#Holby ff

[madam-wakefield]

Open when...Chapter 1

AO3 Link FF Link

Summary:

When a few years into their relationship Bernie is asked to go back to the army and deploy Serena isn't sure how she's going to get through the nine months without her girlfriend. What she doesn't expect is for it to be her girlfriend who has the perfect set of surprises to get her through both the best and the worst days. Canon divergent - Elinor lives (well actually the accident never happens), Raf lives, and Cameron isn't a total ass! The staff of AAU also probably didn't all work on there at the same time in canon but do in this! The fic is already fully written with the first few chapters having already been Beta'd. 27 chapters including the epilogue. Hoping to post every Monday and Friday!

Chapter 1

Open when you get this…

Serena always knew she’d go to work the day after Bernie had deployed. In some way, she can make herself believe that this is just like the times when Bernie has gone away for a few days for a medical conference or to visit an old army friend. But deep down she knows it’s not, knows that she won’t see Bernie in person for nine months. 

She walks into their office and there on her desk is a beautiful floral box full of what look like ivory envelopes. Serena sits down in her chair and pulls it close to the desk, noticing one delicate envelope propped up against the front of the box.

She stares at it, eyes fixed upon Bernie’s messy writing on the front: Serena - Open when you get this…

She stares at it a little longer, wanting to commit this image to memory before complying. 

My Dearest Serena,

The main reason for writing these letters is because I love you! I love you so much and I want to be able to remind you of that as much as I can. In your moments of weakness. In your moments of joy. When you need to feel loved know that I will always love you. These letters are just here to remind you of that while we are apart for the next nine months. Put them somewhere you will see them often, or carry them around with you if you have to, so you always remember to Open When You…” 

I love you and miss you so much already.

All My Love, Bernie,

Your Big Macho Army Medic x 

She knows she doesn’t have time to respond instantly, she’s got ward rounds to do, and a short surgery scheduled but she promises herself this is the perfect excuse to write Bernie her first bluey. 

She plans to write to her on her break but of course, all the best laid plans always go wrong. Bernie’s red phone rings just as she’s about to go and get herself a pastry from Pulses. She’s missing her girlfriend, so who can blame her if she wants a bit of comfort food?

She goes into surgery with Raf, naturally taking the lead. He’s a good surgeon and she knows it, but it’s going to take her some time to be able to give up control to him in that way. She’s so used to working with Bernie in that respect, where neither of them really takes control, they just work side by side effortlessly without there needing to be a lead. 

After surgery she updates the patient’s family and is just thinking that she’ll have a break now, and maybe actually write to Bernie, when Sacha comes onto the ward to remind her that she’s ten minutes late for the clinical leads’ meeting. Thankfully, she can blame it on the emergency surgery.

She spends more of the meeting thinking about Bernie than actually paying attention. Wondering how Bernie’s flight was. Wondering exactly where Bernie is now. Wondering how she is ever going to get through the next nine months without her girlfriend. 

Normally after a meeting, Bernie will spoil her with coffee and a pastry and kisses if there is time, but she knows she isn’t getting that today or for the next nine months and she can’t help but feel a little deflated at the thought. 

She’s professional enough to offer her opinion a few times to make it look like she’s paying attention to the meeting but doesn’t really stretch herself. She’ll make up for it another time but today isn’t it. 

After the meeting she grabs her own coffee and pastry from Pulses and is this time determined to write Bernie’s letter, so she walks back onto AAU and locks herself in her office. She takes her time thumbing through the envelopes in the box, allowing herself to glance at what’s written on some of them, from love, to sorrow to anger, although she’s not convinced, she’ll need to use that last one. She then turns to her own bag and gets out one of the blueys she has in there—she and Bernie had picked up a stack from the post office before her deployment—and her favourite writing pen before sitting down at her desk. She knows she could use the INtouch electronic mail service to send Bernie an email but she wants the first letter she writes her girlfriend to be a handwritten one. 

Dear Bernie,

How!?! How did you ever get time to think so much about my needs while doing all the things you had to do? The idea of the envelopes has filled my heart with joy and all I can say is I’m so damn lucky that I am the woman you want to share your life with.

