#Honeydew Corporation

[honeydewcorporation]

"Thoughts on women?" Yeah pretty much constantly

[1honeydewtravels]

Corporate Travel Management Company in Pune

You may improve the travel experience for your employees and streamline the firm's travel planning with the help of a Corporate Travel Management Company in Pune . They handle all aspects of the trip, from transportation and lodging to food and entertainment. A travel management company will handle all of these details for you.

[theillusionofpants]

my muppet casting of the US Cabinet

President- Kermit the frog

The wrangler of this fucked up gang. Though he has no hair, he's a compromising leader and the obvious choice.

Vice President- Fozzy Bear

Largely a ceremonial position, Fozzy is popular with the voters and always diffuses tough situations with slapstick comedy. Plus he does wonders and fundraising galas

First Lady- Miss Piggy

Originally I had her a secretary of defense (still a good choice tbh) but I think she'd be down for the glam of the position. She'd take up causes like a Hollywood celeb and her outfits would be Smithsonian worthy

Chief of Staff- Skeeter

Comfortable being behind the scenes and getting shit done, Skeeter would be perfect for the role.

Secretary of State- Gonzo

A bold choice and one that flabbergasted most serious politicians, Gonzo got the job by being so completely weird that he is disarming. For the chief diplomat of the country, he actually accidentally gets more done than people give him credit for

Secretary of Defense- Sam the Eagle

Level headed and without humor. He takes his position seriously and does not jump to conflict without provocation.

Secretary of the Treasury- Rizzo the Rat

Though he is definitely involved in some insider trading, Rizzo was the only muppet with any kind of sense for currency and market trends. He's got corporations in an uproar.

(notable runner up- The Count)

Attorneys General- Waldorf and Statler

They've never lost a case due to their scathing quips and criticism of the defendant.

Secretary of the Interior- Animal

Though press conferences have been suspended indefinitely (there was rumor of thousands of dollars of damage in equipment and bite marks on some members of the press), Animal is a passionate advocate of the parks. He has established 13 new national parks including the MORE PARKS MORE PARKS National Park which he named himself

Secretary of Energy- Crazy Harry

Got his position due to family connections. The energy grid is in shambles after a serious of mysterious explosions in power stations across the country. Investigations are in progress

Secretary of Education- Dr. Bundsen Honeydew

The only muppet with a PhD, Kermit wanted a science background in the position. Science fairs have become mandatory testing in schools. Students have caught on that the biggest mess usually wins first prize

Secretary of Transportation- Sweetums

Usually relegated to positions of service, Sweetums was called upon to run the trains. He has quietly approved high speed rail across the nation. He usually operates the line from Chicago to Los Angeles.

Secretary of Agriculture- Swedish Chef

He showed up one day in the office with three chickens, a moose and some talking produce and refuses to leave. The last press conference he had he was asked about his plans for subsidizing corn. His answer was "oooh de sküshy düshi corn corn flüœr un da grundi ground bork bork" There were no further questions

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development- Oscar the Grouch

No stranger to homelessness, Secretary the Grouch nationalized empty office buildings as low cost public housing. When asked, he said he did it so people would be off the streets and he could be left alone. Major corporations condemned the plan but Oscar remained unperturbed and told them to scram

Secretary of Homeland Security - Grover

Constantly exasperated, he has come to rely heavily upon a masked crusader named Super Grover

US ambassador to the UN- Big Bird

No stranger to travel and with family in many different nations, Big Bird has become an international icon for diffusing tension and having nations become friends.

[xephsuggestions]

THE FOLLOWING IS AN OFFICIAL BROADCAST OF YOGLABS CORP. PRODUCTIONS.

Parasitic infestation.

FAN CONTENT / IN-RP LORE.

Inspired by Forge Lab’s Parasites modpack. (video inspiration x)

Showcasing: Scape and Run: Parasites.

(Tws: Violence, guns and weapons, gore, major character death, general discussion of apocalyptic scenarios, infestations, parasites, and alien/insect-like creatures, as well as unreality. Links to mobs will contain body horror and gore imagery. Other links are references to past characters, quotes, music and other fun bits. Please send a direct message or an anon through the inbox if you need additional tags!)

Playing (Gay_Activity_Richardson.mp3) … (30s).

XEPHOS: Lets see if I can get this thing working.

Xephos is leading a pig to the treadmill of a shell constructor. After some difficulty, it climbs onto the treadmill and begins to run. 

XEPHOS: Dammit- there. There. There you are.

Slowly, Honeydew forms from the white mesh generated by the pig’s movement. The chamber opens. The sounds of steam and machinery shifting fill the break room as Honeydew climbs out. 

XEPHOS: It’s been a while, hasn’t it. We haven’t made one of you for ages. (muttering) Hopefully you aren’t a defect. Ah…?

HONEYDEW: Hello!

XEPHOS: Hello, Honeydew, and welcome… to Yoglabs. How are you doing, then? You feel alright? You feel… ah, stable? Not like your molecules could, you know, rip apart at any second? 

HONEYDEW: I’m good! I'm good, yeah.

Xephos claps his hands together.

XEPHOS: Perfect! Well, I don’t mean to alarm you, Honeydew, but… ah, what are you doing?

HONEYDEW: Is the coffee machine working yet? Has it got any snacks in, as well, or?

XEPHOS: Um- well- Careful, The coffee machine is- (sputtering)- Honeydew, I wouldn’t- Honeydew approaches the coffee machine and presses the ‘dispense’ button on the hopper.

[Spawning (srparasites:rupter)(srparasites:rupter)(srparasites:rupter)]

HONEYDEW: What the fuck! 

XEPHOS: Oh shh-sugar… Hang on! Hang on.

Xephos equips a flamethrower from his inventory and aims it at the Rupters.

HONEYDEW: Oh my god! Oh my god! They’re like, spiders or- what are those things-?! Jesus-!

XEPHOS: Honeydew, get out of the way! 

Xephos shoots his flamethrower at the swarm, incinerating them. 

Xephos unequips the flamethrower.

XEPHOS: Ugh. This is a mess. When has that coffee machine ever worked? 

HONEYDEW: (laughing nervously) I figured it wouldn’t, but I wasn’t expecting Satan’s headlice to come out of it!

XEPHOS: We have a bit of an… infestation. It’s localized to the coffee machine, at the moment. 

HONEYDEW: Well, that’s good, then. It’s fine, as long as nobody actually uses the coffee machine. 

XEPHOS: Right. Except… (sucks in air through teeth) well, there is the rest of the world, that is, infected, as well.

HONEYDEW: Oh. 

The HEROES are silent for 20 seconds.

HONEYDEW: Well, it could be worse. 

XEPHOS: Ahm…

HONEYDEW: No, it really couldn’t, could it? (laughs) Fuck! That’s really bad, actually. That’s quite bad.

XEPHOS: Ah, well- Hold on.

Xephos equips a diamond sword from his inventory and slays the pig that had been running on the treadmill. Grey spirals swirl in the air around it.

