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#I ONLY HAVE SO MANY LIVES LEFT TO LOSE
ministarfruit · 2 months
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ayyy purple squad
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dirtytransmasc · 1 month
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the Sully kids' reaction to Jake saying Spider "knew everything" breaks my heart.
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they knew him better than anyone else, better than their parents. they knew his love for Eywa, for Pandora, for The People, for the clan, for their family. they knew he would never tell the RDA anything... not willingly at least.
they knew they were leaving because Spider would be tortured for information, he'd be forced to reveal their home, their plans, their numbers, their weaknesses. their brother would be tortured and they were being forced to leave him behind.
they knew they were being forced to find a new home, without their brother, because their dad knew he would be tortured.
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hackfurs · 20 days
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unfortunately i have become consumed by the urge to make the main romance of one of my stories soooo much more toxic. originally the small one was a power hungry little ball of rage and the big one was a more reasonable moderating force but tbh thats kind of boring and i need them to enable each other in the worst way possible to the detriment of everyone around them. okay bye
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hanzajesthanza · 8 months
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also regis swearing at stygga is so meaningful to me because he swore over milva’s dead body and also in front of angoulême (and assumedly cahir too)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#txt#especially because milva was like… not only his friend but he cared for her medically…#i mean he did for everyone (including cahir and dandelion’s head injuries) but#idk regis seeing her dead when he had saved her life under the bridge and counselled her about pregnancy and abortion#and (i guess it’s headcanon but) when her ribs were broken by the druids and she was healing from that he was there for her#milva was beat up by the narrative but regis was always there with bandages lol#so to see her DEAD completely DEAD with no possibility of healing her#also because *he was off* and he paused for a drink (or two—who knows how many)#of course he’s like ‘fuck this place. i’m going to fuck this shit up’ because how shitty of a surgeon must he feel right now#and if he can’t protect his friends now with medicine well the only other option in his arsenal is Fucking Shit Up#his NOSEDIVE begins early in the halls of stygga castle and he just starts losing it#milva: dies | me: oh… oh they’re *all* gonna die huh…#who knows if regis had returned to the rest of the company and milva was still alive. who knows. maybe he wouldn’t have continued to drink#and maybe he wouldn’t have made that suicidal leap towards vilgefortz in the end#i think that in the loss of the rest of the company regis had nothing left to live for#both from an in-universe POV and from a narrative writing POV#because remember that there were previously written versions in which regis survived and lived#so paying attention to not just when he dies but when he starts to go on this downward trajectory is relevant#because sapkowski intentionally devised a way in which he would die that would be plausible for his character#which means that his death isn’t just random. this version was a specially crafted version to ‘allow’ for his death#i love how AS was like well yeah of course milva and cahir are going to die. but yeah i admit angouleme and regis are just stupid#(to clarify he said angouleme dies stupidly)#but i think saying ‘there were other versions in which the vampire survived’ = this is the version where he is stupid#c: regis#analysis#IN THE TAGS lol#book: lady of the lake
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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bo0zey · 1 year
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Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening
OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.
sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.
i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .
#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol#anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol#i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious;#ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc#then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close.#next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go.#they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state#i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go.#like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away.#yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u#to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds#if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing.#my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left#in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself#22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world#i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too#i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like#i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this#situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it#ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming.#at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy#while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday#like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh.#i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare#and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth???#truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin#when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!!#its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever#mcr#when will mcr return from the war
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screw-u-vaanu · 1 month
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druidgroves · 3 months
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i have a playlist for georgia/nate that's literally just full of lamenting heartbreak songs & putting all i wanted by paramore at the end was like past me hitting current me over the head with a chair
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Hi all!
Touched some grass, maybe touched too much grass, and got wiped out by a headache. The weekly weekday grind is about to begin so I’m going to temper my contributions to the ongoing conversations around and about the dinluke fandom.
That said, I’ve had quite a bit of catching up to do and want to say the following-
While the discourse quickly centered around dark!dinluke and dark!dinluke creators, I agree with Withercrown’s latest and other later posts from others that this group is not solely to blame for what’s been happening to this fandom. The dark!dinluke corner may be the most highly visible one and have contributed much to the toxic stereotypes, tropes, and trends that have dominated much of the fanworks we see nowadays, but they are not the only ones and cannot be solely blamed for every ill that seems to plague and diminish the ship’s fandom. There are many other fanworks that don’t share the same themes and (infamous? improper? nonexistent?) tags as the dark!dinluke corner but feature many of the same problems - racism, racialized xenophobia, homophobia, heterosexism, gendered stereotypes. 