I had a quick look through the other envelopes, and I cannot believe all of the different occasions you have managed to cover. I do not have the words to tell you how loved this gesture of yours has made me feel. And you say that you don’t think you’re very good at romance!

I’ve got so much more I want to write but I’ve got to cut this letter short as your red phone is pulling me away from my break, but I promise to write again soon. 

All my love, darling…

Stay safe, soldier.

Serena x

The red phone call leads to a complicated surgery. Serena stays with the trauma patient and completes the surgery, even if it does mean that it’s two hours past her shift when she finally finishes. By the time she gets home and into bed she’s at least so tired and in need of rest that she doesn’t have as much time to miss Bernie, so she falls asleep much more easily than she had the previous night. 

[bitchbrisket]

Thanks to @slightlyintimidating for tagging me in the fic writer 20 questions game, I haven’t done one of these in a couple of years.

How many works do you have on AO3? 515

What’s your total AO3 word count?

Too many words to count?

What fandoms do you write for?

In the past there was a bit of Wicked, the three musketeers, more recently the Miss Fisher murder mysteries, Berena, Mamma Mia every so often but for the past few years it’s been a smidge of ghosts, an occasional foray into the wheel of time, a hefty dose of the worst witch (both 1998 and 2017) and a sprinkling of the Mallorca files.

What are your top five fics by kudos?

All of these are Berena. Mainly AU which is great. I do love an AU. I’m fond of most of these fics.

Lonely hearts of Holby (fics featuring radio are criminally underrated)

Love endures & love is kind (what possessed me to write a vicar ffs?)

Wolfesbane take me away (this turned out better than I realised it would)

Oh Major (smutty smut smut smut)

Love of a lifetime (I think I would have written this a bit differently, in hindsight) .

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always. Comments and kudos are never guaranteed and someone took time out of their day to show me that they appreciate my scribbles.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I’m not a fan of ending with angst but I have written a couple that end in death or a breakup usually because the character has been killed off. The most recent was won’t find the answer by staring at the stars.

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of them.

Do you get hate on fic?

Every so often. Got a bit more a few years ago but I’ve recently had an anon who’d acted as if I’d forced her to read the story under duress and she decided I had psychological problems. Absolute lol.

Do you write smut?

I do. I try not to repeat the same phrases and wording all the time and I have a list of phrases I can’t stand reading so that makes it even more of a challenge.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I’ve written a handful of crossovers. The most popular one I’ve done is Chessy from the parent trap and Miss Honey from Matilda. Someone on tumblr shipped them so I wrote the story and gifted it to them.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I contributed to one with my friend Jaqui (I never knew you were the someone waiting for me)

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Got lots; Serena Campbell & Bernie Wolfe, Siuan Sanche & Moiraine Damodred, Ada Cackle & Hecate Hardbroom, Agatha Cackle & Dimity Drill, Maria (?) & Baroness Schrader, Elizabeth McMillan & Concetta Strano, Bill Anderson & Harry Bright.

What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

I deleted it in the end but I was trying to write a crossover with Poirot and Mrs Bradley. But I’m terrible at writing murder mysteries so I gave up on it in the end. I just know that the butler didn’t do it.

What are your writing strengths?

I’ve been told that I write great comedy one liners. That my writing isn’t cliched and the way I describe a character’s emotions and actions feels very real.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Extending dialogue for a long time is a struggle for me. I do well without much dialogue. Feels like a script and it seems wooden to me. And action. Can't write any action whatsoever.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Fine. I’ve done it occasionally.

First fandom you wrote for?

I think Elisabeth the musical?

Favourite fic you’ve written?

