't know what to do with it. You're lying to me, you're hiding important, dangerous things from me. Because you don't want to stop. You don't want me to leave you, and I never will, but you're going to leave me. You believe it's the only way for you to be useful. I can't make you change your mind. I'm going to lose you. I love you.

[nein-pirate-lords]

so. delilah motherfucking briarwood was on the cerberus assembly you say?

[itsomgitsgreenblogging]

Pour Over Me: A Critical Role fanfic, chapter 3

Well folks, we’re at the end. Yes I am aware of the latest episode...so....uh....I guess this fic isn’t canon compliant but you know what that’s alright. I don’t mind. 

Thanks everyone for all the love and support! I really enjoyed writing this fic, and look forward to my next Shadowgast endeavor. 

Enjoy!

Read on AO3

Read chapter 1 and chapter 2 on Tumblr

Warning: Explicit sexual content (starts with “Essek fell back into the bed with a huff of air that escaped his lungs” and ends with “ Caleb smiled against his lips, and made it all worth it.” ) 

Preview:

“This is the world I live in. It’s quite beautiful...but it’s hollow. I’m sure you understand why I prefer to be alone.”

“No one prefers to be alone,” Caleb told him. “No one. That’s just a lie we tell ourselves.”

“Oh? Are there any other nuggets of wisdom you would like to impart upon me?” Essek asked sarcastically.

“I did cut in because you looked uncomfortable...but I was uncomfortable too,” Caleb said, looking off to the side where Danton had disappeared into the crowd. The sharp line of his jaw was clenched. “I did not like the way he was touching you.”

The ballroom itself was a sparkling diamond with many facets alight with great lanterns and the setting sun. Those nobility who had been lucky enough to receive an invitation were dressed in all the finery that could be found in the kingdom. Some in traditional Xhorhassian cuts, others in the foreign vivid fabrics of Nicodranas, some splashed with silks from Pride’s Call, while some wore jewelry work from Uthodurn. Essek did his duty, greeting the most powerful denmothers who lined the way to the Bright Queen’s throne who had taken their places as they had been introduced. The throne itself was empty, the Bright Queen would join them all last. She always did love the dramatic, Essek thought ruefully. It was normal enough that it made his smile feel more genuine upon his face. Thankfully he could hide his trembling hands in his long sleeves. 

“Shadowhand,” Skysybil greeted, lantern-eyes gleaming. She was seated, dressed in fine black and white robes as her long intricate braids hung by her sunken wrinkled cheeks. 

“Honored Skysybil,” Essek said with a deep bow before he moved on. Usually he would take his place by her, but since he had been tasked with keeping his eye on the Mighty Nein, he went ahead to find them. It didn’t take long to cross their paths as they all stood as a garden of colors amongst the extravagant guests. Before Essek could even get a word in edgewise, Jester bounded up to him with her abundance of energy and nearly bowled him over in her enthusiasm. 

“Oh. My. Gods!” Jester squealed, rushing up and grasping his hands. “You look so beautiful, Essek. Were you hiding that outfit under your mantle the whole time? And are those heels?”  

“They would be,” Essek said, turning his heeled boots to the side. Along the side of his shoes groups of crystals clustered together like natural geometric formations. He had been quite fond of them and their design, especially considering that when he wasn’t floating he tended to be even more lithe and small than the average drow. Any advantage of height he got was a good one, it helped him keep the illusion of power at least. 

“You look…” Caleb’s voice cracked and splintered. Essek looked up, to see Caleb staring at him. The depth of emotion on his face was hard for him to parse out, but all Essek knew was that the look sent shivers down his spine. Essek was about to say something, but the sound of strings caught his attention. 

“Ah, the Opening Dance is about to start,” Essek said, strangely grateful for the distraction.  

Around the dancefloor, all of the guests gathered to watch the beginning. The Bright Queen descended down the stairs with the Dusk Captain, her wife. She was the moonlight catching the waves, as her dress sparkled and shimmered with every step as if it were alive. The Bright Queen took her place in the center of the floor as the Dusk Captain taking her hands reverently. The audience bowed and curtsied to them first, showing reverence to their majesties. The Dusk Captain then kneeled, took the Bright Queen’s hand, and kissed it. This elicited a delighted gasp from a few of the Mighty Nein. Essek though was trained on the Bright Queen’s expression...soft and longing as she drew near to her wife. 

Their bodies pressed together as closely aligned like the two halves of the moon. And then with the swelling strings they began to dance. Heels flicked, the Bright Queen's dress flashed in the lantern light. They moved like one being, like they shared breath and heartbeat and life. Every move one took was balanced perfectly by the other as they swept across the dancefloor like the oncoming tide rushing in to the beach.  

"They are so beautiful," Yasha whispered, her colorful gaze full of longing. 

"They are two souls as one," Essek said back, looking forward so that his gaze wouldn't betray anything...the yearning that carved itself into his bones as he watched the Dusk Captain lift his Queen, and she melted into her arms. "Bound together by fate for all eternity, they dance. They are souls completely intertwined, with their bodies acting as a sacred conduit instead of a barrier. That is the meaning of this dance, and for us, romance. They are our highest ideal." 

Essek didn't say that the first time he had seen them dance he had cried in an empty room. Their love had made him desolate...it had ravaged his heart completely. For in the face of such splendor, how could he ever find anything to compare? He didn’t say that he had long since taken to watching them, never joining in on the dance. There was so little that was beautiful about this world and this country...he had often felt that he had to savor whatever little things he could. 

The tempo began to change, and the dancers began to sweep to the sides, ready to enter the space that the Bright Queen had made holy. 

“It is time,” Essek told the Mighty Nein. “Pair up.” 

Just as practiced, they paired off. Essek went to step back, to attempt to disappear within the crowd where it was safe, but immediately he was caught. Caleb’s hand was outstretched to him, and Essek raised his face to meet his gaze. 

“Would you dance with me?” Caleb asked, his voice like a small fledgling riding upon wings of hope...so easily dashed by harsh winds. And so much of him wished to say no, to duck back into formality and courtly manners because they would all see him. It would be just like Adore said, his heart would bleed out upon that sacred space that the Bright Queen and the Dusk Captain had anointed with their love and everyone in the dynasty would know that Caleb had his heart. They would know what Essek had hardly admitted to himself...but now could no longer hide. They would all know that Essek was in love with Caleb. 

But if this is your only chance to hold him...could you bear to pass it up? Would you ever forgive yourself if you didn’t let yourself live in this bright shining moment? Essek thought to himself, steeling his spine and fishing into the depths of his courage. Be rebellious. Be courageous. 

“Yes,” Essek said, barely recognizing his own voice. He pushed through it regardless. He took Caleb’s hand, and he was swept out to the floor with the rest of the dancers. 

His hand pressed into the small of Essek’s back, branding his touch over shoulder blades. Despite all the layers, Essek could feel him and he didn’t fight it. He pressed his chest close, his cheek almost brushing the hollow of his neck. The music moved them across the floor with all the other dancers...allies...enemies...all of them spiders on a web that tangled them all up together inextricably. But they didn’t matter as Essek’s fingers trailed from Caleb’s arm to his back, and as Caleb spun them with tight almost militaristic precision. Patterns. Dancing was patterns, magic was made of patterns. To someone else, it may have seen impersonal but when Essek caught his gaze his eyes were glimmering with desire. 

The music echoed distantly in Essek’s ears, all that mattered was Caleb’s warm breath...the scent of woodsmoke and something sweet and something distinctly male. Essek’s palm found the ridges of his ribs as Caleb’s fingers for a moment ghosted from Essek’s neck, down his arm, to grasp his hand and lead them into another turn and spin. Essek’s body...the cup in which his soul was residing, was overflowing with this touch. 

There was magic in this, Essek thought as he leaned back into a dip. He was resonating with it. This he would remember, he would be sure of it. Even as everything else slipped from his grasp one day, he would remember the moment where he was sure that he too had been transformed by his own love. He had found something divine and sacred in a world where the sacred was as rare as touching a star. Essek had never enjoyed the light, it had been too hard for him to bear. But now, he was drawn to the beat of Caleb’s heart like a moth drawn to flame and without it he was sure to be left cold. 

“Essek,” Caleb said, voice caught in the exertion of the dance, and the sound was so pleasing that it pulled on something deep and primal inside of him. 

“Caleb?” Essek asked as they turned into the last movements of the dance. They danced, Essek’s leg hooked to Caleb’s. He cradled Essek’s back as he raised his hand in the finishing posture as the song ended. There was the loud sound of clapping from all the onlookers that rained over them, for a moment blocking out everything but the puff of Caleb’s breath and his cheeks stained red. 

“You look beautiful tonight,” Caleb whispered. 

Essek’s voice was caught in his throat, and all he could do was smile in return. He took Caleb’s hand, and kissed it. 

----

Essek was in the depths of his first glass of wine, watching as the ball continued. The dancers continued their twirling to a litany of Xhorhassian classics as the bards continued their well practiced tunes. He had stationed himself at the edge of the ballroom in a private corner away from the gossiping ladies who flitted about like a colorful array of tropical birds in the dangerous jungle of society, but of course there was always one such bird who attempted to rope him in to some asinine nonsense. 

“Come along, Essek,” Adore said, hooking his arm with hers. She was dressed in a beautiful sunset-orange gown with a daring low back, and her smile flashed at her husband who waved at her from his own conversation. Her horns glittered with golden jewelry, and her face nearly sparkled in the low light. “You must say hello to the ladies.” 

“You must be awfully bored if you are attempting to add me to the conversation,” Essek noted, before putting on his professional face. Immediately though, he saw the game Adore was attempting to play as Lady Kilsek looked up from her glass. He was half tempted to just stop walking in the middle of the room, but thought better of it. No need for any more unnecessary drama this evening. After all, he was sure there would be plenty to have. 

“Lord Shadowhand,” Lady Kilsek said with a gracious bow of her head. Lady Kilsek, the matriarch of Den Kilsek, was an ancient drow woman in her third life...though soon it would be her fourth. The other ladies at the table all made moves to get up and curtsy, but Essek waved them off with a practiced smile that felt slick upon his face. 

“My lady,” Essek said, plucking her outstretched hand and bowing. “How are you and your kin?”

“Blessed by the light upon this day,” Lady Kilsek said. “And by good company, of course. And entertainment.” 

Essek followed her gaze to where Nott was currently engaged with her fourth glass of wine, and Beauregard and Fjord were laughing at the faces Jester was making as she told some story. Caduceus, Yasha, and Caleb were off somewhere in the crowd, beyond where Essek could see. They were rowdier than polite company would allow, clearly designated by the way the other nobility had placed at least one table between themselves and the Mighty Nein, but they were having fun.  

“They are quite the handful,” Essek said simply. 

