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cranetreegang · 3 years

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Chapter 1: Sharp Swords and even Sharper Words -> Julian x FemAppren/OC

A/N: Hellloooo and welcome. This story takes place after you finish the upright ending for Julian and you're on a ship heading to Nevivon. I thought it would be neat to write a story based on after the happily ever after. I'm hoping to post quite a bit for this. plz ignore all the other stories I haven't finished yet lmaooo. Anyways, any feedback is always welcomed and thanks for reading!! <3 :)

Summary: Julian, Portia, and the Apprentice (Evie), are nearly to Nevivon. With hardly any problems beforehand, will there be rough seas on the horizon? Will Evie handle the harsh reality that not everyone is open-minded to magic? Or will she be able to open their eyes?

Word Count: ~3,200

Warnings: mild cursing

Arcana Masterlist Here

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The afternoon sun warmed me as the salty breeze caressed over my skin and tangled my hair. Malak circled above, cawing in delight every so often. I watched his tiny shadow ripple across the foam-topped swells before I shifted my gaze to the horizon. Even after several weeks, I still hadn’t gotten used to the gentle waves, bluer than a queen’s prized sapphire, stretching farther than I could see. Even when I braved climbing all the way up to the crow’s nest, I still couldn’t find the end of the ocean. I leaned against the smooth wooden banister to let myself drift away.

The voyage, thus far, had been an easy one. Uneventful, I would go as far to say. Calm waters, sunny days, and the wind mainly at our backs. Everything a sailor could’ve asked for. A soft smile came over me when I thought about what Julian said. He said that I must be lucky. Since there was always something that goes wrong. With less than a week left until we arrived in Nevivon, I was hoping my luck would last for that long.

My eyes drifted to the water lapping against the wooden hull. I let my hand toy with the wind below me, creating tiny whirlwinds atop the sea. I smiled to myself as I let my magic play for the first time in a few days. A sudden prickling sensation hit the back of my neck, making a chill shoot down my spine. I was being watched. I slowly turned my head over and found the source of my discomfort. Beck.

Her weathered mossy-green eyes were staring daggers into mine. She curled her thin lip in disgust then spat overboard. She crossed her muscular arms and didn’t waver from her intense glare. I looked back towards the waves, but I couldn’t shake the maliciousness being directed towards me. I tried to focus on the whirlwinds I was creating before. Heavy footsteps were vibrating the planks under my feet, getting closer and closer. My heart beat a bit quicker when the footsteps stopped right behind me.

“Witch.” Her deep scratchy voice was unmistakable. “Shouldn’t ye be doin’ somethin’? This ain’t no pleasure cruise.”

“I’ve finished my duties for the day.” I said more calmly than I felt.

“Looks at me when ye speaks to me.” Beck ordered.

I closed my eyes for a moment then turned around. She towered over me with her hulking frame. Her shaggy chestnut hair was greasy and clung around her angular scarred face. I met her narrowed eyes and repeated, “I finished my duties for the day.”

Beck craned her head. “Be that so, tunrida?” She hissed out the insult with a cruel smirk stretching across her tanned skin.

“Yes.” My fingernails dug into the flesh of my palm. “And unless Ketos has anything else for me, I’ll be going back to what I was doing.” I tried to turn around, but my upper arm was snagged by her meaty hand.

“I don’t know why they let something like ye on board.” Beck spat as her fingers dug into me, making me wince.

I managed to yank my arm from her tight grasp. “But, I am on board. And I’m not going anywhere.” I countered. Beck’s eyes were alight with a dangerous flame. She took a step closer to me, making my lower back press against the wooden railing.

“Beck! Get back on rigging!” Ketos yelled from the helm.

She looked towards the Quartermaster then back to me. Her dark brows etched together. “Just cause ye’ve the captain fooled, tunrida, don’t mean the rest of us are.” She snarled then stalked away to the other side of the ship.

I glanced towards Ketos, who was staring at me with hints of wariness. I went back to looking out at the sea. The calm feeling of earlier was gone and I was left with a frustrated rage. I never should’ve used my magic to change the wind. Julian and Portia had warned me that sailors were superstitious, but I didn’t realize how much until it was too late.

Tunrida… devil-witch. One of the crueler insults Beck has thrown my way. I felt embers sparking in my closed fist. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. I couldn’t let Beck get to me. I needed something happier to think about... calmer. I sensed Julian above me working on the ropes for one of the sails. I focused on him. On his warmth. His serene aura made me smile. The fire inside me quelled until it was no more.

I opened my eyes and followed the waves. I grimaced at how easily Beck could crawl under my skin. Asra would’ve been disappointed in my emotional state. I just wished I could talk to Beck; explain myself. But she’s refused to listen to anything I have to say.

“Careful. If you think any harder, you might get lost in there.” Portia bumped my shoulder with a wink. Her curly, reddish-orange hair was spilling out from her striped bandana and whipping around in the breeze. I could smell hints of vanilla over the salty air.

It’s hard not to match Portia’s warm smile with one of my own. “Can you blame me? It’s far too easy to drift away out here.” I decided to keep my interaction with Beck to myself. We were almost to Nevivon and I could endure through Beck’s petty insults until then.

