#I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter

[witchdisk]

The things that are taboo and arousing to me are the things taboo to helicopters. I like to be picked up, moved, pressed, bent and folded, held down, made to shudder, made to abandon control.

I think about this, I think about what is taboo to a "tool," and it is to be useless (a tool must perform a function). this is, of course, arousing to me.

maybe I can figure out what I am by looking at what feels forbidden. to be useless, cared for, seen truly, reshaped; what things are not allowed these? is it wise to define myself in opposition to what I want?

[jaspertjunk]

honestly i think what we did to isabel fall is proof that almost no one on the internet, including and especially those that claim to be progressive, have zero fucking reading comprehension and only care whether something checks all of their hyper-santized progressivism boxes

if it does, it's good, and if it doesn't it's evil and the creators and anyone who enjoys it are too and they deserve to be bullied and harassed until they want to kill themselves

because god forbid anyone talk about transness in a somewhat uncomfortable way, right? how dare anyone reclaim a term used to mock them in order to steal the power from it? how dare anyone talk about transness and sex in the same sentence? how fucking dare a trans woman talk about gender in a way that doesn't perfectly line up with your deeply flawed perception of it?

Anyway go read I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter it's good.

[mechanicalmonarchbutterfly]

Isabell Fall walked so I could run (right into a troubling and impossible to fulfil form of dysphoria) and I love her for it

[taangmula]

the part that feels the most horrifying to me about the harrassment campaign against isabel fall is that even on my first read of her story, it felt very clear to me that she's trans, or at least something close enough to be functionally indistinguishable.

the ambivalence in her treatment of the subjects, the fear and questioning- what does it mean to physically reform one's body through pharmaceuticals and surgery? does that make one violent? does that mean that my body is now dependent and in part created by the industrial capitalism, of global supply chains, of the labor coerced and the materials violently extracted from the earth? how many schools are bombed by the same system that makes it possible for me to inject estrogen every week?

and then there's axis, who feels to me so much like a transfem in a straight relationship, wondering if things have to be this way- if he can turn from the violence that is encoded in his gender as a helicopter pilot. it means letting go of this relationship, this way of being. there's nuance and ambivalence and a deep interrogation of gender here, and all people saw was that it made them uncomfortable.

if i'm struggling with these questions- if i wonder if it's even possible to be a woman, or morally okay for me to medically engage with my gender, is that as horrifying and vile to you as you found this story? i'm trans maybe in a way that's repulsive to you, or in a way that you cannot understand or refuse to understand. if you do not know these feelings, these thoughts, these fears, and you hate me for them, or for the way that i articulate them- it's maybe different than flat out transphobia, but it feels more deeply, more personally painful.

it means that you have seen the shape of my fears and desires, and decided that they exist to harm others- that they should not exist at all.

[misomythus]

I don't know if "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter" is actually all that great as a story. It seems kind of unbalanced - the gender studies essay parts are too wordy. Structurally, it has a lot in common with "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas," with narrative interspersed with direct addresses to the reader, but the brevity of the latter is important to how it achieves its effect.

This doesn't ameliorate how abominable the way Isabel Fall was treated is - just the opposite. She clearly had some really good stories in her! To drop something so memorable and so thought-provoking and so imperfect and then disappear - oh my god

[thefiresontheheight]

hmmm y’all better remember that the mech girl posting is FUCKED UP and TRAGIC and EXPLOITATIVE on purpose. Yes the military space corp thingie does give our horny robotfucker girls nerves of fiber optics and boost their adrenaline and lambic systems and allow them to fly five tons of meta materials and titanium like a ballerina but it still make them, makes you, into a killing machine. It’s wielding you against the world. It’s killing you for the bottom line. And the worst part of it is with the chemical dependency on combat cocktails and the psychological dependency on your corp-made AI copilot it will make you LIKE the killing.

In a just world every mech would be shot out of the skies and grass would grow on their rusting corpses.

[pastrytown]

this is so good what the hell

[klug]

I saw something random and it got me thinking about how honestly I don't think people should be required to reveal personal information, esp. information about their mental illnesses, just to be allowed to write about something

[antediluvianapocalypse]

[bungerc0re]

hey you should talk about helicopters < wants to hear

well continuing on the idea of russian helicopters, it's extremely cute that the ka-50 can easily exceed its overspeed limit and the rotors shear off... something something being restrained in a body that yearns to push harder but is too fragile....

