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#God Consciousnesss
mysticalblizzardcolor · 8 months
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Listen/purchase: Deva Lounge: Deva Premal Remixed by Deva Premal
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#RamDass #BereHereNow #Meditation #quotes #QuotesAboutLife #QuotesOfTheDay #SpiritualAwakening #Awareness #NYC #Brooklyn #Queens #Bronx #StatenIsland #LongIsland #WashingtonDC #USA #Love #Peace #Bliss #God #Joy #Harmony #GodConsciousness 
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imeverywoman420 · 1 year
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This is entirely non judgemental please don't think im judging you im not at all i love you!!!!! Why do you want to love your bf more than he loves you?
this is a great ask. And because its a big serious matter of the heart and something i spent like 20 mins trying to answer inactually decided to just listen to my HEART!!! And this is all Stream Of Consciousnesss.
idk you know tjat song i wanna be your dog. Thats always been such a romantic song to me like not in the literal sense im not into. Dog sex roleplay LMAO. but like. My old manager i used to flirt with said he felt like i looked at him like he was a god. Thats my favorite thing. In the world. Is going 🥺 :3 :o
in my romantic dreams im a born sexy yesterday feral girl in the woods that stalks him bc hes so pretty and im shy. And like. Feral lol. And ive been lost and traumatized and im scared. And he picks the leaves out of my hair and washes the mud off my face and domesticates me. WAIT OOOOOFNSJDUENEN THE LITTLE MERMAID. THE LITTLE MERMAID.
I JUST WANNA BE TREATED LIKE A PET IDK BUT LIKE. A MAGICAL PET NOT A LITERAL DOG??? Likeeeee. Uhhh. A computer that came to life thats a sexy lady. A haunted dolll!!!!!!
Not one of you weird sex hating ghouls better say anything to me. You all wanna femdom and peg and sexually beat up men until the cows come home. How come only men get to be pathetic nowadays. God forbid women do anything.
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saiilorstars · 4 years
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Falling in Temptation
Previous chapters • Sequel to Stars Dance •  Fairy Tale Memoirs (Companion story)
Ch. 22: Finding Each Other
Fandom: Doctor Who // Pairing: 11th Doctor x OFC
Chapter summary: The Scream makes his final play against the travelers, leaving them trapped in his own personal world. Only Avalon and the Doctor seem to mildly remember that perhaps the lives they live now aren't correct.
Taglist: @ocfairygodmother @anotherunreadblog @maaaaarveeeeel​ @stareyedplanet @perfectlystiles
[If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]
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Disclaimer: The arc is part of an actual comic story that I’ve rewritten to fit the story here! But the essential plot and part of the dialogue belongs to the comics!
Avalon ran as fast as she could through the 'forest' that now was the TARDIS. She could hear it hissing behind her, coming to get her. It was all too much like the…
"AAAH!" She screamed when the Scream itself jumped in front of her, all dressed in a white suit and looking far bigger than the last time they met.
Her eyes widened.
He's what they met shortly after the Silence in 1969. "I...I remember you. It's you. I...I forgot you, just like with the Silence." She stepped away from it. "It's you who's been following us. How could...how could I just forget that!?"
Lena had brought them back to Earth because of a mysterious letter with coordinates. They traveled to the planet where they bumped into the ugly thing who nearly sucked out hers and the Doctor's memories to create the Sapling! She just...she just forgot all about that! She forgot the Scream was still coming for them. How could she forget something like that!?
"I wassss folllowing the Doctor, not hissss pet!"
Avalon frowned. "I am more than a 'pet'. But you would know about that, huh? Your Silence brethren haven't left me the hell alone!"
"I witnessssed your capture...your trrrrrips...Koooovarian…" Avalon swallowed hard as she took a few more steps away. "They arrrrre not doooone with yourrrr family."
"I should've known, you're part of them!"
"Nooooo!" the Silence seemed to shout. "They know noooothing offf meee! They cannot rrrrremmember me!"
Right, it was why he was an special type of Silence. Not even his own kind could remember him.
"That must suck," Avalon could say that honestly. "Not even your own kind can remember you? Must be lonely." The Scream seemed to stop for a moment, staring at her through its hole-eyes.
"Avalon!" Rory stumbled into the clearing. His eyes eyes widened at the sight of the Scream. "I remember you!"
"Yeah, its super power made us forget he was chasing us down the galaxies!" Avalon quickly rushed to his side.
The Scream fired purple electricity at them, forcing them to break into another run. "I ammmm the Screeeeam! I exisssst! Don't turn yourrrr back on meeee!"
The two kept running and running until they could hear Amy's frantic voice paired with the Doctor's. They crashed into them, actually, knocking them to the grassy ground.
"I found you!" Avalon beamed at the Doctor. She had fallen over him but didn't seem to mind the harsh crash.
"Are you alright?" the Doctor sat upright and kept a tight hold around her. After the Sapling sprouted roots, the whole TARDIS went haywire...but at least they were still together, litrealy. The box was still together.
"Yeah, Rory and I were running from…" Avalon trailed off with a curious expression taking her face over. "Never mind."
"Doctor, where are we?" Amy took Rory's hand to stand back up, prompting the other pair to do the same. She had been running from something, or she was just running, and she stumbled into the spot where the Doctor was.
"Still in the TARDIS of course! And good news: the Sapling's mature form is mnemomimetic! It's literally turning our stolen memories into fruit!"
Avalon blinked, her eyes drifting to the funny looking branches hanging from above. Some of them seemed to be shaped like people. "You mean...my memories are...hanging all around us?"
"Yours, but mostly mine! I have a lot!" the Doctor didn't look as bothered by her. He grabbed her hand and motioned for them to follow him. He brought them down the 'forest' into a room resembling their console room, only this one was covered in moss, branches and leaves. "Okay, well I still haven't found a console room with power. My shiny new one's been completely swamped by the Sapling's root system."
"But...but the TARDIS is stable at least, right?" Amy shot him a look. That was the whole point of the Sapling sprouting his roots. Not a minute after asking, the branches around them started to grow more, some of them wrapping around Rory's arms.
"Hey!" he frowned and fought to free himself. Amy quickly hurried to help him.
"No, no! Stop!" the Doctor frantically called as if the Sapling could still hear then. He...wasn't sure if the Sapling could hear him. His hearts sank. He wasn't sure where the Sapling was or if he still was around. "If the Sapling doesn't stop growing then the dimensional dams will break entirely. If that happens then all the 'bigger on the inside' will continue leaking, taking the Sapling - and our memories - with it."
"We can't let that happen," Avalon quickly said, not even speaking for their memories. The Sapling was waiting for them to find him. "We're going to get to him before any of that happens!"
"Of course we are!" the Doctor nodded but then quietly admitted he wasn't sure how to go along with it.
"Uuh...Doctor? There's a corridor," Amy said, making them turn in her direction. She was pointing at a metal corridor that hadn't been there when they first walked in. It was wide open for them.
"But it's new," Avalon said. The metal wasn't covered with any moss or branches.
"If I know my TARDIS, she's desperately trying to contain the Sapling's roots so we can find a clean console room," the Doctor squeezed Avalon's hand still holding his. "She's literally shifting her own internal organs around."
Avalon could literally feel her heart cracking. "The TARDIS is doing that for us?" She pulled him into the corridor and stopped to look around. "She must be in agony."
