#He said that I was gonna go orc mode

[sleepyorc]

ORC FACTS

Orcs go crazy over labour rights. Are you not getting paid overtime? Why not tell an Orc and they'll give your employer a bit of... Gentle Persuasion...

[justanotherpersonsuniverse]

Today I watched Lord of the Rings for the First time, here are my live reactions;

Do note, I already knew so many crucial details and also I watched the last movie first for some reason. Anyways suffices to say I enjoyed it! My mom has wanted me to watch these movies with her for a long time so I’m glad I can finally make her happy in that way. Here’s the reaction;

I wonder how Sauron gets his ring on every morning

OH HIS FINGERS

Oh Sauron’s just, defeated

Oh no he’s got the ring

Oh he’s dead that’s rough

Golem!

Hes so gross

OH GOD HIS EYES

Ring just has a mind in its own

Bilbo! I sorta know you!

Shire! So pretty! Hi Elijah Wood. GANDALF.

Sassy Frodo! Aw they’re friends.

Oh this place is so delightful.

I love them.

This is so pleasant.

New Zealand

“Alright then keep your secrets”

OH SMAUG MENTIONED

Fireworks! How pleasant!

Such pretty music.

THE HOUSE.

Friends!!

The chandelier!

Tell Frodo what? Oh he’s planning to do the ring thing instead.

That’s a huge pipe.

Pippin and Mary!

Oh no dragon fireworks.

Oh no the ring. Bilbo no. “Why shouldn’t I keep it.”

OH GOD GANDALF SPOOKY.

“I’m trying to help you.”

Good job dude! He gave up the ring! “And he lived happily ever after.”

Oh bye Gandalf.

Oh he’s just here at the castle now! Ooh he’s reading. I love all these set pieces. Oh god “it is precious to me.”

OH NO. WHY ARE SCARY PEOPLE HERE.

“One ring to rule them all.”

“Sauron was destroyed!”

Ring whispers: “No I’m not!”

OHNO GOLLUM KNOWS.

“Don’t TEMPT ME FRODO”

Sam: I DIDNT HEAR EVERYTHING I JUST HEARD EVERYTHING

I know not to trust Saruman

“I have seen it.”

“When did Saruman the wise abandon reason for madness”

They’re gonna bust a hip fighting

SAM THANK YOU

I like the gate guy is polite! Has a little hole for hobbits and doesn’t question their shit!

Aragorn!

Ah the shrek scene!

NOOOOO THE GATE GUY THE BEST CHARACTER NOOO

OH GOD WHAT THE WHAT STABBING??

Ring Wraiths.. spooky..

Pippin looked the other way from the area the apple smacked him.

NOOO THE TREES.

Gandalf is on the roof?? Uh oh.

Seeing the trees fall I think of that one thing Tolkien said about a land without life and it’s the like barren wastelands of war.

Aragorn gave his friends good sized swords.

“They’re stupid” -Mom

“They’re fools. They aren’t stupid for loving and missing home. They’re fools for thinking it applies here.” -Me

-my mom and I’s argument

FUCK. ARAGORN COME BACK YOU LEFT THEM UNSUPERVISED AND NOW THE CHORUS IS HERE.

HES BACK.

The way they show how it feels to wear the ring is so triply and horrifying.

OH GOD THATS HOW THE ORCS ARE BORN WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT. That’s so fucking sick I’m mortified.

Elf?? Home girl your discord light mode is on. She’s pretty.

Oh oh they have they have a thing?

She’s so rad. Ooo cheek cut.

Love these horse actors! Good job you beautiful horses!

Oh my god is she a water bender she is oh my god oh my god she’s so cool. Very frozen 2.

PFJFJRJEED THE MEME

Gandalf?? Hi! You’re okay! And here?? Poor Frodo has had a wild 24 hours.

“I was delayed.” HARD CUT TO HIM GETTING SMACKED.

Bird!

“So you have chosen death”

Aw Sam! Gosh this place is so pretty. BILBO??? HE GOT SO OLD- old guy.

“I’m ready to go home!” Four movies to be seen.

Hey the rest of the guys!

“Destroy it! Cast it into the fire! Do it!”

“No.”

HEY I KNOW THAT LINE.

The one true king.

Boromir!

“Hey.” “What’s up.”

I like Aragorn a lot.

“Gandalf I’m uncomfortable.”

Boromir no this is how you die.

Legolas don’t out him.

“ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO MORODOR”

Gimli don’t talk to your husband like that.

Poor Frodo. Ah the “you have my..”  Aw team friendship!

Ah glow stick sword! OH GOD BILBO. Oh poor guy.

Oh no the birds. hey the snow! bOROMIR GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE RING.

How’d they get off the mountain? Eh whatever. Gandalf is really doing every password.

Bye bill!

There’s a creature in the black lagoon. Oh poor Gimli. He was really excited for thHHHIIIISSSTTESNRACLES.

“This is no mine this is a tomb.” GOD.

Gollum!

Gandalf I love you lots.

Oh wow this setting. Unfortunately I know what must appear in here and also what occurs. Poor Gimli.

“We cannot get out.”

“They have a cave troll.” Oh joy. Frodo’s sword is slightly glowing! I think.

OH GOD THERES SO MANY GOBLINS. I love the make up. OH SHIT HERE COMES THE BALROG.

“RUN.”

“NOT THE BEARD” BAHAH

Here it fucking comes his whah a cool design. What gorgeous affects.

Oh she’s beautiful

“All will fall” glances to Boromir

“Hope remains” she looks to the hobbits

OH GOD SPOOKY

Boromir…

Hello lady..? Are we.. chill..?? Mirror?? I’m slightly scared. I love your voice though.

Okay so that freaky stuff was the Hobbit thank you mom. Oh she’s talking about.. oh deeear.. DONT GIVE IT- Oh this kinda funny. The effects. Oh dear. Hi queen you okay? Good job lady!

Even the smallest person can change the world…

Oh no here it comes, Boromir … this is tragedy.

The change in his voice from resentful and deranged to fearful and worried.

“I would have gone with you to the end.” GUH…. The tenderness in his tone.

BOROMIR NO NO THE ARROW

NO I KNEW IT WOULD AND YET…

ARAGORN

HOLY FUCK THE HEAD

BOROMIR….

“My king.”

I’m so sad. My eyes are so dry though. <- Has dry eye syndrome

That was really good.

[getallemeralds]

doip. / 9.13.21

I WAS LOOKING AT THE MAP AND PEPPER STARTED EATING MY SKETCHBOOK

today we are in "o- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THIS SCREENSHOT

WE'RE IN ORRE BUT THE TEXTURES ARE FUCKED UP, BUT THEN PASTING THIS INTO WORDPAD FUCKED IT UP EVEN MORE??????????????

jorb did the math and the candy i'm eating is literally 50% sugar

maybe i shouldn't do my notes in wordpad actually considering it's weird all the time

good news: this time i think my headset is set up so i'll be able to hear the dbz music

oh there's nyx! he feel asleep. jorb: i was nearly gonna say "i'm gonna inject you with caffeine", but i almost said "i'm gonna inject you with cocaine". i think I'M gonna feel asleep.