HONEYDEW: Jesus. 

XEPHOS: It was infected. 

Xephos turns to Honeydew. He motions for Honeydew to follow him, and walks out into the main corridor. 

XEPHOS: We have it under control at Yoglabs. But it is actually quite the problem, so, we’re… helping!

HONEYDEW: Aren't we the bad guys, though? 

XEPHOS: Uhm… 

HONEYDEW: Isn’t that what you said, before? That Yoglabs was an evil corporation or- something?

XEPHOS: I mean… we are a… little bit evil. But we’ve, ah… 

HONEYDEW: We’ve turned a new leaf, haven’t we? 

XEPHOS: Right, we have!

HONEYDEW: Do we have lawyers at Yoglabs? They must make a bloody fortune. 

XEPHOS: Ha! They would, wouldn’t they? But no, we don’t really need them. We, uhm. We’re- we’re definitely not using any of Yoglabs tech to take Yoglabs off of the map and erase the memories from any government agents looking for us. Uhm. 

HONEYDEW: Uhm. Right. Ah… 

Xephos laughs.

XEPHOS: Anyways, we’re going to be taking a look at more of those parasites today. We might even be able to take the front lines, and-

HONEYDEW: You mean outside?

XEPHOS: I do! Isn’t that exciting? 

HONEYDEW: Oh, please, can we go? I hear that outside air these days is just delicious. 

XEPHOS: Well, it’s not… exactly, great out there. It’s like I said before, it was ravaged by war, and uh, monsters. And now, it’s been taken over by parasites. So, not great. 

HONEYDEW: Oh. 

XEPHOS: There are a lot of new weapons that you’ll get to try today, though. 

HONEYDEW: Alright, I’m in. 

Xephos approaches an empty testing chamber.

XEPHOS: For the love of god, do not touch anything, Honeydew. Not without my authoritization. If any of these got out, and we were unprepared...

HONEYDEW: Oh my god!

The room is full of glass chambers. Each one holds an increasingly large and horrifying creature. Dozens of eyes flicker towards the HEROES, and the room fills with the sounds of hissing and squelching.

XEPHOS: …It would be a bloody disaster. Worse than the teletubbies, even. 

HONEYDEW: I think I’m gonna be sick. 

XEPHOS: Just, take a moment and calm down. If you can’t handle these things now, then you can’t come outside with me. 

Honeydew straightens his back.

HONEYDEW: I’m fine! I’m fine. Just a little… (gag), I had one too many Jaffa Cakes at tea time, that’s all. 

XEPHOS: This is just a very small portion of all of the different creatures we’ve discovered. Unfortunately, we’re not able to contain all of them safely, at the moment. (Sigh) Some of them are just too big, or would be too dangerous to bring in. That’s one of the reasons we’re going to pop outside and take a look ourselves, later. 

So, the infestation works in stages. 

Xephos equips a book from his inventory and hands it to Honeydew. Upon opening it, Honeydew grimaces. The book is dozens of pages long, and each page is full of numbers and statistics relating to the Phases system included in Scape and Run: Parasites. 

Xephos retrieves his own copy and flips through it.

XEPHOS: Different things can happen in each stage, but, basically, depending on how many ‘points’ the parasites in the world can get, the more they’ll sort of, change, upgrade, and multiply, until the world is completely overrun with them. 

As Xephos continues to talk, Honeydew spies a hole in the wall labeled “INCINERATOR: PLEASE DISPOSE OF PARASITICAL ENTITIES AND THEIR WASTE PRODUCTS ONLY.” XEPHOS: In the first stage, the only parasites in the world are these, grub-looking things. 

Honeydew throws the book into the incinerator, then returns to Xephos’ side.

HONEYDEW: Aw, it’s a little babby! Wait- no, this thing is…

XEPHOS: It’s kind of a babby, yeah. It's the first stage. They don’t attack or anything. Really, they just sort of, run away. Here. I’ll let it out. 

Xephos breaks the glass, and the newly spawned Buglin runs into the corner of the room. Xephos equips a crossbow and kills it in a single hit.

XEPHOS: The thing is, you have to kill these things rather quickly? Because they can evolve, you see. And after a while, they’ll turn into-

Xephos walks over to a container with even bigger monsters, all crawling against the glass in a futile attempt to escape.

HONEYDEW: Oh, these are the things that were in the coffee machine!

XEPHOS: Exactly. See, they didn’t start as these buggers. It started as those little grubs, and they got left unchecked, and they started to evolve, like this. These things attack in groups. By the way, did you notice that we’ve both been inflicted with the Call of the Hive effect? 

HONEYDEW: We have? I don’t feel any different. 

XEPHOS: You shouldn’t. You see, when these parasites make contact with any living creature, it gives them this effect. For us, it’s not really a problem, unless we become seriously infected, or die. As for everything else, they’ll end up becoming, sort of, assimilated into the parasitic hivemind. 

HONEYDEW: It’s like that movie with Kurt Russell in… The Thing. 

XEPHOS: Yes, it’s a lot like that, actually.

HONEYDEW: "If It Takes Us Over, Then It Has No More Enemies, Nobody Left To Kill It. And Then It's Won."

XEPHOS: Right. But we won’t let that happen. 

HONEYDEW: Yeah!

XEPHOS: Anyhow, after the Rupter- that thing in the cage- gets about 40 kills, it will continue to evolve. The Manglers are one of many parasites that can actually adapt to sources of damage. 

HONEYDEW: Manglers, is that what they’re called. Not exactly…

XEPHOS: It’s not a nice name, is it?

HONEYDEW: It’s fitting though, jesus. 

The Mangler shrieks. 

Honeydew shudders.

XEPHOS: So, you understand the evolution system and the adaptation system, correct?

HONEYDEW: Yeah, I think so. 

XEPHOS: And you read that book, so, you understand how the phases work? 

HONEYDEW: Um… yeah, I did. But uhm… just to be safe, why don’t you explain it to me again anyways?

XEPHOS: (sigh) Well, it’s quite… complicated. Basically, the more points that the parasites get, they evolve, and the world progresses in Phases. We start at Phase 0, yeah? And it exponentially escalates all the way to Phase 7. By then, the Reinforcement system comes in, and Parasites are able to create their own habitats and biomes using beckons. They just get nastier and stronger and can have special abilities, as well. 

HONEYDEW: And what phase is the world in, currently? 

XEPHOS: Uhm… well, actually, we can use the Bloody Clock to track it. Here, take a look. 

Xephos tosses the bloody clock at Honeydew, and misses. Honeydew scrambles to pick it up.

XEPHOS: Oh, fuck. 

HONEYDEW: It’s fine! It’s fine. Uhm… right, so, it says ‘Phase 0’, that’s good, right?

XEPHOS: That’s very good. 

HONEYDEW: But I thought you said the world was… completely taken over. Shouldn't it at least be a little bit higher?

