my updated list of parts i hope they keep in the red, white & royal blue movie
(updated after i reread it in a day) (a lot of these are just funny lines that add absolutely nothing to the plot but they make me laugh)
• the MAGAZINE 😭
• “he has the personality of a cabbage.”
• “i want to hear you gush like he's your fucking prom date.”
• alex makes a long loud fart noise
• “i'm going to throw up on you” at the stables (doesn't look like they're at a stables in the trailer 😒)
• “i'd rather be waterboarded” also at the stables (again, doesn't look like they're at a stables)
• “i bet he has a secret lovechild,” nora says. “or he's gay. or he has a secret gay lovechild.”
“it's probably in case i see his equerry putting his batteries back in,” alex says.
• midnight ice cream on instagram
• “i didn't know you wore glasses.” (henry's wearing a suit not pyjamas and alex is not wearing glasses what's that all about!)
• awkward fist bump on “this morning” (does not look like it’s a chat show in the trailer but also would a royal even go on this morning)
• star wars stan henry 🥹
• “not impressed, just surprised.”
“at what?”
“that you actually have, you know, feelings.”
• henry is beginning to smile…
• “do you MIND?” in the cupboard at the hospital
• “you're not the prince of me” 😭
• “i'd rather not be the little spoon.”
• henry's feet in a mop bucket
• “locked in a cupboard with your elbow inside my rib cage.”
• “i cannot believe even mortal peril will not prevent you from being the way you are.”
• “are you psychoanalysing me? i don't think royal guests are allowed to do that.”
• “is that the time you threatened to push me into the thames?”
• “no booty calls.”
• “it was like you were trying to set him on fire with your mind.”
• june's (nora now i guess 😟) plot to murder woody allen
• “don't let the papers print lies about me after i've garroted myself with my tie.”
• “you are the thistle in the tender and sensitive arse crack of my life.”
• “yes, famously the most sinister of all animal sounds, the gobble.”
• “cornbread knows my sins.”
• the whole turkey situation really
• “buy a summer home in majorca with the turkey”
• MR WOBBLES
• “jabba” cakes.
• henry watching bake off
• “you're jeff goldblum”
• “yo there's a bond marathon on and did you know your dad was a total babe”.
“I BEG YOU TO NOT”
• “it sounds like you did your best.” 🥹
• the new year’s party being referred to as “the legendary balls-out bananas white house trio new year's eve party” (white house duo now 😭)
• “please do not attempt to steal my shine. you will fail and i will be embarrassed for you.”
• “says prince fucking charming.”
• get low playing at the new year’s eve party
• alex’s reaction to get low playing at the new year’s eve party
• “christ, you are as thick as it gets.”
• alex falling while running with june (nora now i guess 😟) cause he was thinking about henry
• “he's gay and you're hot, so.”
• “still waters, deep dicking.”
• “prince henry is a biscuit,” nora says,
“let him sop you up.”
• they know each other's sleep schedule and alex gets in a bad mood when he doesn't talk to him 🥹
• “you're not going to kill him, are you?” she says.
“probably not,” alex tells her
• “shut up, shut all the way up, oh my
god”
• alex pushing henry up against a wall!
• “i mean, er, should we, i dunno, slow down?”henry says, cringing so hard at himself that one eye closes. “go for dinner first, or-“
• hooking one knee around the back of alex's thigh 😉
• ”i'm going to die,” henry says helplessly.
“i'm going to kill you,” alex tells him.
“yes, you are,” henry agrees.
• alex fixing his hair for him 😢😢😢
• henry singing god save the queen (king i guess) to make his 🍆 go away
• “i am going to do very bad things to you, and if you fucking ghost me again, i’m going to get you put on a fucking no-fly list. got it?”
• “you were jealous,” alex says. “you want me.”
• henry calling alex bossy 😂
• alex literally just insulting henry while he’s going to town on him
• “do you ever stop talking?” henry says. “such a mouth on you.”
