#Humans are space orcs

[gehenna-checklist]

I like to imagine a scenario where humanity just never developed energy guns and has stuck to kinetic weaponry forever and at some point some alien species thinks about messing with the wrong apex predator species.

Alien 1: "Captain, I assure you, our ships can't be breached by anything weaker than a concentrated proton beam. They barely have lasers. We'll be fine."

Alien 2: "Sub relativistic projectile incom-" gets hit by a railgun shell at mach fuck

[cipheramnesia]

I can't find the original post, but one of the Humans Are Space Orcs posts was about how maybe it would be absolutely unhinged that the average human can just approximately judge mass and velocity and distance with eyes and muscles, and throw objects with moderate to high accuracy. Like, no planning, binocular vision only, no triangulation, just toss stuff. They go apeshit over human sports, because that's like if a worm wrote a novel or something, practically a bloodsport.

On the flip side, the fact that most humans can't in any way explain explain mathematically what's happening in a game of catch is infuriating. "What do you mean you just kinda figure it? But it's not a guess?"

The practical result is that it turns out that humans can do the same thing with interstellar travel and skip a starship across the universe without any math, although you want to make sure you don't build anything to close to the approximate landing site.

[sugarcoatednightshade]

Humans are Space Orcs story where humans are known for our storytelling and acting abilities. While these talents are somewhat respected, there’s a major stigma against humans because we’re also the best liars.

“Humans don’t actually feel anything at all, they just mimic emotions to trick others into believing them”

“Never trust a human. They lie like the rest of us breath”

“Humans spend so much of their lives acting, it’s impossible to tell when they’re being truthful”

“In human culture, great respect is awarded to ‘actors’ who are able to mimic other persons and emotions with startling accuracy”

“Some ‘actors’ are able to ‘perform’ hundreds of unique characters”

“Acting is so ubiquitous in the human culture that many consider it polite to lie”

“Sarcasm is a common, casual game played between humans, where one human says something untrue and the other human must guess what truth they are thinking. Humans unable to perform this ritual are often ostracized by their peers”

“If you see a human crying, do not immediately assume they are hurt. Humans have been known to use their ‘acting’ abilities to trick unsuspecting travelers into giving up an unreasonable number of belongings”

“All interstellar travelers are required to read up on popular ‘scams’ or ‘cons’ performed by humans in the region they are traveling to”

[two-tonexiptr]

My human from the pit

You know the "my cat from hell" tv series where the cat whisperer helps all of these "bad/menace/evil" cats and discovers that like 80% of the time they are lacking privacy or enrichment? I love imagining any form of AU or situation where this happens with humans on cybertron, just humans being feral and big robots being sad and then working it out:

--- Human: *keeps running in circles, climbing things they shouldn't climb, repeatedly pushing their body off the ground and back on it?!, jumping in containers of water and flailing about, ect* Cybertronian (Distraught): "I just dont know whats wrong, please tell me they dont have a brain tumor!!!" Another cybertonian, the human whisperer: "See, humans were persistence hunters, meaning they require a certain amount of exercise: not only for entertainment but to stay in shape. I think your homework will be to give them some way of releasing that energy in a safe way " Cut to the human the next week with a comically large exercise room the size of an actual gym with swings, an olympic ropes course, a pool, a rock climbing wall, a vaulting pole, and weights. The person is having a fricking blast The next clip is the cybertonian looking to the camera with the (exhausted, sweaty, but very happy) human slumped in their servos "Thank you human whisperer, me and the human have been on way better terms ever since we took your advice!" --- (In tv dramatic voice) Next time on... my human from the pit Cybertronian: "I dont know why, they keep on finding sharp objects to attack me, squirming, throwing things at me! its like they are possessed!!" Then it shows a clip of the human, yelling profanities, and throwing anything it can lift near it at the cybertronian as they try to pick it up (Its revealed the cybertronian was holding them wrong and moving them too abruptly, the human whisperer teaches them how to move slower and to hold their palm out flat: to which the human just casualy plops themself down)

[this post isnt only for transformers!! i need more reality tv headcanons!!! send them my way if you wish using the #my human from the pit tag! aka my last tag on this post im CONTENT STARVED]

[kirabug-tumbles]

It’s notable that most prey animals here on earth can and will kill (and sometimes eat) something smaller than them. Biting flies flicked off with a tail. A small or injured mouse for the calcium in its bones. Sometimes carrion.

