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kinetic-elaboration · 4 years

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February 17: 2x07 Catspaw

It’s not Halloween but it is my mom’s birthday so a very good opportunity to watch Catspaw.

So we start with Sulu and Scotty missing on an away mission but why exactly the Enterprise is here and what the away mission was is not explained...

Also speaking of interesting and unusual combos--Scotty and Sulu!

“I have a bad feeling about this.”

I like Uhura’s nails. They go so well with her communications board. Even her job is stylish.

Oooh, possessed dead mannequin crew member warning the ship that it has been cursed?? Very promising.

Also falling like that was an impressive stunt.

Lol Assistant Chief Engineer Dealle is in charge because the first and second in command are going after the third and fourth in command. What would TNG have to say about that??

According to the Amazon trivia, Uhura was supposed to be the next in command and in charge of the ship in this ep but NBC didn’t want a woman in charge and can I just say that if this is true we were ROBBED.

Oooh mysterious fog.

Chekov and his terrible wig. Should have left him in charge.

Also it’s interesting that this is the first Chekov episode in production order and he’s actually not the navigator. He’s Spock’s backup.

This is like a game of telephone: Chekov tells Desalle to tell Uhura to tell Kirk.

This is a very serious, creepy, mysterious opening in a lot of ways (the dead crewman mystery) but I remember this as more of a goofy, silly episode. (But actually upon having now seen the whole thing... it’s more serious than I remembered in its sci fi concepts! I guess I was just remembering the witches lol.)

Honestly those witches... I guess Macbeth is a pretty big part of Earth Lore lol. I think McCoy is alarmed and unsettled by this while Spock is more intrigued and Kirk just thinks it’s dumb.

I love Kirk’s face when Spock’s only comment is “bad poetry.” Hilarious. Like “I love you but please be more helpful. This is Serious Time not time to play games and fuck with me.”

I really like Kirk in this episode. He’s giving off smart, curious explorer vibes. (Although I will say, with the whole episode down... he is very harsh on the aliens. I mean he lost a man in the opening and so he’s not down to clown but still.. I think he overestimates their hostility some.)

Creepy castle. Trick-or-treating. I want the deleted scene where Kirk explains Trick-or-Treating to Spock.

Kirk looks so frustrated by the cat.

“I’m not that green.” Lol.

What a talented cat actor!! Trot trot trot.

“Bones? I mean...the other Bones?” Maybe a different nickname today. That’s a really underrated joke.

I wish they’d picked up on Spock and put some Vulcan horror in there too. (Although I guess creating horror tropes wasn’t exactly their intention...) I wonder what Vulcan subconscious horror is like.

That was actually a pretty cool transition from the dungeon to the dining room.

Kirk would be more impressed with all this if they hadn’t killed someone. He’s never up for fun and games when someone’s dead. He’s very dubious about all of this, especially the cat.

Hmm, they are not native.

Kirk’s face just screams: “So the cat...is talking...to you?” (Actually you know what, I do think it’s very interesting that Korob can understand Sylvia even when she’s speaking in a different language.)

I bet young Spocks read about wizards and familiars and was super taken with the idea.

I don’t believe for one second that Spock’s thoughts are black and white lol. This decadent bitch? No way.

None of this is Kirk’s interest. Illusions, weird tricks, people who don’t give straight answers. This is not the way to impress him or make him want to help you in any way.

McCoy the jewel expert. These look real!

You like shiny stuff right humans? Pretty crystalline forms for you?? Not in a post-scarcity utopia!

McCoy has just realized this woman IS the cat.

Hmmm, telepathy, like Spock’s?

I want that Enterprise necklace!!

“You do with your minds what we do with tools.”

Lol at Kirk thinking he’s won because he can send another search party. Like... how’d the last search party work out for you?

Mmm, Kirk looking at the necklace. That’s some Acting.

Credits to navy beans.

“An Earthman like yourself...”

These aliens are very interesting. Very, totally alien, as Spock says. This idea that they tried to read the humans’ minds and missed their target is just so cool. Like, they weren’t trying to create a weird Halloween experience, they thought they were creating a familiar home for the aliens. “Oh, a castle, just like home!”

So it sounds like this planet is not that far away from Earth. The aliens are coming closer...

Haha Sylvia says she’s not a puppet but ironically--she is exactly, literally a puppet.

I’m just going to say it: Sylvia is one of the best female characters in TOS. Like should I be insulted that the lady alien went insane and emotional and messed everything up? Probably but I prefer to think of it as her being intrigued and invested in her own power and possibilities and then she goes overboard.

Anyway this is Macbeth whoops

“You torture our specimens.”

So what is their mission??

Hmm, she’s really into Kirk. And he knows just how to manipulate her: telling her she’s not really a woman, she’s not real, then transitioning into Honeypot Mode.

“I can be many women,” she says and just puts on different wigs.

Whoops she found his conscious mind. So much for manipulating her.

And so the familiar becomes the wizard.

This is sad; they could have become friends with the aliens. Korob doesn’t seem so bad.

Big cat!! Really big cat! Not the most terrifying creature at all; the nicest and softest. I'm not convinced that cat is big; I think it's pretty obvious the hallway is just small. However, I like the idea. I wish I had a super big cat to be friends with.

[Cat screams continue]

“Well at least we found them.”

Spock is so unruffled. "Hmmm, this is most unpleasant. If only we had some kind of weapon or something..."

“I got the transmuter. It’s mine now.”

Sylvia is obviously still into him lol.

“Don’t let her touch the wand.” It’s a transmuter Spock have you not been listening?

THE PUPPETS.

Spock wants to study them. Of course he does. And so the specimen becomes the scientist and the scientist the specimen.

...Overall an interesting ep. But I do have some questions. One of those eps that leaves a lot of world bulding unsaid, which leaves room for fun speculation.

So, first, these aliens came from very far away, and now they’re in our galaxy. Mom question if it was an “invasion.” I think so, at least in a neutral sense. But what was their purpose? Why were they traveling to new planets? Do they need something their planet can’t give them? Or are they just exploring for fun/curiosity--as we ourselves do?

Sometimes they’d speak as if they had some greater mission--the references to the old ones, their insistence on getting the humans’ help as if they relied on it, their “tests” like they were looking for something specific--but the actual mission was never stated or even hinted at. So I guess it’s just as possible they were exploring as intelligent beings do, and then found these humans, and came to really like them and just thought the alliance (or possible further study) could be advantageous.

Are these two the only aliens left or are there others back home? I assume there are others but it wasn’t completely clear if the “old ones” were memories or beings with, like, literal oversight.

Also, why were Scotty and Sulu on the planet in the first place? Spock says the planet has never known to have beings on it. So was the Enterprise just like triple checking that or did they have a reason to go down? Did Korob and Sylvia lure them? Because I felt like Kirk's annoyance with them was rather unfounded if his men just invaded their home first. I tend to think that they were in the area and something on the planet attracted them--that the aliens specifically wanted them to come down. That, and the killing of Jackson, would make Kirk’s reaction to them more reasonable.

I’m not saying I don’t have sympathy for the aliens because I definitely do. Like, we would absolutely do the same thing: find the interesting specimens and examine them. These are curious aliens. A lot of what they do seems to be in fun also--providing the humans with a setting they think the humans will like; offering them things; playing around with illusion. Of course then there are hostile actions--like killing Jackson, manipulating Scotty, Sulu, and Bones, and harming the Enterprise. But it’s not entirely clear to me if these are meant to be hostile actions, or if they just don’t see them as that serious--or perhaps, serious but worth it. Also some of it might just be Sylvia going power-mad (like the Enterprise torture, which Korob didn’t like).

I wonder what the aliens were doing on the planet before the Enterprise arrived. Were they in their real forms, or were they creating other illusions? They took these forms (human and cat) from the Enterprise crew’s mind so one would assume they looked different before the Enterprise got there. Were they on their way somewhere else? Could they have already known about Earth, even?

I like these aliens because they really do feel alien. I think that’s very difficult; a lot of sci fi (including Star Trek, often) presents aliens against the bar of humans: how are they different from humans, as opposed to, what are they like? These aliens have some very impressive powers: mind-reading, mental control, shapeshifting, “magic.” But their powers also have limits: they don’t always read minds correctly, for example, and Sylvia is so easily corrupted by her newfound love of sensation. And like I said before, their actions seem erratic and the morality of them hard to parse, perhaps because they’re just operating on a completely different moral plane than people.

Like, why DID they kill Jackson? Did Sylvia do it just because she could? Was it part of the test? Korob says later “you were warned not to come and you came anyway, that shows loyalty,” and the nature of the warning--the curse--was also taken from the horror subconscious. So maybe they thought this is how you communicate with humans, and the idea that killing one of them was so egregious didn’t occur to them, either because they see the humans as specimens, and would no more mourn our deaths than we mourn the deaths of lab rats (or than Kirk et.al. mourned the aliens tbqh), or because they just have a different relationship to death on their planet.

And what was the purpose of taking control of Scotty, Sulu, and Bones? Some of the dialogue implies that control is part of their telepathy--and yet they seem more than capable of reading minds without actually altering what the object of the mind reading does. Do they gain control when they go particularly deep in their interrogations? Why are they interrogating that deeply at all, and what are they STILL looking for after taking control of 3 people?

Another possibility is that they had too many specimens and didn’t know enough about them to feel comfortable letting them all roam free. They were outnumbered 5 to 2. The fewer people who are free, the easier to interrogate them and learn about them--they also use physical restraints at times, and after they try talking to 3 and find it too much, they switch to talking to 1 at a time.

And then finally, as with the killing of Jackson--it might just be something they did because they can. And I have to say, humans would be the same. Like if we had a group of aliens, we’d use the tools at our disposal to corral and restrain them and then learn about them, not necessarily malevolently, but for our own safety and sense of power and control. And some people probably would cross lines. Like, Korob and Sylvia aren’t entirely benevolent OR malevolent. They’re just alien.

