#I AM ON THE VERGE OF SCREAMING
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Me when it's too cold: It's a bit chilly innit
Me when it's a bit hot: AUUUGGHHHH AHKABSIDBJ JANZKSJSLAJAH JAOPQOSBSHU OH GOD PLEASE NO GRGHHHH I THINK I MIGHT BE DYING AAGHAAAA
#I am. not doing Good#why is it so goddamn hot#I can't sleep#I can't do anything#I'm on the verge of tears#I can't take this#anymore I am going to Scream
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My mom getting a new place is kinda making me anxious I think she thinks I’m gonna move in w her instead of my dad 😭 and I’m not sure why I don’t want to. Cuz she’s way better. But I don’t. And I feel responsible I think and plus my sisters will never favor my mom over my dad… so we’d live apart. but I’m 20 years old I can live whatever I want. But. But but but
#idk I really like our house too. it’s great. it’s exactly my style. I would miss it LMAO#but again my mom is just.. she’s so much more organized and she and my stepdad actually get stuff done#and take care of themselves. living w her would be more like we’re roommates and not how it is w my dad#who needs to be taken care of and doted on like a child. my sisters too but I don’t think they’d survive living without me at my dads 💀#or they’d be really pissed at me. at the least#my dads house is constantly horrible so messy so so so bad no free counterspace anywhere can barely walk thru the house and cat vomit#everywhere. unless I take care of all of it. I can’t have company over unless I know a week in advance so I can make it look like a normal#house. and at my moms it’s never like that. it’s messier than average sure but it’s never disgusting like that#people are always telling me not to do anything and let my family learn to clean up after themselves but if I don’t it will just get worse#and worse. they’ll wait weeks before doing anything. it’s embarrassing. and depressing. if I let it go long enough I am miserable every day#after being homeless or on the verge of homelessness for 10 years my dad can’t even appreciate the fantastic house we have 😭#he has to fuck it all up. it’s not 100% his fault bc my sisters do fuck all but he DID teach them to be this way. the only reason I do#anything is because I snapped out of planning to kill myself and realized that I needed to be there for my sisters. so I started being like#their parent more and more. but they still never learned to unload the dishwasher or take out the trash without screaming about it.#I’m just very overwhelmed and nervous about this move. I also feel horrible as if I’m disappointing my mom if I don’t move in. I don’t want#to disappoint her any more than I already have..#she is soooo excited about giving me a room the basement so I can have my bunnies there..
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“Lavinia,” Ursula K. Le Guin
#I devoured this and am still reeling#the only retelling worth existing#ursula k. le guin#knows vergil by heart and loves him dearly and honours him every step of the way#her lavinia knows the ambarvalia song and understands it;#her lavinia does not know venus as the greek goddess of love and lust#but when vergil quotes to her the beginning of the de rerum natura she is swept away because those words put a name to her religious feeling#her lavinia meets vergil when he is on the verge of dying and by virtue of this liminal state he knows it all but only through a veil#and at one point he cannot distinguish between that time he invented the underworld for his aeneas#and that other time he travelled the underworld with a man he met in a deep dark wood and I was SCREAMING#btw I loved it please everybody read it#tagamemnon#lavinia#arma virumque cano#vergil#the aeneid
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they really did this to me huh
#rays spoilers#rays talk#all my screaming about the epilogue on live went to a chat with v so i never really posted about it on here#(i also didn't want to spoil anything)#but MAN#julius referencing his lv10 trust skit#knowing he was at the verge of death since before canon starts#(you can see him clutching the wrist of the catalyzed hand while ludger's being evaluated in an uncomfortable/pain gesture)#elle saying what she does#even though we know victor and ludger being able to be alive at the same time#is the one thing that'd not happen in the canon not even in a million years#and ludger who (as i interpreted it at least but i could be wrong)#is reassuring elle but at the same time worrying that he didn't know about julius' and everyone's suffering#the way he words it reminds me of both victor's entry in the short story (「世界の真実」)#and the bad end summary saying he never knew how much julius went through for him (「ずっと俺のために傷ついていたユリウス」 vs rays' 「兄さんたちの苦しみを……」)#alt milla and victor don't speak but#man everyone in this screenshot fucking dies#how am i going to send any of them back#x2 talk