I did my part in centering the debate around them and also on the racism and xenophobia surrounding Din Djarin and Pedro Pascal with my responses to asks, my reblogs, my tags. While I know these conversations needed to be had (and they keep needing to be had, why do we keep needing to have these conversations???), I should’ve done more to highlight the other major problems with the fandom. I also didn’t speak up when discussions and headcanons fetishized and applied heterosexist ideas and tropes onto gay/MLM relationships and characters, and that’s something I need to work on. I’ve complained in private spaces many times my frustrations with characterizations of Luke in particular but never took them public. Seems like it’s time to end that.
It also bears reminding that all of these major problems with the dinluke ship and fandom that had been driving people away and reducing participation in these spaces are not separate. They are not isolated, they are not single issues to be addressed one by one. These are inter-connected and intersectional. Any effort to do better and to make a better community needs to take into account how we should approach Din and Luke as individuals and in a relationship. I do what I can while keeping in mind how Din is perceived because of his actor and I do the same for Luke (and for every other character in Star Wars, really, they all deserve this). 
I’m just a human, I will fuck up (I have fucked up), but I’m always striving to correct myself, learn, and do better - for me, for the people in fandom, and for a ship I very much love.
I have a few asks in my inbox but I want to spend the rest of the night being productive with other things so I’ll address them later in the week. I’m also keeping anon asks off in the meantime for the same reasons. When will anon asks get turned back on? That’s for me to know and for you to find out.
Take care of yourselves. Do what you must for your sake. I’ll see y’all on the flip side.
#dinluke#skydalorian#tbh when I made that post I didn't expect it to blow up or kickstart another weekend of discoursing#I'm glad for it though I think we strayed too far from all the major issues Withercrown had brought up in his original post#but here's the thing - Withercrown was simply the straw that broke my camel's back#my poor camel had to bear the weight of all of my frustrations and anger toward not just dark!dinluke but other dinluke fans#I'm the poor fool who sat on that back with my silence and my fears about fandom and then that straw came down on my head#on a personal note - I hated gendered stereotypes and tropes all my life and my discomfort has led to me questioning myself#(one could argue that vico ortiz and OFMD's jim jimenez led me to seriously asking myself if I wasn't as cis as I thought I was)#that discomfort has also made me hyperaware of characters being assigned these traits and roles based on racialized and heterosexist ideas#it was never just the racism or xenophobia but also how the racism and xenophobia played into characterizing din and luke a certain way#the thing about intersectionality (besides it being really about frameworks of power and legal systems in the US) is that it is hard#it is hard work because it asks you to take into account so many facets of identity and inequality and you can lose track or focus#and it is ongoing. it never ends. so long as these systems and structures are in place we have to live and breathe it#it doesn't just go away after a weekend of volleying back and forth about statistics and identity#for me the hurt really began in 2016 with the finnpoe discourse which only worsened with The Last Jedi the next year#these hurts never left and will never leave because fandom doesn't learn doesn't do better#but I'm truly tired of being quiet and of wallowing silently in despair and of losing hope#so if I have to lob fireballs into the dinluke tag and show myself then so be it
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quietwingsinthesky · 1 year
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making mass effect OCs that are such fail loser idiots i love them
#the theme of this little gang i am creating is:#‘failed to live up to everyone’s expectations of them and never made anything of themselves#and they never would have even crossed paths with each other if not for the giant fucking war going on.’#currently we’ve got ‘very very Very old asari who hasn’t spoken to her daughter in years because of a personal disagreement#and came to the citadel to meet her and try to make up for it. only for the Giant Fucking Reaper War to start and her daughter to get calle#into military duty back to Thessia where her mom just left from. barely missing each other. they are never going to see each other again.’#and of course ‘salarian partner of the Very Old Asari’s daughter and source of their dispute because she never approved the marriage.#(doesn’t want to see her daughter go through the same heartbreak she did losing so many short-lived lovers.)