The transmuter was very weird. I have to say, it didn’t really make sense. They seemed to use their powers just fine without it most of the time, which is why I’m inclined to think Sylvia wasn’t lying when she said it just magnified their abilities. BUT then why did destroying it destroy all the illusion? It seems pretty obviously just a plot device that would allow the episode to wrap up in an hour.

I’m also confused and intrigued by the line that they used the transmuter to get to the planet. How do you use it to travel?

And...why did they die in the end? If those were their real forms, you’d think being returned to them wouldn’t harm them in any way. And yet they seemed to disintegrate right there. They did seem very delicate and we don’t know what their native planet was like. Perhaps they needed the transmuter/their shape-shifting abilities to survive on this planet at all.

Actually just occurred to me--the transmuter. Maybe their mind reading abilities are inherent but their shape-shifting isn’t. Although that raises the question of how they could have built something so big when they are so small--does the wand itself change shape and size?

One interesting thing about these aliens is that even though they appear as humans without being humans, they are NOT energy beings like a lot of other aliens who shape-shift to human forms. They haven’t transcended to a state beyond teh physical form. Unlike the Organians or the aliens from Return to Tomorrow, there’s no sense that they are purposefully evolving or striving toward being so mentally powerful that they no longer need the body--they do have bodies and they are physical beings, but one of their, imo, inherent powers is this extreme mental capacity, including a version of telepathy and a version of shapeshifting.

The Amazon summary says they are “aliens on a mission of conquest” but I don’t think that’s true.

Anyway idk if I had other thoughts but I’m becoming decreasingly coherent so I think it’s time for bed!

Next up is I, Mudd. I’m not a big Harvery Mudd fan but I seem to remember there were some funny bits in that ep so it should be fun.

#the year 2021 #2021: fandom thoughts #2021: star trek #star trek tos

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sallyhasopinions · 4 years

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Safety Last!

That’s right, our inaugural review is very untimely indeed. Safety Last! is a silent film that came out in 1923 and stars Harold Lloyd as, uh, Harold Lloyd, a young man trying to make his fortunes in the big city. This film is considered a romantic comedy, but the plot is a paper-thin veneer covering the true purpose of the movie - this is actually about STUNTS.

This film is in the public domain in the US as of 2019 and can be watched in full on YouTube, but I downloaded it from archive.org.

Spoilers ahead, friends.

World’s Barest Plot Description:

Our hero Harold leaves his hometown of Great Bend and his fiancée, Mildred, to get a job in the city and make enough money that he will be able to marry and support her. He tells Mildred he has gotten an important job and is making good money, and he supports this lie by spending far more than he can afford on lavish gifts to send back home to her. He is actually a lowly clerk at the department store where he claims to have a management position. Mildred comes to the city to see him and he has to cover his lies through a series of trying situations at work. While attempting to retrieve her handbag from his manager’s office, he overhears the manager saying that he will give a thousand dollars to anyone who can come up with a publicity stunt that will draw hundreds of people to the store. He proposes having a man climb the façade of the building that houses the department store, which is exactly the kind of publicity stunt that was common in the 1920s (consider flagpole sitting). Harold intends to rope his roommate/compatriot Bill into climbing the building, but through a series of unfortunate circumstances, he ends up climbing the building on his own. The film ends with he and Mildred strolling away arm in arm.

Serious Reviewing Business:

Like I mentioned above, the plot is a pretty thin contrivance for the purpose of setting up some extended stunting and physical gags. Luckily, it does those really, really well. This film is up there with the best of them in terms of showing the movie-going public some absolutely wild early stunt and special effects work, and those aspects hold up.This movie is the Trope Maker for the Stock Clock Hand Hang. It’s also still pretty funny. But of course, it’s not perfect, so let’s get to...

The Metrics:

Bechdel Test: Failed. There are roughly three female characters - Mildred, her mother, and a girl that works at the department store with Harold. Mildred and her mother do appear absent any male characters, but only discuss Harold.

Mako Mori Test: Failed. Mildred is little more than a plot device and displays virtually no agency of her own, even unquestioningly pretending to have fainted at Harold’s request with no explanation at one point.

Representation:

There are three black people in this movie, which is more than I expected. A black baby is accidentally momentarily kidnapped early in the film when Harold mistakes the child’s carrier for his suitcase while rushing to catch the train. The baby’s caregiver runs after Harold to retrieve the baby and bring him his suitcase. Later, a black man is tricked into carrying Harold into the department store disguised as a mannequin when he is late for work, and is startled when Harold sneezes and gives away his charade. The man is later seen having climbed up into a corner of the room and refusing to come down, apparently still frightened that a mannequin had come to life. Problematic.

There’s also a stereotypical “greedy Jew” character in the form of a jeweler who sells Harold a lavalier chain for Mildred. It might not strike as a super obvious caricature to a modern viewer, but the musical cue changes and he is given a stereotypical Jewish surname in a text card.

Women are portrayed as fighting pretty viciously with each other over fabrics when there is a sale at the department store. At one point, Harold “measures” whether a piece of fabric is a yard and a half by holding it up against a larger woman and a thinner woman. Mildred is intentionally portrayed as a bit dowdy and naïve compared to the more urbane and fashionable city women. The fact that Harold has been lying to Mildred is never resolved.

Other Issues:

Harold is friends with a police officer and tells his roommate that he could prank the officer and get away with it no problem. It doesn’t turn out the way he plans, but it’s still a show of white male privilege that hits different today than it would have in 1923.

The trials and tribulations Harold faces as a retail employee are strikingly similar to those faced by retail employees today. He is kept past closing, physically assaulted, and reprimanded by management following his physical assault for looking unprofessional. Harold is also ultimately pushed into risking life and limb for $1,000, which would be worth a bit more than $15,000 in modern times.

At one very brief point a cat is picked up by its tail. Pigeons, mice, and a very cute bully-style dog also appear. The mouse may have been harmed.

A drunk man appears to mock a woman who is purchasing alcohol. This film was filmed and set during Prohibition, so it is labeled as a nerve tonic.

Final Scores:

Deaths: 0

Smooches: 4

Sex: None

Substance Use/Abuse: Alcohol is not referred to by name but a drunk person appears.

Violence: Milder than classic cartoons.

Profanity: Only mouthed; it’s a silent film.

Watch with Kids: Maybe, given the social issues. Probably would not interest most kids.

Watch with Parents: Totally safe to view with your elders.

Sally Says: Worth a watch.

#classic film #film review #movie review #films #movies #safety last #public domain #sally has opinions #bechdel fail #mako mori fail

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atlantisking · 6 years

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( this is all i have to show for it, - i blurred my name out - but tbh i’m a wuss and after signing a contract on not leaking things, i didn’t want to lift my camera high enough to people to even have the doubt that i might be taking photos because i don’t want to be sued by WB thank you very much... the second photo i posted before, but the significance of the corner of that white tent is that it was literally the tent where Gal was changing from scene to scene. our little open tent was right next to hers where we could sit if we wanted and we had a monitor, that’s pictured, where we could watch what the actual scene looks like filmed, but most of the time we’d rather walk to the side of the set to watch it live )

anyway... so this will be vague and spoiler free because what’s fun about already knowing some big twists before you’ve even seen it? okay like i don’t know the biggest twists either, but we were shown some definite spoilers. the only person i talked to about this in fuller detail was husband, because i trust him not to tell anyone, but tbh even to him i said things where he said ‘i didn’t want to know that!’ so yeah i’ll be vague.

if you don’t know what my job is, this is probably weird, but for those who do, they probably understand why i got so lucky to go to the set. so my morning was really crap as i’m sure you’ve seen from my post, i had to be at the studio by 10am, so i actually picked a really early train that would get me there just after 9 so i’m definitely not late. but life wanted to fuck with me, so when i got to the train station they immediately cancelled the train i needed to take, and then shortly after the train that was half an hour later as well to make sure i definitely don’t get there on time. so immediate stress at 7 in the morning. but i wasn’t gonna give up, so i went to the other train station in town to get an alternate route. i live about 40 minutes outside of london to the south west, whereas the studio is on the north of london. so through my alternate route i got to london by 9 but by train getting to the studio would’ve been another 1,5 hours, so i sprinted to the taxis and jumped in the first one and wow that’s expensive and let’s never do that again (at least i can claim it back from work), but the guy at least got me there by 9:57 so... success. although i left my hat in the taxi but fuck it...

i was given passes for myself and my fellow visitors, who arrived not long after me and we went inside a place that i think they call the war room, but i might be saying bollocks anyway, this room is full of pictures categorised by the main themes and chapters of the film, all having photos that you probably have seen and many that you haven’t. even to us they blocked out the last few chapters just so we still get a lot of surprises when we watch the film. what can i say, once again everything looks gorgeous. after that we were given the contracts to sign so yeah i keep repeating i won’t say anything even remotely spoilery here...

our next stop was the costume department, we actually saw lindy hem.ming for a very short moment where she said hi before we were given a tour from another member responsible for the costumes. the room we were led to had some of the main outfits on mannequins with accessories next to them spread out on a table and pictures of the costumes in action behind them. obviously the first one was the iconic ww costume, redone for this film, as we have already seen it’s a lot more colourful and we got to touch it and wonder tbh at the fact that it all looks like metal but the materials they work with are super light. the inventiveness for replacing materials is really cool, we have been given many examples that are more spoilery. fun fact, because of wear and tear, the main costume they have made about twenty of. i have seen the outfit from that image of steve tre.vor with the fanny pack and the black jogging outfit, and some outfits of pedro pas.cal’s character, and some bar.bara mine.rva things but i won’t go into detail. we were in awe already tbh and then we had a short visit to the workshop where they create and mould some of the armours and weapons.