"She is," the Doctor knew it. He gently touched the walls and thanked the TARDIS for soldiering on for them. They needed to solve this quickly.
The group hurried down the corridor and found a brand new console room...to them. For the Doctor, it brought out a small nostalgic laugh. "I can't quite believe it's still here after all these years." The console room was the very first one he had back in his first incarnation.
"What, this is actually a real console?" Rory looked around without seeming that impressed by it. It didn't really look like the Doctor, but then again there were so many versions of the man. Maybe this one represented whatever version used it.
"She knows me better than I know myself but she didn't back then," the Doctor came up to the console with Avalon. "That's why she gave me this beautiful blank canvas to begin with."
"And then you proceeded to draw all over it with crayons," Avalon innocently said, meeting the Doctor's sarcastic frown with a smirk.
"It was a foundation! A promise! With every regeneration she gets to know me a little bit better! The adventures we had in here though, the ones I can remember anyways. Monoids, Aridians, Voord, Krotons…"
"There are aliens named after stale bread?" Amy raised an eyebrow, genuinely making Avalon and Rory burst into laughter.
"No!" the Doctor huffed. "Well, yes, actually but these are spelled differently. Krotons are nasty, crystalline mental energy vampires! Oh...oh, I'm getting so slow in my old age! I once used the H.A.D.S. to save the TARDIS from the Krotons!"
"H.A.D.S.?" Avalon made a face. "What the hell is that?"
"Hostile Action Dispersal System. It's a defense mechanism which temporarily distributes the TARDIS' atoms over a wide area - or teleports it - when a breach is imminent."
"And why is that useful to us right now?" Rory inquired.
"If I can convince the TARDIS that the breach threat is internal before I activate the H.A.D.S., then it'll dematerialize around the Sapling, effectively separating them!"
"That could work!?" Avalon jumped on the chance.
"Hold on there mister!" Amy suddenly pointed a finger at the man. "If the TARDIS does that then it'll leave all of us outside in space! Last time I checked, none of us are space-proof!"
"I was getting to that!" the Doctor huffed. Honestly, did they think he would forget that detail? He moved around the console, and gently tapped the glass time rotor. 'Hello? I know you're busy trying to contain the Sap...the infection, but I have a plan. If you can give me any manual control, then I promise I'll get all of us out of this in one piece!"
"Did you just call the Sapling an infec-" Avalon was cut off by a strong, glowing white light erupting from the Time Rotor.
If the TARDIS believed it was an infection causing this mess then she would definitely agree to giving some control back to them.
The Doctor cheered. "That's my girl! To think, if it hadn't been for that very timely intervention, I'd have borrowed a crummy old Type 53 instead!"
Avalon raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so somebody helped you steal the TARDIS? You had an accomplice!"
"Doctorrrrr," the Scream emerged from the branches on the wall. "You mmmmemoriesss will keep the wood from ssswallowing my consciousnesss whole! Ssssurender to me or you pets diiiie!"
"He really needs to stop calling me a 'pet' or so help me!" Avalon snapped.
"Oh my God, I remember him," Amy blinked behind them. She and the Doctor were going through the same realization that they'd forgotten all about the Scream coming after them. That was the thing about the Scream, it's what made him extra deadly. All on his own, he had the power to make his enemies forget he was hunting them down.
"You remember evvverything," the Scream came closer to them.
The Doctor jumped in front of Avalon, putting on his best grin. "Hello! I'm the Doctor, lovely day, isn't it? And you are?"
"What!? I ssstole some of your memmmoriesss! I know you, Doctor! Yet you dare mmmock me? You maaaake light of my pain!?"
"Pain?" frowned Rory. "Has he seen what he's caused!?"
The Scream seemed to grow in size. White steam was billowing from its body. "You willll pay for thisss insult, Doctor! I have the your TARDISSSS and the Sssapling, my plan issss complete!"
The Doctor's grin dropped from his face to be replaced by a glower. "You're the Scream. You're part of the religious order. And you're angry because no one remembers you." But if anything, it should be afraid of him. He was part of the Silence and the Doctor still remembered what he promised to do if he ever saw another Silence again.
They would die for hurting his Ava.
"You will know when I have all the endless memmmories of your TARDISSS core. I shall use the Sssapling to ssspread across the universe and all will know mmy nnname!"
The Doctor raised an eyebrow at the Scream. "You want to be remembered? Then earn it. You know what your kind never get?" Avalon watched his hands reach back for the console and she stepped closer to hide his arm movements. "You think by some terrible act or other that your name will go down in infamy. When, really, even if you succeed in whatever plan you've cooked up, people are just going to pity you. They might even despise you, if you give them reason to. The Sapling's an innocent, scared child. He has the potential to be anything, absolutely anything so leave him be!"
The Scream stayed silent for a moment, almost looking like he was considering the Doctor's words, but then…
He struck his white energy towards Avalon. She screamed and fell back with her eyes shut.
"AVALON!" the Doctor turned completely for the console to activate the H.A.D.S.
Amy and Rory wanted to get Avalon up but the energy around her enveloped her. She writhed in pain with her eyes still shut. She was seeing so many images in her mind at the moment, all of them rushing as light speed like a movie. She couldn't tell most of them apart but...some of them were of her time with Kovarian.
Not those. I don't want to see those!
But suddenly, the Scream was forced to stop. The H.A.D.S. was in full motion! The TARDIS was groaning altogether, pushing the Scream away. Avalon sucked in a sharp breath once she was set free, but her mind was far too frazzled to understand what was happening. Amy and Rory quickly snagged up their granddaughter from the ground, keeping her between them.
"Doctor, what's happening!?" Amy exclaimed just before the TARDIS properly exploded.
The last of the TARDIS' energy went into shielding everyone while they drifted in space. The Doctor was barely able to use his sonic to bring everything back together...everyone. And when they joined together again, a certain pair joined together, combining memories and branches and Silence all together.
~ 0 ~
Avalon's eyes snapped open as she woke with a sharp gasp. She sat upright on her bed, her eyes scanning her bedroom like there was something she was going to find…
"Avalon?" She heard Lena knocking on the door. "Avalon! You need to wake up! Mels, Amy and Rory are going to be here in one hour!"
Avalon blinked for a few seconds before slowly getting out of bed. "I'm...I was sleeping…" She whispered and cast a glance at the bed. Why was she repeating that? Yes, of course, she was sleeping. It was night time, so she slept. That's what she always did. She shook her head without thinking.
NO.
She stiffened. "Where'd that come from?"
"Avalon!" Lena knocked, or banged, on the door again. "Seriously! We're going to be late! Mum and Dad are already eating breakfast!"
"Mum?" Avalon whispered. "My...my Mum?"
Lena groaned and Avalon heard her stomping away. Why was she acting so weird? Yes, her parents made breakfast. That's what they always did. And...and she had plans today. Yes, yes, just like always.
She came up to her window to check for the weather. It looked like a lovely day. The sun was shining so brightly, reflecting beautifully on the far-off Citadel's dome. Avalon stared at it for a moment more, wondering why it was only that city that had a dome.
Becausssse it's a higher part of the town.
Avalon gasped at the new sound. She looked around and then a moment later thought herself a fool. Who else could have spoken to her? It was just her in her room.