PREVIOUSLY ON DRAGONS ON ICESPIRE PEAK: oh man the dbz music is so crunchy we cleared out a temple from dangerous oozes so that the dwarves at the excavation could hide out there from the dragon! also some other stuff happened. i think i maybe shouldve reread my notes

jorb: so you're gonna head to the inn? [water noise] michael: yes. jorb: WHO PEED?

michael is talking abt his friend's cat <3 luigi................ he is very afraid of everything and michael is trying to feed him, which is a problem bc he keeps hiding "like a little bitch"

OKAY we're gonna be escorting Don-Jon Raskin somewhere! he's been decided to be australian. jorb: oh god i don't know how to do an australian accent leo: YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN,, jorb: i'm a non-practicing australian.

jorb: --and two things of oil, which you should not eat. alidaar: but what if i did jorb: i think that'd be bad for your health. nameless: but what if i want to jorb: ..the crates--

michael: how much does an ox cost jorb: don't tell me you're gonna fence the ox! michael: no i'm gonna see how much an ox costs in case the dragon shows up and [the ox] doesn't make it

escorting a man, escorting an ox! are any of us good at animal handlOH OF COURSE THE DRUID IS michael: nyx is currently a binturong. jorb: you could stop being a binturong! nyx: no <3 this can only go well.

the ox is now tobias's new best friend OH, RIGHT, TOBIAS CAN TALK TO ANIMALS. he probably just talked to vincent (the ox). tobias: hi vincent! my name is tobias [silence] jorb: .........i don't know what an ox would say,

michael: new plan, i'm the decoy for the dragon

oh hey a pile of dead orcs. that's definitely not ominous or anything they died from extreme cold! dragon was here 3 days ago. uh oh. also i think it's fun that ali would recognize Death By Cold = Dragon considering their own breath weapon is cold fhglkxdfhk oh hey silver battleax!

oops i missed some exposition bc i was adding my shiny new battleaxe i stole to my sheet

heading into the mine! BIG RAT GUARDS? we don't know what these are bc ali and lil guy don't have great arcana and tobias, the guy who DOES, rolled a nat1 don-jon is now the overseer of a mine of rats (don-jon was sent by the owner of the mine to take over, but now it's been taken over by Someone New who has, uh, weird rat guards? this may be an issue.) This Is An Issue the mine has been commandeered by the whiskered gang! (ali: that's a stupid name.) they got chased out of their old territory by orcs so they've decided to turn the mine into their new base of operations. however, IF we take out the orcs, then the gang will leave!

oh apparently jorb had to add in the silvered axe i picked up bc uh. these guys are were-rats! so they're immune to everything that isn't silvered or magical! OOP

jorb: [doing scene description] ..why is the barrel crab typing?

hm. okay so we found an abandoned place with horses. specifically this whole place has gotten burned down. Not Good. time to keep moving on!

i spaced out and heard the phrase "bubblebutt ranch" and i will never be free again

nyx: I CAN BE A CATERPILLAR jorb: i highly don't recommend it

WAIT WHY DOES INVISIBILITY LAST FOR 1 HOURS little guy is now invisible! and scouting the shrine of savras. oh turns out binturongs can Open Doors. like, irl. sorry jorb :V

jorb: okay, you're touching the altar? nyx: i touch the altar. oh nyx is having an out of body experience! little guy is seeing a fortress on icespire peak, which appears to be where our bastard dragon is living!

jorb: luckily none of the orcs have moved from the spot you last saw them in, as if they're glued to their spots until they're engaged with in some sort of combat

oh we're doing combat now ALL OF THE ORCS TAKE THEIR TURNS AT THE SAME TIME?

HELP GIRL WE'RE IN COMBAT AND I JUST GOT PINGED IN THE TACO STAND TO EXPLAIN WHY HORSES AREN'T ALLOWED IN EMBLEM WARHORSE

leo: im using this orc's head as a golf ball. jorb: okay! you use this orc's head as a golf ball! it's.. it goes.

jorb: you can high-five the bear as a free action.

I Am Losing All Of My HP In One Turn

finally getting to use my runes! fuck yea. also i'm very tired and kinda distracted bc of Taco Stand Horse Discourse but mostly i'm just tired

tobias: i put myself facedown in defense mode and end my turn.

alidaar finished combat by climbing up a PILE OF BODIES and LUNGING AT THE OGRE to SLICE ITS HEAD OFF WITH HIS BRAND NEW BATTLEAXE and then used his morningstar to fucking golfclub that head out of sight. hell yes

alidaar: poggers. "you say that from 3 rooms away?"

WE STOLE A BELL THATS WORTH LIKE 2.5K GOLD?????? jorb: you gotta sell it though, it's not gonna just turn into money alidaar: what if we stare at it for a really long time

man. this is really different from arvus in structure. like this is a premade thing and its very much like . phandalin is the quest hub. go to a place! fight mobs! find treausre! go back to phandalin! which is kinda boring but also I Get It bc its premade. HOLD ON WHY IS MICHAEL TALKING ABOUT ORCS FUCKING LUIGI MARIO

[babblingbranches]

YA Novel Rec: Summoner Series by Taran Matharu

I kinda spammed some posts about the series in a short frame of time, and mentioned in one of them how I wanted more people to read it, but never really explained why they should. So here are some brief thoughts on the first book, The Novice.

It’s gonna be a bit of an informal review as it’s been several months since I read it, so the events aren’t as fresh in my mind. Also, sometimes, particularly when reading, I go into one of those moods where my mind goes “MUST CONSUME MEDIA. MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.”, and it really isn’t a great state of mind for critiquing writing technique, and I don’t currently have a good opportunity to reread it now that my brain is out of Charybdis mode, but on with the review.

The setting is much like your standard fantasy setting, albeit on the cusp of an industrial revolution, as guns are a fairly recent invention, with rifling being the newest innovation (for those who don’t know, rifling is the spiraling on the inside of a gun barrel to make the bullet spin and make shooting more accurate). Though, for the most part, the characters are fighting with blades, arrows, and spells.

The conflict of the series revolves around the Orc war, the oppressive noble faction, and the discrimination between the human, dwarf, and elven races as the main characters desperately try to ease racial tensions so they don’t all end up killing each other before the orcs do or make their jobs easier. To this effect, the school that teaches summoning has two foreign exchange students, so to speak: an elven girl named Sylva, and a dwarf named Othello, an unprecedented event forced onto the academy by the direness of the orc war. In fact, The school, Vocans Academy, was once a nobles-only school as it was originally thought that only nobles could summon, but once it was discovered that some commoners could carry summoner potential, they were also taught alongside the nobles to pump out more soldiers for the war efforts. Summoners are a valuable resource for the war as their bond with their demons allow them to tap into their demons’ mana to cast spells.

The demons are very much the selling point of the series. There are all sorts, some that are stronger and more fearsome than their regular animal counterparts, like dogs and cats, and others based in real world mythology, like kirins or griffins. However, while cool and all, in my opinion, where the demons really shine is in the more mundane moments. The author has no problem with writing demons being goofy animals doing goofy animal things in their down time, be it sleeping on their summoner’s face or chest like a cat, or begging for table scraps like a dog. The summoners love their demons as anyone would love their pet, and the demons love them in turn, resulting in many precious and adorable moments.