then we were moving on to visiting some of the sets, we walked past some extras already dressed up in full on 80′s style, the attention to detail is amazing but i could say that every two seconds, like you can get why it takes so long to make a film, because they really think of every small bit that you might never notice because it’s gone in a second, but it’s there. so we visited the set of diana’s workplace which i can’t remember if it was revealed yet so i won’t say it, but because they weren’t filming there, the light were taken to somewhere else so it was literally pitch black, we had to use our phones to light our way. but when you walk onto set, it’s like you just travelled through time and space and you find yourself in a different world... we also got to see diana’s office there. you could look through her bookshelf, see what she’s working on, some artefacts lying around... it’s indescribable. then we went onto see her apartment! fun fact, the actual apartment they found in the US but then they built the interior in the WB studio, so in the film when you’ll see her out on the balcony, that’s in the states, she walks inside and suddenly she’s in the UK in that studio. once again we could walk through her rooms, see some files she’s been working on left on the coffee table... it was really cool, i’m just fangirling really. fun fact, because there’s only one shot in her bedroom (i don’t think that’s a terrible spoiler), they actually didn’t build the right wall so we walked through there.

we then saw some stunt doubles doing a fight scene with the cgi dots on their faces so later they can add the actors’ faces. saw some scenes where people were slammed through walls and such, very intense!

then came the even more surreal part, got in cars to drive to the back lot, our cars just slowed to a stop when a woman ran across the road towards a set nearby, we only saw her back but we already knew it was pat.ty jen.kins. so we walked up there and were introduced and once again sorry, won’t describe the scene but film sets are the coolest... of course there are massive blue screens around, as far as the street scene goes, they create the perfect atmosphere for a foreign country. then walking on the set, ready to film was suddenly gal... so tall and beautiful, full of smiles and a nice word for everyone, she is a literal sunshine like her energy is absolutely infectious i can’t even describe but you can’t help but for in love with her at least for a few seconds. she was in full hair and make up, wearing the tiara but with a purple dressing gown because it wasn’t that warm so she would freeze to death running around in that tiny costume otherwise. then the filming began and i have to say, it might seem glamorous but it’s the slowest process and you need real patience for it. we saw really small scenes being filmed without dialogue, but even these moments that won’t be longer than 5 seconds in the film, take hours to create. every scene has to be set up, so pat.ty sat up the angles and what she’d like to see, then they rehearse with the extras a couple of times, every single time they have to reset cameras and rearrange the terrain and make sure everything looks the same as it was at the start of the take. then with simple scenes the actor comes along and again they do the take at least five times or until pat.ty is happy with the result. we saw a scene filmed where it was literally just diana walks into the shot, looks around, looks at a tv then runs off. and that over and over again.

then if it includes some kind of stunt, same process, but they first test it with stunt double, they rehearse with her for like five times to perfect the shot and then gal comes along and she does it however many times it takes. in this case it was just her doing a running jump, involving a harness and cables as she leaps up into the air. but once again you can’t not love her... the way she laughs and has fun take after take, like you can’t fake that, but i don’t want to gush.

we had lunch sometime inbetween takes, the whole massive maze of a set is so impressive and surreal, you have all these extras in full costume and make up, then all the set team members with their walky talkies looking very important, but let me say everyone is so damn nice. the amount of people it takes to create these scenes is insane from people who rake the terrain to the assistant director to the camera man to the five dudes to push and pull the camera for dynamic shots to people who operate these big construction vehicles to put lights and blue screens in place... i kind of suddenly really wanted to be a part of this massive family, but at the same time this is literally their life, up like 5 in the morning and not stopping until who knows how long...

then gal was whisked away to a different set for further hair and make up, but the sight of wond.er wo.man with the beautiful flowing hair and tiara, dressed in a grey tracksuit is pretty weird and hilarious. so then for a while we watched a scene being filmed with just extras a crowd scene that’s all i’m saying. then at that point it was very near 4pm so... it’s been a long day, but before we would leave, we were invited to walk over to another set not too far away, and suddenly we were once again in a different country, a different street. dry ice has been working like crazy to give the street a misty look and a handful of extras were practising what direction to run in and when. gal was there once again, being her lovely self, waiting as they practised, and at one point i turned around, i don’t even know why, but i saw a black car half to a stop and saw this tall blonde man get out of it, and the realisation came that it was ch.ris pi.ne and tbh by that point everyone was pretty chill about being around gal, you get used to it, but then suddenly everyone was star struck once again just watch him walk up to us and say hi and casually chatting while two people started to wire him up for the scene so they can record his dialogue, so... it’s hard not to stare at least a little when they’re hiking his trousers and t-shirt up to place these wires........... then when they were ready we watched one take of that scene, can’t describe it, that’s probably the most spoilery out of all of them and then it was time to go home.

seven hours we spent on set and it was damn amazing, even if it’s tiring to just sit around and watch, trust me it is, it’s lot better to actually do something, it’s really hard to let go and leave. not one part was disappointing, everyone was so lovely and nice and i can’t wait to see these scenes on the big screen and think ‘I was standing around in the background when they shot those!’

tbh once again on my way home my day had to be framed by crap because kings cross tube station was closed because of fire, so i had to walk to euston where suddenly the crowd was insane because everyone from kings cross moved over there so travel was not straightforward, but the memories i made......... i still really wanna work on a film set now........

#🔱 ᵒᶰ ˢᵒˡᶤᵈ ᵍʳᵒᵘᶰᵈ ( ooc. )#[ THIS GOT LONG ]#[ and probably boring ]#[ but it was so exciting to live it ]#[ and i wish i could tell you what i saw ]#[ but at the same time not ]#[ because you should see things for the first time when you watch the film ]

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laberintos-espinas · 4 years

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The Only Review You'll Ever Need of Blade: The Series (Part 2 of 5)

Sharp edge: The Series opens with the official valet from Spago or Planet Hollywood running down the "unending channels" set of an old Doctor Who scene as Urkel is pursuing him on a leased bike. On the off chance that you don't trust me, freeze the casing and take a gander at the tag on the bicycle - the plate spread says, "Lease the easy route with Avis."

This pursuit scene goes on so long that we're compelled to make up our own story. The main consistent explanation I can envision for Blade to pursue a valet through the labyrinth of endless channels is ensure he appropriately tipped said valet before heading out to battle wrongdoing or whatever else Blade does in his extra time. All things considered, anything less is ungentlemanly. In the end the fearless Blade does surely figure out how to pursue down the valet and get him to quit running. In any case, those Spike TV essayists sure are precarious. Rather than Blade conveying the normal tip, they start a gazing challenge. You can tell Blade from the valet in this scene of close-up eyeballs since Blade wears excessively cool shades in any event, when he is inside. At the point when the Valet squints and loses the gazing challenge Blade gets mistook and requests a little content assistance from his kindred on-screen character. "Do you realize what occurs straightaway?" he inquires.

This is the place everything gets somewhat fluffy. I'm certain that the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) has some quite extreme principles about enrollment and retaining your lines and stuff yet this Valet fella pays attention to it way as well and as opposed to being useful transforms into an absolute scoundrel by attempting to thoroughly demolish Blade WL Mobile Valeting. I realize that SAG won't let only anybody in after the Gigli Incident of 2004 yet wow! Sharp edge being excessively cool and sunglassed up effectively evades the Valet and they begin assaulting each other all Matrix-like aside from Spike can't manage the cost of the genuine embellishment so the scene looks similar to watching two alcoholic folks making their own YouTube video with Hasbro lightsabers. At long last, there must be one and the title of the show is "Sharp edge" not "Spago's Executive Valet" so the Valet gets the hatchet yet not before he uncovered a key plot component as the mystery expression "Walter Cronkite dozes at sunrise." Holy DaVinci Code what the hell is that expected to mean?

Sharp edge additionally hauls around a major sword, which is likewise called "cutting edge." In essayist's school that is called moral story which should mean profound things however in this setting it implies visit endeavors at a roundhouse kick since this is Spike TV and not some extravagant jeans school craftsmanship celebration.

Presently you need to stop now and give those Spike essayists the credit they are so lavishly due in light of the fact that they figured out how to set aside a huge amount of cash by utilizing the "splort" audio effects from the Spiderman pitch, the greater part of the Punisher outfit, Doctor Strange's enchantment bike and Nick Fury's extra parts. That resembles getting five Marvel saints in a single show and the genuine virtuoso is that they are just paying for one. I wager that made the bookkeeper need a 6-pack of Jergen's and seven days in the concentrated consideration consume unit after he made sense of that one.

While Blade gets some required rest, we switch an official of the law getting a woman of sketchy righteousness. We know it's faulty in light of the fact that the cop needs to pose her few inquiries about her prudence. He takes her to a high-class meatpacking foundation where she gets grabbed and pulled up into the roof by some arachnid people like in the Lord of the Rings yet without all that webbing and buckles and cool stuff like Frodo's blade and Frodo's shining face ointment bottle. Only for the record, Frodo's blade was named Sting yet the genuine Sting (the grappler not that excessively touchy socially cognizant vocalist) took steps to sue so they renamed it "sword" in the DVD discharge. Anyway, the faulty ideals woman shouts genuine great (one expect she got paid per shout) and we see the cop not focusing any longer since he has cop stuff to do like including the money in a dead hooker's wallet. The drawback for the cop is that hookers, as most comfort stores, don't convey more than $20 in the register and can't open the safe. Senseless cop, stunts are for kids.

In the interim, Blade has exchanged his rental bike for a tremendous 1970's model dark crapmobile and is driving it genuine quick down some abandoned hunk of abandoned street around evening time. It's the sort of vehicle that would make Batman ride a bike yet since its boisterous and has colored windows it compensates for the way that its a blazing bit of poop with a busted lifter arm. On second thought, the vehicle has shades as well. The vehicle must be unreasonably cool for different vehicles a similar way that Blade is unreasonably cool for every other person. That must be some a greater amount of that extravagant composing school stuff like onomottorrhea. It's been excessively since a long time ago something detonated. I can just envision how much better this show would have been if the vehicle talked. Darn you Anthony Daniels and your horrendous fixation on Turtle Wax.