~ 0 ~
Avalon came into the kitchen to see Emmalina Reynolds coming to the table with a new pile of pancakes that Rylan and Gavin were practically ready to devour. Lena chuckled as her mother smacked Gavin's hand away from the plate until it was set on the table.
"Honestly, you act like I never feed you!" Emmalina sighed until she saw Avalon at the threshold. "Good morning. You slept well!"
"Just like always," Lena added. "Wish we all slept like Avalon."
But Avalon didn't speak, nor move. She was staring at Emmalina with eyes wide. She felt something in her stomach, something like...like she wanted to throw up.
Look!
"Avalon," Emmalina softly called. "Are you alright?"
Avalon blinked and realized there was something on her face. When she touched her cheek, she found a tear. She was crying. Why was she doing that?
From the kitchen window, the Scream silently watched the Reynolds 'family'. The girl was stronger than he anticipated. Her mind was trying to warn her that the setting was fake, but why? He expected such a thing from the Doctor, but this girl? He would just have to keep manipulating all the memories he had, and since he and the Sapling were joined now...he had plenty of memories to draw from.
~ 0 ~
Avalon and Lena came skipping down the front steps of their home to where Amy, Rory and Mels were waiting for them.
"Took you long enough," Mels huffed. "Seriously, what took you so long?" Avalon tilted her head at Mels. Seeing the stare she now claimed, Mels arched an eyebrow at her. "What?"
"She probably recognizes her dress," Amy joked and shared a laugh with Lena and Rory.
"I borrowed it!" Mels exclaimed.
"Right!"
"I...like your hair," Avalon's hand came to rest over her own hair. Mels' hair was as curly as hers, but more ashy brown of course.
Mels smiled like she already knew her hair was good. "Thank you, sweetie. And just so we're clear, this is your dress."
"Avalon, what's the matter with you?" Lena spared her sister a weary glance before talking to the others. "She's been acting so weird today, it's not funny."
"Ah, she's just sad she couldn't find a date for the concert!" Mels came over to put her arm around Avalon's shoulders. "It's alright, I'm sure we'll find you someone to go home with."
"Mels!" Lena, Amy and Rory all chorused with the same groans.
Avalon, however, flinched at the idea of it. "I wouldn't," she said all too certain as well. Something about going home with someone...didn't settle right. It gave her that feeling of throwing up again.
"Let's just go before we're late," Rory motioned them to start walking.
Somewhere along the way, Avalon moved so that she was walking with Amy instead. There was something nagging in the back of her head, making her believe that perhaps Amy could help her out. "Hey Amy, do you ever get the feeling that...that something's kind of off?"
Amy made a face at the question. "Off? Like what?"
"I don't know," Avalon shrugged. "Like...like there's something you're missing?"
"Don't think so…" And yet, as Amy answered she began to look away. Avalon noticed it and thought that maybe she would change her answer. But just like that, Amy shook her head. "Nah! I think you're just tired!"
"No, I...I've been sleeping a lot, actually." Avalon thought that was pretty weird. Sleeping...a lot. She did that a lot, right?
"Yeah, and talking in your sleep from what Lena says," Amy chuckled. "You've been dreaming about someone, huh? Some nice fella out there that's caught your eye?"
Avalon blinked. "What? No I haven't!"
"Yeah, you have!" Lena chimed in from behind. "I bet it was some princess stuff cos you kept saying 'Fairy Tale Man' over and over."
"Oh," Avalon came to an automatic stop, even though she had no idea why. Something was sparking in her mind...a faint image. A man. She saw a man.
"What's wrong now?" Lena groaned.
"I thought I saw someone...in my head," Avalon brought a hand to her forehead. She rubbed her skin in hopes of getting that image back. "A-a man. He…"
"Ha, I knew it!" Mels laughed. "Avalon's thinking of her dream man!"
"Aren't we all?" Amy said, only to have Rory huff at her.
"Husband!"
Amy laughed and went along with him. "Right!"
"I swear Avalon, we'll find you a boyfriend by tonight," Mels promised, never noticing the way Avalon's face crinkled.
Something about the term 'boyfriend' didn't sit well with her.
~ 0 ~
"I can't put my finger on it but something's just not quite right about this place...this city." A homeless man maneuvered himself through the plant matter - er, forest - as best as he could. He was sure that if he kept pulling on one of those branches there would be something underneath it. The forest just didn't look right to him.
You need to ressst, that'ssss all. Too many adventuressss.
The man stopped. He had broken a part of a branch and stared at it, like something was supposed to be coming back to him. "You might be right. Perhaps I've been pushing it a bit." The man allowed for the Scream to take the branch from him. "What would I do without you, old friend?"
The creature was his only friend on the streets. He didn't have anything else, anyone else. Although, it was funny because he kept thinking of this woman...he couldn't quite see her but he could think of her. And he could smell her too if he really concentrated. Lavender. She smelled like lavender. Lovely scent. But she was probably just a dream. He dreamt someone up to make him feel less lonely.
"You would losssse yourssself in the night. Don't you thiiiink you look ttttired? Let'ssss go to the ssshelter? Get a hott meall." the Scream pulled him out his thoughts. That was the problem with the Doctor: he thought too much. The girl, while more aware, was more malleable. He didn't need to physically appear to her, much less the other two travelling with them. Those two were puppets.
The Doctor stopped to look at himself in a reflection. Funny, there was a mirror amongst all the plant matter. His eyes widened. He didn't quite like the beard on him but he liked his hat. Although, maybe it should've be more red and a bit more bowl shaped. What were those things called again?
"Maybe I do feel tired," he realized when his thought once again drifted to the woman. For some reason, he didn't think she would like that red hat he imagined. "I feel like there's a fog in my mind. Like something's just out of reach but you can't recall what. But there's still so much to see out there! I've never seen a Star Whale keening for its mate! I've never seen a sycorax ship deploy its faith coils to pray its way out of a gravitation blizzard!"
Doctorr, weee talked about thisss. You delusssionesss...
The Doctor stopped and exhaled. "I...was making things up again, wasn't I? Maybe Avalon could write them down for stories…" He trailed off, where did that come from?
The Scream ushered the Doctor away from the plant matter. One more pull of a branch and he would've discovered a hidden console underneath it. But now there he went again naming that pet! "All nonsensssse. No one else is hhhhere. It'ssss jussst you and meee, rememberrrr? Besides, every adventurrrer is rrrright heeere where you left it. Out here, on the streets."
The Doctor stared at the city ahead of them. Tears came to his eyes. There was a whole big city and he had no one to see it with. He would wander the streets on his own all day. "Yes, yes, of course. I don't need a home. I never did." He had no home.
Funny, that woman he kept thinking of would be a nice someone to see that city with, but she wasn't real.
~ 0 ~
Music blared, leaving ears ringing but no one cared. The crowd cheered and sang along to the music.
Except for Avalon. She was more preoccupied with the crowd itself. Everyone seemed to be having a good time but she couldn't help think that some of them...were just weird. It wasn't a nice thought at all, she knew, but the more she stared the more she couldn't shake the feeling off.
There was a metal man, for starters, bobbing his head to the music. Avalon felt like she should be afraid and yet...no one else seemed concerned. Then there was this lady who was all gray and her skin seemed kind of hard. For a moment, Avalon thought the woman should be covering her face.
Sssstop looking.