I can’t pick just one. But I really enjoyed writing Sweet nothings & Wind's in my eyes, I heed your call

Tagging: @batnbreakfast @marvelousmadmadammim @sosaywefrakkinall711 @hovercraft79

Questions to respond to:

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

3. What fandoms do you write for?

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

8. Do you get hate on fic?

9. Do you write smut?

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

16. What are your writing strengths?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

[riverstardis]

the dying game:

i’m currently in the car going down to london lol

yup putting a cake with sparkling candles down right next to a load of coats is going to cause a fire

zoe using an e-cigarette

cal saying “i can be interested in anything for about an hour, that’s why i became an ed doctor” sjskdkfkrk mood

lily trying to talk to cal and invites him to look at some x-rays from an interesting patient with her after work and he’s just trying to avoid her

oop and ethan sees them talking from afar

okay well my ipad just decided it can’t play the file type after playing just fine for 10 minutes so i guess i’ll finish this later

it is now 2 days later and i’m now on my way back up from london (i watched cabaret yesterday and amy lennox was it, i wasn’t expecting to see a holby actor in the wild lol but she was incredible! i also saw some of the marathon but i didn’t see george rainsford, not that i was particularly trying to tbh but it would’ve been cool if i had) so let’s see how long my ipad decides it can play this file for this time

a high speed motorbike chase ending in a crash? on casualty? what a surprise

cal telling fletch he owes him £40 because he succeeded in sleeping with lily🤢

and fletch going “lily really should know better”

robyn and charlie giving a patient who’s being difficult to lily because they know she won’t take his shit

“fetch me a pair of pliers, if he wants his tooth removed i’ll do it myself” YES LILY SJSKDKFK

oop rita saying her husband’s dead again

the elderly patient who was turning 100 has his letter from the queen

“i never had you down as a drinker, dr chao” “i’m not, i don’t even like wine gums” sjskdkfj i love her

lily asking cal “are we gonna talk?” “about what?” “about what? about your views on warfarin vs novel oral anticoagulant for atrial fibrillation, what do you think i’m talking about?” “like i said lily, everything in moderation” aand of course ethan walks by and hears them

ethan asking cal what’s going on with him and lily and cal going “nothing. i think that’s her problem” ffs he’s so annoying

aw fletch giving rita some money for food even though he’s basically broke

connie calling guy self down and zoe’s so annoyed and baaarely hiding it sjskdkd

urghhh the patient drinking hand sanitizer because lily took his alcohol

“what did guy want?” “guy? he wanted to share your thoughts on the inadvertent holding pattern that we had in reception earlier” “well i’m sure you see just the one death is a small victory under the circumstances” “it’ll be two before the day’s out” HAHAHA I ACTAULLY LAUGHED OHT LOUD GRT HER ZOE SJSKDKFJF

keller and darwin name drop

ethan trying to talk to lily he’s so awkward sjskdkd i love him

lofty telling noel and big mac that rita used to be married and her husband died😬

casualty hitting me with the old lesbians again🥹🥹🥹🥹

aww tess thinking it was lofty that arranged the cake for the patient and telling connie how he’s the only one who would’ve been thoughtful enough but it was actually connie’s idea but she lets him get the credit

apparently this week they’re not showing classic holby and are doing double casualty instead, idk if it’s just for this week or what

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I think where I’m at right now is that I appreciate the episode and what it says, this felt like the show going back to its roots, the exits were done better than I expected (although it’s cruel to tease that Charlie would finally free us and leave, ffs when will it happen) and make sense as much as they can, but I’m not happy with the lead up to this as the past few series just haven’t been great, I don’t think Sacha was needed and I don’t know how to feel that he’s there (love him but prime example of why and how the Holby ending fucked everything up ), and new nurses are needed but the makeup of the ED is still unbalanced and I don’t think they have the personalities they need in the cast right now for the stories they’re trying to tell.

Yeah, I pretty much agree with all of this.

I'm agreed on the Charlie exit teasing feeling cruel, lol. I didn't find him too intolerable in this episode but I know he'll be right back to annoying me soon enough, so. ://

I've had complicated feelings on the past few series - sometimes the show's been great (the Paula story springs to mind), some of the storylines have been awful (anything to do with Faith in particular + the Ollie storyline which was never a good idea).