#they work at an archive of salarian poetry btw. they aren’t the boss they just work there. as you can imagine poetry isn’t very appreciated#during a Giant Fucking War. or even before the war by most people. they also sold insurance at one point. they’re terrified of dying.#they are scared of being forgotten. none of the poems they write are even that good. they love the artform but they can’t do it well. very#insecure that the reason they chose an asari partner was just so SOMEONE would remember them. as you can imagine. they’re very stressed.’#and also ‘quarian on her pilgrimage who couldn’t get a ship back to the fleet before it went to retake Rannoch. catching bare newsclips of#the fleet always looking for her dads’ liveship so that she knows they’re alive. she’s a botanist. she couldn’t even help if she was there.#but the fact that she’s not. the fact that she kept delaying going home because she had to find The Next Big Discovery on her pilgrimage.#it haunts her. if the fleet goes down taking back Rannoch. what if she’s all that’s left. she wouldn’t be enough. she knows she wouldn’t.’#and two more I’m working on. probably based off that one-off dialogue in the refugee camps between the teenager and the turian. I like them
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My beloved friend who has been with me the longest is suffering from root rot so u can guess that I’ll be spending lots of time in the plant area of hardware stores this weekend
#if I make it to class it’ll be a miracle#bestie is my first and foremost concern#to be fair. i had to cut off a fair bit off the root so I also have to wait for it to scab over#so. i should probably go to class. bc I gotta let it sit and dry for like at least 2 days#but I gotta go find a pot with better drainage (or drill holes but it’s ceramic so that’s scary) go get some fungicide and rooting hormone#literally. this is my longest living plant. i lost my favorite plant last spring and I am not willing to lose another#and it’s an aloe. so. I’m not all that worried#also. this is the plant that many years ago I threw a towel onto my chair accidentally hit the plant it fell on the ground out the pot#and i left it bc I was busy and also incapable of doing tasks due to mental illness#so I expected to get back to it the next day. didn’t. next day? didn’t. a week went by#and then in the middle of the night I’m like oh my god it’s gonna die if I stay like this and don’t fix it#and I repotted it. that’s why the root is so bendy. oh and then like a few months later my mom knocked it over and it was out of its pot#again! this time only for like half a day. and then my roommate knocked it over last year and I had to repot it#i got it a bigger pot after that and filled the bottom with rocks so it wouldn’t tip so easy and it hasn’t fallen over since#so. considering what it’s been through. oh and it’s driven cross country with me 3 times so far#but yeah I’m not terribly worried#soup talks#also my kitchen is covered top to bottom in powdered sugar from pumpkin rolls
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ambrosiadarling · 2 years
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also that post about missing some place you can never return to because it’s changed so much. my mother’s hometown is so unrecognizable to her she can no longer find her way around. my grandfather’s father did not sell his home properly so now it is just a wall with no sign of life. sometimes i cannot understand someone speaking tamil even though i know i can understand it because my brain has trained itself to only understand how my mother speaks and my mother herself is forgetting too.
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thesnacken · 3 months
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"You really live like this? Every harboured hatred, every onze of malice, you see them all clearly as any weapon?"
"Yes. All the time."
"How do you do it? How do you choose kindness every time, anyway?"
. . .
"When a soldier is about to die, do you know what they think of? For most, they think of home. Of what they stood up to protect, and of how they will have let down those they left behind. They feel guilt."
"Yes... I can relate..."
"If they can still feel guilt, they can do better. Maybe, just maybe, if I give them the same chance I got, then they could choose mercy, too."
"The chance you..?"
. . .
. . . . .
. . .
"Oh. Oh, my fellow walking damned. You were given terrible purpose."
"I was. I can only make the best of it and hope it is worth its weight."
. . .
"So be it. Surely I can walk that path, too."
"That may be the most vulnerable thing I've ever hewrd you say."
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inmaki · 3 months
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gojo showing off your back scratches to geto
( cont from this fic! req, visual ) .
contains: sex talk, desc of back scratches, crack, sugu is called daddy once (as a joke.. right..)