Avalon snapped her head behind her, as if the hissing voice would be right behind her. Where did that keep coming from!?
"Avalon, what are you doing!?" Amy laughed and pulled Avalon closer to her. "Sing along! He's singing your favorite song: Blue Box Blues!"
"Blue box…" Avalon whispered. She wrapped an arm around her stomach. She wanted to throw up again. "Amy...Amy something's not right."
"Yeah! You're not singing!"
"AMY!" Avalon shook the woman. "Just listen to me! Something's not right! All day I've been getting these feelings like...like I know that I've forgotten something but I don't know what it is! Plus...there's just something off!" She brought a hand to her hair, grasping strands as she frantically looked through the crowd...as if there was someone she was supposed to find.
"Okay, geez, Avalon. Just calm down," Amy cautiously grabbed Avalon's arms, keeping her steady. "I'm listening. I'm really listening."
Avalon felt tears in her eyes. Her breath was raggedy like she'd run a marathon just then. "There's...there's a voice inside my head. It keeps...hissing at me…" She scrunched her face. It made her body shiver just thinking about it. "I need help, I need a doct…"
There was a spark of recognition across her eyes for just a brief second, half a second. Though Avalon forgot about it, she knew she had to get out of there. Actually, not just her. "Rory!" She reached past Amy and grabbed Rory's arm. "We have to go!"
"What, hey! The song was just about to end!" Rory complained as Avalon dragged him and Amy out of the concert.
"Avalon, I think we should get you home!" Amy exclaimed just as Avalon brought them to the streets.
"You two need to get a grip and realize that it's not…" Avalon let go of the two when she saw a swirling portal across the street. Her eyes widened as it stretched out to become like a crack in the air. "What's...that's not...this isn't…" She looked around the street with both hesitance and fear. "Is this real?"
"Hey...that looks…" Amy blinked at the crack. She shook her head and that odd feeling she got from just looking at the thing.
"Cracks," Avalon breathed in. "There's cracks in the universe. I...somebody said that. Somebody else said that too, and I…"
"No, it's true! I found three more cracks in the last street!" A man's voice carried over, pulling the trio's attention to the end of the street where a homeless man was running down, excitedly babbling on. "I wonder if there's more!"
"There's one right here!" Avalon found herself blurting and promptly covered her mouth when she realized it.
The Doctor came running down to stop beside them and see the crack proudly scarring the air. "Interesting! Do you know what the crack is?"
"Clearly we don't or else we wouldn't be here, right?" Avalon's sarcasm made the Doctor smile.
"It's a crack!"
"But that we clearly knew!"
"Avalon!" Rory hissed. "Stop fighting with a homeless man!"
Avalon turned around, her hair flipping with her. The Doctor sniffed the air when he got a whiff of...lavender.
"You smell like lavender," he turned the woman around without even thinking it. Avalon looked at him strangely and despite being a homeless man, she didn't really feel scared. Actually, he was kind of cute.
"I don't like your hat," she had to say when she got a look at the ruddy thing.
"Yeah, and you don't like fezzes either!" The Doctor's eyes widened as soon as the words left his mouth.
"...Doctor?" Avalon's hand shakily reached to touch his face and the Doctor just let it happen. There was something quite warm about her hand and her gentle fingers.
"Ava…" He hummed in content.
"Enough!" the Scream hissed as it appeared in front of them. Avalon yelped and jumped back. Amy and Rory did the same from their spots. The Doctor quickly barred the way to Avalon, not even realizing when he did it. "You two togetherrrr againnn! I ssssupose it was inevitable! I tried to make thissss painlesss. The memory transferrrr is ssso much cleaner with a living victimmm, but ssso be it!"
"How did we forget again!?" Amy cried angrily, shooting Rory who was also remembering the real situation.
"What!? Don't look at me! You forgot too!" he shouted back.
But their argument was cut off when the Doctor and Avalon cried in pain. They were disintegrating like Orphan had, only instead of white bits they were releasing small green leaves.
"Everyone thinkssss they want to ffind the truth…" the Scream watched the pair fall to their knees on the ground. Roots sprouted to force them down. "Until the truth findsss themmm. You wanted a home, Doctor? I shall eat you now. A hot meal for the homeless man!"
"Ah, Doctor, how do we help you!?" Amy ran towards them but the Scream fired at her to keep still. Rory yanked her to his side, motioning they would freeze there...at least until they figured out a way to help the Doctor and Avalon.
The roots, which were the Scream's own tendrils, wrapped around each of them. It invaded their minds, intending on taking everything he could find. He just failed to realize that it was a two-way connection. Memories were flowing out from the pair but at the same time memories were flowing in from the Scream, the very memories the Sapling once upon a time took at the time of his birth.
"The Sapling…" the Doctor sucked in a sharp breath, "He's a tree isn't he? That's where we found him...a forest planet?"
Avalon could see the memory he talked about, but she literally felt her insides being crushed. "He's...going to kill us!"
"How sweeeet that you rememberrrr again. You think of the Scream and you knooowwww fffeear! Soon you shall beee entirely consumed. Sooon you shall nottt existtt. You shalll only exisssst in here! In my head! My memoriesss! NOthing will exist, other than the Scream!"
And then the Scream, everyone for that matter, heard the Doctor laugh.
"Are you seriously laughing!?" Amy incredulously stared at the Time Lord.
He was. He truly was even when the branches were wrapping around his body. "I just realized...well, I remembered. This entire world is populated by my and Avalon's memories. You just threw in Amy and Rory cos you had no idea what to do with them yet-"
"Thanks," Rory cut in with the exact flat face his wife had.
"-and because the Sapling wouldn't let you get rid of them. This place is an entirely subjective environment and you're about to kill us! Then Amy, and Rory...so what happens when we're all gone? Who will be here to remember you if it's just you?"
"Ha…" Avalon found strength to laugh for a tiny moment. The branches were squeezing her tight. "If a tree falls in a forest and no one's around…"
"...does anyone know?" the Scream realized.
"Ava, I'm passing a psychic message to you via the root system." the Doctor quickly said before the Scream could enact what promised to be even more outrageous than what he already did, "A plan. Listen to me, Ava. Just listen."
Avalon wanted to point out that she had no idea how to receive such a message, but the Doctor went ahead anyways. She closed her eyes and let whatever happen, happen.
The Scream...screamed. A white light had eradicated his entire world, leaving only him in a white place. Was a room? A world? He didn't know.
"Is anyone there?" he called out. "Can anybody hear me? I...I don't want to be alone!"
"Because it sucks, right?"
The Scream turned around to find Avalon standing a few feet away from him. She was scowling at him. "I know how it feels to be alone. The Doctor does too. And you used that against us. And you know the funny thing is, if you had just asked the Doctor for help...he would've done it. I know he's said that he'd kill any Silence for what they did to me but I know my Doctor. You weren't part of the Silence. You didn't do anything. All you needed to do was ask for help...but you didn't."
"Youuuu will diiiie!" the Scream pointed at her.
Avalon swallowed hard. "You absorbed the Sapling. You took his powers, right? So use them. Why don't you just make copies of yourself? Then you never have to be alone again."
"I...yes…" the Scream realized that would be an even better plan. With thousands of him, he could take over every planet and force everyone to remember him.