"I don't think Sacha was needed and I don't know how to feel that he's there (love him but prime example of why and how the Holby ending fucked everything up)" This is exactly how I feel about his appearance. It could've been any generic general surgeon, but if they really wanted someone from Holby specifically I think I would've preferred them to use Dom. After the Holby finale, there's too much baggage with Sacha that was never going to be handled right in a quick cameo like this.

"I don't think they have the personalities they need in the cast right now for the stories they're trying to tell" This is a really good point, I hadn't even thought of it like this but you're right. I hope the new nurses will be good.

[guccibootyellow]

My Twitter

Hello, everyone ☺️ for those of you who don’t know, I am practicallyperfectpoppins on fanfiction.net and t_hanson on ao3!

I’ve written for several fandoms but have shared publicly my writings for Waterloo Road, Mary Poppins, and Steven Universe over the years. I have also shared content, written and otherwise, around these fandoms on my various blogs.

I now have a twitter! So if anyone is interested in my writing updates, in my other content for these fandoms, or my general thoughts around fiction, my twitter is below!

If you just wanna say hi, feel free to say hi also 😊 mutuals, hmu so I know to follow you back! If you’re not a mutual but in the fandom, I’d love to follow similar content so hmu anyway 👀

Fandoms I’m also interested in (off of the top of my head): our flag means death, sailor moon, she ra, the owl house, gentleman jack, the sound of music, call the midwife, berena from holby, adventure time, avatar: the last airbender, bob’s burgers, buffy, the old guard, and demon slayer.

There’s more but my brain is poop rn.

[berenaadvent]

So it’s officially ready!!! The first official Berena Advent Calendar. Each day a new door on this calendar will open to reveal the prompt!

[akaanonymouth]

Holby made me cry I hate it

[martykirkby]

you go, we go.

[friedaaaaaaargh]

Was thinking about how much I’d love Cam to be murdered by Donna or Ange etc in a ‘whodunnit’ storyline. Now that’d really bring the ‘Dunn’ to a ‘whodunnit’

[naylorxmarch]

Emma's drawing of Jac had a sad face AS IF this episode wasn't heart-breaking enough

[madam-wakefield]

Historical Apology

Read on A03

TW: Homophobia Military Homophobia Internalized Homophobia

My work for the @berenaadvent Day 5 prompt “Historical”

Based around the The LGBT Veterans Independent review. Please do heed the homophobia warnings if that may be triggering.

Okay - so maybe this is a slightly stretch at the prompt “Historical” but once the thought was in my head it wouldn’t leave!

———

Serena comes home to fine the house eerily quiet. Bernie has had the day off and had told Serena she was planning to do a few of the DIY jobs that she’d got behind on because it’s July and they’ve spent all of their shared days off outside enjoying the sunshine. It’s not overly late just a little past 7pm and the temperature outside is still pleasant, so she wonders if maybe Bernie is outside, but isn’t convinced as she can’t hear any music playing. Bernie nearly always has music on if she’s tending the garden.

Serena places her shoes on the shoe rack by the front door, doesn’t want to walk through the house with her shoes on especially as she has her garden shoes by the conservatory door. She walks slowly through the house listening for signs of Bernie. Dinner hasn’t been prepped or started, though that in itself isn’t an issue, they are both quite used to eating post 9pm due to their shift patterns. Heads through into the conservatory but knows instantly Bernie isn’t outside due to the presence of her garden shoes on the doormat.

Serena doesn’t panic, there have been times before when she’s come home to a quiet house. Knows it might be a sign that Bernie just needs space, knows that Bernie has been part of things and seen things she will never understand. Knows that sometimes even out of the blue these things can play on her mind. She’ll go and find her girlfriend though, see if it’s space or company she needs and go from there.

She walks back through the house, and heads towards the stairs, it’s only as she approaches the last couple of steps that she can hear the faint sound of the telly coming from their bedroom. Wonders if Bernie has somehow got distracted during the DIY.

She pushes the door open, the shelf Bernie was meant to be putting up is discarded left propped up against the wall, though the brackets have definitely been screwed in. There are tools lay haphazardly on the ground underneath. Shes about to glance at the bed, wonders if Bernie has fallen asleep when the words coming from the TV stop her in her tracks.