Nothing freaks out most North Americans more than the site of a white tail deer with blood on its mouth because most of us either don’t know or try not to think about Bambi also being partially carnivorous.

I love the OP’s story writing! It’s clear and has great visuals. I do think killing a fly would be seen as normal (although the actual method might raise eyebrows.) It’s the first time the OP takes down something non-sentient the size of a wolf because there’s been no meat on the ship for weeks that I think they’d start to get concerned.

Saw someone say that most intelligent alien life forms are likely prey animals, so I wanted to add something after falling down the humans are space orcs rabbit hole for the millionth time.

Humans are predators right? But in our day to day lives we don’t really act like predators very often. Very few of us actually have an experience with hunting, with one exception; bugs. Especially flies or mosquitoes.

Imagine you board a ship and all of your crew mates are life forms from other planets, all of them just so happen to be prey. You’re an engineer and general aren’t seen as very threatening. You’re the first human the crews ever had on board so they have no reason to think you would be. That is until somehow a fly gets onto your ship.

It’s meal time and this fly just will not stop bothering you. No one else seems to be doing anything so you decide to be the one to kill it. You go dead still and track it with your eyes, watching to see where it lands. Once it does you move slowly until your hand is directly above it, holding your breath before slamming your hand down. Finally the pesky bug is gone and you can go back to eating. To you it’s no big deal. I mean it’s just killing one bug right? But when you look up after rubbing the dead fly off the table with your shirt, everyone’s staring at you with a look of shock, horror, or fear.

After a minute or two everyone seems to unfreeze and go back to what they were doing, still nervously glancing over their shoulders at you every minute or so.

After that your crew mates seem to always be slightly on edge around you. Listening to you more often than before, and letting you lead in situations where violence might need to be resorted too. While it’s not technically your job on explorations, you in no way mind being able to protect your crew.

Plz tell me how to tag this is my first time posting something I actually spent time thinking about.

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work:

Spanish speaking customer: *comes up to the counter asking for front brake pads and sparks plugs*

Me, in English: Yeah, no problem! Ano? Marca? *get his car year, make and model plugged in, go find his parts, bring them to him*

Spanish speaking customer: *as he inspects the parts, starts in on some story about his mechanic and the brakes that involves a bit more cussing than most guys usually use*

Me, having to waive him off: Sir, um, no comprende? Un momentito por favor. *pulls up google translate, types out “the only Spanish I speak is car parts and the bad words”*

Spanish speaking customer:*straight up cackles, pats me on the back, pays, and leaves*

Bilingual customer: *steps up to the counter, sees my google translate still up on the screen, also cackles* Oh, nice! That’s adorable!

[captain-ultimat-doggo]

Humans entering space and realizing we are so small. We are mice compared to these giant races with their advanced machinery and technologies and experiences beyond us- except that we're humans. And our engineers dive into the new tech and once we learn the principles we also soon realize how Inefficient everything is. Their "microchips" are the size of cars, their storage drives are basically buildings, and they somehow store less data than ours. So, human companies take advantage, and tech starts rolling out. Massive and there's a lot of wasted space so that it can be managed with larger hands/pincers/claws/tentacles, but also so much more efficient than anything the galaxy has seen before.

Human technicians start hopping ships and upkeeping the general maintenance, the stuff that most aliens put off or don't notice because they never access the crevices of their ships. As human companies become more popular and lead the tech world in everything from warp cores to game stations ("it's so compact! How are the graphics so good?" Says a 60' tall grimbleback, holding a new VR headset that has all of its components included because it's so BIG by our tech standards), soon many things have accessibility ports for humans to be able to use as well. This means that these shiprats hoping ship to ship cause such a huge improvement in everything running smoothly, and there's a huge downtick in pests on ships because those "pests" are not only big enough and aggressive enough to bite a pitbull or a person in half, they're invasive to so many planets and humans hate nothing more than dog killing planet overrunning monsters.