Avalon watched the Scream multiply and multiple until there were really near a thousand of them just staring at her, maliciously planning no doubt. She felt her breath leave her. "Is...is the Sapling inside you somewhere? Can...can you release him? You've got what you wanted. There's so many of you, why keep him?" Her eyes teared up as the memories of the Sapling started resurfacing in her mind. "Please...he's...he's my son. I want him back."
The Scream flatly ignored her. "I can make endless copiessss of me! They willlll spread acrossss the universe! With the Sapling'sssss power I caaaan make millionssss...billionsss of me! I will absorb alll life! The universe willll only be the Screammm!"
"Fine," Avalon spat, her eyes narrowing on the Scream.
"Oi! Bighead!" the Doctor's voice hollered, making every copy of the Scream look away from themselves.
And once they looked away from themselves, it forgot that it existed. Each of them faded away into nothing, leaving no trace that it had ever existed in the first place.
Avalon turned around to see the Doctor, Amy and Rory. It was funny, the white room - she decided it was a room - seemed endless. She had to run for a few seconds until she could join them.
She jumped into the Doctor's arms, hugging him tight. "I did it! I got your message! I did it!"
"I know you did," the Doctor hugged her tight, getting that strong scent of sweet lavender. He truly did love it.
"So he just...he just forgot himself?" Rory felt a headache coming along with just that detail.
"We literally used its own weapon against it," the Doctor said to them as he let Avalon go just a bit. He had completely forgotten her for a moment there and he wasn't interested in letting her go anytime soon.
"So then shouldn't we have faded from existence when the Scream did?" Amy gestured to the white room. "We were inside him, after all. He absorbed us."
"You'd think so, the Scream vanished but…" there was a familiar grin on the Doctor's face that Avalon saw first. "Remember that he merged with the Sapling and now the Scream is gone, so that means we're currently inside…"
"The Sapling!" Avalon gasped, soon sporting the same grin as the Doctor's. "He's still alive!"
"That's really great, but how do we get out!?" Rory exclaimed.
"Hello! Hi!" Amy started shouting into the air. "Sapling, if you can hear us...I'm really tired! Can we just go home!?"
There was a light whooshing air, almost like the TARDIS would make. Before they knew it, the outline of a door appeared a few feet away from them.
"Is it really that easy?" Avalon blinked, stepping towards it.
"If he knows that I'm tired then yeah," Amy shot them a smirk and hurried up to it despite Rory's warning call to wait. Amy opened the door and stepped into the console room, their console room. "Aha! Yes!" But she gasped when she saw the Sapling across from them.
Everyone else did too.
The Sapling was back but he was a little different…and not so little anymore...
"Sapling!" Avalon zoomed right past the group to hug the Sapling, although she had to go on her tippy-toes because now the Sapling was as tall as the Doctor.
"What's wrong with him?" Rory whispered to the Doctor.
"Nothing! He's...matured!" the Doctor grinned and hurried over as well.
The Sapling had grown into a man - a tree man. He had lost his brown wooden skin to be replaced by a white, pinkish skin. His eyes had shrunken a bit, stretched out only slightly. Even his head was no longer that pointy!
"I grew up, Mother," the Sapling pulled away from Avalon to hug the Doctor, revealing his lower voice in the process.
"Yes, you did!" Avalon laughed out of surprise.
"We all go through a difficult adolescent phase where a homicidal memory-stealing alien from a strange religious cult wants to use us to take over the entire universe and turn every living thing into them!" the Doctor stepped back beside Avalon and found her glaring at him.
"Please stop talking."
The Sapling laughed. Avalon gave him a strange look for that. "You even laugh like a grown up. When Rory was a kid, his voice broke so much when he laughed!"
"Avalon, shush!" Rory frowned. This was no time to bring up his teenage years!
"You found me," the Sapling breathed out with a nervous smile. "Just like you promised you would."
"You are family," the Doctor reiterated to him. "You're our son."
"Yes," the Sapling nodded, as if only now just coming to terms with it. "You are my Father, you are my Mother…" He looked past the pair to Amy and Rory, "My...aunt and uncle." The two thanked him for not revealing their true relationship. "I wanted to thank you all for believing in me. You saved me. My race, my DNA...it said that I had to destroy and spread across the universe. That I was a weapon."
"But you're not," Avalon shook her head. "You are so incredible! You're my son!"
"Truly," the Doctor agreed.
"Father, you stole this TARDIS, ran from your people, refused to be what you were told to be. You decided to be kind. You are an inspiration!"
"Oh, well..I…" the Doctor stammered as he looked around, making the others laugh.
Avalon threw her arms around him. "I agree! And you made him blush!"
"No, I'm not!"
The Sapling smiled as the two bickered for a few seconds. They didn't even hear him when he pointed out that they both had their memories back.
"Alright you two, break it up!" Amy came marching up to them and physically ripped them away from each other. "Sheesh! Bad influence on your child!"
"Yeah, yeah," the Doctor waved them off. "So, Sapling, where to from here? Would you like to stay or…?"
"Or?" Avalon frowned, her eyes flickering from him and the Sapling. "What do you mean 'or'?"
"Well, it's just...the Sapling is - as he put it - all grown up. Sometimes, typically, that means he might want to go exploring on his own."
Avalon's entire face fell at the idea of the Sapling leaving them. Without realizing it, she'd become so attached to him. She'd gotten used to having the little one around…
But he's not 'little' anymore and that's the point!
"You're all grown up," she said sadly. "Of course you want to leave."
"It's not that I want to leave you, Mother. I'm just curious," the Sapling smiled softly at her. He walked up to her and put his hands over her shoulders. "But it doesn't mean I won't come back. You're my Mother."
"Not a very good one, I'm afraid," Avalon sniffed. "I-I didn't really know what to do half the time. I'm sorry about that."
"You were wonderful, Mother! So much fun! I will always love our movie marathons! And the Heist! That's my favorite memory with Father."
The Doctor grinned. "Don't fret, I'm sure we'll have another one!"
"No, we won't!" Rory huffed. They just didn't understand that heists were wrong, didn't they!?
The Sapling smiled at all of them. "Yes, I won't go away forever. I'll be back to visit!"
The Doctor moved for the console and rummaged through the under compartments until he pulled out a familiar device. "Take this, Sapling. In case you wander to some, uh, not so advanced parts of the galaxies. And Earth."
The Sapling took the device from him. It was what changed his appearance to a human boy when he visited Leadworth. "Thank you, Father."
"Well...can I have another hug before we have to drop you off?" Avalon was already holding her arms out. She felt like she was about to burst into sobs. So, the Sapling hugged her for a little bit longer than the others.
~ 0 ~
Following into his mother's footsteps, the Sapling chose to start his own adventures in the 51st century. With tears in their eyes, the family parted and went their separate ways. As soon as everything was back to normal, Avalon was shipped off to the medbay for a thorough examination. After breathing in the air from Zoline and undergoing the Scream's own personal world, they needed to make sure Avalon hadn't suffered any setbacks in her health.
"I still think this is all just a tad too much," Avalon sighed in her spot. She scooted to the edge of the medbed while the Doctor hurried back to the computers to upload her latest blood samples.
"Nope! You're not getting up from that bed until I'm done with you!"
A smirk played on Avalon's face. "Ooh, I didn't know you were thinking like that, Fairy Tale Man."