Portia nodded with a chuckle. Her short arms stretched out in front of her as she rested her chin between her biceps. “Very true. Times like these, there’s not much else to do but think.” Her gaze was downcast for a brief moment. I knew her thoughts went to Nadia waiting for her back home. Their uncertain, but exciting, future they were soon about to share was at the forefront of her mind.

“At least we’re almost there. I’m sure you’re excited.” I said with a gentle smile.

Portia lit back up with a beaming grin. “More than excited. I haven’t been back in so long. I can’t wait to show you around. I know Julian can’t wait either.” She glanced around us then moved closer to me and whispered, “Don’t tell him I said this, but he’s been secretly planning on taking you somewhere really romantic. He hasn’t stopped talking about it since we left.”

I giggled a bit, my cheeks warming at the idea that he was up to something. “Oh really? He’s quite sweet, isn’t he?” I hummed. “And who are you calling sweet?” Julian swung from a rope and landed on top of the railing next to me. He looked down at me with sparkling stormy eyes and a cheeky grin. His auburn locks flew in the wind and his cream linen shirt was exposing part of his sunburnt, slightly hairy chest. “I do hope it’s me.” He purred, making my heart skip a beat.

A devious smirk came over me as I said, “Mhm… I don’t know. You certainly are dashing and charming. But, sweet… mhm.” I feigned thinking it over as his cheeks burned brighter. I climbed up on the railing and held onto him. “I think I need to check if you’re sweet or not.” My eyes held his as he stared back with wide eyes. I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down to me. I kissed him and smiled against his eager lips. I broke away with a smirk. “Oh, you’re definitely sweet.”

He looked ready to say something back when Portia brought us back to reality.

“Hey! Love birds! You’re gonna fall overboard.” She grumbled. Julian and I looked at each other with bright pink dusting our cheeks. Julian wrapped his arm around my back then jumped us off the railing. He landed us on the deck with a proud smirk.

I stepped away from him and looked back at Portia sheepishly. “Sorry, Portia.”

“You’d think after being stuck here for weeks, you’d be sick of each other.” She tried her best to look annoyed, but a smile was tugging on her rosy cheeks.

Julian nudged my back with a grin. “Ready for our duel?” His brows wiggled as he puffed out his chest.

I shrugged then feigned a yawn. “I don’t know. I’m pretty tired today.” I walked far enough away from him to be able to draw my sword. I whipped around, ready to strike, but Julian’s blade was already there to meet my surprise attack. He had me locked in place.

“Very clever, love. But, you have so much to learn in the art of deception.” He chuckled as he knocked me away with a flick of his sword. I got my balance and shifted myself to a defensive stance to parry his onslaught of blows. I knew I couldn’t remain on the defensive for long. I needed to get the upper hand if I had any hopes of winning this. Our swords clanged together in sharp ‘tings’ and Portia cheered from the sidelines.

“Go Eves! Kick his ass!” She giggled.

“Pasha! My own sister, rooting against me. What has this world come to?” Julian said between huffs and slices.

I was amazed at his ability to multitask when all I could concentrate on was finding an opening. As his arm swung up high, I saw my chance. I side-stepped his strike then went to stab him straight into his ribs. His other hand caught my wrist then brought me against his chest; a harsh grunt escaping me. My sword missed him completely and his blade was pressed against my neck. I looked up to him with an audible gulp.

“You’re getting better, my dear.” He kissed my nose then released me. I scrunched up my nose for a brief moment before sighing.

“It’s a good thing I have magic. I don’t think I would’ve made it long as a swashbuckler.” I stated.

“Nonsense! You’re already handling the sword better than most greenhorns. By the time we’re back in Vesuvia, you’ll be a most fearsome opponent.” He winked. He raised his blade and I was ready for another round when I heard the familiar flapping of wings coming our way.

Malak was squawking in panic. He swooped low over us and landed on my shoulder. He cawed and bumped my cheek. Before we could figure out what was wrong, the alarm bell tolled; it’s tone piercing.

“All hands on deck!” Quartermaster Ketos’ voice boomed across the ship followed by the harsh chime of the bell clanging. “Storm's brewing! Get everything tied down! Now!” The deck was alive with crewmates rushing to their stations. Malak hopped from my shoulder and swooped into Mazelinka’s quarters.

I looked off to the horizon. Dark grey clouds of a massive thunderstorm were forming in front of us. “When did that get there?” I mumbled to myself as I numbly sheathed my sword.

Julian placed his arm around my shoulders for a side embrace. “Ah, your first squall. You’ll have sun for ages, not a cloud in the sky, then these lil’ bastards pop up outta nowhere. Not even Mazelinka can predict them, and she’s as salty as they come.” He kissed the top of my head. “Don’t worry, darling. We’ll finish our duel later. For now, we have a storm to face.” He rushed off to join the other men tightening the sails.

I couldn’t tear my eyes off the foreboding skyline. Lightning flashed within its dark depths and I could faintly hear the rumblings of thunder. I sensed this storm to be more than just some light rain. A tightness formed in my chest while the hairs on the back of my neck were on end.

I was suddenly caught between two bodies hugging either side of me. A bubbly raven-haired woman and a near identical blonde one came into view. Their smiles were wide, showing off all their teeth. Their hazel eyes alight with glee.