All the while, from the Aliens perspective, humans are an elusive race that don't fraternize much with them. You almost never see a human as most places aren't exactly safe for the little things to run around in. They do export so much stuff though, and the custodial staff at the Central Galactic Outpost insists that there's more humans around than any other race if you just know where to look.

And sure it's somewhat known that some of the little daredevils hop ships and help out in exchange for room and board, usually without permission, but that can't be that common, can it?

Maybe your ship is running better this cycle ever since you stopped at the last station, that just means that tuneup was better than you thought. And maybe for some reason that program you were working on last night is finished when you wake up, but you're so tired maybe you finished it before you passed out. Somehow that faulty light in the galley has fixed itself as well, which is odd, but maybe the Engineer finally got to it. You'd know if there was someone else on your ship.

Right?

... You leave a little bowl of berries out as a thank you, just in case. You're not sure what humans like but you've heard they have a sweet tooth.

[thecalloffantasy]

Probably 😂

Imagine a human from Australia trying to explain why they ran toward a beast twice their size like it was a minor inconvenience—

“Magpies dive-bomb you, some species of spiders eat birds, snakes show up in your toilets, and kangaroos will square up like drunk uncles at Christmas.”

A native beast twice your size attacks during a planetary expedition. You expect the human to flee. Instead, they scream, run toward it, and punch it in the throat.

It flees.

[stubz]

"MAAAX???" aggressively whispered the human from across the centre.

"Yes Kim?" the male said as nonchalantly as he could so as to not draw attention.

"Meltdown coming."

"Where." he scanned the centre looking for the signs/large groups.

"Carpet. Magnets. Ataktos." his eyes narrowed at the name. The little mischievous fyreian. The youngling was arguing with the others, looks like he knocked their base...and it looks like they're about to return the favor.

"Get the fire blanket just in case while I-"

"HE'S ON FIRE! THEY BROKE HIS TOWER!"

Both humans ran. Kim towards the fire blanket and Max towards the carpet.

"ATAKTOS! KIDS BACK AWAY!!" the human was too far from the carpet. He wouldn't make it in time before the youngling lashed out. Why was the centre so damn big?!

Blue flame began to quickly consume the Fyreian's head and shoulders. Heat ate away at the oxygen in the room making younglings run towards the other side of the centre. The one's in front of Ataktos somewhat trapped as he stood between them and saftey.

The human male tripped and fell over some scattered toys. The human female sprinted towards the carpet but was even further than her companion. Neither adult would make it time.

"I got him teacher!" water drenched Ataktos from head to toe. Steam rose from his once flaming head and shoulders. A fire blanket was then thrown over him and without missing a beat the youngling was swept into a from the back bear hug.

"I got Ata now. You guys can go now. Teacher I got 'im!" the human child nodded tightly hugging the wriggling and screaming fyreian.

"Brooks, Brooks, he's about to heat up again-!" Kim and Max scrambled towards him.

"Glyka, here you go." the 5 year old handed his angry classmate to his friend who hugged Ataktos with a wide smile. The smile grew even wider Ataktos' flames burned through the fire blanket and licked at his face.

"Tickles!" Glyka chirped.

The adults looked on in horror and dawning realization.

"...we forgot that Brooks and Glyka were here."

"And we forgot that Glyka's species is an apex predator that matches majority of other species..." Max tiredly laughed before giving the two children a big smile. "Great job you two. How about we go get something from the treat basket while Miss Kim deals with Ata?"

The children smiled and followed Max while Kim carried Ataktos to the time out corner. After wrapping a more heat resistance blanket around him and dumping another cup of water over the youngling.

"Teacher can I have more water? I dumped my water bottle on Ata."

"Sure thing Brooks...you should ask your parents for a bigger water bottle by the way."

"Cause I keep dumping water on Ata?"

"Yes, cause you keep dumping on Ata...for good reason."

[loonarmuunar]

Humans being the first. Not the strongest or the smartest or the weirdest or the most violent. Just the first.

We called out into the dark over and over. We sent out messages in hopes. We searched every planet we could reach, in hopes of any sign of life. Any at all.