The Doctor winced and shot her a look, though as upset as he wanted to seem the bright red blush on his face greatly contradicted it. "Not like that!" Before she could say anything else, he dove his head to the computers instead. She needed to stop playing with him like that because one of these days…
"So, how is everything?" Avalon asked after a moment of listening to computers whizzing.
"Pretty normal...for you," the Doctor was happy to read. He literally felt his hearts returning to their normal beating speed. Her lungs didn't hold on to any of the poisons from Zoline's air and her brain scans showed nothing was damaged from the Scream's attacks. She was perfectly normal.
He could breathe again.
He turned around and went straight to the ginger, pulled her right off the bed to hug her. "I promise there'll be no more invasions into your head." He kissed the top of her head.
"That would be nice," Avalon hummed. "Although, it does feel kind of nice knowing that even when we forgot about each other, we still found each other."
The Doctor smiled and swayed her a bit. "Of course I'd find you, Ava." Because I love you. Oh, those were still too strong words for her. He didn't want to freak her out after everything that already happened.
Avalon hummed for a few seconds until she spoke again, "Well, I just want to make it clear that you do have a home." She raised her head to meet his gaze. The Sapling had heard all the conversations they had in the Scream's world and was fairly good at giving Avalon the quick run-down of the Doctor's most popular thoughts in that world. He felt like he didn't have a home and that could not be. "You said you didn't have a home, but you do. It's me, Amy and Rory. We're not Gallifrey but I can try to make it as best as I can."
The Doctor brought his hands to cup her face. "You are absolutely wonderful," he said, feeling truly touched with her words. Yes, of course you're my home. I was just so alone in that other world...it's actually not that far from what I used to be."
"Well that's never happening again," Avalon was quick to say, "Because I am never leaving you. I'm here until the end..." Those words brought her to the next point she wanted to discuss - she wanted to yell actually but she didn't want to make things worse. "Doctor, is it really true that you don't have any regenerations left?"
The Doctor's expression turned grim fast. He should've figured that was going to come back sooner or later. He dropped his hands from her face and sighed. "Yes..."
"But didn't you say you were in your eleventh incarnation?" Or had she misheard that bit? She was sure that she hadn't.
The Doctor brought a hand up to the back of his neck. "I...this is my last body. My previous incarnation wasted one regeneration."
"How!?"
"He, uh...I...liked that face, a lot. So I kept it." Looking back at it, it truly was a waste of a regeneration.
"That's one, where's the other one?"
The Doctor would prefer not to talk about that incarnation. He didn't even consider it an incarnation but Avalon wasn't going to let it go. She wanted to know the truth and after everything, she deserved some truth. "There's one incarnation that I don't really like to think of, nor remember. It was the one during the War. That's two incarnations there so...this me...is the last one."
"How could you not tell me that?" Avalon thought about Lake Silencio. River had been wrong. The Doctor didn't die 'mid-regeneration'. He had just died. He would die because he was shot, not because he couldn't make it to the next regeneration. Had the astronaut known that?
You're learning it right now. She stiffened. What if the future was cementing right now?
Tears filled Avalon's eyes when her thoughts started spinning with multiple Lake Silencio scenarios. "Oh my God," she covered her mouth.
The Doctor sprang into action when he saw her tears. "N-n-n-n-no, Ava! I'm okay! I'm alright!" He yanked her into another hug, this time holding her as tightly as he could. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you that. I-I didn't know how to bring it up."
Avalon knew there was no way to bring that up into a conversation. If roles were reversed she would probably struggle too. But she knew it wasn't why she was crying. Her tears belonged to the future. She couldn't let that happen to him. If she was the astronaut, then she would make sure she never hurt him. She could do that. She could really do that.
She rested her hands over his chest, listening to the rhythm of his heart beats. "Then I guess we'll have to make sure nothing happens to these hearts." She raised her head to meet his soft smile. "I can take care of them."
"Yeah?" the Doctor wouldn't mind that one bit.
"Mhm, I'll be gentle with them." Avalon watched him near her lips, her own lips curving into a smile. I'll love them. She paused so subtly that the Doctor never saw it. She had no idea where that thought came from but it brought about special butterflies in her stomach. She looked at him in a whole different light and suddenly the only thing she wanted to do was kiss him until she ran out of breath.
"They couldn't be in safer hands," the Doctor murmured just before kissing her, unknowingly fulfilling her current desire. Avalon quickly moved her arms around his neck to bring him closer and leave their bodies firmly pressed against each other's.
Unfortunately, they were interrupted shortly afterwards…
"What kind of exams are you running here, exactly?" The sharp voice of Amy broke them apart.
"P-Ponds!" the Doctor sucked in a sharp breath at the sight of both Amy and Rory at the doorway. This was bad, bad!
"I told you they needed supervision!" Rory huffed at his wife and crossed his arms.
"Shame, I lost a bet because of you two!" Amy pointed at the pair who were frozen in their spots. Glumly, she reached into her pant's pockets to pull out the money.
"You bet on us?" frowned Avalon before it hit her. "Wait! What about!?"
"That you could handle this relationship like adults obviously!"
"You knew!?" Avalon and the Doctor yelled with the same red blush on their faces.
"Since when!?" Avalon demanded.
Amy and Rory looked at each other to make the calculations. They went back and forth for a few minutes until they agreed. "Two weeks ago!"
"What? And you didn't say anything?" The Doctor arched an eyebrow at them, for a brief moment wondering if they were truly the Ponds.
"Well, it was obvious you guys weren't ready to tell us," Amy shrugged then flashed them a smirk. "Course it just seems like you were a lot more busy snogging than anything else."
"Yeah, since this is all out in the air can we just dial it back a bit?" Rory properly shivered. He did not enjoy catching his granddaughter snogging the hell out of the Doctor two weeks ago. That was not a way to start a morning. He would've yelled for them to stop if Amy hadn't pulled him out of the console room in time.
"You're not...you're not mad?" the Doctor's voice was a tad squeaky, much to Amy's amusement. He was clearly nervous of their reactions.
Avalon moved one of her arms over his shoulder and looked at his anxious face. Poor thing really did look scared. It warmed her heart that he truly cared a lot about what Amy and Rory had to say about their relationship, but at the same time she felt the need to point out it didn't matter what they thought. She wondered why he was so fixated on their opinions anyways.
"We were surprised that you started a relationship without letting us in on the secret," Rory was the one to say and for the same reason the Doctor had asked the question in the first place. He made it very clear in the beginning what he thought about the relationship if it ever were to happen. He supposed that even after he apologized to the Doctor and told him that he would really be okay with a relationship between them, the Doctor would still be nervous. "But we're happy for you, really."
Once again, the Doctor felt like he could breathe again. Avalon shook her head at him with a laugh. "I think your hearts were doing the salsa for a moment!" She gave a light pat to his chest.
He rolled his eyes at her. He didn't care. He just heard that her grandparents were okay with their relationship. They didn't want him away from her!
"Avalon, are you happy?" Amy asked her even though the answer was clear as day.
The Doctor still had one arm wrapped around her waist while she adjusted his bowtie. "Like you wouldn't believe it," Avalon hummed contently. She had just made the biggest realization in her life and she wasn't going to let anyone take it away. "My Fairy Tale Man has made me so happy."
"That's great," Amy nodded before clapping her hands together. "So now that we're all in the loop we can implement the rules."
That certainly snapped Avalon out of her moment. "The what now?"