“It’s a storm, Evie!” The blonde twin, Cita, caterwauled right into my ear.

“Finally! Some excitement!” Elka laughed.

They rushed past me while whooping and hollering. I wished I could match their level of excitement, but I found their enthusiasm to be sorely misplaced.

Portia came up next to me “Let’s see what needs doing.” She gave a soft smile, but she was more rigid than before.

I followed behind her as we went to Ketos. His golden hair was tied back and his goatee looked freshly trimmed. His dark brown eyes landed on us and he looked down from the bridge of his nose. “Wha’ you two want?” His voice was raspy from years of shouting.

“Where ya need us?” Portia asked, unphased by the Quartermaster's brisk nature.

Ketos snorted then pointed down, towards the back of the boat. “Go make sure cargos secured. Captain thinks it’ll be a big one.”

We bowed our heads then we rushed below. Seemed Portia and I were the only ones on cargo duty. We began to grab loose piles of rope on the ground and started to tie down the various wooden boxes.

“Hopefully this squall won’t be a big one. Hate for your first to be a bad one.” Portia said.

“I could disperse this. Then we wouldn’t have to worry.” I grunted as I pulled on a thick piece of rope.

“No!” Portia snapped then grimaced. “I mean, storms like these happen all the time out here. It’s just part of the experience.” She smiled briefly at me.

“But why take the risk when we don’t have to?” I wondered.

Portia was trying to wrap netting around a mountain of crates, but her arms weren’t nearly long enough for the task. “Because if we don’t take the risk now, then the sea will make us pay later.” She huffed between her jumping. “It’s how it works out here. Paying our dues and what not.”

“I suppose.” I helped her with placing the netting over the crates and we moved on to the next section of cargo.

“Don’t worry. Mazelinka’s sailed through worse weather than this. We’ll zip right through it. Might be a bit bumpy, but that’s the fun part!” Portia grinned. I forced myself to agree, but I couldn’t completely shake the sense of dread weighing on my chest. I wouldn’t be able to stop the storm once we were in it. I would just have to put faith in Mazelinka getting us through this.

Portia and I finished tying down the cargo then we climbed back up. When we emerged from the enclosure of the lower deck, it felt like we had walked into complete chaos. The wind greeted us with a slap across our faces. The cheery warm breeze seemed like a distant memory compared to the harsh, cold torrent threatening to knock us off our feet. The light blue sky was being swallowed whole by the dark clouds. I stared in awe at the sheer power this storm had. I could smell the rain in the air and feel the electricity prickling my skin. The ship rocked forward and a great wave crashed over the front of the ship. The force nearly knocked me off balance. Shouting and yelling could be heard over the creaking and groaning of the ship as the crew was frantically trying to prepare.

Julian was suddenly in front of me, gripping both of my shoulders with cold, wet hands. He was drenched in sea water. His auburn hair was plastered around his face. His eyes were looking all around us. “You both need to get below! It’s not safe!”

“I want to help!” I shouted back.

Julian shook his head. “You’ll be more helpful below than up here!”

“Devorak! Get back over here!” Ketos yelled, the wind nearly overpowering his command.

Julian hesitated between his duties and me. He kissed me suddenly, desperately. He parted from my lips and whispered, “I love you.” His brows furrowed before he sprinted back to his post.

Portia grabbed my hand. “Come on! We can help Mazelinka!”

I stood my ground as I watched Julian climb up the rope ladder attached to the side of the mast. There was a wayward line flailing in the wind and he was reaching out to grab it. Portia kept pulling me further away until we were climbing the stairs to the helm. I forced myself to turn away from Julian and followed after Portia.

Mazelinka was holding onto the railing next to the young helmsman, Orvin. His grunts could be heard over the commotion as he struggled to keep us on course. Mazelinka’s salty chestnut hair and burgundy coat were billowing out around her. She was staring at the storm with a toothy grin and a determined look in her eyes.

“Strap in, ladies! It’s about to be a wild ride.” Mazelinka let out a maniacal laugh. Portia and I grabbed ahold of the railing opposite Mazelinka, with the wheel separating us from her. I could see the true havoc from this vantage. From the ship rolling with the waves to the crew running around, barking orders at each other.

Portia and I watched four people, two of them I recognized as Cita and Elka, climbing up the mast. Our heads craned up as they went higher and higher. My stomach twisted at the towering height of the mast swaying above us. Once they reached the cross section, at the top of the sail, where the mast connected to the wooden beam holding the main sail across, they split to the left and right. The pairs shimmied their way across, holding onto the beam, while standing on a rope that stretched from the mast to the end of each beam. The rope sagged from their weight, but held them. They stopped moving then wrapped their upper bodies onto the wooden beam, holding on for dear life.

“Stand ready!” Mazelinka’s voice carried a great amount of strength that filled me with confidence. With ropes in their hands and the crew in their places, they were ready for whatever the storm threw at them.

My fingers dug into the wood. The wind died and the waters calmed. There was a heavy silence over us as we all seemed to be holding our breath at the same time. We glided our way forward to what looked like a hazy wall. As the ship broke through, my body braced itself.