“They did well in the Opening Dance,” Lady Omryn said as she fanned herself with a delicately painted fan. “I hear that was yours and Adore’s doing, hm?” 

“As our Queen required,” Essek said with a simple nod as he took the free seat.  

“I was especially surprised by their grace,” Lady Destor giggled, plucking a flute of liquor from a servant. “Who knew those boorish Empire types could pick up our dance with such ease! It gives me hope for their types, you know, when the war is over.” 

When we have absorbed their country, destroyed their culture, and have enslaved their citizens to our wills more like, Essek thought, resisting the urge to snort. What a joke.  

“They are an eclectic group of individuals from different countries across Wildemount,” Essek said as he folded his hands upon his lap. Lady Destor looked like she was about to say something else, when the moment that Essek had been dreading arrived. Sir Danton appeared naturally as if this had not been planned. Essek revealed nothing, his face surely still a pool of calm. 

“Grandmother,” Sir Danton said, bowing and kissing his grandmother’s hand. There was a look that passed between them, and then Danton looked towards Essek. “Lord Shadowhand.” 

“Blessed be,” Essek said with the slightest inclination of his head.

“Lord Shadowhand, if you would do me the honor of the next dance?” Sir Danton asked, offering his arm. Essek stood up in a fluid motion as he knew he was unable to refuse, feeling Adore’s eyes and he knew his mother’s somewhere. He took Sir Danton’s arm and allowed him to lead him out onto the dancefloor as the next song began. Essek looked at Danton with a clinical gaze, categorizing his features like he was studying his runes. He did cut a handsome figure, with broad strong shoulders for their rather small race. When his hand moved a bit too languidly against his back Essek leveled a look. 

“As a warrior, I would have thought you would have more control over your movements,” Essek commented coolly. The hand moved back to somewhere much more appropriate as they spun, corrected as if it were nothing but a slip during the dance. 

“Forgive me, Lord Shadowhand,” Danton chuckled, cavalier in the face of Essek’s quiet anger. “I just thought this is what you enjoyed, considering what I saw in the Opening Dance.” 

“You certainly got an eyeful of something,” Essek noted as he seethed. “Though your capacity for imagination is impolite at best, coarse at worst.” 

“Now, we both know better than that,” Danton said, moving them closer in time with the music. Essek felt cold and somehow even more detached, moving impersonally with the steps. “I am not a jealous man. In fact, I quite enjoy a show of passion...regardless of the recipient.”  

“A voyeur then,” Essek said with a roll of his eyes. “How lovely.” 

“There it is...that disdainful expression, I do like that about you.” 

"All you like about me is my face," Essek scoffed. 

"Of course I like your face," Danton chuckled, fingers stroking along the back of his hand. "You are quite arresting, and you know that. I like your vanity as well." 

"Clearly," Essek said, hoping beyond all hope the dance would end soon. “Forgive me that I could not give you a smile as delicate as the sliver of the waning moon.”

"Ah, how utterly cruel of you. I do like your cruelty," Danton purred, face close. "Does your pet enjoy that about you as well? Do you take him into the dungeon to show him what you are truly like? Or are you afraid he would flinch from you?" 

"You know nothing about me," Essek commented, unable to help the way his voice went hard and cold as ice. He itched to cast a spell that would truly let Danton know what he was really like, but managed to control himself.   

"You are right, you make yourself uniquely unknowable. But I would have all the time in the world to know you, if you would let me."

"You are a small man with smaller thoughts," Essek snapped. "You already bore me, I doubt I could stand you for longer than just this dance." 

"You will regret loving him. It is only a matter of time, Essek."

“I don’t believe I gave you permission to call me by my name,” Essek reminded him.  

“You are right, but of course, your mother did give me permission...when she granted me her blessing as your denmother.” 

"If there is one thing you should know about me, it is that my Denmother's opinion matters little to me. In fact, if she has given her approval to you, you are the last man in the entire world who I would ever consider marrying--" 

Essek was about to say something else that was probably far more rude when Danton spun him, and then Essek was pulled out of Danton’s grip. 

"If you’ll allow me to cut in," Caleb said, giving Danton a glare. Essek started, and Danton bowed in defeat. 

“Of course,” Danton said, before he could say no more because Caleb half whisked him away. Essek followed the steps for a few moments before being unable to resist sighing. 

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Essek chastised him, but regardless he melted back into Caleb’s arms. It should have been horrifying...embarrassing...just how easy it felt to slip back into his embrace and into the rhythm of their dance. But instead, it was the most comfortable he had been all night, the smile that had so grated against his face felt natural once more. 

“Why? He was obviously making you uncomfortable,” Caleb said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I am not good at social cues, but even I could tell that much.” 

“Oh it is all just a stupid game,” Essek huffed. 

“Game?” 

“Have you had the distinct honor of meeting my mother yet?” Essek asked Caleb, whose brows furrowed as they moved into a longer promenade. 

“Lady Theylss...yes, I did.” 

“I’m sure she was lovely and considerate and said wonderful things about me,” Essek said tiredly. “And that is the man she has given permission to court me, without my input, because it suits her best to have me under her thumb at all times.”

“Why would she do that to you?” Caleb asked, sounding more concerned than Essek had ever deserved. It would have been heartwarming, if it hadn’t been so foolish. He didn’t need Caleb to be worrying about him. It just made it harder to separate his fantasies from the reality he lived in. 

 “I’m sure in her head it all makes perfect sense, and I ought to follow conventions and do my humble duty with a smile on my face. I…I just can’t seem to squash my own feelings. Really, having emotions is quite cumbersome,” Essek explained, resting his cheek against Caleb’s shoulders. “It just tires me, is all.” 

“Would she force your hand?” 

“No, she would try to convince me or blackmail me, but I’m too wily to fall for such a thing, and too willful. My mother knows I would rather burn down everything than succumb to her tricks, and she would rather corner me,” Essek said, pulling his head back slightly to look Caleb in the eye. “This is the world I live in. It’s quite beautiful...but it’s hollow. I’m sure you understand why I prefer to be alone.” 

“No one prefers to be alone,” Caleb told him. “No one. That’s just a lie we tell ourselves.” 

“Oh? Are there any other nuggets of wisdom you would like to impart upon me?” Essek asked sarcastically. 

“I did cut in because you looked uncomfortable...but I was uncomfortable too,” Caleb said, looking off to the side where Danton had disappeared into the crowd. The sharp line of his jaw was clenched. “I did not like the way he was touching you.” 

“Don’t,” Essek warned him, though it sounded too close for begging for his own ears. “Don’t.”

“Essek?” Caleb asked, the concern in his voice striking him like an arrow to the chest. 

This was no good, Essek thought desperately. It was one thing to be in love with Caleb, to know that and accept it. To hold him in his arms...but to not cross the line that was so obviously drawn in the sand. But this was something else entirely… it was treading into dangerous waters. Essek could never have the things he wanted. It was one of the unwritten rules of his universe...that the world would conspire against him in some way any time he even thought he might receive even the smallest of concessions in return. 

“You aren’t being fair,” Essek told him. “You can’t just…” 

“Essek...I…” Caleb spoke, but it sounded like he was struggling against the waves as well. It almost made Essek laugh...and it almost made him cry. 

As soon as the dance ended, Essek tried to extricate himself from Caleb’s grasp. He really did try. But he couldn’t seem to find it in himself to let go of Caleb’s hand. He wished he could just rip his traitorous heart straight from his chest, to let it crumble to ash and be swept away on the currents of the wind. But Caleb instead continued to hold his hand, to lead Essek somewhere...though he could barely focus until Caleb stopped and released his hand. 

“You’ve shared so much with me,” Caleb said quietly, turning to face him as he closed the door behind him with a click. “Would you allow me to share something with you?” 

Essek finally came out of his head, back to his body, and saw that they were out onto a balcony, blissfully alone. The sound of the dance and the laughter echoed from inside as light poured from the other balconies.  For a moment he gripped the railing of the balcony, looking out at the city that settled like a glistening tidepool on a distant shore. Even now there were the sounds of celebration as the Parade of Lanterns continued through the streets. It may as well have been a different planet with the distant ruddy moon peeking out from behind the veil of night and the larger one glowing in the sky so brightly that it almost hurt. 

Essek nodded and when Caleb held out his hand, he took it. Caleb began dancing with Essek, leading him through a simple four step dance. And yet, despite the simpleness of the step, the dance itself was elegant and smooth. It reminded Essek of watching children skate over ice in the center of Rosohna. He had never been allowed to do such childish things...but often he had watched them...he had yearned for something similar. After he began to float he learned the cost of such childish wishes. Somehow he was always punished for the things he wanted...even if they were the smallest of things. 

It was strange though because he was so used to their dances. But this dance was a different type of intimacy. Instead of the representation of passion, it was something else. It was like something delicate and fragile was budding between them, the way that the druids called flowers to grow from barren ground. The sound of the music grew more distant, their movements grew slower...and quieter, until Caleb was simply holding him. Essek caught his gaze, and something electric passed between them. His mouth went dry. 

“You mean a great deal to me, though I can’t say that I believe that I deserve it,” Caleb said softly. 

“What are you trying to say?” Essek asked him, and just that comment was enough to tear him from his revelery. He didn’t realize he was floating until he bobbed as Caleb’s hand continued to grip his forearm. “You don’t deserve it? Don’t deserve what?” 

“I don’t deserve your...your consideration,” Caleb said, squeezing Essek's hands in his own desperately trying to keep them occupied.  “And I certainly don’t deserve your kindness. And I know...I know that sounds terrible. I wasn’t attempting to use you in a political game. I overstepped, I allowed my feelings to overshadow my logic. I know you don’t feel the same, but--” 

“Stop it,” Essek demanded,pulling a hand away and holding it up. “Stop it, you are being mean. Stop it!” 

Caleb froze, a small animal caught in a trap. Essek attempted to breathe past the frustration that was welling up inside of him, he took a single step back. All he wanted was to remain in Caleb’s arms, soaking up his warmth, but he couldn’t bear it. 

“Mean…?” Caleb echoed. 

“Kindness?” Essek parroted back to him incredulously. “Consideration? Why are you ascribing me the barest modicum of...of decency and yet you think so lowly of yourself?”

“That isn’t--”

“What do you think you do not deserve? You don’t deserve my kindness? My consideration? My decency?” Essek demanded, eyes stinging with his own tears. “I barely have any of those things to spare myself or anyone else, and yet I have given it all to you...and found more of that within me while loving you! You already have all those things and my heart. Are my feelings that mysterious to you...you...you utterly obtuse moron?!”  

“Essek,” Caleb said as he moved closer.  

“I won’t do it,” Essek snapped, fists clenched. “I won’t do it! Not when I’ve already made such a fool out of myself, loving you. I have more respect for myself than that--I have to have more respect for myself than that. I am the only one who does--!”