The main character, Fletcher, is fairly standard in that he’s loyal to his friends once he’s made them, hot-tempered, particularly when it comes to unjust people, but unfailingly nice in spite of said temper. However, he’s also quick-witted and clever as he navigates both the political field and the battlefield, and just because he’s a nice guy who doesn’t discriminate between race, doesn’t mean he’s above using tricks and harsh means to get the upper hand in a fight, even if he may feel guilty afterwards, nor is he a high road-taking golden boy that will avoid killing whenever possible. If he’s in a fight for his life, he’ll kill the other guy to preserve said life if need be.

The book is made up of many short chapters that my cousin pointed out and I agree with, ends in awkward spots, rather than consolidated into larger chapters. This is most likely a holdover from the story’s wattpad days where it was first published, but for the most part, the writing is pretty solid and really gets you feeling what the character is feeling.

Here is the book trailer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6fmKN9-YV4

And the first five chapters are available for reading here: https://summonerseries.com/trilogy/

If you’re interested with what you’ve seen so far and decide to borrow it from the library, I’d suggest borrowing the whole trilogy at once. I only borrowed the first book since I wasn’t sure if I would like it or not, but after reading the ending, I was swiftly kicking myself hard for not getting the second book. I wizened up and made sure I’d have the third book ready for when I finished the second, and thank god for that.

[rarestereocats]

Amelia departs on the enemy ship,  working out her payment with them so they can drop her off on the shores of some other port town.  She's to go on a diving expedition and explore a cave for some treasure to pay them back,  so with there still being a day of travel for her until they reach the landmark above said cave,  she gets situated in her quarters and meets her new roommates.  An interesting man with bronze skin and hair that seems to flicker like flames named Anayo and a snake-like lady named Lux.  When they all ask her about why she's in the predicament she's in currently,  she makes up a lie about how we mercilessly killed her boyfriend in front of her and then locked her in a cage with zombies.  You know,  just a typical Friday night for somebody out there.

But anyways,  she's somewhat sad to be leaving us all.  So as one should always do in times of stress,  take it out on your hair and ring in the emo new year.  She has Lux assist her in dying her beautiful,  rainbow hair that I spent a lot of time helping her maintain;  jet black instead so if we ever cross paths with her,  we won't recognize her that well.  After,  she has some poor man's dinner that only rubs in the fact she'll never see us again and makes her miss our darling cook,  Stabby.  Basically,  this entire day is a 90s sitcom montage of her time with us set to Green Day's "Good Riddance" and if this were played in front of a live audience,  this is the part where you're all supposed to obnoxiously go "aaaw" and mail us angry letters for making you sad.

Come the next day,  the enemy ship reaches the landmark and Amelia dives down into the waters and reaches the cave with Lux and Anayo.  Meanwhile,  the rest of us are messes in our own ways.  Owkbanok is busy learning some new spells,  but it's hard when he's entered Mom Friend Mode and is worried sick for our girl.  I'm a little sad cuz I really thought me and Amelia were becoming good buddies,  so now I'm trying to go through everything we have at our disposal to track her down.  TT is also working on tracking her down,  but she's pissed as all hell and wants to stab Amelia for being a traitor and a coward.  With some charts and TT's navigation skills,  we follow the path the enemy ship to a port town a day away,  but when we reach land,  there's no sign of the ship or Amelia anywhere.  We figure they must've dropped her off in the night and moved on,  so we head on down and begin to argue over the fate of our buddy.

TT's convinced she's sold our secrets (what secrets??) to nobles and is gonna use as a scapegoat to save her own her ass,  so she votes we stab her.  Neither me nor Owkbanok wanna go stab happy on Amelia and would honestly like to have her back in the crew,  so after some more arguing,  we come to an agreement.  We'll bring her back on board,  figure out what the hell happened,  and beat her up.  With this solid plan figured out,  I decide it's time to start whipping out some of my more disturbing magic to track her down.  She made a very crucial mistake in leaving her bleeding skeleton,  Romero,  behind when she fled,  so after ripping out his heart;  I use it to cast carrion compass,  which will take us to his leader.  His heart is creepily animated and floats up to lead on,  going right back out to sea,  which wasn't what any of us anticipated or wanted;  but after some complaining,  we file back onto the ship and hit the seas once more.

TT tries to say my pay should be docked for not whipping that spell out from the get-go,  but I was worried it wouldn't work over seas.  I make a point for myself that such magic isn't easy and when everybody who doesn't use magic immediately has an opinion that states otherwise,  most notably TT,  I go ahead and rip out Romero's new heart that he regenerated,  slap it in her hands,  and tell her to give it a go.  She sneaks off to go invisible to try and pantomime this shit,  but Owkbanok easily calls her out and it's finally settled that it is indeed not easy to do and my paycheck is safe...for now.  In the wise words of Celine Dion in a song made famous for a movie everyone pretends to enjoy;  the heart does go on...and leads us to a rock,  which it proceeds to slam into over and over again.

 Amelia's not in sight,  so we take this to mean that she has been tossed away to a watery grave,  but we still need to turn her body in for that reward money.  As I grab the heart and throw it into the ocean,  it dives on down,  so we do the same;  following after it as soon as we pull TT out of a rip tide.  Back to present time where our timelines finally meet up,  Amelia is standing in the cave with her new friends when in a disturbing turn of events,  the heart shoots out of the water and slams into the back of her head.  This understandably unnerves and startles not only Lux and Anayo,  but her as well as she whips around to punch it and then sees the rest of us climbing back onto land.  It's a very awkward and tense reunion,  TT jumping the gun and telling Amelia we're here to arrest her,  but Owkbanok clarifying that isn't the case at all.  After we catch onto too many of her lies,  Amelia finally comes clean and tells us she left cuz she didn't want to go back to her hometown of Carlo Rose or they'd have her killed.

She accidentally killed her father when her magic first manifested during an argument the two of them had.  With Anayo and Lux trying to shove their way into the conversation and our patience wearing thin as we wanna take Amelia and run,  Owkbanok kicks off the fight so we also take off with the treasure they claimed was down here.  While Lux tries to stop the fighting at one point and urges us to make a truce,  we're all stuck in the heat of the moment and soon;  she simply teleports her and Anayo away.  We wanna chase them down,  but we're as injured as they were,  so we head back to the ship to rest up and decide what our next course of action is.  We're not sure what to do about the fact that the lost princess is indeed our crewmate,  so Owkbanok suggests we all just gather some of Amelia's things to turn in and tell the nobles that that's all that's left of her and collect the reward.  It's straightforward enough,  so we move onto the next issue.  Treasure.