Rain pelted down, starting from the front of the ship then moving over us in a thick sheet. We were all drenched within a matter of seconds. I spat out the cold rain spilling into my mouth and tried to wipe the water from my eyes. The wind blustered from our side, filling my ears with a haunting scream. The waves, twisted in fury by our arrival, were now crashing overboard. The sea swept across the deck trying to grab anyone not firmly holding on. The wood squealed and groaned in such a way I thought the ship would surely break in half. My heart raced and my body shivered.

We were in the storm.

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Read Part 2 Here

A/N part 2: bruh... I spent like a whole day reading over actual sailor journals trying to learn more about what the heck goes on day to day on a ship. Like I done learnt about ship anatomy so I could write this lmaooooo.

After I wrote this and I had someone read it over and they're like "wtf is a ratline??? what's a yard??" and turns out not everyone is as well versed in 16th century pirate ships like I am now. so that was fun trying to put these ship parts into layman terms. which makes sense cause Evie hasn't sailed before so it wouldn't make sense for her to know wtf a yard is. Anyways, that was my brief rant over how I now have useless ship terms in my brain now. thank you for reading <3

#the arcana game #the arcana #julian x apprentice #julian devorak #pirate #story #fanfiction #fanfic #creative writing #portia devorak #mazelinka #original character #cita and elka

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a-deed-without-a-name · 3 years

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All John Winchester wants is for his sons - Dean, Sam and Adam - to be thin and have abs like him. All his beachball sons want is to eat... So what if Adam is the only one who can (just) get out of his chair now?

"You want to sell your soul to..." Crowley began slowly, "Make your sons thin? Am I hearing you right?"

Sitting across the kitchen table, John Winchester nodded curtly. "That's right."

"And you haven't tried - exercise? Dieting? Keto?"

"Trust me, I have tried everything."

"Normally, I don't pry. But are you absolutely sure? A demon deal's a big...well, deal, you know. I've got to do my due diligence here. You're positive there's nothing else you can do?"

Planting his hands on the table, John pushed himself up. "Come with me."

Reluctantly, Crowley followed John out of the exquisitely well-outfitted kitchen (if he still ate, he would have been jealous), down the hall, and to a door. Crowley could hear voices behind it, and simulated gunfire. John knocked once then, almost within the same second, shoved the door open.

There was a boy inside. Very early twenties, if Crowley had to guess, and engaged in what he understood was a normal pastime for that age group: playing video games, reclined in a chair and with a headset on, talking animatedly into the microphone as his hands jiggled around on a controller. What certainly wasn't normal was his size.

He overflowed the (oversized) chair, love handles sitting on the armrests, belly in his lap. His wobbling second chin brushed his microphone with every word he spoke, and the fat on his arms practically vibrated. It was no mystery how he'd reached that size, either, what with the veritable drifts of empty soda bottles and crisp bags surrounding him. In fact, as Crowley watched, he chugged from a half-full bottle, then winced and rubbed at a gurgling belly that must already be massively full.

"My youngest," John deadpanned. "Adam."

Adam started at his voice, pulling off his headset. He saw John, then Crowley, then heaved himself free of the chair with a grunt and an "Oh, hey!" as he reached out a hand to shake in Crowley's direction. It took a huge effort to get to his feet, and he didn't fully make it there, but he was vertical enough for Crowley to see his ass matched the rest of him before John shook his head.

"You're fine, stay where you are." He closed Adam's door, then led Crowley along to the next one, much quieter inside, where he repeated the same cursory knock-and-open.

Crowley supposed, based on your perspective, the occupant could be considered a man or a boy, anywhere from early to late twenties. The roundness of his face, however, probably made him look much younger than he was. It matched the overwhelming plumpness of the rest of him, from the chest the buttons of his shirt strained over, to the gut they'd burst open upon, to the rear Crowley could see raising him full inches, like a cushion, out of his chair. Which he realized swiftly was more motorized scooter than chair. Made sense, seeing as he was estimate something like five to six hundred extra pounds on the tall frame.

This one, long, wavy hair pinned back from his face, didn't notice them either until his father spoke. He was absorbed in the books that covered the desk in front of him, competing for space with mountains of sweets. Cakes, doughnuts, bags of gourmet candy, ice cream dishes going rapidly soft even as he shoveled them carefully into his clearly-greedy mouth.

"Middle," John said flatly. "Sam."

Sam started, then looked at John with pursed lips that suggested a less-than-warm relationship, though the effect was ruined somewhat by sugar-inflated cheeks. John shut the door before he could say anything, and led Crowley to the third in the hall. Crowley winced a bit as a loud belch practically rattled it in its frame before John could even knock.

When he opened the door, Crowley realized that it actually opened into the same room Sam was in, much larger than he'd realized. From this angle, he could see the bed. Utterly enormous, which made sense, seeing as it matched the man...no, blob reclining happily among cushions and food.

He simply couldn't call him anything else.

Not with so many creamy, freckled rolls piled on chest, on belly, all around him. He had a shockingly-handsome face, bright green eyes glued to whatever was playing on the television, but of course it was all but lost in the veritable sea of fat. His chubby sausage fingers could barely handle the remote.