XEPHOS: Uhm… (nervous laughter) Well, you must’ve broken it, then It must be broken. Because really, we should be at Phase 7 about now. The entire world has just become this, awful, just- awful, parasitic biome. 

HONEYDEW: Oi! You’re the one that dropped it!

XEPHOS: Oh, right. Well… it’s fine. I already knew what phase we were at anyways, so, it’s no big. There’s another thing I wanted to show you, before we get into, you know, the armor and everything. Come with me. 

The HEROES leave the testing room. An armed testificate passes them and walks into the chamber. Squelching and gunshots can be heard. 

HONEYDEW: Is he alright in there?

XEPHOS: Oh, definitely. Don’t worry about it. Anyways, I wanted to show this to you as a sort of… cautionary tale. You see, COTH can spread quite quickly, so you have to be careful, alright? In here. 

The HEROES walk for a long time, passing the Med-bay and entering the cloning bay. 

HONEYDEW: So, how long did it take for the parasites to take over the world? 

XEPHOS: Oh, just a few weeks, really. 

HONEYDEW: A few weeks!? How did I not notice?

XEPHOS: Well you’ve, uhm, been on holiday, remember?

HONEYDEW: Oh, right. 

XEPHOS: Was it nice, there? At the sort of… beach, you were at? 

HONEYDEW: It was, actually. It was quite nice. I had… lots of piña coladas, did some skinny dipping in the ocean…

XEPHOS: Oh. Uhm. 

HONEYDEW: It was quite nice!

XEPHOS: Yeah, those holosuites… quite easy to, get stuck in. 

HONEYDEW: Once you go in, you never want to leave!

XEPHOS: You can live in whatever reality you want. 

HONEYDEW: Yeah!

XEPHOS: Where all of your friends are alive and they like you and you aren’t the head of an evil megacorporation at war with the government. 

HONEYDEW: Uhm… yeah… right. 

XEPHOS: And infinite jaffas. 

HONEYDEW: Okay, I'm back on, infinite jaffas! And lots of holes. 

XEPHOS: Oh, yes, hole-topia. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

HONEYDEW: Ooh, saucy! 

XEPHOS: Al..right, we’re here. 

The HEROES stand above a Secure Containment Cell.

HONEYDEW: Oh my God, is that Lalnable Hector?

XEPHOS: Uhm- well-

HONEYDEW: He’s looking quite worse for wear, nowadays, isn’t he?

XEPHOS: If you would listen to me, you’d know that this isn’t Lalnable Hector. 

HONEYDEW: Oh, really?

XEPHOS: Yeah. Lalnable escaped ages ago. 

HONEYDEW: What!?

XEPHOS: Right. It’s totally under control.

HONEYDEW: Who is it then? Is it Lalna?

XEPHOS: It’s a… clone of him, alright. 

LALNA: Honeydew, you have to get me the hell out of here! 

HONEYDEW: Oh, dear. What happened to him?

LALNA: I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t listen to him, Honeydew! Xephos is- he’s evil, Honeydew! He’s a bloody terrorist! He wants to take over the world!

XEPHOS: He was… unfortunately, infected. Little does he know, he’s more parasite than human, now. 

HONEYDEW: No! Oh my god, Lalna!

XEPHOS: He may try to manipulate you, in order to spread more of the infection. Just stay close to me, would you?

Lalna bangs on the glass.

LALNA: He’s lying, god damn it! Let me out! Let me out!

HONEYDEW: What do we do? 

XEPHOS: Well, luckily, the COTH hasn’t spread to his other clones. So all we need to do is kill him, and then, well, he won’t even remember ever being infected at all. 

LALNA: WHAT!?

XEPHOS: That’s right! We’re going to fix you, Lalna, and take all of those little parasites and traitorous thoughts right out of your brain!

LALNA: But you don’t understand- I’m not infected with anything! I was working at Hole Diggers Inc, and the place got swarmed!

XEPHOS: Right, with parasites-

LALNA: With your army, Xephos! And they took me here and- put me in this box and gave me this awful coffee and-! Honeydew, you have to believe me! 

HONEYDEW: God, this is horrible. Horrible! This is an absolute nightmare!

XEPHOS: I know. I’m sorry you have to see this, Honeydew. It’s quite sad. You know, on the bright side, this should take care of your flux infection too, Lalna! Since we have to replace you with one of the Honeydew Inc. clones. You’re welcome!

HONEYDEW: Can we just get it over with and move on?

XEPHOS: Yep. 

Xephos nods at a nearby guard, who’s armed with a M249 light machine gun.

LALNA: Xephos, I swear, I won’t tell anybody else if you just-

XEPHOS: Too late. Alright, say ‘bye Lalna!’

LALNA: Xephos please!

HONEYDEW: Bye Lal-

Gunshots.

[LividCoffee succumed to the infection]

[spawning (srparasites:sim_adventurer)].

Squelching. More gunshots. Alien shrieking. 

XEPHOS: I told you he was infected. 

HONEYDEW: Oh my God! That was horrible!

XEPHOS: It’s alright, Honeydew. Now that that problem is sorted, let’s go to the armory and suit up. 

(Part ½)

[queenofcandynsoda]

Dystopian Omegaverse AU: Deltas

Deltas

Description: Deltas are the loyal second-in-command to the Alphas and aid in enforcing conformity. 

Position: Second-highest (Delta Plus); Third-highest (Delta Minus)

Color-Code: Green (Standard), Honeydew (Pup), Mint green (In training, girl, Delta Plus), Spring Green (in training, male, Delta Plus), Aquamarine (In training, girl, Delta Minus), Jade (in training, male, Delta Minus), Old Lace White (wedding), Emerald (Married, Delta Plus), Moss Green (Married, Delta Minus), Fern Green (Ceremonies), Paris Green (Elder, female), Viridian (Elder, male)

Traits: They are the tallest, most muscular, competitive, aggressive, and loyal. Their scent is like moss, ember, and steel. Their teeth also resembles a wolf’s teeth, though meant for both offense and defense. Like Alphas, they are able to go into ruts but it comes to an unmated Gamma. It is mandatory to have their suppressants.

Occupations: 

Deltas from Delta-Gamma pairs are known as Delta Plus, or Delta+. They would become lieutenants, second to the Alphas. This allows them to have high-ranking roles in the military.

Male Deltas Plus work as second-in-command for every position whenever there’s an Alpha. These include those in military, government, clergy, corporate, academia, and media.

Female Deltas Plus work as dietitians, managers for energy, environment, and media, propaganda distribution, information technology (IT), pharmacists, public health, and, for Omegas, psychologists and ward managers. They also work as psychotherapists for other ranks, usually Alphas. They take on the role of “Tamers”, meaning that they are responsible for the training, indoctrination, and arrests of Omegas. They also help assign Omegas to their Alphas, monitor their pregnancies, and check on Omega’s well-being. They oversee arranged marriages, education of pups, assist in arrests of Omegas “hidden” as Gammas or Female Betas, and the slave drivers of “Droughters” in slave labor. A portion of them specializes in capturing “untamed” Omegas from the “Drought Lands”.