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everything was relatively peaceful in suguru's apartment. key word: relatively.
a forgettable yet appreciated sunday afternoon, not a cloud in sight despite the weather forecast predicting downpours of rain. either way, the raven-haired man insouciantly rested across his white couch, reaching the conclusion that today would be a day for self-care, relaxing, and perhaps some meditation.
there was only one thing ruining his peace.
all morning, suguru has been forced to try and ignore the stain a certain someone has left on his couch — a pair of unecessarily expensive yet dirty shoes being the culprit.
despite these attempts, every once in a while his gaze can't help but wander over at the mark — as if it'd poof out of existence if he glared hard enough.
"fuckin' asshole.." he mutters. it was a wonder his relationship with his best friend managed to stay so promising despite all their differences, yet suguru wouldn't have it any other way, even after situations like this.
right when he grumpily turns back to the tv — which was playing some crappy, low budget rom-com — his apartment door is yanked open and suguru swears he nearly jumps out of his seat.
great, was this it? was he about to get robbed, perhaps evicted? and then probably die? forced into the afterlife knowing gojo's shoe-shit was still on his new couch? no that can't—
"i fucked her!"
suguru whips his head towards the apartment door, announcement being disregarded as he nearly groans in agony. speak of the devil.
big blue eyes peak out from under circular sunglasses, one hand already raised in preparation for a dap up while his stupid, big, dirty shoe pushes the door closed behind him. gojo wears a black compression shirt with grey sweats, marching over to his friend with a ginormous grin across his cheeks.
"take your shoes off, now," suguru snaps, nodding to his friend's feet with a frown.
"yeesh... whatever y'say, daddy," the bastard never loses his smile as his hands raise in surrender, kicking them off by the door smoothly. "what's got your panties in a twist?"
geto pinches his nose bridge. "don't call me that," as he continues the scolding, he points to the living room with his free hand. "you got a mystery stain on my couch, satoru. do you know how many youtube videos i watched trying to get this shit off?"
unphased, gojo takes a look at the strangely colored blob against the armrest's leather material and shrugs. "my bad. did you try febreeze?"
"what— no? dude, febreeze is for.." when suguru looks back up to sourly meet his gaze, he could immediately tell the white-haired man was already drifting back into la-la-land, words going in one ear and out the other. "..nevermind. why're you here?"
at the reminder, satoru seemingly brightens, head shooting back up as if he was just told he'd won the lottery.
"oh god, don't make that stupid face—" he pauses. "the fuck are you doing?" suguru might as well say goodbye to his self-care day, because now gojo was stripping in the middle of his living room, shirt thrown haphazardly onto the still-very-much-stained couch.
"just look!" suguru squints as his friend swivels around to face the wall, pushing his bangs away to get a better view of the— oh shit.
it takes the raven-haired man a second to process what he's seeing before shuffling forward, closely examining the achingly red, bulging scratch marks displayed sexily across the latter's back and shoulders. "no way.."
suguru knows the strongest sorcerer well enough to notice how he purposely didn't use reversed cursed technique on these scratches, just so it'd be obvious to anyone that caught a glimpse of what exactly occured. to his further dismay, he can already picture a smug and sweaty gojo walking around their local gym like this, proud simper on his pretty lips as he easily raises a pair of weights in his veiny hands.
a hiss escapes geto's mouth as he runs his finger down a particularly agitated one, knowing exactly how painful they could be after experiencing many hook-ups of his own. even so, satoru only licks his lips, neck craning to the side so he can pride himself in his friend's gobsmacked expression.
"damn, these are deep. you actually hit it?" suguru confirms, raising a celebratory hand.
turning back around, satoru daps him up, a massive smirk now on both their faces. "hell yeah, it was amazing."
it was impossible to predict what gojo would do next after barging through his front door — especially considering how many times he's done so — but this has to be the last thing suguru ever expected.
not that he was complaining — in fact, all of geto's temper and need for relaxation seemingly flew out the window, the feeling of proudness for his best friend overthrowing anything else.
and even if he hated to admit it, the way gojo was so eager to come over and announce his virginity loss to him was more than a little endearing, and dare he say cute.
"that's great, man. congrats." suguru leads him into the kitchen — still shamelessly shirtless — to grab them both a can of beer in celebration. while the white-haired man usually didn't get involved with any form of alcohol, this occasion was most definitely exception-worthy. "you made y/n cum too, right?"
an offended glare is shot his way. "duh, two times."