• “hi,” he says, when he reaches henry’s eye level.
“hello,” henry says back.
“i’m gonna take your pants off now,” alex tells him.
“yes, good, carry on.”
• fucking eyelashes
• when he's done, he presses a sticky kiss in the crease of alex's leg where he'd slung it over his shoulder
• the mattress shifts, and henry moves up to the pillows, nuzzling his face into the hollow of alex's throat. alex makes a vague noise of approval, and his arms fumble around henry's waist, but he's helpless to do much else.
• the tip of henry’s nose catching on alex’s
• “for fuck’s sake, man, you just had my dick in your mouth, you can kiss me goodnight.”
• monocles for babies 😂
• “i don’t like that look,” amy says. “you look…sweaty.”
• “what in the rich-white-people-sex-dungeon hell?”
• the whole polo kit situation. henry slowly putting his boot back on the floor
• “i’ve thrown men in the dungeons for less.”
“hey, don’t threaten me with a good time.”
• paris!!! leaving directions to the cheese
• “you're a mad, spiteful, unmitigated demon, and I'm going to kiss you until you forget how to talk.”
• birthday floggings et al and the buttercream!
• alex’s heart going weird at henry on the boat and having to put his head in his hands
• “i don't give a damn what joanne has to say, remus john lupin is gay as the day is long, and i won't hear a word against it.”
• “i will staple your dick to the inside of your leg”
• “i did get both of the gay kings.”
• “deflowering the darling of the republic.”
• “i'm not ... historically great at talking about things,” henry says.
“well, i wasn't historically great at blowjobs, but we all gotta learn and grow, sweetheart.”
“wasn't?"
“hey,” alex huffs. “are you trying to say i'm still not good at them?”
“no, no, i wouldn't dream of it,” henry says, and alex can hear the small smile in his voice. “it was just the first one that was.. well. it was enthusiastic, at least.”
“i don't remember you complaining…”
“yes, well, i'd only been fantasizing about it for ages.”
• baby. (!!!)
• “i miss you,” alex says before he can stop himself. he instantly regrets it, but henry says, “i miss you too.”
• “i want to ... put my fingers in his mouth...” she moans, sounding horrified.
• just the whole karaoke bar situation. plz. toilet stall hookup!
• “bisexuality is truly a rich and complex tapestry.”
• o captain, my captain
• “if only you had known the mighty work of thine loins would be undone by a gay heir who likes it when american boys with chin dimples are mean to him.”
• the fruity truth: my favourite english author is jane austen.
• “when at wimbledon”
• “i want to see a cage match between your grandmother (grandfather i guess) and this fucking ghoul running against my mom”
• “and you are good. most things are awful most of the time, but you're good.”
• “he is truly a picture, wearing an expression of bewildered panic and absolutely nothing else.”
• “jesus tits”
• henry falling out of the wardrobe and just. sitting on the floor. (zahra finds him in the wardrobe instead :()
• “i thought you were getting into international relations or something.”
“i mean, technically-“
• “you're literally putting your dick in the leader of a foreign state, who is a man, at the biggest political event before the election, in a hotel full of reporters, in a city full of cameras, in a race close enough to fucking hinge on some bullshit like this, like a manifestation of my fucking stress dreams, and you're asking me not to tell the president about it?”
• all of zahra's quips tbh - “every time i see you, it takes another year off my life.” - “ask me if i'm afraid of the crown.”
• SEXUAL EXPERIMENTATION WITH
FOREIGN MONARCHS: A GRAY AREA.
• EXPLORING YOUR SEXUALITY: HEALTHY, BUT DOES IT HAVE TO BE WITH THE PRINCE OF ENGLAND?
• FEDERAL FUNDING, TRAVEL EXPENSES, BOOTY CALLS, AND YOU
• history, huh? bet we could make some. (the emails plz like i need at least some of them read aloud over a montage or something)
• “some saucy tart once tried to impugn my virtue against an oil painting of him, and in the halls of memory, some things demand context.”