Deltas from Beta-Delta pairs are known as Delta Minus, or Delta-. They are lower than the Delta Plus but higher than Betas and Gammas. They would get lower military leadership positions, such as colonel, sergeant, commander, and warrant officer.

Male Deltas Minus pairs take the roles of security guards, gatekeepers, police officers, firefighters, and supervisors over Betas and Gammas. When they work for an Alpha, they are personal bodyguards for an Omega and are in charge of house security. They often aid Omegas with Gammas to be “minders”, meaning they guide Omegas around to provide protection and assistance whenever they’re outside. 

Female Deltas Minus work as social workers, obstetricians, gynecologists, midwives, lactation consultants, fertility specialists, neonatologists, pediatricians, governesses for Omega pups, and caseworkers. They oversee religious rituals, indoctrination ceremonies, graduations, baby showers, weddings, and funerals. They also work as “Trainers'' and “Teachers”. It means they are responsible for the education, discipline, indoctrination, and training for the pups’ most formative years.

Housing:

Under an Alpha: They live in a small house outside of the mansion, such as a mobile home. 

Delta Plus: They live in service apartments, apartment hotels, and luxury apartments. After marriage, they are allowed to live in luxury two or three-story houses and split houses. Several of them live in gated communities with their Gamma Plus spouses.

Delta Minus: They live in bungalows, izbas, Cape Cod style, central-passage, and ranch-style houses.

Centers: Female Deltas live in rooms that look like hotel apartments with their Beta Plus/Gamma Plus spouses. They often go to the “Center Lounge”, where they discuss the progress of education, recent news, and planning of lessons or field trips. It resembles a drawing room and Gamma Minus would serve them tea and coffee. Their Beta Plus/Gamma Plus spouses also help them with paperwork.

Population: 20% 

Male-to-female gender ratio: 3.5:2

[nameless-brand]

MagicHermes(lmao): Turn your phone brightness up all the way and press the [BREAD] button there to get your own lil sourdough!

>>Upon pressing the bold word, visible, projected artifacts will begin to manifest from the brightness of the phone/computer screen this is being taken from. The cloud of colorful pixel-flakes will condense in the same eyeblink that they'd form in, piecing themselves together on a molecular scale and taking from the digital, something physical.

>>Hovering on a dark green plate, above the screen/keyboard of the summoning device, is a steaming-hot (fresh-baked when he digitized it so it would be brand new whenever it was summoned) ball of sourdough; this thing is a little pale, as though the crust didn't quite brown right, and the whole thing has a minor blue tint. A dull light seems to pulse from the center of the x-shaped scoring on the top, and it seems to hover itself an inch over the hovering plate.

>>Worst of all, it smells delicious, and comes with a side of soft, salty butter that's practically gold-colored, in a little green cup, hovering in a slowly-rotating orbit around the honeydew-sized bread loaf. Once the bread has fully summoned, one can almost hear the dual-snap of two fingerguns faintly. The plate, which digitizes when set down, says in glowing purple letters on its center, "Don't forget to turn your brightness back down!"

She's soaking in the bathtub with her training clothes on, reevaluating her life decisions, when the mailbox icon on Tunglr blips red. It's from saintworks - Hermes - that person? AI? account? that had been posting a number of things lately on Tunglr that she can't quite understand.

He's always been a person of interest, not simply from his uniqueness, but also from the fact he seems to own and run an inter-galactic company specializing in weapons and body-modification. Obviously not on her world, but she can't help but be fascinated. Business on Earth is already a pain in her heinie - and now upscale that to light-years and spaceships and planets. She'd probably pull out her hair in frustration or just give up and let the people handle their own mega-corporation problem.

Though they haven't officially gotten acquainted - Hermes seemed a bit busy with the whole restructuring of his company as a whole - she has to admit she'd been entertained.

She still has his video queued involving his station's machine gun skewering a spaceship. Accidentally cheered in the Zoom meeting involving the Tesla shareholder monthly meeting at that - luckily no video - and she got away with it because no one in the meeting would believe "Iron Maiden Sato" would do anything like that.

The liking the post for Bread was more out of a whim than anything else - except now the consequences of her actions were now here. Somewhat perturbed, she turned up the brightness on her phone and pressed the [ Bread ] button. What occurred made her scamper back into the bathtub in a panic, only to realize she's not going anywhere with every part of her body telling her to go lie down and die.

And so she had first-hand perspective of the brilliant light show that eventually settled to become a slightly-bluish-tinted yet steaming hot and tasty-looking sourdough bread on a nice plate - a nice pair of slashes in X to match. She pushed the soap and shampoo into the bathtub to accommodate for the plate.

And it's in that moment, her stomach grumbles from the delicious smell being emitted; she hadn't eaten lunch mostly because training with Crow with a full stomach...was unadvisable. She glances over at the slightly-blue bread.

Had that bread simply appeared on her dining table without vetting, she'd immediately just get security on it right away. Scan it for poison, explosives, and radiation. But in this case, it had obviously crossed worlds which means it had to pass through the World Boundary that's still in effect, which restricts certain things from crossing - primarily weapons which poison would've constituted. And well - if it's able to get through the Boundary while being dangerous, she's up excrement creek without a paddle anyway.

Sooooo....

Guiltlessly, she tore a piece of the strangely-tinted bread and used the bread's texture to scrape the butter in a cup onto it.

It was delicious.

[sins-of-the-sea]

The Sin Crew watch ‘Treasure Island’ (1950)!

"So this is the film that inspired the 'pirate accent' modern media tend to associate pirates with. Robert Newton (Long John), however, is literally the only character in the entire film to speak this way. It's quite frankly really distracting."

"Still a very good film, however. It hits the novel's most important story points and keeps certain characters rather than adapting them out, such as Black Dog and Israel Hands. Long John is definitely different from Tarakajima, Muppets, and Planet, but I can see why he is so popular: he's not just charismatic, but really great with children (holding Jim at knifepoint notwithstanding)."

"I forget this is a Disney live-action film from days old--the fort battle was surprisingly violent and intense! Even more than the Pirates of the Caribbean films!"

"Which says a lot about their quality."

"Not to mention-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Josep outright shrieks as he watches Hands throw the knife at Jim's arm, for a while briefly losing his solid form as he burst into fog in surprise.

"Ohhh, Jim!! In a Disney movie?!!? This film pulled no punches!"

".......

"THIS FILM RULES!! No wonder it's a classic! 10/10, will watch again!"

“You’re rating it 10/10 because a kid was unambiguously, graphically, and bloodily hurt onscreen?”

“Like Abena said: the flick pulled no punches! And it was none of that corporate test-audience engineered shit the POTC films fart out. It has actual pacing and gravitas!”

“’Corporate test-audience engineering’? ‘Gravitas’? Ruixiong. You’re starting to sound like Guy.”