Sharp edge sneaks into some distribution center/rave party central station to discover George Takei's nephew meandering around. We rapidly make sense of that he should be Blade's realtor and he's profoundly unamused in light of the fact that he's spent the entire day demonstrating Blade low-spending plan underground dens to frequent. Sharp edge at last chooses to move in before another person snatches the assortment of void cardboard boxes, barrels of detonating stuff and many mannequins hanging out creation the spot look all comfortable.

While Blade is setting up his sweet single man cushion, we are at long last rewarded to an injection of the trouble makers. You can tell that they are trouble makers since they are completely wearing dark however are unfathomably pale looking. The trouble makers likewise drive around in a procession. You can tell the lead trouble maker since he generally has at any rate one hot chick sticking around. Viola! The head trouble maker shoots some blockhead in the brow for being a bit excessively curious. Being a run of the mill trouble maker he stops to respect his marksmanship before withdrawing to his three vehicle motorcade and leaving.

As though this story didn't as of now have a greater number of strings than another arrangement of bed sheets, another person meanders on camera. It's some chick that is returning home from a type of broadened nonappearance or an unexpected gathering or something. Through the shrewdness utilization of flashback, slow movement and smoke machines we are informed that the new character is home from a removed desert war zone. Her folks are then promptly rewarded to a visit from the cops requesting that they distinguish a carcass. Carcass distinguishing proof used to be a most loved parlor game before the creation of Yahtzee however it is an under-appreciated skill now. A great many people don't understand exactly how well known cadaver distinguishing proof was. During the downturn, individuals would read for a considerable length of time to get an opportunity to test for the activity of janitor with the Corpse Identification Association. They got the opportunity to be so acceptable at their specific employment; they had the option to distinguish bodies before they were bodies. That is the reason they in the end went to work for the government. Heartbreakingly, the name needed to change, however the initials live on.

Before long we see seeing the dipstick that got shot before. Blessed poop this plot is authoritative up quicker than a pot of bean stew at a Shriner's show. An extra heart plug compensates your review persistence as the cop from Shelob's Lair is sticking around the funeral home. Obviously, the family dominates the match that night as they find that their child was the pleased beneficiary of .25 ounces of American lead directly between the eyes. There goes that Miss Scarlet in the library hypothesis I was chipping away at.

Somebody unquestionably got their full value out of their advanced degree as the content journalists venture down profound into our heartstrings and pluck them like an innate hick playing the banjo with his prehensile toes. We likewise discover that dipstick isn't just her family member yet her tragically deceased twin sibling. To make matters much progressively interesting we additionally observe a Sharpie tattoo on his neck. Additional unique dreadful music lined up to ensure we understand that the tattoo must be a significant and imperative hint.

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businessguide12-blog · 6 years

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3 unique business ideas worth millions

New Post has been published on https://businessqia.com/trending/3-unique-business-ideas-worth-millions/

3 unique business ideas worth millions

Do you know how to spot a million dollar business idea?

Some of the most successful businesses are the ones you’d never expect to succeed. But peel back the curtain and you’ll find even the most unique business ideas follow a proven formula for success. See how even regular people can find million dollar ideas that worked.

When you’re trying to find the right idea for your business, sometimes all you need is a little inspiration. Let’s see what we can learn from two unique business ideas worth millions — and one worth billions.

Bonus: Start solving problems and getting paid! Discover 30 proven online businesses that you could start this weekend. Click here to claim your copy of the free report.

Million-dollar business idea #1: Cards Against Humanity

Cards Against Humanity is anti-establishment in every way — including its business model.

Known as “a party game for horrible people,” it was created by a group of high school friends who liked to make up their own games for fun. Once they realized other people were interested in this particular game, they put it online for free under the Creative Commons license.

Money didn’t even come into play until two years later, when they launched a Kickstarter campaign to print a physical pack. With a goal of only $4,000, Cards Against Humanity ended up raising $15,000. And in just two years, the game generated $12 million in revenue, even though it remains available for free as a PDF download to this day.

“We have not really opted in to the traditional publishing system for games or anything else,” co-creator Max Temkin told The Blueprint. “We’re doing this really weird model where we own all of our IP, and we make everything ourselves, and we sell it direct to the customer.”

This intimate setup has allowed the creators to remain 100% in control of the branding. That means they can choose how to scale their business and pull crazy stunts like selling boxes of cow poop on Black Friday.

The takeaway: Start with something you’re passionate and knowledgeable about

If you’re not sure where to start when brainstorming your ideas, begin with what you do for fun, what you love to research, or what you usually help other people with. That might be coming up with games to play, giving tips on how to stay in shape, or polishing people’s resumés.

GrowthLab CEO Ramit Sethi suggests asking yourself these four questions to find a profitable business idea:

Notice how much these questions are about your friends, your hobbies, and your passions. Those were exactly the ingredients that gave life to Cards Against Humanity.

This business proves that no idea is too strange, as long as you can find demand for it. When the co-creators first came up with the concept, they never imagined they’d turn it into a multimillion-dollar company and a household name. But once they saw people flocking to their fresh and fun new game, they knew there was room to grow and ultimately profit.

Million-dollar business idea #2: Spanx

At 27 years old, Sara Blakely was annoyed with the old-fashioned pantyhose she wore every day to work. They were uncomfortable on her feet, but she liked the control-top. So, one day, she cut off the bottom of the pantyhose and wore them underneath her pants for a slimming effect. That’s when she realized she’d created a garment that hadn’t existed yet. And there might be more women who wanted it in their wardrobe.

Two years later, Blakely launched Spanx. She did it with $5,000 in savings, a self-made patent for $150, and no formal knowledge about fashion, design, or retail. But through her own research and networking, she was able to land a deal with Neiman Marcus, get featured on Oprah, and host regular segments on QVC.

Spanx is now a billion-dollar business, and in 2012, at 41 years old, Blakely became the youngest woman to join the Forbes World’s Billionaires list.

The takeaway: Put a new spin on an old solution

When Blakely set out to manufacture her prototype, she realized that the entire undergarments industry actually needed to be refreshed. It was largely run by men, and new products were tested on mannequins instead of real people.

As she told Inc., “It dawned on me that maybe that’s why our pantyhose had been so uncomfortable for so long because the people making them aren’t wearing them.”

She saw an immediate need for a female perspective, and she was going to be the one to provide it.

Remember this when looking for business ideas. Ask yourself:

If you can’t answer these questions right away, start by researching an industry or field you’re passionate about (or even annoyed by!). Like Blakely, you might find an opening where your voice is needed.

Bonus: Start solving problems and getting paid! Discover 30 proven online businesses that you could start this weekend. Click here to claim your copy of the free report.

Million-dollar business idea #3: Museum Hack

After falling in love with The Met in New York City, Nick Gray started offering free tours to his friends, showing them his favorite pieces and telling cool stories about the museum and artworks. Gray’s tours eventually spread by word-of-mouth, and he started hosting weekend events and even birthday parties at the museum.

Finally, Gray wrote a blog post about his tours, and he immediately saw the demand flood in — thousands of people emailing him and wanting to join his events. That’s when he launched Museum Hack, the antidote to boring and stuffy museum tours. You know, the ones you associate with school field trips and monotone voices.

Museum Hack is now a $1.2 million business, running ongoing public tours at five museums in four major cities. They even host private scavenger hunts, corporate team building events, bachelorette parties, and consultations with museums that want to engage new audiences.

The takeaway: Aim for the golden goose

Museum Hack fits right in the sweet spot of the demand matrix. That is, the “Golden Goose” section, with many customers and high-priced services.

GrowthLab’s Demand Matrix

Think about it: Gray could’ve written a coffee table book about his museum tours and anecdotes. But that might’ve landed in the “Labor of Love” section, with few customers.

Instead, he went right for the Golden Goose, launching a variety of in-person tours for high-paying corporate groups and parties. And he even offers coaching services to museums that want to develop their audiences.

Consider the matrix when narrowing down your unique ideas. Having a great concept is the first step. But you’ll also want to make sure you can turn it into a profitable business going forward.

Finding your million-dollar idea

Your unique idea might not come while you’re playing cards, cutting clothes, or strolling through a museum. But it will likely come while you’re exploring something you’re passionate about and skilled in. In fact, all of the ideas above started with personal experiences or hobbies. But most important, they were something that people were willing to pay for.

Once you find an idea, don’t be afraid to test it out with friends, family, and colleagues. Create a prototype, mock up a plan, and get feedback. If people keep asking you to tell them more, you might have the start of a successful business. Maybe even a million-dollar business idea.

Download this free guide for 30 successful online business ideas you can start today.

