#I WOULDNT JUST START WOOING PEOPLE

[avalordream]

Prompt: Imagine you get isekaied in Our Life. Only thing is that you wake up as a child and remember everything. You can only save at this point but you can still access the save and load menu and see your previous runs.

Meanwhile your precious neighbor is slowly becoming self aware, getting deja vu with every passing second- as if this has all happened before...

A/N: A few days after I posted this- a few other thoughts came to mind- SO HERE IS MY ATTEMPT AT VOCALIZING THEM

You’re keenly aware of how small and tiny you are the moment you wake up. 

For the first few days, you started to acclimate to…the family home. 

It wasn’t YOUR family though. It never was. It was MC’s. Not your’s.

You could project all you wanted onto MC but it was never your family or your life to experience. It was theirs.

Even so, you quickly found yourself missing the life you were used to. More specifically:

The cuisine.

It was hard not to draw suspicion to the fact that you were craving different food genres aside from Mom’s Pamela’s mac and cheese and cheeseburgers. 

Ma’s Noelani’s Hawaiian food helped quite a bit to hold you over as you started to ponder over how to approach it.

Kind of hard to bring it up to your MC’s parents that you wanted Asian/Middle eastern/Indian/Pakistani/Mexican/etc food when there was none of that for miles around

For the time being, you had to quietly hint and nudge their thoughts into that direction but not enough to make them suspicious. Noelani obviously had her suspicions about Cove getting into the house from Step 2-3 but never brought it up once. From what you could tell, she was scary observant

Another issue was how clumsy your new body was.

Your mind might be able to remember how to do everyday tasks like writing and such but this tiny body didn’t have the muscle memory to match it

Much to Liz’s dismay, you spent quite a bit of your time forcing your hands and legs to train to do things your adult body could do in a snap

Time wise- technology was a huge sucker punch. It made you feel bad for taking your own devices for granted. 

That being said, self learning everything was going to be hard without a phone or computer on hand, especially knowing that you’d have to go through the cursed education system all over again- but most likely much harder

There had to be a reason older folk complained about it, right?...

Your MC’s birthday was the same as your own, just that the birth year is 1997. That being said, the current year was 2006… Funny. You were only two in 2006…

…

Back to self learning, you tried to practice what you considered basic math long after everyone had fallen asleep

Usually, your day was filled with entertaining Shiloh and Liz, playing in the park or going along with whatever Liz said. Judging by the giant for sale sign across the street and the date, you figured out that you got isekaied roughly at least a month or two before Cove and Mr. Holden would move in. 

Who knew how that would go now that you weren’t subjected to just three choices?

Even after playing around, your body was exhausted and your baby mind was just as pooped out.

The first few days you would wake up early as children do and tried doing your math and remembering as much as you could at that time

Yeah, Liz nearly gave you a heart attack after she barged in and you had to play it off as you scribbling absolute nonsense cause you were bored

After that near collision, you changed your prep time to being at night. Sure, you woke up to Liz shaking you and not getting enough sleep in the morning, but you needed to refresh your memory the best you could

You couldn’t do it every night though and did your best to keep some sort of schedule so you wouldn’t forget - and worry your MC’s moms

They noticed the first few times of how sleepy you’d be when you’d wake up later than usual - granted if Liz didn’t wake you up - and a few nights after, you nearly got caught right in the middle of your review.

Pam was more sneaky than Noelani, so you should’ve seen this coming- but even so, you had everything spread out on your rug when you just barely heard her footsteps come to your MC’s door

You had enough time to shove everything underneath your bed - your room was messy enough but better safe than sorry - and quickly dive under the covers before you heard your door open with the softest of clicks

She was around for a good while before you heard the door close again but you didn’t relax until you were sure her footsteps went back to the master bedroom

After that, you were much more careful about how long you spent studying and when. You haven’t been caught since.

Occasionally, you’d have to sneak in your MC’s parent’s room to grab any books that you needed. Good thing Noelani was a book nerd.

You did have to be careful about your self learning- you didn’t want them getting any suspicions that their kid was suddenly…different out of nowhere.

You had no idea what MC was like as a kid before the events of Our Life so you tried your best to piece together what you could 

Speaking of, there were a bunch of things you quickly realized about Our Life, one of which is that game didn’t go over nearly everything that MC went through, let alone before Cove came or others that it only touched on briefly

For example, the tourists that came and went every year happened to be close friends of Pamela’s from her time in university, hence why they were so friendly to you and Liz in particular. 

It was also why they knew how to… handle your ever changing moods. At least-

That’s what it looked like to them.

To you- it was because you had to battle MC’s initial responses to these scenarios.

Go figure, this body still had its fair share of emotions inside of it, leaving you to figure out if this sharp pang of fear or worry was your own or not.

It left you second guessing everything you did, especially when you’d be up at night, studying and practicing your writing

It seriously irked you, knowing your writing was sloppy even though you knew this body couldn’t help it. It didn’t make seeing your scrappy writing less frustrating though

Despite how much you tried to hide how YOU felt, not MC, Noelani still picked up on the small shifts in your behavior. 

One of these being the irritation you harbored for your writing. 

Speaking of emotions, you found your body easily overwhelmed by any stronger ones- your own irritation making you cry- an alien feeling and one that took even you by surprise.

Worse part? The first time happened was in front of Noelani when she tried to help you practice your penmanship

Naturally, she tried to comfort you MC by trying to console you, saying it’d be better with practice and wiping away your tears but no matter how YOU tried, the tears wouldn’t stop flowing

It wasn’t until much later that you realized that MC’s tiny self had their own limits and by pushing those adult feelings and expectations that YOU had onto it sent it into a messy overdrive.

After that, you had learned to slow down- the world wasn’t ending…even if it felt like it.

…

The nail in the coffin for you that made YOU cry. Not MC’s body: Your dreams started to resemble parts of your life. 

You’d dream that you were back at your desk job or filling out mundane paperwork but no matter how boring it’d be, it was YOUR life.

The one YOU were used to and familiar with

You’d always feel so relieved to be back where you were supposed to, whether you were happy with that life or not

It was that feeling of having all your choices in your hand and being in control of where you wanted to go, if that made sense.

Nobody made those choices for you except well…you.

Only to have that feeling of familiarity ripped away once you registered Liz waking you up to play while “Ma and Mom snooze the day away!”

…

You just want to go home…

To YOUR home…

-> Part 1.5 <- ⊹ ‧₊˚ Isekai Self Aware Taglist: @lilqi @annoying-mary ˚₊‧ ⊹

[sieglinde-freud]

i flip flop a lot between anti sex anti horny xander and xander who chose his retainers purely by thinking with his dick like sorry i dont believe you picked laslow and peri based purely on objective measures i think you saw laslow almost knock you on your ass and show you last minute mercy and it did something to you. i think you saw peri hit a crit in that tourney, messy ass mascara and everything, and fell to your knees. like theres no way. THERES NOOOO WAY.