“Someone has to be the pop culture nerd on this ship while he’s gone.”

“There’s me. Hi. Hello. Remember me? ‘Nerd’s’ identical twin brother?”

“Okay, neeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrd, what do YOU think?”

“Quite frankly. This has to be the third highly attractive Livesy we’ve come across. What is it about these Treasure Island adaptations that make Livesy as this beautiful or manly man? Wasn’t he supposed to be someone Jim initially thought nothing of at the beginning of the novel? If people remembered Dr. Doppler and Professor Honeydew as the Livesy roles, would they become sexymen there too?”

“Well-”

“Please don’t answer that.”

[jejciu]

Honeydew melon for 19pln...... I stand against corporate greed

[crystallinebliss]

in the many hours-long talks i’ve had by my windowsill, with the view of a corporate candyland, i’ve had a profound thought,

a yearning to be everywhere at once.

i’d like to be in all the old nooks of providence, a dusty attic with yellowed letters and tiny weathered boots and a civil war memento,

underground in the squelching soil with worms and grubs and dead things,

in a car on the freeway, listening to ghost town,

in a kiln during a firing, watching the glaze melt and vitrify,

or my moms closet, putting on shoes and beads.

i’d like to be underwater, on the ocean floor,

laying in a cold desert at night,

or atop an old into-the-wild van in the woods.

i’d like to lay in a tall grass field in my underwear,

feeling nothing but the wind.

i wanna watch those planet earth marsupials drink honeydew, or birds raising babies in a milkweed nest, or aurora borealis from space.

(i know im already everywhere, but consciousness is a weird complicated thing and i’m attempting to explain this particular flavor of existentialism in sensory words, even though it’s beyond both me and miriam webster. it tastes like an impossible banana species that died many centuries ago, or the stomach-knotting idea that we’re not our bodies at all)

[bestonlineshoesblog]

TAKE AN ON-FOOT LOOK AT THE TRAVIS SCOTT X NIKE AIR TRAINER 1 SP "GREY HAZE"

Travis Scott and Nike continue their partnership with a rollout of Air Trainer silhouettes, a hiking-inspired model that aligns with the Houston rapper’s previous footwear and apparel releases inspired by the great outdoors.

Constructed in a blend of corduroy and mesh textiles, the Travis Scott x Nike Air Trainer collaboration features removable shrouds that affix to the shoe’s upper. Other functional details include a zippered pocket at the heel and “CACT.US Corporation” branded forefoot straps.

Look out for the Travis Scott x Nike Air Trainer to release this spring in “Grey Haze,” “Light Smoke Grey/Honeydew/ Particle Grey” and “Coriander/Ashen Slate/ Wheat/ Light Sienna” colorways this spring for $140 USD.

In other footwear news, the Nike Air Kukini returns in leopard print.

[honeydewcorporation]

Some Things I Did Not Realize Until Later In Life

When it is sunny and miserably hot (>65F) outside and someone tells you to "enjoy the beautiful weather," they're not being ironic and genuinely think it is pleasant weather.

The default amount of pain most people are in is literally 0, not figuratively.

Most people feel a compulsory urge to breed with their preferred variety of people. Sex isn't supposed to be some kind of trial you endure to prove you love someone, and it's ok if you don't want any.

Polyamory doesn't have to be [people A-N in a relationship with each other at the same time] it can be (and is much more logistically feasible as [person A in a relationship with every person B-N individually]

If you think something is wrong with your body, follow that hunch as far as it will go. Your body doesn't just hand out warning signs for fun, those serve a purpose. Sometimes your body spamming you with warning signs for no reason is the problem in and of itself, and you should see a neurologist.

The golden rule is usually pretty good, but it can get you in hot water if you're autistic and trying to help someone. (I don't have a fix for this, just try to make sure people know your intentions before you speak to them.)

You don't need a "type"

You don't need a label.

You deserve accommodations for any disability you have, even if "it's minor" and you can live without them.

People tend to want to help each other out. Often you do not need to make it worth someone's time to ask for help, and they would prefer spending time to help you over spending time watching you flounder around without help.

It's ok to stop talking to people you don't vibe with, just be nice about it.

If you know someone who has a condition triggered by someone doing something they can't control such as Misophonia (when certain sounds send them into a panicky rage) triggered by a family member's eating noises: Neither of them are at fault, and it's ok to for either to ask the other to leave.

Equality is great in an ideal world but we live in a horrible bastard world where equity (certain marginalized groups receiving the aid they need before and in larger volume than advantaged groups) makes more sense.

Capitalism will always be at odds with general prosperity.

People give each other gifts because they like them. You should not feel obligated to give someone a thank you gift or feel guilty or indebted in any way. They would not like that.

Visualizing things from other people's perspective if you have low or no empathy is made easier by picturing it's you in their situation. A reminder that the world is complex and all those other people living in it are like you sort of.

Sorry this turned more into life advice! Hope it helps at all!

[1honeydewtravels]

Cab Service in Pune

Cab Services in Pune is rapidly replacing other options as a means of transportation. It is strongly suggested that you use a car rental service to return to your home city or state the following day while on a trip there. A car is essential for access and mobility whether you visit for a few days, weeks, or months.

[buyshoes-online]

Take an On-Foot Look at the Travis Scott x Nike Air Trainer 1 "Wheat"

Joining the early imagery we have already received, we now have an on-foot look at the Travis Scott x Air Trainer 1 “Wheat.” Featuring a mix of “Coriander/Ashen Slate/Wheat/Light Sienna,” the colorway is expected to arrive with “Light Smoke Grey/Honeydew/Particle Grey” and “Dark Smoke Grey/Black/Iron Grey/Off-Noir” options.

The Travis Scott x Nike Air Trainer 1 “Wheat” features tones of brown with a corduroy and mesh construction. Functional details add to the look of the shoe with zippered pockets at the rear and protective removable sheaths. Branding comes in the form of reversed Swooshes, rubberized tongue badges and “CACT.US CORPORATION” branding at the forefoot straps and heels.

Priced at $140 USD, Travis Scott x Nike Air Trainer 1 “Wheat” is expected to release alongside the “Light Smoke Grey/Honeydew/Particle Grey” and “Dark Smoke Grey/Black/Iron Grey/Off-Noir” colorways sometime this spring.

For more footwear news, Jordan Brand has announced that the Off-White™️ x Air Jordan 4 “Bred” is not releasing.

