#I am determined to do so

[reaperdoesstuff]

Oh look, a normal, cartoony, rainbow coloured snake! Hello little fel-

-la......

Time to go-

[obsob]

hes casting spells....what is he casting....

[minecraftsz]

(what happens when you carve your own path so deeply that you can't make it out of the rut?)

[huigusu]

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY XIAO ZHAN ❤

[cptn-jtk]

listen i can't be the only one this happens to

[dantevhell]

anne boonchuy, heartbreak and undying love

matt braly on amphibia season three, animation during the pandemic, and the family of anne boonchuy - interview | johnny panic & the bible of dreams - sylvia plath | the seven husbands of evelyn hugo - taylor jenkins reid

[goldfyshie927]

i’ve been trying to articulate what this particular image means to me and i think i might have figured it out. i’ll throw it under a read more because i’m very much stream-of-consciousnessing this and it might be a little long. 

she’s not a very emotionally vulnerable person as an adult. sure, she’ll show her anger or frustration or irritation when she feels them, but that’s about as much emotional depth as she’ll show. otherwise, her emotions are all held very close to the vest. you see this in her body language: her mouth is always set, her eyes slightly narrowed, her eyebrows furrowed. she walks with clipped steps, which i find so interesting given how long her legs are. 

she doesn’t argue with marcus about the case, even though she feels that she’s onto something. she is very straightforward with the jailer in stillwater, though you can see she’s taken aback by the knowledge that they’ve unfairly beaten vi. the only times you see her emoting really are when she’s feeling frustrated or annoyed by vi. we don’t ever really see her smile much besides the scene in the brothel. 

the thing is, yes, she was a serious kid as we’ve seen in flashbacks of her but i think she was also much more emotional than she appears as an adult. i think she feels things much more deeply than we get a read on. we see her talking to jayce in the first arc and how upset she is about what happened to him and how she feels like she’s also a misfit. and i get the distinct impression that behind the stoic, determined facade we see in twenty-something caitlyn, there’s a lifetime of being told to rein in her emotions (most likely by her mom, as her dad seems pretty affectionate). so by the time we meet her as an adult, she’s learned to school herself to be “presentable” in public. 

and then you have vi who comes in and messes up all of caitlyn’s perfect little plans and is brash and unafraid of showing her emotions. when they are talking in vi’s childhood home and caitlyn asks about her parents, vi is angry and hurt and it shows. she’s not afraid to be emotional, despite the traumas she’s experienced. and you see caitlyn’s walls coming down little by little as she listens to vi’s stories, as she talks to ekko and realizes what they’ve been struggling through, as she says goodbye to vi on the bridge. it’s subtle, but it’s there, this attempt at allowing the emotions she’s kept so close to the vest her whole life to be free.

her mother’s reaction to her arguing about the undercity and wanting to do something about their plight is the first real glimpse we see of her family’s side of things. her mom is so taken aback by her passion and drive and the fact that she’s pushing so hard for something to be done. it seems like it might be one of the first times caitlyn hasn’t kowtowed to her mom’s desires for her. they might have had little tiffs here and there but caitlyn is determined here and now to do something and isn’t afraid of her mom’s reaction. 

and then we get the bedroom scene. vi and caitlyn finally have a moment to lay down together and breathe a little. and now her walls have come down and she opens up as vi is telling her about powder. literally, physically opens up. her eyes are wide and straight on the camera, her lips are parted just a bit. she’s showing this emotionality, the vulnerability that we’ve never gotten more than a tiny glimpse of before this moment. everything else was controlled, careful, or hidden. but for the first time, she has someone who is wholly okay with her showing her emotions and she’s letting herself open up to them, just a bit. 