[saturnsfather]

nooooo scully dont perpetuate the extremely exaggerated and false claims about phineas gage’s mental state and behavior after his brain was stabbed through in order to make a case that the man mulder is negotiating with is a psychopathic pathological liar who was never abducted by aliens, further making the other members of the surveillance and negotiation team doubt the positive impact of mulder’s actions haha youre so sexy

[i-cant-sing]

IMAGINE THE KAMO CLAN WANTS AN ALLIANCE WITH THE ZENIN

so they offer that noritoshi (who is secretly in love with teen!fushiguro reader) marry her, the zenin and the kamo have made this type of alliance for years, it is totally normal for them

but definitely the kamo did not wait for naoya to come to his house shouting that no kamo spawn is going to sully his sweet daughter---- NIECE

when the others hear the news, toji, gojo, nanami, megumi, mai and maki arrive, ALSO SUKUNA WHO TOOK POSSESSION OF YUJI'S BODY

poor noritoshi

AHahaha yesss, I mean the elders just wanted to form an alliance, and neither clan really knew just how strong Fushiguro reader was as a toddler, so it was right to arrange a marriage for you.

As a child, Noritoshi didnt really care much for you, especially since he had battles of his own- being born to a mistress, being the heir of the clan because the head wife couldnt bear sons so, he has to deal with that.

But youre adorable and you grow on anyone, even the Zenin clan, so when toddler Fushiguro reader meets 9 year old Noritoshi, the latter only thinks of you as a spoiled brat at first. And why wouldnt he? Youre running around barefoot in the garden, dressed in sparkly pink hello kitty pjs with servants chasing after you, with Naoya screaming from the shed that he'll lock you up if he catches you grabbing his million dollar koi fish.

Noritoshi's disgust is quite understandable when you come upto him, hair disheveled, face sweaty, and you stick your muddy hand to his face.

"Hi! Im Y/n Fushiguro!" "ZENIN! Y/N ZENIN!" Naoya yells before dragging you away for training (Naoya didnt want you to meet your future husband).

As time goes on, Noritoshi would be sent to the Zenin estate on different errands (by this point, the Kamo clan has heard rumors of your powers and now want Noritoshi to go and woo you, which is a huge task since Noritoshi isnt someone who is able to express emotions, much less romantic ones). But even though he might not be able to express his emotions, doesnt mean his heart hasnt turned soft for you. Youre pollar opposite to him, loud, energetic, carefree- and yet Noritoshi cant help but feel that you... sort of complete him. Youre everything hes not and he likes that. Like 2 puzzle pieces that fit together, he completes you too. Hes quiet, calm, realistic- he brings peace to you, especially when youre mind gets overstimulated by- well, you.

How many times has it been that Noritoshi has stopped your panic attacks when you realised that your father Toji, wasnt coming back? How many times has Noristoshi had to pull you into his robes when your cursed energy started to lose control, risking himself just to calm you down and help you control it as his soft monotonous voice guided you through it?

And how many times has it been that Noritoshi would have his terrible day turned around with just you calling him "Nori!"? Or the times he'd be questioning his worth in the clan and all he needed was you to lean your head against his shoulder to feel like a million bucks? Noritoshi would be the type of man who people would think doesnt really care about love and marriage, when in reality, he just spent the entire night listening to you yap about your day, about Hello Kitty, about uncle Naoya, pausing in between to say "hmm, okay its getting late, we should sleep" only to suddenly remember a new topic to ramble on about. And youd think Noritoshi wanst listenting to you with the way hes staring at your face in awe, but really- he remembers every single word. You could quiz him. Its funny listening to man like him talk about Hello Kitty.

When the time comes for you two to actually get married, Naoya throws a fit, and surprisingly, the Zenin clan also doesnt want to marry you off to Kamo clan (or anyone). People opposing the marriage from your side would be the Zenin clan, the twins (who start telling you all the reasons why marriage is a trap and youd be dead in 2 days.), Gojo (he just chuckles and tells you not to worry because he wont let you be forced into marriage), Nanami (my man wholeheartedly believes youre being a victim of child marriage, BUT NOT ON HIS WATCH! GONNA KILL ANYONE WHO EVEN THINKS OF U LIKE THAT- just sit in his condo and eat the sandwhich he made for you. And dont argue.), Megumi (who doenst get why he wasnt ever informed that you, his baby sister, was in an arranged marriage, and why the hell didnt Noritoshi try to get his blessings/permission considering THAT HES YOUR CLOSEST FAMILY MEMBER??? Also, no- youre not marrying Kamo) and then... theres Sukuna (if you thought Naoya threw a fit, youre in for A WORLD OF TANTRUMS AS SUKUNA SCREAMS AND MOST LIKELY KILLS WHOEVER IS IN A MILE VICINITY, just to let off some steam and calm down before he talks to you and REMINDS YOU THAT YOU PROMISED TO MARRY HIM! HAVE YOU BEEN PROPOSING TO EVERY GUY YOU MET?)

People supporting this union would be all from Noritishi's side, including- the Kamo clan, Choso Kamo (cause ofc, youre just a precious baby like Yuji, and with you being part of the clan means he can protect u better), and surprise surprise Kenjaku (because youd be strong addition to the clan and then you and Nori will have babies with SUPER STRONG CURSED ENERGY AND HE'LL ACCOMPLISH HIS PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION).

Anyways, its a sticky situation and it all comes down to you really. Do you want to marry Noritoshi or not?

[campfam4lyfe]

So good to meet another Brookji/Kenlynn fan! What do you think that will happen between them in JWCT season 2 (or later seasons)?

YESSS ANOTHER BROOKENJI!!!!!

okay so, honestly, i have like. zero clue. of what i think will actually happen, because there could be so many different roads for them to take. i know what i want though, and that is a kenlynn endgame. i understand why they broke up, i do. but to see their faces as it happened. the devastation--neither of them wanted it. but kenji had to do it, and i dont blame him.

but guys! brooklynn loves the camp fam--she keeps their picture up on her mystery board. she kept it as her lockscreen. she loves them. i also have to say, that brooklynn loves kenji. as a boyfriend, as a lover--as her person. darius says she was real broken up about the breakup, and she clearly had regrets. she told darius about how and where it happened. she kept that video with the "brokwie bear" and "kenji wenji." she has that video because she couldn't help but film him bc she thought he was being cute. it was one of the first things they saw when they decided to look through her phone! she loves him!

and kenji loves her--his grief over her death, his anger at the people he suspected of being involved in her death--the constant "where were you's" to darius--he needed to know why he wasnt there. that bit where he says "be honest with me. if you loved brooklynn, and mean, really loved her, why werent you there?" broke me, absolutely, cause goddamn ouch. like. he loves her, so he couldnt imagine not showing up if she called him. to the extent where he needs to know why darius wasnt and its like. does he, somehow, blame himself a lot? is that a veiled, *i* could have been there, why didnt she want me there?? devastating stuff.

but. thats all s1 stuff. youre asking about season 2 and onwards! so. what i think will happen--okay, so, you remember how in the end of s1 cc they showed ben was alive? and then we got a ben&bumpy episode that spanned the near-month he was alone. im wondering if they'll do that with brooklynn at some point. truly, i dont know. its possible, but maybe there going to reveal it in pieces, like flashbacks.

i want to know how brooklynn survived. the extent of her realtionship with ronnie, and about all the stuff she'd uncovered abt the dino smugglers since she started till now.

but also, i want a reunion so so bad, and since CT was handling everything else so well, i think theyll do a reunion justice too. and that means i think they will give some of the characters space to be angry. obviously i think there will be relief--who wouldnt be, to find out your friend is alive? but then i think there might also be betrayal, or anger or both.