[flaskoflethe]

Holy fuck my husband taught himself bookbinding, so now I have softcover hard copies of Helicopter Story T_T

[alder-knight]

Archive.org: "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter" by Isabel Fall

were you aware that the short story that got Isabel Fall bullied all the way off the internet and into fucking inpatient was truly brilliant? I was too grossed out by the twitter shitshow to read it when it came out and thus managed to only read it now. it was a Hugo finalist for a reason. I hope she can find it in herself to write again bc she's got really interesting and creative stuff to say. would recommend it if you haven't read it yet. 7726 words.

[autistichalsin]

In retrospect, four years later, I feel like the Isabel Fall incident was just the biggest ignored cautionary tale modern fandom spaces have ever had. Yes, it wasn't limited to fandom, it was also a professional author/booktok type argument, but it had a lot of crossover.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: a writer, whether fan or pro, publishes a work. If one were to judge a book by its cover, something we are all taught in Kindergarten shouldn't happen but has a way of occurring regardless, one might find that there was something that seemed deeply problematic about this work. Maybe the title or summary alluded to something Wrong happening, or maybe the tags indicated there was problematic kinks or relationships. And that meant the story was Bad. So, a group of people takes to the Twittersphere to inform everyone who will listen why the work, and therefore the author, are Bad. The author, receiving an avalanche of abuse and harassment, deactivates their account, and checks into a mental health facility for monitoring for suicidal ideation. They never return to their writing space, and the harassers get a slap on the wrist (if that- usually they get praise and high-fives all around) and start waiting for their next victim to transgress.

Sounds awful familiar, doesn't it?

Isabel Fall's case, though, was even more extreme for many reasons. See, she made the terrible mistake of using a transphobic meme as the genesis to actually explore issues of gender identity.

More specifically, she used the phrase "I sexually identify as an attack helicopter" to examine how marginalized identities, when they become more accepted, become nothing more than a tool for the military-industrial complex to rebrand itself as a more personable and inclusive atrocity; a chance to pursue praise for bombing brown children while being progressive, because queer people, too, can help blow up brown children now! It also contained an examination of identity and how queerness is intrinsic to a person, etc.

But... well, if harassers ever bothered to read the things they critique, we wouldn't be here, would we? So instead, they called Isabel a transphobic monster for the title alone, even starting a misinformation campaign to claim she was, in fact, a cis male nazi using a fake identity to psyop the queer community.

A few days later, after days of horrific abuse and harassment, Isabel requested that Clarkesworld magazine pull the story. She checked in to a psych ward with suicidal thoughts. That wasn't all, though; the harassment was so bad that she was forced to out herself as trans to defend against the claims.

Only... we know this type of person, the fandom harassers, don't we? You know where this is going. Outing herself did nothing to stop the harassment. No one was willing to read the book, much less examine how her sexuality and gender might have influenced her when writing it.

So some time later, Isabel deleted her social media. She is still alive, but "Isabel Fall" is not- because the harassment was so bad that Isabel detransitioned/closeted herself, too traumatized to continue living her authentic life.

Supposed trans allies were so outraged at a fictional portrayal of transness, written by a trans woman, that they harassed a real life trans woman into detransitioning.

It's heartbreakingly familiar, isn't it? Many of us in fandom communities have been in Isabel's shoes, even if the outcome wasn't so extreme (or in some cases, when it truly was). Most especially, many of us, as marginalized writers speaking from our own experiences in some way, have found that others did not enjoy our framework for examining these things, and hurt us, members of those identities, in defense of "the community" as a nebulous undefined entity.

There's a quote that was posted in a news writeup about the whole saga that was published a year after the fact. The quote is:

The delineation between paranoid and reparative readings originated in 1995, with influential critic Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick. A paranoid reading focuses on what’s wrong or problematic about a work of art. A reparative reading seeks out what might be nourishing or healing in a work of art, even if the work is flawed. Importantly, a reparative reading also tends to consider what might be nourishing or healing in a work of art for someone who isn’t the reader. This kind of nuance gets completely worn away on Twitter, home of paranoid readings. “[You might tweet], ‘Well, they didn’t discuss X, Y, or Z, so that’s bad!’ Or, ‘They didn’t’ — in this case — ‘discuss transness in a way that felt like what I feel about transness, therefore it is bad.’ That flattens everything into this very individual, very hostile way of reading,” Mandelo says. “Part of reparative reading is trying to think about how a story cannot do everything. Nothing can do everything. If you’re reading every text, fiction, or criticism looking for it to tick a bunch of boxes — like if it represents X, Y, and Z appropriately to my definitions of appropriate, and if it’s missing any of those things, it’s not good — you’re not really seeing the close focus that it has on something else.”