"huh. surprised you could last."
as suguru pours their drinks into two fragile cups, gojo exhales, not bothered in the slightest by his jab. "dude, same.." he admits dreamily. "she was so fuckin' tight and warm.. and oh— fuck, her moans? heavenly.. 'can't believe i didn't bust after the first minute.."
geto gulps, trying his best to ignore the mental image his brain was producing from his dirty words. you can't blame him — both of you were smoking hot, and he was a simple man.
even now, he could already imagine what you both looked like; panting and moaning, skin-slapping so loud that it echoed through the whole room, how blissed out you'd look as gojo's cock split you in t—
satoru's playful sigh cuts through the tensing air. "who knows sugs, maybe you'll have another kind of stain to worry about next time we're over~"
he's never snapped out of a daydream so quickly. "don't even joke about that."
over the next hour, the two men sat manspread on the stained couch, taking leisure sips while recalling satoru's final moments as a virgin — suguru giving out his secret tips and tricks along the way.
maybe sometime, suguru could offer some.. hands-on learning instead.
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mlist! <- sugu.. how could u think abt ur bestie and his gf like that... tsk tsk tsk (if u enjoyed reblogs/comments r appreciated heheh)
© inmaki on tumblr. all rights reserved. do not cross-post, translate, copy in any way, etc.
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morningmask27 · 5 months
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I want to fucking draw, but I can't overexert my hand right now in case it gets bad again
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thebibliosphere · 1 month
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Whenever I talk about the medical neglect and ableism I've encountered as a victim of the healthcare system, there's always some cockwaffle who feels entitled to come into my inbox and make the argument of "not all doctors" while talking about how "people like them" (because it's always someone in a field of medicine who does this) are doing their best and it's really hard because so many people fake being ill to get on welfare (Yikes), but like, yeah, obviously #not all doctors, because if all doctors were negligent, bullying scum bags, I'd be dead.
But here's the thing: while I truly believe that the majority of doctors are doing their best in a system stacked against them and their patients, their presence does not negate the mass harm caused by the bad ones. And there are far more bad ones than you realize.
Fuck, John Oliver literally did a segment on this last week:
youtube
Yes, the truly bad, malicious doctors are in the minority. Most are just horrifically burned out and fighting a losing battle against a system, killing both them and their patients through a lack of funding and resources and profound overwork.
But the malicious ones do exist, and they will go out of their way to harm patients who don't kowtow to them.
I almost lost my life because when I was in my early twenties, I told a doctor I didn't think she was listening to me, and I disagreed with her assessment of my mental health (she was not a mental health doctor, and I was there for heart palpitations and chronic pain). She retaliated by putting "non-compliant" in my file.
There was also a fun little "doesn't show respect" note too that lives rent-free in my head because I know I wasn't rude. I was polite. I just didn't agree with her, and my refusal to accept her off-handed comment that "you probably have bipolar or BPD" (again, I was there for heart palpitations and chronic pain) meant I was "refusing care."
I wasn't. I just refused to be slapped with a mood/personality disorder when I was there because I kept fucking fainting when I stood up.
(Spoiler alert: it was dysautonomia)
That "non-compliant" marker followed me around for years. It followed me across an ocean and effectively ensured that any doctor I saw was going to treat me like absolute dogshit because no one wants to help Difficult Patients. It wasn't until I was so undeniably ill, literally on the brink of death, that anyone helped me.
I'm alive because of a good doctor. And all the good ones that came after him because of him.
So, I know they exist. You don't have to tell me that.
But I really fucking need you to acknowledge the bad ones and that you're part of a system with a long, long history of abusing minorities and vulnerable people. I need you to acknowledge that because it's the only way we're going to survive this godforsaken nightmare and make things better.
So yeah, #notalldoctors, but if you feel the need to say that because someone talking about being literally left to die by the medical system hurts your feelings, I'm going to have to ask you to take a step back and ask yourself if you're going into medicine for the right reasons.
Namely: do you want to help people, even the "difficult" ones?
Even the ones who might disagree with you?
Even if they're on welfare?
Even if they'll never get "better" in a way that means "cured"?
Just a thought. But hey, what do I know. I'm just someone who experienced hemolytic anemia because doctors kept telling me I was anxious and needed to exercise more 🤷‍♀️.
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