and maybe also a little horror. brooklynn lost her HAND. and those moments leading up to it must have been terrifying.

i want the fact that she has lost a hand to be addressed. for instance, she can't drive her motorcycle anymore, at least not without a proper prosthesis. and its clearly something she liked doing--her helmets! one for her and one for kenji. just. AHHHHHH you know???

i want kenji to be wooed, let brooklynn woo kenji CT writers, let them woo each other.

i realize i keep meandering and never properly answering your question. im so sorry! okay--i think things will be tense, probably, with relief mixed in, but also a lot of hurt, and some anger. i think brooklynn will have her reasons, its a matter of whether or not the camp fam can accept those reasons or not, after all, we cannot force anyone to accept our apologies. i think they will however, though it may be at different stages for different characters. i think kenlynn will be able to reconcile, and im hoping for a "i knew youd come around/dont ruin it" call back. (my biggest hope is for that ghost line callback tho) but i also think brooklynn will have to show kenji that she does value his time and being with him, and just, him. which, i think its clear she does, but she got a little too consumed with her mystery for a hot sec.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hi miss L, i have a spiritual/religious question and i don't know anyone else who could answer it.... since i was a kid i've been attracted to tarot, spirituality, mystical explanations of the worlds workings, astrology, all that good stuff. i never used to connect my spirituality to a single higher power, and i never had any issues with this. for a few years i've been wanting more than just a disturbingly accurate tarot spread and i feel compelled towards god. i'm not sure how to word it honestly! i keep getting messages all around me telling me the saint that watches over me, and that god is there too. so here's my issue.

whenever i reach out and pray or do any kind of ritual or reach out specifically to god or a saint, my life immediately starts going haywire. yesterday i set up a small shrine in my room for my dead kitty since i've been feeling better about her passing and i prayed a little. i asked for sign that i was going in the right direction, and hours after i prayed, our sink plumbing got clogged, my cat (living) ran out and had to be caught, my mom dropped a whole bowl of food, and i wasn't able to pick up groceries bc the bank cards wouldnt work. this never happens in my household, we've been joking that we're cursed. this happens everytime i try to reach out to god. the worst time was when my mom lost her job, dad crashed his car, and i kept having panic attacks out of the blue for a week. i freaked out and took everything i said back and bathed in salt water for hours hoping i could cleanse whatever happened to me. it worked and my life was back to normal the next day.

do you have any advice? i would love to put my trust in a higher power as i've never been religious before, but smthn is going wrong somehow.

thank you for reading, i love seeing you on the dash and your music is so soothing and nostalgic. much love!! <3 <3 <3 <3

so sweet, and caring, thankyou u//u...im sorry things have been difficult :< The following message does not in any way endorse the claim that i understand God, that God could ever be understood, or that any one of us should every try to understand the -inner workings- of God ! purely my feelings v v v

i relate to ur background cus i grew up w no religion, my parents didnt talk about any kind of woo-woo stuff, my dads dad was woo-woo AF and my dad haaaaated it so he rejected all of it so i was pree much just a blank slate. but for some reason i was just REALLY obsessed w magical thinking and the like. believed in god spirits nature deities angels demons magic aliens and i was totaly engrossed in ~my secret world~. i was kinda scared of religion tho i viewed it in a bad light since i was learning about it during the george bush post-9/11 era & for some reason my child self was rly interested in consuming critique of america , iraq war / westboro baptist church type stuff , from an outsider's perspective i saw religion as something american people used as justification for committing atrocities & crazy power trips , which, i mean.. anyways

it didnt help me trust God xD but many of my beliefs remained into my teens i just didnt have any outlet for them. so i got into astrology around 15/16, started learning more about tarot & occultish type things, crytstals, all those subjects intrigued me very much. but i felt the same way as you, like, something was still lacking from it, even when i got these super profound tarot readings, or read my birth chart a million times over looking for clues about ~wtf is this stupid life for~ , i never felt safe. never felt assured, never felt i could trust myself or my future. it was an odd period, early 20s. but then kinda same as u, as my knowledge on these topics expanded i started to notice the quality of Holiness a lot more. the more i learned about different religions the more i realized how connected it all was, and how religion connects to "the occult", and magic, light and dark, i find it very hard to put into words. i just started to find myself actually really earnestly believing in God in a way i never thought i could? Like reading the bible & being completely enthralled, i NEVER woulda thought. i started to feel way safer in the world even tho im still not "christian" technicaly. but i believe in jesus now and it makes me feel safe on a cellular level.

i believe the real jesus was wholly non judgemental and loved everyone no matter what, the thing that susses me out about Religious Institutions was always the judgement that can spawn from it. misses the point of everrything in my opinion.

its kinda wild actually cus when i used to be into like, trash reality tv ghost hunting shows, i remember there was one ep where this psychic was talking about how she always prays to jesus for protection before doing a reading or entering a haunted place. that really intrigued me cus i thought jesus and psychic automatically cancelled each other out. i think that moment rly opened up the rabbitehole and it was so mundane like wtf. still rememebr it tho!

sorry im really in a typing mood tonight.. So my next point was gonna be that, just because i started to really believe in god and jesus and really PRAY for protection & guidance, my life did not get easier xD like i would say the past 6 years have been nothing short of a shit show. my life was fucked before that too tho so its hard to compare, but still, its safe to say my shift in perspective actually brought a lot of chaos into mylife. the point of it, i feel, is that i had to dismantle it in order to truly Live in the frequency of trusting God. because this was new to me! i wanted to trust God, i put out the energy of seeking God, and God was like ok hold on tight..

So now i'm here all these years later like, oh yeah God is real and i love him and it's all real. it's CEMENTED into me lol. When i used to say i trust God it still felt like i was asking permission to be able to feel that way. but now i really really do. And messed up stuff will keep happening forever because there needs to be light & dark, there can't b one without the other. But now i have faith in a really personal way that i wld never attempt to transfer onto another like even by talking about these experiences & concepts i still feel like i don't want to prove anything. except that it's worth it to keep trying, i guess :]

and OK this is really just how i feel like take it with a grain of salt , but from what i've gathered, if you believe in energy entities & astral happenings & whatnot, well. it's my opinion that the invisible low frequency parasites that feed on many ppl's dread & fear, when they're attached to u and u begin to raise your vibration, they get very upset and throw a fit. like think of a demon being exorcised, u know, u imagine it having a total fit in a desperate fight for it's life. if ur appeasing the demon and letting it use you then of course it's going to keep things on an even keel, u kno?

taking a salt bath was a good thing to do tho like one of the best things <3 its also good to have crosses or your holy item of choice around the house, light white candles, organize clutter. pray a lot like every time u feel happy and safe or notice something beautiful say thanku to God.. talk to your angels and encourage them i pray a lot specifically to strengthen them, upgrade their armor n shih...i ask them to work for my loved ones, i try to be concentrated on them, visualize them around me all the time, visualize them standing guard outside every door. i feel this kinda stuff increases ur Holy EXP and over time your spiritual armor gets stronger, bad entities move on and things in life start really flow. the trust just has to b there first, and it will be, so long as u allow it <3

it just takes time, and like i said i dont want to prove anything or be The Convincer, but if u were already having feelings to go down this path i recommend not giving up and let God carry u through those tough situations instead of seeing them as an absence of God or God's Wrath. just keep praying cus it can't hurt right, even if it's just a way to occupy your mind with kind thoughts about your friends and family, there's no downside to prayer. its your own journey so u just gotta live it and feel it out ^^ but pls dont feel u are being punished by God or demons or anything else! So many "bad" things that happen end up being neutral or even "good" in the long run. We can never foresee the reasoning behind God's plan ~~~

yeah, this was a long one, wow...i drank a energy drink 12 hours ago i think it made me hyper.. well have a swell evening if ur reading this anon!! o also i liek to listen to psalms before bed to help me feel calm i feel like it helps bring in angels. i think i will do so now, thanks for the Q i hope things improve for u very soon. Good night anon < 3 3 3 PMD 9

[cheriihoney]

got an ask about more info on my ocs harp and declan ^^ it was a sent a long time ago and now that i have time i decided to answer it! More info on Harp and Declan under the cut

📱 as i said government assigned agent to keep tabs on you on what you do on the internet and stuff. you aren't the first one he was assigned to watch but something about you seems different.