Source

https://growthlab.com/unique-business-ideas-worth-millions/

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years

Text

tube thoughts vol. 6

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Joe Bob's SummerSchool edition of Monstervision with special guests a blonde Bride of Frankenstein and a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon plus the feature movie "The Surgeon" *The striking black and white intro flashback throws light on what this flick really is. It's a tribute to those 30s/40s/50s mad doctor horror shows, with quirky 1990s sensibilities laced throughout.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible: Summer Fun --------------

*Psalty: Dramatic kids hang out with a blue, scripture talking song book.* 2 stars

*Bike Safety Rap: Don't skin your knees or risk your life.* 1 star

*Central Florida Hell: Dump elderly dad down where Chi Chi Rodriguez dwells.* 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Boat Trip: Goober Pudding Jr. is not a COCKSUCKER! Horatio Sanz... who knows?* 2 stars

*3 Minute Heavy Metal Summer: Shock rockers, with a heart of gold, versus yuppy prejudice and slimeball business types at a camp/resort.* 3 stars

*Acting with Tom Hanks: Swimsuit models wanna make their silly dreams come true.* 2 stars

*Conceal and Carry: Speed, women, fanny pack!* 3 stars

*Kidz Conquer Mexico: Another culture exploited by brats.* 2 1/2 stars

*Message in a Cell Phone: Crack the code and get Chad's dad out of prison.* 3 stars

*Birthdays Faith First: Father Tim loves his birthday and Uncle Sam.* 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Beach Fever: Kato Kaelin and Jacki Chan enjoy the fruits of rabor.* 2 1/2 stars

======================================================

I'm Alan Partridge: I Know What Alan Did Last Summer *Dodging the tax man.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Day After" --1983-- *"World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones."* 3 stars

The Twilight Zone: The Midnight Sun *Fever dream.* 3 stars

Heart She Holler: Klansgender Rights *We're all the same underneath a clean, white sheet.* 2 stars

Squidbillies: Granny Hot Foot *Happier than a pig, in shit, who just won the Daytona 500.* 2 1/2 stars

Adult Swim --infomercials-- In Search of the Miracle Man *Interviewing people on the street about their love for a yet to be seen super guru and asking them how often they masturbate, plus keeping a close watch on a sunbathing beauty, in case the guru shows up there. Add in a sing along, act unfunny along, self aware studio audience for even less laughs. A guy from Mighty Boosh and Snuff Box (Rich Fulcher) and a guy from Upright Citizens Brigade and Crossballs (Matt Besser), along with another recognizable face from the Sarah Silverman Show, can all do better and funnier in 12 minutes. Drunk History for example.* 1 star

Freddy's Nightmares: Rebel Without A Car -----

*A mullet-motor-head thinks a cursed muscle-car is his ticket out of Springwood, but maybe he should have taken his girl's advice and sought a smarter path.* 2 1/2 stars

*A girl, from the wrong side of the tracks, gets accepted to be a Cinderella slave for snobbish sorrority sisters, during hellish hazing, where they hope to put her on the road.Instead, she turns Carrie, on the cunts, and burns the house to the ground.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------

Swamp Thing: Falco *"Nature is a maniac!" That's pretty existential for a falcon unwillingly turned half human by the arrogant Arcane. Overly dramatic and unintentionally funny.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Treasure of the Temple *Masterfully animated Mayan adventure.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Night Strangler *Gritty Civil War era alchemy, and a Victorian Era style Jack the Ripper killer, in the dark alleys and underground of a Pacific Northwest seaport town.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond --Halloween special-- -2014- =====================

*The Victim's Family - Have A Nice Day (music video): Skeletal puppets kick your face in and tell you to enjoy your shitty job and life.* close to 3 stars

*Fulfilled, A Halloween Story: A modern Lovecraftian tragic figure refuses to join in on the pop culture / commercial celebrations of Halloween and instead chooses to spend All Hallow's Eve, and possibly eternity, in the Twilight Zone.* close to 3 stars

*Trailer for Dario Argento's "Creepers": 3 stars

*Vintage WXXA cHANNEL 23 - Halloween movie marathon commercial for their movie lineup including 'An American Werewolf in London', 'House', 'Videodrome', 'Psycho 3': 3 stars

*"Horror of the Zombies" 1973: A millionaire, a money hungry mercenary type, and an agency of modeling get involved in a publicity stunt that would leave some models stranded in a boat on the sea. However, they all wind up in some interdimensional fog and end up boarding a ghost-ship where the blind monks of Mestophilles roam.* 2 stars

*Monster Rally Movie: Advertisement for an old horror host Channel 4 show.* 3 stars

*Pumpkin Madness 2: Ordinary pumpkins let loose destructive behavior.* 2 1/2 stars

*Animation in the style of Superjail or the video for Paranoid Android by Mariola Brillowska.* 3 stars

*Phantasm's 'The Tall Man' promotes Fangoria magazine.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fleishcher Studios- Superman - The Mummy Strikes.* 3 stars

*A Republic Pictures serial - The Crimson Ghost - Atomic Peril: A criminal mastermimd is so determined to get his hands on a device that will bring the world's electrical will to its knees, that he's willing to prevent its use in bringing the Cold War to a close.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fight the monster of pay and or cable tv in an awesome retro anti-cable tv advertisement shown to a paying movie theater audience.* 3 stars

======================================================

Star Wars Rebels: Rise of the Old Masters *A Sith inquisitor lures roam Jedi to their doom, using the bones of a Jedi Master.the Empire is putting out false distress signals saying that the master is alive and in need of a prison escape rescue.* 3 stars

TMNT: The Croaking *After watching Thundarr the Barbarian, Mikey spazzes out and destroys the farmhouse. When scolded, flees to the forest where he encounters Napoleon Bonafrog (voiced by Napoleon Dynamite) who happens to be the outcast of his own tree-frog human-hating society.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible --Halloween Bonus-- --2012-- =========================

*Cosby Nightmarez: Bill takes a break from drugging women to have his own bad dream.* 3 stars

*Tim Curry Halloween Song: A crooning wizard makes the witches howl.* 3 stars

*Vincent Price: An elderly icon shills 3D film cameras.* 2 stars

*3 Minute Grandpa is a Vampire: Grandpa Munster hangs out with his radical 90s grandson and his grandson's friend while grandma tries to cheat on him and put a stake thru his old heart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Boogie Bonez: "Knick Knack Paddywhack"* 3 stars

*Death Spa: Don't let an exorcist hacker control your electronic gym, if you're a cheating ex and give memberships to jerk yuppies.* 3 stars

*Halloween Propaganda: "Every Halloween, children are dying."* 3 stars

*Lovely Little Monster: Anne Rice chick hip hop. Dance routine sign language. Rick James voodoo zombie. Bathsalt freakout Twilight romance.* 3 stars

*Pops Ghostly: A Casper family man vents on his family's hellcat home invasion frustration.* 2 1/2 stars

*Punkinman: The Bob Villa (this old house) / Bob Ross (happy clouds painter) of stickin' it in a pumpkin and getting the best out.* 2 1/2 stars

*Zombie Workout: Spunky Linnea Quigley criticizes the falling apart shape of the undead and has them working out their rotten flesh.* close to 3 stars

*3 Minute Ghosthouse: A Back to the Future Michael J. Fox wannabe look-a-like goes up against some zany frighteners.* 3 stars

======================================================================

Z Nation: Doctor of the Dead *Not much soap opera for a zombie series finale, mostly just zombie stuff. A shadowy scientist running around globally, pre zombie outbreak, conducting gruesome, and unknown for purposes, field experiments. Creepy CDC style medical lab, in Colorado, filled with zombie testing gone wrong. Tiny Asian chick is dying but comes back as a kung fu z with Alice from Resident Evil maneuvers (not a big fan of that). Cameo from the doomed lovers to show they'll be back next season (Oh, great... yawn). And a big finish cliffhanger with Murphy "shedding his skin" (could be creepy and great) and running off leaving everyone else, including Citizen Z at the North Pole, to stare dumbly at their impending demise which is nuclear missiles dropping in to say hi.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 14 "My Guests Are Mannequins" ---------------

*Antonio, Tone Loc's cousin, volunteers to help park rangers clean the roadkill off of a bridge that a Chupacabra lives under.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*A 'You Betcha' cocktail waitress serves cheeze and ritz crackers to a honky's stuffy mannequin party guests and is scared to refuse his offer to "Party Forever" with him.* 3 stars

*A crematorium trainee turns white as a ghost, and he was black to begin with, when he flips the flame switch and a woman's husband pops out still alive just crispy.* 3 stars

==============================================================

X Files: Conduit *Alien abductee or possible runaway of ill-refute and her baby brother who can read into the matrix.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi presents American Gothic: Pilot Episode *What if Sheriff Andy Taylor were a controlling psycho who'd go as far as framing his own deputy, Barney, for murder, and what if Opie had a William Faulkner and Ambrose Bierce childhood...?* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Wraith" (Summer School Session - Driver's Education with the author of the NYC cab driver joke book) *It was inevitable that the spirit of the American Highway would be symbolized by a fiery car crash.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Caught in the Act *A college virgin, Alyssa Milano, gives the worst case of blue balls, until an alien parasite turns her into a raging nympho succubus.* 2 stars slipping towards 1 1/2 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 11 *A nice, retired, Queens NY lady needed the Penn State crew and a noted medium, in demons, to tell her to stop trying to contact the dead through the use of evp.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: The Burglary *The couple get a little too greedy, themselves, after their old stuff gets stolen and they have to replace it with all new stuff.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: A, B, and C *Number 6 continues to be defiant, even in his dreams. Dreams that The Village is now determined to surveillance.* 3 stars

Mike Tyson Mysteries: Is Magic Real? *Mike is the only non skeptic concerning Mexican leprechauns.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Dong of the Dead *Two words... butt auditions.* 3 stars

Ken Russell's "Crimes of Passion" *It's sleazy Charles Bukowski meets Russ Meyer. Kathleen Turner is a Gloria Steinem behind a glory hole. Anthony Perkins is like a Jerry Falwell who jerks off to crime scene photos of the Black Dahlia. And John Laughlin is Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor who can't get his jackhammer plugged into a hot electrical outlet.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Can World War 3 Be An Attitude? *"You're okay. I'm okay. We're okay. Okay?"* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Security Systems *A way ahead of its time investigative look at security organizations (*cough* the N.S.A. *cough*) and how complete access to so much information, personal and otherwise, can only lead to that kind of knowledge being abusively used.* 3 stars

South Park: Cock Magic *Magic the Gathering greater than girls volleyball.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Bloodbath" *From the head to the legs. From the body to the mind.* 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Time Machine" 1960 *Joe Bob and Rusty the mail girl demonstrate worm hole theory using a dirty bedsheet and a bowling ball. Meanwhile, Rod Taylor zips from turn of the 20th century England to thousands of years in the future where angelic, naive youth live in a garden of eden paradise as cattle for cavern dwelling commie cannibals.* 3 stars

Farscape: Til the Blood Runs Clear *Being the 'big dog' with a pair of Beavis & Butthead moron bloodhound bounty hunters, and getting ripped off at a spacecraft repair shop ran by a Roseanne type.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Wizard Wars *The cybernetic oversized head of a warlock Fred Flinstone uses hypnotized sandpeople as slaves to lay siege on another magician's desert stronghold.* 3 stars