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#called my mom at 7am out of a desperate need for validation#had a 37 minute long convo that amounted to ‘you should look into therapy’#(in a much nicer and more constructive way it was actually a very good conversation’#and she told me that she’s been in therapy for the last year#and that it did wonders for her mental health#and that she went from being on the verge of divorce#to looking forward to spending her retirement with my dad and expanding her home business to cover health insurance#since my dad is currently unemployed and most likely isn’t getting another job (industry and & age related reasons)#and ofc I’m glad to hear that they’re doing better#but I’m wondering if she got thru everything she needed to in therapy#and if she’s sorry about last winter#when for two days in a row she screamed at me for hours on end#about what a failure I am and how much I’m a drag on the family#how I was responsible for their impending divorce#and she was going to gift my dad divorce papers for Christmas and it would be my fault#how I looked like a clown at my recent graduation#and a bunch of other things#if she’s sorry for how every year since I was 14 she’s screamed at me about how I’m responsible for their being on the rocks#how it’s my fault my siblings will grow up in a broken family and we’ll have to sell the family house of 25 years to pay for the divorce#for when in April 2020 she tried to [redacted] herself in front of me while telling me it was my fault and I’d pushed her that far#all while I whisper-screamed for her to stop bc it was midnight and my siblings weee sleeping in the next room#she has never apologized for any of those and I don’t want to bring it up now#bc I don’t want to relive the past#but I wonder#mother mention cw#negativity cw#divorce cw
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#man. nights are. Hard huh#Uhhh this is. Another vent post HEAVY trigger warnings for this one#honestly I wouldn't bother reading this nothing'll come of it good or bad so#don't worry about me ill be fine in the morning just need to. Scream into the void again#....again serious serious trigger warnings on this I'm too tired to say specifics but I know it'll be fucked so#Anyway#maybe Jade's right maybe I do need to see a therapist#she talked about some medication for anxiety and it's effects and what is like on and off the stuff#And......#........'waking up and going to bed on the verge of tears' vs 'not doing that'#sounds................#............christ. I...#I'm not suicidal I think I'd never actually follow through nor would I bother to self harm#None of that would solve anything for me and I'm too chicken to do it regardless#But.....#......i sure do think the words 'I wanna throw myself off a cliff' kind of a lot#killing myself is sounding less like a vague weird concept and more grounded in reality#hhhh#do I need to talk to someone about this? maybe#am I going to? probably not#is putting this on my public blog where I know there's a very good chance a bunch of people really close to me will see it a cry for help?#............................................................#i dunno#just know my chest hurts all the time and Im always a few seconds away from breaking down in tears at any given moment#and I just kind of want everything to stop#just stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop#wanna turn my brain off and just leave it like that#everything sucks and is hard and getting harder and despite being absolutely surrounded by love and support#I keep having these horrible low points and the high points feel further and further away#....anyway.....this is the last tag it'll let me do so. um. I'm sorry for whoever does read this... hope you're having a decent night
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babe never once would I consider consuming a piece of maxiel media to be a normal experience
sips my wine.....and thats how all yaoi should be
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#oh yeah feeling normal tonight#(i am full of bees and worms and. so much energy that i cant direct myself to actually use)#(im on the verge of screaming pay attention to me. despite the fact i have once again left all my friends hanging. why am i like this)#i wish i was normal#nyxtalks#(song is party by daughter btw. stream stereo mind game)
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I am so tired of the negativity customers are bringing at me and my coworkers. not to, AT us. we don't deserve this shit, stop it, stop acting ugly, stop putting things on us because you lack the emotional maturity to hear the word "no" or don't know how to act right in any scenario. Just. Have some fucking empathy and kindness to the people who are here to serve and NOT be treated like shit?