 📱he started this gig because of life circumstances that lead him to take some not so ethical and moral choices, so him taking on this job to watch a cute lil guy like you wouldnt be the worst thing

📱the cash is pretty good, he doesn't do much on the job really as he just watches well you. which definitely beats he's previous active life style where he had to take care of some people

📱now he's looking to settle down and there you were! being all cute for him! atleast that's what he believes because you are so darn cute when you don't realize you're being watched by him

📱harp isn't his real name, that's just his code name. he left his old life behind to start a new one. He doesn't want anyone to know his real name. Despite wanting to be closer to you he would still want some distance between you and him since he's never had anyone to be close to emotionally.

📱His descent to obsession with you is a slow one. Like real slow but undoubtedly its a slow but sure process. He started personally going through your accounts, photos and the like on his off time. Even at some point convincing the boss to let him have access to your webcam more to observe any 'suspicious' activity. not because he wanted to see you more.

📱it's similar to liking someone you just know based from what they post online and ideally harp shouldn't have been obsessed with you but since he has access to everything and anything that pertains to you. he feels he knows you the most - like a husband would :))

📱after he's come to terms that he's obsessed with you he starts craving the domestic life you seem to lead.

📱now he's picturing himself having a domestic life, something he never considered before but now he would love it as long as you were his wife (gender neutral)

💐his first life was set in those isekai manwha versions of europe with all those fancy balls and etiquette. thats when he first fell in love with you.

💐he met you, you got to know one another and eventually fell in love with you

  💐cant say the same for you lol you just thought he was just a really good friend!

💐anyways at any point where hes close to confessing his feelings for you, you would always be out of reach somehow. things like falling in love with another person or dying

💐over the course of a few lives later, his patience grew thin as in each life time you guys were in Declan still never had a chance to be with you himself.

💐he's always told himself to be patient and that eventually his time will come when he gets to be with you fr fr

💐yk he says like a very impatient and exhausted man practically waiting for centuries to finally be with you

💐he doesn't exactly remember each life clearly but he does know you and that he has to be with you no matter the cost

💐used to let fate guide his to lead him to you but now he's reconsidering if he should man handle fate

💐current day Declan is from old money who spares no expense to woo you the minute he found you again

💐just straights up introduces himself as your fiance. Because he wanted to atleast take things slowly, atleast he didn't introduce himself as your husband

💐he rizzes up your parents to atleast let him court you like ye olden days. old habits die hard

💐would rather be in a very very very long engagement as opposed to be being your friend first

💐somehow you do agree to atleast know him alittle

💐thus starts Declan's plan of being with you in this life. This poor man is desperate and tired of not being with you in any of his previous lives

💐let him have this one?

[snoopyliker]

time to qsmp talk

theres multiple things about the new server that i do enjoy i love the new mods and i mean lootr is so awesome for dungeons and theres a lot more cool blocks and decorations to build with and i think bounties are actually fun to give people stuff to do and i love the new world and everyone starting from zero and new builds.

but theres also the cons! i truly would not have minded the economy system if it wasnt so invasive to the gameplay. i dont mind “money” being established when it comes to buying silly things like cosmetics or the plushies or generally things that dont impede you being unable to craft. i understand why everything is behind a paywall, i get it, they want to really promote this system and get the players involved but its such a drastic shift from being able to simply craft a waystone.. to having to pay for every single one you want. it’s rough. it dont see the point really in having a mod in the game but locking it behind money and removing essentially its utility to the players. with every con though theres pros like its interesting to see how players develop transportation for themselves to get around easier i mean points towards foolish have you ever seen a man so dedicated to breeding fast horses. but again that doesnt lessen the unfortunate aspect of waystones, warpstones, and such being less available.

i dont see the point in putting the nether behind a paywall i dont get why they have to grind for it as if they havent waited long enough and tried millions of things go get the nether already. its odd. though again i think these choices make sense in the story like the island is being run by a new character mr bunny and he’s obsessed with money so it makes sense for the players to live in this capitalistic hellscape where they need to even pay to teleport. i think it reinforces the power and imbalance between the federation and the islanders. they thought they had it bad but they continue to make their lives worse. i think all of this works actually really well in the story my issue is that when you look at it from any other lens its not fun. it feels unnecessary and forced onto the players, which again makes sense in the story, to partake in. idk i think if the admins wanted to delay the nether being opened then they couldve just done that without the collective spending. it feels really weird. i always wanted the nether opening to be this cool grand lore moment but it feels like its just going to be “woo u wasted money congrats here u go” not nearly as thrilling as if the players idk uncovered information from the federation and the bunnies and found a way to make a permanent functioning portal that would lead to this opening moment.

the whole thing with the coins is such a shame because i wanted it to be good but as of right now it doesnt bode well with me. also makes me question what about all the players duck coins they had earned prior to the reset? where did those go? once they go back to their old builds can they deposit that money?

i wouldnt even say earning coins is hard like the admins have offered a variety of ways to get coins my main issue is all the things behind these payments with the coins. i dont get the nerf with waystones i dont get why. i dont know. i’d like to have a genuine chat with the admins over what the future of the smp looks like to them and what their aim is with all these features. i want to understand better so im able to watch and know what the point is before simply criticizing ignorantly. but im sure they’ve received a lot of negativity already and i dont want them to be discouraged. im just honestly curious like the beginning of purgatory was confusing and jarring but once we got the premise of what it is and what its purpose is meant to be in relation to the server i personally ended up enjoying it throughly.

anyways peace and love on planet earth ily admins and qsmp team (please set us free)

[the-speyeral]

ive been thinking abt a gravity falls x 36 questions au because im normal ofc and i dont have the energy to fully plan this out what with my wtgf au (and also with how niche this idea is) so take whatever the continuing ramble will be (under the cut)

okay so it would be fiddauthor centric, with ford being judith and fiddleford being jase. i imagine ford wouldnt be nearly as energetic as judith, but i still think it fits

ford wouldn't have lied about his name and identity, but rather his family and the fact that he had a twin brother. it would have been the same as with judith where she lied that her parents were dead because she wished they were. however, he just felt embarrassed and scared about what might happen or what fiddleford would have thought were he to meet fords parents (yes this means he also lied by omission by not mentioning shermies existence ever)

they still meet in uni, and both graduate but they do start dating during uni (yes because of the questions and like a year after ford gets his last degree they get married wooo!!! and move to gravity falls because fiddleford just wants ford to be happy

after fiddleford finds out that fords been lying (he finds out when stan calls to try making amends and fiddleford answers to stans apologetic ramblings) he runs back to tennessee and ford follows him there two weeks after to try winning him back (the record was a journal btw and he was very thorough with his entries ofc ofc, so that gets left with fiddleford)

his plan fails and many years go by without a word, until fiddleford emails ford out of the blue with answers to the questions he had never answered that night. by now, he had met, married, and divorced emma-may and had tate with her

anyways they make amends and fiddleford is sympathetic and woo gay people are happy the end

[feelo-fick]

Scarab & Prismo & Snufkin & Muddler for the character bingo!