The voice is unmistakable as the Prime Minister “The ban on LGBT people serving in our military until the year 2000 was an appalling failure of the British state – decades behind the law of this land.” She feels her own throat tighten at the words, can’t even comprehend the thoughts going through her girlfriend’s head. Wants to move, to say something, anything that might help. But she can only stare at the telly as the clip switches from the Prime Minister to the defence secretary Ben Wallace, can only listen to his words come from the TV screen.

“I am deeply sorry for what happened to you the very tolerance and values of western democracy that we expected you to fight for we denied to you. It was profoundly wrong.” Serena cannot describe the feeling in her chest at the words, the deep-seated heart ache that is so unlike anything she’s ever felt before. Knows the way she’s feeling is only a fraction of how Bernie is feeling. She forces her eyes away from the screen then, forces herself to look at the bed, to her girlfriend sat against the headboard, hunched over with her knees pulled to her chest, body shaking with silent sobs.

Serena walks to the telly, turns it off, walks in big strides over to the bed, slides up to her girlfriend and whispers her name more gently than she thinks she ever has in her life. “Bernie.” There is a pause, maybe for thirty seconds, but then Bernie moves her head, looks up at Serena. The sight before her breaks her heart, Bernie’s eyes red from crying, looking so anguished that Serena feels like her heart shatters.

“Cuddle?” Serena offers it as a question, knows Bernie may still want more space. Waits until Bernie nods before opening her arms. Bernie nestles against her, in a way that’s somewhat unusual for them, more often than not it’s Bernie holding her when they cuddle. Bernie settles her cheek against her chest, and Serena brings her arms around her tightly. Holds her close, rubs her hand gently up and down her arm. Doesn’t say anything else, knows from the time they’ve been together that Bernie will speak once she’s found the right words.

“Thank you,” is the first thing Bernie says, still not totally used to a partner who has her own best interests truly at heart. Shifts so that she can look as Serena as she talks, but instead connects their hands, her own way of grounding herself.

“I’ve known something like this was coming, ever since the report was commissioned. I’d known we’d get some big statement, but I didn’t except it to hit me so hard.” Bernie runs her thumb over Serena’s knuckles as she speaks, reminds herself that this is Serena that this conversation is okay, that Serena will never judge her for anything she has to say.

“I knew even before I was gay that I was destined to join the army. My brother, who should have been the one to join, had a form of childhood epilepsy that despite growing out of as a teen disqualified him from joining for safety reasons. We realised this when he was 16, I’d have been 12. I remember overhearing a conversation between my dad and granddad about the importance of the Wolfe family name carrying on, knew then and there that it was going to be me that carried that burden.” She can see the imagine vividly in her head, sat on their stairs of their house, leaning against the wall as her dad and grandad spoke. “I told them a few days later that I was going to join when I was old enough and I’ll never forget the pride in their eyes” and she can see it even now, can’t help but wonder if that pride would be the same now. She’d made it to major, a rank above them both, but would they be proud knowing that despite the fact she was a major that she’s also gay. She shakes her head gently can’t let that thought come into her mind now.

“As I got older the used to tell me stories, of the things they done, of the people they’d worked with. They made it sound glamorous in a way. Talked to me about what I wanted to do, it was a tradition that the Wolfe’s always entered as officers, and in the end, I decided it was medicine that I wanted to do. Of course, as time passed, I realised that I had feelings for women, knew that it wasn’t even really accepted in society and that it definitely wasn’t accepted in the military. But I pushed it aside knew I had a duty to my family, and that came above my own feeling. The army paid for my medical training, on the agreement that I served for at least 10 years, and I agreed because it took so much pressure off the family.” She feels Serena squeeze her hand as she’s speaking a silent sign that she’s listen that Bernie can keep talking.