“Essek,” he whispered, drawing even closer but Essek couldn’t breath, he couldn’t stop the fact his heart was pouring out over Caleb. 

“--and everyone else I’ve ever met has only ever viewed me as an object. All I’ve ever done is provide what others need, and I’ve received paltry scraps in return and I was happy with that and being alone, until you and your friends came along and ruined me--!” Essek gripped Caleb’s wrist as he cupped his face and turned it up tenderly, like he was the most precious thing he had ever held. “--take responsibility for this, you bastard!” 

“Essek, I’m sorry,” Caleb whispered, completely shattering Essek. He breathed it against his lips, so close to him that they could almost... “I’m sorry that I...I never wished to make you cry.”

“Don’t say you’re sorry, I don’t want that,” Essek told him, finally working up the courage to look at Caleb directly. His expression was searching...longing...soft with grief and something deeper and more ardent. He couldn’t stand it, so he turned away. He looked at the balcony. They were only a few feet off the grounds that led into the royal garden. Twisting his wrist, he hopped over the balcony and settled on the ground. 

“Essek--”

“You’re wrong about me,” Essek said, schooling his voice into something professional. “I cannot allow myself or you to be destroyed by what we have between us, so, if that is the case we best end whatever this is here and now.”

“Is that what you are so afraid of?” Caleb demanded hotly. He swung a leg over the railing of the balcony. 

“Wait, Caleb, no--”

Caleb swore as he jumped to the ground, almost teetering over but managing to catch himself at the last minute. Essek looked at him and saw his jaw set in a stubborn line. 

“Why are you following me?” Essek snapped, walking further into the royal gardens. 

“You are afraid of them? Of what they will think of us? I have lived my whole life absolutely terrified, and I am not going to be afraid to love you,” Caleb’s words punched Essek right in the gut as he pointed back to the balcony they had both jumped off of. He tried to suck in air, to breathe, past the desperate hammering of his heart but it had jumped up in his throat. 

“No,” Essek nearly hissed, swatting at his hand. He was thankful he knew the gardens well, or else he would have ended up tripping over a lightly glowing flower. 

“You can’t tell me no! I love you. I can control my feelings for you as much as I can control the fucking sun rising and setting!” 

“You barely know anything about me,” Essek told him, stamping his foot on the cobblestone path. “And they will hurt you, and I will hurt you...you don’t understand what they are like! You don’t understand what I am like!”

“I think out of everyone in the world, you would know I can understand,” Caleb said as Essek finally stopped by the fountain. The weight of what Caleb was saying was settling on his shoulders and making it almost impossible to move away, the horrible, seductive, wonderful words that he couldn’t allow to piece his carefully constructed armor. “Why is it that you are allowed to love me but I am not allowed to love you, that you think your demons are somehow stronger than mine and the burdens you bear are heavier? I would do everything with you, if only you asked. I thought that was obvious, but clearly it wasn’t.” 

“I will lose you,” Essek said with a laugh that had a sour bitter twist to it. “I lose everything I love. No, it’s not just that...I am always abandoned or failed. It all just slips away from me...it becomes impure and tainted somehow. I don’t have anything real. I don’t have a real family...I’ve never had real friends or even love. I am not even sure which one of me is the real me, is it me here or is it the one who was out in the ballroom or is it the one who I am when I am alone. I don’t even know myself anymore, and it doesn’t matter.” 

“I will not lie to you and say that one day you won’t lose me...you will. I am human, not a fool--” 

 “Is this supposed to convince me somehow?” Essek interrupted incredulously.  “You are doing an absolutely outstanding job. Would you like a handshake?” 

“So what’s the alternative, I live my life without loving you and being loved by you in return?” Caleb asked shaking his head and shuddering like that really was some kind of horrendous fate. Essek searched his expression for some show of facetiousness, but saw nothing but honesty. That alone was enough to hollow his belly further.  “No, no. I won’t do that.” 

“You don’t get to make that decision,” Essek said, jabbing a finger in his direction. “I will do whatever it is I want to.”

“So you’ll stop loving me then?” 

“I will! Just watch me!” Essek shouted, throwing his hands up indignantly.

“Sheisse, are you always this stubborn for the sake of all the gods!” 

“I am, and if you don’t like it then just admit you don’t actually love me.” 

“Nein, I still love you.”

“Stop saying that!” Essek hissed. 

“And I know you love me, you wouldn’t be trying this hard to push me away if you didn’t. Trust me, I know a thing or two about that sort of behavior.” 

“You are making it very difficult to love you, considering how much I hate you right now,” Essek said as he glared up at the star-filled sky. “Luxon protect me.” 

“What I was going to say before you interrupted me, was that one day I will lose you or you will lose me. I’ve lost enough in my life...I know how terrifying and horrendous it can be. It eats you up...like...ah, I don’t know the word in Common. The...the worms that grow in meat--”

“Maggots? Grubs?” Essek offered, though Common wasn’t his first language either. 

“Yes,” Caleb said fist in his hand. “That. But, that fear...somehow you can grow from it. I did that with my friends once...I would do it with you too. It doesn’t matter to me if we never kiss, or touch. Or if we never get married, or if that dance we had is the last time I ever held you in my arms. Just being by your side for the rest of my comparatively short life, knowing that we love each other would be enough.” 

“It wouldn’t be enough,” Essek said, more sure of that than anything else in this life. 

“Essek?” 

“Just being with you wouldn’t be enough. I’d at least want to hold your hand every day,” Essek admitted, sneaking his hands into his own sleeves. Though he told himself it was to hide their shaking once more, it was mostly because he wished to so badly reach for Caleb in that moment. 

“Oh?” Caleb asked, sounding surprised at the confession. Essek was too, honestly. 

“And...I’d want to sit beside you,” Essek said, looking at Caleb. “Every night...I have a fireplace in my second tower I haven’t used in thirty years. I would make you light it, because I love watching you do magic.” 

“If we are on the topic of necessities, I wasn’t being completely honest, I have to tell you now. I would need at least three cats. Frumpkin will always be my number one but, two others,” Caleb said very gravely. 

“I do like Frumpkin,” Essek said fretfully, pacing...though he was gliding, because he didn’t know what else to do with his body, “I’m just a little concerned about them getting somewhere they shouldn’t. Maybe just in the residence tower?” 

“That is a solid proposal.” 

“I’m an absolutely horrendous cook too,” Essek admitted breathlessly. “I usually have a servant or two but...if it’s more than just me I may need to invest in a cook. Would you require them to cook Empire food or would--” 

“I’m not picky at all, really if you didn’t it would be fine. Essek--”

“No, no you don’t understand I can’t be responsible for you dying. Even if you will die...one day, oh you know what I’m trying to say don’t you?” Essek demanded. 

“I do. Essek...since we are on the topic tangentially...how do you feel about kissing?” Caleb asked, drawing close. 

“Kissing?” Essek repeated, feeling as if someone had lobbed a feeblemind in his direction. Essek moved back and Caleb didn’t push into his space, instead he let Essek go. “How do you know the word tangentially but not the word maggot?” 

“I don’t think you are focusing on the right part of the question, though, I can’t answer that question besides just admitting my mind works in strange ways?” 

Essek paused and reoriented himself so that he was looking at Caleb more directly. 

“Do you mean kissing in general or just you?” 

“I...well both I suppose, though I hope you would mostly be kissing me, though, I have no qualms if you also would kiss others as long as we perhaps discussed it first. That’s not...I am not a jealous man.” 

“You were jealous earlier!” 

“I was angry, because he was treating you in a way that was making you clearly uncomfortable--” 

“And you were jealous.”

“Ach...perhaps a little...he was very handsome, and you...also…” Caleb trailed off, ears reddened. 

“To answer your question, I feel...fine about kissing. I would want two kisses a week.” 

“Two?” Caleb asked, sounding utterly aghast. “Only two?” 

“You said I would be enough, it’s time to live up to your word,” Essek pointed out. 

“Could I bargain for five a week if we have one less cat?” 

“You are lying, and I know that because you would never trade a cat for anything.” 

“You know me well.” 

“I think...I...I would feel differently about kissing, if I am kissing you,” Essek said softly. “All of the other kisses I’ve had before...they were from people who didn’t love me. It was the same with sex. It was a lot of sticky and messy and panting and then quiet and I just didn’t…”

“Essek, I was being serious when I said--”

“I didn’t love them, Caleb,” Essek told him firmly. “And I...I said two because I don’t want you to think I'm greedy. I’ve wanted to kiss you almost every time I’ve seen you, nothing you do will change that.” 

“If I may admit it, that makes me feel relieved,” Caleb laughed. “Since I’ve felt the same way for a long while now.” 

“Oh,” Essek said, without having anything better to say to fill the air. 

“Are you still hoping to convince me to stop loving you, because I don’t think you are being successful.” 

 “This was all hypothetical,” Essek said simply. “Loving me is still a foolishness you should not allow yourself to dabble in.” 

“That’s not the way love works, you and I both know it.” 

“All we’ll do is talk in circles...I’ll just keep orbiting around you,” Essek bemoaned. “Don’t you see? This is what you get for loving me. I won’t be able to change that, nor how I feel about this. Maybe you are right, I'll admit it. I am a vain man, not an idiot. I am in love with you and want a life with you, but I can’t have those things with you.”

“What stops us?” Caleb asked. “You are one of the most powerful people in the Dynasty, and I am not too bad in a scrap myself.” 

"But they--"

“Fuck them!”

“You know there is more to it then that,” Essek said with a sidelong look. "Don't act a fool, I know you are not one. It is what makes you attractive to me to begin with." 

“I know there is but I don’t care. If this is what we both want, then...then we should just do it,” Caleb told him. “A life together is what I am offering, Essek. In whatever form you would prefer, for the rest of my days.” 

"That is a paltry sum to be negotiating for," Essek noted. "You should have asked for all the secrets of dunamancy, or something--" 

"I don't think so. You are the greatest treasure I believe I could ever hope for. Even with your irrational practicality included. Though, I can't help but hope I also learn some more secrets. You are a wonderful teacher." 

"But what of your friends?" 

"What about them? They all adore you." 

"You will want to be with them, and a life adventuring and a life with me are in direct conflict. I am not the adventuring type." 

"I don't see how, I won't adventure forever. I'm 33 and my knees are already in rough shape." 

"Now you are messing with me. And on top of that...your goals," Essek said. "I know for a fact you have important goals. Things that you have kept a secret from me.” 

“I will not lie to you, and say I do not have other goals besides peace and...bringing down the Cerberus Assembly. What I have done in my life...perhaps I would never be able to right those wrongs if I had a thousand lifetimes. But maybe…” 

“I could be sustained for a thousand lifetimes on the small kindnesses you have already shown me,” Essek admitted, “but I’m not sure I can weather the heartache.” 