(doesn’t have to be all of these of course. But can be)

I NEED TO KILL SCARAB. ITS A NEED. I NEED HIS BLOOD (<- will weep at any angst including him). HES EVEYTHING HES HORRIBLE HES A WRETCHED THING I HATE HIM HES THE WORST I WILL KISS HIM. AUGH. what the hell.

anyways i find him relatable.. something something vulnerability hard and shit yada yada but ALSO i make weird squawking/squeaky noises when im annoyed and i like to imagine he does that with the chirping... its funny

ALSO THE FANDOM KEEPS MAKING HIM SUFFER AND I LOVE IT AND WANT MORE BUT ALSO OW FUCK THAT HURTS WHY OW OW OW everything about his - concerning - respect (kneel for your life.) for authority (he was only following orders.) and isolation (he was never invited to those parties.) from the rest of. well everyone (he doesnt need them. he enjoys being alone. he doesnt need anyone else. he doesnt want it, he doesnt want it, he promises he doesnt.) is just SO. augh.

and the self sabotaging aspect of it. no one will love you, youve accepted that, so you stop sanding down your teeth. you bite and claw at any attempt to soothe your aches and stroke your spikes down, theyre only trying to find a soft spot near your belly.

your worst fears come true. youll never let it happen again. youll stand straight, youll make yourself seem bigger to scare off anyone who tries to come close to you. which leads to anyone who couldve helped you being dissuaded and backing off. serves them right, you never needed fixing. you never needed anyone. ...the clycle begins again. it aches. why? it shouldnt. that isnt allowed.

they should stop that, stop poking at the weak spots. it hurts to feel. you KNOW its to help. you dont want to be helped. stop it, stop. everyones going to know. they cant know it aches. theyll use it against you. keep kneeling, head lower, arch your back. maybe theyll be amused enough to give you mercy.

...cough. well anyways. im gonna stop here before this turns into a full on character analysis and MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONEEEE WOO

(youll start to notice a pattern that i express love for characters by wishing to kill them cough)

ANYWAYS MY SECOND HUSBAAND WHOM I WANT DEAD . hes. hes so. i cant.

i honestly love his aesthetic i dont know why. the tv/light/dream shit has a lot of potential methinks. i love the thought of a job swap au where prismo uses light/tech as a way to interact with the world while still being stuck somewhere else... and also the visual funkiness of him being projected onto many many tv screens brings me joy. i want that gender...

also. in general i love it when gods are depicted ss being really mortal-like... like, youre a cosmic being with power and omnipotence over the multiverses you watch over, and yet. you like sandwiches and pools and games and hanging out wih friends and its just. on every level but literal you are mortal and alive and wholly r e a l. but youre not. youre a dream, a projection, youre not even in the dimensions of the people you (love) watch. youre an outsider and its very clear. youre THIS CLOSE to being just like them. but youre not. and you never will be.

youre admired by those who are like you, but you dont really care for it. but those who you do care about either dont see you as anything more than a tool to manipulate the multiverse or see you as too grand to be able to connect with in a way that isnt "you are god and i am not". youre stuck in a prison you yourself control. but a prison is still a prison. people want what you have- how you wished they had it instead of you! maybe then, youd be loved. maybe then, things wouldnt be so ear-deafingly quiet. silence sticks out like a sore thumb in the yearning- the wish to not be alone.

OKAY AM I JUST GONNA DO THIS FOR ALL OF THEM. WHAT THE HELL. MOVING ON.

okay this time im not gonna intensely analyse his character. hopefully.

AHEM . SNUFKIN!!!! my best friend i love him so so much.......... i need to absorb his fucking vibes and gender so hard what the hell. LIKE BROTHER. HOW DO YOU PULL OFF THAT MUCH SWAGGER WITHOUT EVEN TRYING oh and also there are so many things wrong with you are you like okay bud...

i like to think that "omg hes just like me frfr" but the fact that i get so excited about that thought proves that I actually kin moomintroll nsnxjsjjsj WHICH MAKES SENSE. makes a lot of sense

i love how people interpret his personality... and i love seeing all the potential angst/drama/whatever you call it that could pop up because of how avoindant he is... and his relationships with the other characters... the way he so easily distances himself from others while (i know this isnt about him but once you talk deeply about one of them i suppose you cant leave out the other) moomintroll clings a little too hard onto him...

ill be honest im a bit rusty on anything moomin related, so forgive my poor memory + hesitation, but i do love em a lot still!!! no hyperfixation is dead, just dormant, as they say........... havent thought about them in a while but i should really brush up on everyones characters and the way they interact ... would be really helpful for some analysis and application to my own work and- YEAH WHATEVER YOU GET IT NEXT ONE

OKAY SO I HAVENT HEARD TOO MUCH ABOUT MUDDLER (aside from bloom's stuff - bless you bloom) BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT HES VERY RELATABLE AND FUNKY AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT... button collector.... so me fr............

im quite neutral on account of the fact that (again) i havent seen much of him, but i think hes really neato and also(!) i actually used him as inspo for my sona design... ITS JUST THAT, his design fucks so hard so so hard its such a good design. PEAK. absolute peak...

IDK ! i think muddler is such a nice and cool little critter... i would love to have more content of him!!! i need to know more about him!!! honestly atp someone could tag me on muddler content id be happy to have it... i think id really really love him if i just knew more(!!!) but i dont unfortunately waaah..

[istherewifiinhell]

back on the grief train woo woo (day recap) (most serious skip warning yet)

i have a predilectiction to not wanting to record or remember when (like the specific when in time) bad things happen. but in the last couple years of blogging, and i guess the year and change of drawing ive found a lot more appeal of recall. so i wonder if its not so bad to. record the bad. at any rate i dont think. not recording it makes it less real. which i think is the fear. and. my head is doing it anyway.

im doing this coping method questionable activity here instead of a journal becauseeee??? natural format my brains prefers i suppose.

to recap. the bad horrible no good very bad day

- i went to sleep late, as usual. i wake late. same. i prelong getting out of bed. also same. scrolling idly (or 'pre scrolling' the dash. i dont know why i do it)

- screams. screams and distress and misery and comforting a screaming distressed person. various talking down of hysterical lines of thought. (thats not an insult. 1. circumstances 2. understood behavioural trends) the joint and mouth gear i sleep in dont even come off until the screaming is done. have u every pet someones head in a wrist brace?

- lots and lots of crying. more comforting. the gear comes off. i brush my teeth. exhausted sitting and hovering around the. scene of the incident.