“It wasn’t until I first attended officer training that I realised just how unwelcome the true me was there. I was dating Marcus by this point, we’d met at med school, but I knew deep down it wasn’t the real me. We were made to read through reams of paperwork, so we knew what we were signing up for, so we realised we had minimum service terms and such like. I’d always known people like me weren’t welcome in the military but having it written in front of my eyes in black and white was another matter. I can see see the image of the writing on the crisp white paper as if it was yesterday. ‘Any person subject to military law who is guilty of disgraceful conduct of a cruel, indecent or unnatural kind shall, on conviction by court-martial, be liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years.’ I was literally facing being found guilty of a criminal offence, if I so much as let my cover slip, it’s the reason I agreed to marry Marcus, I loved him, just not in the way he deserved, and it was the best protection for me. I’ll never not feel guilty for that, it isn’t what he deserved.

She pauses then, a big sigh coming from her lips, Serena places her hand gently under her chin, makes her look at her. “You did what you had to darling, no one can blame you for that. I know he was hurt when he first realised but I’m sure even Marcus understands deep down. Bernie nods minutely, not convinced totally understands that Marcus probably hate her and that her kids don’t think much better of her.

“I hate myself sometimes for staying, for allowing myself to enjoy being part of an institution that would have criminalised the real me. But I did love it, the army, it quickly became part of who I was. I built a big web of lies that at times even I believed. I rose through the ranks, and I convinced myself that that made it okay, that I’d earned respect despite everything. I lost friends though, a couple of good friends. I still remember as clearly as if it were yesterday the day Officer Cadet Richardson was accused of being homosexual, he’d always spoken about Jamie, but everyone though they were a woman, and of course Richardson, Paul, had never corrected them. You have to realise at this time there were literally teams within the army employed to basically witch hunt any gay people they could, and somehow, they found out, that Jamie was in fact a man. They pulled him out of bed in the middle of the night, read his letters in front of us all, made them seem disgusting by reiterating over and over again that they’d been written by a man. They took him away that night and I never saw him again; we’d been friends since the first day of officer training, and we were a week away from commissioning. That was one of the days I hated myself most for staying, I was Married to Marcus by this point, and I couldn’t afford not to, couldn’t afford for that to be me. But it ate me upside every day that I was willing to be so loyal to an organisation that literally destroyed the lives of people like me brave enough to be their true selves.” Tears are shining in her eyes now, can see the way Paul looked at her as he was dragged away, as if pleading with her to help him, and all she’d done is look away, not wanting to risk looking like she felt sorry for him for risk of outing herself, even with her giant web of lies. She’s quiet for a while now, wonders what the future ended up holding for Paul, if him and Jamie managed to stay together despite everything else.

“How long did it take to change?” Serena asks gently, she’d know the military were behind in their acceptance, but she never realised quite how deep it had run. It stopped being a criminal offence in the army in 1994, scary thought when you think all our children were born by then. But it didn’t become allowed until much later still. Every time there was a new act we were forced to agree to it, it’s one of the few times we could get out of our service outside our usual terms, I remember considering it when the 1995 act was given to me, but by this point I’d got a husband and two children, I’d go far too much to lose, so I was the opposite of brave because it was safer and I knew what to expect.

“Again, I can still see the writing as if it’s right under my face. The act stated amongst other things that ‘homosexuality isn’t compatible with securing the aims of the armed forces, because it undermines the order and discipline necessary for military effectiveness’. It went on to talk about how there was no other job like the military, and well as much I can concur with that that I cannot agree with the reasons they then gave as to why being a homosexual soldier was so wrong. They talked about the close proximity that soldiers live in. That they have no choice but to share same sex living quarters, as if implying the awful stereotype that gay people will want to try and sleep with everyone of the same sex. The worst part of it was the comment about the percentage of under 18s in the army, as if being homosexual made soldiers more likely to try and pray on the younger soldiers, stereotypes that within mainstream society were settling but in the army were being written into legislation that made my true self and the true self of so many others incompatible with jobs we’d literally risked our lives to do, in more ways than one.”

Serena can hear the shame in Bernie’s voice can’t help but put her arm around her and pull her close. Bernie rests her head against her shoulder and continues to speak, Serena knows now she’d opened this very deep seated can of worms that she needs to get it all out.