Lost in the cave somewhere and waiting for somebody to lay claims to it,  so we decide that Nathan will go down as a "peace offering".  He'll give them false potions of health that are actually acid and tell them that their ship sent him to help them out.  While he does that,  the rest of us will get into position to kill them both.  Another simple plan,  so it should go off without a hitch,  right?  Most of us get into position with no problem,  but as Amelia goes to get ready,  she trips on a rock and yells out;  alerting both Anayo and Lux to our presence and they immediately start wailing on poor Nathan.  Despite the earlier fight going terribly for us,  we turn this one around and with Anayo slain,  Lux races to his side and falls to her knees,  accepting her fate.  With an arrow to the head,  she falls and we do as we do and l o o t  t h a t  s h i t.

It's also apparently show and tell for demented ass spells today as Owkbanok goes and drinks a pint of Anayo's blood to learn a spell from him.  Could've been easier to swallow if he just asked the guy while he was alive,  but you know what?  If a man wants to drink a pint of another man's blood for the pursuit of knowledge,  who are we to fucking judge?  Not one to be shown up like that however,  I go and flay the skin right off of Lux's back because with my magic,  I'm gonna turn her ass into a treasure map.  I assure you,  this is all perfectly normal,  I say as I roll that skin map up and tuck it away in my bag of holding.  Even Amelia,  the literal necromancer,  is horrified by our joint display of the macabre.  Before we leave though,  she disguises Lux's corpse as herself;  flayed skin and all,  just to throw the enemy crew off our trail and discourage them from following us.

Cuz really,  who wants to go after the crew that apparently has blood-sucking half-orcs and tieflings with an affinity for making rugs out of flesh?

[internutter]

may I request our half elf Ango going through his first, or second Luumee? ( whether or not he's with Agatha, or what age he is, is up to you. it just thought it'd be interesting seeing our Ango go into full Nurture mode, or what have you.)thanks so much for reading this!

[AN: In Continuity with the Young Angus ‘verse, and a direct sequel to the previous request. AU adjustment, Agatha is now also a half-elf]

Agatha had grown to like making Professor Angus McDonald, world’s greatest detective, blush and stammer. Some days, she could do it just by smiling a certain way. Today, though, she wasn’t even trying. Yet there he was, in her company, face growing ruddier by the second.

He was also sniffing a lot and using simpler language choices. It was when he started to perspire that she suspected something was up. Especially when, upon sneaking up on the latest crime family plot, that he wound up right next to her, taking a deep inhale, and spontaneously purring.

In elven parlance, he had a pretty loud engine when he set up a purr. Even his distress purrs were audible across a room.

“Still it,” she whispered. “You’re gonna fuck our stealth check.”

“Smells nice,” said Professor McDonald. Something on his wrist began a tinny little chime. It chimed Love Is In the Air.

“What the shit?” Agness whispered. She grabbed his arm and pulled up his sleeve and saw a little alert. Luume’irma. Batten down the hatches. Oh no. Oh no. “You’re going through Luume? Now?”

Angus, a little behind on things for a change read the display, felt his own cheeks, and said, “Oh fuck, not this again...”

Timing is everything. Just as Agatha was reaching for his ‘off switch’, one of the obligatory stupid guards was bringing a young, teenage prisoner in for a dark ritual that almost certainly included a blood sacrifice.

“Baby,” cooed Angus.

“Oh fuck,” said three people at once, including the potential ‘child’ sacrifice.

Angus saw the chains, the ritual knife and, having also seen the altar, was able to put two and two together and come out with murder as both the problem and the solution. With Luume in the equation, it meant that most of the cultists and all of the crime family were stopped with extreme prejudice. Agatha helped, only to make certain that a few were left alive to testify to the authorities.

Angus, bloodstained and victorious, gathered both Agatha and the half-orc kid who had been saved into his arms and carried them to safety. Which happened to be a residence overflowing with evidence because one of the bosses lived in it. Used to live in it. There, Angus groomed and fed both the kid and Agatha, though his attentions towards Agatha made her blush and stammer.

He was caught between nurturing his found child and smudging up to someone he saw as a mate. Once that information filtered through her head, Agatha decided not to tease him so much about his affections any more.

“What’s your name, kid?” she asked the teen half-orc.

“Uh... Neosemo?” He wasn’t used to a tender touch, judging by the way he flinched every time Angus delicately untangled a knot in his hair. “Is he... okay?”

“It’s Luume. You’ve just been adopted.” Agatha thought about this. “It’s a lifelong bond and Professor McDonald is gonna be compelled to look after you. The rest of the family is just going to adopt you automatically...” Agatha temporarily lost the power of speech as Angus nuzzled affectionately into her neck and kissed her tenderly. “The good news is you got the best new leaf you could possibly have.”

“The bad news?” said Neosemo as Angus tried to feed him a fragment of lembas.

“There is no possible way to rebel because your family now includes the Seven Birds.”

Neosemo looked into the middle distance like he was seeing his first rainbow. “...holy shit..” he mumbled.

*

Angus woke himself up with his own purring. Someone very, very kind was waving scrambled eggs, waffles, and hot chocolate under his nose. Food. Yes. Good food. Even better.

He was halfway through it all when he registered that someone was talking to him. “Mrf?”

“I said, are you feeling better, now?” said Agatha.

Chew, chew, chew, gulp. “Much. Thanks for the food. Man, I feel so wiped out... Um. Was there... a kid?”

“His name is Neosemo and he’s talking with the city guard. A cleric will be by shortly to be certain you don’t have any issues. Is this your second Luume or...?”

“Yeah, it was my second. Ten years apart. I think I lucked out...” He tried not to inhale the hot chocolate. “You made all this? For me?”

“Yup. Sorry I couldn’t find any bacon for you.”

Now that he thought about it, bacon would be wonderful. Bacon or mutton and clootie dumplings and -damn- when Papa said the demands on an Elf’s body were high, he wasn’t fucking around. “We’ll find some. Pretty sure one of Papa’s restaurants is around here, somewhere...” Agatha refilled his borrowed mug with more of the hot chocolate, which was delicious. “Marry me?” he said.

“Wait until you’re no longer high on hormones before you ask that again,” she joked.

“Okay,” he agreed, then his heart swelled three sizes when his new kid entered the room. “There’s my boy,” he cooed. “There’s my beautiful boy...”

The interesting times were only beginning.

[divinecuriosity]

Character Development Questions: Hard Mode-- BOG!!!! Al

ALL? is that what this is supposed to say. bc im gonna do All 

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with? He’s an only child! Maybe a few cousins his age, he probably was close with them before he went away!

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like? Good, his moms really supported him to the point where he couldn’t do anything wrong in their eyes. Mom #1 was raised in a temple of Ioun, and is a half orc half elf. She works in the temple she and Bog’s other mom founded and tried to teach him to become a cleric like her, but once he voiced his desire to pursure the arcane she was happy to support that

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father  mother #2 like? Mom #2 was less ready to support the arcane, having converted to worshiping Ioun after meeting mom #1 and never really having a knack for magic. Both Bog’s moms see him as the perfect blessing he was intended to be and dont see any faults in him, and though they are hurt by his leaving they trust in their god and in him that it will be ok (not that he’s had contact with them to know that...)