- migration to kitchen as food needs win out. all doors shut and all living beings collect. toast is eaten. water drank. etc.

- backup arrives. infomation is gathered. places are looked up and called. plans are formed. actions are taken. i mentally catalogue setimental, soothing, but give upable fabrics.

- i rip up threadbare torn bed sheets. i have to figure out how to get my dead cat into a box.

-he was around 12-15 pounds. we called him toddler sized and shaped. he had a mean punch and strong grasp. i taught him to sit on my shoulders, sometimes.

- realise how much heavier he is now. i cry. i cover him with the sheet. i somehow get it under him. hes stiff. even the tail. i cry. i pet his fur. i sob getting him into the box.

- backup apologizes. im on my knees. wailing. i think. definetly louder than anything ive done yet. backup gestures the dog at me. knowing my situation. distressee entered at some point. gets a hug from back up. i think i am gestured into the hug. i gesture down. im on the floor.

- i wail and am hugged.

- i am invited on the trip to the place. i gestures to my face. my sleep clothes. i dont see it happening. im told i dont need to be strong all the time. i reiterate. i really just wouldnt be able to get my glasses and a mask on.

- i dont see the box. i dont see much. at i dont remember if i have tea now or earlier. i soon as i hear the car go. im crying again. the sister cat meowing didnt help. i dont actually know or belief if that. i have no idea what she experiences. shes a cat. but. yeah.

- blogging happens? sometime happens? people return.

- im told. four years ago he developed a heart murmer. apparently thats a thing. 4 years. bengin to. serious.

- blogging happens. as well as algorithmic irony. i am asked if i want to watch something. i say. shower first. i forget ever song ive ever heard. for a moment. i settle on the album pocket.

- eventually i come down. i get food. we watch a movie. its a good movie. i have a nice exchange with a friend during too.

- i watch some dishes and realise. bizarrely. my old manager might find out about this. the vet was near to my job. the guy was friends with the techs. this was the kind of infomation he would share with me at times.

- youtube videos until the group disbands.

- i start recounting this my head

- i am wearing pjs i dont like. whatever the level for snotty sleeves where u chuck a set in the hamper has surely been met.

- typing this. using a spare pillow case as a hanky

- im gonna go and try and find the horse traqulizer of pleasant youtube videos.

[thefluxqueen]

*kicks the door down* i NEED to know more about darkwoods!Snake our timezones don’t match enough to me to play and find out for myself i NEED the c!Snake infodump pls

Why hello there Ghast :) I Have Many Thoughts thank u for asking.

okay so like

Snake originated in my old mc server, the piss pit smp, which i will henceforth refer ta as the pit for politeness sake. in that friend group i go by Snake more so my chara became c!Snake and the name carried over inta darkwoods :) on that note! their like, timeline is starting in the pit -> kaizo caverns -> darkwoods

to expand on alla that, in the pit they were a simple bird guy potion seller who was childhood friends w/ my friend's chara Bee and tormented the leader of the local city state and the server's owner/god for fun <3 Alot happened w/ the gods of the server and it ended in my friend beetle’s chara slowly destroying the integrity of the world itself in their grief, and somewhere near the end of it all when everyfin was tearin itself apart, Snake.. slipped through the cracks. not on purpose, but while everyone else had the help of another god to escape the world, Snake fell through on their lonesome. the thing about the pit is it was a server not really, ment to be left, so the world didn't really take kindly them doing so.

Snake ended up in Kaizo Caverns, a super hostile map i was very obsessed w/ for a while like right before joining darkwoods, so my brain was like 'hey wouldnt it be funny to connect these-' and what that lead to is me tormenting my little bird guy <33 by virtue of kaizo caverns bein in version 1.2.5 Snake's wings just, dont work and for pragmaticism he ties them together and to himself so they dont move/get in the way.

i personally played the map for like 18 somefin hours but i translated that inta Snake bein stuck in there for like, several months, dont really got a specific timespan for that

i kept a death counter while playin cause i am very much not good at video games, and those deaths + the general trials and tribulations of havin ta eat rotten flesh at several points and conserving food/resources and spending an increadibely long time traversing the caverns while on edge, all together form inta Woah This Bird's Traumatized LMAO

During those many months Snake was basically entirely isolated, Except! sometime pretty early on they found a half busted headset, which they procceded ta wear constantly but only Occationally got any sort of signal. those brief moments are how they met @kishdoodles' character redac! snake got a reprieve from the loneliness and over the months they went from strangers to friends even if it was just in snapshots, this was basically me rationalizing why kish let me immediatley move inta their house/backyard when i joined the server lmao

after snake completes kaizo caverns they like, fall Again inta darkwoods (havent really thought too hard inta that transition specifically akjwrk woo dimension travel!) and i ORIGINALLY deemed darkwoods his retirement arc after alla that shit in the caverns,,, little did i know,,,

i join darkwoods and im faffin about, live in a hole behind kish's cabin/farm, sign my soul away to @renchant and join Deep Dark Deals, yaknow, the ush. and then i decide ta make the abyss. the thing is, when i was buildin the first abyss it was completely seperate ta Snake's whole deal i was like this is just ta torment my friends its got its own personal lore but its not connected ta my guy yaknow. But Then I Built The Second One

somewhere in the process of building that i decided that oh hey, wouldnt it be cool if Snake built this one, since the whole deal w/ the abyss is that it infects people ta build other ones. and now here we are kajwekrkjewkj

Snake has been once again buried and isolated, see the lines from the book they wrote thats in the 2nd abyss: 'a person made for the sky buried over and over and over again.' 'Must be fate at this point. Rooted to the earth whether I like it or not.' ummm,,, sad! 

several consequences of the 2nd abyss is that its slowly sapping Snake's like, ability to feel emotion and kinda retaining that for itself, and 2.) since Snake went completley missing, Redac went to hunt them down and uhhhh died in the 2nd abyss! whoops! kish wrote a will for them that's at their cabin and  o guh gwe ;-; that shit makes me tear up every time i read it,,, wtf,,,, mc rp really hits diferent man.

annnd thats where we are atm! <3 in regards ta like, personality Snake is basically just me but like, a bit more abrassive/assholely id say, i once described them as 'distinguished fucked up' durin the pit days n tbh that still tracks LMAO

other miscellaneous things are that for like, each period of snake's life they have a specific tool they hold onta the most: fishing rod for the pit, sword for the caverns, axe for early darkwoods, and pickaxe for post abyss :3, snake's got a lil bee charm he useda have in his hair but moved ta his waist that like represented his childhood friend :0 ive recently decided that they also keep an old feather of redac's on the same string, and snake not havin a soul definitely has an effect on how easily the abyss infected them/fucked em up

ON LAST THING, on darkwoods, I have a habit of wearing player heads insteada a helmet cause we have that plugin that drops heads n i think its fun, and i do this Constantly enough so that you and other members have mentioned u really only see my skin’s face on heads of my own scattered around LMAO. the way i draw this is as Snake wearin hand painted masks of people’s faces <3 just girlie things

and thats basically it! i Will forget somefin n come back later but uhhh bird infodump be upon yeh :3 have some doodles: (Old doodle of pit era Snake and post abyss snake w/ a Pilot mask)

[mcybree]

🏜️ and 🌿 for the ask game?