“My life has been a thousand heartaches, but just recently I’ve come to see that to cherish is to overcome that.” 

“And you would cherish me?”

“I already do,” Caleb said with a frown. “Was that not obvious?” 

“I…” Essek searched for the words but failed. 

“I will love you and cherish you for the rest of my life,” Caleb promised him, taking his hand, lifting it, and kissing it. Essek stopped floating, and let his feet touch the ground. “I won’t ask you to do the same, but even if it’s just for the sliver of time in which we share a life...would you love and cherish me?” 

“I already do,” Essek admitted. “And I want to promise myself to you...more than anything.” 

“Then why won’t you?” 

“I won’t be able to stop loving you,” Essek said, trying to keep his voice from cracking under the weight of all of this--of this moment in time that he never wanted to abandon. “I wasn’t able to stop myself from falling in love with you, how can I stop myself from loving you?”  

“Kiss me,” Caleb asked, cupping Essek’s face in his hands. “Essek...kiss me.” 

Essek pressed up on his toes, and kissed Caleb. 

The kiss itself was short and soft, their mouths closed and Essek’s fingers clenched on Caleb’s shoulders. But kissing Caleb was like clinging to a flame. There was a flash of heat so intense that Essek was afraid he would burn with it, and yet, the moment he pulled away his mouth felt strangely cold. Caleb’s eyes met his, and he released a shaky breath. His face was flushed, his eyes dilated and glistening in the lowlight. Caleb’s tongue darted out to lick his lips, as if tasting the flavor of their kiss on his lips.  

“Caleb,” Essek said, his voice breathless and strange to his own ears. He could barely hear it over the frantic butterfly beating of his own heart. “Again...please--”

Essek couldn’t even finish the request, Caleb was already ducking down once more to claim his mouth. He melted into Caleb’s arms even further. Another kiss turned to two, three, then four, and then somewhere along the line Essek lost track. Caleb gasped as his tongue brushed Essek’s sensitive incisor, and Essek shivered at the taste of Caleb’s mouth and the feeling of his hair twisted in his fingers. 

Finally, they had to part to breathe. Essek's mouth tingled and he could almost taste Caleb upon his lips still. Caleb's lips parted with his own breath as he reached his arms out hesitantly. Giving in to what he had wanted for so long, Essek curled his arms around Caleb's back in an embrace. 

"I would love you for a thousand lifetimes," Caleb whispered, just for his ears, tucking him against his chin. 

"Oh Caleb," Essek sighed, burying his face in Caleb's neck. "I know." 

---

Essek fell back into the bed with a huff of air that escaped his lungs. Unhurriedly, Caleb pulled Essek’s boots off, and helped to slide off Essek’s trousers with the same reverence as someone opening a treasured spellbook. Caleb hummed, taking one of Essek’s legs into his hands. He couldn’t help the way he shivered at the sensation of calloused fingers squeezing and rubbing at the muscle there. 

“You are so beautiful,” Caleb moaned, kissing his shin...the inside of Essek’s thigh in languid unhurried kisses. His fingers traced the divot of his hips...as he pressed an open-mouthed kiss to Essek’s belly. “Every part of you.”  

"You’re teasing,” Essek said, leveling his best annoyed look but it felt disingenuous even to him. He felt so warm, loose-limbed and love-sick. Essek’s whole body arched as Caleb tugged at his nipple. “Ngh!” 

“Never,” Caleb told him, though his eyes sparkled with mirth. “I just wish to remember every part of you.”  

Essek nearly growled, and yanked Caleb up to kiss him. They stayed that way for a long while, kissing and pressed skin to skin except for the last thinnest of barriers. Essek ran his foot against Caleb’s leg and was rewarded with a shiver and an obscene gasp that Essek wanted to repeat in his mind a million times over. Caleb’s hips canted forward, Essek dug his fingers into Caleb’s hips, and he could feel Caleb hot and hard against him. Suddenly, Essek could understand why someone would want to do this. 

“Caleb,” Essek gasped, tearing his mouth from Caleb’s lips. The pleasure was almost too much suddenly.    

"I want to feel you inside of me," Caleb said, pulling away. His eyes were a study in black-and-blue, his mouth was red, his skin was an utterly pleasing shade of cream and pink. Essek could follow the bursts of color...of freckles and silver scars across his skin and red hair across his body...and he was so beautiful for it all.  

Essek’s mind reeled at the request. He had to admit to himself that he had probably read too many cheap romance novels, and what he knew about romance between humans was most likely extremely biased based on old anti-Empire sentiments. Rough, uncouth human men were always portrayed in a certain way. He had always been passive in his previous couplings… and Essek hadn’t minded the idea of being...well...dominated by Caleb to a certain extent. But this idea had Essek’s brain completely misfiring. 

But practicality did have to come first. 

“I’d come too quickly,” Essek admitted. “And I haven’t done this in a long while...we may need to work up to something like that. I may get...overwhelmed.” 

“Ah...you probably have a point,” Caleb said, not looking offended or off-put. And Essek nearly fell in love with him all over again.  

“Perhaps another time,” Essek offered, sitting up to curl his fingers in Caleb’s hair and pull him into another kiss. Just the action gave him an idea. “But considering how much you seem to like my legs, I think I have an idea.” 

“I do love your ideas,” Caleb said, pressing a tender kiss to Essek’s temple that left him almost as breathless as rutting against Caleb had made him. He slid off his underclothes. Essek grasped the vial of oil from the side table, and upended it, pouring an obscene amount on his thighs. He could feel Caleb watching, gaze heated and mouth parted in longing, and he made a show of spreading his legs for Caleb once he felt that he was sufficiently prepared. He gave himself a cursory pump or two. His own arousal had been slowly simmering in the back of his mind, and he had forgotten how hard he was. 

“Come here to me,” Essek beckoned, curling his finger towards Caleb. Caleb wasted no time, kneeling between Essek’s leg, grasping Essek by his thighs and closing his legs around his cock as he hooked them over one of Caleb’s shoulders. 

“Oh, oh,” Caleb moaned unabashedly, he pressed down hard and thrusting into Essek’s thighs with little abandon. Watching Caleb’s expression dissolve into teeth-gritting, desperate pleasure had Essek taking his own cock into his hand. The mental thrill of this, of watching the man who loved him so desperately receiving so much pleasure from his body as he brushed over all of the sensitive parts of him, was just so good. It was addictive, if he was being completely honest.  

“Caleb,” Essek moaned, twisting his hand in rhythm. “You’re making me filthy.”  

“Wanna make you feel good,” Caleb nearly slurred, tip leaking and Essek could feel Caleb getting him wetter, and the glide of it getting smoother. “You feel so good, Essek.” 

“Yes,” Essek gasped, shivering at the sound of his name being said like that. Like Caleb was desperate, like he was in love with him, like Caleb would tear the sky apart for him, like Caleb’s love could encompass him and destroy everything that he had worked for to build up his walls and he wouldn’t care. As long as Essek could have this, could have Caleb loving him and begging for him, he would do nearly anything. 

“Essek, Essek!” Caleb gasped, slamming into Essek’s legs, rubbing against him in a way that had Essek throwing his head back. His efforts became more frantic around himself, curving his fist to get the right friction. With the way Caleb’s hips were twitching it wouldn’t be long, and he wanted to come with Caleb so badly it was tearing at his belly like some kind of feral beast but he knew he wasn’t close enough. It didn’t matter. His own pleasure seemed secondary to this.  

“I love the way you touch me,” Essek admitted, his voice caught and breathless and pouring out of him unrequested. “Oh Caleb, please come. I want you to come so much, I want to see you. I’ve dreamed of this, wanted this for so long.” 

“Essek,” Caleb groaned before spilling himself on Essek’s legs...on his cock and belly. The heat was striking and sudden. Essek managed to pull his legs off of Caleb’s shoulders, settling them bent on either side of Caleb. Breathless and dazed, Caleb looked at Essek with an expression so hungry that it left Essek bereft of a response. To Essek's surprise, his fingers traced the mess on Essek’s legs and belly. He paused and met Essek’s gaze. “You didn’t come.” 

  “No,” Essek confirmed, though, he was slightly confused at the direction of the conversation. “I can take care of it.” 

“I want to make you feel good now,” Caleb said, leaning down, kissing his knee as he did so. “Won’t you let me?” 

“I…” Essek blinked, surprised. “Yes, if you don’t mind?” 

“Could I use my mouth?” Caleb asked, and Essek immediately felt himself blush so hard his ears ached. Caleb’s mouth twisted into a smile, and Essek was rendered so speechless that all he could do was nod. Caleb wasted no time, sinking down and enveloping Essek in a hot wet heat that had him twitching with pleasure. Caleb moved like he was starving for the taste of Essek’s cock and was eternally grateful to have it. He lapped at Essek’s cock as he caught his breath. “You seemed so surprised that I should want this, Essek...mmm, tell me, after everything you do, how could anyone not give you any pleasure you wished for?” 

“Caleb, oh by the Luxon,” Essek cried as Caleb flicked his tongue over his cock, before taking him again. He was so close to the edge that he was trembling with it, it was building so fast that Essek almost couldn’t believe it. There were kisses and little scrapes as Caleb clearly experimented with what would bring Essek the most pleasure, leaving Essek totally helpless against it all. 

“Anything you want,” Caleb promised. “Let me care for you, as you care for me.”  

“Caleb, my light, please--!” 

Caleb took him in deep one final time, and Essek came apart at the seams. Caleb sucked him through the most bone-shattering orgasm that Essek had ever achieved in his whole life, lazily releasing Essek with a pop when it was over. Essek was left drenched in sweat, completely limp and barely able to summon enough strength to pull Caleb into a long, amorous kiss. Though the taste of himself wasn’t the most pleasant, and his skin was still drenched in a mess of oil and fluid, it was perhaps one of the most fulfilling kisses of his whole life. 

Caleb rolled over to settle next to him, hair a mused mess, lips swollen, eyes dreamy, looking well and truly fucked out. They stayed like that for a while, Essek letting his heart rate settle down to an acceptable pace, and Caleb catching his breath. Finally, some thoughts managed to settle back into Essek’s brain through the fog of their coupling and his love-drunkenness as he gazed at the series of bruises along Caleb’s neck, fang marks and hickeys that bloomed his skin into lovely colors that had to be relatively painful. 

“I’m sorry for that,” Essek said, tracing the marks so delicately that he could barely feel Caleb’s skin...only the emenanting heat. 

“Oh,” Caleb said, palming his neck and wincing slightly. “It’s alright, my clothing and scarf should cover it...and I could ask Caduceus to heal it later.”