He had no issues whatsoever feeding himself from all the junk food readily at hand, though. As he finished a burger and then lifted a slice of pizza from a box, plowing through it neatly, Crowley couldn't even help thinking about the veritable years of nonstop gorging it had to have taken him to reach this size.

He swallowed, then another huge belch set him shaking...everything except for his distinct gut, which seemed to be stuffed solid. Casually, without taking his eyes off the screen, he greeted, "Hey, Dad."

"And that's my eldest." John slammed the door. "Dean."

He looked at Crowley. Crowley looked back. For a long moment, they simply stared at each other. Then Crowley cleared his throat, pulling a tin of breath mints out of his breastpocket and popping one into his mouth.

"Well. Let's get down to business, shall we?"

#kink stuff #weight gain #asks #prompts #this is a long one you've been warned

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elmerhoyle762-blog · 4 years

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anxpedro87450188-blog · 5 years

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cherimaccarthy-blog · 4 years

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Doing Workouts With A Ketogenic Diet

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aulamillan-blog · 6 years

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artsoccupychi · 7 years

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Why Ketosis Diets Will Fail: The Paleo and Keto Manifesto

The most disturbing trend in Wellness these days is that most people have no idea what to eat.

When choices were fewer, 100 years ago, how to eat for good health was so much clearer.

Americans have been so steeped in the diet fads, that they’re now thoroughly confused about food.

Recently, I mentioned to a Millennial that when I was a kid, we didn’t have bottled water, and she said, with a shocked look on her face, “Then how did you get any water to drink?!”

Similarly, modern people think that in order to eat, you have to follow one of the diet fads. A strange feature of life in 2018 is the need to align with a programmed “food cult,” as I call them.

Thanks to some strange cultural and market forces I do not believe to be particularly helpful to our overall health, food has become much like religion:

Many don’t know how to eat outside of what their food tribe, congregation, or pastor tells them, and every few years, many people convert to the new cult.

“I’m Paleo,” people say–as if identifying with a coat of arms.

I’ve been asked countless times: “What diet do you eat?”

Ketosis Diet Fads

Several years ago, I wrote a detailed blog post on why the Paleo Diet was a fad, wouldn’t last, and why it would eventually be supplanted by a new fad aggrandizing fat rather than protein.

Paleo followers wrote murderous emails and comments.

Now those same people, it seems, are rabidly promoting the Ketogenic Diet.

I felt I was fair to the Paleo Diet. We were friends, to a point. At least the Paleo cult banned processed food, even while glorifying animal flesh foods and strangely vilifying entire classes of foods that hominids and humans have eaten for 3.4 million years:

Legumes. Grains. Fruits.

Now, it seems, we’ve gone from the proverbial frying pan to the fire.

Over-eating fats, glorifying the state of “ketosis,” and inventing many new “[Insert Diet Fad Name]- Approved” packaged foods will not serve us well.

As I predicted would happen from many live stages on my lecture tours earlier in this decade, the new “golden child” in the diet industry is, predictably, fats.

(It turns out over-eating protein saved us from exactly nothing. Following historical trends, then, a new diet fad must be born, to instruct the Western world how to eat.)

(And, fat isn’t really a “new” golden child. It’s a recycled golden child, since Atkins already did it, and the Ketogenic Diet isn’t a lot different from that diet that many published studies showed were not beneficial to our health.)

I’m sure I’ll get hate mail by going on record for this, too:

Over-eating fats, glorifying the state of “ketosis,” and inventing many new “[Insert Diet Fad Name]- Approved” packaged foods will not serve us well, will not reverse the obesity epidemic, and will not reduce the many disease epidemics either.

The least profitable foods—the ones that grow in the ground and on trees—are the least likely to get any significant attention from the food cults.

The most profitable foods, those in packages, made with “proprietary processes” and stamped with “Paleo Friendly” or “Keto Approved,” also have the lowest vibrational energy, the lowest micronutrient levels, and lowest fiber, and the least ability to prevent disease.

I’ve invited some of my friends–medical doctors, researchers, and authors who have watched the diet industry’s chokehold on the American diet with growing alarm–to weigh in on the latest fad now often called “Keto.” Their quotes are included in this blog post.

I believe this latest ketosis diet will be chased off the stage by both research that was already done and published at the end of the reign of the Atkins diet fad–plus additional research that will come–showing how negative the health effects are of overeating animal products, fats in general, and repeatedly manipulating the body into a state of “ketosis.”

I also predict that five years from now, the same people advocating the “ketogenic diet” currently will be onto a new fad, promoting it, instead.

Here’s the thing: the diet industry is big business. Tens of billions of dollars a year. It’s in collusion with the packaged food industry.

These wealthy industries aren’t going anywhere. And they are a treadmill, needing a new fad every few years, to replace “Paleo Approved” products with “Keto Approved” products.

Why Are There so Many Diet Plans?

The diet authors and processed food industries pivot, pose, and preen–based on whatever is popular. Not, you should understand, what’s actually good for you.

Elimination diets. The bone broth diet. The coffee-and-butter diet. The cabbage soup diet. The green smoothies diet. The werewolf (lunar) diet. The grapefruit diet. The tapeworm diet. The blood type diet. The apple cider vinegar diet. The cotton ball diet.

The authors of some of these books are friends of mine. Good people.