i am captivated by how beautiful that desert emoji is on iphone … wowie

🏜️ - favourite team or duo?

fh is the obvious answer but seeing them interact on screen also fills me with a sinking dread unrivaled by anything else and its also specific to just third life so. I’m going to list some more for the other series ig with an aside that says I used to be a big renchanting fan back in the day, but for third life all the red/green duos besides fh are equally loved by me I’d say

ll - Team BEST, specifically whatever Skizz and Tango had going on it was so fucked up. Skizz when he’s willing to sacrifice everything for his team and therefore cant conceptualize that the others wouldnt do the same, so he lets the sake of togetherness squeeze tango for everything he’s worth and then when bdubs kills tango he tells tango to apologize for getting mad. insane AND fascinating

dl - DIVORCE YEAAAH WOO YEAAAH DIVORCE QUARTET FOREVER WOOOHOO!!!! they were my first love actually like. they caused the hyperfixation. I watched the dl finale and thats what started it I explicitly remember bc I was trying so hard to NOT get hyperfixated at the time. It was a constant battle. And then I watched the finale and I immediately lost and I’m still here. Which is really funny bc I really couldnt tell you any thoughts I have about them anymore? It was all very surface level stuff that didn’t need analyzing from me like everyone got it I didnt need to make a case to anyone so I guess I just forgot…. They still hold a special place in my heart though

limlife - Clockers. Not for any character reason theyre just really fucking funny. nothing in the life series is beating the playing catch scene in terms of hilarity to me. next

sl - sl is interesting because the alliances arent as clear cut from day one as they typically are. Theyre sort of taking shape now but a vast majority of them are still part of the larger community rather than shutting themselves off to be with their buddies. I couldnt tell you a favorite team bc I dont even know what the teams are besides like… heart foundation and the cherry blossom band. and the mounders I guess but those mfs are splitting up at the first sight of danger sorry 🌿 - any favourite interpretations?

of what. wait of what. the characters? the series as a whole? uh. um. hm. this one is so open ended hold on. whatever this animation has going on with desert duo? It sort of opened my eyes to how we as fans can do whatever we want with what the series gives us and spin the story in countless different directions. I love when people make the narrative their own and expand on it in unique ways

[minkkumaz]

HI OMIIII!!! im skipping out a few extra days of school, i know the stress is gonna catch up to me once i get back (hopefully not.) but!!

ive been using my notes app alot recently.. i had to lock them cause it was just full of ideas abt bonedo ^^;

before i get into that,, someone stopped me in one of my classes and asked me abt the woonhak pc i had in my school ID. i got a bit nervous and i waved them off and gatekept them on accident.. i was literally abt to say “the loml” but i felt like that’d be too absurd to say to someone i just met..

i have another friend in one of my classes who also wanted to know who was on my lockscreen (it was taesan!!) but i told them i wouldve rambled and we wouldnt get our work done.. hopefully we have a freeday in that class so i can introduce them to boynextdoor LMAO

ive just been zoning out in class looking at my woonhak PC.. i love love love woonhak so much id give my soul and anything just to see more content of him being happy w the other members :(

but at the same time ive just been thinking abt woonhaks gf privileges.. >> (starts sobbing)

woonhak who slowly falls inlove with the pretty student in his class and does his best to appeal to her.. 💔

woonhak who overheard the reader and her friends talk about their types in guys.. smart guys? he’ll volunteer to answer every question the teacher asks. athletic guys? funny, cause he’ll 100% become a tryhard during gym… cute guys? his members already compliment him on his cuteness!

woonhak who tries keeping his crush a secret, but fails when jaehyun finds his notesapp open to see a list of ways to woo the reader over..

woonhak who dedicates writing the WHO album about the reader.

woonhak who finally has the courage to ask the reader out.. but when the day comes he finds out he has rehearsals. but no fret!! reader would love to watch him practice his singing & dancing.

bonedo members who love to steal glances at the reader and tease woonhak as much but as quietly as they could

bonedo members who easily warm up to the reader and starts inviting her whenever they could to hang out

jaehyun who remembers how woonhak forbade him from touching his sideburns.. but to his surprise he sees the reader twirling them and playing with his hair.

sungho who remembers how woonhak would get annoyed if someone were to notify him even if he was on do not disturb.. he walks by woonhaks phone to see it light up continuously with messages from the reader, he soon finds out woonhak has a special setting on his phone for the reader to bypass the do not disturb feature.

leehan who stumbles upon woonhak and the reader taking a nap on the couch wrapped in a blanket, her body resting on top of his.. but he swears he recalls woonhak exclaiming his distaste for people sharing (stealing as what he would call it) his blanket.

riwoo who hears a genre of music he’s never heard woonhak listen to in all his life.. when he questions it he finds out the reader recommended it… riwoo scoffs jokingly, reminiscing on how he recommended he exact same song months ago

taesan who once asked woonhak to run to the convenience store late at night for some movie night snacks, but was met with refusal. a week later he spots woonhak putting on a coat to head out around 10PM.. “Y/N wants to take a walk together!” he says.

bonedo boys who watch the reader and woonhak slowly fall inlove as they continued to show their endless support (despite the fact woonhak has never given them such privileges..)

GRGRGGRGRHR I LOVE U WOONHAKK :((((

-🍉

HELLO MELONN its nice to hear from you always hehe. please get so much rest on your time away from school, you deserve it! if you get a lot of homework make sure to space it out :)

and omg if someone asked me about kpop at school id probably die. theres this kid in one of my classes that mocks me and my friend for liking kpop and its so annoying!

but yes, your woonhak thoughts are always welcome here :3 at the beginning of the year when teachers had us do 'about me's' i always put yungyu as one of my favorite things LOLL

woonhak would 100% give so much gf privilege its actually crazy. he can act like hes not cute all he wants but he will always be readers cutie patootie! AND HIM DOING THE ABSOLUTE MOST IS SO TRUEE his favorite subject is yn<3

also leehan catching them cuddling it up is so adorable wtf i need me some woonhak cuddles><

youre so cute melon anon seeing how in love with woonhak you are HEHE i love hearing ur thoughts ^_^

[rlljayhon]

8/13/24

after 10+ years i finally did it and took them out on a date woo woo oh yeah! it was really fun, we got ube and pandan coffee, went to the funko pop museum, then went to a farmers market in LA where we got singaporean noodles and chendol which was super cold but it was nice bc it was hot out, went to and after we went to LACMA! exhibits were a bit underwhelming this time around, but thats okay bc we went for free oh yeahhh after that we went to koreatown plazsa where we had soondae which is blood sausages, and some sweet potatoes! and then lastly we hit up a pinball barcade for a little bit which was fun too

probably like an 8/10 first date and i had a lot a lot of fun but rn i am feeling quite sad and empty inside a liddol bit,,,

we talked for like an hour afterwards about like,,, what we are i guess, yknow the usual but its very good bc we are very communicative and have been about our situation since its started

but basically they are currently struggling with their gender/sexuality, and they said they are still just a baby queer and would still like to explore and yknow kiss girls basically LOL, i mean it didnt offend me too much bc like we are not exclusive so they are free to do what they like

i am just a little sad bc they were saying they like really like me, but they still want to explore and they basically don't know if they wanna commit to me or like figure out if they would like to lose that and try dating girls

