#I am LATE and at this point whatever
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Mayqo'te #1 Past/Present
(of @miqojak's Mayqo'te meme)
Past would meet present, whether he wanted to or not
#Avnas Beleth#gpose#miqomay#mayqo'te#I am LATE and at this point whatever#I died for this picture#a fate spawned on me and I was apparently in level range#i wanted skeletons too but i couldn't find them in brio q_q#He's an allagan clone by the by
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"Can we let Patroclus kill in 2024" this and "can we let Patroclus fight in 2024" that yall my man's been doing that since 13th cent BC how about we let Patroclus REST in 2024. Take a lil nap, even. Some honk shoo mimimi for Patroclus in 2024 pls
#patroclus#he is TIRED okay#and I am also tired#i've been seeing so many posts about this lately and i'm just........#if you want warrior pat so bad there are SO many adaptations out there for you. so so so many#whatever version of pat you can imagine has been done at some point. don't limit yourself to just one. he contains multitudes#better yet create your own!#let's leave warrior/non-warrior pat discourse in 2023 shall we#tagamemnon
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i haven’t been here much recently, and i’m sorry i’ve only been negative on the off chance i’ve been online, but let me just say one last piece before the end of this month, so that maybe the next might be better….
#or maybe my time here ends w this month…i’m not sure i guess it all depends on how i feel but as of right now#everytime i think i'm fine i open tumblr and immediately am sad again the whole app has become my doomscroll at this point#i got a notification on a random talking post from a while ago and it felt like reading the words of a completely different person#lately i find it difficult to find any joy here at all when it always feels so lonely… a type of loneliness i’ve never experienced before#everyone always has ppl interacting w them who are interested in their stuff or are always sent things that are reminiscent of them....#i’m always praised for remembering stuff abt other ppl but i wonder if anyone remembers anything abt me#what is it about me that is so forgettable am i dull am i uninteresting did i not solidify myself enough do you guys just not like me lolz#but i don't want this to come across as guilt tripping or being ungrateful to what i do have because ik comparison is the death of joy but#it's still hard to watch when it's so in your face and it makes me think if ppl only talk to me because they feel obligated to#because anyone can say empty words.... i wish my perception of things didn't turn bitter i wish i hadn't become so jaded but#over and over i've felt irrelevant cast aside overshadowed and i cannot exist in a place where i feel like i'm a ghost in the corner#idk i've never felt like This before and i'm at least glad it's something i can walk away from by just....leaving...#sad that this used to be somewhere i can run away To but now it's become somewhere i want to run away From#i don't know...even if i get over whatever this is...things will never be the same for me... i just don't think i belong here#if only i had never made this blog then i would have saved myself a world of turmoil
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Was gonna make a vent post talking abt how everything sucks but then something good happened so I'm okay now, I'm cured
#Still gonna vent a lil...#So things kinda sucks as of late for me#I have all these little problems. That on their own aren't that bad. But they just. keep piling up and become one big problem for me#One thing after the other. I am tired. Like emotionally. My mind is exhausted#At this point I keep thinking that something really bad is gonna happen#I try to be positive. I try to make all these problems not get to me#But man. It's kinda hard#Idk. I just don't know.#I just feel unlucky#Whatever. At least I still have my ability to draw. That's one of the most important things for me!#If I feel bad I'll just draw something. Maybe even for someone! I've been having fun drawing other ppls ocs :]#I feel better now btw. Sorry for the vent tho I actually don't like venting like this but also. if I don't talk abt this I'll explode.#So yeah. Hope everyone has a good day!
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ohh to befriend a wolf...