And I’m not innocent. I wrote The Green Smoothies Diet, after all. (I threw that in, to be fair. Someone would have brought it up.) And I’m willing to throw my own book on the pileup, to make an important point.

(As a sidenote, though, may I share why I wrote that book? What I actually wrote wasn’t a “diet” at all. It was about how throwing lots of superfoods and greens in a blender is an answer to our nutrient insufficiency, in an age where we want all our food to be “fast.” But the publisher insisted on naming it The Green Smoothies Diet. “Write whatever you want,” they said—”but we WILL call it a ‘diet,’ and if you refuse, we’ll find another author to write it.” That book has sold more copies than my other 14 books combined. Which already makes one of my points: diet books sell.)

So, aggrandizing one food class, or one food, as if it has magical properties that will save everyone from every disease, is good for business.

Vilifying a class of foods, and teaching people how to avoid them, is big business, too, and fundamental to the diet industry.

(To do either of these things, you generally have to cherry-pick data, ignoring a great deal of evidence to the contrary.)

I play tennis competitively, and on the court recently, one of my tennis teammates was doubled over. It was only 9 am, so I asked:

“You seem really tired, what’s wrong?”

She said, “I’m on the ketogenic diet, and I’m exhausted. My husband just got really ‘shredded’ on it, but I don’t feel good at all.”

You can lose weight in countless ways. Atkins, Ketogenic, you name it, they’re banning whole categories of foods, and they’ve all been shown, in studies tracking what the dieter actually eats, to be clever forms of calorie restriction.

(Many evaluations of the popular diets since Atkins have shown that since no one wants to eat unlimited protein, or unlimited fats, dieters end up eating fewer calories.)

Vilifying Carbs

But your body has used carbohydrates–70 percent carbohydrates, on average–since the dawn of time. It’s the food your liver requires.

Carbohydrates aren’t bad, just by virtue of being carbohydrates.

The talk about “carbs” is virtually meaningless, since most foods are high in carbohydrates.

You’ve got simple and complex carbs, whole-food carbs and refined-food carbs. You’ve got “carb” foods full of important soluble or insoluble fiber–or both. You’ve got wonderful “carb” foods that are extremely high in micronutrients (hundreds of different vitamins, minerals, enzymes, phytonutrients)–and others that are worthless, and harmful, with virtually no micronutrients.

(In fact, it should be noted that “proteins” and “fats” as classes of foods, while they have important properties needed for health, are almost always foods with little or no dietary fiber, and very little micronutrient density as well. Since our gastrointestinal cancers epidemic is largely due to lack of fiber, and lack of micronutrients, in the “standard American diet,” eliminating carbs seems a terrible idea, for cancer prevention, cancer treatment, and especially related to colorectal cancers.)

Truly, lumping all the foods containing “carbohydrate” into a single class makes little sense.

Because even if we narrow it down and look at two foods high in simple sugars as an example, a bagel and a banana are very different foods.

Comparing Carbs: a Banana vs a Bagel…

The bagel is Roundup-sprayed (twice!), stripped of fiber and lacking any real micronutrients, gluey, and will slow your digestion. It has nothing to offer you besides a gluten reaction and a blood-sugar and insulin spike.

A banana, though, has soluble fiber and dozens of nutrients, including potassium and magnesium. It is a high-vibration food that contributes to longevity.

Calling both of these foods “carbs” is misleading—virtually useless, in fact.

Eliminating or severely restricting carbohydrates from the diet as both the Paleo and Keto diets do is especially problematic since foods considered “carbs” are the foods highest in fiber and micronutrients, which are linked, in thousands of studies, to reduced disease risk.

Fasting

Fasting is part of the ketogenic diet, and fasting is a great idea.

(However, to put the logical fallacy to rest, just because fasting is part of the ketogenic diet, and fasting is good for you, does not mean the ketogenic diet is a healthy, sustainable way to live, or even a good way to lose weight.)

Fasting is research- and time-tested. Many cultures of the world have engaged in periods of not eating, for physical purification as well as spiritual benefits, and many research studies show fasting to be beneficial for human health.

But the benefits of fasting aren’t necessarily related to the state of “ketosis,” where starvation supposedly forces fat burn. (See Dr. Alan Christianson’s quote, below, about whether “ketosis” is even what the Keto diet claims it is.)

I’m far more interested in the induced state of autophagy from a 12-hour fast, or for a longer fast lasting several days.

I’ve water-fasted (no food, only water) for 7 days, 9 days, and 12 days, in the past two years.

Why? Because in autophagy, when the body has no food, it scavenges aberrant cells, and immune function goes into high gear, gobbling up cancer cells, yeast, mold, byproducts of metabolism—generally and specifically cleaning house.

I believe fasting is one of the most powerful things you can do for longevity and to avoid chronic disease. Thomas Lodi, M.D., a Columbia-trained medical doctor, presents all his patients with information on water fasting, and tells them it’s the single most powerful thing they can do, in their cancer treatment.

Compare that to the ketogenic diet plan, where you may be advised to drink acidic coffee full of butter, and a plate of bacon–which is unsustainable, unpalatable long-term, and artery-clogging, as well as devastatingly low in chlorophyll, oxygen, raw enzymes, phytonutrients, vitamins, and minerals.