Tosh.0 -Who Shot Black Santa? -2014 *The greatest Christmas present is hot cocoa served with love.* 2 1/2 stars

SyFy presents "End of the World" 2014 *Generic doomsday movie junkies, who work at a videostore, must break a scientist (Brad Dourif) out of the nuthouse so that he can help them save the world from being destroyed by a heliosphere.* 1 1/2 stars for aesthetics and special fx 2 stars for plot and characters and 2 1/2 stars for oddly humorous moments like hicks with guns getting in the way of nerds that are mankind's only hope, and randomly timed deaths

Tru Tv presents: World's Smartest Inventions 11 *Using robots for end of life care. No shame in hanging from a tree, on a hiking trail, and pooping, or standing on a sidewalk and pissing out the bottom of pant legs using a tube. Or having a doctor recommend to "ice the balls" in order to conceive, so a guy runs out and invents chilled underwear.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Christmas Bonus-- 2012 --------------------------

*Snowdogs vs. Chillydogs: They're basically the same movie, give or take a few minor differences.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hanukkah Homeboy: "Don't noodge me."* 2 1/2 stars

*Celebrity Guide to X-Mas: Ed Begley Jr. can't relax his environmental beliefs in order to not ruin Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Dr. Christmas: Artificial tree tips for a superficial Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Gerbert Christmas Wish: A muppet's melancholy holiday.* 2 1/2 stars

*Holiday Showtime: Branson, Missouri is holiday purgatory.* 3 stars

*Jingle Cats: Make a joyful noise unto the Lord.* 3 stars

*Lawrence Welk Holiday Song: From now on our troubles will be miles awayayayaya.* 2 stars

*Natural Professional Tree: Step back and check for a natural appearance.* 2 stars

*Visit with Santa: Santa Q & A with dumb kids.* 3 stars

*Brent the Christmas Bear: Marvin Gaye gaiety.* 3 stars

*Glitter n Gold: A plea for puppet peace and relationship harmony.* 3 stars

*Kathy Lee Hip Hop: Horrid.* 1 star

*2 Minute Parental Guidance: Deck the halls and shake dat ass.* 3 stars

*Reggae Deck the Halls: Farmyard follalollalah.* 2 1/2 stars

*Santa with Muscles: Scrooge Ed Begley Jr. wants to close down the orphanage and exploit the kids as elf miners, but not if amnesiac, department store Santa Hulk Hogan has anything to say about it.* 2 1/2 stars

*X-Mas Nightmare 2012: Santa can't be asked to do the impossible, like alleviating the cynicism that comes with adulthood.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fuck Christmas: A humble shoemaker has had it up to here with the holidays, in this heartwarming tale.* 3 stars

*Chipper's X-Mas Adventure: A chipmunk goes crazy when his treehome is chopped down by joyous honkys.* 3 stars

*E.T. Porno: Smell E.T.'s finger.* 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Freddy's Nightmares: The Bride Wore Red *A groom's cold feet get raked over hot coals. Also, rappin' Freddy.* 2 stars *For the bride with daddy issues, divorce is a fate worse than death.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Thing from the Grave *A lesson about not getting in between a no-nonsense, jealous boyfriend with a short-fuse (Miguel Ferrer) and his prized piece of cooze (Teri Garr). That is unless one has a charm necklace that can bring a vengeful corpse back from its shallow grave.* 3 stars

"Mirror Mirror" -1991- *A shy ugly duckling begins to flower when she embraces her dark reflection.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "I Am Anne Frank" *Auschwitz. Axe murder. Aversion therapy. Amputee monstrosity. Acceptance of guilt. Absentee motherhood. Alcoholic relapse. Alien abduction. Alma's alive!* 3 stars

Lars Von Trier's "Melancholia" *3 stars for gorgeously moody photography and score. 2 1/2 stars for symbolism (melancholia is here to stay). 2 stars for rogue planet collision apocalypse scenario. 1 1/2 stars for insufferable characters (mopey rich women). 1 star for pretentiousness 1/2 a star for snail pacing (2 hours felt like 5 hours). zero stars for jerky handheld camerwork

Gargoyles: Enter MacBeth *Another MacBeth who likes to do things on his own turf, and yet again all because of a lady.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 5 *"The birds have scales and the fish take wing."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 12 *A psychic can't get her stories straight when it comes to a former schoolhouse's spirits. Credit to the Penn State crew for seeing through her b.s.* 2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voyage Home *On the first manned mission to mars, a space bug is snagged, and one giant step for mankind turns into a suicidal leap.* 2 1/2 stars

Scare Tactics: The Chef Cooks a Human --------------

*Safe installation turns out to be a safe cracking burglary.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rear Window scenario where peeping at a neighbor who is an escort loses its thrill when she stabs an abusive client and informs her big heavy pimp that there are witnesses to the crime.* 2 1/2 stars

*Finding a ring in the hamburger meat and a bloody, armless dude in the freezer.* 3 stars

*Parents meet their teenage son's new girlfriend and find out she's already pregnant, but only it's from an alien, not the teenage son.* 2 1/2 stars

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Russell Mulcahy's "The Shadow" -1994- *Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Alec Baldwin knows.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: From Beyond the Grave *"See the ship, hear it speak from deep down in the hold." Lyrics from a song sang by Jim's dead grandma. Words directing Jim, and his mom, to granny's last will and testament, hidden, in the swamp, so that Arcane can't take possession of her property and pollute and further exploit it.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: -season 1 -episode 4 *Dream perchance debenture.* 2 1/2 stars

"Slipstream" *A loveable scoundrel (Bill Paxton) steals away a messiah-like android, from a hardline bountyhunter (Mark Hammil), on a journey across a windswept wasteland in a post-cataclysm story filled with hot air balloons, small airplanes, and eccentric nomads.* 2 1/2 stars

Christmas with Rifftrax: Santa's Village of Madness / K. Gordan Murray shorts *Never has the mythology of Saint Nick been more mucked with.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Jonny Quest: Werewolf of the Timberland *Gold smuggling lumberjacks in the French Canadian forest.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Shopping *"Cheese of the week." The convenient inconvenience of supermarkets.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Alan Wide Shut *"Hot floppy bread." Needless to say, Alan had the last laugh. Now, fuck off!.* 3 stars

True Life: I Want Respect For My Sect *A Juggalo bride's parents opt out of their daughter's Juggalo themed wedding. Pretentious vampires, in the pretentious Texas city of Austin, have a coming out party in order to gain new members and understanding. A cute 18 year old "furry" seems genuinely happy to have her parents acceptance at being able to attend her first convention.* 2 stars

Ghost Adventures: Dungeons & Demons *"Something just grabbed my ass!" The three bros travel to some of the world's most tainted holes.* 2 stars

Adventure Time: Holly Jolly Secrets *Deciphering the Ice King's weirdo home movies becomes a holiday tradition.* 2 stars

Farscape: Rhapsody in Blue *Madness is the mind's co-pilot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: The Jersey Devil *Naked Neanderthals on the outskirts of Atlantic City.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond: Kneel Before the Future ----------------------

*D.O.A. - Behind the Smile: Things are looking bright for election 2016.* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo trips and falls heading out to the wasteland.* 2 stars

*Ninja Force, the Mission: Bacon jitsu vs. cheese.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Silverball Heroes versus Video Invaders in Arcade Attack* 3 stars

*Lobo in the wasteland sponsored by...* 2 1/2 stars

*A vintage trailer for Terminal City Ricochet.* 3 stars

*-984- Prisoner of the Future: Detained to desolation.* 3 stars

*Lobo thirsts and pines in the wasteland.* 3 stars

*Intimate Secrets - Secrets that have to be told - 1 900 - adults only - $2.00 per minute* 3 stars

*iBraineater - Modern Man (music video)* 3 stars

*JacMac & RadBoy GO!: Wow, did Mike Judge rip this off?* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo finds ThunderDome covered in feces.* 3 stars

*Robotistory: A video history of robots in pop culture entertainment.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo wants to go back home to his bunker.* 2 stars

*Max Fleischer's Superman - The Mechanical Monsters* 3 stars

*Vintage 1990 Live Psychic Readings commercial that's in the style of the X-Files intro. Eerie nostalgia.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost - Chapter 2 - Thunderbolt: Death ray escape debacle.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tex Avery's Jerky Turkey: Skipped. already viewed and reviewed

*Lobo has a biohazard demise.* 2 stars

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Tales from the Crypt: The Sacrifice *"Money, pussy, and bullshit." Also a few cussing parrots and a sleazy & kinky Michael Ironside.* 3 stars

"Howling 4, the Original Nightmare" *A novelist, with a vivid imagination, would rather chase the ghost of a nun, hangout with a lesbian ex-nun and search for clues to a legend of a werewolf church burning, and listen to howls on the wind in the night than have sex with her feathered-hair-do, five o'clock shadow bearded bohunk cheating husband.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Tupperware Party Massacre" *Avon culling. Chubby Chaser. Liquored lobster. Lingering Ethel. Privileged killer. Suicide letter. Shamelessly long pecker. Playing doctor. Tearjerker. Siamese threeway offer rejection. Jimmy sober and smitten. Framejob bloody mitten.* 2 1/2 to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: The Great Montarro *Sarcophagus artifice.* 3 stars

"Dragonslayer" 1981 *Not the sorcerer that we want right now, but the sorcerer that we need. The lottery where the winner gets spit-roasted by Smaug has to be the absolute worst. There may have never been more themes of gender inequality, social-political injustice, and the transition between Paganism and Christianity ever before in a Sword & Sorcery flick.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 13 *Cursed and mice infested piano for free on Craigslist.* 2 to 1 1/2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Trick or Treat *"the misery of eternal non-existence"* 2 1/2 stars