[bergerlanguages]

Swedish Voc List: A2/B1

hamnar - end up

lämnar - leave

(ett) björnbär - blackberry

honungsmelon - honeydew melon

(ett) körsbär - cherry

jordgubbe - strawberry

hallon - raspberry

lyckas - to succeed

kanel - cinnamon

fler - more

kräfta - crayfish

hallon - raspberry

(ett) smör - butter

till - more, to

senap - mustard

(ett) bolag - company, corporation

(ett) fjäll - mountain

(ett) leende - smile

(ett) tecken - sign, indicator

(ett) vemod - melancholy, sadness

abborre - perch

älg - moose, elk

de flesta - most (of)

fast - firm, permanent, fixed, stuck

fastighet - property, real estate

fattas - be missing (short, lacking)

för att - in order to, because

föräldrar - parents

förändras - change, alter

frid - peace

hämtar - to fetch, collect, pick up

hittils - so far

hostar - cough

ilska - anger, rage

inget - no, nothing, not

känsla - sense, emotion, feeling

lämnar - leave

ler mot - smile at

litar - trust, rely

minskar - reduce, decrease

myndighet - authority

nyser - sneeze

på en och samma gång - all at once

på grund av - due to, because of, on account to

smitta - infection

smittar - infect

sorg - sorrow, sadness, grief

sörjer - mourn

svär - swear

svärföräldrar - parents-in-law

tonåring - teenager, teen

tvål - soap

undviker - avoid

uppmärksammar - pay attention to, observe

vågar - dare, risk, have the courage

vara - product

vemodig - melancholic

vilar - rest

vind - wind

visar - show

[zen3to5]

J/H 4-20: Jackie’s Cheese Squeeze

Another partial rewrite...but this one is much more Zen-heavy ;) Basically, every scene dealing with the "secret squirrel" runner has been rewritten with a new runner involving Hyde.

We assume that, in this timeline, 4-19 ("Leo Loves Kitty") is without changes.

FF.Net AO3

***

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   ERIC stands in front of the TV. Before him sit HYDE in his chair and DONNA and FEZ on the couch. He has their full attention.   ERIC: I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! The little guy!   Donna breaks into a huge grin, Fez’s jaw drops, and Hyde folds his arms and scowls.   DONNA: No way!   ERIC: Oh, yeah. She was chompin’ on the cheddar.   DONNA: She was swapping spit with the Swiss?   ERIC: She was gettin’ the Gouda.   FEZ: Ooh, ooh! She was... doing it with the dairy?   ERIC: (beat) Fez, not bad, man!   He chuckles, Fez smiles, and Donna pats Fez on the back.   Eric looks over at Hyde.   HYDE: Hey, Hyde, buddy? You want in?   FEZ: Yes, we have just learned information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. You live for days like this!   HYDE: Guys, this isn’t funny.   DONNA: Yeah, I guess he’s right. I mean, Kelso used to cheat on Jackie, like, all the time. If all she did was kiss this guy, then you could call it Kelso’s just desserts.   ERIC: What, you mean Jackie chewing on the cheesecake?   Donna and Fez snicker as Hyde stands.   HYDE: No, man. Jackie finally gets fed up with Kelso and she starts making out with Captain Curd? What a load of crap!   DONNA: Wow, Hyde, you’re really upset. Now, why would Jackie kissing some random cheese guy bother you so much?   She, Fez, and Eric all grin and look to him. Hyde’s shades don’t quite hide the nervous darting of his eyes.   HYDE: (beat) That’s my student out there, man, my grasshopper! I can’t have her locking lips with losers on the bottom rung of the food service industry!   He looks over his friends, seeing if they buy it; they clearly don’t.   HYDE (cont’d): The honor of the dojo’s on the line here!   They all just keep grinning.   HYDE (cont’d): Ah, get bent!   He stomps off to his room as the others break down laughing.