“I lost a few more friends in the coming years, friends who by every admission of the word are so much braver than I’ll ever be. They were tired of living a lie, wanted to be able to be their true selves, risked losing everything to do so. Something I despite over twenty-five years in the army wasn’t brave enough to do. Alex is notwithstanding in all of this because that was such a closely guarded secret because it was totally not allowed due to our ranks, without taking into the fact I was also married.” Bernie lets the feeling of Serena arm rubbing gently at her side give her the strength to keep speaking, some of the things coming from her lips are things she’s hidden in the depths of her soul for as long as she can remember. They are thoughts and feelings that have plagued her being for year but that she’s never shared with anyone before. She’s got better at sharing her emotions since leaving the army, got better and not hiding behind Great British reserve, especially with Serena. But laying herself so bare is still deeply uncomfortable for her, not because she doesn’t trust Serena but because her mind screams at her that what’s she’s doing and saying is wrong.

“It didn’t change for the better until the millennium, when it was finally allowed. But even then, it wasn’t right. The military has such a deep-rooted hatred of homosexuality that people who were out still faced marginalisation and judgement. They got looked over for promotion and such like. Once again, I could have been brave then, the children were older, but by this point I’d hidden my true self for so long I wasn’t even sure who that was anymore. I of course did what I could, made sure that as an officer of considerable rank that I helped the soldiers who were out and proud as much as possible. I Cut off homophobic comments, ensured soldiers under me got a fair go at promotions, but I still don’t feel like it was enough. Can you imagine how moral boosting it would have been for them people if I’d have been brave enough. What it would have meant to have a highly ranked officer be out and proud. But I couldn’t, I’d got to the point where I hated that part of myself, where I’d have done anything to change it, to really be able to love marcus. I’d have given anything to forget that I looked at woman and saw something innately beautiful.” The tears trickle down her cheeks slowly then, she’s not that woman anymore. Not the woman who hated the fact that she’s gay, she’s out and proud and loves Serena more than life itself. But sometimes the self-hatred she used to have for herself, that comes with years of repressing who you are to the point that you believe it is wrong yourself, is enough to overwhelm her.

She feels Serena thumb gently wiping at her face, knows that she won’t comment on it will just be here to listen for now, until its clear she’s finished.

“I kept that stance for the rest of my career getting promoted through the ranks. I was deployed overseas on multiple occasions include to Iraq and Afghanistan, ended up being promoted to Major, each year things seemed to get slightly better for the soldiers who were out, but I always tried to be the best ally I could even if I still wasn’t out. You know the rest of it from there, my affair with Alex, how it all would have stayed a secret had I not been blown back to reality.”

And Serena does know about that part well, they’ve discussed Alex and the affair in detail. It was clear a few months into their relationship that Serena’s biggest insecurity was that, while she trusted and trusts Bernie that the pain and suffering Edward had put her through, we’re definitely made more present by the knowledge that Bernie had too had an affair. Bernie had opened her heart to Serena, admit in a way that could confuse some that it was like she was a different person. She doesn’t excuse her affair, but she could explain it in some way. That it was like she had two separate personalities the one who was married to Marcus, had two children and would keep their sexuality hidden forever. And this second one who was made to come alive by Alex, that she didn’t do it to hurt Marcus or the kids but because she needed to feel something after so long of hating herself. That in some ways it worked but in others it made her hate herself more as she wasn’t that kind of person.

“You know as well as anyone that if it hadn’t had been for the IED and Alex, that I’d probably still be married to Marcus and still burying that part of me. Though it seems we’ve digressed from the initial point of this conversation.”

Serena’s answer is instantaneous, “But we haven’t though.” Serena says gently, and Bernie’s face is enough for Serena’s thoughts to be confirmed, that she herself needs to step in now and help her girlfriend understand.