“Not asking Jester is most likely a good idea,” Essek noted, managing to sit up. Caleb curled an arm around him, and he was thankful for the warmth. He cast a critical eye to his clothing, all crumpled up in a pile by his bedroom door and sighed. He would need to steam those at some point. 

“Do you have a bath?” Caleb asked, kissing Essek’s ear. Naturally it twitched at the sensation of the stubble and the touch, and Essek could feel Caleb smile against it. “We should take one.” 

“That sounds like a good idea to me,” Essek said, kissing Caleb once more...because he could. Caleb smiled against his lips, and made it all worth it.

---  

“What the fuck did you do to Caleb?” Beau asked him roughly. Essek looked over the rim of his teacup at her. He was sitting at the edge of the hot tub, as Beau soaked her defined shoulders flexing with her question as she asked it. Essek had dipped his feet in, glad enough for the heat, and feeling totally at ease. It was a strange thing, but welcome. 

“I’m not sure what you mean,” Essek said, taking a sip. He sighed with pleasure as he did so. “Caduceus, this blend really is lovely. Did you grow everything here?” 

“Aw, thanks so much,” Caduceus said with his usual kindly meandering demeanor as he sat down on the opposite side of the hot tub. He sipped at his own cup before reaching to give Fjord his own. “Some of it is from home, the rest is from here. Here you go Fjord.”

“Thanks Cad,” Fjord said, accepting the cup. He looked at it a bit skeptical before taking a sip. 

“Stop getting off topic, he’s been all...weird since the night at the ball when you guys totally bailed,” Beau said, jabbing a finger in Essek’s direction. 

“That was probably for the best though, your sister and your mom were pretty pissed,” Fjord pointed out. “Like, I’ve never had such an awkward conversation before in my whole life.” 

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” Essek noted, raising an eyebrow to Beau. “You won’t like the answer anyways, so it’s better not to know.” 

“What the fuck does that mean?” Beau demanded.

“It means that Essek and Caleb totally kissed,” Jester said in a sing-songy voice as she skipped in, with Nott and Yasha at her heels. All of them were in robes.  

“Whatever you would like to think,” Caleb said, entering and settling next to Essek purposefully. Essek leaned against Caleb oh so slightly, curling the hand that was behind him in Caleb’s. His fingers interlocked with his easily, as if they had always been meant to be there. It was just like the tree or the dancing jars of sunlight in the Rosohna night...it shouldn’t have gone together and yet it did perfectly.  

“They definitely fucked,” Yasha noted softly as she shed her robe and got into the hot tub with little decorum, and Essek inhaled his drink so quickly that it scalded him on the way down. 

“Oh sheisse, Essek, are you alright?” Caleb asked, as Essek attempted to gain control of his voice. 

“OH MY JESUS YOU DID?!” Nott shrieked, seemingly prepared to run across the water to do something. Jester stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.  

“Who the fuck is Jesus?” Jester demanded.

“I dunno, I think I heard that name somewhere,” Nott noted.

“He isn’t as cool as the Traveler!” Jester said forlornly. “You should be saying, oh my Traveler!” 

“Jessie, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing,” Fjord said sheepishly. Yasha and Cad shared a look. Beau buried her head in her hands, and looked ready to drown herself. 

“You were right, I didn’t want to know,” she said mournfully. 

“Well, it was pretty good,” Caleb said with a confident snarky grin, totally meant to upset Beau who lobbed a splash of water at them both. Essek was hit, but somehow he couldn’t find it in his mind.  

“Ew! Caleb! Don’t tell me about your sex life!” 

Essek shook his head with a smile, and took another sip of tea. 

[mjdrawsalot]

So, guess who just finished the latest episode of Critical Role and immediately started storyboarding Fjord's dream?

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E38 (October 16, 2018)

Tonight’s guests are Sam Riegel and Taliesin Jaffe (and, as always, Dani Carr and... Tiny Corner Max?)!

Announcements:

The latest episode of Between the Sheets, featuring Daytime Emmy Award-Winning Sam Riegel (TM), aired last night and will be available on YouTube tomorrow morning. Sam: “I feel like this channel is mostly just you and me talking?” Brian: “Are you saying that everyone else is just riding our coattails?” Taliesin: “He’s also saying that you look a lot like Liam at this point, and he can’t tell the difference.”

Another episode of All Work No Play will debut this Friday on the Critical Role Twitch (uploaded to YouTube on Sunday). In this episode, Sam and Liam do yoga... with goats. TJ Storm and Travis Willingham guest star!

Next week the cast will be at London MCM! Taliesin: “I’m packing slightly more tweed.” Brian: “Gettin’ tweedy with it.”

There’s a new (harp music) Laura Bailey emote on the CR Twitch for subscribers.

@critrolestats for this week’s episode:

The M9 hit 150 natural ones in this episode. Number 150 was Jester’s acrobatics check to get away from the yuan-ti abomination.

Jester also set the record for the most natural ones in a single episode: 5. The previous record of 4 was held by Nott and Beau. Brian: “You guys remember these are not still going to charity, right?” Sam and Taliesin: “What?”

Taliesin was the one who helped Momlan glue on her elf ears. Taliesin: “I would be very nervous if my mom were going out there.” Brian: “Well, she’s got hundreds of years of secrets on you.” Taliesin: “Mom of the damned.”

Cad’s definitely been upset about being around undead; Taliesin’s rolled a few times to see if there’ll be a worse freak-out, but there hasn’t been one so far. “The notion is that there’s a direction things are supposed to move, and [undead] is something moving against the grain in an intense way. What’s the point of having an imaginary organized religion of any kind if you can’t have something they’re fundamentally against?”

Nott’s extremely far from her comfort zone right now, being outside the Empire, working for a captain on the sea who’s threatened their lives: “There’s snakes and lizards and... wouldn’t you drink, dude?!”

Given how much he’s been getting the shit kicked out of him lately, is there a breaking point for Cad? “Probably. I haven’t really finished nailing him down emotionally yet. I genuinely don’t know what zen people do when everything goes to shit.” Jester’s speech genuinely comforted him a lot. “Apparently Laura knew what to say.” Sam notes that the party hasn’t really had a chance to sit down and ask him questions about himself so far. Taliesin mentions that Cad’s been ordering drinks but hasn’t actually been drinking.

Nott’s fallen into the role of the mom friend mainly because nobody else has (everyone agrees that Caduceus is more of “a wise pothead”). Brian: “Everyone seems to have so much baggage right now. Half the people seem focused on just holding it together, the other half are focused on the mission.” Dani: “Somebody has to be the level-headed one.” Sam: “And why can’t that leveling force come from a three-and-a-half-foot insane goblin alcoholic?”

Once Caduceus levels out (he’s still a little shell-shocked), he’s going to realize that he’s surrounded by “unhealthy lunatics” and will want to do something about that.

Sam’s done some research about chemistry (although he wants to make more of a cheat sheet after Travis’ experience with sailing), knowing it might come up with Nott’s alchemy knowledge. Taliesin is trying to learn more of what Sam terms “that fungus shit”. Also tea, and zen. Sam: “I was thinking you should go to a morgue and see how bodies decompose.” Taliesin: “Oh, I have some experience in that.” 

(don’t worry; it’s just some friends in forensic anthropology)

Gif of the Week: Taliesin casts Detect DM Shenanigans.

“There was a certain order to the universe that he has come to expect, and it has been thrown into great disarray.” Cad was expecting the Epic Quest to save his home, but he wasn’t expecting the Mighty Nein. He’s mainly staying because of what Jester said about not necessarily needing to understand what’s happening right now. “He’s confused and trying his best to just let things happen, because that’s how the Wildmother works.”

Nott’s been surprised by some of the Mighty Nein’s actions, but so far she knows it’s out of necessity. She doesn’t view the incident on the docks as quite as bad as some of the others did---it was chaotic and based in self-preservation rather than actively causing harm. “But some of the other actions lately have been surprising to her.” Sam points out that she and Caleb did a lot of things to survive, and that she still steals a lot, and reminds everyone that she lives in a very morally grey area. She’s not thinking of leaving at this point, and all the high-stakes trauma has brought her closer to the group. “It’s a fucked-up dysfunctional family, but it’s starting to look a little bit like a family to her.”

Taliesin and Sam are both enjoying being moral compasses of the party this campaign, in major contrast to the previous campaign. Brian: “You were a teenage asshole. You were a teenage dirtbag.” Taliesin: “It’s so weird. I love it.” Sam: “Oh man. We’d better step up our game. If we’re the moral compasses...” Taliesin: “We’re like Cracker Jack compasses, we almost point north.”

Cad’s got a lot of abilities he just doesn’t use very often. “He knows that some of it is... rude? Death cleric, man, they’ve got some insane shit.” Cad doesn’t have the same opinions on life and death as most people. Brian: “How surprising.”

Taliesin is having “a ton of fun” playing Caduceus. “I love Molly... and the character. Too easy.” No, but seriously: “I loved playing Molly, but the nice thing I got to do with Caduceus that I didn’t get to do with Molly is we had an established group and I got to create a character that was useful to the dynamic both mathematically and emotionally.”

Sam: “Wait, is it twitch.tv or twitch.com? Oh my god, I’ve been putting the wrong links on my Twitter for like a year.”

Cad was very selective about who he told about Jamedi, and purposely didn’t tell Nott because he knew she’d tell others. Sam, trying to keep a straight face: “Nott’s nothing if not trustworthy.” He’s more surprised that Caduceus has figured that out already, given how little he knows about Nott. “Maybe it speaks less to Nott and more to Caduceus being judgey...” Taliesin clarifies that it wasn’t so much that Nott was untrustworthy, it was more than Nott couldn’t keep a secret. Sam, as a player, was shocked that the rest of the party didn’t instantly tell everyone that “we are being led through the jungle by a dead guy.” Taliesin points out that with two clerics (Brian: “well, a cleric and a battle Mercy”), they literally have a button they can push to make him go away if they need to.

Sam: “It seems like Fjord’s going into a real bad place without any information, and Nott’s there to support and make sure he doesn’t die, but it seems like a bad idea.” Taliesin: “This seems like a test of one’s soul, and Caduceus is on board but aware that this could go badly.” Taliesin also points out that the rest of the group isn’t aware of the creepiest stuff going on because they weren’t there for it.

Fanart of the Week: the group (sans Jester and Caduceus) inside Leomund’s Tiny Hut! 

Taliesin got recognized in public, and the fan immediately called out the two clerics for going off on their own in the middle of the night. Taliesin: “It was a good burn.”

Caduceus had some experience with fights pre-M9 (grave robbers, wildlife). Taliesin: “Have you ever seen Cemetery Man? Shit gets weird!”

There’s a brief interlude while everyone arranges a movie night. As you do.

Has Nott been feeling protective toward members of the Nein other than Caleb? Fjord is probably the next-likely candidate, followed by possibly Yasha. Sam: “Caduceus is just too tall.” Taliesin: “I feel that.”