#i am so on the verge of an emotional breakdown from having to be so strong and 'chill' about ppl screaming and cussing in my face#coming at me when all i wanna do is genuinely help you get the best deal possible!! cuz i get it!!#grocery shopping is hard and stressful and times are even worse!#but like don't fucking come at me when I'm doing what i can do be nice
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having pmdd on top of all the other mental issue alphabet i have is so fun i don’t want to throw myself off a bridge at all
#i am in the planetarium waiting for a school group to show up#and i am on the verge of tears for no fucking reason#(i am being dramatic but i also DO want to scream)
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discovered miah_pie on t*ktok (<- i don’t have one btw i just stumbled upon her bc someone i follow on ig talked abt her) and her videos make me want to cry so bad. 24 year old dependent moment
#purrs#i went to a clothing store today to try to get new work shoes and pants bc the one pair i have of each literally have holes in them and are#falling the fuck apart on my body and it was a HORRIBLE experience largely bc i think everybody in town was out shopping for back to school#so it was super crowded and there were lots of screaming kids and it was extremely stressful + my dad got into a mini car accident while i w#was in the store (he was / is completely fine thankfully but the car is not which is so awesome 😍😍😍😍😍) and i was just so stressed and#overstimulated but also like… nothing fits me bc im so short lol. but anyway it was so horrible i was on the verge of starting to cry in the#store and then i came home empty handed and my mom got super pissed at me for… needing to go to the store / being the reason we were out lol#and then finding miah pie and her videos are all about making trips to the store SO much fun and buying little treats and saying yessir and#OHHHHHH MYYYYY and just finding the joy in smth that can be so stressful and unpleasant… it makes me want to cry happy and sad tears at the#same time like i want that soooo bad and i can’t do it fully yet but i want it. need it. fuck my stupid baka life#anyways im gonna start saying the stuff she says just to make myself feel better even when im not at a store. yessir! OHHHHHH MYYYYYY.#acquired. don’t mind if i diddly dooooo!#also btw i am not a dependent except for the ways i am a dependent. hope that helps 🫶🏻#the problem is really that i don’t have a car or a license and also that my mom throws a fit every time i need / want to get driving#practice bc it’s never a good time so. lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 me doing drivers ed this summer was a fucking joke i forget literally everything i#learned and have only been behind the wheel 3 times and none of them have actually counted bc im just developing basic motor skills#(literally). fmlllll im never getting out of here who am i kidding 🤪#delete later
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just finished good omens 2 and i am UNWELL
#good omens#i am gonna scream#i was watching it with my mom and we were both on the verge of crying#i feel insane#that was sooo#i don't even know what to say#gonna watch it all again very soon
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the nausea that feels like impending doom is back. fuck the nausea that feels like impending doom, all my homies hate the nausea that feels like impending doom
#capri talks#vent#I fucking hate whatever this new sensory experience is that I keep getting I am. going to destroy it#it's not the heart one at least but like I cannot deal with this why is my body fighting me I want to feel not on the verge of throwing up#screams#nausea that brings anxiety and depression and overwhelming despair go the fuck away please 🔪🔪🔪#delete later
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#negativity cw#my parents’ anniversary is next week and they are not getting anything other than a 1 line ‘congrats’ in the whatsapp group chat#no gift no party no surprise trip no nothing#I’m the eldest child and now earning so I’m half certain they’ll side-eye me for not doing anything#idfc#it might seem petty and childish but after the Dec 2022 fights with my mom#where for two days in a row she screamed at me for hours#about how I was responsible for their marriage being on the rocks and verge of divorce#as well as a host of other fucked up things#on top of similar such threats/emotional blackmail every year since I was 13#I am never doing anything again to celebrate their Union#I still get them bday gifts and Father’s Day/Mother’s Day stuff#we still have a good relationship (ik it seems odd but despite everything we do)#but you don’t get to spend a decade blaming me for your adult inability to maintain your adult relationship#and expect me to celebrate it once I’m an adult#also my mom has repeatedly and very candidly refused to apologize for any of the above so this isn’t a case of#silently fuming and childishly refusing to communicate
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The Doctor and River are in love. Did you guys know about this.
#mel screams about The Weird Little Space Show again#instead of writing I'm thinking abstractly about how much they Care™ and how Obvious™ they are in spite of all the Problems™#and am predictably on the verge of crying about it#YOU DON'T /UNDERSTAND/ OKAY#'how are you even doing that i'm not really here' 'you are always here to me' SHUT UP SHUT SHUT UUUUPPPPPPP#'[i'll suffer if i have to kill you] more than every living thing in the universe' 'not one living thing is worth you' MY FUCKING /GOD/#HOW DID ANYONE EXPECT ME TO BE OKAY ABOUT THIS
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why do they make pretty girls have stomach pain
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