i told them like they are totally free to do that and i would support them 100%, but if they choose that route like im not gonna wait anymore LMAO im still going to be their friend but i do not think id want to try starting a relationship again, it wouldnt feel fair to be kept as a backup while they go out and figure themselves out yknow its like im here now, and im ready to give it my all, and i definitely could not do it again, but i am willing to keep going on a couple of dates until they figure it out at least currently yknow

we talked about going on a few more dates, and like im cool with it, if they wanna go on dates with other people too that's fine, we are not exclusive, but we definitely mentioned how today did not feel like a first date LMAO like we kinda already had that awhile ago, and if not that, our other hangouts for the past couple times have already basically been dates

i guess i am just sad bc its like, if i make you so happy, why not try? i get like not wanting to lose me as a friend, but it doesnt really feel like thats their MAIN reason, its more so that they cant decide if they are looking to date other people and explore their queerness or want to be with me

i think yeah there definitely is someone out there better for you and there is probably someone out there better for me, but i am quite happy with who THEY are and i would LOVE to be their partner bc i think love is about like choosing who to love, i dont think you are going to FIND your soulmate i think its more so you can develop a bond with someone for them to BECOME your soulmate, not that i even believe in "soulmates" LMAO at least not for partners

anyways where am i going with this

i am totally ok with being there for them as they try to figure their situation out 100%, i am willing to take a risk and being hurt, but idk im not like banking on a relationship happening either, this has been our first like OFFICIAL date, i guess our other hangouts is what makes it hard i guess

we are still going to go on at LEAST one more date, they said they wanted to, and hopefully more, but idk obviously i want a relationship, but i guess i wish they knew what THEY wanted bc it is a little draining for sure, but i am sure about them so i want them to be sure about ME bc i think that is what will make a relationship work between us

[obscureother]

the f/orth.

Though this post is going to be kind of odd compared to other posts i normally put, the fourth has become important enough for me to throw out on there. we're going to ignore how it is technically the fifth now on central time, i got home late from the fireworks lolol.

this is your heads up for the very long post, though it does have relevance to f/os if that would be relevant to keep reading for you.

below the moon.

🌑

forgive me for the odd wording of the blog, i go through these weird things where fear comes from certain letters or words to me for these kinds of things. moving on. .

i was doing some thinking on the fourth of july. i realized that though im not very patriotic, there's still some part of me that does look forward to the fourth. dont get me wrong, america is cool, freedom, woo. but, im not really super into that kind of stuff for identity or waving flags or whatnot. not my thing, though there was always something about fireworks that entranced me and often left a mark on my goofy lil brain blob. ive got numerous memories related to them. those i wont go into because theyre personal and yall dont need to read through all that. the thing im getting to though, is that all those memories moreso related to family than patriotism or "freedom woo, eagles with guns," woh-woh.

one of those memories, the relevant one to this blog, is that of when i told my mom that i had f/os.

ok listen, so fictional crushes in general arent new to her. she's known about every fictional crush ive had ever, even the worst ones. (cough, looking at you, 🥞 + 🥓, cough.) Though mom didnt always care for those movies or those topics, those goofy characters i got into and wouldnt shut up about for months or even years at a time, she always supported me. she was the one who told me "someone's gotta love the villains." that it's ok to be into weird, morbid, dark shit or horror, or gore, or whatever. that even tho she didnt think robert englund was hot in the slightest, OR bela lugosi. . gerard butler, he was ok tho. she would always be there for the goofiness about them i had. she got me merch of them, movies, those things i related to them for. i've got a cool mom, guys. for those who need one, ill share but you cant keep her cos i need to keep the cool mom that bore me.

the thing that really gets to me sometimes tho (in a good way) is that, for a long time, ive worried that something was wrong with me. . like on the brain blob? because it took me a long time, but evidently she and everyone else think that i could be on the spectrum or something else is "wonky" (how i call it). the problem is the older i got, the more self-aware i became, the more uncomfortable and nervous i got because there's these things that go on that i dont know or understand how to respond to or handle. things i didnt used to have problems with before that i knew about, things i cant tell if just got developed later or came from college stress or what not. so when i suddenly started coping with pretending these fictional people existed around me, i was really tentative about it. of course im not delusional, but you dont really hear about anyone other than kids having "imaginary friends" (or something similar). im not a kid anymore. i used to have them like lots of others, but it was never to this degree. . because times were simpler, maybe. my brain blob didnt overthink, things werent so complex on the inside or outside of me. it scared me. i thought something was wrong, that i was losing my mind or something because they felt like they were becoming subconsciously ingrained in that wonky brain blob of mine. on top of other things, i was really nervous. i only ever talked to one person about it. shout out to the bestie who knows, you really helped me a lot through that kind of stuff while we figured out that, oh, we're not the only ones who pretend our fictional crushes/interests exist. therapist recommended? ok maybe its not so bad.

but for my mother, i was still scared to tell her. the f/os were becoming such a big part of the things i was doing, how i worked on the inside and they were involved for coping, comfort, things i would do behaviorally because i was communicating or interacting with them through the wonky brain blob residing in my skull box. i wanted to tell her, to share those things with her or to bring it up to a psychiatrist at some point (or both really, cos my mom would be there for that too. we've talked about it for a long time now.) but i was scared she would think i was fucking delusional, some loony to throw in the loony box to get better, yknow? that i talk to people, i pretend their real?? who, wtf??

but my mom, though after a long silence while i explained it to her how long i'd been having them and who they are, how they come to be, what they do for me. . she told me it was ok. that i wasn't freaking loony. that people cope differently, that people grow up at different paces or that its ok to resort to childish things for comfort because things are tough and so long as they help me, that it would be ok. that i know they're not literally real, that im choosing to pretend these people exist or however i do that, so long as im ok. for something so vulnerable, so scary for me, that meant a whole lot. that was on the fourth of july last year.

since then, my mom goes so far as to even interact with my f/os by touching their objects associated with them, to talk back and forth to them through me, to let me babble about them or talk about them. she knows some of their names, who or what they come from, how they work to some degree. the journal i have (the real f/o journal, not the tag), was one that she bought for me knowing it would be used for those f/os or for me to talk through it to them or draw things of them, do whatever i would with but that it would all be centered around my f/o for however it would comfort or bring me joy. she signed that journal for me, alongside the numerous "signatures" from those f/os and read their messages. she pointed and asked about the things they "wrote," smiled at their messages or the doodles of them. for that reason, i felt so safe with those f/os and what they were that i could go forward not being so fearful of myself. that it helped me to further bond with my mom about other things, to feel more of a closeness or security with her because of how good she was to me for those f/o things.

there was even one of my "worst" f/os present on that fourth of july. she knew who and what he was, i told her he was "sitting there" with me on the hood of the car when i told her that these odd fictional men lived in my brain blob and that they would "exist" through my daily life for the past few months. though she still told me that it was ok. that i would be ok, that so long as no one was getting hurt, those f/os would be ok to have for however long i would have them.

for those of you who get worried or embarrassed of having f/os for whatever reason that would be, know that its ok. no one gets hurt, no one gets effected by them. they're there for you, that's the most important thing of them. mom said so.

good fourth of july to you guys who celebrate it, be that for cool moms, friends, or whoever is there for you. the not-real ones, too.