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know? YEs! He first stumbled upon magic when he started to just be able to Do Things, but there was a wizard to came to his town when he was a child and showed the kids magic tricks, and Bog came up to him one day and basically said “i can do that too! my mom doesnt know this bc im scared to tell her but here let me show you” and this like, seven year old half orc kid does some medium level spell and the Wizard was just like. damn we gotta teach u. 

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets? Uhh, not much tbh? maybe some jerkey, a rag for sweat/cleaning things off, whatever coin he has on him? But he always has his drum on a sling over his shoulder, his flute on a chain around his neck, and in a trunk on the lower deck he has his spellbooks and Violin!

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams? haahhhh he gets periodic visions from Ioun being like,,,, hello my Blessing hows the Doing God’s Work going?? oh youre still on a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean? thats chill like ur moms i think you are Perfect and fully believe you will get back to it eventually, go find some new Knowledge and fill up that brain of yours thanks ok bye

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares? He doesn’t really get them I think? hes a happy guy

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target? Do guns exist anna???

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up? UHH hes a pirate now so. probably less consistent access to money ? he wasn’t rich at all like, medium middle class at best, but now its probably a lot more sporadic access to like , a lot more money

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing? Uhh he wears the same thing like all the time just loose shirt and flowy pants and drum. if he doesnt have his drum he might as well be naked. But he probably hates having to dress in fancy clothes/layers bc Tactile Bad 

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been? Uh he’s pretty Freaked Out now tbh, but probably the first storm they had at sea, or the night before he left Bard School

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been? Hmmm, thats tough idk? Every time he plays music for a group of people and they chime in/dance/just pay attention he feels  p calm and good

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way? Not really, he doesn’t like seeing people hurt but he isnt grossed out by it

Does your character remember names or faces easier? Names, they get confused when people change their hair or outfit rip

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not? They arent usually, but since being a pirate he kinda,,, goes along w it and has the mentality of “this is nice!” but its not rlly his end all

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success? Happiness

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child? Hmmm, probably drums

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others? Wisdom

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before? They get crushes rlly easily and then get distant if the feelings arent returned bc they dont wanna talk about Hard Emotions bc they never...had too

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism? They don’t compare themselves to others past like, oh they have more x than me and i wish i had more of that? More jealousy than him actually putting value to differences

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others? Uhh nothing rlly, tragic happened but his whole thing is he has a destiny he doesnt feel like he earned and is running from it but also feels Immense guilt for doing that so, lots of self blame in this buddy

What does your character like in other people? They like people with passion for something

What does your character dislike in other people? Uhhh being rude to others (like more than a joke, when its obviously upseting them)

How quick is your character to trust someone else? Fairly quick, he needs more friends

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person? Uhh idk tbh?

How does your character behave around children? He’s great with them for short periods but once he’s run out of little songs to play/sing and funny jokes he. gets anxious and gets out of there.

How does your character normally deal with confrontation? If its an authority figure? ANXIOUS! if its someone he sees as an equal / he has power over, hes more level headed

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation? Uhh hes weak and slow so, p slow. even spell wise hes more about protecting his friends than damage

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true? He’s pretty much always wanted to study magic and be a bard. maybe early early five yr old Bog dreamed of working at the temple

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting? Uhh, standard icky stuff like x-phobias 

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable. Playing for an Audience

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable. Talking about feelings, especially ~romance~

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve? A mix of willing to improve and self-deprecating, depending on whos doing the criticism

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method? They move from solution to solution pretty fast, they arent super patient

How does your character behave around people they like? Trying to impress them and also not look dumb

How does your character behave around people they dislike? Glare glare glare

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status? Honor ig?

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat? Remove the problem

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)? Uhh probably not? hes good w animals

How does your character treat people in service jobs? As well as he can!! 

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first? EARN EARN EARN

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them? Hmm, not really? 

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them? nah

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it? They say it really quickly and usually mean it, they just get close to people fast

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them? He’s pretty sure if he manages not to Fuck it Up he’ll go to Ioun’s realm or whatever, but hes not sure hes gonna,,, not fuck it up,,, or that he even wants that? death scares him so he just doesnt think about it if he can manage

[shambling-under-moonlight]

DnD hype

Last night's game was so fucking good, I can't even begin to describe. I fucking love this DM so goddamn much. I'm going to throw this story out there. Maybe someone gets some entertainment out of this.

Note: Our party consists of 2 wizards (myself included), 1 Rogue, 1 monk, 1 warlock. All around level 15-17.

SO we've been going after this pirate bitch for a while, knocking out her officers one by one. Today was Niall 'Silver Teeth' Bryce's turn. What we knew about him is that he has a big fucking ship, like his ship makes ours look like a raft. Tons of Ballista and has three, I repeat three Arcane cannons. These fuckers are like having a nuking wizard on your ship with a range 500+ feet. Not only that, he has some sort of device that creates magical fog. Obscuring his ship, but they can see through it without any problems. AKA, head on attack is not an option. >Engaging Navy seal mode. We decided to use our ship as bait to lure out the bastard but to avoid scuffles with little chicken shit pirates we made a big deal out of acquiring an arcane canon for ourselves. Parading it around the city like a bunch of wankers, bragging we were gonna take down Niall etc. etc. it was of course a fake but we made it seem real by doing test shots in the bay using magic. Tons of offers from merchants to buy it so it seemed it worked.

Anyway setting sail to fuck up some pirates. It took a few days but we found the enemy ship called ‘The Silent Night’. A heavy bank of fog rolled in from nowhere. Our captain shitting himself and turning the ship around and sailing away as fast as he could. We jumped off the ship. The other wizard poly-morphed into a killer whale and dragged us to the enemy ship. Striking from the rear (giggling ensues from 30+ year olds). We used a magic salve to create a hole in the hull, turning wood into a weird gel that we could pass through but would let water through. The hole is a tight squeeze, that's what she said(more giggling from 30+ year olds).

Ok, we're onboard the ship now. Found 4 intelligent zombie guards, guarding 4 barely alive humans. Monk + Rogue killed the fuck out of those guards in 1 round. Freed prisoners, turns out the captain has been feeding on them. *Vampire senses are tingling*. Gotta disable the fog machine to feed the captain some sweet solar vitamin D(eez nutz). Trying to teleport the prisoners to our base using a home-brew item, which takes 10 minutes.

4 Minutes in, another guard comes down. I Vortex Warp him into a prison cell with our monk and walled off the exit with Wall of Force. In hindsight, I should've just poly-morphed him but I just love Vortex Warp. Anyway, stupid undead guard was able to ring the alarm and chaos ensued. Quickly hustled prisoners into a Rope Trick room (bye 250 gp for the scroll). After a stampede of footsteps above us we heard the heavy footsteps of our ominous BBEG nearing.

A gruff orc voice calling out to us to come up for a little chat. Awkward silence ensues. My wizard being socially inept: 'we like the damp darkness down here, please come down, we're friendly :>'. This man is supposed to run a mage academy. Needless to say, the captain did not come down. Instead Daddy DM started describing, from the stairs a massive pile of corpses started coming down, forming a shapeless moving pile of bodies. A la World War Z. Bruh wtf, anyway that's Initiative.