A paranoid reading describes perfectly what fandom culture has become in the modern times. It is why "proship", once simply a word for common sense "don't engage with what you don't like, and don't harass people who create it either" philosophies, has become the boogeyman of fandom, a bad and dangerous word. The days of reparative readings, where you would look for things you enjoyed, are all but dead. Fiction is rarely a chance to feel joy; it's an excuse to get angry, to vitriolically attack those different from oneself while surrounded with those who are the same as oneself. It's an excuse to form in-groups and out-groups that must necessarily be in a constant state of conflict, lest it come across like This side is accepting That side's faults. In other words, fandom has become the exact sort of space as the nonfandom spaces it used to seek to define itself against.

It's not about joy. It's not about resonance with plot or characters. It's about hate. It's about finding fault. If they can't find any in the story, they will, rest assured, create it by instigating fan wars- dividing fandom into factions and mercilessly attacking the other.

And that's if they even went so far as to read the work they're critiquing. The ones they don't bother to read, as you saw above, fare even worse. If an AO3 writer tagged an abuser/victim ship, it's bad, it's fetishism, even if the story is about how the victim escapes. If a trans writer uses the title "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter" to find a framework to dissect rainbow-washing the military-industrial complex, it's unforgivable. It's a cesspool of kneejerk reactions, moralizing discomfort, treating good/evil as dichotomous categories that can never be escaped, and using that complex as an excuse to heap harassment on people who "deserve it." Because once you are Bad, there is no action against you that is too Bad for you to deserve.

Isabel Fall's story follows this so step-by-step that it's like a textbook case study on modern fandom behavior.

Isabel Fall wrote a short story with an inflammatory title, with a genesis in transphobic mockery, in the hopes of turning it into a genuine treatise on the intersection of gender and sexuality and the military-industrial complex. But because audiences are unprepared for the idea of inflammatory rhetoric as a tool to force discomfort to then force deeper introspection... they zeroed in on the discomfort. "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter"- the title phrase, not the work- made them uncomfortable. We no longer teach people how to handle discomfort; we live in a world of euphemism and glossing over, a world where people can't even type out the words "kill" and rape", instead substituting "unalive" and "grape." We don't deal with uncomfortable feelings anymore; we censor them, we transform them, we sanitize them. When you are unable to process discomfort, when you are never given self-soothing tools, your only possible conclusion is that anything Uncomfortable must be Bad, and the creator must either be censored too, or attacked into conformity so that you never again experience the horrors of being Uncomfortable.

So the masses took to Twitter, outraged. They were Uncomfortable, and that de facto meant that they had been Wronged. Because the content was related to trans identity issues, that became the accusation; it was transphobic, inherently. It couldn't be a critique of bigger and more fluid systems than gender identity alone; it was a slight against trans people. And no amount of explanations would change their minds now, because they had already been aggrieved and made to feel Uncomfortable.

Isabel Fall was now a Bad Person, and we all know what fandom spaces do to Bad People. Bad People, because they are Bad, will always be deserving of suicide bait and namecalling and threatening. Once a person is Bad, there is no way to ever become Good again. Not by refuting the accusations (because the accusations are now self-evident facts; "there is a callout thread against them" is its own tautological proof that wrongdoing has happened regardless of the veracity of the claims in the callout) and not by apologizing and changing, because if you apologize and admit you did the Bad thing, you are still Bad, and no matter what you do in future, you were once Bad and that needs to be brought up every time you are mentioned. If you are bad, you can NEVER be more than what you were at your worst (in their definition) moment. Your are now ontologically evil, and there is no action taken against you that can be immoral.

So Isabel was doomed, naturally. It didn't matter that she outed herself to explain that she personally had lived the experience of a trans woman and could speak with authority on the atrocity of rainbow-washing the military industrial complex as a proaganda tool to capture progressives. None of it mattered. She had written a work with an Uncomfortable phrase for a title, the readers were Uncomfortable, and someone had to pay for it.

And that's the key; pay for it. Punishment. Revenge. It's never about correcting behavior. Restorative justice is not in this group's vocabulary. You will, incidentally, never find one of these folks have a stance against the death penalty; if you did Bad as a verb, you are Bad as an intrinsic, inescapable adjective, and what can you do to incorrigible people but kill them to save the Normal people? This is the same principle, on a smaller scale, that underscores their fandom activities; if a Bad fan writes Bad fiction, they are a Bad person, and their fandom persona needs to die to save Normal fans the pain of feeling Uncomfortable.