[el-im]

as a mixed person... I have always been repulsed by narratives about spock/analyses of his behavior which paint him as someone ceaselessly divided between two cultures instead of a whole individual being pulled in different directions by the influences he’s been exposed to. framing his mindset as one with two separate and distinct halves oversimplifies his conflicts over how he should conduct himself (see: preparing himself for the kolinahr ritual for years (the original translation provided for the speech of the kolinahr master refers to ‘many seasons’) but neglecting to complete the final ritual at the last moment) and his conflict about expression regarding his interpretation of himself (which often involves an appraisal of himself as being overly revealing--for a vulcan--but through subtleties that only close friends (in this case bones) would notice--which is to say, behaving less overtly than a human). all is to say that spock, as we see him, is hardly the model of a vulcan. and while i maintain that he owes this distinction more to culture, the expectations within his personal relationships, and his contemplations of his place in society as a mixed person than to biological factors, there is something to be said about how individuals that are fully vulcan are raised, and what implications their instructions about composure, dedication to logic, and rejection of emotion have on their relationships with their spouses, children, and other loved ones...

which is why i am positively enamoured with tuvok. 

tuvok and spock are not comparable, nor do i think there is much to be gained by drawing up similarities/dissimilarities between them and haphazardly chalking up their differences to distinguishments of humans/vulcans, with traits spock has alone being seen as implicitly and necessarily human and traits tuvok possesses that spock lacks demonstrating his being fully vulcan. (in fact, tuvok himself may not be considered by many vulcans to be an impeccable representation of their beliefs about personal behavior anyhow, and as a child even questioned the vulcan elevation of logic as the guiding force of life, saying in “Gravity” (5x03) “I refused to deny myself passion, the way you and men like my father do... If I was meant to deny feelings, why was I born with them? Where's the logic in that?”) but i digress... the benefit in having such wonderfully rich, well developed characters such as them is in being able to analyze the tenets of vulcan philosophies and teachings that they provide us with, not to determine to what extent they themselves consistently followed them. that said, tuvok being fully vulcan changes his reception in vulcan society. he did not experience the same pressure spock did to ‘prove himself’ as a vulcan to both his family as well as others who were hesitant to accept a half-vulcan child, and this allows tuvok to serve as one illustration of a full vulcan child whose abilities to control his emotions and act logically are never doubted (though his behavior is occasionally called in to question)

but as you contemplate the nature of vulcan behavior, their methods of understanding the world, and how they educate their children, one particularly interesting aspect of their culture which arises is the consistent demonstration of long term committed relationships (in this context--specifically familial or spousal/sexual) which are unemotional. 

in tuvok, these unemotional relationships which demonstrate his vulcan upbringing most clearly are between himself and his children. based off of his interactions with the crew of voyager and the individuals they meet on their journey home, we learn about how vulcan relationships function, what vital elements take the place of love, and what the definition of love is by reduction rather than explanation: with the dedication, longing, and attachment to his family that tuvok speaks of and demonstrates not being considered aspects of an emotional love

excerpts from Star Trek: Voyager, “Elogium” (2x04)

TUVOK: ... I must point out that, as illogical as it seems, being a father can have infinite rewards. Far more than would seem possible. My children occupy a significant portion of my thoughts. Now more than ever. NEELIX: I-I-I've heard it said that children can bring a lot of joy into one's life. TUVOK: I experienced neither joy nor sorrow, but I do believe it is possible. ... TUVOK: I have three sons and one daughter. I can assure you she benefits as much from my presence and guidance as my sons do. It is unfortunate that I must be so far removed from all of them now.

from this, it can be determined that: 1. tuvok thinks about his children. (this may seem obvious, but in actuality, it’s quite an... unproductive pursuit. stranded in the delta quadrant, years away from them, there is nothing to be gained from tuvok spending his time contemplating his children, and how they are faring so far away. if it is as he says to samantha wildman in “Once Upon a Time” (5x05), and he is confident in the wellness of his children given the company they are alongside, tuvok should be satisfied with his knowledge of their safety and accepting of his inability to change his position to be with them.