"The rules!" chorused her grandparents.
"One of the most important rules is you are to sleep in separate rooms, young lady!"
"Oh, c'mon-" Avalon was in the middle of rolling her eyes when Amy reached over to yank her away. "Amy!"
"No, you actually do need to rest tonight Ava," the Doctor pointed at her and earned himself a glare. "Goodnight Ava!"
Avalon gasped as Amy dragged her out of the room. "Doctor! I hate you!"
"Yeeeeah," Rory clapped a hand over the Doctor's shoulder, "For your own safety, you're going to always want to agree with Ava. It's survival. She gets that from her grandmother." Of course he winced when he remembered that Amy wasn't that far away and could possibly overhear him.
The Doctor could half-smile now. "Thanks Rory. So...are you really okay?"
"Yes, of course. I told you this, Doctor. I'm really sorry for what I used to think but I know where Avalon is safest and where she's happiest. And even though Amy and I caught you two weeks ago, we knew something was up," Rory crossed his arms and smirked when the Doctor paled for a few seconds.
"Y-you did?"
"Of course. Avalon was a wreck after Berlin. Three months we spent trying to build her health and her mental health...and then one day, poof! She's not grumpy anymore, she didn't cry as much...she was smiling. My granddaughter was laughing again. You made that happen and I will always be thankful for that."
The Doctor was touched to hear Rory's words. To know that Rory, the person who was most against this relationship, was truly thankful for him...it relieved the Doctor of several layers of guilt. "Thank you Rory. Really."
"There's just one thing I'm going to ask of you," Rory warned, his face softening as he spoke again, "Please keep her safe. I lost my daughter, I couldn't keep her safe. I don't want Avalon to keep suffering. Please promise me that you will always keep her safe. When Amy and I are long gone, promise me that you'll put Avalon's safety first."
"Rory, don't talk about that…" the Doctor hated to think that one day he and Amy would...they would...die. It truly hurt his insides, made them churn too.
"No, we have to. Especially now that we know Avalon's lifespan is just like...doubled or tripled, whatever it is...it's a lot longer than what Amy and I are going to live combined. And that's fine. I would never want to bury her or River first. They need to bury us first. So when Amy and I are gone, you promise me that Avalon will come first no matter what."
"I swear Rory," the Doctor ultimately said. He understood where Rory was coming from. He was, after all, a father and grandfather himself (at least he once was). The need to keep one's family safe was a powerful force. It overrode anything else. Rory felt that towards Avalon and he couldn't dismiss it simply because he wasn't comfortable talking about death. "Avalon will always come first. Her safety will be my first priority."
Rory nodded firmly. "Thank you." He wouldn't share with the Doctor, nor Amy for that matter, that there was still a tiny part of him that still felt like there was a moment coming for them; something that would hurt all of them. He just hoped that the Doctor would fulfill his promise if the time ever called for it.
Author's Note:
And that concludes the Sapling's arc but don't fret, he's not gone forever! He'll be making some visits later on! When I first read this arc I thought the ending was SO cool and yet so sad. I mean, all they had to do was get the Scream to look away from itself to defeat him. I don't know, I just got chills when I read that moment. It was written so nicely and so sadly...*Jake Peralta's voice* Chills, literal chills!
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mymagnificentself · 7 years
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i did so much today
i wrote the stupid classtest, i went home, i went to the appointment with my therapist and back (and i DiDNt miss the bus by five minutes it was actually seven minutes Late so i didnt have to wait for snother half an hour which was gOOd), i petted the dog from one of our neighbours and it wasnt disgusting so hey, maybe ill become more of a dog person at some point :D and i went and had my how manieth? fourth? theory driving lesson. aaand now im looking up train connections to get me to hamburg for another appointment tomorrow that i have, and when im back we have four days of weekend in which i will have my sister help me get my rainbow hair back. and i think now ill make it an early night and go to beeeed
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mysticalproperties · 4 years
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As this new moon summer solstice solar eclipse in cancer approaches us, look at the equality of appreciation in your life. appreciate not only the benevelonce, love, joy, light in your life but appreciate the trials, the tribulations, and the difficulties. these are the catalysts for our empowerment and betterment of our soul mind and heart. We are meant to be empowered by everything. Look for the advantages in the adversity. take off your masks. sit in the sunshine. light a fire, burn all your journals. sit under a tree. play with your pets. take a bath. call your mom. talk to a family member. reach out to a friend. eat fruit. we are facets of one great being, disperse the protocalls and fear based programming. you are divine and resonant. remember it. bring the consciousnesss and appreciation and value of the miracle of your life. Hold the intention to have faith, the absolute something that is transcendent beyond all fear... release the mask, feel your vibration feel your affirmation. we are all one. we will not become debalitated by fear.. Use the unadulterated power of our imagination, of our inner child. everything we imagine is an intangible cellular reality inside of us. This solar eclipse during the longest day of the year is all about leveling our appreciation on both scales of light and dark. there is a blessedness in darkness, "SO GOD CREATED THE HEAVENS AND EARTH. THE EARTH WAS WITHOUT FORM AND VOID. AND DARKNESS WAS IN THE FACE OF THE DEEP. the spirit of god moved upon the face of the waters and said let there be light and there was light. what is moving upon the waters? MOVING UPON OUR EMOTIONAL BODY. Darkness is the upleveled resonance of the sacred void of which all the light emerges. of all which life is created. the formless of creation that resides within thy soul. be in an emotional relationship with the absolute solution to the problem of our world. lets allow ourselve to feel sense see imagine pristine... where we live in a peopleocracy. there is no fued. love and honor your brothers and sisters. All of these are realities that do in fact exist!!!!! Yes they might have not manifested, but in the formless state of FEMINIESTATION the blessings are there... the cellular counterpart is always within the womb of your soul. pregnant with every blessing that will ever come to be. see with your mind and heart into infinite realms of the great unseen. the riches of the kingdom are there within your being to redeem. The primordial cause of all manifestations. feel the resonance of the solution to all world crisis. take that full bloom of resoltuion and feeling within you. We are all libraries containing all the knowledge, occurences that ever willl be. every mountain, plant elemental, star and galaxy lives within you. See the reality that you want, dont bemoan the things you dont want now.
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deafmanscharade · 7 years
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Let’s Talk
First of all, I am not one to preach. That’s not what this is. This is emotional excorsicism that may come off preachy but I don’t mean it that way. I promise. This is literally stream of consciousnesss THIS IS YOUR LIFE KIRA. I apologize.
I was born ( la la la!!!) on the wrong side of the tracks. We were definition of blue collar but just under the line. My biological father left my mother and I for drugs when I was three. My earliest memory is being left in a mall by him. Being told to wait in the whale (there was a big resin whale with his mouth open in the water park and you could sit in it). He didn’t come back. I walked home. My mother remarried a man who I am good with now but who had serious anger issues when I was growing up. Mom checked out in favor of serious alcoholism when I was about 13. 
I was born with Cerebral Palsy. Which impacts literally everything. Its costly, its painful, kids don’t understand so you are weird or contageous and there are days where you just want to throw in the towel because you don’t want to be forcibly different anymore. Also, Forrest Gump is a shitty movie and I fucking HATE it. 