***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   The gang’s all here, but one. KELSO sits in the lawn chair. Eric, Fez, and Donna all sit on the couch (Eric up on its back) and Hyde sits in his chair.   JACKIE enters through the basement door. Eric looks up at her, grins, and turns to the others.   ERIC: Oh, hey, guys! It’s Kelso’s loyal girlfriend, Jackie!   DONNA & FEZ: (teasing) Hi, Jackie!   They smile up at her. Hyde turns to face the TV, his arms crossed.   JACKIE: (beat) Okay... I’m not here to stay. I just came to get Michael. (to Kelso) Come on.   ERIC: Oh, no, stay. We’re just gonna hang out and fool around. We all know how much you like to... fool around.   He gives her a telling look. Jackie edges away from him and taps Kelso on the shoulder.   JACKIE: Okay, Michael, come on. Let’s go to the Hub.   KELSO: No, I wanna stay here and fool around.   He smiles at the others, who all smile back sans Hyde and Jackie.   ERIC: So, hey, Jackie, how’s it going down at the cheese shop? You must be so tired from... giving it away at the mall.   Jackie glares at Eric, who just looks right back.   HYDE: It sickens me.   All eyes snap to him, though it takes him a moment to realize he spoke aloud and pulled focus.   HYDE: (beat) Corporations using free samples to lure the masses into gorging at the feed bags of their factory farmed dairy. I want no part of it!   He turns in his chair so his back is to the others.   KELSO: I think it’d be fun to be a dairy farmer. I’ve always wondered if those udders on a cow feel like boobs.   Jackie rolls her eyes and slaps Kelso’s arm.   JACKIE: Come on, Michael, let’s go!   ERIC: No, let’s stay! We could play Monopoly. Oh, but that wouldn’t be much fun since we all know that... Jackie cheats.   JACKIE: I do not!   KELSO: Oh, you do cheat. We’ve all caught you.   Jackie squirms on her feet as Eric, Donna, and Fez snicker.   ***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   THE CIRCLE. Kelso is halfway between a grin and a grimace. Elton John’s “Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)” plays on the radio.   KELSO: You guys are never gonna believe this – Jackie cheated on me. WITH THE CHEESE GUY!   Pan to Hyde, just as upset as Kelso. His raised fist trembles as he glares out into space.   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO (cont’d): I know. I was speechless too.   Pan to Fez.   FEZ: Well, thank God all she did was kiss him.   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO: I guess, but... wait. How did you know all she did was kiss him?   Pan to Fez.   FEZ: Kiss? Ah... I didn’t say “kiss.” Don’t make fun of my accent.   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO: That cheese guy’s lucky he’s a little fella, or I’d kick his ass. Just – BOOM! Right in the ass!   Pan to Hyde.   HYDE: Hey, man, you gotta kick his ass. Like on Fantasy Island, if Tattoo took one of Mr. Roarke’s women up to his little tower and put it to her, Roarke would slap that little dude like a drunk southern widow! And then he’d hit him off with some vicious voodoo.   Pan to a laughing Donna.   DONNA: Voodoo on Tattoo. Voodoo... Tattoo... peek-a-boo! Honeydew... kung-fu... goo goo g’joob! (beat) I’m done.   ***   INT. MALL - DAY   Kelso’s on the warpath. He struts through the courtyard with Hyde, Donna, and Fez in tow. They make a beeline for the Cheese Palace, where TODD is taking inventory. Kelso gets right up in his face, with Hyde right beside him and Donna and Fez standing off to one side.   KELSO:  Your ass is mine, cheese puff!   TODD: How did you know my nickname?   KELSO: Wait – your nickname’s “cheese puff?”   Todd nods. Hyde smacks Kelso on the arm.   HYDE: (to Kelso) Stay focused – kick his ass!   KELSO: Yeah, right! Good! Yeah! (to Todd) What do you think you’re doing, kissing my girlfriend, huh? Huh?   TODD: Well, maybe if you paid more attention to that gorgeous creature than your little modeling gig, it wouldn’t have happened.   KELSO: Little? That picture sold hundreds of young men’s briefs all over the greater Kenosha area!   FEZ: It’s true. I bought three pairs. Very supportive!   KELSO: Yeah! (to Todd) So look – I know you’re a little fella, but I can’t let you go around kissing my girlfriend, so you’re gonna have to take a punch.   TODD: I understand.   Hyde circles around to Todd’s left and puts his dukes up as Kelso gives a solid jab to Todd’s gut. Todd, grinning like a madman, looks up at Kelso.   HYDE: (beat) Okay, that didn’t work.   TODD: Well, I guess it’s my turn.   He slowly advances toward Kelso, who backs up along with Hyde.   KELSO: Hey – I didn’t mean to scare you, little guy -   He grabs a serving tray off one of the decorative barrels and holds it up between himself and Todd. With one punch, Todd splits the board in two.   TODD: I’m a black belt.   Kelso and Hyde look to each other, Fez grabs Donna’s arm, and Donna’s jaw drops.   DONNA: I did not see that coming!   ***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT   As Eric promised, he and Jackie wait for Kelso, but they have company. While Eric paces the room, Fez sits in the lawn chair, and Donna and Hyde sit on either side of Jackie on the couch. Hyde has a busted lip.   JACKIE: And I’ve just had such a hard time lately that I guess I was open to any sign of affection.   DONNA: Well, that’s understandable. It’s just too bad it had to happen with your boss. (to Hyde) Right, Hyde?   Donna grins, and Jackie looks to Hyde. He looks straight ahead, his arms crossed.   HYDE: (to Jackie) You stay away from that cheese guy. Corporate stooge and kung-fu fighter? That combination shouldn’t be allowed to exist.   Kelso comes running down the stairs. Jackie stands and crosses to meet him.   KELSO: All right, look. Jackie, here’s the deal: you cheated on me.   JACKIE: You used to cheat on me all the time.   KELSO: Yeah? Well... yeah.   As he considers that, Jackie crosses, sits on the deep freeze.   KELSO (cont’d): (following Jackie) But you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.   Jackie shakes her head.   JACKIE: I didn’t cheat out of hate, Michael. I cheated because, lately, you’ve been acting like I don’t exist.   KELSO: Well, I sure know you exist now that you’ve frenched the whole mall!   Fez “oohs;” Hyde cuts him off with a look.   KELSO (cont’d): Look, I know that I need to pay more attention to you, and I want to forgive you, but I have all this anger built up inside of me and nowhere to put it.   Jackie considers that for a moment, smiles.   JACKIE: Eric knew about the kiss all along and didn’t tell you.   Kelso turns and glowers at Eric.   KELSO: (to Eric) You knew?   ERIC: Jackie!   JACKIE: What’d you expect?   KELSO: (beat) You’re a dead man, Forman.   He charges. Eric makes it to the basement door and up the stairs, and Kelso follows in pursuit.   Jackie hops off the deep freeze. Hyde stands and crosses to her.   HYDE: Look, Jackie - I get where you’re coming from, feeling the brush-off and all, but you gotta find better ways to deal with it.   JACKIE: I know.   FEZ: Or maybe you just need a better fellow to kiss. Now, who could Hyde have in mind for that?   He and Donna each give Hyde a smug grin. A confused Jackie looks to him to explain their behavior, but Hyde shakes his head.   HYDE: If you’re having a problem with Kelso, then you’ve gotta go straight to Kelso.   JACKIE: What, you mean, talk to him? Steven, I just did that.   HYDE: (nods) That’s one option.   The basement door flies open. Eric comes tearing through the basement.   ERIC: I doubled back, but he’s still behind me!   He races up the stairs just as Kelso comes back in through the basement door. He starts after Eric, but Hyde sticks his foot out, and Kelso goes crashing into the dryer.   From the floor, Kelso lets out a low moan.   KELSO: That’s both my eyes!   Hyde grins, nods toward Kelso’s body on the ground.   HYDE: (to Jackie) That’s another.   Jackie tries and fails to choke down a laugh.   FADE TO BLACK

[coll2mitts]

#67 Muppets Most Wanted (2014)

"We're sorry, Kermit.  We're sorry we didn't notice you were missing.  We're sorry we didn't tell you often enough how much you mean to all of us.  We're sorry we ever took you for granted.  But, that’s never going to happen again...  Kermit, we convinced ourselves that evil frog was you because he gave us what we thought we wanted.  When what we really wanted... What we really needed... Was you, Kermit.  The actual, real you."

After The Muppets, I was fully prepared to eat my own shoes instead of watch this movie. My only motivation was the light at the end of the tunnel.  Much like the Genie at the end of Aladdin, I would have fulfilled my end of the bargain and finally be freed from having to watch any more Muppet movies ever again.  But something unlikely happened... They began The Muppets Most Wanted admitting their fans at the end of The Muppets were paid extras.  They were transparent about a sequel being a not-as-good cash grab.  The opening number was referential to the original sequel, The Great Muppet Caper, but the lyrics were self-aware, self-deprecating and peak Muppet.

I’ll even go on record as liking this movie a great deal.  I was able to forgive the product placement, the obligatory Disney references, the pop songs, and the 7000 cameos because this movie felt like... an apology?  Like they had watched the last movie and realized it was hollow, and the spirit of Kermit was steamrolled by their desperation to emotionally connect to the audience.  

True to Muppet fashion, their opening number states the stakes of the movie, Ricky Gervais (...ugh) approaches The Muppets with the idea of managing them during a World Tour.  Kermit, being a level-headed frog, is hesitant to sign with someone named Dominic Badguy, and doesn’t want to rush into something new without establishing a proper show beforehand.  Striking while the iron is hot with your new IP is not enough of a reason to rush out a project.

Kermit is eventually persuaded to hire Dominic, but books a series of smaller venues to ease them into the swing of things.

“Looks like they put the reviews up early!” “Yeah, or is that the suggestion box?”

The Muppets are disappointed by this, and are easily swayed by Dominic to bet big and rent extremely large venues under the assumption they will sell out their shows and make the money back.  Kermit is against this at first (voting for “just giving up” instead of “believing in themselves”), but he goes along with the group because he was outnumbered.  The content of the show is also a point of contention, as Kermit suggests they play to their strengths, because if the show isn’t successful, they might not have jobs after the tour.  This concern is also brushed off, as Dominic tells Gonzo sure, bulls running around the stage sounds like a great idea, the magnetic bomb-attractor vest will be a useful invention, and Miss Piggy should be singing 4 or 5 Celine Dion classics a night. 