People getting swarmed by these weird zombie golem ooze things. Zombies bodies flying around, landing on top of people. Chaos all around. Our Rogue, who for some reason, went to the other side of the ship alone and gets attacked by Captain Silverteeth. Warlock does warlock stuff and summons an aberration to fuck with the zombie-blobs. Monk does what monks do, punch shit. Rogue doing tons of damage because I cast Foresight on her earlier. The other wizard casts Sunburst on Captain vampire. Blinding him and the zombie-blobs. Royally pissing off the captain making him flee upstairs and sends down his wizard to deal with us. Enemy wizard tries to use Anti-magic field on casters of our group before going back up again. Lol, we don't care and walk through unscathed.

I chase after him and send him downstairs next to the our Monk for a beating with Vortex Warp + Portent, because fuck you I'm a Divination Wizard. Next turn enemy wizard GTFO with dimension door before monk can fuck him up.

After a round of dealing damage. Captain Vampy is getting frustrated and tries to attack me, grappling me, trying to give me hickeys and suck my blood. Remembering I'm an annoying shit. I cast shield and teleport 15ft away (Dragon-Touched Focus (Stirring) - Gem variant).Captain's blood pressure is visibly rising and flees to a higher level of the ship. Following him with the rest of the group slowly making their way up. Smashing zombie heads and zombie-blobs, we find the fog device thing. I disable it with dispel magic and an 18 from portent, because again, fuck you I'm a Divination wizard.

I get surrounded by a few enemies as the rest of the group catches up. I use Steel Wind strike to get out of the spot, teleporting around with it + the before mentioned magic item. Tons of damage all around and the search continues. After searching every room on the ship except the room the captain and the wizard were actually in, the ass beating continued. The captain had healed up while we searched. *scratch record* Hold on, you can't do that!

A few rounds of being an annoying little shit, teleporting around, counterspelling any spell the wizard tried to cast. The monk punching the fuck out of both of them. Me placing the captain in time-out (wall of force). Unfortunately the wizard disintegrated the wall the following round, but at least I pissed off the captain more.

The rest finally caught up. The rogue shot the enemy wizard, piercing his rag-dolling body to the wall behind him. Finally the monk roundhouse kicked the captain through the door outside, exposing him to sunlight and turning him into ash. Leaving only his silver teeth behind.

[kreetthekobold]

13 - The Wicked Serpent

It was just getting dark when Brand and Kreet knocked at Karl's door. The husband-to-be opened the door and Kreet saw that all his earthly possessions were neatly stacked up in a crate in the corner.

"Ready to go?" Brand asked.

Karl smiled sheepishly, "No, but we might as well get this over with."

"Well, it's your last night of bachelor freedom," Brand said as Karl got down his cloak and they proceeded out of the room. "You wouldn't want to spend it alone in your room would you? Or meditating in the chapel?"

"Don't you like ogling women?" Kreet asked innocently.

"Ogling? Gator, where'd you get that from? Brand has been smutting up your language again I see!"

"Oh, like you don't," Brand laughed.

"Hey, just because I do, doesn't mean I have to admit it! Yeah Kreet, no doubt I do. But after tonight I'm supposed to only ogle Vosa!"

"Are you sure it's alright for me to come along? I've never been in a tavern before."

Both Brand and Karl looked at their little friend. "Never?" asked Karl.

She shook her head.

"Well then, it's high time you did!" Brand said. "We'll look out for you. True sometimes the drunks can get rowdy, but the Wicked Serpent is a pretty decent place. And you're fairly well known around town, even if you don't go there often. Not many places can claim they have a tame kobold living nearby."

She glared at Brand. "I'm not tame," she asserted. "And nobody 'has' me."

"Sorry Gator. I didn't mean it like that. But you are a minor celebrity around here. You'll be fine."

"Besides," Karl went on, "It wouldn't be the same without you, Kreet. The three of us together for one last adventure before I retire."

"Karl," Kreet groaned, "You're not even 20 years old yet. I don't think you're ready for retirement."

"Oh, you know what I mean."

They arrived at the tavern in town near the Monastery and Brand opened the door wide. The warm firelight and sounds of voices inside drew Kreet in behind Karl.  The three walked through the place, eliciting little notice. Certainly some heads turned and conversations changed at the arrival of the kobold, but they soon returned to their business when nothing further happened.

Brand and Karl sat on seats at the bar with Kreet between them. While she stood all of four feet tall by this time, she still could barely see over the counter. Brand indicated the bar top and suggested she sit atop it instead, which she happily agreed to. Once there she could see everything. The frown from the bartender was quickly taken care of when Brand set some coins on the bar beside Kreet and ordered three rounds of ale.

Kreet scanned the scene. She was actually surprised and delighted to find that the place, rather than being filled with weapons-and-armor clad adventureres, was peopled more by the local farmers and merchants. Four serving wenches were busy delivering drinks and receiving rather bawdy attention from the male patrons as well as the occasional slap on the rump or worse. One of them came over to Brand and greeted all three of them warmly.  

"Brand! I see you brought your friends too! So this is the young man who is getting roped?"

"Yup! Red, this is Karl, Acolyte of Pelor and soon-to-be husband. I'm hoping you and the girls can show him a good time tonight. Remind him of what a foolish thing he's doing tomorrow!"

"Oh, I think we can manage that," the woman named 'Red' smiled warmly, taking Karl's hand. "I think we've met before, haven't we?"

Karl nodded, "I used to come in here sometimes," he admitted. "Before I met my fiance."

"To get drunk and look at us I wager," Red laughed, not letting go of his hand.

Karl nodded and she pulled his hand underneath her loose-fitting blouse, "Well, you'll do more than look tonight young stud!"

Karl's face turned bright red as she fake-moaned, then released his hand laughing.

"But it will have to be later, we've got a full crowd here right now. They'll start to thin out in an hour or so. Then we can open up the side room for you. Sound good?"

Brand nodded happily while Karl just stared at his hand.

"Is that ogling?" Kreet asked as she took her first drink of ale.

"That," Brand said, downing a big gulp of his own ale, "is called 'groping' I believe!"

"But," protested Karl, "is it 'groping' if she makes me?"

"I didn’t see a lot of resistance, Karl. And based on the size of that bump in your robe, I'd say the end result is about the same!"

Kreet couldn't help but look. "Oh! Now I get it! It's a mating ritual, right? He touches her breasts and that makes it...."

"Gator!" Karl hissed. "Shut up!"

"Oh... Sorry," she said. "This is all new to me you know. There's not many books in the library about this."

"Actually, Kreet," Karl said. "There are. But they're locked away from the Acolytes."

"Really?" Brand said in between drinks. "I never heard of that!"

"Oh yeah, I've seen them. I was in charge of the library last year remember. Pretty graphic stuff!"

Kreet was puzzled, "I don't know why they'd hide them from us at this point. For heaven's sake Brand, you've already gotten Vosa pregnant! What more could there be that you haven't already figured out?"

"Probably some idea about keeping us away from that sort of thing. Doesn't work though, obviously," said Brand.