I found music very early. I have tapes of me singing at 2. Aerosmith no less. Theres a reason I refer to them as my dads. I found theatre a bit later, at 3. Wizard of Oz. I’ve spent my whole life chasing that magical land where everything is bright and wonderful and made in a dream. I joined choirs and theatres and plugged my ears to anyone who told me no. 
There’s a much darker side to my story than that which I’m about to touch here, but that’s for another post. Maybe (far away, or maybe real near by)
Let’s just say: I have control issues, because I’ve never been in full control of my body. It spasms whenever it wants, it makes me sick whenever it wants, I’m seriously temperature sensitive and faint on a dime (god forbid I wear a coat in October and don’t take it off the second I get sweaty, BOOM down for the count). My body never allowed for proper participation in ANYTHING, and damn did I try. I took classes in everything from Karate to Rhythmic Gymnastics. 
Then I found musical theatre and instruments. Musical theatre allowed me to step into someone else while still using the one thing that made me valid - my voice. I sang until my throat tore up. Songs from every show I could get my hands on. I went to every audition within driving distance. With no concept of my stupid body being the thing that would get in the way of my new found coping mechanism. Be aware: at this point I was 6 years old. 
When I got the first rejection letter I didn’t even know what it meant. I had no concept of not being good enough until that moment. I went upstairs and asked my mother to explain. She did, and then she told me it was because I was fat. I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn’t move like the other kids. How was I not supposed to be fat? Musical theatre was going to do that for me with dance. But I wasn’t good enough to dance. I wasn’t a whole being. I was broken. A burden. A source of shame. I turned circles in my room for hours after the tears finally let up, looking for direction. Then I locked myself in my closet and listened to Nirvana and Aerosmith until I fell asleep. 
The next day I walked to the mall and went to a guitar shop. I sat on a stool and plucked strings on a guitar that was too big for me until the sun went down. There, I found love again. I became obsessed and it was my only love until a few years later when I found Hanson and my truest love - piano. 
I existed solely for three things my whole life, theatre, piano and guitar. I have never and will never love anyone as much as I love those three things. Theatre failed me regularily but it was also where I felt most comfortable because I hate me, and I didn’t have to be me. Guitar could do so many things. It made things pretty, or gross, or painful, but my favorite thing was to make it cry. Because if it was crying I didn’t have to. Piano and the boy that made me want to play it put literal hearts in my eyes. To this day, if a song I’m singing doesn’t have piano in it somewhere, I am immediately uncomfortable. It’s not right to my ear. 
Because I was so much lesser than the rest of my theatre company and because my mother was so on me about my appearance because I had to be “better than the way I walk” the first time I denied myself food I was 10. I wanted to be skinny like everyone else in my dance classes and I couldn’t get that way by working out. I didn’t start seriously denying myself food (and liquids) until high school when my dexterity started slipping and holding instruments began to hurt. By 17, I couldn’t play anything. Now, on a good day I can pick up a ukulele for 20 minutes before it literally falls out of my hands and if there’s anything that makes me feel worthless its  the inability to play, and hurting instruments on top of that. It KILLS me. 
I started engaging in coping mechanisms one should never play with, but I did. Because I needed something. My ED became my lover. It was easy and it made me feel better. I had control. My body was finally mine. 
I have to leave now. More later. 
K
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“Happy Dust”
Snow that fallest from heaven, bear me aloft on thy wings To the domes of the star-girdled Seven, the abode of ineffable things, Quintessence of joy and of strength, that, abolishing future and past, Mak'st the Present an infinite length, my soul all-One with the Vast, The Lone, the Unnameable God, that is ice of His measureless cold, Without being or form or abode, without motion or matter, the fold Where the shepherded Universe sleeps, with nor sense nor delusion nor dream, No spirit that wantons or weeps, no thought in its silence supreme. I sit, and am utterly still; in mine eyes is my fathomless lust Ablaze to annihilate Will, to crumble my being to dust, To calcine the dust to an ash, to burn up the ash to an air, To abolish the air with a flash of the final, the fulminant flare. All this I have done, and dissolved the primordial germ of my thought; I have rolled myself up, and revolved the wheel of my being to Naught. Is there even the memory left? That I was, that I am? It is lost. As I utter the Word, I am cleft by the last swift spear of the frost. Snow! I am nothing at last;  I sit, and am utterly still; They are perished, the phantoms, and past; they were born of my weariness-will When I craved, craved being and form, when the consciousnesss-cloud was a mist Precursor of stupor and storm, when I and my shadow had kissed, And brought into life all the shapes that confused the clear space with their marks, Vain spectres whose vapour escapes, a whirlwind of ruinous sparks, No substance have any of these; I have dreamed them in sickness of lust, Delirium born of disease-ah, whence was the master, the "must" Imposed on the All? is it true, then, that something in me Is subject to fate?  Are there two, after all, that can be? I have brought all that is to an end; for myself am sufficient and sole. Do I trick myself now?  Shall I rend once again this homologous Whole? I have stripped every garment from space;  I have strangled the secret of Time, All being is fled from my face, with Motion's inhibited rime. Stiller and stiller I sit, till even Infinity fades; 'Tis an idol-'tis weakness of wit that breeds, in inanity, shades! Yet the fullness of Naught I become, the deepest and steadiest Naught, Contains in its nature the sum of the functions of being and thought. Still as I sit, and destroy all possible trace of the past, All germ of the future, nor joy nor knowledge alive at the last, It is vain, for the Silence is  dowered with a nature, the seed of a name: Necessity, fearfully flowered with the blossom of possible Aim. I am Necessity?  Scry Necessity mother of Fate! And Fate determines me "I"; and I have the Will to create. Vast is the sphere, but it turns on itself like the pettiest star. And I am the looby that learns that all things equally are. Inscrutable Nothing, the Gods, the cosmos of Fire and of Mist. Suns, atoms, the clouds and the clouds ineluctably dare to exist- I have made the Voyage of Thought, the Voyage of Vision, I swam To the heart of the Ocean of Naught from the source of the Spring of I am: I know myself wholly the brother alike of the All and the One; I know that all things are each other, that their sum and their substance is None; But the knowledge itself can excel, its fulness hath broken its bond; All's Truth, and all's falsehood as well, and-what of the region beyond? So, still though I sit, as for ever, I stab to the heart of my spine; I destroy the last seed of endeavour to seal up my soul in the shrine Of Silence, Eternity, Peace;  I abandon the Here and the Now; I cease from the effort to cease; I absolve the dead I from its Vow, I am wholly content to be dust, whether that be a mote or a star, To live and to love and to lust, acknowledge what seem for what are, Not to care what I am, if I be, whence I came, whither go, how I thrive, If my spirit be bound or be free, save as Nature contrive. What I am, that I am, 'tis enough.  I am part of a glorious game. Am I cast for madness or love?  I am cast to esteem them the same. Am I only a dream in the sleep of some butterfly? Phantom of fright Conceived, who knows how, or how deep, in the measure- less womb of the night? I imagine impossible thought, metaphysical voids that beget Ideas intangible wrought to things less conceivable yet. It may be.  Little I reck  -but, assume the existence of earth. Am I born to be hanged by the neck, a curse from the hour of my birth? Am I born to abolish man's guilt?   His horrible heritage, awe? Or a seed in his wantoness spilt by a jester?  I care not a straw, For I understand Do what thou wilt; and that is the whole of the Law.
--Aleister Crowley
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