Taliesin describes Lesser Restoration as “the aspirin of D&D”. He’s done some healing of illness before, but this has just been a bad time. Sam points out that in the last campaign they didn’t really have to deal with disease so much. “I assume it’s Bird Flu.”

Scanlan stealing the gun was messing with both Taliesin and Percy. Nott is interested in the mechanics of the gun, interested in the chemistry of gunpowder, and has already designed and manufactured one explosive arrow as a result. “But Nott has also noticed that there’s people with guns wherever they keep going, and it might be a good idea to have a gun. It’s a self-preservation thing. If that also happens to mess with Taliesin Jaffe, I’m not going to say no to that. I mean, the heart does what the heart does. If that happens as a result, we’ve all grown as people.”

They realize there’s about a four-foot height difference between Caduceus and Nott. Taliesin: “He squats.” Dani: “He’s got killer calves.”

Caduceus is very, very good at reading people. Nott doesn’t lie because of goblin upbringing, but more out of her travels with Caleb and having her first impulse to be to get out of any situation by lying to stall/delay/confuse. 

Taliesin: “Why lie to a plant?”

There’s a brief interlude about telling your plants inappropriate bodily measurements. As you... do? Brian: “I’m calling an Uber right now. I’m sorry. I’m done.”

Taliesin is collecting spells based mainly on what he can guess might be helpful. He doesn’t need a lot of damage-dealing, so focuses more on deflecting and healing. He’s picked out some feats he’s interested in to make Caduceus less likely to take damage. “That’s been a problem. I don’t like being hit.”

It is pointed out that all of Sam’s characters in the campaigns have had high intelligence and low wisdom. “That’s a pretty great winning combo for comedy.”

Legends of the Hidden Talks Machina:

Overwatch mains? Sam: “What’s a main?” Taliesin: “It’s like Quidditch...”

Taliesin is a support main, especially Zenyatta and Brigitte.

Brian is a D.Va main (woo!) and also plays a lot of Orisa.

Look, I gotta cheer on anyone who also mains D.Va. Those are the rules.

They agree that watching Sam play as Hanzo would be funny, but decide Roadhog would be the best. Sam: “Yeah. It’s Hog Noon. Is that what he says?” Brian: “Yep.”

What’s Matt’s character name?  Sam: “Tyrone McCabe.” Brian: “It’s close!”

Ghost stories? Taliesin: “I’ve been ghosted.” Sam: “I saw some raccoons in my backyard?” Taliesin: “I got attacked by a skunk when I was in my hot tub.”

Taliesin: “Now I’ve seen a ghost.” Past and present combine:

Taliesin has a 1930s stripey swimsuit, because of course he does.

What (harp music)-style sound cues would they have? Taliesin: The sound of building a temple in the original Warcraft. Sam: An... explosion? Brian: The sound of my mom’s tears because he never became a doctor. Taliesin: “I was thinking the Golden Girls intro.”

Goth advice for the week, courtesy of Taliesin: Best style eyeliner is eyeliner on day 2. Put on the eyeliner before the shower. Know if your choker’s loadbearing.

[rochellespen]

Watching Doctor Who Season 37 (Series 11), Episode One

I’ve been reluctant to talk about the newest season of Doctor Who publicly, despite being a fan for years, having run a Doctor Who blog at one time and now slowly integrating that fandom onto the main blog I use these days. It’s not because there was a point where I stopped being a fan, even though my interest isn’t always at its peak. No, it boils down to another reason.

I am one of those fans who was wary/skeptical about having a female Doctor.

This isn’t the most popular fandom opinion out there and to some extent, I can understand why. Far too many “fans” (and I use that term with reluctance) used the announcement of Jodie Whittaker’s casting to spew all sorts of horrible, sexist (if not downright misogynist) opinions along with expressing disdain for “progressive” people/ideas in general. It was an ugly display of the worst in fandom politics.

Sadly, these people seemed to become the “face” of fans who weren’t enthusiastic about a female Doctor and hey, who wants to be associated with jerks like that? I certainly didn’t. And I certainly didn’t feel like having to explain my own reasoning over and over again at best or at worst dealing with drama and arguments just because I have this view. 

So, I just...avoided the new season and any fandom things related to it. Didn’t watch the episodes. Didn’t check out one iota about the new season on social media. Didn’t read any issues of Doctor Who Magazine that could give away potential spoilers or details about the newest season. I remained blissfully unaware of the most current episodes of Doctor Who Heck, I didn’t even know the names of the new companions or any of the episodes. It wasn’t easy, but looking back on it, I’m glad I made that choice.

However.....

I still consider myself a Doctor Who fan. Having a female Doctor, while not my ideal choice, wasn’t going to invalidate all the years I spent watching both Classic and New Who, all the hours I listened to Big Finish audios or all the time spent reading comics/published spinoff novels and fic. Also, this isn’t the first time I haven’t agreed with a casting or story choice, although if there’s one constant to Doctor Who it’s that it’s always changing. 

So I’m always aware that, if you totally love something on the show or don’t care for it at all, it doesn’t really matter. Because it won’t be forever anyway. 

Although that said, none of my concern for this new season was due to the casting of Whittaker in particular mainly because I haven’t seen her in anything and can’t really comment on her abilities as an actress. That’s actually the same boat I was in for just about every other Doctor before I saw them on the series (with the exception of Patrick Troughton who I had seen in a couple of movies before seeing him as the Doctor). 

No, my concerns were totally focused on how the change to a female Doctor would be handled by the writers and directors of the show. It seemed like something that could become cringey and regrettable so easily if handled badly.

Still, I knew deep down that I would eventually want to watch the newest season anyway. However, I surprised myself when I realized all the ways I kept putting it off and I kept wondering why I was so reluctant to finally watch the new season.

Eventually, I think I understood why: because the reasons why I never wanted this development were still nagging at me. Would a female Doctor be treated more like a gimmick the same way the concept had been in EU media for years? Would we get vaguely sexist and/or transphobic jokes about how she had been a man before and “hurr hurr, she do lady things now”? Would the show start to head in a direction I dreaded, such as making it more about soapy romance drama rather than friends having adventures in time and space?

Putting aside my own fandom preferences isn’t always easy, but today I finally decided to say “heck with it” and take the plunge. 

This post is the first of a series where I’m going to reflect on my first impressions each episode of the season as I watch it and see if and how my opinions about these changes evolves.

So let’s get started with....

The Woman Who Fell To Earth (nice Bowie reference, by the way....)

Spoilers aplenty under this cut....

Episode thoughts

If you’re going to start a new era of Doctor who, you’re probably best off starting it with a story with plenty of action and emotional intensity. 

On that count, this opening episode fulfills this mission well. It starts out nicely by giving the audience a mini-mystery about these aliens and their intentions that unfolds at the same time that it does for the main characters. It only seems a little disjointed at first, but in classic Doctor Who style, the pieces come together quickly and even manage to give us a surprise or two at the end, such as how the Doctor can still maneuver things around to her advantage without us even realizing it. I even liked the framing device of Ryan talking about this amazing woman she knew and the twist that it wasn’t the Doctor....

Although....I honestly just knew that Grace was going to die long before the episode ended. The foreshadowing was just a bit thick although, I can forgive it though, because it’s still less heavy handed than I’ve seen elsewhere.

The pacing was great too, giving us the right mix of peril and action and quieter moments where we get to know these new companions and they, in turn, are getting to know this new Doctor (once again, in tandem with the audience which I like).

If I had one complaint, it’s that the alien threat was a bit too pat. A Predator-type villain that we’ve all seen before and didn’t really have anything new to offer here. Maybe if we had learned more about his race and society it would have come off more interesting. As it is...he’s the blue guy who hunts those “inferior races” and who also has his teeth fetish.....

I almost had a complaint about the episode continuing on after the resolution of the main story, but after thinking some more about it...no, I actually like that they took the extra time to show us more of these people’s lives and who the Doctor has become. It’s too easy to stick to the “fix problem and then *boom* goodbye” way of ending a Doctor Who episode, so kudos for taking a break from that format.

And I really was not expecting that sort of ending for the episode. So I guess we’re back to the Doctor accidentally kidnapping people then. XD And that was a solid cliffhanger at the end. I just hope they actually take the time to give it a satisfying resolution. 

Character thoughts

This is where I think the true meat of the episode was and rightly so as it’s a whole new TARDIS team.

I like these new companions. I like that they aren’t complete strangers to each other while also probably having huge gaps in how well they truly know each other. I also like that this is going to be a diverse set of people who have differences in age, gender, ethnicity and life experiences. 

What I also like is that these feel like actual people rather than ideas. Graham clearly is skeptical and critical, but also has good ideas and wants to help out. Ryan has a huge chip on his shoulder, but keeps on trying. Yasmin seems to get frustrated when things fly out of her control, but she adapts quickly to new situations. 

In other words, we’re given glimpses into how these people are flawed and yet good potential companions for a new Doctor trying to find herself.

And speaking of a new Doctor....

I really had no idea what to expect with Whittaker’s take on the role and thus, I knew whatever I got would be a surprise. My only hope was that it wouldn’t be something that would make me roll my eyes. Thankfully, the former turned out to be true and the latter turned out to be something I didn’t need to worry about.

With every new Doctor I watched while going through the series, there was this sort of “waiting” during their first episode/storyline. A holding period while I looked for a moment where the latest Doctor went from “ok, this is different” to “ok, this is the Doctor” for me. That scene where they just clicked into the role and made that incarnation their own.

That moment came for me while she was tinkering about trying to explain what regeneration was like. Some Doctors are more blase about it than others, but here, I think we got a look at Thirteen’s mindset with the honest, earnest way she talked about it....with the fun moment of eccentric levity at the end. 

It is different as far as the energy and personality....and yet, I was so comforted by how Doctor-y it felt to me. That and the moment where she managed to make a sonic screwdriver out of stuff she found around a guy’s shop space....

By the end of it, I was finally able to let go of the tense feeling of worrying if this would work out to being intrigued with what Thirteen would do next. I was even laughing (in that friendly way you do with characters you like) at the quirks that she appears to be cultivating for this incarnation. 

The Last Word

Overall, a solid, intriguing way to start this season. The writers have some interesting characters to work with and it looks like they are going to have the episodes have some connection to each other. Both of which have plenty of promise depending on how they are handled. 

Most of all though, I am happy to say that I’m looking forward to seeing more. And that is the outcome I was dearly hoping for. 

[toonstarterz]

Toonyoungster Watches: Pokémon The Movie: I Choose You ! (DUB)

SPOILER WARNING!! 

ALSO, CONSTRUCTIVE (NON-BASHING) CRITICISM OF THE DUB AHEAD...