"Loose Shoes" -1980- ---------------------------------------------------

*The Howard Huge Story: "His hobby was watching planes fuck."* 3 stars

*Skateboarders From Hell: "Lock up your sons and daughters."* 3 stars

*The Invasion of the Penis Snatchers: "Coming at you in 3-D!"* 3 stars

*Three Chairs For Lefty: Bill Murray on death row.* 3 stars

*The Sneaker: Woody Allen parody.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Magic and Mystery of the Gobi* 3 stars

*Buddy Hackett on behalf of this nation's bed-wetters* 3 stars

*Don't forget organic chocolate covered beanettes.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ditch your kids at the matinee.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Shaggy Studio Chief plus the Calf Who Thought She Was A Chicken* 2 stars

*The Bad News Bares in Getting Laid* 3 stars

*A Visit With Ma and Pa: Ma and Pa take a talking pig to New York City* 3 stars

*The Birth of a Nation, parody* 2 1/2 stars

*The Kid and the Yid. Charlie the bum was a hebrew commie jew* 3 stars

*The Ballerina Is Dead in "Scuffed Shoes"* 2 1/2 stars

*Just a Run in the Sun: Cynical and funny war tragedy story.* 3 stars

*Fistful of Something: Sid Haig in a Spaghetti Western spoof.* 3 stars

*Welcome to Bacon County: Hicksploitation hilarity.* 3 stars

*That's Sexploitation! Under 18 must sneak in.* 3 stars

*The Return of the Pom Pom Boys: Sex comedy with a twist. This time it's the guys who are getting exploited.* 3 stars

*Billy Jerk Goes To Oz: Sticking up for the little man.* 3 stars

*Darktown After Dark: The first all black musical.* 3 stars

*Star (of David) Wars* 2 1/2 stars

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Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 20 "Weirdo in the Haunted House" ----------

*Taking high school chemistry doesn't make one a chemist, especially evident when green goop, accidentally poured down the sink, by said non-chemist, comes gushing through the ceiling, doors, cracks, vents, and walls.* 3 stars

*Almost torched alive, in a van, by a psycho hitchhiker.* 3 stars

*Stripper audition interrupted by a jealous, meathead boyfriend who likes to throw guys out of windows.* 2 1/2 stars

*A closed down haunted house attraction, and former crime scene, has an uninvited guest who doesn't want to be disturbed.* 2 stars

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"Phantasm 4, Oblivion" *On the other side of morning.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: War *Network 23's poodle and pony show has the advertising bulls and bears instead hitching up to the war hysteria for profit media wagon.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The New Breed *Nanobots don't know when to stop. They turn a terminally ill man into a Frankenstein's monster of evolution.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Do Dreams Bleed? *The lingering trauma of having witnessed a brutal slaying.* 2 1/2 stars *Intimate personal closeness with a possible deranged killer can play foul with the mind.* 2 stars

"The Blair Witch Project" *"We're still alive because we got cigarettes, and we're smoking." Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians have a Deliverance weekend where they get choked in the shallow waters before they get too deep. The grunge era Autumn setting, lost in the woods paranoia, and low fi minimalist creative use of limited fx (stick figures and bundles of sticks with bloody body parts along with the noises and the spooky house) make up for the film students arguing in the middle of nowhere with a shaking camera nonsense that takes place for more than half of the film.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: Shadows *Mulder: *whispering* psycho-kinetic-manipulation / Scully: *amused* You mean like Carrie at the prom? --- Turns out it was a Ghost versus some terrorists and a jerk boss. Also, a missed opportunity to have Patrick Swayze as a guest star on the X Files.* 2 1/2 stars

"Alice Sweet Alice" -1977- *Impolite middle class Catholic society, cruel aunts, spoiled siblings, flamboyantly slobbish perverts, snap to judgement child psychologists, and pinch faced old church women with religious hangups are all worse than slightly odd and so called out of control tweens. Also, it's a shame that Brooke Shields' name is at the top of the movie's poster. She's barely in it, and the other little girl along with the rest of the cast are the soul of the movie.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girls Town *Scat and slang.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars with riffing, between 1 1/2 & 2 stars without

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night: To The Limit *"Anna Nicole Smith gives retired, Texas strippers a bad name." Joe Bob Briggs* between 1 and 1 1/2 stars for this heavy edited softcore stinker

Weird Science: She's Alive *"a scathing indictment of a braindead, sexist MTV generation" 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Phantom Cab *The Midnight Society start out by having a pair of lost Hansel & Hansel brothers putting a hole in a barrel out in the Canadian forest with a reject teacher from Hogwarts.* 3 stars

American Gothic: A Tree Grows In Trinity *Let Heaven and nature sting.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa 1996(?) *"Who's the champ -NOW- champ?" Tom strangely bothers teachers on strike, concert goers, drugists, mall shoppers, poor fishermen, and former bowling league champions. He also plays footsie with a dating service lady.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Pilot Episode *Sometimes one must cut off a finger in order to save a hand, and sometimes one must hang himself in order to get off. Inner strength incapacitates ignorance.* 3 stars

"Country Hooker" *In the tune of a CB radio listenin' truck drivin' country western croon, "Doin' what they damn well please..." That is until their demented Tennessee Ernie Ford -esque pimpdaddy finds out. There are some freaks in this flick, and I don't mean the tricks, it's the johns and the honky tonk patrons.* 2 1/2 stars

"Christmas Evil" aka "You Better Watch Out" *If it's not a Jolly Dream, it's not worth having.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Village of the Giants *These days, kids are getting too big for their britches. Of course, I'm talking about a Mousketeer, Opie, the kid from The Rifleman, and Beau Bridges.* 3 stars with riffing or 2 stars without

Tales from the Crypt: For Cryin' Out Loud *A real high pitched squealer with a weasel, rock promoter whose clients like Iggy Pop and Donny Osmond get on his nerves, a seductress blackmailer Katey Sagal trying to reach in his pants to snatch half of a million smackers, and an angry voice of reason Sam Kinison screaming his tell tell heart out constantly.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

New World Pictures "Candy Stripe Nurses" 1974 *A socially conscious skin-flick with sophisticated modern women who are smarter than the bohunks they seduce, Gran Torino type bitter old men griping about the decline of their local neighborhoods, commentary on a flawed justice system for minorities, student athlete doping controversy, medical malpractice issuing of needless prescriptions scandal, sexually repressed and spoiled rockstar, seventees era streaking, existential conversations while flirting, and just enough hospital setting hanky panky.* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Bitchcraft" *The part where Darren walked in on Tabitha going down on Elvira while Melissa Joan Hart cut herself with a razor blade for attention and the cast of Designing Women boiled that poor black guy (Meshach Taylor) alive in a caldron... hocus whoa...cus* 2 1/2 stars

Doctor Who (fourth doctor) "Pyramid of Mars" *Imprisoned ancient gods are always showing up in the isolated British countryside and killing 3 or 4 old men in their plot to destroy the world. Thanks to the Doctor, nobody else in the world ever notices.* 2 1/2 stars

TMNT: Mazes & Mutants *A lonely live action roleplayer gasses the turtles so that he can play a game with them in the sewers.* 2 1/2 stars

He-Man & She-Ra, A Christmas Special *Horde Prime wishes to stop Orko and two adorable Earth children from bringing the gospel of Chris Cringle to Eternia. Special guests the Smurf Transformers, the Eternian Decepticons, the Little Mermaid, and Skeletor's heart grew 3 sizes that day.* 2 1/2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Pinball Wizard *Super-soaker, now that's playing with power. A compulsive free play gamer gets trapped in the mall, inside a pinball machine, with a princess in distress, and is Sixpence None the Richer for it.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Shipment *Arcane corrupts the local law enforcement into mutant trafficking and the crooked Sheriff helps kidnap Jim, fake Jim's death, and ship Jim off to South America. We finally get to see Swamp Thing show some physical muscle in a brawl with a stunt man and it's revealed what had to be painfully obvious all along, that the town had to have a corrupt police force in order for Arcane to be doing so many vile things without it coming to legal light.* 3 stars

"Neon City" 1991 *A disgruntled, former lawman (Michael Ironside) begrudgingly runs protection for a RV stagecoach of ragtag wayfarers across the cursed earth.* 2 1/2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Message *Binary E.T. S.O.S. for a deaf woman with a defective ear implant and new mother depression along with voices in her head making the domestic partner daddy think she's schizoid because she runs off with a looney janitor / UFO believer.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Warlock the Armageddon *Runes and Druids. Smalltown fear and hatred of devil worship. Two young should destined to be lovers who are kept apart by ignorance and circumstance. Parents of the picturesque smalltown trying to protect a dark secret. Some horribly dated CGI (forgivable). Nice and twistedly gruesome gore fx to make up for the bad CGI. A charismatic villain (Julian Sands) who is just as good as Marvel's Loki (Tom Hiddleston).* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 14 *In a house that was once a part of the underground railroad, there's a clash of values between a modern inter-racial family and a strict religious spirit of a lady who was an abolitionist.* 2 stars

"Home for the Holidays" 1972 *"There's nothing more chilling than a warm family gathering." An And Then There Were None style story at a stormy, secluded setting where the more stable sibling is the most sinister.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

--- Freddy's Nightmares: The End of the World

*Hazy earliest memories are repressed because they involve accidentally killing mommy and crippling a childhood friend, but a girl discovers she can dream things differently and it will fix the present. But unfortunately, there's a butterfly effect.* 2 1/2 stars

*The same girl, from before, is now having prophetic dreams of a nuclear warhead going off on U.S. soil. The C.I.A. is extra curious as to how she got launch codes, and once they figure out she's not fooling or getting tipped off from the inside, well they want to exploit her in their cold war pursuits, while she just wants to make sure that a disturbed sleepwalking missile defense employee doesn't make his Christmas nightmares of melting his son's favorite cartoon character Gumby's face off along with his own son's innocent face as well come true.* 3 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