While Kermit is disappointed, Dominic tells him to take a walk in East Berlin to clear his mind.  We then find out this is a setup to kidnap Kermit and send him to a Siberian Gulag so Dominic and the The Most Dangerous Frog in the World can schedule The Muppets to perform in venues directly next to museums that hold clues and trinkets that will assist them in stealing the Crown Jewels.

Much like The Great Muppet Caper, this movie revolves around case of mistaken identity between bad frog Constantine and good frog Kermit, with their only differentiating feature being a mole on Constantine’s face.  After Kermit is kidnapped, Constantine assumes his identity, and although Constantine has a Russian accent and speaks in Muppet one-liners, he’s covered his mole in green grease paint, so the cast has no idea anything is amiss.  

As artifacts go missing, Sam Eagle from the CIA and Jean Pierre Napoleon from Interpol are on the case!  They dislike each other at first, as everything Sam  Eagle does is comically overstated and American, while everything Jean Pierre does is comically understated and European.  They gradually come to respect each other, connect the dots, and determine The Muppets... are too stupid to perform a series of heists.

Meanwhile, Kermit is having a hard time acclimating to prison life.  Nadja, the prison warden, played Tina Fey (with a really terrible accent, which I can’t tell is supposed to be terrible as a gag, or it just is?) thwarts all his attempts to escape.  Kermit grows to accept he is stuck in the Gulag and his friends are not going to come and rescue him.  To distract him, Nadja puts him in charge of the annual lighthearted Gulag Review, and Kermit’s practice with wrangling the Muppets make him perfect for the job of wrangling hardened criminals, like The Prison King (Jemaine Clement), Big Papa (Ray Liotta) and Danny Trejo (Danny Trejo).

Walter is suspicious something strange is going on with their tour, because he seems to be the only Muppet with critical thinking skills.  He shadows Dominic and finds him bribing Robert Crawley to post good reviews of “The Muppet Show” and pay people to put butts in seats.  When Walter informs Fozzie, he laments they didn’t think of doing that before, but when Walter suggests that Constantine may have replaced Kermit...

They strike out to find Kermit so he can restore order to this entire debacle, but he’s now neck deep in Gulag Review rehearsals.  Even when his friends show up and convince him he needs to leave, Nadja is hesitant to let him go because she’s formed a mild attachment to him.

They stage a breakout during one of the Gulag Review musical numbers, which just happens to be about working in a coal mine, equip with pick axes that dig everyone out of the prison and to safety.

While they were gone, Miss Piggy begins to suspect something is off with “Kermit”, especially since he seemed OK with Fozzie and Walter leaving the show.  In an attempt to pacify her, “Kermit” escalates his affection toward her until it, of course, all culminates in a wedding between Bad Frog and Miss Piggy, even though the last time the Real Kermit spoke with her, they got in a massive fight about her obsession with planning a wedding when he hadn’t even proposed yet.  "Kermit” also books The Tower of London as the wedding venue, so Dominic can use the artifacts they’ve stolen to steal the Crown Jewels while everyone else is distracted.

The wedding does not go as planned, though, as Good Frog Kermit shows up and prevents Miss Piggy from marrying the wrong guy.  Upon being found out, Constantine decides to drop one more Muppet one-liner before blowing the place to smithereens.  Much like Chekhov’s gun, Professor Honeydew’s magnetic bomb-attractor vest aids the Muppets in discovering that Miss Piggy’s engagement ring IS the bomb, and Beaker, who is wearing the vest, is launched out the window, saving The Muppets and all their wedding guests.

Dominic and Constantine try to get away in a helicopter, but Piggy kicks the shit out of Constantine, because again, Piggy’s violence solves every problem in the Muppet universe.  With the bad guys captured, the Muppets apologize to Kermit for ignoring his concerns about the tour, and not noticing he was gone.  The decide to continue the tour, but first, they will play the Siberian Gulag as a favor to Nadja.

And the big climax at the end... fireworks.  In the shape of the Muppets.

The original songs are excellent again, because Bret McKenzie is excellent.  They do have a few non-original songs, but they aid the plot this time instead of just being included for whatever fucking reason (with one notable exception, as there is no excuse for “Moves like Jagger”).  The Gulag review auditions used these the best, because seeing a prison full of men sing “End of the Road” is fairly comical, and is only topped by the entire reenactment of A Chorus Line’s “I Hope I Get It”, including a costume change that involves “Gulag” crop-tops.

The best hybrid of pop references and original jams is “Something So Right”, which actually made me cry, until Celine Dion appeared and hammed it up.  Her diva energy in this movie was just perfect - I loved seeing her and Miss Piggy belt out a song while Rowlf was playing a grand piano.

Speaking of cameos, I feel like they service the movie a lot better than The Muppets.  Everyone outside of the celebrity guests on the tour were playing some sort of part, instead of just showing up and answering a phone and talking about how famous they are.  Josh Groban sang from inside a metal box several times, and you only see his face for maybe 2 seconds at the end of the movie, which make it clear he just wanted to be involved.  Seeing Ray Liotta and Danny Trejo singing and dancing so earnestly made me roll my eyes again at the thought of Sarah Silverman handing Amy Adams a menu and Selena Gomez telling Kermit doesn’t even know who the Muppets are.

The guests on stage were utilized well, with Christoph Waltz dancing the waltz in Berlin, Saoirse Ronan dancing a ballet in Dublin, and Salma Hayek, who is famously Mexican, getting run over by bulls in Madrid.  At least the Macarena is from Spain... lord help them.  

The Muppet spirit of Muppets Most Wanted is so drastically different than The Muppets to me, and I’m trying to pinpoint why that is.  Perhaps it was shifting the focus to the Muppets themselves in the story instead of attention being pulled to Walter and his brother and his brother’s girlfriend’s story arc.  Or maybe it was because the plot of this movie was referential to the previous Muppet movies, instead of reusing sections of the plot of the older movies to fill out the runtime.  Or maybe it was because this movie was fun, instead of the miserable time everyone in The Muppets was having, crushed under the weight of their potential failure.  Or maybe it was because they didn’t end this movie hoisting the Walt Disney puppet over their shoulders while an entire street of people cheer on their new corporate overlord.  Whatever it is, this movie is leaps and bounds better than the other.

This concludes Muppet Week!  I have consumed more Muppet content in the last few months than I have in my entire life.  The Muppets are cherished for a reason, with their ability to ride the line between comedy and emotional sincerity.  Their film catalog has increasingly skewed more family-friendly as time has gone on, and they certainly have leaned more toward comedy instead of Gonzo quietly singing about dreams on the side of the road.  I haven’t watched either reboot television show yet, and I need a break from Muppet content for a while, so I’ll hold off on my opinions there.   But, I love The Muppets, and I hope Disney continues to honor Jim Henson’s legacy with their work.

And with that, I’ll leave you with Kermit and Dolly Parton singing “Everyday People” on The Dolly Show, because I so badly wanted to include this somewhere and didn’t have the opportunity.