#asirpa#retar#golden kamuy#gk#deliart#missed drawing asirpa sooo much#also#how many of my gk artworks at this point is just me drawing an animal#but it is not my fault noda included so many animals not only directly but also allegorically or thematically or whatever#what im trying to say is that many characters. got fursonas.#i am not to blame...#btw the anime!! actually looks better#its a solid mid now!!! which honestly i didnt expect. it is enough for me#interested in seeing which arcs they pick....#somehow surprised they did the pet monster arc!!! i was soo sad when i read the manga. and realized that#itd probably be too late for those chapters to be included since they happened so far back#ice skating kid........ king#also guaranteed usami next week.!! nice nice nice
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seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing
#I fucking. missed d&d tonight by accident#I straight up forgot#and just didn't show up to the session#my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked#I should be sleeping now but brain won't shut up#my creative output is the lowest it's ever been and I've been in some level of depressive funk since like early january#I am just deeply unfathomably exhausted#like mentally and spiritually#all the time#my memory and sense of time are both shit#my spelling is worse than it used to be for some reason??#I really don't know what to do to make my brain start functioning again it's frankly worrying me#I couldn't even handle college so it should come as no surprise that I'm reacting poorly to the world being a perpetual screaming trash fir#and yet#idk it's been hitting again lately that I have never succeeded at anything in my life and just keep tripping and falling up for some reason#fucking everyone is in hell right now and with my overall success rate I should be dead in a ditch but I'm actually doing spectacularly#due to a series of improbable accidents and weird circumstances that happened to turn out in my favor instead of completely fucking me#aside from the looming spectre of my various failed attempts to have some kind of life trajectory#it just doesn't feel like this can keep up forever#like surely at some point the luck has got to run out I can't just keep living like some kind of folkloric trickster archetype#but my motivation and sense of purpose kind of died after the last failed attempt so I'm still just here#doing whatever this is#maybe I should drive out to the coast#maybe staring at the ocean would fix me I've been away from it for too long#I mean it can't make me worse#I should wait until further into summer though so I don't have to drive back in the dark#everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone
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I don't have any money cuz I had to pay my housemates rent and he hasn't paid all of it back yet so I texted him this morning like hey are you able to pay me back 180 so I can take pollux to the vet but he could only give me 100 so now she just gets to suffer I guess
#I am kind of irritated about the rent thing anyway#because it was late to the point that our landlord was pretty much like if you don't pay this I'll start the eviction process#and my housemate just didn't say anything to any of us?#and then I paid it and he's not able to pay me back rn and I'm like. what was your plan dude#like what was the fuckin plan there#this is sort of a reoccurring problem which I think is another reason why its irritating me#plus it almost felt like he was trying to guilt me when he couldn't hive the 180 this morning?#like sorry that I want MY money for my dying rat but whatever#anyway sorry its just been a stressful and irritating time and now pollux has to suffer for it for no fucking reason#ghost posts#text
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one of y'all sent this to me
y'all think ur real fuckin funny dont u
#ok u are a little#for context was sent by a friend lovingly and in jest#i swear i am! still working on those projjecctsssss#i just have gemini brainrot rn = 3 =#also i feel like ppl have been a lil less excited abt tmwn lately anyway lmao#which may be because! ive made less content#but then less response means less motivation and blah blah blah#self fulfilling prophecy whatever#tHE POINT IS IM WORKING ON IT#AND IM DOING MY BEST aAAAA#also everyone laugh at the typo they made#chipistotallysane#btw#gets credit#idk if i should out you or not bestie lmao
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...
#im at such a weird point in my life. trying to choose between a phd and a doomed life as an academic and like just not doing that.#its crazy how not terrible i feel when im not in school. just give me tasks to do and i will do them. dont let me think.#but then im just avoiding my responsibilities. i dunno. i just feel like i would be happier with a structured job that ends when the day#is over. which is y my dad thinks i should get a government job. one of my former lab mates got a government job and he's settling into#spending the rest of his life out in Colorado. which is so weird. i dont kno how long ill be in the place im in now. will it b 4 more years?#or will it be only a few months? will i go back to school in the fall? its looking like yes bc i dont have a job lined up. but maybe ill#keep applying and dip out. let my dreams die in favor of balance and sanity. maybe some things arent meant to be.#its just so gutting. i was talking to my coworker this week. saying that im interested in so many things. i could have studied anything else#and traveled a completely different path. and a guy across the room was like: its never too late. but it feels like its too late. too late#to spend another impossible amount of money on getting a different degree. restarting on a second masters project. im almost 30.#im supposed to b saving money so that i can not work forever. but i cant do that if im just a student forever. so maybe i should just get a#job. god. but theres so much i still want to learn. and im in the perfect program for everything i thought i wanted. im in the perfect place#but everything's falling to pieces. whatever. i. just tired bc im on day 5 of work and have to go in for a day 6.#doing something i havent done before all day. but after than im going home for a week. so ill have lots to contemplate in the airport.#this is not how i thought things would turn out. but im glad im spending the summer working where i am. im learning lots on a human to human#level. and no one bleieves im 27 bc i apparently have a bby face lol. nope im 11 yrs older than u my 16yo coworker#unrelated
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I would love to see Lam in your style!!