"Class of 1984" *An irresponsible idiot subjects his pregnant wife to a brutal gang rape and torture all because he wants to be an inspirational music educator at one of those imaginary innercity hell highschools where he can't help but feud with the worst gang in a school that has its disciplinary hands tied with the usual red tape bullshit. This was way before zero tolerance. When teach has to turn vigilante just to earn 30k a year, a mild mannered biology professor (Roddy McDowall) has to hold a gun on his pupils just to get their focus on his lessons, and a timid tattle tell (Michael J. Fox) winds up shanked in the liver, just to name a few things, there might be good reason to move back to a smalltown or the suburbs and spare the rod.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Fists of the White Lotus *White Lotus can't be touched because he fights hammer style. A lesson about a gentle approach and pinpointing the right pulse.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 episode 22 "Mom's Crazy" -------------

*Little grey men nick around a ranch house near area 51.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Falling into a wanted by the government hacker's booby trap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Having a nice evening with a psycho park ranger.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mommie dearest keeps her abducted little girl in a cage.* 3 stars

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"Ultra Flesh" 1980 *Sugar (cocaine?) is making the world's men impotent and the President of the United States pays a visit to a third world dictator (Jamie Gillis) whose people seem to have no problem snorting and screwing. Secretly, however, the dictator is a Mr. Freeze type alien who uses his dwarf henchmen to plot against the earth women. An intergalactic group of horny aliens send down Ultra Flesh, a vixen from Venus, to shoot laser beams out of her poonanny and help earth propagate again.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: Free For All *Who are you voting for? Which puppet candidate will it be? "You wouldn't deny the rite of proper procedure?"* 3 stars

New World Pictures presents Larry Cohen's "God Told Me To" --1976-- *Urban upheaval caused by a lot of gristle in the melting pot. The doggedly determined forced by personal convictions that are of soul tearing origins. The easily swayed are proned to random acts of violence. The new age fortunate are full of fallacy with their fancy notions. And the pitiful and holy are just as much victims as they inadvertently victimize others in their own inability to face up to the burden of consequences that come with cruel circumstance.* 3 stars

X Files: Ghost in the Machine *Interfacing Promethean resistively. The machine is dead. Long live the machine.* 2 1/2 stars

"Silent Night, Bloody Night" --1972-- *A season of violence come to bare its withered, ugly fruit. The sepia soaked orgy of murder by the mental patients along with the undertones of incest, then father assuming the identity of his dead daughter, whom he fathered a child with, is all rather haunting/disturbing.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 15 *The spirit of a war veteran still haunts the barn where he committed suicide after a alzheimer's diagnosis. So, the team brings in an army honor guard to have a memorial service where a piece of his skull was buried, by his wife, on the property. Also, a little boy, from before the middle of the 20th century, who died of the croop, on the property, is sensed as just a mischevious spirit by medium Chip Coffey.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Open House" *Squint and bite down. There will be no sale. These spirits won't be built over, smothered out, skull fucked, love requited, or made to polish their own silver again.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Twilight Zone the movie *John Landis does okay thanks to the tragically killed Vic Morrow . Spielberg can only do schmaltzy Spielberg. Joe Dante puts some thrilling touches on a classic. Lithgow trumps Shatner in the freakout department, but none of these outings are as good as Rod Serling and the original.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Holiday Special-- -2012- *"He sees you eat your pizza. He sees you eat your pizza."* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Four-Sided Triangle *The sour couple from the Grant Wood American Gothic painting think they can hold captive a farmgirl to do all their chores. And Patricia Arquette is sure purty enough to make the crops grow. But the farmer's horny ignorance coupled with his wife's jealous mean streak are no match for the cow milking maiden's cleverness.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa the late 1990s *Somewhere between Andy Kaufman and the geek who bites the heads off chickens at the county fair.* close to 2 1/2 stars

William Peter Blatty's "The Ninth Configuration" --1980-- *"Consider the lillies of the field."* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Double Jeopardy *"You figure that you're owed something for all the love and compassion that you carry in you..." A liberal cop comes face to face with the harsh reflection of reality in an oily mudpuddle on the other side of the rainbow. One of many storyline elements including Dan Hedaya as a dirty cop who turns out surprisingly to be easily deeply sympathetic for.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back *A model murdered by crossbow. Was it the amateur necromancer, the hip richboy, the confrontational preacher, the quiet abuser, the German pervert, or the nervous pornographer? If the dead girl can't tell us, we'll never know. Detective work depends on kooky science and no forensic nonsense.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"The Conjuring" --2013-- *It's surprising to learn that famed demonologists The Warrens were actually selfless truthseekers and not the scam artists they were proven to be.* close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Dreadful Doll *Witchdoctor Beavis working for a mercenary Fred Flintstone.* 2 1/2 stars

"Phase IV" --1974-- *The perceived terror of a terrrestrial advancement not our own.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: I Robot *What is the value of conceived worth? Adam Link, the first sentient robot, has an amount of quality, as relating to empathy, greater than most humans.* 3 stars

South Park: #Rehash *Commentary and clit rubbing, both by obnoxious social media celebrities, is the entertainment content of the future.* 3 stars

South Park: #Happy Holograms *The most ignorant Christas special ever is now trending.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Birth Marks *Kari Wuhrer joins the cast as a test tube teen, and Jim's older brother -Will- becomes the central character as ST's link to the human world.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rewind This" --2013-- *"Don't let your mom tell you that you can't make a monster movie." *quoting* a door to door monster movie salesman and the self proclaimed Ed Wood of the 21st century. That pretty much sums up the 30 plus year culture, that became a cult, of video.* 3 stars

"Forced Entry" --1974-- *One of the first movies to deal with post traumatic stress disorder also happens to be a gritty 1970s NYC serial killer study mixed with a sleazy 42nd street rough porno. This is when skin flicks tried to be film art and this one is bold enough to juxtapose a home invasion sicko's forced oral money shot with scenes of burning Vietnamese villages and crying villagers.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Dead Ringers" *One never has to feel alone what with shared life experiences, sexual opponents, the psychic connection between siblings, or the prescribed lifeline of addiction.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Universal Remote *Skipping through the boring parts of life just to hurry up and get to second base with girls.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Awesome Show- Great Job! ---Chrimbus Special--- -2010- *"The Winter Man wants you to eat a pound of hair per year."* close to 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: The Holiday *Hijacked hip hip hooray.* 3 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Battle of the Barbarians *Big barbarians in little Beijing.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 -episode 6 *There's more than one way to kindle a fire, skin a rabbit, marry into an inbred family, serve a deity, shoot arrows, inflict torture, or climb an icy face of a wall.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: Beyond Life and Death *Wow, Bob, Wow!* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community TV- The Comedy Network --1998(?)-- *Tom Green seemed funny when I was around sixteen, now, sixteen years later, he seems more like a shithead.* either zero stars or 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors *The people who just moved in next door are nocturnal freaks with fridges full of blood in their basement. A Nickelodeon version of Fright Night.* 2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Doctor Jack *The key to a disgraced surgeon's miracle surgeries is a scalpel that hungers for shadowy street murders.* 3 stars

Farscape: The Flax *Scavenging, self preservation, strategic chessgames, sweet romance, and sacrifice all at the flypaper snare strip in the pirate portion of the universe.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: The Blanks *The Blanks (anonymous), for highly justified political reasons of freeing unjustly imprisoned Blanks, hack into and threatened to shut down a technology dependent society ran by corrupt corporations and politicians.* 3 stars

X Files: Ice *Who goes there? Another tense, paranoid version of the classic sci fi story involving a parasitic alien in an arctic setting.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 -episode 5 *Memorial shrine to regretful medical malpractice.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Asylum --Origins of Monstrosity-- *Skin to skin. A mother's touch.* 3 stars --Dark Cousin-- *Summon the angel of death.* 3 stars --Unholy Night-- *Satan frees Santa from solitary.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 16 *A strange, and humorously titled, ghost communication device called "Frank's Box" is used to speak to spirits trapped by a demon inside an insane asylum with a dark history and many unmarked graves on its grounds.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Dark Secret of Harvest Home" *"What men may never know and what women may never tell." Townies from NYC accidentally take a wrong turn across a picturesque covered bridge into a frozen in colonial times New England village where the townfolk have strange customs involving corn and keeping to the old ways. The more the inquisitive sketch artist husband digs into the secrets surrounding a strange death, the more the mother and daughter get caught up in the cult nature of the many festivals. It turns out to be a fertility cult where the new blood wife is mounted and humped in front of the cuckold hubbie by a bohunk who is then beheaded. As tradition, the husband's eyes are then scratched out by the white robed pagan women for having witnessed the sacred act. See, this is why I fully throw my hat behind the patriarchy and not mother earth religions.* 3 stars

"Hot Summer in the City" ---sexploitation--- --1976-- *While a soundtrack of songs like AM radio gold classic "Everlasting Love" played as militant black power jive bruthas took turns on a scared Alice in Wonderland captive piece of "white pussy" and the group's cockeyed idiot gets brow beaten and bitch slapped for getting his "finger stuck in her asshole," I realized why this movie is self hating, w.a.s.p. hating, obvious subversive, ugly mongoloid looking Quentin Tarantino's favorite dirty movie.* either zero stars or close to 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Boy Parts" *Extra piece of fried chicken. Frankenstein boyfriend. Ghetto hair extensions. 180 year old racist. Poisoned buckwheat. Alligator dung. Snake eggs. Stevie Nicks. Deep fried revenge. Poaching game. Minotaur Mandingo. Woman on top.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

King of the Nerds: Imaginary Realms *Cosplay challenge. The only cosplay that ever interested me was the scene from Revenge of the Nerds where there's spacesuit deception in order to get nookie from a cheerleader inside a moonwalk attraction at the fair.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: King of the Mountain *Confrontation is not courageous, but it is indeed cool when it is combat, on the side of a cliff, between David Carradine and a cowboy bounty hunter John Saxon.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Eye of the Beholder *Faust Gump* 3 stars

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