"And you'd be surprised at how much more there is!" Karl went on, getting into his scholarly mode again and seeming to have forgotten all about his hand now. They have books on specific races and customs! Even one on the mating rituals of Orcs if I understood the title correctly."

"Anything on Kobolds?" Brand asked, putting his arm around Kreet.

Karl shook his head. "Not that I've seen," he said, actually having to look up to the kobold, given her high perch, "Sorry Gator. I did look for one too."

Kreet sighed and downed the remainder of her tankard in an impressive display given her diminutive size. "Oh, nevermind Gimp," she said when she came up for air, "I'll learn plenty of your rituals eventually I expect."

A few minutes later another round of ale was delivered and Kreet began to feel light-headed.

"...and they really don't mind?" Karl was asking Brand about the tavern girls.

"Those that don't, don't. Those that do mind, don't do it. It's that simple Karl. It's not like they don't get paid well. But no, they're not forced to."

"Wouldn't that make them..." Kreet asked.

"Well, yeah, sort of I guess. But don't expect anything Karl. The bartender made it clear, the girls will do what they want and nothing more. Right?"

"Hey! I'm pretty happy with just that grope!" Karl laughed. "Besides, if I drink much more I don't think it will really matter much!"

"What about you, Kreet? Do you want to see some women up-close and personal? Just for research purposes of course."

Kreet looked at Brand, her eyes a little unfocused. "I'd rather look at some men. A lot more interesting design-wise!"

"Pffft," Karl scoffed. "A stick and some balls. Simple. But women! Now there's COMPLEXITY! Why, they have a place down there thats..."

"Karl!" Kreet interrupted him. "You can turn off the instructor-talk now. Besides, I kinda know most everything I need to about women already."

"She's got a point Karl. You do tend to lapse into teacher mode."

"What can I say? Since spending time with Vosa I've become something of an expert in the subject!" Karl laughed.

"Well sure, you've got experience with ONE, but I'm sure Gator can attest that no two are exactly alike," Brand responded.

"I'm sure that's true," Kreet agreed. "Though I'm obviously a lot different than most."

"Snowflakes. You're all like snowflakes - every one different," Karl observed, another tankard hitting empty.

"Well, you are too, right? I mean, guys all like things a little differently too?" Kreet said, starting to slur her words a little.

Karl and Brand looked at each other and started laughing.

"Oh, I'm sure some do, Gator, but as a rule we all pretty much like the same thing," Karl assured her.

The woman known as Red came back up to them then and took Karl by the hand. Another came up to Brand and Kreet. "Come on! Red says you're having a batchelor party! I love those!"

"Me too?" Kreet asked, unsure of what she should do in this situation.

"Oh sure! Come on along little kobold! Don't worry, we're just gonna have fun. No sex involved, I promise!"

"Awwww," Brand cried, but picked Kreet up off the bar and they followed the busty wench, a little woozily, into a side room where Red already had Karl's robe off from the waist up and was massaging his back while sitting on him.

By the end of the night Kreet had indeed learned a lot more about humans and their habits. She also learned that too much ale makes you vomit and pee a lot, not necessariliy in that order. As they staggered back to the Monastery, all three were singing a bawdy tune that Red had taught them.

"But now I'm all pent-up," Karl complained after the last line.

"I know what you mean!" Brand agreed. "But save that for your honeymoon."

Karl nodded. "Yeah. What about you? You and Gator gonna..." Karl said, making an obscene gesture.

Kreet laughed in her half-coughing way, "Are you kidding? Now I've seen you both erect! You'd split me in half! No, Brand's going to have to handle it on his own."

"Which he probably will! Did you see those boobs Brand?"

"On Red? Jeeze, yeah!"

Kreet suddenly was depressed in the rapid mood swings that alchohol often produced. "I don't have any boobs," she said forlornly.

"Aww, Gator, boobs aren't everything," Brand said, patting her on the shoulder.

"They are to you guys," she said, practically crying now.

Even in his drunken state, Karl tried to revert to his scholarly tone, "Mammary glands are the most obvious external signal of a human female's sexual maturity, Gator. It's natural that they would interest us you know."

"And kobolds get thunder-thighs. I suppose in my native culture these things would be hot stuff," Kreet said gloomily, wiggling her butt.

"Yeah, probably so," Karl agreed.

The three arrived at Karl's room where Brand and Kreet said goodnight to the husband-and-father-to-be.

"Thanks again Brand," Karl managed to say before collapsing onto his cot. "That was a hell of a bachelor party!"

"It was! Goodnight Karl. We'll see you at the wedding."

Karl groaned as they shut the door behind them and Brand and Kreet proceeded to her room. She became aware of a growing tension between the two, though she didn't say anything. They stopped at her door.

"Goodnight Kreet," Brand said, kneeling down to give her a hug.

"Brand... if you want to come in for a little bit..."

Brand looked at her directly. The look may have lasted a second or an hour. Kreet couldn't tell. She only saw his eyes. They looked... deep.

"Kreet..." he began but she interrupted him.

"I, want you to Brand..."

But he shook his head and her world fell in on itself. She had revealed too much. She'd exposed her feelings for him. She would never have done it had she been sober or the night been earlier. Things would never be the same between them again, she knew. Why did she have to say that?

"I know you do, Kreet," he said, but her mind was already leaping ahead and seeing the darkness in front of her.

"Kreet, I do love you, you know. In a way," he kept talking, but she heard nothing. She wished he would just go away and let her die in self-pity.

"It's not because you're a kobold either, Kreet. But... this can't happen to me now. It would be such a mistake..." he said, but he might as well have been talking to a brick wall. In Kreet's ears she heard only the pulsing white-noise of the ocean or her heartbeat as her eyes turned purple and her vision wavered.

Finally he released her and she entered her room, stunned, closing the door behind her. She glanced over to where a short dagger lay in a drawer and considered it for a second. Then she looked at her claws. She didn't want to kill herself really. But she did want to hurt herself for the stupid thing she had just done. She retracted her claws so as not to draw blood, and began beating herself on her flat, flat chest. Hard.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ro & Ali