Are Low Carb Diets Good For You?

Let’s take a look at some of the myths around the diet industry’s concept that carbs make you tired, sick, and fat.

Ari Whitten and Wade Smith, MD’s book, The Low Carb Myth, says this:

“The Carbohydrate Theory of Obesity [an attempt to blame fat gain on carbohydrates and sugars] is based on numerous scientific inaccuracies, omissions of data, and countless instances of data cherry-picking.”

One study showed the Paleo Diet to be most essentially defined, by its followers, as eating more vegetables. If that’s the case, we’re all friends here.

The Paleo diet did ban white flour, processed sugar, and chemicals in your food.

Unfortunately, most people embracing it eat even more animal products (protein and fat) than the average American does, and that is an important note, in pointing out the problems with the Paleo diet.

Legumes, fruits, and unprocessed grains have been part of healthy diets worldwide since the dawn of man 3.4 million years ago, as shown by recent research on early hominids at the University of Utah.

If you don’t want to eat legumes and whole grains, or if you’re reactive to legumes due to a damaged microbiome–fine, you can probably also stay healthy eating really clean forms of animal protein.

But keep in mind that it generally takes 20 pounds of plants to bring 1 pound of animal food to market.

If vegetarians and vegans make you angry (both Paleo and Keto diet proponents tend to be rather anti-vegan), check your thinking—because while vegans may be dogmatic, while you may not like their style in promoting their diet–their diet is using 5 percent of the Earth’s resources to sustain themselves, compared to someone eating the 30 to 60 percent animal proteins of the Paleo and Keto diets.

The healthy ones, the ones who eat whole foods—I’m not talking about the junk food vegans—they’re living with far less impact on the planet.

Maybe we should all thank a vegetarian today, even if you’re personally choosing to eat meat. The direction we’re driving the diet bus, these days, with so many packaged foods and animal foods, isn’t sustainable ecologically.

Why The Keto Diet is Doomed

We can all be friends, and I love the Paleo diet getting people off processed food.

But Paleo’s new, sexy sibling, the Ketogenic diet? It’s just bad news. It’s lipstick on a pig.

(Let the hate mail begin.)

And the worst of the bad are these people selling toxic jugs of “ketones.” Please don’t drink this plastic, petroleum-product garbage. It’s pure marketing, it’s not food, and it’s not good for you.

The Ketogenic diet will get run out of town by scientific studies of long-term results, eventually. Like all the others have. (Eat Right for Your Blood Type, Atkins, and Paleo come to mind.)

And in fact, the ketogenic diet is so similar to Atkins, that many experts have written entire books warning America that the excesses of animal products and the strange “ketones” phenomenon represent a serious threat to public health, based on volumes of published research.

Use your critical thinking skills rather than sign on as a human guinea pig every time the diet and food-manufacturing industries put a new spin on a tired, old debunked concept in front of you.

We already know what people eat who lose weight and keep it off. High-fat, bacon-and-eggs meals with coffee, that’s not it.

Cancer survivor and nutrition researcher Chris Wark says, “The ketogenic diet is like fasting, only with none of the health benefits.”

In effect, the Keto marketers have brought one of the worst, but most popular, diets in the history of diets (Atkins!), back to life. With a twist. (It’s still bacon and coffee for breakfast. But….there’s fasting!)

With the ketogenic diet’s new obsession with “fasting”—diet marketers have taken something good, and made it into something commercial and less than helpful.

(Also, how is not eating from early dinner to late breakfast ‘fasting?’ I was raised in a religious tradition, along with millions of others, where we fasted for 24 hours, once a month. Every child over 8 was encouraged to do this. It’s good for the body and spirit.)

In effect, the Keto marketers have brought one of the worst, but most popular, diets in the history of diets (Atkins!), back to life.

With a twist. (It’s still bacon and coffee for breakfast. But….there’s fasting!)

Haven’t we evolved past this? Eat for ‘ketosis’ and plan to have constipation, bad breath, yo-yo weight loss and gain, and your liver breaking down, just like happened for millions of Atkins suffers. (And Dr. Robert Atkins himself suffered from heart disease and overweight.)

We already learned with the Atkins Diet that bouncing in and out of ‘ketosis’ is a great way to end up heavier than you started, and possibly with diabetes.

Experts Challenge Ketogenic Myths

Ari Whitten and Wade Smith, MD, said, in their book, The Low-Carb Myth:

“….the notion of everyone eating diets of essentially nothing but fat and protein with only a tiny amount of carbohydrate as a widespread initiative to combat obesity is laughable, since any dietary pattern so extreme as to jettison an entire macronutrient (and simultaneously limit another one) is simply unsustainable for the majority of people.”

My friend, the filmmaker Harry Massey, was convinced by a mutual friend of ours, one of the diet-book authors, to try the new fad, and this is what he told me:

“I went on the ketogenic diet, I felt like crap, and three months later I was diabetic.”

Dr. Alan Christianson, NMD, NYT bestselling author, challenges the entire foundation of the diet:

“The ketogenic diet is a legitimate tool for helping reduce seizures among epileptic children who did not respond to medication. We may learn more in the coming years about benefits to other conditions, but most think of it as an easy path to weight loss.