We thought, hoped we were the last, because we couldn’t bear the idea of being the one ones this awake and alive in a world as vast as this.

And we died alone.

When the others are born, many many years later, they find us, everything we left for them.

They recover The Golden Record and look at it a million times over, they dig up our fossils and put us in museums, they study us for years and years, loving us as we love our ancestors’ painted hands on cave walls.

In a lot of their languages, the word they use for us has the same root for “mother”.

[candz13z]

More humans and aliens stuff cuz it has me in a choke hold and people are really into this for some reason

So id imagine aliens would probably have a basic idea of human procreation (sex. im just gonna say sex). What they DONT know is that some humans have kinks. Very violent kinks. Picture this: Human #1 and Human #2 are dating and their relationship is pretty much what the aliens expected. More touchy, more emotionally vunerable, they go on these cute outings called 'dates,' which seems to be their version of courtship?

And one day Human #1 comes out of their shared room and the aliens gawk at the fucking bruises, the absolute mauled up state of their neck and the way they cant even sit down properly at the cafeteria for breakfast.

OBVIOUSLY, the idiots (read: aliens) assume the worst for their lil guy. When they ask about the bruises, Human #1 says that they have bruises the majority of the time, they just ran out of concealer. They panic cuz wtf our teammate was getting hurt and abused for so long? And they didn't know?

The human has to rush in and start talking when Human #2 walk in cuz they were with them last, they're definitely the culprit. Apparently, the aliens learn, some humans find pain arousing and furthermore, even humans that don't, still tend to like 'hickies.'

Which, only makes these fucking gremlins even more confusing. So, humans need to stay out of getting hurt because theyre very delicate creatures (or their biology is. Nothing delicate about these menaces) but CONSENSUAL hurting is ok, but then not really cuz sometimes they may be in an abusive relationship. But then theres this thing called consensual non consent too and- well they stopped listening after that. Understanding these creatues is futile. There will always be something else they do that makes no sense. Might as well save them the sanity while they can. They're still not really over periods.

[injuries-in-dust]

And here we find a rare instance of a Humans Are Space Orcs post from Tiktok that isn't an AI voice reading a reddit post over a minecraft video.

[tomato-enthousiast]

So I've been thinking about this whole "Humans are space Orcs" thing and I believe I've come across something truly horrifying: HUMANS ARE RADIOACTIVE.

That's right ! Like a lot of Earth's biological life, Humans contain the Potassium isotope K-40 (or potassium 40) which emits low levels of Y radiation.

While such low amounts aren't dangerous to us, they might be for alien life.

I give you the following scenario:

The Grand embassy of the Gejoh'ed has been exchanging with the Human Cabinet of extraterrestrial affairs. Apart from their odd habit of shoving stuff into concentration camps and then eating its dead flesh, humans seem perfectly pleasant.

The Gejoh'ed invite the human embassadors onto their home world. The second the astronauts step off their ship for the official meet and greet, the entire Gejoh'ed assembly starts melting. They scream in pain as their flesh boils within their exoskeleton and their fifteen eyes pop within their sockets.

Humans are thereafter banned from interstellar flights as they are considered to be dangerous explosives.

The proper way to transport humans in a sealed lead container

The use of humans in the context of an armed conflict is a war crime

[archrries]

Humans cracking their knuckles as an intimidation tactic against aliens

Can you imagine being an alien and this thing just broke its bones at you?????

I'd be scared tbh

Why did it make that noise

That's a bone breaking noise

It's like those ppl who bite off their acrylics before a fight

[nekokotatsu]

Human: I don't get this whole "Earth is a death world" thing. Like, obviously it wouldn't seem like one to us, but why is it one to you guys? Are your home planets *that* much more free of disease and predators and stuff?

Alien: Oh, yes. Earth is far more hostile than our home worlds.

Human: Huh. Wonder why.

Alien: I suspect it's due to Earth's high iron content blocking the fae from disposing of such minor threats.

Human: Yeah, I guess that

Human:

Human: what

Tiny fairy in alien's translator headpiece: Shut up, they think we're mythical, it's *hilarious*.

Alien: I mean... Sure is a mystery, huh?