And that's what happened to Isabel Fall. The person who wrote the short story is very much alive, but the pseudonym of Isabel Fall, the identity, the lived experiences coming together in concert with imagination to form a speculative work to critique deeply problematic sociopolitical structures? That is dead. Isabel Fall will never write again, even if by some miracle the person who once used the name does. Even if she ever decides to restart her transition, she will be permanently scarred by this experience, and will never again be able to share her experience with us as a way to grow our own empathy and challenge our understanding of the world. In spirit, but not body, fandom spaces murdered Isabel Fall.

And that's... fandom, anymore. That's just what is done, routinely and without question, to Bad people. Good people are Good, so they don't make mistakes, and they never go too far when dealing with Bad people. And Bad people, well, they should have thought before they did something Bad which made them Bad people.

Isabel Fall's harassment happened in early 2020, before quarantine started, but it was in so many ways a final chance for fandom to hit the breaks. A chance for fandom to think collectively about what it wanted to be, who it wanted to be for and how it wanted to do it. And fandom looked at this and said, "more, please." It continues to harass marginalized people, especially fans of color and queen fans, into suffering mental breakdowns. With gusto.

Any ideas of reparative reading is dead. Fandom runs solely on paranoid readings. And so too is restorative justice gone for fandom transgressions, real or imagined. It is now solely about punitive, vigilante justice. It's a concerted campaign to make sure oddballs conform or die (in spirit, but sometimes even physically given how often mentally ill individuals are pushed into committing suicide).

It's a deeply toxic environment and I'm sad to say that Isabel Fall's story was, in retrospect, a sort of event horizon for the fandom. The gravitational pull of these harassment campaigns is entirely too strong now and there is no escaping it. I'm sorry, I hate to say something so bleak, but thinking the last few days about the state of fandom (not just my current one but also others I watch from the outside), I just don't think we can ever go back to peaceful "for joy" engagement, not when so many people are determined to use it as an outlet for lateral aggression against other people.

[play-now-my-lord]

serenely remembering the moment when isabel fall published "helicopter story" aka "i sexually identify as an attack helicopter", which instantiated harassment from her clouty new-wave scifi friends that radiated outwards into transmisogynist scifi normies and became so severe she wound up in inpatient. people took up the cause of the story in the name of "free artistic expression" and "speaking difficult truths", which was not incorrect but which was kind of missing the forest for the trees in that specific situation: the age-old game of "kill the baby trans girl out of professional jealousy, farm clout off of doing it". the roles could have been completely reversed - the transmisogynist acquaintances could have been writing edgy outsider lit and could have been encouraging mass harassment against her for being a tenderqueer sellout (i swear to god i have seen this shit too). effect would have been the same.

when trans women in FSF talk about this shit, they usually talk about it from the angles of "censorious tenderqueers tried to kill someone over a story" or, in the most sympathetic voice i've seen out of someone in journalism, "public pressure functionally forced this exciting trans writer back into the closet". but they generally miss the degree to which it was intimate, personal transmisogynist violence, which bled into and intersected with the logics of mob justice, of "community safety" (remember, part of the substance of the accusations was that she was a stealth nazi, which frankly knowing a little about both the accusers and IF herself I can say confidently was not just vacuous but knowingly vacuous, them lying through their teeth), and again, professional jealousy.

i have seen people who crowed the loudest about what got done to IF do it to other people. it's the easiest thing in the world, and it happens all the time, and you can do it whenever you want - try and have some weird tranny rival or inconvenient tranny ex-friend killed - and it engenders no moral stain, no whispers, no reputation. i think they don't even have a conception that they're hypocrites. why would they? nothing that happens to anyone like that is real. human life is cheap if it's in the wrong body. everything they hold is stolen, everything they are is negotiable, for everything they do someone else surely deserves the credit. why not you? don't you deserve it more?

[radioconstructed]

You're FRACKING THE BEES???

⌖ I sexually identify as a fracking drill 🤷‍♀️

[tpwrtrmnky]

On the topic of the mech piloting as metaphor for painful dysphoria, Isabel Fall's "I Sexually Identify As An Attack Helicopter" is your post to the absolute letter, except what if all of the above was 100% true and you still stayed locked in long enough to erode your own moral core. You may already be aware of it, or the drama around it, but then I remembered that XKCD comic about assuming everyone is familiar with a niche thing and felt compelled to mention it.

Yea I know of it, and the drama trainwreck surrounding it