one of my personal favorite vulcan words is “kaiidth”, which translates approximately to ‘what is, is’ in federation standard. ("when one accepts what cannot be changed, one begins to think like a vulcan." - TOS novel: Dwellers in the Crucible). though i occasionally think this saying imparts too great a notion of passivity as a function of logic onto vulcans, i interpret this statement generally to be one which permits movement forward, but which does not erase wandering. in my mind, tuvok can both worry for his children (though such worry is illogical because he could not intervene in their lives to protect them if there were cause to worry) and he can resolutely and determinately perform his duties on voyager. perhaps isolating love and affection for his children (which he does feel, but does not experience regularly due to his repression of emotions and of their influence over him) from his worries about them allows for him to function adequately: grants him the ability to work as voyager’s security officer without encumberment from heartache and longing that the human members of the crew experience for the lives and people left behind in the alpha quadrant.

nonetheless, I persist in imagining thoughts of his children pervading tuvok’s mind even as he meditates. i imagine he wonders idly what they are doing at particular moments in time, what reflections asil has on the reading she’s been assigned at school, if sek searches through his memories of him as he navigates his own path as a father for the first time..)

this quote also demonstrates the position tuvok takes relative to his children, object 2 taken from this interaction being that some of the core values of vulcan parenting are presence, by tuvok explaining his regret that he cannot be with his family now and *guidance, by expressing his belief that his daughter would benefit from the wisdom and insight he could offer her were he present in her life (these two components existing in place of “mere” affectionate love). 

*another note on guidance, an excerpt from a verse in “Falor’s Journey”, an epic story about a Vulcan merchant which tuvok’s youngest son would ask him to play for him on his lute, from Star Trek: Voyager, “Innocence” (2x22)

“He traveled through the windswept hills And crossed the barren Fire Plains To find the silent monks of Kir. Still unfulfilled, he journeyed home Told stories of the lessons learned And gained true wisdom by the giving.”

it becomes clear in the lyrics of this verse that wisdom is prized on vulcan, and though information (such as that which was communicated to Falor in Kir) can be relayed, processed, and internalized, the richness of experience and interaction with others is what contributes to enlightenment. this forms the basis of tuvok’s relationship with his children, and as a father he is characterized by his wish to provide counsel and direction to his children. guidance, thus, can be seen as one of the hallmarks of vulcan relationships as a principle which takes the place of what humans might see as constituting love (things such as affection or fondness)

an excerpt from Star Trek: Voyager, “Innocence” (2x22)

“ELANI:  If Vulcans don't feel anything, does that mean you don't love them? TUVOK: My attachment to my children cannot be described as an emotion. They are part of my identity, and I am incomplete without them. ELANI: I bet they miss you too.”

these lines constitute some of my absolute favorite bit of communication delivered in all of star trek. this single statement raises countless questions about the nature of vulcan relatedness and connection (some literature suggests that vulcans feel significantly deeper than humans do, with this increased intensity being the reason for the vulcan reformation and movement toward logic as the dictating factor for behavior in place of emotion. tuvok saying that his attachment to his children cannot be described as an emotion suggests that a labeled emotion is too simple a term for his relationship with them, yes, but does it also imply that there is a greater emotional bond that binds them so closely together and so fervently that it surpasses what can be considered an emotion? what could something like this be described as? how could it be represented?) this statement brings in a discussion about familial bondings, with tuvok possibly feeling incomplete without his children because of their telepathic link to one another: the constant feeling of their presence in his own mind forming a feeling of familiarity and self. finally, and most pressingly, this statement indicates tuvok’s self identification through another, his identity as a guardian, parent, and caretaker to his children contributing to his own notion of self

excerpt from Star Trek: Voyager, “Caretaker” (1x01)

JANEWAY: I spoke to your family before I left. TUVOK: Are they well? JANEWAY: Well, but worried about you. TUVOK: That would not be an accurate perception, Captain. Vulcans do not worry. JANEWAY: They miss you. TUVOK: As I do them.