Very few movies can resonate with me on a deeply, personal level. 

The latest Pokémon movie has that distinct honor. 

As a long-time Pokémon fan, seeing this movie in theaters was an absolute must. And apparently, I wasn’t the only one. The theater I went to see this was seriously packed. Kids, teens, and adults were all over the place, and I felt so honored that I could share this once-in-a-lifetime experience with people who love Pokémon as much as I do.

But what about the movie itself? To be honest, I don’t think I can review this movie wholly unbiased. A part of me loves this movie for reasons the average viewer rightfully won’t appreciate. That said, I’m going into this review not as a newcomer, but through the eyes of a lifelong Pokéani fan. And yes, I will be critiquing the dub here, for better or worse. 

Let’s start with the narrative. You all know the origin story of Ash and Pikachu, so I won’t be going too much there since it was largely the same as the first episode. What I’m talking about is everything past the 10 minute-mark. The story of how Ash Ketchum met Verity and Sorrel and their quest to find Ho-oh.

The first thing I wanna say is that this is a solid idea start to finish. The way Ash met Verity and Sorrel, the rivalry with Cross, the trials and tribulations they go through to find Ho-oh are all believable. It was hardly a complex story, but in this case, the simple goal of a lovably simple trainer is all you need. 

Now for my first criticism. The first that comes to mind was the pacing that made the movie seem a little too eager to get through the smaller parts in favorite of the bigger, heavier scenes. The problem with this is that these bigger scenes don’t have as much impact without the proper buildup. Butterfree’s goodbye felt a little hollow since we didn’t see much of the pokémon beyond its evolution scenes. The inclusion of the legendary dogs didn’t feel as meaningful since their connection with our three heroes seemed a little too convenient. 

Speaking of heroes, let’s talk about Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town. If there’s one thing I can give this movie full props for, it’s putting Ash Ketchum at the center of it. A movie where Ash is the true main character instead of just a face to put next to the marketable characters is what I’ve always wanted. Best of all, they actually have Ash go through some real development, and on an internal level no less. When he muttered that he wish he’d had a different starter, that gave me goosebumps since it’s so unlike the Ash we know now. But given that this is a reimagining of Ash at the start of his journey, it makes sense to characterize him this way. Kudos M20 for making this a true Ash Ketchum movie.

I believe a special mention goes to the dream sequence, which may be the most original thing the Pokémon movies has ever done. It’s essentially a world where Pokémon don’t exist, and Ash Ketchum is typical anime schoolboy. It really crossed into the uncanny valley of being so familiar yet also so wrong that I respect the writers for eliciting such an emotion out of me.

Props to Sarah Natochenny for giving her most impressive performance of Ash yet. She’s still rough around the edges, but you tell that she’s putting in real genuine emotion at the right moments. She’s come a long way.

Of course, you can’t talk about Ash without Pikachu. The yellow rat is just as much of a jerk at the start of film as we all expected. From spearow attack onwards, Pikachu’s personality does sort of plateau for the rest of the film, save for some key moments like the dream sequence. I will say this, though: Ikue Ohtani is spectacular when delivering Pikachu’s most emotionally driven moments. I honestly had chills during the “death” scene.

As for the “talking” scene...it could have been worse. I heard a few laughs of disbelief in the theatre so I know the seriousness didn’t resonate with everyone.  It felt like we were supposed to take it as a mental translation on Ash’s part, but the execution of it felt a little too far into reality. Good try.

Now for our side heroes, Verity and Sorrel. Note: If you looking for comparisons between them against Misty and Brock, you’ve come to the wrong review.

Verity, on all accounts, is a perfectly likeable heroine. She’s has a lot of the qualities that make her a good parallel for Ash: headstrong, spunky, earnest, empathetic, with a little fire in her. It certainly helps that she’s voiced by Suzy Myers, one of my top favorite voice actors in the dub. Thankfully, her backstory wasn’t overbearingly sad. It had just enough subtlety for the audience to sympathize with her. All in all, nothing groundbreaking, but just right for a movie appearance. 

Sorrel, on the other hand, I’m not afraid to admit I was sort of disappointed with. I get that he plays the “mature” role to Ash and Verity, and in that apartment, he’s a decent character. My issue is that it’s the only thing about him, so he didn’t have much character depth. There wasn’t really anything to offset his sensible personality, such as the quirks that “mature” characters like Brock and Cilan had. It certainly didn’t help that his voice actor, David Oliver Nelson, seemed to struggle giving him a good emotional range. Guess you can’t win them all. 

Then there’s our antagonist, the not-Damian Cross. He definitely plays the role of being everything that Ash isn’t, and in that regard, he’s a very good villain. I think my issue with Cross is not so much his personality, but by his character growth, which felt very textbook as far as rivals are concerned. He does effectively increase the tension whenever he’s on screen so I’ll give him that. At this time, I don’t know who voices him, but he seems to have some of the performance issues Nelson appears to have. Overall, a good rival that needed some refinement to be really great.

Bonji was obviously meant to be a representation of fans who’ve been with the franchise for twenty years. Not much to say about him except that he’s a fun addition, even if he is just a little more than a mouthpiece for the plot.

Our obligatory mythical Pokémon, Marshadow is...weird. Jumping from an observer to leading a genocide against humans was certainly an unexpected development, so I give the movie props for not giving yet another cutesy, pure-hearted legendary. But going back to the movie’s pacing issues, the jump from passive to active was just so fast, that it almost felt like a cop-out. If anything, Marshadow will be one of the more memorable pokémon the movies ever put out. 

Team Rocket...I love you guys, but even I can’t deny how insignificant you were to this movie. Being utter gag characters is fine in some cases, but in a 20th anniversary movie, you’d think Team Rocket would have more of a starring role. And it hurts even more since they had more significant roles in the last string of Pokémon movies. Better luck next time.

Technically speaking, this may be the most visually inspiring film to date. Seeing the landscapes of the Kanto region in such vibrant and immersive colors just blew my mind, and the lighting was absolutely impeccable to boot. The animation, to my surprise, exceeded my expectations. It was joyfully frenetic at the action scenes, and delightfully subdued in its quieter moments. I have nary a complaint in this regard.

And now for the most controversial part of my review: the music. Not gonna lie, I was one of the people who was really, really hoping they’d keep the Japanese soundtrack, and I was met with disappointment when my hopes were shot down. Now the dub soundtrack isn’t horrendous, mind you. It’s just that I personally am not a fan of Ed Goldfarb’s compositions–they lack variety and are emotionally muted in my opinion–though to be fair, this does feel like his better works compared to previous movies. I also really respect that they kept silence where it was essential. But for an anniversary movie, having the original tracks from the series just felt like an absolute must. I can only imagine just how much more glorious the movie sounds in the original.  

As I said before, this movie is a case of a really strong, really solid idea suffering from less than stellar execution. This is quite honestly, the most important Pokémon film in existence, as it very likely will affect how the anime and films will proceed from here. The inclusion of past traveling companions at the end was especially meaningful, because it told us that the writers do remember they exist, and that future appearances are not out of the question. It’s a tease, but a much desired one. 

While I may have expressed some disappointment in the dub, I can recognize that the cast and crew really put their heart into this one, which why I find its shortcomings to be more disheartening than aggravating. Despite its narrative constraints, it really did feel like the Pokémon team, both the original and dub, put so much more effort into giving us a Pokémon movie to remember. If I had to give this movie a hard rating it’d be a 7.5/10. Let’s hope that future Pokémon movies will be given just as much love as this one.

[arkhamcitysirens]

my thoughts on the batman and harley quinn movie

so i’ve just finished watching the latest dc animated movie, batman and harley quinn, and you’ve probably already heard it’s a pretty polarising movie. when it was over i didn’t really know how to feel. overall i’d say it wasn’t great and from a critical perspective it was absolutely awful, but personally i still enjoyed certain aspects... i made some notes???

the good

the animated series art style looked really nice here, especially since high definition has made it look a lot more refined and smooth (the coloring for harley’s shiny lipstick was one small thing that i thought looked super duper cool)

kevin conroy is, as always, a fantastic batman, and i also quite liked the new voice actress for ivy, paget brewster

the few jokes which are actually funny are REALLY funny- in particular, i loved the booster gold phone call scene and harley’s breakdown over the ‘veggie apocalypse’

harley’s characterisation is pretty decent, and i appreciated that she got to stand up for herself and show that she can be smart and strategic whilst also being ridiculous most of the time... she gets to complain about how she’s been treated before too and how oversexualised she often is, which is a nice touch, although it doesn’t really make sense in the context of this particular film where she’s oversexualised anyway

there are some nice character building moments for harley, like when she discusses how difficult it’s been for her to reform and ‘go straight’ because nobody actually wants to help her be better. i loved that the film took into consideration what life would actually be like if harley really did try to turn her life around.

the opening credits are absolutely ADORABLE and god i love them so much... they’re the best part of the entire film which is unfortunate but like they’re so good!!!

plenty of easter eggs pop up throughout the film, mostly related to the animated dc universe, which is cool for dedicated fans to see!

harley goes through a few awesome costume changes, including a new 52-style dress, a really cute coat with her hair in bunches, and the classic jester costume which looks great (except the collar looks a little off sometimes)- i was so happy to see the blonde pigtails back because they are SO GOOD

there’s no explicit mention of harlivy here (of course) but there’s also no joker whatsoever, except for one brilliant passing line where harley mentions the “only good thing I ever got from that asshat” was joker venom. also the ending features a very sweet reconciliation between harley and ivy that i thought was wonderful!

the bad

melissa rauch is... a truly awful harley quinn... she doesn’t make the role FUN. she says everything in a snarky, oversaturated, whiney brooklyn accent and she’s missing that sing-songy sound that makes harley HARLEY, so we’re left with a character who’s supposed to be the life of the party that instead just sounds permanently pissed

the animation looks BAD. characters don’t blink, and they usually don’t move unless they’re talking either, plus background characters are almost always motionless- when characters are moving, it looks stiff and awkward, and a lot worse than even the 90s show this film is paying tribute to, which is a real shame

as for the storyline, the btas episode ‘harlequinade’ did it so much better, and this is essentially a very drawn-out version of that plot line, replacing the villain of joker with poison ivy instead

there are a lot of issues with the tone of the movie- it jumps around from stupid, flamboyant comedy, to serious and mature, to choppy action movie. it doesn’t sit well in any genre or with any audience. i think dc tried to please every type of batman/harley fan here and it results in a serious mishmash that i don’t think really pleases anybody.