Ask and ye shall receive 🤝
I like the idea of her having glasses, to fit her Oracle knack, but they’re fake, to fit the idea of her sort of being in disguise/hiding :) Giving Nevermoor characters glasses is a great hobby of mine lol
#it’s blurry bc ummmm all my drawings lately have been screenshots of teeny doodles on a massive canvas lol#asks#nevermoor#nevermoor fanart#lambeth amara#I have a love/hate relationship w this brush and just did whatever w the rendering bc I was having fun#I always like to do whatever and experiment with these requests as compared to everything else I draw :)#i always mean to make them More but it truly just depends on when I do them lol#also aside from these occasional requests I am only allowing myself one nevermoor drawing a month until October 😱#so folks that follow me elsewhere don’t get overwhelmed with nevermoor stuff before mogtober rolls around#anyways. what else. I’ve really gotta make some head turnarounds for 919 at some point to work on solidifying my designs. eventually ✍️.#I also just desperately need to study and improve in art in general and have to find ways to draw nevermoor whilst doing so 🤔
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just learned that one of the two people who i could call friends here fucking got married a couple weeks ago and the one other person (the one i lived on the same property with for 15 months) was there and even though i have seen her since it happened neither of them told me about this. and they have also regularly been hanging out without ever inviting me. obviously i don't need to be involved in everything but you never asked if i wanted to hang out even once even though i said multiple times hey we should all hang out sometime. ok 👍🏻
#like ok you had an informal wedding and barely invited anyone and arent close enough with me to invite me whatever.#but neither of them even mentioned it? i didnt even know the one friend was still here because she was supposed to leave for socal 3 weeks#ago and told me i had to leave by the 20th because of this and apparently shes still here and if i had known this was going to be the case#i might have been able to get a much cheaper and better living arrangement.#i just keep getting reminded that i am not that important in anyones life and everyone keeps treating me like a dumb child#and i have the horrible trait of treatment resistant depression so i cant even blame them because i'm fucking miserable constantly so why#would anyone bother developing a close relationship with me#i have said multiple times to both of these people hey we should hang out more or go see a movie or have dinner or whatever and every time#they're like yeah totally! and then they dont follow through on it#i straight up have no one i can even call and talk to about how upsetting this is because apparently i'm simply too mentally ill to maintain#friendships. like people will become friends with me and at some point i'll be like ok i'm very mentally ill! and theyll be like#ok i promise thats fine! and i'm sure they even mean it but people just run out of compassion and time and patience after very long. always#anyway lately i have been on the verge of self institutionalizing to be fully honest. but i think that would have many unwanted consequences#me
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It’s the PPG witching hours so this is probably why I feel compelled to write this but also because that last ask has inspired me…
…I am always on the lookout for PPG fanfictions that people think I may enjoy, so… just to let everyone know if you did not already… I am always open to recommendations…
#mojo is me… waiting… for my little stories…#lol honestly I’m open to whatever and even though I make not like it I always am appreciative#*may not lol I can’t edit my stupid tag#I feel like lately I need a little somethin’ to peruse and enjoy… I might just dip into that old archive at some point to find stuff…#anyway yeah whatever it’s the ppg witching hours sorry for this#damnit this reminds me that I still have crackfics to write for people hahaha#well maybe if I read some good fic I’ll be compelled to write bad fic that compliments it 🤣
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i'm debating moving this blog to be not attached to my main tbh
#w the same url and everything and i'll probs just rb everything on here i just want to escape kentopedia rn sob i want to be away#am chronically offline lately bc social media has been doing really bad things for me so i need a detox </3#to the point where i deleted basically every single social media app on my phone#catch me off the grid experiencing nature and whatever#anyway proof of life hope you are doing swell
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it's like the thoughts saw me all worn out by being sick and decided this is the time to move in. so many possibilities. so many ways i could kill myself. not going to though
#not today#nor am i actively planning to kill myself at any point#there's a style of discord status i use when im seriously considering suicide and i realised the other day that it's consistent when i took#it down#(did i mention i was extremely close to committing suicide last thursday? talked myself out of it though)#idk why im saying this#tw suicide#ignore me#truly though im fine#a part of me is tempted to simply present to emergency instead of turning up to my exam on monday idk#or maybe i just do the exam and hope im with it enough to pass. maybe kill myself after. as a treat#no no i joke#i really shouldn't joke about this stuff tho sorry#just ignore me#i dont want to die i just want things to be different#and i rlly want to stop seeing all medical professionals but thats currently not possible unless i just. cancel everything. hide out in my#house. whatever.#which im not gonna do rn#it's too late for this lolol#im just staying up for another like. half hour. before it's not Too Early to go to bed. i am so tired
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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had a cup of coffee last night — i do not usually drink coffee, not for any big reason, just because deviations from my routine have to be planned and when other drinks are on offer i default to the one i am most familiar with, and because i don’t usually drink coffee i didn’t realize that the caffeine would actually make my brain function the way that i am now certain my brain should be functioning. like i usually take an entire day to shower or cook or whatever it is but i cleaned the entire apartment and made my salad as well, and there was none of the “lying down for 3 hours for no reason doing nothing” in between? and now i am feeling very tangled and sad because i honestly did not realize my brain full on does work different on a lot of levels, and will need accommodations for things
#musings#lately for whatever reason i have been seeing a lot of posts across platforms#about how people are appropriating and co-opting certain mental health conditions when they don’t really have it#which is 80 percent of the reason i have not talked directly to most about my experiences here in the first place!#but like two therapists and multiple people in my life have been like ‘’hey this is probably a thing with you’’#and essentially my entire family has one or the other or some combination of both#i guess i just sorta feel like i have found so many workarounds that at this point it doesn’t count?#like if it is not stopping me from living my life then why should it be a thing i think about?#but yesterday i experienced what it could be like in general#and realized how hard it has been across the board#to an extent i don’t usually think about#so yeah. maybe today is a bummer now that i am not Experiencing Caffeine
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