• I GUESS THAT MAKES YOU. THE MF. NORTH STAR.
• “i thought you might need to, like, have a catholic moment about this or something?” 😭
• “santa maria is watching!”
• skinny dipping!!!
• “philip is the heir and i'm the spare, and if that nervy bastard has a heart attack at thirty-five and i've got malaria, whither the spare?”
• alex's meltdown outside kensington. very important. - “how 'bout i just keep yelling and we see which of the papers show up first!” he turns back to the window and starts flailing his arms too. “henry! your royal fucking highness!”
• “jesus, could you stop being an obtuse fucking asshole for, like, twenty seconds?”
• “i fucking love you, okay?” alex half yells, finally, irreversibly.
• “what do you want?”
“i want you-”
“then fucking have me.”
“-but i don’t want this.”
• “a whole lifetime of fine. that’s not good enough for me.”
• henry nuzzling his nose behind alex's ear.
• alex laughs and grabs his head and aggressively kisses his cheek, smashing his face into the pillow.
• “next time we shall visit some of the george Ill pieces and see if they burst into flame.”
• DANCING TO YOUR SONG IN THE MUSEUM
• “i completely fucking love you” and the ring and the chain
• “once shaan managed to dislodge him from the chandelier”
• henry’s email about memories and grief and the first time he saw alex
• “jesus, be a gay beard”
• henry and alex in the car after the fake date
• “i will physically fight your grandmother (grandfather i guess) myself if i have to, okay? and, like, she's (he’s) old. i know i can take her (him).”
“i wouldn't be so cocky,” henry says with a small laugh. “she's (he’s)full of dark surprises.”
• “your spine's a ridge i'd die climbing”
• “check the fucking news, you horny little miscreant”
• “it’s about to be gay DEFCON five in this administration.”
• “then fuck it.”
• the big group hug
• oscar saying “give ‘em hell.”
• “you're my mean friend.”
• “jumping off cliffs is kinda my thing”
• I 😭 LOVE 😭 HIM 😭 ON 😭PURPOSE 😭 they can't leave that out if they do i'll kill someone
• “what are we even defending here, philip? what kind of legacy? what kind of family, that says, we'll take the murder, we'll take the raping and pillaging and the colonizing, we'll scrub it up nice and neat in a museum, but oh no, you're a bloody poof? that's beyond our sense of decorum! i've bloody well had it. i've sat about long enough letting you and gran and the weight of the damned world keep me pinned, and i'm finished. i don't care. you can take your legacy and your decorum and you can shove it up your fucking arse, philip. i'm done.”
• “for what it's worth,” he says to philip, “that is the bravest son of a bitch i’ve ever met.”
• “we banged it out last night” + high five
• “i've been gay as a maypole since the day i came out of mum, philip.”
• all the support for them 🥹
• bea pouring the tea on philip's lap
• “you know, i think all that cocaine i did must’ve really done a job on my reflexes!”
• henry pulls alex close and kisses him, whispers, "i love you i love you i love you."
• never 😭 tell 😭 me 😭 the 😭 odds 😭
• “my life is a cosmic joke and you're not a real person”
• “you are the absolute worst idea i’ve ever had”
• “listen, you've had your first big sex scandal. no more sitting at the kids' table.”
• how to love each other in plain sight
• “holding henry’s hand atop his own knee” in the portrait
• “all this fundraising for sobriety is going to drive me to drink”
• “i'm the prince of...here” 😭
• “you spent a month of your gap year talking to yaks in mongolia, h.”
• “i know it's a lot, but you give people hope. so, get back out there and be alex.”
• the super six 😭 (fantastic five now i guess)
• the picture of them on the cover of the magazine
• henry fixing june's hair 🥹 (NORA NOW I GUESS 😟)
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