“The underlying assumption people make is that the ketogenic diet makes them better at burning fat. Sadly, it does the exact opposite, and the confusion comes about from using the phrase ‘burning fat’ in two different contexts. Using fat for fuel is called beta-oxidation. Breaking down body fat is called lipolysis. Ketosis is the state in which your liver cannot burn fat for fuel. It can burn fat for fuel only when carbohydrate and protein are also present.

“A ketogenic diet only leads to lipolysis when it contains fewer calories than is needed. This is true of any diet. When a ketogenic diet has more calories than is needed, the extra dietary fat that is initially converted to ketones gets turned into triglycerides and stored as body fat.

“In a controlled human study comparing a ketogenic diet against a high carb, high-sugar diet with the same number of calories, the high-carb diet led to more fat loss than the ketogenic diet.

“Besides the lack of efficacy for weight loss, the ketogenic diet has risks to consider for those seeking to improve their health. The evidence supporting the benefits of dietary fiber, vitamins, and minerals, is undeniable. The ketogenic diet is devoid of fiber, and low in vitamins and minerals.

“Along with a myriad of side effects like fatigue, diarrhea, muscle cramps, and headaches, people on ketogenic diets also run the risks of:

hypothyroidism

impaired athletic performance

“We may find more medical applications of the ketogenic diet and more ways to mitigate some of the inherent risks and deficiencies it creates. However, ketones are not the ‘preferred’ source of fuel for the human body, nor are they effective hacks for weight loss.”

–Alan Christianson, NMD

In fact, when U.S. News and World Report ranked diets for nutrition and successful weight loss, the Paleo Diet ranked 36th out of 40!

One of the most troubling aspects to the new diet fad is the claim that it will cure cancer.

When Dr. Charles Majors first began claiming that the ketogenic diet cures cancer, many experts demanded any longitudinal study with evidence of this. Not only did Dr. Majors fail to produce any, he also recently passed away. Of cancer.

As a counterpoint, the Gerson therapy as a nutritional regimen for cancer, has reversed tens of thousands of cancer patients’ Stage IV cancer for 100 years now, and while it’s not a miracle cure, in this age of toxicity and far more virulent forms of cancer, it is based on far more legitimate concepts.

First, more than 10 glasses a day of fresh pressed green and vegetable juice floods the body with nutrients and oxygen to detoxify and rebuild immune function. (The ketogenic diet is high in fats, but very low in both fiber and micronutrients, as Dr. Christianson pointed out, in the quote above.)

Second, Gerson uses efficacious, non-toxic methods of breaking down and eliminating tumor tissue. (That’s glucose plus oxygen in the cells, using organic plant material in “carbohydrate” foods rich in every known anti-cancer nutrient: the effect is alkalizing and cancer destroying.)

Reconsider Diet Fad-Hopping

I hope you’ll reconsider jumping on every bandwagon, each time a new fad diet comes out.

The “diet before diets” was heavily plant based–rich in greens, vegetables, fruits, legumes, whole grains, nuts and seeds.

The “diet before diets” was heavily plant based (as opposed to vegetarian or vegan, which implies no animal products, ever) rich in greens, vegetables, fruits, legumes, whole grains, nuts and seeds. Healthy people from all over the world, as documented best in the Blue Zones research, ate quite widely varying diets based on what was available in specific geographic areas.

Here’s another quote by cardiologist Dr. Joel Kahn, MD, Wayne State Clinical Professor of Medicine:

“While ketogenic diets prompt the production of ketone bodies as fuel and are of proven value in rare cases of refractory epilepsy, they are also associated with data in several studies suggesting they boost long term risk of premature death. I would not advise the daily use of a long term ketogenic strategy based on animal product consumption.”

If we must attach a name to the “diet” associated with health and longevity, the plant-based and Mediterranean diets are the only ones that consistently show long-term positive outcomes, across thousands of published studies. The 2013 Yale meta study under the direction of David Katz, MD, reviewed over 10,000 published studies in the field of nutrition over the course of the past decade, and concluded that the most consistent finding is that eating more plants prevents disease.

(Both the Paleo and Keto diets, the way that most people follow them, have people eating even more animal foods than in the Standard American Diet.)

Primarily plant-based diets are what the vast majority of people ate before there were “diets.” (Notice that said “primarily plant-based,” which is different than “vegetarian” or “vegan.”)

Of course there has been wide variety in the specific foods eaten by various peoples, based on their availability, for 3.4 million years of human history.

But degenerative disease was rare in cultures eating whole foods, including mostly carbohydrates, for the entire history of humans, until 100 years ago when the processed food industry was born and the diet industry followed, right behind it.

Robyn Openshaw, MSW

Robyn is the founder of GreenSmoothieGirl.com and the bestselling author of The Green Smoothies Diet, 12 Steps to Whole Foods, and Vibe: Unlock the Energetic Frequencies of Limitless Health, Love & Success. Her video masterclass on how she lost 70 pounds, got off 5 prescription drugs, and eliminated 21 diagnosed diseases, eating whole foods (and not dieting), is a free gift to you.

Disclosure: Affiliate links in the post above help support the GSG mission without costing you extra. I recommend only companies and products that I use myself.

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