Ro: …---… Ro: Mayday mayday Ali: This is AlleyCat, roger your mayday, position is our bedroom, how can I be of assistance? Ro: That was a very efficient response Ro: What would your ETA be for reaching the fantasy section of the library? Ali: Constant vigilance, Rosaline Ali: 15 minutes ish providing the hairy-footed hobbits aren't too thick a crowd to cut through Ali: What's the danger? Ro: Let me preface by saying that I could burn a forest of cedar and do not believe I'd be adequately protected Ro: Now that you're forewarned, I'll explain Ro: Kayne is here because his dear sister is having a party at which he is unwelcome Ro: As if her birthday wasn't already cause for lack of celebration enough, I can now not escape his attentions Ali: Yikes! Not to mention the environmental damage too, and if it's not gonna work, we're defs best to avoid Ali: Also the Librarian would probably think you were blazing up back there and using pages of an old Jilly Cooper as roaches and who wants to be tarred with the same brush as Donovan O'Reilly? Ali: Gross, skip the protection spells and the like and go straight for a swift kick in the balls Ali: How is it he's ALMOST as delusional as his sister? Not in this galaxy or one far, far away, honey, c'mon Ro: Precisely Ro: Not to mention of all days today I chose not to wear black and I don't need the ash blow back to ruin this outfit Ro: He's in no way worth that damage either Ro: Hm! I couldn't possibly do that, though I have pondered long and hard enough to suggest telling him that we'd (providing you and Carly would be willing to tag along, that is) crash the party, only to leave him there and make our escape Ro: Perhaps I'm being delusional myself to create a narrative whereby Laoise isn't hyper alert to our presence upon all occasions Ali: That's what it is, you've let your cover down and he's taken it as an invite! Ali: Though sure, you could probably wear a potato sack and he'd still be mooning Ali: Ha, that would be hilarious though! Rock up with a card and a bottle like, hey babes Ali: Least we could leg it, only a few doors to safety, after-all Ro: Oh Ali! I don't know what he sees in me and frankly do not wish to know Ro: What would be proper attire for a soiree at your nemesis' house? Ro: I'm certain she'd love to see me a potato sack even more so than her brother would, so I'll assume not that Ro: Exactly, why would she ever be hesitate to drink anything we offered or read anything we'd scribbled on a piece of paper which may or may not be a curse?! Ro: Very amusing. Unlike the conversational loop I am currently stuck in Ro: To use the term conversation very loosely, of course Ali: DUH, you're beautiful AND smart, not like other girls! Gag Ali: [Sends multiple options with are a lot of black silk, lace, fake fur and leather moments] Ali: Right? We're the perfect party guests Ali: Been ages since we tried anything dark sided, don't let the chic looks fool ya Ali: Oh Lord, what is he even? Last time I got stopped by him on my way to the post office he was prattling on about some online game and I should join and Ali: I'd feel bad for him but he's also intensely dislikeable and entitled with it all so Ro: Oh god, you're not actually considering putting my pretend party crashing into action, are you? Ro: I'm as tempted right now as I've ever been to dabble in dark arts, but that's solely for his benefit, and my own in ending this interaction, not hers Ro: He's offering to tutor me right now, which I neither need nor believe to be his real intentions in asking Ro: I know I'm not as scholarly as you, but that's why I'd turn to you if I needed assistance, not someone whose scores are not even on a par with my lesser subjects Ali: Of course I am Ali: She knows she misses us, you know I know that you need saving Ali: Win win on many different levels Ali: 😂 Nice try, bud Ali: How cliche, taking too many lessons from bad porn and worse romcoms himself, like Ro: Please no Ro: If you bring an invisibility cloak I may consider it, but otherwise Ro: As for Kayne, I almost miss the days he used to put slugs in my hair Ro: He had the excuse of childhood to blame his cliches on and we had some new pets into the bargain Ali: It all comes down to who you'd rather be fighting off, him or her Ali: Pets, or INGREDIENTS, eh, Leesh? Ro: I just snorted, so score one for appearing unattractive, thank you Ro: If I take off my glasses will that likely add or deduct a point? Ro: But to answer your query, the way I see it, Carly's owed a rematch so maybe we should go to the party Ro: Birthday beatings are a time honored tradition, no? Ali: Welcome, if he gives us room to pull of an anti-makeover I bet I can get that score in the minuses Ali: He's defs into the glasses vibe, makes him think he gives a shit about what's on the inside and your brain, as if you aren't the epitome of beauty still Ali: Ooh, true, true, many scores to settle, rights to wrong...I'll see if she's down or wants her own training montage to counteract yours Ali: Now you're sounding like a McKenna! Ro: But even if I switched to contacts, dyed my sister's hair and went shopping for an entirely new wardrobe, he'd still take my personality as an invitation Ro: As though I crafted any of this to appeal to him, or indeed to repel his sister Ro: Just trying not to lose my own voice here as he mansplains the plot of the novel I was faux browsing Ro: I may take a swing for him if this continues for much longer however, and thank Fearghal later for the lessons Ali: You mean its not him, him its all for him? Shocker Ali: You got two options way I see it (still on the peace path, your soul can thank ME later) Ali: Either outwit him and pick a book he so won't understand and show him up with your superior intellect, easy or hard mode, act infuriatingly dumb 'cos that would dead put him off his ideal of you Ali: like Shakespeare who? Is that the Leo movie? Ro: Both excellent suggestions Ro: And I could indeed wax lyrical about how gorgeous Leo was in that movie until the library closes so Ali: Honestly, proof of angels Ro: Thank you, yes! Ro: Not that it's needed, but if people insist upon being ignorant, there you are everyone Ro: He'd never talk down to me about Trolls and Orcs Ali: Seriously Ali: If our teachers ever got creative with the assignments, then I could too, dissertation READY on how this dirty world of ours has tainted him Ali: not quite fallen angel level of dark deeds but he's certainly aging into a Nicholson and not a Caravaggio Ro: If you keep discussing his visual decline I'll have no need for an escape route because I'll simply burst into loud and dramatic tears Ali: Oh God, don't Ali: He'll want to comfort you Ro: Oh Ro: I never thought of that and I hope the mental image never crosses my mind again Ali: Yeah, that's his shit, worst type Ali: as bad as the boys making you cry, that's right Kayne, I said it Ro: I don't understand why he likes me when you exist Ro: Surely you're his type, as you are the bad boys around here, as well Ro: Sorry Tess Ali: Nah, I'm not as nice as you Ali: thus not worthy of his lurve Ali: Devastated, of course Ro: You're nicer than me, as Carly can attest Ali: Only to those who deserve it Ali: He gotta know that Ro: He believes he is one of the chosen though Ali: As far as I know he's neither Jewish nor Harry Potter so Ali: not that those are MY parameters 😂 Ro: He's proud of not having read any of the Harry Potter books as far as I know Ro: And to think we could ever be together! No no Ali: 'Course he is Ali: HATING POPULAR THINGS ISN'T A PERSONALITY TRAIT, NOR IS IT INTERESTING OR ENDEARING TO PEOPLE Ali: Shouting so he can hopefully hear Ro: I would tell him but I'm so embarrassed by everything he's already spoken aloud that I can barely speak Ro: I have to get out of here Ali: Run baby run Ali: I can do a stellar Ma impression Ali: out of the realm you'd be in trouble but I can ring you with drama like Ali: FUCKING HELL, GET HOME NOW, ROCKY'S ON THE ROOF AND THE CHICKEN'S BURNING AND ALI IS NO HELP AT ALL AHH Ro: Please do Ro: I didn't expect to be asking for an invocation of your mother to get me out of trouble but I gladly shall Ro: And owe you one too Ro: I've been on and off my phone so he can't appear as if it'd be out of the blue Ro: Oh and now I'm rhyming... Ali: Find yourself in times of trouble, Mother Tessie comes to thee, speaking words of wisdom, let it be Ali: On it Ali: Scouse don't fail me now Ro: If you keep making me laugh this plan is going to fall apart Ro: If in doubt, speak angry Gaeilge, he doesn't so he'll never know what you're talking about Ali: Into it