finally, tuvok identifies yearning as an integral component of vulcan relationships (though in my mind, I imagine this longing to be with his family as a less emotional appraisal of the term than may be expected... data’s explanation of friendship from Star Trek: The Next Generation, “Legacy” (4x06) “as I experience certain sensory input patterns, my mental pathways become accustomed to them. The inputs eventually are anticipated, and even missed when absent.” comes to mind...)

as I was talking about this with joe tonight, and wondering what possible motivation tuvok (and all other vulcans with similar familial connections like his) has to miss his family, to see himself as incomplete without them, and to worry about them if not for love, he said: “I read somewhere that when you mourn someone, you are actually mourning what they were to you: a source of comfort, an occasional friend, a companion in difficult situations, etc. ... if relationships are actually vaguely transactional like that, maybe that’s what love is, a type of relationship where you’re willing to give someone more and more just to continue to be around”, which was excellent and not something that i’d considered

are enduring vulcan relationships (like marriages/bondings) transactional? is a spouse another source of income, a companion with which to speak about the events of a day (another voice of reason to temper confusion with/someone to provide more context/another perspective on personal matters of choice to guide their partner to the most logical conclusion)? is it possible that their absence is felt only as the absence of an intellectual equal? the absence of someone raised with a similar background who possesses the experiences necessary to understand their spouse’s guiding principles, or someone of a different background capable of adding nuance and other points of consideration into ethical/moral/behavioral debates?

certainly transactional relationships could account for the statements made by tuvok in these examples. it is possible that he thinks of his children and that he considers himself incomplete without them because they are a part of his identity: it is possible that because their existence put him in the position of a teacher and a caregiver (providing for their educational, dietary, social needs), their absence deprives him of exercising a portion of himself reserved for their exclusive use, and that because he is a father to them, he is not one without them. but then... how can he worry for them if not by love? and if he does not worry for them by reason of love, what drives him to worry for them? that concern he speaks about, i think, cannot be transactional. he gains nothing by worrying for them, nor do they gain anything by worrying for him, and yet they persist in worrying. 

despite all the intricacies shown and questions raised by tuvok’s relationship with his children, i think perhaps that the most complete and thorough illustration of the effect of vulcan cultural upbringing on formed relationships comes not from tuvok (whose discussions of connectedness in this context are limited to other vulcans who have been raised in the same disciplines that he himself grew up in) but from t’pol, in how she presents layers of reserve, objectivity, emotionalism, and subjectivity in relation to commander tucker. 

despite both being full vulcans who have had all the privileges that label entails (being free from persecution/rejection from peers based on their heritage, unlike spock) the separation between tuvok and t’pol is immense, and lies (to me, most importantly,) in the relationships they form with their bondmate. tuvok’s relationship with t’pel is characterized by their mutual evenness, regard for each other, and complement. they have been married for 67 years by the events in “Caretaker” (1x01), and have raised four children together in that time. they are familiar with each other, well established presences in the lives of the other, and have at this time been exposed to, processed, and settled into their spaces in each other’s lives, understanding well how they work together to create a harmonious shared life. trip and t’pol... are a young, dumb mess. 

trip and t’pol’s relationship owes about half of its instability to forces beyond their control (the inherent complications of establishing a relationship “in the workplace” and struggling to determine what types of behavior is appropriate between them, hostile alien species attacking their ship, having their genetic material stolen from them in a plot to bring prejudice and fear mongering to earth... just for starters) and the other half of its instability to their own internal conflicts (encompassing death of a family member, spiritual conflict, and the navigation of a cross-cultural, cross-species relationship). and yet despite the challenges they face, the dangers they’re put in, and their own missteps, they gravitate toward each other consistently, inconveniently, always. 

but my favorite interaction of thiers, and the one which persists in my memory as one of the most characteristic (and most frustrating) illustration of their relationship is their shared scene at the conclusion of Star Trek: Enterprise, “Bound” (4x17). 