“Everything you’ve just told me has led to us being here now.” Serena squeezes Bernie’s hand tightly then because there is no one else she could imagine a future with. “But that doesn’t make it okay, and I don’t mean what you did, I’ve already said you did what you had to. But it doesn’t make it okay that you had to. Does that make sense?” Bernie shakes her head gently, and Serena is so glad their relationship is built upon trust and honestly, that it’s allowing them to have this conversation.

“From what you’ve said to me today, I get why you behaved and acted the way you did for so long. I get why you hid the real you. You were forced so wrongly to do what you did; you made a choice to make your father and grandfather proud, but in doing so you were given no choice but to hide who you truly are. By the time you did have a chance to be honest about any of it, you’d been forced for too long to lie about it that it was too late. The damage had already been done. You’d already been forced to be something and somebody you were never destined to be. You should never have been put in that position and no one who hasn’t been in that position will ever understand what the mental torture of that did to you.”

“But it’s partially my fault, I chose to join, and I chose to stay. I can’t complain not when my colleagues were literally stripped of their medals, tortured and criminalised for it. That I at least got a choice to see it through to the end.”

“But that’s the point I’m making, it should never have been a choice the way it was. You shouldn’t have been made to choose between your true self and making your dad and grandfather proud, in continuing the Wolfe family name. Those two things shouldn’t have been mutually exclusive. The fact you were made to hide yourself to the point we both know you hated yourself is wrong. I think right now in your head you think that this apology for all the historic hurt that has been caused doesn’t include you. That because despite everything you managed to stay in the army to become a renowned front line trauma surgeon and medic. I think you don’t think you deserve this apology. I don’t think that you understand that while your colleagues and friends went through their own traumas with their sexuality being discovered that you went through your own kind of emotional trauma. The constant worry of being found out, either by the army or Marcus or the kids. The fact that you took on board so much of what was said to you that you literally hated yourself for being gay, something that you know as well as I do, you have absolutely no control over tells me that you deserve this apology just as much as anyone else. That you were hurt by the historic ban and far from thinking you aren’t brave you should know just how bloody brave you were, you are, be here where you are right now.”

She’s not sure at which point during Serena’s words the tears come, but come they do and they don’t seem to stop. She is pulled into Serena arms allows the steady beating of Serena’s heartbeat to calm her, to remind her that she did make it thought. That maybe Serena is right and she does have a right to accept the apology for the unacceptable historical chapter of the armed forces that was part of so much of her service. That she isn’t the one who needs to be ashamed, she’s risked her life for her country and that the only thing that was wrong in any of it was the institutionalised hatred she was forced to face every day. That on the contrary she has so much to be proud of, that she won’t ever let anyone make her ashamed again for being the LGBT veteran that she is and always will be.

[adriansnaylor]

jac and fletch having meaningful scenes together for the first time in months

[kimbayskafe]

im having to make jokes or else ill cry

[lonelier-version-of-you]

anyway, wrt the “who killed Reyhan” whodunnit, my bet is that it was Abs, and Holby will go all-out with replicating Jac’s storyline from 13 years ago (where she was accused of stabbing and killing the man who assaulted her, then it turned out it was another, more recent victim who did it) by having Henrik be accused and then it turns out Abs did it.

or possibly - since they seemed to be building up to this - that Reyhan did it himself on purpose because he knew Henrik would get framed. I still think the Abs theory is more likely though.

anyway why did they throw a whodunnit in there and STILL pretend it was a serious issue storyline.

[swithe-ist]

  📣 holby stop making people have petty unrelated drama in the middle of surgery unless you’re deliberately trying to make us hate them

[berenaadvent]

Writers Info - Tagging

Tagging! I am asking  that you please add the following TWO tags to your post! This is to allow for masterposts to be created.

Berena Advent 2018

Berena Advent: [daily prompt] (without the brackets)

If you want to add additional tags go right ahead, but we’re hoping to make it easier to find the fics to reblog this way. If you think we’ve missed reblogging your fic or art (or you’re just excited!) please drop us a link in the submit box and I’ll make sure your fic gets reblogged to the blog!

(please keep in mind that I am working mum, I may be super busy with work, I may have a busy day with my children or your day might be my night, so be sure to give me time to get to all the fics!)