the film is super short, clocking in at barely seventy minutes, and yet it’s still jam packed with filler content. i recall one bizarrely long segment where random people off the street were asked of harley’s whereabouts, all giving fairly generic replies and all saying “no”, and this scene went for at least an entire minute

most of the humour is frankly unfunny. i’m jotting down the worst line in the whole movie as the line “it’s not bad... smells like discipline”, spoken by batman when harley farts. it’s childish humour which doesn’t even make sense- an extended scene where harley farts! that’s the entire joke! it’s stupid and pathetic, and it makes it even more polarising when one minute the humour is bathroom jokes for toddlers, then the next it’s crass comedy about how nightwing got a boner. yep, that’s another joke that actually happens.

nightwing and harley sleep together and it’s not exactly non-consensual, but it also didn’t come off as a very positive thing ever because nightwing kind of agreed but not really and it just wasn’t great and also it’s just classic bruce timm again feeling the need to make random characters from your childhood have sex so he can get himself off i guess

even though harley gets to talk about how guys are always taking advantage of her body, which is cool, this movie pulls out all the stops on oversexualising her anyway! think many, MANY shots of her ass, plenty of focus on the fact she does in fact have boobs, and of course bruce timm’s insistence that she randomly straddle nightwing so they can have sex

swamp thing appears at the end and i felt like i was missing a big joke the entire time. was this a reference to something? was it some kind of humour i didn’t understand? honestly, i just think it was supposed to be funny that he appeared out of the blue, but it wasn’t?

the strange and uncertain

harley sings ‘hanging on the telephone’ by blondie? for no apparent reason? it’s clearly filler, and it sounds fucking awful (thanks melissa rauch), but somehow i still thought it was kinda cool even though it felt extremely out of place and really served... no purpose whatsoever

actually most of the bar scene is really weird, harley gets her random musical number but so do some other c-grade villains from other dc shows you’ll spot if you’re a huge fan of the animated universe, it’s filler again but i think people will appreciate the little easter eggs in what is mostly an okay, fun scene

harley works at ‘superbabes’, which is pretty much the dc universe equivalent of hooters but instead the waitresses all dress up skimpily like female superheroes... at first i thought that was just more bruce timm bullshit but when they delved into WHY harley couldn’t get a decent job, i appreciated this scene a lot more

i don’t know how to feel about ivy’s overall characterisation in this because she was very restricted by jason woodrue, and she also had SERIOUS punch up with her GIRLFRIEND hhh... but the fight was justified i guess and the resolution is really nice... i’m very torn over ivy’s portrayal really and i think it’s something everyone will react to differently (she did use a lot of language i don’t think pam would use e/g i can’t imagine her saying ‘crap’ and ‘we’re screwed’ but she does anyway... not sure why but it just really doesn’t sound right for her?)

loren lester is supposed to be the Iconic nightwing but he sounds stupid in comparison to melissa rauch as harley, especially since his voice takes you back to the 90s and most of this film is fairly rooted in the now. i love that this movie is such a throwback to btas but in this case, i’m not sure loren lester was the best fit

the ending is extremely abrupt and mostly played for laughs, which a lot of people don’t like, but i actually didn’t mind it? i thought it was really funny and cute and a pretty fair resolution to the problem (basically harley just suggests they take the easy way out and set the Floronic Man on fire, because hey, he’s made out of leaves right?) the aftercredits scene was the bigger problem imo because it had no connection to anything in the film, wasn’t all that funny and didn’t seem to have any purpose (although i could say that about most of this movie tbh)

ultimately for some reason i still enjoyed this movie, and i’d probably watch it again, but it had a lot of issues and i wish it could have been the movie harley deserves. also i never want to hear melissa rauch as harley again. if you’re a big harley fan, i’d recommend giving this a watch, because there are some cool moments, but otherwise, give it a miss.

[screamingtofu]

guess what buddy??? do all of them. from the one you reblogged from me

I should’veexpected that, but I’m a weenie. I’d already answered a couple of them but Ican’t think of a better use of my afternoon at work so let’s do this thing.

1.Do youwant a boyfriend or girlfriend?

I dunno, I’mstill getting used to the whole being asexual thing and am just not a fan oftouching in general. I would love the shit out of new friends though. Neverturn down the opportunity to make friends.

2.When didyour last hug take place?

Maybe amonth or two ago, housemate was going through a tough time with his most recentex and I think it was just like a floodgate had broken in him and it physicallyhurt me to not comfort him and I knew there wasn’t anything I could say to makehim feel better … So I hugged the shit out of him.

3.Are you ajealous person?

A coupleyears ago, yeah I was pretty bad. Then I started figuring shit out about myselfand I’m a lot more chill now.

4.Are youtired right now?

Combinationof poor sleeping habits and a near constant level of stress has left me lookinglike I have two black eyes. We had some corporate pictures taken last year andI looked fucking alien after they’d photoshopped them out.

6.Have youever been called a tease?

I don’tthink so, at least not in the way I think this question is supposed to betaken.

7.Have youever been awake for 48 hours straight?

I have. A coupleof years ago I wrecked my back and ended up not being able to move for maybe aweek or two without excruciating pain and because I tend to wriggle around inmy sleep you can bet your arse that didn’t happen. I ended up watching a lot ofvery bad movies on Netflix and shaving my head due to delirium.

8.Do you cryeasily?

No. I am anemotional fortress except when it’s someone elses pain. Then I’ll cry myfucking eyes out.

9.Whatshould you be doing right now?

I’mliterally at work, surrounded by developers and one very annoying sales personfrom interstate. There are so many things I should be doing right not. But I’malso here for 2 hours after everyone leaves so I get a chance to rocket througheverything without distraction.

10.Are you aheavy sleeper?

If I amtired enough, satan himself cannot awaken me.

11.Do youthink you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

I amentirely unsure. It would depend on what the other person wanted out of therelationship. If it was a completely non sexual relationship than hell yeah. Superfriendship, technically I’ve been doing that for the past 5 years since I movedto Melbourne.

12.Are youmad at someone right now?

Nah, I neverreally get mad at people. I got better things to waste my very tiny well ofemotions on.

13.Do youbelieve in love?

Hell yeah.Love is super rad and I’m glad I’m finally getting to express that for people.

15.Who wasthe last person you talked to?

IT Managerat work. We’re trying to figure out why the mail server is not sendingautomated emails anymore. Also he’s bugging me to bring some of my xbone gamesin for the console they’re hooking up in the office.

16.Do youget butterflies around the person you like?

No? But thenI’ve never really experienced the whole thing where you see someone and feelnervous. Either I’m hanging out with people I’m already comfortable with or I’mmeeting new possible friends. There is no in between.

17.Will youget married?

Unless itwas for some kind of tax benefit … eh probably not.

19.Doesanyone like you?

I have noidea. Sometimes when I go out with friends, they’ll say something afterwardsabout how so and so was trying to flirt with me and I have to really thinkbecause fuck I thought they just really wanted some nachos or something.

20.Do yousecretly like someone?

Not in theway this question is thinking.

21.Who wasthe first person you talked to today?

My Manager,big bearded Englishman named Rob who likes to shitstir almost as much as I do.He’d called me over to try and look into why something was duplicating and alsoto confirm if we could charge a client $10,000 for something.

22.Who doyou feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Housemate,but I’m always open for conversation.

23.What areyou NOT looking forward to?

Trying toget in shape so I don’t die in the next 5 years.

24.What AREyou looking forward to?

Getting asweet robot body because I lived that far. Also when people start talking aboutsomething they’re really passionate about, I live for those moments.

25.Hassomeone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

Probably?All my partners were great people and there was always a connection there. So I’dassume it was genuine.

26.Supposeyou see your ex kissing another person what would you do?

Think “goodfor you” and then keep going unless they wanted to catch up.

27.Do youplan on moving out within the next year?

Nah, myhouse is awesome. Needs some repairs, but it’s great.

28.Are you aforgiving person?

I try to be.I used to be really angry and confused about a lot of stuff, but as I’ve gottenolder I’ve realised that holding onto grudges is just draining and you getnothing out of it.

29.How manyTRUE friends do you have?

How the crapdo I qualify a true friend? Like, do I know they physically exist and have seenthem with my own eyes? I dunno 10?

30.Do youfall for people easily?

I genuinelyhave no idea how to answer this.

31.Have youever fallen for your ex’s best friend?

Here’s apoem I wrote after people were getting defensive because I didn’t want to fuckany of the characters from Mass Effect.

I will notfuck them out in space, I will not fuck them based on race.

I will notfuck them here or there, I will not fuck them anywhere.

I will notfuck them in a bed, I will not fuck them like I said.

It’s nothingpersonal for you see, my dude = asexuality

32.What’sthe last thing you put in your mouth?

Waterbottle, gotta love me some o that delicious h20

33.Who wasthe last person you drove with?

Last personI was in a car with was an Uber driver. I was her 4th ever pick up.She was cool, we basically talked about Orange is the New black the whole wayhome and other stuff to watch on Netflix.

34.How latedid you stay up last night and why?

Like 1AM.Was chatting with a friend about the latest episode of critical role they’dfinished and they were feeling things.

35.If youcould move somewhere else, would you?

Nah, I’mgood where I am.

36.Who wasthe last person you took a picture of?

Besides thestupid selfies I occasionally take, I think it was a cricket player on abillboard who I thought looked like someone made a wax version of Ryan Reynoldsand left him out in the sun

37.Can youlive a day without TV?

Yeah sure,that’s one of the reasons I took up knitting.

38.When wasthe last time you were extremely disappointed?

Mid Novemberlast year, Paul Dini, the dude who helped create the animated batman series wasgiving a talk in the city and I completely spaced on getting a ticket. Would’vebeen great to meet him and hear him talk about writing.

41.What isyour all-time favorite romance movie?

I dunno.Maybe Porco Rosso. Helps you learn that sometimes you just need to say nobecause people are shit.

42.Do youbelieve that everyone has a soul-mate?

Yeah, Iguess. I think there’s someone out there who you just click with. Sometimes there’smore than one, you just need to keep looking.

43.What’syour current problem?

The clutchon my bike will occasionally not come in all the way when I’m trying to go fromfirst to second and gets stuck in neutral so I need to completely let it go andthen reengage. Drives me nuts.

44.Have youever had your heart broken?

Nah, I’m toomuch of a weenie and try to reconcile all my relationships.

45.Yourthoughts of long distance relationships?

I think they’relessened with the internet and social media because you can still talk soeasily and while I don’t have the whole “I miss being physically around you”thing I can understand it would be hard to continue with the shade of someonethat comes from a long distance relationship because there’s so much you wouldmiss.

46.How manykids do you want to have?

Not a fan ofthe whole baby making thing, wouldn’t mind adopting 1 or 2 if I ever had thechance though.

47.Have youever found it hard to tell someone you like them?

Nah, Ialways went for friend level first and then because of things I never reallyunderstood at the time just ended up going on dates that I thought were justlike friends hanging out and then things happen and I end up going out on moredates and then things happen. *shrugs*