because the pretense--all their numerous and pressing difficulties--splinter--in an instant--and fall away. it is the first time t’pol makes herself vulnerable, admits that she believes trip’s guidance is imperative to the success of their mission. it is the first time she swallows her pride and her feigned objectivity (concern for the good of the entire crew) and allows herself not to make a personal request--but to tell trip explicitly, and without reserve, that she would have him stay, if he would. that his presence is what she wants for herself (not his expertise on behalf of the crew). t’pol is speaking to trip for herself for the first time, their newly formed telepathic bond serving as an impetus for her expression: the feeling and image of trip in her own mind (and vice versa) contributing to an irrefutable knowledge both of their compatibility and of their perceptions of each other (through each other). 

the previously identified components which contribute to vulcan relationships (as taken from tuvok) are presence, guidance, self identification through the other, and yearning, the most logical and explicable of these is guidance, a means of which to steer another toward logical behavior. presence, self identification through the other, and yearning, are, however, more inexplicable with tuvok having difficulty admitting in one instance that he does, in fact, miss his family, and in another finding it difficult to express in what manner/how he is “incomplete” without them: these being things which to him are so natural and forthcoming that they defy explanation, and are “beyond” emotional language. 

t’pol, in bound, asks not for the more logical pillar of dedication. she does not ask trip to say because she feels she is in need of his guidance, but asks him to be present with her, because they are bound together, and because she has missed him. 

this all culminates in an appraisal of love. if vulcans feel love, but choose not to experience it by repressing their emotions, i needed to understand how their relationships could function and persist in the absence of what i believed was such an integral component of relationships (though as I wrote this post, it occured to me that the definition of love i was working under became more nebulous, and increasingly difficult for me to define). i could not fathom, as i thought of all the vulcans i’d watched and read about, what bound them so indelibly to others. all of the logical forces i could think of--politics, financials, diplomacy, reproduction, and other mutual benefits--fell short, and there persisted something in the thrum of them--the vibration of that string that binds t’hyla together. after all, i began this investigation wondering “what is love if not attachment? longing? attention? and if these things are aspects of love that vulcans can exhibit, what is left that they object to?” what i found was a definition of love for vulcans which was not primarily characterized by affection, and which did not begin at that point, but which was founded upon recognition, acknowledgement, and behavior that seeks to maintain wellness, promote wisdom, and encourage reflection in another. 

[froqpi-art]

day 5 (fruit) and day 6 (family) of dcsttober ♡

[hanjesungs]

HAPPY MEL DAY

↳ skz according to @taehyungq‘s tags

[darkfinch]

anyway i think meggie the pup gets cosy hand-knit dog sweaters from nana AND babusia 4 the holidays and also at some point wears one of those puppy reindeer antler headbands :3

[theminecraftbee]

i haven’t shared many snippets of this thing i’m working on because i’m trying to speedrun it to completion. however.

"Yeeeaaaaah," Cleo says. "Yeah, there are lots of problems we're having that we didn't think through, aren't there?"

"All kinds," agrees Joe. "This happens a lot? I'll come up with a great idea and that idea will turn out to have teeth, so I have to get the idea a dentist. And then it turns out the dentist says oh, your idea has cavities, and I'm like, let's fill the cavities, and the dentist will be like, well we don't have enough obsidian for that do we? So then I have to go get a pickaxe that can mine obsidian, and then it just spirals."

Cleo wheezes.

joe dialogue and inner voice is surprisingly hard for someone i think i’ve listened to enough to be decent at mimicking but THIS feels like a joe metaphor. i like this one.

[wrightaboutthat]

babe wake up prototypes dropped 

[mod2amaryllis]

man some cases just suck so bad

[sneez]

the english civil wars + reductress headlines

[ateddieadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

sometimes my immortal ted becoming a velvet attendant post still gets notes and man. ty all